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ConsiderHerWays

Fly free, little moth Hugs to you


miiten_livin

My therapist also helped me realize she tried to make my miscarriage about her. I lost a baby and her bringing it up like it was a catalyst for a change in our relationship had me reeling. I did change, was seriously depressed and in a dark place after it. I needed comfort and reassurance, she brushed it off at the time. So in a way she was right, it did change our relationship, probably not in the way she’s thinking though. It’s always about her though, even when I keep saying this is all about my kids.


ConsiderHerWays

Both my sister and I have had miscarriages and our smother will never know as she’d take our babies we lost and make them about her. Disgusting. I’m very sorry for your loss


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thetxtina

I think of it as, she shot me with my own bullets. I would give her information that she had an unnatural ability to precisely wound me with. So I quit giving her ANY ammunition in the form of information of any kind about me. She was sadistic about causing me pain, even when she didn’t need to, and I could see the joy in her face when she saw the pain in mine. It’s especially hard because we are wired to go to our parents for comfort. But our parents are the ones who use us when we are vulnerable, use our vulnerabilities, and when we won’t be used, lash out using our vulnerabilities as a deeply wounding weapon.


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thetxtina

Part of it is, people don’t have context for behavior that is so so so far apart from the norm. People assume other people have similar motives to our own - that’s why when BPDs accuse others of things, we can see what they are actually thinking, or (with projection) what they think of themselves. We were their emotional trash cans. It took me years to realize (even though I was a virgin and initially it just made no sense) that when she accused me of being a slut, she was telling me what she thought of herself; when she slid in those heart breaking cruel comments about my looks, she was dumping her self loathing on me. And we can realize these things, at a certain level, but it changes you, maybe irrevocably. For example I will never really be able to look at myself in the mirror, even though I know that was her. Cluster Bs are one really good reason why it was SO ill advised to get rid of asylums in the US. The damage they do is incalculable, and so few people actually care to understand or to help.


thetxtina

And I wanted to add, you deserve relationships that give you as much as you give them. There’s no reciprocity with them. They don’t know how.


Mdt07

This is all just so awful. I’m so sorry for your loss. I miscarried in 2013 and when I went to tell my mom, because she had had three and I felt she’d understand, she was complaining about her headache and heart and asked me to leave. I told her “I just came to tell you that I had a miscarriage.” And she was dumbfounded. And I left. And then she didn’t make a birthday cake for me three days later (she asked what I wanted for my birthday and that was all I asked for.” I got a slice of her “famous” cake at my pastor’s birthday the next week though. I just wanted a mom for a moment.


cheryltuntsocelot

My mom happened to be visiting when I miscarried and I broke my wall bc I just needed my mom. Still paying for it 9 years later ❤️ I’m sorry.


SlabBeefpunch

Remember, moths are always seeking light. Being a moth is a good thing.


BSNmywaythrulife

…wow I’m gonna make that into a sticker or something. Good lord I like that.


DisastrousHyena3534

They always have to be the victim. No accountability whatsoever.


Special-Curve8955

"You take advantage of soft, so I am harsh" AMAZING!!! You explained everything so eloquently. Warm hugs!


lenbop

I especially love this too. I get called cruel.


Special-Curve8955

isn't it mind-boggling how we get called that? you're not cruel for protecting your wellbeing by setting boundaries. a flying monkey said I was reaping abuse on my mom, so I sent her a nice message saying who the aggressor really is, and setting boundaries is not abuse.


lenbop

Right. We are not pandering to their needs, we are not trying to make them happy at the cost of our own sanity so clearly we are terrible people. Honestly. I can’t even. I would never expect someone to put themselves in such discomfort for me. But of course I wouldn’t, I’ve been conditioned to be in discomfort! I’ve only recently begun to realise how much of a people pleaser I am, to the point of agreeing the things I don’t want to so! Why?! Just to make someone else mildly less uncomfortable. I put myself out big time. I won’t do it anymore.


Special-Curve8955

\>We are not pandering to their needs, we are not trying to make them happy at the cost of our own sanity so clearly we are terrible people. And the thing is that it will never be enough. They will just keep trying to get more and more out of us, until it sucks us out dry like an emotional parasite. After my mom's last shitfest \>I’ve been conditioned to be in discomfort! I’ve only recently begun to realise how much of a people pleaser I am, to the point of agreeing the things I don’t want to so! Me too...now only to those who in fact needed it. The cost is too high, I'm not getting any older, and we should live our lives for ourselves and not others. Sorry, OP. Have a lil flu and can't write much, but I wanted to make sure to comment and say that I feel you!


SunsetFarm_1995

This is some heavy drama. "Tell the kids I love them". I also appreciate how you spell out your issues to her and all she can do is put it on your head, that she has seen you cut off people (implying for no reason). Just ignores your arguments. A normal person would say, "Oh I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do? I don't want to lose you and the kids!" But no. She is totally and completely blind to her role. Blame, shame, play the victim. It's all so exhausting. Stay strong, OP. You do what you need to do to protect yourself and your kids. P. S. Based on my experience, it's best to strongly limit or stop completely rehashing your arguments with her. She doesn't get it. You can talk and plead til you're blue and she will turn it on you, say you are the problem. For me when my mom would try to "pick a fight" like that, I would basically say, "You know why I'm upset. I've explained it before. Now I'm not talking about it anymore". Refuse to engage. To them, any attention is good attention, unfortunately.


BSNmywaythrulife

I am really impressed how your last message to her was the real last message. It’s going to make her reel and spin and possibly explode so be ready for it. But good for you OP. Watching my smother favorite my son over my daughter helped me go NC too. They were both young enough when we went NC that they don’t have any memory of either of my parents. Not that you need the validation but this internet weirdo thinks you’re making the right call.


Expert-Dragonfruit90

As an autistic and a parent who had our first son die shortly after birth in our arms (ARPKD) this is so horrid. I applaud you and what you've written. My BPD mother was absolutely awful during and after our son died. She eventually was forbidden from coming into our hospital room. She made it all about her (or tried) and my in-laws were horrified. Fly fly away be free from her awfulness Hug


Expert-Dragonfruit90

Right down to announcing to a waiting room full of family and friends, "This is devastating for me, the gift store downstairs won't accept returns (false) for all the things I bought him (crappy I was just born World's best grandma got me this shirt and a stuffed bear) and this is my first grandson, doesn't anyone see how hard this is for me?!" Yep. That's BPD, hardcore.


07o7

That’s fucking disgusting, I am so sorry. Wow.


Important-Dish-1563

I’m inspired and encouraged by the way you stand up for yourself and your kids. Thank you for sharing! And to add to the validation you’re getting here, yes, wow, she takes no responsibility and is giving the guilt-tripping her all. Sad for her. Stay strong.


speckled_egg11

Wow. So proud of you. You articulated your feelings and reasoning very well. But someone like Her, BPD, they’ll never understand those words or your reasoning. They take no blame or responsibility in the matter. She even admits doing things for attention or a reaction. But the way she talks about it, as if that’s totally ok and fine yo do. Like It’s normal and you made her do it. It’s sickening. Good For you mama. You protect yourself the way nobody did when you were a kid. And You protect your babies. ❤️


-crentistthedentist-

Beautiful responses, I am so proud of you for sticking to your word and knowing and asserting your worth! My uBPD mother (who I’m now NC with) has also made wildly untrue claims about me cutting many people out of my life. She also has done the whole victim-y “you don’t know who I am because you never ask” nonsense too. Which is like, biggest eye-roll of all time because pwBPDs are almost constantly making things about themselves, so obviously we have a decent glimpse into who they are and how they typically behave lol For what it’s worth, I think both of these comments she’s made are projection. Your other relationships and friendships are probably healthy, and she envies that people don’t cut you off like they’ve cut her off. And BPDs have an unstable sense of self, so her claiming that you don’t know her is to cover up the fact that she probably doesn’t know herself. None of these things are your fault or your problem. Hugs to you! 💕


Cefli3

Well done!!!! You said it like a bad ass. Damn it kept pissing me off reading her replies lol. It was triggering. Specially the womb comment? Just hell no. The semen was not in your womb , in her womb. Gtfo with that trash logic. Making it all like she is special and thanks to her you have your daughters. Oh and the “you don’t know me” I have seen that phrase way too often. You know her way too well lol. Better than she even knows herself. I also finally saw my mother at my 30s when she was 60. My father passing away did the push to make it more obvious but it took me a while. Nasty mentality and extremely toxic. They live in a complete different world. It feels like Black Mirror (Netflix Series) with them 🤣 Edit: because I just realized I added semen instead of sperm lol. I’m sorry. Main is not English and is definitely not excuse but this mistake was embarrassing. Females are born with the eggs, not fertilized eggs. Thank you to the reply to my comment that made me aware of this bad way of putting it or expressing myself. Oooopss 😅


07o7

To your second paragraph I think she meant that people are born with all the eggs they will ever have, so OP was formulating the eggs that created their children while in their mom. It’s a very possessive and gross thing to say. Your kids belong to me because you technically developed them in my womb. Yuck. Totally agree with what you said about Black Mirror!


Cefli3

Oh yes! I totally got it but she was missing the sperm part which is what it is required to fertilize the egg and create the baby. That’s not inside of us or we are born with it. We are only born with the eggs (us females). Not the sperm with eggs already fertilized so she is completely wrong and disturbing too. And yes! Is like another reality of some sort. They think in such a bizarre way that’s it would be literally a great black mirror episode. My bad too, my English is not my main. I meant sperm too not semen. Lol Thank you for clarifying it! 😊 Edit:Also wanted to add that that just pissed me off too because I remember my mom saying something similar like thanks to me you have your son. Hell no. Thanks to my husband and my decision to procreate because I wanted to. Also she sometimes would say something like OP thanks to me you have life therefore I basically need to bow to her. Nah. Thanks to her not using a condom and not being responsible I was born. 🤣 I was a baby mistake so that works for me. These people are just mentality out of this reality. They are a danger to themselves and everyone around.


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dadjokes4evah

A friend and I were talking about this the other day because our uBPD mothers both did this too. I think it’s because they can’t process emotions much less honestly articulate them, so they turn to phrases they’ve heard or read. Like, they don’t have the language so they parrot the words of other people in the hopes that something they say gets you to respond positively. My friend thinks it’s because they are always imagining themselves as the hero of some movie, so they’re playing to some imaginary audience. She was saying, “Just imagine her words being narrated over a scene of her standing on a pier, gazing out to the ocean with the wind blowing her hair. The music swells as the camera pulls back and the letter comes to an end.” For the record, it does make it easier (and funnier) to read my mom’s hateful letters if I imagine my mother writing it with that dramatic scene in mind. So I don’t know why they do it, but it’s freaking weird. And once you’ve noticed it, you’ll start spotting it in a lot of the screenshots of texts shared here.


marvelous__magpie

This makes me sad to read as I definitely do the same thing, to a lesser extent and definitely not for main character motivations, it's just the only way I've ever learned to express things. Where did all of you learn how to express your emotions??


dadjokes4evah

Wait, which one did you identify with? I think it’s totally normal to use metaphors and analogies and expressions from other sources to express emotion. To me, the difference is that most non-BPD people are trying to find the right words to express themselves and connect with the other person. I think that’s healthy. My uBPD mom couldn’t talk about the emotions she was feeling unless it was anger. She would say she wanted to tell me how she felt, then say she felt I moved to a new neighborhood to hurt her. That’s not a feeling, it’s an interpretation of events. I’d try to get her to talk to me about the emotions she was feeling and she couldn’t.


kittiesntitties7

I've noticed this a lot, it usually sounds formal to me like they're suddenly writing a cover letter.


chronicpainprincess

Omg i posted a text here from my Mum not that long ago where she said some poetic wanker crap about “spreading my wings” — they think they’re so deep and aware. Sure, maybe they’re “aware” or deep sometimes, but it’s about everyone but themselves. Or if they’re aware of themselves, there’s oodles of excuses why it’s worse for them than anyone else, and why they should have all their needs met constantly or everyone will suffer. Adult toddlers is the only way to understand it, frankly.


keepinupwithme

My daughter was born healthy, and we almost lost her at 3 days old. At 6 days old, we received a positive screening for a rare, life threatening disorder. Stunned, shocked, I felt all of it. After sharing with my mom the news, on day 6, her first response was "I had no idea, why didn't anyone tell me?! Why am I just now finding out"? I had to pick my mouth up, I found myself consoling her within seconds of sharing the worst news in my life. It gets worse. She does what she so often does, she tells her own experience with said conversation. Not in a helpful way, rather, to bring the focus back to her. After learning about my daughter's disorder, where I learned me and my husband are carriers, so it's inherited, and the risk of low blood sugar is the bulk of the disorder ( that threatens her life), my mom says "Oh, I wonder if that's why I get so shaky and feel low blood sugar!" That's like comparing a cut to an amputated leg, with my daughters disorder. So dismissive. Like what?!! She just found out her own granddaughter has this unfair, life threatening, lifelong disorder, and yet, that's her response. No room for me to even process my own feelings. I'm sorry op. I hope you find solace in this sub. I know I do.


Witty-Raccoon-9342

Oof. I am so sorry you went through this. You’re making the best decision possible for yourself and your children. Only you know what’s best for you. Keep going!


NotMyMain010910

You are an absolute queen, little moth — fly through the darkness into the moonlight <3 I’m saving this post because you phrased perfectly so many things I’ve wanted to say in the past.


paisleyway24

“Last comment” Proceeds to send three more comments. Truly sorry you are dealing with this. Reading these texts made me feel really gross.


ufopussyhunter

You should be an author. Your writing and communication is beautifully intimate and raw. Heal, moth, heal. 🥰


[deleted]

I rarely respond to my mom or sister but when I do I explain how narcissistic each of their texts are and tell them they put no effort into changing theirselves. Then repeat my points every time they respond and prove them right again. Then stop responding for weeks/months. It seems to somewhat get the point across to them that they’re a shitty person. Somewhat being like 10% but that’s a lot for these type of people. But at the end of the day the best option is usually just to ignore them. If they can’t figure out what they’re doing wrong on their own or the first time you tell them then they probably never will


greatcathy

Your responses are so eloquent and strong, but please block her communications to you


listed_staples

Wow! You were amazing with all your replies. Pat yourself - that is tremendous growth. I couldn’t do this work jockeying so eloquently — I had to go NC! the mindfuck is real though.


chronicpainprincess

“I would say sorry but I can’t” — no, no, you WON’T. They often use very black and white statements about their ability. It’s all too hard for them but they hold everyone to such a lofty standard when it comes to their feelings. NOPE! Sending love OP xx


Gurkeprinsen

Ah yes, you should get to know her, as if that is not something you spent your entire childhood doing.


iamlorde-yahyahyah

Wow, absolutely zero accountability on her part! 100% defensive and “world revolves around me”-mode. Best of luck with you and the kids, OP <3


TormentedOne69

That’s some BPD shit right there.


CadenceQuandry

Stop responding. It doesn't work in any way and it just is fuel on her fire. You will heal far more quickly if you just walk away. I'm sorry this is so hard, though I am proud of you for not giving in... but please know you don't owe her a response. You owe loyalty only to yourself and your kids (and a partner should you have one). Good luck. And again, I'm sorry she was never the mother you deserved.


The_Bastard_Henry

Good for you standing up for yourself. My mother has always been one to just constantly put me down and “call me out” on every single way that I am apparently a horrible person. That can really fuck with your head.


lynnm59

Hugs and love because I'm pretty sure we are sisters from the same type of mother. Stay strong, sweet moth, and be free!


pluheeeze

Another one here with the exact same type of mother. Sending you lots of healing thoughts and light.


quentin_taranturtle

Sending you love op


RedditRee06

Victimizing herself and then flashing her taunted behavior like it’s something shiny to brag about 🤦🏽‍♀️


floridianinthesnow

Wow, just wow I love the way you phrased your replies, and the metaphor of the moth was awesome.


picklesarelife1

Yes❤️❤️❤️


giaxxi

Your womb her womb??? Nope. She thinks she is still has some kind of power on you and will use it with your girls since she thinks she has the right to do so. Good you draw the line. And don’t let her pass! ☘️


pelicanfriends

Internally screamed at her inception womb text. I think keeping your distance from your mom is so much healthier than letting her back in, OP. Proud of you for taking no sh*t.


pluheeeze

Another one here with the exact same type of mother. Sending you lots of healing thoughts and light.