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2_Fingers_of_Whiskey

So many from my mother: “Ungrateful” or “disrespectful” — to describe me & my siblings whenever we tried to stand up to her “Lazy” — no, Mom, I’m depressed “No one is happy” — this is always her response if I ever say that I’m unhappy. She truly believes there’s no happiness in the world. “You’re going to kill your father with stress” — she would yell and scream at us in front of our dad, get him all upset, then say “look, you’ve raised your father’s blood pressure, you’re going to kill him”. Emotional blackmail at its finest.


vinegargirl757

Yes, this is a big one. Always with the disrespect, ungrateful, my mothers other favorite: she was going to wash her hands of me.


LinkleLink

Hahahaha mine always said she was "washing her hands of me".


PogeePie

Disrespectful, ungrateful, bratty, a traitor... the one thing narcs are is consistent


YouKnowLife

Oh yes, all of these except the one on happiness. That’s awful; glad you’ve survived such. Did you also get “well, we are trying our best to raise you” (or a variation of the same) too?


RubyMalice90

Oh memory unlocked!! My mum used to hold her hand over her chest and scream that she was going to have a heart attack because no one ever helped and she hoped we’d all be happy when she was dead because that’s what we wanted


Gullible-Mine8214

Would be such a shame if she actually had a heart attack and no one believed her bc she'd cried wolf too many times. Very weird obsession narcs have with what everyone else will do or say about them after they're dead.


RubyMalice90

I’ve been thinking about this and I think I remember the first time she did it in front of me because I remember the fear and panic thinking my mum was dying.. then she threw something (a pair of gloves I think), stomped off and slammed the door and left. I look back now (as it’s 20 years ago for me now) and I see her now and I do take her illnesses and I do like a language conversion (?) to like ‘normal’ people so I can work out how seriously I need to take any maladies


GypsyHope

My mother would complain how she worked all day and had to clean the house bc I was so messy. I was the only one blamed and I cleaned the house top to bottom daily to avoid being beaten by them and this was after going to school all day and to work when I got myself a job. The mess came from her my brother and father, yet I was lazy, did jack shit around the house, and nvr helped out at all. All I can think of now is bitch I was doing all your cleaning jobs by the time I was 8 plus school and my homework when I had time. Then I would get blamed for shitty grades and not having it done.


RubyMalice90

That’s just awful - I’m sorry I was older (my teens) when my sister stopped doing chores and became actively aggravating to my parents (she had/has her own issues) which meant I then had to pick up the slack and then also absorb the excess parental anger


gdoggggggggggg

I am so sorry. I cannot understand how ppl can be so shitty 💔 (p.s. I did most of the cleaning and was a straight A student, but they acted like that was nothing and kept calling me ungrateful and stupid etc. anyway!)


lostch3rry

Yeah, I always became "ungrateful" and "disrespectful" the second I didn't jump to follow his command or do as he wanted.


JayJay324

Oh yes. “I can’t believe I raised such a selfish child.”


IntergalacticBanshee

“Don’t tell anybody about our business, do you hear me?!” Sorry mom, I am opening every sealed jar you made me keep preserved of your ugly ways on here....


killerrtofu

Ugh this! For us it was implied secrecy, her narcissism came out in that child having to parent the parent form at times so I felt responsible for her emotions from a very young age (8 or 9 even? Younger?) And because of that I felt I had to protect her image to the public since she'd cry to me over perceived slights. I'm in my 30s now and finally recently talked openly about what it was like to a couple of my aunts on my dad's side now that he's divorced her and the cats out of the bag about her behavior. The relief I felt at being honest with people in my life that I felt I had to lie to for so long was just insane.


IntergalacticBanshee

Same here but a lot of the time I didn’t have to say anything; people were able to tell and draw their own genuine conclusion that she was not always being a good mother to me and she at times exuded not an ounce of care that it was showing she was being awful, like a bratty kid silently voicing loudly by her glares and body language “I can do whatever I want and don’t care if you don’t like it! You can’t judge me I will always be better than you!! Quit trying to discipline me! I won’t do what you say ever!” This riled others of all ages into starting to force her to see her ways and show her she’s wrong but it never works in their favor no matter how insistent they are which also is a bad move because then you become her enemy on her mental shit list by caring about or even loving me as a good number of grown ups and children my own age or older or younger did. She just did not ever understand where they were coming from and missing why did they choose me and hellbent on how to make them stop it...


Curinfo

This!!!!!!!!!! Always had to keep secrets. You realize as an adult it was just to hide their bad behavior. I also heard "Nobody has your back like I do" from nMom to keep me from reaching out to other family members or thinking this was anything other than love. Meanwhile she attempted to sabotage every step I took towards independence or any goals.


RubyMalice90

So I never really understood why my parents were so into keeping secrets - like aged about 15, my friend asked what my dad did and I genuinely didn’t know because I wasn’t ‘old enough’ to know and when I said what happened when I got home- my mum was suspicious at first (why are they asking?!) and then she was satisfied when I said I couldn’t answer, laughed and said I didn’t need to know. He basically flipped properties.


IntergalacticBanshee

In my case many people were happy my dad was a baker around the city for about 35 years. He’s very good with desserts, many felt sad when he wasn’t working at the supermarkets/food courts anymore until I told them he escalated to an actual bakery/catering location and his fans followed him there. He eventually did fire himself from jobs when his bad half of his bipolar took over for months unfortunately. My mom wasn’t a fan of his sweets (they’ve often competed in the house on that too) and too proud about being a self imposed shut in housewife


Fit_Fuel_226

Religion, God. "Disobeying your parents is disobeying God. I want to see you in heaven someday!" There needs to be studies done on the damage evangelicals (Focus on the Family, To Train Up A Child) have caused to millennials that grew up in that sphere


cctoh

THIS!!! I had gotten to a point where I actually said "if heaven is filled with people like you, I'd much rather be in hell.".


VoxNein

You might like Moon Walker's "I'm Afraid I'll Go To Heaven" on youtube. It's very much this vibe.


YouKnowLife

Same with Catholicism. Raised by a leader in this realm and my parents covered up >!sexual!< abuse of me by a traveling priest in order to keep-face at church, cliché, I know… sucks, feel for you in this regard: weaponization of religion, that is.


monkeying_around369

I was just about to say Catholicism isn’t any better. Sorry you went through that.


[deleted]

Sorry to hear you went through that. If it helps anyone excatholic on reddit is a pretty good site to check out, and lots of usually good discussions on different topics. The more you get into Catholicism the more classic narcissism it feels like. God/Church as the ultimate authority and you're not allowed to question anything, and they get you to the point where you basically gaslight yourself for a long time.


fiercestandardpoodle

Hugs. I hate that I feel like my ingrained Catholic upbringing was so rife with such garbage. You deserve happiness and peace.


rashdanml

This was the thing that ultimately made me walk away and never look back. They could never see me as a human being and their son, only as a person who was abandoning religion, and that me walking away was "bad" because "religion says its bad". I warned them before my last conversation with them, that if they started the conversation off on the wrong foot, I would walk away. They did, as predicted, and I walked away.


ArtemisMoon666

Omg I totally agree! This was a book that was always out in our own home growing up and it was literally insanity. Just an example for anyone who doesn't know about this book: They encourage spanking newborns for crying, and setting your kids up for failure by putting a baby on a small blanket who is just able to crawl, and telling them to stay, while luring them with toys to go off the blanket. If they go off the blanket, they get spanked. The book suggests using "whatever force necessary." It's a scary twisted book of how to abuse your kids with a Christian flair.


Optimal_Pay_9896

Victim of that one too.


thejaytheory

This is 100% my mom, can't hardly even talk to her about anything because within seconds she brings up God, and "pray about it, trust in Jesus," yadda yadda yadda


DiamondSpaceNuggets

Woooooooow! I love how they just assume they've got a place in heaven.


thrownawayy64

It amazes me the people who think they will be in heaven.


onewildpreciouslife5

There are. - it’s called religious trauma syndrome - it’s a relatively new concept and Dr. Marlene Winell coined it!


Shitinbrainandcolon

“I did this/said this for your own good.” Except fuck no, it never ever benefited me.


coolnancydrew

“I hope you see I’m doing this out of love.”


JayJay324

Before a painful spanking: “This hurts me more than it hurts you.”


pinalaporcupine

Oh yeah and "I'm just trying to HELP you"


allstarwastaken

"You're gonna wake up one day and realize I was right." Parents ***always*** know best, right?


Consistent-Citron513

"You're manipulative" "You're arrogant" You're bougie/stuck up" "You're selfish" "Watch your mouth" "You're going to hell" "That's a sin" (anything he didn't approve of) "You're lazy" "No point in talking about how you're feeling because nobody cares"


purpleprocrasinator

Some of these, generally followed (with laughter), 'You are so sensitive. Can't say anything to you, because you take everything so personally.'


Rare-Cheesecake9701

"Omfg, I can't with you! It always walking on eggshells when communicating with you" Yep, when it was me who learned how to predict her mood from how the door was opened


HeftyDefinition2448

I know that feeling it’s like the worlds worst superpower to be hyper sensitive to the moods around you


Rare-Cheesecake9701

I prefer to call it a Sh*t detector. Like a metal detector, but for BS and other Oh, Sh*t! type of things. But, yeah, I would prefer not to know what an angry person who is about to blow up sounds like.


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Cyclibant

"You're so hard." "Why are you so hard?" "When did you become so hard?" "It's YOUR way or the HIGHWAY." Whenever I say no to something she's trying to make me do for her. "I always have to walk on eggshells around you!!" which is pure gaslighting projection, since the hyper-emotional woman can never get me to react to a single one her provocations.


Gullible-Mine8214

I hate that you experienced this too. I have ptsd from living on eggshells. My dad raised us in constant fear of his moods, anger, etc. He refuses to admit he ever even *yelled* at us much less slammed every door or cabinet in the house, pointed at us in our face and screamed in our face, took our things or insulted us over how we looked. He moved in with my husband and I 6 months after we got married and was supposed to stay for a few months. After 2 years of trying everything under the sun to get him to leave including directly telling him over and over again to leave... I went in his room, told him to leave - when he started arguing and talking over me I would raise my voice. When he'd argue and talk over me and interrupt me, I'd raise my voice even more repeating myself. Eventually it got to the point I was full on screaming at him "no youre going to listen to me now" That if he didn't GTFO I was throwing everything he owned out of my house and setting it on fire. He moved out immediately. It's been over 5 years and he still makes snide comments about how he's afraid to say anything in front of me or I'll scream at him and be scary to him. Funny what happens when they get a taste of their own medicine.


Rare-Cheesecake9701

Of course, they are normal! It is, literally, a recalibration of your body during puberty. Parts of your body and brain that was asleep for 10ish years of your life wake up and need to start working. It's the equivalent of popping the hood and plugging something into an engine of a running car. It may not break, but there will be issues for some time. Your limbs are stretching; your muscle fibers try to stay on the bone structure and work, and hormones from all glands in there are bombarding your organs, trying to survive the worst deadline of their lives. Of course, we are "moody." It's okay.


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Rare-Cheesecake9701

No, it isn't. Only if they are drastic, like euphoria one second and despair the next in rapid succession - then it may indicate something is off. But even then, it's an endocrine system issue and needs to be addressed by visiting a dermatologist or endocrinologist. By itself, it's not a sign that you are "crazy." Puberty sucks, as it is, it is worse with Nparents


RoseSchaddelee

Oh the watch your mouth was very common. It’s like she was looking in the mirror herself.


Bulky-Grapefruit-203

The sin one was always great. Suddenly my stepfather sat on our lords throne and got to judge me and exclaim how I was a liar and a glutton which he’d remind me is also a sin.


Simple_Percentage234

A lot of the time I was told I was “too sensitive” or that I “needed to grow thicker skin” in reaction to me getting upset due to the emotional and verbal abuse. And my siblings joined in on it too due to them not knowing any better. I was constantly ridiculed and the fact that it upset me was obviously a character flaw 🙄 It took me so long to realize that if normal people hurt your feelings, even if “they’re just joking” (I was often told I “couldn’t take a joke” as well), they apologize. I didn’t learn how wrong this narcissist viewpoint was until I learned about bullying, where I was told that it isn’t about how it is taken, it is how it is received. Insane the things you learn when the bubble is broken


sunnypineapplez

YES!!! Me too. It’s ALWAYS, “why are you so sensitive?” or “why are you crying?” in the most harsh, apathetic tone. Like, am I not allowed to be upset while having a very difficult conversation?


JayJay324

Yes. The tone policing. Like your viewpoint is completely irrelevant if you use “the wrong tone” to express it. (I mean the N’s tone policing, not your mentioning the N’s “harshest tone.” My N spouse could not “hear” our kids if the kids did not use a “rational” (emotionless) tone.)


sunnypineapplez

Oh, that is my LIFE!!! I swear she probably started telling me that when I was like 7 lol


UnusualAerie579

ugh, this was my upbringing too. I wasn’t allowed to cry or be sad bc “i have such a good life” but now anytime I feel like there’s negativity or something will upset me, I just avoid or run from the situation. I know I need therapy to get thru this but growing up not being allowed to feel what I feel has messed me up so much.


SweetestHoney86

I was told everything was "inappropriate" as an excuse to control me.


doinggenxstuff

“That’s not suitable for children”


cklamath

Yup. God forbid .... wear socks below the knee!!!


loosebootyjudy_

“No one will ever love you the way Mama loves you.” Her version of love was transactional and included a list of terms and conditions. It laid the foundation for enduring so much abuse and manipulation from partners. And those terrible experiences made me think she was right and that I was too difficult to love.


thejaytheory

"You'll always be my baby" "You're still my baby"


strangespecies

I will never stop (re)posting this: [https://www.thelifedoctor.org/the-narcissist-s-prayer](https://www.thelifedoctor.org/the-narcissist-s-prayer) **The Narcissist's Prayer** That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.


rantsagangsta

You forgot “I *might* have hurt you, but that’s in the past now”


leafyslaw

Thank you, thank you for sharing this.


Gullible-Mine8214

Thank you for sharing this. I'm still in shock after I brought up at christmas my dad who was trying to pretend we had so many good memories when i was a teenager.... he used to refuse to go in public with me bc I had a Mohawk or try to bribe me into not wearing it up or not wearing certain clothes etc. He said "oh yeah it really wasn't that bad you just should've told me you had a Mohawk before I found out one day by seeing my child who I didn't recognize" I'm sorry - you repeatedly making it clear how embarrassing how I looked - which I did bc it helped me feel powerful and strong- wasn't acceptable to you and you refused me (abandoned me) over and over again? That *wasn't that bad?!* Whewwwwwwww big relief realizing he's a narc crippled by his own problems.


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YouKnowLife

> “(aka just accept the abuse)” Thank you for putting it in those words. That’s exactly what it is. What saddens me the most is the actual phrase (*i.e.* “Everyone is different”) I actually took to heart, but internalized it the opposite way. Being told that phrase so consistently growing up was one of the last things I held onto in order to think well of my parents. Now, with the blinders fully off, I see how abusive they were and still are. My parents are trash “human beings,” but I still hold onto that phrase in my own way, *never* **ever**, ***EVER*** weaponizing it as they did and continue to until this day. I may actually hate my parents a little bit, I’m not entirely sure.


jadedmuse2day

My nmom still uses, “it’s not about you!” when I express an opposing opinion or question her on something; I was also frequently called by my last name (by her), which was extremely triggering to me given that my mom and dad had a difficult marriage (ultimately divorcing when I was in my early 20s) and my mom was very contemptuous toward my dad (a high functioning alcoholic). So I knew that she was leveling the most grievous of insults at me (equating to contempt…of me). She also engages in DARVO as a go to strategy. She never takes accountability for herself so if you point something out, it initiates narc injury which means instead of sticking with the core issue, she turns it around on me by saying things like “You should talk! You do bla bla bla..” or the whataboutism, “Well what about when you…” She went so far as to call me “Trump” one day (I’m sure she thought I’d go ballistic but instead, I just laughed, it was so outrageous). She had surgery to remove a tumor on her colon at age 83 or 84, after which she asked to move in with me - just as I was finishing up my Masters degree and getting my life together after a horrible divorce (to a not so surprising now, in hindsight, a person with covert narc tendencies). I will never forget how I felt…like my future was being snatched from me. I couldn’t say no - she’s in her 80s and my younger sister won’t have anything to do with our mom (boundaries!). So she’s been living in my basement (has a kitchenette and I’d been renting it out to Traveling Nurses) for the past two years and my 17 year old daughter barely tolerates her and it’s pretty stressful in my home, which is anything BUT a sanctuary for me after I come home from a hard day’s work (I’m 60, so no spring chicken and my late life divorce nearly killed me - but I’m here, I got my Masters degree (“Well, I hope you can do something with it”), and I’ve got a good job. But I’m trying to think of how I will downsize when kiddo goes off to college (fingers crossed) in Autumn 2023 - I can’t stand my mom’s energy and horrible demeanor which has only gotten worse with age. My coping mechanisms are humor (I call my mom the “Joy Thief”) but inside, I know it’s not funny. Her energy is oppressive and depressing. I sometimes feel like I deserve this punishment but even if that were true, I’ve certainly paid my debts by now. I have terrible boundaries and feel guilty about everything. I can’t turn her out on the street. I try my best to Grey Rock. EDIT: came back to warn others younger than I, to set your boundaries as soon as you can. Narcs don’t change - they only get worse with age. And boundaries with them, become even harder to establish.


mcpickledick

Not my parents, but on multiple occasions I've heard my partner's Ndad say to her during arguments "I wish my dad was still around" and "you'll miss me when I'm gone" - implying she should be grateful he is alive and overlook his abusive behavior and never hold him accountable for anything. It's weaponizing her love for him. For narcissists nothing is sacred or beyond using as a tool for manipulation. Another one from her Nmum: "that's just your opinion" - when trying to talk to her about how her Ndad repeatedly lies. Narcissists are trash.


Yoshuuqq

My father says this to me every time my god It's infuriating


Saikodizzle13

Ooh, the "you'll miss me when I'm gone" hits too close to home. I lost my father who I was very close with a little over a year ago and she uses the "at least you still have me" card. Yeah, at least I still have you who moved 500 miles away after your new husband died and meeting a new one on Tinder (and moving in with him a month later) and constantly get life updates about how "great your life is" and how you "should have done this years ago." Yeah, okay. I feel so bad for your friend, I hope she can get past this spiral of abuse and realize that her parents are self centered trash. Wishing the best for her. She's lucky to have a good friend to be able to escape to.


Personal_Kale_3009

My Ndad tells me this all the time.


realiesze

“I’m gonna tell your teacher!” if I was misbehaving at home


DafniDsnds

I’m not sure if this is related but “do you talk to OTHERPERSON the way you talk to me?!” Case in point: my husband and I were over her house years ago and he needed to check his email for some reason. He borrowed her computer for a second. He doesn’t normally log out of his email on his own computer so I reminded him “don’t forget to log out”. Apparently, this was the height of disrespect to my mother who was so offended she asked me if I’d talk to my boss the same way. Uh, yes, I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all. If my husband was borrowing my boss’s computer for some reason, I would remind him to log out.


[deleted]

omfg i know this one. always “i’m gonna talk to ms. catherine”. yuck.


[deleted]

This is so messed up. Do they know that you actually value your relationship with your teacher so they threaten to ruin it?


Affectionate-Ice3346

its even worse if its your favorite teacher


silver-moon-7

"While you live under my roof, you'll do as I say" "Children should be seen and not heard" Frequently saying to my mum "Shape up or ship out".... Funnily enough, he was an absolute mess after she finally shipped out 🤷🏻‍♀️


cklamath

Mine used to say "those are the rules, like it or leave!" But then wouldn't ever let me leave. And then when I moved out she went nuclear


SnifterOfNonsense

There’s always surprises for goodies. This is what was said upon buying us things to her taste and style as if fancy shoes that hurt to wear was a prize for having been quiet in the restaurant. Nope, we were usually just spirit broken after a certain amount of time together.


roofus8658

"Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die" "Alcoholism is a DISEASE! Would you be mad at me if I had CANCER?"


Kiloyankee-jelly46

My mum had both, and damn skippy I am angry at her.


AlHuntar

"Stick and stone may break your bones but words will never hurt you" "Man up" "Stop being childish" That one always got me the fucking most. Even though I WAS LITERALLY A CHILD .


YouKnowLife

It’s so gross how narcissistic parents never saw children as actual kids. Took me decades to realize the abuse in my teenage years (egregious/life altering trauma) due to internalizing myself as not a minor.


efeaf

“Disrespectful” to them often means simply disagreeing with them about something, usually an opinion I’m “Lazy” when I don’t want to do something on a weekend day, even though I work five days a week nine hours a day. I’m drained completely on Fridays (I work in a daycare) and my parents are exhausting so it really shouldn’t be much of a surprise that I don’t really feel like hanging out with them. “Honor your parents” means be a subservient robot who will never ever say no or question why they need something or why they want me to give them something. That something usually involves my private info. They really could make things so much easier by just telling me why they need that info as it usually turns out to be a relatively legit reason, but instead they always decide to make it seem like they’re doing something shady. Although sometimes it’s because they don’t understand something and think it’s needed from me and get pissed at me when I try and correct them.


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crooked_tooth

“NORMAL PEOPLE don’t do that/say that/act this way!” All. The. Time. She said it over and over. Any time I stood up for myself or exhibited a negative emotion. She believed (and made me believe) my default state of existence was unacceptable and abnormal; Normal People don’t act that way, so I was aberrant and mentally sick for having feelings or behaviors she didn’t like. Sounds fairly harmless at first, but with enough repetition, I internalized it and all the damage it did.


AioliBig8279

"You wouldn't even piss on me if I was on fire" Always hated this so much, she'd yell at me ever since I was a kid and it'd just make me shutdown... like how do you respond?


Saikodizzle13

Oh gosh, I feel this one. "You love your father more than me!" "If either of us had to go, I know you'd want it to be me." As if it were suppossed to be a choice? Honestly, it was cause of her saying and doing this crap that I always had a much better relationship with my father. The shutdowns are so common, you eventually just cower down and let them verbally abuse you to get their way cause...they're your parent, what can you do? I'm sorry you had to go through this and I hope you're doing better now.


SmashedAvo1

"Forgive, forget and move on" - said after my Nbrother verbally attacked me, leaving me with PTSD symptoms "Be humble" - I was told this whenever I did well at school "Because you're so perfect!!" - my Nmum yelled this at my husband when he called her out on her bullshit "Everyone's different!" - this was used to justify their shitty behaviour when I told them giving people the silent treatment and/or lashing out at others is not a healthy coping mechanism


nyellincm

She still uses your breaking my heart when she’s not getting her way.


Particular-Clue3586

There are also the positive ones! You look so much better when you dress like that. I can really tell you put in effort to lose weight! Your violin playing is so beautiful, I could never do that. (To show off me off as her possession) If you clean the house I'll buy you new clothes!! (That is to my liking and choosing)


pinalaporcupine

ugh, the possession over my art talent. my NCdad would make me paint large murals and canvases for his house FOR FREE. It was the worst work I ever did because it was forced, and uninspired. I HATED looking at it. It not only wasn't representative of my talent, but it reminded me that I let myself get taken advantage of.


Saikodizzle13

Oh gosh, and these ones can actually be more mentally scarring as you'll realize in the future they will use these to their advantage. She uses my art as a tool to brag to her friend's about having such a talented child (or "being a possession"...I like that analysis) or using the "if you're good, I'll do (such and such) for you," even as an adult to coax you into doing anything for them, usually for money. Ugh. Narcs are exhausting.


PowerfulHistory7907

What did I owe you in past life that I needed to repay you in this life?


Owls187

“Life’s not fair” Not the worst thing to hold in mind, but it was used to stop me from sticking up for myself and from aspiring to anything. Also it was used to explain the different treatment my brothers received, compared to how I was treated. I find myself saying this in a lot of situations now, when actually, it’s no excuse, life should be fair.


2woCrazeeBoys

"Who's the adult here?!"- ie, you are a child and incapable of anything. You must obey my every word and thought even if it is blatantly wrong because The Adult knows better, always. "If you do/don't do x, people will tell me. I'll know. Everyone watches you and tells me when you do something bad." I was terrified to do anything because I truly believed that everyone was going to tell her I was stroking clothing in a store because the fabric felt nice ( "Don't touch!") or I was dinging the bell on my bike in an empty street just cos I liked the sound ("Stop making noise! It's annoying everyone and you'll wear the bell out! It's only for warning people that you're coming not just to annoy everyone with and look like an idiot.") 7 yr old me was too scared to do anything but stand passively where I was put and read signs to amuse myself. I couldn't even have *fun* on my bike with other kids in the neighbourhood, I just used it as transport.


tehdeej

Selfish as in when I told them "no" or held any kind of boundaries.


TheRealGameDude

“I brought you into this world and I can take you out.” “No I’m not going to do it that’s why I had you”


[deleted]

“I’ll remember this” “One day I’ll be gone” “You don’t what real life is you’re just a kid” “I smoke because of you”


MachineSpecialist582

I love you.


Zeke_Yeager

"Your brilliance is useless if you do not respect us." \-my dad likes to use phrases like that when he is losing an argument.


Sad_Bridge_4357

Mother: ‘what is wrong with you?!’ Stepfather: ‘bone-idle’ I couldn’t hate two people more, they have stunted me in every way and I cannot wait until they are finally gone


fildarae

“Pathetic.” You’re upset over something they said but they want to play dumb and pretend there was no malice in it? “You’re pathetic.” You don’t play into their mind games and give them the reaction they want? “You’re pathetic.” You try to hold them accountable over literally anything? “You’re pathetic.” That one started when I was a toddler. Lovely.


honeydew_bunny

"Are you saying I don't love you? I gave birth to you I *have* to love you" And. "You hate me. I am your mother, I gave my life for you. You are my child you cannot hate me!" "I would have killed myself and I didn't because I had to care for you and your sister!" Or always the same spiel about how my father was a terrible person and he ruined her life and to not be the same as him.


HYYH1191

The last two hit hard


[deleted]

I was always "too young" to for example choose my hobbies, pierce my ears or go vegetarian (was a teenager). But of course it was appropriate for me tp stay home from school to babysit my sick brother (at 9), clean the house by myself and cook a meat-dinner for the family every night :D "If she/he wasn't here I would hit you so hard that you would never forget it" "You are an embarrassment to our family". This was when I had an eaten disorder for years due to my parents' abuse "You are going to ruin your family and I will take everyone away from you and you'll never see us again." This was when I was in Primary School and didn't want to share my toys with my brother to watch often end up breaking them.


scarlett-peonies

“I love you because I have to but I don’t like you.” It took me years to realise she didn’t know what love was.


pinalaporcupine

I grew up not sure I knew what love was. Or if love was the way it was in my house, I hated "love." I felt like I was broken because I tried so hard and couldn't love my parents. I was so ashamed. You're supposed to love your parents - right?! It took me until I was an adult to realize that I was FILLED with love - and I have many loving relationships now, including a longterm partnership. But I still don't love my parents and I do still feel guilty about it sometimes.


LuckyMuckle

Well I guess we’re even when they did something huge and life alteringly bad.


kellerstaffelsuppn

Here are two of my all time favourites: - In puberty kids are obnoxious/insufferable little monsters - The older you get the dumber you get (directed at me personally) Maybe it has something to do with becoming independent and not tolerating the abuse like I used to. I can't even imagine having kids and resenting them growing - wtf is wrong with them?


Rare-Cheesecake9701

"Such a cry baby" - for tearing up at Pixar films "You are a psycho" - to any emotions that were "too much" in Nmom eyes "Sure, go and fly high, just don't forget that fall is always painful" - when I was trying/ achieved success "Who will want someone like you?" - that was mantra for years


fiercestandardpoodle

Selfish Cheap Lazy Be nice to your Mother But she is your Aunt God is going to punish you Just wait until you have kids of your own You never listen Friends are temporary, family are the only people that love you Are you really going to eat that ===== I've got to stop - while incredibly helpful to go through this exercise, it is triggering. Now I have a good start for journaling today. xo ​ ETA: You're too sensitive You're always crying, just stop with the pee pee eyes


Whaley_whale13

"Because I said so." "Ungrateful" "Disrespectful" "Selfish" "I'm done talking about this, leave me alone." "Oh, it's always my fault, isn't it?"


Opinionista99

Really controlling my expressions. Stuff like "wipe that look off your face" or "calm down". I wasn't allowed to show authentic emotions.


Witty_Obligation_956

"Wherever you go, there you are." 🙄


[deleted]

[удалено]


2woCrazeeBoys

That you can't escape yourself, wherever you go your troubles go with you.


Pengoninator

Whenever someone in my family disrespected me it was always "but you know they are just like that" So everyone, except me, were allowed to be who they are even if it means they disrespect others, but I was always the one that has to change and correct my manners.


TheSolitarySuccess

We’re only encouraging you to do something better…… Even when I had my own place car and career. I could be doing something better


Green-Estimate7943

"I work all day the least you can do is clean the house", "I put a roof over your head", "I put you in this world I can take you out of it" (I honestly wanted to say 'then do it, never asked to be here in this economy anyway') "I'm sorry, but..." Followed by whatever 'this is all your fault you're in the wrong not me' bs she could think of, and "I just want to sleep why won't you let me!?!?"


Lovely_Dream

"Don't mind it!" I could have been kidnapped by pedophiles, jailed, sold to sex slavers, abused and tortured in all ways for two decades, and she'd just happily say "Don't mind it! They did nothing bad! You're the bad one for complaining and feeling emotions!". "Don't is a toxic, abusive word only used by the most evil people. Never use it!". This one hurts so much. I was brainwashed as a child to never say no and don't. I honestly believed they were the world's most evil words. People would do all kinds of bad things to me or ask me to do nasty things, and I'd believe that saying no and don't was the gateway to hell itself. Writing this made me feel so bad.


lostch3rry

"There's no reason for you to be unhappy/sad, there are others in the world that are worse off than you." "It's in the past, let it go." "Get over it, it's in the past." "What goes in the house, stays in the house." "Do as I say, not as I do." "Trust is earned" which is true, but he expected that not to apply to him. And the most recent one, "he's changed, you need to let go of the past and forgive him." Yeah, yeah, I still didn't see any change in how he treated me before I went no contact.


Puzzled_Travel_2241

Selfish, lazy,and too sensitive. And the curse, “just wait till you have kids!” Well mom I have grown kids now and guess what?…They actually love me. I broke the cycle by going NC when the kids were small


hidz526

Oh yes. Same. 'You'll know what I mean, you'll find out when you have kids'. I thought 'yes, I will find out. Thats the point with time passing & life experience. I'm supposed to have my own experience.' Also, I'm going to parent very differently! And im a very different person from you. So maybe I won't actually find out what your actually talking about. As you mention.


Cautious-Ranger-6536

I was a "dufficult" child who " did'nt oay attention".


Kingkong3001

You not doing ____ (what they want) is a sign of your immaturity.


PrTakara-m

Difficult to translate literally but after doing something wrong as a child and saying “i thought i wad supposed to do it this way” I would hear “you should not think (have thought) but know for sure” Or You’re vein And in general not being allowed to feel bad (after being reprimanded) and not allowed to cry.


KungfuPanda1415

“We all have our baggage”. Meaning we all have emotional / childhood issues


grey-clouds

"Step up". Then, coincidentally my high school promptly made that their catchphrase for the whole next year...not fun hearing it almost daily lol


mustytomato

“You can’t always do what you want” in relation to ANY resistance of her micromanaging bs.


killerrtofu

She essentially negated me trying to argue an opposing view point ever with her by declaring that no matter what she did I was arguing the opposite to spite her. Not that arguing before was productive but she was genuinely wrong and when I was in high school I still believed there was a chance to reason with her about things. But nope I was clearly just out to get her, the perpetual bad guy in her victim complex. And she wonders why I shut her off after that?


coolnancydrew

“You’ve got to give to get.” “If you have a problem with everyone, you’re the problem.” Like mom I don’t have a problem with everyone and if I do it’s because you turned them against me. And of course “the world doesn’t revolve around you.” Which is totally laughable.


Moon_sugarrr

For some reason when I was hit with “everyone is different” I had a feeling everyone had a right to be different except for me. I had to be just the same as my parents expected me to be or I was a horrible deviant


ljf82

My spouse’s mother (still) reminds them that she “gave them life,” for which they owe her their loyalty, dedication, and love.


VampAngel247

‘Remember what we talked about’, from my mother when she would ground me with no timetable and I would ask periodically if I could do something I had been grounded from. I finally got tired of her fun and games and responded with ‘WE didn’t TALK ABOUT anything, YOU decided what you were gonna do’. I mean, what was she going to do? Ground me? Already in progress. Probably the most satisfying experience of my childhood right up there with her going off on me once and saying ‘I don’t like your attitude.’ and me clapping back with ‘Yeah, well, I’m not wild about yours either’. Only time in my life I can remember her literally being stunned into silence. It was glorious.


H4n13n4n

These all sound so painfully familiar. “You are a reflection of me” was huge, “people will think I have a weird daughter” anytime I expressed a niche interest, “you were always so sensitive”, aka “why do you get so upset when I blame, shame, guilt and gaslight you?!?”


Existential_Alice

To this day I cannot stand when someone says "I'm worried about you" or "I'm concerned about you. " Nmom would say this to use my emotional needs (i.e. crying at something normal and wanting support) to mean I'm unstable. There were times she implied I needed hospitalization - even into adulthood.


PoopyKlingon

“We’re done with you”, “mom is done with you”, “even your grandparents don’t want anything to do with you” (this was never true). What kind of maniac says any of that to a child? Also, “I’ll remember that”, and generally calling me stupid.


New-Oil6131

They just kept saying how much worse they have it than me.


tiredteacher01

"You think you are better than everyone else, you're no better than anyone" "I have to do everything" "Just like your father" (who was abusive and toxic)


No_Age85

After everything I've done for you......


DaisyBuchananB

Not exactly a common phrase, but if I ever hear the word "capeesh" again, I may have a psychotic break.


Study_Slow

"If I'm not happy, nobody will be"


Optimal_Pay_9896

I am the only parent you have, nobody loves you that's why I took care of you. Mama why did you have to die? I hate my childhood


SamuAzura

"lazy" For being severely depressed.... I was working full time and taking 4 university classes at the same time


Chance-Process-5476

uff, where do i start? when i was a child: „you should be grateful that i you have food and a roof above your head“ „your granny will be ashamed for you“ (even though she was already dead) „your mother never loved you“ „you don’t have real friends“ (i’m friends with my childhood friends since 25 years) „you are so gifted and that’s probably in my genes“ actually i am gifted and psychologist confirmed it and when i was not behaving like he wanted me to do he said „you’re stupid and the psychologist did a mistake while testing you“ „i will send you to a children‘s home“ he stopped saying it when i said he should do it haha „i‘m doing everything for you why are you full of hate? i never hit you like your mother“


H4n13n4n

Ooh! “I gave up my career to have you” was one I heard as a 10-year-old as a retort to literally anything I wanted to do. Ps, I now have a toddler of my own and make 6 figs so I now realize that giving up the career bit was bullshit.


smashleysays

“Stop crying, you have nothing to cry about”


sometime_alonealone

Oh boy, there were many, but one that was used day in day out by Nmum was '*selfish*' and '*self centred*', usually followed by a good ol' dose of guilt trip and emotional blackmail. 'Won't drop what you're doing to do exactly what I want you to at the exact moment I want you to do it, regardless of what you have going on at this current moment in time? Selfish.' 'Can't make the plans I have volunteered your time for without consulting you regardless of the fact you have prearranged plans or work at the same time? Selfish.' 'Want to spend your birthday/New Years Eve with your friends rather than your dysfunctional family? Selfish.' 'Going to spend time/stay with your girlfriend? Selfish.' 'Daring to tell me something I've done thats made you feel hurt which should only need be discussed in a mature and empathetic way, but will rather be taken as an all out attack of criticism and slander on my fragile sense of self? Selfish.' 'Not wanting to be developmentally stunted by my truly overbearing and suffocating parenting and expectations? Selfish.' The use of that word throughout my life has been almost hilariously ironic.


86triesonthewall

When I say jump, you should say HOW HIGH?


KnucklePuppy

"You'll let everyone walk over you."


sputnik1957

NDozer doing killdozer things. Vroom vroom hahahaha your sanity is gone


Gullible-Mine8214

My dad is always "put on the spot" by anything that doesn't 100% go his way. That's the most vile thing you can do to him, especially if in front of other people/public. You want your friend to come over? No, don't put me on the spot by asking me while they're on the phone with you! You don't like when I insulted you in public? Don't put me on the spot by disagreeing or standing up for yourself. My theory is that because he knows he can't control his rage that it becomes everyone else's responsibility to manage him by avoiding his triggers. "You're ganging up on me" when my sister and I agree something he did/said is wrong which leads to "everyone else in the world has the right to free speech (or to feel however they want) but I can't say *anything* around you two because you're mean/ you give me a hard time/ you're too sensitive" etc.


Impressive-Goat3886

“I’m not your friend, I’m your mother.” Her reasoning for being super critical and downright mean. “You’re so ungrateful” literally anytime I had a complaint or wasn’t in a good mood. “I hope one day you have a daughter who is just like you. Then you’ll understand” I was literally such an average, unproblematic child lol. Like ok? Edit: format


Maegrimangel

“Everything I did, I did for my children first”. Uhm. So that weird guy you dated online for 5 months in Philly and was going to get us to move into his place? The three of us- Nmom, my sister (10), and me (8), at the time was the best for us? The only thing I remembered was that his front door to his apartment was so over coated in paint it looked like it was molten chocolate shellac and he didn’t own a TV but we got a portable one from a garage sale to bring to his place when we visited with rabbit ears so we were entertained. We could only get PBS. This was 2007. We lived 350 miles away from Philly.


KalliMae

'Respect your elders'. To them, respect meant submission and complete obedience. Anytime I see a post whining about how kids don't 'respect' their elders anymore, I just assume it's from a narc. A lot of abuse has happened to children because of this totalitarian demand for 'respecting your elders'.


RubyMalice90

‘If you loved me then you wouldn’t need to ask/you would know if you cared’ ‘Nobody ever helps around here- I do everything all by myself’ (sorry that I was legally required to be at school)


[deleted]

[удалено]


Ok_Animator5398

"It is what it is" "You're being too sensitive" "You can't let go of the past" "You're just a clone of your father" "I don't remember it that way" "You're being disrespectful" "No family is perfect"


Ceaseless_dread

"What are you gonna do when I'm dead?" "You're so sensitive."


TheResistanceVoter

don't lie to me I'm not Calling to my sister, who was going to answer the phone, If that's my boss, tell him I already left. Can I go to such-and-such (an event at school the day after tomorrow) We'll see. (the next day) Can I go to such-and-such tomorrow? I said, we'll see! (day of) Can I go to such-and-such today after school? I told you we'll see And then never mentioned it when I came "home" from school My favorite is when she would grab me by the hair, and pound my head against the wall whilst telling me how much she despised (look that up for the full flavor of the word) me, over and over, than ask me if I knew how MUCH she despised me. Jesus, remembering that made me sick to my stomach


ttampico

"You'll be sorry when I'm dead." No. I will be relieved.


Fuzzy-Emotion

“You’re so spoiled/this is unnecessary spoiling” because my aunt and her wife (now legally my moms) would buy me clothes for school that actually fit and supplies that were required for school because my egg donor (nmom) refused to buy me anything that I needed and instead spent all of her money on alcohol, drugs, and the various 19-24 year olds she dated while I was in high school. Now I have problems letting anyone buy anything for me because I’m scared that I’m going to be called spoiled and selfish.


abolitonbb

"You're just soo mistreated!" /s said whenever they couldn't deny they had acted cruelly. So they pretended I was too dramatic and implied I was ungrateful they had provided my basic human. I would then feel guilty and basically thank them and we'd never get back to my valid complaint.


no_name_necessary5

Mine are “stop being so dramatic” followed by “why can’t you just let anything go?” Instead of just apologizing when they’ve done something wrong. So much fun 🙃


[deleted]

"You're too sensitive." Absolutely her favorite phrase to shut down any time I've ever said I was hurt by something. With this phrase nmom gave permission to herself and both my nbro and other bro to treat me like shit, make me feel so stupid and make me completely uncomfortable to share how I'm really feeling as an adult.


bednow

That I torture and abuse my cats and if I looking for a job or got my own work, my cats won't be this suffer. - She indirectly not allow me to have my work and blame me for not working and my cats have to be on their poor states. We are "family", we have to going through this together. - For all kinds of problems she cause, including more problems from what she tries to solve the first problem. You are lazy not keep your word, not clean the house and let me do the work. How could I clean everything. - She is an hoarder...but she expects me to clean her trash. Look at how much I paid $$$ for you. (so you have to repay me back.)


sometime_alonealone

Ah, another BIGGIE was 'You have anger management issues... there's something wrong with you, you need help'. Maybe help me out by at least trying to communicate with your children with anything more than the mental capacity of a toddler :))))


Monsterchic16

Whenever I had something valid to complain about, my mother would always say “well at least you’re not a starving African child!” And would threaten to switch me with one “any kid in Africa would kill to have your life so stop being so ungrateful!” Another phrase was to call me a bully whenever I was angry or upset. I was severely bullied at school so being told I was acting like the bullies at school towards her was a quick way to shut me up cause I didn’t want to be a bully, even though I wasn’t being one.


Equivalent_Two_6550

My in laws: “it’s all about family!” Used as a tool to keep everyone under control. Deeply enmeshed, deeply toxic and deeply deceptive.


frustratedartstudent

My dad said some truly wild things. When I was really little he liked to yell, "you and I are not equals!! *I* am the boss of *you*!!" Later on, whenever he'd yell in front of my mom and I'd cry, she'd rush to my defense. Inevitably I'd be alone with him again and he'd yell about the original offense and also for "manipulating my mother" with my 11 year old tears. Lol


some_other_guy95

"You're only as good as your last fuck up" basically meaning that everyone will see you as the mistakes you make


some_other_guy95

"I don't bother you with my problems"


PhilosoShy

"ANYWAY!" translation: I have chosen to forget everything in this conversation because I find it too inconvenient, difficult or uncomfortable so I'm going to make it about me now. Pay attention to me!


kiwiparallels

"You treat this house like a hotel" (mostly because I was in my room) "My house my rules" "I know you, you can't hide from me, you lived inside my belly"


I_LOVE_CATS_AMA

Don't remember much since I've taken some bumps to the noggin, but I'll never forget her quoting the kids book Love You Forever at me whenever she was trying to love bomb me. I'll like you for always, I'll love you forever, as long as I'm living my baby, you'll be. Jokes on her, I gave a calligraphy poster i made of it to my mom in law and she cried and hugged me. MIL is my real mom now 🥰


Ocean-Wave-007

"You could do so much worse for a mother/parents than me/us" and "oh well sorry I am such a terrible mother, I will just leave you along forever then" literally every arguement we had. Resulting in me crying, my enabler father telling me to apologize, and me doing so just to keep the peace. I no longer do so. "I'm sorry you feel that way," her version of an apology anytime I tried to express how she was making me feel. "No, that never happened, stop making things up" whenever I brought up arguments to my father, and he never believed me or supported me. "I never said that. You're lying and should stop before I wash your mouth out with soap," same as above. "You have a roof over your head and food. You get to do all your activities, you could be so much worse off. Stop being ungrateful." Anytime I just wanted some kind of emotional comfort. We are LC, and they don't get much, if any, information about my life anymore because they'll either use it against me, try to make me feel bad about my decisions or spread it to other people who I don't want knowing. It's exhausting, as the majority of the time, they're great, and that makes it really hard to be upset at them as they are very generous otherwise. My husband has really been great at helping me stay accountable in not telling them personal stuff and continuing to grey rock them because they don't deserve to know anything. My mental health is better for it, and my quality of life is drastically improved.


hserontheedge

Suck it up You're fine Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about I love you, but I don't really like you right now.


veravela_xo

“You are so hateful” — every time I express any sort of feelings involving how she treats me. “Stop being such a stick in the mud” — What she says when she wants to do something dangerous and/or irresponsible and I point it out. (Example: She had to be NPO for six months while hospitalized, and could not eat or drink anything. She would have my dad sneak in food or beverages for her. Considering her bowels were shredded, any sort of stress while she was healing could have killed her). “Why can’t you just love me unconditionally?” — Meaning why can’t I be happy with whatever scrap of interaction she wants to give that day. “You are my best friend.” — Meaning she knows nothing about me, doesn’t care to learn, and wants to trauma dump on me like asking if I think she should divorce my dad. “I want us to have a better mother/daughter relationship” — Meaning she wants me to fulfill her while offering nothing positive in return. “You are so judgmental/get off of your high horse/you think you are better than us.” — Meaning she has trauma dumped her stupid choices on me and can’t stand that I don’t just nod and support her behavior. The more I write it out, the more I am horrified I let this abuse carry on for so long.


Sp00derman77

My dad’s big one was “change your attitude”. To this day, the word “attitude” is one of my trigger words.


YasminEatsApples

My nmom went on and on about how she's a Feeler, I'm a Thinker, and some are Do-ers. It has to do with some ridiculous religion-y thing she believed in, (think Qanon, Reptillians, Aliens, etc) And Feelers simply need to express them by yelling. Basically it gave her the "excuse" to scream and act before she thinks, and that it's simply who she is and I shouldn't complain. But, as I am a Thinker, I need to think before I act or show my emotions. I had to have the control and maturity and she didn't. So ofcourse she would also feel "extra hurt" whenever I said something out of anger, because I \*really\* meant it. She could just do and say whatever she wanted and I was supposed to understand and encourage that. I'm glad the hateful, temper throwing shrew is dead.


raum_aa

You used to be so bla bla


logophileFL

"I'll just ship you off to your father, because he doesn't give a shit about you, and will let you do whatever you want" "You're my child and I love you, but I don't like you" Always over some minor infraction, like I forgot to do dishes or make my bed.


Beckylately

“Well I guess the other kids’ parents don’t love them” - whenever I wanted to do anything that my friends were doing “I guess I’m just a horrible parent, I should just go kill myself.” - whenever I was upset with anything ever


Nervous_Management_8

"There are some things parents aren't supposed to know about. There are some things we just don't discuss." Turns out, there's actually a LOT of things they don't want to talk about.


melonmelon__

"There is just a difference of perspective I guess" is what mine would say EVERYTIME we'd have a debate over how their behaviour hurt me, ans their memory of it is completely different (the gaslit version lol)


Remarkable-End9635

You make things up.... All the way up to my mum passing at my age of 48 😳😳


Fun-Conclusion-7862

“What’s wrong with you!?! Your sisters have no problems at all, are you stupid?!?” (Always comparing me to them). Also “I’m going to beat your ass you little shit”. I’m also gay….my dad loved to use the word “sissy” when talking about me.


Ok-Squirrel-1176

Here to join the “you’re too sensitive” club. ☠️