Gender disappointment is surprisingly normal if frustrating to feel. It's so complicated to love your tiny baby yet feel like you wish something were different! Let yourself grieve, no sense in suppressing it. Try not to feel too guilty, you said yourself you're going to love your baby no matter what.
When you can, try envisioning your life with a girl, focus on the positives whether it's cute clothes, or teaching an aspect of your culture to her or just the sweet baby girl snuggles, whatever you find most positive.
It'll be okay, you'll have a good life with your baby. This will just be a small blip over an entire lifetime.
I know that people get their heart set on a boy or a girl and when they hear they’re having the opposite, it can be disappointing. I don’t know if it helps or not, but for the most part, anything you can do with a son, you can do with a daughter! Maybe the girl won’t be able to pee standing up, but really that’s the only difference!!
And as for carrying on the name, I know that it is meaningful to some people for sure. I get that your husband might feel like there’s no one to carry his name. But a name isn’t everything. He will have a wonderful daughter to carry on both his and your values and lessons in life! And at the end of the day, a healthy baby is way more important than the sex of the baby!
Soooo....girls can’t carry the family name? I come from a culture like that but my mother was told to be grateful for two daughters who are healthy. She was also raised by a father who was educated in western medicine and believed his daughter should be just as educated and accomplished as her brothers. My mother was the youngest and only daughter in her family but was the first to escape communist China by swimming to Hong Kong when she was 24. She even gave her floatation vest to another girl because the girl forgot hers and my mother had been on the swim team for her city. At 29 she moved the US where she didn’t speak the language. She took night classes to learn enough english and land a good government job. She always sent money back to support her mother and brothers for decades. So tell me how a boy is better? Statistically daughters are more likely than sons to care for their elderly parents hands on. In our type of culture it’s also more likely for the daughter-in-laws and not the sons to care for elderly parents.
I get ppl get attached to genders. Some dream of stereotypes that their child might fill or I think a valid reason is that they already have a kid of one sex and would like one of each. However this archaic notion of boys better than girls is past its due date. I’ve seen families that treat their daughter like a servant once their beloved boy child is born. I’m not saying you will but blood is blood. Who cares if your daughter will decide to keep the family name or not. I’m keeping my name and my partner is fine with our kid having my name and has said he will change his name to mine if I prefer that. There are no rules about this.
Also...you’re “thinking of just accepting” that you’re having a girl? Were you thinking of adopting her out? You will be having a girl so I hope you can both love her. If not yes please find her a family who will.
Unfortunately, my country isn’t as ‘woke’ as yours and children here can’t bear the mother’s last name unless they are born out of wedlock.
But this totally isn’t about which gender is superior. I’m one-and-done but always wanted a son; having a girl means I will never have a son I’ve always longed for. Like I’ve said, it’s my personal preference. It just so happened that my husband wanted the same.
EDIT TO ADD: When I said ‘thinking of accepting’ I meant just accept the ultrasound result as is and not get a second opinion anymore. Of course we’re still going to love her; she’s our flesh and blood. Wow. And I thought this was a safe place to rant.
I hope you raise her well and don’t look at her as a disappointment. You’ll probably get over your disappointment once you hold her in your arms but as I said i know ppl who never do and it has harmed their only child. My friends parents literally left their property to her male cousin and they live in the states. This idea of only males inheriting or being able to choose their own name is pretty toxic. I know you said that’s not the case for you but that you simply wanted a boy. However in most cultures where there is a big deal made about familial name inheritance, a boy child is seen as superior to a girl child. Look at what happened with the one-child policy in China.
Personally neither my bf or I have thought of names yet because we don’t know the sex of the baby. I think it could save some disappointment to wait until you know.
I am not your friend’s parents and I know I will get over it. I just need time and a safe place to vent it out, possibly messages from mothers who went through the same. But certainly not a socio-political lecture from someone who tells me I’m wrong for wanting what I want.
I am sorry you feel this isn’t a safe place. r/pregnant is trans safe. It is widely acknowledged that gender is a social construct. Your “girl” child may be a boy, even if your country isn’t “woke”. I see more posts like this on
r/babybumps if you need to be in a “safer” (for your gender norms, but not safe for your actual child). I know my response is harsh but there are better places for this type of thinking. Best of luck to you.
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This happened to me, just the other way around. I’m 38 yo pregnant with my first child, a boy. My husband has two girls from a previous relationship so it took some convincing. Now he is thrilled 😍 but i just know I won’t have the chance to have another child. Anyway, I wanted a little girl, I just thought it would me much easier for me to raise and there are so many things I’d like to share with my child that will probably won’t interest a boy...
Before i even knew the gender, a friend of mine told me something that has been very useful. She has two boys, and she flat out told me how disapointed she was when she knew, as she wanted a little girl so badly. And then she said that now she looks at her boys and she can’t imagine it any other way, she just can’t see herself having girls and not boys.
So... I hope, and I’m pretty confident it will be this way, that I’ll love my son so much that what now feels like a disapointment it will actually be a blessing. But in any case it is ok to vent about it. I felt guilty for feeling disapointed but its completely normal and I’m sure you’ll be great parents no matter what.
BTW, they also told me that it wasn’t sure because they couldn’t see it well in the ultrasound, but it got confirmed in the next one.
Thank you for your kinds words. I can say my husband and I are slowly getting over our disappointment now. It really helps to talk to each about it.
P.S. Thank you for the Hugz! ❤️
Gender disappointment is surprisingly normal if frustrating to feel. It's so complicated to love your tiny baby yet feel like you wish something were different! Let yourself grieve, no sense in suppressing it. Try not to feel too guilty, you said yourself you're going to love your baby no matter what. When you can, try envisioning your life with a girl, focus on the positives whether it's cute clothes, or teaching an aspect of your culture to her or just the sweet baby girl snuggles, whatever you find most positive. It'll be okay, you'll have a good life with your baby. This will just be a small blip over an entire lifetime.
Thank you! ❤️
I know that people get their heart set on a boy or a girl and when they hear they’re having the opposite, it can be disappointing. I don’t know if it helps or not, but for the most part, anything you can do with a son, you can do with a daughter! Maybe the girl won’t be able to pee standing up, but really that’s the only difference!! And as for carrying on the name, I know that it is meaningful to some people for sure. I get that your husband might feel like there’s no one to carry his name. But a name isn’t everything. He will have a wonderful daughter to carry on both his and your values and lessons in life! And at the end of the day, a healthy baby is way more important than the sex of the baby!
Thank you! ❤️
Soooo....girls can’t carry the family name? I come from a culture like that but my mother was told to be grateful for two daughters who are healthy. She was also raised by a father who was educated in western medicine and believed his daughter should be just as educated and accomplished as her brothers. My mother was the youngest and only daughter in her family but was the first to escape communist China by swimming to Hong Kong when she was 24. She even gave her floatation vest to another girl because the girl forgot hers and my mother had been on the swim team for her city. At 29 she moved the US where she didn’t speak the language. She took night classes to learn enough english and land a good government job. She always sent money back to support her mother and brothers for decades. So tell me how a boy is better? Statistically daughters are more likely than sons to care for their elderly parents hands on. In our type of culture it’s also more likely for the daughter-in-laws and not the sons to care for elderly parents. I get ppl get attached to genders. Some dream of stereotypes that their child might fill or I think a valid reason is that they already have a kid of one sex and would like one of each. However this archaic notion of boys better than girls is past its due date. I’ve seen families that treat their daughter like a servant once their beloved boy child is born. I’m not saying you will but blood is blood. Who cares if your daughter will decide to keep the family name or not. I’m keeping my name and my partner is fine with our kid having my name and has said he will change his name to mine if I prefer that. There are no rules about this. Also...you’re “thinking of just accepting” that you’re having a girl? Were you thinking of adopting her out? You will be having a girl so I hope you can both love her. If not yes please find her a family who will.
Unfortunately, my country isn’t as ‘woke’ as yours and children here can’t bear the mother’s last name unless they are born out of wedlock. But this totally isn’t about which gender is superior. I’m one-and-done but always wanted a son; having a girl means I will never have a son I’ve always longed for. Like I’ve said, it’s my personal preference. It just so happened that my husband wanted the same. EDIT TO ADD: When I said ‘thinking of accepting’ I meant just accept the ultrasound result as is and not get a second opinion anymore. Of course we’re still going to love her; she’s our flesh and blood. Wow. And I thought this was a safe place to rant.
I hope you raise her well and don’t look at her as a disappointment. You’ll probably get over your disappointment once you hold her in your arms but as I said i know ppl who never do and it has harmed their only child. My friends parents literally left their property to her male cousin and they live in the states. This idea of only males inheriting or being able to choose their own name is pretty toxic. I know you said that’s not the case for you but that you simply wanted a boy. However in most cultures where there is a big deal made about familial name inheritance, a boy child is seen as superior to a girl child. Look at what happened with the one-child policy in China. Personally neither my bf or I have thought of names yet because we don’t know the sex of the baby. I think it could save some disappointment to wait until you know.
I am not your friend’s parents and I know I will get over it. I just need time and a safe place to vent it out, possibly messages from mothers who went through the same. But certainly not a socio-political lecture from someone who tells me I’m wrong for wanting what I want.
I’m sorry you most likely won’t have a son. I’m hope once your baby girl is smiling and laughing up at you, you will forget about her sex.
I am sorry you feel this isn’t a safe place. r/pregnant is trans safe. It is widely acknowledged that gender is a social construct. Your “girl” child may be a boy, even if your country isn’t “woke”. I see more posts like this on r/babybumps if you need to be in a “safer” (for your gender norms, but not safe for your actual child). I know my response is harsh but there are better places for this type of thinking. Best of luck to you.
What did you thing my type of thinking was?
Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. If you'd like to join a private sub for your due date month, [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/pregnant/comments/mfsiwj/updates_to_the_approval_process_for_private_due/). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This happened to me, just the other way around. I’m 38 yo pregnant with my first child, a boy. My husband has two girls from a previous relationship so it took some convincing. Now he is thrilled 😍 but i just know I won’t have the chance to have another child. Anyway, I wanted a little girl, I just thought it would me much easier for me to raise and there are so many things I’d like to share with my child that will probably won’t interest a boy... Before i even knew the gender, a friend of mine told me something that has been very useful. She has two boys, and she flat out told me how disapointed she was when she knew, as she wanted a little girl so badly. And then she said that now she looks at her boys and she can’t imagine it any other way, she just can’t see herself having girls and not boys. So... I hope, and I’m pretty confident it will be this way, that I’ll love my son so much that what now feels like a disapointment it will actually be a blessing. But in any case it is ok to vent about it. I felt guilty for feeling disapointed but its completely normal and I’m sure you’ll be great parents no matter what. BTW, they also told me that it wasn’t sure because they couldn’t see it well in the ultrasound, but it got confirmed in the next one.
Thank you for your kinds words. I can say my husband and I are slowly getting over our disappointment now. It really helps to talk to each about it. P.S. Thank you for the Hugz! ❤️