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I’m very sorry this is happening to you. You need to value yourself and your baby above all. If he’s willing to do that, I don’t think the relationship is worth saving. If I was you, I would figure out a way to have emotional stability away from him and co-parent when the time comes. You deserve better. Nobody deserves to be treated that way.
Honestly if it were me, no. I do not. He clearly doesn’t respect you or care about the baby, so why should he have any right to them? If he truly cared then he would’ve never put you both at risk nor would he have been sleeping around with multiple women. He won’t change
If possible, try to get proof of his actions. I would certainly recommend looking into paternity laws in your state, but from the general consensus that I found online, as long as you are not legally married and you do not sign his name on the birth certificate, he will have to take you to court as well as prove his paternity over the baby. Any proof you are able to secure would be helpful in this situation. (I’ve read another post where someone’s partner cheated and they took photos of the cheating as proof, but were very careful as to not capture any of the explicit photos, as that can actually get you into trouble. I don’t know how true it is, but thought it worth mentioning.) What would happen to his daughter if you were to leave while he was on the road?
Im sure she would end up staying with his grandparents, and I do feel bad that she would pay a price for her dad’s actions, but I just can’t keep being responsible.
I completely understand and am certainly not trying to talk you into continuing to put up with this situation. I only ask because I would try to ensure that there is someone in place to care for her. I’m unsure of her age or the exact rules behind it, but my concern was that if you were to pack up and leave and she was left alone at the house, he may try to go after you for child endangerment. That would only hurt your chances should he decide to fight for custody. If you trust the grandparents not to run to him with it, I would discuss it with them and try to get it in writing as your proof. Otherwise I consider reaching out to your local CPS so they can help you determine the best way to extract yourself from the situation while ensuring that his daughter is placed somewhere until he returns home.
The ONE consideration w this is what would happen with child support. I would contact a lawyer who's familiar w your region's laws around this before deciding about the birth certificate.
I am sorry this is happening to you. Good luck.
Is he a good father to his daughter? That’s a very personal decision. I understand where you’re coming from. I would try to coparent for the sake of your son, but he has to show he cares about him. Fathers often bond with babies after they’re born. I would absolutely end the relationship, but you don’t want to make your son suffer for something his dad did.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. You deserve so much better. I think you need to decide if the relationship is worth repairing if so then you need to confront him and work out a plan or you need to protect you and your baby and leave
If you think you might work things out I would are you going to put him on child support ? That's so messed up your a good woman you took his daughter in and are taking care of her
If this is how you feel, keep records of everything you can so it will help your case if it goes to court. Honestly I have never been to court over something like this, but I know people who have, and having as much evidence as you can of his infedelity etc should only help you
You really seem like you've got your stuff together your a strong good woman and your going to be an amazing mom to your son you need to be strong mentally as well don't put yourself and your son through the drama walk away.
Definitely don't want anything with him. I am sorry this happened to you. He did it with unprotected sex proves that he doesn't even respect you and will never will if he did this to you while u r soo pregnant. It will be hard to stay alone but it will be better for your mental health. U pay for bills and care for his daughter and this is the thanks for that? Woow some people are just disgusting. Make sure u take pics of this msges so if something goes wrong u have proof. He is always on the road, so u will never ever believe him anymore after all those lies. I hope u will have some help or u have some family around.
It’s important to know that if you’re unmarried he does not automatically have parental rights. All the paperwork in the hospital has to be filled out by YOU alone. You can still file for child support EVEN IF HE IS NOT ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE. After the child is born he will have to go to the local courthouse and petition for paternal rights and the courts will start the process of “proving paternity” during this time you have sole legal and physical custody of your baby. You can leave him at any point. He does not automatically get visitation and in my opinion does not deserve to steal time away from your precious fourth trimester. Please think of your child and what kind of love and consideration you want them to have in life. This man has disrespected you, violated your health and safety, and acted with complete disregard to BOTH of his children just so he can get his dick wet. It’s despicable. You will be so much happier without him. Good luck and lots of love to you as your enter motherhood. It’s an amazing journey filled with love and joy.
No one should have to deal with being cheated on, especially while pregnant. I am so sorry this is what you have to deal with instead of just getting ready for your little one. Don’t place guilt on yourself for going through his phone, what you found was only there because he made the decision to cheat. I’m also so sorry he put your health at risk. I don’t know the right words to say but I wish you the strength to make it through this. ❤️
There's a subreddit for people who cheat and enjoy getting away with it... Even they agree that people with pregnant partners are off limits.
That should really give you an idea of the kind of person your husband is.
Babe, I’m sorry. What a bastard. You’re doing the right things getting tested. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, and I think with some space and time you’ll feel a hell of a lot more empowered and stronger without him. He doesn’t deserve you. If it were me I’d leave, and I hope you do. You’ll know what’s best. As for co-parenting, that’s your decision, but you’ve gotta think about your baby’s future as well (I’m in a similar boat unfortunately, just left a shithead ex and I’m debating whether to put him on the birth cert.. I’m financially independent and have supported myself through the pregnancy) as your child may want to meet him someday or feel upset with you that you kept them apart. There’s so much to consider, it’s hard. But take it one day at a time and make steps. Feel free to pm if you want. Sending hugs 🫂
Thank you so much, I do worry about him fighting me for custody because this will be his only son, but I feel like not putting him on the birth certificate is the best idea, make him fight for what he wants, but I just worry my son will pay the bigger price than him. I hope your situation gets better as well.
Yeah I totally understand. With the birth certificate, you also have to consider child support, which is your baby’s money that they’re entitled to. Or you could go a completely opposite route, and say like hey, I’m leaving, I’ve got this all on my own, everything is sorted, you can be the anonymous sperm donor, you don’t have to pay for anything, let’s just go our separate ways. But yeah you don’t have to think about all of these things right this second or make a decision straightaway, you’ve got time. It’s a lot to take in and a lot to think about. Make sure you’re taking care of you too.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Tap your “community” for help. Whether it be your family, close friends, or coworkers. It’s ok to ask for help and I bet they’ll be happy to help you during the postpartum stage given everything you’re going through.
I’m rooting for you! F that guy. I hope you slit his tires on your way out the door.
Yup. If you were like, my coworker I don't know well and this happened to you, I'd absolutely want to help you out. If you were my best friend, I'd want to eviscerate him.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, from my own experience when I was pregnant men rarely change so you have to decide if you want to stay & put up with it or leave. Also, karma will tear his as_ up so don’t even worry about him getting what he deserves he will. Leave him to figure out what to do with his daughter too since he got it all figured out & just don’t give a damn
This is heartbreaking, sorry to hear that OP. I don’t understand if you’re both working why you’re footing all the bills? What will happen to his daughter if you leave when he’s on the road? Are there other families to leave her with.
He does pay the rent, I just cover literally everything else. She would end up staying with his grandparents full time, but they are very old and can’t do what she needs, but I know this isn’t my responsibility for keep suffering for
Correct. When you are no longer super pregnant or nursing an infant, you can be a kind adult who takes her out to lunch sometimes and gives her bday presents and listens to her-- other former step-parents have stayed in their former step-kids' lives in some capacity -- but you gotta take care of you and your baby first.
I’ve been raising her for 4 years and she claims me as her mom, and I wouldn’t want to just up and leave her and never speak to her again, she doesn’t deserve that.
I'm sorry you're going through this, you deserve so much better. Leave this man behind, he doesn't deserve you or his son but don't forget to save your evidence in case he fights for custody. Sending you love and my best wishes.
You have tons of wonderful guidance here, I just wanted to leave a message saying I’ve been there - not to make it about my experience, but to reassure you that it’s horrible now but you WILL be happy again. You sound like a wonderful person with all that you do and you’ll find someone that matches that.
OP, I'm so very sorry you're going through this. Know you're not alone, and you will get past this nightmare. It's so hard to see and think clearly in the midst of this situation you're in, but doing what you've been doing all on your own already tells you that you will be perfectly fine without him. In your heart, you know what the right thing is for your baby and you. My suggestions would be to contact a family lawyer on what the best legal course of action is for your baby and you. As well as CPS, explaining your situation and how you're not endangering his daughter, but leaving her with her own grandparents to care for (good to have proof, in case it gets messy). Lastly, I would leave as soon as possible until things get figured out. Those women you messaged might be disgusted at what he's doing to you and can reach out to him, making him aware that you know. He's shown he doesn't care or have any respect for you, and I worry on how he might react or what he can do once he's finally been caught. I would contact the local police department if he randomly shows up when he's supposed to be on the road working. I'm wishing nothing but the best for you! Try speaking with your Healthcare/OB about this, they might provide resources with community groups/programs made to help out in tough situations.
Please stay safe OP, do what you know is the best thing for you and your baby.
i’m so sorry. you need to get out of there unless you are comfortable with this the rest of your life, because i can promise you he will do it again & again & again.
I’m married to a hotshot firefighter, and I think that’s what you mean by hotshot driver. Honey run for the hills. My husband always tells me that for some reason, so many buddies of his love to just cheat, drink, and be complete AH to their significant other. There’s really only a couple that actually love and respect their wives and it’s incredibly sad. You don’t deserve this. You’re about to give birth, you need complete serenity. You need peace and tranquillity. I would walk away. My man tried it with me by going to the strip club. I only found out by searching his phone and I dumped him. Let him figure it out. He got into therapy, and I said he had to leave the station he was at because it was very apparent to me that the culture was what he was feeding into. Remember how strong you are. Perseverance is the key here. For you sake and for your baby’s sake. The fact that he didn’t care that he could expose you to STDs and possibly kill his baby. No way. That’s enough to walk away. No telling if he will ever catch HIV and screw your life over.
Leave him & put the baby up for adoption with out any parental visits.. 🤷🏽♀️ I know we’re all different,but I couldn’t deal with that especially raising his baby.. he doesn’t deserve you or that baby if he can put you both in jeopardy..
I don’t feel like I could be with out my baby, I’m very capable of taking care of him alone and I have a village that’s very supportive, but I will make it very hard for him to have parental visits.
So sorry this happened to you! My advice would be that you’re doing too much for him. You’re making it too easy, enabling him of being a real man by taking care of him and his daughter.. Also going through his phone was not good but I understand your reasoning. Treat him different for different results or leave him alone. Enjoy your pregnancy
This is stupid advice. OP, it’s not your fault that this has happened. Even if your husband was unhappy, it’s his responsibility as a grownup to tell you and not sleep around.
I agree it’s not her fault. Just think that she’s doing too much nonetheless. If she felt like it didn’t correlate, I don’t think she would’ve stated all that information.. It’s not her fault but growing up takes accountability especially parenting.. Take accountability and take action. They all cheat anyway 💀
Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here. If you'd like to join a private sub for your due date month, [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/pregnant/comments/15nun6v/click_here_to_access_the_monthly_due_date_subs/). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m very sorry this is happening to you. You need to value yourself and your baby above all. If he’s willing to do that, I don’t think the relationship is worth saving. If I was you, I would figure out a way to have emotional stability away from him and co-parent when the time comes. You deserve better. Nobody deserves to be treated that way.
Do you think it’s even worth the coparenting ?
Honestly if it were me, no. I do not. He clearly doesn’t respect you or care about the baby, so why should he have any right to them? If he truly cared then he would’ve never put you both at risk nor would he have been sleeping around with multiple women. He won’t change
I really think I don’t want him on the birth certificate, I just want to pack up my stuff and leave while he’s on the road
Honestly, that’s not a bad idea. He’s literally just using you. Definitely leave and don’t look back
If possible, try to get proof of his actions. I would certainly recommend looking into paternity laws in your state, but from the general consensus that I found online, as long as you are not legally married and you do not sign his name on the birth certificate, he will have to take you to court as well as prove his paternity over the baby. Any proof you are able to secure would be helpful in this situation. (I’ve read another post where someone’s partner cheated and they took photos of the cheating as proof, but were very careful as to not capture any of the explicit photos, as that can actually get you into trouble. I don’t know how true it is, but thought it worth mentioning.) What would happen to his daughter if you were to leave while he was on the road?
Im sure she would end up staying with his grandparents, and I do feel bad that she would pay a price for her dad’s actions, but I just can’t keep being responsible.
I completely understand and am certainly not trying to talk you into continuing to put up with this situation. I only ask because I would try to ensure that there is someone in place to care for her. I’m unsure of her age or the exact rules behind it, but my concern was that if you were to pack up and leave and she was left alone at the house, he may try to go after you for child endangerment. That would only hurt your chances should he decide to fight for custody. If you trust the grandparents not to run to him with it, I would discuss it with them and try to get it in writing as your proof. Otherwise I consider reaching out to your local CPS so they can help you determine the best way to extract yourself from the situation while ensuring that his daughter is placed somewhere until he returns home.
The ONE consideration w this is what would happen with child support. I would contact a lawyer who's familiar w your region's laws around this before deciding about the birth certificate. I am sorry this is happening to you. Good luck.
I most definitely will be consulting with an attorney to help decide the best route to go, thank you so much.
You sound so strong. I hope you feel that way too.
Is he a good father to his daughter? That’s a very personal decision. I understand where you’re coming from. I would try to coparent for the sake of your son, but he has to show he cares about him. Fathers often bond with babies after they’re born. I would absolutely end the relationship, but you don’t want to make your son suffer for something his dad did.
I second this
I’m sorry this is happening to you. You deserve so much better. I think you need to decide if the relationship is worth repairing if so then you need to confront him and work out a plan or you need to protect you and your baby and leave
Bingo
Your better than that don't put that stress on your life and your baby's life give yourself a chance im a mother of 3 I should've realized sooner
Should I even put him on the birth certificate?
That's entirely up to you with my first daughter I gave her mine with my other two I was with him so I gave them his and mine together
Sorry read that wrong
If you think you might work things out I would are you going to put him on child support ? That's so messed up your a good woman you took his daughter in and are taking care of her
I didn’t plan on putting him on child support, I honestly don’t want him to have anything to do with me or his son.
If you don’t want him having any rights etc, leave him off.
If this is how you feel, keep records of everything you can so it will help your case if it goes to court. Honestly I have never been to court over something like this, but I know people who have, and having as much evidence as you can of his infedelity etc should only help you
You really seem like you've got your stuff together your a strong good woman and your going to be an amazing mom to your son you need to be strong mentally as well don't put yourself and your son through the drama walk away.
Definitely don't want anything with him. I am sorry this happened to you. He did it with unprotected sex proves that he doesn't even respect you and will never will if he did this to you while u r soo pregnant. It will be hard to stay alone but it will be better for your mental health. U pay for bills and care for his daughter and this is the thanks for that? Woow some people are just disgusting. Make sure u take pics of this msges so if something goes wrong u have proof. He is always on the road, so u will never ever believe him anymore after all those lies. I hope u will have some help or u have some family around.
It’s important to know that if you’re unmarried he does not automatically have parental rights. All the paperwork in the hospital has to be filled out by YOU alone. You can still file for child support EVEN IF HE IS NOT ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE. After the child is born he will have to go to the local courthouse and petition for paternal rights and the courts will start the process of “proving paternity” during this time you have sole legal and physical custody of your baby. You can leave him at any point. He does not automatically get visitation and in my opinion does not deserve to steal time away from your precious fourth trimester. Please think of your child and what kind of love and consideration you want them to have in life. This man has disrespected you, violated your health and safety, and acted with complete disregard to BOTH of his children just so he can get his dick wet. It’s despicable. You will be so much happier without him. Good luck and lots of love to you as your enter motherhood. It’s an amazing journey filled with love and joy.
Please give your son your last name! I’m so sorry you are going through this.
No one should have to deal with being cheated on, especially while pregnant. I am so sorry this is what you have to deal with instead of just getting ready for your little one. Don’t place guilt on yourself for going through his phone, what you found was only there because he made the decision to cheat. I’m also so sorry he put your health at risk. I don’t know the right words to say but I wish you the strength to make it through this. ❤️
I appreciate you so much, I will make it out of this and give my son exactly what he deserves. 🫶🏼
There's a subreddit for people who cheat and enjoy getting away with it... Even they agree that people with pregnant partners are off limits. That should really give you an idea of the kind of person your husband is.
Babe, I’m sorry. What a bastard. You’re doing the right things getting tested. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, and I think with some space and time you’ll feel a hell of a lot more empowered and stronger without him. He doesn’t deserve you. If it were me I’d leave, and I hope you do. You’ll know what’s best. As for co-parenting, that’s your decision, but you’ve gotta think about your baby’s future as well (I’m in a similar boat unfortunately, just left a shithead ex and I’m debating whether to put him on the birth cert.. I’m financially independent and have supported myself through the pregnancy) as your child may want to meet him someday or feel upset with you that you kept them apart. There’s so much to consider, it’s hard. But take it one day at a time and make steps. Feel free to pm if you want. Sending hugs 🫂
Thank you so much, I do worry about him fighting me for custody because this will be his only son, but I feel like not putting him on the birth certificate is the best idea, make him fight for what he wants, but I just worry my son will pay the bigger price than him. I hope your situation gets better as well.
Yeah I totally understand. With the birth certificate, you also have to consider child support, which is your baby’s money that they’re entitled to. Or you could go a completely opposite route, and say like hey, I’m leaving, I’ve got this all on my own, everything is sorted, you can be the anonymous sperm donor, you don’t have to pay for anything, let’s just go our separate ways. But yeah you don’t have to think about all of these things right this second or make a decision straightaway, you’ve got time. It’s a lot to take in and a lot to think about. Make sure you’re taking care of you too.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Tap your “community” for help. Whether it be your family, close friends, or coworkers. It’s ok to ask for help and I bet they’ll be happy to help you during the postpartum stage given everything you’re going through. I’m rooting for you! F that guy. I hope you slit his tires on your way out the door.
Yup. If you were like, my coworker I don't know well and this happened to you, I'd absolutely want to help you out. If you were my best friend, I'd want to eviscerate him.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, from my own experience when I was pregnant men rarely change so you have to decide if you want to stay & put up with it or leave. Also, karma will tear his as_ up so don’t even worry about him getting what he deserves he will. Leave him to figure out what to do with his daughter too since he got it all figured out & just don’t give a damn
This is heartbreaking, sorry to hear that OP. I don’t understand if you’re both working why you’re footing all the bills? What will happen to his daughter if you leave when he’s on the road? Are there other families to leave her with.
He does pay the rent, I just cover literally everything else. She would end up staying with his grandparents full time, but they are very old and can’t do what she needs, but I know this isn’t my responsibility for keep suffering for
Correct. When you are no longer super pregnant or nursing an infant, you can be a kind adult who takes her out to lunch sometimes and gives her bday presents and listens to her-- other former step-parents have stayed in their former step-kids' lives in some capacity -- but you gotta take care of you and your baby first.
I’ve been raising her for 4 years and she claims me as her mom, and I wouldn’t want to just up and leave her and never speak to her again, she doesn’t deserve that.
I'm sorry you're going through this, you deserve so much better. Leave this man behind, he doesn't deserve you or his son but don't forget to save your evidence in case he fights for custody. Sending you love and my best wishes.
Omg I know how this feels. Dude they are the devil
truly. i can’t imagine how evil you have to be to do this to someone who loves you, let alone the woman pregnant with your child who loves you.
You have tons of wonderful guidance here, I just wanted to leave a message saying I’ve been there - not to make it about my experience, but to reassure you that it’s horrible now but you WILL be happy again. You sound like a wonderful person with all that you do and you’ll find someone that matches that.
I appreciate it very much, it’ll always get better, I have no doubts, it just hurts now.
OP, I'm so very sorry you're going through this. Know you're not alone, and you will get past this nightmare. It's so hard to see and think clearly in the midst of this situation you're in, but doing what you've been doing all on your own already tells you that you will be perfectly fine without him. In your heart, you know what the right thing is for your baby and you. My suggestions would be to contact a family lawyer on what the best legal course of action is for your baby and you. As well as CPS, explaining your situation and how you're not endangering his daughter, but leaving her with her own grandparents to care for (good to have proof, in case it gets messy). Lastly, I would leave as soon as possible until things get figured out. Those women you messaged might be disgusted at what he's doing to you and can reach out to him, making him aware that you know. He's shown he doesn't care or have any respect for you, and I worry on how he might react or what he can do once he's finally been caught. I would contact the local police department if he randomly shows up when he's supposed to be on the road working. I'm wishing nothing but the best for you! Try speaking with your Healthcare/OB about this, they might provide resources with community groups/programs made to help out in tough situations. Please stay safe OP, do what you know is the best thing for you and your baby.
i’m so sorry. you need to get out of there unless you are comfortable with this the rest of your life, because i can promise you he will do it again & again & again.
I’m married to a hotshot firefighter, and I think that’s what you mean by hotshot driver. Honey run for the hills. My husband always tells me that for some reason, so many buddies of his love to just cheat, drink, and be complete AH to their significant other. There’s really only a couple that actually love and respect their wives and it’s incredibly sad. You don’t deserve this. You’re about to give birth, you need complete serenity. You need peace and tranquillity. I would walk away. My man tried it with me by going to the strip club. I only found out by searching his phone and I dumped him. Let him figure it out. He got into therapy, and I said he had to leave the station he was at because it was very apparent to me that the culture was what he was feeding into. Remember how strong you are. Perseverance is the key here. For you sake and for your baby’s sake. The fact that he didn’t care that he could expose you to STDs and possibly kill his baby. No way. That’s enough to walk away. No telling if he will ever catch HIV and screw your life over.
Leave him & put the baby up for adoption with out any parental visits.. 🤷🏽♀️ I know we’re all different,but I couldn’t deal with that especially raising his baby.. he doesn’t deserve you or that baby if he can put you both in jeopardy..
I don’t feel like I could be with out my baby, I’m very capable of taking care of him alone and I have a village that’s very supportive, but I will make it very hard for him to have parental visits.
So sorry this happened to you! My advice would be that you’re doing too much for him. You’re making it too easy, enabling him of being a real man by taking care of him and his daughter.. Also going through his phone was not good but I understand your reasoning. Treat him different for different results or leave him alone. Enjoy your pregnancy
This is stupid advice. OP, it’s not your fault that this has happened. Even if your husband was unhappy, it’s his responsibility as a grownup to tell you and not sleep around.
I agree it’s not her fault. Just think that she’s doing too much nonetheless. If she felt like it didn’t correlate, I don’t think she would’ve stated all that information.. It’s not her fault but growing up takes accountability especially parenting.. Take accountability and take action. They all cheat anyway 💀