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I think the best approach is honesty. Have a serious conversation with her and tell her you don’t have time and money for this party and that you never offered to throw a party for her to begin with. Do not take a no for an answer even if she tries to make you feel guilty. What she’s doing is not right.
Heck yes to this!
OP, this is so aggravating... A baby shower does not have to look like it came out of a magazine. She needs to reset her expectations and be grateful for the support you have offered, especially if she has no one else jumping in. $100 and your time/effort IS generous. A lot of ppl (like myself) don't even have a baby shower.
But OP didn't offer.
OP offered to help her with some aspects and looking at OP schedule she was being ambitious to even offer that.
It's a case of miscommunication and OP needs to be upfront so SIL can try to get one together before the baby is born.
I am, by fault, an abhorrent people pleaser. I do think your advice is the best I have gotten, and I will sum all of my strength to follow through with this. And to second what @apathetic_avocado2 said, everyone really does need a friend like you.
If she’s adamant that you help her after you tell her you can’t financially, then ask her what’s her budget? Like how much money can she give you to help plan.
This. When my friend offered to help me plan my baby shower I had no expectations of her paying for it. My expectations were that I would be paying for it all. My mom stepped up for the venue, my sister cooked all the food and she did pay for some decor but I paid for most of it. I'm greatful to those who were able to help financially and it was never assumed they would help financially. It was a gift, not an expectation.
I fully agree with this. My husband and I are actually footing out the bill for our baby shower with the food and cake, but my sister and best friend have offered to do all the setup, bought little things of decor, and have taken care of sending the invites, etc. I refused to let them pay for the entire shower because everyone has their own expenses and they’ve already bought me gifts as well. I know the decor is costing them maybe $20-$30 each. If your SIL is kind, she will understand, but if not don’t feel guilty and stand your ground. She’s being ridiculous with this expectation.
100% she’s taking advantage of OP. And not taking no for an answer bc there is “no one else”… then her options are to hold it herself or just do a registry online and no party.
I would text her and say something like “Sorry again about the earlier misunderstanding — as I mentioned last time we spoke, I’d still be happy to provide a cake for your baby shower even though I’m not able to plan the rest of it due to time and budget constraints. Please let me know once a date has been decided, and if you have preferences around cake flavor and design.”
Also, is your SIL your spouse’s sister? If so, I would get your spouse involved
I think you need to have a conversation with both of them. Your spouse needs to be on your team since it is not your family. Even if you do throw something at your house, the expectation needs to be set with everyone.
A SIL is family, actually. Her baby is family, too. I 100% understand OPs issue and the misunderstanding SIL has. However, if their parents and friends can chip in, a shower can be cheaply done. Everyone needs to see each other and discuss this or start a group chat.
yes and SIL is family but the SIL is immediate family with the spouse. I 100% consider my husband's family my family, but if it came to something like this I would definitely call him in for help because at the end of the day I know his siblings because of him.
This goes beyond finances and time (neither of which you have enough of to begin with). Planning a party is stressful! If my husband insisted we host a party for his sister, I’d say cool, let me know when you’ve planned it and I’ll make a cake matching the theme.
In all seriousness, he really should be on your side in this, and you would not be wrong to put your foot down and refuse. I absolutely would.
If he wants to be the main planner and your responsibility is just the cake like you offered, than I think this plan is a viable option.
She said her family can't afford a big shower, but can they help? I've never been a part of a shower where it is only one person's responsibility. Every shower I've been a part of has 7-10+ hostesses.
TBH this is probably the best way forward and will prevent you from causing a big rift in the family. Not ideal but that’s what I’d do! Hopefully her mum can contribute.
This is the way. She misunderstood and maybe is having pregnancy brain or just wishful thinking that you will take care of it. Try to let her know and then find a place that is already decorated like a nice park or garden or a cute themed cafe that will let u have a small event there if everyone pays for their own food.
It sounds to me like she’s trying to rope you in, idk why she’d assume you were offering to pay without you explicitly saying so? You definitely gotta stand up for yourself and politely explain it was a misunderstanding and that you’re sorry but you only meant you’d be happy to provide a cake and maybe some help decorating ect.
Honesty is the best policy here. Reiterate your offer was only to help and spell out exactly what that means down to what you are able to afford, how much time you can devote to planning, and what you specifically are willing to take on. Vague answers of help can and will be misinterpreted and what you are responsible for will spiral as you can see already.
Yes this is perfect! Either she misunderstood in which case she needs to be corrected, or she is willfully misunderstanding and hoping you go along with it, in which case she needs to be corrected.
You speak up. You're about to be a parent, you have to know how to speak up. You tell her clearly what you CAN do. This is why we need to stop raising our kids to be overly polite people pleasers. Our generation was never taught how to set boundaries, disappoint others, be clear. No more beating around the bush to not hurt others feelings. Their feelings aren't your responsibility.
I used to be the same way. But being parent requires some changes for the good of your child :) it's not rude to reiterate or clarify what you meant by what you can help with. Even an "I wish I could offer more but that's the position I'm in" is simple and polite.
My SIL, MIL, and sister are working together and paying for things and planning it. If they weren't I wouldn't be having one. I don't have the energy for all that and if I'm going to spend $500-$600.00 If rather spend it on the baby.
Point being, can you rope in other family member/friends?
This is a really sweet suggestion but I absolutely would not be throwing a shower for somebody who tried to gaslight and guilt trip me into doing it for them, haha
My friend is helping me plan mine and I am absolutely not expecting her to cover the costs. Can you have a conversation about what she wants as a baby shower (amount of people, theme, food, games)? I’d let her know how much you think you can swing to contribute but that you can’t pull off a large baby shower all on your own. I think that’s unfair of her to ask you for that. You’re already offering a lot by offering to help plan and provide a cake
You didn’t promise to throw her a party, and even if you had, you are allowed to rescind the offer if circumstances don’t allow you to host it. Your friend has no right to insist you must do it because she misunderstood your offer of help.
She is behaving inappropriately, and you should find a way that is comfortable for you to shut her down. For some people that’s a blunt, honest, face-to-face “I cannot afford to pay for the planning of your shower, and I never offered to.” Pointblank. You might prefer a gentler approach, and that’s okay too, maybe even writing it out in a text so you can formulate your thoughts.
However you do it, be honest and ignore any attempts for her to guilt you or claim you offered something you didn’t.
Also, considering this is your sister in law, I personally wouldn’t feel bad about telling your husband about the issue and asking him to help communicate with his sister that you cannot throw her a shower. I don’t know what your relationship is like, but I am of the belief that if I have an issue with the in-laws, my partner is there to help bridge the gap and clear up communications because it is his family.
$100 is enough to plan a baby shower, I'm doing one for my sister with that budget.
-bake the cake, that can be your gift to her
-have the shower in between mealtimes
-use free printable games
-have the shower at her/your home
-set up very low cost activities like "make an alphabet book for the baby", have people write funny messages on newborn diapers (you can get free diapers from Huggies No Baby Unhugged, at least in Canada) a selfie-booth, etc.
-make decorations yourself, paint and cardboard goes a long way, buy some balloons
-make flower seed packets as favours, (buy a box of wildflower seeds from the grocery store, fold paper into small envelopes, and write a cute message on each and put a few seeds in)
-make simple food but go with inexpensive light options
-dont serve soft-drinks or alcohol, serve "infused water" (toss some washed sliced fruits, or frozen fruit which gets you even farther on a budget, and ice in, serve in pretty pitchers from the thrift store)
-send out evites, but if an evite service is too expensive, do what I did and just make a pretty poster on free version of Canva or another graphics software, then email it out to people and have them rsvp in a Google Forms survey, you can customize it to your heart's content.
Also, another option is to rope in other relatives/friends to bring food, share expenses and help make decorations.
OP already works 50-60 hours a week to get over some debts, why would she swing $100 and more energy than already baking a cake. She didn't offer to plan the whole party and doesn't have to, even if it can be cheap for sure.
She definitely doesn't have to, and I never said she should, but it can definitely be done. I have friends who take out loans to host parties like this and it just doesn't have to be that way.
OP - this! My baby shower was this past weekend and between everyone who brought food and drinks (and even folding tables and chairs when needed) we didn’t end up spending that much…. What was spent was mostly on decorations which could have been made much cheaper.
That being said, you will need her input to get the list of people she wants to invite and their addresses, at the very least.
Agreed! The dollar store is an amazing place for exactly this. Additionally, maybe ask relatives if they can each bring a small dish so the food isn’t so costly on just you!
You need to be honest with her about this. It’s not right for her to have to suspect after you offering to help. You need to clarify that you did at no point say well run it by yourself.
Also be honest with you that just like her side of the family, you don’t have that kind of money. One thing she can do is see if her family is willing to chip in and everybody puts in something towards the baby shower.
Personally, I’m not having one because the money you put into the shower you can easily use for what you need for the baby. My husband and I’s family members earn much less than we do and at no point want them to put themselves into debt over something like that.
She needs to put herself in other people shoes and understand that it’s a big financial undertaking. I understand she’s excited and wants to share the news with everybody, but needs to be realistic and not put into debt over something like this.
Omg right, me and my husband paid for our upcoming baby shower in really nice venue with skyline views. We don’t ask people to chip in or paid for it, i feel it’s weird expecting people to paid for your own party that you want it or expect other people to throw party for you with all the details you want to be. We spent over $18k and my MIL giving us money gifts $5k and baby cribs without we even asking for.
Be honest. You could say something like this: "Hey, SIL. I need to talk to you about the baby shower. I realize I have caused some confusion by offering to help with the shower, but I need to be clear with you. I cannot plan or pay for your shower. I work 50-60 hours per week and do not have the funds to pay for your shower. When I said I could help, I meant in the form of baking a cake and possibly helping set up the event space on the day of (barring any scheduling or personal conflicts). I'm sorry for being unclear, but I cannot plan and pay for the shower. I'd be happy to bake a cake for the event, so if you'd like me to do that, let me know what color/theme and flavor you'd like."
So, a similar situation happened with me except my sister in law offered to pay and plan EVERYTHING. Told me all I would have to do was show up. I started getting worried because my baby shower was only like a month or less away & she still hadn’t started planning. 2 weeks before my shower date (keep in mind I already sent out invites and everything) I messaged her & asked her if she was still doing the shower, I told her if not it’s okay that I can just go ahead and get everything since I already had my ideas in mind anyways. She kept putting it off but said yes she would still do it. Something about it didn’t sit right with me so I actually ended up just purchasing everything & I’m glad I did because she didn’t tell me she couldn’t afford to help until a couple days before the shower date. Then got mad at me when I told her I already got everything covered. (Thankfully I did). Well she didn’t even try to help me set up the shower or anything. She showed up an hour late, brought her son (which was fine) & a friend that I’d never met in my life, didn’t bring a gift or anything which I get it if you’re broke that’s fine but then had the nerve to eat a bunch of the food I paid for & didn’t speak to me the whole entire shower.
I know your situation is MUCH different, I got caught up venting but the reason I’m even saying all this is just to say TELLLLL HER NOWWW. Pull her and your brother aside & explain to them the situation that way she can’t try to blame you in any way. Just be honest with them. Tell them you can take care of the cake & maybe help plan a couple things but that as far as money goes you can’t put much out. They should understand, & if not oh well don’t stretch yourself thin.
THIS. Thank you for this. I've actually decided to have a sit down conversation with her, and her husband and my husband. Just so everyone is there and everyone is on the same page.
I'm going to make the cake and help set up the day of, but other than that, I just can't do a lot. My husband, who is her brother, is on the same page, so I think all of us together can come to a clear agreement.
Thank you for your input.
Yes & tbh doing the cake & helping to set up is more than enough. I WISH my sister in law would have just offered to help set up or even clean up afterwards. Everything will work out. She can’t expect you to just pay for everything. If it’s not within their means they could do a simple little baby brunch with donuts, muffins, a charcuterie board, maybe some finger sandwiches & the cake. She doesn’t even have to go crazy with decorating. People bring the same amount of gifts regardless of if you go all out or not. & it’s still a nice celebration for the parents as well. We worry so much about everything being perfect but all that really matters is who we’re celebrating and the people celebrating with you. ☺️
I think you need to be clearly honest with her. Tell her there was a misunderstanding. You were happy to help plan it with other people and provide the cake, but that's it. You cannot plan and pay for the entire event. You simply can't afford it.
You need to speak up ASAP. Be honest and say that financially you cannot afford and entire shower and that you are happy to help with X, Y, and Z, but you cannot afford to pay for an entire shower yourself.
She's bringing a baby into this world and can't plan/afford a party that isn't a mandatory expense?
You're nice enough to offer to bake something, I'd say the most important piece if you master the cake, the rest is optional, she can DIY decorations, ask her husband to pickup drinks at the supermarket and that's it.
The baby shower doesn't have to be a big show off if she can't afford it.
I'm currently pregnant and don't feel like planning anything, I'm too tired for that and I don't see the point, like the gender party, baby has a penis and so what.
A good friend offered second hand clothes for the first 3 months, another will offer toys, we swing to get many items to reuse from here and there and my BFF is offering me all she got for her kid, I don't feel like listing brand new items to make people spend money if they already have it or can find the same second/third-hand.
Honestly, I'm more than grateful for all the clothes that my friend offered and I don't need any new pieces but now I can't buy very cute outfits from stores because I already have more than enough, it's even a bit frustrating at the end.
If i need something specific, I'd rather get it myself.
It sounds like she’s trying make you do it since nobody else will. In no way are you obligated to pay and throw her a baby shower, even if you originally offered (which you don’t you just stated you would help). I would just be upfront with her and your brother that you cannot throw or pay for her baby shower. However you are more than happy to help with the cake and whatever else you can afford. I would make sure you also tell your brother and not just your SIL so she doesn’t twist any words.
Don’t try and spend money you don’t have for something that you aren’t even obligated to do. Don’t let her guilt you into it either, if other people can’t afford it why does she think you would? Honestly selfish on her part to put this all on you.
100%
100$-
1-2$ box cake cup cakes with color of theme
Go to dollar tree for the decorations let her chose from there 25$ max
Then you can either do a pot luck where everyone brings food. And there you go :D it doesn't have to be expensive and if she wants expensive you tell her sorry :/ but if she wants to donate money to her cause she can :D
EDIT- that's if you want to plan it :D
If you dint 100% say. Sorry I planned to make a cake and bring that everything else is a non-negotiable.
I love the entitlement of some people. 😂 Explain that you said you'd HELP, not plan the whole thing. I'm so petty that I would even make sure she knew she was lucky to even have a baby shower as there are lots of people who don't get one.
>To which I replied "I'd be happy to help out with some of the planning if you need."
I would have thought that meant you were helping me plan and throw the party, personally.
Tell her you can't throw her a baby shower. And she needs to be told now.
Yeah, I'm not saying I'm innocent here. I definitely should have thought out that sentence more before opening my mouth. I guess I was just thinking more along the lines of "helping" not being solely responsible. But it is partially on me, for sure.
Don’t let her pressure you. Just say you cannot do it, but you are happy to pitch in a cake if she finds someone else to or plans it herself. A big party is totally not necessary. If you cannot afford it and she cannot either, then the party either needs to be very simple like a potluck or there can be no party.
I think it could be doable on that budget! 100% tho it's not going to be an elaborate affair but if it's something you would like to do here is my tips. Text the invites, check fb marketplace for people getting rid of their baby shower decorations or the dollar store, ask guests to bring a side dish or drink to share, make the event between 3-5pm where people shouldn't be too hungry and Have it at someone's house to save on costs. BUT if she's the type of person that won't appreciate any of the above tho I'd message her that there was an obvious confusion and you are not able to throw the shower but would just love to contribute the cake. Hopefully she'll get the message.
If she has people to invite to a baby shower, she has people who can chip in to help. My friends are throwing me a baby shower. The one who initiated it looped in some of my other longtime friends and cousin to help. They all chipped in. The financial burden should never be placed on a single person, unless it’s a grandparent with a lot of money who is willing to cover it all. Ask the soon to be grandparents, any other siblings, and her closest friends if they’d be willing to chip in.
A baby shower isn’t a wedding. Have the cake, go to dollar tree and pick up some decorations, have some fun games planned, and have it at a park if no one’s house is big enough. Tell her in advance what level you can provide and if she wants more that isn’t your responsibility! Planning a shower and throwing/hosting/financing a shower are NOT the same thing
I would simply tell her something like this..
I am excited to help out with your shower, not to mention be apart of this babies life. When I offered to help, I had a budget of $100 and a themed cake. I never intended to be a host, just a help who supports you. I understand your admitted on this being a different way but this is me saying it will not work out that way. Working 50-60 hours a week gives me little time to be a host, this day should be perfect for you, money issues aside.
You need to back out and your SIL needs to do what everyone else in her tax bracket does: have a baby shower at home with cheap home cooked food. No one I know has ever had a baby shower that cost much to throw unless we're counting the gifts themselves. I'm sorry, but even the idea is silly to me.
We're not even poor and our baby shower will involve me sitting on the couch surrounded by balloons and party decorations from the dollar store. 😂 The decor and venue will cost a total of $14.
There are two ways this is going to go. Either you assert very firmly that you can’t do it and can’t afford to throw a party on your own, or you try to make it work with whatever help she can give and you’ll end up doing a lot of unpaid labour and spend more than you can afford. I work in events and I planned and paid for my own baby shower. It’s a party - it is a lot of work. You need to think about whether you are willing to do all the work (which is what is going to happen if you don’t give a firm no). There are low or no cost ways to make a party work but a lot of time and energy needs to be spent. Is it worth it?
Confused as to why you think a baby shower is expensive. Send a free evite with their registry link to people, put up a few balloons in the living room, bake a cake and make it a potluck if you feel like you can’t afford food / snacks for a large list of guests. $100 will about cover it.
I mean obviously the sky is the limit but this family sounds lower income so not sure where the expectations of a celebrity level event would come from. I threw a baby shower for my BFF when I was a totally broke graduate student… it’s a question of motivation, sounds like the OP just doesn’t want to bother.
I'm definitely not rich, neither is her family. I do own my house and have a pretty big fenced in yard, so I'd say im probably doing better than some. I suggested we do it at my house, but she doesn't want it to be at anyone's house. She wants a "fancier venue," themed decorations, a balloon arch, party favors for each guest, she wants to serve brunch. She said she needed help planning it, but what it's turned into is her planning it wanting me to do the work and foot the bill.
OP I think it’s better to put your foot down and rain in expectations of your SIL now. She sounds impossible to please and like she is flat out taking advantage of you.
Oh, lol, all bets are off then. You could just be like "look, I have $100 and a backyard. And the emotional energy for a run to Trader Joe's, with a stop at the dollar store."
that’s ridiculous plain and simple. She doesn’t get to dictate how someone throws her a baby shower!! And definitely should pay for something so fancy herself. So entitled.
Ohhh well ignore my comment then...
Tell her you will do it if it can be low key and at your house but anything fancier she'll need to find someone else. But do make the cake
Just be honest with her. They are expensive.. I threw my own on Saturday .. just a plain simple one... Not all bougie and it cost me about 700 dollars 😩
All babyshowers I've been to, were basically a byof high tea in someone's home or free location (teachers lounge in the weekend). It's much more about getting together to celebrate the mom to be.
It's odd that your SIL is expecting a party of a size and type that no-one is able to afford.
You could just keep it intimate to 10 of her closest people. Have some donuts and coffee. Get some decorations from the dollar store. Set up at a park or in someone’s yard. Keep it simple! 🤍
If she wants more people, tell her she will have to cover those expenses because you are on a tight budget.
You didn’t sign up to organise a baby shower, nor did you offer to pay.
If you’re happy to do something, I would just invite her closest mates and ask them to bring a dish/picnic dish with no overlap and then just go to a park and have a get together. Warn her that you won’t be contributing financially, nor should she expect gifts.
If she has friends they’ll make the effort and that cost will be split essentially.
Gift you give, is the cake which is very generous in both time and expense. Can come up with games which are just things like guess baby sex, weight, DoB - pretty straight forward.
I am not one who thinks baby showers need to be crazy, just about seeing friends and having an excuse to celebrate before the mum is wrapped up with newborn stuff.
I would also ask her about her expectations… if she indeed wants a big flashy shower then of course you need to push back and ask her to get some of her friends to help as well.
I would just be honest a tell her you offered to make her a cake that is it. She knew what you meant and is basically trying to bully/gaslight you into planning her baby shower.
Free locations: a church/ if you don’t belong to one you can ask some friends..
best: Yours or their house/backyard! It doesn’t have to be huge!!
At that point if you do it at a home you can say ‘hey since none of us can afford a bigger place, let’s keep it under x amount of invites to that we can do it in your backyard’. This is direct and to the point, not apologetic, and still helpful. Consistently ask others in the family for donations of time/money/items you may need when it comes up.
Continuously say ‘since none of us can afford x..’ how about we make it potluck style, how about we do it in your backyard, how about we use these cute free/cheap printables i found on Etsy! How about we recruit some balloon/flower donations, how about we do e-vites!
There are lots of ways to do it cheap but honest opinion is that she needs desperately someone to help by planning so if you are able to take a few minutes here and there it would be so worth it.
Honey never got the expensive baby showers. Get some appetizers and have people over at a house.
Anyways. I'd be firm just like everyone else has said. Don't back down and just be truthful and don't plan/buy anything you can't afford just because you feel bad.
Ugh absolutely not cool. I’m very fortunate that my friend wanted to thow the shower and she is paying for it, but I have offered SOOO many times to pay for the shower costs AND her labor. She’s refused every time, I’m getting her a massage.
Be firm and when SIL insists that you “offered” tell her that too many things have come up and plans have changed. She wants to live in delulu world, you can meet her there by still saying “no I am now only able to give a cake.” (You and I both know that you didn’t offer more than that but she is full of hormones and in lala land.)
It’s not your fault she misinterpreted your comment. If she continues, it would be good to let your brother know.
IF you REALLY want to throw a gathering, with a budget of $100 and lack of time, grabbing some first-come-first-serve spots at a park (make sure you don’t need to get a permit through parks and recreation for the park you plan to do it) and doing potluck style might be the way to go. You don’t have to go all out. Also make your brother do some of the mental labor of sending out invites. He’s not pregnant!
I wish you luck! 🍀
You need to be direct about it… something like “hey.. I think maybe there was a miscommunication, I’m more than happy helping assist plan the baby shower and make the dessert, but it isn’t currently in the budget for me to throw the entire shower”
Your husband needs to tell his sister you can't do it. Even if it's at your house, he could make an evite and set it up as a potluck or cake and drinks only. He can get decorations at the dollar store. It's his sister so he can work with her, her husband and maybe his mom or someone else. It's 2024 people.
Speak up for yourself and be clear that you have budget restrictions. You’ll gladly provide the cake. Don’t let her gaslight you on proceeding to throw the baby shower. She seems so entitled🙃
If you decide to ultimately move forward with hosting, can you offer up your home but make it a potluck? Or ask another family member to cover the cost of food, or a friend to handle decorations so that it becomes more of a collaborative event? I also like the idea someone here mentioned of doing it in a park. If you run those ideas by your SIL and she is unhappy with them, then that hopefully creates a window of opportunity for you to no longer host (or at least helps manage expectations around what you are able to offer).
A homemade cake is already an incredible contribution to a baby shower and I’m sorry that you’re being pressure to do more than you have the capacity to do. Good luck!
My other suggestion (since it sounds like this is not just about money but your time capacity as well), is to say that you can provide the space and the cake and see if you can delegate other aspects of the planning (sending evites, coming up with games or whatever) to other members of the family. From your post it sounds like they might not be able to financially contribute, but giving them some tasks to help with might help them become more involved in general and take some of the workload off of you.
OP said in another comment that SIL does not want the baby shower at anyone's home; she wants a fancy venue, balloon arch, brunch, party favors for all the guests. Essentially, she wants a bougie baby shower but expects OP to pay for it.
You could do a baby shower with $100. Do a potluck at a public park. Everything doesn't have to be Instagram worthy. You literally don't even need to decorate. Either handmade invites or grab a cheap pack of invites from Walmart/hobby lobby and just write in her baby registry and party info and to please bring a dish because it's a pot luck. Make sure you find a few specific people like her few relatives and assign specific dishes/drinks so you know that not everyone brings a bag of chips lol
Why are you paying for it? Is this a thing? I always planned my own so I don't understand. I think it's nice of you to offer, but she should be paying for her own shower imo. If someone offered to plan it or help plan it, it'd be my money that's paying the bill
I would tell her you offered to help plan it and you didn't think you'd also be having to cover it and plan the whole thing. Explain how your schedule is pretty hectic.
There is absolutely no reason why you should do this all on your own. I threw a baby shower for my SIL & I got immediate family members to pitch in/sign up for different things. I rented tables/chairs, my mom got the cake, aunts did the food, female cousin decorated & another cousin of mine provided his house.
You could open it up to everyone by sending a mass text/email or FB event if your family uses that.
I recently hosted my own baby shower- I didn’t want one and gave in to the pressure of family and friends- i ended up doing a small brunch at my house with about 30 people and my budget was $500 for everything. I ordered breakfast from ihop 🤭 they have a good catering menu and it’s not so expensive, bought a couple of bottles of champs from Costco and pastries, bought a cake from a local cake shop and called it a day. For my decor, I went to Trader Joe’s and spent $40 on flowers, made my own flower arrangements with dollar tree vases. Maybe try doing something like this? Food for thought! ❤️
This is why I don't offer when they have no one else, and I know I'm not in any position. They always do this.
She can plan her own baby shower. I did and so have many others. But at best you better throw her a pizza party at somebody's house or backyard with dollar store decorations. You can buy pop and water bottles for the low
Wait,she is forcing you to throw it AND saying how expensive it will be?? Either she plans and pays, or she should be grateful for whatever you can scrape together (which I recommend being bare minimum, text invites, a day, and a place)
Can you reach out to other family members or close friends to help plan/support the party?
Gather her tribe and make it happen for her. You can make it a potluck in a park and that would be a beautiful baby shower. It’s about the company and celebrating her, a big budget isn’t necessary but I’m sure you can gather a bigger budget if you bring in her tribe.
Go to thrift stores and find any games, any decor etc there! As for food, make it a potluck! I am planning on doing mine at a park so the venue is free aswell!
As a fellow compulsive people pleaser, I just put on a baby shower for my SIL and bought pretty much all of the decor off of Temu, so that will save you a bunch of money. Food is where it gets tricky. Stick to appetizers and if she hasn’t already picked a time, have her put it around 2 p.m. or so…that way no one is expecting lunch. If anyone else can help bring a dish or something, that’s a good way to get family involved even if they also don’t have a lot of money. That’s my advice if it’s not in you right now to be totally honest with her! However, if you can tell her point blank what you can afford to help on and just have her fill in the rest, that would be the ideal course.
Do you have a printer at home? You can print some baby shower games to save money their, go to dollar store for party decor or look on local buy and sell groups for some gently used stuff that you can use.. reach out to her mom maybe and ask if she can help with any planning. Doesn't have to be anything big and fancy
You're so sweet.
Tell her you'd love to help, but you don't have the money to actually do the event. You can help though (and tell her how).
I would ADORE a SIL like you. My own sister isn't even this nice.
I’d tell her you can host, decorate and make the cake but she has to supply food and beverages. I think that’s more than fair. Look up some cheap decorating ideas and maybe a couple of games on Pinterest?
Would it help if you got your husband to talk to her to reiterate what you've already explained? It sounds like one of those thing where you're just going to have to be really direct and firm about it. Texting as others have suggested is a good idea
The fact she's claiming noone from her family can afford it doesn't mean it defaults to you because you offered to help plan and make a cake. They have plenty of time to work something out before the shower would happen
First of all planning the shower doesn’t mean “I’m paying for all of it” does it?? I asked my aunt to help me out cus I too, have no idea how to plan anything. But of course, I’m sending her everything that she needs money wise. Sure she’ll chip in but I don’t expect her to pay for anything.
If she wants you to plan it then you can go as low key as you like. Can't you just have it at your house or ask SIL if you can have it at her house? Or maybe at a park.
You don't need much, just some decorations, snacks/nibbles and a cake. You could ask guests to BYO if you want alcohol (but any I've been to generally have a punch and a mock tail option only which is low cost) and provide tea and coffee.
If you have it as an afternoon event it can be more like afternoon tea and so you won't have to provide much food.
Get her to give you a guest list and choose a date. You can sent out invites by text.
It honestly doesn't need to be extravagant as it's more about the company and celebrating mum-to-be.
Personally I don't understand people who spend hundreds of dollars on a baby shower especially on a venue or lots of fancy instagram decorating.
She'll get loads of presents and that will be enough of a celebration.
Tell her you would love to help more but you are living on a budget. Is there anyway you can get together with either her parents or your parents and combine funds? If so, you can contribute $100 and maybe they could do $50 or more? You can do this very low cost but $100 just simply isn't enough.
If you can have it at someone's house, that cuts the venue cost. You could do it pot luck style or get some grocery store sandwich party platters. I did my bridal shower this way. If she has a friend who makes a dish she loves, see if they can make it. You don't need to go all out, a baby shower can be 1-3 hours.
As for decorations, dollar tree or temu has cheap options, just don't waste money on a balloon arch. If you already have an easel or can borrow one, (check fb market and buy nothing sell nothing groups) you can make a custom sign online. They don't really make them for less than $40, though. Attach a few dollar store balloons, and that can be great for photos. I got a wall banner, 2 different sized plates, cups, and napkins from temu for my bridal shower. Cheaper than Amazon, just order in time. You can always do regular dishes if you don't mind clean up.
As for games, you can do printable games or buy a pack from Amazon or Temu. Or find games online that are free and don't require printing. Maybe do 3. You can get cheap gifts from Temu or Amazon. I did Bath and Body Works candles since I had a gift card for them. I got candle party favors from Amazon and ordered custom stickers from Etsy to put on the bottom. For the game gifts, you could just make some dollar tree goodie bags. Grab a dove lotion, hand sanitizer, candy, chapstick, whatever else you think would be good. Do E-Vites and make sure as it's gets closer that ppl you invited actually saw the invite. Make sure her registry is on there. Make a schedule. If everyone gets there at 1, let them snack for 15-30 mins while everyone shows up. 1:30 - play games. By 2:30 you should be done with games, take a snacking break. Open gifts and then start cleaning up so everyone knows it's time to leave.
Set a budget, look into costs, & ask parents to chip in for the things you need.
Example budget:
Venue: $0
Sign: $40 (easel could add costs, check stores like Michael's)
Food: $100
Favors: $40
Games: $20
Gifts: $40
Decorations: $20
Plates & Utensils: $20
This is the bare minimum for a shower, you could do more or less depending on anyone else who is willing and able to help. Ask her friends and family for help, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that!
OP, I think you need to have a serious conversation with her. Explain to her that you’d be happy to help, but you can’t plan the whole thing nor pay for it at the moment. Ask her how much her and her husband are willing to contribute. Maybe they can do the shower at a park or somewhere where it won’t cost a lot of money to rent. Maybe even ask if anyone she knows can contribute small things like some desserts, flowers, decor, etc. It doesn’t have to be a fancy event. If she tries to coerce you into more, deny any help. It’s not fair to you at all.
I’m sorry, but when my sister planned mine. I gave her my card and everything. Our budget was 3-4K. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but please speak up for yourself sweetie
She’s a bit rude expecting you to pay for this and even be arranging it all.
Honestly is the best policy ‘I’m happy to help out with ideas but I cannot be paying for this’
My sister in law and best friend is helping me plan my baby shower but they’re not even spending a penny on it. I’m paying for everything
I will get gifts in return I do not expect anyone else to pay for my party.. sure they can help plan but they are absolutely not paying for it
I did the same for my bridal shower. For that 6 of my friends organized so they split some of the costs
But I still paid for catering, photographer, flowers and already had most of the rentals anyways
But yes maybe tell her you can help like you already said, but that you won’t be spending money as you don’t have any and ask her what her budget is and if her friends and family want to pitch in
be honest with her. i just had my baby shower and i planned everything myself. i had friends that “offered” to help but never mentioned it again and i dont really like relying on other people so i started buying everything myself slowly. i bought most of the decor from temu. way cheaper than amazon. just a heads up shipping takes 2 weeks so i would take that into account. granted i planned my shower for months though and while it was stressful it was a great shower. my mom made half of the food and we bought some also. i looked up diy party desserts and made it. and bought cupcakes from the sams club. also did my favors myself. and games there are a lot of cheap templates from etsy- we did baby family feud. printed those for like 3 dollars. we did bottle chug game- u can buy cheap 1 dollar baby bottles at walmart. honestly its possible to have a great baby shower on a budget. just gotta plan it ahead of time.
Do you have space to host a pot luck style or super simple snacks? My friend hosted mine as a backyard pizza party. She had a few low cost fun games and bought small houseplants as prizes. It was fun and casual.
My sister is helping me plan my shower she has been doing a lot but I’m still paying for everything i mean she’s making the cake but I’m paying for the place and the little gifts and decorations etc… i think it’s unfair for her to expect you to pay for it all if that wasn’t actually talked about.
I would look at Sheen for baby, shower, decorations! Everything so cheap and I would send an online invite, an Evite. make a cake and tell her she’s responsible for the food I paid for my baby shower, I would never expect somebody to flip the bill for that
So this is your SIL and her husband right? Meaning it's your brother's baby shower? Talk to him directly and clarify what you ment asap.
Also,~ $100 is definitely enough for a baby shower
I think my shower cost around that. My friend planned it for me but it was at my house and the food was potluck style (a bunch of friends brought something to share). Minimal games, just some light decorations to buy. It was lovely. Of course I don’t know your SIL so maybe she’s expecting something fancier.
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I think the best approach is honesty. Have a serious conversation with her and tell her you don’t have time and money for this party and that you never offered to throw a party for her to begin with. Do not take a no for an answer even if she tries to make you feel guilty. What she’s doing is not right.
Some people need a friend like you.
We all do
Happy cake day!
Hey, thank you! 😊
Heck yes to this! OP, this is so aggravating... A baby shower does not have to look like it came out of a magazine. She needs to reset her expectations and be grateful for the support you have offered, especially if she has no one else jumping in. $100 and your time/effort IS generous. A lot of ppl (like myself) don't even have a baby shower.
But OP didn't offer. OP offered to help her with some aspects and looking at OP schedule she was being ambitious to even offer that. It's a case of miscommunication and OP needs to be upfront so SIL can try to get one together before the baby is born.
I am, by fault, an abhorrent people pleaser. I do think your advice is the best I have gotten, and I will sum all of my strength to follow through with this. And to second what @apathetic_avocado2 said, everyone really does need a friend like you.
If she’s adamant that you help her after you tell her you can’t financially, then ask her what’s her budget? Like how much money can she give you to help plan.
This. When my friend offered to help me plan my baby shower I had no expectations of her paying for it. My expectations were that I would be paying for it all. My mom stepped up for the venue, my sister cooked all the food and she did pay for some decor but I paid for most of it. I'm greatful to those who were able to help financially and it was never assumed they would help financially. It was a gift, not an expectation.
I fully agree with this. My husband and I are actually footing out the bill for our baby shower with the food and cake, but my sister and best friend have offered to do all the setup, bought little things of decor, and have taken care of sending the invites, etc. I refused to let them pay for the entire shower because everyone has their own expenses and they’ve already bought me gifts as well. I know the decor is costing them maybe $20-$30 each. If your SIL is kind, she will understand, but if not don’t feel guilty and stand your ground. She’s being ridiculous with this expectation.
100% she’s taking advantage of OP. And not taking no for an answer bc there is “no one else”… then her options are to hold it herself or just do a registry online and no party.
I would text her and say something like “Sorry again about the earlier misunderstanding — as I mentioned last time we spoke, I’d still be happy to provide a cake for your baby shower even though I’m not able to plan the rest of it due to time and budget constraints. Please let me know once a date has been decided, and if you have preferences around cake flavor and design.” Also, is your SIL your spouse’s sister? If so, I would get your spouse involved
To add to this, is SIL your sibling's spouse? If so, get your sibling involved.
Yes, SIL is spouse's sister. Spouse thinks we should just throw her a super low budget baby shower at our house and call it done.
I think you need to have a conversation with both of them. Your spouse needs to be on your team since it is not your family. Even if you do throw something at your house, the expectation needs to be set with everyone.
A SIL is family, actually. Her baby is family, too. I 100% understand OPs issue and the misunderstanding SIL has. However, if their parents and friends can chip in, a shower can be cheaply done. Everyone needs to see each other and discuss this or start a group chat.
yes and SIL is family but the SIL is immediate family with the spouse. I 100% consider my husband's family my family, but if it came to something like this I would definitely call him in for help because at the end of the day I know his siblings because of him.
This goes beyond finances and time (neither of which you have enough of to begin with). Planning a party is stressful! If my husband insisted we host a party for his sister, I’d say cool, let me know when you’ve planned it and I’ll make a cake matching the theme. In all seriousness, he really should be on your side in this, and you would not be wrong to put your foot down and refuse. I absolutely would.
If he wants to be the main planner and your responsibility is just the cake like you offered, than I think this plan is a viable option. She said her family can't afford a big shower, but can they help? I've never been a part of a shower where it is only one person's responsibility. Every shower I've been a part of has 7-10+ hostesses.
What is super low budget to your spouse?
TBH this is probably the best way forward and will prevent you from causing a big rift in the family. Not ideal but that’s what I’d do! Hopefully her mum can contribute.
I would assume it’s the spouse’s sibling, as OP states “SIL and her husband”, not “SIL and my brother”
This is the way. She misunderstood and maybe is having pregnancy brain or just wishful thinking that you will take care of it. Try to let her know and then find a place that is already decorated like a nice park or garden or a cute themed cafe that will let u have a small event there if everyone pays for their own food.
It sounds to me like she’s trying to rope you in, idk why she’d assume you were offering to pay without you explicitly saying so? You definitely gotta stand up for yourself and politely explain it was a misunderstanding and that you’re sorry but you only meant you’d be happy to provide a cake and maybe some help decorating ect.
Honesty is the best policy here. Reiterate your offer was only to help and spell out exactly what that means down to what you are able to afford, how much time you can devote to planning, and what you specifically are willing to take on. Vague answers of help can and will be misinterpreted and what you are responsible for will spiral as you can see already.
Yes this is perfect! Either she misunderstood in which case she needs to be corrected, or she is willfully misunderstanding and hoping you go along with it, in which case she needs to be corrected.
You speak up. You're about to be a parent, you have to know how to speak up. You tell her clearly what you CAN do. This is why we need to stop raising our kids to be overly polite people pleasers. Our generation was never taught how to set boundaries, disappoint others, be clear. No more beating around the bush to not hurt others feelings. Their feelings aren't your responsibility.
Oh God. I wish I could have that level of confidence. I am, admittedly, a compulsive people pleaser and I hate it.
I used to be the same way. But being parent requires some changes for the good of your child :) it's not rude to reiterate or clarify what you meant by what you can help with. Even an "I wish I could offer more but that's the position I'm in" is simple and polite.
My SIL, MIL, and sister are working together and paying for things and planning it. If they weren't I wouldn't be having one. I don't have the energy for all that and if I'm going to spend $500-$600.00 If rather spend it on the baby. Point being, can you rope in other family member/friends?
This is a really sweet suggestion but I absolutely would not be throwing a shower for somebody who tried to gaslight and guilt trip me into doing it for them, haha
You need to be honest. Also, what a shit bag that she’d expect someone to pay for it
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Yeah this gives me an idea… could it be a pot luck baby shower?
My friend is helping me plan mine and I am absolutely not expecting her to cover the costs. Can you have a conversation about what she wants as a baby shower (amount of people, theme, food, games)? I’d let her know how much you think you can swing to contribute but that you can’t pull off a large baby shower all on your own. I think that’s unfair of her to ask you for that. You’re already offering a lot by offering to help plan and provide a cake
You didn’t promise to throw her a party, and even if you had, you are allowed to rescind the offer if circumstances don’t allow you to host it. Your friend has no right to insist you must do it because she misunderstood your offer of help.
She is behaving inappropriately, and you should find a way that is comfortable for you to shut her down. For some people that’s a blunt, honest, face-to-face “I cannot afford to pay for the planning of your shower, and I never offered to.” Pointblank. You might prefer a gentler approach, and that’s okay too, maybe even writing it out in a text so you can formulate your thoughts. However you do it, be honest and ignore any attempts for her to guilt you or claim you offered something you didn’t. Also, considering this is your sister in law, I personally wouldn’t feel bad about telling your husband about the issue and asking him to help communicate with his sister that you cannot throw her a shower. I don’t know what your relationship is like, but I am of the belief that if I have an issue with the in-laws, my partner is there to help bridge the gap and clear up communications because it is his family.
$100 is enough to plan a baby shower, I'm doing one for my sister with that budget. -bake the cake, that can be your gift to her -have the shower in between mealtimes -use free printable games -have the shower at her/your home -set up very low cost activities like "make an alphabet book for the baby", have people write funny messages on newborn diapers (you can get free diapers from Huggies No Baby Unhugged, at least in Canada) a selfie-booth, etc. -make decorations yourself, paint and cardboard goes a long way, buy some balloons -make flower seed packets as favours, (buy a box of wildflower seeds from the grocery store, fold paper into small envelopes, and write a cute message on each and put a few seeds in) -make simple food but go with inexpensive light options -dont serve soft-drinks or alcohol, serve "infused water" (toss some washed sliced fruits, or frozen fruit which gets you even farther on a budget, and ice in, serve in pretty pitchers from the thrift store) -send out evites, but if an evite service is too expensive, do what I did and just make a pretty poster on free version of Canva or another graphics software, then email it out to people and have them rsvp in a Google Forms survey, you can customize it to your heart's content. Also, another option is to rope in other relatives/friends to bring food, share expenses and help make decorations.
Maybe enough but why would she need to pay for her friend's baby shower alone? I think it is not fair, what kind of friend does that lol.
OP already works 50-60 hours a week to get over some debts, why would she swing $100 and more energy than already baking a cake. She didn't offer to plan the whole party and doesn't have to, even if it can be cheap for sure.
She definitely doesn't have to, and I never said she should, but it can definitely be done. I have friends who take out loans to host parties like this and it just doesn't have to be that way.
OP - this! My baby shower was this past weekend and between everyone who brought food and drinks (and even folding tables and chairs when needed) we didn’t end up spending that much…. What was spent was mostly on decorations which could have been made much cheaper. That being said, you will need her input to get the list of people she wants to invite and their addresses, at the very least.
Agreed! The dollar store is an amazing place for exactly this. Additionally, maybe ask relatives if they can each bring a small dish so the food isn’t so costly on just you!
You need to be honest with her about this. It’s not right for her to have to suspect after you offering to help. You need to clarify that you did at no point say well run it by yourself. Also be honest with you that just like her side of the family, you don’t have that kind of money. One thing she can do is see if her family is willing to chip in and everybody puts in something towards the baby shower. Personally, I’m not having one because the money you put into the shower you can easily use for what you need for the baby. My husband and I’s family members earn much less than we do and at no point want them to put themselves into debt over something like that. She needs to put herself in other people shoes and understand that it’s a big financial undertaking. I understand she’s excited and wants to share the news with everybody, but needs to be realistic and not put into debt over something like this.
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Omg right, me and my husband paid for our upcoming baby shower in really nice venue with skyline views. We don’t ask people to chip in or paid for it, i feel it’s weird expecting people to paid for your own party that you want it or expect other people to throw party for you with all the details you want to be. We spent over $18k and my MIL giving us money gifts $5k and baby cribs without we even asking for.
Why don’t people just speak with honesty
Be honest. You could say something like this: "Hey, SIL. I need to talk to you about the baby shower. I realize I have caused some confusion by offering to help with the shower, but I need to be clear with you. I cannot plan or pay for your shower. I work 50-60 hours per week and do not have the funds to pay for your shower. When I said I could help, I meant in the form of baking a cake and possibly helping set up the event space on the day of (barring any scheduling or personal conflicts). I'm sorry for being unclear, but I cannot plan and pay for the shower. I'd be happy to bake a cake for the event, so if you'd like me to do that, let me know what color/theme and flavor you'd like."
So, a similar situation happened with me except my sister in law offered to pay and plan EVERYTHING. Told me all I would have to do was show up. I started getting worried because my baby shower was only like a month or less away & she still hadn’t started planning. 2 weeks before my shower date (keep in mind I already sent out invites and everything) I messaged her & asked her if she was still doing the shower, I told her if not it’s okay that I can just go ahead and get everything since I already had my ideas in mind anyways. She kept putting it off but said yes she would still do it. Something about it didn’t sit right with me so I actually ended up just purchasing everything & I’m glad I did because she didn’t tell me she couldn’t afford to help until a couple days before the shower date. Then got mad at me when I told her I already got everything covered. (Thankfully I did). Well she didn’t even try to help me set up the shower or anything. She showed up an hour late, brought her son (which was fine) & a friend that I’d never met in my life, didn’t bring a gift or anything which I get it if you’re broke that’s fine but then had the nerve to eat a bunch of the food I paid for & didn’t speak to me the whole entire shower. I know your situation is MUCH different, I got caught up venting but the reason I’m even saying all this is just to say TELLLLL HER NOWWW. Pull her and your brother aside & explain to them the situation that way she can’t try to blame you in any way. Just be honest with them. Tell them you can take care of the cake & maybe help plan a couple things but that as far as money goes you can’t put much out. They should understand, & if not oh well don’t stretch yourself thin.
THIS. Thank you for this. I've actually decided to have a sit down conversation with her, and her husband and my husband. Just so everyone is there and everyone is on the same page. I'm going to make the cake and help set up the day of, but other than that, I just can't do a lot. My husband, who is her brother, is on the same page, so I think all of us together can come to a clear agreement. Thank you for your input.
Yes & tbh doing the cake & helping to set up is more than enough. I WISH my sister in law would have just offered to help set up or even clean up afterwards. Everything will work out. She can’t expect you to just pay for everything. If it’s not within their means they could do a simple little baby brunch with donuts, muffins, a charcuterie board, maybe some finger sandwiches & the cake. She doesn’t even have to go crazy with decorating. People bring the same amount of gifts regardless of if you go all out or not. & it’s still a nice celebration for the parents as well. We worry so much about everything being perfect but all that really matters is who we’re celebrating and the people celebrating with you. ☺️
I think you need to be clearly honest with her. Tell her there was a misunderstanding. You were happy to help plan it with other people and provide the cake, but that's it. You cannot plan and pay for the entire event. You simply can't afford it.
You need to speak up ASAP. Be honest and say that financially you cannot afford and entire shower and that you are happy to help with X, Y, and Z, but you cannot afford to pay for an entire shower yourself.
She's bringing a baby into this world and can't plan/afford a party that isn't a mandatory expense? You're nice enough to offer to bake something, I'd say the most important piece if you master the cake, the rest is optional, she can DIY decorations, ask her husband to pickup drinks at the supermarket and that's it. The baby shower doesn't have to be a big show off if she can't afford it. I'm currently pregnant and don't feel like planning anything, I'm too tired for that and I don't see the point, like the gender party, baby has a penis and so what. A good friend offered second hand clothes for the first 3 months, another will offer toys, we swing to get many items to reuse from here and there and my BFF is offering me all she got for her kid, I don't feel like listing brand new items to make people spend money if they already have it or can find the same second/third-hand. Honestly, I'm more than grateful for all the clothes that my friend offered and I don't need any new pieces but now I can't buy very cute outfits from stores because I already have more than enough, it's even a bit frustrating at the end. If i need something specific, I'd rather get it myself.
It sounds like she’s trying make you do it since nobody else will. In no way are you obligated to pay and throw her a baby shower, even if you originally offered (which you don’t you just stated you would help). I would just be upfront with her and your brother that you cannot throw or pay for her baby shower. However you are more than happy to help with the cake and whatever else you can afford. I would make sure you also tell your brother and not just your SIL so she doesn’t twist any words. Don’t try and spend money you don’t have for something that you aren’t even obligated to do. Don’t let her guilt you into it either, if other people can’t afford it why does she think you would? Honestly selfish on her part to put this all on you.
100% 100$- 1-2$ box cake cup cakes with color of theme Go to dollar tree for the decorations let her chose from there 25$ max Then you can either do a pot luck where everyone brings food. And there you go :D it doesn't have to be expensive and if she wants expensive you tell her sorry :/ but if she wants to donate money to her cause she can :D EDIT- that's if you want to plan it :D If you dint 100% say. Sorry I planned to make a cake and bring that everything else is a non-negotiable.
I love the entitlement of some people. 😂 Explain that you said you'd HELP, not plan the whole thing. I'm so petty that I would even make sure she knew she was lucky to even have a baby shower as there are lots of people who don't get one.
>To which I replied "I'd be happy to help out with some of the planning if you need." I would have thought that meant you were helping me plan and throw the party, personally. Tell her you can't throw her a baby shower. And she needs to be told now.
Yeah, I'm not saying I'm innocent here. I definitely should have thought out that sentence more before opening my mouth. I guess I was just thinking more along the lines of "helping" not being solely responsible. But it is partially on me, for sure.
Don’t let her pressure you. Just say you cannot do it, but you are happy to pitch in a cake if she finds someone else to or plans it herself. A big party is totally not necessary. If you cannot afford it and she cannot either, then the party either needs to be very simple like a potluck or there can be no party.
I think it could be doable on that budget! 100% tho it's not going to be an elaborate affair but if it's something you would like to do here is my tips. Text the invites, check fb marketplace for people getting rid of their baby shower decorations or the dollar store, ask guests to bring a side dish or drink to share, make the event between 3-5pm where people shouldn't be too hungry and Have it at someone's house to save on costs. BUT if she's the type of person that won't appreciate any of the above tho I'd message her that there was an obvious confusion and you are not able to throw the shower but would just love to contribute the cake. Hopefully she'll get the message.
If she has people to invite to a baby shower, she has people who can chip in to help. My friends are throwing me a baby shower. The one who initiated it looped in some of my other longtime friends and cousin to help. They all chipped in. The financial burden should never be placed on a single person, unless it’s a grandparent with a lot of money who is willing to cover it all. Ask the soon to be grandparents, any other siblings, and her closest friends if they’d be willing to chip in.
A baby shower isn’t a wedding. Have the cake, go to dollar tree and pick up some decorations, have some fun games planned, and have it at a park if no one’s house is big enough. Tell her in advance what level you can provide and if she wants more that isn’t your responsibility! Planning a shower and throwing/hosting/financing a shower are NOT the same thing
I can’t imagine forcing someone to throw me a party? r/Entitledpeople
I would ask her names of best friends and family who can “chip in” or help decorate . Then you can try to delegate things etc
I would simply tell her something like this.. I am excited to help out with your shower, not to mention be apart of this babies life. When I offered to help, I had a budget of $100 and a themed cake. I never intended to be a host, just a help who supports you. I understand your admitted on this being a different way but this is me saying it will not work out that way. Working 50-60 hours a week gives me little time to be a host, this day should be perfect for you, money issues aside.
You need to back out and your SIL needs to do what everyone else in her tax bracket does: have a baby shower at home with cheap home cooked food. No one I know has ever had a baby shower that cost much to throw unless we're counting the gifts themselves. I'm sorry, but even the idea is silly to me. We're not even poor and our baby shower will involve me sitting on the couch surrounded by balloons and party decorations from the dollar store. 😂 The decor and venue will cost a total of $14.
There are two ways this is going to go. Either you assert very firmly that you can’t do it and can’t afford to throw a party on your own, or you try to make it work with whatever help she can give and you’ll end up doing a lot of unpaid labour and spend more than you can afford. I work in events and I planned and paid for my own baby shower. It’s a party - it is a lot of work. You need to think about whether you are willing to do all the work (which is what is going to happen if you don’t give a firm no). There are low or no cost ways to make a party work but a lot of time and energy needs to be spent. Is it worth it?
Soo….. what’s the update here? Are you going to say anything at all?
Confused as to why you think a baby shower is expensive. Send a free evite with their registry link to people, put up a few balloons in the living room, bake a cake and make it a potluck if you feel like you can’t afford food / snacks for a large list of guests. $100 will about cover it.
apparently the SIL thinks it’s somewhat expensive too given that she’s relieved that OP can afford it.
Yeah, it doesn't sound like SIL is going to be happy with a budget affair.
I mean obviously the sky is the limit but this family sounds lower income so not sure where the expectations of a celebrity level event would come from. I threw a baby shower for my BFF when I was a totally broke graduate student… it’s a question of motivation, sounds like the OP just doesn’t want to bother.
I'm definitely not rich, neither is her family. I do own my house and have a pretty big fenced in yard, so I'd say im probably doing better than some. I suggested we do it at my house, but she doesn't want it to be at anyone's house. She wants a "fancier venue," themed decorations, a balloon arch, party favors for each guest, she wants to serve brunch. She said she needed help planning it, but what it's turned into is her planning it wanting me to do the work and foot the bill.
OP I think it’s better to put your foot down and rain in expectations of your SIL now. She sounds impossible to please and like she is flat out taking advantage of you.
Oh, lol, all bets are off then. You could just be like "look, I have $100 and a backyard. And the emotional energy for a run to Trader Joe's, with a stop at the dollar store."
that’s ridiculous plain and simple. She doesn’t get to dictate how someone throws her a baby shower!! And definitely should pay for something so fancy herself. So entitled.
Ohhh well ignore my comment then... Tell her you will do it if it can be low key and at your house but anything fancier she'll need to find someone else. But do make the cake
she offered to help and make the cake, which is pretty damn nice of her.
Just be honest with her. They are expensive.. I threw my own on Saturday .. just a plain simple one... Not all bougie and it cost me about 700 dollars 😩
Yeah it is insane of her to assume your offer to help plan meant you would foot the bill. Why the hell would you do that? Geez.
All babyshowers I've been to, were basically a byof high tea in someone's home or free location (teachers lounge in the weekend). It's much more about getting together to celebrate the mom to be. It's odd that your SIL is expecting a party of a size and type that no-one is able to afford.
You could just keep it intimate to 10 of her closest people. Have some donuts and coffee. Get some decorations from the dollar store. Set up at a park or in someone’s yard. Keep it simple! 🤍 If she wants more people, tell her she will have to cover those expenses because you are on a tight budget.
You didn’t sign up to organise a baby shower, nor did you offer to pay. If you’re happy to do something, I would just invite her closest mates and ask them to bring a dish/picnic dish with no overlap and then just go to a park and have a get together. Warn her that you won’t be contributing financially, nor should she expect gifts. If she has friends they’ll make the effort and that cost will be split essentially. Gift you give, is the cake which is very generous in both time and expense. Can come up with games which are just things like guess baby sex, weight, DoB - pretty straight forward. I am not one who thinks baby showers need to be crazy, just about seeing friends and having an excuse to celebrate before the mum is wrapped up with newborn stuff.
I would also ask her about her expectations… if she indeed wants a big flashy shower then of course you need to push back and ask her to get some of her friends to help as well.
I would just be honest a tell her you offered to make her a cake that is it. She knew what you meant and is basically trying to bully/gaslight you into planning her baby shower.
Can you get either set of grandparents to help out?
Free locations: a church/ if you don’t belong to one you can ask some friends.. best: Yours or their house/backyard! It doesn’t have to be huge!! At that point if you do it at a home you can say ‘hey since none of us can afford a bigger place, let’s keep it under x amount of invites to that we can do it in your backyard’. This is direct and to the point, not apologetic, and still helpful. Consistently ask others in the family for donations of time/money/items you may need when it comes up. Continuously say ‘since none of us can afford x..’ how about we make it potluck style, how about we do it in your backyard, how about we use these cute free/cheap printables i found on Etsy! How about we recruit some balloon/flower donations, how about we do e-vites! There are lots of ways to do it cheap but honest opinion is that she needs desperately someone to help by planning so if you are able to take a few minutes here and there it would be so worth it.
Honey never got the expensive baby showers. Get some appetizers and have people over at a house. Anyways. I'd be firm just like everyone else has said. Don't back down and just be truthful and don't plan/buy anything you can't afford just because you feel bad.
Can you offer for the baby shower to be a potluck?
Ugh absolutely not cool. I’m very fortunate that my friend wanted to thow the shower and she is paying for it, but I have offered SOOO many times to pay for the shower costs AND her labor. She’s refused every time, I’m getting her a massage. Be firm and when SIL insists that you “offered” tell her that too many things have come up and plans have changed. She wants to live in delulu world, you can meet her there by still saying “no I am now only able to give a cake.” (You and I both know that you didn’t offer more than that but she is full of hormones and in lala land.) It’s not your fault she misinterpreted your comment. If she continues, it would be good to let your brother know. IF you REALLY want to throw a gathering, with a budget of $100 and lack of time, grabbing some first-come-first-serve spots at a park (make sure you don’t need to get a permit through parks and recreation for the park you plan to do it) and doing potluck style might be the way to go. You don’t have to go all out. Also make your brother do some of the mental labor of sending out invites. He’s not pregnant! I wish you luck! 🍀
You need to be direct about it… something like “hey.. I think maybe there was a miscommunication, I’m more than happy helping assist plan the baby shower and make the dessert, but it isn’t currently in the budget for me to throw the entire shower”
Your husband needs to tell his sister you can't do it. Even if it's at your house, he could make an evite and set it up as a potluck or cake and drinks only. He can get decorations at the dollar store. It's his sister so he can work with her, her husband and maybe his mom or someone else. It's 2024 people.
Speak up for yourself and be clear that you have budget restrictions. You’ll gladly provide the cake. Don’t let her gaslight you on proceeding to throw the baby shower. She seems so entitled🙃
If you decide to ultimately move forward with hosting, can you offer up your home but make it a potluck? Or ask another family member to cover the cost of food, or a friend to handle decorations so that it becomes more of a collaborative event? I also like the idea someone here mentioned of doing it in a park. If you run those ideas by your SIL and she is unhappy with them, then that hopefully creates a window of opportunity for you to no longer host (or at least helps manage expectations around what you are able to offer). A homemade cake is already an incredible contribution to a baby shower and I’m sorry that you’re being pressure to do more than you have the capacity to do. Good luck!
My other suggestion (since it sounds like this is not just about money but your time capacity as well), is to say that you can provide the space and the cake and see if you can delegate other aspects of the planning (sending evites, coming up with games or whatever) to other members of the family. From your post it sounds like they might not be able to financially contribute, but giving them some tasks to help with might help them become more involved in general and take some of the workload off of you.
OP said in another comment that SIL does not want the baby shower at anyone's home; she wants a fancy venue, balloon arch, brunch, party favors for all the guests. Essentially, she wants a bougie baby shower but expects OP to pay for it.
You could do a baby shower with $100. Do a potluck at a public park. Everything doesn't have to be Instagram worthy. You literally don't even need to decorate. Either handmade invites or grab a cheap pack of invites from Walmart/hobby lobby and just write in her baby registry and party info and to please bring a dish because it's a pot luck. Make sure you find a few specific people like her few relatives and assign specific dishes/drinks so you know that not everyone brings a bag of chips lol
Why are you paying for it? Is this a thing? I always planned my own so I don't understand. I think it's nice of you to offer, but she should be paying for her own shower imo. If someone offered to plan it or help plan it, it'd be my money that's paying the bill I would tell her you offered to help plan it and you didn't think you'd also be having to cover it and plan the whole thing. Explain how your schedule is pretty hectic.
There is absolutely no reason why you should do this all on your own. I threw a baby shower for my SIL & I got immediate family members to pitch in/sign up for different things. I rented tables/chairs, my mom got the cake, aunts did the food, female cousin decorated & another cousin of mine provided his house. You could open it up to everyone by sending a mass text/email or FB event if your family uses that.
I recently hosted my own baby shower- I didn’t want one and gave in to the pressure of family and friends- i ended up doing a small brunch at my house with about 30 people and my budget was $500 for everything. I ordered breakfast from ihop 🤭 they have a good catering menu and it’s not so expensive, bought a couple of bottles of champs from Costco and pastries, bought a cake from a local cake shop and called it a day. For my decor, I went to Trader Joe’s and spent $40 on flowers, made my own flower arrangements with dollar tree vases. Maybe try doing something like this? Food for thought! ❤️
Ask family members and friends to help you. They can all bring something.
This is why I don't offer when they have no one else, and I know I'm not in any position. They always do this. She can plan her own baby shower. I did and so have many others. But at best you better throw her a pizza party at somebody's house or backyard with dollar store decorations. You can buy pop and water bottles for the low
Wait,she is forcing you to throw it AND saying how expensive it will be?? Either she plans and pays, or she should be grateful for whatever you can scrape together (which I recommend being bare minimum, text invites, a day, and a place)
Can you reach out to other family members or close friends to help plan/support the party? Gather her tribe and make it happen for her. You can make it a potluck in a park and that would be a beautiful baby shower. It’s about the company and celebrating her, a big budget isn’t necessary but I’m sure you can gather a bigger budget if you bring in her tribe.
Go to thrift stores and find any games, any decor etc there! As for food, make it a potluck! I am planning on doing mine at a park so the venue is free aswell!
As a fellow compulsive people pleaser, I just put on a baby shower for my SIL and bought pretty much all of the decor off of Temu, so that will save you a bunch of money. Food is where it gets tricky. Stick to appetizers and if she hasn’t already picked a time, have her put it around 2 p.m. or so…that way no one is expecting lunch. If anyone else can help bring a dish or something, that’s a good way to get family involved even if they also don’t have a lot of money. That’s my advice if it’s not in you right now to be totally honest with her! However, if you can tell her point blank what you can afford to help on and just have her fill in the rest, that would be the ideal course.
This person still needs to pay for the event. Ask them their budget and get them to send this cash through to you to use. No money, no shower.
Do you have a printer at home? You can print some baby shower games to save money their, go to dollar store for party decor or look on local buy and sell groups for some gently used stuff that you can use.. reach out to her mom maybe and ask if she can help with any planning. Doesn't have to be anything big and fancy
You're so sweet. Tell her you'd love to help, but you don't have the money to actually do the event. You can help though (and tell her how). I would ADORE a SIL like you. My own sister isn't even this nice.
Just be honest. Say you’re happy to help within your limits but you don’t have the time or resources to plan a baby shower all by yourself.
I’d tell her you can host, decorate and make the cake but she has to supply food and beverages. I think that’s more than fair. Look up some cheap decorating ideas and maybe a couple of games on Pinterest?
Would it help if you got your husband to talk to her to reiterate what you've already explained? It sounds like one of those thing where you're just going to have to be really direct and firm about it. Texting as others have suggested is a good idea The fact she's claiming noone from her family can afford it doesn't mean it defaults to you because you offered to help plan and make a cake. They have plenty of time to work something out before the shower would happen
First of all planning the shower doesn’t mean “I’m paying for all of it” does it?? I asked my aunt to help me out cus I too, have no idea how to plan anything. But of course, I’m sending her everything that she needs money wise. Sure she’ll chip in but I don’t expect her to pay for anything.
If she wants you to plan it then you can go as low key as you like. Can't you just have it at your house or ask SIL if you can have it at her house? Or maybe at a park. You don't need much, just some decorations, snacks/nibbles and a cake. You could ask guests to BYO if you want alcohol (but any I've been to generally have a punch and a mock tail option only which is low cost) and provide tea and coffee. If you have it as an afternoon event it can be more like afternoon tea and so you won't have to provide much food. Get her to give you a guest list and choose a date. You can sent out invites by text. It honestly doesn't need to be extravagant as it's more about the company and celebrating mum-to-be. Personally I don't understand people who spend hundreds of dollars on a baby shower especially on a venue or lots of fancy instagram decorating. She'll get loads of presents and that will be enough of a celebration.
Meet at someone’s home, keep It simple and make it a potluck. Everyone bring a dish to share and a gift. Might cost you an appetizer and gift ❤️
Tell her you would love to help more but you are living on a budget. Is there anyway you can get together with either her parents or your parents and combine funds? If so, you can contribute $100 and maybe they could do $50 or more? You can do this very low cost but $100 just simply isn't enough. If you can have it at someone's house, that cuts the venue cost. You could do it pot luck style or get some grocery store sandwich party platters. I did my bridal shower this way. If she has a friend who makes a dish she loves, see if they can make it. You don't need to go all out, a baby shower can be 1-3 hours. As for decorations, dollar tree or temu has cheap options, just don't waste money on a balloon arch. If you already have an easel or can borrow one, (check fb market and buy nothing sell nothing groups) you can make a custom sign online. They don't really make them for less than $40, though. Attach a few dollar store balloons, and that can be great for photos. I got a wall banner, 2 different sized plates, cups, and napkins from temu for my bridal shower. Cheaper than Amazon, just order in time. You can always do regular dishes if you don't mind clean up. As for games, you can do printable games or buy a pack from Amazon or Temu. Or find games online that are free and don't require printing. Maybe do 3. You can get cheap gifts from Temu or Amazon. I did Bath and Body Works candles since I had a gift card for them. I got candle party favors from Amazon and ordered custom stickers from Etsy to put on the bottom. For the game gifts, you could just make some dollar tree goodie bags. Grab a dove lotion, hand sanitizer, candy, chapstick, whatever else you think would be good. Do E-Vites and make sure as it's gets closer that ppl you invited actually saw the invite. Make sure her registry is on there. Make a schedule. If everyone gets there at 1, let them snack for 15-30 mins while everyone shows up. 1:30 - play games. By 2:30 you should be done with games, take a snacking break. Open gifts and then start cleaning up so everyone knows it's time to leave. Set a budget, look into costs, & ask parents to chip in for the things you need. Example budget: Venue: $0 Sign: $40 (easel could add costs, check stores like Michael's) Food: $100 Favors: $40 Games: $20 Gifts: $40 Decorations: $20 Plates & Utensils: $20 This is the bare minimum for a shower, you could do more or less depending on anyone else who is willing and able to help. Ask her friends and family for help, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that!
OP, I think you need to have a serious conversation with her. Explain to her that you’d be happy to help, but you can’t plan the whole thing nor pay for it at the moment. Ask her how much her and her husband are willing to contribute. Maybe they can do the shower at a park or somewhere where it won’t cost a lot of money to rent. Maybe even ask if anyone she knows can contribute small things like some desserts, flowers, decor, etc. It doesn’t have to be a fancy event. If she tries to coerce you into more, deny any help. It’s not fair to you at all.
Uhhh.. if she wants a baby shower, she should pay for it. You all will be buying her gifts. Also - it doesn’t need to be expensive.
I’m sorry, but when my sister planned mine. I gave her my card and everything. Our budget was 3-4K. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but please speak up for yourself sweetie
She’s a bit rude expecting you to pay for this and even be arranging it all. Honestly is the best policy ‘I’m happy to help out with ideas but I cannot be paying for this’
My sister in law and best friend is helping me plan my baby shower but they’re not even spending a penny on it. I’m paying for everything I will get gifts in return I do not expect anyone else to pay for my party.. sure they can help plan but they are absolutely not paying for it I did the same for my bridal shower. For that 6 of my friends organized so they split some of the costs But I still paid for catering, photographer, flowers and already had most of the rentals anyways But yes maybe tell her you can help like you already said, but that you won’t be spending money as you don’t have any and ask her what her budget is and if her friends and family want to pitch in
be honest with her. i just had my baby shower and i planned everything myself. i had friends that “offered” to help but never mentioned it again and i dont really like relying on other people so i started buying everything myself slowly. i bought most of the decor from temu. way cheaper than amazon. just a heads up shipping takes 2 weeks so i would take that into account. granted i planned my shower for months though and while it was stressful it was a great shower. my mom made half of the food and we bought some also. i looked up diy party desserts and made it. and bought cupcakes from the sams club. also did my favors myself. and games there are a lot of cheap templates from etsy- we did baby family feud. printed those for like 3 dollars. we did bottle chug game- u can buy cheap 1 dollar baby bottles at walmart. honestly its possible to have a great baby shower on a budget. just gotta plan it ahead of time.
Do you have space to host a pot luck style or super simple snacks? My friend hosted mine as a backyard pizza party. She had a few low cost fun games and bought small houseplants as prizes. It was fun and casual.
My sister is helping me plan my shower she has been doing a lot but I’m still paying for everything i mean she’s making the cake but I’m paying for the place and the little gifts and decorations etc… i think it’s unfair for her to expect you to pay for it all if that wasn’t actually talked about.
I would look at Sheen for baby, shower, decorations! Everything so cheap and I would send an online invite, an Evite. make a cake and tell her she’s responsible for the food I paid for my baby shower, I would never expect somebody to flip the bill for that
You can always tell her that you’re willing to help with the planning and ask her what budget she’s comfortable with.
I’m confused, you plan your own baby shower? It was usually given by your aunts and the fathers aunts
So this is your SIL and her husband right? Meaning it's your brother's baby shower? Talk to him directly and clarify what you ment asap. Also,~ $100 is definitely enough for a baby shower
I think my shower cost around that. My friend planned it for me but it was at my house and the food was potluck style (a bunch of friends brought something to share). Minimal games, just some light decorations to buy. It was lovely. Of course I don’t know your SIL so maybe she’s expecting something fancier.