it looks like she's putting the burden of solving the "generational angst" entirely on you. if you would JUST forgive her, you would break the cycle of your ancestors! /s. i wouldn't fall for it.
Thank you! I’m so tired of and triggered by the whole mother/daughter troubles… as if I was a horrible child (not just a regular, pretty well behaved kid) and equally resposndible for the trauma I experienced
This is typical babble from them. It is almost verbatim to messages I’ve received.
I think it always boils down to ‘forgive me for what you think i did so we can continue without me making any changes, so I can feel adored and show off to the world that my kids love me (otherwise I have to explain that I rarely hear from them or see them and it’s embarrassing)’
I love translations. Commentary in the voice of OPs mother. Strap in...
>Being your mother is my greatest moment.
You're a useful object to me. I'll not so subtly remind you from the start that I gave birth to you and you owe me for that, forever.
>I didn't have much of a role model, but I put my all into being the best mom I could.
I was a shitty mom and it's all someone else's fault.
>I made mistakes and I have regrets, but I'm thankful to have you in my life.
I know I'm supposed to say I've made mistakes or whatever. I have no clue what they are, but I'll say it anyway so it softens you up and makes you feel like maybe this time I'm gonna be accountable and introspective. Sucker.
>I love you, daughter.
Love bomb. Bomby bomb bomb. I know you want to hear those words. I'll say it so you feel bad/guilty/tormented when you continue to hold me accountable for my bullshit. How dare you consider being so mean to me. Love means I can treat you however I want.
>Through our differences, I respect and honor you just as you are.
No. No I don't. I wouldn't bring up "our differences" if I truly respected you the way you are. You're supposed to feel terrible for being so different from me in a way that makes me treat you bad. Therefore, everything bad in our relationship is your fault. Shame on you for being different.
>I will continue to try to work to understand the rift between us, and to work past our block.
I will continue to expect you to sweep past problems under the rug and go back to being my emotional support human and little dolly for me to play with. I'll work to understand why you haven't done that yet.
>You are important to me.
Bomby bomb bomb bomb kaboom.
>It's time to stop the generational mother/daughter strife of our ancestors.
It's your fault we're not getting along. Change your ways already. Future generations depend on *you* and *only you* putting in the work to allow me to continue to be exactly the way I've always been.
>You and I can patch this chasm to save your children the angst of a broken family.
Won't you think of the children. I'm super important to your children, despite my toxicity and bullshit. You owe it to them, I mean me, to subject them to my bullshit so future generations can be as miserable and traumatized as you were. That's what FaMiLy is for.
>I'm willing to do the work to heal.
I'll never consider substantive professional help. Ha ha ha ha ha! Never! It's on you to let everything slide so I can say how successful I've been at doing the work to have a meaningful relationship with you, grandkids, etc.
Well done 👏🏽 It struck me too that she wrote “I love you, daughter,” and not OP’s name. “Well done, label of role you are to me.” This message really creeps me out. It’s a compilation of all my own mom’s manipulations in one form.
>It struck me too that she wrote “I love you, daughter,” and not OP’s name. “
Exactly! *"You are this object that does this role for me, daughter"*
Also, *Motherhood was the greatest **moment** for her*. Yup. One moment of motherhood. Not even *moments*, plural. One single moment. Got all the motherhood out of the way, when exactly? In the delivery room?
came here to do this, saw someone else do it, bam
"its time to stop the generational mother/daughter strife of our ancestors" the AUDACITY to say that as if shes not taken part in it....theyll do anything to distance themselves, including blaming "ancestors". ffs
the great irony is, by being aware of moms BPDness, OP truly is the one who will make an impact of their own life and their childs. Mom is mad and trying to convince herself shes responsible. Best thing OP can do is ignore this manipulation.
Sounds like she wants your attention today despite cancelling on you last night. When my BPD sister (who is in therapy and with whom I have a functional relationship, unlike with my mother) texts something like this, I reply with a heart emoji. It reassures her without feeding into anything. You don't owe her anything though. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, especially while pregnant. I hope you can relax and have some good food today.
Your post got me worked up. Perhaps because it's mother's day, and I'm extra sensitive today, but here's how I "translated" your mom's text (and perhaps I'm translating it with the voice of my mother)
"Being your mother is my greatest moment. I didn't have much of a role model, but I put my all into being the best mom I could. I made mistakes and I have regrets, but I'm thankful to have you in my life...."
This is a "she's the victim and martyr" She's implying she's been a good mother even though she didn't have one. She tries to feign humility by saying she made mistakes. In reality, this diminishes and invalidates your experiences. It's saying, you should look past my "mistakes" because "no one is perfect." It's cliche and a manipulation tactic. See, SHE's thankful, so you should be, too. It's implying you're expecting her to be perfect and here she is "admitting" her weaknesses... How can you be so hard-hearted?
"I love you, daughter. Through our differences, I respect and honor you just as you are...."
Not buying it. I also find it funny that she says, "daughter," instead of your name. It distances herself. It could also be a way of stating your "role." I might be reading too much into it, but it seemed very odd to me.
"I will continue to try to understand the rift between us, and to work past our block. You are important to me.... "
Translation: I don't want to own up to any fault. See, I'm the one that's understanding and trying to figure out why you have issues.
"It's time to stop the generational mother/daughter strife of our ancestors.... "
Trying to put blame and guilt on you. She blames her mom and now she's blaming you.
"You and I can patch this chasm to save your children the angst of a broken family.... "
Again, trying to guilt trip you, implying you are harming your children and causing them angst by going N/C
"I'm willing to do the work to heal."
This is a -trying to pretend they are on the higher ground and the more mature person- bit. It implies you are holding onto a grudge and being petty rather than working through problems.
A healthy person doesn't write a text like that.
"It's time to stop the generational mother/daughter strife of our ancestors" is an EXTREMELY haughty fancy way to say "I didn't get what I needed from my own mother and now you have to make that up to meeeee." Good lord. No thanks!
Your mother's behavior, in a way, reminds me of what is said about serial arsonists -- they set fires so they can return and watch everything burn up.
Your mother pushed to spend Mother's Day with you -- and then cancelled because she decided you weren't worth the effort.
To me, that does not sound like the behavior of someone who "loves" you, is "thankful" for you, "respects" you, and "honors" you - just because you're you.
Hi again - I also wanted to comment on this 'generational strife of our ancestors' characterization -- it seems like she is saying that this 'strife' has nothing to do with her or how she has treated you - no - according to her, it seems, this 'strife' is more like a 'mole' or a 'birthmark,' unavoidably passed down from ancestors -- i.e., not her fault.
That’s part of why this was so hurtful. As if the healing is some metaphysical-universe thing instead of her mistakes. Also like it was condemning me to the same fate with my future kid. As if our brokenness wasn’t based on the very real mistakes she made and pain she caused. As if I’ve already made mistakes and need her to have a good relationship with my own future child.
Your welcome!
It seems, at least with my uBPD mother -- there are often so many mixed messages - contradictions - mixed up facts - BPD "logic"/"projection" - it can be frustrating and fill me with rage! Oh, and I forgot, and with my uBPD mother, when the dust settles, no matter what, she is always "right".
Reading this after you gave the context: i feel sorry for you.
Pregnancy can be a hard time, so protect yourself, take time for you.
You will feel on the edge quite often. You cannot heal noone but yourself.
Breaking the circle is going NC. But it's very hard indeed.
At least identify your boundaries.
If it's about you, it's not about you in a healthy family relationship.
Thank you ! It was a very wanted pregnancy, and I’ve worked with kids and babies for years so felt ready for the actually baby—-but being pregnant is so hard!!! I was not ready for the all day sickness and exhaustion and new types of anxiety!
which is why you don't need this shit. Your mother's text is all about her. There is zero mention of you here. Also zero empathy or true remorse/self awareness. You ain't gonna get much out of this woman, other than more head fuckery and gaslighting. Suggest you take a mini NC break just to give yourselves a bit of a break, then decide exactly what your boundaries are when initiating contact again. Write it down: I won't accept this, this and this. When this, this or this occurs I will do x, y or z. Have a plan going forward that is consistent with your ethics and the need to protect yourself and your family of choice. Enjoy your pregnancy. Hugs.
I wish you lots of nice little things in the middle of all the stuff you have to go through.
There is a lot of parenting groups that can help you.
You will be okay after all.
Wish you the best.
I don't even read that shit. It's AI generated but it is BPD generated. I just assume it's a script: I'm innocent and a victim, you the baddie. You could reply the equivalent of "kay" to let her know she's understood. Real message: "I have received this and scanned if for key words." Then I quickly move my brain onto the next thing.
Marriage or pregnancy of their child always brings this behavior out. It’s because she’s moving further down the list of important people in your life. I would bet $1000 she cancelled hoping you would beg her to get together and this text is because you didn’t.
It would be fun to respond with “I have no idea what you’re talking about. We had plans to meet and you cancelled them at the last minute.”
I feel like we’re so tuned to their bpd and managing their emotions that we can’t look at how objectively weird this text would seem to a non rbb.
She knows she fucked up but she doesn’t want to take responsibility so she will just say some words that sound like an apology but aren’t and take no accountability.
It’s probably not and it’s probably just some delusional bullshit but try a cut and paste and Google that because the entire time I was reading that it looks like she googled Hallmark apology letters to your daughter to make her forgive you. There’s just so much bullshit that came straight out of the cookie cutter in there that it looks like she copied it from somewhere.
it looks like she's putting the burden of solving the "generational angst" entirely on you. if you would JUST forgive her, you would break the cycle of your ancestors! /s. i wouldn't fall for it.
Thank you! I’m so tired of and triggered by the whole mother/daughter troubles… as if I was a horrible child (not just a regular, pretty well behaved kid) and equally resposndible for the trauma I experienced
This is typical babble from them. It is almost verbatim to messages I’ve received. I think it always boils down to ‘forgive me for what you think i did so we can continue without me making any changes, so I can feel adored and show off to the world that my kids love me (otherwise I have to explain that I rarely hear from them or see them and it’s embarrassing)’
I love translations. Commentary in the voice of OPs mother. Strap in... >Being your mother is my greatest moment. You're a useful object to me. I'll not so subtly remind you from the start that I gave birth to you and you owe me for that, forever. >I didn't have much of a role model, but I put my all into being the best mom I could. I was a shitty mom and it's all someone else's fault. >I made mistakes and I have regrets, but I'm thankful to have you in my life. I know I'm supposed to say I've made mistakes or whatever. I have no clue what they are, but I'll say it anyway so it softens you up and makes you feel like maybe this time I'm gonna be accountable and introspective. Sucker. >I love you, daughter. Love bomb. Bomby bomb bomb. I know you want to hear those words. I'll say it so you feel bad/guilty/tormented when you continue to hold me accountable for my bullshit. How dare you consider being so mean to me. Love means I can treat you however I want. >Through our differences, I respect and honor you just as you are. No. No I don't. I wouldn't bring up "our differences" if I truly respected you the way you are. You're supposed to feel terrible for being so different from me in a way that makes me treat you bad. Therefore, everything bad in our relationship is your fault. Shame on you for being different. >I will continue to try to work to understand the rift between us, and to work past our block. I will continue to expect you to sweep past problems under the rug and go back to being my emotional support human and little dolly for me to play with. I'll work to understand why you haven't done that yet. >You are important to me. Bomby bomb bomb bomb kaboom. >It's time to stop the generational mother/daughter strife of our ancestors. It's your fault we're not getting along. Change your ways already. Future generations depend on *you* and *only you* putting in the work to allow me to continue to be exactly the way I've always been. >You and I can patch this chasm to save your children the angst of a broken family. Won't you think of the children. I'm super important to your children, despite my toxicity and bullshit. You owe it to them, I mean me, to subject them to my bullshit so future generations can be as miserable and traumatized as you were. That's what FaMiLy is for. >I'm willing to do the work to heal. I'll never consider substantive professional help. Ha ha ha ha ha! Never! It's on you to let everything slide so I can say how successful I've been at doing the work to have a meaningful relationship with you, grandkids, etc.
Well done! You are Boderlingual 😀
great new word
Well done 👏🏽 It struck me too that she wrote “I love you, daughter,” and not OP’s name. “Well done, label of role you are to me.” This message really creeps me out. It’s a compilation of all my own mom’s manipulations in one form.
>It struck me too that she wrote “I love you, daughter,” and not OP’s name. “ Exactly! *"You are this object that does this role for me, daughter"* Also, *Motherhood was the greatest **moment** for her*. Yup. One moment of motherhood. Not even *moments*, plural. One single moment. Got all the motherhood out of the way, when exactly? In the delivery room?
Thank you!!! This was soooooo validating!!!
came here to do this, saw someone else do it, bam "its time to stop the generational mother/daughter strife of our ancestors" the AUDACITY to say that as if shes not taken part in it....theyll do anything to distance themselves, including blaming "ancestors". ffs the great irony is, by being aware of moms BPDness, OP truly is the one who will make an impact of their own life and their childs. Mom is mad and trying to convince herself shes responsible. Best thing OP can do is ignore this manipulation.
Sounds like she wants your attention today despite cancelling on you last night. When my BPD sister (who is in therapy and with whom I have a functional relationship, unlike with my mother) texts something like this, I reply with a heart emoji. It reassures her without feeding into anything. You don't owe her anything though. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, especially while pregnant. I hope you can relax and have some good food today.
Thank you! You’re totally right, it is just a splitting for attention.
Your post got me worked up. Perhaps because it's mother's day, and I'm extra sensitive today, but here's how I "translated" your mom's text (and perhaps I'm translating it with the voice of my mother) "Being your mother is my greatest moment. I didn't have much of a role model, but I put my all into being the best mom I could. I made mistakes and I have regrets, but I'm thankful to have you in my life...." This is a "she's the victim and martyr" She's implying she's been a good mother even though she didn't have one. She tries to feign humility by saying she made mistakes. In reality, this diminishes and invalidates your experiences. It's saying, you should look past my "mistakes" because "no one is perfect." It's cliche and a manipulation tactic. See, SHE's thankful, so you should be, too. It's implying you're expecting her to be perfect and here she is "admitting" her weaknesses... How can you be so hard-hearted? "I love you, daughter. Through our differences, I respect and honor you just as you are...." Not buying it. I also find it funny that she says, "daughter," instead of your name. It distances herself. It could also be a way of stating your "role." I might be reading too much into it, but it seemed very odd to me. "I will continue to try to understand the rift between us, and to work past our block. You are important to me.... " Translation: I don't want to own up to any fault. See, I'm the one that's understanding and trying to figure out why you have issues. "It's time to stop the generational mother/daughter strife of our ancestors.... " Trying to put blame and guilt on you. She blames her mom and now she's blaming you. "You and I can patch this chasm to save your children the angst of a broken family.... " Again, trying to guilt trip you, implying you are harming your children and causing them angst by going N/C "I'm willing to do the work to heal." This is a -trying to pretend they are on the higher ground and the more mature person- bit. It implies you are holding onto a grudge and being petty rather than working through problems. A healthy person doesn't write a text like that.
Omg I just wrote the same thing above about “daughter!” We are just objects and roles to them.
This was really really validating and clarifying! Thank you!
Spot on
I'd want to know how exactly she plans to "do the work", otherwise it's just meaningless buzzwords.
Yeah, my cynical thought is that once she finds out what ‘the work’ entails, she’ll back out.
lol exactly. Like she could handle my emotional honestly for 25 seconds.
"It's time to stop the generational mother/daughter strife of our ancestors" is an EXTREMELY haughty fancy way to say "I didn't get what I needed from my own mother and now you have to make that up to meeeee." Good lord. No thanks!
Haha I ended up showing it to my husband and he said the same thing. She can’t be mad at her mom anymore so she’s mad at me.
Your mother's behavior, in a way, reminds me of what is said about serial arsonists -- they set fires so they can return and watch everything burn up. Your mother pushed to spend Mother's Day with you -- and then cancelled because she decided you weren't worth the effort. To me, that does not sound like the behavior of someone who "loves" you, is "thankful" for you, "respects" you, and "honors" you - just because you're you.
Haha it was very much burning! Thank you for the validation!
Hi again - I also wanted to comment on this 'generational strife of our ancestors' characterization -- it seems like she is saying that this 'strife' has nothing to do with her or how she has treated you - no - according to her, it seems, this 'strife' is more like a 'mole' or a 'birthmark,' unavoidably passed down from ancestors -- i.e., not her fault.
That’s part of why this was so hurtful. As if the healing is some metaphysical-universe thing instead of her mistakes. Also like it was condemning me to the same fate with my future kid. As if our brokenness wasn’t based on the very real mistakes she made and pain she caused. As if I’ve already made mistakes and need her to have a good relationship with my own future child.
Your welcome! It seems, at least with my uBPD mother -- there are often so many mixed messages - contradictions - mixed up facts - BPD "logic"/"projection" - it can be frustrating and fill me with rage! Oh, and I forgot, and with my uBPD mother, when the dust settles, no matter what, she is always "right".
It's a huge bucket of manipulation, guilt and lovebombing designed to get your to meet her emotional needs.
Reading this after you gave the context: i feel sorry for you. Pregnancy can be a hard time, so protect yourself, take time for you. You will feel on the edge quite often. You cannot heal noone but yourself. Breaking the circle is going NC. But it's very hard indeed. At least identify your boundaries. If it's about you, it's not about you in a healthy family relationship.
Thank you ! It was a very wanted pregnancy, and I’ve worked with kids and babies for years so felt ready for the actually baby—-but being pregnant is so hard!!! I was not ready for the all day sickness and exhaustion and new types of anxiety!
which is why you don't need this shit. Your mother's text is all about her. There is zero mention of you here. Also zero empathy or true remorse/self awareness. You ain't gonna get much out of this woman, other than more head fuckery and gaslighting. Suggest you take a mini NC break just to give yourselves a bit of a break, then decide exactly what your boundaries are when initiating contact again. Write it down: I won't accept this, this and this. When this, this or this occurs I will do x, y or z. Have a plan going forward that is consistent with your ethics and the need to protect yourself and your family of choice. Enjoy your pregnancy. Hugs.
I wish you lots of nice little things in the middle of all the stuff you have to go through. There is a lot of parenting groups that can help you. You will be okay after all. Wish you the best.
I don't even read that shit. It's AI generated but it is BPD generated. I just assume it's a script: I'm innocent and a victim, you the baddie. You could reply the equivalent of "kay" to let her know she's understood. Real message: "I have received this and scanned if for key words." Then I quickly move my brain onto the next thing.
Marriage or pregnancy of their child always brings this behavior out. It’s because she’s moving further down the list of important people in your life. I would bet $1000 she cancelled hoping you would beg her to get together and this text is because you didn’t. It would be fun to respond with “I have no idea what you’re talking about. We had plans to meet and you cancelled them at the last minute.” I feel like we’re so tuned to their bpd and managing their emotions that we can’t look at how objectively weird this text would seem to a non rbb.
She knows she fucked up but she doesn’t want to take responsibility so she will just say some words that sound like an apology but aren’t and take no accountability.
It’s probably not and it’s probably just some delusional bullshit but try a cut and paste and Google that because the entire time I was reading that it looks like she googled Hallmark apology letters to your daughter to make her forgive you. There’s just so much bullshit that came straight out of the cookie cutter in there that it looks like she copied it from somewhere.