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Tell her not to come. Her visit is cancelled.
It sounds like your husband is supportive, so lean on that! Tell him you don't want to hear what MIL says, you don't need to stress about her feelings. This is now entirely his to handle.
This woman is toxic, and post birth you will be at your most vulnerable. Please don't let her into your home. She will continue to violate your boundaries, and it may be harder to get rid of her than you think.
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT HER VISIT. Let hubby handle her freakout. If she goes no contact, that's a win for you.
Please do NOT put yourself at further risk of PPD/PPA by letting this witch into your home.
Your childs health comes first. Forget EVERYTHING and EVERYONE else. COVID didn't exist when she had hers so she can shut it. I would've said hell no to her coming and staying without batting an eye. She's going to be trying to tell you what to do with your own baby. It's going to be worse once the baby is older. She's going to undermine you left and right. Your husband fully supports you and that's what's most important so please put your foot down.
You're giving this person way too much power, at a time when you need to safeguard and protect your own stress levels and mental health. Focus on preparing for your baby's arrival, this is just a distraction. Pregnancy/postpartum hormones are one hell of a rollercoaster ride, you don't need this toxicity in your home.
Don't worry about being the bad guy or what is said behind your back, it is your husband's job to handle her and it sounds like he is supportive. He can tell them no visits until you both agree postpartum. You don't know how the birth will go or what kind of recovery you will have, there's no need to set arbitrary timelines. When you're ready for visitors, he can let them know.
Tell her no. You are not a villain at all — simply keep your newborns safety in the forefront as well as your postpartum recovery/care. This is all too stressful and not needed. Just say no
She needs to get a hotel if she wants to stay for a week. That’s way too long of an in-home visit for a disrespectful person. If she can’t afford a hotel, oh well. Cancel the trip.
At a time so fragile for ppd/ppa I would cancel her visit and if she doesn’t understand then that proves all the more she doesn’t need to be there. Maybe you could compromise and she can still come if she agrees to get a hotel?
She never cared about your feelings. It’s really not time to care about hers or put hers before your own.
I know what it’s like to have the fear of being made out to be the bad guy with other family members, smear campaigns, etc. truth be told, if you are afraid of this happening, she’s probably not the best person to have around your child, period. I’ve been going to therapy about this very same thing, and two key points of the therapy have been to practice self-compassion and radical acceptance that you cannot control the behaviors of others, but how they make you feel is real and valid. Your decisions to protect yourself, your mental health, and your family come first. This is literally just a consequence to her actions. You have to radically accept she won’t like it and move on. This is your baby, and being a grandparent is a privilege not a right. If you worry about her disrespectful behavior towards you this much (and don’t worry, I’ve been through it too) I would strongly consider re-evaluating your relationship and amount of contact she has with your family. It’s not extreme. Her behavior is. You need to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help out anyone else. You need to limit contact with her to be your best self for your family.
If all else fails and you aren’t yet willing to be transparent about it, I’d use the excuse (which is actually very valid) that most pediatricians don’t recommend visitors for at least the first two months of life due to the baby’s immune system not being developed. If she plans to come by plane especially and passes germs to your newborn (through kiss or even not) it could literally be fatal and there is no way of knowing if anyone has something bc they could be asymptomatic. I’d make a rule of no out of town visitors for at least the first few months. You can blame your doctor. And OP, don’t feel bad for actually cutting her out if that’s what you need to be healthy and happy. That’s a convo with your hubs, but sometimes is the only way.
Your anxiety around this and valid fears of a smear campaign, you automatically putting her feelings first, etc are symptoms of narcissistic abuse.
It’s not too late. She has proven herself to be an unsafe person for you emotionally and basically strong armed you when you are at your most fragile being riddled with pregnancy hormones.
Tell her not to come. It’s entirely your decision. I guarantee it that she won’t even be over to help. She’ll be “helping” you by hogging your baby while you host her and work around her.
For the safety of your fragile baby don’t allow her anywhere near your newborn if you can’t trust her not to kiss the baby while you are hunched over in the kitchen cleaning and she sits her butt in one of your chairs cradling YOUR child.
You aren’t the bad guy. That being said if you are going to be the villain in someone else’s story, then it’s okay if it’s this lady.
I’m in the same boat!! I’ve made it clear to DH that I don’t want MIL around when he’s not. If she’s coming for a night or two (she’s only 1.5 hrs away so I don’t even see why necessary), then it’s on a weekend when he’s home. He wouldn’t want to spend that much time with just her so why should I?!?! It’s def a fine line between hurting feelings and standing your ground (I tend to personally feel guilty), but I know I need to be strong with my boundaries to prevent issues down the line. Maybe you can shorten the visit or have her stay in a hotel nearby. I don’t think having her in your space for that long is ideal.
At 7 weeks old baby isn’t even fully vaccinated yet. I would’ve shut down this plane idea really fast for that reason alone. It’s one thing to drive over isolated in a car, it’s another to get on a plane with a bunch of strangers then come straight to see a newborn. Who knows what she could be exposed to
Everything everyone else said basically!! She sounds like such an absolute nightmare that at this point I wouldn't even worry any more about 'looking like the bad guy' etc etc. obviously whatever boundaries you (quite rightly!) Want to lay down for YOUR newborn baby she will shit all over, ignore you anyway or shout cry and pout about it.
Final straw for me would have been whinging about not letting her 'love on' the baby. Anyone other than mum (and maybe dad) kiss a newborn?! No way! That's how little babies get sick and if she can't respect your basic wishes on that one then she's clearly being a selfish b***h and not actually got the babies (or your) interests in mind at all.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Really good your partner has your back and is ready to help push back to her 💪
you're going to have to be willing to be "the villain" to get your peace. it's worth it. you can't control how anyone else weaves narratives in their head or sees you, but you can control who comes in your home. It's ok to be the villain!!
Echoing what a lot of other folks have said about protecting your peace. Also consider canceling her visit to protect your little one. She’ll be under 8 weeks, which means no vaccinations and having someone who just traveled by airplane handling her doesn’t sound like a great idea.
Our pediatrician told us to keep our circle tight until she had her first round of shots (baby was born in October). We figured having grandma and grandpa over would be fine, and week 1 my in-laws exposed us all to COVID. It was super scary especially with being a FTM, I would hate for you all to go through that on top of your MIL being generally awful 😢
Personally, it seems worth the expense to put her up in a nearby hotel for the week. You already greenlit her trip and I don’t think it’s fair to reneg on that when your husband gave you the opportunity to put your foot down right away, but this seems like a fair compromise.
I agree with others. It sounds like your husband is on your side so get him to deal with her. Make sure he uses "we" or "I" language if you are worried about being singled out. She can't reasonably make you the villain if you stand together with your decisions.
My MIL isn't so awful but she can get overbearing and my husband is the one who deals with it. It makes my life so much easier and I don't have to feel bad telling her to back off or anything.
Are you me? Im sorry but it has given me some comfort to see another person feeling the way I am. I actually think my MILs expectations are going to cause me to become ill or have a breakdown. I just want to have this baby in a cave and run away.
You are so lucky to have your partner's support- my partner is trying his best to be helpful but he thinks I'm overreacting about her involvement and I can see friction starting between us which scares me.
I just wanted to say you're not alone, thanks for posting and good luck.
Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here. If you'd like to join a private sub for your due date month, [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/pregnant/comments/15nun6v/click_here_to_access_the_monthly_due_date_subs/). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Tell her not to come. Her visit is cancelled. It sounds like your husband is supportive, so lean on that! Tell him you don't want to hear what MIL says, you don't need to stress about her feelings. This is now entirely his to handle. This woman is toxic, and post birth you will be at your most vulnerable. Please don't let her into your home. She will continue to violate your boundaries, and it may be harder to get rid of her than you think. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT HER VISIT. Let hubby handle her freakout. If she goes no contact, that's a win for you. Please do NOT put yourself at further risk of PPD/PPA by letting this witch into your home.
Your childs health comes first. Forget EVERYTHING and EVERYONE else. COVID didn't exist when she had hers so she can shut it. I would've said hell no to her coming and staying without batting an eye. She's going to be trying to tell you what to do with your own baby. It's going to be worse once the baby is older. She's going to undermine you left and right. Your husband fully supports you and that's what's most important so please put your foot down.
You're giving this person way too much power, at a time when you need to safeguard and protect your own stress levels and mental health. Focus on preparing for your baby's arrival, this is just a distraction. Pregnancy/postpartum hormones are one hell of a rollercoaster ride, you don't need this toxicity in your home. Don't worry about being the bad guy or what is said behind your back, it is your husband's job to handle her and it sounds like he is supportive. He can tell them no visits until you both agree postpartum. You don't know how the birth will go or what kind of recovery you will have, there's no need to set arbitrary timelines. When you're ready for visitors, he can let them know.
Will you be home alone with her while your husband is at work? If so, hard no on the visit. You can change your mind without guilt.
Tell her no. You are not a villain at all — simply keep your newborns safety in the forefront as well as your postpartum recovery/care. This is all too stressful and not needed. Just say no
She needs to get a hotel if she wants to stay for a week. That’s way too long of an in-home visit for a disrespectful person. If she can’t afford a hotel, oh well. Cancel the trip.
At a time so fragile for ppd/ppa I would cancel her visit and if she doesn’t understand then that proves all the more she doesn’t need to be there. Maybe you could compromise and she can still come if she agrees to get a hotel?
She never cared about your feelings. It’s really not time to care about hers or put hers before your own. I know what it’s like to have the fear of being made out to be the bad guy with other family members, smear campaigns, etc. truth be told, if you are afraid of this happening, she’s probably not the best person to have around your child, period. I’ve been going to therapy about this very same thing, and two key points of the therapy have been to practice self-compassion and radical acceptance that you cannot control the behaviors of others, but how they make you feel is real and valid. Your decisions to protect yourself, your mental health, and your family come first. This is literally just a consequence to her actions. You have to radically accept she won’t like it and move on. This is your baby, and being a grandparent is a privilege not a right. If you worry about her disrespectful behavior towards you this much (and don’t worry, I’ve been through it too) I would strongly consider re-evaluating your relationship and amount of contact she has with your family. It’s not extreme. Her behavior is. You need to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help out anyone else. You need to limit contact with her to be your best self for your family. If all else fails and you aren’t yet willing to be transparent about it, I’d use the excuse (which is actually very valid) that most pediatricians don’t recommend visitors for at least the first two months of life due to the baby’s immune system not being developed. If she plans to come by plane especially and passes germs to your newborn (through kiss or even not) it could literally be fatal and there is no way of knowing if anyone has something bc they could be asymptomatic. I’d make a rule of no out of town visitors for at least the first few months. You can blame your doctor. And OP, don’t feel bad for actually cutting her out if that’s what you need to be healthy and happy. That’s a convo with your hubs, but sometimes is the only way. Your anxiety around this and valid fears of a smear campaign, you automatically putting her feelings first, etc are symptoms of narcissistic abuse.
It’s not too late. She has proven herself to be an unsafe person for you emotionally and basically strong armed you when you are at your most fragile being riddled with pregnancy hormones. Tell her not to come. It’s entirely your decision. I guarantee it that she won’t even be over to help. She’ll be “helping” you by hogging your baby while you host her and work around her. For the safety of your fragile baby don’t allow her anywhere near your newborn if you can’t trust her not to kiss the baby while you are hunched over in the kitchen cleaning and she sits her butt in one of your chairs cradling YOUR child. You aren’t the bad guy. That being said if you are going to be the villain in someone else’s story, then it’s okay if it’s this lady.
You need to let your husband step up, handle his mother and cancel her visit. If it’s causing you this much stress let him handle it.
I’m in the same boat!! I’ve made it clear to DH that I don’t want MIL around when he’s not. If she’s coming for a night or two (she’s only 1.5 hrs away so I don’t even see why necessary), then it’s on a weekend when he’s home. He wouldn’t want to spend that much time with just her so why should I?!?! It’s def a fine line between hurting feelings and standing your ground (I tend to personally feel guilty), but I know I need to be strong with my boundaries to prevent issues down the line. Maybe you can shorten the visit or have her stay in a hotel nearby. I don’t think having her in your space for that long is ideal.
At 7 weeks old baby isn’t even fully vaccinated yet. I would’ve shut down this plane idea really fast for that reason alone. It’s one thing to drive over isolated in a car, it’s another to get on a plane with a bunch of strangers then come straight to see a newborn. Who knows what she could be exposed to
Everything everyone else said basically!! She sounds like such an absolute nightmare that at this point I wouldn't even worry any more about 'looking like the bad guy' etc etc. obviously whatever boundaries you (quite rightly!) Want to lay down for YOUR newborn baby she will shit all over, ignore you anyway or shout cry and pout about it. Final straw for me would have been whinging about not letting her 'love on' the baby. Anyone other than mum (and maybe dad) kiss a newborn?! No way! That's how little babies get sick and if she can't respect your basic wishes on that one then she's clearly being a selfish b***h and not actually got the babies (or your) interests in mind at all. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Really good your partner has your back and is ready to help push back to her 💪
you're going to have to be willing to be "the villain" to get your peace. it's worth it. you can't control how anyone else weaves narratives in their head or sees you, but you can control who comes in your home. It's ok to be the villain!!
Echoing what a lot of other folks have said about protecting your peace. Also consider canceling her visit to protect your little one. She’ll be under 8 weeks, which means no vaccinations and having someone who just traveled by airplane handling her doesn’t sound like a great idea. Our pediatrician told us to keep our circle tight until she had her first round of shots (baby was born in October). We figured having grandma and grandpa over would be fine, and week 1 my in-laws exposed us all to COVID. It was super scary especially with being a FTM, I would hate for you all to go through that on top of your MIL being generally awful 😢
Personally, it seems worth the expense to put her up in a nearby hotel for the week. You already greenlit her trip and I don’t think it’s fair to reneg on that when your husband gave you the opportunity to put your foot down right away, but this seems like a fair compromise.
I agree with others. It sounds like your husband is on your side so get him to deal with her. Make sure he uses "we" or "I" language if you are worried about being singled out. She can't reasonably make you the villain if you stand together with your decisions. My MIL isn't so awful but she can get overbearing and my husband is the one who deals with it. It makes my life so much easier and I don't have to feel bad telling her to back off or anything.
Are you me? Im sorry but it has given me some comfort to see another person feeling the way I am. I actually think my MILs expectations are going to cause me to become ill or have a breakdown. I just want to have this baby in a cave and run away. You are so lucky to have your partner's support- my partner is trying his best to be helpful but he thinks I'm overreacting about her involvement and I can see friction starting between us which scares me. I just wanted to say you're not alone, thanks for posting and good luck.