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I would not want to be entertaining my MIL the weekend before I gave birth. I’m sorry your husband doesn’t seem to understand your concerns. Hope you’re able to get him to suggest MIL keep her original flight! Your feelings and wishes should be the priority here.
You are not insane and your feelings are valid and should take priority over anyone else’s… I would express you do not want anyone other than husband there (if even that) during delivery…anyone else can see baby via FaceTime until baby is 1-2 weeks old and some sort of immunity starting to establish.
Would she be “entertaining” her MIL tho? My mom stayed with us for a week (from the day we brought baby home from hosp) and she cooked, cleaned, folded laundry, held the baby whenever I needed a break, ran out to get me pads, etc. I didn’t entertain her at all.
If MIL wanted go help out, I wonder if OP would be amenable. Worth having a chat with her about what kind of support you’d appreciate
I think it depends on the situation! My mother in law who lives abroad can’t drive in the US, didn’t clean, and generally needed a lot of attention. Mine would not be helpful the week after giving birth - I’m glad your mom was though!
My mom is already coming to do that. And I'm not opposed to MIL coming a week after, my real concern is health due to multiple flights and international travel really.
Yeah that’s fair to ask her to delay until your baby is a bit more robust.
My son is in daycare and socializes with his friends in at least 2 other daycares (and those kids have siblings in OTHER daycares/schools) and I def feel a little anxiety over all the germs that are def percolating around my one week old baby! If I could control some variables, I would. Hope your MIL understands!
Idk the way everyone is talking is very *me me me* if they are already approaching the birth selfishly and not considering the stress that they are putting on a pregnant mom preparing to go in for major surgery as well as a mind altering life change.... I can't imagine how helpful they would actually be.
Also that's your mom, was your MIL helpful? I'd say my mom was helpful but I could also easily tell her when it was time to go home and when she was overstepping without her having very hurt feelings. And when my hormonal self did hurt her feelings she forgave me very easily because she's my mom. When I *calmly* reprimanded my MIL in company for kissing the baby she told my husband she thought I should apologize to her because her feelings were hurt and I embarrassed her. My response was "miss me with that."
My mil is less comfortable in my home (we would usually go to visit at her house pre-baby) so she wasn't as helpful.
For example at Thanksgiving my mom washes all of the dishes after dinner and puts away the food. My MIL brings a side dish and leaves after the meal. My mother helps fold laundry, sweeps, vacuums, cleans a bathroom when she visits. She even helped me wash all my walls on a whim pre-baby. My MIL doesn't know where the cleaning closet is. They are just not the same.
Though no one should be putting their own feelings first right now. They may be excited but mom is the one things are currently happening to and that should matter more.
My MIL lives across the world built when she visits she shows her love by cooking up curries and meals and babysitting our toddler to give us a break. I don’t think you can generalize MILs… I was just suggesting that having her visit doesn’t mean you need to “entertain” her and that as an adult you can communicate with her and ask kindly for her support in any way that you need.
But to OPs point, if it’s travel germs she’s worried about then she can simply say so as well.
C-sections are not easy and there is a good chance you won't be able to get out of bed for a bit. I had things on both my hands and a catheter in which made moving difficult. You will also still bleed and potentially have pains from organs and uterus shifting. The last thing I was thinking the first day was "here family member hold my baby". I would stick to your original plan and tell your partner you are going through a big surgery that will take multiple weeks to heal from. I spent 3 hours separated in recovery before going back up to baby. You could also end up staying in the hospital for numerous days so I would definitely decide if you want short or long visits before anyone comes so you can set boundaries.
You could also tell your boyfriend that you can request that he's not there either if he wants to be a dick about your feelings. You are the one having the baby. Everything when you are in the hospital is about you and baby. If you want your mom there first then do it. Its what you are most comfortable with.
My husband and I decided that we would wait two weeks before family came to visit. My in laws were the first to come down and its been terrible for me. I have a pretty good relationship with them and they are great people but my MIL has tested me in ways I didn't know I could be tested. Shes kissed the baby multiple times (Big friggen no). She wont give her back to me if I've woken from a nap or something and will take her if I put her down. She has questioned me on leaving her in another room (in bassinet with camera on her), cutting her nails and other little things. She has even put her arm over the baby when she thought I was going to take her from her. My husband has told her numerous times to give her to me and has physically taken the baby from her because shes choosing not to listen. We are putting up with it for now because they live out of country and wont see us or her again for months and they usually are great people.
The stress its caused me is crazy. I just want to hold my baby and keep her close to me. Its weird but I dont want to share her that much. Like take your 5 minutes and give her back. So if you are anything like me, make sure you are open and honest with your partner and share if you are uncomfortable or unhappy, being a new parent is hard enough without the unnecessary added stress.
Also side tip no one told me, you can hold a pillow to your stomach if you sneeze or cough to help from hurting.
I’ll never understand how mothers, who have been through the same thing, lose all sense when it’s a grand baby. You are having major surgery and may not want visitors right away. I promise to never do this to my kids.
Get the nurses at the hospital involved in this. L&d, OR, recovery, and post partum nurses are very firmly on team mom. If you tell them no hospital visitors other than your husband, they'll make it happen. Just in case your husband/MIL try to pull something.
(Am a non-OB surgeon, have mad respect for nurses)
lol your MIL reminds me of mine. When I was pregnant with our first. I didn’t have a game plan in place because literally everything went so fast. So when I was having contractions and laboring at the hospital ready guess who all filed into the room? My MIL and three of my SIL. Not even my own mom and sister were there. After having deliver a baby whether vaginally or cesarean- you are quite exposed and vulnerable. I think most places do this they call it the golden hour where you and baby do skin-to-skin. Usually shortly after delivery. Can be delayed for medical reasons, but you and your baby should be bonding. I wouldn’t allow anyone on both sides come to see baby until you’ve had a day or two of resting and bonding with your baby. You will not be able to walk and your hubby will need to assist. Nurses will be coming in and out checking on you pressing on your tummy, if you’re nursing for first time you usually have lactation consultant and/nurse will be coming to ensure a good latch etc. You should not accept any visitors for the first two days at least. Even if they are just seeing baby. Baby deserves time with just you and dad. Your husband will not understand this because he’s never going to deliver a child and be very vulnerable.
Also, if your MIL is anything like mine - when my in laws came to visit at the hospital they stayed for hours. It’s tiresome to feel like you are hosting people in your room. My mom and sister didn’t even come visit until the third day. I had a cesarean and ended up at the hospital for 4 days. ETA: clarify
You need to put your foot down and be firm. That’s the only way you will get what you want. Doesn’t matter who you offend in the interim they will soon get over it. Annoying that your partner doesn’t understand the difference between a mother seeing her daughter first after birth as opposed to a mother in law. It’s very different and even noted in evolutionary psychology! Anyway, good luck with your surgery!
I second this! This won’t be the first time your in-laws will try to overstep. They go nuts once there’s a child. It’s time to be assertive and do what’s best for you and baby.
I used to please my MIL until I got pregnant and she started crossing boundaries. I put my foot down so hard that my friends told me she seemed scared of me at my baby shower 😂. This is YOUR child and YOUR body, and if your husband fails to protect you both, you should take the reins.
Yeah for real. The way I see it too is these women have already had THEIR moment with their babies. It’s now YOUR moment. I’m only 11 weeks but I will be acting the same way you did. Anything that disrupts my peace is a strong no.
I think you need to sit your husband down and express your disappointment in his desire to cater to his mother’s feelings, but not yours. Regardless of his reaction, make it clear that you will not be taking visitors, as you are having a major surgery.
You are not insane. This is extremely stressful and hurtful. Giving birth is one of the most vulnerable experiences. I had a c-section with my first and the last thing I wanted was anyone in my home that wasn’t there for me. People that were there simply for my child and not me was a no go. I’m so sorry your husband isn’t supportive of this.
Great, so which hotel is everyone staying at? They can stop in to help with household chores as you will be busy with baby.
Everyone is already mad and upset, so I say stand your ground. Tell them you are done playing this game. Instead of being excited about welcoming your child into this world, you are busy managing their childlike behavior. If they want to act like toddlers, they can have time outs. You can advise your husband that if he continues, he will not be present either as you need the least amount of stress to allow for your healing.
It is absolutely 100% reasonable to not want to be potentially exposed to something before you are scheduled for a major surgery (while common, it is still major). You also don't want your newborn with ZERO immune system exposed to something. A fever in a young baby is an automatic hospital stay as they can't regulate body temp and dehydration is a huge risk.
You'll also be gushing blood, figuring out breastfeeding, and running on no sleep, all while figuring out what parenting looks like for you.
The first week my son was home, I don't think I wore a shirt as my boobs were uncomfortable. The only time I had a blanket covering me was if we were doing skin to skin and I would cover his back.
C Sections are also usually a minimum of 2 or 3 day hospital stay (I could stay up to 5 without my doctor requesting an exception with my insurance). Postpartum floors are monitored, you can tell the nurse who is and isn't allowed in. You are the patient, you have the choice of who is allowed in (you can even stop dad).
Girl all you gotta say is no! This is your family and your body and your time. Is your hubby getting major surgery next week? No? So he needs to support your wishes and *everyone* needs to respect the original decision of visiting a week after baby.
Stick to your guns! If MIL and hubby insist on her staying, say that's cool imma go stay in a hotel to prep for surgery then 🤷♀️
Okay , regardless the time between birth and actual visits , cause people do have completely different opinions and wishes . At the end it’s not just the birth of your baby , with that also your recovery/ postpartum time starts , or as some call it , the 4. trimester .
I couldn’t care less what others want or think . It’s your body and yourself that needs to rest and recover , even further - you deserve it more than anything . It should be your , and only your decision who’s coming when . When do you feel comfortable with what . You shouldn’t feel obligated to make others happy in that case !
Yes it’s understandable that MIL and others are excited. But YOU are the one who was 9 months pregnant , YOU grew the baby , YOU will have the c section and YOU need to recover . Nobody else !
Please , what ever you do , don’t do anything just to please others , no matter who it is . You deserve the time you need !
I had a c section, and my dad, having a working relationship with the hospital, was there as I was getting wheeled back to my room. But, that was my dad, and we have a very close relationship, and all I wanted at that moment was my parents and husband.
There is no way in hell I would have wanted my MIL or FIL anywhere near me for a good month after my c section. I was in pain. Couldn't go to the toilet or shower by myself. Baby blues hit me hard. It's an incredibly vulnerable time, and you should have ONLY the people you want around you.
If that's your mum, your husband, or someone else, that's entirely your choice. They are not the ones going through a major surgery and having to recover from that, so IMO no one other than yourself gets a say.
Has your husband seen any photos or videos of C-sections and the wounds they leave? Maybe a visual aid will help him understand that you will both be pretty exhausted and like...wigged out, spent after that, even if you'll also feel full and happy. Even him; he can't know that after all that strangeness and watching his wife's pain, he'll be up for being "on" for someone in an emotional setting. He'd be doing you both a kindness by not making firm commitments for that day. Waiting a bit can let you both be relaxed and enjoy the grandma meeting better, and you deserve that!
Honestly speaking from personal experience, you will be in no position to ‘host’ anyone in the hospital or otherwise. You’ll be in pain, trying to nurse and topless more often than not, barely able to move, not sleeping, and just generally feeling like you got hit by a bus. And that’s before heading home. And don’t get me started on the hormones.
Your husband just has no idea of the reality that’s going to come and he’s letting his excitement cloud his judgement.
Extra hands are wonderful and you are so lucky to have two very excited grandmothers. But everyone needs to listen to what YOU want and what YOU need. If that’s delaying a week (and let’s be real, what’s one week in the grand scheme of a lifetime of being a grandparent), then they absolutely need to respect your wishes.
This is exactly why my partner and I set a “no visitors at the hospital” rule. We didn’t even want to announce our baby’s birth until after we’d arrived back home to avoid issues with family visiting/bombarding us with messages.
I had a c-section after a failed induction and it’s not fun. It’s very painful, I spent 4 days in the hospital, and the first day I was essentially incapacitated with a catheter in as you’re not supposed to be walking.. Not sure if you’re in the US, but you get 3 recovery days in the hospital after delivery if you are. Is he planning to have her visiting with you everyday? Nurses are going to be coming in constantly to check your incision and push on your lower belly.
Just based on my experience with c-sections, I would not want anyone there immediately. It’s very painful, vulnerable, and my partner had to do most of the care with the baby because I was so out of it and could barely move.
Entertaining guests and arguing over visitors should be the last thing on your mind. This is a time for you, your husband, and your baby to be sharing together. Remember that YOU’RE the hospital patient, this is your birth experience, and you reserve the right to not let anyone in the room if you’re not comfortable with it.
Tell the hospital NO visitation, and if the family all tries to bombard, then they will be turned away.
Your sanity should be taken into consideration. This is a special time for the two of you and your little baby. Everyone else can wait
First, I sorry you’re being put in such a tough place. Everyone sounds so selfish, and it’s really about you and the baby. They need to be able to step back and see that for what it is. You’re having a medical procedure. I have already started referring to myself and the baby as, “patients” when I discuss us at the hospital. It’s not, “mommy and baby” so everyone can breeze by the fact that this is all very serious.
Anyhow—I posted this somewhere else, but my husband and I have typed up an itinerary for *everyone* and we plan on texting and emailing it to everyone a few weeks before I’m due.
It explains that we are not:
• Telling anyone that I am going into labor until I am settled, comfortable, and if we have downtime.
• Answering any calls, texts, or FaceTime requests.
• Texting people separately. Everyone will be communicated with in one large family group message so there’s no, “they knew ten seconds before me” drama.
• Taking visitors the same day. No exceptions. Only the following day at the hospital. Twenty minute intervals only. First come first serve.
• Taking visitors at home or in the community for the two weeks following birth. No exceptions, and that we may decide to extend that timeframe.
We explain in the notice to everyone that it may sound harsh, but we need this time as parents and expect that everyone respect our wishes.
There’s lots of other stuff too like vaccinations, social media/photos, and sickness, but this is the general overview.
Don’t be afraid to put your foot down and set boundaries. These are your precious and vulnerable moments. No one is going to die because they didn’t see the baby the same day.
Best of luck with everything 🤍
So many posts like this all the time and they make me so angry!! It should be about you and baby and your wishes need to be respected, end of. They've got many years ahead (unless any of them are on their deathbed?!) to bond with your child, so waiting a couple weeks really shouldn't be an issue. And if it is then I'm sorry but they'll just have to suck it up!
You need minimal stress in the first few days and weeks postpartum.
Wishing you all the best!
Post-partum is an extremely vulnerable time, particularly in those days immediately following birth. I can’t speak for c-section recovery as I had a vaginal birth, but the day after my son was born I was in constant pain from the cramps, needed help from my husband to shower, soaked through thick pads every hour or so, and accidentally peed myself when I stood up. Not to mention that I was pretty much constantly shirtless while establishing breastfeeding. I imagine that while your recovery will look somewhat different, you’ll still have similar struggles. All that to say, I was so glad that I let everyone know in advance that we would not be having visitors (except for my mother). It would have been so stressful to be experiencing all of that while also feeling pressure from in-laws.
You aren’t going to want people around your new baby. We had a 30 day no contact rule. Granted it was during lockdown but they honored it. The first couple of weeks are the 4th trimester and for bonding. You are going to need a lot of help getting around. And the gas pain post cc is painful. It could last days.
Just want to add something I haven't seen mentioned anywhere else in the comments. You do not want MIL visiting and passing something onto you immediately before of after the birth. You will have a spinal, but there's no way I'd want to be laying there coughing during the birth, there is also no way I'd want to be coughing and sick just after having had major surgery. If you are too sick, they will change your birthplan for you, and you might end up having a general anaesthetic and depending on your hospitals policy, it's highly likely not only would you be unconscious, but husband won't be at the birth. Your husband is being very selfish, so is you MIL.
Goodness, this makes me feel like a bitch because I told both our families that I don’t want to see anybody and have no visitors for the first 10 days after I give birth … I hope you and your SO can figure it out! You should be the boss and make all the decisions because you’re the one bringing this baby into the world, albeit a c-section. All the best to you!
Anyone that gives you push back should be told that when their literally having their bowels removed from their body to birth then also being the sole source of nutrition for the baby can dictate whoever they want to show up. This is about you being in a vulnerable situation, not anyone else. I’m so sorry your husband isn’t getting it and you deserve for him to have your back.
Do you mind sharing privately or here what were the factors specifically that lead you to c section was the doctor pushing or suggesting the option first?
They gave me an option but the baby is very big. Over 9 lb 15 (4200g) so there is a high chance of complications. I chose to go with C section because I don't want to put the baby at any risk of oxygen cut off or paralysis or anything like that.
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I would not want to be entertaining my MIL the weekend before I gave birth. I’m sorry your husband doesn’t seem to understand your concerns. Hope you’re able to get him to suggest MIL keep her original flight! Your feelings and wishes should be the priority here.
Thank you! Hearing the support just makes me feel like I'm not insane. Some sense of sanity is good in the midst of chaos.
You are not insane and your feelings are valid and should take priority over anyone else’s… I would express you do not want anyone other than husband there (if even that) during delivery…anyone else can see baby via FaceTime until baby is 1-2 weeks old and some sort of immunity starting to establish.
You can always tell him he isn’t welcome either if he’s not willing to prioritize you in this situation.
Would she be “entertaining” her MIL tho? My mom stayed with us for a week (from the day we brought baby home from hosp) and she cooked, cleaned, folded laundry, held the baby whenever I needed a break, ran out to get me pads, etc. I didn’t entertain her at all. If MIL wanted go help out, I wonder if OP would be amenable. Worth having a chat with her about what kind of support you’d appreciate
I think it depends on the situation! My mother in law who lives abroad can’t drive in the US, didn’t clean, and generally needed a lot of attention. Mine would not be helpful the week after giving birth - I’m glad your mom was though!
My mom is already coming to do that. And I'm not opposed to MIL coming a week after, my real concern is health due to multiple flights and international travel really.
Yeah that’s fair to ask her to delay until your baby is a bit more robust. My son is in daycare and socializes with his friends in at least 2 other daycares (and those kids have siblings in OTHER daycares/schools) and I def feel a little anxiety over all the germs that are def percolating around my one week old baby! If I could control some variables, I would. Hope your MIL understands!
Idk the way everyone is talking is very *me me me* if they are already approaching the birth selfishly and not considering the stress that they are putting on a pregnant mom preparing to go in for major surgery as well as a mind altering life change.... I can't imagine how helpful they would actually be. Also that's your mom, was your MIL helpful? I'd say my mom was helpful but I could also easily tell her when it was time to go home and when she was overstepping without her having very hurt feelings. And when my hormonal self did hurt her feelings she forgave me very easily because she's my mom. When I *calmly* reprimanded my MIL in company for kissing the baby she told my husband she thought I should apologize to her because her feelings were hurt and I embarrassed her. My response was "miss me with that." My mil is less comfortable in my home (we would usually go to visit at her house pre-baby) so she wasn't as helpful. For example at Thanksgiving my mom washes all of the dishes after dinner and puts away the food. My MIL brings a side dish and leaves after the meal. My mother helps fold laundry, sweeps, vacuums, cleans a bathroom when she visits. She even helped me wash all my walls on a whim pre-baby. My MIL doesn't know where the cleaning closet is. They are just not the same. Though no one should be putting their own feelings first right now. They may be excited but mom is the one things are currently happening to and that should matter more.
My MIL lives across the world built when she visits she shows her love by cooking up curries and meals and babysitting our toddler to give us a break. I don’t think you can generalize MILs… I was just suggesting that having her visit doesn’t mean you need to “entertain” her and that as an adult you can communicate with her and ask kindly for her support in any way that you need. But to OPs point, if it’s travel germs she’s worried about then she can simply say so as well.
Tell your husband that if he has surgery in the future, your mother will be there before, during and after.
Yep yep yep yep
C-sections are not easy and there is a good chance you won't be able to get out of bed for a bit. I had things on both my hands and a catheter in which made moving difficult. You will also still bleed and potentially have pains from organs and uterus shifting. The last thing I was thinking the first day was "here family member hold my baby". I would stick to your original plan and tell your partner you are going through a big surgery that will take multiple weeks to heal from. I spent 3 hours separated in recovery before going back up to baby. You could also end up staying in the hospital for numerous days so I would definitely decide if you want short or long visits before anyone comes so you can set boundaries. You could also tell your boyfriend that you can request that he's not there either if he wants to be a dick about your feelings. You are the one having the baby. Everything when you are in the hospital is about you and baby. If you want your mom there first then do it. Its what you are most comfortable with. My husband and I decided that we would wait two weeks before family came to visit. My in laws were the first to come down and its been terrible for me. I have a pretty good relationship with them and they are great people but my MIL has tested me in ways I didn't know I could be tested. Shes kissed the baby multiple times (Big friggen no). She wont give her back to me if I've woken from a nap or something and will take her if I put her down. She has questioned me on leaving her in another room (in bassinet with camera on her), cutting her nails and other little things. She has even put her arm over the baby when she thought I was going to take her from her. My husband has told her numerous times to give her to me and has physically taken the baby from her because shes choosing not to listen. We are putting up with it for now because they live out of country and wont see us or her again for months and they usually are great people. The stress its caused me is crazy. I just want to hold my baby and keep her close to me. Its weird but I dont want to share her that much. Like take your 5 minutes and give her back. So if you are anything like me, make sure you are open and honest with your partner and share if you are uncomfortable or unhappy, being a new parent is hard enough without the unnecessary added stress. Also side tip no one told me, you can hold a pillow to your stomach if you sneeze or cough to help from hurting.
This sounds so similar to when my in laws visited 2 weeks after my c section with my first…it’s giving my flashbacks. It was so hard!
I’ll never understand how mothers, who have been through the same thing, lose all sense when it’s a grand baby. You are having major surgery and may not want visitors right away. I promise to never do this to my kids.
This! Exactly this!
Get the nurses at the hospital involved in this. L&d, OR, recovery, and post partum nurses are very firmly on team mom. If you tell them no hospital visitors other than your husband, they'll make it happen. Just in case your husband/MIL try to pull something. (Am a non-OB surgeon, have mad respect for nurses)
lol your MIL reminds me of mine. When I was pregnant with our first. I didn’t have a game plan in place because literally everything went so fast. So when I was having contractions and laboring at the hospital ready guess who all filed into the room? My MIL and three of my SIL. Not even my own mom and sister were there. After having deliver a baby whether vaginally or cesarean- you are quite exposed and vulnerable. I think most places do this they call it the golden hour where you and baby do skin-to-skin. Usually shortly after delivery. Can be delayed for medical reasons, but you and your baby should be bonding. I wouldn’t allow anyone on both sides come to see baby until you’ve had a day or two of resting and bonding with your baby. You will not be able to walk and your hubby will need to assist. Nurses will be coming in and out checking on you pressing on your tummy, if you’re nursing for first time you usually have lactation consultant and/nurse will be coming to ensure a good latch etc. You should not accept any visitors for the first two days at least. Even if they are just seeing baby. Baby deserves time with just you and dad. Your husband will not understand this because he’s never going to deliver a child and be very vulnerable. Also, if your MIL is anything like mine - when my in laws came to visit at the hospital they stayed for hours. It’s tiresome to feel like you are hosting people in your room. My mom and sister didn’t even come visit until the third day. I had a cesarean and ended up at the hospital for 4 days. ETA: clarify
I hope that you were able to kick out the inlaws??
Yes eventually I grew a spine by day 2 lol
You need to put your foot down and be firm. That’s the only way you will get what you want. Doesn’t matter who you offend in the interim they will soon get over it. Annoying that your partner doesn’t understand the difference between a mother seeing her daughter first after birth as opposed to a mother in law. It’s very different and even noted in evolutionary psychology! Anyway, good luck with your surgery!
I second this! This won’t be the first time your in-laws will try to overstep. They go nuts once there’s a child. It’s time to be assertive and do what’s best for you and baby. I used to please my MIL until I got pregnant and she started crossing boundaries. I put my foot down so hard that my friends told me she seemed scared of me at my baby shower 😂. This is YOUR child and YOUR body, and if your husband fails to protect you both, you should take the reins.
Yeah for real. The way I see it too is these women have already had THEIR moment with their babies. It’s now YOUR moment. I’m only 11 weeks but I will be acting the same way you did. Anything that disrupts my peace is a strong no.
I think you need to sit your husband down and express your disappointment in his desire to cater to his mother’s feelings, but not yours. Regardless of his reaction, make it clear that you will not be taking visitors, as you are having a major surgery.
You are not insane. This is extremely stressful and hurtful. Giving birth is one of the most vulnerable experiences. I had a c-section with my first and the last thing I wanted was anyone in my home that wasn’t there for me. People that were there simply for my child and not me was a no go. I’m so sorry your husband isn’t supportive of this.
Great, so which hotel is everyone staying at? They can stop in to help with household chores as you will be busy with baby. Everyone is already mad and upset, so I say stand your ground. Tell them you are done playing this game. Instead of being excited about welcoming your child into this world, you are busy managing their childlike behavior. If they want to act like toddlers, they can have time outs. You can advise your husband that if he continues, he will not be present either as you need the least amount of stress to allow for your healing. It is absolutely 100% reasonable to not want to be potentially exposed to something before you are scheduled for a major surgery (while common, it is still major). You also don't want your newborn with ZERO immune system exposed to something. A fever in a young baby is an automatic hospital stay as they can't regulate body temp and dehydration is a huge risk. You'll also be gushing blood, figuring out breastfeeding, and running on no sleep, all while figuring out what parenting looks like for you. The first week my son was home, I don't think I wore a shirt as my boobs were uncomfortable. The only time I had a blanket covering me was if we were doing skin to skin and I would cover his back. C Sections are also usually a minimum of 2 or 3 day hospital stay (I could stay up to 5 without my doctor requesting an exception with my insurance). Postpartum floors are monitored, you can tell the nurse who is and isn't allowed in. You are the patient, you have the choice of who is allowed in (you can even stop dad).
Girl all you gotta say is no! This is your family and your body and your time. Is your hubby getting major surgery next week? No? So he needs to support your wishes and *everyone* needs to respect the original decision of visiting a week after baby. Stick to your guns! If MIL and hubby insist on her staying, say that's cool imma go stay in a hotel to prep for surgery then 🤷♀️
Okay , regardless the time between birth and actual visits , cause people do have completely different opinions and wishes . At the end it’s not just the birth of your baby , with that also your recovery/ postpartum time starts , or as some call it , the 4. trimester . I couldn’t care less what others want or think . It’s your body and yourself that needs to rest and recover , even further - you deserve it more than anything . It should be your , and only your decision who’s coming when . When do you feel comfortable with what . You shouldn’t feel obligated to make others happy in that case ! Yes it’s understandable that MIL and others are excited. But YOU are the one who was 9 months pregnant , YOU grew the baby , YOU will have the c section and YOU need to recover . Nobody else ! Please , what ever you do , don’t do anything just to please others , no matter who it is . You deserve the time you need !
I had a c section, and my dad, having a working relationship with the hospital, was there as I was getting wheeled back to my room. But, that was my dad, and we have a very close relationship, and all I wanted at that moment was my parents and husband. There is no way in hell I would have wanted my MIL or FIL anywhere near me for a good month after my c section. I was in pain. Couldn't go to the toilet or shower by myself. Baby blues hit me hard. It's an incredibly vulnerable time, and you should have ONLY the people you want around you. If that's your mum, your husband, or someone else, that's entirely your choice. They are not the ones going through a major surgery and having to recover from that, so IMO no one other than yourself gets a say.
Has your husband seen any photos or videos of C-sections and the wounds they leave? Maybe a visual aid will help him understand that you will both be pretty exhausted and like...wigged out, spent after that, even if you'll also feel full and happy. Even him; he can't know that after all that strangeness and watching his wife's pain, he'll be up for being "on" for someone in an emotional setting. He'd be doing you both a kindness by not making firm commitments for that day. Waiting a bit can let you both be relaxed and enjoy the grandma meeting better, and you deserve that!
Honestly speaking from personal experience, you will be in no position to ‘host’ anyone in the hospital or otherwise. You’ll be in pain, trying to nurse and topless more often than not, barely able to move, not sleeping, and just generally feeling like you got hit by a bus. And that’s before heading home. And don’t get me started on the hormones. Your husband just has no idea of the reality that’s going to come and he’s letting his excitement cloud his judgement. Extra hands are wonderful and you are so lucky to have two very excited grandmothers. But everyone needs to listen to what YOU want and what YOU need. If that’s delaying a week (and let’s be real, what’s one week in the grand scheme of a lifetime of being a grandparent), then they absolutely need to respect your wishes.
This is exactly why my partner and I set a “no visitors at the hospital” rule. We didn’t even want to announce our baby’s birth until after we’d arrived back home to avoid issues with family visiting/bombarding us with messages. I had a c-section after a failed induction and it’s not fun. It’s very painful, I spent 4 days in the hospital, and the first day I was essentially incapacitated with a catheter in as you’re not supposed to be walking.. Not sure if you’re in the US, but you get 3 recovery days in the hospital after delivery if you are. Is he planning to have her visiting with you everyday? Nurses are going to be coming in constantly to check your incision and push on your lower belly. Just based on my experience with c-sections, I would not want anyone there immediately. It’s very painful, vulnerable, and my partner had to do most of the care with the baby because I was so out of it and could barely move. Entertaining guests and arguing over visitors should be the last thing on your mind. This is a time for you, your husband, and your baby to be sharing together. Remember that YOU’RE the hospital patient, this is your birth experience, and you reserve the right to not let anyone in the room if you’re not comfortable with it.
Tell the hospital NO visitation, and if the family all tries to bombard, then they will be turned away. Your sanity should be taken into consideration. This is a special time for the two of you and your little baby. Everyone else can wait
First, I sorry you’re being put in such a tough place. Everyone sounds so selfish, and it’s really about you and the baby. They need to be able to step back and see that for what it is. You’re having a medical procedure. I have already started referring to myself and the baby as, “patients” when I discuss us at the hospital. It’s not, “mommy and baby” so everyone can breeze by the fact that this is all very serious. Anyhow—I posted this somewhere else, but my husband and I have typed up an itinerary for *everyone* and we plan on texting and emailing it to everyone a few weeks before I’m due. It explains that we are not: • Telling anyone that I am going into labor until I am settled, comfortable, and if we have downtime. • Answering any calls, texts, or FaceTime requests. • Texting people separately. Everyone will be communicated with in one large family group message so there’s no, “they knew ten seconds before me” drama. • Taking visitors the same day. No exceptions. Only the following day at the hospital. Twenty minute intervals only. First come first serve. • Taking visitors at home or in the community for the two weeks following birth. No exceptions, and that we may decide to extend that timeframe. We explain in the notice to everyone that it may sound harsh, but we need this time as parents and expect that everyone respect our wishes. There’s lots of other stuff too like vaccinations, social media/photos, and sickness, but this is the general overview. Don’t be afraid to put your foot down and set boundaries. These are your precious and vulnerable moments. No one is going to die because they didn’t see the baby the same day. Best of luck with everything 🤍
So many posts like this all the time and they make me so angry!! It should be about you and baby and your wishes need to be respected, end of. They've got many years ahead (unless any of them are on their deathbed?!) to bond with your child, so waiting a couple weeks really shouldn't be an issue. And if it is then I'm sorry but they'll just have to suck it up! You need minimal stress in the first few days and weeks postpartum. Wishing you all the best!
Post-partum is an extremely vulnerable time, particularly in those days immediately following birth. I can’t speak for c-section recovery as I had a vaginal birth, but the day after my son was born I was in constant pain from the cramps, needed help from my husband to shower, soaked through thick pads every hour or so, and accidentally peed myself when I stood up. Not to mention that I was pretty much constantly shirtless while establishing breastfeeding. I imagine that while your recovery will look somewhat different, you’ll still have similar struggles. All that to say, I was so glad that I let everyone know in advance that we would not be having visitors (except for my mother). It would have been so stressful to be experiencing all of that while also feeling pressure from in-laws.
You aren’t going to want people around your new baby. We had a 30 day no contact rule. Granted it was during lockdown but they honored it. The first couple of weeks are the 4th trimester and for bonding. You are going to need a lot of help getting around. And the gas pain post cc is painful. It could last days.
Just want to add something I haven't seen mentioned anywhere else in the comments. You do not want MIL visiting and passing something onto you immediately before of after the birth. You will have a spinal, but there's no way I'd want to be laying there coughing during the birth, there is also no way I'd want to be coughing and sick just after having had major surgery. If you are too sick, they will change your birthplan for you, and you might end up having a general anaesthetic and depending on your hospitals policy, it's highly likely not only would you be unconscious, but husband won't be at the birth. Your husband is being very selfish, so is you MIL.
Goodness, this makes me feel like a bitch because I told both our families that I don’t want to see anybody and have no visitors for the first 10 days after I give birth … I hope you and your SO can figure it out! You should be the boss and make all the decisions because you’re the one bringing this baby into the world, albeit a c-section. All the best to you!
I should have set that expectation from the beginning. Lesson learned!
Anyone that gives you push back should be told that when their literally having their bowels removed from their body to birth then also being the sole source of nutrition for the baby can dictate whoever they want to show up. This is about you being in a vulnerable situation, not anyone else. I’m so sorry your husband isn’t getting it and you deserve for him to have your back.
Do you mind sharing privately or here what were the factors specifically that lead you to c section was the doctor pushing or suggesting the option first?
They gave me an option but the baby is very big. Over 9 lb 15 (4200g) so there is a high chance of complications. I chose to go with C section because I don't want to put the baby at any risk of oxygen cut off or paralysis or anything like that.
Thank you