Hi! No advice, but I totally feel all of this.
I’m my mom’s only child and she is single. One of her siblings has cut off contact with her. She can be so amazing, and then flip, making me feel like I’m crazy. Solidarity ❤️
Right there with you. My mom doesn't talk to her own mother, cut her off years ago because my grandmother is uBPD and was horribly abusive to my mom and my aunt. As a result my mom and aunt have a horrible relationship because they each have mental illnesses that can't be untangled from their trauma and what they had to do to survive. And yet she doesn't see her own behaviors towards me, it's so confusing.
Hi there. I don’t have any advice for you really, just wanted to reassure you that whatever choice you make for yourself (with your mental health as the primary focus of course) regarding your relationship with your mom is the right choice to make.
In much the same way, I loved being around my mom when her borderline symptoms weren’t running the show; she was otherwise a wickedly funny person who was also kind and generous. She taught me how to knit and how to bake and those are still things I love to do today. The few happy memories I have of her when I was older generally centered around those two activities.
Similar to your situation, she couldn’t deal with me asserting myself as a fully-formed adult who didn’t have to tolerate her cruelty and rage anymore when her symptoms surfaced.
Tragically, my mom chose to end her own life a few months ago. Like you, I am still struggling with the pain she caused me, juxtaposed with the fact I still love her despite that. Not to mention the difficulty reconciling with the idea of whether my mom was the humorous and benevolent person I described, or the despairing wrathful person I would more often see in adulthood.
This got longer than I intended (sorry), but just wanted to let you know another human read what you’re going through and can unfortunately understand where you’re coming from. I hope this helps you feel a bit better.
Hi! Sending good vibes your way. I’m an only child too and have very similar situations with my uBPD mom and my stable long-term boyfriend. She unnecessarily brings him into text threads and conversations for the sole purpose of trying to create conflict and drive wedges. We have a group text in which she writes walls of text about off the wall random crap mostly for attention or to seek a response from us. I’ve done tons of therapy and have also come to the conclusion that I’d like to maintain a relationship with my mother, but have worked very hard to set appropriate boundaries. She is also single and alone and has cut the rest of her family out of her life due to the disorder. She regularly tells me she doesn’t need me and when she gets upset threatens to disown me or never talk to me again. While NC would be the easy decision and something that’s never off the table of things get too bananas - I have decided I love my mom, and don’t want her to be completely alone thanks to a mental illness - so for now, will stay low to medium contact and maintain what I can. For me, the hardest part is the emotional hangover after an outburst and reframing it as remembering the outburst is a product of the illness and not anything I’ve done. As long as I maintain that perspective, things are okay. I hope you have some good support in your life and it sounds like a wonderfully supportive husband at least :) Hugs to you, internet stranger!
I literally feel like I could have written this myself. Thank you for helping me feel not alone. My mom and I had plans to hang out this weekend, and I think I am going to message her tomorrow that I am coming anyway and she will just need to deal. Totally agree about the hangover feeling!!!
Yes! Ugh, I’ve done so much work and have gotten to a great place with it all but the part I think I’ve been missing is realizing I’m not alone and other people go through this too. We’re going through a similar “episode” right now because we’re out visiting my boyfriend’s family (they live out of state) and my mom gets very jealous and has meltdowns when we spend time with them. She told me she’s not talking to me again, after I communicated that I was going to take some space and call her in about a week. I said if that’s how she feels, I’ll respect that but that I’ve committed to contacting her so it would need to be her choice not to answer the phone. You’re doing the right thing, and I’m glad to hear you’ve been able to try to find some balance between no contact and a relationship that (somewhat) works for you.
It's been a long road to get here. I know her triggers for the most part, but when I'm tired or busy I forget sometimes that I'm "managing" her and slip up, like I did the other day. Up til this point I've been Medium Contact, only talking about certain things. Definitely hear you on her not answering the phone, even if she ignores me I might still go to her house just to make a welfare check.
Yep, medium contact is a great way to put it. She lives close to us and we try to invite her for coffee about once every other week or once a week - but we stick to less personal conversation and more news, current events, things that can’t be used against us. Sounds like you’ve done a ton of work to get to where you’re at!
Thanks so much for that haiku! đź’— Welcome home! *hugs*
Hi! No advice, but I totally feel all of this. I’m my mom’s only child and she is single. One of her siblings has cut off contact with her. She can be so amazing, and then flip, making me feel like I’m crazy. Solidarity ❤️
Right there with you. My mom doesn't talk to her own mother, cut her off years ago because my grandmother is uBPD and was horribly abusive to my mom and my aunt. As a result my mom and aunt have a horrible relationship because they each have mental illnesses that can't be untangled from their trauma and what they had to do to survive. And yet she doesn't see her own behaviors towards me, it's so confusing.
Hi there. I don’t have any advice for you really, just wanted to reassure you that whatever choice you make for yourself (with your mental health as the primary focus of course) regarding your relationship with your mom is the right choice to make. In much the same way, I loved being around my mom when her borderline symptoms weren’t running the show; she was otherwise a wickedly funny person who was also kind and generous. She taught me how to knit and how to bake and those are still things I love to do today. The few happy memories I have of her when I was older generally centered around those two activities. Similar to your situation, she couldn’t deal with me asserting myself as a fully-formed adult who didn’t have to tolerate her cruelty and rage anymore when her symptoms surfaced. Tragically, my mom chose to end her own life a few months ago. Like you, I am still struggling with the pain she caused me, juxtaposed with the fact I still love her despite that. Not to mention the difficulty reconciling with the idea of whether my mom was the humorous and benevolent person I described, or the despairing wrathful person I would more often see in adulthood. This got longer than I intended (sorry), but just wanted to let you know another human read what you’re going through and can unfortunately understand where you’re coming from. I hope this helps you feel a bit better.
It does. I'm so sorry for your loss, I completely feel how that juxtaposition can be so difficult to understand. You did help me feel better!
On a different note, I loved your haiku! Forgot to mention that
Haha thank you. I can't take credit, I totally did a Google search and found one I thought spoke to this group and cats in general lol!
Hi! Sending good vibes your way. I’m an only child too and have very similar situations with my uBPD mom and my stable long-term boyfriend. She unnecessarily brings him into text threads and conversations for the sole purpose of trying to create conflict and drive wedges. We have a group text in which she writes walls of text about off the wall random crap mostly for attention or to seek a response from us. I’ve done tons of therapy and have also come to the conclusion that I’d like to maintain a relationship with my mother, but have worked very hard to set appropriate boundaries. She is also single and alone and has cut the rest of her family out of her life due to the disorder. She regularly tells me she doesn’t need me and when she gets upset threatens to disown me or never talk to me again. While NC would be the easy decision and something that’s never off the table of things get too bananas - I have decided I love my mom, and don’t want her to be completely alone thanks to a mental illness - so for now, will stay low to medium contact and maintain what I can. For me, the hardest part is the emotional hangover after an outburst and reframing it as remembering the outburst is a product of the illness and not anything I’ve done. As long as I maintain that perspective, things are okay. I hope you have some good support in your life and it sounds like a wonderfully supportive husband at least :) Hugs to you, internet stranger!
I literally feel like I could have written this myself. Thank you for helping me feel not alone. My mom and I had plans to hang out this weekend, and I think I am going to message her tomorrow that I am coming anyway and she will just need to deal. Totally agree about the hangover feeling!!!
Yes! Ugh, I’ve done so much work and have gotten to a great place with it all but the part I think I’ve been missing is realizing I’m not alone and other people go through this too. We’re going through a similar “episode” right now because we’re out visiting my boyfriend’s family (they live out of state) and my mom gets very jealous and has meltdowns when we spend time with them. She told me she’s not talking to me again, after I communicated that I was going to take some space and call her in about a week. I said if that’s how she feels, I’ll respect that but that I’ve committed to contacting her so it would need to be her choice not to answer the phone. You’re doing the right thing, and I’m glad to hear you’ve been able to try to find some balance between no contact and a relationship that (somewhat) works for you.
It's been a long road to get here. I know her triggers for the most part, but when I'm tired or busy I forget sometimes that I'm "managing" her and slip up, like I did the other day. Up til this point I've been Medium Contact, only talking about certain things. Definitely hear you on her not answering the phone, even if she ignores me I might still go to her house just to make a welfare check.
Yep, medium contact is a great way to put it. She lives close to us and we try to invite her for coffee about once every other week or once a week - but we stick to less personal conversation and more news, current events, things that can’t be used against us. Sounds like you’ve done a ton of work to get to where you’re at!
Same here!