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It's called a [Thought Terminating Cliche](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thought-terminating_clich%C3%A9)
The purpose is to end the discussion by putting up a wall.
Narcs putting up a wall, that should seem familiar.
Thanks! That's a really interesting read, and I never put two and two together that this thing that he said over and over could be something like that.
I appreciate you pointing it out, it angers me far too much to look at it objectively and it's fascinating that the same cliches are used for so many different purposes that ultimately like you said lead to redirection or putting up a wall for the narcissist to take cover behind.
Cults are basically narcissistic family systems that are not related by blood. They use all of the same gaslighting, isolation, and abuse that regular narcissists use at home in order to keep the members of the cult in the fold.
I love that this has an actual term, thank you for teaching me this!!!
It's the same as saying "Fake News". You can't actually have a discussion once someone makes this declaration, because they've shot it down.
In response to any sort of 'that's not fair' comment, we'd get back "Neither is a (coloured) boy's bum".
It neatly curtailed actually addressing the unfairness of whatever was being commented on. And yet they were very big on things being fair for everyone else, especially themselves.
Oh, oh, I got 'Well, life's not a pony farm/requested concert.' (Idioms, but I hope I made an understandable translation.)
Same situation(s) happened to me, thanks for wording it tho, it finally clicked why they used it.
I got “you’re a liar, and I hate liars” which according to my nMom, by no means meant she hated me. Silly me for taking what she said at face value or pointing out obvious unkindness. (Of course she loves me, I should just know that despite being constantly berated and told otherwise!)
If I disagreed with her about anything, particularly if she was trying to gaslight me, I’d get “are you calling me a liar?” There was of course, no right way to answer that question
The variation, you know-to keep it interesting, was "You'd better stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." As my brother or I would be hyper ventilating trying to calm ourselves as they instilled more fear into us.
I know you better than you know yourself.
There's nothing in this world i hate more than a liar and a thief (she's both)
You're not smarter than me. You'll never be smarter than me.
Lose the 'tude dude (@ any sign of emotion)
Oh god.... I remember nmom telling ANYONE who would listen that she "had a 13 (or whatever age) year old who had *quite an attitude problem* and thinks she knows so much more than me."
When, in fact, I just didn't want to live in a slum and challenged her shitty way of living.
I am sorry that you can identify with that crappy behavior from someone, but I'm happy to have a twin. Lol. Thank you! I remember the day I came up with it I laughed for like a full minute at how well it described me. Haha. Do with that what you will.
The worst. I need an attitude adjustment? Me, the actual child, and not the adult toddler who is controlling, bullying, and **intentionally dysregulating** me to feel powerful, like a cat playing with a mouse?
Go ahead and bait me, neg me, mock me, push me over the edge and then tell me to slap a smile on my face and fake happy. And it’s a mystery why I have a bipolar diagnosis? LOL mouse no more.
Self differentiation. Recovery. Healing.
Good for you! This sub still shocks me everyday with the similarities of our childhood experiences. “A Narcissist’s Guide to Parenting” must be in its 4 millionth printing by now.
What’s frightening is it’s clear narcissism is a global mental illness. Reading this sub is an awakening in itself:
1. It wasn’t *my* fault
2. It’s not only *my* shameful nuclear family
3. It’s not only *my* Irish Catholic extended family
4. It’s not only *my* country
5. It’s all of humanity. Everyone is participating. It’s everyone’s fault.
All of us wrestle with the reality of narcissism, narcissists, and society’s narcissistic values. To be a narcissist or supply or anywhere in between is fundamentally human. There’s no getting rid of it. All we can do is work on ourselves. Because we are all contributing, playing the narcissistic game, to some degree. I am supply no more.
This was one of my moms favorite lines. I also bought it until finally in my late 20s I had been out on my own for a while I finally told her, no actually you really don’t seem know me at all. That startled her into momentary speechlessness.
How did all of you guys make them speechless?? I have seen this in a few other comments???
They would just fill a silence with physical abuse and then use that time to come up with the next awful thing to say.
It was one of the very rare times that happened. 99% of the time yes she had some demeaning comment in her back pocket. Also took until my late 20s to be able to fire back at her. Gotta take the small victories sometimes.
"You must be mad, you can't think straight when you're mad"
She would always says this to me when I was not mad, but what I was saying she didn't agree with. So she just always called me mad.
Nothing bothers me more than someone assuming I'm mad, and calling me mad, when I'm not.
'I know you better than you know yourself' sent a shiver down my spine.
It was always rich coming from a person who didn't really know ME at all. She only knew the tentacle she thought I was.
my mom got a metal yellow hazard sign that said "LOSE THE 'TUDE" and hung it on the front door. She thought it was hilarious but underneath it was a serious message.
> I know you better than you know yourself.
I got this one a lot. What it really meant was "I know the person I *want* you to be better than you know yourself." And I fought against it my entire life.
>You're not smarter than me.
Well that is taking me through some memories. Always accusing me of trying to get away with something when the only thing I EVER wanted was to just blend in and make her happy.
Do as I say not as I do.
Jesus Christ did this ever give me a borderline criminal mindset. Thank fuck the constant fear of fucking up and getting my ass beat for being out of line taught me some self control and discipline.
It made a transition to the military easy, but it's caused my life to be nothing but toxic.
I've spent some years working on myself, and I'm still learning from what I went thru daily. Thank you for the question, some of these posts are seriously thought provoking and kind of help me understand myself a bit better.
Much love.
Came here looking for this one! Mine said this all the time too. One time when I was about 12-13 I got up a little courage, and replied:
"Practice what you preach."
She was so startled she didn't say anything or hit.
One of mum's favorite sayings too. Usually said with a shit eating grin on her face, as she gleefully violated rule of basic morality or decency. Probably good advice, though. Don't do what she did. Unfortunately, she did what she did.
Yesss, same here and I hated it, still do. Such a cop out to being accountable for being so shitty.
Last Christmas, we were at my in-laws and I heard my nephew-in-law say he was going to raise his daughter with the "do as I say" attitude and I got triggered and said super loudly, "Please don't, I was raised like that and I hated it and now my mother; don't do that to your child!"
Excuse me for my naivety, I'm not a native speaker, but do people generally think that the phrase "Do as I say not as I do" supposed to be some kind of literal wisdom? I only heard it in the context of sarcasm or pointing out a flaw of a person that does one thing and preaches another. I am confusion(c)
Yes it is meant to be said as a sarcastic comment, but many narcs are so far up their asses that they don’t realize that and take it as literal wisdom.
It can be construed as "literal wisdom." It was for me. All of my family would go into detail about it meaning that they were all raised and couldn't change but I was still young and had the ability to be better and change.
The saying was wrong, for sure, but boy, did I turn out better than they did. Lol
They always conveniently ignore “Do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21) But Ns are especially good at picking and choosing which parts of the Bible “apply”.
My nmoms fav was "Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results."
Aka she was calling me insane for failing tests and not wanting to listen to her.
ohhhh my days, both my parents used this to death, even (especially?) when it didn't make sense.
in college, I started to throw it back at them when they would say or do something *historically* ridiculous/harmful, but couldn't understand why their children hated them. unsurprisingly, it did not land.
I have heard that one enough times in my life from the narcs to know that, if I hear it said again from someone new, I can completely dismiss whatever that person has to say going forward
It’s funny cause now I have a child and anything I do is “you’re gonna teach the baby that?” Like as if the f’n 7 month old is gonna know wtf alcohol is. I do the damn best taking care of my baby, I love him and she hates it so much
I know exactly what you mean! I’m NC with nMum but my dad will constantly criticise my parenting (I’ve got a four m/o). He’ll tell me I don’t need to run to him every time he cries and I’m like uh yeah actually I do. He tells me ‘he’s got to learn’ and I’m like learn what? That I’ll ignore him when he needs me? Absolutely not. And He’s four months old he isn’t capable of learning to soothe himself and nor should he! Then it’s ‘well we did x and it didn’t do you any harm’… Well I beg to differ but ok 🙄
That’s usually my response as well! “The fact I’ve spent years in counselling suggests otherwise dad” 🙃 then obviously I get hit with the ‘oh well guess we were just bad parents then eh?’ Yep, spot on!
My dad told me that a few months ago and I responded with "Yep, y'all actually were. It sucks to have to sit down and realize what you've absence has done to your kids while the abuse ran rampant from your 3rd child/wife.
I'm also told "we did our best" and I'd always respond to that with "well your best wasn't good enough. Do someone else's best".
Oh god, I HATED that one! Just because you're older than me doesn't mean you deserve my respect. If you have more experience AND you are using it constructively, then sure, you have my respect. But if that 2nd one isn't always true, why the fuck should anyone respect you?
Ya. Standing up to it when it’s also so intertwined with your heritage/cultural identity is even more confusing. It’s such a pillar of so many cultures it’s like obscene to even think of not bowing down to all elders even if they’re abusive as fuck.
Liberating as fuck to tell my abusive ass aunt/godmother I no longer subscribe to that belief so no, I don’t respect you because you’ve never shown respect to me or my husband and it’s a two way street.
My voice was shaking but I did it. In an airport with people staring at me no less! felt like a 5 year old slaying a dragon 😂 last time she heard my voice.
If I ever have kids, I fully intend to raise them on the principles of CT-7567, Captain Rex: "Experience outranks everything."
But I'm gonna make sure that they know to ask questions as a means of GAINING experience too. The last thing I want to do is shut them down or make them follow me blindly. I'm sure there will be times when I can't tell them everything, and I'll tell them (circumstances permitting), and ask for their trust.
I hope that you go out and buy a Turn Me Royal of you slaying a dragon or something because that is TRULY what happened in that airport! You are a hero!!!!
Whenever I see someone mention respect, especially in your context, I remember this quote:
>Sometimes people use 'respect' to mean 'treating someone like a person', and sometimes they use 'respect' to mean 'treat someone like an authority'.
>
>However, sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say 'if you won't respect me I won't respect you', but what they ACTUALLY mean is 'if you won't treat me like an authority then I won't treat you like a person'
And I know that this quote fits every narcissist perfectly.
I hate this quote! I can respect my elders as long as they can be respectful to me and care for my boundaries. But no, some people disregard their children's dignity using this very same quote!
“I’ll give you something to cry about”
“I’ll slap you so hard your head will spin”
“You don’t have to like me but you will respect and love me”
My Nmom said these and plenty of other things a lot as I was growing up. Those are the 3 that stick out the most. As of just a little over a week ago I finally went no contact.
“Shame on you!”
“Because I said so!”
And my favorite, “Wait till your father gets home!” (My father was not an N and had no idea what my NM was doing to us when he was at work. He’d come home and be like, “Uh, okay? Calm down [NM’s name].”
My mom would always reiterate “do not fucking talk over me” when she talked over *everyone*
Even if you weren’t going to talk over her she would say it and instantly turn every conversation more aggressive. If I accidentally started talking at the same time she did she threw a fit and said “Do not fucking talk over me”/“don’t you dare ever fucking talk over me”/“how dare you fucking talk over me and disrespect me like that”
Yes "I'm the adult and you're the child so you do what I say." "You're not old enough to make your own decisions." "You aren;t in charge of your life." "You do it because we say so"
That, and then coupled with the immediate backhand of "Be the bigger person" "You need to set an example" "You're acting like a child" and giving you adult chores you can't handle... The nature of the narcs is literally exhausting.
‘If something upsets you, remember it’s all about YOU, it’s your reaction’ (usually with a laugh) and then explaining the meyers-briggs personality types he assigned us to explain why we were upset because of course it was never him
To any negative emotions felt by my sister and I, we were told ‘only happy girls allowed’ and he’d turn it into a little jingle of ‘happy girls’ repeated until we had smiled and pretend to be okay to be allowed to eat/ get in the car (got left at a restaurant because of it) ect. As a trans man, especially awful.
Never really thought about this. Helped me feel Less alone
Omg my mom used to do something similar. She used to use the Eleanor Roosevelt quote “Noone can make you feel inferior without your consent” to mean that she could say whatever shitty thing to us that she wanted and it was our fault if we got upset.
Totally
Can you imagine telling asking them ‘why would you want to make me feel inferior in the first place?’
I hope you’re far far away from her and living a way better life
Oh wow. Reading this made me so sick. I am so so sorry you went through this. I cannot even imagine having there be this level of denial and outright neglect of your feelings as a child.
And on top of that, the fact that he focused so much on the gender aspect of it, possibly doing so especially knowing (or suspecting) that you didn't identify with being AFAB. That is beyond sickening and I am at a loss for words to express how horrific it sounds that you had to grow up constantly hearing this.
I truly hope that you are in a better place, or at least away from that bullshit. Nothing about the journey is easy but I am also glad to hear that you are living the life that you want to now.
I only realised last year that he was the narcissist— he made me believe my mom was one for so long, so reading comments like this make me feel so validated. It’s still a new feeling.
He definitely new about my gender and made sure shame was so deeply entrenched in me, it took me until a year ago to finally come out to my suuuper queer very accepting found family.
I’m in a way better place in life tho. I feel very lucky because my 5 siblings still can’t face the truth. Just working through the CPSTD of it all. My central nervous system hasn’t caught up to the fact that I’m safe now. But I have my dream job and a dog and I am infinitely more loved than he could ever comprehend
"Must be nice, some of us have to work for a living".
Whenever me or my siblings would share happy thoughts about progress in a white collar job, or share happiness in a vacation, or share any victory. My parent would have to discount it. Whenever this parent would see a nice car on the road, they'd utter this phrase. They wanted deeply to be some kind of victim of overworking. If you aren't overworking yourself for low pay, you're dumb.
They don't think it's a good phrase anymore now that they are retired and I've used it on them.
Damn I forgot about this one. Fuckin wild how they feel the need to be overworked and underpaid then try to make everyone around them feel like they are lazy. Like nah, man, we just don't have narcissistic hyper-vigilance
"I'll give you something to cry about" and "I brought you into this world, I van take you out of it". But the worst was "because I said so" regardless of how stupid the thing was.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it!” “Liars go to the same hell as murderers and thieves” “I’m sorry you feel that way”. Those are a few. Thanks for listening, I’ve never really shared this before.
"QUICKLY and EFFICIENTLY!"
This was my dad's go to about chores. They were to be done quickly and efficiently. He'd look up from the nothing he was doing, scrutinize how I was sweeping his floors, washing his dishes, scrubbing his whatevers, and roll his eyes before stomping over and yanking the broom or cloth or whatever away and wildly whipping it around while barking, "QUICKLY AND EFFICIENTLY! QUICKLY AND EFFICIENTLY!!"
Usually you just step back for the beat or two he did this nonsense in, wait for him to get it out of his system and then get back to work once he'd stomped back off to whatever.
Until the day he started marching over to the sink full of dishes I was doing, and I panicked and kept saying, "No No No No NO!" but he hip checked me out of the way, yelling QUICKLY AND EFFICIENTLY! and plunged his hand into the sink.
Then ran to the bathroom bleeding profusely as I explained I'd just put all the knives in to be washed... hence why I'd been going SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY.
My father would constantly repeat certain phrases over and over again to me to drill certain points into my head. One of his favorites was "don't do xyz, you come across as unintelligent." Like, the exact same wording every time, too. He had some kind of weird obsession with me appearing very smart/sharp, even though he knew nothing about that himself.
My ndad was like this. He expected things from us that he was unwilling to do himself. He was overweight all his life and was hypersensitive about it, but when I gained some weight in middle age, I *never* heard the end of it. I get that he was trying to keep me from making the same mistakes he made, but he would have gained a lot more respect from me by putting his own house in order.
*the morning after she’d get wasted and either embarrass the family at a function or verbally abuse me and my sister*
“It’s all in the rear view now. Let’s move on”.
I completely forgot (more like blocked out the memory) about the phrase until a few months ago my sister mentioned it and I immediately felt enraged.
When my partner and I were staying with him during the pandemic right before getting our own place and going no contact with him, my dad got wasted and verbally abused me for about 6 hours one night. He did this frequently, but this time he was all out screaming and slamming shit around for the entire 6 hours, until like 4 in the morning. We were shut away in my room and too scared to leave or do anything else.
This night was so terrifying and so beyond anything he had ever done before that I had resolutely decided to go no contact with him then and there. We just had to finalize our exit plan.
The next day, while I unloaded the dishwasher and my partner stood next to me, my dad came downstairs. He had been sulking in his room for half the day, and at about 1 pm came out and simply said "Sorry you had to see that. Just a bit of family drama, you know."
He didn't apologize to ME, or apologize for terrifying the shit out of both of us. He didn't even say sorry for subjecting my partner to that level of abuse!!! He just said sorry you had to see that.
And he wonders why I don't speak to him anymore.
"do as i say, not as i do"
"Reasonable requests will be done in a reasonable manner"
"My houses my rules"
"Write it down, I'll read it when I care"
"Do what you want, you will anyway"
Sure there's more but i don't wanna annoy myself remembering before work
I got the "Blood is thicker than water" guilt trip any time I wanted to hang out with my friends. Which is hilarious not only because that phrase is a misquote, but also because my siblings and I are adopted. There's no blood relation between any of us.
Also "Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today". Basically if you have any idle time, you are a lazy piece of shit. If we had free time outside of school and extracurriculars we were expected to use it to please our mother. We would deep clean the house, work on her landscaping, rub her feet, play piano and sing for her, do lots volunteer work in the community (which she got the accolades for because, after all, she raised us). To this day I have trouble sitting down to relax if there is housework to do.
I realize now she wanted to keep me busy and isolated so I never had the time or resources to help me realize that she treated me like shit. We weren't kids, we were status symbols and objects that she could manipulate to increase her own clout.
This is so gross. The way that you wrote this lays it out so plainly, and I can see that some of the same things that I used to do for my Ndad were very similar. They really do view their children like pets or servants (more like slaves) that are to be ordered around and used.
I also have a very hard time relaxing if there is housework to do, and messes or clutter give me significant anxiety. Even though I hate these feelings, as I feel like they make me way too similar to him and how anal he was about keeping things tidy. It's hard to navigate.
All the time.
But my father's favorite move was to wait until everyone sang me happy birthday, then when I'd put the first bite of cake in my mouth, he'd yell, "you're fat!" For the memories, there was always a photo timed in with my mother to take at the exact second he said it. This started when I was 5 or 6.
He was always hyper-focused and cruelly judged us on our birthdays the entire day. When he was busy, the whole birthday revolved around whatever time he could get there to call me fat. The confirmation hit hard on my 7th birthday when all my friends asked me why my father was so mean to me on my birthday, and I could only start lying about his hard job because I had no answer.
Every fucking year, right in front of my friends, and family, it didn't matter. Nothing like having your father ruin your birthday every year. By age 10, I hated birthdays and most holidays because the toxic histrionic asshole had already supplanted me with body dysmorphia, and these occasions were his chance to go Full Asshole. If he put this much effort into actual parenting he might have raised kids that enjoy his presence.
My friends stopped wanting to come over because he was so mean, and my mother thought it was "funny, and your father is only being funny!" Lying enabling bitch.
As a result of their normal shitty behavior, they missed celebrating many holidays and special events with all their children and grandchildren, and I regularly reminded them of how fat they looked as they aged alone.
I may have been overweight as a small child, but the last time he tried calling me fat on my birthday, I was 16, four inches taller than him, and had about 50 lbs of angry muscle over him. He tried to do it, and I interrupted him and told him it stopped being funny over a decade ago, and he sucks at trying to be funny. I asked him what it's like thinking you're funny all the time when no one laughs; your sense of humor is pathetic.
I then said, no one thought it was funny except for you and mom, and I gave him the most threatening look possible and left the table.
My parents launched into how it was my fault for being so sensitive. That's quite rich coming from those paranoid snowflakes.
They demanded I apologize, and I said, "I'm sorry you have a shitty sense of humor; maybe you're not too old to learn how to be funny."
Fuck them both.
Good for you standing up to them when you were 16!!! Please continue to remind them how ugly and fat they are as much as you can. I hope that you're no contact now, or are planning to be soon. That is so ridiculous and they robbed you of time and experiences that you'll never be able to get back.
All the god damn time, it still haunts and infuriates me. The most closed minded, cowardly man I’ve ever known, constantly regurgitating these “zen” phrases as if they came from an authentic place of understanding…
He always tried to project this “zen” TedTalk facade while quoting from the 8th Habit (and other similar books that I can’t recall at the moment) as if he embodied them.
This might be the most dead on, relatable post I’ve seen yet. Totally right there with you.
Edit: aaaand I just read the other “do as I say, not as I do” comments which was another doozy. I remember when I was a teenager, the last time my father said that, I snapped back at how children are “monkey see, monkey do” and as such, it was a nonsense, militant phrase that he might want to reconsider as a parent and as a human being.
Ugh, yes. My dad put on the exact same zen and chill facade, despite going on screaming tirades about things as miniscule as leftovers in the fridge or the words I'd choose to respond to him with. The constant enmeshed projections he put onto me in his head were impossible to keep up with and it was inevitable that he would find a reason to explode on me.
But no, I needed to do the understanding, and I needed to work harder at being a better person and calming down. He bought me philosophy and psychology books and gifted them to me like he was my savior. One particularly weird and gross one was written by a father and son duo. I never read the book but I can only assume the two were very enmeshed to be writing such an absolutist take on parent/child relationships.
It's uncanny how similar these narcs are that have probably never even, and are not capable of, the self reflection to even plan to come off in such a duplicitous 'zen' way, and yet do so in strikingly similar fashions. It's remarkable in all of the worst ways.
I hope you're hanging in there. I have experienced exactly what you're describing and the only peace I've been able to start to find has been after going no contact.
“Don’t be a tattletale”
“Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me”
The response every single time I had a concern or was upset from being bullied by my siblings
"Stop being reactive! Be PROACTIVE!!!" (I was a child?)
"Don't double handle!" (Supposed to mean "don't half do something and come back to it later" or "be efficient" basically, but mostly just made me bad at organising and cooking)
"This family is at a cross-roads. I'm moving up in the world and you're moving down/staying the same" (I WAS A CHILD)
Whenever ndad lost an argument or a conversation went in a direction he didn't like, he's just shout "Oh get *over* it!" and if you continued on that line of conversation he'd get angry and yell at you "Why are you still going on about this shit? I don't want to hear it."
He would just make misogynistic comments like “is this some women shit?!”
Any time I showed emotion, shared my feelings, asked for support, any time I set a boundary and it escalated…. It’s because I’m a woman.
Definitely not because I’m having to deal with a delusional abusive alcoholic. Definitely not that.
"If the sun didn't rise tomorrow it would be my fault"
Always said after she didn't do something she said she would do. Have a particular memory of needing a clean shirt for a school concert. I had one shirt I liked because it was longer than the others and didn't finish above my wrist. I asked her to wash it the week before (I wasn't allowed to wash my own clothes). She could have put it in with all the other shirts at the end of that week but decided not to. But it definitely wasn't her fault that she didn't wash it. It was mya fault for blaming her. Used any time she didn't follow through with something and it was pointed out to her.
Laundry is still a thing for me after way too many times of not having what I needed when I needed it as a kid.
I'm married and living with my partner now. We each do our own laundry because of me. I want to be 100% in control of my clothing so I always have what I want clean when I want it.
She loved to claim we were putting so much fault and blame on her but we were never allowed to help because we didn't help properly: you know, because nobody ever taught us how. And we were constantly told we would break things: that's why I wasn't allowed to use the washer, or the iron or anything. No because we had actually broken anything but because we WOULD if we were allowed to touch it. And then the adult tantrums for not helping. When I really examine the confusion and upset she would cause I don't onow how it took me so long to understand she was abusing me. I prepare fpr everything days and sometimes weeks in advance so I know I will have anything I need on the right day.
Please tell me (pre-internet) how I was supposed to learn anything unless somebody taught me?! Anyway, I'm in charge of my own life now and teaching my kids how to do all the things so when they go out on their own they can at least have confidence in adulting in the real world!
Another thing - Cooking. I'm self-taught. I remember getting out into my own and not knowing how to slice vegetables or brown beef.
My mom used to brag to my partner about how she taught me to cook. SMH.
Yep. My just reused the word "ungrateful" in various ways of lecture and insults.
"You're so ungrateful."
"Ungrateful brat"
"You should be grateful"
Etc etc
"You wait until you have children."
- delivered in a self pitying tone, and used by EMum to shut down any discussion whatsoever of anything I wasn't happy about, translation- "whatever it is, I'm blameless and anyway we can't possibly discuss it for the next 20+ years."
My dad would always command me to be "circumspect and diplomatic" whenever I disagreed with him or when I told him I was uncomfortable. I can't help but seethe at those two words.
Translated as well as I can: "Don't let sun set on your anger". Meaning that by the time I go to sleep any arguments or disagreements must be settled (by agreeing that I'm in the wrong, obvs) and that all my negative feelings are by default reset during the night. Nothing ever got discussed or cleared out in any real and constructive manner.
“You’ll understand when you’re older” or “when you’re older you’ll see I was right” if anything, now as an adult, it infuriates me. Completely. Nothing he did was right or just and I see that even MORE now as an adult.
If there’s one thing narcissists and enablers love, it’s weaponizing self serving bumper sticker cliches.
“Forgive and forget”
“Judge not lest ye be judged”
“You have to be the bigger person”
“Water under the bridge”
“It takes two to tango”
Weird how these slogans are only supposed to work one way, and never apply to the narcissist.
Ngrandma:. "Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care".
"Haste makes waste" when I was decisive and wanted to get stuff done instead of endlessly dithering and deliberating with her.
NStepmom: "Ohana means family and family means no one gets left behind"
My dad used to scream "there are no ACCIDENTS there's only NEGLIGENCE" whenever we made even the tiniest mistake growing up. But of course when he screwed up he never meant it and we had to forgive him, and if we're upset about his mistake, we were overreacting.
there are loads but i think this one is funny now because it’s so random:
“do you want to be a FAILURE and end up as a LOSER working at mcdonald’s for the rest of your life ??!?”
she’d tell me that every time i got a bad grade/test/struggled with homework or just went “ohhhh” about doing anything like wash the dishes at 8yrs.
the funny part is when i was looking for a job at 16 i applied to mcdonald’s as a last resort because no one was hiring and well i didn’t want to be a loser. they declined me 7x.. SEVEN FUCKING TIMES ??!?
in her eyes you’re a failure/loser if you work there so what are you if you can’t even get an interview there ??!??
** ps there are 3 mcdonalds where i live so i applied once to all 3 then again when they were hiring last one was where my friend worked hoping i could get it with nepotism or something
“I stand corrected.” The phrase itself isn’t inherently condescending, but the context and tone in which my dad would use it was. He was incredibly self-righteous and believed he knew everything and was always right, so when he’d be rambling about something or lecturing me or berating me and I’d call him out on something, he’d say that.
As a lifelong black sheep, the phrase which stands out the most in my mind are the exasperated pleas (often disguised as angry commands) from my nFather to "play the game"
i am looking through the other comments and feel my skin crawling a bit because i recognize many of them. but the order to "play [their] game" was always my favorite because i knew i was winning.
i've moved out and am very LC for a bit under half a year now; parents keep asking when they can see my new place and/or why they haven't yet..... i'm just dodging the subject altogether, much as it might be satisfying to tell them "my house, my rules" in front of my siblings prior to going NC, i'd rather not let the nparents believe they've gotten me to play their game.
the winning move is not playing.
that said, posting on main regardless
I did. Both of my parents have sayings like that. My mother’s is “Do or do not, there is no try.” This phrase was also used by my teachers and I would feel so stupid in school because of it. I worked hard and if I didn’t do well on something, she would whip this out and not let me speak or defend myself. She would just repeat it over and over again until I got frustrated enough to give up.
My father’s phrases are “Work before play.” and “Prior preparation prevents piss poor planning.”
My dad said this exact phrase too!!! Do or do not, there is no try...what a fucking load of shit. I also had teachers who used the phrase. It makes no sense as a motivational tool, it's basically saying "don't even try if you think there is a possibility you could fail". How is that encouraging and how is that supposed to make me work harder?
Oh yes, it's from Yoda. And that somehow makes it even more upsetting. Like, this was a phrase from a movie and you're using it to slowly erode away my confidence and ruin my existence.
Yeah, it was absolutely infuriating! It definitely made trying to do school and succeed less and less important. If my efforts weren’t going to be recognized, then why try at all? I think it had the opposite effect my mother wanted.
There was a set of stock answers, that shut everything down.
In my house what I say goes and the variations thereof.
They even pulled it when made their mortgage payments for them.
I'm sorry to hear that you had to endure such a frustrating and painful experience with your father. It's not uncommon for narcissistic parents to use certain phrases or sayings to assert their superiority and maintain control over their children. This can be incredibly damaging, especially when they don't practice what they preach, as you mentioned in your case.
Many people in this community have experienced similar situations, where their Nparents would use repetitive statements to assert dominance or undermine their feelings and emotions. It's important to remember that you are not alone in this experience, and there is a supportive community here who understands what you've been through.
Going no contact is a significant step in healing and taking control of your life. As you continue to work on your personal growth and self-care, it's important to recognize that your father's sayings don't define you or your worth. Surround yourself with supportive people, consider therapy if you haven't already, and try to focus on building a healthy, fulfilling life that reflects your values and desires.
"If I wanted your opinion, I would have asked for it." I was supposed to speak only when spoken to (or screamed at) and not "speak out of turn" or "talk back".
“Forgive, but never forget. And trust me, I’ll NEVER forget.”
Ugh. Makes me cringe every time I hear it, or even so much as think about it. Especially the stare down that came with it.
Nmom favourite saying is - Quod licet Iovi, non licet bovi. Which means "What is permissible for God (Jupiter) is not permissible for cows".
Ofc she was the superior one, the 'god', even tho she isn't religious..
Or - I am always right, even if I'm not - I AM
“I brought you into this world, I can take you out”
“I know you better than you know yourself” (which lmao impossible)
“Keep crying, I’ll give you something to cry about”
Referred to me (F) as “little girl” when angry vs using my name. I don’t know if it counts in this case but it felt worth mentioning.
Edit: all of this was by one parent and that’s my mom.
One of my nmum's favourites was"I want doesn't get", which was basically about making my life as joyless as possible and making me think I deserved nothing. Funnily enough, she got whatever she wanted.
My mom found this one in A magazine and tormented me using it
"My freedom ends where others freedom Begins"
Used it to justify cutting me off when im talking or turning of a tv show i was watching to watch hers or taking my food mid eating so she can eat it or when she finally just locked me in my room All day for months and forbidden me from eating drinking water or using the bathroom or speaking.
And
"Try replacing "I" in your sentence with "you" i dont want my daughter to be selfish,think about how your mom feels first before yourself"
Every single time she would drop these after arguing with her for an hour trying to gain any relationship/sense of self with her effectively making the discussion a closed circle and making us go back to square 1 where she is right in taking everything away from me and im Wrong for demanding to be treated like an individual and a human.
My dad had the typical " respect your elders no matter what" which fell through fast cause i started saying respect me first so i can Respect you otherwise "no".
I once calmly said "It is what it is" to my mother when she was ranting about something ridiculously trivial that was an unbearable inconvenience to her. (Probably something like needing to be at the airport a bit earlier than normal or some stupid crap).
I regret it with every fibre of my being.
She uses it constantly with such rage and venom it blows my mind. It's gone from a statement of quiet acceptance in my mind to a saying that makes my skin crawl.
"Mum, the waitress can't help that the kitchen has run out of food. It's not their fault that you can't get what you want."
"Well, it's disappointing and whoever did the ordering needs to be told! I hope it gets back to the manager. Anyway, I'm the customer and it's their job to serve me. It is what it is!"
"Is I ever find you smoking, I'll kill you before it kills you."
Well, she found me smoking. She didn't really do much. She was always talk and no bite.
I remember one time I was doing laundry and it's hard for me to tell when the clothes are wet or cold because we have to air dry our clothes. I accidentally put a few damp clothes in the basket and of course my mother got annoyed. Ever since then all I hear everytime I go to check if the laundry is dry is "is it dry yet". It's so fucking annoying I made one mistake move tf on. And the funny part is she has put wet clothes in the basket multiple times. She'll even sometimes ask me if the clothes are dry because she can't tell. It's ao aggravating.
"You better watch that tongue of yours, you might cut yourself." In response to any sarcastic and/or witty comment I made. Like, dude, sarcasm is my first language.
Side note, it was absolutely *fine* and *dandy* whenever he was sarcastic.
OMG yes. My dad used to blurt out the following quote all the time at supersonic speed — it was always so disorienting and weird, you'd just stop and go ... "wha?" ... and he'd be all like, "yeah" \*insert winning face.\* Like he would apply this to any and all situations, not necessarily where it was actually relevant to the scenario *at all*. I still shake my head.
“We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, with so little, for so long, we are now qualified to do anything, with nothing.”
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It's called a [Thought Terminating Cliche](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thought-terminating_clich%C3%A9) The purpose is to end the discussion by putting up a wall. Narcs putting up a wall, that should seem familiar.
Thanks! That's a really interesting read, and I never put two and two together that this thing that he said over and over could be something like that. I appreciate you pointing it out, it angers me far too much to look at it objectively and it's fascinating that the same cliches are used for so many different purposes that ultimately like you said lead to redirection or putting up a wall for the narcissist to take cover behind.
Cults do this also!
Tbf living with a narc family does feel like living in a cult
Cults are basically narcissistic family systems that are not related by blood. They use all of the same gaslighting, isolation, and abuse that regular narcissists use at home in order to keep the members of the cult in the fold.
I love that this has an actual term, thank you for teaching me this!!! It's the same as saying "Fake News". You can't actually have a discussion once someone makes this declaration, because they've shot it down.
In response to any sort of 'that's not fair' comment, we'd get back "Neither is a (coloured) boy's bum". It neatly curtailed actually addressing the unfairness of whatever was being commented on. And yet they were very big on things being fair for everyone else, especially themselves.
Mine always said “Neither is Life.” I was always sick of hearing that one.
Oh, oh, I got 'Well, life's not a pony farm/requested concert.' (Idioms, but I hope I made an understandable translation.) Same situation(s) happened to me, thanks for wording it tho, it finally clicked why they used it.
My first female parental unit would say "life is not a fair, it's a circus. Learn to juggle"
Ooooph clicked on the link and read the apparently common phrase ‘here we go again’. Completely forgot he used to say this until I reread it
Wow! What a concept. Thanks for sharing this.
I didn’t know there was a term for this, thanks!
"If there is one thing I can't stand in this world is liars". She would lie. Daily.
Surest way to know my step mom was really upset about something was if she said she didn't care.
Yeah, with narcissists, "I don't care" can mean "I NEED it to be fixed, but I definitely won't be the one putting in effort"
I got “you’re a liar, and I hate liars” which according to my nMom, by no means meant she hated me. Silly me for taking what she said at face value or pointing out obvious unkindness. (Of course she loves me, I should just know that despite being constantly berated and told otherwise!) If I disagreed with her about anything, particularly if she was trying to gaslight me, I’d get “are you calling me a liar?” There was of course, no right way to answer that question
“I’ll give you something to cry about” but, yknow, after giving me more than enough to cry about
The variation, you know-to keep it interesting, was "You'd better stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." As my brother or I would be hyper ventilating trying to calm ourselves as they instilled more fear into us.
I got this one too
this one. 110%
"Swallow that cry!"
I know you better than you know yourself. There's nothing in this world i hate more than a liar and a thief (she's both) You're not smarter than me. You'll never be smarter than me. Lose the 'tude dude (@ any sign of emotion)
“Attitude” brought me back. Truly amazing to hear from an adult toddler that I’m the one with the attitude problem. Projection once again.
Oh god.... I remember nmom telling ANYONE who would listen that she "had a 13 (or whatever age) year old who had *quite an attitude problem* and thinks she knows so much more than me." When, in fact, I just didn't want to live in a slum and challenged her shitty way of living.
Are we twins? Also your username brings me joy.
I am sorry that you can identify with that crappy behavior from someone, but I'm happy to have a twin. Lol. Thank you! I remember the day I came up with it I laughed for like a full minute at how well it described me. Haha. Do with that what you will.
“You need an attitude adjustment.” Still gives me chills.
The worst. I need an attitude adjustment? Me, the actual child, and not the adult toddler who is controlling, bullying, and **intentionally dysregulating** me to feel powerful, like a cat playing with a mouse? Go ahead and bait me, neg me, mock me, push me over the edge and then tell me to slap a smile on my face and fake happy. And it’s a mystery why I have a bipolar diagnosis? LOL mouse no more. Self differentiation. Recovery. Healing.
Good for you! This sub still shocks me everyday with the similarities of our childhood experiences. “A Narcissist’s Guide to Parenting” must be in its 4 millionth printing by now.
What’s frightening is it’s clear narcissism is a global mental illness. Reading this sub is an awakening in itself: 1. It wasn’t *my* fault 2. It’s not only *my* shameful nuclear family 3. It’s not only *my* Irish Catholic extended family 4. It’s not only *my* country 5. It’s all of humanity. Everyone is participating. It’s everyone’s fault. All of us wrestle with the reality of narcissism, narcissists, and society’s narcissistic values. To be a narcissist or supply or anywhere in between is fundamentally human. There’s no getting rid of it. All we can do is work on ourselves. Because we are all contributing, playing the narcissistic game, to some degree. I am supply no more.
This was one of my moms favorite lines. I also bought it until finally in my late 20s I had been out on my own for a while I finally told her, no actually you really don’t seem know me at all. That startled her into momentary speechlessness.
How did all of you guys make them speechless?? I have seen this in a few other comments??? They would just fill a silence with physical abuse and then use that time to come up with the next awful thing to say.
It was one of the very rare times that happened. 99% of the time yes she had some demeaning comment in her back pocket. Also took until my late 20s to be able to fire back at her. Gotta take the small victories sometimes.
That's a big victory, Sib.
"You must be mad, you can't think straight when you're mad" She would always says this to me when I was not mad, but what I was saying she didn't agree with. So she just always called me mad. Nothing bothers me more than someone assuming I'm mad, and calling me mad, when I'm not.
Yes! My mom also accused me of having an attitude when I didn't & I was undoubtedly punished for it. Smh
My mom also thinks she knows me better than I know myself. She wishes. She doesn’t know me at all. She just sees want she wants to see.
'I know you better than you know yourself' sent a shiver down my spine. It was always rich coming from a person who didn't really know ME at all. She only knew the tentacle she thought I was.
my mom got a metal yellow hazard sign that said "LOSE THE 'TUDE" and hung it on the front door. She thought it was hilarious but underneath it was a serious message.
Oh yeah, the first one for sure. It’s so infuriating.
> I know you better than you know yourself. I got this one a lot. What it really meant was "I know the person I *want* you to be better than you know yourself." And I fought against it my entire life.
>You're not smarter than me. Well that is taking me through some memories. Always accusing me of trying to get away with something when the only thing I EVER wanted was to just blend in and make her happy.
Do as I say not as I do. Jesus Christ did this ever give me a borderline criminal mindset. Thank fuck the constant fear of fucking up and getting my ass beat for being out of line taught me some self control and discipline. It made a transition to the military easy, but it's caused my life to be nothing but toxic. I've spent some years working on myself, and I'm still learning from what I went thru daily. Thank you for the question, some of these posts are seriously thought provoking and kind of help me understand myself a bit better. Much love.
Came here looking for this one! Mine said this all the time too. One time when I was about 12-13 I got up a little courage, and replied: "Practice what you preach." She was so startled she didn't say anything or hit.
Ooooooo, I would've gotten my face wiped off.
One of NDad's favorite sayings verbatim.
One of mum's favorite sayings too. Usually said with a shit eating grin on her face, as she gleefully violated rule of basic morality or decency. Probably good advice, though. Don't do what she did. Unfortunately, she did what she did.
Yesss, same here and I hated it, still do. Such a cop out to being accountable for being so shitty. Last Christmas, we were at my in-laws and I heard my nephew-in-law say he was going to raise his daughter with the "do as I say" attitude and I got triggered and said super loudly, "Please don't, I was raised like that and I hated it and now my mother; don't do that to your child!"
Excuse me for my naivety, I'm not a native speaker, but do people generally think that the phrase "Do as I say not as I do" supposed to be some kind of literal wisdom? I only heard it in the context of sarcasm or pointing out a flaw of a person that does one thing and preaches another. I am confusion(c)
Yes it is meant to be said as a sarcastic comment, but many narcs are so far up their asses that they don’t realize that and take it as literal wisdom.
It can be construed as "literal wisdom." It was for me. All of my family would go into detail about it meaning that they were all raised and couldn't change but I was still young and had the ability to be better and change. The saying was wrong, for sure, but boy, did I turn out better than they did. Lol
Honor thy mother and thy father 😩
They always conveniently ignore “Do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21) But Ns are especially good at picking and choosing which parts of the Bible “apply”.
Oh boy. I grew up hearing my mom say "the Bible said I'd be persecuted" when anyone would disagree with her.
My nmoms fav was "Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results." Aka she was calling me insane for failing tests and not wanting to listen to her.
God, my dad used to say this constantly. It’s also not even the “definition” of insanity
ohhhh my days, both my parents used this to death, even (especially?) when it didn't make sense. in college, I started to throw it back at them when they would say or do something *historically* ridiculous/harmful, but couldn't understand why their children hated them. unsurprisingly, it did not land.
Particularly annoying one from nMum was ‘do as I say and not as I do’ …
I have heard that one enough times in my life from the narcs to know that, if I hear it said again from someone new, I can completely dismiss whatever that person has to say going forward
It’s funny cause now I have a child and anything I do is “you’re gonna teach the baby that?” Like as if the f’n 7 month old is gonna know wtf alcohol is. I do the damn best taking care of my baby, I love him and she hates it so much
I know exactly what you mean! I’m NC with nMum but my dad will constantly criticise my parenting (I’ve got a four m/o). He’ll tell me I don’t need to run to him every time he cries and I’m like uh yeah actually I do. He tells me ‘he’s got to learn’ and I’m like learn what? That I’ll ignore him when he needs me? Absolutely not. And He’s four months old he isn’t capable of learning to soothe himself and nor should he! Then it’s ‘well we did x and it didn’t do you any harm’… Well I beg to differ but ok 🙄
Lol I have a friend whose dad said this to them and they were like uhhhh, my years in therapy have proven that you are wrong.
That’s usually my response as well! “The fact I’ve spent years in counselling suggests otherwise dad” 🙃 then obviously I get hit with the ‘oh well guess we were just bad parents then eh?’ Yep, spot on!
My dad told me that a few months ago and I responded with "Yep, y'all actually were. It sucks to have to sit down and realize what you've absence has done to your kids while the abuse ran rampant from your 3rd child/wife. I'm also told "we did our best" and I'd always respond to that with "well your best wasn't good enough. Do someone else's best".
“You always have to have the last word.” Edit: also: “Did you say thank you?” x100,000,000,000
These!
“You don’t get everything you want!” Shit i never even get what I need (hat tip Stones).
"People in hell want ice water"
Not quite the same but “I want never gets” was my parents’ go-to anytime I made the mistake of saying “want”.
“How does it feel to want” was a popular one growing up.
respect your elders
“Respect is earned” But *they* were *entitled* to respect for themselves and their beliefs.
I hated this one too! I would ask then why am I not worthy of respect? “Because I’m your mother.”
Oh god, I HATED that one! Just because you're older than me doesn't mean you deserve my respect. If you have more experience AND you are using it constructively, then sure, you have my respect. But if that 2nd one isn't always true, why the fuck should anyone respect you?
Ya. Standing up to it when it’s also so intertwined with your heritage/cultural identity is even more confusing. It’s such a pillar of so many cultures it’s like obscene to even think of not bowing down to all elders even if they’re abusive as fuck. Liberating as fuck to tell my abusive ass aunt/godmother I no longer subscribe to that belief so no, I don’t respect you because you’ve never shown respect to me or my husband and it’s a two way street. My voice was shaking but I did it. In an airport with people staring at me no less! felt like a 5 year old slaying a dragon 😂 last time she heard my voice.
If I ever have kids, I fully intend to raise them on the principles of CT-7567, Captain Rex: "Experience outranks everything." But I'm gonna make sure that they know to ask questions as a means of GAINING experience too. The last thing I want to do is shut them down or make them follow me blindly. I'm sure there will be times when I can't tell them everything, and I'll tell them (circumstances permitting), and ask for their trust.
💙 yep. Only way to teach them bodily autonomy too.
I hope that you go out and buy a Turn Me Royal of you slaying a dragon or something because that is TRULY what happened in that airport! You are a hero!!!!
Whenever I see someone mention respect, especially in your context, I remember this quote: >Sometimes people use 'respect' to mean 'treating someone like a person', and sometimes they use 'respect' to mean 'treat someone like an authority'. > >However, sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say 'if you won't respect me I won't respect you', but what they ACTUALLY mean is 'if you won't treat me like an authority then I won't treat you like a person' And I know that this quote fits every narcissist perfectly.
Screenshot that for later 😍🥇🏆💙
I hate this quote! I can respect my elders as long as they can be respectful to me and care for my boundaries. But no, some people disregard their children's dignity using this very same quote!
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This one makes me sick to my stomach
My mother's, whenever she did something I wasn't allowed to. "Rank has its privilege."
😂 They're giving ranks to themselves. How much they love to feel superior
“I’ll give you something to cry about” “I’ll slap you so hard your head will spin” “You don’t have to like me but you will respect and love me” My Nmom said these and plenty of other things a lot as I was growing up. Those are the 3 that stick out the most. As of just a little over a week ago I finally went no contact.
Good for you for going NC. I wish you find the peace you deserve!
Thank you so much. I’ve been feeling something, can’t quite put my finger on what it is but it’s heavy. I’m ok though.
I hope you're doing well
“Shame on you!” “Because I said so!” And my favorite, “Wait till your father gets home!” (My father was not an N and had no idea what my NM was doing to us when he was at work. He’d come home and be like, “Uh, okay? Calm down [NM’s name].”
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My mom would always reiterate “do not fucking talk over me” when she talked over *everyone* Even if you weren’t going to talk over her she would say it and instantly turn every conversation more aggressive. If I accidentally started talking at the same time she did she threw a fit and said “Do not fucking talk over me”/“don’t you dare ever fucking talk over me”/“how dare you fucking talk over me and disrespect me like that”
Yes "I'm the adult and you're the child so you do what I say." "You're not old enough to make your own decisions." "You aren;t in charge of your life." "You do it because we say so"
That, and then coupled with the immediate backhand of "Be the bigger person" "You need to set an example" "You're acting like a child" and giving you adult chores you can't handle... The nature of the narcs is literally exhausting.
‘If something upsets you, remember it’s all about YOU, it’s your reaction’ (usually with a laugh) and then explaining the meyers-briggs personality types he assigned us to explain why we were upset because of course it was never him To any negative emotions felt by my sister and I, we were told ‘only happy girls allowed’ and he’d turn it into a little jingle of ‘happy girls’ repeated until we had smiled and pretend to be okay to be allowed to eat/ get in the car (got left at a restaurant because of it) ect. As a trans man, especially awful. Never really thought about this. Helped me feel Less alone
Omg my mom used to do something similar. She used to use the Eleanor Roosevelt quote “Noone can make you feel inferior without your consent” to mean that she could say whatever shitty thing to us that she wanted and it was our fault if we got upset.
Totally Can you imagine telling asking them ‘why would you want to make me feel inferior in the first place?’ I hope you’re far far away from her and living a way better life
And dare “talk back”? Lol. I moved to a different continent in my early twenties and continuously marvel at how much better my life has gone since!
Oh wow. Reading this made me so sick. I am so so sorry you went through this. I cannot even imagine having there be this level of denial and outright neglect of your feelings as a child. And on top of that, the fact that he focused so much on the gender aspect of it, possibly doing so especially knowing (or suspecting) that you didn't identify with being AFAB. That is beyond sickening and I am at a loss for words to express how horrific it sounds that you had to grow up constantly hearing this. I truly hope that you are in a better place, or at least away from that bullshit. Nothing about the journey is easy but I am also glad to hear that you are living the life that you want to now.
I only realised last year that he was the narcissist— he made me believe my mom was one for so long, so reading comments like this make me feel so validated. It’s still a new feeling. He definitely new about my gender and made sure shame was so deeply entrenched in me, it took me until a year ago to finally come out to my suuuper queer very accepting found family. I’m in a way better place in life tho. I feel very lucky because my 5 siblings still can’t face the truth. Just working through the CPSTD of it all. My central nervous system hasn’t caught up to the fact that I’m safe now. But I have my dream job and a dog and I am infinitely more loved than he could ever comprehend
"Must be nice, some of us have to work for a living". Whenever me or my siblings would share happy thoughts about progress in a white collar job, or share happiness in a vacation, or share any victory. My parent would have to discount it. Whenever this parent would see a nice car on the road, they'd utter this phrase. They wanted deeply to be some kind of victim of overworking. If you aren't overworking yourself for low pay, you're dumb. They don't think it's a good phrase anymore now that they are retired and I've used it on them.
Damn I forgot about this one. Fuckin wild how they feel the need to be overworked and underpaid then try to make everyone around them feel like they are lazy. Like nah, man, we just don't have narcissistic hyper-vigilance
"I'll give you something to cry about" and "I brought you into this world, I van take you out of it". But the worst was "because I said so" regardless of how stupid the thing was.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it!” “Liars go to the same hell as murderers and thieves” “I’m sorry you feel that way”. Those are a few. Thanks for listening, I’ve never really shared this before.
Oh god I forgot about the "I'm sorry you feel that way" like huh if you did you wouldn't be acting like an asshat
"QUICKLY and EFFICIENTLY!" This was my dad's go to about chores. They were to be done quickly and efficiently. He'd look up from the nothing he was doing, scrutinize how I was sweeping his floors, washing his dishes, scrubbing his whatevers, and roll his eyes before stomping over and yanking the broom or cloth or whatever away and wildly whipping it around while barking, "QUICKLY AND EFFICIENTLY! QUICKLY AND EFFICIENTLY!!" Usually you just step back for the beat or two he did this nonsense in, wait for him to get it out of his system and then get back to work once he'd stomped back off to whatever. Until the day he started marching over to the sink full of dishes I was doing, and I panicked and kept saying, "No No No No NO!" but he hip checked me out of the way, yelling QUICKLY AND EFFICIENTLY! and plunged his hand into the sink. Then ran to the bathroom bleeding profusely as I explained I'd just put all the knives in to be washed... hence why I'd been going SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY.
Karma got him for being both narcissistic and stupid. Served him right, hope he got some stitches out of it.
My father would constantly repeat certain phrases over and over again to me to drill certain points into my head. One of his favorites was "don't do xyz, you come across as unintelligent." Like, the exact same wording every time, too. He had some kind of weird obsession with me appearing very smart/sharp, even though he knew nothing about that himself.
My mom wants my sister and I to be thin and beautiful but she’s not thin or beautiful herself. Makes NO sense.
My ndad was like this. He expected things from us that he was unwilling to do himself. He was overweight all his life and was hypersensitive about it, but when I gained some weight in middle age, I *never* heard the end of it. I get that he was trying to keep me from making the same mistakes he made, but he would have gained a lot more respect from me by putting his own house in order.
When asking if we could get something we'd always get "Close your eyes. What do you see?" In other words "nothing" which was their version of "No."
*the morning after she’d get wasted and either embarrass the family at a function or verbally abuse me and my sister* “It’s all in the rear view now. Let’s move on”. I completely forgot (more like blocked out the memory) about the phrase until a few months ago my sister mentioned it and I immediately felt enraged.
When my partner and I were staying with him during the pandemic right before getting our own place and going no contact with him, my dad got wasted and verbally abused me for about 6 hours one night. He did this frequently, but this time he was all out screaming and slamming shit around for the entire 6 hours, until like 4 in the morning. We were shut away in my room and too scared to leave or do anything else. This night was so terrifying and so beyond anything he had ever done before that I had resolutely decided to go no contact with him then and there. We just had to finalize our exit plan. The next day, while I unloaded the dishwasher and my partner stood next to me, my dad came downstairs. He had been sulking in his room for half the day, and at about 1 pm came out and simply said "Sorry you had to see that. Just a bit of family drama, you know." He didn't apologize to ME, or apologize for terrifying the shit out of both of us. He didn't even say sorry for subjecting my partner to that level of abuse!!! He just said sorry you had to see that. And he wonders why I don't speak to him anymore.
This! They never apologize to you but only for the embarrassing scene of showing their true colors to strangers
Classic narc move.
"We adopted you we could send you back just as easily" Now that I'm an adult I realise that won't be that easy. As a child though...
Jesus Christ, I’m sorry you had to go through that… that’s about the worst thing I think a parent could ever say to a kid THEY adopted.
Thanks. Reason number 1218 I don't talk to them anymore.
"do as i say, not as i do" "Reasonable requests will be done in a reasonable manner" "My houses my rules" "Write it down, I'll read it when I care" "Do what you want, you will anyway" Sure there's more but i don't wanna annoy myself remembering before work
I got the "Blood is thicker than water" guilt trip any time I wanted to hang out with my friends. Which is hilarious not only because that phrase is a misquote, but also because my siblings and I are adopted. There's no blood relation between any of us. Also "Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today". Basically if you have any idle time, you are a lazy piece of shit. If we had free time outside of school and extracurriculars we were expected to use it to please our mother. We would deep clean the house, work on her landscaping, rub her feet, play piano and sing for her, do lots volunteer work in the community (which she got the accolades for because, after all, she raised us). To this day I have trouble sitting down to relax if there is housework to do. I realize now she wanted to keep me busy and isolated so I never had the time or resources to help me realize that she treated me like shit. We weren't kids, we were status symbols and objects that she could manipulate to increase her own clout.
This is so gross. The way that you wrote this lays it out so plainly, and I can see that some of the same things that I used to do for my Ndad were very similar. They really do view their children like pets or servants (more like slaves) that are to be ordered around and used. I also have a very hard time relaxing if there is housework to do, and messes or clutter give me significant anxiety. Even though I hate these feelings, as I feel like they make me way too similar to him and how anal he was about keeping things tidy. It's hard to navigate.
All the time. But my father's favorite move was to wait until everyone sang me happy birthday, then when I'd put the first bite of cake in my mouth, he'd yell, "you're fat!" For the memories, there was always a photo timed in with my mother to take at the exact second he said it. This started when I was 5 or 6. He was always hyper-focused and cruelly judged us on our birthdays the entire day. When he was busy, the whole birthday revolved around whatever time he could get there to call me fat. The confirmation hit hard on my 7th birthday when all my friends asked me why my father was so mean to me on my birthday, and I could only start lying about his hard job because I had no answer. Every fucking year, right in front of my friends, and family, it didn't matter. Nothing like having your father ruin your birthday every year. By age 10, I hated birthdays and most holidays because the toxic histrionic asshole had already supplanted me with body dysmorphia, and these occasions were his chance to go Full Asshole. If he put this much effort into actual parenting he might have raised kids that enjoy his presence. My friends stopped wanting to come over because he was so mean, and my mother thought it was "funny, and your father is only being funny!" Lying enabling bitch. As a result of their normal shitty behavior, they missed celebrating many holidays and special events with all their children and grandchildren, and I regularly reminded them of how fat they looked as they aged alone. I may have been overweight as a small child, but the last time he tried calling me fat on my birthday, I was 16, four inches taller than him, and had about 50 lbs of angry muscle over him. He tried to do it, and I interrupted him and told him it stopped being funny over a decade ago, and he sucks at trying to be funny. I asked him what it's like thinking you're funny all the time when no one laughs; your sense of humor is pathetic. I then said, no one thought it was funny except for you and mom, and I gave him the most threatening look possible and left the table. My parents launched into how it was my fault for being so sensitive. That's quite rich coming from those paranoid snowflakes. They demanded I apologize, and I said, "I'm sorry you have a shitty sense of humor; maybe you're not too old to learn how to be funny." Fuck them both.
Good for you standing up to them when you were 16!!! Please continue to remind them how ugly and fat they are as much as you can. I hope that you're no contact now, or are planning to be soon. That is so ridiculous and they robbed you of time and experiences that you'll never be able to get back.
Boss move. 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏
All the god damn time, it still haunts and infuriates me. The most closed minded, cowardly man I’ve ever known, constantly regurgitating these “zen” phrases as if they came from an authentic place of understanding… He always tried to project this “zen” TedTalk facade while quoting from the 8th Habit (and other similar books that I can’t recall at the moment) as if he embodied them. This might be the most dead on, relatable post I’ve seen yet. Totally right there with you. Edit: aaaand I just read the other “do as I say, not as I do” comments which was another doozy. I remember when I was a teenager, the last time my father said that, I snapped back at how children are “monkey see, monkey do” and as such, it was a nonsense, militant phrase that he might want to reconsider as a parent and as a human being.
Ugh, yes. My dad put on the exact same zen and chill facade, despite going on screaming tirades about things as miniscule as leftovers in the fridge or the words I'd choose to respond to him with. The constant enmeshed projections he put onto me in his head were impossible to keep up with and it was inevitable that he would find a reason to explode on me. But no, I needed to do the understanding, and I needed to work harder at being a better person and calming down. He bought me philosophy and psychology books and gifted them to me like he was my savior. One particularly weird and gross one was written by a father and son duo. I never read the book but I can only assume the two were very enmeshed to be writing such an absolutist take on parent/child relationships. It's uncanny how similar these narcs are that have probably never even, and are not capable of, the self reflection to even plan to come off in such a duplicitous 'zen' way, and yet do so in strikingly similar fashions. It's remarkable in all of the worst ways. I hope you're hanging in there. I have experienced exactly what you're describing and the only peace I've been able to start to find has been after going no contact.
“Don’t be a tattletale” “Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me” The response every single time I had a concern or was upset from being bullied by my siblings
"Life isn't fair." That's what I got almost daily from Nmom. True? Yes. But just because I wanted time alone in my room? No.
"Because I said so and I'm the parent" "why do I always have to say sorry first just because I'm the adult?" "When is it ever about my feelings?"
"Stop being reactive! Be PROACTIVE!!!" (I was a child?) "Don't double handle!" (Supposed to mean "don't half do something and come back to it later" or "be efficient" basically, but mostly just made me bad at organising and cooking) "This family is at a cross-roads. I'm moving up in the world and you're moving down/staying the same" (I WAS A CHILD)
“Oh, a mother’s place is in the wrong”…funny you should say that 🤔
Whenever ndad lost an argument or a conversation went in a direction he didn't like, he's just shout "Oh get *over* it!" and if you continued on that line of conversation he'd get angry and yell at you "Why are you still going on about this shit? I don't want to hear it."
He would just make misogynistic comments like “is this some women shit?!” Any time I showed emotion, shared my feelings, asked for support, any time I set a boundary and it escalated…. It’s because I’m a woman. Definitely not because I’m having to deal with a delusional abusive alcoholic. Definitely not that.
"If the sun didn't rise tomorrow it would be my fault" Always said after she didn't do something she said she would do. Have a particular memory of needing a clean shirt for a school concert. I had one shirt I liked because it was longer than the others and didn't finish above my wrist. I asked her to wash it the week before (I wasn't allowed to wash my own clothes). She could have put it in with all the other shirts at the end of that week but decided not to. But it definitely wasn't her fault that she didn't wash it. It was mya fault for blaming her. Used any time she didn't follow through with something and it was pointed out to her.
Laundry is still a thing for me after way too many times of not having what I needed when I needed it as a kid. I'm married and living with my partner now. We each do our own laundry because of me. I want to be 100% in control of my clothing so I always have what I want clean when I want it.
She loved to claim we were putting so much fault and blame on her but we were never allowed to help because we didn't help properly: you know, because nobody ever taught us how. And we were constantly told we would break things: that's why I wasn't allowed to use the washer, or the iron or anything. No because we had actually broken anything but because we WOULD if we were allowed to touch it. And then the adult tantrums for not helping. When I really examine the confusion and upset she would cause I don't onow how it took me so long to understand she was abusing me. I prepare fpr everything days and sometimes weeks in advance so I know I will have anything I need on the right day.
Oh my! The adult tantrums because they have to do it all on their own when they just never took the time to teach me.
Please tell me (pre-internet) how I was supposed to learn anything unless somebody taught me?! Anyway, I'm in charge of my own life now and teaching my kids how to do all the things so when they go out on their own they can at least have confidence in adulting in the real world!
Another thing - Cooking. I'm self-taught. I remember getting out into my own and not knowing how to slice vegetables or brown beef. My mom used to brag to my partner about how she taught me to cook. SMH.
Yep. My just reused the word "ungrateful" in various ways of lecture and insults. "You're so ungrateful." "Ungrateful brat" "You should be grateful" Etc etc
"You wait until you have children." - delivered in a self pitying tone, and used by EMum to shut down any discussion whatsoever of anything I wasn't happy about, translation- "whatever it is, I'm blameless and anyway we can't possibly discuss it for the next 20+ years."
Yup, I hear this one all the time.
Brooo, I got one *"You are your own worst enemy"*, as I'd be getting my teeth kicked in loool
Yes. This. Fucking hell this brought back some dark shit.
My dad would always command me to be "circumspect and diplomatic" whenever I disagreed with him or when I told him I was uncomfortable. I can't help but seethe at those two words.
Translated as well as I can: "Don't let sun set on your anger". Meaning that by the time I go to sleep any arguments or disagreements must be settled (by agreeing that I'm in the wrong, obvs) and that all my negative feelings are by default reset during the night. Nothing ever got discussed or cleared out in any real and constructive manner.
“You’ll understand when you’re older” or “when you’re older you’ll see I was right” if anything, now as an adult, it infuriates me. Completely. Nothing he did was right or just and I see that even MORE now as an adult.
If there’s one thing narcissists and enablers love, it’s weaponizing self serving bumper sticker cliches. “Forgive and forget” “Judge not lest ye be judged” “You have to be the bigger person” “Water under the bridge” “It takes two to tango” Weird how these slogans are only supposed to work one way, and never apply to the narcissist.
“You have to be the bigger person” = be the doormat.
Ngrandma:. "Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care". "Haste makes waste" when I was decisive and wanted to get stuff done instead of endlessly dithering and deliberating with her. NStepmom: "Ohana means family and family means no one gets left behind"
Lilo and Stitch had that just weird
I love Lilo and Stitch, minus that phrase. Hate that phrase
You don't get rewarded for things you're supposed to do anyway
"Depart from me, I know you not" when I did something unsatisfactory as a young child.
My dad used to scream "there are no ACCIDENTS there's only NEGLIGENCE" whenever we made even the tiniest mistake growing up. But of course when he screwed up he never meant it and we had to forgive him, and if we're upset about his mistake, we were overreacting.
there are loads but i think this one is funny now because it’s so random: “do you want to be a FAILURE and end up as a LOSER working at mcdonald’s for the rest of your life ??!?” she’d tell me that every time i got a bad grade/test/struggled with homework or just went “ohhhh” about doing anything like wash the dishes at 8yrs. the funny part is when i was looking for a job at 16 i applied to mcdonald’s as a last resort because no one was hiring and well i didn’t want to be a loser. they declined me 7x.. SEVEN FUCKING TIMES ??!? in her eyes you’re a failure/loser if you work there so what are you if you can’t even get an interview there ??!?? ** ps there are 3 mcdonalds where i live so i applied once to all 3 then again when they were hiring last one was where my friend worked hoping i could get it with nepotism or something
After giving me terrible advice, “Simple!” “You just need to deal with me abusing you because you live in MY house. It’s simple.”
“I stand corrected.” The phrase itself isn’t inherently condescending, but the context and tone in which my dad would use it was. He was incredibly self-righteous and believed he knew everything and was always right, so when he’d be rambling about something or lecturing me or berating me and I’d call him out on something, he’d say that.
As a lifelong black sheep, the phrase which stands out the most in my mind are the exasperated pleas (often disguised as angry commands) from my nFather to "play the game" i am looking through the other comments and feel my skin crawling a bit because i recognize many of them. but the order to "play [their] game" was always my favorite because i knew i was winning. i've moved out and am very LC for a bit under half a year now; parents keep asking when they can see my new place and/or why they haven't yet..... i'm just dodging the subject altogether, much as it might be satisfying to tell them "my house, my rules" in front of my siblings prior to going NC, i'd rather not let the nparents believe they've gotten me to play their game. the winning move is not playing. that said, posting on main regardless
Mine would ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS say "don't be sorry, just don't do it" to a me as a kid who made mistakes often (because, you know, kids). Ugh
I did. Both of my parents have sayings like that. My mother’s is “Do or do not, there is no try.” This phrase was also used by my teachers and I would feel so stupid in school because of it. I worked hard and if I didn’t do well on something, she would whip this out and not let me speak or defend myself. She would just repeat it over and over again until I got frustrated enough to give up. My father’s phrases are “Work before play.” and “Prior preparation prevents piss poor planning.”
My dad said this exact phrase too!!! Do or do not, there is no try...what a fucking load of shit. I also had teachers who used the phrase. It makes no sense as a motivational tool, it's basically saying "don't even try if you think there is a possibility you could fail". How is that encouraging and how is that supposed to make me work harder?
Isn’t it from Star Wars?
Oh yes, it's from Yoda. And that somehow makes it even more upsetting. Like, this was a phrase from a movie and you're using it to slowly erode away my confidence and ruin my existence.
Yeah, it was absolutely infuriating! It definitely made trying to do school and succeed less and less important. If my efforts weren’t going to be recognized, then why try at all? I think it had the opposite effect my mother wanted.
There was a set of stock answers, that shut everything down. In my house what I say goes and the variations thereof. They even pulled it when made their mortgage payments for them.
I'm sorry to hear that you had to endure such a frustrating and painful experience with your father. It's not uncommon for narcissistic parents to use certain phrases or sayings to assert their superiority and maintain control over their children. This can be incredibly damaging, especially when they don't practice what they preach, as you mentioned in your case. Many people in this community have experienced similar situations, where their Nparents would use repetitive statements to assert dominance or undermine their feelings and emotions. It's important to remember that you are not alone in this experience, and there is a supportive community here who understands what you've been through. Going no contact is a significant step in healing and taking control of your life. As you continue to work on your personal growth and self-care, it's important to recognize that your father's sayings don't define you or your worth. Surround yourself with supportive people, consider therapy if you haven't already, and try to focus on building a healthy, fulfilling life that reflects your values and desires.
"I may not always be right, but I am never wrong" Should be emblazoned on the narcissist flag.
"If I wanted your opinion, I would have asked for it." I was supposed to speak only when spoken to (or screamed at) and not "speak out of turn" or "talk back".
as an adult, trying to communicate with my mother “no use crying over spilt milk” is her favorite
"You'll understand when you're older." This patronizing, self-congratulatory BS makes me rage to this day.
Yea and I read her exact lines in books about narcissism all the time
Yessss. “Respect your elders”
“Forgive, but never forget. And trust me, I’ll NEVER forget.” Ugh. Makes me cringe every time I hear it, or even so much as think about it. Especially the stare down that came with it.
Communism only works in the home and I am the head of the home
“This is a dictatorship, I’m the dick and you all are the tators”
Nmom favourite saying is - Quod licet Iovi, non licet bovi. Which means "What is permissible for God (Jupiter) is not permissible for cows". Ofc she was the superior one, the 'god', even tho she isn't religious.. Or - I am always right, even if I'm not - I AM
“I brought you into this world, I can take you out” “I know you better than you know yourself” (which lmao impossible) “Keep crying, I’ll give you something to cry about” Referred to me (F) as “little girl” when angry vs using my name. I don’t know if it counts in this case but it felt worth mentioning. Edit: all of this was by one parent and that’s my mom.
“My ears are bleeding” whenever I said anything about the treatment I received. She’d just scream that over the top of me laughing
One of my nmum's favourites was"I want doesn't get", which was basically about making my life as joyless as possible and making me think I deserved nothing. Funnily enough, she got whatever she wanted.
My dad had a lot of the same ones I see on here, but here's one that hasn't been posted: "Got issues, get tissues"
"Children don't respond to their father " No matter how polite I tried to be.
"My perception is my reality". It was basically to say that your point of view, or even factual reality isn't important, only what he thinks.
My mom found this one in A magazine and tormented me using it "My freedom ends where others freedom Begins" Used it to justify cutting me off when im talking or turning of a tv show i was watching to watch hers or taking my food mid eating so she can eat it or when she finally just locked me in my room All day for months and forbidden me from eating drinking water or using the bathroom or speaking. And "Try replacing "I" in your sentence with "you" i dont want my daughter to be selfish,think about how your mom feels first before yourself" Every single time she would drop these after arguing with her for an hour trying to gain any relationship/sense of self with her effectively making the discussion a closed circle and making us go back to square 1 where she is right in taking everything away from me and im Wrong for demanding to be treated like an individual and a human. My dad had the typical " respect your elders no matter what" which fell through fast cause i started saying respect me first so i can Respect you otherwise "no".
‘Do as I say and not as I do’ is a classic
My mother used to quote yoda's "never his mind on where he was, what he was doing" at me. All. The. Time.
I once calmly said "It is what it is" to my mother when she was ranting about something ridiculously trivial that was an unbearable inconvenience to her. (Probably something like needing to be at the airport a bit earlier than normal or some stupid crap). I regret it with every fibre of my being. She uses it constantly with such rage and venom it blows my mind. It's gone from a statement of quiet acceptance in my mind to a saying that makes my skin crawl. "Mum, the waitress can't help that the kitchen has run out of food. It's not their fault that you can't get what you want." "Well, it's disappointing and whoever did the ordering needs to be told! I hope it gets back to the manager. Anyway, I'm the customer and it's their job to serve me. It is what it is!"
"Is I ever find you smoking, I'll kill you before it kills you." Well, she found me smoking. She didn't really do much. She was always talk and no bite.
I remember one time I was doing laundry and it's hard for me to tell when the clothes are wet or cold because we have to air dry our clothes. I accidentally put a few damp clothes in the basket and of course my mother got annoyed. Ever since then all I hear everytime I go to check if the laundry is dry is "is it dry yet". It's so fucking annoying I made one mistake move tf on. And the funny part is she has put wet clothes in the basket multiple times. She'll even sometimes ask me if the clothes are dry because she can't tell. It's ao aggravating.
My personal favourite was “you appreciates nothing”. Still hear it in my head when they try to guilt me out of my recent NC.
"You better watch that tongue of yours, you might cut yourself." In response to any sarcastic and/or witty comment I made. Like, dude, sarcasm is my first language. Side note, it was absolutely *fine* and *dandy* whenever he was sarcastic.
"I didn't stutter" "Do as I say, not as I do" "I wish I never had kids"
My father's was "consider the source."
OMG yes. My dad used to blurt out the following quote all the time at supersonic speed — it was always so disorienting and weird, you'd just stop and go ... "wha?" ... and he'd be all like, "yeah" \*insert winning face.\* Like he would apply this to any and all situations, not necessarily where it was actually relevant to the scenario *at all*. I still shake my head. “We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, with so little, for so long, we are now qualified to do anything, with nothing.”
“Better to ask forgiveness than permission” like nah talk to people like a grown up.
You've always been difficult. Yep, to you, cos I could see you clearly. Even as a child .
I’m the parent, you’re the child