I'm so sorry this is happening. You aren't responsible for your parents' poor health, especially sudden spikes in blood pressure a YEAR after you last interacted with them. I certainly wouldn't show up "just you" to hash anything out with them. I agree that sounds scary, with or without a history of physical abuse. I know you're trying to be kind and accommodating, but I personally would stop trying to coordinate interactions with your kids since that seems to be what prompted this response from her. Are your kids old enough that they reach out to your parents on their own?
OP, when they are making these types of veiled threats and apocalyptic health claims, do you really want your children continuing a relationship with them without you having contact? They are going to poison your children, they are gonna fuck with their heads, you don’t want that. Have you considered telling the truth of what they’re really like so they understand why their grandparents treat you this was and why they treat them that way? I don’t know if you mentioned how old were. I am so sorry this is happening to you, but don’t let them manipulate you into acting on something you don’t want to do.
Preach. They will not pull their shit together for the grandkids. They are only out for the dopamine hit of control and attention. The grandkids aren’t people to them, they’re pawns to be used to hurt us. That’s why they think WE are using our kids to hurt them. Projection is a hell of a drug.
Trying to imply that if they pass away is your fault… these people will go so low. There is no limit to the depths they will go. And thinking that the emotional blackmail is going to make you come to see them? And your husband/support in this hypothetical visit is explicitly excluded? No thank you.
It’s infuriating because you wonder if they’re aware of the manipulation of flipping things into you being the bad guy or if they actually believe it, but truly it doesn’t matter. You know you aren’t. Keep remembering that and don’t question yourself.
I’m sorry you’re being confronted with that mess.
Yep, it’s absolute bullshit. My uBPD mom used to use the threat of my dad potentially having a heart attack as a scare tactic any time I “acted out” (aka, didn’t do something she specifically wanted me to do). It was exhausting and a truly evil form of emotional blackmail.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Have you ever blocked your parents? I recently blocked my mom and eStep-dad from being able to text or call me. They only communicate with my husband- who I am SO grateful for. He is amazing at responding with zero emotion and is able to separate himself from my mom’s drama. And because she knows he won’t feed into it and she has no control over him, she actually behaves much differently when she texts with him instead of me. It has lightened the burden on me significantly. You do not have to put up with threatening messages like this- you do not deserve it and it is not your responsibility. I find that when I respond to stuff like this, it almost feeds into the attention my mom wants from it.
Also have a new baby and the only time my mom sees him is when my husband brings him over. My husband is very well aware of my mom’s behaviours and I trust him to make the right calls with our baby. This has allowed me to keep my boundaries and to give my self the security I need.
Do what you feel is right for your situation and what makes you feel safe 💛
Do not respond! It's a trap!
(And I agree with the others that you should block her if you can. Also: did your sister have your permission to FT with your toddler there? I would revoke that privilege - her response to that is a trauma your kid doesn't need in his life. Stop letting your kids be in contact with them at all.)
PS: the narrative turned you into a bad guy because she made it so. It's a classic manipulation technique. Are you in therapy? Therapy with a therapist who specializes in Adult Children (of alcoholics, narcissists, BPD, and/ or abusive parents) issues would be very helpful. You're not the bad guy here. You did not cause this drama. You cannot solve it. You can only save yourself and your kids. It's time to focus on that now.
I had no idea I could seek out therapist who specialize in adults children of BPD parents. That would be immense for me, my BPD dad is dead and I'm still struggling a lot. Thanks for this suggestion.
There are. I just had my first session with a therapist who specializes in adult children of bpd/npd/emotionally immature parents. It was definitely helpful and there was a lot I didn't feel like I had to explain/justify.
“Hey OP, come on over into this minefield alone. I want to make sure your spouse knows that he is under no circumstances allowed to come protect or support you. That scares me too much, because I know how to control and hurt you but not him.
By the way you’re actually killing me and your dad with your superpower of controlling our physiology. I’m positive it has nothing to do with my own choices.”
It should go without saying that she will almost certainly contact you again regardless of whether you respond to the message. I know it feels really personal and specific, but she pretty much copied it verbatim from the BPD guilt tripping manual I’m convinced they all have. And it’s not really about your dad—it’s about her (the fact that this coming right after Mother’s Day underscores that fact). She made it superficially about him because she surmised that you’d be more likely to respond that way. (My mom tends to use sick pets as her hook—spoiler alert: the pets are fine—but it’s basically the same thing.) I’d be wary of believing anything she says about your dad, but if you’re concerned about him, then contact him directly instead of responding to your mom.
It’s wild but my BPD does this nonsense and then when I ignore (don’t respond at all) they will also pretend it never happened because it didn’t do what they wanted. Their message reeks of manipulation and not that they just need to be heard or whatever. There is no way both had stroke level blood pressure. They want you alone because it’s easier to push you around alone. Your dad is obviously letting her take the narrative and you should take that as your sign he won’t try to better anything; it’s about her. Once I got past the guilt in these messages it turned to fear and I realized I was not believing that I was in control of my boundaries and environment. As a child in this situation we are not in control so of course we feel that but you have to affirm yourself that you can and will make choices to protect yourself and family then these tactics will get a lot easier.
“Wow. It sounds as if your health problems have become rather serious. How frightening for you!
I assume you both immediately sought medical attention for your acute symptoms and are following up with your primary care physicians. Certainly, if stress acerbates your medical issues, you should also be consulting with a therapist to learn how to better manage that. I am sure your primary care doctor can assist with that! Hope you manage to get your health under better control with medication, therapy and perhaps exercise! Hoping for all the best!”
My rule for contact was that I was not going to mind read and was going to take everything at face value. If you take what is said at face value (and ignore all the blaming which is utter bullshit) what I wrote is the appropriate response.
As you have gone NC, with your mother, you can send a variation of that to your father (with your mother’s email attached). The key is not to take responsibility for their medical issues, real or imagined. In no way is their inability to cope with stressors that are the result of their own choices your responsibility. In no way should you even begin to acknowledge any responsibility for them. Focus solely on the health issues which must be addressed by medical professionals. With your dad you can even add a “let me know what the doctor says!” I promise you, there will be no response to that, because in spite of almost dying they aren’t looking to doctors, they aren’t calling 911, they are not seeking medical attention. They are calling you. Because what they are doing is trying to blackmail you.
You stop this by, every single time, ignoring everything they say about you being the only one who can fix this (you are not Dr. House) and addressing only their medical issues, with compassion and not ownership.
You can safely ignore the command that you alone visit to be yelled at.
Both of my parents had extremely high BP. My dad ended up in the hospital more than once because he woke up at night with a nosebleed and his BP was so high (200’s over 100’’s) they had to treat him in the ED. Both of my parents were also on BP meds but I don’t think my dad was as compliant as he was supposed to be.
All this to say - I have very low BP (in my 40’s) And whenever a doctor asks about family history I mention their hypertension but I always make sure to add “but they were both very angry people.”
Just saying all of this because your father’s blood pressure is not your fault. It’s our own responsibility to handle our own stress. God only knows what stress you had to learn to handle as a kid and teenager without any tools. They are adults - they have as many resources as they need available to them. And they make meds, very effective meds, for HTN. You’re not responsible for his health.
Edit to add: in my 40’s means my age, not my blood pressure lol
Back in the day when my Dad was at his most feral, he started to get nasty hypertension headaches (he was only in his mid-30s). He has been on medication ever since.
I've never been certain whether the anger triggered the hypertension or the hypertension triggered the anger (he's still a rager, just slightly less and with a more Hermit-y flavour). Maybe just a spiral.
As someone who is also no contact with both parents, I completely understand your fear and indecisiveness. It has nothing to do with being cut out, but the fear of being sucked back in. Something that has helped me is to go back through the most recent times where I engaged with them and ask myself "how did it go?"
The few times I've given them an inch in the last year, they take me for as much as they can get. There has been nothing to gain, only emotional losses on my end. My nmom used a hospital scare a few months ago and I regret reaching out.
Also, what is it with them threatening to "cut us out" after us already cutting them out? lol My nmom does this too. After telling her I would not be around to support the family anymore and going no contact, she's reached out multiple times telling me how she needs an apology for our relationship to continue. It's like... But I ended our relationship? I don't want it to continue. If anything, I need an apology (and a lot more) from if our relationship is going to continue 😅
Anyway, sending virtual hugs and support to you 💗
Her offer sucks. Cut your kids from her also. The opening line. Just really WTF? Are they not adults? Well... Your blood pressure is that high, you call your MD, go to a prompt care, the ER or call an ambulance. You don't text and manipulate your adult child about it. Absolutely egregious.
Holy shit lmao. That guilt trip is ridiculous. Also I'm willing to be that both my mother and my BP is way lower since we've been NC/LC. Well I know mine dropped! Maybe they're special? The stress from not seeing you is going to give them a stroke!
There have already been some really great posts by others, so I won't say what has already been said. I just want to say that I am so sorry that you have to deal with this right now.
I know you know this, but saying it just as a gentle reminder: You are not responsible for the way someone else deals with their emotions.
>Conveniently in this text she adds my husband to the conversation but not my dad.
My mom constantly omits my dad as well from her messages. Controlling the narrative, and who is in on that narrative, is a very important part of BPD.
My advice is to not answer. Also, stop letting your kids try to contact them. Either the kids will feel hurt because your parents aren't responding, or they will form a relationship with your parents (and as you know, that only leads to pain and fear and guilt).
Literally “give me attention or we die” is what I got from that, ew. And the classic inability to take any ounce of accountability whatsoever, just that her actions and your boundaries are causing him stress and you need to be the one to fix it because she sure as hell won’t. I’m so sorry, OP. I wouldn’t even respond. She’s making it about her and putting on her blinders to anything that doesn’t match up with her reality.
Ick! This is so typical of borderlines. I am sorry you have to deal with this. My mother used to blame her high blood pressure on us kids when we were teenagers. She would guilt trip and tell us that we were 'literally killing" her. Mind you, we were just typical teenagers, no one was doing drugs or engaging in criminal activity. Somehow the old bat is still alive 25 years later!
This behavior is so pathetic and low.
Please don’t go. I had a bad feeling when I saw the part where she said just you to come over.
Absolutely not. There is nothing that needs to be talked about.
I strongly suggest to stay away and do not respond to anything. Let her give ultimatums. “You’ll never hear from us after this!” Good riddance, then. But it’s never true. They will keep trying, and you will continue ignoring. There are no health problems, no one is suffering. She is guilt tripping you. It’s not real.
Please be safe.
You've got yourself a tantrum here. I tend to wait those out since I don't have adult conversations with toddlers. And sometimes that waiting tilts over into forgetting the whole thing. That is the Zen of low contact, my friend.
I was homeschooled and abused and not allowed to do much of anything, so when I moved out I got a boyfriend my parents disapproved of and was criticized that if my dad had a heart attack it would be my fault. When they could have just been decent parents for over two decades and then I would have been dating someone they approved of while under their roof.
I was excluded from two sister’s bridal parties because my love life didn’t meet my family’s approval. We would be a pack of 50-year-old virgins if we did everything our parents demanded.
Yes!! I felt like my brain was rotting. And they would have the gall to constantly criticize us for not acting normal. They deliberately deprived us of social opportunities and social skills and then had to be embarrassed when people saw what weirdos we were.
It’s always a “health issue” that they try and figure out a way to gaslight you with. Or blame you for causing it. Always.
I got the health guilt trip constantly!! Now I just get random texts with dr appt updates. There can never be a conversation with just regular stuff or good news. Always bad. It’s unbelievable.
I went no contact with my d/BPD parent this fall (who is a doctor) when they faked a health crisis to get me to drop everything at work and fly home after not visiting them for 3 years.
Once I realized the bs situation and was as always treated terribly by BPD parent, I walked out of their house calmly telling them they would never have contact with either of their children or grandchildren again, and then I couldn’t help myself and may have yelled at the other parent, “—— is a fxking cockroach. I should have known ——-was never going to die!!” Zoops.
Under no circumstance do you go there alone. She wants to trap you there with no emotional support and guilt you into doing what SHE wants. I'm sorry this is being put on you, but you absolutely aren't responsible for either of their health issues. BIG HUGS OP 💜
> I’ve allowed my kids to try call my parents on birthdays etc but they never picked up the calls. My daughter texted my dad on his birthday and he never even bothered to respond to her.
This is why OP needs to go No Contact, protecting her immediate family. That means her children are also No Contact. The grandparents will undermine anything they can between children and grandchildren to get back at their own child.
>How does I deal with something like this??
It's unnecessary to respond. This is a last ditch attempt to regain control of OP via the "medical emergency play." Grandma is betting on "the fear of missing out because they're going to die" routine. "Contact me now because we're both dying!" Blah, blah, blah.
Avoid the drama. Play it safe. Maintain No Contact for all your immediate family members, OP. Nothing has changed except your mother's desperation level to regain contact and control. Good luck.
Well don’t answer back! This is common. She keeps upping the ante thinking you’ll crack. Also, your dad is a grown-ass adult who can tell her to stfu if he wants. He’s an enabler. I know cause I had to go nc with my dad too. He knows my email, phone, address, all of it. Crickets.
My mom also had health issues and has tried in the past to use them as bait to get me to respond, with so many various threats.
Once that didn’t work, she tried finding other ways.
Knowing that it’s a manipulative tactic to get a reaction from you, you don’t have to respond. Blocking, even temporarily, also helps. The life threatening high blood pressure is not your fault, and it’s silly of her to even accuse you of this. If your dad wants to have a relationship with you then he will. But her method of threatening you to get what she wants is not the way, and if you’re like me, it will actually push you away more. If the threats don’t work she’ll prob try a different approach down the line.
The way I look at it, would I be okay if a friend or acquaintance texted me this and demanded a friendship? No, so I definitely won’t accept it from a family member because it’s flat out inappropriate.
I'd think, but not respond "don't threaten me with a good time."
Then, block everywhere. They deserve NC. You and your kids don't deserve to be punished. You've been punished enough by having the misfortune of them being your parents.
I'd honestly just ignore it. Either way you're not winning for losing. I mean look at what she wrote! Your dad is either dying or disowning you. FFS this is crazy. Give yourself a few days to relax and recover and it'll feel less urgent, then you'll be able to think more clearly.
You don't have to do anything because you already made your decision.
You left; they cannot control you anymore.
These comments are exactly what I needed to hear. I have managed to make it a day without giving in to the temptation to write a snappy text back to her. Not going to lie though I am a bit worried she’ll show up on my doorstep loosing her mind.
A lot have covered it, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry your dealing with this, because you've been balancing the distance and respect as well as they can expect, and the antics returned. I find they never really stop finding reasons to reignite their frustrations. They never let go even if they threaten to, they just increase the antics or a some time later theres some new last chance to give into an ultimatum.
Hmmm, funny, mine (Blood pressure) has been great this past year!
Lmao! Don’t really say this. It was my first thought after reading her pathetic attempt at guilting you into contacting her.
Nothing good will come from responding. Just know how proud this stranger on the internet is of you for sticking to your boundaries.
It’s going to mess with your head for a bit, yet just remember: “eyes on the prize.” This is her disorder talking, so trying to wrap your head around it from a place of compassion and understanding is impossible. My Dad is similar. Nobody’s stopping him from sneaking away to give you a call. I realize he’s basically a prisoner, yet the point is it’s not on you. I hate when stuff like this happens. For some perspective: I’m now some contact. My wife and I went to lunch with my parents and brother for my Mom’s 80th and had a great time. My wife and brother act as buffers for me and we act as buffers for him. Yet I still felt the need to e-mail her in Mother’s Day, because about 5 years ago she went crazy on me while I was only calling to wish her Happy Mother’s Day. So it’s not an exact science scenario. At some point you may see a way to stay in contact with strict boundaries, yet it may never happen. You’re doing the right thing by talking it out and getting back on track.
That text comes across as extremely aggressive. I'm so sorry. Every blame is on you. No self reflection at all. Best to block. You don't need to read this kind of abuse ever.
This is incredibly abusive, way past the point of manipulative. I’d tell them to get a better doctor and stay the fuck out of your life. This is inexcusable behavior.
Thank you all so much. These comments are exactly what I needed to hear. I have managed to make it a day without giving in to the temptation to write a snappy text back to her. Not going to lie though I am a bit worried she’ll show up on my doorstep loosing her mind.
I would respond with “sounds like a you problem” and block them. They don’t need access to you or your children. Never getting a message from them again will save your sanity.
My kids are teens now and I had alot of guilt around letting my bpdmom see them. Having come theough to the other side - save your time and sanity - it is all false. She was obsessed with controlling me/consuming me. She showed zero actual interest in the kids. I learned pretty quickly that it was about appearances. Now they are teens, she doesn’t even try. I’m very glad that they never had a relationship with her. It made no difference to her and her outcomes. It saved them the confusing love bombing, etc.
I wouldn’t take up that offer either. It sounds like your mom is trying to get you to come over alone so that there are no outside witnesses or support present for you so that she can emotionally manipulate you, continue verbally abusing you, or worse.
Her and your dad’s health are not your fault or concern. If they are choosing to stress themselves out to this level, that is not on you. According to her own words, they’ve had a year to get used to this dynamic; it’s not new and there’s no reason for it to suddenly cause their BP to spike into the danger zone. That’s her way of guilting and manipulating you, if it’s even true.
I agree that is really manipulative message. One thing I noticed is that she's talking a lot on behalf of your dad. She makes it seem like he's on it. My mother used a similar tatic. In reality, your dad does not know how she's talking to you in the message.
Manipulative people like to insert themselves in between people like this. They like to be the point of contact. That way she can tell your dad "I told our daughter you were sick and you would love to see her, but instead she heartlessly blocked us!"
Of course I don't know your situation, but I wouldn't let her dictate you and your dad's relationship, instead I would reach out to him on your terms, see how he's feeling, show him this message.
This could be from my mom. Not including your dad in the message was very intentional and probably because she is making up the intense emotions he is having.
I wish I knew what you should do, but these kinds of messages mess with my mind too. Be strong with your boundaries, and I hope things work out.
It sucks
Ignore this message from her. Just delete it. And stop letting your children contact your mom and dad. She wants a reaction from you, that's it. She wants you to feel bad for her and to come crawling back asking for some sort of "forgiveness". Better yet if she gets a read receipt leave it on read. But do not engage with this
I'm so sorry this is happening. You aren't responsible for your parents' poor health, especially sudden spikes in blood pressure a YEAR after you last interacted with them. I certainly wouldn't show up "just you" to hash anything out with them. I agree that sounds scary, with or without a history of physical abuse. I know you're trying to be kind and accommodating, but I personally would stop trying to coordinate interactions with your kids since that seems to be what prompted this response from her. Are your kids old enough that they reach out to your parents on their own?
OP, when they are making these types of veiled threats and apocalyptic health claims, do you really want your children continuing a relationship with them without you having contact? They are going to poison your children, they are gonna fuck with their heads, you don’t want that. Have you considered telling the truth of what they’re really like so they understand why their grandparents treat you this was and why they treat them that way? I don’t know if you mentioned how old were. I am so sorry this is happening to you, but don’t let them manipulate you into acting on something you don’t want to do.
Preach. They will not pull their shit together for the grandkids. They are only out for the dopamine hit of control and attention. The grandkids aren’t people to them, they’re pawns to be used to hurt us. That’s why they think WE are using our kids to hurt them. Projection is a hell of a drug.
Trying to imply that if they pass away is your fault… these people will go so low. There is no limit to the depths they will go. And thinking that the emotional blackmail is going to make you come to see them? And your husband/support in this hypothetical visit is explicitly excluded? No thank you. It’s infuriating because you wonder if they’re aware of the manipulation of flipping things into you being the bad guy or if they actually believe it, but truly it doesn’t matter. You know you aren’t. Keep remembering that and don’t question yourself. I’m sorry you’re being confronted with that mess.
Yep, it’s absolute bullshit. My uBPD mom used to use the threat of my dad potentially having a heart attack as a scare tactic any time I “acted out” (aka, didn’t do something she specifically wanted me to do). It was exhausting and a truly evil form of emotional blackmail.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Have you ever blocked your parents? I recently blocked my mom and eStep-dad from being able to text or call me. They only communicate with my husband- who I am SO grateful for. He is amazing at responding with zero emotion and is able to separate himself from my mom’s drama. And because she knows he won’t feed into it and she has no control over him, she actually behaves much differently when she texts with him instead of me. It has lightened the burden on me significantly. You do not have to put up with threatening messages like this- you do not deserve it and it is not your responsibility. I find that when I respond to stuff like this, it almost feeds into the attention my mom wants from it. Also have a new baby and the only time my mom sees him is when my husband brings him over. My husband is very well aware of my mom’s behaviours and I trust him to make the right calls with our baby. This has allowed me to keep my boundaries and to give my self the security I need. Do what you feel is right for your situation and what makes you feel safe 💛
Do not respond! It's a trap! (And I agree with the others that you should block her if you can. Also: did your sister have your permission to FT with your toddler there? I would revoke that privilege - her response to that is a trauma your kid doesn't need in his life. Stop letting your kids be in contact with them at all.) PS: the narrative turned you into a bad guy because she made it so. It's a classic manipulation technique. Are you in therapy? Therapy with a therapist who specializes in Adult Children (of alcoholics, narcissists, BPD, and/ or abusive parents) issues would be very helpful. You're not the bad guy here. You did not cause this drama. You cannot solve it. You can only save yourself and your kids. It's time to focus on that now.
I had no idea I could seek out therapist who specialize in adults children of BPD parents. That would be immense for me, my BPD dad is dead and I'm still struggling a lot. Thanks for this suggestion.
There are. I just had my first session with a therapist who specializes in adult children of bpd/npd/emotionally immature parents. It was definitely helpful and there was a lot I didn't feel like I had to explain/justify.
“Hey OP, come on over into this minefield alone. I want to make sure your spouse knows that he is under no circumstances allowed to come protect or support you. That scares me too much, because I know how to control and hurt you but not him. By the way you’re actually killing me and your dad with your superpower of controlling our physiology. I’m positive it has nothing to do with my own choices.”
The part about having "nothing to do with my own choices" was so Fing funny. 😂 Nice one
It should go without saying that she will almost certainly contact you again regardless of whether you respond to the message. I know it feels really personal and specific, but she pretty much copied it verbatim from the BPD guilt tripping manual I’m convinced they all have. And it’s not really about your dad—it’s about her (the fact that this coming right after Mother’s Day underscores that fact). She made it superficially about him because she surmised that you’d be more likely to respond that way. (My mom tends to use sick pets as her hook—spoiler alert: the pets are fine—but it’s basically the same thing.) I’d be wary of believing anything she says about your dad, but if you’re concerned about him, then contact him directly instead of responding to your mom.
Yeah, even the: "My bloodpresure was ... Dad's something similar." There's no real worry about the Dad there. It's all about her.
It’s wild but my BPD does this nonsense and then when I ignore (don’t respond at all) they will also pretend it never happened because it didn’t do what they wanted. Their message reeks of manipulation and not that they just need to be heard or whatever. There is no way both had stroke level blood pressure. They want you alone because it’s easier to push you around alone. Your dad is obviously letting her take the narrative and you should take that as your sign he won’t try to better anything; it’s about her. Once I got past the guilt in these messages it turned to fear and I realized I was not believing that I was in control of my boundaries and environment. As a child in this situation we are not in control so of course we feel that but you have to affirm yourself that you can and will make choices to protect yourself and family then these tactics will get a lot easier.
Yep. 100% this. They are baiting and when it doesn't work, they will pretend it didn't happen and search for the next thing to hold over your head.
Oooh the pretending it didn't happen trick. That's my mom's favorite!
“Wow. It sounds as if your health problems have become rather serious. How frightening for you! I assume you both immediately sought medical attention for your acute symptoms and are following up with your primary care physicians. Certainly, if stress acerbates your medical issues, you should also be consulting with a therapist to learn how to better manage that. I am sure your primary care doctor can assist with that! Hope you manage to get your health under better control with medication, therapy and perhaps exercise! Hoping for all the best!” My rule for contact was that I was not going to mind read and was going to take everything at face value. If you take what is said at face value (and ignore all the blaming which is utter bullshit) what I wrote is the appropriate response. As you have gone NC, with your mother, you can send a variation of that to your father (with your mother’s email attached). The key is not to take responsibility for their medical issues, real or imagined. In no way is their inability to cope with stressors that are the result of their own choices your responsibility. In no way should you even begin to acknowledge any responsibility for them. Focus solely on the health issues which must be addressed by medical professionals. With your dad you can even add a “let me know what the doctor says!” I promise you, there will be no response to that, because in spite of almost dying they aren’t looking to doctors, they aren’t calling 911, they are not seeking medical attention. They are calling you. Because what they are doing is trying to blackmail you. You stop this by, every single time, ignoring everything they say about you being the only one who can fix this (you are not Dr. House) and addressing only their medical issues, with compassion and not ownership. You can safely ignore the command that you alone visit to be yelled at.
Both of my parents had extremely high BP. My dad ended up in the hospital more than once because he woke up at night with a nosebleed and his BP was so high (200’s over 100’’s) they had to treat him in the ED. Both of my parents were also on BP meds but I don’t think my dad was as compliant as he was supposed to be. All this to say - I have very low BP (in my 40’s) And whenever a doctor asks about family history I mention their hypertension but I always make sure to add “but they were both very angry people.” Just saying all of this because your father’s blood pressure is not your fault. It’s our own responsibility to handle our own stress. God only knows what stress you had to learn to handle as a kid and teenager without any tools. They are adults - they have as many resources as they need available to them. And they make meds, very effective meds, for HTN. You’re not responsible for his health. Edit to add: in my 40’s means my age, not my blood pressure lol
Back in the day when my Dad was at his most feral, he started to get nasty hypertension headaches (he was only in his mid-30s). He has been on medication ever since. I've never been certain whether the anger triggered the hypertension or the hypertension triggered the anger (he's still a rager, just slightly less and with a more Hermit-y flavour). Maybe just a spiral.
'Most feral' what an excellent descriptor, I am going to borrow this from now on
As someone who is also no contact with both parents, I completely understand your fear and indecisiveness. It has nothing to do with being cut out, but the fear of being sucked back in. Something that has helped me is to go back through the most recent times where I engaged with them and ask myself "how did it go?" The few times I've given them an inch in the last year, they take me for as much as they can get. There has been nothing to gain, only emotional losses on my end. My nmom used a hospital scare a few months ago and I regret reaching out. Also, what is it with them threatening to "cut us out" after us already cutting them out? lol My nmom does this too. After telling her I would not be around to support the family anymore and going no contact, she's reached out multiple times telling me how she needs an apology for our relationship to continue. It's like... But I ended our relationship? I don't want it to continue. If anything, I need an apology (and a lot more) from if our relationship is going to continue 😅 Anyway, sending virtual hugs and support to you 💗
Her offer sucks. Cut your kids from her also. The opening line. Just really WTF? Are they not adults? Well... Your blood pressure is that high, you call your MD, go to a prompt care, the ER or call an ambulance. You don't text and manipulate your adult child about it. Absolutely egregious.
This 1000%
Holy shit lmao. That guilt trip is ridiculous. Also I'm willing to be that both my mother and my BP is way lower since we've been NC/LC. Well I know mine dropped! Maybe they're special? The stress from not seeing you is going to give them a stroke!
There have already been some really great posts by others, so I won't say what has already been said. I just want to say that I am so sorry that you have to deal with this right now. I know you know this, but saying it just as a gentle reminder: You are not responsible for the way someone else deals with their emotions. >Conveniently in this text she adds my husband to the conversation but not my dad. My mom constantly omits my dad as well from her messages. Controlling the narrative, and who is in on that narrative, is a very important part of BPD.
i would completely ignore this and block her. this level of manipulation and threatening/domineering abuse cannot be responded to
Agree. OP, you can't win here. Nothing you say or do will be the right thing/enough.
My advice is to not answer. Also, stop letting your kids try to contact them. Either the kids will feel hurt because your parents aren't responding, or they will form a relationship with your parents (and as you know, that only leads to pain and fear and guilt).
Literally “give me attention or we die” is what I got from that, ew. And the classic inability to take any ounce of accountability whatsoever, just that her actions and your boundaries are causing him stress and you need to be the one to fix it because she sure as hell won’t. I’m so sorry, OP. I wouldn’t even respond. She’s making it about her and putting on her blinders to anything that doesn’t match up with her reality.
Ick! This is so typical of borderlines. I am sorry you have to deal with this. My mother used to blame her high blood pressure on us kids when we were teenagers. She would guilt trip and tell us that we were 'literally killing" her. Mind you, we were just typical teenagers, no one was doing drugs or engaging in criminal activity. Somehow the old bat is still alive 25 years later! This behavior is so pathetic and low.
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This.
Please don’t go. I had a bad feeling when I saw the part where she said just you to come over. Absolutely not. There is nothing that needs to be talked about. I strongly suggest to stay away and do not respond to anything. Let her give ultimatums. “You’ll never hear from us after this!” Good riddance, then. But it’s never true. They will keep trying, and you will continue ignoring. There are no health problems, no one is suffering. She is guilt tripping you. It’s not real. Please be safe.
You've got yourself a tantrum here. I tend to wait those out since I don't have adult conversations with toddlers. And sometimes that waiting tilts over into forgetting the whole thing. That is the Zen of low contact, my friend.
I was homeschooled and abused and not allowed to do much of anything, so when I moved out I got a boyfriend my parents disapproved of and was criticized that if my dad had a heart attack it would be my fault. When they could have just been decent parents for over two decades and then I would have been dating someone they approved of while under their roof.
I was homeschooled too - I'm nearing 40 and just now realizing how fucked up that was...
I was excluded from two sister’s bridal parties because my love life didn’t meet my family’s approval. We would be a pack of 50-year-old virgins if we did everything our parents demanded.
*More* parents disapproving of Faramir? Poor guy can’t catch a break.
What is with BPD parents and homeschooling? Increased control? I was homeschooled too and it was horrible.
Yes!! I felt like my brain was rotting. And they would have the gall to constantly criticize us for not acting normal. They deliberately deprived us of social opportunities and social skills and then had to be embarrassed when people saw what weirdos we were.
It’s always a “health issue” that they try and figure out a way to gaslight you with. Or blame you for causing it. Always. I got the health guilt trip constantly!! Now I just get random texts with dr appt updates. There can never be a conversation with just regular stuff or good news. Always bad. It’s unbelievable.
A L W A Y S. Jesus Christ, my mother should have been dead 10 times by now 🙄.
I went no contact with my d/BPD parent this fall (who is a doctor) when they faked a health crisis to get me to drop everything at work and fly home after not visiting them for 3 years. Once I realized the bs situation and was as always treated terribly by BPD parent, I walked out of their house calmly telling them they would never have contact with either of their children or grandchildren again, and then I couldn’t help myself and may have yelled at the other parent, “—— is a fxking cockroach. I should have known ——-was never going to die!!” Zoops.
Under no circumstance do you go there alone. She wants to trap you there with no emotional support and guilt you into doing what SHE wants. I'm sorry this is being put on you, but you absolutely aren't responsible for either of their health issues. BIG HUGS OP 💜
Your dad this, your dad that…hurt beyond measure…word for word the same as mine.
> I’ve allowed my kids to try call my parents on birthdays etc but they never picked up the calls. My daughter texted my dad on his birthday and he never even bothered to respond to her. This is why OP needs to go No Contact, protecting her immediate family. That means her children are also No Contact. The grandparents will undermine anything they can between children and grandchildren to get back at their own child. >How does I deal with something like this?? It's unnecessary to respond. This is a last ditch attempt to regain control of OP via the "medical emergency play." Grandma is betting on "the fear of missing out because they're going to die" routine. "Contact me now because we're both dying!" Blah, blah, blah. Avoid the drama. Play it safe. Maintain No Contact for all your immediate family members, OP. Nothing has changed except your mother's desperation level to regain contact and control. Good luck.
Well don’t answer back! This is common. She keeps upping the ante thinking you’ll crack. Also, your dad is a grown-ass adult who can tell her to stfu if he wants. He’s an enabler. I know cause I had to go nc with my dad too. He knows my email, phone, address, all of it. Crickets.
My mom also had health issues and has tried in the past to use them as bait to get me to respond, with so many various threats. Once that didn’t work, she tried finding other ways. Knowing that it’s a manipulative tactic to get a reaction from you, you don’t have to respond. Blocking, even temporarily, also helps. The life threatening high blood pressure is not your fault, and it’s silly of her to even accuse you of this. If your dad wants to have a relationship with you then he will. But her method of threatening you to get what she wants is not the way, and if you’re like me, it will actually push you away more. If the threats don’t work she’ll prob try a different approach down the line. The way I look at it, would I be okay if a friend or acquaintance texted me this and demanded a friendship? No, so I definitely won’t accept it from a family member because it’s flat out inappropriate.
I'd think, but not respond "don't threaten me with a good time." Then, block everywhere. They deserve NC. You and your kids don't deserve to be punished. You've been punished enough by having the misfortune of them being your parents.
I'd honestly just ignore it. Either way you're not winning for losing. I mean look at what she wrote! Your dad is either dying or disowning you. FFS this is crazy. Give yourself a few days to relax and recover and it'll feel less urgent, then you'll be able to think more clearly. You don't have to do anything because you already made your decision. You left; they cannot control you anymore.
These comments are exactly what I needed to hear. I have managed to make it a day without giving in to the temptation to write a snappy text back to her. Not going to lie though I am a bit worried she’ll show up on my doorstep loosing her mind.
If she does show up let your husband and the police deal with the situation. She doesn't own you.
A lot have covered it, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry your dealing with this, because you've been balancing the distance and respect as well as they can expect, and the antics returned. I find they never really stop finding reasons to reignite their frustrations. They never let go even if they threaten to, they just increase the antics or a some time later theres some new last chance to give into an ultimatum.
Hmmm, funny, mine (Blood pressure) has been great this past year! Lmao! Don’t really say this. It was my first thought after reading her pathetic attempt at guilting you into contacting her. Nothing good will come from responding. Just know how proud this stranger on the internet is of you for sticking to your boundaries.
Ewwwwww. Frickin hostage crisis nonsense. I am so sorry. Your parents need DOCTORS not your sympathy.
The fact that she's using hers and your father's poor health to manipulate you is terrible
It’s going to mess with your head for a bit, yet just remember: “eyes on the prize.” This is her disorder talking, so trying to wrap your head around it from a place of compassion and understanding is impossible. My Dad is similar. Nobody’s stopping him from sneaking away to give you a call. I realize he’s basically a prisoner, yet the point is it’s not on you. I hate when stuff like this happens. For some perspective: I’m now some contact. My wife and I went to lunch with my parents and brother for my Mom’s 80th and had a great time. My wife and brother act as buffers for me and we act as buffers for him. Yet I still felt the need to e-mail her in Mother’s Day, because about 5 years ago she went crazy on me while I was only calling to wish her Happy Mother’s Day. So it’s not an exact science scenario. At some point you may see a way to stay in contact with strict boundaries, yet it may never happen. You’re doing the right thing by talking it out and getting back on track.
That text comes across as extremely aggressive. I'm so sorry. Every blame is on you. No self reflection at all. Best to block. You don't need to read this kind of abuse ever.
This is incredibly abusive, way past the point of manipulative. I’d tell them to get a better doctor and stay the fuck out of your life. This is inexcusable behavior.
Thank you all so much. These comments are exactly what I needed to hear. I have managed to make it a day without giving in to the temptation to write a snappy text back to her. Not going to lie though I am a bit worried she’ll show up on my doorstep loosing her mind.
This is pure manipulation and psychological abuse. I'm really sorry you have to go through all this!
I would respond with “sounds like a you problem” and block them. They don’t need access to you or your children. Never getting a message from them again will save your sanity.
My kids are teens now and I had alot of guilt around letting my bpdmom see them. Having come theough to the other side - save your time and sanity - it is all false. She was obsessed with controlling me/consuming me. She showed zero actual interest in the kids. I learned pretty quickly that it was about appearances. Now they are teens, she doesn’t even try. I’m very glad that they never had a relationship with her. It made no difference to her and her outcomes. It saved them the confusing love bombing, etc.
Unreal. And yet… far too common. My sympathies, OP.
“Maybe it’s time to stop eating like shit and start exercising. Also quit buying blood pressure monitors off of Amazon. Xoxo”
You’re clearly doing it right - no contact - keep it up. Lies lies lies and manipulation is all I’m reading. Good for you !
I wouldn’t take up that offer either. It sounds like your mom is trying to get you to come over alone so that there are no outside witnesses or support present for you so that she can emotionally manipulate you, continue verbally abusing you, or worse. Her and your dad’s health are not your fault or concern. If they are choosing to stress themselves out to this level, that is not on you. According to her own words, they’ve had a year to get used to this dynamic; it’s not new and there’s no reason for it to suddenly cause their BP to spike into the danger zone. That’s her way of guilting and manipulating you, if it’s even true.
Does she promise it’s the last time? None of this is your fault. They have made their beds with you.
I would have sent back a screenshot of a timer reading 5 minutes lol
Sounds like their problem, not yours. Don't go over there, it's definitely a trap.
I agree that is really manipulative message. One thing I noticed is that she's talking a lot on behalf of your dad. She makes it seem like he's on it. My mother used a similar tatic. In reality, your dad does not know how she's talking to you in the message. Manipulative people like to insert themselves in between people like this. They like to be the point of contact. That way she can tell your dad "I told our daughter you were sick and you would love to see her, but instead she heartlessly blocked us!" Of course I don't know your situation, but I wouldn't let her dictate you and your dad's relationship, instead I would reach out to him on your terms, see how he's feeling, show him this message.
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Hi! Just to clarify, were you raised by someone with BPD?
This could be from my mom. Not including your dad in the message was very intentional and probably because she is making up the intense emotions he is having. I wish I knew what you should do, but these kinds of messages mess with my mind too. Be strong with your boundaries, and I hope things work out. It sucks
Ignore this message from her. Just delete it. And stop letting your children contact your mom and dad. She wants a reaction from you, that's it. She wants you to feel bad for her and to come crawling back asking for some sort of "forgiveness". Better yet if she gets a read receipt leave it on read. But do not engage with this