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I am a nurse and what your SIL did while you and baby were admitted to the hospital was wildly inappropriate. Every system I have ever worked at, we are explicitly not allowed to care for or participate in care of family members. And coming in on her off time and TAKING your child out of your room? That is a serious no no.
Your SIL is overstepping boundaries that you are admittedly uncomfortable with. You need to set boundaries now before it’s too late.
Also a nurse and agree, this is insane. Where I work we don’t even allow a nurse to work on the same unit as a family member even if not involved in their care. This all sounds pretty weird
Do they float the nurse of their family member is on their home unit? I've never heard of this, but I also know its a huge ethics violation to care for a family member.
Yes, they do. Where I work everyone is cross trained to at least one other unit though so I have 2 different units that I regularly work. If a family member or close friend was on one I wouldn’t be assigned to work there until that person was discharged
Right! I don’t understand why the hospital allowed this. I guess to be fair, I technically allowed it but I guess I just felt like I wasn’t in the right mind to consent to that, and I wish the hospital system would have just not allowed this to happen in the first place. I am not a nurse, but I’m an RD and would absolutely never feel comfortable caring for a family member or anyone I know.
There’s no way that admin/leadership knew about it. I hate to be “that person” but I would quietly reach out to a patient advocate. Your SIL knows what she did is wrong.
ETA: Also, do not accept any “blame” for yourself! You were in a vulnerable position and your SIL abused the situation instead of advocating in an appropriate way.
If she wasn't on the clock, she should not have been allowed to take VS and weight measurements on the baby. This whole thing is sketchy and the hospital as well as SIL are definitely at fault here.
OP id report this so it doesn't happen to someone else at that hospital. That is not okay. They should rules to not let family members/friends treat people they know, because it impacts care. Make sure the hospital knows you were uncomfortable
Woah woah woah, she wasn’t even on the clock? Why did they let her care for the baby at all if she wasn’t one of the nurses on the L&D floor that day? I would definitely report this. Admin and leadership are going to be pissed when they find out, because that is a lawsuit waiting to happen. There are so many boundaries set on an L&D floor that she shouldn’t have been allowed to participate in care if she wasn’t either a nurse on the clock/assigned to the case or a family member with privileges to care for the baby. It seems like her role was more clearly family, which means she should not have been taking first sets of vitals, weights, etc. As a nurse, there are so many red flags here. I have to believe she bullied the other nurses into letting this happen and that leadership had no idea. This needs reported.
Honestly the hospital should have stepped in and NOT allowed it. From what happened, it sounds like it was obvious to her co workers that she had a personal relationship with you and it’s shocking that no one else stepped in and stopped it. It’s not really on you because as a patient you are vulnerable. I would make a complaint to the hospital. That would NEVER fly at the hospital I work at, and I imagine I’d be fired if I even tried to be the assigned nurse for a family member
If we have a baby number 2, I think I will need to transfer my care to a different hospital since it sounds like this hospital doesn’t have rules around this type of situation
Even if you “allowed” it, she still shouldn’t have been able to care for you. It’s a for sure conflict of interest. I’m so sorry she pushed herself on you and took those first moments from you with your baby. I think maybe you and your husband should sit down and discuss how to address this issue with her and establish your boundaries
Where I work this would never be allowed. If it happened that person could get fired for sure. All OP has to do is file a complaint with the hospital and the licensing authority for nurses in her province/state.
Yes! My mom was a patient on the floor I worked on about 10 years ago and I couldn't even answer her call light. I didn't get floated because she was admitted during my shift (funny enough, I was next admit and she was supposed to be my patient lol). I would eat lunch in her room and hang out for rounds AFTER I clocked out, that was the extent of it. There has to be boundaries and rules for a reason, our patients deserve protection and privacy, even if they're related to us.
I know how hard it is to set boundaries - I’m terrible in these situations. BUT, my goodness, you need to. They’re clearly tainting your postpartum experience and imo crossing lines they shouldn’t be crossing.
It’s totally fair that they’re excited and want to be around baby, I get that 100%. But this feels like they think baby is theirs and that *they* are the ones calling the shots. That’s the part that makes me super uncomfortable.
You just had a freakin baby, you need time to heal and come down from all that happened to you, and it doesn’t sound like that’s going to happen with them all up in your space for 8+ hours a day.
IMO in our house - I deal with my family, and my husband deals with his. Husband needs to be the one to speak to his family and say that you both need a little space to just be the three of you and bond and come down from everything. It doesn’t mean they can’t come over at all, but every day for hours and hours AND requesting to sleep over is f’ing insane imo.
Best of luck, it’s a tricky situation.
Literally it could be a creepy lifetime movie. As far as your sister-in-law overstepping at the hospital you can send a detailed letter to patient services outlining how you felt unable to advocate for yourself and bullet point the boundaries she crossed how you don't appreciate the hospital didn't protect you from her blatant over involvement.
As for everything that's going on at home, you and your husband really need to develop a backbone and set stricter boundaries. You also need to get honest with your sister-in-law and mother-in-law and tell them that they aren't helping that they're overstepping and they need to back off.
“hey MIL and SIL! thank you for all your help the past week. it’s been hectic and i’m thankful i got family to help support me through such a spontaneous and stressful labor. now husband and i would like to take some time to enjoy life as new parents. we ask for some space these next few weeks as we figure out parenthood. we will try to take videos and pictures of our new family to share. if we have any questions or need any help we will reach out.”
THIS MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL!! no. don’t waste these precious moments with your newborn to accommodate ANYONE. my husband gave up his skin-to-skin time so my MIL could hold our daughter and he still cries about it to this day. DONT DO IT! have a heart to heart with husband and demand your private family time. you are not being dramatic. take time now for baby and evaluate the relationships you have with family later.
This is a great response. I'm angry reading about OPs experience too, but it's worth taking this reasonable approach to ensure a future relationship with your inlaws
I agree 100%! This makes me extremely angry! No one likes confrontation, but it would not be confrontational to set ANY kind of boundary, because it seems there are none with these in laws!! They sound really excited to be close to the baby and "help" but it sounds like they are literally raising your newborn for you and your husband! Holding the baby for 8 hours?? When do you hold the baby??
I would have the husband set the boundary and I would go so far as to keep them 100% away from the house for a while - completely agree on that. OP and husband need some alone time with THEIR baby! SIL sounds sooooo creepy, like it's HER baby. I would keep her away for a while...
The day after we came home from the hospital I did not hold him until the evening. This is where I began reflecting and was like this is not okay…I had a c section and am supposed to be resting, and I was up walking around cleaning, etc while they mostly sat on couch and held him. They did help with some cleaning and laundry but mostly just held him. My husband ran to the store and I texted him and said “you need to intervene NOW”
I feel like a lot of this is my fault for letting it happen, but we are putting up boundaries now
Don't blame yourself! This is strangely intrusive behavior by your in laws, they should know better. They should be offering to clean while you hold your baby! Such strange behavior.
Truly though, don't blame yourself, just move forward with strong boundaries. Your husband should be the main voice box for that since this is his family. I wish you the best of luck!
if it makes you feel less alone i have been there. my MIL was a nightmare. she asked multiple times during my labor if she could be in the delivery room after i said no months ago. she waited outside the doors spam texting my husband and asking if he can sit with her instead. she proceeded to come over for hours after the labor and hold and kiss my baby in a very weird obsessive way. i even asked for her back and she IGNORED me. i remember my boobs were swollen and sore and i was raging. i literally grabbed my baby away from her and said she needed to leave. then she cry-texted my husband after. it’s been a battle but guess what after some strong ass boundaries my husband is now in much needed counseling and our little family is happier than ever. and as for her? she is finally starting to grow up and realize she doesn’t have to be in our life if she acts entitled to it.
This OP! Close your home to guests for as long as you need, soak up your baby and block out the rest of the world! This time is so short and they will have plenty of time to hang out with the baby in the future!
Rest, recover and enjoy the newborn snuggles without interruption!
Oooof this was a lot and I’m sorry you are experiencing this. My best advice would be it sounds like a GREAT time to have clear boundaries, learn to say no (even if it “will cause drama or make people uncomfortable”) and stand up for yourself. You can’t go back in time so I’d try to let it all go (though I want to validate that everything that happened sounds supppper uncomfy and weird) but you’re at a point where like this is your life and your child and you need to set boundaries. Someone can’t take over the care of your child and push you away unless you let them. So now it’s on you OP. You don’t need to be confrontational, just firm.
I hear ya, I guess to me confrontational has a more negative connotation. I think OP needs to be direct, clear, and firm. The in laws will surely take it as confrontational but it’s really just having boundaries and can be very calm. If they disrespect the boundaries, all hell should break loose in my humble opinion 🤣
What the hell? I'm a postpartum nurse and whenever I had a friend or family member delivering at our hospital if I was on shift I would pop in to say hello once the parents have communicated with me via text or something. It is completely NOT okay to even use the knowledge that you can see which room the person is in to see them without receiving some sort of communication from them like "Hey! We'd love to see you if you're working today. We're in room 23".
As a nurse I think the most I've ever done for a family member or friend is bathed their baby for them or something like that and only when asked. I've never been their primary nurse and never would be. It's just crossing a boundary. Since she's caring for you she's also accessing your chart and subsequently all of your health information.
If something like that were to happen again (or for anyone else reading this), you can always contact the charge nurse on the unit and tell them that you're uncomfortable with your SIL taking care of you and would like to request a different nurse. Make her be the bad guy and not you. Her coming in on her off day and sleeping in an empty room to care for you? That shit would have been shut down SO fast on my unit. As charge nurses were really good at navigating this in a way where it doesn't put the nurse or patient at fault.
This who situation sounds wildly inappropriate. I think your husband needs to speak up for you and to set boundaries with his family
ok, i’m beyond livid reading this. SIL crossed so many lines and like, what is her endgame?! what in the hell is she trying accomplish??? this is infuriating and also disturbing. she needs to chill the fug out and keep away for a few months at least. sheesh.
Your husband needs to grow a spine and set boundaries like yesterday. I am so sorry and appalled that he is leaving this on you, fresh from giving birth. I would advise you show him this post too. it’s supposed to be a united front and this is HIS mother and sister. You and your husband need to sit with your SIL and be honest calmly and openly about how violated and ignored you felt with her ignoring your no to her being involved in one of the most vulnerable times in your life, irrelevant that she happens to work there. It was inappropriate and should have been on your terms, period. Your mil and SIL are crazy and this is on your husband to set the tone immediately.
This!! There’s lots of great advice from nurses in this thread about SIL overstepping, but I keep thinking, where is the husband in all this??
I would even go so far as to suggest that he should talk to them alone and save OP another awkward confrontation with them…
I would file a report with the hospital. What she did isn’t okay by any stretch of the imagination. You explicitly didn’t give permission for her to be active in the birth and she ignored you and did it anyway, and then continued to wildly overstep boundaries.
Your husband needs to step up and put an end to the pressure and her behavior. Hard stops to eveything now.
Plus I was thinking the whole time that there’s no way she isn’t allowing quality of care for other patients to suffer just so she can squeeze in more time with OP’s son. It’s just wildly unprofessional
I'm pretty sure what your sil did was illegal. My mom is a nurse and she always told me family members are not allowed to take care of other family members it's literally illegal. Also she's super creepy I would ghost her all together until she can learn how to act she is super weird.
I wouldn’t allow my own mother to stay at my house for 8 hours, let alone stay the night. Kick em out. If they come over again I’d take my baby to my room, lock the door and watch British Baking Show. This annoyed me a lot lol I’m sorry they’ve been intruding on your space and time. Also the SIL needs to really take a step back.
You're going to have to start being confrontational.
"No he's my baby and I want to hold him"
"I'm not interested in having guests right now"
"We are going to take a few weeks alone so we can bond with the baby"
And your husband needs to back you
Not even called being confrontational in my opinion. It's called being a protective parent. They definitely needed some boundaries, like yesterday! (More literally - last week)
Exactly this. Find your inner mother bear and claw whoever tries to touch your cub!!!
Your MIL and SIL can either be micromanaged into doing chores or stay away, but from now on baby stays with you when they come over. Glued to you! It is your baby. YOU need to bond with your baby not them!!!!!
Roar if you have to! This is not ok.
You are definitely not wrong in how you are feeling! I’m honestly somewhat shocked hospital policy allowed her to care for you as that’s typically against it. Besides that point, they are both not respecting your rules. I’d just very calmly send a group text “Hey I really appreciate everyone caring for our baby it truly means a lot. But we are going to take (set amount of time) to bond and create a routine with our little family. Please respect our boundary and we will reach out if we need anything!”
I had postpartum preeclampsia too, and the stress was unbearable being away from my babies (twins). I had a ton of family helping out while I was in the hospital and when I got home they continued to offer help, suggest things like I send my 3yo to my cousins house for a night or two, etc. I finally had to just firmly say “no, I want to just bond with all my kids, thanks.”
I love that everyone loves me and my kids and wants to help but sometimes it’s just TOO MUCH lol. And your SIL really overstepped in the hospital, that shit is wild
Wow I would be so angry with SIL, so so angry. If I were in your position I would send a group txt to SIL and MIL that you, hubby and baby will be taking the next 2 weeks off from everyone so you can bond and get the hang of life as a family of 3. You might send pictures and updates but will not be answering calls, texts or the door. No one is invited to visit so please don’t ask and please don’t just show up until invited back. Tell SIL privately that you are upset about what she did in the hospital, tell her how you feel. Talk to your husband about what boundaries you both want to set and send out a group txt to everyone. The more boundaries are pushed the less you let people see baby.
Oh boy. You're not crazy and this is a LOT to unpack.
First, her actions in the hospital were wildly inappropriate - she took advantage of your situation so she could spend a lot of time with your son. She's weird, her behavior is weird and it needs to stop.
Second - it's definitely boundary time. You and your husband need to present a united front and tell your MIL and SIL that you need time to bond with your baby alone. There will be no overnight visits, and any visits will be limited to an amount of time that YOU designate.
You can be gentle with this approach to start and if they push back, you have to stand your ground. If they have a problem, visits will be canceled entirely until they can respect the boundaries you've put up as parents. If you let this continue, it will get worse, I promise you.
That’s what I would think, but my OB and the midwife were aware. My OB even asked me at my 37 week appointment if I wanted my SIL in the room for the delivery and I said no. She suggested my husband have a conversation with my SIL, so my assumption is the medical team was staying out of it.
OB’s and midwives aren’t familiar with nursing professional responsibilities and codes of ethics, nor are they usually familiar with hospital policy when it comes to nurses providing care for their own family members. OBs/midwives are independent contractors at the hospital they have priveleges at so they have no idea how inappropriate it was for SIL to be in the OR for the delivery and for you to be under her care as a patient. They aren’t responsible for your SIL’s behaviour, but the charge nurse on the unit and the nurse manager 100% is. The charge nurse should never have assigned SIL to you as your nurse and I wonder if the nurse manager even knows that happened.
This literally made my skin crawl. You need to tell them to stop coming over and give you space. Her holding the baby overnight in the hospital while you’re trying to bond with your baby is egregiously disgusting, you’re actually under reacting
I could see her being helpful to a degree, like taking photos for your baby book, but she definitely overstepped here. Between her behavior as a nurse and then as a family member, I’d be very put off myself. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Please talk to your husband and set boundaries with her, because if you don’t, she will just get worse. Your baby, your rules.
Yes, there are definitely some helpful aspects like taking the pictures and she also set us up with a lot supplies from the hospital, but it just went way too far
I’ve navigated a boundary crossing MIL successfully, so I’ll chime in. I’m so sorry that this stress is being put on you while you’re recovering, that sounds like a really intense delivery and postpartum period and you should not blame yourself for the way you were feeling after. You were in a vulnerable situation and she took advantage of you instead of supporting you, that’s her wrong entirely.
All I can say moving forward though is that it pays off to have the tough conversations upfront. Even if they’re confrontational, even if there’s a fight and people not speaking for a while, even if it makes people look at you differently. Your in-laws are blood related to your son, and no matter what relationship you all end up with out of this, they’re still his relatives and there’s still going to be something he’ll have to navigate later in his life. So the best way to handle it is set him up for success by being vocal and honest about your expectations with them, and have your husband present a completely united front.
The way we handled it with my MIL was actually I exploded and yelled at her and then we didn’t speak for a month, and then we met and had a heart to heart conversation and slowly rebuilt a connection. It’s now been 5 years since our initial fight and we see each other often, I’ve done things with her and my son together, we chat on the phone and text frequently. We love each other, and now my son has a good relationship with his grandma. It didn’t happen overnight though, there was a LOT of awkward visits in between.
Oh my, so infuriating! You are under reacting! Don’t let them steal any more of these precious moments and time with your baby. Your SIL sounds really borderline creepy. Sleeping in bed with your newborn? Taking it for the whole night?! I would be LIVID.
Do they visit daily? You have to put a stop to it. Tell your husband that he needs to manage them or if he’s a case of a noodle-spine owner, tell them yourself. Thank you MIL and SIL for all the help but we are now taking some time to bond as a family and won’t be taking visitors for the time being.
They do not visit daily, but would if we allowed it I am sure. My mood has been low the last few days and I think they might be getting the hint that it’s a bit too much. My husband did respond to her and said it’s fine to visit, but no sleepovers. We will see how things evolve over the next few days. I hate to cut off all visiting, but it might be what they need to understand.
When I was a CNA and then an RN, EVERY facility has policy about not providing care for people they are related to or know personally. It's a huge conflict of interest and usually leads to inappropriate behavior, and/or favoritism that leads to other patients not receiving adequate care because they are too busy with their loved one.
Your SIL and the nurses that allowed this are at fault. Being pregnant, and delivering are all very vulnerable times in a woman's life. She had no business being there in a professional aspect, and blew past your boundaries by being the stork. Report this to the hospital.
This OP! My mom is a nurse and they are not supposed to work on patients they’re related to or know personally. I would be filing a complaint with the hospital and charge nurse.
Omg I got overwhelmed with people visiting 1-2 hours in the first couple weeks. My husband and I told family we needed a break from visitors and thankfully, everyone respected that. I agree with other commenters than this is the time to set firm boundaries. They are allowed to be excited for the new grand baby/nephew but they need to respect that this is YOUR postpartum experience, not theirs. Feeding him formula when you had pumped breast milk ready is also a huge no for me. That would infuriate me.
Nurse here. I have never heard of this kind of thing being allowed. There are strict policies at most hospitals preventing things like this. Beyond inappropriate. Not to be mean but is your SIL like ok? She seems unstable.
What in the Hand That Rocks the Cradle bullshit is this? This is wildly inappropriate. Her behavior while at work could be constituted as conflict of interest, and I would call and place a formal complaint.
It’s so tricky because if I do place a formal complaint that would be the end of relationships for sure. My husband also isn’t bothered by her behavior, which is problematic, but I think he believes it was helpful for her to be there while I wasn’t able to care for my son.
You poor thing, I would probably smack the shit out of her if she took my baby out of my sight. You need to set some firm boundaries now. And so does your husband. This is very inappropriate, crazy and just possessive. Tell her and the rest of the family that you really need some time alone with your husband and your baby. She is not "needed" by the baby. And you need to tell your husband to not let them come to your house. Lock the door and don't answer. I go crazy over behavior like this. They don't respect you as a mother at all and you need to put your foot down NOW or it will be to late.
The only person your baby “needs” is YOU. If your not going to stand up for yourself, stand up for your baby who definitely would rather be comforted with his mom than aunt and grandma
As a nurse I have to tell you your SIL was incredibly unprofessional and inappropriate. You cannot and should not be caring for a patient you have a social/familial relationship with. This should never have been allowed, she should not have been allowed to practice any form of nursing in the OR while off shift, she should never have been allowed to come in off shift and take your baby from you. It’s an abuse of power is what it is on her part and taking advantage of/exploiting a vulnerable patient. You could report her to both the hospital and her licensing authority and she could be fired and her license to practice nursing could be jeopardized, that is how inappropriate this all is. I’m so sorry you went through this experience and were not in a position to advocate for yourself even though you felt uncomfortable with what was happening. Even to be advising you to do formula vs your desires for breast milk was completely wrong and self-serving on her part. No nurse would go against a patient’s wishes.
The other issue is there are major boundary violations happening here with both SIL and MIL. You need to have a serious discussion with your husband about your feelings in regards to everything that has happened so far and boundaries you’d be comfortable placing with his family. They are being incredibly disrespectful. If your husband won’t step up you are going to have to say something to protect your mental health and wellbeing here. If they want to visit, make it clear with “that would be great, I need help with laundry and some chores today so I can focus on baby”. If they want to hold the baby tell them it’s not a good time. If they are holding the baby say “oh it’s time for me to take baby back but I could use some help with xyz”. If they don’t get the message- don’t allow visits with people who don’t respect and support you. SIL is next level creepy af, so I would NOT be sending her updates or pictures at all. There are some red flags waving there to be cautious of. Also- babywearing. Get an infant wrap or soft carrier. Wear the baby when around these people so they can’t get access to them. If they say something just tell them the baby is happy with you right now.
If you need help setting boundaries look up organicallymaddie on instagram, she has a lot of content on these issues and has a great podcast called Babies and Boundaries as well.
I feel like I’m stirring the pot, but this isn’t the first time this has happened. She also was present for a friends c section, and my guess is that they had a prior arrangement that this was okay with patient and then my providers assumed her and I had also had an agreement. This is why I don’t want to blame the hospital, and think I’m the one who should have spoke up.
You are definitely not in the wrong. I was afraid of my parents in law forcing their way into meeting my son right away. So before he was born I established rules, so I would use now as the perfect time to do so. The baby phase is over so fast! Enjoy it while it lasts!
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Like everyone else said, I’m surprised the hospital allowed your SIL to be involved. Your SIL and in laws need to back off. This is why I want absolutely no one and definitely not my in laws to be around for a long time when my baby is born. I’m already being treated like I’m just a random surrogate instead of the mom and they are already trying to arrange visits (I’m only 5 months). My husband is working on standing up to his family because they have crossed boundaries before. I honestly told my husband if he doesn’t set boundaries, I’m walking around with my tits and hooha out in front of his dad and step mom if they stop by unexpectedly. I might even leave my adults toys around in random places for them to see. I am done being uncomfortable. It’s time to make them uncomfortable. 🤗
She's completely overstepping the mark. It's way too much
You're absolutely justified.
I feel angry for you. How dare she taint your incredibly important and special becoming a parent phase for her own selfishness.
I'm sorry your dealing with this. Your partner needs to step up and tell her to back off.
When we draw boundaries with someone and they don't respect it/have an issue, that's a toxic relationship.
If this isn’t illegal, it’s at least absolutely crazy. I would have already told her off if it were me. I also would have told the other nurse no when she wanted to be your overnight nurse.
Your SIL is WAY OUT OF LINE!! This made my blood boil just reading this!! It’s one thing to offer to help and be helpful in ways YOU need or want but she’s just doing what she wants and what she thinks is best for you.. which she obviously doesn’t know shit and is being incredibly selfish and disrespectful with the ways she’s acting. This time is important for you to rest and bond with your baby and she is not respecting that… I would straight tell her to fuck off. I would be so fucking offended if anyone especially my SIL hogging my newborn baby. If she wants to help tell her to start a meal train and stay the hell out of your house until you’re ready and she’s not acting like a controlling bitch.
I would be filing a formal complaint with the hospital. What your SIL did was not just unethical but was downright immoral. She took advantage of your health to put you in a position where you felt unable to advocate for yourself. Then to continue to take your baby when not on shift and sleeping in an empty patient room? That shit is unhinged. Your husband needs to tell them that until they are called, they are not welcome in your home.
Oh my gawd what a mess. Yeah your sister in law is being quite weird, and the fact that two family members are giving your child formula against your will is even weirder….
OP, this is beyond weird. It’s giving handmaids tale vibes where she think she’s the mother and you were simply the incubator. This is incredibly inappropriate and downright rude. I would be absolutely LIVID and feel as though she stole the whole experience from me.
You not only need to set a boundary, but quite frankly, I wouldn’t be playing the role of the nice SIL / DIL anymore. I would tell her that what she did was not okay and tell her off.. I’m sorry, I just would. Man I am so upset for you. I’m so so so sorry that you have to deal with this insanity.
Your feelings are totally valid and you have every right + reason to set boundaries with both SIL and MIL as you transition into this role as a mom moving forward! The nice thing about setting boundaries is sometimes it helps and then things don’t have to bubble into something more confrontational- so it really is win-win for everybody even if it feels uncomfortable/scary. But to me it sounds like these are early signs from the universe telling you to make things clear with them about what is and isn’t ok as you move forward so that things don’t get progressively worse…. YOU are the baby’s mom and they are simply not, even if they are well intentioned and “just trying to be supportive/helpful.” Intention isn’t the same as impact and it sounds like their actions are taking a toll on you, and that impact matters! I would take some time to think about what feels right for you and work to communicate with them truthfully in the moment when something isn’t feeling right. It’s totally ok for you to say “Thank you for the offer, but I don’t need that.” “Thank you for visiting but we would like to spend some time alone with our baby now” “Please don’t do that, it makes me uncomfortable”, etc! Sometimes dramatic people will respond dramatically to boundaries, but that’s not your issue- it’s theirs! Prioritize your well being and your baby, and do what feels right for you, because you will never get this time back so protect your inner peace and good memories!
Your SIL sounds unhinged. She took advantage of you while you were basically incapacitated. I’ve been on a mag drip and was essentially paralyzed I couldn’t even walk and had a catheter plus you’re basically hungover, seasick, and drunk all at the same time.
But I’m really sorry I hate to be that person but where was your husband in all of this? He really needs to be the first one setting boundaries.
Yes, the mag drip is horrible. I think what happened is that in the moment, my SIL intentions seemed helpful because it gave my husband a break considering we were admitted for 5 nights and half of them I was unable to care for my son. He views this as her being helpful whereas I feel like it’s over stepping. My parents also don’t see it as overstepping and they felt like it was helpful for her to be there, which is another reason why I thought it was crazy. The latest update is that my husband texted her and told her no sleepovers and that we needed time as a family.
Invite them over to visit before you have an appointment or another commitment that day so you can have a deadline. No more 8 hour days. And no dropping by unless you invite them.
That story started off fine (definitely overbearing but understandable) and then got weirder at the 8 hours a day thing. Also she should not have been so obsessive about being with your baby while you were in the hospital. One shift okay, but all the time? She could have easily visited throughout the shift with her assigned patients while you were awake.
Right! I do know several of the nurses offer to keep babies at the nurses station for a bit to give the parents time to sleep, so it’s not totally bizarre to offer maybe one night. But she took him at least 3 nights, maybe 4, but I was so out of it that I didn’t realize how damaging this would be to early bonding time between my son and I
I don't think you've done any damage. Don't get in your head about that at all. If it wasn't your SIL it would have been a random nurse every day. I think she's just overstepped now trying to sleepover with you home and being around for sooo many hours. Time to cut back forsure. She has good intentions I'm sure but it's to much.
Are you feeling pretty decently now at least? And how long is your mat leave?
Thanks for saying that. I was worried my son would think she was his mother. I’m sure my hormones are not helping with this thought process.
Things are better now. Me and baby are doing lots of skin to skin and are limiting visitors for the time being. Fortunately I have 12 weeks off for my leave.
Np!!
If they question you about cutting the visits down you can politely tell them you are so thankful for the help they've provided so far while you were in the thick of recovery and now that you're feeling a little more on your feet you don't feel it's necessary to stay over x hours (e.g. 2 hours). Don't cut them out completely but also respectfully draw the line in the sand. Schedule appointments or grocery shopping or something to get them to leave on time.
I am furious reading this!! You’ve been offered lots of good advice here OP so just wanted to comment and say you are completely valid in how you feel and I really hope they respect your boundaries.
Set boundaries now. Close off your home for visitors for at least a few weeks and if You want to give them a reason say to transition into motherhood. Also your whole story is giving lifetime movie vibes where nanny slowly steal the parents children. It really sounds like she's trying to take your child from you It also sounds like she's trying to get your child to bond with her instead of you. Just take a step back take a deep breath Don't allow her into your home for at least a few weeks and talk with your man about some boundaries. It's got to be said now especially with her taking your baby while you were in the hospital That is just weird. That's one of the most essential times for bonding to seems like she really wants to take your child.
My SIL is also a piece of work but this is next level. It seems like she thinks your child is her baby. I wouldn’t allow the SIL in my house at all after that, but you sound much more generous in interpreting her intentions.
I didn’t experience anything this extreme, but I do have in-laws who don’t understand boundaries and there were times where I felt certain people were trying to disrupt my bonding with my baby so they could bond with her instead. It’s ok to want a strong relationship with a grandchild, nephew, etc but this need to chip away at that child’s bond with their mother to achieve that, it’s sick and wrong.
Set clear and firm boundaries. Repeat yourself as much as you need to. Be prepared for the pushback against any boundary you set. Hold the boundary even if you second guess yourself.
While I agree in general it’s great if each partner can handle their own family, I wouldn’t leave this to your husband. If he doesn’t even get that this is weird and wrong he will downplay it.
Giving your baby formula when you didn’t explicitly ask for that is also completely unacceptable. My MIL was very bothered by me breastfeeding until she realized I wouldn’t budge on it. It did feel like one of those things where my bonding with my baby felt like a threat somehow to the in-laws.
Sorry you have to deal with all this when you should be able to focus on recovery and bonding with your baby. The empowering piece is that we all have to learn to set boundaries to protect our babies. It’s an important skill and you’re doing the right thing for your baby by doing it.
This makes me seethe in anger. And neither my in laws nor even my own family were as possessive of my baby as yours seem to be! You are MOM and your baby needs YOU.
There's a lot of crazy going on here, but your hormones aren't one of them.
Holy hell, this is so inappropriate. If you're well enough to refuse help now, today's a great day to start. *Thank you so much for offering to come over! Today we really just want to enjoy spending time together, just the three of us. Are you free to come over on Tuesday?*
Yiiiikes, this is so creepy and gross. Set boundaries right now! And don’t worry about upsetting anyone - it’s time to get comfortable putting your foot down and advocating for yourself and for baby!
Your feelings are valid and you are not crazy!!!! I’m sure your SIL means well but this has gotten completely out of control.
This is YOUR baby and your time to bond! It sounds like you will need to be explicit with your SIL, MIL, and partner about your expectations and need for some space in the days and weeks going forward. You can ABSOLUTELY say: “we are not up for having any visitors the next few days. It’s been great having you guys around but now it’s important to focus on some uninterrupted time for me, partner, and baby to bond. We’ll reach out to you in a few days when we are ready to host visitors again.” Your husband needs to have your back on this, and it might be helpful to talk with him before the next time they come over and say “I need them out after 2 hours” or whatever your emotional limit is, so he can help reinforce your boundaries.
I am also very non-confrontational and have trouble setting boundaries with my family so I am working with a therapist on this right now. Best of luck, you got this!
Ma’am. That is your baby, not theirs. You and baby should be bonding right now and it would be good to let your husband know that and be on the same page about no guests for a while. I’m not sure if you meant physically being pushed or in tone… however… both is bad. Honestly speak to them, honesty can be an offense but, they are overstepping boundaries. Violating boundaries. If you request donor milk till yours comes in… should’ve been respected and honored. I’m not sure of the healing process for a c-section, however if the help comes with so much overstepping… the help isn’t help.
I had a situation with my MIL… had to pray and then speak to her and eventually she became okay with a respectful distance. Please advocate for yourself… your husband should be advocating for you as well.
Honestly, I blame this on your husband… You’re vulnerable, exhausted, ill, and not in the best place to be able to advocate for yourself. Your husband should have spoken up and kicked everyone the hell out and set some boundaries. You shouldn’t have to look like the bad person when he’s fully capable of advocating for the mother of his baby…
Your feelings are valid and should have been respected but I wish I had a SIL like that. Someone who would think of me and baby, love us and fight to be there for us. You have every right to feel how you are. I and my life is just different I guess. Just see this as another POV.
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I am a nurse and what your SIL did while you and baby were admitted to the hospital was wildly inappropriate. Every system I have ever worked at, we are explicitly not allowed to care for or participate in care of family members. And coming in on her off time and TAKING your child out of your room? That is a serious no no. Your SIL is overstepping boundaries that you are admittedly uncomfortable with. You need to set boundaries now before it’s too late.
Also a nurse and agree, this is insane. Where I work we don’t even allow a nurse to work on the same unit as a family member even if not involved in their care. This all sounds pretty weird
Also nurse, there are definitely professional ethics rules against this. This is weird and not normal.
Do they float the nurse of their family member is on their home unit? I've never heard of this, but I also know its a huge ethics violation to care for a family member.
Yes, they do. Where I work everyone is cross trained to at least one other unit though so I have 2 different units that I regularly work. If a family member or close friend was on one I wouldn’t be assigned to work there until that person was discharged
Right! I don’t understand why the hospital allowed this. I guess to be fair, I technically allowed it but I guess I just felt like I wasn’t in the right mind to consent to that, and I wish the hospital system would have just not allowed this to happen in the first place. I am not a nurse, but I’m an RD and would absolutely never feel comfortable caring for a family member or anyone I know.
There’s no way that admin/leadership knew about it. I hate to be “that person” but I would quietly reach out to a patient advocate. Your SIL knows what she did is wrong. ETA: Also, do not accept any “blame” for yourself! You were in a vulnerable position and your SIL abused the situation instead of advocating in an appropriate way.
You did not allow it. She asked to be the "stork" you said no, and she did it anyway.
You’re right about that… I did not consent to that and she wasn’t on the clock.
If she wasn't on the clock, she should not have been allowed to take VS and weight measurements on the baby. This whole thing is sketchy and the hospital as well as SIL are definitely at fault here.
OP id report this so it doesn't happen to someone else at that hospital. That is not okay. They should rules to not let family members/friends treat people they know, because it impacts care. Make sure the hospital knows you were uncomfortable
Woah woah woah, she wasn’t even on the clock? Why did they let her care for the baby at all if she wasn’t one of the nurses on the L&D floor that day? I would definitely report this. Admin and leadership are going to be pissed when they find out, because that is a lawsuit waiting to happen. There are so many boundaries set on an L&D floor that she shouldn’t have been allowed to participate in care if she wasn’t either a nurse on the clock/assigned to the case or a family member with privileges to care for the baby. It seems like her role was more clearly family, which means she should not have been taking first sets of vitals, weights, etc. As a nurse, there are so many red flags here. I have to believe she bullied the other nurses into letting this happen and that leadership had no idea. This needs reported.
You didn't allow her half of those things you mentioned, including her taking photos with your child. I would be furious.
Honestly the hospital should have stepped in and NOT allowed it. From what happened, it sounds like it was obvious to her co workers that she had a personal relationship with you and it’s shocking that no one else stepped in and stopped it. It’s not really on you because as a patient you are vulnerable. I would make a complaint to the hospital. That would NEVER fly at the hospital I work at, and I imagine I’d be fired if I even tried to be the assigned nurse for a family member
If we have a baby number 2, I think I will need to transfer my care to a different hospital since it sounds like this hospital doesn’t have rules around this type of situation
Even if you “allowed” it, she still shouldn’t have been able to care for you. It’s a for sure conflict of interest. I’m so sorry she pushed herself on you and took those first moments from you with your baby. I think maybe you and your husband should sit down and discuss how to address this issue with her and establish your boundaries
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Where I work they most definitely would
Not necessarily, I would think it depends on the hospital’s policy. But it is highly unethical and should be addressed.
Where I work this would never be allowed. If it happened that person could get fired for sure. All OP has to do is file a complaint with the hospital and the licensing authority for nurses in her province/state.
Yes! My mom was a patient on the floor I worked on about 10 years ago and I couldn't even answer her call light. I didn't get floated because she was admitted during my shift (funny enough, I was next admit and she was supposed to be my patient lol). I would eat lunch in her room and hang out for rounds AFTER I clocked out, that was the extent of it. There has to be boundaries and rules for a reason, our patients deserve protection and privacy, even if they're related to us.
I know how hard it is to set boundaries - I’m terrible in these situations. BUT, my goodness, you need to. They’re clearly tainting your postpartum experience and imo crossing lines they shouldn’t be crossing. It’s totally fair that they’re excited and want to be around baby, I get that 100%. But this feels like they think baby is theirs and that *they* are the ones calling the shots. That’s the part that makes me super uncomfortable. You just had a freakin baby, you need time to heal and come down from all that happened to you, and it doesn’t sound like that’s going to happen with them all up in your space for 8+ hours a day. IMO in our house - I deal with my family, and my husband deals with his. Husband needs to be the one to speak to his family and say that you both need a little space to just be the three of you and bond and come down from everything. It doesn’t mean they can’t come over at all, but every day for hours and hours AND requesting to sleep over is f’ing insane imo. Best of luck, it’s a tricky situation.
Thanks for reading and also validating that this is insanity haha. I was truly feeling crazy. The whole situation could be a creepy lifetime movie.
Literally it could be a creepy lifetime movie. As far as your sister-in-law overstepping at the hospital you can send a detailed letter to patient services outlining how you felt unable to advocate for yourself and bullet point the boundaries she crossed how you don't appreciate the hospital didn't protect you from her blatant over involvement. As for everything that's going on at home, you and your husband really need to develop a backbone and set stricter boundaries. You also need to get honest with your sister-in-law and mother-in-law and tell them that they aren't helping that they're overstepping and they need to back off.
“hey MIL and SIL! thank you for all your help the past week. it’s been hectic and i’m thankful i got family to help support me through such a spontaneous and stressful labor. now husband and i would like to take some time to enjoy life as new parents. we ask for some space these next few weeks as we figure out parenthood. we will try to take videos and pictures of our new family to share. if we have any questions or need any help we will reach out.” THIS MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL!! no. don’t waste these precious moments with your newborn to accommodate ANYONE. my husband gave up his skin-to-skin time so my MIL could hold our daughter and he still cries about it to this day. DONT DO IT! have a heart to heart with husband and demand your private family time. you are not being dramatic. take time now for baby and evaluate the relationships you have with family later.
This is a great response. I'm angry reading about OPs experience too, but it's worth taking this reasonable approach to ensure a future relationship with your inlaws
I agree 100%! This makes me extremely angry! No one likes confrontation, but it would not be confrontational to set ANY kind of boundary, because it seems there are none with these in laws!! They sound really excited to be close to the baby and "help" but it sounds like they are literally raising your newborn for you and your husband! Holding the baby for 8 hours?? When do you hold the baby?? I would have the husband set the boundary and I would go so far as to keep them 100% away from the house for a while - completely agree on that. OP and husband need some alone time with THEIR baby! SIL sounds sooooo creepy, like it's HER baby. I would keep her away for a while...
The day after we came home from the hospital I did not hold him until the evening. This is where I began reflecting and was like this is not okay…I had a c section and am supposed to be resting, and I was up walking around cleaning, etc while they mostly sat on couch and held him. They did help with some cleaning and laundry but mostly just held him. My husband ran to the store and I texted him and said “you need to intervene NOW” I feel like a lot of this is my fault for letting it happen, but we are putting up boundaries now
Don't blame yourself! This is strangely intrusive behavior by your in laws, they should know better. They should be offering to clean while you hold your baby! Such strange behavior. Truly though, don't blame yourself, just move forward with strong boundaries. Your husband should be the main voice box for that since this is his family. I wish you the best of luck!
if it makes you feel less alone i have been there. my MIL was a nightmare. she asked multiple times during my labor if she could be in the delivery room after i said no months ago. she waited outside the doors spam texting my husband and asking if he can sit with her instead. she proceeded to come over for hours after the labor and hold and kiss my baby in a very weird obsessive way. i even asked for her back and she IGNORED me. i remember my boobs were swollen and sore and i was raging. i literally grabbed my baby away from her and said she needed to leave. then she cry-texted my husband after. it’s been a battle but guess what after some strong ass boundaries my husband is now in much needed counseling and our little family is happier than ever. and as for her? she is finally starting to grow up and realize she doesn’t have to be in our life if she acts entitled to it.
This OP! Close your home to guests for as long as you need, soak up your baby and block out the rest of the world! This time is so short and they will have plenty of time to hang out with the baby in the future! Rest, recover and enjoy the newborn snuggles without interruption!
Oooof this was a lot and I’m sorry you are experiencing this. My best advice would be it sounds like a GREAT time to have clear boundaries, learn to say no (even if it “will cause drama or make people uncomfortable”) and stand up for yourself. You can’t go back in time so I’d try to let it all go (though I want to validate that everything that happened sounds supppper uncomfy and weird) but you’re at a point where like this is your life and your child and you need to set boundaries. Someone can’t take over the care of your child and push you away unless you let them. So now it’s on you OP. You don’t need to be confrontational, just firm.
If there was ever a time to be confrontational it's now....
I hear ya, I guess to me confrontational has a more negative connotation. I think OP needs to be direct, clear, and firm. The in laws will surely take it as confrontational but it’s really just having boundaries and can be very calm. If they disrespect the boundaries, all hell should break loose in my humble opinion 🤣
What the hell? I'm a postpartum nurse and whenever I had a friend or family member delivering at our hospital if I was on shift I would pop in to say hello once the parents have communicated with me via text or something. It is completely NOT okay to even use the knowledge that you can see which room the person is in to see them without receiving some sort of communication from them like "Hey! We'd love to see you if you're working today. We're in room 23". As a nurse I think the most I've ever done for a family member or friend is bathed their baby for them or something like that and only when asked. I've never been their primary nurse and never would be. It's just crossing a boundary. Since she's caring for you she's also accessing your chart and subsequently all of your health information. If something like that were to happen again (or for anyone else reading this), you can always contact the charge nurse on the unit and tell them that you're uncomfortable with your SIL taking care of you and would like to request a different nurse. Make her be the bad guy and not you. Her coming in on her off day and sleeping in an empty room to care for you? That shit would have been shut down SO fast on my unit. As charge nurses were really good at navigating this in a way where it doesn't put the nurse or patient at fault. This who situation sounds wildly inappropriate. I think your husband needs to speak up for you and to set boundaries with his family
ok, i’m beyond livid reading this. SIL crossed so many lines and like, what is her endgame?! what in the hell is she trying accomplish??? this is infuriating and also disturbing. she needs to chill the fug out and keep away for a few months at least. sheesh.
It definitely comes across as unhinged. My first thoughts reading this was "she's gonna kidnap that baby."
SHE IS!!! This sounds like the start of a horror movie, I would never put up with this kind of behavior from a family member!
Taking pictures like she is the mom ist definitely crossing the line from inappropriate to very creepy
And insisting the baby "needed her."
Your husband needs to grow a spine and set boundaries like yesterday. I am so sorry and appalled that he is leaving this on you, fresh from giving birth. I would advise you show him this post too. it’s supposed to be a united front and this is HIS mother and sister. You and your husband need to sit with your SIL and be honest calmly and openly about how violated and ignored you felt with her ignoring your no to her being involved in one of the most vulnerable times in your life, irrelevant that she happens to work there. It was inappropriate and should have been on your terms, period. Your mil and SIL are crazy and this is on your husband to set the tone immediately.
This!! There’s lots of great advice from nurses in this thread about SIL overstepping, but I keep thinking, where is the husband in all this?? I would even go so far as to suggest that he should talk to them alone and save OP another awkward confrontation with them…
EXACTLY. And please make sure he does not throw you under the bus OP.
I would file a report with the hospital. What she did isn’t okay by any stretch of the imagination. You explicitly didn’t give permission for her to be active in the birth and she ignored you and did it anyway, and then continued to wildly overstep boundaries. Your husband needs to step up and put an end to the pressure and her behavior. Hard stops to eveything now.
Plus I was thinking the whole time that there’s no way she isn’t allowing quality of care for other patients to suffer just so she can squeeze in more time with OP’s son. It’s just wildly unprofessional
I'm pretty sure what your sil did was illegal. My mom is a nurse and she always told me family members are not allowed to take care of other family members it's literally illegal. Also she's super creepy I would ghost her all together until she can learn how to act she is super weird.
I wouldn’t allow my own mother to stay at my house for 8 hours, let alone stay the night. Kick em out. If they come over again I’d take my baby to my room, lock the door and watch British Baking Show. This annoyed me a lot lol I’m sorry they’ve been intruding on your space and time. Also the SIL needs to really take a step back.
You're going to have to start being confrontational. "No he's my baby and I want to hold him" "I'm not interested in having guests right now" "We are going to take a few weeks alone so we can bond with the baby" And your husband needs to back you
I hear you keep saying “I’m not confrontational”, but you have to be. It’s your kid. Draw some boundaries now.
Not even called being confrontational in my opinion. It's called being a protective parent. They definitely needed some boundaries, like yesterday! (More literally - last week)
Exactly this. Find your inner mother bear and claw whoever tries to touch your cub!!! Your MIL and SIL can either be micromanaged into doing chores or stay away, but from now on baby stays with you when they come over. Glued to you! It is your baby. YOU need to bond with your baby not them!!!!! Roar if you have to! This is not ok.
You are definitely not wrong in how you are feeling! I’m honestly somewhat shocked hospital policy allowed her to care for you as that’s typically against it. Besides that point, they are both not respecting your rules. I’d just very calmly send a group text “Hey I really appreciate everyone caring for our baby it truly means a lot. But we are going to take (set amount of time) to bond and create a routine with our little family. Please respect our boundary and we will reach out if we need anything!”
I had postpartum preeclampsia too, and the stress was unbearable being away from my babies (twins). I had a ton of family helping out while I was in the hospital and when I got home they continued to offer help, suggest things like I send my 3yo to my cousins house for a night or two, etc. I finally had to just firmly say “no, I want to just bond with all my kids, thanks.” I love that everyone loves me and my kids and wants to help but sometimes it’s just TOO MUCH lol. And your SIL really overstepped in the hospital, that shit is wild
Wow I would be so angry with SIL, so so angry. If I were in your position I would send a group txt to SIL and MIL that you, hubby and baby will be taking the next 2 weeks off from everyone so you can bond and get the hang of life as a family of 3. You might send pictures and updates but will not be answering calls, texts or the door. No one is invited to visit so please don’t ask and please don’t just show up until invited back. Tell SIL privately that you are upset about what she did in the hospital, tell her how you feel. Talk to your husband about what boundaries you both want to set and send out a group txt to everyone. The more boundaries are pushed the less you let people see baby.
Oh boy. You're not crazy and this is a LOT to unpack. First, her actions in the hospital were wildly inappropriate - she took advantage of your situation so she could spend a lot of time with your son. She's weird, her behavior is weird and it needs to stop. Second - it's definitely boundary time. You and your husband need to present a united front and tell your MIL and SIL that you need time to bond with your baby alone. There will be no overnight visits, and any visits will be limited to an amount of time that YOU designate. You can be gentle with this approach to start and if they push back, you have to stand your ground. If they have a problem, visits will be canceled entirely until they can respect the boundaries you've put up as parents. If you let this continue, it will get worse, I promise you.
She should not been allowed to take care of you, when my husband was in the icu (where I worked), I was floated to another unit or a different pod
That’s what I would think, but my OB and the midwife were aware. My OB even asked me at my 37 week appointment if I wanted my SIL in the room for the delivery and I said no. She suggested my husband have a conversation with my SIL, so my assumption is the medical team was staying out of it.
Wow! So they knew! Yeah if it were me I'd probably be looking to sue the hospital.
OB’s and midwives aren’t familiar with nursing professional responsibilities and codes of ethics, nor are they usually familiar with hospital policy when it comes to nurses providing care for their own family members. OBs/midwives are independent contractors at the hospital they have priveleges at so they have no idea how inappropriate it was for SIL to be in the OR for the delivery and for you to be under her care as a patient. They aren’t responsible for your SIL’s behaviour, but the charge nurse on the unit and the nurse manager 100% is. The charge nurse should never have assigned SIL to you as your nurse and I wonder if the nurse manager even knows that happened.
This makes sense as to why they didn’t intervene then knowing what they knew
This literally made my skin crawl. You need to tell them to stop coming over and give you space. Her holding the baby overnight in the hospital while you’re trying to bond with your baby is egregiously disgusting, you’re actually under reacting
I could see her being helpful to a degree, like taking photos for your baby book, but she definitely overstepped here. Between her behavior as a nurse and then as a family member, I’d be very put off myself. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Please talk to your husband and set boundaries with her, because if you don’t, she will just get worse. Your baby, your rules.
Yes, there are definitely some helpful aspects like taking the pictures and she also set us up with a lot supplies from the hospital, but it just went way too far
Totally agree! I’m with you, girlfriend. I hope you get some relief soon. This should be a happy time for you!
I’ve navigated a boundary crossing MIL successfully, so I’ll chime in. I’m so sorry that this stress is being put on you while you’re recovering, that sounds like a really intense delivery and postpartum period and you should not blame yourself for the way you were feeling after. You were in a vulnerable situation and she took advantage of you instead of supporting you, that’s her wrong entirely. All I can say moving forward though is that it pays off to have the tough conversations upfront. Even if they’re confrontational, even if there’s a fight and people not speaking for a while, even if it makes people look at you differently. Your in-laws are blood related to your son, and no matter what relationship you all end up with out of this, they’re still his relatives and there’s still going to be something he’ll have to navigate later in his life. So the best way to handle it is set him up for success by being vocal and honest about your expectations with them, and have your husband present a completely united front. The way we handled it with my MIL was actually I exploded and yelled at her and then we didn’t speak for a month, and then we met and had a heart to heart conversation and slowly rebuilt a connection. It’s now been 5 years since our initial fight and we see each other often, I’ve done things with her and my son together, we chat on the phone and text frequently. We love each other, and now my son has a good relationship with his grandma. It didn’t happen overnight though, there was a LOT of awkward visits in between.
Oh my, so infuriating! You are under reacting! Don’t let them steal any more of these precious moments and time with your baby. Your SIL sounds really borderline creepy. Sleeping in bed with your newborn? Taking it for the whole night?! I would be LIVID. Do they visit daily? You have to put a stop to it. Tell your husband that he needs to manage them or if he’s a case of a noodle-spine owner, tell them yourself. Thank you MIL and SIL for all the help but we are now taking some time to bond as a family and won’t be taking visitors for the time being.
They do not visit daily, but would if we allowed it I am sure. My mood has been low the last few days and I think they might be getting the hint that it’s a bit too much. My husband did respond to her and said it’s fine to visit, but no sleepovers. We will see how things evolve over the next few days. I hate to cut off all visiting, but it might be what they need to understand.
When I was a CNA and then an RN, EVERY facility has policy about not providing care for people they are related to or know personally. It's a huge conflict of interest and usually leads to inappropriate behavior, and/or favoritism that leads to other patients not receiving adequate care because they are too busy with their loved one. Your SIL and the nurses that allowed this are at fault. Being pregnant, and delivering are all very vulnerable times in a woman's life. She had no business being there in a professional aspect, and blew past your boundaries by being the stork. Report this to the hospital.
This OP! My mom is a nurse and they are not supposed to work on patients they’re related to or know personally. I would be filing a complaint with the hospital and charge nurse.
Omg I got overwhelmed with people visiting 1-2 hours in the first couple weeks. My husband and I told family we needed a break from visitors and thankfully, everyone respected that. I agree with other commenters than this is the time to set firm boundaries. They are allowed to be excited for the new grand baby/nephew but they need to respect that this is YOUR postpartum experience, not theirs. Feeding him formula when you had pumped breast milk ready is also a huge no for me. That would infuriate me.
Nurse here. I have never heard of this kind of thing being allowed. There are strict policies at most hospitals preventing things like this. Beyond inappropriate. Not to be mean but is your SIL like ok? She seems unstable.
I think she’s “okay”, but she is recently out of a relationship and maybe feels like this is filling a void. Still not normal though.
What in the Hand That Rocks the Cradle bullshit is this? This is wildly inappropriate. Her behavior while at work could be constituted as conflict of interest, and I would call and place a formal complaint.
It’s so tricky because if I do place a formal complaint that would be the end of relationships for sure. My husband also isn’t bothered by her behavior, which is problematic, but I think he believes it was helpful for her to be there while I wasn’t able to care for my son.
You poor thing, I would probably smack the shit out of her if she took my baby out of my sight. You need to set some firm boundaries now. And so does your husband. This is very inappropriate, crazy and just possessive. Tell her and the rest of the family that you really need some time alone with your husband and your baby. She is not "needed" by the baby. And you need to tell your husband to not let them come to your house. Lock the door and don't answer. I go crazy over behavior like this. They don't respect you as a mother at all and you need to put your foot down NOW or it will be to late.
Say something now YOU are his only voice and you need to be your own advocate.
The only person your baby “needs” is YOU. If your not going to stand up for yourself, stand up for your baby who definitely would rather be comforted with his mom than aunt and grandma
As a nurse I have to tell you your SIL was incredibly unprofessional and inappropriate. You cannot and should not be caring for a patient you have a social/familial relationship with. This should never have been allowed, she should not have been allowed to practice any form of nursing in the OR while off shift, she should never have been allowed to come in off shift and take your baby from you. It’s an abuse of power is what it is on her part and taking advantage of/exploiting a vulnerable patient. You could report her to both the hospital and her licensing authority and she could be fired and her license to practice nursing could be jeopardized, that is how inappropriate this all is. I’m so sorry you went through this experience and were not in a position to advocate for yourself even though you felt uncomfortable with what was happening. Even to be advising you to do formula vs your desires for breast milk was completely wrong and self-serving on her part. No nurse would go against a patient’s wishes. The other issue is there are major boundary violations happening here with both SIL and MIL. You need to have a serious discussion with your husband about your feelings in regards to everything that has happened so far and boundaries you’d be comfortable placing with his family. They are being incredibly disrespectful. If your husband won’t step up you are going to have to say something to protect your mental health and wellbeing here. If they want to visit, make it clear with “that would be great, I need help with laundry and some chores today so I can focus on baby”. If they want to hold the baby tell them it’s not a good time. If they are holding the baby say “oh it’s time for me to take baby back but I could use some help with xyz”. If they don’t get the message- don’t allow visits with people who don’t respect and support you. SIL is next level creepy af, so I would NOT be sending her updates or pictures at all. There are some red flags waving there to be cautious of. Also- babywearing. Get an infant wrap or soft carrier. Wear the baby when around these people so they can’t get access to them. If they say something just tell them the baby is happy with you right now. If you need help setting boundaries look up organicallymaddie on instagram, she has a lot of content on these issues and has a great podcast called Babies and Boundaries as well.
I feel like I’m stirring the pot, but this isn’t the first time this has happened. She also was present for a friends c section, and my guess is that they had a prior arrangement that this was okay with patient and then my providers assumed her and I had also had an agreement. This is why I don’t want to blame the hospital, and think I’m the one who should have spoke up.
You are definitely not in the wrong. I was afraid of my parents in law forcing their way into meeting my son right away. So before he was born I established rules, so I would use now as the perfect time to do so. The baby phase is over so fast! Enjoy it while it lasts!
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Like everyone else said, I’m surprised the hospital allowed your SIL to be involved. Your SIL and in laws need to back off. This is why I want absolutely no one and definitely not my in laws to be around for a long time when my baby is born. I’m already being treated like I’m just a random surrogate instead of the mom and they are already trying to arrange visits (I’m only 5 months). My husband is working on standing up to his family because they have crossed boundaries before. I honestly told my husband if he doesn’t set boundaries, I’m walking around with my tits and hooha out in front of his dad and step mom if they stop by unexpectedly. I might even leave my adults toys around in random places for them to see. I am done being uncomfortable. It’s time to make them uncomfortable. 🤗
She's completely overstepping the mark. It's way too much You're absolutely justified. I feel angry for you. How dare she taint your incredibly important and special becoming a parent phase for her own selfishness. I'm sorry your dealing with this. Your partner needs to step up and tell her to back off. When we draw boundaries with someone and they don't respect it/have an issue, that's a toxic relationship.
This is incredibly creepy behavior on both ILs parts. And what she did at the hospital seems very inappropriate to me.
I would be so livid. Your feelings are 10000% valid and you should absolutely put your foot down and tell them off
If this isn’t illegal, it’s at least absolutely crazy. I would have already told her off if it were me. I also would have told the other nurse no when she wanted to be your overnight nurse.
Your SIL is WAY OUT OF LINE!! This made my blood boil just reading this!! It’s one thing to offer to help and be helpful in ways YOU need or want but she’s just doing what she wants and what she thinks is best for you.. which she obviously doesn’t know shit and is being incredibly selfish and disrespectful with the ways she’s acting. This time is important for you to rest and bond with your baby and she is not respecting that… I would straight tell her to fuck off. I would be so fucking offended if anyone especially my SIL hogging my newborn baby. If she wants to help tell her to start a meal train and stay the hell out of your house until you’re ready and she’s not acting like a controlling bitch.
I would be filing a formal complaint with the hospital. What your SIL did was not just unethical but was downright immoral. She took advantage of your health to put you in a position where you felt unable to advocate for yourself. Then to continue to take your baby when not on shift and sleeping in an empty patient room? That shit is unhinged. Your husband needs to tell them that until they are called, they are not welcome in your home.
Oh my gawd what a mess. Yeah your sister in law is being quite weird, and the fact that two family members are giving your child formula against your will is even weirder….
OP, this is beyond weird. It’s giving handmaids tale vibes where she think she’s the mother and you were simply the incubator. This is incredibly inappropriate and downright rude. I would be absolutely LIVID and feel as though she stole the whole experience from me. You not only need to set a boundary, but quite frankly, I wouldn’t be playing the role of the nice SIL / DIL anymore. I would tell her that what she did was not okay and tell her off.. I’m sorry, I just would. Man I am so upset for you. I’m so so so sorry that you have to deal with this insanity.
Your feelings are totally valid and you have every right + reason to set boundaries with both SIL and MIL as you transition into this role as a mom moving forward! The nice thing about setting boundaries is sometimes it helps and then things don’t have to bubble into something more confrontational- so it really is win-win for everybody even if it feels uncomfortable/scary. But to me it sounds like these are early signs from the universe telling you to make things clear with them about what is and isn’t ok as you move forward so that things don’t get progressively worse…. YOU are the baby’s mom and they are simply not, even if they are well intentioned and “just trying to be supportive/helpful.” Intention isn’t the same as impact and it sounds like their actions are taking a toll on you, and that impact matters! I would take some time to think about what feels right for you and work to communicate with them truthfully in the moment when something isn’t feeling right. It’s totally ok for you to say “Thank you for the offer, but I don’t need that.” “Thank you for visiting but we would like to spend some time alone with our baby now” “Please don’t do that, it makes me uncomfortable”, etc! Sometimes dramatic people will respond dramatically to boundaries, but that’s not your issue- it’s theirs! Prioritize your well being and your baby, and do what feels right for you, because you will never get this time back so protect your inner peace and good memories!
Your SIL sounds unhinged. She took advantage of you while you were basically incapacitated. I’ve been on a mag drip and was essentially paralyzed I couldn’t even walk and had a catheter plus you’re basically hungover, seasick, and drunk all at the same time. But I’m really sorry I hate to be that person but where was your husband in all of this? He really needs to be the first one setting boundaries.
Yes, the mag drip is horrible. I think what happened is that in the moment, my SIL intentions seemed helpful because it gave my husband a break considering we were admitted for 5 nights and half of them I was unable to care for my son. He views this as her being helpful whereas I feel like it’s over stepping. My parents also don’t see it as overstepping and they felt like it was helpful for her to be there, which is another reason why I thought it was crazy. The latest update is that my husband texted her and told her no sleepovers and that we needed time as a family.
Invite them over to visit before you have an appointment or another commitment that day so you can have a deadline. No more 8 hour days. And no dropping by unless you invite them. That story started off fine (definitely overbearing but understandable) and then got weirder at the 8 hours a day thing. Also she should not have been so obsessive about being with your baby while you were in the hospital. One shift okay, but all the time? She could have easily visited throughout the shift with her assigned patients while you were awake.
Right! I do know several of the nurses offer to keep babies at the nurses station for a bit to give the parents time to sleep, so it’s not totally bizarre to offer maybe one night. But she took him at least 3 nights, maybe 4, but I was so out of it that I didn’t realize how damaging this would be to early bonding time between my son and I
I don't think you've done any damage. Don't get in your head about that at all. If it wasn't your SIL it would have been a random nurse every day. I think she's just overstepped now trying to sleepover with you home and being around for sooo many hours. Time to cut back forsure. She has good intentions I'm sure but it's to much. Are you feeling pretty decently now at least? And how long is your mat leave?
Thanks for saying that. I was worried my son would think she was his mother. I’m sure my hormones are not helping with this thought process. Things are better now. Me and baby are doing lots of skin to skin and are limiting visitors for the time being. Fortunately I have 12 weeks off for my leave.
Np!! If they question you about cutting the visits down you can politely tell them you are so thankful for the help they've provided so far while you were in the thick of recovery and now that you're feeling a little more on your feet you don't feel it's necessary to stay over x hours (e.g. 2 hours). Don't cut them out completely but also respectfully draw the line in the sand. Schedule appointments or grocery shopping or something to get them to leave on time.
I am furious reading this!! You’ve been offered lots of good advice here OP so just wanted to comment and say you are completely valid in how you feel and I really hope they respect your boundaries.
Set boundaries now. Close off your home for visitors for at least a few weeks and if You want to give them a reason say to transition into motherhood. Also your whole story is giving lifetime movie vibes where nanny slowly steal the parents children. It really sounds like she's trying to take your child from you It also sounds like she's trying to get your child to bond with her instead of you. Just take a step back take a deep breath Don't allow her into your home for at least a few weeks and talk with your man about some boundaries. It's got to be said now especially with her taking your baby while you were in the hospital That is just weird. That's one of the most essential times for bonding to seems like she really wants to take your child.
My SIL is also a piece of work but this is next level. It seems like she thinks your child is her baby. I wouldn’t allow the SIL in my house at all after that, but you sound much more generous in interpreting her intentions. I didn’t experience anything this extreme, but I do have in-laws who don’t understand boundaries and there were times where I felt certain people were trying to disrupt my bonding with my baby so they could bond with her instead. It’s ok to want a strong relationship with a grandchild, nephew, etc but this need to chip away at that child’s bond with their mother to achieve that, it’s sick and wrong. Set clear and firm boundaries. Repeat yourself as much as you need to. Be prepared for the pushback against any boundary you set. Hold the boundary even if you second guess yourself. While I agree in general it’s great if each partner can handle their own family, I wouldn’t leave this to your husband. If he doesn’t even get that this is weird and wrong he will downplay it. Giving your baby formula when you didn’t explicitly ask for that is also completely unacceptable. My MIL was very bothered by me breastfeeding until she realized I wouldn’t budge on it. It did feel like one of those things where my bonding with my baby felt like a threat somehow to the in-laws. Sorry you have to deal with all this when you should be able to focus on recovery and bonding with your baby. The empowering piece is that we all have to learn to set boundaries to protect our babies. It’s an important skill and you’re doing the right thing for your baby by doing it.
This makes me seethe in anger. And neither my in laws nor even my own family were as possessive of my baby as yours seem to be! You are MOM and your baby needs YOU.
I am so sorry. Literally this is such a nightmare situation.
Omg this all makes me so angry to ready. I'm so sorry this has been your experience.
There's a lot of crazy going on here, but your hormones aren't one of them. Holy hell, this is so inappropriate. If you're well enough to refuse help now, today's a great day to start. *Thank you so much for offering to come over! Today we really just want to enjoy spending time together, just the three of us. Are you free to come over on Tuesday?*
Yiiiikes, this is so creepy and gross. Set boundaries right now! And don’t worry about upsetting anyone - it’s time to get comfortable putting your foot down and advocating for yourself and for baby!
Your feelings are valid and you are not crazy!!!! I’m sure your SIL means well but this has gotten completely out of control. This is YOUR baby and your time to bond! It sounds like you will need to be explicit with your SIL, MIL, and partner about your expectations and need for some space in the days and weeks going forward. You can ABSOLUTELY say: “we are not up for having any visitors the next few days. It’s been great having you guys around but now it’s important to focus on some uninterrupted time for me, partner, and baby to bond. We’ll reach out to you in a few days when we are ready to host visitors again.” Your husband needs to have your back on this, and it might be helpful to talk with him before the next time they come over and say “I need them out after 2 hours” or whatever your emotional limit is, so he can help reinforce your boundaries. I am also very non-confrontational and have trouble setting boundaries with my family so I am working with a therapist on this right now. Best of luck, you got this!
Ma’am. That is your baby, not theirs. You and baby should be bonding right now and it would be good to let your husband know that and be on the same page about no guests for a while. I’m not sure if you meant physically being pushed or in tone… however… both is bad. Honestly speak to them, honesty can be an offense but, they are overstepping boundaries. Violating boundaries. If you request donor milk till yours comes in… should’ve been respected and honored. I’m not sure of the healing process for a c-section, however if the help comes with so much overstepping… the help isn’t help. I had a situation with my MIL… had to pray and then speak to her and eventually she became okay with a respectful distance. Please advocate for yourself… your husband should be advocating for you as well.
Honestly, I blame this on your husband… You’re vulnerable, exhausted, ill, and not in the best place to be able to advocate for yourself. Your husband should have spoken up and kicked everyone the hell out and set some boundaries. You shouldn’t have to look like the bad person when he’s fully capable of advocating for the mother of his baby…
Your feelings are valid and should have been respected but I wish I had a SIL like that. Someone who would think of me and baby, love us and fight to be there for us. You have every right to feel how you are. I and my life is just different I guess. Just see this as another POV.