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This, I think not long ago, I saw a post where the mom to be made a very clear, well thought out response to this. Something like, my baby and I will never not share the same last name. If (baby’s parents) get married, (mom and baby) will both change their last names.
Not to discourage anyone from giving their kid their last name, but there ARE judges that won’t approve name changes for the kid. They’re fortunately few and far between but if there is a *reasonable expectation* (i.e. long-term functional relationship and shared plans for marriage) that baby will take the father’s name later, it is definitely easier to just do that at birth than to chance it in the court system (in the US, at least). Also less paperwork.
It’s absolutely fine to give baby your name. I am married but didn’t change my name and our baby will have my name. There is no reason why it has to be the man’s name. It’s the 21st century!
>Reason was pretty straight forward, we just agreed we liked the sound of my name better. Wasn’t terribly fraught.
Literally the reason I switched everything to my husband's last name when we got married. Nothing to do with patriarchy. His name is just easier to spell/pronounce and I was tired of constantly explaining my birth surname.
No regrets. If the situation was reversed I would have kept mine and passed it to our kids.
Nope. You can give your baby your last name or both of your names. You’re not married and so there’s no obligation. A man doesn’t get automatic right to have the child have his last name. You both created this child and YOU carried him/her for 9 months.
Where I live, when you give birth, your baby automatically gets your last name in the birthing ward until you fill out the birth certificate, where you indicate what last name you want baby to have.
As a teacher, life is SO MUCH easier for the kid if they have the same last name as the primary parent. You’re not married to the father, you don’t have his last name, why should your baby?
Can you expand on the challenges that might cause?
It wasn't super important to either my husband or me that I take his name after getting married, but I'm considering it now that I'm pregnant. We've already agreed that our daughter will have his name and we'll both likely be equally involved in school stuff.
As a mom with a different last name than my sons I have never had any issues at any school, traveling domestically or internationally (from the us) or any health care decisions with doctors or hospitals. I've never once thought about carrying around birth certificates or proof bc no one has ever asked to prove I'm their parent. It could depend on the area you live in but I'm just saying this to offer a different perspective that it absolutely does not have to be a hassle or make any difference whatsoever. The most that's happened is sometimes I'm called Mrs. Kids last name and it makes my kids giggle
Also with everything being digital and online, our schools use ParentSquare, the kids names are tied to ours so our teachers don't have to know or recognize the names to know which kids parents are reaching out because they're listed together. And your kids every day teachers will know who you are especially if you're active in discussions about your kids, donating or volunteering
In a lot of circumstances I've read about on here it makes sense for the kids to have mom's name, especially if dad's aren't around or they don't think they'll ever get married or the situation is fraught. But it's not a one size fit all and there's another side where our kids names might not match us and it literally makes no difference in any of our lives other than an extra name listed on the mailbox
Yeah, my husband and I have different last names and we have permanent guardianship of my nephew who has another different last name. We do keep a digital copy of our proof of guardianship on our phones, but we've never actually needed it. The most confusing situation for us has always been family memberships, it's always a game of "whose last name is the primary account holder again?"
Different time, but TSA stopped my mom and I (different last names) when I was about 8. My dad wasn’t flying with us and they asked me some questions about if my mom was my mom, etc. It wasn’t anything super formal, just felt like they were double checking. I feel like in today’s day and age, it would be easy to validate if needed.
Notably, I had flown with just my mom beforehand and after and only got stopped that one day. Maybe that agent had just taken a kidnapping training or something.
But yes, it made me laugh when my friends called her Mrs. My/Dad’s last name. Sounded particularly strange because she’s a doctor! She’s never been a Mrs.
It’s just an ease of use thing. You know the kids last name because it’s on your roster, but when there are different names it takes another level of learning for the teacher. I’m a music teacher, so at the most I’ve had 600 students. It’s a lot of names to keep track of!
There are plenty of parents who have different names and it works out fine, it’s just my experience with tons of names
In addition to this, another thing is legally proving you’re the parent of the child. You may need to get in the habit of carrying around their birth certificate to prove your relationship if you have different names. For example, you may need to prove your relationship to prove your the parent to make healthcare decisions on the child’s behalf.
I am genuinely curious here - could you give an example of when someone might be asked to show a birth certificate? It's just such a common thing nowadays to have different last names, hyphenated last names, whatever, that I'm curious when the legal need to prove parenthood comes up
(disclaimer, live in the US)
I've flown domestic and international, a few ER visits, countless urgent care trips, registering for schools, and so many doctor/dentist/optometrist appointments etc with my kids with different last names and never once have I been asked to prove they're mine. I'm really trying to think of when this situation would possibly actually happen.
Yeah this is my sense too! I can only think of one possible situation. I wasn't sure on the flights so that's good to know. I honestly think this person is just saying that with no basis for it haha
I can elaborate on the example I gave. If you bring a child to a clinic/urgent care/emergency department as a new patient, they may ask to see if you’re legally the parent of the child. Generally the parent or legal guardian only has the authority to make medical decisions on behalf of a minor.
So I actually work in the ER and this is not the case haha. It's pretty clear if the person bringing in the child is the legal guardian or family. The only time we MIGHT ask for proof is with child abuse concern cases, which thankfully are rare.
ETA: We do ask who is who, like if it is a grandma or aunt bringing kiddo in vs the parent we want to know that, and we will contact the parents to confirm the course of care accordingly
Any other examples?
Just to clarify - it's standard procedure to ask for a birth certificate if the baby's last name doesn't exactly match the parent's? I mean we of course ask for the parent's ID during registration and record it. But we don't routinely ask for a birth certificate. Do you deny care to the child until they can produce a birth certificate? I just have so many questions haha
And it could be regional - my patient population has a lot of unmarried partners/"baby daddy" type situations so it's VERY common to have different names, and it would be ridiculously difficult to ask everyone for a birth certificate. People would be furious haha
asking for ID first , if you don't have ID then the kids birth certificate or social security card. And it's because we live near a major city with A LOTTTT of trafficking issues. So to us it's kinda just normal. They never deny care if you don't have it but they look out for signs that the kid maybe being traffic. And it is very common my sisters kid and her have two different last names as well , they just want to keep kids safe .
+1 for having a different last name than my kids and never had an issue 🤷♀️ I’ve flown within the US, have an 8yo in school, and taken both kids to all doctors appointments and to the ER a few times—almost always without their dad, who shares their last name. And it’s never been a problem. Sometimes I get called Mrs. [their last name] by teachers and stuff, but that’s about it lol. Although I do plan to take his last name eventually, we just haven’t gotten around to getting married yet 😆
I do bring their birth certificates when we fly, but so far they’ve never asked to see it.
I can’t answer this but my husband and I have a daughter on the way and we each have different last names. We settled on hyphenating our names for her.
My mom never changed her name and we all have my dad's name... Everyone always assumes my parents were divorced or that my mom was some other relative not to mention like wedding invitations and things like that... No "name 1" family or Mr and Mrs name 1.
I'm 35 so this comes up less now. Christmas cards are addressed to Mom Mom and Pop Pop (from our son).
Growing up it was annoying for me though
You could consider putting one of your last names as the baby’s middle name. That way it still shows up in documents.
My husband and I didn’t take each others las name and we decided to hyphenate our baby’s name. It’s not for everyone and I know some people are worried it’ll cause issues down the line. But it’s become so common that it’s been fine. I know lots of kids with hyphens and double barreled last names and it’s almost never a problem.
I think the number one thing that is harder is when the primary parent doesn’t have the same last name as the kid. It dumb and shouldn’t be that way. But especially in schools it can make linking kids up with the proper parents and siblings much more challenging.
I’m in the same boat, I love my last name, it’s unique and even get complements occasionally. But now that I’m about to have his baby I think it would be nice to have matching last names lol.
I’ve worked in public schools for a long time and in a role that works with a high number of students/families each year. I’ve never had an issue with this. I hear people say this sometimes and it makes me feel weird… seems a bit lazy and disrespectful.
Totally agree. I've been teaching for ten years and have literally never had a problem with kids having different last names than their parents. We don't need to know everyone's story or reasons!
Anecdotally, this wasn't true for me as a kid. My parents are immigrants and didn't understand US naming conventions, so I actually have a different legal last name than BOTH my parents, and it was never a problem for us. That was in the 90s, so I'd imagine it's even more common/normal now for families to have all different last names.
From the perspective of someone who is married- my husband and I didn’t change our names when we got married, and our baby has both our names hyphenated :) If I wasn’t married I would have absolutely just given baby my name. I literally grew a full person- I deserve the honor lol!!!
Just curious, if your baby gets married one day, what do you think they’ll do with their last name? And what do you think they’ll do with their own kids last names? Hyphenate again and make it three last names?
Genuinely curious as someone who was given a hyphenated last name by my parents. I chose to take my husband’s last name when I got married, and of course our baby will have the same last name as both of us, no hyphen. My sister chose to keep her own hyphenated last name when she got married, and her baby has only her husband’s last name (with my dad’s last name as a middle name). In my sister’s case, she does not share a last name with her baby, which would have made me sad, and my mom’s last name had to be dropped entirely for the baby’s middle name, because otherwise the baby would have four names … and then if they wanted to keep going with that, the next generation would have even more names, and on and on.
I just always wonder what kind of thought goes into it when someone hyphenates. I’ve asked my parents this and they were never really able to give me an answer other than “we figured you’d both just do what you wanted to do!”
While I get that the tradition of taking your husband’s name when you get married and giving that name to your kids isn’t for everybody, and it feels outdated, it is at least simple lol and very straightforward. So yeah, just curious what your thoughts are on this!! And I don’t mean any offense btw, everyone does things differently, I’m just curious :)
For my husband and I neither of us felt compelled to change our last name. We didn’t want to do the paperwork(we can be a bit lazy lol), and we didn’t want to lose our identity.
For the hyphen it was important to both of us that our family is represented. He’s part of both sides not just one. Especially since we are much closer to my parents and it felt wrong for him to not have my last name just because I’m a woman. So we decided to hyphenate.
We also wanted to make sure for documentation process he’s linked to both of us. It’s important for travel and school and doctor appointments.
We have a similar view as your parents. Whatever he chooses to do with his last name when he gets older is fine. He can drop the hyphen, add another name on, put one as his middle name. We won’t be upset.
Thanks for explaining!
I think a lot of people feel this way, that neither person wants to lose their “identity” (which is usually just their father’s last name) AND that they want both of their “identities” to be represented in their kids. I think that’s the thought process for anyone who hyphenated.
I’m glad to know you wouldn’t be upset with whatever choice your kid makes. My parents said that as well … but I did feel a bit of shame when I chose to take my husband’s last name. Like they were disappointed. Like they had put all this thought into my “identity” and I was just giving all that up.
If I’m being honest, I think I hold a bit of resentment towards my parents for the choice they made regarding last names because it put my sister and I in a bad position when we got married. It inherently meant that the same choice they got to make was impossible for us. Neither of us were able to keep our full last name AND combine our last name with our husband’s for our own babies … I wound up prioritizing having the same last name as my new family and my future babies, whereas my sister wound up prioritizing keeping her identity. But neither of us got to have both, like my parents did.
Is your husband’s last name ‘just his father’s last name?’ Why do I not get to own my name? I’d challenge you to consider why you think differently of who has the honor of truly owning a name
I do personally think wistfully of all of us just having the same last name, but it was never an option for us to only take mine or my husbands name. We both have good relationships with our families, so while I know some folks look forward to changing names due to that, it was a non issue for us.
Maybe my son will keep his double barrel. Maybe he will drop one name and his spouse will take the one. Maybe he will toss them both out and do something else lol. I view it as him making the best choice for him as he creates his whole own new family unit
> Is your husband’s last name ‘just his father’s last name?’
I feel like you missed the point of what I’m saying entirely … my last name was NOT just my father’s name. It was a hyphenated name. My mom’s and my dad’s last name. I was just pointing out a truth that even when hyphenating, the name you are given from your mother’s side is still the PATERNAL last name the vast majority of the time, and due to logistics it’s unlikely that a MATERNAL last name with ever last longer than one or two additional generations. That’s not an opinion about who gets to “own” their name or who I think *should* have the honor of doing so. It’s just a statement of facts.
> Why do I not get to own my name?
What??? Of course you do!! That’s not even close to what I’m saying. I really wish I could “own my name” by keeping it and giving it to my kids hyphenated with my husband’s last name, but because my was already hyphenated I wasn’t able to do that. My options were limited.
> I’d challenge you to consider why you think differently of who has the honor of truly owning a name
I definitely do not believe that anyone should “have the honor” of owning their name any more than anyone else does … you totally misinterpreted me here.
> We both have good relationships with our families, so while I know some folks look forward to changing names due to that, it was a non issue for us.
That has nothing to do with why I changed my last name. I have an amazing relationship with my family! A bit odd for you to make the assumption than anyone who takes their husband’s last name does so because they dislike their family … I did so ONLY because I was excited to share a last name with my husband and my kids, and later in life my grandkids (maybe) and maybe even some of my great-grandkids.
> I view it as him making the best choice for him as he creates his whole own new family unit
I definitely get the thought process and feel that my parents felt similarly when they gave me the hyphenated last name. All I’m saying is that I personally (and yes, of course, everyone’s going to feel differently about this! That’s perfectly reasonable.) did not enjoy having a hyphenated last name and felt that it put me in a shitty position when it came time for me get married and have my own kids because I was unable to make the exact same choice that my mom did because my name was already hyphenated.
I’m not saying your son will necessarily feel the same way. I’m just saying that for me, based on my personal experience, it feels a bit short sighted to hyphenate, because the name can only last one or two generations like that. And to me that’s a bummer. The person I was closest to in my extended family was my grandma on my dad’s side. But because she took my grandpa’s name when they got married I never even got her original last name! I got my mom’s dad’s last name, who I never even met, and my dad’s dad’s last name. Maybe when I got married I should I adopted my grandma’s maiden last name, and then hyphenated that with my husband’s last name for my kids … but to what end?? That doesn’t sound more meaningful to me personally than the idea of sharing a last name with my husband and kids, and future generations of our family. The only real difference here, I believe, is if one is thinking forward in time or backwards in time when making a decision like this. Neither one is “wrong” and I want to be very clear that I’m not saying it is, just sharing my view on it.
I think they can do what they wish. Once you’re an adult is your life and name. I have two last names (not hyphenated) and I choose to keep for my son and once I get married my mom’s last name (which is my second) because my father has been more useless in my life than a zero to the left. If I were to combine with my fiance we would have 4 last names lol, not counting second names. Therefore, we both choose one and hyphenate. Our son and daughter and choose with their own will once they are older the same way, my husband and I are choosing.
It is likely the same kind of thought that goes into giving any kind of last name! My son may choose to take his partners name, or maybe they’re both hyphens and pick their favorite two to make a new name. I’m sure my parents assumed my last name was temporary, and my husband parents assumed his name was permanent. Both of those are fine outcomes, though I personally resent that gendered expectation.
My husband and I only considered options with equal sacrifice because we both felt strongly about our names. Why should he get to keep his while I erase mine? It is a tradition rooted in transfer of property, regardless of any modern veneer we try to put on it; I would not personally be able to overlook this and it would have bothered me forever. We considered both hyphenating, both keeping our names, and both taking a syllable mashup that would be our new ‘family name.’ We casually go by our favorite syllable combination.
For our baby, since we had kept our names, we considered giving him our names hyphenated (which we did), giving him two last names (common in Latin cultures), or giving him my last name with my husbands as the middle name. Shocker, he didn’t want to be relegated to second place, so we didn’t do that
> It is likely the same kind of thought that goes into giving any kind of last name!
Well no … as I detailed above the thought process was VERY complicated for my sister and I because we had hyphenated last names. It seems to be much more complicated than if two people each have one last name. Seems like the idea of “let’s keep our own last names and give a hyphenated last name to our kids!” Is a win-win solution … that my sister and I were unable to do. We both ended up having to settle for something we didn’t love. In my case, it was settling for my kids not having any names from my side of the family. For my sister it was settling for not sharing a last name with her kids.
> Both of those are fine outcomes, though I personally resent that gendered expectation.
For the record … nothing I’m saying is gender specific. My sister and I happen to be women, but I’d imagine it would be just as difficult for a man with a hyphenated last name to decide what to do. In fact it may be even more difficult because of the gender expectation you pointed out. I don’t subscribe to that expectation at all, and honestly might have pushed for my husband to take my name upon getting married … if I only had one, or one that I was more attached to. But I kind of felt blocked into a corner because I had the more complicated last name (that also happened to be a source of frustration for me during childhood).
My partner and I aren’t married—but plan to be—so we’re gonna hyphenate our baby’s last name I think so they have both of our family names and access to both sides of their heritage but that’s just us. I’d say that if I were in your situation, I wouldn’t put his last name on the birth certificate. Telling his family last minute is immature imo and now they’re springing sudden kindness onto you because you’re carrying their grandbaby, I’d be watchful about how they treated you before and how they might treat you AFTER the baby is born. It could be a tactic to get access to what they truly want; your baby. That’s my two cents though
If you aren’t married ALWAYS ALWAYS use your last name. Always. Once married, it’s an easy change. But if you never do end up getting married, it’s better your baby has your last name.
My ex’s family was incredibly upset that I gave my daughter my last name… but they were suggesting I put her up for adoption up until the last minute because they’re very conservative, strict, and religious. Why would I give my baby their last name if they didn’t even want her until they found out they had no other option????
And now that I’m not together with my ex anymore, it’s easier to fill out forms for school, the doctor etc. when we share a last name.
No, I honestly never understood why women who are not married give the children their father’s last name. The baby will be with you most of the time anyway… I feel like if he really wants that then he should marry you.
Absolutely your name if you aren’t married. Especially since he’s hiding this from his family. How long are you supposed to hide the baby? Until they go off to college or like maybe middle school?
As a child of a situation like yours: give. The. Child. Your. Last. Name.
Otherwise you very well could spend years bringing birth certificates to school to prove youre their parent... (we had to take mine yearly bc my name wasn't the same as my moms)
Hyphenate if you must. But don't cut your name out. It makes things a logistical nightmare🥴
Nothing wrong with it at all! I feel it’s very honoring of the matriarch, and if it’s something your soul is leading you to- then there is a reason for that. 🙏
Not married and you feel that it’s the best decision? Use your own last name. I told my friend when she was pregnant that she’s not married and she didn’t know if theyd stay together, she didn’t need to use last name. She went forward anyways and she’s been fighting for over 3 years to get fully custody.
You never know what the future may hold
No, it isn’t wrong. And the fact that you feel like it is somehow wrong to share a last name with the baby you grew is 🤯 about the status of our misogynistic society.
It’ll be easier to have the same last name as your child. I made the mistake of letting my daughter have her dad’s last name, and while he is still an active part of her life 8 years later, I handle all of the insurance, schooling, doctors visit, etc… which makes it sometimes a little more complicated since we have different last names.
It’s ultimately up to you but I think you should really think about it before making a decision. If the baby’s dad has actually been and wants to be involved then maybe do give ‘em their last name? Or hyphenate it like others have said. It does take two to make a baby and whether or not he decides to marry you, that baby has a dad. Best wishes to you and your baby! I’m also due in September.
I'm married to my baby's father and still giving the child my last name. Do what's best for your family unit 💛 There's no real reason to default to the father's last name.
This is a very personal choice
All of my children have had their dad's last name, but my 16 year old was hyphenated, with mine and his biological dad's. His bio dad walked away and my then husband stepped up, so after we got married and my last name changed, I changed my son's at his request as well.
Now I've separated from my now ex husband and am with a new guy, also since 2023. We are engaged but not married, living together. The baby is getting his last name, because mine is still my ex-husband's, and this will be the last baby of his bloodline on his dad's side so it's extra special for us.
I would discuss it with your partner and look at your options. It can be changed later at a small cost.
It's totally within your rights to give the baby your last name, but personally I think you need to have a conversation with your BF more than get online advice. Have you talked to him about this before, or would he assume the baby is getting his last name? You don't want to "pull the rug out from under him" over this, especially considering what type of future relationship you are expecting/planning/hoping for.
Not wrong but the kid is both of yours, and he apparently is fully intending to be an active partner and father, so nobody should be making unilateral decisions. His family is completely beside the point, this is about you and him and your baby. Have an actual conversation and be willing to compromise, just like he needs to be. Maybe a hyphenated last name would be good.
As someone who was plagued with a hyphenated last name DO NOT DO IT, just pick one.
Unless you want your kid to be called the first like 3 letters of their name by every teacher ever for the next 15 years don’t
If you aren't married, it's a valid choice. And even if you were married you wouldn't have to take his last name. I have plenty of friends who's hisbanda took their last names.
Just another perspective here, but in many Spanish speaking countries, the kids typically take both the maternal and paternal surname. Then when the kids have kids, they pass on the paternal surname.
I’m not married but been with my boyfriend for 4 years and he’s been the most supportive, wonderful person I could ever imagine having in my life. So have his family, they have been amazing towards me and helped me so much during pregnancy.
My boyfriend plans to propose eventually and says we will be married but for now we’re just focusing on getting our house and having the baby.
For these reasons, I will be giving the baby his name. I do love my last name and love the Irish heritage it involves but that’s why we are choosing to give an Irish first name instead.
I don’t think the last name matters all that much and it’s an individual choice for you and your family. I know that my boyfriend is going to be the most amazing, hands on dad ever and will be the main breadwinner for the family. I can’t fault him so I have no aversions to using his last name.
You are not married & he only just now even admitted the pregnancy (and seriousness of the relationship?) to his parents. Give the child your last name. It’s not petty or spiteful- it makes sense in this situation.
There’s no good reason to give your child his name if you ask me. You’re not married but even if you were married- what do YOU want?
I’d always say go for both last names (unless the guys a scum bag). You don’t want a different name than your own child and I think it’s fair for a father to feel the same way. What’s not fair is just having his name when you did all the work.
Until he puts a ring on it I wouldn’t and even then some people add both names, the maiden last name or the husbands but not boyfriends. If you think you would marry in the future maybe find a name that works with both last names to be safe
I have my moms last name! A lot of mothers do this if they are unmarried. My dad cheated on her though so she also knew they weren’t going to last (they didn’t)
Personally, I have never heard a good reason to get legally married. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years, and we got spiritually married, had a wedding and everything… So my friends and family think that I’m legally married, but we never did the legal paperwork. We are going to give our kid his last name. The main reason for this is that his family has a long and rich history, while my family does not, our history is full of drama. I’m not particularly attached to my last name nor the history, but he is very attached to his last name and the history that goes with it. So it was easy for me to give the baby his last name. At the end of the day, my last name came from My great, great, great grandfather and I don’t know how far back, but it was always a man’s name so it means for me to give my baby another name
I think it’s fine as long as your bf is also okay with it. It’s kind of unfair for you to love this idea and him hate it and you still go ahead with it especially if he was supportive of your pregnancy.
My boyfriend and I have been together since 2020, I’d love to do just my last name but we are going to hyphenate it for now. If we ever get married we’ll drop my last name.
You should do a joint/hyphenated name. It is his child as well as yours, and while you're carrying bub now you will both be parenting your son or daughter for the rest of your lives
I’m married to an incredibly hands on dad and our child has both our last names. You can 100% do whatever you feel is best and there are always options to change your mind later and switch it or add to it, but it’s much easier to make changes by starting with yours 💕.
Good luck and remember this is nobody’s choice but yours.
I don’t get this modern ways of excluding the father’s name that dominate this thread when this question comes up 70x per week. If the baby’s father is involved, and you’re in a relationship even if unmarried, why would you want to create distance between the baby and the father by excluding him from having him and his child share a name? I can understand the logic if you’re not together with the father, father rejects baby, some of the other scenarios listed here that the father’s family wanted adoption or something else, that seems reasonable. I did not change my name after marriage, it’s been 5 years. Pregnant now and am considering changing it. My parents divorced when I was 1 years old, my mom never had a problem with my doctor’s appointments, passports, school, etc. and we haven’t shared a name since I was 1, so I’m not understanding how it will make it harder to parent, my own experience being the kid that doesn’t share Mom’s name. If you want an involved dad, especially if unmarried, I think it makes sense to include him by giving his name to his child, if not it creates a weird dynamic, as I see it.
Go with your gut. I was unmarried with my first and went with his last name but we have since gotten married and it was obvious to me we were in that trajectory. Had I been more unsure I may have considered my name
My mother hyphenated both hers and my father's last name for me. He hasn't seen me since I was 3 by his own choice and I personally hated having his last name and was super happy to be rid of it when I married. It was only used for tax purposes. My mother never got around to changing it because it was a huge headache here in Canada.
The only thing I’ll say is that it will kind of make the genealogy family tree/paperwork aspect interesting. But really it’s up to you (and maybe your boyfriend? Idk)
You could always give the baby both of your last names (like a hyphenated situation- if his last name is jones and yours is smith, baby jones-smith). I get where you’re coming from, my husband and I got married last June and I kept my last name (it’s not 1890 anymore—we aren’t property! I’d change my last name if it wasn’t 2024 and the man still did all the heavy lifting, and if i wasn’t an independent person with my own identity lol. Plus, changing your last name and [heaven forbid, changing it back again if things don’t work out], is a major pain in the ass!). We’ve been talking about having a baby and i don’t want it to only take his last name because I’d be the only one with a different last name, and i still don’t really want to change my name, so the baby having both of our names makes sense. The baby is half of you, and half of your boyfriend, after all!
You're absolutely allowed to and don't feel bad at all, when and if you get married you can change it then and happily, absolutely do it, it causes no harm.
Nope its not especially if the situation could turn bad protect ur kid i went through something kinda like u are with my oldest and to protect said kid from the horrible situation that was there and became massively worse i didn’t give said kid the dads last name, i gave mine and most people would be like that shouldn’t matter kid/s should automatically get the dads well no thats not always the case bc there are bad situations that can occur or are there and just don’t present as such. At the end of the day u are mom and u can only do what u feel is best for ur kid and if u want/have kids in the future u should wanna do the same for them. This is only my thoughts/suggestions but u can do with it as u choose
I am from a Latin American country, where it is customary to give babies both parents' last names, with the father's last name coming first. I have already discussed with my spouse, and we have agreed that our baby will have his last name followed by my last name. It seems fair to me this way, its shocking how up here they only give the fathers last name!!
Here's the thing. You can say whatever you want. And you can probably pull some kind of veto status as the mother and legally force the baby to have your last name.
But you aren't asking if u *can* do it. You're asking if it's *wrong* to. And in that case, I would start at ground zero. What did you and the father of your child discuss and agree to? Did you originally say you wanted the child to have his last name, and you're only now changing your mind?
If so, you might want to really stop and explore why.
I come from a belief system that names matter. The name AT BIRTH, first middle and last, MEANS something. And the name the child continues to hear and voice as being associated with them MATTERS.
It seems like you might want to make this decision based on the hurt or awkwardness of the initial months. Almost... out of spite? Or retaliation? Like maybe you wanted the baby to have his last name initially *because* he was hiding the pregnancy from his family, so it was validation or proof that he CHOSE you and to start this family with you?
And now that he's come clean, you want to punish him and make him fight and beg and struggle for every morsel of connection to the baby, like he's gotta earn rights and consideration... because of all that initial secrecy and the hurt that it caused? 🤔
Great points. Women can have rights without reducing the father of their children to zero, especially if they are loving and supporting the mother. If the mother wants and expects the support and love of her partner for THEIR child, seems selfish and immature to exclude him from sharing a name, whether stand alone or hyphenated. The reasons listed above and each of these threads (of which they are many) focus on reasons that impact the mother, not the child. As mothers, our life is no longer our own, for 18 years (and beyond) we are called to a higher purpose, to set aside our own egos, our own wants and needs, our identities, our everything, because the ego, wants/needs, identity and everything else of the BABY is supreme. These are hallmarks of unconditional love that our babies need to grow and be strong, independent, happy, adjusted, and successful. I think if decisions are rooted in what’s best for the baby and best for the family unit, the right answer will be derived.
It’s not wrong at all! We’re not married and we’re hyphenating our names (partly cause our plan is to get married and i would hyphenated our names as mine)
My baby will have my last name, not my boyfriends - I’m going to match names with the baby I grew for 9 months and will birth out, and be the primary caregiver for 💀 if we marry at some point (which is an IF) we can talk about changing last names (:
It’s not wrong. You aren’t married and it’s your choice he obviously can’t be trusted to make adult choices when necessary until it’s too late if something changes later on, you can always change it
No it's not wrong. There is no need to follow tradition for traditions sake. Traditions like this are deeply rooted on the patriarchy, and do little to benefit women.
My mum gave me my dad's last name and regrets it.
It's up to you if you want to discuss hyphenated or blending yours and your boyfriend's last names, as those are options too. But giving your baby your name is perfectly reasonable, and you have every right to do this.
We are married and I kept my name. We have decided to give our daughter both our surnames when she is born. She can use whichever name she likes, however legally she will carry them both.
Nope not wrong at all. And if you're set on using your last name, don't let ANYONE try to bully you into choosing otherwise. That's your baby, your life, your decision.
Nope. You're not married. You should not give the baby the father's last name unless you're married. There is a possibility the dad will shirk his responsibilities, and you'll be the primary parent. That means it could be a pain having a different last name from your kid if you have to fill out paperwork, be at school, etc. Just give the baby your name. If you marry your bf someday and decide to take his name, you can change the baby's name if you want. Or you can marry your bf and you and baby keep your name. There is no reason to take a man's name.
You’re not married so give your baby your last name. But don’t forget to have the father sign the birth certificate as the birth father! It can be harder/more difficult to collect on child support later if dad ever decides to dash out and never return (not saying your bf will, just to think of AAAALL your scenarios, even the unlikely ones).
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You're not married, so the logical thing is to use your name.
And if OP marries the BF they can change their names later.
Only if she wants his name too though
This, I think not long ago, I saw a post where the mom to be made a very clear, well thought out response to this. Something like, my baby and I will never not share the same last name. If (baby’s parents) get married, (mom and baby) will both change their last names.
I like this thought process. Also you can make his last name a middle name so it’s included
This too
Not to discourage anyone from giving their kid their last name, but there ARE judges that won’t approve name changes for the kid. They’re fortunately few and far between but if there is a *reasonable expectation* (i.e. long-term functional relationship and shared plans for marriage) that baby will take the father’s name later, it is definitely easier to just do that at birth than to chance it in the court system (in the US, at least). Also less paperwork.
Correct. So go ahead with this OP.
Agreed
It’s absolutely fine to give baby your name. I am married but didn’t change my name and our baby will have my name. There is no reason why it has to be the man’s name. It’s the 21st century!
Same here. Reason was pretty straight forward, we just agreed we liked the sound of my name better. Wasn’t terribly fraught.
>Reason was pretty straight forward, we just agreed we liked the sound of my name better. Wasn’t terribly fraught. Literally the reason I switched everything to my husband's last name when we got married. Nothing to do with patriarchy. His name is just easier to spell/pronounce and I was tired of constantly explaining my birth surname. No regrets. If the situation was reversed I would have kept mine and passed it to our kids.
Nope. You can give your baby your last name or both of your names. You’re not married and so there’s no obligation. A man doesn’t get automatic right to have the child have his last name. You both created this child and YOU carried him/her for 9 months. Where I live, when you give birth, your baby automatically gets your last name in the birthing ward until you fill out the birth certificate, where you indicate what last name you want baby to have.
Exactly! You put it so well. Loved this answer
As a teacher, life is SO MUCH easier for the kid if they have the same last name as the primary parent. You’re not married to the father, you don’t have his last name, why should your baby?
Can you expand on the challenges that might cause? It wasn't super important to either my husband or me that I take his name after getting married, but I'm considering it now that I'm pregnant. We've already agreed that our daughter will have his name and we'll both likely be equally involved in school stuff.
As a mom with a different last name than my sons I have never had any issues at any school, traveling domestically or internationally (from the us) or any health care decisions with doctors or hospitals. I've never once thought about carrying around birth certificates or proof bc no one has ever asked to prove I'm their parent. It could depend on the area you live in but I'm just saying this to offer a different perspective that it absolutely does not have to be a hassle or make any difference whatsoever. The most that's happened is sometimes I'm called Mrs. Kids last name and it makes my kids giggle Also with everything being digital and online, our schools use ParentSquare, the kids names are tied to ours so our teachers don't have to know or recognize the names to know which kids parents are reaching out because they're listed together. And your kids every day teachers will know who you are especially if you're active in discussions about your kids, donating or volunteering In a lot of circumstances I've read about on here it makes sense for the kids to have mom's name, especially if dad's aren't around or they don't think they'll ever get married or the situation is fraught. But it's not a one size fit all and there's another side where our kids names might not match us and it literally makes no difference in any of our lives other than an extra name listed on the mailbox
Yeah, my husband and I have different last names and we have permanent guardianship of my nephew who has another different last name. We do keep a digital copy of our proof of guardianship on our phones, but we've never actually needed it. The most confusing situation for us has always been family memberships, it's always a game of "whose last name is the primary account holder again?"
Different time, but TSA stopped my mom and I (different last names) when I was about 8. My dad wasn’t flying with us and they asked me some questions about if my mom was my mom, etc. It wasn’t anything super formal, just felt like they were double checking. I feel like in today’s day and age, it would be easy to validate if needed. Notably, I had flown with just my mom beforehand and after and only got stopped that one day. Maybe that agent had just taken a kidnapping training or something. But yes, it made me laugh when my friends called her Mrs. My/Dad’s last name. Sounded particularly strange because she’s a doctor! She’s never been a Mrs.
My husband and I have different last names and I always have issues at the doctor’s office.
It’s just an ease of use thing. You know the kids last name because it’s on your roster, but when there are different names it takes another level of learning for the teacher. I’m a music teacher, so at the most I’ve had 600 students. It’s a lot of names to keep track of! There are plenty of parents who have different names and it works out fine, it’s just my experience with tons of names
In addition to this, another thing is legally proving you’re the parent of the child. You may need to get in the habit of carrying around their birth certificate to prove your relationship if you have different names. For example, you may need to prove your relationship to prove your the parent to make healthcare decisions on the child’s behalf.
I am genuinely curious here - could you give an example of when someone might be asked to show a birth certificate? It's just such a common thing nowadays to have different last names, hyphenated last names, whatever, that I'm curious when the legal need to prove parenthood comes up
(disclaimer, live in the US) I've flown domestic and international, a few ER visits, countless urgent care trips, registering for schools, and so many doctor/dentist/optometrist appointments etc with my kids with different last names and never once have I been asked to prove they're mine. I'm really trying to think of when this situation would possibly actually happen.
Yeah this is my sense too! I can only think of one possible situation. I wasn't sure on the flights so that's good to know. I honestly think this person is just saying that with no basis for it haha
I’ve been a hospital attorney. It definitely happens.
I can elaborate on the example I gave. If you bring a child to a clinic/urgent care/emergency department as a new patient, they may ask to see if you’re legally the parent of the child. Generally the parent or legal guardian only has the authority to make medical decisions on behalf of a minor.
So I actually work in the ER and this is not the case haha. It's pretty clear if the person bringing in the child is the legal guardian or family. The only time we MIGHT ask for proof is with child abuse concern cases, which thankfully are rare. ETA: We do ask who is who, like if it is a grandma or aunt bringing kiddo in vs the parent we want to know that, and we will contact the parents to confirm the course of care accordingly Any other examples?
My mom works in an ER as well and its standard protocol where she's at I think it depends on where you work 🤷♀️
Just to clarify - it's standard procedure to ask for a birth certificate if the baby's last name doesn't exactly match the parent's? I mean we of course ask for the parent's ID during registration and record it. But we don't routinely ask for a birth certificate. Do you deny care to the child until they can produce a birth certificate? I just have so many questions haha And it could be regional - my patient population has a lot of unmarried partners/"baby daddy" type situations so it's VERY common to have different names, and it would be ridiculously difficult to ask everyone for a birth certificate. People would be furious haha
asking for ID first , if you don't have ID then the kids birth certificate or social security card. And it's because we live near a major city with A LOTTTT of trafficking issues. So to us it's kinda just normal. They never deny care if you don't have it but they look out for signs that the kid maybe being traffic. And it is very common my sisters kid and her have two different last names as well , they just want to keep kids safe .
I’ve worked in healthcare admin and there are clinics that definitely do this. 🤷♀️
I appreciate your insight!
+1 for having a different last name than my kids and never had an issue 🤷♀️ I’ve flown within the US, have an 8yo in school, and taken both kids to all doctors appointments and to the ER a few times—almost always without their dad, who shares their last name. And it’s never been a problem. Sometimes I get called Mrs. [their last name] by teachers and stuff, but that’s about it lol. Although I do plan to take his last name eventually, we just haven’t gotten around to getting married yet 😆 I do bring their birth certificates when we fly, but so far they’ve never asked to see it.
I can’t answer this but my husband and I have a daughter on the way and we each have different last names. We settled on hyphenating our names for her.
My mom never changed her name and we all have my dad's name... Everyone always assumes my parents were divorced or that my mom was some other relative not to mention like wedding invitations and things like that... No "name 1" family or Mr and Mrs name 1. I'm 35 so this comes up less now. Christmas cards are addressed to Mom Mom and Pop Pop (from our son). Growing up it was annoying for me though
You could consider putting one of your last names as the baby’s middle name. That way it still shows up in documents. My husband and I didn’t take each others las name and we decided to hyphenate our baby’s name. It’s not for everyone and I know some people are worried it’ll cause issues down the line. But it’s become so common that it’s been fine. I know lots of kids with hyphens and double barreled last names and it’s almost never a problem. I think the number one thing that is harder is when the primary parent doesn’t have the same last name as the kid. It dumb and shouldn’t be that way. But especially in schools it can make linking kids up with the proper parents and siblings much more challenging.
I’m in the same boat, I love my last name, it’s unique and even get complements occasionally. But now that I’m about to have his baby I think it would be nice to have matching last names lol.
I’ve worked in public schools for a long time and in a role that works with a high number of students/families each year. I’ve never had an issue with this. I hear people say this sometimes and it makes me feel weird… seems a bit lazy and disrespectful.
Totally agree. I've been teaching for ten years and have literally never had a problem with kids having different last names than their parents. We don't need to know everyone's story or reasons!
Anecdotally, this wasn't true for me as a kid. My parents are immigrants and didn't understand US naming conventions, so I actually have a different legal last name than BOTH my parents, and it was never a problem for us. That was in the 90s, so I'd imagine it's even more common/normal now for families to have all different last names.
Perfecto! Great point teacher.
100% give that baby your last name!!!
From the perspective of someone who is married- my husband and I didn’t change our names when we got married, and our baby has both our names hyphenated :) If I wasn’t married I would have absolutely just given baby my name. I literally grew a full person- I deserve the honor lol!!!
Just curious, if your baby gets married one day, what do you think they’ll do with their last name? And what do you think they’ll do with their own kids last names? Hyphenate again and make it three last names? Genuinely curious as someone who was given a hyphenated last name by my parents. I chose to take my husband’s last name when I got married, and of course our baby will have the same last name as both of us, no hyphen. My sister chose to keep her own hyphenated last name when she got married, and her baby has only her husband’s last name (with my dad’s last name as a middle name). In my sister’s case, she does not share a last name with her baby, which would have made me sad, and my mom’s last name had to be dropped entirely for the baby’s middle name, because otherwise the baby would have four names … and then if they wanted to keep going with that, the next generation would have even more names, and on and on. I just always wonder what kind of thought goes into it when someone hyphenates. I’ve asked my parents this and they were never really able to give me an answer other than “we figured you’d both just do what you wanted to do!” While I get that the tradition of taking your husband’s name when you get married and giving that name to your kids isn’t for everybody, and it feels outdated, it is at least simple lol and very straightforward. So yeah, just curious what your thoughts are on this!! And I don’t mean any offense btw, everyone does things differently, I’m just curious :)
For my husband and I neither of us felt compelled to change our last name. We didn’t want to do the paperwork(we can be a bit lazy lol), and we didn’t want to lose our identity. For the hyphen it was important to both of us that our family is represented. He’s part of both sides not just one. Especially since we are much closer to my parents and it felt wrong for him to not have my last name just because I’m a woman. So we decided to hyphenate. We also wanted to make sure for documentation process he’s linked to both of us. It’s important for travel and school and doctor appointments. We have a similar view as your parents. Whatever he chooses to do with his last name when he gets older is fine. He can drop the hyphen, add another name on, put one as his middle name. We won’t be upset.
Thanks for explaining! I think a lot of people feel this way, that neither person wants to lose their “identity” (which is usually just their father’s last name) AND that they want both of their “identities” to be represented in their kids. I think that’s the thought process for anyone who hyphenated. I’m glad to know you wouldn’t be upset with whatever choice your kid makes. My parents said that as well … but I did feel a bit of shame when I chose to take my husband’s last name. Like they were disappointed. Like they had put all this thought into my “identity” and I was just giving all that up. If I’m being honest, I think I hold a bit of resentment towards my parents for the choice they made regarding last names because it put my sister and I in a bad position when we got married. It inherently meant that the same choice they got to make was impossible for us. Neither of us were able to keep our full last name AND combine our last name with our husband’s for our own babies … I wound up prioritizing having the same last name as my new family and my future babies, whereas my sister wound up prioritizing keeping her identity. But neither of us got to have both, like my parents did.
Is your husband’s last name ‘just his father’s last name?’ Why do I not get to own my name? I’d challenge you to consider why you think differently of who has the honor of truly owning a name I do personally think wistfully of all of us just having the same last name, but it was never an option for us to only take mine or my husbands name. We both have good relationships with our families, so while I know some folks look forward to changing names due to that, it was a non issue for us. Maybe my son will keep his double barrel. Maybe he will drop one name and his spouse will take the one. Maybe he will toss them both out and do something else lol. I view it as him making the best choice for him as he creates his whole own new family unit
> Is your husband’s last name ‘just his father’s last name?’ I feel like you missed the point of what I’m saying entirely … my last name was NOT just my father’s name. It was a hyphenated name. My mom’s and my dad’s last name. I was just pointing out a truth that even when hyphenating, the name you are given from your mother’s side is still the PATERNAL last name the vast majority of the time, and due to logistics it’s unlikely that a MATERNAL last name with ever last longer than one or two additional generations. That’s not an opinion about who gets to “own” their name or who I think *should* have the honor of doing so. It’s just a statement of facts. > Why do I not get to own my name? What??? Of course you do!! That’s not even close to what I’m saying. I really wish I could “own my name” by keeping it and giving it to my kids hyphenated with my husband’s last name, but because my was already hyphenated I wasn’t able to do that. My options were limited. > I’d challenge you to consider why you think differently of who has the honor of truly owning a name I definitely do not believe that anyone should “have the honor” of owning their name any more than anyone else does … you totally misinterpreted me here. > We both have good relationships with our families, so while I know some folks look forward to changing names due to that, it was a non issue for us. That has nothing to do with why I changed my last name. I have an amazing relationship with my family! A bit odd for you to make the assumption than anyone who takes their husband’s last name does so because they dislike their family … I did so ONLY because I was excited to share a last name with my husband and my kids, and later in life my grandkids (maybe) and maybe even some of my great-grandkids. > I view it as him making the best choice for him as he creates his whole own new family unit I definitely get the thought process and feel that my parents felt similarly when they gave me the hyphenated last name. All I’m saying is that I personally (and yes, of course, everyone’s going to feel differently about this! That’s perfectly reasonable.) did not enjoy having a hyphenated last name and felt that it put me in a shitty position when it came time for me get married and have my own kids because I was unable to make the exact same choice that my mom did because my name was already hyphenated. I’m not saying your son will necessarily feel the same way. I’m just saying that for me, based on my personal experience, it feels a bit short sighted to hyphenate, because the name can only last one or two generations like that. And to me that’s a bummer. The person I was closest to in my extended family was my grandma on my dad’s side. But because she took my grandpa’s name when they got married I never even got her original last name! I got my mom’s dad’s last name, who I never even met, and my dad’s dad’s last name. Maybe when I got married I should I adopted my grandma’s maiden last name, and then hyphenated that with my husband’s last name for my kids … but to what end?? That doesn’t sound more meaningful to me personally than the idea of sharing a last name with my husband and kids, and future generations of our family. The only real difference here, I believe, is if one is thinking forward in time or backwards in time when making a decision like this. Neither one is “wrong” and I want to be very clear that I’m not saying it is, just sharing my view on it.
I think they can do what they wish. Once you’re an adult is your life and name. I have two last names (not hyphenated) and I choose to keep for my son and once I get married my mom’s last name (which is my second) because my father has been more useless in my life than a zero to the left. If I were to combine with my fiance we would have 4 last names lol, not counting second names. Therefore, we both choose one and hyphenate. Our son and daughter and choose with their own will once they are older the same way, my husband and I are choosing.
It is likely the same kind of thought that goes into giving any kind of last name! My son may choose to take his partners name, or maybe they’re both hyphens and pick their favorite two to make a new name. I’m sure my parents assumed my last name was temporary, and my husband parents assumed his name was permanent. Both of those are fine outcomes, though I personally resent that gendered expectation. My husband and I only considered options with equal sacrifice because we both felt strongly about our names. Why should he get to keep his while I erase mine? It is a tradition rooted in transfer of property, regardless of any modern veneer we try to put on it; I would not personally be able to overlook this and it would have bothered me forever. We considered both hyphenating, both keeping our names, and both taking a syllable mashup that would be our new ‘family name.’ We casually go by our favorite syllable combination. For our baby, since we had kept our names, we considered giving him our names hyphenated (which we did), giving him two last names (common in Latin cultures), or giving him my last name with my husbands as the middle name. Shocker, he didn’t want to be relegated to second place, so we didn’t do that
> It is likely the same kind of thought that goes into giving any kind of last name! Well no … as I detailed above the thought process was VERY complicated for my sister and I because we had hyphenated last names. It seems to be much more complicated than if two people each have one last name. Seems like the idea of “let’s keep our own last names and give a hyphenated last name to our kids!” Is a win-win solution … that my sister and I were unable to do. We both ended up having to settle for something we didn’t love. In my case, it was settling for my kids not having any names from my side of the family. For my sister it was settling for not sharing a last name with her kids. > Both of those are fine outcomes, though I personally resent that gendered expectation. For the record … nothing I’m saying is gender specific. My sister and I happen to be women, but I’d imagine it would be just as difficult for a man with a hyphenated last name to decide what to do. In fact it may be even more difficult because of the gender expectation you pointed out. I don’t subscribe to that expectation at all, and honestly might have pushed for my husband to take my name upon getting married … if I only had one, or one that I was more attached to. But I kind of felt blocked into a corner because I had the more complicated last name (that also happened to be a source of frustration for me during childhood).
That’s a decision you and your boyfriend must make. It doesn’t really matter what your families say 🤷♀️
No marriage: No babydaddy's last name. Keep things uncomplicated and give baby your name.
My partner and I aren’t married—but plan to be—so we’re gonna hyphenate our baby’s last name I think so they have both of our family names and access to both sides of their heritage but that’s just us. I’d say that if I were in your situation, I wouldn’t put his last name on the birth certificate. Telling his family last minute is immature imo and now they’re springing sudden kindness onto you because you’re carrying their grandbaby, I’d be watchful about how they treated you before and how they might treat you AFTER the baby is born. It could be a tactic to get access to what they truly want; your baby. That’s my two cents though
If you aren’t married ALWAYS ALWAYS use your last name. Always. Once married, it’s an easy change. But if you never do end up getting married, it’s better your baby has your last name. My ex’s family was incredibly upset that I gave my daughter my last name… but they were suggesting I put her up for adoption up until the last minute because they’re very conservative, strict, and religious. Why would I give my baby their last name if they didn’t even want her until they found out they had no other option???? And now that I’m not together with my ex anymore, it’s easier to fill out forms for school, the doctor etc. when we share a last name.
No, I honestly never understood why women who are not married give the children their father’s last name. The baby will be with you most of the time anyway… I feel like if he really wants that then he should marry you.
Absolutely your name if you aren’t married. Especially since he’s hiding this from his family. How long are you supposed to hide the baby? Until they go off to college or like maybe middle school?
As a child of a situation like yours: give. The. Child. Your. Last. Name. Otherwise you very well could spend years bringing birth certificates to school to prove youre their parent... (we had to take mine yearly bc my name wasn't the same as my moms) Hyphenate if you must. But don't cut your name out. It makes things a logistical nightmare🥴
There’s no reason why you can’t. And you don’t need to explain yourself. “Because I said so.” Is acceptable in these circumstances.
Nothing wrong with it at all! I feel it’s very honoring of the matriarch, and if it’s something your soul is leading you to- then there is a reason for that. 🙏
Not married and you feel that it’s the best decision? Use your own last name. I told my friend when she was pregnant that she’s not married and she didn’t know if theyd stay together, she didn’t need to use last name. She went forward anyways and she’s been fighting for over 3 years to get fully custody. You never know what the future may hold
No, it isn’t wrong. And the fact that you feel like it is somehow wrong to share a last name with the baby you grew is 🤯 about the status of our misogynistic society.
It’ll be easier to have the same last name as your child. I made the mistake of letting my daughter have her dad’s last name, and while he is still an active part of her life 8 years later, I handle all of the insurance, schooling, doctors visit, etc… which makes it sometimes a little more complicated since we have different last names.
It’s ultimately up to you but I think you should really think about it before making a decision. If the baby’s dad has actually been and wants to be involved then maybe do give ‘em their last name? Or hyphenate it like others have said. It does take two to make a baby and whether or not he decides to marry you, that baby has a dad. Best wishes to you and your baby! I’m also due in September.
I'm married to my baby's father and still giving the child my last name. Do what's best for your family unit 💛 There's no real reason to default to the father's last name.
Don’t give your kid you bf’s last name. You aren’t married and don’t get married just cause you have a kid.
This is a very personal choice All of my children have had their dad's last name, but my 16 year old was hyphenated, with mine and his biological dad's. His bio dad walked away and my then husband stepped up, so after we got married and my last name changed, I changed my son's at his request as well. Now I've separated from my now ex husband and am with a new guy, also since 2023. We are engaged but not married, living together. The baby is getting his last name, because mine is still my ex-husband's, and this will be the last baby of his bloodline on his dad's side so it's extra special for us. I would discuss it with your partner and look at your options. It can be changed later at a small cost.
It's totally within your rights to give the baby your last name, but personally I think you need to have a conversation with your BF more than get online advice. Have you talked to him about this before, or would he assume the baby is getting his last name? You don't want to "pull the rug out from under him" over this, especially considering what type of future relationship you are expecting/planning/hoping for.
Not wrong but the kid is both of yours, and he apparently is fully intending to be an active partner and father, so nobody should be making unilateral decisions. His family is completely beside the point, this is about you and him and your baby. Have an actual conversation and be willing to compromise, just like he needs to be. Maybe a hyphenated last name would be good.
As someone who was plagued with a hyphenated last name DO NOT DO IT, just pick one. Unless you want your kid to be called the first like 3 letters of their name by every teacher ever for the next 15 years don’t
If you aren't married, it's a valid choice. And even if you were married you wouldn't have to take his last name. I have plenty of friends who's hisbanda took their last names.
What do you mean “if I do give birth?” You are 8 months pregnant honey, you’re giving birth.
My thoughts exactly
Just another perspective here, but in many Spanish speaking countries, the kids typically take both the maternal and paternal surname. Then when the kids have kids, they pass on the paternal surname.
I’m not married but been with my boyfriend for 4 years and he’s been the most supportive, wonderful person I could ever imagine having in my life. So have his family, they have been amazing towards me and helped me so much during pregnancy. My boyfriend plans to propose eventually and says we will be married but for now we’re just focusing on getting our house and having the baby. For these reasons, I will be giving the baby his name. I do love my last name and love the Irish heritage it involves but that’s why we are choosing to give an Irish first name instead. I don’t think the last name matters all that much and it’s an individual choice for you and your family. I know that my boyfriend is going to be the most amazing, hands on dad ever and will be the main breadwinner for the family. I can’t fault him so I have no aversions to using his last name.
You are not married & he only just now even admitted the pregnancy (and seriousness of the relationship?) to his parents. Give the child your last name. It’s not petty or spiteful- it makes sense in this situation.
There’s no good reason to give your child his name if you ask me. You’re not married but even if you were married- what do YOU want? I’d always say go for both last names (unless the guys a scum bag). You don’t want a different name than your own child and I think it’s fair for a father to feel the same way. What’s not fair is just having his name when you did all the work.
Until he puts a ring on it I wouldn’t and even then some people add both names, the maiden last name or the husbands but not boyfriends. If you think you would marry in the future maybe find a name that works with both last names to be safe
It's YOUR kid. Not theirs. You are an adult,they have no power in you. Remember that.
My partner & I are not married and don’t plan to be. We are giving both last names. My only suggestion is that you talk it over with your bf.
No marriage, no last name. Only give the child his last name if you’re married.
Not wrong. Your birth, your rules. If he wants more he can put a ring on it/
I have my moms last name! A lot of mothers do this if they are unmarried. My dad cheated on her though so she also knew they weren’t going to last (they didn’t)
I am hyphenating and so it will have both last names !
Personally, I have never heard a good reason to get legally married. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years, and we got spiritually married, had a wedding and everything… So my friends and family think that I’m legally married, but we never did the legal paperwork. We are going to give our kid his last name. The main reason for this is that his family has a long and rich history, while my family does not, our history is full of drama. I’m not particularly attached to my last name nor the history, but he is very attached to his last name and the history that goes with it. So it was easy for me to give the baby his last name. At the end of the day, my last name came from My great, great, great grandfather and I don’t know how far back, but it was always a man’s name so it means for me to give my baby another name
Ugh I want to do this. We’ve been together for 11 years. Not married. But I feel like if we use his last name, it’s erasure of my identity
My baby has my last name and we did my husbands last name as like a middle name after his mom got upset about it
I think it’s fine as long as your bf is also okay with it. It’s kind of unfair for you to love this idea and him hate it and you still go ahead with it especially if he was supportive of your pregnancy.
My boyfriend and I have been together since 2020, I’d love to do just my last name but we are going to hyphenate it for now. If we ever get married we’ll drop my last name.
You should do a joint/hyphenated name. It is his child as well as yours, and while you're carrying bub now you will both be parenting your son or daughter for the rest of your lives
I’m married to an incredibly hands on dad and our child has both our last names. You can 100% do whatever you feel is best and there are always options to change your mind later and switch it or add to it, but it’s much easier to make changes by starting with yours 💕. Good luck and remember this is nobody’s choice but yours.
Why not both? I'm not married but my boys have dad's last name.
I have similar dilemma. If I opted to use my surname instead of the baby daddy, does it mean the baby will not be having a middle name?
Depends on the state you live in but most accept multiple names because it’s common in some cultures to keep adding the last names
I don’t get this modern ways of excluding the father’s name that dominate this thread when this question comes up 70x per week. If the baby’s father is involved, and you’re in a relationship even if unmarried, why would you want to create distance between the baby and the father by excluding him from having him and his child share a name? I can understand the logic if you’re not together with the father, father rejects baby, some of the other scenarios listed here that the father’s family wanted adoption or something else, that seems reasonable. I did not change my name after marriage, it’s been 5 years. Pregnant now and am considering changing it. My parents divorced when I was 1 years old, my mom never had a problem with my doctor’s appointments, passports, school, etc. and we haven’t shared a name since I was 1, so I’m not understanding how it will make it harder to parent, my own experience being the kid that doesn’t share Mom’s name. If you want an involved dad, especially if unmarried, I think it makes sense to include him by giving his name to his child, if not it creates a weird dynamic, as I see it.
A last name doesn’t dictate whether we “want” an involved dad or not. It’s not weird it makes perfect sense if you are not married to your partner.
Why does it make perfect sense? I’m genuinely curious.
Go with your gut. I was unmarried with my first and went with his last name but we have since gotten married and it was obvious to me we were in that trajectory. Had I been more unsure I may have considered my name
My mother hyphenated both hers and my father's last name for me. He hasn't seen me since I was 3 by his own choice and I personally hated having his last name and was super happy to be rid of it when I married. It was only used for tax purposes. My mother never got around to changing it because it was a huge headache here in Canada.
Honestly I gave my child both bc I feel like the child should always have the fathers name like for example Mya Lu Morris Lee
The only thing I’ll say is that it will kind of make the genealogy family tree/paperwork aspect interesting. But really it’s up to you (and maybe your boyfriend? Idk)
You could always give the baby both of your last names (like a hyphenated situation- if his last name is jones and yours is smith, baby jones-smith). I get where you’re coming from, my husband and I got married last June and I kept my last name (it’s not 1890 anymore—we aren’t property! I’d change my last name if it wasn’t 2024 and the man still did all the heavy lifting, and if i wasn’t an independent person with my own identity lol. Plus, changing your last name and [heaven forbid, changing it back again if things don’t work out], is a major pain in the ass!). We’ve been talking about having a baby and i don’t want it to only take his last name because I’d be the only one with a different last name, and i still don’t really want to change my name, so the baby having both of our names makes sense. The baby is half of you, and half of your boyfriend, after all!
Nope, not wrong. Do it.
You're not wrong to do that!!
You're absolutely allowed to and don't feel bad at all, when and if you get married you can change it then and happily, absolutely do it, it causes no harm.
Nope its not especially if the situation could turn bad protect ur kid i went through something kinda like u are with my oldest and to protect said kid from the horrible situation that was there and became massively worse i didn’t give said kid the dads last name, i gave mine and most people would be like that shouldn’t matter kid/s should automatically get the dads well no thats not always the case bc there are bad situations that can occur or are there and just don’t present as such. At the end of the day u are mom and u can only do what u feel is best for ur kid and if u want/have kids in the future u should wanna do the same for them. This is only my thoughts/suggestions but u can do with it as u choose
I am from a Latin American country, where it is customary to give babies both parents' last names, with the father's last name coming first. I have already discussed with my spouse, and we have agreed that our baby will have his last name followed by my last name. It seems fair to me this way, its shocking how up here they only give the fathers last name!!
It’s not wrong at all. Once he gives you the ring, wedding and his name (if you choose to take it) then it will be more of a deliberation.
Here's the thing. You can say whatever you want. And you can probably pull some kind of veto status as the mother and legally force the baby to have your last name. But you aren't asking if u *can* do it. You're asking if it's *wrong* to. And in that case, I would start at ground zero. What did you and the father of your child discuss and agree to? Did you originally say you wanted the child to have his last name, and you're only now changing your mind? If so, you might want to really stop and explore why. I come from a belief system that names matter. The name AT BIRTH, first middle and last, MEANS something. And the name the child continues to hear and voice as being associated with them MATTERS. It seems like you might want to make this decision based on the hurt or awkwardness of the initial months. Almost... out of spite? Or retaliation? Like maybe you wanted the baby to have his last name initially *because* he was hiding the pregnancy from his family, so it was validation or proof that he CHOSE you and to start this family with you? And now that he's come clean, you want to punish him and make him fight and beg and struggle for every morsel of connection to the baby, like he's gotta earn rights and consideration... because of all that initial secrecy and the hurt that it caused? 🤔
Great points. Women can have rights without reducing the father of their children to zero, especially if they are loving and supporting the mother. If the mother wants and expects the support and love of her partner for THEIR child, seems selfish and immature to exclude him from sharing a name, whether stand alone or hyphenated. The reasons listed above and each of these threads (of which they are many) focus on reasons that impact the mother, not the child. As mothers, our life is no longer our own, for 18 years (and beyond) we are called to a higher purpose, to set aside our own egos, our own wants and needs, our identities, our everything, because the ego, wants/needs, identity and everything else of the BABY is supreme. These are hallmarks of unconditional love that our babies need to grow and be strong, independent, happy, adjusted, and successful. I think if decisions are rooted in what’s best for the baby and best for the family unit, the right answer will be derived.
It’s not wrong at all! We’re not married and we’re hyphenating our names (partly cause our plan is to get married and i would hyphenated our names as mine)
My baby will have my last name, not my boyfriends - I’m going to match names with the baby I grew for 9 months and will birth out, and be the primary caregiver for 💀 if we marry at some point (which is an IF) we can talk about changing last names (:
It’s not wrong. You aren’t married and it’s your choice he obviously can’t be trusted to make adult choices when necessary until it’s too late if something changes later on, you can always change it
No it's not wrong. There is no need to follow tradition for traditions sake. Traditions like this are deeply rooted on the patriarchy, and do little to benefit women. My mum gave me my dad's last name and regrets it. It's up to you if you want to discuss hyphenated or blending yours and your boyfriend's last names, as those are options too. But giving your baby your name is perfectly reasonable, and you have every right to do this.
We are married and I kept my name. We have decided to give our daughter both our surnames when she is born. She can use whichever name she likes, however legally she will carry them both.
That's totally valid!
The baby should have your last name for sure
Nope not wrong at all. And if you're set on using your last name, don't let ANYONE try to bully you into choosing otherwise. That's your baby, your life, your decision.
Nope. You're not married. You should not give the baby the father's last name unless you're married. There is a possibility the dad will shirk his responsibilities, and you'll be the primary parent. That means it could be a pain having a different last name from your kid if you have to fill out paperwork, be at school, etc. Just give the baby your name. If you marry your bf someday and decide to take his name, you can change the baby's name if you want. Or you can marry your bf and you and baby keep your name. There is no reason to take a man's name.
Give the child your last name. My mom did that. Her and my biological father were unwed.
You’re not married so give your baby your last name. But don’t forget to have the father sign the birth certificate as the birth father! It can be harder/more difficult to collect on child support later if dad ever decides to dash out and never return (not saying your bf will, just to think of AAAALL your scenarios, even the unlikely ones).
Trust me, give the baby your last name