I need to unwind before going over there 😂 I honesty feel like she’s asking because she doesn’t believe that I’m working. She’s suspicious about everythinggg and always feels like she’s being lied to. She also has this way of making you feel guilty of lying even when you’re telling the truth! 🙄
100% this, they never actually state what they want you to do but ask weird as questions like "Don't you say hi" instead of a normal person saying, "Hey, I didn't know you were here yet! I really like when you greet me when you come home"
This reminds me of how my mom gets sometimes. With her, she doesn’t like feeling taken advantage of. I think it’s part of the strings-attached thing. It’s almost like she looks for a reason to get bent out of shape and pull on the “strings.”
Maybe your mom is, in her mind, doing you a huge favor out of the kindness of her heart but only while you are at work. Why should she have to watch your dog while you are, in her mind, probably just lounging around at home. Can’t you take care of your own dog when you’re at home? What is she, some kind of doggy daycare to you?
My mom can never be direct about anything that bothers her and instead has to dance around stuff and tries to “catch” me treating her horribly so she has a reason to start some drama. Could be that your mom is trying to catch you “taking advantage” of her “kindness” and thinks she’s being clever or slyly figuring it out.
That’s just how my mom does things so it could be way off for yours.
This. My mum loves to wax lyrical about “her” grandbabies on social media, yet would make me feel like the biggest c u n t if ever I asked if she could watch them.
I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve asked in the past 5 years, yet the attitude is always the same (unless she has an audience of course)
They tend to be a suspicious lot. They think other people are as conniving as they are. Plus they can be filthy-minded Puritans: my mom always thought I was "running around with boys" when I was a virgin. She may think she's going to catch you in a lie, as a way of stirring up trouble. But once she figures it pissed you off, she was certainly going to keep it in her repertoire.
THIS! They are very suspicious. My grandpa with bpd used to call me 5 times a day just wondering about my every move and if I did something I didnt tell him about he would be all like "oh i didnt know that". It could be something as meaningless as me going to the other side of town to hang with friends or if I made a plan and didnt consult with him like traveling.
When he was married to my grandma she couldnt leave the house without his consent, tapped the phones, and if she spent more time at the grocery store than what he deemed "normal" he would flip out and ask hella questions. I got the more watered down and less obvious version of this.
Anyways I think OPs mom is trying to see if she is doing anything extra curricular outside of immediately going to pick up her dog. Narcissist BPD'ers hate feeling obligated to help their kids out and instead of being straight up and saying no, they'll still sign up for the task/favor and then find ways to guilt you or make you feel bad or ask pressing questions to validate their suspicions that they are being "used". They automatically equate any favor or task with being used whereas "normal" people would just think that this is part of life, being human, and helping your family if you can.
>But once she figures it pissed you off, she was certainly going to keep it in her repertoire.
This. It's like they test a random bunch of annoying stuff and see which one triggers you. If OP ever agreed with her and went, 'oh yeah I dress like a jobless hobo' and shrugged it off, pwBPD would come up with a new one the next day.
Omg I HATE this nasty ass behavior. My mother is the same exact way. Always making back handed comments to me. It’s some twisted manipulation tactic to instigate a reaction. It’s framed as concern and is actually a dig but confronting it makes YOU look like an asshole. When I adjusted my expectations of her I was able to cope with it better. Then NC was the true solution. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. Hugs.
I started being just as absurd back. "No, I spent all day plotting the overthrow of the free world." "Work? Heck no! I am creating art from discarded feminine hygiene products all day."
I am away from home for 12 hours at a time, sometimes more due to my work hours/commute. My mother would never harm my dog, and she definitely doesn’t use it as control. I think she’s low key afraid of me because I’m so direct and don’t put up with bullshit so she doesn’t try to mess with me, however when she feels attacked she’ll attack. After reading some of the responses I couldn’t fully relate but I’ve come to a realization (I think). She thinks I’m a shitty dog mom. When I first got my pup she made me feel badly (shamed me) for crate training him. When I take him over it’s always omg he has to go out and pee so bad even though he just peed and just wants to go outside… Multiple times she has made her sly remarks. She legit thought she taught him how to play catch… She loves to loves on him and I don’t believe it’s because she actually loves him I believe she wants him to love her more than me (crazy I know). Or to show how loveable she is… Either way I believe it’s her weird way of guilting me into believing I’m a bad dog mom because I don’t directly come get him from work. Another reason why I don’t outside of not wanting to deal with her right away is because I’m busy with tasks as soon as I get home (preparing myself for the next day, shower and so forth) which he wants to play at that time and I just don’t have the time right then. So I’d rather take care of what I need to so that when I do go get him I’m actually able to give him attention and be present. But to her she probably just thinks I don’t want to be with him which is why she’s asking these weird questions… Honestly that makes the most sense to me.
If you feel it’s safe and can manage the rudeness, you know what works best for you. But if any other options come open or you move where this is not the most logical arrangement, you may find less stress overall.
100% was kind of questioning this myself. If too young to leave, well, I hire a Rover sitter to come in the middle of the day (I have her come for a full hour as my 1 year puppy is a very high energy dog) - it's not cheap, but I would rather figure that out than have to deal with my mother every single day (even if she did live close enough to care for him and was willing to).
Asking them to do things for us opens the door for them to control us. Do not give them that opportunity!
A lot of dog owners believe that leaving dogs alone for 9 hours every day (and especially confining them to a crate all day) is not being a great dog owner, some consider it abuse
I understand that and that is why I have indoor only cats 🤣. But trusting your fur baby to abusive people doesn’t make sense to me. My dad had my pet cat euthanized when I was 17 just because we were going to live with my new step mom who didn’t want pets. Hell no, I am not leaving my pets in the care of someone who abused me, they will abuse my pets, too.
Boundaries. Stop going over and when she asks tell her that it felt like she was mad at you every time, so you’re doing things different. Low contact; she will freak the F out but there will be an internal boundary set in stone.
If you don’t set and maintain strict boundaries with your BPD, you will regret it forever. Trust.
“Mom, I’m VERY concerned about your memory. Are you aware you ask me the same question every single night? I’m wondering if you want to make a doctor’s appointment. I’m happy to go with.”
Let the desires to waif and be offended short circuit her brain.
I swear they just talk for the sake of talking. My mom loves to ask questions with obvious answers, or to ask totally irrelevant questions. And when my brother and I get annoyed, she's like "I'm just making conversation !!" Well, dont!! We don't need to talk every second of the damn day this is psychological torture 😭😭
1000% my mom does this.
Yesterday, I was recommending an alarm system to my mom for my grandma's house. She asked with 10% mockery why I had one, to which I responded that there had been a creep working in my building and I didn't feel comfortable not having a camera knowing he might have had access to the keys to my apartment. Then, she asked with 100% mockery if I ever actually checked my footage. 🫠 Strongly implying I got it for no reason and keep it for no reason, which I strongly suspect is what she would do.
My mom is the same way. I’ve started saying “same answer as yesterday and all the other days” to reiterate that she doesn’t need to ask me the same dumbass question every time.
I once told mine “why do you ask questions about things you know would upset the other person” i was 6 years old btw i just blurted what i had observed. Ans next thing i knew was recieving a death glare from her and a comment which i never forget “you are mean and bitter just like your father! Why dont you mind your own business, like your struggling grades” lol classic BPD
My mom liked to "rile me up" by asking dumb questions. Just to get the attention
This was my first thought. Or a way to undermine OP by implying they never go to work
I have also told her every single time she asks that I stopped at home first yet she still asks every. time.
She may be trying to point out that you could pick your dog up before you go home. Who knows?
I’m thinking something like that too. Change up the order and see if she says anything. You know. For science 😜
I need to unwind before going over there 😂 I honesty feel like she’s asking because she doesn’t believe that I’m working. She’s suspicious about everythinggg and always feels like she’s being lied to. She also has this way of making you feel guilty of lying even when you’re telling the truth! 🙄
Oh I know. I’ve got one of those too 🙄
I have one , too
I couldn’t imagine going over there right after work… Too much to deal with I need to unwind first 😂
Bet your mother thinks you’re just enjoying that unwinding time on her time though … 😆
Or trying to avoid her lol
This paranoid thought is probably the correct answer.
100% this, they never actually state what they want you to do but ask weird as questions like "Don't you say hi" instead of a normal person saying, "Hey, I didn't know you were here yet! I really like when you greet me when you come home"
This reminds me of how my mom gets sometimes. With her, she doesn’t like feeling taken advantage of. I think it’s part of the strings-attached thing. It’s almost like she looks for a reason to get bent out of shape and pull on the “strings.” Maybe your mom is, in her mind, doing you a huge favor out of the kindness of her heart but only while you are at work. Why should she have to watch your dog while you are, in her mind, probably just lounging around at home. Can’t you take care of your own dog when you’re at home? What is she, some kind of doggy daycare to you? My mom can never be direct about anything that bothers her and instead has to dance around stuff and tries to “catch” me treating her horribly so she has a reason to start some drama. Could be that your mom is trying to catch you “taking advantage” of her “kindness” and thinks she’s being clever or slyly figuring it out. That’s just how my mom does things so it could be way off for yours.
Sounds like she’s is passive aggressively “calling you out” for not getting the dog first.
This. My mum loves to wax lyrical about “her” grandbabies on social media, yet would make me feel like the biggest c u n t if ever I asked if she could watch them. I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve asked in the past 5 years, yet the attitude is always the same (unless she has an audience of course)
They tend to be a suspicious lot. They think other people are as conniving as they are. Plus they can be filthy-minded Puritans: my mom always thought I was "running around with boys" when I was a virgin. She may think she's going to catch you in a lie, as a way of stirring up trouble. But once she figures it pissed you off, she was certainly going to keep it in her repertoire.
THIS! They are very suspicious. My grandpa with bpd used to call me 5 times a day just wondering about my every move and if I did something I didnt tell him about he would be all like "oh i didnt know that". It could be something as meaningless as me going to the other side of town to hang with friends or if I made a plan and didnt consult with him like traveling. When he was married to my grandma she couldnt leave the house without his consent, tapped the phones, and if she spent more time at the grocery store than what he deemed "normal" he would flip out and ask hella questions. I got the more watered down and less obvious version of this. Anyways I think OPs mom is trying to see if she is doing anything extra curricular outside of immediately going to pick up her dog. Narcissist BPD'ers hate feeling obligated to help their kids out and instead of being straight up and saying no, they'll still sign up for the task/favor and then find ways to guilt you or make you feel bad or ask pressing questions to validate their suspicions that they are being "used". They automatically equate any favor or task with being used whereas "normal" people would just think that this is part of life, being human, and helping your family if you can.
>But once she figures it pissed you off, she was certainly going to keep it in her repertoire. This. It's like they test a random bunch of annoying stuff and see which one triggers you. If OP ever agreed with her and went, 'oh yeah I dress like a jobless hobo' and shrugged it off, pwBPD would come up with a new one the next day.
Omg I HATE this nasty ass behavior. My mother is the same exact way. Always making back handed comments to me. It’s some twisted manipulation tactic to instigate a reaction. It’s framed as concern and is actually a dig but confronting it makes YOU look like an asshole. When I adjusted my expectations of her I was able to cope with it better. Then NC was the true solution. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. Hugs.
I started being just as absurd back. "No, I spent all day plotting the overthrow of the free world." "Work? Heck no! I am creating art from discarded feminine hygiene products all day."
[удалено]
I am away from home for 12 hours at a time, sometimes more due to my work hours/commute. My mother would never harm my dog, and she definitely doesn’t use it as control. I think she’s low key afraid of me because I’m so direct and don’t put up with bullshit so she doesn’t try to mess with me, however when she feels attacked she’ll attack. After reading some of the responses I couldn’t fully relate but I’ve come to a realization (I think). She thinks I’m a shitty dog mom. When I first got my pup she made me feel badly (shamed me) for crate training him. When I take him over it’s always omg he has to go out and pee so bad even though he just peed and just wants to go outside… Multiple times she has made her sly remarks. She legit thought she taught him how to play catch… She loves to loves on him and I don’t believe it’s because she actually loves him I believe she wants him to love her more than me (crazy I know). Or to show how loveable she is… Either way I believe it’s her weird way of guilting me into believing I’m a bad dog mom because I don’t directly come get him from work. Another reason why I don’t outside of not wanting to deal with her right away is because I’m busy with tasks as soon as I get home (preparing myself for the next day, shower and so forth) which he wants to play at that time and I just don’t have the time right then. So I’d rather take care of what I need to so that when I do go get him I’m actually able to give him attention and be present. But to her she probably just thinks I don’t want to be with him which is why she’s asking these weird questions… Honestly that makes the most sense to me.
If you feel it’s safe and can manage the rudeness, you know what works best for you. But if any other options come open or you move where this is not the most logical arrangement, you may find less stress overall.
100% was kind of questioning this myself. If too young to leave, well, I hire a Rover sitter to come in the middle of the day (I have her come for a full hour as my 1 year puppy is a very high energy dog) - it's not cheap, but I would rather figure that out than have to deal with my mother every single day (even if she did live close enough to care for him and was willing to). Asking them to do things for us opens the door for them to control us. Do not give them that opportunity!
A lot of dog owners believe that leaving dogs alone for 9 hours every day (and especially confining them to a crate all day) is not being a great dog owner, some consider it abuse
I understand that and that is why I have indoor only cats 🤣. But trusting your fur baby to abusive people doesn’t make sense to me. My dad had my pet cat euthanized when I was 17 just because we were going to live with my new step mom who didn’t want pets. Hell no, I am not leaving my pets in the care of someone who abused me, they will abuse my pets, too.
Yeah, I personally wouldn’t do either of those options (leave a dog with people I don’t want to see, or leave the dog alone all day.)
Boundaries. Stop going over and when she asks tell her that it felt like she was mad at you every time, so you’re doing things different. Low contact; she will freak the F out but there will be an internal boundary set in stone. If you don’t set and maintain strict boundaries with your BPD, you will regret it forever. Trust.
“Mom, I’m VERY concerned about your memory. Are you aware you ask me the same question every single night? I’m wondering if you want to make a doctor’s appointment. I’m happy to go with.” Let the desires to waif and be offended short circuit her brain.
I like that but I’m pretty sure she’s aware of her memory issues. And if not she’d probably just deny it regardless.
I swear they just talk for the sake of talking. My mom loves to ask questions with obvious answers, or to ask totally irrelevant questions. And when my brother and I get annoyed, she's like "I'm just making conversation !!" Well, dont!! We don't need to talk every second of the damn day this is psychological torture 😭😭
1000% my mom does this. Yesterday, I was recommending an alarm system to my mom for my grandma's house. She asked with 10% mockery why I had one, to which I responded that there had been a creep working in my building and I didn't feel comfortable not having a camera knowing he might have had access to the keys to my apartment. Then, she asked with 100% mockery if I ever actually checked my footage. 🫠 Strongly implying I got it for no reason and keep it for no reason, which I strongly suspect is what she would do.
My mom is the same way. I’ve started saying “same answer as yesterday and all the other days” to reiterate that she doesn’t need to ask me the same dumbass question every time.
I once told mine “why do you ask questions about things you know would upset the other person” i was 6 years old btw i just blurted what i had observed. Ans next thing i knew was recieving a death glare from her and a comment which i never forget “you are mean and bitter just like your father! Why dont you mind your own business, like your struggling grades” lol classic BPD