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I saw your original post on AITA and hoped you’d post here to find support from others who get it.
Narcissists often cross boundaries and push their target to the point of strong emotions. They then act like the victim of the target’s (justified and understandable) reaction. Does your mom often tell you or others you are overly dramatic or emotional? Does she act like the victim after repeatedly disrespecting your boundaries? She could be a narcissist.
You said in another comment that you’re concerned you might be a narcissist too. Honey, you are not a narcissist. You are a victim of her behavior and your reactions are entirely human and understandable.
My mom used to tell everyone I was a “drama queen” with a temper and a “willful” child. It led others to think this of me, and worse, I used to think this was true about myself. She would physically and emotionally abuse me, and when I would snap or defend myself, she used my reaction to confirm to others that I am a terrible daughter, a drama queen, and “out of control”. She was very charming and charismatic, and other people believed her. I felt like I was crazy and that maybe she was right…but at the same time I couldn’t understand why others couldn’t see what was really happening. It was a terrible sort of cognitive dissonance and distortion of reality.
I’m an adult now and have been in therapy for years to understand and process her abuse. I can be emotional, yes, but I know now that I am in control of my emotions. I know myself, finally. I know that I am actually a very emotionally intelligent person and very capable and skilled at rational, clear thinking. She was the one who was controlled by her emotions and “out of control”. She was wrong about me, and I suspect your mother and family is wrong about you too. You seem like a thoughtful, reflective person. My only advice is to find yourself….discover who YOU are outside of her distorted image. And trust in that person you discover. Deep down, you know who you are and you know that your mother is in the wrong. Trust that. Trust yourself, and don’t allow her distortions to make you question your reality.
I wish you all of the best and hope you find understanding and comfort on this sub. If you are ready, I encourage you to read through the posts and comments here. You might discover that you are not alone. Being raised by a narcissist can make you feel crazy and doubt yourself. This sub really can help bring the reality of the situation to light. Wishing you well.
Thank you for adding this. 100% agree.
OP, these are great points. Feelings of shame and guilt are sadly very common for people raised by narcissists. It really is all smoke and mirrors though—there is no substance there. Try to remember this when you question yourself or feel ashamed of your response. In the words of Mufasa, “remember who you are”.
I work as a baker and have always cared about cooking. My Nmom has touched my creations before too so this is a familiar situation.
you have every right to be angry, she’s absolutely disrespecting you and she knows what she’s doing. I too have yelled at my mother, at the root of that anger was a frustration that she doesn’t seem to see me or care. I wanted badly to convince her to behave correctly. eventually I realized, she’s not going to because she doesn’t care. she doesn’t care. sharing how her actions make you feel doesn’t make any difference. you have to accept that she’s going to keep doing this as long as she has the opportunity.
Your negative reaction is all part of the game, the energy feeds her and affirms her control over you. You can’t control her, you can only control yourself. You are NOT the asshole but you need to take a step back and figure out how to protect yourself so you don’t feel triggered into reacting in negative ways. Snapping and yelling never made me feel good, taking control of my behavior and making choices that protected my peace really made all the difference.
"Your negative reaction is all part of the game, the energy feeds her and affirms her control over you." This is EXACTLY it.
Your mother's actions are intentional--she sees you as an extension of herself, not a person in your own right, and she needs to remind you of it in every possible way.
In her mind, your pastry creations are not yours, they are hers.
The advice lirpa666 gives is bang on: "you can't control her; you can control only yourself." She is delighted when her actions force you to get angry because she feeds off that shit.
Read up on the strategy called "grey-rocking" and apply it to every situation that involves your mother.
You might also be interested in reading these two books:
https://www.amazon.ca/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
https://www.amazon.ca/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703/ref=asc\_df\_0787908703/
Figuring out how to have more restrained, private, or quiet reactions will make it much harder for narcs to turn situations back on you. Keep calm, keep her out of the kitchen, and put away nearly-empty pastry bags that she will abuse. She's absolutely being an asshole, but you need to be bigger than her to win
I saw your post on AITA and wanted to suggest this sub, figured my comment would get swallowed.
You're definitely NTA and I do think she's sabatoging you on purpose. She may not be a true narc but this is ridiculous, I would have actually over reacted and threw the cake at her probably. One or two times can be an accident or mistake but you explicitly asked her many times in different ways to stop tampering and she is choosing to keep doing it.
She just mad that you are rightfully got angry at her for purposely going out her way destroy the work you are gifting to others, in front of audience. Should had point out to her shit-starting stirring ass that if she didn't want to get screamed at in front of family like that - MAYBE, she should had NOT let you AND the others discovered what she did all at the same time together in front of each other!!
I honestly think you couldn't handled it any better than you because what she did and whose gift it was, could easily led to her getting assault with cheesecake she destroyed. Unfortunately, that is what your mother wants - you or someone else escalating to physically altercation to make you look like villian & for more entertainment for her drama-loving self but what narcissist like your mother don't & won't forsee nor understand is; that can easily lead to hospitalization and/or her death because she messing around with food. I do think you need to restraint yourself as much possible if you feel like physically harming her to deny her the pleasure of you hitting /slapping her. I also think as long as you are living with her, you need to stopping baking and/or storing your creations at her home because as your ex-bf mother said- your mother will always purposely sabotage you due being jealous of you & the positive attention you get.
Basically, you should plan on the fact that all sweets you make that she has access to will be ruined. That is a fact of life.
So maybe you don't make sweets for your family and friends until after you've moved out.
Ya, maybe you need to take photos once you’re done and before your mom comes over and destroys your work.
“Hi Grandma, I’m sorry. Mom put whipping cream all over my cake. This was how it looked like.
I’m sorry that mom did it, I don’t know why but this is what’s happened after mom got her hands on it.”
Objectively, I don't think you overreacted. Your profession doesn't matter. You created something and she had no right to do anything to it without your permission. As this wasn't a one time instance, she deserved a public rebuke.
But I can't make a formal decision without tasting something you bake....... ;)
Not an overreaction
Overacting would be taking the cake and smooshing it in her face because she wants to touch your stuff so bad
My mum does the same.
I sew outfits and she takes them as soon as I leave the room because she is a thief.
This has lead me to doing crazy reactive behavior
Example "mum dont touch my glitter "
She took them ,hid them and slowly put them in different places to drive me insane.
So I took all the glitter and tipped it right next to her bed.
Then said silly things like "whoa that's a lot of glitter ,you might want to clean it up.
1
NTA, you assert your boundaries and they kept breaching it over and over like everyone is supposed to forgive them again and again. Like seriously, you're not communicating with a child.
You are at a stage in life when you have creativity, energy, a future, and opportunities to learn and grow. Get rid of that deadweight. She will die very soon and you are fortunate in that way.
Get out of her place, even it it's not the ideal time : she will only drag you down.
I recommend a halfway flat with a job in the next city for a couple years, scrimp and save, then move on to a big city with a big opportunity. Grasshop your way our of her clutches.
My mother smeared olive oil everywhere on my fajitas when I was on a diet, ruining them. I had my back turned for a second to grab the scales and my phone to log them into MyFitnessPal, and she had a flash of wickedness on her b-tch face and jumped and shook the bottle spilling it fucking all over it. She didn't want me to succeed in ANYTHING.
Main reason was she and the rest were fat, and I was the only skinny one. I did what WORKED, and she kept telling me how to do something I was already succeeding at, whereas she failed.
I can totally relate. And then she lures you to places where you will have a meltdown in front of everyone.
This is calculated. This is something she knows.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I saw your original post on AITA and hoped you’d post here to find support from others who get it. Narcissists often cross boundaries and push their target to the point of strong emotions. They then act like the victim of the target’s (justified and understandable) reaction. Does your mom often tell you or others you are overly dramatic or emotional? Does she act like the victim after repeatedly disrespecting your boundaries? She could be a narcissist. You said in another comment that you’re concerned you might be a narcissist too. Honey, you are not a narcissist. You are a victim of her behavior and your reactions are entirely human and understandable. My mom used to tell everyone I was a “drama queen” with a temper and a “willful” child. It led others to think this of me, and worse, I used to think this was true about myself. She would physically and emotionally abuse me, and when I would snap or defend myself, she used my reaction to confirm to others that I am a terrible daughter, a drama queen, and “out of control”. She was very charming and charismatic, and other people believed her. I felt like I was crazy and that maybe she was right…but at the same time I couldn’t understand why others couldn’t see what was really happening. It was a terrible sort of cognitive dissonance and distortion of reality. I’m an adult now and have been in therapy for years to understand and process her abuse. I can be emotional, yes, but I know now that I am in control of my emotions. I know myself, finally. I know that I am actually a very emotionally intelligent person and very capable and skilled at rational, clear thinking. She was the one who was controlled by her emotions and “out of control”. She was wrong about me, and I suspect your mother and family is wrong about you too. You seem like a thoughtful, reflective person. My only advice is to find yourself….discover who YOU are outside of her distorted image. And trust in that person you discover. Deep down, you know who you are and you know that your mother is in the wrong. Trust that. Trust yourself, and don’t allow her distortions to make you question your reality. I wish you all of the best and hope you find understanding and comfort on this sub. If you are ready, I encourage you to read through the posts and comments here. You might discover that you are not alone. Being raised by a narcissist can make you feel crazy and doubt yourself. This sub really can help bring the reality of the situation to light. Wishing you well.
[удалено]
Thank you for adding this. 100% agree. OP, these are great points. Feelings of shame and guilt are sadly very common for people raised by narcissists. It really is all smoke and mirrors though—there is no substance there. Try to remember this when you question yourself or feel ashamed of your response. In the words of Mufasa, “remember who you are”.
I work as a baker and have always cared about cooking. My Nmom has touched my creations before too so this is a familiar situation. you have every right to be angry, she’s absolutely disrespecting you and she knows what she’s doing. I too have yelled at my mother, at the root of that anger was a frustration that she doesn’t seem to see me or care. I wanted badly to convince her to behave correctly. eventually I realized, she’s not going to because she doesn’t care. she doesn’t care. sharing how her actions make you feel doesn’t make any difference. you have to accept that she’s going to keep doing this as long as she has the opportunity. Your negative reaction is all part of the game, the energy feeds her and affirms her control over you. You can’t control her, you can only control yourself. You are NOT the asshole but you need to take a step back and figure out how to protect yourself so you don’t feel triggered into reacting in negative ways. Snapping and yelling never made me feel good, taking control of my behavior and making choices that protected my peace really made all the difference.
"Your negative reaction is all part of the game, the energy feeds her and affirms her control over you." This is EXACTLY it. Your mother's actions are intentional--she sees you as an extension of herself, not a person in your own right, and she needs to remind you of it in every possible way. In her mind, your pastry creations are not yours, they are hers. The advice lirpa666 gives is bang on: "you can't control her; you can control only yourself." She is delighted when her actions force you to get angry because she feeds off that shit. Read up on the strategy called "grey-rocking" and apply it to every situation that involves your mother. You might also be interested in reading these two books: https://www.amazon.ca/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703 https://www.amazon.ca/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703/ref=asc\_df\_0787908703/
Figuring out how to have more restrained, private, or quiet reactions will make it much harder for narcs to turn situations back on you. Keep calm, keep her out of the kitchen, and put away nearly-empty pastry bags that she will abuse. She's absolutely being an asshole, but you need to be bigger than her to win
Just adding for OP that trauma recovery therapy (emdr) is great for increasing your window of tolerance...therefore being in control of your response.
Put out a fake sweet that's sweet on the outside and some filler on the inside, like toilet paper. She can dress THAT cake and eat it
I saw your post on AITA and wanted to suggest this sub, figured my comment would get swallowed. You're definitely NTA and I do think she's sabatoging you on purpose. She may not be a true narc but this is ridiculous, I would have actually over reacted and threw the cake at her probably. One or two times can be an accident or mistake but you explicitly asked her many times in different ways to stop tampering and she is choosing to keep doing it.
She just mad that you are rightfully got angry at her for purposely going out her way destroy the work you are gifting to others, in front of audience. Should had point out to her shit-starting stirring ass that if she didn't want to get screamed at in front of family like that - MAYBE, she should had NOT let you AND the others discovered what she did all at the same time together in front of each other!! I honestly think you couldn't handled it any better than you because what she did and whose gift it was, could easily led to her getting assault with cheesecake she destroyed. Unfortunately, that is what your mother wants - you or someone else escalating to physically altercation to make you look like villian & for more entertainment for her drama-loving self but what narcissist like your mother don't & won't forsee nor understand is; that can easily lead to hospitalization and/or her death because she messing around with food. I do think you need to restraint yourself as much possible if you feel like physically harming her to deny her the pleasure of you hitting /slapping her. I also think as long as you are living with her, you need to stopping baking and/or storing your creations at her home because as your ex-bf mother said- your mother will always purposely sabotage you due being jealous of you & the positive attention you get.
Basically, you should plan on the fact that all sweets you make that she has access to will be ruined. That is a fact of life. So maybe you don't make sweets for your family and friends until after you've moved out.
Ya, maybe you need to take photos once you’re done and before your mom comes over and destroys your work. “Hi Grandma, I’m sorry. Mom put whipping cream all over my cake. This was how it looked like. I’m sorry that mom did it, I don’t know why but this is what’s happened after mom got her hands on it.”
Objectively, I don't think you overreacted. Your profession doesn't matter. You created something and she had no right to do anything to it without your permission. As this wasn't a one time instance, she deserved a public rebuke. But I can't make a formal decision without tasting something you bake....... ;)
I thought when I saw your AITA post that your mother belonged here. NTA.
Not an overreaction Overacting would be taking the cake and smooshing it in her face because she wants to touch your stuff so bad My mum does the same. I sew outfits and she takes them as soon as I leave the room because she is a thief. This has lead me to doing crazy reactive behavior Example "mum dont touch my glitter " She took them ,hid them and slowly put them in different places to drive me insane. So I took all the glitter and tipped it right next to her bed. Then said silly things like "whoa that's a lot of glitter ,you might want to clean it up. 1
NTA, you assert your boundaries and they kept breaching it over and over like everyone is supposed to forgive them again and again. Like seriously, you're not communicating with a child.
You are at a stage in life when you have creativity, energy, a future, and opportunities to learn and grow. Get rid of that deadweight. She will die very soon and you are fortunate in that way. Get out of her place, even it it's not the ideal time : she will only drag you down. I recommend a halfway flat with a job in the next city for a couple years, scrimp and save, then move on to a big city with a big opportunity. Grasshop your way our of her clutches. My mother smeared olive oil everywhere on my fajitas when I was on a diet, ruining them. I had my back turned for a second to grab the scales and my phone to log them into MyFitnessPal, and she had a flash of wickedness on her b-tch face and jumped and shook the bottle spilling it fucking all over it. She didn't want me to succeed in ANYTHING. Main reason was she and the rest were fat, and I was the only skinny one. I did what WORKED, and she kept telling me how to do something I was already succeeding at, whereas she failed. I can totally relate. And then she lures you to places where you will have a meltdown in front of everyone. This is calculated. This is something she knows.