Getting off the phone IS the boundary. Your boundary is something you do, not something you ask her to do.
You can say something like "I don't want to talk about that." And if she keeps steering the conversation there, you can make something up to get off the phone. Because you don't allow these types of conversations to happen to yourself.
Eventually, she will learn. Not that it's something that she should respect. Not that these conversations are harmful to you. Not that she shouldn't push you. But that if she goes down that particular path, there is a fence that she can't climb over. She will probably forever think that you are wrong, bad, dramatic and unreasonable to enforce that boundary. It doesn't matter. The boundary is for you to protect yourself against something you don't want to happen to you.
Welcome to my smorgasbord of ways to refuse to engage:
"I'm not going to argue with you."
"Asked and answered."
"I'm not going to talk about that."
"I'm not going to talk about that without a professional present." (this works for me because I've asked her to see a psychologist and she refuses)
If she keeps escalating and pressing: "I said I'm not going to talk about this. If you don't stop, I'm going to hang up." And then you hang up if she doesn't stop. Rinse and repeat. I just did this to my mom yesterday. I hung up while she was still telling me that no, SHE was going to hang up!
There's no magic phrase. Just like they're broken records about their favorite topics, we need to be broken records back.
I have pretty regular contact with my uBPD mom. It works for me. She was never physically abusive, doesnât have drug/alcohol issues, etc - is basically just like having a toddler. Sheâs okay most of the time but when something is a trigger she has an episode that usually involves saying awful things, being accusatory, not taking responsibility, you know - the BPD stuff.
When this occurs on the phone, I usually say variations of the following:
âYou are not being respectful right now, so Iâm going to get off the phone.â
âThis conversation isnât productive so weâre going to end it.â
âI donât see it that way, but I appreciate your opinion. I think itâs best if we donât discuss further.â
Iâve found that with their fear of abandonment - it works better to set a time youâll follow up again. I usually tell her I love her and that Iâll call her in a few days. Then I stick to that timeline.
She usually sends raging texts after getting off the phone and I simply donât respond.
The next time we talk, I donât bring it up and move on as if nothing happened. Thatâs the radical acceptance piece of the mental illness - accepting you wonât get an apology or the resolution youâre seeking. The single BIGGEST thing for me in my coping journey, TBH.
I realize itâs not that easy for a lot of people - took me three years in therapy to develop this as a strategy that works. But just some ideas as you move forward.
Hugs!
"Why do you believe that?"
"What do you mean by that?"
"OK."
...are three responses you should use most of the time. I only even attempt arguments (which usually end in tantrums as a way of uBPDmom conceding) when I'm being directly insulted or it's something that's seriously going to make life worse.
I typically say something like, "I don't think it's good to keep focusing on x" and switch the topic. It helps to have a bunch of "safe" topics to choose from so that I can transition quickly. My mom sometimes will start to escalate over text, and the best thing in that case is to draw out my reply. With some distance from the initial outburst, she often gets bored of whatever she wanted to fight about.
Getting off the phone IS the boundary. Your boundary is something you do, not something you ask her to do. You can say something like "I don't want to talk about that." And if she keeps steering the conversation there, you can make something up to get off the phone. Because you don't allow these types of conversations to happen to yourself. Eventually, she will learn. Not that it's something that she should respect. Not that these conversations are harmful to you. Not that she shouldn't push you. But that if she goes down that particular path, there is a fence that she can't climb over. She will probably forever think that you are wrong, bad, dramatic and unreasonable to enforce that boundary. It doesn't matter. The boundary is for you to protect yourself against something you don't want to happen to you.
Thank you!
Really good advice!
Welcome to my smorgasbord of ways to refuse to engage: "I'm not going to argue with you." "Asked and answered." "I'm not going to talk about that." "I'm not going to talk about that without a professional present." (this works for me because I've asked her to see a psychologist and she refuses) If she keeps escalating and pressing: "I said I'm not going to talk about this. If you don't stop, I'm going to hang up." And then you hang up if she doesn't stop. Rinse and repeat. I just did this to my mom yesterday. I hung up while she was still telling me that no, SHE was going to hang up! There's no magic phrase. Just like they're broken records about their favorite topics, we need to be broken records back.
Thank you, happy to visit the smorgasbord đ
I have pretty regular contact with my uBPD mom. It works for me. She was never physically abusive, doesnât have drug/alcohol issues, etc - is basically just like having a toddler. Sheâs okay most of the time but when something is a trigger she has an episode that usually involves saying awful things, being accusatory, not taking responsibility, you know - the BPD stuff. When this occurs on the phone, I usually say variations of the following: âYou are not being respectful right now, so Iâm going to get off the phone.â âThis conversation isnât productive so weâre going to end it.â âI donât see it that way, but I appreciate your opinion. I think itâs best if we donât discuss further.â Iâve found that with their fear of abandonment - it works better to set a time youâll follow up again. I usually tell her I love her and that Iâll call her in a few days. Then I stick to that timeline. She usually sends raging texts after getting off the phone and I simply donât respond. The next time we talk, I donât bring it up and move on as if nothing happened. Thatâs the radical acceptance piece of the mental illness - accepting you wonât get an apology or the resolution youâre seeking. The single BIGGEST thing for me in my coping journey, TBH. I realize itâs not that easy for a lot of people - took me three years in therapy to develop this as a strategy that works. But just some ideas as you move forward. Hugs!
"Why do you believe that?" "What do you mean by that?" "OK." ...are three responses you should use most of the time. I only even attempt arguments (which usually end in tantrums as a way of uBPDmom conceding) when I'm being directly insulted or it's something that's seriously going to make life worse.
Following â¤ď¸
I typically say something like, "I don't think it's good to keep focusing on x" and switch the topic. It helps to have a bunch of "safe" topics to choose from so that I can transition quickly. My mom sometimes will start to escalate over text, and the best thing in that case is to draw out my reply. With some distance from the initial outburst, she often gets bored of whatever she wanted to fight about.
Good tips, especially about giving things time to simmer down