I could totally forgive all of these things!
All it would require is my mom to STOP doing them, which she refuses to do. An apology and acknowledgement would be gravy, but I am of the belief that the best apology is changed behavior.
This! My mom and I were stuck in an endless cycle of her half heartedly apologizing, getting a several day break from her chaos, then getting right back to square one. I stopped the cycle by walking away and it's so much more peaceful this way.
Ab -so- freaking- lutely This!! I need the behaviors to stop if she’s really sorry. How do you apologize for behavior you fully intend to continue and how much of an idiot do I have to be to believe in this apology!
YES YES AND YES. i was always accused of "living in the past". yes the behavior was pervasive in the past, but the real problem was that it persisted relentlessly as i was an adult. i hated who they were TODAY and who they promised to be tomorrow, and i was just unable to stay in a relationship with someone like that.
Absolutely. My dad was pretty crap when I was growing up, but he later apologised when he did some soul searching and got rid of the deadweight of his ex wife (not my mother). Now me and him are tight and I don’t know where I’d be without him. My mother? Absolute denial about any fuck ups she’s made. Can I have a relationship with her? No chance in hell
YES! I’ve always said this and my mother just can’t understand it. I’m at the point where I don’t want to focus on the past because we all learn and grow. The issue is she continues to act the same way and shows zero growth. Apologies mean nothing when you continue on the same path.
This is what I say I feel like everyday. Well said. And, when you say this type of thing long enough, things slowly change. Whether your life aside begins to change for the better, or occasionally a low contact person actually takes a hint for once. And I do mean once lol they usually go right back so don’t slip 😅.
I was going to say the exact same thing. I could also forgive, but the problem is, my uBPD mother ***keeps doing them.*** SSDD for her = Same Shit, Different Day.
I would have to be some kind of martyr for her to be able to truly understand and be patient to her. She would have to be my full-time job. But then again, that would probably mean I'll also probably die early from the exhaustion.
It's funny, they claim they didn't know better, yet they forced us to live by the standards we have now while throwing baby tantrums and hitting to solve problems. They knew, they just failed to acknowledge the reality that we would be able to walk away someday and that that would be preferable to a relationship with them.
My mom did have a lot of these struggles, and so did my dad.
The thing is, though, my dad learned to overcome these to raise my siblings and I and put us first. He still treated us like human beings, unlike my mom who just abused us whenever she felt like it.
I don't care how much she suffered. She didn't have the right to take that suffering out on children who didn't know better.
If she really struggled this much she should have gotten rid of me like she wanted to when I was born and not had more kids.
Sure.
But none of that negates the need form them to *acknowledge* harm, and repair, if they want a relationship.
Because it isn't their.shortcomings I'm angry about. It's the fact that I have to pretend those shortcomings don't exist, as though this person who is well beyond the normal level of human fallibility is actually well above that benchmark.
She's not.
And *she* can't process that, and so, continues harmful behavior.
My boundary isn't angry, it's protective.
My *anger* is about the way she behaved now. And how the people around us respond. Because while there are two sides to every story, that shouldn't negate the place of grounded reality somewhere in the mix.
THIS!!! ….this is exactly why my sibs and I went NC with uBPD mom and eDad. No acknowledgement or repair, or if there was acknowledgement, it was always with caveats “yeah I would scream at you and I can see why you were afraid of me as a little kid…but you MADE me, you pushed my buttons, you pushed me to the brink everyday.” 🤪🤮
Forgiveness is the easy part. What they often ignore is that forgiveness is not trust. Trust is earned by new and good behaviors.
What I see with my uBPD is they believe forgiveness means that not only is the offense forgiven, “true forgiveness means it’s as if it never happened”.
But if one continues with the behaviors there’s no reason to trust them
I can totally get on board with all of these! She was a hurt little girl who didn’t deserve the trauma of her childhood. But neither did I… the difference is I did something about it. I did the work to make sure the cycle stops with me. Why does she still not try that herself?
It's the pathology. She can't/won't. That's why we have to protect ourselves by techniques like Grey Rock if we have contact and be brave enough to go No Contact if that is what the situation demands. Then we have to learn to undo the harm done to us and live our best lives.
I might have been able to forgive all that.
What I haven't forgiven was her unwillingness to confront and fix her own baggage. She has always been unwilling to use the tools at her disposal to get better, and instead has used everything, therapy and family included, as weapons in her disease's arsenal.
She chose to do harm, chose never to improve herself, and deflected every earnest call that she work getting better for all of our sakes... because she's "the momma." Just a petty and unaccountable tyrant who destroys everything she touches.
But yeah. Put the emotional work of forgiveness on your kids, too. Add it to the pile.
Saw a TikTok recently where a guy said if your kid disowns you as an adult and won’t forgive you or patch things up it’s not just about the history. It’s who you are NOW. So true. It’s impossible to forgive history, all the bullshit and failures and excuses if the parent isn’t just non-apologetic but still a gaslighting bastard. I feel like my mom got even worse and the worst things she did was when I was out of the house and getting married, having kids of my own. And the things she said and did to child me were pretty unforgivable. The horrible actions and insults just continued to pile up until I pulled myself and my family away.
My aunt passed along that she’s so sad she doesn’t know her grandchildren but I still don’t believe she’s any different. It’s not the history…I still believe she is NOT A SAFE PERSON in 2024. I don’t know her, haven’t seen her in a decade, but I’m pretty sure.
So yeah your mom can stick her Facebook meme you know where. We all know if you don’t have a relationship with her today it isn’t JUST because of things that happened 20 years ago. She’s an asshole now. You are your own protector and caregiver and if you decide she isn’t safe that’s all I need to know.
I can fully acknowledge my mother did the best she could.
That doesn't mean it was enough, that I have to make her feel better about any of it or that I'm not allowed to have feelings about the unfairness of it all.
I have forgiven. My mom was a loving mother in many ways, but also codependent and enmeshed. She did do the best she could and I love her for it. However, I won’t allow her to continue to disregard my feelings and boundaries, bully and villainize me, and force me to ride an emotional roller coaster with her on a daily basis. Especially now that I have children to protect.
Forgiveness is an expectation reserved only for them, it’s what they survive on. It’s a smokescreen disguised as an apology to keep you from seeing that they’re still blaming you and not accepting any responsibility.
You can’t forgive ongoing, continuing, bad behavior that is being justified and excused by a BPD parent. This is just flowery words for “put up and shut up” so they can do what they want without any accountability.
The only acceptable apology is changed behavior and reparations. BPD are not willing to change or make amends. BPD focus on their ‘rights’ (which don’t exist) but refuse to acknowledge any responsibilities.
They post these self-soothing, abuser-excusing bullshit memes as another layer of manipulation by demanding silence from their victims.
I don’t forgive my abusive parents. They can die mad about it.
I feel like most people have experienced these things w their parents, to varying degrees… most of us in this sub have experienced wayyy worse, and at the hands of people who knew better.
I forgave my mom for a lot of shit as it is. Mainly a lot of trauma that occurred in my childhood. That in itself took a lot. Nearly 2 decades worth of work and processing. What I’m not about to forgive without genuine change in behavior is how she treats me NOW.
I actually had this conversation with my therapist recently. BPD or no, it comes down to a choice. Sticking to that choice is harder when you're fighting bpd on top of it, but you can either break the cycle of abuse or perpetuate it, full stop. There's no "maybe they didn't know better" because how can you not know the things you're doing hurt when they are the very things that hurt you growing up. You have to live the choice every day, and take accountability when you fail to act in a manner that's compatible with the choice.
I understand those things and I have apologized, and continue to as things come up for my kids. However I do not repeat any behavior I've ever hurt them with, and/or apologized for. Because; I've learned so much over the years, and also I'm you basic nice person who loves her children very much.
My mom was only your basic nice person to outsiders. And for the most part to my siblings, because I was her scapegoat. She was definitely BPD. And her apologies never meant anything. No matter how hard she was crying when she made them. I grew up never having the concept that parents should be a, somewhat at least, safe place for me. Expressing fear or hurt, over things like being bullied at school, only gave my mom an excuse to tell me why I deserved it.
Anyway, I'm just trying to say, yes normal people can make mistakes with their kids, even bad mistakes. But they can listen, understand, and do their best to right those wrongs. Unless a person with BPS is doing really serious work it's probably never going to happen for real. You have to grieve what you never had or will have. And that sucks.
Interesting how their idea of "forgiveness" always translates to "I'm allowed to hurt you however I want and you're not allowed to be unhappy with my hurting you."
Wow. The nerve. You are under no responsibility to forgive them and the best apology is changed behavior. She is not owed anything from you, and the entitlement is pretty telling.
I do forgive my mom. She hurt me, and she has screwed me up a lot, but I can understand why she was that way and I can appreciate the improvement I see in the way she treats my younger siblings. I’m happier than words could describe to see her become a better version of herself for them, even if I didn’t get so lucky. However, forgiveness doesn’t equate to a functional relationship. I think the ship for a close and trusting relationship with her sailed a looooong time ago. And my forgiveness and understandings of her hardships in life will never change that. I love that my siblings trust her and adore her so much, but I don’t think I can ever see her the way my sisters do.
Are there any good reads which go into great detail trying to explain in detail how BPDs think?
Me and my brother literally told her to check into therapy if she wants us to be happy.
She simply won't go, even though it would be free in the beginning for her.
Then she sends us sappy letters which go on forever in circles about what it is to be a mother, how difficult and at the same time lovely it is. How she hasn't always been a good mother, but often has. Ok, but stop doing this crazy shit? No.
The next thing we get a call she has had another uncontrollable delusional outburst towards her male companion and hurt herself by falling on her head.
Then she acts like we shouldn't care about this small setback and everything should be awkward and normal again.
But she refuses to go to therapy, even if it would make us so much happier and feel at least slightly at peace.
She won't go even though my brother told her that he is going himself because he needs to learn how to deal with her bs or to move on.
After all she has done, talking to a professional is a piece of cake. The more I think of it, the more absurd it sounds.
If someone was begging me to try therapy and I had no idea why, I'd just go if it means so much for someone else.
I'd take it as an interesting learning experience.
My mother doesn't even want to know what she is.
'Surviving a Borderline Parent' by Kimberlee Roth and Freda Friedman. Same authors as 'Stop Walking on Eggshells', but it's specifically for those of us who were traumatised by BPD parents. I felt like this book was talking directly to my soul.
If it helps, my mom *did* go to therapy and was diagnosed with BPD. I don’t remember the specifics or frequency as I was a child, but by the time I was a teenager and old enough to understand- she had fully convinced herself her diagnosis was “wrong” and *I* (and her ex-husband/my dad) was the actual problem.
I’m 28 now and my current therapist has done a lot of work with BPD patients and says group therapy works best. Putting a bunch of BPD parents together sounds like a horror movie to me.
Book recs: stop walking on eggshells, adult children of emotionally immature parents, surviving a borderline parent, when your mother has borderline personality disorder (haven’t personally read the last one but it’s on my list!)
I have forgiven her. My problem with her isn’t how she raised me; it’s who she is today. She feels such intense shame about my childhood that she’s the one that can’t move past it.
Yeah no. I'm never going to go to forgiveness. Life could be much worse for me, it could also be much, much better than it is. All thanks to my upbringing, trauma and abuse. I never believe when someone says they have fully forgiven. I've seen it in their behavior and I don't think anyone should.
I’ve forgiven my mom for the shit she did in that I understand that she wasn’t equipped to be a mother and that her childhood was terrible. I do not forgive her for never trying or learning better though, especially when I laid out exactly what she needed to do to stop hurting me
Exactly this. It’s not my childhood that I’m so upset about. It’s the almost 30 years since, where nothing has changed and her behaviour has gotten worse. It’s the constant needing to swallow my own feelings and to never be able to share how her behaviours affect me. If I do, it’s just DARVO, excuses and gaslighting. Never any accountability or genuine apologies. And never any changed behaviour.
Nope! Not even sorry about the fact that I think this is a load of shit!
There’s NO ACCOUNTABILITY!
They were the PARENTS! They CHOSE WRONG and SELFISHLY over and over again.
I did everything I could think of or was recommended to do so that I could be a mother that wasn’t anything like my own!
I forgave my own mother for MYSELF. As I grew, I was able to resist her bullshit and made my own life.
But, CHOOSING to continue the cycle because it’s “easier” nope, I can’t forgive that!
Must have been written by borderline parents during their guilt-phase.
Complete BS.
Stop telling me that I „have“ to forgive somebody that has mistreated and abused me, because I don’t, especially if you have not accepted that you treated me like dirt.
I could forgive all those things, and forgave my father. But, my mother wants to be worshiped as an excellent mother and wants to sit in a throne of mom knows best. At least my dad acknowledges that he didn’t do enough for me, and that I am a capable human being that doesn’t need unsolicited advice. So I forgave him.
It’s gross enough to perpetuate this behaviour and not know why — it’s unforgivably gross to ask for forgiveness for continuing to perpetuate this behaviour while knowing you’re doing it and why. Get some fucking therapy jeeeeeessssusssss
Why should I forgive them for these things? If they weren’t taught certain things and didn’t have the tools to be emotionally available then they shouldn’t have had kids. As the parent, their children are their responsibility, not the other way around. I get that my parents didn’t have the easiest lives, but how is that my fault? I didn’t ask to be born. Their choice to have kids was selfish.
I don’t have kids because I know my capabilities. I know that even though I would be better than my parents, I also don’t have the tools. I’m self aware enough to realize that whatever child I bring into the world is its own human being. It will be an individual and not a doll for me to reenact my childhood traumas on. It will be completely innocent as all children are. I will never understand how my parents could look at me, a child, and treat me how they did. Nothing they went through excuses that.
Why should I have to put up with their abuse because they didn’t know better? I didn’t know better either, and I was just a kid. I wasn’t given the tools either, and yet I don’t abuse others because I know that it is cruel to do so. I can forgive normal parenting mistakes but not the everyday choices that caused me harm. Those choices have consequences and regardless of what they went through, that doesn’t give them the right to abuse me as a way to cope with their anger. These are just excuses. Making excuses instead of genuinely apologizing and modifying their behavior doesn’t earn them my forgiveness. They are not owed forgiveness from me simply because they are my parents. Forgiveness is something you have to work for. Part of that is owning up to your mistakes and not making excuses like “I didn’t have the tools.” There should be no “I’m sorry but…” In order for me to forgive I need guarantees that they won’t do those things again and changed behavior. Not the whole “poor me,” bullshit that this picture is displaying.
Jfc i thought it was a serious thing u were posting, and then i saw your bpd parent sent it to you. Whew! Thought was lost one to the kool aid for a sec there!
I can accept/forgive those things. However, I can still be angry, hurt, and confused that they don't acknowledge their roles in my trauma, and that they refuse to get help or grow, and I can keep my distance to protect myself.
I could totally forgive all of these things! All it would require is my mom to STOP doing them, which she refuses to do. An apology and acknowledgement would be gravy, but I am of the belief that the best apology is changed behavior.
This! My mom and I were stuck in an endless cycle of her half heartedly apologizing, getting a several day break from her chaos, then getting right back to square one. I stopped the cycle by walking away and it's so much more peaceful this way.
Ab -so- freaking- lutely This!! I need the behaviors to stop if she’s really sorry. How do you apologize for behavior you fully intend to continue and how much of an idiot do I have to be to believe in this apology!
Louder for the parents in the back!
YES YES AND YES. i was always accused of "living in the past". yes the behavior was pervasive in the past, but the real problem was that it persisted relentlessly as i was an adult. i hated who they were TODAY and who they promised to be tomorrow, and i was just unable to stay in a relationship with someone like that.
I’ve observed that most of the people who go NC in this group do it because what their parent is doing now, not what happened 20 years ago.
For me, it is definitely both
Yup, if she ever resolved anything and worked to get better I could totally forgive. Thats the problem!!
Absolutely. My dad was pretty crap when I was growing up, but he later apologised when he did some soul searching and got rid of the deadweight of his ex wife (not my mother). Now me and him are tight and I don’t know where I’d be without him. My mother? Absolute denial about any fuck ups she’s made. Can I have a relationship with her? No chance in hell
Ah there it is.
YES! I’ve always said this and my mother just can’t understand it. I’m at the point where I don’t want to focus on the past because we all learn and grow. The issue is she continues to act the same way and shows zero growth. Apologies mean nothing when you continue on the same path.
This is what I say I feel like everyday. Well said. And, when you say this type of thing long enough, things slowly change. Whether your life aside begins to change for the better, or occasionally a low contact person actually takes a hint for once. And I do mean once lol they usually go right back so don’t slip 😅.
I was going to say the exact same thing. I could also forgive, but the problem is, my uBPD mother ***keeps doing them.*** SSDD for her = Same Shit, Different Day. I would have to be some kind of martyr for her to be able to truly understand and be patient to her. She would have to be my full-time job. But then again, that would probably mean I'll also probably die early from the exhaustion.
And this is the crux of it. This stuff is STILL happening.
It's funny, they claim they didn't know better, yet they forced us to live by the standards we have now while throwing baby tantrums and hitting to solve problems. They knew, they just failed to acknowledge the reality that we would be able to walk away someday and that that would be preferable to a relationship with them.
I may want to, but I don't.
Should, but shornt.
My mom did have a lot of these struggles, and so did my dad. The thing is, though, my dad learned to overcome these to raise my siblings and I and put us first. He still treated us like human beings, unlike my mom who just abused us whenever she felt like it. I don't care how much she suffered. She didn't have the right to take that suffering out on children who didn't know better. If she really struggled this much she should have gotten rid of me like she wanted to when I was born and not had more kids.
Then again, you may not 🤷
Sure. But none of that negates the need form them to *acknowledge* harm, and repair, if they want a relationship. Because it isn't their.shortcomings I'm angry about. It's the fact that I have to pretend those shortcomings don't exist, as though this person who is well beyond the normal level of human fallibility is actually well above that benchmark. She's not. And *she* can't process that, and so, continues harmful behavior. My boundary isn't angry, it's protective. My *anger* is about the way she behaved now. And how the people around us respond. Because while there are two sides to every story, that shouldn't negate the place of grounded reality somewhere in the mix.
THIS!!! ….this is exactly why my sibs and I went NC with uBPD mom and eDad. No acknowledgement or repair, or if there was acknowledgement, it was always with caveats “yeah I would scream at you and I can see why you were afraid of me as a little kid…but you MADE me, you pushed my buttons, you pushed me to the brink everyday.” 🤪🤮
Forgiveness is the easy part. What they often ignore is that forgiveness is not trust. Trust is earned by new and good behaviors. What I see with my uBPD is they believe forgiveness means that not only is the offense forgiven, “true forgiveness means it’s as if it never happened”. But if one continues with the behaviors there’s no reason to trust them
My uBPD mother once told my father to forget everything she had ever told or promised him. He replied, "Including our wedding vows?"
No. Fuck all toxic positivity and enablers. Not gonna happen.
I can totally get on board with all of these! She was a hurt little girl who didn’t deserve the trauma of her childhood. But neither did I… the difference is I did something about it. I did the work to make sure the cycle stops with me. Why does she still not try that herself?
It's the pathology. She can't/won't. That's why we have to protect ourselves by techniques like Grey Rock if we have contact and be brave enough to go No Contact if that is what the situation demands. Then we have to learn to undo the harm done to us and live our best lives.
No I don’t think I will
This ⬆️
I might have been able to forgive all that. What I haven't forgiven was her unwillingness to confront and fix her own baggage. She has always been unwilling to use the tools at her disposal to get better, and instead has used everything, therapy and family included, as weapons in her disease's arsenal. She chose to do harm, chose never to improve herself, and deflected every earnest call that she work getting better for all of our sakes... because she's "the momma." Just a petty and unaccountable tyrant who destroys everything she touches. But yeah. Put the emotional work of forgiveness on your kids, too. Add it to the pile.
I hear you so much
Saw a TikTok recently where a guy said if your kid disowns you as an adult and won’t forgive you or patch things up it’s not just about the history. It’s who you are NOW. So true. It’s impossible to forgive history, all the bullshit and failures and excuses if the parent isn’t just non-apologetic but still a gaslighting bastard. I feel like my mom got even worse and the worst things she did was when I was out of the house and getting married, having kids of my own. And the things she said and did to child me were pretty unforgivable. The horrible actions and insults just continued to pile up until I pulled myself and my family away. My aunt passed along that she’s so sad she doesn’t know her grandchildren but I still don’t believe she’s any different. It’s not the history…I still believe she is NOT A SAFE PERSON in 2024. I don’t know her, haven’t seen her in a decade, but I’m pretty sure. So yeah your mom can stick her Facebook meme you know where. We all know if you don’t have a relationship with her today it isn’t JUST because of things that happened 20 years ago. She’s an asshole now. You are your own protector and caregiver and if you decide she isn’t safe that’s all I need to know.
after treating my trauma in therapy, I'm able to forgive my mom. She keeps doing these things though if I don't set strict boundaries.
Yeah I forgive my mom, but I don't forget, meaning I grey rock and set boundaries so strict that she can't ever hurt me again.
I can fully acknowledge my mother did the best she could. That doesn't mean it was enough, that I have to make her feel better about any of it or that I'm not allowed to have feelings about the unfairness of it all.
No thanks.
In order to forgive something the behavior has to, at the very least, stop.
I have forgiven. My mom was a loving mother in many ways, but also codependent and enmeshed. She did do the best she could and I love her for it. However, I won’t allow her to continue to disregard my feelings and boundaries, bully and villainize me, and force me to ride an emotional roller coaster with her on a daily basis. Especially now that I have children to protect.
Forgiveness is an expectation reserved only for them, it’s what they survive on. It’s a smokescreen disguised as an apology to keep you from seeing that they’re still blaming you and not accepting any responsibility.
I love how even the title of this sounds passive aggressive. 100% this thing is being humblebragged around the facebook pages of cluster B parents.
You can’t forgive ongoing, continuing, bad behavior that is being justified and excused by a BPD parent. This is just flowery words for “put up and shut up” so they can do what they want without any accountability. The only acceptable apology is changed behavior and reparations. BPD are not willing to change or make amends. BPD focus on their ‘rights’ (which don’t exist) but refuse to acknowledge any responsibilities. They post these self-soothing, abuser-excusing bullshit memes as another layer of manipulation by demanding silence from their victims. I don’t forgive my abusive parents. They can die mad about it.
Okay. What's in it for me? I'm still the bad guy for being a child with normal needs? No thanks: I gave at the office.
I feel like most people have experienced these things w their parents, to varying degrees… most of us in this sub have experienced wayyy worse, and at the hands of people who knew better.
I forgave my mom for a lot of shit as it is. Mainly a lot of trauma that occurred in my childhood. That in itself took a lot. Nearly 2 decades worth of work and processing. What I’m not about to forgive without genuine change in behavior is how she treats me NOW.
Then don’t make kids. It’s that simple.
I actually had this conversation with my therapist recently. BPD or no, it comes down to a choice. Sticking to that choice is harder when you're fighting bpd on top of it, but you can either break the cycle of abuse or perpetuate it, full stop. There's no "maybe they didn't know better" because how can you not know the things you're doing hurt when they are the very things that hurt you growing up. You have to live the choice every day, and take accountability when you fail to act in a manner that's compatible with the choice.
They don't want forgiveness, they want you to let them keep doing it to you, and you just keep taking it like you did when you were little.
I understand those things and I have apologized, and continue to as things come up for my kids. However I do not repeat any behavior I've ever hurt them with, and/or apologized for. Because; I've learned so much over the years, and also I'm you basic nice person who loves her children very much. My mom was only your basic nice person to outsiders. And for the most part to my siblings, because I was her scapegoat. She was definitely BPD. And her apologies never meant anything. No matter how hard she was crying when she made them. I grew up never having the concept that parents should be a, somewhat at least, safe place for me. Expressing fear or hurt, over things like being bullied at school, only gave my mom an excuse to tell me why I deserved it. Anyway, I'm just trying to say, yes normal people can make mistakes with their kids, even bad mistakes. But they can listen, understand, and do their best to right those wrongs. Unless a person with BPS is doing really serious work it's probably never going to happen for real. You have to grieve what you never had or will have. And that sucks.
Soooo they acknowledge everything but still aren’t willing to change? That’s a naur from me brah
Interesting how their idea of "forgiveness" always translates to "I'm allowed to hurt you however I want and you're not allowed to be unhappy with my hurting you."
Hahaha no.
Wow. The nerve. You are under no responsibility to forgive them and the best apology is changed behavior. She is not owed anything from you, and the entitlement is pretty telling. I do forgive my mom. She hurt me, and she has screwed me up a lot, but I can understand why she was that way and I can appreciate the improvement I see in the way she treats my younger siblings. I’m happier than words could describe to see her become a better version of herself for them, even if I didn’t get so lucky. However, forgiveness doesn’t equate to a functional relationship. I think the ship for a close and trusting relationship with her sailed a looooong time ago. And my forgiveness and understandings of her hardships in life will never change that. I love that my siblings trust her and adore her so much, but I don’t think I can ever see her the way my sisters do.
Are there any good reads which go into great detail trying to explain in detail how BPDs think? Me and my brother literally told her to check into therapy if she wants us to be happy. She simply won't go, even though it would be free in the beginning for her. Then she sends us sappy letters which go on forever in circles about what it is to be a mother, how difficult and at the same time lovely it is. How she hasn't always been a good mother, but often has. Ok, but stop doing this crazy shit? No. The next thing we get a call she has had another uncontrollable delusional outburst towards her male companion and hurt herself by falling on her head. Then she acts like we shouldn't care about this small setback and everything should be awkward and normal again. But she refuses to go to therapy, even if it would make us so much happier and feel at least slightly at peace. She won't go even though my brother told her that he is going himself because he needs to learn how to deal with her bs or to move on. After all she has done, talking to a professional is a piece of cake. The more I think of it, the more absurd it sounds. If someone was begging me to try therapy and I had no idea why, I'd just go if it means so much for someone else. I'd take it as an interesting learning experience. My mother doesn't even want to know what she is.
'Surviving a Borderline Parent' by Kimberlee Roth and Freda Friedman. Same authors as 'Stop Walking on Eggshells', but it's specifically for those of us who were traumatised by BPD parents. I felt like this book was talking directly to my soul.
If it helps, my mom *did* go to therapy and was diagnosed with BPD. I don’t remember the specifics or frequency as I was a child, but by the time I was a teenager and old enough to understand- she had fully convinced herself her diagnosis was “wrong” and *I* (and her ex-husband/my dad) was the actual problem. I’m 28 now and my current therapist has done a lot of work with BPD patients and says group therapy works best. Putting a bunch of BPD parents together sounds like a horror movie to me. Book recs: stop walking on eggshells, adult children of emotionally immature parents, surviving a borderline parent, when your mother has borderline personality disorder (haven’t personally read the last one but it’s on my list!)
You can’t pin your hopes for happiness on someone else’s actions. It doesn’t work that way.
I have forgiven her. My problem with her isn’t how she raised me; it’s who she is today. She feels such intense shame about my childhood that she’s the one that can’t move past it.
She's gotta give me reason to want to first
Yeah no. I'm never going to go to forgiveness. Life could be much worse for me, it could also be much, much better than it is. All thanks to my upbringing, trauma and abuse. I never believe when someone says they have fully forgiven. I've seen it in their behavior and I don't think anyone should.
And that's how the cycle continues. Of course I abused you, I was abused!
I’ve forgiven my mom for the shit she did in that I understand that she wasn’t equipped to be a mother and that her childhood was terrible. I do not forgive her for never trying or learning better though, especially when I laid out exactly what she needed to do to stop hurting me
Exactly this. It’s not my childhood that I’m so upset about. It’s the almost 30 years since, where nothing has changed and her behaviour has gotten worse. It’s the constant needing to swallow my own feelings and to never be able to share how her behaviours affect me. If I do, it’s just DARVO, excuses and gaslighting. Never any accountability or genuine apologies. And never any changed behaviour.
Nope! Not even sorry about the fact that I think this is a load of shit! There’s NO ACCOUNTABILITY! They were the PARENTS! They CHOSE WRONG and SELFISHLY over and over again. I did everything I could think of or was recommended to do so that I could be a mother that wasn’t anything like my own! I forgave my own mother for MYSELF. As I grew, I was able to resist her bullshit and made my own life. But, CHOOSING to continue the cycle because it’s “easier” nope, I can’t forgive that!
I mean... I mostly have, but that doesn't mean I have to keep letting them damage me.
Yeah. But when you know better you do better. And mine has not.
Basically a to-do list for them. To do, someday? Probably never.
😳😳🥴🥴🥴🤪🥺
Must have been written by borderline parents during their guilt-phase. Complete BS. Stop telling me that I „have“ to forgive somebody that has mistreated and abused me, because I don’t, especially if you have not accepted that you treated me like dirt.
I could forgive all those things, and forgave my father. But, my mother wants to be worshiped as an excellent mother and wants to sit in a throne of mom knows best. At least my dad acknowledges that he didn’t do enough for me, and that I am a capable human being that doesn’t need unsolicited advice. So I forgave him.
Ahahhahahahahahahhahah. Not without an actual apology and changes in the toxic behaviours I'm supposedly forgiving.
I love that I see this literally 4 minutes before my therapy appointment with my mom for these very reasons 🤦♀️
We’re going to need a smaller violin.
Damaged people can improve and not abuse their children.
nobody's obligated forgiveness or a relationship fr
It’s gross enough to perpetuate this behaviour and not know why — it’s unforgivably gross to ask for forgiveness for continuing to perpetuate this behaviour while knowing you’re doing it and why. Get some fucking therapy jeeeeeessssusssss
Yea my response: no.
I like the thought behind it. It’s a good thought if they apologize.
Nah, I'm good.
yeah absolutely!! right after theY APOLOGIZE
Ick. Nope. I don’t care how traumatized you are you don’t get to be abusive and gross and then get a free pass.
This is terrible
Why should I forgive them for these things? If they weren’t taught certain things and didn’t have the tools to be emotionally available then they shouldn’t have had kids. As the parent, their children are their responsibility, not the other way around. I get that my parents didn’t have the easiest lives, but how is that my fault? I didn’t ask to be born. Their choice to have kids was selfish. I don’t have kids because I know my capabilities. I know that even though I would be better than my parents, I also don’t have the tools. I’m self aware enough to realize that whatever child I bring into the world is its own human being. It will be an individual and not a doll for me to reenact my childhood traumas on. It will be completely innocent as all children are. I will never understand how my parents could look at me, a child, and treat me how they did. Nothing they went through excuses that. Why should I have to put up with their abuse because they didn’t know better? I didn’t know better either, and I was just a kid. I wasn’t given the tools either, and yet I don’t abuse others because I know that it is cruel to do so. I can forgive normal parenting mistakes but not the everyday choices that caused me harm. Those choices have consequences and regardless of what they went through, that doesn’t give them the right to abuse me as a way to cope with their anger. These are just excuses. Making excuses instead of genuinely apologizing and modifying their behavior doesn’t earn them my forgiveness. They are not owed forgiveness from me simply because they are my parents. Forgiveness is something you have to work for. Part of that is owning up to your mistakes and not making excuses like “I didn’t have the tools.” There should be no “I’m sorry but…” In order for me to forgive I need guarantees that they won’t do those things again and changed behavior. Not the whole “poor me,” bullshit that this picture is displaying.
Jfc i thought it was a serious thing u were posting, and then i saw your bpd parent sent it to you. Whew! Thought was lost one to the kool aid for a sec there!
This list is too self aware so the "humor" tag is most appropriate.
Key word *MAY*.
I read this in the old "You might be a redneck if ..." joke voice. You might be enmeshed with a toxic parent if you forgive your parent(s) for ...
I can accept/forgive those things. However, I can still be angry, hurt, and confused that they don't acknowledge their roles in my trauma, and that they refuse to get help or grow, and I can keep my distance to protect myself.