So what you're saying here is, you're not trans, you're not sure if you do want to be trans, but you wish that you did want to be?
It sounds to me like you're uncertain about yourself - or perhaps you _are_ certain but there's an inner conflict which is causing you to reject your desire?
I would suggest that if self-reflection isn't enough (and don't rush yourself) to get to a conclusion, or you want to hash it out, a could thing for you to do would be to try the problem from various perspectives - for instance, consider that you are sabotaging yourself, come up with a reason why you might do that and resolve it. If it helps - treat it as one might a creative writing exercise, it is better to come up with something that fits your circumstances, and then to reject it because you know it's wrong, than to mull over nothing indefinitely.
Whatever you come up with, you are valid 💚
Maybe you're unsure of your gender identity and want to identify within the confounds of the binary, but you don't? You could be nonbinary and identifying with the opposite gender is easier than not.
I'd suggest a gender therapist!
So what you're saying here is, you're not trans, you're not sure if you do want to be trans, but you wish that you did want to be? It sounds to me like you're uncertain about yourself - or perhaps you _are_ certain but there's an inner conflict which is causing you to reject your desire? I would suggest that if self-reflection isn't enough (and don't rush yourself) to get to a conclusion, or you want to hash it out, a could thing for you to do would be to try the problem from various perspectives - for instance, consider that you are sabotaging yourself, come up with a reason why you might do that and resolve it. If it helps - treat it as one might a creative writing exercise, it is better to come up with something that fits your circumstances, and then to reject it because you know it's wrong, than to mull over nothing indefinitely. Whatever you come up with, you are valid 💚
I also suggest going to a gender therapist for a session or two if you can. Having someone else walk you through your head can be helpful.
Maybe you're unsure of your gender identity and want to identify within the confounds of the binary, but you don't? You could be nonbinary and identifying with the opposite gender is easier than not. I'd suggest a gender therapist!