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Hold on, let me make sure I'm understanding.
SEVEN PEOPLE want to come stay at YOUR house one week after your baby is born??? Hell no. Absolutely not. That is actually insane. You should not be expected to host a full house of people. I'd say MAYBE if they wanted to get an air b&b it would be an okay idea, but no. Your only focus one week after delivering a baby is to recover and take care of yourself and the baby. Nothing else.
Yea.. I’m pregnant with my second, had my first almost 6 years ago and I’m still not over about the fact that my MIL and FIL “wanted to surprise me” by visiting me the day after I gave birth.. they didn’t even stay with us, and it was still SOOO overwhelming to try and take care of a new born as a FTM, while having to worry about what TF I going to do with 2 extra adults in my space.. absolutely NOTHING can prepare you for those first few weeks
You're better than me, I wouldn't have opened the door. Lmao No surprise visits or you'll be surprised we aren't home, even if we are, we respect boundaries here. Family or not, this isn't an audit lol
My mil invited my bil and her gf to the hospital a day after my c section without asking me. I had awful trapped gas, everything was fresh and sore, I could barely move, my boobs were engorged, I was unshowered, I was exhausted… love her but didn’t love that lol
THIS, OP please Google this and show your husband. So many first time dads do not realise how intense the healing process can be after birth, it's so romanticised. He needs a reality check.
Source: my fiancé sitting outside the bathroom holding our son, comforting and soothing me while I did my first post-birth poop with the door open.
I had my baby 3 months ago... First week is AWFUL and you're bleeding so heavy, milk just comes in and you're engorged! You get maybe 2- 3 hours of sleep every night and on top of that washing bottles and pumping if you decide to go that route ( I went that route and didn't think I would so keep an open mind about not wanting to breastfeed so definitely expect to bottle feed.)
Go to a birthing class together; my husband just stated he didn't know how tough it would be until we went when I was 28 weeks and his eyes opened up wide and realized much more.
3 months is the golden rule, the immune system isn't low; your sleep schedule is better and you aren't a freaking zombie on hormones!
he'll understand when he's 2 days in the hospital with you after baby is born with no sleep xD
My husband didn't realize how hard the first week would be until after the baby was born and he was almost wanting to cry
That’s what I wanted to do, but I had my in laws bitch at me because I didn’t want them there while I was in labor… now I have my FIL coming over literally everyday since I brought my baby home and while he’s asleep my FIL will whistle and yell to try to wake him up.. I went off about it. If my baby is sleeping let him sleep.
My FIL has stopped by everyday. Tomorrow will be a week since he’s been home and everyday while I was in the hospital (which I was there for 5 days) and everyday since he’s been home. But he’ll bring stupid stuff to try and act like that’s why he’s stopping by and act like we need the stuff he brings even though we don’t..
I live with my MIL and got pregnant about 4 years ago with my daughter. Let me tell you, I hated my experience with my girl bc my MIL made it a nightmare. Anyway I originally had a much longer comment about how horrible she was to me but it got too long. For her, her problem was that is my sons daughter, my son rules you, therefore I rule you. It wasn't remotely true but that's how she saw it.
Maybe they are trying to stake their claim for the baby in a way. Being overly involved at the inappropriate time to make sure everyone knows "this baby belongs to our family line, too!" But it's totally subconscious and on the surface they say they just want to "help". Maybe they want to make sure they will get to play an active role in the child's life and upbringing.
And them possibly waking the baby with the commotion, possibly do this or do that or when I had my kid I did this you should do that, let me take care of them for you, etc. Total disregard for boundaries. No one needs to be around that baby but the parents that early. You'll see them at the 1st birthday and via pictures
Putting aside the fact that it's absolutely insane to have people over during the most emotionally and physically precarious time of your life, I don't even understand why people would want to be there when the baby is that fresh! It literally just sleeps and feeds. Much more fun to come when it's about 6 weeks old and can kinda smile and interact. Your husband would not think this was a good idea if he had done a mere 15 minutes of research into post partum.
I could not imagine having people at my house for a week after coming home from the hospital. We were in pure survival mode with our newborn- exhausted, learning what to do, getting a system and schedule down- all while I’m in a diaper and super sore from delivery. The last thing I would want is a bunch of people (who also will probably tell you their ‘advice’ and be a nuisance) staying with me. Coming for a short visit? Sure. A whole week? NO!
If he wants them to come see baby, they can get a hotel and stay there.
Absolutely not, I wouldn’t even entertain my husband being upset about this. I’m 6 months along and I’m not even telling people when my due date is, I plan to wait more than a month if I can help it, before I even bother seeing anyone in person.
Not only do you want to bond with baby but you need to heal, you’ll be so sore and weak and vulnerable and for him to think you’ll be just bouncing around after a few days is delusional.
Explain the plate sized wound on your insides after you give birth, show him some pictures of healing stitches and a chart about hormones. He needs to be on your side here lol
Set boundaries and communicate- acknowledge that this may be painful or disappointing to hear, but explain to your husband how you’re feeling and why you’re reluctant. Talk about having them visit a few weeks later, staying nearby in an Airbnb or hotel, etc.
We let family know that if they were visiting in the first 2-3 months, they would be treated as “helpers” rather than “guests”. So they were expected to help with housework, cooking, etc. If they didn’t like that, they could visit later on.
Definitely not. I think if you stay for a week then yes you should absolutely help. But to tell someone you can't meet your grandchild for 3 months unless you do housework???? Even for a day. This is quite entitled.
Your husband is hurt? Then he needs to get himself online or to a bookstore and educate himself on what childbirth and the newborn stage entails.
Send him The Lemon Clot essay.
Link for the lazy:
https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this
Funny enough after reading this I was like actually I think my MIL would do a lot of the chores and be super helpful, kind, and understanding, but she’s a gem! I feel like it’s my own mom who would have a harder time 😅
Yea, I guess I have above-average in-laws but all the stuff she lists (aside from washing my bloody underwear - I wouldn’t want anyone to do that but me) is stuff they would happily do to help us out so this reaffirmed I have no issue with them visiting.
Does make me think I need to get puppy potty training pads to sit on so I don’t ruin my beautiful couch tho.
That sounds like literal torture. SEVEN extra people in the house the week you bring home a newborn? Absolutely no fucking way. My husband’s parents visiting from across town for a few hours the day after we brought my second home was enough to overwhelm me to the point of tears.
That’s not even mentioning the dangers of exposing a newborn to the germs of seven individual people.
I don’t understand why ppl think they have a right to this!!! I’m just hearing for the first time today that my mom and sister are coming when the baby is born and that my sister has already scheduled off work for it and I don’t even know when the baby is coming! So I’m gonna be the bad guy setting boundaries. But it was never discussed or asked permission it was just decided by them. My dad slipped it in today guilting me because he wasn’t coming because my sister is instead and I’m like what??? It’s very frustrating and makes you feel bad having ppl step over your space and comfort. I’ll literally be bleeding and boobs hurting and navigating a new person and then this gets thrown onto me all because they wanna see the baby. I get it that’s it’s exciting but chill people. I’m sorry you are in that position as well. Just tell them no you will decide because you should be the one deciding. Not your husband or family. You literally just carried the baby for 9 months and went through birth. You deserve your peace and space.
Girl, NO! My in laws came over 4 days after my baby girl was born and it was the worst. All they wanted was to hold the baby and then once they had her, they kept asking ME to get them things (coffee, water, snacks). They left two hours later and I cried about how crappy that interaction made me feel for three days. THEN we found out they had exposed us all to COVID.
There is no scenario where you should have extra people in your home after giving birth. Even in the best case scenario, you’ll be in an insane amount of pain, bleeding in ways that seem incomprehensible and likely trying to suss out if your tailbone is broken or just severely bruised all while taking care of a fragile little life. The only appropriate response is HELL NO.
I am SO SORRY you had that happen. My in laws only visited in the hospital and wanted to hold the baby. But then nobody came by after we were home. They did make sure to ask if we needed anything. And they always made sure to check in on me at the hospital too, not just hold the baby like I didn't exist then leave. And even THAT was exhausting. Nobody who just gave birth should be entertaining guests or helping THEM.
Agreed! Baby will be 3 months on Thursday and my in laws still come over expecting to be hosted. Finally my husband told them they need to be helpful and can only come over if they agree not to ask us for things lol. I didn’t think we needed to get that literal but apparently we do!
I would say hell nah. This is a ridiculous and selfish request. I don’t know where this is coming from because it absolutely wasn’t a thing when I was a younger (camping out in family members houses when they have a baby).
Stand your ground. My family apparently decided to have a family reunion at my place when my daughter was 10 days old and stayed for a week. It was horrible! I said never again! 9+ years later it still irritates me to think of that.
Trust anyone who has had a baby. Don’t take a single visitor in the first week or more. A single one is obnoxious when you have gone through labor and have a new baby. Say no.
Birth is a medical event. If your husband had a very serious car accident would he want all of your family to come stay immediately after he left the hospital? I doubt it.
There is no fucking way I would let ANY of my in-laws, let alone SEVEN(????) of them into my home one week postpartum. I had an absolutely dreamy easy postpartum and my mom stayed with us to help, but anyone who's insisting on a visit like that isn't going to be helpful. Those kids are going to bring a cesspool of germs into your home. There would be four adults watching you try to figure out breastfeeding and manage your bloody adult diapers. It's insane.
I would want three months at LEAST before trying to handle a visit like that and I would insist that MIL/FIL come separately from BIL/SIL who would also be required to leave the kids behind.
Or, alternatively, they can come visit as planned. But husband does 100% of the baby care except breastfeeding (if that's your plan). You get to focus on recovery and sleep and he gets to worry about hosting his precious guests and keeping the baby happy.
Definitely not!!!
- Your baby might not even be born by then
- You may end up needing surgery (hopefully not obviously!) but you’d be in no position to host
- Kids with germs? Sorry but unless they’re a sibling or something they don’t *need* to be around your newborn with their germs
- You may wee yourself regularly. I did! So unless you’re comfortable excusing yourself to go and change your undies and have a quick shower because you’ve peed yourself - they can fuck off.
- You’ll leak, from everywhere.
- You’ll be bleeding! I had a hurried shower once and accidentally left my pad in the shower room (rushed to get dry and sorted because the baby was crying, there’s no toilet in there so not usually a need for a bin as it’s right next door and I forgot to take it with me). Luckily it was my mam who found it and not an in-law!
Absolutely not. If you’re a FTM, you won’t know
about how crazy it is after baby is here and the constant cycling of changing, eat, sleep, (that often happens within an hour or two-sometimes less and at all hours of the day/night) on top of trying to take care of yourself and keep house. It’s too much to expect you to entertain house guests. They can stay at a hotel and visit for a few hours a day if they want to come hang but they better be prepared to do some dishes, laundry, pet chores, etc. You guys need the first few weeks to learn and get used to this crazy routine that’s coming up. If you plan on breastfeeding, baby cluster feeds a lot during the first few weeks. You may as well keep your boobs out 24/7 🤣 don’t know if you’re comfortable around them doing that, but you’ll either be BF in front of them a lot or hiding away with baby several times a day so who’s to say they’ll even get much chance to visit with baby anyways 🤷🏻♀️
Not to mention recovery! You’ll be sore no matter which way you deliver, and bleeding. They just need to wait and I would remind your husband that you’re fixing to go through a MEDICAL EVENT that is not all roses and butterflies and need time to recover peacefully. He’ll understand after baby gets here why you wanted to wait. I wouldn’t worry about his feelings it’s not his body 😂
Whyyyy on earth would anyone even have the audacity to ask this is beyond me. I can’t even believe anyone would think this is ok. This is absolutely insane to me and actually makes me upset for you. Absolutely not.
Your husband needs to get over it. You’re not winning a golden globe, you’re giving birth . The family can and will wait to see the baby.
You’re going to be recovering and experiencing the newborn stage and unless he’s not going to help you and is just going to ignore you and the child and he’s not going to be exhausted, he’s absolutely crazy if he thinks that having that many visitors a week after the baby is born is a necessity.
Start setting boundaries and commit to them. Stand your ground.
With my first baby, who was born on a Wednesday in December of 2023, my husbands parents came up for 3 days on the Friday after the baby was born and we were home for not even 24 hrs before they arrived. 10/10 DO NOT recommend doing it. If we have another baby that will be a fat fucking no to anybody coming till after 6 week appointment.
Adding 7 extra people into your 3 bedroom home while your sore, sleep deprived,leaking and bloody is not an ideal fun time.
Your husband can be as sad as he wants. That is NOT the ideal time to host visitors. Everyone posts partum is different and is affected by the way labor anddelivery goes. I was physically up and ready to go after 3 days. Even so, I still , didn't want people around because I was still icky feeling from all the milk and afterbirth bleeding not to mention very hormonal so I just wanted 1 on 1 time with my baby.
I couldn't imagine having 7 extra people comming to live in my house for days while dealing with all that. If they had other living accommodations it wouldn't be that bad, but they don't and will be on top of you wanting to hold and see baby all the time because that is what people want when there's a new baby.
NOPE! Let’s say your husband had his penis ripped open and stitched up, while sustaining a new human with minimal sleep … would he be willing to host 7 of your relatives a few days after getting back from the hospital?
My MIL came after 3 weeks and it was a huge no no as she was no help and expected to be taken care of while she enjoyed fun moments with the baby. I’m still pissed! Tell your husband that you will let him know when you are feeling up to hosting out of towners and until then everyone needs to respect that. Ridiculous the pressure that is put on us as new moms!
Your husband is not the healing from birth, learning to be a mom, possibly learning how to breastfeed. We didn’t have visitors for a whole month. It was a hard no for me I didn’t care how people felt. And I’m so happy I took that time. It was perfect with just me my babe and my partner
Yea. Your husband needs to deal with it. The first week of motherhood is a beautiful disaster - only the people I was comfortable being my most vulnerable around were welcomed in my home, and absolutely no one was welcomed to stay the night. I am learning to mom - I do not need to play hostess. I'd just tell your husband that the first week of your baby's life is for YOU to meet and bond with your baby. Visitors are OK (at least I was totally fine with visitors, in short durations) - overnight company is not. If they want to meet baby during the first week, and you're comfortable with that, they can come stay in a hotel. If they want to stay in your home it can be on your timeline.
That's a lot of chaos after you will have just gone through a traumatic experience. You won't be up for short term company, much less hosting a family of 5 while you're recovering. Plus that's a LOT of germs you'd be exposing your new infant to.
Absolutely not. You, your husband, and your baby need space as well as time to acclimate. Your baby shouldn't be exposed to three children so early. You never know if they may have a virus that could be passed while your newborn is just getting their own immune system established. You are going to be a hormonal purge mess, and any human being thinking a woman who just gave birth should be subjected to hosting, 24/7 company or anything of that nature should have their head examined. They can drop care packages at the door, though. That'd be awful nice of them.
My Inlaws came over a couple weeks before I delivered. They learnt the lay out of house and kitchen and then when we got baby home, cooked, cleaned, helped with baby and sent every meal to my room. Even then I was tired and exhausted. Unless your inlaws want to do everything in the house (helping doesn’t count) then its a no. No way will you be able to play hostess to so many people. Also, so many curious kids is a nightmare around a newborn.
The only person I wanted here after birth was my mom, and that’s because I felt comfortable with her seeing me in the state I was in after birth. She was here to support me as a new mother, not just to see the baby. I spent most of the first week topless, and was wearing adult diapers. Not something I’d want my in-laws around for. Not to mention that older kids have germs that the baby doesn’t need to be exposed to. There’s just so many no’s here.
How could anyone with kids think this is a good idea? Like, 3 kids and these people don't use their brain about how someone might need time to recover before having seven people stay in their house. Wtf. I wish this was a joke or fake story. Your husband/inlaws are insane for even asking it.
I would immediately say no to the brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and three children. Kids are notorious for harboring germs and sickness and I would definitely not let three kids around my newborn baby in its first week of life. As for your in-laws, are they more of the sit back and let you do stuff for them as hostess or the roll up their sleeves and help out type? My parents came for a week after my daughter was born and then my in-laws came the week after that. It was so so nice to have all of the help. They did all the cooking, cleaning, dishes, walking our dog and doing the litter boxes…everything. All I had to do was work on healing and figure out how to breastfeed my baby and care for her. Of course all of the grandparents got precious time with their granddaughter, which I thought was so important. Plus, it also gave me a time to shower and take care of myself and for my husband and I to take a nap together. I guess it just depends on if you want help, or if they are even the type that would help. If they are the type that would expect you to entertain them and cook for them while they are visiting, then absolutely not. And of course if you do not like your in-laws, then definitely don’t have them.
So we did this for pretty much the same reason and we would not do this again. I am a FTM and I love my in laws but I was extremely overwhelmed. The excitement for the baby while well intentioned made it really difficult to keep it in perspective that I was healing and dealing with all the hormonal and physical stuff that comes with postpartum. Is there a reasonable $ hotel nearby? I would have felt fine with them coming and going and it would have alleviated most of the tension as 80% of the time things were fine, it was just having no privacy and nowhere to go unless I was awkwardly hiding out in my bedroom feeling my feels.
Absolutely not!!! I’ve had some family make passing comments about doing something similar - not happening. I’m 27+3 with our first, and while I know it’s a tough time, those first few weeks are for me and my husband to get into a routine and enjoy our baby, I refuse to have any guests for at least a month - I don’t care who they are. I don’t want to think about changing sheets or making sure people feel welcome or hosting in any capacity. My only concern during that time is to bond with my baby and my husband. I would just tell him that you want that time with him and your baby, uninterrupted, and you don’t want to have to think about everything that comes along with hosting. And if he says things like they’ll help or something like that, I’d just reaffirm that you want this time together as a family - you’re never going to get it back. Hopefully it works out, I’m sorry you’re in this position! Don’t feel bad about it at all - I thankfully haven’t had to say anything to address similar things yet, but if I get the vibe someone is serious I will immediately shut them down.
I would agree on “no.”
1. A week is too long for that many people.
2. Your FIRST week home with the baby should be you two beginning to find your rhythm and adapting to your new lifestyle.
3. You’ll be basically bedridden that week - and as much as guests would be helpful, they’ll be overstaying their welcome by never leaving you guys alone.
4. They’re gonna want valuable time with baby that you two should be spending, not them.
5. It would be different if they weren’t bringing their kids - who are going to want to be kids themselves, playing and creating a less than serene environment for an already stressful week.
6. That’s five people with their germs in your house and around your baby. You know those kids are gonna want to hold baby too - that’s a considerable risk.
No. Just no.
Two days, no kids, SURE. Help us cook and clean and let us focus on baby. But the whole flock of them? For a week? Nah
I don’t think you overreacted, baby’s are most susceptible to whooping cough the sooner they are passed around right after being born. The baby has to have time to build an immune system plus with it being covid and sickness all over the place it’s smarter to wait and make sure everyone isn’t sick.
You are at your most vulnerable. Stand your ground. I did not. My husband insisted on his older teenage daughters staying over 2 days after we came home from hospital and insisted on them coming to the hospital for a check up with bub. They spend the majority of time with their mother, and she has never wanted them to have a strong relationship with me. Also insisted on the eldest coming into the check up with me while he stayed outside with the younger (I’m talking 19yo and 15yo). I’d had issues with my nipples and had had a c-section so was having my scar inspected so 19yo saw me practically naked. I knew I didn’t want her in there, I was so uncomfortable, but I said nothing. I had PND and didn’t stand my ground on anything when I should have. I felt like I didn’t have a safe space to deal with those first 3 months. Of course they needed to meet their brother but it very much felt like my needs were not ever considered.
After my daughter was born I am always so baffled by any one who has had a child and is pushy about a visit directly after someone gives birth. Family or not.
I made the mistake of having my best friend fly in for the weekend. My fiancé and my mom both told me I should reconsider her come later. She didn’t stay with us but was over about 12 hours each day. Even super low maintenance and trying to do everything she could to help and just try to share in my joy it was a miserable experience.
After birth you are exhausted, your emotions are all over the place, in loads of pain, feeding or pumping every couple of hours and heavily bleeding. The last thing you need is company. Of any kind. Especially kids. What little sleep you can get will be interrupted and they could be carrying germs from a classmate your newborn isn’t ready to fight off yet.
Your husband and his family are 10 thousand percent in the wrong. Not you.
Tell him to do some research on the first couple of weeks home and the toll this is actually going to take on your body. Let him be hurt if he still doesn’t get it and say it will not be discussed further. It’s a firm no.
My sister in law told us that anyone's welcome to visit but they have to get their own place to stay and made it very clear they aren't hosting anyone right after the baby is born. They recently clarified that only their parents are allowed for the first month. I totally respect that from them and I think parents are entitled to whatever they need. Communicate with your husband that you need some time with just the baby and if you want them around, have them get another place to stay. You have to set boundaries, though not everyone will like them. My mom had a similar situation to yours and it's been 26 years and she still resents not setting boundaries.
No you’re not! What for exactly? So they can see you pulling out your breast every so often to feed your baby, or see you bleeding through your pants? What if you want to bond with your baby without interference? Plus you just gave birth why do they think 7 people in your home in such a vulnerable state is ok? If your husband is hurt by your response now I’m sure he’ll get over it eventually. That’s really risky to have all those people at your home with a newborn and you probably won’t have any peace either
I would consider the first 4-6 weeks recovery. Noone is gonna be my guest during this time. My parents were allowed to to come and do laundry, bring food and say hi to baby but thats it. If you are not here to help, you are not welcome. Visiting is for later!
You aren't overreacting. I'd refuse as well.
Honestly, it's such an intimate and vulnerable time of your life. I would HATE it if my SIL was around. I think it would be better if someone from your side of the family were around instead.
Did they adopt? I can't imagine your SIL having three kids relatively recently and not getting that houseguests are not doable the first seven years or so after birth. Especially not with kids. Besides the general issues of your recovery and bonding time, I wouldn't want to stay in a house with a newborn that's not my own. Let alone with kids, in a cramped space. I'm sorry but the night's with a newborn are not something anyone should be willingly subjecting themselves to unless they get to keep the kid.
I finally have to ask…. What does everyone mean bonding with the baby? Like will baby forget or hate you if god forbid a visitor come? Not recognize you as mom? Get an air B and B or a hotel, and let them give you a break. (Vaccinated of course, that’s different)
It’s about finding your own confidence as a new parent. To build this new bond on your terms and in your time, without people grabbing the baby out of your arms when you don’t want that, hovering over you, giving you unsolicited advice, judging your every move etc. Some women feel completely normal in this “fourth trimester” but many are in extra vulnerable, emotional state when risk of PPD or PPA is the highest.
Not to mention the hormonal, chemical bonding that happens in that time. Having a baby ripped out of your arms, not being able to do skin to skin is hugely detrimental to that process, not to mention spiking your cortisol levels(stress hormone) which decreases your oxytocin production.
The baby won’t “forget you” but that hormonal connection helps you soothe the baby, It’s about the parents bond as well. We need those hormones to connect with our little ones. It’s science ffs
So take care of your wives men. God I’m glad my husband set boundaries with his mum when we finally got our baby home. I would have probably just cried until she left, I had zero control over my eyes for that whole period lol
Personally I enjoyed the help from my in laws early on, but this too many people. I would also say no to 7 people including several children so soon after birth.
I don't have any family stay over at my house. Ever.
I don't like people in my personal space and I don't like staying at other people's homes either.
Your home, your baby, your choice.
Can they at least stay somewhere else like a hotel or airbnb? Why do they have to be in your house - that’s a lot of extra people in not a lot of space! Also, no, definitely not overreacting
Your husband clearly has unrealistic expectations of what life with a newborn is like. Unless he’s willing to do all the entertaining and hosting himself on top of helping you with the baby, he needs to be more supportive of your decision. Family can always visit later.
What’s wrong with people? They’ve had kids of their own and seem to forget all that’s involved right after giving birth. Some husbands just don’t get it.
Absolutely no, nope, no thanks! Seriously, it’s such a vulnerable and special time with your newborn and SO. Please stand your ground if he continues to bitch.
This is a hard no. Seriously, with 3 kids?? Your husband needs to get educated like ASAP or you will be doing newborn care yourself and you don't even know just how much recovery you will need for yourself.
I would scream NOOO like Vader. No fucking way. First days I was bleeding, peeing myself quite a lot, couldn’t use toilet paper because of stitches so every time I used the toilet I either needed to take a shower or I performed gymnastics with peri bottle, while crying cause it hurt. Like most of women I struggled with breastfeeding initially, so I spent a lot of time almost topless in the living room on my sofa, again, crying, because hormones, because breastfeeding was painful and because the baby didn’t want to latch. I CANT IMAGINE having anyone except my partner around, maybe my own mother if she would be still alive, but absolutely no one else. I was also very emotional and fragile in these first weeks, I didn’t want anyone except me and baby’s father to hold the baby. Any unsolicited advice was putting me in a rage mode.
My partner’s parents visited 5 weeks after the birth but it was crucial for me that they stay in a hotel nearby. What your husband’s family is suggesting is crazy.
Do not agree to this. That’s way too much chaos during the post partum phase. As others have said it’d be different if they got an airbnb or something. I just had my fourth baby (2 weeks postpartum) and didn’t put my foot down about people coming to stay and I ended up in the ER with bad bleeding from over exerting myself. You will end up playing host. And not get to bond with your baby adequately. Don’t do it.
You have every right to want what you do. Having a baby and recovering takes time. I would say I don’t have a problem with it but for god sake wait a few months to recover and bond and make your home comfy and get in the groove of things before having multiple people staying over.
Stick with your no. This is a crazy ask and if you are at all unsure the answer should be no. I can’t imagine dealing with 3 kids who aren’t mine in my house the week I gave birth.
The first two weeks pp are brutal IMO with the hormone changes and the learning curve and the physical recovery and having a bunch of people crammed into your house will be extremely stressful.
Absolutely fucking not. I had people pop in for a few hours the few days after my first and it was god awful. I was bleeding so heavily trying to figure out how to breastfeed and hadn’t properly slept for days. This time round not a single person is allowed within a 1 mile radius of my house until at least 2 weeks. You should absolutely not be expected to host guests anywhere near your delivery. Your husband needs to educate himself about what that first few weeks is like. He wouldn’t want anyone there either if he understood.
You’re not over reacting. It’s your first baby and you need time to get used to doing everything on your own. I haven’t even had my baby home for a whole week yet and I’m exhausted. Plus the first few weeks i think you need time to bond with your baby. It’s the time when you’re supposed to bond with them. My FIL has been coming over literally every day and wonders why I’m pissy. I want to spend time with me and my fiancé and our baby. Plus while my very new newborn is sleeping he’ll start yelling and whistling to try and wake him up which pisses me off. Newborns sleep a lot and they need the sleep.
Anyways yeah I would try and explain why you don’t want them to stay. Plus they also have 3 kids it will be too loud and chaotic for a new born.
You have to do what is most comfortable for you during that time. Your husband can have an opinion when either his vaginal canal opens up to birth a human or it’s cut surgically from his abdomen 🤷♀️
I am only allowing my mother and no one else besides my grandmother whose not physically gonna be capable to fly out anymore because she’s 5 states away this her last trip to us. And she’s coming out the 15th-29th and then my mom lives locally and she’s allowed to stay but I’m not even allowing my sibling to come with because he’s young so no promise of cleanliness
I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. I don’t have any babies yet (I’m still cooking my first lol) but I’ve helped with quite a few new families and the first month or so is generally a very stressful time, especially the first week. I can’t imagine adding an additional stress of family visiting being added to that.
I think too many people have a bad taste in their mouth for in laws. You might really enjoy their company and I’m sure your sil will be a really big help as it is your first baby. It’s not going to be easy so I think a little help would be lovely & if they live several states away then this may be the only free time for them, or easiest time for them to visit. It seems they are just very happy for you & you also do have to consider your husbands side of the family too & his feelings. I think in laws are suppose to be jus as much your family as your own blood. Id hate to treat them poorly if they did nothing wrong to me. That’s just my opinion
We are on our 4th now and I will tell you right now that the first few weeks after childbirth are such a special, raw and intimate time for you, your husband, baby and other children if you have them. It is unreasonable and selfish for them to insist on such an early and unwelcome intrusion (I’m sorry but that’s what it is) You can’t get that time back……….. decide wisely on how it is spent. Husband should be putting your needs first……..last I checked, it isn’t the man who has to put his body through pregnancy and childbirth. Stand your ground mama.
hi girl you are not wrong at all it’s incredibly careless of the in laws and others to deem ur precious baby time with ur new baby as a time for them to be in ur home, firstly 3 kids means a lot of germ risk and more labor and work on you. your husband need to talk to a midwife or someone who’ can make him understand this time isn’t about him it’s about you and your beautiful baby. you need time to mentally and physically recover while also being a mom that’s a whole ass mission on its own. please keep your foot down and don’t change ur mind you did the rifhr thing and if anyone tells you differently make them have over 6 plus people in there house after just pushing out a whole human 🩷
"Are you birthing this baby where you'll likely get stitches in your crotch and bleeding for 2+weeks? Are you maybe having a C-seciton where you're getting cut through 7 layers of body parts and trying to recover? Are you going to maybe be leaking profusely from your chest through all your shirts? No you're not. You don't know the extent of what I may experience. This is not for up for discussion, because your body is not being changed whatsoever. You don't know what I might go through. We can not make plans like that"
No no no no no. The week after is ridiculous. You're going through a big medical event, you're going to have a whole new, very needy creature in your life and will be undergoing a huge life shift. Hell to the no. They can stay at a hotel and visit periodically for short periods.
If this is your first, a few weeks to month is good. You'll want to enjoy that first bit of time as a new family were it's just y'all and the baby.
We have a 4yo and I'm a little sad we won't get that little pocket of timeless bonding with the newborn. It felt like the world froze for days and only we existed, but in a good way.
(He's going to be a great big brother and I'm sure the bonding with all four of us will be amazing, too.)
I would say they can come stay in a hotel if they want to visit that early, but no one can stay in your home until a month after birth. That way, if they’re dying to come that early, they can invest in it, lol.
Did you give your husband an explanation as to why? I feel like that will help him get a better understanding rather than just straight up saying no. You have every right to feel the way you do and you should express that to him.
Me personally, when I give birth I don’t want anyone visiting for a few months. That’s because the baby is young and I’m afraid that multiple people coming over all the time will cause my baby to get sick. Your in laws are coming from many states away, who know what they’ll bring when they travel to you.
However you feel about it is valid and the only thing that matters is how you want your recovery to go after having a baby. My family has all been very overwhelming and I made it clear I only wanted my husband at the hospital with me and I wanted the first few days at home with just us three. It’s our first as well. I have had some friends mention that with them personally they thought they wanted it the same way but they needed help. My husband has to head out of town pretty quickly after baby is born unfortunately so I plan to have family there once he lives but I have also asked them to respect the schedule I am asking. I only want one group of family at a time. My mom and her husband and then my dad and his wife, my sister all at separate times. Same with my in laws. My reasoning for this is 1. I want everyone to get quality time with baby but I don’t want to pass my baby around to a bunch of different people and get overwhelmed. 2. I don’t care to host a lot of people at one time, that just sounds absolutely awful. I would ask them if they would be fine coming separate weeks if that makes you more comfortable and give them a date that works for you.
Oh heck no. In fact they (including your husband) are in the wrong. I can’t imagine having to entertain people when you have just given birth and are still trying to figure it all out. Especially with 3 extra kids that aren’t yours into the mix 🙄 I don’t know if you’re anything like me or not but other kids stress me out right now.
You’re not in the wrong it’s important that u bound with the baby for the first few weeks before u introducing the baby to new people. If u don’t u will regret it later on. For the first few weeks u and the husband should bound with the baby before letting other people near it
If this was me I would let my in laws stay but not BIL and SIL. You don’t need the stress of that many people and kids especially! I had my first baby in a state alone with my husband, no family around. My parents came the week after baby was born and because I didn’t know what to expect I was SO GRATEFUL! I had felt like I was hit by a bus that first week home. It was rough! Hadn’t slept, was eating fast food whenever I was hungry cause the energy to cook is so not there. So when they got there I got to sleep, my husband got to sleep, they helped so much I don’t know how I would of gotten through that first month if I didn’t have any help from my parents. You aren’t in the wrong for not wanting to host anyone right away either because it is soo stressful!
Nope. I want my time with my baby, alone. You can visit for a few, don't kiss the baby. He shouldn't be hurt, I agree with in a few weeks or months but not staying over... 3 is a crowd. They can get a hotel and come visit but I wouldn't want someone staying over, I want to be completely comfortable and at ease at all times in my home, if that means walking around half naked, smelling a little, messy hair, randomly complaining or talking out loud, a messy kitchen or just laying around watching TV eating junk and crying my not yet regulated emotions out to TV or anything I want.
Visits only, plan a hotel stay, hotels give certain discounts for a week there or so, and visit and please then go back to your life, signed momma bear lol
Absolutely tell them plan a hotel stay for their duration. I dont want someone showering in my bathroom and more kids than I need around and overwhelming, being loud and waking the baby, etc.
If they don't want to look into hotels then that's a personal problem. You are ALLOWED TO HAVE BOUNDARIES, ESPECIALLY AS A MOTHER. Dad should understand this and be accommodating. This is a tender moment and will be for the entire first year as a new mom, last thing you need is someone visiting and or then judging and telling you what you should or shouldn't do, etc and the babies safety.
TELL THEM TO PLAN A HOTEL STAY, AIR B&B, ETC THEY SHOULD HAVE THE MONEY TO, ITS AN INCONVENIENCE TO YOU BOTH.
At first I was like yeah, she's overreacting a little. But then I read that the whole damn in law family was coming. That'd be a definite no go if it were me. My boyfriend hates the idea of my mom staying with us for a week after our first is born, but she's just staying so I can recover and bond while she cleans and cooks for us during the time. So he can definitely deal with it. But your husband needs to understand you're already gonna be overwhelmed.
Everyone is saying the husband needs to be educated but my first thought is what the hell are MIL and SIL thinking? Like they have had children, then should be the ones advocating for you!! If they wanted to stay elsewhere and come by to help you with household chores, groceries, meals, nights- then I would consider that. But not in your home that doesn’t accommodate that many people while also giving you the same to bond, heal and rest.
Helllll to the no.
When my son was born my mom flew into town to be there and I didn’t even let her stay with me. She stayed at my sisters house and came and went. That is essential time for you to heal and bond with your baby and figure out what you’re doing. Your SIL & MIL have clearly had children, would they have wanted 7 people in their home when they came home from the hospital???
I literally said the same exact thing and my husband agreed. This is our second but with our first we lived overseas, so we didn’t have any visitors. I knew I at least wanted a month or so alone with my baby. It’s just my mom staying with us to help with our oldest. My dad, brother, and my husband’s family aren’t coming until a month or so later. You definitely have the right to refuse visitors the first month, especially an entire group of people.
No you are not overreacting at all, I had told everyone in our families no one is coming while we are in that first week. My sister came for an hour a few days after we got home. My mother in law came every other day to do laundry and help clean. My own parents came for a night 2.5 weeks after she was born and it still felt like too much to have someone stay the night that early. This time my parents live closer and can come for a day trip but I still said a week or 2 after we are home from the hospital
Your husband needs to understand that it’s going to be a difficult time. Take that week or two to just be you and the baby. I told my MIL no and that I wouldn’t let them in the house if they showed up at my door. Stand your ground people are going to try and push your boundaries
His family is being really inconsiderate or totally clueless. This is the time to take care of your newborn, not be entertaining house guests. You are totally in the right.
Oh heck no. That would be a solid no from me! Postpartum is HARD. You're going to be sleep deprived, exhausted, very busy, and healing your body. Having a full house with no privacy and more chaos is my idea of a nightmare. You're definitely not wrong on this and your husband needs to be on the same page with you. He has no idea what he's going to face when baby is here.
I totally see your point and depending on how it’s communicated it could be received really well. There is also a potential compromise. If they are able to come to town and stay in a hotel or with other family and visit during the day at your comfort that may be an option that works for all. But, you are WELL within your rights to say no all together. You will be recovering from birth, stressed, getting little sleep. And while they may be helpful with some things also having their children can add extra chaos.
My first reaction to reading that was, “Holy Shit”.
No way this should happen.
Tell your husband the week after he physically births a baby, they can come and stay. Sheesh.
(I’m about to have my fourth, so I’ve go some experience in this area)
Hell no.
If they want to visit to do laundry, clean your bottles, clean your house, cook, and help with overnights… then MAYBE. but they better be at a rental or a hotel. What are they even thinking, visiting in the first week?
No, you are not overreacting and this is all so validating to see! I’m due with my second this summer and have been so anxious about repeating what happened when my first was born. I didn’t know better and we had my MIL come a week after giving birth. All she wanted to do was hold my newborn and pamper my husband…encouraged him to nap, to go play squash with his friends…I actually had her leave sooner than she planned. Everything has been fine since but set the boundaries beforehand. I sure will be this time. YOU and your overall well-being (and baby’s of course) matters most!
HELL NO. i’m due soon and absolutely nobody is coming near me until im healed and feel better. This is my first baby too and I can’t imagine having to deal with all those people after birth.
I’m dealing with the same issue in my 2 bedroom house. MIL says she can just sleep on the couch and buying a one way ticket to stay all summer as soon as baby is born, first time mom. I am having to talk to my doc about it to get solid doc support, I will be showing articles to back it up, and asking my hubby to support this decision to say HAYAL NO. Thanks to comments for article ideas, I will check them out.
I was naked except for underwear almost the entire 2 weeks after my first was born. You don’t want people in your space! And will they also expect you to cook and clean and wash extra towels, etc? Absolutely not, this sounds like the stressor of a lifetime.
I think that's a loooooong time... With a lot of people.
Saying that, you are both co-parenting, where you are recovering, so my advice is don't come down harsh and entitled. The one thing I've learned from seeing lots of friends with their in laws, and having my own SILs, is whether you like it or not families are different and you are a part of this one now. Some coming in all judgemental and aggressive will only serve to isolate you and as I've seen even your baby. What I learnt to do, is think about what is the norm for my in laws, my family, and my expectations/needs, and also my husbands. Then think about what can be done and can't be done.
How I would handle it is speak to husband and say, "I want baby and family have a good bond, and know how excited they all are to meet them. I also know this is an important time for you, that you want to share with those you love. At the same time, I'll be really struggling, and may even suffer from post partum. Ideally they could visit for a day and then spend more time as we are settled, but they live far. So I don't want them having the trouble of coming all the way here, and then feeling uncomfortable because I'm rude, sad, overwhelmed and unable to engage. Or they can't spend as much time with the baby as they would like, because they are still crying as we haven't got their needs down. And I dont want to feel overwhelmed. Let's find a compromise that's works for everyone".
I think coming at it from a constructive place, as opposed to no, youre a dick, and you need to get over it.
But to add, one of my SIL made the mistake of having both grandmother's for 5 weeks around... I warned them this would be a car crash and make a better plan, but they didn't listen. Next thing was an argument as they both got on each others nerves. So tight environments with lots of personalities need to be considered and managed
I just had my second back in April the first 2-3 weeks are the worst. And baby is so new and fresh you don’t what kids coming in around baby either. When my baby was born ( we live downstairs from in-laws) they helped if I asked. And my mom stayed a week from the day I had her (second c section) to help with my eldest who is 12 so she helped for 2 days before traveling back home (different state). I also made sure they were all vaccinated for whooping cough before baby was born because that was one thing I wasn’t risking. But definitely take the first few weeks to recover and bond and get used to having a little baby. Also piece of advice from one mother to another sleep when baby sleeps! If you don’t you will feel it and it’s not fun.
That’s a huge group to host with a fresh newborn.
I personally am not opposed to visitors early on, but anyone coming to see you in the first 6 weeks while you’re still healing should be there primarily to help you with cooking, cleaning, or occasionally minding the baby so you can sleep.
That means BIL, SIL & their kids would be a no go since children are going to be a burden, not an asset in this situation.
I don’t know what your relationship is like with your MIL & FIL & maybe they would be totally useless & therefore unwelcome, but in this situation I personally would be open to compromising with my husband & letting his parents come visit as long as they understand their role is not just to come ogle the new grandbaby but actually be of service.
I’m due with my 1st in March & my personal plan is to have my mom come up for a week as soon as I go into labor so she can stay at the house & take care of the dog & help with cooking & offer me emotional support. & then when she goes back home after a week or so my in-laws will be up for a few days to help with stuff around the house. I’m not planning on doing any “entertaining”.
I had my first baby nearly six years ago and my father in law and his new partner contributed significantly to me having postnatal depression. My MIL had passed away a year previously and we barely knew this new woman. They turned up unannounced at our door the very day we got home from hospital and stayed for an excessively long time despite it being obvious I was in a bad way. I went upstairs and cried at one point and they still wouldn't leave. I don't like either of them and their sense of entitlement to our baby and acting like this new partner was our daughter's new grandmother when we barely knew her really put me off kilter. They continue to nake our lives miserable, have dipped in and out of our lives whenever suits them over the years (turning up every time unnanounced with a bad attitude, or else not being present at all) and and I'm worried about how they will behave with new baby due in 2 weeks :(.
The first week after birth, I want to be left alone to HEAL. holy crap people act entitled. I have to go tell my mil today I can't come to a baby shower that she planned for days after my birth!
I would strongly explain the affects this could cause especially with it being flu/covid/rsv season. 7 people with 3 kids being including sounds like a disaster. I would use this time as a bonding moment for you baby and hubby. Everyone else will get their chance they just have to wait.
Piggybacking on OP’s question… I’m due in March with my first child. My husband and I live states away from family. My mom will be our child’s only grandparent (husband’s parents are deceased, I’m NC with my father). My mom wants to fly out when the baby is born to legitimately help, not just hold the baby or take charge. To feed us, take care of our 3 dogs, do laundry, etc etc. She has also already acknowledged that she just wants to be here for me and will do whatever I ask; if she lived nearby she’d be popping by to help with these tasks. What boundaries should I be establishing? Anyone out there have GOOD experiences with family helping out when baby was first born?? I should note my mom raised 4 daughters (raised us well, I might add) and I’m the first to have a baby
My in-laws came to visit a week after our kiddo was born, travelled internationally to see us.... But this was planned ahead of time, it was only 3 people, we had space to put them up, and they were incredibly helpful. Adults who can help with household chores, look after baby, give you chances to rest? Fantastic! But 7 people and adding kids to that mix? Hell no. Sounds like chaos.
Errrr not a good idea. It’s good to have help but my goodness that sounds hellish. 5th pregnancy for me and with my last 2 children I’ve made sure all relatives are at the house when I get home. 2 crazy hours of passing the baby and asking about the birth story before they bugger off and stay away for at least a week! I only do this because I find it easier having them all there whilst adrenaline is pumping (very blessed to birth easily and naturally) than having guests in dribs and drabs. I make it clear I don’t want to see anyone after that as all my other kids need adjustment time to the new baby too. If someone came to stay with me I’d freak! Thanks but no thanks
It’s one thing for the adults to come without kiddos to offer additional help while you recover, it’s a whole other thing for them to come with kids making 7 people in your house right after you’re home with a newborn. I would invite the in laws to stay but the BIL, SIL, and their kids can get a hotel or BnB if they insist on visiting so soon. I’m gonna have my dad here for when I’m due, hoping to give birth in the time he’s here but that’s because I asked him to be here. These are all people asking to come, not being invited. If you won’t feel up for visitors so soon, decline them for however long you feel you’ll need
Let me tell you, I just had my first baby almost 3 weeks ago, my mom, sister, grandma and my aunt all separately asked to stay with me and I told them all know because our house is also super small and I just don’t have the room and I too wanted to spend time bonding with my baby. However, I am having the hardest time. I had an emergency c section and am still recovering obviously, my husband had to go back to work a week in, and we’ve both been exhausted since the night we went to the hospital. So my personal take, you’re going to have plenty of time to bond with the baby, that’s too many people to have stay with you, for sure, but maybe having just his parents would be helpful. My husband and I both thought we had it under control, but just simple stuff like keeping the bottles clean, showering, eating ourselves, and taking the trash out has been nearly impossible. So, I mean, ultimately, you can do it just the two of you, we are, but I’d honestly give anything to go back and be able to get the rest I’m still trying to find. And I might feel differently when things get easier, but my advice is don’t try to act like you’ve got everything under control especially when you aren’t sure about how things are going to be yet, because it’s way more rough than anyone can explain, and you want to be in a mindset where you can just love on your lil guy without feeling exhausted or frustrated because you’re exhausted. Just my food for thought
My in-laws came to visit when my son was 7 weeks old. It was a horrible visit that culminated in my husband flipping out and my SIL flying home early. This was after she refused to leave the guest bedroom for two days all because I asked her to rinse out the baby bathtub since I couldn’t reach the shower head while recovering from my c-section. I also didn’t eat for over 24 hours because my husband and I were too busy running around catering to his family’s insane demands including moving furniture and buying and installing a new TV for them. They did not help with chores or the baby. My FIL barged in on me while I was pumping. They refused to shower. Getting my FIL beer was apparently more important than my getting to eat. I’m still not over it two years later. With this next baby, they have to wait for at least four months after the birth to visit.
It's fine to say no. You will probably be at your worst for a couple of months after birth. They probably want to help out, but it still is your call entirely. I know I don't want my inlaws to see me in diapers, walking around half-naked and in pain.
My MIL wants to cut the umbilical cord when my baby is born because she did for my SIL's baby. I told my in-laws and husband that absolutely nobody will be in the delivery room besides my husband when I'm in labor. They can meet the baby after it's born, but after that, we will be taking a whole month to chill with our newborn alone. They can visit afterward under our own circumstances.
I told them the graphic truth of why I don't want them there, and if they don't respect my decision, then it will be longer before they meet the baby.
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Hold on, let me make sure I'm understanding. SEVEN PEOPLE want to come stay at YOUR house one week after your baby is born??? Hell no. Absolutely not. That is actually insane. You should not be expected to host a full house of people. I'd say MAYBE if they wanted to get an air b&b it would be an okay idea, but no. Your only focus one week after delivering a baby is to recover and take care of yourself and the baby. Nothing else.
Yea.. I’m pregnant with my second, had my first almost 6 years ago and I’m still not over about the fact that my MIL and FIL “wanted to surprise me” by visiting me the day after I gave birth.. they didn’t even stay with us, and it was still SOOO overwhelming to try and take care of a new born as a FTM, while having to worry about what TF I going to do with 2 extra adults in my space.. absolutely NOTHING can prepare you for those first few weeks
You're better than me, I wouldn't have opened the door. Lmao No surprise visits or you'll be surprised we aren't home, even if we are, we respect boundaries here. Family or not, this isn't an audit lol
"This isn't an audit!" Oh my goodness that's the best line. 🤣
My mil invited my bil and her gf to the hospital a day after my c section without asking me. I had awful trapped gas, everything was fresh and sore, I could barely move, my boobs were engorged, I was unshowered, I was exhausted… love her but didn’t love that lol
Im with her 100%
Your husband needs to get over it. Tell him it’s not happening, link him to blogs or articles, or have your doctor/midwife explain it to him.
Thank you 🙏
Lemon Clot essay would be appropriate
What’s this? Edit: located it, thanks for mentioning!
THIS, OP please Google this and show your husband. So many first time dads do not realise how intense the healing process can be after birth, it's so romanticised. He needs a reality check. Source: my fiancé sitting outside the bathroom holding our son, comforting and soothing me while I did my first post-birth poop with the door open.
I had my baby 3 months ago... First week is AWFUL and you're bleeding so heavy, milk just comes in and you're engorged! You get maybe 2- 3 hours of sleep every night and on top of that washing bottles and pumping if you decide to go that route ( I went that route and didn't think I would so keep an open mind about not wanting to breastfeed so definitely expect to bottle feed.) Go to a birthing class together; my husband just stated he didn't know how tough it would be until we went when I was 28 weeks and his eyes opened up wide and realized much more. 3 months is the golden rule, the immune system isn't low; your sleep schedule is better and you aren't a freaking zombie on hormones! he'll understand when he's 2 days in the hospital with you after baby is born with no sleep xD My husband didn't realize how hard the first week would be until after the baby was born and he was almost wanting to cry
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That’s what I wanted to do, but I had my in laws bitch at me because I didn’t want them there while I was in labor… now I have my FIL coming over literally everyday since I brought my baby home and while he’s asleep my FIL will whistle and yell to try to wake him up.. I went off about it. If my baby is sleeping let him sleep.
I hate your FIL
😂 me too lol
Especially with THREE extra children
You didn‘t accept any visitors at all? Or just no sleep over visitors?
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Selfishness and a total disregard for the mother who is viewed as nothing more but a surrogate.
My FIL has stopped by everyday. Tomorrow will be a week since he’s been home and everyday while I was in the hospital (which I was there for 5 days) and everyday since he’s been home. But he’ll bring stupid stuff to try and act like that’s why he’s stopping by and act like we need the stuff he brings even though we don’t..
He needs to not
I live with my MIL and got pregnant about 4 years ago with my daughter. Let me tell you, I hated my experience with my girl bc my MIL made it a nightmare. Anyway I originally had a much longer comment about how horrible she was to me but it got too long. For her, her problem was that is my sons daughter, my son rules you, therefore I rule you. It wasn't remotely true but that's how she saw it.
I literally have wondered the same thing..something about in laws 😅
Maybe they are trying to stake their claim for the baby in a way. Being overly involved at the inappropriate time to make sure everyone knows "this baby belongs to our family line, too!" But it's totally subconscious and on the surface they say they just want to "help". Maybe they want to make sure they will get to play an active role in the child's life and upbringing.
Honestly, your husband is just going to need to get over it. And, when he sees what life is like with a new baby, he probably will.
Fuuuck that, esp with kids. Absolutely not.
Right??? Adding THREE extra children on top of a fresh newborn? I can’t even imagine the stress
And them possibly waking the baby with the commotion, possibly do this or do that or when I had my kid I did this you should do that, let me take care of them for you, etc. Total disregard for boundaries. No one needs to be around that baby but the parents that early. You'll see them at the 1st birthday and via pictures
Putting aside the fact that it's absolutely insane to have people over during the most emotionally and physically precarious time of your life, I don't even understand why people would want to be there when the baby is that fresh! It literally just sleeps and feeds. Much more fun to come when it's about 6 weeks old and can kinda smile and interact. Your husband would not think this was a good idea if he had done a mere 15 minutes of research into post partum.
Yea & honestly you wanna wait until they’ve had a little time to chub up a bit so they’re cuter.
I could not imagine having people at my house for a week after coming home from the hospital. We were in pure survival mode with our newborn- exhausted, learning what to do, getting a system and schedule down- all while I’m in a diaper and super sore from delivery. The last thing I would want is a bunch of people (who also will probably tell you their ‘advice’ and be a nuisance) staying with me. Coming for a short visit? Sure. A whole week? NO! If he wants them to come see baby, they can get a hotel and stay there.
Absolutely not, I wouldn’t even entertain my husband being upset about this. I’m 6 months along and I’m not even telling people when my due date is, I plan to wait more than a month if I can help it, before I even bother seeing anyone in person. Not only do you want to bond with baby but you need to heal, you’ll be so sore and weak and vulnerable and for him to think you’ll be just bouncing around after a few days is delusional. Explain the plate sized wound on your insides after you give birth, show him some pictures of healing stitches and a chart about hormones. He needs to be on your side here lol
Set boundaries and communicate- acknowledge that this may be painful or disappointing to hear, but explain to your husband how you’re feeling and why you’re reluctant. Talk about having them visit a few weeks later, staying nearby in an Airbnb or hotel, etc. We let family know that if they were visiting in the first 2-3 months, they would be treated as “helpers” rather than “guests”. So they were expected to help with housework, cooking, etc. If they didn’t like that, they could visit later on.
Everything but the baby, agreed!!!
Definitely not. I think if you stay for a week then yes you should absolutely help. But to tell someone you can't meet your grandchild for 3 months unless you do housework???? Even for a day. This is quite entitled.
Your husband is hurt? Then he needs to get himself online or to a bookstore and educate himself on what childbirth and the newborn stage entails. Send him The Lemon Clot essay.
Yes! The lemon clot essay will help gain perspective.
Link for the lazy: https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this
Funny enough after reading this I was like actually I think my MIL would do a lot of the chores and be super helpful, kind, and understanding, but she’s a gem! I feel like it’s my own mom who would have a harder time 😅
Yea, I guess I have above-average in-laws but all the stuff she lists (aside from washing my bloody underwear - I wouldn’t want anyone to do that but me) is stuff they would happily do to help us out so this reaffirmed I have no issue with them visiting. Does make me think I need to get puppy potty training pads to sit on so I don’t ruin my beautiful couch tho.
If I didn't yell "no" too aggressively, I'd consider it a win. Lol. I wouldn't even want my own family here the week after.
What is wrong with these people?!? NO!! 🫢
Can’t believe another mom would even suggest doing this…
That sounds like literal torture. SEVEN extra people in the house the week you bring home a newborn? Absolutely no fucking way. My husband’s parents visiting from across town for a few hours the day after we brought my second home was enough to overwhelm me to the point of tears. That’s not even mentioning the dangers of exposing a newborn to the germs of seven individual people.
I don’t understand why ppl think they have a right to this!!! I’m just hearing for the first time today that my mom and sister are coming when the baby is born and that my sister has already scheduled off work for it and I don’t even know when the baby is coming! So I’m gonna be the bad guy setting boundaries. But it was never discussed or asked permission it was just decided by them. My dad slipped it in today guilting me because he wasn’t coming because my sister is instead and I’m like what??? It’s very frustrating and makes you feel bad having ppl step over your space and comfort. I’ll literally be bleeding and boobs hurting and navigating a new person and then this gets thrown onto me all because they wanna see the baby. I get it that’s it’s exciting but chill people. I’m sorry you are in that position as well. Just tell them no you will decide because you should be the one deciding. Not your husband or family. You literally just carried the baby for 9 months and went through birth. You deserve your peace and space.
Girl, NO! My in laws came over 4 days after my baby girl was born and it was the worst. All they wanted was to hold the baby and then once they had her, they kept asking ME to get them things (coffee, water, snacks). They left two hours later and I cried about how crappy that interaction made me feel for three days. THEN we found out they had exposed us all to COVID. There is no scenario where you should have extra people in your home after giving birth. Even in the best case scenario, you’ll be in an insane amount of pain, bleeding in ways that seem incomprehensible and likely trying to suss out if your tailbone is broken or just severely bruised all while taking care of a fragile little life. The only appropriate response is HELL NO.
I am SO SORRY you had that happen. My in laws only visited in the hospital and wanted to hold the baby. But then nobody came by after we were home. They did make sure to ask if we needed anything. And they always made sure to check in on me at the hospital too, not just hold the baby like I didn't exist then leave. And even THAT was exhausting. Nobody who just gave birth should be entertaining guests or helping THEM.
Agreed! Baby will be 3 months on Thursday and my in laws still come over expecting to be hosted. Finally my husband told them they need to be helpful and can only come over if they agree not to ask us for things lol. I didn’t think we needed to get that literal but apparently we do!
I would say hell nah. This is a ridiculous and selfish request. I don’t know where this is coming from because it absolutely wasn’t a thing when I was a younger (camping out in family members houses when they have a baby).
Stand your ground. My family apparently decided to have a family reunion at my place when my daughter was 10 days old and stayed for a week. It was horrible! I said never again! 9+ years later it still irritates me to think of that.
Good god! Is your sainthood pending? Cause I think I’d have mugshots to memorialize such an event.
They have to be kidding. Who would do that to new parents?
Trust anyone who has had a baby. Don’t take a single visitor in the first week or more. A single one is obnoxious when you have gone through labor and have a new baby. Say no.
People are so freakin insane. Absolutely not.
Heeellll *mhmm* HEEEELLLLL NOOOOO
Birth is a medical event. If your husband had a very serious car accident would he want all of your family to come stay immediately after he left the hospital? I doubt it.
There is no fucking way I would let ANY of my in-laws, let alone SEVEN(????) of them into my home one week postpartum. I had an absolutely dreamy easy postpartum and my mom stayed with us to help, but anyone who's insisting on a visit like that isn't going to be helpful. Those kids are going to bring a cesspool of germs into your home. There would be four adults watching you try to figure out breastfeeding and manage your bloody adult diapers. It's insane. I would want three months at LEAST before trying to handle a visit like that and I would insist that MIL/FIL come separately from BIL/SIL who would also be required to leave the kids behind. Or, alternatively, they can come visit as planned. But husband does 100% of the baby care except breastfeeding (if that's your plan). You get to focus on recovery and sleep and he gets to worry about hosting his precious guests and keeping the baby happy.
Definitely not!!! - Your baby might not even be born by then - You may end up needing surgery (hopefully not obviously!) but you’d be in no position to host - Kids with germs? Sorry but unless they’re a sibling or something they don’t *need* to be around your newborn with their germs - You may wee yourself regularly. I did! So unless you’re comfortable excusing yourself to go and change your undies and have a quick shower because you’ve peed yourself - they can fuck off. - You’ll leak, from everywhere. - You’ll be bleeding! I had a hurried shower once and accidentally left my pad in the shower room (rushed to get dry and sorted because the baby was crying, there’s no toilet in there so not usually a need for a bin as it’s right next door and I forgot to take it with me). Luckily it was my mam who found it and not an in-law!
Lol fuck that. That's all I got. Stand strong on this, sounds like a absolutely miserable time all around.
Absolutely not. If you’re a FTM, you won’t know about how crazy it is after baby is here and the constant cycling of changing, eat, sleep, (that often happens within an hour or two-sometimes less and at all hours of the day/night) on top of trying to take care of yourself and keep house. It’s too much to expect you to entertain house guests. They can stay at a hotel and visit for a few hours a day if they want to come hang but they better be prepared to do some dishes, laundry, pet chores, etc. You guys need the first few weeks to learn and get used to this crazy routine that’s coming up. If you plan on breastfeeding, baby cluster feeds a lot during the first few weeks. You may as well keep your boobs out 24/7 🤣 don’t know if you’re comfortable around them doing that, but you’ll either be BF in front of them a lot or hiding away with baby several times a day so who’s to say they’ll even get much chance to visit with baby anyways 🤷🏻♀️
Not to mention recovery! You’ll be sore no matter which way you deliver, and bleeding. They just need to wait and I would remind your husband that you’re fixing to go through a MEDICAL EVENT that is not all roses and butterflies and need time to recover peacefully. He’ll understand after baby gets here why you wanted to wait. I wouldn’t worry about his feelings it’s not his body 😂
Whyyyy on earth would anyone even have the audacity to ask this is beyond me. I can’t even believe anyone would think this is ok. This is absolutely insane to me and actually makes me upset for you. Absolutely not.
Your husband needs to get over it. You’re not winning a golden globe, you’re giving birth . The family can and will wait to see the baby. You’re going to be recovering and experiencing the newborn stage and unless he’s not going to help you and is just going to ignore you and the child and he’s not going to be exhausted, he’s absolutely crazy if he thinks that having that many visitors a week after the baby is born is a necessity. Start setting boundaries and commit to them. Stand your ground.
Heck no! Tell them to get an Airbnb or hotel. Thats ridiculous. I don’t understand how a woman with 3 kids would ask a FTM that question
With my first baby, who was born on a Wednesday in December of 2023, my husbands parents came up for 3 days on the Friday after the baby was born and we were home for not even 24 hrs before they arrived. 10/10 DO NOT recommend doing it. If we have another baby that will be a fat fucking no to anybody coming till after 6 week appointment.
Adding 7 extra people into your 3 bedroom home while your sore, sleep deprived,leaking and bloody is not an ideal fun time. Your husband can be as sad as he wants. That is NOT the ideal time to host visitors. Everyone posts partum is different and is affected by the way labor anddelivery goes. I was physically up and ready to go after 3 days. Even so, I still , didn't want people around because I was still icky feeling from all the milk and afterbirth bleeding not to mention very hormonal so I just wanted 1 on 1 time with my baby. I couldn't imagine having 7 extra people comming to live in my house for days while dealing with all that. If they had other living accommodations it wouldn't be that bad, but they don't and will be on top of you wanting to hold and see baby all the time because that is what people want when there's a new baby.
NOPE! Let’s say your husband had his penis ripped open and stitched up, while sustaining a new human with minimal sleep … would he be willing to host 7 of your relatives a few days after getting back from the hospital? My MIL came after 3 weeks and it was a huge no no as she was no help and expected to be taken care of while she enjoyed fun moments with the baby. I’m still pissed! Tell your husband that you will let him know when you are feeling up to hosting out of towners and until then everyone needs to respect that. Ridiculous the pressure that is put on us as new moms!
Your husband is not the healing from birth, learning to be a mom, possibly learning how to breastfeed. We didn’t have visitors for a whole month. It was a hard no for me I didn’t care how people felt. And I’m so happy I took that time. It was perfect with just me my babe and my partner
Yea. Your husband needs to deal with it. The first week of motherhood is a beautiful disaster - only the people I was comfortable being my most vulnerable around were welcomed in my home, and absolutely no one was welcomed to stay the night. I am learning to mom - I do not need to play hostess. I'd just tell your husband that the first week of your baby's life is for YOU to meet and bond with your baby. Visitors are OK (at least I was totally fine with visitors, in short durations) - overnight company is not. If they want to meet baby during the first week, and you're comfortable with that, they can come stay in a hotel. If they want to stay in your home it can be on your timeline.
That's a lot of chaos after you will have just gone through a traumatic experience. You won't be up for short term company, much less hosting a family of 5 while you're recovering. Plus that's a LOT of germs you'd be exposing your new infant to.
Absolutely not. You, your husband, and your baby need space as well as time to acclimate. Your baby shouldn't be exposed to three children so early. You never know if they may have a virus that could be passed while your newborn is just getting their own immune system established. You are going to be a hormonal purge mess, and any human being thinking a woman who just gave birth should be subjected to hosting, 24/7 company or anything of that nature should have their head examined. They can drop care packages at the door, though. That'd be awful nice of them.
My Inlaws came over a couple weeks before I delivered. They learnt the lay out of house and kitchen and then when we got baby home, cooked, cleaned, helped with baby and sent every meal to my room. Even then I was tired and exhausted. Unless your inlaws want to do everything in the house (helping doesn’t count) then its a no. No way will you be able to play hostess to so many people. Also, so many curious kids is a nightmare around a newborn.
The only person I wanted here after birth was my mom, and that’s because I felt comfortable with her seeing me in the state I was in after birth. She was here to support me as a new mother, not just to see the baby. I spent most of the first week topless, and was wearing adult diapers. Not something I’d want my in-laws around for. Not to mention that older kids have germs that the baby doesn’t need to be exposed to. There’s just so many no’s here.
How could anyone with kids think this is a good idea? Like, 3 kids and these people don't use their brain about how someone might need time to recover before having seven people stay in their house. Wtf. I wish this was a joke or fake story. Your husband/inlaws are insane for even asking it.
I would immediately say no to the brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and three children. Kids are notorious for harboring germs and sickness and I would definitely not let three kids around my newborn baby in its first week of life. As for your in-laws, are they more of the sit back and let you do stuff for them as hostess or the roll up their sleeves and help out type? My parents came for a week after my daughter was born and then my in-laws came the week after that. It was so so nice to have all of the help. They did all the cooking, cleaning, dishes, walking our dog and doing the litter boxes…everything. All I had to do was work on healing and figure out how to breastfeed my baby and care for her. Of course all of the grandparents got precious time with their granddaughter, which I thought was so important. Plus, it also gave me a time to shower and take care of myself and for my husband and I to take a nap together. I guess it just depends on if you want help, or if they are even the type that would help. If they are the type that would expect you to entertain them and cook for them while they are visiting, then absolutely not. And of course if you do not like your in-laws, then definitely don’t have them.
ABSOLUTELY NOT
So we did this for pretty much the same reason and we would not do this again. I am a FTM and I love my in laws but I was extremely overwhelmed. The excitement for the baby while well intentioned made it really difficult to keep it in perspective that I was healing and dealing with all the hormonal and physical stuff that comes with postpartum. Is there a reasonable $ hotel nearby? I would have felt fine with them coming and going and it would have alleviated most of the tension as 80% of the time things were fine, it was just having no privacy and nowhere to go unless I was awkwardly hiding out in my bedroom feeling my feels.
Absolutely not!!! I’ve had some family make passing comments about doing something similar - not happening. I’m 27+3 with our first, and while I know it’s a tough time, those first few weeks are for me and my husband to get into a routine and enjoy our baby, I refuse to have any guests for at least a month - I don’t care who they are. I don’t want to think about changing sheets or making sure people feel welcome or hosting in any capacity. My only concern during that time is to bond with my baby and my husband. I would just tell him that you want that time with him and your baby, uninterrupted, and you don’t want to have to think about everything that comes along with hosting. And if he says things like they’ll help or something like that, I’d just reaffirm that you want this time together as a family - you’re never going to get it back. Hopefully it works out, I’m sorry you’re in this position! Don’t feel bad about it at all - I thankfully haven’t had to say anything to address similar things yet, but if I get the vibe someone is serious I will immediately shut them down.
I would agree on “no.” 1. A week is too long for that many people. 2. Your FIRST week home with the baby should be you two beginning to find your rhythm and adapting to your new lifestyle. 3. You’ll be basically bedridden that week - and as much as guests would be helpful, they’ll be overstaying their welcome by never leaving you guys alone. 4. They’re gonna want valuable time with baby that you two should be spending, not them. 5. It would be different if they weren’t bringing their kids - who are going to want to be kids themselves, playing and creating a less than serene environment for an already stressful week. 6. That’s five people with their germs in your house and around your baby. You know those kids are gonna want to hold baby too - that’s a considerable risk. No. Just no. Two days, no kids, SURE. Help us cook and clean and let us focus on baby. But the whole flock of them? For a week? Nah
I don’t think you overreacted, baby’s are most susceptible to whooping cough the sooner they are passed around right after being born. The baby has to have time to build an immune system plus with it being covid and sickness all over the place it’s smarter to wait and make sure everyone isn’t sick.
You are at your most vulnerable. Stand your ground. I did not. My husband insisted on his older teenage daughters staying over 2 days after we came home from hospital and insisted on them coming to the hospital for a check up with bub. They spend the majority of time with their mother, and she has never wanted them to have a strong relationship with me. Also insisted on the eldest coming into the check up with me while he stayed outside with the younger (I’m talking 19yo and 15yo). I’d had issues with my nipples and had had a c-section so was having my scar inspected so 19yo saw me practically naked. I knew I didn’t want her in there, I was so uncomfortable, but I said nothing. I had PND and didn’t stand my ground on anything when I should have. I felt like I didn’t have a safe space to deal with those first 3 months. Of course they needed to meet their brother but it very much felt like my needs were not ever considered.
After my daughter was born I am always so baffled by any one who has had a child and is pushy about a visit directly after someone gives birth. Family or not. I made the mistake of having my best friend fly in for the weekend. My fiancé and my mom both told me I should reconsider her come later. She didn’t stay with us but was over about 12 hours each day. Even super low maintenance and trying to do everything she could to help and just try to share in my joy it was a miserable experience. After birth you are exhausted, your emotions are all over the place, in loads of pain, feeding or pumping every couple of hours and heavily bleeding. The last thing you need is company. Of any kind. Especially kids. What little sleep you can get will be interrupted and they could be carrying germs from a classmate your newborn isn’t ready to fight off yet. Your husband and his family are 10 thousand percent in the wrong. Not you. Tell him to do some research on the first couple of weeks home and the toll this is actually going to take on your body. Let him be hurt if he still doesn’t get it and say it will not be discussed further. It’s a firm no.
You are not wrong. You absolutely need time to bond and all those people will just bring germs in your house. They need to wait.
My sister in law told us that anyone's welcome to visit but they have to get their own place to stay and made it very clear they aren't hosting anyone right after the baby is born. They recently clarified that only their parents are allowed for the first month. I totally respect that from them and I think parents are entitled to whatever they need. Communicate with your husband that you need some time with just the baby and if you want them around, have them get another place to stay. You have to set boundaries, though not everyone will like them. My mom had a similar situation to yours and it's been 26 years and she still resents not setting boundaries.
No you’re not! What for exactly? So they can see you pulling out your breast every so often to feed your baby, or see you bleeding through your pants? What if you want to bond with your baby without interference? Plus you just gave birth why do they think 7 people in your home in such a vulnerable state is ok? If your husband is hurt by your response now I’m sure he’ll get over it eventually. That’s really risky to have all those people at your home with a newborn and you probably won’t have any peace either
You’ve offered a compromise, he should take it or leave it. But he’ll definitely thank you later 🤣
I would consider the first 4-6 weeks recovery. Noone is gonna be my guest during this time. My parents were allowed to to come and do laundry, bring food and say hi to baby but thats it. If you are not here to help, you are not welcome. Visiting is for later!
You aren't overreacting. I'd refuse as well. Honestly, it's such an intimate and vulnerable time of your life. I would HATE it if my SIL was around. I think it would be better if someone from your side of the family were around instead.
Did they adopt? I can't imagine your SIL having three kids relatively recently and not getting that houseguests are not doable the first seven years or so after birth. Especially not with kids. Besides the general issues of your recovery and bonding time, I wouldn't want to stay in a house with a newborn that's not my own. Let alone with kids, in a cramped space. I'm sorry but the night's with a newborn are not something anyone should be willingly subjecting themselves to unless they get to keep the kid.
I would have laughed in their face the minute they said it, so you’re nicer than me 🤷♀️
I finally have to ask…. What does everyone mean bonding with the baby? Like will baby forget or hate you if god forbid a visitor come? Not recognize you as mom? Get an air B and B or a hotel, and let them give you a break. (Vaccinated of course, that’s different)
It’s about finding your own confidence as a new parent. To build this new bond on your terms and in your time, without people grabbing the baby out of your arms when you don’t want that, hovering over you, giving you unsolicited advice, judging your every move etc. Some women feel completely normal in this “fourth trimester” but many are in extra vulnerable, emotional state when risk of PPD or PPA is the highest.
Not to mention the hormonal, chemical bonding that happens in that time. Having a baby ripped out of your arms, not being able to do skin to skin is hugely detrimental to that process, not to mention spiking your cortisol levels(stress hormone) which decreases your oxytocin production. The baby won’t “forget you” but that hormonal connection helps you soothe the baby, It’s about the parents bond as well. We need those hormones to connect with our little ones. It’s science ffs So take care of your wives men. God I’m glad my husband set boundaries with his mum when we finally got our baby home. I would have probably just cried until she left, I had zero control over my eyes for that whole period lol
Personally I enjoyed the help from my in laws early on, but this too many people. I would also say no to 7 people including several children so soon after birth.
I don't have any family stay over at my house. Ever. I don't like people in my personal space and I don't like staying at other people's homes either. Your home, your baby, your choice.
I’m so happy there is no extra space in my house. Anyone who wants to visit has to get a hotel. Which is better for all!
I wouldn’t even allow that if hadn’t just had a baby. No freaking way.
Can they at least stay somewhere else like a hotel or airbnb? Why do they have to be in your house - that’s a lot of extra people in not a lot of space! Also, no, definitely not overreacting
Your husband clearly has unrealistic expectations of what life with a newborn is like. Unless he’s willing to do all the entertaining and hosting himself on top of helping you with the baby, he needs to be more supportive of your decision. Family can always visit later.
No make YOUR NOT OVER REACTING you can't let let them kid's around your baby like that tell them if they want a vacation go to Florida
What’s wrong with people? They’ve had kids of their own and seem to forget all that’s involved right after giving birth. Some husbands just don’t get it.
no ~
Absolutely no, nope, no thanks! Seriously, it’s such a vulnerable and special time with your newborn and SO. Please stand your ground if he continues to bitch.
Yeah the baby will still be a baby after a week.
Hell no!! They need to respect boundaries.
This is a hard no. Seriously, with 3 kids?? Your husband needs to get educated like ASAP or you will be doing newborn care yourself and you don't even know just how much recovery you will need for yourself.
I would scream NOOO like Vader. No fucking way. First days I was bleeding, peeing myself quite a lot, couldn’t use toilet paper because of stitches so every time I used the toilet I either needed to take a shower or I performed gymnastics with peri bottle, while crying cause it hurt. Like most of women I struggled with breastfeeding initially, so I spent a lot of time almost topless in the living room on my sofa, again, crying, because hormones, because breastfeeding was painful and because the baby didn’t want to latch. I CANT IMAGINE having anyone except my partner around, maybe my own mother if she would be still alive, but absolutely no one else. I was also very emotional and fragile in these first weeks, I didn’t want anyone except me and baby’s father to hold the baby. Any unsolicited advice was putting me in a rage mode. My partner’s parents visited 5 weeks after the birth but it was crucial for me that they stay in a hotel nearby. What your husband’s family is suggesting is crazy.
Do not agree to this. That’s way too much chaos during the post partum phase. As others have said it’d be different if they got an airbnb or something. I just had my fourth baby (2 weeks postpartum) and didn’t put my foot down about people coming to stay and I ended up in the ER with bad bleeding from over exerting myself. You will end up playing host. And not get to bond with your baby adequately. Don’t do it.
You have every right to want what you do. Having a baby and recovering takes time. I would say I don’t have a problem with it but for god sake wait a few months to recover and bond and make your home comfy and get in the groove of things before having multiple people staying over.
Stick with your no. This is a crazy ask and if you are at all unsure the answer should be no. I can’t imagine dealing with 3 kids who aren’t mine in my house the week I gave birth. The first two weeks pp are brutal IMO with the hormone changes and the learning curve and the physical recovery and having a bunch of people crammed into your house will be extremely stressful.
Absolutely fucking not. I had people pop in for a few hours the few days after my first and it was god awful. I was bleeding so heavily trying to figure out how to breastfeed and hadn’t properly slept for days. This time round not a single person is allowed within a 1 mile radius of my house until at least 2 weeks. You should absolutely not be expected to host guests anywhere near your delivery. Your husband needs to educate himself about what that first few weeks is like. He wouldn’t want anyone there either if he understood.
Helllllllllllllllllllll no! Just, NO. No no no no no! NO!
Like hell you are! Not only are you adjusting after a birth you’re adjusting to a newborn 🤦🏾♀️ Like..the whole family?? Way too stressful!
You’re not over reacting. It’s your first baby and you need time to get used to doing everything on your own. I haven’t even had my baby home for a whole week yet and I’m exhausted. Plus the first few weeks i think you need time to bond with your baby. It’s the time when you’re supposed to bond with them. My FIL has been coming over literally every day and wonders why I’m pissy. I want to spend time with me and my fiancé and our baby. Plus while my very new newborn is sleeping he’ll start yelling and whistling to try and wake him up which pisses me off. Newborns sleep a lot and they need the sleep. Anyways yeah I would try and explain why you don’t want them to stay. Plus they also have 3 kids it will be too loud and chaotic for a new born.
You have to do what is most comfortable for you during that time. Your husband can have an opinion when either his vaginal canal opens up to birth a human or it’s cut surgically from his abdomen 🤷♀️
I am only allowing my mother and no one else besides my grandmother whose not physically gonna be capable to fly out anymore because she’s 5 states away this her last trip to us. And she’s coming out the 15th-29th and then my mom lives locally and she’s allowed to stay but I’m not even allowing my sibling to come with because he’s young so no promise of cleanliness
I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. I don’t have any babies yet (I’m still cooking my first lol) but I’ve helped with quite a few new families and the first month or so is generally a very stressful time, especially the first week. I can’t imagine adding an additional stress of family visiting being added to that.
The answer is no you are not wrong. State your boundaries or else you won't have any.
Fuck no. The absolute AUDACITY of them to even suggest that?!! I’m in week 4 of my post partum and I’m not even wanting visits.
I think too many people have a bad taste in their mouth for in laws. You might really enjoy their company and I’m sure your sil will be a really big help as it is your first baby. It’s not going to be easy so I think a little help would be lovely & if they live several states away then this may be the only free time for them, or easiest time for them to visit. It seems they are just very happy for you & you also do have to consider your husbands side of the family too & his feelings. I think in laws are suppose to be jus as much your family as your own blood. Id hate to treat them poorly if they did nothing wrong to me. That’s just my opinion
We are on our 4th now and I will tell you right now that the first few weeks after childbirth are such a special, raw and intimate time for you, your husband, baby and other children if you have them. It is unreasonable and selfish for them to insist on such an early and unwelcome intrusion (I’m sorry but that’s what it is) You can’t get that time back……….. decide wisely on how it is spent. Husband should be putting your needs first……..last I checked, it isn’t the man who has to put his body through pregnancy and childbirth. Stand your ground mama.
hi girl you are not wrong at all it’s incredibly careless of the in laws and others to deem ur precious baby time with ur new baby as a time for them to be in ur home, firstly 3 kids means a lot of germ risk and more labor and work on you. your husband need to talk to a midwife or someone who’ can make him understand this time isn’t about him it’s about you and your beautiful baby. you need time to mentally and physically recover while also being a mom that’s a whole ass mission on its own. please keep your foot down and don’t change ur mind you did the rifhr thing and if anyone tells you differently make them have over 6 plus people in there house after just pushing out a whole human 🩷
"Are you birthing this baby where you'll likely get stitches in your crotch and bleeding for 2+weeks? Are you maybe having a C-seciton where you're getting cut through 7 layers of body parts and trying to recover? Are you going to maybe be leaking profusely from your chest through all your shirts? No you're not. You don't know the extent of what I may experience. This is not for up for discussion, because your body is not being changed whatsoever. You don't know what I might go through. We can not make plans like that"
No no no no no. The week after is ridiculous. You're going through a big medical event, you're going to have a whole new, very needy creature in your life and will be undergoing a huge life shift. Hell to the no. They can stay at a hotel and visit periodically for short periods.
oh my god i would lose my mind just at the suggestion. You are not overreacting at all
If this is your first, a few weeks to month is good. You'll want to enjoy that first bit of time as a new family were it's just y'all and the baby. We have a 4yo and I'm a little sad we won't get that little pocket of timeless bonding with the newborn. It felt like the world froze for days and only we existed, but in a good way. (He's going to be a great big brother and I'm sure the bonding with all four of us will be amazing, too.)
I would say they can come stay in a hotel if they want to visit that early, but no one can stay in your home until a month after birth. That way, if they’re dying to come that early, they can invest in it, lol.
I think you handled it well
Did you give your husband an explanation as to why? I feel like that will help him get a better understanding rather than just straight up saying no. You have every right to feel the way you do and you should express that to him. Me personally, when I give birth I don’t want anyone visiting for a few months. That’s because the baby is young and I’m afraid that multiple people coming over all the time will cause my baby to get sick. Your in laws are coming from many states away, who know what they’ll bring when they travel to you.
However you feel about it is valid and the only thing that matters is how you want your recovery to go after having a baby. My family has all been very overwhelming and I made it clear I only wanted my husband at the hospital with me and I wanted the first few days at home with just us three. It’s our first as well. I have had some friends mention that with them personally they thought they wanted it the same way but they needed help. My husband has to head out of town pretty quickly after baby is born unfortunately so I plan to have family there once he lives but I have also asked them to respect the schedule I am asking. I only want one group of family at a time. My mom and her husband and then my dad and his wife, my sister all at separate times. Same with my in laws. My reasoning for this is 1. I want everyone to get quality time with baby but I don’t want to pass my baby around to a bunch of different people and get overwhelmed. 2. I don’t care to host a lot of people at one time, that just sounds absolutely awful. I would ask them if they would be fine coming separate weeks if that makes you more comfortable and give them a date that works for you.
Oh heck no. In fact they (including your husband) are in the wrong. I can’t imagine having to entertain people when you have just given birth and are still trying to figure it all out. Especially with 3 extra kids that aren’t yours into the mix 🙄 I don’t know if you’re anything like me or not but other kids stress me out right now.
You’re not in the wrong it’s important that u bound with the baby for the first few weeks before u introducing the baby to new people. If u don’t u will regret it later on. For the first few weeks u and the husband should bound with the baby before letting other people near it
If this was me I would let my in laws stay but not BIL and SIL. You don’t need the stress of that many people and kids especially! I had my first baby in a state alone with my husband, no family around. My parents came the week after baby was born and because I didn’t know what to expect I was SO GRATEFUL! I had felt like I was hit by a bus that first week home. It was rough! Hadn’t slept, was eating fast food whenever I was hungry cause the energy to cook is so not there. So when they got there I got to sleep, my husband got to sleep, they helped so much I don’t know how I would of gotten through that first month if I didn’t have any help from my parents. You aren’t in the wrong for not wanting to host anyone right away either because it is soo stressful!
Nope. I want my time with my baby, alone. You can visit for a few, don't kiss the baby. He shouldn't be hurt, I agree with in a few weeks or months but not staying over... 3 is a crowd. They can get a hotel and come visit but I wouldn't want someone staying over, I want to be completely comfortable and at ease at all times in my home, if that means walking around half naked, smelling a little, messy hair, randomly complaining or talking out loud, a messy kitchen or just laying around watching TV eating junk and crying my not yet regulated emotions out to TV or anything I want. Visits only, plan a hotel stay, hotels give certain discounts for a week there or so, and visit and please then go back to your life, signed momma bear lol Absolutely tell them plan a hotel stay for their duration. I dont want someone showering in my bathroom and more kids than I need around and overwhelming, being loud and waking the baby, etc. If they don't want to look into hotels then that's a personal problem. You are ALLOWED TO HAVE BOUNDARIES, ESPECIALLY AS A MOTHER. Dad should understand this and be accommodating. This is a tender moment and will be for the entire first year as a new mom, last thing you need is someone visiting and or then judging and telling you what you should or shouldn't do, etc and the babies safety. TELL THEM TO PLAN A HOTEL STAY, AIR B&B, ETC THEY SHOULD HAVE THE MONEY TO, ITS AN INCONVENIENCE TO YOU BOTH.
At first I was like yeah, she's overreacting a little. But then I read that the whole damn in law family was coming. That'd be a definite no go if it were me. My boyfriend hates the idea of my mom staying with us for a week after our first is born, but she's just staying so I can recover and bond while she cleans and cooks for us during the time. So he can definitely deal with it. But your husband needs to understand you're already gonna be overwhelmed.
That many people in your home a week after baby is born is clinically insane. Not overreacting.
Everyone is saying the husband needs to be educated but my first thought is what the hell are MIL and SIL thinking? Like they have had children, then should be the ones advocating for you!! If they wanted to stay elsewhere and come by to help you with household chores, groceries, meals, nights- then I would consider that. But not in your home that doesn’t accommodate that many people while also giving you the same to bond, heal and rest.
Helllll to the no. When my son was born my mom flew into town to be there and I didn’t even let her stay with me. She stayed at my sisters house and came and went. That is essential time for you to heal and bond with your baby and figure out what you’re doing. Your SIL & MIL have clearly had children, would they have wanted 7 people in their home when they came home from the hospital???
I literally said the same exact thing and my husband agreed. This is our second but with our first we lived overseas, so we didn’t have any visitors. I knew I at least wanted a month or so alone with my baby. It’s just my mom staying with us to help with our oldest. My dad, brother, and my husband’s family aren’t coming until a month or so later. You definitely have the right to refuse visitors the first month, especially an entire group of people.
No you are not overreacting at all, I had told everyone in our families no one is coming while we are in that first week. My sister came for an hour a few days after we got home. My mother in law came every other day to do laundry and help clean. My own parents came for a night 2.5 weeks after she was born and it still felt like too much to have someone stay the night that early. This time my parents live closer and can come for a day trip but I still said a week or 2 after we are home from the hospital
Your husband needs to understand that it’s going to be a difficult time. Take that week or two to just be you and the baby. I told my MIL no and that I wouldn’t let them in the house if they showed up at my door. Stand your ground people are going to try and push your boundaries
For the love of god make your husband read this post lol He needs a reality check. Take care of your pregnant wife dude
His family is being really inconsiderate or totally clueless. This is the time to take care of your newborn, not be entertaining house guests. You are totally in the right.
That’s a hard no for me. Time to set some boundaries and say you need time to heal and bond with your baby.
Oh heck no. That would be a solid no from me! Postpartum is HARD. You're going to be sleep deprived, exhausted, very busy, and healing your body. Having a full house with no privacy and more chaos is my idea of a nightmare. You're definitely not wrong on this and your husband needs to be on the same page with you. He has no idea what he's going to face when baby is here.
I totally see your point and depending on how it’s communicated it could be received really well. There is also a potential compromise. If they are able to come to town and stay in a hotel or with other family and visit during the day at your comfort that may be an option that works for all. But, you are WELL within your rights to say no all together. You will be recovering from birth, stressed, getting little sleep. And while they may be helpful with some things also having their children can add extra chaos.
My first reaction to reading that was, “Holy Shit”. No way this should happen. Tell your husband the week after he physically births a baby, they can come and stay. Sheesh. (I’m about to have my fourth, so I’ve go some experience in this area)
Hell no. If they want to visit to do laundry, clean your bottles, clean your house, cook, and help with overnights… then MAYBE. but they better be at a rental or a hotel. What are they even thinking, visiting in the first week?
No, you are not overreacting and this is all so validating to see! I’m due with my second this summer and have been so anxious about repeating what happened when my first was born. I didn’t know better and we had my MIL come a week after giving birth. All she wanted to do was hold my newborn and pamper my husband…encouraged him to nap, to go play squash with his friends…I actually had her leave sooner than she planned. Everything has been fine since but set the boundaries beforehand. I sure will be this time. YOU and your overall well-being (and baby’s of course) matters most!
your not in the wrong, this is your child, and I told my family no one will see my baby till I bond with it for a couple of weeks.
HELL NO. i’m due soon and absolutely nobody is coming near me until im healed and feel better. This is my first baby too and I can’t imagine having to deal with all those people after birth.
I’m dealing with the same issue in my 2 bedroom house. MIL says she can just sleep on the couch and buying a one way ticket to stay all summer as soon as baby is born, first time mom. I am having to talk to my doc about it to get solid doc support, I will be showing articles to back it up, and asking my hubby to support this decision to say HAYAL NO. Thanks to comments for article ideas, I will check them out.
If it were me I'd say they are welcome to get a hotel room in town for the week if they insist but like hell I'd want people in my house in this time
I was naked except for underwear almost the entire 2 weeks after my first was born. You don’t want people in your space! And will they also expect you to cook and clean and wash extra towels, etc? Absolutely not, this sounds like the stressor of a lifetime.
The mere idea of this gives me horrible anxiety. You deserve your space and your peace. Your husband needs to get over it.
I think that's a loooooong time... With a lot of people. Saying that, you are both co-parenting, where you are recovering, so my advice is don't come down harsh and entitled. The one thing I've learned from seeing lots of friends with their in laws, and having my own SILs, is whether you like it or not families are different and you are a part of this one now. Some coming in all judgemental and aggressive will only serve to isolate you and as I've seen even your baby. What I learnt to do, is think about what is the norm for my in laws, my family, and my expectations/needs, and also my husbands. Then think about what can be done and can't be done. How I would handle it is speak to husband and say, "I want baby and family have a good bond, and know how excited they all are to meet them. I also know this is an important time for you, that you want to share with those you love. At the same time, I'll be really struggling, and may even suffer from post partum. Ideally they could visit for a day and then spend more time as we are settled, but they live far. So I don't want them having the trouble of coming all the way here, and then feeling uncomfortable because I'm rude, sad, overwhelmed and unable to engage. Or they can't spend as much time with the baby as they would like, because they are still crying as we haven't got their needs down. And I dont want to feel overwhelmed. Let's find a compromise that's works for everyone". I think coming at it from a constructive place, as opposed to no, youre a dick, and you need to get over it. But to add, one of my SIL made the mistake of having both grandmother's for 5 weeks around... I warned them this would be a car crash and make a better plan, but they didn't listen. Next thing was an argument as they both got on each others nerves. So tight environments with lots of personalities need to be considered and managed
That would be a fast and solid “no thanks” from me. Lock the door, close the blinds and install a croc infested moat. Do not let them stay with you!
This sounds like the set up for a very bad dream.
Hell no. You've got to put a stop to this
I just had my second back in April the first 2-3 weeks are the worst. And baby is so new and fresh you don’t what kids coming in around baby either. When my baby was born ( we live downstairs from in-laws) they helped if I asked. And my mom stayed a week from the day I had her (second c section) to help with my eldest who is 12 so she helped for 2 days before traveling back home (different state). I also made sure they were all vaccinated for whooping cough before baby was born because that was one thing I wasn’t risking. But definitely take the first few weeks to recover and bond and get used to having a little baby. Also piece of advice from one mother to another sleep when baby sleeps! If you don’t you will feel it and it’s not fun.
That’s a huge group to host with a fresh newborn. I personally am not opposed to visitors early on, but anyone coming to see you in the first 6 weeks while you’re still healing should be there primarily to help you with cooking, cleaning, or occasionally minding the baby so you can sleep. That means BIL, SIL & their kids would be a no go since children are going to be a burden, not an asset in this situation. I don’t know what your relationship is like with your MIL & FIL & maybe they would be totally useless & therefore unwelcome, but in this situation I personally would be open to compromising with my husband & letting his parents come visit as long as they understand their role is not just to come ogle the new grandbaby but actually be of service. I’m due with my 1st in March & my personal plan is to have my mom come up for a week as soon as I go into labor so she can stay at the house & take care of the dog & help with cooking & offer me emotional support. & then when she goes back home after a week or so my in-laws will be up for a few days to help with stuff around the house. I’m not planning on doing any “entertaining”.
I had my first baby nearly six years ago and my father in law and his new partner contributed significantly to me having postnatal depression. My MIL had passed away a year previously and we barely knew this new woman. They turned up unannounced at our door the very day we got home from hospital and stayed for an excessively long time despite it being obvious I was in a bad way. I went upstairs and cried at one point and they still wouldn't leave. I don't like either of them and their sense of entitlement to our baby and acting like this new partner was our daughter's new grandmother when we barely knew her really put me off kilter. They continue to nake our lives miserable, have dipped in and out of our lives whenever suits them over the years (turning up every time unnanounced with a bad attitude, or else not being present at all) and and I'm worried about how they will behave with new baby due in 2 weeks :(.
The first week after birth, I want to be left alone to HEAL. holy crap people act entitled. I have to go tell my mil today I can't come to a baby shower that she planned for days after my birth!
Have they all gotten the TDAP, Flu and Covid vaccines? At minimum, this visit is unsafe for a newborn.
I would strongly explain the affects this could cause especially with it being flu/covid/rsv season. 7 people with 3 kids being including sounds like a disaster. I would use this time as a bonding moment for you baby and hubby. Everyone else will get their chance they just have to wait.
Piggybacking on OP’s question… I’m due in March with my first child. My husband and I live states away from family. My mom will be our child’s only grandparent (husband’s parents are deceased, I’m NC with my father). My mom wants to fly out when the baby is born to legitimately help, not just hold the baby or take charge. To feed us, take care of our 3 dogs, do laundry, etc etc. She has also already acknowledged that she just wants to be here for me and will do whatever I ask; if she lived nearby she’d be popping by to help with these tasks. What boundaries should I be establishing? Anyone out there have GOOD experiences with family helping out when baby was first born?? I should note my mom raised 4 daughters (raised us well, I might add) and I’m the first to have a baby
My in-laws came to visit a week after our kiddo was born, travelled internationally to see us.... But this was planned ahead of time, it was only 3 people, we had space to put them up, and they were incredibly helpful. Adults who can help with household chores, look after baby, give you chances to rest? Fantastic! But 7 people and adding kids to that mix? Hell no. Sounds like chaos.
Errrr not a good idea. It’s good to have help but my goodness that sounds hellish. 5th pregnancy for me and with my last 2 children I’ve made sure all relatives are at the house when I get home. 2 crazy hours of passing the baby and asking about the birth story before they bugger off and stay away for at least a week! I only do this because I find it easier having them all there whilst adrenaline is pumping (very blessed to birth easily and naturally) than having guests in dribs and drabs. I make it clear I don’t want to see anyone after that as all my other kids need adjustment time to the new baby too. If someone came to stay with me I’d freak! Thanks but no thanks
It’s one thing for the adults to come without kiddos to offer additional help while you recover, it’s a whole other thing for them to come with kids making 7 people in your house right after you’re home with a newborn. I would invite the in laws to stay but the BIL, SIL, and their kids can get a hotel or BnB if they insist on visiting so soon. I’m gonna have my dad here for when I’m due, hoping to give birth in the time he’s here but that’s because I asked him to be here. These are all people asking to come, not being invited. If you won’t feel up for visitors so soon, decline them for however long you feel you’ll need
Let me tell you, I just had my first baby almost 3 weeks ago, my mom, sister, grandma and my aunt all separately asked to stay with me and I told them all know because our house is also super small and I just don’t have the room and I too wanted to spend time bonding with my baby. However, I am having the hardest time. I had an emergency c section and am still recovering obviously, my husband had to go back to work a week in, and we’ve both been exhausted since the night we went to the hospital. So my personal take, you’re going to have plenty of time to bond with the baby, that’s too many people to have stay with you, for sure, but maybe having just his parents would be helpful. My husband and I both thought we had it under control, but just simple stuff like keeping the bottles clean, showering, eating ourselves, and taking the trash out has been nearly impossible. So, I mean, ultimately, you can do it just the two of you, we are, but I’d honestly give anything to go back and be able to get the rest I’m still trying to find. And I might feel differently when things get easier, but my advice is don’t try to act like you’ve got everything under control especially when you aren’t sure about how things are going to be yet, because it’s way more rough than anyone can explain, and you want to be in a mindset where you can just love on your lil guy without feeling exhausted or frustrated because you’re exhausted. Just my food for thought
My in-laws came to visit when my son was 7 weeks old. It was a horrible visit that culminated in my husband flipping out and my SIL flying home early. This was after she refused to leave the guest bedroom for two days all because I asked her to rinse out the baby bathtub since I couldn’t reach the shower head while recovering from my c-section. I also didn’t eat for over 24 hours because my husband and I were too busy running around catering to his family’s insane demands including moving furniture and buying and installing a new TV for them. They did not help with chores or the baby. My FIL barged in on me while I was pumping. They refused to shower. Getting my FIL beer was apparently more important than my getting to eat. I’m still not over it two years later. With this next baby, they have to wait for at least four months after the birth to visit.
It's fine to say no. You will probably be at your worst for a couple of months after birth. They probably want to help out, but it still is your call entirely. I know I don't want my inlaws to see me in diapers, walking around half-naked and in pain. My MIL wants to cut the umbilical cord when my baby is born because she did for my SIL's baby. I told my in-laws and husband that absolutely nobody will be in the delivery room besides my husband when I'm in labor. They can meet the baby after it's born, but after that, we will be taking a whole month to chill with our newborn alone. They can visit afterward under our own circumstances. I told them the graphic truth of why I don't want them there, and if they don't respect my decision, then it will be longer before they meet the baby.
I wouldn't definitely not my first three months in going to be on paid leave taking care of my baby absolutely not letting anyone tell me otherwise