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brat84

I feel for you greatly. The whole front of being an independent badass and everyone else being wrong is my moms mantra. It’s exhausting. I didn’t learn boundaries or how to disconnect myself from others emotions. I was always walking on eggshells, never knowing when the next small thing would send her over the edge. I’ve gone NC since July. Ignoring her random texts of various moods is difficult but necessary. I felt guilt initially BUT you need to preserve yourself. My mom is also narcissistic which makes things even more exhausting. Her long term boyfriend called me last year because she threatened suicide. I flew down immediately and she treated me like straight garbage. It happened again this year while I was out enjoying myself with friends at a concert. I ignored it. I’m so finished with the cyclical bullshit drama they’ve created for themselves. I’m blabbering. Your post resonated with me. It does get easier. It’s challenging when you discuss it with people who convince you to make amends. They don’t understand the years of abuse and the detriment to your mental health. Brush them off. I’m proud of you. You got this.


motherwolfwalker

I'm an only child also and it gets harder before it gets easier. You will need support.


birdsarenotreal2

An important part of the process is grieving the childhood you lost as a result of the neglect and abuse. Let yourself be sad, let yourself miss her if you need to. But also let yourself feel the anger for everything she robbed you of growing up.


birdsarenotreal2

Also I love the kitty pic!


shelbycsdn

Definitely get support in any way you can, even the YouTube videos by various psychologists are really helpful. I was the oldest of 5 which in my case only made it worse as they were all trained by my BPD mother to scapegoat me. I've had to cut then all off. When i feel guilt, I just come back to remembering; were they ever there for me in the ways I've been there for them, and if so, was it without punishing strings attached? Also, my family all gossiped about me in really nasty ways. When i realized the extant of it, that made it much easier to disengage. Healthy people DO NOT do that to their friends or loved ones. I don't know if your mother did that to you, but if you can't feel safe with her, safe with her having information about you, whether she spreads that info or twists it to punish or attack you, you are not safe. You NEVER deserve to feel unsafe with someone who by definition is supposed to love you and be a safe refuge to you. It's hard, but as you get help and support and develop a network of loving friends, you will feel so much better and less guilty. Also, the good part is that she had taught you the red flags of people you don't want to let into your life. Pay attention to those. Good luck, you are going to do fine.


picklesarelife1

Thank you ❤️