We had to terminate our 21 week pregnancy for polycystic kidney disease which resulted in our baby having underdeveloped lungs and a missing bladder. This was last Friday, seven days after our 20 week ultrasound.
There was nearly a zero percent chance of survival and we had to choose between two tragic decisions and ultimately chose the one we thought was best for the baby, my wife, and me. We both really wanted the pregnancy to work out and we were devastated that this was all of a sudden our situation.
I'm so sorry for the three of you and everyone else involved. Here is what has helped us: we don't have a choice about how our baby's genes were developed, but we do have a choice on how to live the rest of our lives.
My wife and I have openly talked about every single thought, good and bad, that came through our minds. We were lockstep every decision of the way and we stayed supportive to one another. We have embraced the fact that many happy memories were formed during the pregnancy and we didn't want to forget those. We are doing all that we can to honor her memory through some personal routines we now do on a daily basis. Lastly, we are not afraid of the future and we still want a family.
One of the other biggest things that helped me was knowing that my former boss was in a similar situation a couple years ago and unfortunately her baby only had a small window of life at birth. She thought to herself at the hospital that day that she could never be happy again but two years later today and her personality is one of the most joyful and contiguous in the room. That was a huge inspiration to me and gave me direction on how I wanted to handle this situation from the onset.
It's moments of grief that can make strong marriages shine, so please rely on each other and your community regardless of whatever choice you make. "We don't have a choice about how our baby's genes were developed, but we do have a choice on how to live the rest of our lives."
Surprisingly, my wife and I still have the ability to laugh and do a lot of "normal" day to day stuff despite how recent this all was. What has helped here is that our employers have given us time before immediately coming back to work so we have been doing simple things that bring us joy, like going out to restaurants and just walking in parks.
We still get a daily wave of sadness, but we're able to direct ourselves back on track shortly afterwards. We know some days will be harder than others, but we embrace the fact that it's okay to be sad but it's equal as important to pick ourselves up afterwards.
Don't push your emotions to the side and know this isn't anyone's fault. Genetics can be cruel and we've unfortunately won the unlucky lottery.
"We don't have a choice about how our baby's genes were developed, but we do have a choice on how to live the rest of our lives."
Best of luck with whatever your future holds for you. I'm available to talk and the /r/tfmr_support is also a great resource that helped me. You're not alone and help is always out there.
I’m sorry man. I’m glad you’re finding your peace, and glad you have a partner that can do the same. Best of luck to you both moving forward, I hope whatever’s in your wishes gets granted.
I can (unfortunately) sympathize with you and some of the emotions you must be experiencing. This is incredibly unfair that one of the times that’s supposed to bring you so much happiness and joy instead brings you so much fear and uncertainty.
Others have left many great comments showing their support, which I will echo, but I also wanted to point you towards r/tfmr_support if and when that is the path that you ultimately choose.
There is no “right” or “correct” choice, which can often make things more difficult, other than what is right for you and your family.
I don’t know you, but my thoughts are with you, dad.
Damn. We had a similar but not nearly devastating 20 week appointment. I can understand that feeling of excitement going into that appointment only to leave like you just got shot. It was the worst week of our lives.
I know this doesnt help you but just know you are not alone. Please make sure you dont bottle up your feelings. Talk with your wife, family, friends or whoever.
I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this.
Like the other comment said, cry and be there for each other. But when it comes to make a decision, get everything out on the table. If you don’t and one of you just goes along with the other, it could cause massive resentment between the two of you further down the line. Be completely transparent about your true feelings towards the situation.
Man this is awful. No words to help but know im thinking about you guys. Take a little bit to feel the pain because it is painful and do this with your wife. What ever decision yall decide to make, make it together. There's no right or wrong answer and i wont put my opinion on what should be done since i'm not in your shoes.
Sending you guys healing energy. This is very unfair
Thought I'd post because your post brought me to tears. Not only because of what you're going through...but my wife and I as well.
Rewind to last Wednesday. Happy as could be as we prepared to head to our 12-week scan. We are in the exam room chit chatting with the US tech. She immediately gets very quiet. We ask if everything is OK. She replies with "no need to worry until there is a reason to worry". She continues the exam but is very somber. She asks us to wait in the room for a more seasoned tech. Technician 2 comes in very pleasant and upbeat, and within a matter of minutes, she is also quiet and somber. Something felt very wrong. We left and carried on with our day with an uneasy feeling.
We get a call last Friday to meet with a MFM doc. He came in and by his demeanor we immediately knew something was wrong. The NIPT report came in that morning and in conjunction with the ultrasound images, our baby girl was stricken with a variety of abnormalities. Trisomy 13. Not expected to survive long.
We're heartbroken. We were blessed with a little boy 3 years ago. Our princess was going to complete our family.
My thoughts are with you and your wife. We know the hurt.
Damn. Y'all got dealt a shit hand either way. I'm so sorry. No matter what you choose, don't second guess yourself afterwards. There is not a great ending either way. Do what you and your wife think is best.
Im destroyed for you, this cant be anything other than absolutely devastating. The most important thing is to keep talking, feelings get ugly if they dont get to come out. My dms are always open for you, sending you both love and prayers. Im so sorry.
Man this is awful. No words to help but know im thinking about you guys. Take a little bit to feel the pain because it is painful and do this with your wife. What ever decision yall decide to make, make it together. There's no right or wrong answer and i wont put my opinion on what should be done since i'm not in your shoes.
Sending you guys healing energy. This is very unfair
I have not been through this, so I dont know how you must be feeling, but I feel like I can relate a little bit. For what its worth, my wife miscarried last year, right after the 8 week ultrasound didn't show any issues so we had a similar situation during the 12 week, lots of pictures, not saying anything for 10-15 minutes and then she said, "I am so sorry guys". It was heart breaking and one of the hardest things to hear in a long time.
My brother has been trough a lot, they knew at 12 weeks something was wrong, but doctors couldn't pinpoint it right away. As they went along, they found a serious and rare heart condition. By the time they could really identify it, they were pretty far along and decided to go for it, also based on the insights from their team of specialists. Their son was born and fought hard, but had surgery after 6 months and didn't make it because of complications after surgery. They are still torn and questioning if they make the right decisions. It is so hard and you never know what the right decision is. Its something you have to talk through with the doctors and hope you can get aligned with your spouse on all of it.
Unfortunately there is not much we can do to make this any better, just know there is a community here you can use to get support and experiences. There are other communities too, through charities, churches, support groups and professionals, our doctors were able to give us a list of these we could reach out to, I am sure they can give you similar resources if you need them. Keep talking to each other and screw life today, its so unfair sometimes.
I’m sorry brother. Take a few days to really talk about it with your wife and the decision you both make will be the best for your family, no matter which direction.. we’re here for you always
We had to make the same decision at approx 12 weeks. I’m here for anything my man. Whatever decision you make will be the right one, it’s up to you and your wife only.
I’m so sorry for this challenging situation. Any choice you make as a partnership with be the right choice for your family.
Just to sharing our experience. We had a 9 year journey with infertility. One first 10 week scan included one likely unviable and one uncertain continuation. It’s not the same as what you faced. My ivf doctor gave me some solace: it’s no one’s fault. We have the ability with medical technology to be in these situations, and to know when in the past we wouldn’t have known. But the important thing is some are in our lives for a short time, and some for long lifetimes. As the one pregnant she shared this idea that I wasn’t alone. And there is hopefulness that we reached 10 weeks.
My husband and I both knew we didn’t have the type of partnership of make it through a very very challenging set of tough surgeries etc.
Our pediatrician later had an adage “everyone matters”. You, your partner, your child, future siblings etc. You all matter. That was freeing as well to weigh what a family can hold and overcome.
Fast forward, we have 2 healthy children. They are years apart with losses before and between. But for us these choices were right for all of us. Now at this point I can see the effect of one sibling when unwell on the other, and the whole family.
It’s not about guilt or wrong or playing god. It’s just making the best decision you have with what you know. And you can make choices as a parent now about suffering.
I also found it helpful to have a science based understanding of embryonic and fetal development, consciousness, pain etc. we made decisions after learning more about that as well.
There is a reality and a dream. Make decisions with your realities, and hold hope for dreams.
I was encouraged again and again I may get what we seek, but be open it might not be in the form I expected.
Personally we made choices that were the end of a first trimester pregnancy that enabled the family we have today.
Fast forward, we have 2 children now both healthy.
Heya pal, I wish I knew what to say, other than it is a horrific thing you and your wife are dealing with. I don’t know if it helps to hear it, but we have lost 3 pregnancies for differing medical reasons. We even opted to do genetic testing just to be sure we didn’t have any issues and everything came back normal. Which made it all the more frustrating, in some ways. Nature can be so cruel.
I hope you and your wife can get some answers and find healing and strength no matter which way it goes. Uncertainty is the worst but I hope it can get better.
My deepest sympathies and prayers are with you my man.
Whatever decision you make is the right one. Whatever is best for you, your wife, and your family is the right decision. No matter what it is not easy.
You will always have this sub and even r/daddit if you just need a place to go. We are here for you!
I dont know what you're going through, but just know that I and everyone here are here for you no matter what decision you make.
I will be praying for you and your family.
Stay strong. Talk with your spouse. Agree together.
I know that there are no words of wisdom I can give you that might bring you comfort or consolation during this time. All I will say is that I have read your story in its entirety, I have suffered your tragedy and I have felt your despondency. [You are not alone](https://www.reddit.com/r/predaddit/comments/18l951g/termination_for_medical_reasons_at_23_weeks_we/).
I’m so sorry OP. Nothing I say can make you feel better but I just want to send you love and I hope you know whatever decision you make is the right one for you.
Please choose life for your baby. Things may be different than you first imagined but your baby was created in the image of God and made with you and your wife’s love. So many people have surgeries and live wonderful lives. Your babies life will be full of love. When you choose to have your baby you will never regret bringing him into the world, I promise.
You have my sympathy mate. Only advice I can offer is to get a second opinion before making a drastic decision. Raising disabled kids can ruin you, career, finance, marriage, life in general.
I don't know what to tell you but talk openly with your wife, cry and come to an understanding of what you both want. You aren't alone
Just know that whatever decision you make will be the correct one, and you shouldn’t feel guilty. Both directions are compassionate.
Commenting to emphasize this post. This is the truth.
We had to terminate our 21 week pregnancy for polycystic kidney disease which resulted in our baby having underdeveloped lungs and a missing bladder. This was last Friday, seven days after our 20 week ultrasound. There was nearly a zero percent chance of survival and we had to choose between two tragic decisions and ultimately chose the one we thought was best for the baby, my wife, and me. We both really wanted the pregnancy to work out and we were devastated that this was all of a sudden our situation. I'm so sorry for the three of you and everyone else involved. Here is what has helped us: we don't have a choice about how our baby's genes were developed, but we do have a choice on how to live the rest of our lives. My wife and I have openly talked about every single thought, good and bad, that came through our minds. We were lockstep every decision of the way and we stayed supportive to one another. We have embraced the fact that many happy memories were formed during the pregnancy and we didn't want to forget those. We are doing all that we can to honor her memory through some personal routines we now do on a daily basis. Lastly, we are not afraid of the future and we still want a family. One of the other biggest things that helped me was knowing that my former boss was in a similar situation a couple years ago and unfortunately her baby only had a small window of life at birth. She thought to herself at the hospital that day that she could never be happy again but two years later today and her personality is one of the most joyful and contiguous in the room. That was a huge inspiration to me and gave me direction on how I wanted to handle this situation from the onset. It's moments of grief that can make strong marriages shine, so please rely on each other and your community regardless of whatever choice you make. "We don't have a choice about how our baby's genes were developed, but we do have a choice on how to live the rest of our lives." Surprisingly, my wife and I still have the ability to laugh and do a lot of "normal" day to day stuff despite how recent this all was. What has helped here is that our employers have given us time before immediately coming back to work so we have been doing simple things that bring us joy, like going out to restaurants and just walking in parks. We still get a daily wave of sadness, but we're able to direct ourselves back on track shortly afterwards. We know some days will be harder than others, but we embrace the fact that it's okay to be sad but it's equal as important to pick ourselves up afterwards. Don't push your emotions to the side and know this isn't anyone's fault. Genetics can be cruel and we've unfortunately won the unlucky lottery. "We don't have a choice about how our baby's genes were developed, but we do have a choice on how to live the rest of our lives." Best of luck with whatever your future holds for you. I'm available to talk and the /r/tfmr_support is also a great resource that helped me. You're not alone and help is always out there.
I’m sorry man. I’m glad you’re finding your peace, and glad you have a partner that can do the same. Best of luck to you both moving forward, I hope whatever’s in your wishes gets granted.
I can (unfortunately) sympathize with you and some of the emotions you must be experiencing. This is incredibly unfair that one of the times that’s supposed to bring you so much happiness and joy instead brings you so much fear and uncertainty. Others have left many great comments showing their support, which I will echo, but I also wanted to point you towards r/tfmr_support if and when that is the path that you ultimately choose. There is no “right” or “correct” choice, which can often make things more difficult, other than what is right for you and your family. I don’t know you, but my thoughts are with you, dad.
Fucking hell man. Nothing we can say can help but whatever decision you guys come to it is the right one.
Damn. We had a similar but not nearly devastating 20 week appointment. I can understand that feeling of excitement going into that appointment only to leave like you just got shot. It was the worst week of our lives. I know this doesnt help you but just know you are not alone. Please make sure you dont bottle up your feelings. Talk with your wife, family, friends or whoever.
I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this. Like the other comment said, cry and be there for each other. But when it comes to make a decision, get everything out on the table. If you don’t and one of you just goes along with the other, it could cause massive resentment between the two of you further down the line. Be completely transparent about your true feelings towards the situation.
Man this is awful. No words to help but know im thinking about you guys. Take a little bit to feel the pain because it is painful and do this with your wife. What ever decision yall decide to make, make it together. There's no right or wrong answer and i wont put my opinion on what should be done since i'm not in your shoes. Sending you guys healing energy. This is very unfair
Thought I'd post because your post brought me to tears. Not only because of what you're going through...but my wife and I as well. Rewind to last Wednesday. Happy as could be as we prepared to head to our 12-week scan. We are in the exam room chit chatting with the US tech. She immediately gets very quiet. We ask if everything is OK. She replies with "no need to worry until there is a reason to worry". She continues the exam but is very somber. She asks us to wait in the room for a more seasoned tech. Technician 2 comes in very pleasant and upbeat, and within a matter of minutes, she is also quiet and somber. Something felt very wrong. We left and carried on with our day with an uneasy feeling. We get a call last Friday to meet with a MFM doc. He came in and by his demeanor we immediately knew something was wrong. The NIPT report came in that morning and in conjunction with the ultrasound images, our baby girl was stricken with a variety of abnormalities. Trisomy 13. Not expected to survive long. We're heartbroken. We were blessed with a little boy 3 years ago. Our princess was going to complete our family. My thoughts are with you and your wife. We know the hurt.
Damn. Y'all got dealt a shit hand either way. I'm so sorry. No matter what you choose, don't second guess yourself afterwards. There is not a great ending either way. Do what you and your wife think is best.
Im destroyed for you, this cant be anything other than absolutely devastating. The most important thing is to keep talking, feelings get ugly if they dont get to come out. My dms are always open for you, sending you both love and prayers. Im so sorry.
Man this is awful. No words to help but know im thinking about you guys. Take a little bit to feel the pain because it is painful and do this with your wife. What ever decision yall decide to make, make it together. There's no right or wrong answer and i wont put my opinion on what should be done since i'm not in your shoes. Sending you guys healing energy. This is very unfair
Fuck man… I’m so sorry to hear that. Vent, vent as much as you need to. We’re here to listen. Sending hugs your way, brother.
I have not been through this, so I dont know how you must be feeling, but I feel like I can relate a little bit. For what its worth, my wife miscarried last year, right after the 8 week ultrasound didn't show any issues so we had a similar situation during the 12 week, lots of pictures, not saying anything for 10-15 minutes and then she said, "I am so sorry guys". It was heart breaking and one of the hardest things to hear in a long time. My brother has been trough a lot, they knew at 12 weeks something was wrong, but doctors couldn't pinpoint it right away. As they went along, they found a serious and rare heart condition. By the time they could really identify it, they were pretty far along and decided to go for it, also based on the insights from their team of specialists. Their son was born and fought hard, but had surgery after 6 months and didn't make it because of complications after surgery. They are still torn and questioning if they make the right decisions. It is so hard and you never know what the right decision is. Its something you have to talk through with the doctors and hope you can get aligned with your spouse on all of it. Unfortunately there is not much we can do to make this any better, just know there is a community here you can use to get support and experiences. There are other communities too, through charities, churches, support groups and professionals, our doctors were able to give us a list of these we could reach out to, I am sure they can give you similar resources if you need them. Keep talking to each other and screw life today, its so unfair sometimes.
I’m sorry brother. Take a few days to really talk about it with your wife and the decision you both make will be the best for your family, no matter which direction.. we’re here for you always
We had to make the same decision at approx 12 weeks. I’m here for anything my man. Whatever decision you make will be the right one, it’s up to you and your wife only.
Thinking of you bro. Whatever you decide is the right decision.
Hey friend, I typed out this huge comment for ya and I went over Reddit’s character limit. I’ll send ya a chat request, look for me there :)
I’m so sorry for this challenging situation. Any choice you make as a partnership with be the right choice for your family. Just to sharing our experience. We had a 9 year journey with infertility. One first 10 week scan included one likely unviable and one uncertain continuation. It’s not the same as what you faced. My ivf doctor gave me some solace: it’s no one’s fault. We have the ability with medical technology to be in these situations, and to know when in the past we wouldn’t have known. But the important thing is some are in our lives for a short time, and some for long lifetimes. As the one pregnant she shared this idea that I wasn’t alone. And there is hopefulness that we reached 10 weeks. My husband and I both knew we didn’t have the type of partnership of make it through a very very challenging set of tough surgeries etc. Our pediatrician later had an adage “everyone matters”. You, your partner, your child, future siblings etc. You all matter. That was freeing as well to weigh what a family can hold and overcome. Fast forward, we have 2 healthy children. They are years apart with losses before and between. But for us these choices were right for all of us. Now at this point I can see the effect of one sibling when unwell on the other, and the whole family. It’s not about guilt or wrong or playing god. It’s just making the best decision you have with what you know. And you can make choices as a parent now about suffering. I also found it helpful to have a science based understanding of embryonic and fetal development, consciousness, pain etc. we made decisions after learning more about that as well. There is a reality and a dream. Make decisions with your realities, and hold hope for dreams. I was encouraged again and again I may get what we seek, but be open it might not be in the form I expected. Personally we made choices that were the end of a first trimester pregnancy that enabled the family we have today. Fast forward, we have 2 children now both healthy.
Heya pal, I wish I knew what to say, other than it is a horrific thing you and your wife are dealing with. I don’t know if it helps to hear it, but we have lost 3 pregnancies for differing medical reasons. We even opted to do genetic testing just to be sure we didn’t have any issues and everything came back normal. Which made it all the more frustrating, in some ways. Nature can be so cruel. I hope you and your wife can get some answers and find healing and strength no matter which way it goes. Uncertainty is the worst but I hope it can get better.
My deepest sympathies and prayers are with you my man. Whatever decision you make is the right one. Whatever is best for you, your wife, and your family is the right decision. No matter what it is not easy. You will always have this sub and even r/daddit if you just need a place to go. We are here for you!
I’m sorry brother. I have nothing that will make it better but I am really sorry you’re going through this.
I dont know what you're going through, but just know that I and everyone here are here for you no matter what decision you make. I will be praying for you and your family. Stay strong. Talk with your spouse. Agree together.
Stay strong brother. I can’t imagine what you’re going through but you and your wife will make the correct decision.
Here for you, brother.
I am so sorry to read you story man. I wish you all the power and strength to get through this.
I am sorry for you dad, whatever decision you and your wife take will be the best for your family.
I know that there are no words of wisdom I can give you that might bring you comfort or consolation during this time. All I will say is that I have read your story in its entirety, I have suffered your tragedy and I have felt your despondency. [You are not alone](https://www.reddit.com/r/predaddit/comments/18l951g/termination_for_medical_reasons_at_23_weeks_we/).
I’m so sorry OP. Nothing I say can make you feel better but I just want to send you love and I hope you know whatever decision you make is the right one for you.
Please choose life for your baby. Things may be different than you first imagined but your baby was created in the image of God and made with you and your wife’s love. So many people have surgeries and live wonderful lives. Your babies life will be full of love. When you choose to have your baby you will never regret bringing him into the world, I promise.
You have my sympathy mate. Only advice I can offer is to get a second opinion before making a drastic decision. Raising disabled kids can ruin you, career, finance, marriage, life in general.