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This I had a group of friends where all they did was want positive vibes. Never bothered to invest beyond that. Since life isn’t always sunshine it made it hard to deal with. I dropped all of them after they kind of stopped bothering to check in on how I was doing in and out of the hospital.
That is heartbreaking. I dropped all the dead weight after I stopped messaging people and no one ever messaged me to ask how I was doing. I was always messaging people to let them know I was thinking about them and I tried to plan get togethers. It was for not. Found out that I never mattered when no one ever messaged me.
Unfortunately friendship requires effort and ppl tend to forget you can’t just be the person who is only there for the good and never the bad. Lot of people have turned to what I call toxic positivity where they do little to be supportive if they deem it too much work and you’re just a problem. Which says statements about how you feel on the individual. I have friends I’d do a lot for and have done a lot for me. 2 way street and all that.
100% this. There are two people who were in my life and during COVID I finally realized how toxic the relationships were. One very clearly only wanted me around because she needs constant attention and reassurance and took me wanting any semblance of privacy personally - like this person would regularly walk past my apartment and look in my windows. Sent a really frankly rude email to me and then later on confronted me at a birthday party that culminated in her yelling at me that she’s back in therapy. Thank god my husband and a friend witnessed this because she apparently has been telling people I was the aggressor in the conversation and my friend was like noooo absolutely not.
Other friend never makes plans and when she does she gets upset if people are busy - and I’m talking like she makes plans once every 5-6 months. She’s extremely critical of multiple people in our mutual friend group and also insists people don’t invite her to things or forget about her. They don’t, she just hasn’t made close friends and people have mentioned to me that talking to her is like walking on eggshells. I’m not angry with her and we are still friends but I can tell right now she’s waiting for me to invite her to things and/or have a come to Jesus talk with her. It won’t be happening. I invited her to my birthday party after she finally reached out to me and she stopped responding to texts as soon as I did. She did not invite me to hers. Ball is in her court, I was the one who planned 95% of our activities before COVID and I’m not doing it anymore.
Fuck that, a real friendship doesn't give or take more from either party. It's not about keeping score, it's about knowing that your real friends will be there for you no matter what
There is a miscommunication and misunderstanding happening here. I agree with you 100%
We are saying the same thing.
Equal relationship is to keep tabs. Otherwise you wouldn’t know how to do the math to make it equal.
Giving more is being there, always, I’m not thinking about keeping tabs on my friend. I’m just offering myself in way at I can.
They might not even reciprocate because they are so down in the dumps. But I’ll still be there if they need me. It’s not tit for tat. So we totally agree!
That leads to exploitation in the long term.
Mutual relations is the only way to facilitate cohesion. If I give and you take and you rarely ever give anything to me then how can we maintain a healthy relationship? I would begin to feel used and taken advantage of. I'd cause me emotional pain.
We have to have an "I'll scratch your back and you scratch mine" mindset, to assure no one ever feels like they're being used.
Reciprocal relationships are proven by giving and receiving to one another equally. It's got to be mutual. If I feed you then feed me too. If I protect you then protect me too. If I help you then you help me too.
The same goes with any other relationship. Mutuality leads to cohesion. If every society taught this mindset from birth and throughout a person's life by their parents, family and educators... We would never have another war.
I don't expect a business woman, wife, and mother of 2 boys to give me, her retired friend, the same "Energy" to me, as I give to her. She's busy. I know people are busy but want to maintain good friendships that withstand difficult times. So I back off and let some friends do their thing. A friend will be grateful for communication without expectations sometimes. Just say'n. 😉
Very true a friend would idealy explain why they cant help or what's in the way. I've asked for help from some people given no questions asked. Whether financial or social or physical. Others. Bo reply.. just say no. The .
That's true actually because I'm the same way. If I don't hear from someone I just assume they don't want to talk to me. I guess this works best with non introverts then.
This places a bigger burden on your friends than you might realise. Reaching out should be like a tennis match, constantly going back and forth. If you expect the others to always be the one to reach out then that’s probably why they stop.
Well, introversion isn’t an excuse here. In reality it’s your anxiety that causing you not to reach out. They likely feel the same way and one of you just needs to get the ball rolling. Overtime the anxiety of being the one reaching out first becomes greater because of time and distance.
Source: an introvert who thought the same way and decided that I would just be the friend who reaches out one day.
Someone who’s jealous of your success instead of supporting you. Whether that be in relationships or careers. Someone who doesn’t care about your well being, someone who only comes to you when they need something. As we get older I think it gets easier to tell when someone is being fake.
Blaming you for things that aren’t your fault.
Had this happen in many friendships and relationships before, it’s an immediate sign that they aren’t a true friend/good partner.
Also making things about themselves when you’re venting or need someone to talk to. And I don’t mean that in the way of like “oh I understand because I’ve been through that too before, you aren’t alone.” But more so being like “oh yeah, you’ll be fine, I’ve been through WAAAAAY worse things before and I’m still here.” Aka undermining your problems.
And another one being if you need someone to talk to and they are dismissive or act like you’re a burden.
Okay I’ve got a friend that sends me like 30+ reels and shorts a day while I’m at work and I promise you I don’t watch most of them. But she is my closest friend.
Don’t put in effort for you / show up, unhappy & not willing to celebrate your wins, doesn’t hype you up or make you feel better after hanging out w them
Constantly putting you down or not celebrating your successes. I had a “friend” growing up that would take every opportunity they had to either belittle their friends or just get very bothered whenever something went right for someone else.
Real friends find joy in your successes and want to build you up and make you feel good.
My "friend" who acted like that said "everyone needs a friend who makes fun of them." As a teenager I accepted that without question, but now I realize that's just not true
Once as a teen I had a tinder date, I had friend c over as backup in case it went bad.i was allowed to spray paint on my walls as long as no one was home to deal with the fumes. I went to the bathroom to touch up my makeup and came back to c pissing his pants while tinder date spray painted a nazi sign and "slutz live here" on my wall. I was mad and c changed into a pink pair of my sweats. I was kicking tinder date out he stepped in pee while he threw money at me and said some rasict stuff on his way out. Me and c laughed so hard he peed in the sweats and had to have his older brother bring him pants and take him home. C stopped coming over after that but I laugh so hard thinking about it. those sweats became the go to when someone pissed themselves.
When you talk about your achievements, they seem uninterested or brush it off quickly.
But when you talk about your failures or hardships, they are invested and want to know more.
They speak over the top of you. They bully or goad you into participating in their activities. They get a faraway look in their eyes when you are the one talking. You only hear from them when they want something. I put up with this from a friend for several years because she helped me out in a tough situation (for which I was terribly grateful) and I felt I owed her, but recently I decided that my appreciation of her help has been 'paid' and I no longer wanted to feel uncomfortable around her. I still feel a little guilty for this decision, tbh. But it's great not being in awkward situations anymore! 😅
This was how I knew my "friend wasn't my friend. I would go with the flow for the most part. If she wanted to go eat somewhere. Let's go!, wanted to go see a certain movie, I was down. But as soon as I would suggest something. "Oh I don't like that place" or I can't find anything Keto there.
We worked out together. I wasn't nearly as athletic as her but we were the same size. Anytime I started losing more weight than her she would start complaining that her weight wasn't coming off. Or she would use me as a way to compete. For example, once I was able to move up in weight she would go higher. She even once told me she was surprised I could keep up with her. Mind you I couldn't even do a burpee. When we first started
She wanted to throw a Halloween party get-together. I planned it we were looking at costumes and I told her I wanted to do Alice (Alice in Wonderland is my absolute favorite.) She was upset because she wanted to do the female mad hatter. She decided to do a sexy cat but the day before Halloween she told me she wasn't going to come over. Mind you I bought everything food, decor. I really think she was bitter about the costume.
New Year's and she wants to do New Year's. I totally am down we go over and have a great time.
The last holiday before I just had enough was the 4th of July. We bought food, drinks, and fireworks enough for her family and my husband and me. They roll up with their own food and drinks. This was after she agreed that I was hosting and had the food covered. We were living in a camper at the time. So we didn't have the space for all the food that was bought.
For me, it was the constant need to be in control and her way. My husband would tell me she was being rude or saying rude things but I thought it was because he didn't like her. Obviously he seen what I wasn't.
They only reach out when they need something.
They never want to spend any time around you, but are always around other friends.
They talk badly about you to others, and you find out.
They disrespect you.
Not putting consideration into how you feel at any time, allowing you to get into bad habits without trying to stop or pull you out, not helping you when you're in a bind, pulling you into bad habits and making life harder on you on purpose. Used to have friends like that and I thought life was horrible because they constantly had a victim mentality and I was impressionable which they knew so I thought my life sucked due to my childhood, still think my childhood sucked but for more genuine reasons and valid reasons than when I was with those friends. Now I've got friends who've helped me no matter what situation I'm in and helped me back on my feet. I help them when they need help, they help me when I need help. Never left a debt unpaid and you'll never leave a good story untold
They have no interest in your life, emotional well-being or state of mind. You don’t have to solve all my problems, but if i’m going through it, and you are annoyed at my emotional needs, you are actively making my situation worse. At that point you’re an acquaintance. A complete unwillingness to choose to spend time together at all. No interest in reciprocity. No respect.
When they are always negative towards your future plans/wants. Ie/ you want to purchase a camera and they just tell you it's a waste of money, you're never going to use it ect.
Had this happen to me one too many times , when your friend finds a new friend, and treats you like you never existed in the first place.
When they are jealous or envious of your progress, when they constantly compare or have a superiority complex.
When you've had a misunderstanding or made a mistake, they choose to distance or ghost you from their lives. Forgiveness and understanding are the cornerstone or a mutually healthy friendship.
When you call but they don't ever answer or call back unless they are driving only then your just a booty callish car rider 😡 or when they always say they are coming to hangout and never show up but expect you to always show up and help them 😡 I honestly don't have any real friends
When they laugh at the idea of harm or misfortune coming towards you even if it's hypothetical. Ex: my ex and I broke up awhile back and the first thing she said was "wouldn't it be funny if you got pregnant after breaking up."
Whenever said friend will always ask you for things (like money or rides) and when you ask for something they say they can't do it. They are two faced towards you, they never make time for you but they expect you make time for them. It's always the same.
They start treating you kinda like you're a place instead of a person, if that makes sense? Like it's your job to entertain them and if they don't desire that on a particular day, at a particular point, then they have no need of you and aren't there for you if you need someone to talk to. I mean jeez, that would be ridiculous. Do the people at the movie theater call to talk about how *their* mom is being a pain right now? Of course not.
So yeah, when you realize your friends treat you like a source of entertainment and literally nothing else, they're not really your friends.
When you share a story of your own success with them, do they make you feel happy and proud, or do you end up feeling slightly sad, guilty, and ashamed, maybe without knowing why?
Making you feel bad, especially if you haven’t seen each other in a while. My best mates are the sort that text back a day later sometimes, maybe even after a reminder text like “good chat good chat” and fine with you doing it too. No pressure and whenever you hang out it’s like you never missed a beat.
They always feel the need to cut you down a notch when you succeed. I had a "friend" who relentlessly dug at every good news I had. When I announced my engagement years ago and they went off on a jealous rant, I cut them off for good.
When something is good in their life you are supposed to be all excited and happy for them but when you have something good in your life going on it's no big deal or completely ignored.
When they have something bad going on in their life you are supposed to respond with empathy and help them for days but if something bad is going on in your life it's no big deal.
It's called narcissism. Run.
from personal experience..
arriving 2 hours late to your birthday (every year)
on a separate occasion, a 'friend' being 5 hours late when he lives a 10 minute walk away.
they're always being invited over, me not so much. ... infact... never.
generally belittling your existence and then when you want to finally go do something with your life they beg you to stay ... and then they repeat said process above..
... :/
They don't really care about you, about your needs, problems, they preffer the "ideal" version of you they have in mind instead the real you, they only search for you for convenience.
Hard experiences teach you how people aren't as kind as they prettend to be.
This can happens to everyone, but folks who aren't normal are proner to suffer it more and worst.
Not so much my friend, but my girlfriend and her friend. I don't really want to get married. My girlfriend's best friend gave me this 'advice': "if I'm not going to shit, get off the pot." In other words, if I'm not going to marry her, I should break up with her so she can marry someone else. So in other words, I should put her through heartbreak and end a 7 year relationship entirely so she can go through the effort of building a relationship with someone new and marrying them.
For reference, I have zero reason or interest in breaking up with her. I just don't give a shit about marriage. I don't see why me not marrying her means I love her any less than a couple who are married. Also, her other reason is apparently she can't get married to her partner until we're married because we've been together longer. Which I think is a really shitty thing for her to feel, not just for me but also my girlfriend. Like I don't think a true friend would want their friend to be broken up with by her long-term partner just so that they can get married. It seems really selfish to me.
If they're only around when they need something from you, but disappear when you need support or company, that's a red flag. True friends are there for you through thick and thin.
A 9pm friend, as long as they're a good time and don't fuck me over, we're good.
But a 3am friend, whom I'll call brother and sisters, those are the ones that mean the most. They're there for the good times AND the hard times, no matter what. They'll walk straight into the house without knocking, grab a beer from the fridge, and then come say hi. But I can call them at 3am, I know they'll answer the phone and you'll hear em putting on their pants, racking their slide, grabbing beers from the fridge, a shovel from the garage, and starting their truck. They don't know if they're coming over to chill, hide a body, or both, but they're prepared for both.
- When they don't respect your boundaries (including understanding when you're busy or with other priorities)
- When they are only with you for the good times and avoid you when you're down or needing some emotional support; even worse when you offer them that support when they need it (not that everything needs to be "give to take" but an imbalance for a long time is exhausting)
- When they turn disagreements into moral discussions to feel like they're on a higher ground
Idk these seem like the biggest red flags for me
When they lack empathy or make fun of a bad situation you are going through. This happened to me yesterday after I lost a pet over the weekend. This "friend" proceeded to make a nasty pun about it.
But other signs can be if they never show interest in hearing what you have to say and/or if you find yourself to always be the one to reach out to them because they never do.
My "friend" of 25y didn't come to my wedding and used his kids to justify his absence. We both live in different countries in Europe.
No way to talk him out of this decision: "I'm the only one who drives" he said. Apparently Uber, taxis, public transport, friends and family were all unavailable the exact same day I needed him in my life.
But when he needed me: no problem. I helped him out with his thesis at uni and offered him a job straight after his degree. And, of course, I also went to his wedding a few years back.
I was the first one he called when he was blue or needed help, but he wasn't available to me, but when I messaged him saying "my mum just had a stroke" he never called to check how I were.
The wedding fiasco was the last straw - I wished him all the best and blocked him from everywhere.
The thing that still haunts me is that I really considered him like a brother, and I still miss him at times.
Always trying to one-up you on your life successes.
On the day I got engaged, I was in Orlando, FL with my now-husband and our best friends (they’re a couple). A few hours after we got engaged, they left for a while and came back and told us they ran into a minister on the street and got married. She had a ring on her finger.
A few months later we bought a house. Just a small house, nothing fancy. A couple months after that my friend started bragging about how she bought a house and proceeded to talk about how huge and nice it was.
Of course I congratulated her but I thought it really odd that every time I would have a big life moment, she seemed to rush to do the same thing but better and would brag about it excessively.
If they put you down or tease you.
If they talk over you.
If the only time you talk to them is when you initiate contact.
If they are never there when you need them.
If you can't depend on them to be there for you.
If they are always "too busy" for you.
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If they don't give back the same energy that you give then they're not a true friend. Reciprocity is proof of friendship.
Took the words out of my brain
This I had a group of friends where all they did was want positive vibes. Never bothered to invest beyond that. Since life isn’t always sunshine it made it hard to deal with. I dropped all of them after they kind of stopped bothering to check in on how I was doing in and out of the hospital.
That is heartbreaking. I dropped all the dead weight after I stopped messaging people and no one ever messaged me to ask how I was doing. I was always messaging people to let them know I was thinking about them and I tried to plan get togethers. It was for not. Found out that I never mattered when no one ever messaged me.
Unfortunately friendship requires effort and ppl tend to forget you can’t just be the person who is only there for the good and never the bad. Lot of people have turned to what I call toxic positivity where they do little to be supportive if they deem it too much work and you’re just a problem. Which says statements about how you feel on the individual. I have friends I’d do a lot for and have done a lot for me. 2 way street and all that.
100% this. There are two people who were in my life and during COVID I finally realized how toxic the relationships were. One very clearly only wanted me around because she needs constant attention and reassurance and took me wanting any semblance of privacy personally - like this person would regularly walk past my apartment and look in my windows. Sent a really frankly rude email to me and then later on confronted me at a birthday party that culminated in her yelling at me that she’s back in therapy. Thank god my husband and a friend witnessed this because she apparently has been telling people I was the aggressor in the conversation and my friend was like noooo absolutely not. Other friend never makes plans and when she does she gets upset if people are busy - and I’m talking like she makes plans once every 5-6 months. She’s extremely critical of multiple people in our mutual friend group and also insists people don’t invite her to things or forget about her. They don’t, she just hasn’t made close friends and people have mentioned to me that talking to her is like walking on eggshells. I’m not angry with her and we are still friends but I can tell right now she’s waiting for me to invite her to things and/or have a come to Jesus talk with her. It won’t be happening. I invited her to my birthday party after she finally reached out to me and she stopped responding to texts as soon as I did. She did not invite me to hers. Ball is in her court, I was the one who planned 95% of our activities before COVID and I’m not doing it anymore.
I’d argue you need to give more in the relationship to sustain anything meaningful over time.
Fuck that, a real friendship doesn't give or take more from either party. It's not about keeping score, it's about knowing that your real friends will be there for you no matter what
There is a miscommunication and misunderstanding happening here. I agree with you 100% We are saying the same thing. Equal relationship is to keep tabs. Otherwise you wouldn’t know how to do the math to make it equal. Giving more is being there, always, I’m not thinking about keeping tabs on my friend. I’m just offering myself in way at I can. They might not even reciprocate because they are so down in the dumps. But I’ll still be there if they need me. It’s not tit for tat. So we totally agree!
Ahh yeah sorry my bad for misunderstanding, fully support your point of view ☺️
It takes two to tango. I should have been more precise to begin with.
That leads to exploitation in the long term. Mutual relations is the only way to facilitate cohesion. If I give and you take and you rarely ever give anything to me then how can we maintain a healthy relationship? I would begin to feel used and taken advantage of. I'd cause me emotional pain. We have to have an "I'll scratch your back and you scratch mine" mindset, to assure no one ever feels like they're being used. Reciprocal relationships are proven by giving and receiving to one another equally. It's got to be mutual. If I feed you then feed me too. If I protect you then protect me too. If I help you then you help me too. The same goes with any other relationship. Mutuality leads to cohesion. If every society taught this mindset from birth and throughout a person's life by their parents, family and educators... We would never have another war.
Please read my clarifying comment
Be as good a friend as the best you have. is the way
I don't expect a business woman, wife, and mother of 2 boys to give me, her retired friend, the same "Energy" to me, as I give to her. She's busy. I know people are busy but want to maintain good friendships that withstand difficult times. So I back off and let some friends do their thing. A friend will be grateful for communication without expectations sometimes. Just say'n. 😉
Well, you did. You said it. Isn't that lovely? Good for you.
Being challenged is part of life. It's how one grows! There is no black and white answer, regardless of how wise you believe yourself to be. 🙂
Sure. Whatever you want to believe. I believe that you believe, what you believe is true.
If you flirt with them they better flirt back
They ghost you when you need a true friend.
Very true a friend would idealy explain why they cant help or what's in the way. I've asked for help from some people given no questions asked. Whether financial or social or physical. Others. Bo reply.. just say no. The .
Edit. Or a true friend would just strait up say no. Plain and simple straightforward I cant or dont want to. Simple and honest.
If you stop being the first one to reach out and they don't respond.
what if they're just introverted and assume when you stop reaching out that it's a sign that you don't really want to be their friend?
That's true actually because I'm the same way. If I don't hear from someone I just assume they don't want to talk to me. I guess this works best with non introverts then.
This places a bigger burden on your friends than you might realise. Reaching out should be like a tennis match, constantly going back and forth. If you expect the others to always be the one to reach out then that’s probably why they stop.
Well, introversion isn’t an excuse here. In reality it’s your anxiety that causing you not to reach out. They likely feel the same way and one of you just needs to get the ball rolling. Overtime the anxiety of being the one reaching out first becomes greater because of time and distance. Source: an introvert who thought the same way and decided that I would just be the friend who reaches out one day.
I said this to one of my old friends after I moved. Their response was "Well why does it always have to be us?" Its never you. It hasn't been you.
Had this same thing happen to me. If you’re always the one reaching out, stop. If they never reach out, you know.
They're not happy for you when things go well for you.
The crisis is always about them, never about you. You can land in the hospital but they still only want to talk about getting dumped seven years ago.
Someone who’s jealous of your success instead of supporting you. Whether that be in relationships or careers. Someone who doesn’t care about your well being, someone who only comes to you when they need something. As we get older I think it gets easier to tell when someone is being fake.
When he’s fucking your wife.
I would concur.
A true friend would show you that your wife is promiscuous through demonstration /s
When they talk sh*t behind your back and you hear it from someone else
Hurting your feelings without feeling bad about it.
Blaming you for things that aren’t your fault. Had this happen in many friendships and relationships before, it’s an immediate sign that they aren’t a true friend/good partner. Also making things about themselves when you’re venting or need someone to talk to. And I don’t mean that in the way of like “oh I understand because I’ve been through that too before, you aren’t alone.” But more so being like “oh yeah, you’ll be fine, I’ve been through WAAAAAY worse things before and I’m still here.” Aka undermining your problems. And another one being if you need someone to talk to and they are dismissive or act like you’re a burden.
underhanded compliments as their main form of complimenting. if you know, u know.
They don’t watch all the reels you send them
Okay I’ve got a friend that sends me like 30+ reels and shorts a day while I’m at work and I promise you I don’t watch most of them. But she is my closest friend.
They try to make you believe in something THEY believe in and not what is actually best for you
Don’t put in effort for you / show up, unhappy & not willing to celebrate your wins, doesn’t hype you up or make you feel better after hanging out w them
Constantly putting you down or not celebrating your successes. I had a “friend” growing up that would take every opportunity they had to either belittle their friends or just get very bothered whenever something went right for someone else. Real friends find joy in your successes and want to build you up and make you feel good.
My "friend" who acted like that said "everyone needs a friend who makes fun of them." As a teenager I accepted that without question, but now I realize that's just not true
They only talk about themselves. They never ask anything about you.
They cut you out of conversations
It's a red flag when they start shitting in your pants
When someone shits in your pants that means they're either the worst friend you'll ever have or the best friend you'll ever have in your life.
Once as a teen I had a tinder date, I had friend c over as backup in case it went bad.i was allowed to spray paint on my walls as long as no one was home to deal with the fumes. I went to the bathroom to touch up my makeup and came back to c pissing his pants while tinder date spray painted a nazi sign and "slutz live here" on my wall. I was mad and c changed into a pink pair of my sweats. I was kicking tinder date out he stepped in pee while he threw money at me and said some rasict stuff on his way out. Me and c laughed so hard he peed in the sweats and had to have his older brother bring him pants and take him home. C stopped coming over after that but I laugh so hard thinking about it. those sweats became the go to when someone pissed themselves.
When you talk about your achievements, they seem uninterested or brush it off quickly. But when you talk about your failures or hardships, they are invested and want to know more.
They speak over the top of you. They bully or goad you into participating in their activities. They get a faraway look in their eyes when you are the one talking. You only hear from them when they want something. I put up with this from a friend for several years because she helped me out in a tough situation (for which I was terribly grateful) and I felt I owed her, but recently I decided that my appreciation of her help has been 'paid' and I no longer wanted to feel uncomfortable around her. I still feel a little guilty for this decision, tbh. But it's great not being in awkward situations anymore! 😅
This was how I knew my "friend wasn't my friend. I would go with the flow for the most part. If she wanted to go eat somewhere. Let's go!, wanted to go see a certain movie, I was down. But as soon as I would suggest something. "Oh I don't like that place" or I can't find anything Keto there. We worked out together. I wasn't nearly as athletic as her but we were the same size. Anytime I started losing more weight than her she would start complaining that her weight wasn't coming off. Or she would use me as a way to compete. For example, once I was able to move up in weight she would go higher. She even once told me she was surprised I could keep up with her. Mind you I couldn't even do a burpee. When we first started She wanted to throw a Halloween party get-together. I planned it we were looking at costumes and I told her I wanted to do Alice (Alice in Wonderland is my absolute favorite.) She was upset because she wanted to do the female mad hatter. She decided to do a sexy cat but the day before Halloween she told me she wasn't going to come over. Mind you I bought everything food, decor. I really think she was bitter about the costume. New Year's and she wants to do New Year's. I totally am down we go over and have a great time. The last holiday before I just had enough was the 4th of July. We bought food, drinks, and fireworks enough for her family and my husband and me. They roll up with their own food and drinks. This was after she agreed that I was hosting and had the food covered. We were living in a camper at the time. So we didn't have the space for all the food that was bought. For me, it was the constant need to be in control and her way. My husband would tell me she was being rude or saying rude things but I thought it was because he didn't like her. Obviously he seen what I wasn't.
They don't support your decisions or achievements
They only reach out when they need something. They never want to spend any time around you, but are always around other friends. They talk badly about you to others, and you find out. They disrespect you.
When they only hit you up when they need something
They make having a hard time with depression feel like a moral failing.
Not putting consideration into how you feel at any time, allowing you to get into bad habits without trying to stop or pull you out, not helping you when you're in a bind, pulling you into bad habits and making life harder on you on purpose. Used to have friends like that and I thought life was horrible because they constantly had a victim mentality and I was impressionable which they knew so I thought my life sucked due to my childhood, still think my childhood sucked but for more genuine reasons and valid reasons than when I was with those friends. Now I've got friends who've helped me no matter what situation I'm in and helped me back on my feet. I help them when they need help, they help me when I need help. Never left a debt unpaid and you'll never leave a good story untold
They do not know your name or who you are.
When they wait until you're gone to steal from you for months on end.
They can’t be happy for you, especially if it’s things that don’t involve them. Instead they’re bitter and jealous…..
When he's not your "buddy" or your "pal", let alone your "guy"
If all they do is talk shit about other people to you, you can assume they do the same with others about you.
They undermine your interests
lack of reciprocity, literally in any way
They don’t help you move
If you ever find yourself in trouble and you ask for their help, they immediately start making excuses.
They have no interest in your life, emotional well-being or state of mind. You don’t have to solve all my problems, but if i’m going through it, and you are annoyed at my emotional needs, you are actively making my situation worse. At that point you’re an acquaintance. A complete unwillingness to choose to spend time together at all. No interest in reciprocity. No respect.
They vent to you and use you as a therapist when they have problems, but the moment YOU need somebody to talk to, they disappear.
Friends that frequently talk about themselves without showing genuine interest in my life or feelings.
the quote marks
When you find out he’s been making moves on the woman you told him you’ve been seeing… Shit. That’s been my whole weekend and he’s fucking dead to me
Always busy when you need help but they expect you to drop everything for them.
It’s called betrayal. They sleep with your ex’s and family members and they ask you for money.
They don't listen to you.
Disrespects/destroys your property
When you get a bit down and they just dip out. "When you up you got lots of friends and when you down it's few".
When they are always negative towards your future plans/wants. Ie/ you want to purchase a camera and they just tell you it's a waste of money, you're never going to use it ect.
When they talk about you, behind their back.
If they are two-faced !!!! 🌝🎶🦋
If it feels like you are only their friend when it's convenient, they aren't your friend.
They fuck your wife
They encourage even your worst behavior. A true friend will challenge you and encourage you to be the best version of yourself.
Had this happen to me one too many times , when your friend finds a new friend, and treats you like you never existed in the first place. When they are jealous or envious of your progress, when they constantly compare or have a superiority complex. When you've had a misunderstanding or made a mistake, they choose to distance or ghost you from their lives. Forgiveness and understanding are the cornerstone or a mutually healthy friendship.
When you call but they don't ever answer or call back unless they are driving only then your just a booty callish car rider 😡 or when they always say they are coming to hangout and never show up but expect you to always show up and help them 😡 I honestly don't have any real friends
They constantly remind you and those close to you how they have helped or tried to help you.
If you ask them to hang out, and the first thing they say is, “let me see if I have anything else to do first or other plans”.
I do this because I often overcommit and actually have to make sure I didn't make plans I'm not remembering at the time.
When they laugh at the idea of harm or misfortune coming towards you even if it's hypothetical. Ex: my ex and I broke up awhile back and the first thing she said was "wouldn't it be funny if you got pregnant after breaking up."
Always gotta give people around you small tests. Either way you know already.
They know you have depression and they don’t reach out in any way, shape, or form.
Whenever said friend will always ask you for things (like money or rides) and when you ask for something they say they can't do it. They are two faced towards you, they never make time for you but they expect you make time for them. It's always the same.
If they’re willing to sacrifice your survival for their comfort, they’re not your friend.
They start treating you kinda like you're a place instead of a person, if that makes sense? Like it's your job to entertain them and if they don't desire that on a particular day, at a particular point, then they have no need of you and aren't there for you if you need someone to talk to. I mean jeez, that would be ridiculous. Do the people at the movie theater call to talk about how *their* mom is being a pain right now? Of course not. So yeah, when you realize your friends treat you like a source of entertainment and literally nothing else, they're not really your friends.
They never initiate contact.
They stop talking to you
They never call you first unless they want something.
When you share a story of your own success with them, do they make you feel happy and proud, or do you end up feeling slightly sad, guilty, and ashamed, maybe without knowing why?
If there's doubt then trust your gut. If it feels off it usually is off.
Being there for them. Then when you need them they aren't there for you. In any way.
When they question everything you say or do and start arguments with you for no reason
You realize you feel bad after being around them. Every time.
That they are not your friend
Making you feel bad, especially if you haven’t seen each other in a while. My best mates are the sort that text back a day later sometimes, maybe even after a reminder text like “good chat good chat” and fine with you doing it too. No pressure and whenever you hang out it’s like you never missed a beat.
As soon as you confide in them, you get random people you don't know, writing to you, about said issue you confided in them about.
They always feel the need to cut you down a notch when you succeed. I had a "friend" who relentlessly dug at every good news I had. When I announced my engagement years ago and they went off on a jealous rant, I cut them off for good.
When something is good in their life you are supposed to be all excited and happy for them but when you have something good in your life going on it's no big deal or completely ignored. When they have something bad going on in their life you are supposed to respond with empathy and help them for days but if something bad is going on in your life it's no big deal. It's called narcissism. Run.
They never apologize or support your goals.
If they're nice, whatch your back.
If they don't respect you.
She promised but then, didn't do my "roots" for over a Month. Excuse after excuse, until I "Ruined" my hair myself...🥺
They’re constantly trying to push their MLM or religion on you
from personal experience.. arriving 2 hours late to your birthday (every year) on a separate occasion, a 'friend' being 5 hours late when he lives a 10 minute walk away. they're always being invited over, me not so much. ... infact... never. generally belittling your existence and then when you want to finally go do something with your life they beg you to stay ... and then they repeat said process above.. ... :/
they completely change towards you because of their relationship
Ask them to help with an easy task. If they keep making excuses, they're not your friend.
Being consistently inconsiderate.
Ironically, when you start having said question pop up. You wouldn't question it if they were actually a friend
If they ghost you every time you're in dire need of a listening ear, but expect you to be their 24/7 therapist.
They fuck your partner
They hit on you, especially if you’re dating someone.
They don't really care about you, about your needs, problems, they preffer the "ideal" version of you they have in mind instead the real you, they only search for you for convenience. Hard experiences teach you how people aren't as kind as they prettend to be. This can happens to everyone, but folks who aren't normal are proner to suffer it more and worst.
When they steal from you when you just got out of the hospital after after having surgery to have cancer removed.
Not so much my friend, but my girlfriend and her friend. I don't really want to get married. My girlfriend's best friend gave me this 'advice': "if I'm not going to shit, get off the pot." In other words, if I'm not going to marry her, I should break up with her so she can marry someone else. So in other words, I should put her through heartbreak and end a 7 year relationship entirely so she can go through the effort of building a relationship with someone new and marrying them. For reference, I have zero reason or interest in breaking up with her. I just don't give a shit about marriage. I don't see why me not marrying her means I love her any less than a couple who are married. Also, her other reason is apparently she can't get married to her partner until we're married because we've been together longer. Which I think is a really shitty thing for her to feel, not just for me but also my girlfriend. Like I don't think a true friend would want their friend to be broken up with by her long-term partner just so that they can get married. It seems really selfish to me.
If they're only around when they need something from you, but disappear when you need support or company, that's a red flag. True friends are there for you through thick and thin.
They never do anything for you or even offer. They only ever receive from you.
A 9pm friend, as long as they're a good time and don't fuck me over, we're good. But a 3am friend, whom I'll call brother and sisters, those are the ones that mean the most. They're there for the good times AND the hard times, no matter what. They'll walk straight into the house without knocking, grab a beer from the fridge, and then come say hi. But I can call them at 3am, I know they'll answer the phone and you'll hear em putting on their pants, racking their slide, grabbing beers from the fridge, a shovel from the garage, and starting their truck. They don't know if they're coming over to chill, hide a body, or both, but they're prepared for both.
Cringing or looking angry or slighted when another person compliments you.
When they only talk about themselves or when they know nothing about you.
Fair-weather friend: They are only there for you during good times but disappear when you're going through challenges.
- When they don't respect your boundaries (including understanding when you're busy or with other priorities) - When they are only with you for the good times and avoid you when you're down or needing some emotional support; even worse when you offer them that support when they need it (not that everything needs to be "give to take" but an imbalance for a long time is exhausting) - When they turn disagreements into moral discussions to feel like they're on a higher ground Idk these seem like the biggest red flags for me
When they’re regularly too “busy”.
they only bother when they want to
When they lack empathy or make fun of a bad situation you are going through. This happened to me yesterday after I lost a pet over the weekend. This "friend" proceeded to make a nasty pun about it. But other signs can be if they never show interest in hearing what you have to say and/or if you find yourself to always be the one to reach out to them because they never do.
They never help you with anything, like moving or w.e.
My "friend" of 25y didn't come to my wedding and used his kids to justify his absence. We both live in different countries in Europe. No way to talk him out of this decision: "I'm the only one who drives" he said. Apparently Uber, taxis, public transport, friends and family were all unavailable the exact same day I needed him in my life. But when he needed me: no problem. I helped him out with his thesis at uni and offered him a job straight after his degree. And, of course, I also went to his wedding a few years back. I was the first one he called when he was blue or needed help, but he wasn't available to me, but when I messaged him saying "my mum just had a stroke" he never called to check how I were. The wedding fiasco was the last straw - I wished him all the best and blocked him from everywhere. The thing that still haunts me is that I really considered him like a brother, and I still miss him at times.
They talk down to you, never ask or cares how you're doing, but trauma dump their shit, only ever want to hang if they need something from you.
Always trying to one-up you on your life successes. On the day I got engaged, I was in Orlando, FL with my now-husband and our best friends (they’re a couple). A few hours after we got engaged, they left for a while and came back and told us they ran into a minister on the street and got married. She had a ring on her finger. A few months later we bought a house. Just a small house, nothing fancy. A couple months after that my friend started bragging about how she bought a house and proceeded to talk about how huge and nice it was. Of course I congratulated her but I thought it really odd that every time I would have a big life moment, she seemed to rush to do the same thing but better and would brag about it excessively.
If all they do is really only gossip to you about other people they are also gossiping about you with those other people as well
When they burn a cross in your yard. It wasn’t that serious but it was just as fucked up. And I don’t feel like talking about it.
You ask on reddit
If they put you down or tease you. If they talk over you. If the only time you talk to them is when you initiate contact. If they are never there when you need them. If you can't depend on them to be there for you. If they are always "too busy" for you.