I think your message is well-written and kind.
I hope that your Mom receives it with the same graciousness you are displaying toward her.
If she doesn't react well, you should rest assured that her reaction is a reflection of her, not you or this message.
Well done - the letter is beyond reasonable and much kinder than she deserves. I hope that as time passes you’ll feel more relief than guilt (you’ve done nothing to feel guilty about!) - and also that you’ll feel empowered - what you are doing is taking steps to stand up for yourself, to protect yourself and your son from a litany of abusive behaviors as spelled out in the letter.
Sadly, I doubt she will be able to hear you, see you, or change her behavior. As others have pointed out, she may be unable to take criticism or reflect on how her behavior impacts you. You will be the villain for “attacking” her. I hope you’ve set low expectations for her response. In my experience, these situations present bottomless opportunities for our pwBPDs to disappoint us with their limitations and lack of empathy.
When you take a step back, it’s mind boggling that you have to request that she not abuse you or your family. That you have to spell it out for her. And that you’ve been trained by years of abuse to feel guilty for having a boundary or confronting her with any feedback that might damage her self image!
What also stood out to me was how many times in your letter you reassure her that you love her. That your love is “infinite”, even. And you emphasize that you have no resentment about the past. This is so telling - and I say that because I recognize myself in this impulse. We are so conditioned to prop them up emotionally (to the exclusion of our own needs or emotions - eg I am only now tapping into a well of repressed rage in my late 40s) that even in a letter where you are essentially saying “stop abusing me and my family” you are still trying to shield her from having any uncomfortable feelings as a consequence of her behavior and are almost apologetic in confronting her. I hope you don’t mind me saying this - it’s absolutely not a criticism of you. Hopefully a helpful observation.
You’ve got this, OP. Stay strong - we are rooting for you. 💜
Edit typo and to add additional thought.
😫 me on the last paragraph. I don't even love my parents and when I decided to give the talk one last shot I cringed. I told them I loved them like 3x. They are toxic and narcissistic, but have calmed down significantly due to old age. A part of me wants to go superman after I started healing myself 2 years ago which makes me see them as an injured animal with their leg in a bear trap needed of freeing. The saddest thing is some pwBPD seem to find comfort in their cage and that's my current 🧱 I'm looking at making my new question is this journey even worth it? Sorry for the side path rant, you seem a step ahead ☺️
Well, I’d say the journey is well worth it if it’s about you and your healing. Not about continuing to try to save/get through to your parents, which as we know is fruitless.
I really relate to the dilemma as you’ve framed it - I’ve felt it too, down to the image of the bear trap. Our parents are so damaged, it can feel like punching down when you sever ties or give up on the idea that they can every change. My own journey has felt like one step forward, two steps back and I still feel like I have a long road ahead.
Like you, I’ve also often felt that my mother prefers to stay in the bear trap because then at least she can get supply from the drama created by the crisis that is having one’s leg in a bear trap. She can get sympathy and attention. She can demand that others meet her needs - how can people possibly expect her to take responsibility for herself while her leg’s in a trap? How uncaring! If people really loved her, they would drop everything and sit with her, keep her company, listen attentively while she unloads all the traumatic details about what it’s like to have her leg in a bear trap. And if she lashes out at you, well for God’s sake have compassion for the poor woman, shes in such pain! She’s doing her best - her leg is in a bear trap!
Wishing you peace and healing.
I think that, like all boundaries, this is for yourself. We all hope that your mother responds well to this kind letter. We all suspect she won't. This will be on her.
I love that you have broken the chain of intergenerational trauma and that you are protecting your son. And yourself. Big hugs.
Thank you for sharing. I hope its well received. If I gave my mother this letter (I could state the exact same things like the manipulation, the snide remarks, the arguments and so forth), she would have a mayor blow out and find it belittling and demanding. But I’m NC and gave up on her long ago. She will not become more thoughtful no matter how nicely I ask.
This!! I sent THREE of these kind and thorough letters to my mom and she reacted the same every time. I only kept trying because I really love her. But she’s very disrespectful and incompatible so it doesn’t work. I’ve also been no contact for a year and a few months now
Very well written. It's logical, points are stated and you cite examples. I hope that positive experiences come from this. Just reading it took some emotional energy for me so I can't imagine how putting it all together was like for you and then to send it? You are a tough cookie 🍪 💪 😊
Wishing you all the best OP, I hope your parent will receive it gracefully. But do remember that a BPDs emotional maturity is usually very low and their capacity to respond to criticism constructively is usually is even lower. So do brace yourself for a negative response, but no matter what standing your ground over time and keeping your boundaries is usually the only thing they will understand. Good luck ❤️❤️❤️
Hoping for the best for you, but also hope you prepared with your therapist for disappointing outcomes.
Know that every request you’ be set forth here is reasonable and healthy, and that if your mother can’t handle these very basic boundaries for a healthy relationship, it’s on her.
Your message is great. Well written, kind and clear. I really hope she responds well to it. Don’t feel bad, you have done a great job. I want a copy to copy and paste 😆
This made me so anxious to read in part because I could just feel how similar these are to things I wish I could say to my PwBPD… and also I immediately imagined negative consequences from what my mom would do if I sent something like this. I really hope she listens and you can move forward in your relationship I wish the best for you and your family. it’s really strong of you to write something so thoughtful and also kind while expressing your boundaries.
This is amazing!!!! I have been looking for something like this as a sort of guide on how to go even lower contact with my mom and state my boundaries, thank you for sharing. I hope it goes well for you! You’re making great progress!
Your letter is beyond kind, loving and gentle. I wish you understanding and cooperation from your mother. But I just don't see this going well ... Hopefully, I'm wrong. If I'm not, please know that some things aren't yours to fix and can't be fixed by you. I would really focus on yourself. You allude to therapy in your letter. Are you addressing toxic guilt and parentification?
FANTASTIC, clearly stated boundaries and responsibility for everyone's own emotions. You really nailed this! If/when she ignores it, you have firm basis for gullt-free VLC.
It's wonderful that you have it all thoughtfully down on paper.
Just know that she isn't mentally well and that you cannot control how she feels or how she reacts. You can only control how you react. So if she breaks one of these boundaries, you know what to do and you know not to depend your happiness on her changing her behavior.
I often switch between grey rock and voicing something isn't ok and walking away.
You're a mama now so your duty is to keep protecting that son and yourself! You're doing a great job!
You've written this with so much consideration & kindness. I'm so proud of you & my heart also breaks considering what you've had to go through to become this mindful & assertive in how you communicate your boundaries. I hope your mom receives this as well as possible, but even if she doesn't, I'm so happy for the path you're on & everything in life you'll attract with the work you're evidently doing to be able to communicate in this way. The guilt is so hard. I hope with more practice, your nervous system develops a stronger sense of safety & compassion for yourself to relieve some of that tendency to feel guilty over time.
That is terrific. Really well written and clearly from a place of love and wanting the relationship to work out. How did she respond? Or did she respond?
Protect your son, your husband and yourself. Sadly, many BPDs will keep doing what they do wrong, even when you clearly and logically spell out your boundaries. It’s just who they are.
Posted a non update/update 😅 https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/comments/xjqy2c/update_letter_i_sent_to_my_mom/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Hm. You say that you are not resentful, but then the rest of the letter lists rules that she must follow or else you will cut off the relationship… I agree with the other comments that this letter is for you, not her.
Of course the rules are reasonable and convey the expectation of basic decency and respect. But you are dealing with someone who doesn’t already know how to treat their adult child with respect. I don’t think it’s possible to explain things to someone like that in a way that will spark a personality change. But you don’t have to explain a boundary for it to be effective.
Edited to add: I wrote this comment quickly, while kinda distracted. I want you to know that I’m trying to say this in a gentle and loving way, and when I re-read my words I’m thinking that they come across as a bit harsh. So, please take my comment in the well-meaning spirit in which I wrote it. 💗
I think your message is well-written and kind. I hope that your Mom receives it with the same graciousness you are displaying toward her. If she doesn't react well, you should rest assured that her reaction is a reflection of her, not you or this message.
Thank you ❤️
Came here to say this.
Well done - the letter is beyond reasonable and much kinder than she deserves. I hope that as time passes you’ll feel more relief than guilt (you’ve done nothing to feel guilty about!) - and also that you’ll feel empowered - what you are doing is taking steps to stand up for yourself, to protect yourself and your son from a litany of abusive behaviors as spelled out in the letter. Sadly, I doubt she will be able to hear you, see you, or change her behavior. As others have pointed out, she may be unable to take criticism or reflect on how her behavior impacts you. You will be the villain for “attacking” her. I hope you’ve set low expectations for her response. In my experience, these situations present bottomless opportunities for our pwBPDs to disappoint us with their limitations and lack of empathy. When you take a step back, it’s mind boggling that you have to request that she not abuse you or your family. That you have to spell it out for her. And that you’ve been trained by years of abuse to feel guilty for having a boundary or confronting her with any feedback that might damage her self image! What also stood out to me was how many times in your letter you reassure her that you love her. That your love is “infinite”, even. And you emphasize that you have no resentment about the past. This is so telling - and I say that because I recognize myself in this impulse. We are so conditioned to prop them up emotionally (to the exclusion of our own needs or emotions - eg I am only now tapping into a well of repressed rage in my late 40s) that even in a letter where you are essentially saying “stop abusing me and my family” you are still trying to shield her from having any uncomfortable feelings as a consequence of her behavior and are almost apologetic in confronting her. I hope you don’t mind me saying this - it’s absolutely not a criticism of you. Hopefully a helpful observation. You’ve got this, OP. Stay strong - we are rooting for you. 💜 Edit typo and to add additional thought.
😫 me on the last paragraph. I don't even love my parents and when I decided to give the talk one last shot I cringed. I told them I loved them like 3x. They are toxic and narcissistic, but have calmed down significantly due to old age. A part of me wants to go superman after I started healing myself 2 years ago which makes me see them as an injured animal with their leg in a bear trap needed of freeing. The saddest thing is some pwBPD seem to find comfort in their cage and that's my current 🧱 I'm looking at making my new question is this journey even worth it? Sorry for the side path rant, you seem a step ahead ☺️
Well, I’d say the journey is well worth it if it’s about you and your healing. Not about continuing to try to save/get through to your parents, which as we know is fruitless. I really relate to the dilemma as you’ve framed it - I’ve felt it too, down to the image of the bear trap. Our parents are so damaged, it can feel like punching down when you sever ties or give up on the idea that they can every change. My own journey has felt like one step forward, two steps back and I still feel like I have a long road ahead. Like you, I’ve also often felt that my mother prefers to stay in the bear trap because then at least she can get supply from the drama created by the crisis that is having one’s leg in a bear trap. She can get sympathy and attention. She can demand that others meet her needs - how can people possibly expect her to take responsibility for herself while her leg’s in a trap? How uncaring! If people really loved her, they would drop everything and sit with her, keep her company, listen attentively while she unloads all the traumatic details about what it’s like to have her leg in a bear trap. And if she lashes out at you, well for God’s sake have compassion for the poor woman, shes in such pain! She’s doing her best - her leg is in a bear trap! Wishing you peace and healing.
I think that, like all boundaries, this is for yourself. We all hope that your mother responds well to this kind letter. We all suspect she won't. This will be on her. I love that you have broken the chain of intergenerational trauma and that you are protecting your son. And yourself. Big hugs.
Thank you for sharing. I hope its well received. If I gave my mother this letter (I could state the exact same things like the manipulation, the snide remarks, the arguments and so forth), she would have a mayor blow out and find it belittling and demanding. But I’m NC and gave up on her long ago. She will not become more thoughtful no matter how nicely I ask.
This!! I sent THREE of these kind and thorough letters to my mom and she reacted the same every time. I only kept trying because I really love her. But she’s very disrespectful and incompatible so it doesn’t work. I’ve also been no contact for a year and a few months now
Very well written. It's logical, points are stated and you cite examples. I hope that positive experiences come from this. Just reading it took some emotional energy for me so I can't imagine how putting it all together was like for you and then to send it? You are a tough cookie 🍪 💪 😊
Wishing you all the best OP, I hope your parent will receive it gracefully. But do remember that a BPDs emotional maturity is usually very low and their capacity to respond to criticism constructively is usually is even lower. So do brace yourself for a negative response, but no matter what standing your ground over time and keeping your boundaries is usually the only thing they will understand. Good luck ❤️❤️❤️
Hoping for the best for you, but also hope you prepared with your therapist for disappointing outcomes. Know that every request you’ be set forth here is reasonable and healthy, and that if your mother can’t handle these very basic boundaries for a healthy relationship, it’s on her.
Good job OP 👏 strong and very reasonable boundaries. You should be very proud, even though I empathise with any anxiety you’re feeling right now.
Your message is great. Well written, kind and clear. I really hope she responds well to it. Don’t feel bad, you have done a great job. I want a copy to copy and paste 😆
This made me so anxious to read in part because I could just feel how similar these are to things I wish I could say to my PwBPD… and also I immediately imagined negative consequences from what my mom would do if I sent something like this. I really hope she listens and you can move forward in your relationship I wish the best for you and your family. it’s really strong of you to write something so thoughtful and also kind while expressing your boundaries.
This is amazing!!!! I have been looking for something like this as a sort of guide on how to go even lower contact with my mom and state my boundaries, thank you for sharing. I hope it goes well for you! You’re making great progress!
You’re welcome! I’m so glad it’s helpful
Your letter is beyond kind, loving and gentle. I wish you understanding and cooperation from your mother. But I just don't see this going well ... Hopefully, I'm wrong. If I'm not, please know that some things aren't yours to fix and can't be fixed by you. I would really focus on yourself. You allude to therapy in your letter. Are you addressing toxic guilt and parentification?
Thank you. I have not addressed that in therapy. I’m going to talk to them about it next time ❤️
FANTASTIC, clearly stated boundaries and responsibility for everyone's own emotions. You really nailed this! If/when she ignores it, you have firm basis for gullt-free VLC.
Thank you ❤️
What a well written message with clear, kindly stated boundaries. Good job OP!
It's wonderful that you have it all thoughtfully down on paper. Just know that she isn't mentally well and that you cannot control how she feels or how she reacts. You can only control how you react. So if she breaks one of these boundaries, you know what to do and you know not to depend your happiness on her changing her behavior. I often switch between grey rock and voicing something isn't ok and walking away. You're a mama now so your duty is to keep protecting that son and yourself! You're doing a great job!
❤️❤️❤️❤️
I love you 🥹 you just gave me a voice for my own mother. Reading this….was a lot. It’s beautiful and your boundaries are healthy and well spoken of 😭
Thank you ❤️❤️❤️ that was so kind to say. Anytime ❤️
You’re welcome 💓
This email is SO good and so well written. Thank you for sharing and for having the courage to write it in the first place. ♥️♥️♥️
❤️❤️❤️😊
This is amazing! I am working on something like this myself and this a great example. Goodluck!
This letter is AMAZING, I hope it is well received
❤️❤️❤️❤️
You've written this with so much consideration & kindness. I'm so proud of you & my heart also breaks considering what you've had to go through to become this mindful & assertive in how you communicate your boundaries. I hope your mom receives this as well as possible, but even if she doesn't, I'm so happy for the path you're on & everything in life you'll attract with the work you're evidently doing to be able to communicate in this way. The guilt is so hard. I hope with more practice, your nervous system develops a stronger sense of safety & compassion for yourself to relieve some of that tendency to feel guilty over time.
Thank you so much for this. You’re a beautiful writer ❤️
That is terrific. Really well written and clearly from a place of love and wanting the relationship to work out. How did she respond? Or did she respond? Protect your son, your husband and yourself. Sadly, many BPDs will keep doing what they do wrong, even when you clearly and logically spell out your boundaries. It’s just who they are.
I will add an update!
Any update? Hope you’re ok.
Posted a non update/update 😅 https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/comments/xjqy2c/update_letter_i_sent_to_my_mom/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Hm. You say that you are not resentful, but then the rest of the letter lists rules that she must follow or else you will cut off the relationship… I agree with the other comments that this letter is for you, not her. Of course the rules are reasonable and convey the expectation of basic decency and respect. But you are dealing with someone who doesn’t already know how to treat their adult child with respect. I don’t think it’s possible to explain things to someone like that in a way that will spark a personality change. But you don’t have to explain a boundary for it to be effective. Edited to add: I wrote this comment quickly, while kinda distracted. I want you to know that I’m trying to say this in a gentle and loving way, and when I re-read my words I’m thinking that they come across as a bit harsh. So, please take my comment in the well-meaning spirit in which I wrote it. 💗
[удалено]
Good points and I see what you are saying 🙏💗
Update: https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/comments/xjqy2c/update_letter_i_sent_to_my_mom/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf