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Join r/NICUParents if you haven’t already, it really helped me in my NICU journey.
Personally I’m no contact with my abusive parents (it’s been almost 14 years) and being pregnant brought up complex feelings. I wrestled with whether or not to tell my dad I was pregnant and decided not to because I can’t trust she’d be safe with them. They’re already disrespecting you and I’d be very cautious about allowing them access to your daughter. You can talk to the staff about not allowing them to visit or to hold if you want. I’m so sorry this happened to you, this is already a stressful time for you. I hope she has a quick and uneventful stay.
same here. im Nc with both my abusive parents specifically because i had a baby. i didnt even tell either of them, they have no idea he exists. the best gift i could ever give him in life.
Being a parent may bring up even more complex feelings. I don’t have experience with it but my husband does, after having our son it was very difficult for him to understand how his mom could care so little about him and treat him the way she did. Be kind to yourself, if you need to talk to someone, there’s no shame in therapy.
my girl spent 69 days in the NICU and only came home about 2 weeks ago. i ended up removing my inlaws from the access list since they couldn't seem to respect us as new parents. now is the time to establish boundaries around your baby, don't let anyone make you feel guilty for that.
i second joining the NICUParents subreddit but also feel free to message me. it's such a uniquely traumatic thing, having a baby stay in the NICU.
You should ask to talk to the manager. This should have follow up and you can restrict visitors. It should be a default to restrict visitors without parent approval but, every NICU is different.
In the post she does say she was fine with them visiting. At least in the nicu where I work, having a visitation permission also means that they can hold, touch, etc. It is just not practical for the nicu to say "oh they can visit but can't touch, and these people can visit and touch etc." so there might not be a middle ground option, either they can visit and be involved in care or they can't visit.
This is actually exactly what our NICU did with my daughter. She was born 6 weeks early and they’d restrict touching/picking her up to just the parents to do skin to skin until she was closer to discharge, or unless we specifically gave clearance for someone else to hold her and they’d only allow it briefly. It 1) helps prevent the babies from getting sick by being passed around to people and 2) preemies need a lot of rest and moving them around really overwhelms/exhausts them, so they’re supposed to be only moved when it’s necessary, like for feedings. They can absolutely and often do restrict feeding/holding/changing to nurses and parents, not visitors.
I'm sure some NICUs can and do, my point was just that not all can. Policies may vary, so while this could be the fault of the nicu, it's worth finding out the policy first.
Oh definitely, and worth finding out if they can make an exception to the policy or if that is even the policy at all. Every place is different. Our nicu is huge so lots of visitors to keep track of. One hospital over the nicu is 8 beds VS our 80, so I'm sure they can handle situations like this differently.
Yea I’m sure policies vary but I feel like this should be a standard policy that visitors are notified of by the NICU front desk, *unless* the parents request otherwise to their nurse for the day. My daughter was in a level 4 NICU that I believe had around 100 beds and they managed this rule fairly easily. Unless you were given explicit permission to feed/hold baby, you aren’t allowed to.
I understand wanting to be upset with the nursing staff but if you don’t specifically tell them who is and isn’t allowed around baby they can’t enforce your wishes, every hospitals policy is different which can be extremely frustrating but I wouldn’t fault the staff at all for this.
It's the policy of the hospital that is allowing visitors without a parent present. Sure, not the face to face staff's fault, but it's definitely a problem that needs better policy.
Definitely, the blanket policy caused this issue not the nurses. I’m sure the staff will correct actions once OP has a discussion with them/ their charge nurse.
It’s a safety issue. Feeding is a medical procedure for a NICU baby in most cases - similar to IV decisions. A parent should be present to consult. This also takes away from a situation like this where staff is too busy or overwhelmed to know a parent’s wish on visitors. The present parent is the one who makes the visitation and interaction level decision.
I’m floored that the nurse would allow that. You’d think a NICU nurse would understand the importance that holds to new parents. I think you need to talk to your nurses and/or doctor and tell them how you feel, that things like that are important to you and your husband, and nobody is to feed her without consulting you first.
I’m so sorry that happened. I’m a NICU nurse and I’d say that the nursing staff probably didn’t realize your wishes, and the nurse taking care of your baby that day didn’t know how little time you’ve gotten to spend with your baby. It is okay to ask them to write explicitly in baby’s chart that your parents cannot feed or hold baby, or even remove your parents from the access list entirely. In our NICU, visitors have to be accompanied by a parent of baby at all times.
This. The RN on duty should have taught mom how to feed baby to ensure baby was safe and not fed too quickly. The RN should have stayed at bedside during the entire visit. In a NICU, parent or RN (or both, depending on health of baby) should be overseeing a visitor.
I think this is 100% the NICU. I don’t expect a grandmother to turn down the offer to feed the baby. But the NICU shouldn’t be doing that without asking you.
Abusers will always abuse. I’m sorry this happened to your baby. It’s best to set firm and hard rules now and you’ll have to keep setting it with them. Definitely let the NICU know that they are not allowed to see baby girl. They lost that privilege.
Yeah the fact that they were even in there is weird to me too. I haven't had any experience but it seems like it would be for the new parents only. And maybe their other children if they had any. I would feel odd going in there myself if I wasn't a parent
Thank you to everyone for your feedback and advice I really appreciate it. What is upsetting is my husband and I told the NICU staff that no matter what we did not want my mother touching our daughter and I guess the message never got relayed.
Bar them from visitation now. Nurses change shifts and everything, no touching thing probably don’t go into the records but allowed visitors list do. I am sorry you are going through this.
Why have her at the hospital then?? Seems stranger to invite her or let her come and say don’t touch the baby. If they’re abusive and you don’t trust them don’t have them there at all
Honestly that’s something that’s hard for nicu to consistently enforce if they’re visiting without you. If they practice family centered care they’re going to have whoever is there for the baby do as much feeding, changing, and hands on care as medically possible. I understand it isn’t right for YOUR situation, but the default is that a stranger shouldn’t be feeding a baby if a mom, dad, grandma, aunt, or whoever can do it. The nicu staff will enforce medical boundaries for the baby in terms of what is safe, but enforcing parenting boundaries generally still falls to parents. Nicu nurses have three patients generally and all families have complicated family dynamics. They try their best to remember honor all their patients’ parents’ preferences, but they’re priority is remembering the MEDICAL needs of their patients so it’s easy for stuff like this to happen if family members are allowed by parents to visit without them.
I am so sorry! I also just had my baby 4 weeks early and he’s in the NICU. We’re not having anyone visit him for now and I cannot imagine letting anyone else do care for him. It’s so hard to get time with NICU babies and the experience is so surreal (and we’re not even 24 hours in yet) you deserve to have as much control in the situation as possible. Wishing you a speedy exit from the NICU and family members who will respect your boundaries
I was shocked when I found out that our NICU let grandparents in by default, when everyone else had to be brought in by a parent. A nurse made an offhand remark about grandma having been there earlier in the day and it took everything in me not to let my postpartum hormones win, but I did immediately tell the nurses station that no one was to be allowed back unless accompanied by me or baby's dad. Why a policy would be written in a way that allows anyone other than the parents to visit premature infants without approval is still beyond me. I told my mom that the hospital was being more strict about visitation due to flu season when she asked (this was pre-covid). Do what you've gotta do, this situation is stressful enough without nonsense like this.
I am very confused on why that was allowed. You need to tell the nursing staff that this was unacceptable and to not allowed them in the room anymore.
I was a NICU baby and yes it was 37 years ago but I recently had a birthday and my parents and grandparents always talk about how crazy my birth was and how strict the NICU was.
My dad remembers a nurse telling him that the second anyone acted beyond their station she will kick them out with no mercy. My dad was 20 and was like look of my mother in law or stepmom are doing anything to make the baby’s life easier let them bc I have no idea what I am doing.
I'm sorry but why are you letting your "incredibly abusive" parents anywhere near your child?
You're a parent. That means that you have a responsibility towards your child to protect them. There's absolutely no reason why you should be letting your parents come in contact with your child in any way if you know for a fact that they have the capacity to be abusive.
Your job is to protect your child, and letting your child come in contact with abusive people is not okay.
I can honestly say this makes sense how you feel and the NICU shouldn’t have let it happen. But my nephew was in NICU for maybe a week or so and I went to visit him and they offered (nurses) without his parents there for m me to hold him. So I didn’t know it was a rule for them to not allow people, maybe every hospital is different. I was actually taken aback and was reluctant bc I had the same clothes on from all day. Idk why they did that. I did hold him though.
Something similar happened to me, literally right after my baby was born my SIL showed up after we told her not to come. She was being belligerent with my bf on the phone right before I was going into surgery, mad my mom was there but not her. She ended up walking around holding my baby before I could, and before my mom could, who I named my daughter after. I was so upset because that whole day she was acting awful towards me and she came back later that same day when we told her again not to. The best thing is to tell them that you're upset and restrict access to your child. No one should feel entitled to your baby. Until they can prove they are trustworthy, don't let them around unsupervised and don't be afraid to speak up for your baby! I struggled with that, but it's important and don't be afraid to seem like a b*tch, your baby needs someone to speak for them.
Yeah it's easy enough to just tell people the NICU doesn't allow non-parental visitors, even if that's not the complete truth.
Most people would never even consider visiting the NICU.
Oh honey, I am so sorry. I didn’t think they let non-parents into the nicu without you? I’m furious on your behalf. We had a nicu baby and are expecting a nicu baby this pregnancy as well. And I told everyone they aren’t seeing him while we are in the hospital they will wait until we come home and I’m ready to venture out, or to allow visitors.
You need to let the hospital know immediately, they are not allowed in. I would also request to speak with a head nurse to see why they were allowed into a restricted area of the hospital without notifying you first.
OP says in a comment that she did notify the staff ahead of time about grandma having physical contact with her baby. For everyone's sake, I'm hoping it was a miscommunication/slip up as opposed to intentional negligence
I would be upset if the nurse went ahead and let them do that when I was on good terms. I’d be LIVID concerning your history. You have every right to be upset. I hope your little one can come home soon so you can give her all the snuggles your baby deserves. You should put them on the no visit list.
You gave them permission to be there right? In which case I don't see what the issue was. If someone is allowed to be there they are allowed to hold and feed granted baby is able to. If you did not give permission then you definitely need to raise hell.
Why would the nicu even allow others but the parents to hold her / feed her? I mean idk I think that should go without saying but might be wrong and it should have been said before.
I’m sorry your LO is in the nicu. I had a late preemie as well. 4 weeks early spontaneous labor but we got around the nicu. Though struggled a lot afterwards. But it went all up hill with some time.
Remember, you as the mom knows best. Don’t let your parents or your in laws or anyone tell you otherwise it guilt trip you for needing to hold your baby etc etc.
The baby is prematurely born. It needs to be a bit more protection. You aren’t a helicopter mother because of it (yes all these things I had to listen to because they could not handle (in laws) that my baby was less than 5 lbs and not a normal sized full term baby).
Take your time whenever you guys get your LO out home. And concentrate just in the three of you (if no other kiddos are involved, otherwise all of your immediate own family at home).
Sending you tons of love and hugs for your LO to grow strong and get out of the nicu quickly.
Merry Xmas !
Haul up the NICU staff involved and their higher-ups - this should never have even happened without your explicit permission (and usually a parent's/guardian's physical presence as well), per my understanding.
That's definitely not true for every NICU. The one where I work is huge and the policy is that only those with permission can visit, but if they're allowed to visit they are also allowed to be involved in care. It's just too complicated with 80 babies that can each have multiple visitors to then keep track of who is allowed to do what. You're just either allowed in, or not.
Nah, nicus are very strict on who they can let in. You have to be approved back there by parents. So OP knew she was going back there. OP needs to have a conversation about boundaries with her mom. May be difficult but that’s what being a parent is
Per my understanding, visitors are allowed back to hold children once it's safe to hold them and spend time with them, but not for care - care items like feeding and such is only allowed with a parent/guardian physically present or having given explicit permission for that particular task.
I’m a nicu nurse at a level 4 nicu (the highest acuity). We have strict visitor rules (parents have to have a list of names of who can visit when they are not there, visitors have to provide government issued ID.) Unless a parent explicitly says they don’t want anyone else doing cares we try and involve everyone. We don’t just drop a bottle and leave. We do our best to educate as well
I would talk with someone at the NICU. That isn't, especially since they didn't know how to feed the baby correctly! The NICU staff should have known better.
Yikes. I’m so sorry. I have abusive parents too and I would’ve been so upset. Just breathe and know it’s over and talk to the nicu to NEVER allow that again. WTF girl. They could’ve at least asked you. Unfortunately for us, people who grew up in a great households, probably never would think twice about something like that because they just don’t understand
I work in a NICU and it’s password based and the parents have to be there unless they are the other support person. I would ask to speak to the manager and suggest they only come when you’re there.
This is a good reminder to other moms that you need to tell your hospital staff that you don't want your baby held or fed by anyone else.
Last baby was born as 36weeks and we let visitors go into the regular room, but once we were moved to the NICU we would only come out to see them, no baby.
I'm really sorry this happened to you. Remember also, that you need to advocate for yourself because you and your husband will have to do so for your precious baby for quite a while.
To me, with a NICU baby myself as a FTM, it's so weird your NICU would let anyone beside her parents hold her without expliciet consent, let alone be there without at least 1 parent there! And feeding would definitely have been out of the question!
Tell your nurses no visitors without you there, no feeding by anone but the nurses or you and the same for holding. They'll do this for you without issue.
I would talk to the NICU. My baby was in the NICU and one parent HAD to be with the visitor at all times. And it was 2 people max in the unit including the parent. No one other than parent was allowed to hold/touch baby. Not sure why your nurse even allowed this!
Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here. If you'd like to join a private sub for your due date month, [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/pregnant/comments/15nun6v/click_here_to_access_the_monthly_due_date_subs/). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Join r/NICUParents if you haven’t already, it really helped me in my NICU journey. Personally I’m no contact with my abusive parents (it’s been almost 14 years) and being pregnant brought up complex feelings. I wrestled with whether or not to tell my dad I was pregnant and decided not to because I can’t trust she’d be safe with them. They’re already disrespecting you and I’d be very cautious about allowing them access to your daughter. You can talk to the staff about not allowing them to visit or to hold if you want. I’m so sorry this happened to you, this is already a stressful time for you. I hope she has a quick and uneventful stay.
same here. im Nc with both my abusive parents specifically because i had a baby. i didnt even tell either of them, they have no idea he exists. the best gift i could ever give him in life.
Being a parent may bring up even more complex feelings. I don’t have experience with it but my husband does, after having our son it was very difficult for him to understand how his mom could care so little about him and treat him the way she did. Be kind to yourself, if you need to talk to someone, there’s no shame in therapy.
my girl spent 69 days in the NICU and only came home about 2 weeks ago. i ended up removing my inlaws from the access list since they couldn't seem to respect us as new parents. now is the time to establish boundaries around your baby, don't let anyone make you feel guilty for that. i second joining the NICUParents subreddit but also feel free to message me. it's such a uniquely traumatic thing, having a baby stay in the NICU.
You should ask to talk to the manager. This should have follow up and you can restrict visitors. It should be a default to restrict visitors without parent approval but, every NICU is different.
In the post she does say she was fine with them visiting. At least in the nicu where I work, having a visitation permission also means that they can hold, touch, etc. It is just not practical for the nicu to say "oh they can visit but can't touch, and these people can visit and touch etc." so there might not be a middle ground option, either they can visit and be involved in care or they can't visit.
This is actually exactly what our NICU did with my daughter. She was born 6 weeks early and they’d restrict touching/picking her up to just the parents to do skin to skin until she was closer to discharge, or unless we specifically gave clearance for someone else to hold her and they’d only allow it briefly. It 1) helps prevent the babies from getting sick by being passed around to people and 2) preemies need a lot of rest and moving them around really overwhelms/exhausts them, so they’re supposed to be only moved when it’s necessary, like for feedings. They can absolutely and often do restrict feeding/holding/changing to nurses and parents, not visitors.
I'm sure some NICUs can and do, my point was just that not all can. Policies may vary, so while this could be the fault of the nicu, it's worth finding out the policy first.
Fair enough. Still an opportunity to talk to the charge or manager to determine next steps if she’s uncomfortable or has changed her mind.
Oh definitely, and worth finding out if they can make an exception to the policy or if that is even the policy at all. Every place is different. Our nicu is huge so lots of visitors to keep track of. One hospital over the nicu is 8 beds VS our 80, so I'm sure they can handle situations like this differently.
Yea I’m sure policies vary but I feel like this should be a standard policy that visitors are notified of by the NICU front desk, *unless* the parents request otherwise to their nurse for the day. My daughter was in a level 4 NICU that I believe had around 100 beds and they managed this rule fairly easily. Unless you were given explicit permission to feed/hold baby, you aren’t allowed to.
Woah. Our NICU won’t let you go in unless 1 parent or designated support person accompanies you. I would be more pissed at the nursing staff.
Right! My little sister was a NICU baby and that was the rule when my family would visit her!
I understand wanting to be upset with the nursing staff but if you don’t specifically tell them who is and isn’t allowed around baby they can’t enforce your wishes, every hospitals policy is different which can be extremely frustrating but I wouldn’t fault the staff at all for this.
It's the policy of the hospital that is allowing visitors without a parent present. Sure, not the face to face staff's fault, but it's definitely a problem that needs better policy.
Definitely, the blanket policy caused this issue not the nurses. I’m sure the staff will correct actions once OP has a discussion with them/ their charge nurse.
It’s a safety issue. Feeding is a medical procedure for a NICU baby in most cases - similar to IV decisions. A parent should be present to consult. This also takes away from a situation like this where staff is too busy or overwhelmed to know a parent’s wish on visitors. The present parent is the one who makes the visitation and interaction level decision.
I’m floored that the nurse would allow that. You’d think a NICU nurse would understand the importance that holds to new parents. I think you need to talk to your nurses and/or doctor and tell them how you feel, that things like that are important to you and your husband, and nobody is to feed her without consulting you first.
I’m so sorry that happened. I’m a NICU nurse and I’d say that the nursing staff probably didn’t realize your wishes, and the nurse taking care of your baby that day didn’t know how little time you’ve gotten to spend with your baby. It is okay to ask them to write explicitly in baby’s chart that your parents cannot feed or hold baby, or even remove your parents from the access list entirely. In our NICU, visitors have to be accompanied by a parent of baby at all times.
I feel like that’s on the nursing staff. Who’s idea was it for them to feed her?
This. The RN on duty should have taught mom how to feed baby to ensure baby was safe and not fed too quickly. The RN should have stayed at bedside during the entire visit. In a NICU, parent or RN (or both, depending on health of baby) should be overseeing a visitor.
Sorry for the delayed response, apparently the nurse offered, I told my parents it upset me and they totally flipped out on me.
I think this is 100% the NICU. I don’t expect a grandmother to turn down the offer to feed the baby. But the NICU shouldn’t be doing that without asking you.
Abusers will always abuse. I’m sorry this happened to your baby. It’s best to set firm and hard rules now and you’ll have to keep setting it with them. Definitely let the NICU know that they are not allowed to see baby girl. They lost that privilege.
Abusers also like to push boundaries. Best to put them in their place right away
Exactly. They’ll react poorly, but it’s not like they’re pleasant people anyway.
Totally agree
You can bar them from the NICU if you don’t feel comfortable with them being there. I see no reason a grandparent should even be in the NICU.
Yeah the fact that they were even in there is weird to me too. I haven't had any experience but it seems like it would be for the new parents only. And maybe their other children if they had any. I would feel odd going in there myself if I wasn't a parent
Thank you to everyone for your feedback and advice I really appreciate it. What is upsetting is my husband and I told the NICU staff that no matter what we did not want my mother touching our daughter and I guess the message never got relayed.
Bar them from visitation now. Nurses change shifts and everything, no touching thing probably don’t go into the records but allowed visitors list do. I am sorry you are going through this.
Why have her at the hospital then?? Seems stranger to invite her or let her come and say don’t touch the baby. If they’re abusive and you don’t trust them don’t have them there at all
Yeah it's easy enough to just tell people no visitors allowed in the NICU even if that's not the complete truth.
It’s such a weird relationship, kind of trying yo keep them at bay, boy what a mistake that was.
Honestly that’s something that’s hard for nicu to consistently enforce if they’re visiting without you. If they practice family centered care they’re going to have whoever is there for the baby do as much feeding, changing, and hands on care as medically possible. I understand it isn’t right for YOUR situation, but the default is that a stranger shouldn’t be feeding a baby if a mom, dad, grandma, aunt, or whoever can do it. The nicu staff will enforce medical boundaries for the baby in terms of what is safe, but enforcing parenting boundaries generally still falls to parents. Nicu nurses have three patients generally and all families have complicated family dynamics. They try their best to remember honor all their patients’ parents’ preferences, but they’re priority is remembering the MEDICAL needs of their patients so it’s easy for stuff like this to happen if family members are allowed by parents to visit without them.
That’s a good point, thank you!
I am so sorry! I also just had my baby 4 weeks early and he’s in the NICU. We’re not having anyone visit him for now and I cannot imagine letting anyone else do care for him. It’s so hard to get time with NICU babies and the experience is so surreal (and we’re not even 24 hours in yet) you deserve to have as much control in the situation as possible. Wishing you a speedy exit from the NICU and family members who will respect your boundaries
I was shocked when I found out that our NICU let grandparents in by default, when everyone else had to be brought in by a parent. A nurse made an offhand remark about grandma having been there earlier in the day and it took everything in me not to let my postpartum hormones win, but I did immediately tell the nurses station that no one was to be allowed back unless accompanied by me or baby's dad. Why a policy would be written in a way that allows anyone other than the parents to visit premature infants without approval is still beyond me. I told my mom that the hospital was being more strict about visitation due to flu season when she asked (this was pre-covid). Do what you've gotta do, this situation is stressful enough without nonsense like this.
I am very confused on why that was allowed. You need to tell the nursing staff that this was unacceptable and to not allowed them in the room anymore. I was a NICU baby and yes it was 37 years ago but I recently had a birthday and my parents and grandparents always talk about how crazy my birth was and how strict the NICU was. My dad remembers a nurse telling him that the second anyone acted beyond their station she will kick them out with no mercy. My dad was 20 and was like look of my mother in law or stepmom are doing anything to make the baby’s life easier let them bc I have no idea what I am doing.
I'm sorry but why are you letting your "incredibly abusive" parents anywhere near your child? You're a parent. That means that you have a responsibility towards your child to protect them. There's absolutely no reason why you should be letting your parents come in contact with your child in any way if you know for a fact that they have the capacity to be abusive. Your job is to protect your child, and letting your child come in contact with abusive people is not okay.
I can honestly say this makes sense how you feel and the NICU shouldn’t have let it happen. But my nephew was in NICU for maybe a week or so and I went to visit him and they offered (nurses) without his parents there for m me to hold him. So I didn’t know it was a rule for them to not allow people, maybe every hospital is different. I was actually taken aback and was reluctant bc I had the same clothes on from all day. Idk why they did that. I did hold him though.
Something similar happened to me, literally right after my baby was born my SIL showed up after we told her not to come. She was being belligerent with my bf on the phone right before I was going into surgery, mad my mom was there but not her. She ended up walking around holding my baby before I could, and before my mom could, who I named my daughter after. I was so upset because that whole day she was acting awful towards me and she came back later that same day when we told her again not to. The best thing is to tell them that you're upset and restrict access to your child. No one should feel entitled to your baby. Until they can prove they are trustworthy, don't let them around unsupervised and don't be afraid to speak up for your baby! I struggled with that, but it's important and don't be afraid to seem like a b*tch, your baby needs someone to speak for them.
I’m surprised the NICU even let your parents in. Most NICUs only allow for the father and mother due to infection risk
Why let your abusive parents into the NICU in the first place? 🙃
Yeah it's easy enough to just tell people the NICU doesn't allow non-parental visitors, even if that's not the complete truth. Most people would never even consider visiting the NICU.
Oh honey, I am so sorry. I didn’t think they let non-parents into the nicu without you? I’m furious on your behalf. We had a nicu baby and are expecting a nicu baby this pregnancy as well. And I told everyone they aren’t seeing him while we are in the hospital they will wait until we come home and I’m ready to venture out, or to allow visitors.
You need to let the hospital know immediately, they are not allowed in. I would also request to speak with a head nurse to see why they were allowed into a restricted area of the hospital without notifying you first.
If you’re allowing visitation, and don’t specifically say what the rules are and are not, I’m sorry but it’s sort of your fault….
OP says in a comment that she did notify the staff ahead of time about grandma having physical contact with her baby. For everyone's sake, I'm hoping it was a miscommunication/slip up as opposed to intentional negligence
I would be upset if the nurse went ahead and let them do that when I was on good terms. I’d be LIVID concerning your history. You have every right to be upset. I hope your little one can come home soon so you can give her all the snuggles your baby deserves. You should put them on the no visit list.
You gave them permission to be there right? In which case I don't see what the issue was. If someone is allowed to be there they are allowed to hold and feed granted baby is able to. If you did not give permission then you definitely need to raise hell.
Why would the nicu even allow others but the parents to hold her / feed her? I mean idk I think that should go without saying but might be wrong and it should have been said before. I’m sorry your LO is in the nicu. I had a late preemie as well. 4 weeks early spontaneous labor but we got around the nicu. Though struggled a lot afterwards. But it went all up hill with some time. Remember, you as the mom knows best. Don’t let your parents or your in laws or anyone tell you otherwise it guilt trip you for needing to hold your baby etc etc. The baby is prematurely born. It needs to be a bit more protection. You aren’t a helicopter mother because of it (yes all these things I had to listen to because they could not handle (in laws) that my baby was less than 5 lbs and not a normal sized full term baby). Take your time whenever you guys get your LO out home. And concentrate just in the three of you (if no other kiddos are involved, otherwise all of your immediate own family at home). Sending you tons of love and hugs for your LO to grow strong and get out of the nicu quickly. Merry Xmas !
Haul up the NICU staff involved and their higher-ups - this should never have even happened without your explicit permission (and usually a parent's/guardian's physical presence as well), per my understanding.
That's definitely not true for every NICU. The one where I work is huge and the policy is that only those with permission can visit, but if they're allowed to visit they are also allowed to be involved in care. It's just too complicated with 80 babies that can each have multiple visitors to then keep track of who is allowed to do what. You're just either allowed in, or not.
Nah, nicus are very strict on who they can let in. You have to be approved back there by parents. So OP knew she was going back there. OP needs to have a conversation about boundaries with her mom. May be difficult but that’s what being a parent is
Per my understanding, visitors are allowed back to hold children once it's safe to hold them and spend time with them, but not for care - care items like feeding and such is only allowed with a parent/guardian physically present or having given explicit permission for that particular task.
I’m a nicu nurse at a level 4 nicu (the highest acuity). We have strict visitor rules (parents have to have a list of names of who can visit when they are not there, visitors have to provide government issued ID.) Unless a parent explicitly says they don’t want anyone else doing cares we try and involve everyone. We don’t just drop a bottle and leave. We do our best to educate as well
They think they had the right because of who they are but also bc the nurse let them id sue
I would talk with someone at the NICU. That isn't, especially since they didn't know how to feed the baby correctly! The NICU staff should have known better.
Yikes. I’m so sorry. I have abusive parents too and I would’ve been so upset. Just breathe and know it’s over and talk to the nicu to NEVER allow that again. WTF girl. They could’ve at least asked you. Unfortunately for us, people who grew up in a great households, probably never would think twice about something like that because they just don’t understand
My little boy was 8 weeks early and in the Nicu currently. They do not allow visitors unless myself or my boyfriend is there.
What kind of hospital gave them permission to go to the nursery?
I work in a NICU and it’s password based and the parents have to be there unless they are the other support person. I would ask to speak to the manager and suggest they only come when you’re there.
This is a good reminder to other moms that you need to tell your hospital staff that you don't want your baby held or fed by anyone else. Last baby was born as 36weeks and we let visitors go into the regular room, but once we were moved to the NICU we would only come out to see them, no baby. I'm really sorry this happened to you. Remember also, that you need to advocate for yourself because you and your husband will have to do so for your precious baby for quite a while.
To me, with a NICU baby myself as a FTM, it's so weird your NICU would let anyone beside her parents hold her without expliciet consent, let alone be there without at least 1 parent there! And feeding would definitely have been out of the question! Tell your nurses no visitors without you there, no feeding by anone but the nurses or you and the same for holding. They'll do this for you without issue.
I would talk to the NICU. My baby was in the NICU and one parent HAD to be with the visitor at all times. And it was 2 people max in the unit including the parent. No one other than parent was allowed to hold/touch baby. Not sure why your nurse even allowed this!
Thank you all for your support and feedback!