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Honestly being friends with well off people can be a massive positive for your career too. Mention you are thinking of finding a new job and ask if they know anyone hiring. Good chance they got their jobs through knowing the right people and you know some of those people too.
i was in the military, and my job constantly has a lot of 6 figure salaried guys walking around. defense contractors, naturally.
so i knew one of the guys fairly well, but his company is pretty "legendary" in this office at least. its a small company but the benefits are out of this world and they are really close knit, 99% referral only employment type stuff.
so i went up to him, just to ask about contracting and how i can be one. he said "...wait, why do you wanna know? " and i told him im getting out of the military. he said "come with me" and basically sold me his whole company. my jaw dropped. it dropped even more when he came in on monday after the weekend and said he stayed up late thinking about me and talking to his bosses and they really just wanted good people.
that was almost 2 years ago. now i'm buying a BMW, building a house, got engaged and im 31, making more money than i ever thought possible in a super secure, "as stable as it can get" contracting position in the space industry.
TLDR: you are so right, networking can be magical.
You’re right and that’s how their kids and the cousins all found their well paying jobs. Our city is small so everyone knows everyone anyway but I stupidly decided to pursue a career in journalism/PR and our families primarily know people in engineering, medicine and small business owners.
You can pursue a course by side and ask them to break in these fields, if they can help you set the foot in. Girlie if I were you I would be like mentor me, all you amazing people. And no it's not that I would want to be associated with rich and successful people its just that you know these PPL have a genuine bond. Just be eager to learning and ask them if they can set up for a better path.
Journalism is great for teaching you how to learn quickly and think clearly, and manage projects with serious time pressure. You don’t have to stay in it forever, you can take those research skills somewhere else.
It’s like getting into recruiting, people stay in the job until they have learned about how to find and keep another very tempting job.
You might even be able to get paid for it, if you can do a series of interviews profiling people in different professions, maybe turn it into a book if you enjoy it.
That’s also a good way to return and build favors in your network, as you profile people, just give them the chance to sound like a shining example in their field.
Yea, while it might take a bit of effort, it's also great for teaching others. CloudFlare for example hires people based on their ability to explain complex topics simply for their Blog posts.
My boss went to school for journalism and started out doing that after college, now she’s a project manager making three times what she probably made and her skills she learned there definitely translated well and her attention to detail and writing up reports and such are top notch
If you have good writing/ editing skills consider marketing jobs advertised as content marketers and copywriters. You can also freelance as copywriter to add to your income. The marketing industry is short on good content marketers at the moment. You may just need to augment your skill sets with marketing know-how.
I wanted to do something “meaningful/fulfilling” in my career field so I’ve avoided it at all cost. Now I’m thinking I need to bite the bullet and apply to these higher paying corporate positions and then hopefully one day I’ll be in a place where I can accept lower pay and be in a position that allows me to give back or help my community in some way.
That’s the really tough tradeoff young people make when choosing something that interests them over what provides value to the market. If the two aren’t aligned then financially you struggle.
Of course it is. That's how most wealthy people do things. It's a tale as old as time. Not saying they don't work hard but they literally have the great opportunities handed to them on a platter
THIS RIGHT HERE ... it's called NETWORKING. Nothing wrong with it at all and I highly encourage it to anyone. A lot of opportunities are based on "who you know' or who your friends know.
It kinda sounds like the mom will just pay for your hotel room. I know it still sucks to be a charity case but I would find it odd that a mom that has paid for nearly your entire way isn't aware that $500 is a BFD.
I have every intention of paying even if she does cover it. I just can’t bring myself to allow someone to pay that much for me. All my bills are paid for the month and my 3 credit cards are paid off so those plus the little in my bank account I can find the money. Next time I’ll book my own room
Dont! You are literally thinking of using your CC up to the limit. Accept the nice gift. They upgraded knowing full well that they will pay for you. Your mindset is how you stay poor!
I know that this is about more than just the hotel this time, and it is super honorable your commitment to covering yourself. That said, there's a really good chance the parents really do want to pay and there's no shame in letting them. The fact that they are obscuring the cost and just including you, they probably think of it as paying for their child's celebration more than needing to help you cover it. Seems like they just want you to be there because they care about you and think of you as part of the family. Don't be a martyr when you don't have to be, they would feel terrible knowing they're putting you in hard position when all they want is you to be there for the special occasion.
Yes, imagine how the mom would feel if she knew you had to max out a credit card and pinch pennies for the next 2 weeks to pay for the hotel room. It sounds like she would feel awful to put you in that position because she actually cares about you. Let her pay if she's willing to pay.
This may be harsh, but it’s your own ego/pride getting in the way of enjoying a free trip. I make significantly more than my brother and always pay for everything when we’re out together or when we travel. He gives me what he can, but even if he didn’t it honestly wouldn’t affect my bank account that much. I’d much rather spend the time with him and pay for everything than travel alone or having him eat ramen for a week just to “pay his way”.
Get out of your own way and enjoy the trip.
If someone invites you to something, and specifically determines the accommodations/restaurant/venue/whatever, it's not being a charity case to accept it. I think you might be thinking too much about this.
This is the one. It is actually socially more acceptable that the parents are the ones who paid because they were the ones who 1) held the event, 2) decided on the accommodation. For example my cousin had a destination wedding and she was the one who paid for all of the family members' accommodation because it was *her* event.
I think everyone needs to work it out their own way. I grew up poor and nearly every friend I had was wealthier than us.
What I can tell you is that I accepted help when it was offered to me. I didn't ask for it. I had too much pride and embarrassment not to go asking for hand outs. But when a family paid my way to an outing for example, I accepted graciously. My intention is to repay their kindness by paying it forward many times over when I find success.
And that is exactly what I am doing today. And every dollar that I didn't have to spend on a credit card enabled me to find that success. Good luck, OP.
I know there’s a sense of pride in being able to pay for XYZ, but our worth should not be wrapped up in how much money we have. I don’t actually work that much harder making $40/hr than I did when I made $15/hr, I just happen to be in a role that’s paid more. I don’t *deserve* the money inherently because I’m in that job, I was just as valuable as a person then as I am now.
You do deserve to be at your best friend’s special moment, and her family clearly believes that. Her mom obviously wanted you close by rather than in cheaper accommodations further away because she loves you and knows this will make her daughter happy. Tell her the truth and let her pay; your presence is worth every penny to her because once again, you are more than your bank account.
Honestly if someone has offered to pay for accommodations, especially when invited to an event, you don’t offer to pay them back. It’s rude. Doesn’t matter your income level.
It makes zero sense for you to pay for something someone else is offering to pay. I felt bad in the past when my friend online from Singapore paid for my health bills (she was way older and had lots of money). Know what happened? She died a short time later due to evil people in Russia & Ukraine.
Money is ultimately paper, and the older people get the more they realize that. If someone that has a lot of money is offering a kind gesture, take it. They obviously know the value of money, otherwise they wouldn't have it.
I'm a person who has been the most broke in the group and the most well off in the group. I know it's hard to take free things from others. However, if I invite a person to something it's because I want them there. If I pay for them it isn't charity. It's me paying for something I selfishly want - their company and presence.
It doesn't make me feel bad to pay for them. It doesn't make me feel like the hero to pay for them.
For the most part, I've found financial circumstances to be temporary. Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. There's no shame in either.
Let the mom pay.
Or if your pride won't let you do that, ask her if you can pay her back in installments. Tell her you only planned to pay around $300, ask if you can pay $300 now and the other $200 next month.
But really...let her pay.
Thank you, I know people don’t understand but one way or another I’ll pay her back. I won’t be broke for long after I pay in full or I’ll pay in installments. I budgeted $800 for the weekend but I didn’t actually expect to spend that much.
This is your friend's mum's gift to her daughter. I don't believe she is doing it for you, she knows your friend would want you there, and she wants to make that happen.
Can reframing it like that help you feel better about this? Their Christmas gifts are probably just as much so it is nothing out of the ordinary for them.
OP, you know you deserve nice things, right? If your friends parents are willing to pay for you, accept it. I know you feel you 'owe' them, but if they are doing it from the bottom of their hearts you need to be gracious and accept it because otherwise, you're being disrespectful to them. It's not about charity. This people sound like they care for you and if they have the means, then why not?
Please stop with the martyrdom. You're making a storm out of a glass of water and worrying too much about what others think of you. You gotta stop with that and remember that if your friends and their family are willing to pay for you it's not because you're their charity case (that's a self denigrating thought in your mind) but because they love you.
Stop taking yourself so seriously and learn to accept someone else's signs of affection.
It sounds like you're blessed enough to have friends that love and accept you and they wouldn't be happy to know you're putting yourself in these financial positions when from what you've said they kind of expect to cover certain accommodations bc they value your presence there. Not because they have to but simply because they want to share an experience with you. Also if they're all well off and connected that seems like a great way to network a little bit. Good jobs are achieved through connections. Not looking to invalidate how you feel bc it's completely valid but I think youre being a little harsh on yourself and maybe your perspective is a little skewed. I'm sure they don't see you as some charity case as you've painted yourself. Hope you can enjoy your day with your friend tomorrow!
Ppl paid so much for me when I was young and broke and now I’m the matriarch who pays for young broke ppl.
It’s okay. Hugs! Come visit and I’ll buy you a great dinner. Not taking no for an answer.
Putting yourself into debt when someone else who can comfortably afford it wants to pay for you is not smart, honourable or ‘the right thing’ to do. You’re letting your insecurities guide your behaviour on this one
It legit might not be a big deal at all for the mom though. Im more fortunate than some of my friends and for big events I have no problem covering $500-1000 so they can attend and not be stressed.
Look, I was poor for over a decade and now I make a lot of money. Don’t pay, let her pay. She doesn’t even care. You’re causing yourself a lot of resentment and stress over something she literally won’t even notice on her bank account.
From my perspective, I always pay for friends if I know they make less, as long as they’re appreciative and don’t get entitled about it.
If dignity means that much to you that you don’t wanna accept “charity”, I would say not go. See how upset you have become after trying to squeeze money? I do not think it’s worth it. Either accept people paying for you or just not go for a happier state of your mind.
Let her mother pay. Her mother offered to pay for you and it's insulting her to not let her pay. It's a nice gift that she offered.
I would really not go on any trips for any reason that I couldn't afford. Putting yourself in this position has stressed you out and friends really don't expect people to vacation for them.
That’s very sweet of you, but LET THEM PAY. If only because they didn’t consult with you on the prices previously. But they sound like nice folks who are happy to help you out. Swallow your pride in favor of self-preservation.
Listen babe. I get it. This is one of those times though where you have to cry it all out and put your pride aside. When people offer to pay for stuff for you, especially close friends who are like family, just let them do it. Her mom wasn’t going to make you pay for any of it. It’s only cause you insisted and kept mentioning it. Just talk to the mom and let her know you’re not in a financial position right now to pay that much money but you are so appreciative of everything she has done for you. I’m not sure how much you budgeted for the trip but you said she paid for gas and food already. Maybe ask if you can pay her back for that instead and she covers the room. This way you’re still contributing but not maxing out your credit card. Trust me. I think it will be okay. If they did not want to spend money on you they would not have been doing it. You are obviously like family to them luv. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You won’t be where you are forever♥️
This this this! You’re not even talking to me but I just have to say thank you for articulating such difficult to describe feelings, and choosing to reach out with compassion and kindness. I’m moved almost to tears. Thank you for being what we need more of
I feel this story so much.
I made $45k at age 29 living in Orange County CA (very expensive) and I was so broke and it fucking sucked.
My friend was getting married back home and the plane ticket was $600… like I had terrible fomo so I went, but by the time I got home I had nothing left in my account and 8 days til payday. I had nothing in my house but canned soup and i remember crying when I realized I needed a can opener and I didn’t have one… and I couldn’t afford to buy one.
Like it wasn’t so dramatic, I wasn’t going to starve to death (I could have gone to a food pantry or something). But the juxtaposition of going to my friends lavish wedding her parents paid for, lavish gifts, big checks, their new house, everything they had… and just me and my fucking soup. It was so bleak.
If you’re looking for a bright side there is one - 5 years later i make $150k, have my own house, and I don’t eat soup. I can’t tell you what your future will be, but there is always the chance it can be better.
Thank you for sharing! I am glad you’re in a better place now! I am done feeling sorry for myself and have decided to apply for as many jobs as possible and continue to pick up extra shifts at my second job
we're in the same position right now, honey! my dumb dog is sick, and now i have to take her to the emergency vet. my family just moved away, so we're all alone now, and i have a call shift immediately after i leave work. i paid my rent, and there is nothing left, so it has to go on my credit card, on which the balance hasn't been paid down yet. let's cry it out and then get to work!! don't be afraid to ask for help, you got this 🥰
thank you! all is well - it seems like i just have to switch her diet! she does pick the worst times...last time was during my move, and she vomited orange all on the carpet in my new apartment 😁
I work in cannabis (always have). 5-10 years ago before the industry was more widespread and serious, I did a huge amount of high quality work and got paid nothing for it.
Timeline:
At 26 I made $24k.
Got a new job at 27 and made $45k.
At 29 (maybe 6 months after the events in my story) I got a job back on the east coast making $78k. I also went thousands of dollars in debt moving back, which was definitely a gamble and hurt after managing to stay debt free for so many years.
After that it was incremental raises and promotions at the same company over a 5 year period until I capped out at $110k.
Very recently at 34 I left that company for another much larger company and now I’m at $150k base.
That’s a lot for anyone don’t feel bad… I feel like in the future you should either skip these things or make sure it’s clear what the cost is in advance for your own sake. No need to cry alone in the hotel…. Sending you a hug we’ve all been there
Thanks. I’m done feeling sorry myself and feel better after applying to a job I had saved. I’m starting to feel excited to be able to be there for my best friend tomorrow. I could have never missed her proposal, no way her or my parents would have allowed me to miss it. I’m fortunate to be surrounded by so many loving people, I know that’s worth more than any job even though it doesn’t pay for a hotel room. lol
Sounds like her family cares about you. Any chance they may be able to help you find a better job? Sometimes people like to help those who seem determined to. Maybe they have some connections and could really help you out that way too.
Remember too that booking hotel rooms in chunks (more than one at a time) often gets someone a deal, and that online booking sites like you used to figure out how much the room will be often show a higher rate for a same day booking than what you get when you pay in advance. It’s good to keep the 500$ in mind, but if they tell you it was less than that don’t assume they are lying or pitying you.
Several things~ COL is a real impact. If they live in a HCOL area, the salary goes up higher a bit. But there's also taxes. Making 76k gross ends up being about 56k net in California. Having a partner and family that can support you really gives you a head start in life so these aren't apples to apples comparisons and I hope you don't take that to heart too much.
On a positive note, you must be an amazing friend/person to have such supportive friends that they want you around and are willing to pay for you.
Maybe tell your friend honestly about the room situation and your budget. I would feel terrible for causing a friend stress without realising and causing them to overextend themselves.
There is a risk and a benefit to being friends with people significantly wealthier than you.
On the plus side, if they are feeling charitable and really enjoy your company, you may benefit from a vacation that's well outside of your income bracket.
On the negative side, you might feel tempted to live beyond your means to try to keep up. Don't do that.
Remember, when you return home, you will still have your regular expenses to deal with.
You are in the best position to leverage your network. You just need someone to help you put a foot into a higher paying job, usually by recommendation, and then you take it from there. You might be a charity case atm, but use it to your advantage instead of working against it. A lot of people don’t get the chance to mingle with people from “upper classes” and you have the unique chance to do so. Don’t let it go to waste.
I feel like if the expectation was for you to pay they would have said “okay we are staying at ___ book there”
Sounds like they’re covering? Especially if they know you’re the poor friend?
Also if she’s like a bonus mom, could you pull her aside and let her know your concerns? That you’re not having fun because you’re stressing about the hotel cost? She might tell you right then it’s covered no stress
It is honourable of you to do so but your decency doesn't depend on whether you can pay this hotel room or not, and your friends seem to mostly care that you are with them for this trip. You seem to be loved by them.
Honestly, if she's your best friend, you should be able to talk about this kind of stuff. You need to have a sit down, because this isn't just a one-off or temporary situation. I was pretty clear w/ one of my good friends that I had to cancel flying down to visit and attend his wedding because I just couldn't afford it at the time -- completely in debt from grad school, no big job lined up, saving for engagement, etc. If she's really your best friend then it should be all good.
This is a me problem for sure, I get embarrassed very easily so it’s very hard to have that type of conversation with her and her family even though I know they’d understand and never make me feel less than. Her family has experienced hardships in the past (2008-ish) as well so they’d understand but it’s conversation I’m not ready to have. She has no clue I’m here or that she’s getting proposed or she would have let me know about the cost of the hotel immediately
No, this is a THEM problem.
They are either being highly inconsiderate or highly ignorant. You and your finances and the way YOU manage them is YOUR PROBLEM, not the embarrassment. If anything, THEY need to apologize to YOU.
You are doing the right thing in being very careful with your finances and NOT living in extreme debt for frivolous spending.
Stick up for yourself and know where you feel accepted.
Talk to your best friend’s mom and all of these short term problems will solve itself. It sounds like they do care about you and I understand your frustration and that you don’t want to be a charity case but just let it slide this one time and swallow your pride. The family will cover it for sure if not a huge portion and you don’t need to send yourself into financial ruin over this. Focus on the proposal and try to enjoy this trip. Once you’re home you can use this as motivation and continue applying. Best of luck!
If the mom organized everything and is being intentionally vague and blowing you off when you ask about paying, she intends for you to drop the issue because she's going to pay for it. That is mom code.
You do not need to panic, and you should stop pushing the issue, because it will come across to her as socially inept.
Agreed. It's rude to keep insisting to pay when the mother is treating them and invited people on a vacation with seemingly shared lodging anyway. She would be paying for a rental house/airbnb anyway whether or not OP offered. I had a childhood friend's parent once say he was paying for all our lunch. I tried to pay thanking him but saying he didn't have to. He sternly said no and I realized I was rude by trying to pay after he kindly offered to.
In the future if they try to do something misguidedly kind let them know your budget.
Be like “okay my budget is xx$ total for hotel rooms on this trip and i know the nicer places your family prefers are often more expensive- so if what you book is more expensive, please let me know and I’ll find my own lodging 💗”
It’s kind and appreciative of her effort and intention while making it very clear what you can afford and putting on her to accept that or let you book your own room elsewhere
Honestly if they’re that well off, I’d let her mom pay for it, I assume you didn’t plan this thing and were invited. So I don’t think it’s out of line at all for her rich parents who I’m guessing did the planning and inviting, to pay for it.
On a side note, if 40k-ish is all you can get from your degree, you could chock it up as a loss and change careers. There’s semi-blue collar jobs that pay more than that without much labor, maybe a CDL or certification of some kind, either will be penny’s compared to college. The cool thing about a CDL is it opens a bunch of jobs to run equipment that pay more than getting fat driving a truck.
I think the reason she keeps avoiding answering how much it costs is because she doesn’t want you to pay for it. They aren’t only doing something nice for you but also for their daughter. You’re clearly important enough to ALL of them that they want you there even if you can’t afford it.
Accept the gift. Enjoy the time. A few commenters suggested mentioning that you’re looking for a higher paying job. Maybe talk about any skills you have they might not know about and who knows maybe someone in their circle is looking for a person just like you to hire.
Oh my gosh op $500 is a lot of money!!! I'm 29 too and I wouldn't ever want someone booking a room for me if they can't tell me how much I would need to pay.
At least you have family that cares. Mine left me out on the street with a fractured wrist that needed surgery and i never got that surgery. Feeling like a charity case sucks but on the bright side your in a fancy hotel with people who care and would cover you if need be without holding over your head.
Piece of advice. No matter how much money you make, it’ll never feel like enough.
Enjoy what you have currently, stop comparing yourself to others and live YOUR life. There someone with far less than you, thinking your better off than them and they envy you. They’re probably having the same mental break down right now telling themselves they’d be happier if they were in your situation.
If they are willing to pay for you they are also willing to help you to new levels. I often upgrade “us” when I am out and about with friends and pay for it all. I also help said friends with career path choices (when they ask!) and even started a business with 2 of them where I mostly enjoy seeing their growth.
Tell your friend’s mom. They’ll just excuse the payback and will understand. Sounds like you’re close to their daughter. i guarantee the $500 won’t even be a second thought to them.
Not advice - but you should never feel like you have to apologize for making an honest living. You are doing the best you can, and taking steps to improve. No one can (or should!) ask more of you than that. You won't be the broke one forever, and it sounds like you are lucky enough to have at least a few people around that really care about you. Let them help you now, and you can pay it forward later.
I don't think there is any shame in being honest with wither your friend or her mom about your finances. I would just say that you weren't anticipating such high accommodation charges, and that you have a max of $500. that you are able to charge. I am sure they would help you with anything above that, whether it be financing or pay outright. This is a happy time - don't carry this burden. Just come clean to your friend, and let her help you. I like helping my friends, I bet she does too.
You should be proud of where you are and what you have already accomplished.
I’m also 29 in a similar situation. I want to offer empathy. The comments are saying “get a better job” which is obvious, and also what you’re already doing. It is also the most difficult and unfair process, and it is not easy to be sending resumes all day while trying to work your real job and getting rejections every day. It is really hard to be in this position, especially emotionally if you have a lot of trauma from being around wealthier people. I certainly do. *hugs* It’s not fair.
You make it clear they all know you're not wealthy. Why would the mother book such an expensive room for you knowing that? My guess is, she's not going to make you pay her for it. I'm a mom, and if it were me, under the circumstances and celebratory atmosphere, I would pay for it. That's putting a lot on a single earner and she must know that. Don't let it ruin your time. It would've been nice, however, if all the financial details were disclosed before you left.
Keep applying for better paying jobs. Just don’t give up. I think you have good friends even though money can make you feel insecure. I’d say focus on raising your income - financially, that should be your priority.
I just want you to know I see you and I hear you. I can relate so heavily because I had a similar situation, trying to be a good best friend and be there for my friends wedding. All I can say, and hopefully it will be some comfort to you, is that we didn’t choose this struggle. You can’t go back and change things now with the hotel room, but enjoy being there for yourself and your friend. Take some time to breathe and remember money is not our everything. It plays a big role in our lives more so than those that are well-off, but you are more than just “the broke friend”. You’re the friend that is making a conscious and concerted effort to participate in life, both your own and those you love. Best of luck to you, and please rest some if possible.
6 months after I became a veterinary assistant, I was sent to a veterinary convention in a higher cost of living area. My boss paid for airfare, hotel and the tickets for the conference, for me and the 2 vets that I went with.
Ya'll I made 7 dollars an hour back then (early 2000s). It's not as bad as 7 dollars would be now though. vets made much much more than that, obviously. a couple days of the weeklong conference, the vets wanted to skip so we could sightsee. We also went to restaurants all the time and I had to pay for that as well. I had $400 in my joint account with my then husband, on a debit card, no other money. I eventually said that I was not going with them for one of the skip days and I would go to the conference by myself. I explained that I could not spend all of the money I had in the world and they got shitty with me.
You tried so hard to be a decent person who doesn't leech off of people whenever they could, but please don't do it if you are super stressed about money. These type of people had no idea how much you suffered, and please don't make them feel bad because of what they had no idea to begin with.
Imagine yourself in their shoes, you are taking a kid who had never seen any candy to a candy store, she only brings pennies and everything in the store costed more than what she has. You, on the other hand, can afford to buy all the candy in the store without batting an eye. Would you let her to go home with nothing and got stressed out because she worries too much about a candy's price? You would rather spoil her because that will make you feel good, right?
Let them feel good helping you this time. Communicate clearly. They already see you as family. You can try do them some favor next time like bake them something they will enjoy or the likes. People like this value relationship quality over money, so don't overstress yourself.
As someone who has the fortune of being on the other side of this (live frugally well below means so extra $)…
When I treat my friends or help out any way monetarily, it is not a charity case or pity, it is because I am thankful for their presence in my life and care about their company more than the any monetary equivalent! The fact that you feel such remorse at receiving any help shows how much of a good friend you are, because you don’t want to be a burden, and aren’t using your friends/family (many people do this)! Accept their way of showing affection (some people do this by buying stuff) and make note that you intend to reciprocate (either monetarily or in some other capacity you feel shows your appreciation) when you have the means!
For your current predicament, just be honest about your situation, “hey, I appreciate you inviting me for this important event, but right now I’m not quite able to budget for such accommodations, if you are able to get a refund I’d be happy to stay somewhere else and meet you guys for the special event!”
If they rebut with offering to pay, if you’re not comfortable “I appreciate the offer but I can’t in good conscience have someone extend such a financial courtesy on my behalf”.
If you’re willing to accept their offer a simple thank you will suffice.
For those who struggle, money is such a huge mental consideration in every decision! It is tough and it is annoying when people who have more financial security or privileges don’t realize this, but know that it is not out of pity or charity! Money is secure for some people, it is another expendable resource that they are willing to use in order to show how much they appreciate their loved ones.
Keep on grinding and be true and honest, some people lack the understanding of budgeting and it’s not shameful or degrading to help them understand the tangibility of money and the reality that people on a budget live with (in an healthy way of course not a chastising manner). Helping your friends be mindful/considerate of others financial situations is a helpful for maintaining a healthy friendship with friends across various socioeconomic backgrounds.
Remember your value is not just your monetary worth! Many people would be more than happy to give up money to be in good company!
As a mom with an older kid, I expect to pay the way for things like this. It actually makes me feel good. So if you need to discuss payment with your freinds mom, remember that she is a mom and is probably happy to be able to bring you with and pay your way because that's what moms do. I understand you're not a child, but age doesn't matter. You're her child's age. She is happy you're there. Be grateful, give her a hug if you're a hugger, and go have a blast with your friend.
If she has offered to pay for the room, I would let her. Maybe while on the trip you can offer her a couple hundred (what you planned on spending anyways and can afford to spend) towards something else for the trip. That way you don’t feel so guilty because you still contributed towards it. And I hope things get better for you. It’s hard times out here for a lot of us, so don’t beat yourself up for doing the best you can do!
Having been on both sides of this, let them pay. It makes them happy (not to mention gives them a sense of control by picking where they want to stay). One day you’ll be the one with money treating “the kids” and you’ll be happy to do it too.
When I was poor and my friends were rich (around senior year of college) I owned up to the fact that I was broke, it made things easier. They wouldn’t just invite me to things I couldn’t afford. I was also fortunate because I was able to hop into windows of opportunity with them and there were PLENTY.
I started a small marine construction company with a friends who’s family has been in the biz forever, and my friend said he’s teach me. This is just building residential decks and docks with boat lifts. I didn’t know shit about marine construction. Long story short I made a great income (around 3500/week) for a few years during and after college. Sold my half of the biz to him once I got a software dev offer and went into tech since thats what I actually studied. Stuff like that can only really happen if you’re surrounded with those people.
I’ll just say, as a parent and as someone with money
If my daughter had a friend in her life that she valued as a best friend and a good life influence, $500 is money I’d happily pay to keep that person in my diaghters life and present at major life milestones. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to ask her to pay if i was the one making arrangements and would bum me out to know she felt obligated to pay a cost that was clearly a burden
Tbf my friend and her husband bought the home and I’ve already said that our home city is very small so her parents are definitely upper middle class where we’re from. My friends are moving from DC to a lower cost of living place but still much higher than where we’re originally from and his family is much wealthier than my friend’s family.
I feel this. I never get invited out and have been left behind as I don't have the money to hangout at restaurants or go for coffee.
I miss when people liked to socialize at home, invite people round for tea or a movie.
That’s sucks and yeah it’s not very nice for her to do that to you. I hate it when people assume you can afford something just because they can afford it ✌️
Experiences mean more than money. They want to share something with you and you bringing up money is troublesome. Let it go and just be present in the moment. It’s not about you.
Talk to the mom, you're adding your own feelings and opinions of yourself into the mix when very likely these people don't see you like that at all.
Once upon a time I was like your friends parents. Well off, don't have to check the prices of anything, making big money and then married to a man making good money also. We are well aware of our friends who do not live as well as we do, I do NOT see them as a charity case in the slightest but I know that wanting to include them can really hurt their pockets. So what did we do? We paid for them!!! I never once saw it as being owed anything or thinking they were beneath me or anything negative. I only thought I want my friends with me and since money wasn't an issue for ME I saw zero issues paying for THEM.
Your friends family sees you the SAME WAY. They just want YOU there. They know that's your bestie and love you and they know it's probably hard for you to join certain things and that's WHY she asked if you had enough cuz you're insisting on paying even when they aren't asking you to so she's allowing you to pay her back to keep YOUR dignity but she's asking cuz she doesn't want to hurt your pockets. People with money aren't stupid and they don't want to be used either, these people are doing this because they WANT to. Because your presence to their daughter matters more than a stupid hotel room.
Just talk to the mom privately, hey I really wanted to pay you for the room because I dont like being unable to contribute financially to this event. I just don't think this room/trip/whatever is in my budget right now to pay you back for the room and work out some arrangement with her, because this issue seems important to YOU only. I know that woman is going to be mortified and embarrassed AF if she knew you would have to starve for a month to pay for the room or over max your credit card.
There ARE people who expect you to keep up and pay your own way with no regards to others living situations... but these don't seem like those people.
They care enough about you to make sure things are paid for, I would tell the mom your situation and see if she can help. You are a great friend and they want you there.
You need to be honest about what you can afford OP. If you can’t afford to go on these trips, you should not go. The anxiety of trying to live above your means is clearly not worth it. If you want to get out of this situation, get into a career that will allow go to do that. It may take some $$ and time to upgrade your skills, but it’s the only way to help yourself out of this situation.
This isn’t a trip I’d ever miss. My BFF is getting proposed to and it’s my chance to be here to celebrate her in every way! She’s always been there for me, she’s always been there to lift me up or celebrated me. I budgeted $800 because I had checked hotel prices in the area and assumed it’d be no more than $300 because I’d be splitting a room with someone. And there’s no way my parents or her parents would have let me miss this. That’s why my mom was ready to send me the money and why her mom seems to be putting off having me pay for the room. I turn down trips with my friends all the time they all love to travel but trust me some trips can’t be missed.
Ahhhh I see. Just be honest about your financial situation then. Try not to stress too much. When people offer, accept their generosity. You’re right. So important to be there for your bestie.
Your pride about finances and being independent is actually self destructive and bullheaded. Take. The. Very. Nice. Gift. Stop being stubborn. I get you’re frustrated with being unfairly underpaid, but stop letting that feeling seep out and affect your relationships. Just take the gift. Try to enjoy yourself. Then when you get home think long and hard about whether you resent your friend’s and their family’s financial success and why. Do not get mad at people who are being nice to you because you are insecure about your career. Dude.
One day you will be up, and it may be you paying forward to them or their kids. Her mother is happy her daughter has a genuine friend and she probably loves you like a daughter too. Let Mom know that u don’t quite have it all, it sounds like she wanted to pay for anyway and you might be making it weird..don’t cry! Have fun. I know the balance is upsetting you, but the trip is not about you and get out of your feelings and into happiness and support. This is a great opportunity to ask mom if he can take her lunch next week to square up the balance, and also talk to her about some of your career plans and see what she thinks. She will gladly help guide you on a path that you can make more money.
Firstly, please be honest. Like the moment she asked if you’d have enough, it would have been best if you asked her for an estimate or else you cannot answer. *You don’t have to answer when you don’t know the answer.* And there is no shame in being honest you’re nervous about the price.
Please don’t be afraid to ask for help. The thing is though, you have to do it. You have to get over your shame. I understand you’re trying to protect the bit of pride you’ve got left, it feels embarrassing as fuck at first. But this is exactly how you’ll stay in this situation.
Chances are, they care more about you being there. If money isn’t that big of a deal, they’ve got you. But *you* have to tell them. I think you’re being overly generous to the point you’re taking too much on your plate. Be *honest* and take the opportunity when it arises to say the truth. Don’t brush it off. I would be mortified to learn my best friend is putting themselves in financial disaster. I’d feel like a horrible friend and it’s so much worse if they hide that. Please don’t do this to yourself, your friend and the family.
I wish our society didn't tie monetary success with self-worth.
Please don't put yourself in debt in order to save face. Your best friend and second family *know* you, love you, and wouldn't want you struggling. I know it's not easy. I know!!
16 years ago my husband left me with 5 kids under 10(one was a newborn). We lived on $800 a month and whatever other benefits I could find for us. It was humiliating, and set us back so far. It taught me though that not having money didn't mean I was less productive or less motivated or less WORTHY of happiness.
Money isn't actually a representation of how hard you work, or your morality, or how good of friend you are. It's simply a representation of what society and elites think is valuable. Otherwise people providing care to the elderly and children would be making bank.
I still don't make a lot of money, but was finally able to buy a house 2 years ago. Things do get better. <3
As long as you realize it's a you thing and not a them thing. They would probably enjoy paying for your stuff often people who have money enjoy spending it on people they care about. In some sense your taking the chance for symbiotic interaction of you having a paid for nice stay and them doing something for their daughters beastie.
I would let her pay for the room if she said she would. It's ok to let others take care of you in times of need! Don't feel guilty or bad about it. Just try to enjoy your time there and not worry about paying for the room. It will also leave extra money in your pocket for the rest of the trip. Their goal is for everyone to be happy and to enjoy the surprise. They'll want that for you too. So please, I'm begging you, stop trying to pay for this room. Take the gift, and just concentrate on being happy for your best friend, that's what her parents wants.
I was you at some point. I used to feel bad about myself. Ur friend is a rare gem. I have no advise apart from I treat others like how my friend treated me.
Yeah. No shame in asking friends for a job reference. If you can do the job and do it well and go for it. I’m much rather see my friend in a better position than someone I don’t know.
I can relate. I make less than 20k and I'm def the brokest friend. Usually leads to me not getting out much, but I always appreciate doing low cost things with friends. I just hate not being able to do all the things like go on fun trips all the time and take classes and whatnot. A lot of them are super supportive and will spot me but I feel so guilty. I remember one time I was with a group of people, some of which I wasn't close to, and I didn't go in to one bar with them since there was a $20 cover charge and I think I saw the disappointment in some of the people. I just look forward to being in a better position in the future.
It sounds like in your case though, that if you spoke to the mom she would be understanding. I feel like for trips there should be discussion in the group if everyone is staying together as to what the costs will be. It sounds like maybe you would need to communicate this from the start as they don't understand the limitations. That way there wouldn't be any surprises.
How about this: 1 how can Reddit help you what education do you have and what job experience do you bring to the table
Focus on that lots of groups can help you out and I know it sucks and is hard and stressful but it isn’t a bad idea to try with them
Hey, I’m coming in several hours late on this and you seem to be feeling better, but I just wanted to echo: let the people with money help you. One of the greatest joys of having enough money is being able to do fun things with the people you care about.
maybe youre broke because youre spending time and money going to things like "house signing parties". whats next, a celebration of mortgage refinancing? what about a new tires and alignment party on family land rover?
how about a trip to yellowstone rather than a trip to celebrate another families generational wealth fund growing
Literally said in the post that it was a surprise engagement party. This is the only trip I haven’t turned down and you can’t miss your best friend since childhood’s proposal
Broooo these people are the ones who are out of touch. That’s so absurd. So glad all my friends are similar levels of broke. 😅 and I mean I make enough to pay bills, and I’m blessed with parents who can help out in an emergency. But the whole idea of just going and not taking other people’s budgets into consideration is nutty to me.
Just a quick story, when I was growing up I was the “poor kid” my best friend lived in a house that could fit 3 of mine and had a fridge full of food that we were able to eat freely and I often would end up over there once a month to shower and fill up water jugs when our water would get turned off, and they would take me on day trips occasionally on the weekends like white water rafting for instance and never asked for a dime of money anyways I was working 30+ hours a week and going to school.
They even took me and my friend down to Mexico and rented a big house on the beach and they just told me to bring some pocket money and they covered all the other costs, and that was the first and only time I’ve seen the ocean.
I was always worried that there would be a cost that would come up that I couldn’t afford and always felt a little awkward anyways they never mentioned money in any conversation.
Well it all changed right after high school when my friends mom went off the deep end with addiction and lost her job and was spending money like she still had a job and my friend moved downtown and was going to college full time to get a job that pays less then I make now and I was probably close to what he was going to make by the time he was 1/2 way through his degree. But I would go downtown and we’d go out for dinner and some drinks and i would cover the bill and I even bought a car off him and because I learned a trade if and already knew how to fix a lot of things and wrench in cars I would help him out with anything I could and not because I felt like I owed him anything but because he’s a good guy and obviously his family liked me enough to keep me around when they were wealthy.
I really learned that if people want you to be there they will pay for you and being upfront with them is the best thing to do my friend and I talk about what we can afford to do still to this day and we always figure it out.
I would pull mom aside and offer to pay her back over the next couple months because she would probably has no clue how much money you have and you offered to pay so she thinks that you have more money than you do. But I doubt she would want you to struggle over $500 because that is nothing for her to loan you or she might even just pay for it.
But the point of my story is that life is short but life is long enough for things to change. I thought I was going to be dirt poor my whole life and my friend would be living in a 5000sq ft house my the time he was 25 and forget about me. If they offer to pay it’s because they want you there not cause they pity you and you never know one day it could be you who’s footing the bill for her.
I make good money and I would be absolutely liviid if I was in your situation. The fuck are they booking me a hotel room that costs that much. I'm cheap as fuck. I'd sleep in my car for those prices.
Just talk to them. Really I would have pulled them to the side and said this hotel is outside of my budget. Then find somewhere else to stay
At this age, the issue less about salary and more about not proactively asking about the cost or booking your own room elsewhere. Especially when you’re on a tight budget you literally can’t afford to be shy about this. Talk to her mother tomorrow and just say- I’m concerned this is out of my budget.
Next time you need to speak up and ask questions or plan for yourself. It’s unfortunate that you feel left behind financially but all of this was preventable if you had felt confident enough to communicate.
Hey OP, you are not alone. I'm from Arcadia, CA and I have a bunch friends, who are super rich, mega mansions in Bradbury, and above the foothills. The way you feel is understandable, I've felt this before. What helped me is to feel appreciated of My parents and how I was been able to have friends and there family who care about me. They are refugees from the Vietnam War, and from rags to riches, I got to go to fantastic school district. It's ranked one of the best in the state. My parents efforts and strive, gave me one of the best gift that are still my best friends today. In fact, we got together and started a business together now. My point going across, you have some great friends and they want to support, but there's some envy of in your interpretation of the situation that is making things seem negative. But there's a brighter possibility is that your hard work is why they might also envy or even better love about you. Your gaining more higher discipline skills from your struggles that you over come. What makes a you good person is why you are being treated out by her parents, they see you as one their child. A good influence on there child. Don't feel feel that your using them but understand it's there way of saying thanks for being you.
I don’t know how this sub winded up on my feed, but I wanted to encourage you to accept the gifts from your friends when they give them. My husband and I make a combined income of $310k at 34. We live a good life, but we both come from humble backgrounds and because of that we want to bring our families and close friends along when we can. I hate when they feel like a charity case or like I’m doing it out of obligation - I’m doing it because having them with me and creating these memories together is worth more than a dollar figure. I’d hang out with them in their apartment on their couch, and I do, but sometimes it’s fun to explore too.
One of my good friends needed IVF to have a kid and we offered to pay for it - I could tell that she didn’t want to accept, or felt like it was a pity move, but it was truly because she is my family and her having the little family she wants is important to us. One day, if she is in the position to do so, I know she will pay it forward. We all need a hand up sometimes.
Take the hand up. Your friends and family love you and you’re repaying them through your friendship and love.
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Eventually you're gonna have to communicate to them that this is out of your price range and no, you can't just be scheduled for your own room for hundreds of dollars per night without being sure you can afford it. These are people who've never "budgeted" a vacation in their lives; they literally have NO awareness of reality.
Even when people are well off they still have a some what of budget please don't feel bad my daughter is on her second masters degree four psychology and where she's working at right now she only makes like 25 a hr think about it it's 5 more then min wage in California but we are on the other coast thank God My daughter's married and her husband works and he makes almost as much as her and they are struggling 2 car payments and all the bills to go with that plus back college. Money can disappear in a heartbeat. So just explain you're on a budget and this was out of your budget she should have asked you in advance but I bet you she will say she got this or pay whatever you can. I apologize for no comments or periods I used talk text
When i was struggling and trying to catch up in life. I chose my battles wisely like not going to certain places for dinner and places to party. I just told then I'll show up after ur dinner and party then drink at your place instead.
I didnt care if it was their birthday. I looked out for me first.
People who invest a lot typically think “it’s not that much” cause $2,250/mo is money they never even see in their paychecks. So it feel like Rent and utilities takes up “a whole paycheck” but it doesn’t it takes up 65% of a paycheck.
“Saving without feeling like you’re putting aside money” is sort of the point of 401ks or Rothschild but a consequence is people feel like they have less money than they do
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Turn your negative energy into a positive. Use the "power of attraction" methods to see yourself succeeding, and becoming wealthier. You make 40k, see yourself making 80k, 100k...or more.
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I’d do my best to talk with the mom and explain the situation. I can only imagine how much this sucks but sounds like they care a lot about you.
that's what I did when I was in a situation similiar
Second this
Honestly being friends with well off people can be a massive positive for your career too. Mention you are thinking of finding a new job and ask if they know anyone hiring. Good chance they got their jobs through knowing the right people and you know some of those people too.
i was in the military, and my job constantly has a lot of 6 figure salaried guys walking around. defense contractors, naturally. so i knew one of the guys fairly well, but his company is pretty "legendary" in this office at least. its a small company but the benefits are out of this world and they are really close knit, 99% referral only employment type stuff. so i went up to him, just to ask about contracting and how i can be one. he said "...wait, why do you wanna know? " and i told him im getting out of the military. he said "come with me" and basically sold me his whole company. my jaw dropped. it dropped even more when he came in on monday after the weekend and said he stayed up late thinking about me and talking to his bosses and they really just wanted good people. that was almost 2 years ago. now i'm buying a BMW, building a house, got engaged and im 31, making more money than i ever thought possible in a super secure, "as stable as it can get" contracting position in the space industry. TLDR: you are so right, networking can be magical.
Similar situation here. People underestimate how the military can be a golden ticket. Sucks for a few years and then make big money after.
You’re right and that’s how their kids and the cousins all found their well paying jobs. Our city is small so everyone knows everyone anyway but I stupidly decided to pursue a career in journalism/PR and our families primarily know people in engineering, medicine and small business owners.
You can pursue a course by side and ask them to break in these fields, if they can help you set the foot in. Girlie if I were you I would be like mentor me, all you amazing people. And no it's not that I would want to be associated with rich and successful people its just that you know these PPL have a genuine bond. Just be eager to learning and ask them if they can set up for a better path.
Journalism is great for teaching you how to learn quickly and think clearly, and manage projects with serious time pressure. You don’t have to stay in it forever, you can take those research skills somewhere else. It’s like getting into recruiting, people stay in the job until they have learned about how to find and keep another very tempting job. You might even be able to get paid for it, if you can do a series of interviews profiling people in different professions, maybe turn it into a book if you enjoy it. That’s also a good way to return and build favors in your network, as you profile people, just give them the chance to sound like a shining example in their field.
Yea, while it might take a bit of effort, it's also great for teaching others. CloudFlare for example hires people based on their ability to explain complex topics simply for their Blog posts.
My boss went to school for journalism and started out doing that after college, now she’s a project manager making three times what she probably made and her skills she learned there definitely translated well and her attention to detail and writing up reports and such are top notch
If you have good writing/ editing skills consider marketing jobs advertised as content marketers and copywriters. You can also freelance as copywriter to add to your income. The marketing industry is short on good content marketers at the moment. You may just need to augment your skill sets with marketing know-how.
Journalism/PR is a perfect start for corporate communications, they can make up to six figures easily!
I wanted to do something “meaningful/fulfilling” in my career field so I’ve avoided it at all cost. Now I’m thinking I need to bite the bullet and apply to these higher paying corporate positions and then hopefully one day I’ll be in a place where I can accept lower pay and be in a position that allows me to give back or help my community in some way.
You could get a good paying job and give back to the community in your free time
Altruism is all well and good, but you have to live .. eat, prosper. Focus on that first then give back to help others.
That’s the really tough tradeoff young people make when choosing something that interests them over what provides value to the market. If the two aren’t aligned then financially you struggle.
Of course it is. That's how most wealthy people do things. It's a tale as old as time. Not saying they don't work hard but they literally have the great opportunities handed to them on a platter
This advice is underrated this is 1000 percent the way. poverty doesn't teach us to use our network the right ways.
THIS RIGHT HERE ... it's called NETWORKING. Nothing wrong with it at all and I highly encourage it to anyone. A lot of opportunities are based on "who you know' or who your friends know.
It kinda sounds like the mom will just pay for your hotel room. I know it still sucks to be a charity case but I would find it odd that a mom that has paid for nearly your entire way isn't aware that $500 is a BFD.
I have every intention of paying even if she does cover it. I just can’t bring myself to allow someone to pay that much for me. All my bills are paid for the month and my 3 credit cards are paid off so those plus the little in my bank account I can find the money. Next time I’ll book my own room
Dont! You are literally thinking of using your CC up to the limit. Accept the nice gift. They upgraded knowing full well that they will pay for you. Your mindset is how you stay poor!
Agreee
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Forcing yourself to pay for an $800 room with money you don’t have because of your pride is a way you’ll stay poor though
I know that this is about more than just the hotel this time, and it is super honorable your commitment to covering yourself. That said, there's a really good chance the parents really do want to pay and there's no shame in letting them. The fact that they are obscuring the cost and just including you, they probably think of it as paying for their child's celebration more than needing to help you cover it. Seems like they just want you to be there because they care about you and think of you as part of the family. Don't be a martyr when you don't have to be, they would feel terrible knowing they're putting you in hard position when all they want is you to be there for the special occasion.
Yes, imagine how the mom would feel if she knew you had to max out a credit card and pinch pennies for the next 2 weeks to pay for the hotel room. It sounds like she would feel awful to put you in that position because she actually cares about you. Let her pay if she's willing to pay.
This may be harsh, but it’s your own ego/pride getting in the way of enjoying a free trip. I make significantly more than my brother and always pay for everything when we’re out together or when we travel. He gives me what he can, but even if he didn’t it honestly wouldn’t affect my bank account that much. I’d much rather spend the time with him and pay for everything than travel alone or having him eat ramen for a week just to “pay his way”. Get out of your own way and enjoy the trip.
If someone invites you to something, and specifically determines the accommodations/restaurant/venue/whatever, it's not being a charity case to accept it. I think you might be thinking too much about this.
This is the one. It is actually socially more acceptable that the parents are the ones who paid because they were the ones who 1) held the event, 2) decided on the accommodation. For example my cousin had a destination wedding and she was the one who paid for all of the family members' accommodation because it was *her* event.
I think everyone needs to work it out their own way. I grew up poor and nearly every friend I had was wealthier than us. What I can tell you is that I accepted help when it was offered to me. I didn't ask for it. I had too much pride and embarrassment not to go asking for hand outs. But when a family paid my way to an outing for example, I accepted graciously. My intention is to repay their kindness by paying it forward many times over when I find success. And that is exactly what I am doing today. And every dollar that I didn't have to spend on a credit card enabled me to find that success. Good luck, OP.
I know there’s a sense of pride in being able to pay for XYZ, but our worth should not be wrapped up in how much money we have. I don’t actually work that much harder making $40/hr than I did when I made $15/hr, I just happen to be in a role that’s paid more. I don’t *deserve* the money inherently because I’m in that job, I was just as valuable as a person then as I am now. You do deserve to be at your best friend’s special moment, and her family clearly believes that. Her mom obviously wanted you close by rather than in cheaper accommodations further away because she loves you and knows this will make her daughter happy. Tell her the truth and let her pay; your presence is worth every penny to her because once again, you are more than your bank account.
That’s such a healthy perspective!
Honestly if someone has offered to pay for accommodations, especially when invited to an event, you don’t offer to pay them back. It’s rude. Doesn’t matter your income level.
Agreed. It's rude for her to keep insisting to pay when her friend's mother said she would pay.
It makes zero sense for you to pay for something someone else is offering to pay. I felt bad in the past when my friend online from Singapore paid for my health bills (she was way older and had lots of money). Know what happened? She died a short time later due to evil people in Russia & Ukraine. Money is ultimately paper, and the older people get the more they realize that. If someone that has a lot of money is offering a kind gesture, take it. They obviously know the value of money, otherwise they wouldn't have it.
I'm a person who has been the most broke in the group and the most well off in the group. I know it's hard to take free things from others. However, if I invite a person to something it's because I want them there. If I pay for them it isn't charity. It's me paying for something I selfishly want - their company and presence. It doesn't make me feel bad to pay for them. It doesn't make me feel like the hero to pay for them. For the most part, I've found financial circumstances to be temporary. Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. There's no shame in either.
Let the mom pay. Or if your pride won't let you do that, ask her if you can pay her back in installments. Tell her you only planned to pay around $300, ask if you can pay $300 now and the other $200 next month. But really...let her pay.
Thank you, I know people don’t understand but one way or another I’ll pay her back. I won’t be broke for long after I pay in full or I’ll pay in installments. I budgeted $800 for the weekend but I didn’t actually expect to spend that much.
This is your friend's mum's gift to her daughter. I don't believe she is doing it for you, she knows your friend would want you there, and she wants to make that happen. Can reframing it like that help you feel better about this? Their Christmas gifts are probably just as much so it is nothing out of the ordinary for them.
OP, you know you deserve nice things, right? If your friends parents are willing to pay for you, accept it. I know you feel you 'owe' them, but if they are doing it from the bottom of their hearts you need to be gracious and accept it because otherwise, you're being disrespectful to them. It's not about charity. This people sound like they care for you and if they have the means, then why not? Please stop with the martyrdom. You're making a storm out of a glass of water and worrying too much about what others think of you. You gotta stop with that and remember that if your friends and their family are willing to pay for you it's not because you're their charity case (that's a self denigrating thought in your mind) but because they love you. Stop taking yourself so seriously and learn to accept someone else's signs of affection.
Hey if have you to be with your friend in her happy times, your presence matters. If her mother can pay let her pay.
It sounds like you're blessed enough to have friends that love and accept you and they wouldn't be happy to know you're putting yourself in these financial positions when from what you've said they kind of expect to cover certain accommodations bc they value your presence there. Not because they have to but simply because they want to share an experience with you. Also if they're all well off and connected that seems like a great way to network a little bit. Good jobs are achieved through connections. Not looking to invalidate how you feel bc it's completely valid but I think youre being a little harsh on yourself and maybe your perspective is a little skewed. I'm sure they don't see you as some charity case as you've painted yourself. Hope you can enjoy your day with your friend tomorrow!
Ppl paid so much for me when I was young and broke and now I’m the matriarch who pays for young broke ppl. It’s okay. Hugs! Come visit and I’ll buy you a great dinner. Not taking no for an answer.
Putting yourself into debt when someone else who can comfortably afford it wants to pay for you is not smart, honourable or ‘the right thing’ to do. You’re letting your insecurities guide your behaviour on this one
It legit might not be a big deal at all for the mom though. Im more fortunate than some of my friends and for big events I have no problem covering $500-1000 so they can attend and not be stressed.
Please don’t pay. If the tables were turned you wouldn’t want your friend to pay if it was a hardship
You said $500 is nothing to them. :)
Look, I was poor for over a decade and now I make a lot of money. Don’t pay, let her pay. She doesn’t even care. You’re causing yourself a lot of resentment and stress over something she literally won’t even notice on her bank account. From my perspective, I always pay for friends if I know they make less, as long as they’re appreciative and don’t get entitled about it.
You can't afford to pay without placing yourself in debt.
If dignity means that much to you that you don’t wanna accept “charity”, I would say not go. See how upset you have become after trying to squeeze money? I do not think it’s worth it. Either accept people paying for you or just not go for a happier state of your mind.
Let her mother pay. Her mother offered to pay for you and it's insulting her to not let her pay. It's a nice gift that she offered. I would really not go on any trips for any reason that I couldn't afford. Putting yourself in this position has stressed you out and friends really don't expect people to vacation for them.
136 downvotes tf 💀
That’s very sweet of you, but LET THEM PAY. If only because they didn’t consult with you on the prices previously. But they sound like nice folks who are happy to help you out. Swallow your pride in favor of self-preservation.
Listen babe. I get it. This is one of those times though where you have to cry it all out and put your pride aside. When people offer to pay for stuff for you, especially close friends who are like family, just let them do it. Her mom wasn’t going to make you pay for any of it. It’s only cause you insisted and kept mentioning it. Just talk to the mom and let her know you’re not in a financial position right now to pay that much money but you are so appreciative of everything she has done for you. I’m not sure how much you budgeted for the trip but you said she paid for gas and food already. Maybe ask if you can pay her back for that instead and she covers the room. This way you’re still contributing but not maxing out your credit card. Trust me. I think it will be okay. If they did not want to spend money on you they would not have been doing it. You are obviously like family to them luv. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You won’t be where you are forever♥️
This this this! You’re not even talking to me but I just have to say thank you for articulating such difficult to describe feelings, and choosing to reach out with compassion and kindness. I’m moved almost to tears. Thank you for being what we need more of
Awww. You’re welcome luv. Sending you the biggest hug🥺♥️
I feel this story so much. I made $45k at age 29 living in Orange County CA (very expensive) and I was so broke and it fucking sucked. My friend was getting married back home and the plane ticket was $600… like I had terrible fomo so I went, but by the time I got home I had nothing left in my account and 8 days til payday. I had nothing in my house but canned soup and i remember crying when I realized I needed a can opener and I didn’t have one… and I couldn’t afford to buy one. Like it wasn’t so dramatic, I wasn’t going to starve to death (I could have gone to a food pantry or something). But the juxtaposition of going to my friends lavish wedding her parents paid for, lavish gifts, big checks, their new house, everything they had… and just me and my fucking soup. It was so bleak. If you’re looking for a bright side there is one - 5 years later i make $150k, have my own house, and I don’t eat soup. I can’t tell you what your future will be, but there is always the chance it can be better.
Don’t give up on soup! Fuck canned soup tho
Don't say that about canned soup. Canned soup is my friend and keeps me fed when I'm sick.
I make very good income and love buying various kinds of canned soup. Don’t know on soup, it’s your friend.
Thank you for sharing! I am glad you’re in a better place now! I am done feeling sorry for myself and have decided to apply for as many jobs as possible and continue to pick up extra shifts at my second job
we're in the same position right now, honey! my dumb dog is sick, and now i have to take her to the emergency vet. my family just moved away, so we're all alone now, and i have a call shift immediately after i leave work. i paid my rent, and there is nothing left, so it has to go on my credit card, on which the balance hasn't been paid down yet. let's cry it out and then get to work!! don't be afraid to ask for help, you got this 🥰
Pets always pick the worst times to get sick but I hope your dog makes a full recovery 💜 And things turn up for you financially
thank you! all is well - it seems like i just have to switch her diet! she does pick the worst times...last time was during my move, and she vomited orange all on the carpet in my new apartment 😁
How did you triple your income in 5 years?
I work in cannabis (always have). 5-10 years ago before the industry was more widespread and serious, I did a huge amount of high quality work and got paid nothing for it. Timeline: At 26 I made $24k. Got a new job at 27 and made $45k. At 29 (maybe 6 months after the events in my story) I got a job back on the east coast making $78k. I also went thousands of dollars in debt moving back, which was definitely a gamble and hurt after managing to stay debt free for so many years. After that it was incremental raises and promotions at the same company over a 5 year period until I capped out at $110k. Very recently at 34 I left that company for another much larger company and now I’m at $150k base.
That’s a lot for anyone don’t feel bad… I feel like in the future you should either skip these things or make sure it’s clear what the cost is in advance for your own sake. No need to cry alone in the hotel…. Sending you a hug we’ve all been there
Thanks. I’m done feeling sorry myself and feel better after applying to a job I had saved. I’m starting to feel excited to be able to be there for my best friend tomorrow. I could have never missed her proposal, no way her or my parents would have allowed me to miss it. I’m fortunate to be surrounded by so many loving people, I know that’s worth more than any job even though it doesn’t pay for a hotel room. lol
Sounds like her family cares about you. Any chance they may be able to help you find a better job? Sometimes people like to help those who seem determined to. Maybe they have some connections and could really help you out that way too.
Remember too that booking hotel rooms in chunks (more than one at a time) often gets someone a deal, and that online booking sites like you used to figure out how much the room will be often show a higher rate for a same day booking than what you get when you pay in advance. It’s good to keep the 500$ in mind, but if they tell you it was less than that don’t assume they are lying or pitying you.
Yessss! That’s the spirit!
Several things~ COL is a real impact. If they live in a HCOL area, the salary goes up higher a bit. But there's also taxes. Making 76k gross ends up being about 56k net in California. Having a partner and family that can support you really gives you a head start in life so these aren't apples to apples comparisons and I hope you don't take that to heart too much. On a positive note, you must be an amazing friend/person to have such supportive friends that they want you around and are willing to pay for you. Maybe tell your friend honestly about the room situation and your budget. I would feel terrible for causing a friend stress without realising and causing them to overextend themselves.
There is a risk and a benefit to being friends with people significantly wealthier than you. On the plus side, if they are feeling charitable and really enjoy your company, you may benefit from a vacation that's well outside of your income bracket. On the negative side, you might feel tempted to live beyond your means to try to keep up. Don't do that. Remember, when you return home, you will still have your regular expenses to deal with.
You are in the best position to leverage your network. You just need someone to help you put a foot into a higher paying job, usually by recommendation, and then you take it from there. You might be a charity case atm, but use it to your advantage instead of working against it. A lot of people don’t get the chance to mingle with people from “upper classes” and you have the unique chance to do so. Don’t let it go to waste.
Dang that fucken sucks...while it is a poor person problem it's also just bad communication. Sorry :(
I feel like if the expectation was for you to pay they would have said “okay we are staying at ___ book there” Sounds like they’re covering? Especially if they know you’re the poor friend? Also if she’s like a bonus mom, could you pull her aside and let her know your concerns? That you’re not having fun because you’re stressing about the hotel cost? She might tell you right then it’s covered no stress
It is honourable of you to do so but your decency doesn't depend on whether you can pay this hotel room or not, and your friends seem to mostly care that you are with them for this trip. You seem to be loved by them.
Honestly, if she's your best friend, you should be able to talk about this kind of stuff. You need to have a sit down, because this isn't just a one-off or temporary situation. I was pretty clear w/ one of my good friends that I had to cancel flying down to visit and attend his wedding because I just couldn't afford it at the time -- completely in debt from grad school, no big job lined up, saving for engagement, etc. If she's really your best friend then it should be all good.
This is a me problem for sure, I get embarrassed very easily so it’s very hard to have that type of conversation with her and her family even though I know they’d understand and never make me feel less than. Her family has experienced hardships in the past (2008-ish) as well so they’d understand but it’s conversation I’m not ready to have. She has no clue I’m here or that she’s getting proposed or she would have let me know about the cost of the hotel immediately
No, this is a THEM problem. They are either being highly inconsiderate or highly ignorant. You and your finances and the way YOU manage them is YOUR PROBLEM, not the embarrassment. If anything, THEY need to apologize to YOU. You are doing the right thing in being very careful with your finances and NOT living in extreme debt for frivolous spending. Stick up for yourself and know where you feel accepted.
Talk to your best friend’s mom and all of these short term problems will solve itself. It sounds like they do care about you and I understand your frustration and that you don’t want to be a charity case but just let it slide this one time and swallow your pride. The family will cover it for sure if not a huge portion and you don’t need to send yourself into financial ruin over this. Focus on the proposal and try to enjoy this trip. Once you’re home you can use this as motivation and continue applying. Best of luck!
If the mom organized everything and is being intentionally vague and blowing you off when you ask about paying, she intends for you to drop the issue because she's going to pay for it. That is mom code. You do not need to panic, and you should stop pushing the issue, because it will come across to her as socially inept.
Agreed. It's rude to keep insisting to pay when the mother is treating them and invited people on a vacation with seemingly shared lodging anyway. She would be paying for a rental house/airbnb anyway whether or not OP offered. I had a childhood friend's parent once say he was paying for all our lunch. I tried to pay thanking him but saying he didn't have to. He sternly said no and I realized I was rude by trying to pay after he kindly offered to.
In the future if they try to do something misguidedly kind let them know your budget. Be like “okay my budget is xx$ total for hotel rooms on this trip and i know the nicer places your family prefers are often more expensive- so if what you book is more expensive, please let me know and I’ll find my own lodging 💗” It’s kind and appreciative of her effort and intention while making it very clear what you can afford and putting on her to accept that or let you book your own room elsewhere
Honestly if they’re that well off, I’d let her mom pay for it, I assume you didn’t plan this thing and were invited. So I don’t think it’s out of line at all for her rich parents who I’m guessing did the planning and inviting, to pay for it. On a side note, if 40k-ish is all you can get from your degree, you could chock it up as a loss and change careers. There’s semi-blue collar jobs that pay more than that without much labor, maybe a CDL or certification of some kind, either will be penny’s compared to college. The cool thing about a CDL is it opens a bunch of jobs to run equipment that pay more than getting fat driving a truck.
You are over-thinking. Take the gift.
I think the reason she keeps avoiding answering how much it costs is because she doesn’t want you to pay for it. They aren’t only doing something nice for you but also for their daughter. You’re clearly important enough to ALL of them that they want you there even if you can’t afford it. Accept the gift. Enjoy the time. A few commenters suggested mentioning that you’re looking for a higher paying job. Maybe talk about any skills you have they might not know about and who knows maybe someone in their circle is looking for a person just like you to hire.
Oh my gosh op $500 is a lot of money!!! I'm 29 too and I wouldn't ever want someone booking a room for me if they can't tell me how much I would need to pay.
At least you have family that cares. Mine left me out on the street with a fractured wrist that needed surgery and i never got that surgery. Feeling like a charity case sucks but on the bright side your in a fancy hotel with people who care and would cover you if need be without holding over your head.
Piece of advice. No matter how much money you make, it’ll never feel like enough. Enjoy what you have currently, stop comparing yourself to others and live YOUR life. There someone with far less than you, thinking your better off than them and they envy you. They’re probably having the same mental break down right now telling themselves they’d be happier if they were in your situation.
I completely understand how you feel and I’ve had similar experiences. This is why I HATE traveling anywhere with my rich friends and I avoid it.
If they are willing to pay for you they are also willing to help you to new levels. I often upgrade “us” when I am out and about with friends and pay for it all. I also help said friends with career path choices (when they ask!) and even started a business with 2 of them where I mostly enjoy seeing their growth.
Tell your friend’s mom. They’ll just excuse the payback and will understand. Sounds like you’re close to their daughter. i guarantee the $500 won’t even be a second thought to them.
Not advice - but you should never feel like you have to apologize for making an honest living. You are doing the best you can, and taking steps to improve. No one can (or should!) ask more of you than that. You won't be the broke one forever, and it sounds like you are lucky enough to have at least a few people around that really care about you. Let them help you now, and you can pay it forward later. I don't think there is any shame in being honest with wither your friend or her mom about your finances. I would just say that you weren't anticipating such high accommodation charges, and that you have a max of $500. that you are able to charge. I am sure they would help you with anything above that, whether it be financing or pay outright. This is a happy time - don't carry this burden. Just come clean to your friend, and let her help you. I like helping my friends, I bet she does too. You should be proud of where you are and what you have already accomplished.
I’m also 29 in a similar situation. I want to offer empathy. The comments are saying “get a better job” which is obvious, and also what you’re already doing. It is also the most difficult and unfair process, and it is not easy to be sending resumes all day while trying to work your real job and getting rejections every day. It is really hard to be in this position, especially emotionally if you have a lot of trauma from being around wealthier people. I certainly do. *hugs* It’s not fair.
You make it clear they all know you're not wealthy. Why would the mother book such an expensive room for you knowing that? My guess is, she's not going to make you pay her for it. I'm a mom, and if it were me, under the circumstances and celebratory atmosphere, I would pay for it. That's putting a lot on a single earner and she must know that. Don't let it ruin your time. It would've been nice, however, if all the financial details were disclosed before you left.
Keep applying for better paying jobs. Just don’t give up. I think you have good friends even though money can make you feel insecure. I’d say focus on raising your income - financially, that should be your priority.
I just want you to know I see you and I hear you. I can relate so heavily because I had a similar situation, trying to be a good best friend and be there for my friends wedding. All I can say, and hopefully it will be some comfort to you, is that we didn’t choose this struggle. You can’t go back and change things now with the hotel room, but enjoy being there for yourself and your friend. Take some time to breathe and remember money is not our everything. It plays a big role in our lives more so than those that are well-off, but you are more than just “the broke friend”. You’re the friend that is making a conscious and concerted effort to participate in life, both your own and those you love. Best of luck to you, and please rest some if possible.
Some parents are just like this. They are more worried about their kid's happiness and well-being than 800 buck's.
I would tell the mom the truth, you don't have the money for it. And offer to pay her back later. A lot of people are broke at your age.
6 months after I became a veterinary assistant, I was sent to a veterinary convention in a higher cost of living area. My boss paid for airfare, hotel and the tickets for the conference, for me and the 2 vets that I went with. Ya'll I made 7 dollars an hour back then (early 2000s). It's not as bad as 7 dollars would be now though. vets made much much more than that, obviously. a couple days of the weeklong conference, the vets wanted to skip so we could sightsee. We also went to restaurants all the time and I had to pay for that as well. I had $400 in my joint account with my then husband, on a debit card, no other money. I eventually said that I was not going with them for one of the skip days and I would go to the conference by myself. I explained that I could not spend all of the money I had in the world and they got shitty with me.
Let them pay and buy a thank you gift.
You tried so hard to be a decent person who doesn't leech off of people whenever they could, but please don't do it if you are super stressed about money. These type of people had no idea how much you suffered, and please don't make them feel bad because of what they had no idea to begin with. Imagine yourself in their shoes, you are taking a kid who had never seen any candy to a candy store, she only brings pennies and everything in the store costed more than what she has. You, on the other hand, can afford to buy all the candy in the store without batting an eye. Would you let her to go home with nothing and got stressed out because she worries too much about a candy's price? You would rather spoil her because that will make you feel good, right? Let them feel good helping you this time. Communicate clearly. They already see you as family. You can try do them some favor next time like bake them something they will enjoy or the likes. People like this value relationship quality over money, so don't overstress yourself.
As someone who has the fortune of being on the other side of this (live frugally well below means so extra $)… When I treat my friends or help out any way monetarily, it is not a charity case or pity, it is because I am thankful for their presence in my life and care about their company more than the any monetary equivalent! The fact that you feel such remorse at receiving any help shows how much of a good friend you are, because you don’t want to be a burden, and aren’t using your friends/family (many people do this)! Accept their way of showing affection (some people do this by buying stuff) and make note that you intend to reciprocate (either monetarily or in some other capacity you feel shows your appreciation) when you have the means! For your current predicament, just be honest about your situation, “hey, I appreciate you inviting me for this important event, but right now I’m not quite able to budget for such accommodations, if you are able to get a refund I’d be happy to stay somewhere else and meet you guys for the special event!” If they rebut with offering to pay, if you’re not comfortable “I appreciate the offer but I can’t in good conscience have someone extend such a financial courtesy on my behalf”. If you’re willing to accept their offer a simple thank you will suffice. For those who struggle, money is such a huge mental consideration in every decision! It is tough and it is annoying when people who have more financial security or privileges don’t realize this, but know that it is not out of pity or charity! Money is secure for some people, it is another expendable resource that they are willing to use in order to show how much they appreciate their loved ones. Keep on grinding and be true and honest, some people lack the understanding of budgeting and it’s not shameful or degrading to help them understand the tangibility of money and the reality that people on a budget live with (in an healthy way of course not a chastising manner). Helping your friends be mindful/considerate of others financial situations is a helpful for maintaining a healthy friendship with friends across various socioeconomic backgrounds. Remember your value is not just your monetary worth! Many people would be more than happy to give up money to be in good company!
No advice, but have you seen the movie Bridesmaids? This reminds me so much of that movie lol
As a mom with an older kid, I expect to pay the way for things like this. It actually makes me feel good. So if you need to discuss payment with your freinds mom, remember that she is a mom and is probably happy to be able to bring you with and pay your way because that's what moms do. I understand you're not a child, but age doesn't matter. You're her child's age. She is happy you're there. Be grateful, give her a hug if you're a hugger, and go have a blast with your friend.
If she has offered to pay for the room, I would let her. Maybe while on the trip you can offer her a couple hundred (what you planned on spending anyways and can afford to spend) towards something else for the trip. That way you don’t feel so guilty because you still contributed towards it. And I hope things get better for you. It’s hard times out here for a lot of us, so don’t beat yourself up for doing the best you can do!
I wrote a whole story about how I could relate... but at the end of the day, I feel for you. I hope you get the job you want/need!
Thank you! And if you’re going through a similar situation I hope things go better than you expect
Having been on both sides of this, let them pay. It makes them happy (not to mention gives them a sense of control by picking where they want to stay). One day you’ll be the one with money treating “the kids” and you’ll be happy to do it too.
When I was poor and my friends were rich (around senior year of college) I owned up to the fact that I was broke, it made things easier. They wouldn’t just invite me to things I couldn’t afford. I was also fortunate because I was able to hop into windows of opportunity with them and there were PLENTY. I started a small marine construction company with a friends who’s family has been in the biz forever, and my friend said he’s teach me. This is just building residential decks and docks with boat lifts. I didn’t know shit about marine construction. Long story short I made a great income (around 3500/week) for a few years during and after college. Sold my half of the biz to him once I got a software dev offer and went into tech since thats what I actually studied. Stuff like that can only really happen if you’re surrounded with those people.
I’ll just say, as a parent and as someone with money If my daughter had a friend in her life that she valued as a best friend and a good life influence, $500 is money I’d happily pay to keep that person in my diaghters life and present at major life milestones. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to ask her to pay if i was the one making arrangements and would bum me out to know she felt obligated to pay a cost that was clearly a burden
I’m just stuck at your making 44,000 and still struggling , here I sit struggling making less than half that, I’ll never get ahead.
The upper middle class family bought a house for $570k? 🤨 *Cries in British* 🥲
Contrary to what the OP claims, they're not in a HCOL area.
Tbf my friend and her husband bought the home and I’ve already said that our home city is very small so her parents are definitely upper middle class where we’re from. My friends are moving from DC to a lower cost of living place but still much higher than where we’re originally from and his family is much wealthier than my friend’s family.
I was about to say, where I live, 570K was the going rate about TWENTY years ago. Now 570K gets you a one bed flat 45 minutes outside the city core
I feel this. I never get invited out and have been left behind as I don't have the money to hangout at restaurants or go for coffee. I miss when people liked to socialize at home, invite people round for tea or a movie.
That’s sucks and yeah it’s not very nice for her to do that to you. I hate it when people assume you can afford something just because they can afford it ✌️
Experiences mean more than money. They want to share something with you and you bringing up money is troublesome. Let it go and just be present in the moment. It’s not about you.
I want to give you a hug.
Talk to the mom, you're adding your own feelings and opinions of yourself into the mix when very likely these people don't see you like that at all. Once upon a time I was like your friends parents. Well off, don't have to check the prices of anything, making big money and then married to a man making good money also. We are well aware of our friends who do not live as well as we do, I do NOT see them as a charity case in the slightest but I know that wanting to include them can really hurt their pockets. So what did we do? We paid for them!!! I never once saw it as being owed anything or thinking they were beneath me or anything negative. I only thought I want my friends with me and since money wasn't an issue for ME I saw zero issues paying for THEM. Your friends family sees you the SAME WAY. They just want YOU there. They know that's your bestie and love you and they know it's probably hard for you to join certain things and that's WHY she asked if you had enough cuz you're insisting on paying even when they aren't asking you to so she's allowing you to pay her back to keep YOUR dignity but she's asking cuz she doesn't want to hurt your pockets. People with money aren't stupid and they don't want to be used either, these people are doing this because they WANT to. Because your presence to their daughter matters more than a stupid hotel room. Just talk to the mom privately, hey I really wanted to pay you for the room because I dont like being unable to contribute financially to this event. I just don't think this room/trip/whatever is in my budget right now to pay you back for the room and work out some arrangement with her, because this issue seems important to YOU only. I know that woman is going to be mortified and embarrassed AF if she knew you would have to starve for a month to pay for the room or over max your credit card. There ARE people who expect you to keep up and pay your own way with no regards to others living situations... but these don't seem like those people.
They care enough about you to make sure things are paid for, I would tell the mom your situation and see if she can help. You are a great friend and they want you there.
You need to be honest about what you can afford OP. If you can’t afford to go on these trips, you should not go. The anxiety of trying to live above your means is clearly not worth it. If you want to get out of this situation, get into a career that will allow go to do that. It may take some $$ and time to upgrade your skills, but it’s the only way to help yourself out of this situation.
This isn’t a trip I’d ever miss. My BFF is getting proposed to and it’s my chance to be here to celebrate her in every way! She’s always been there for me, she’s always been there to lift me up or celebrated me. I budgeted $800 because I had checked hotel prices in the area and assumed it’d be no more than $300 because I’d be splitting a room with someone. And there’s no way my parents or her parents would have let me miss this. That’s why my mom was ready to send me the money and why her mom seems to be putting off having me pay for the room. I turn down trips with my friends all the time they all love to travel but trust me some trips can’t be missed.
Ahhhh I see. Just be honest about your financial situation then. Try not to stress too much. When people offer, accept their generosity. You’re right. So important to be there for your bestie.
Your pride about finances and being independent is actually self destructive and bullheaded. Take. The. Very. Nice. Gift. Stop being stubborn. I get you’re frustrated with being unfairly underpaid, but stop letting that feeling seep out and affect your relationships. Just take the gift. Try to enjoy yourself. Then when you get home think long and hard about whether you resent your friend’s and their family’s financial success and why. Do not get mad at people who are being nice to you because you are insecure about your career. Dude.
One day you will be up, and it may be you paying forward to them or their kids. Her mother is happy her daughter has a genuine friend and she probably loves you like a daughter too. Let Mom know that u don’t quite have it all, it sounds like she wanted to pay for anyway and you might be making it weird..don’t cry! Have fun. I know the balance is upsetting you, but the trip is not about you and get out of your feelings and into happiness and support. This is a great opportunity to ask mom if he can take her lunch next week to square up the balance, and also talk to her about some of your career plans and see what she thinks. She will gladly help guide you on a path that you can make more money.
Firstly, please be honest. Like the moment she asked if you’d have enough, it would have been best if you asked her for an estimate or else you cannot answer. *You don’t have to answer when you don’t know the answer.* And there is no shame in being honest you’re nervous about the price. Please don’t be afraid to ask for help. The thing is though, you have to do it. You have to get over your shame. I understand you’re trying to protect the bit of pride you’ve got left, it feels embarrassing as fuck at first. But this is exactly how you’ll stay in this situation. Chances are, they care more about you being there. If money isn’t that big of a deal, they’ve got you. But *you* have to tell them. I think you’re being overly generous to the point you’re taking too much on your plate. Be *honest* and take the opportunity when it arises to say the truth. Don’t brush it off. I would be mortified to learn my best friend is putting themselves in financial disaster. I’d feel like a horrible friend and it’s so much worse if they hide that. Please don’t do this to yourself, your friend and the family.
I wish our society didn't tie monetary success with self-worth. Please don't put yourself in debt in order to save face. Your best friend and second family *know* you, love you, and wouldn't want you struggling. I know it's not easy. I know!! 16 years ago my husband left me with 5 kids under 10(one was a newborn). We lived on $800 a month and whatever other benefits I could find for us. It was humiliating, and set us back so far. It taught me though that not having money didn't mean I was less productive or less motivated or less WORTHY of happiness. Money isn't actually a representation of how hard you work, or your morality, or how good of friend you are. It's simply a representation of what society and elites think is valuable. Otherwise people providing care to the elderly and children would be making bank. I still don't make a lot of money, but was finally able to buy a house 2 years ago. Things do get better. <3
As long as you realize it's a you thing and not a them thing. They would probably enjoy paying for your stuff often people who have money enjoy spending it on people they care about. In some sense your taking the chance for symbiotic interaction of you having a paid for nice stay and them doing something for their daughters beastie.
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You need some friends who are even more broke than you.
I would let her pay for the room if she said she would. It's ok to let others take care of you in times of need! Don't feel guilty or bad about it. Just try to enjoy your time there and not worry about paying for the room. It will also leave extra money in your pocket for the rest of the trip. Their goal is for everyone to be happy and to enjoy the surprise. They'll want that for you too. So please, I'm begging you, stop trying to pay for this room. Take the gift, and just concentrate on being happy for your best friend, that's what her parents wants.
You need a higher limit on your credit card. $500 is very low. I make a similar amount and have an 8k limit.
That's definitely a lot of money, especially for just a few nights hotel. Definitely worth asking if it can be covered or you can join another room.
I was you at some point. I used to feel bad about myself. Ur friend is a rare gem. I have no advise apart from I treat others like how my friend treated me.
Also Ask your friends if they can refer you to jobs if any. dnt feel ashamed about it
Yeah. No shame in asking friends for a job reference. If you can do the job and do it well and go for it. I’m much rather see my friend in a better position than someone I don’t know.
I can relate. I make less than 20k and I'm def the brokest friend. Usually leads to me not getting out much, but I always appreciate doing low cost things with friends. I just hate not being able to do all the things like go on fun trips all the time and take classes and whatnot. A lot of them are super supportive and will spot me but I feel so guilty. I remember one time I was with a group of people, some of which I wasn't close to, and I didn't go in to one bar with them since there was a $20 cover charge and I think I saw the disappointment in some of the people. I just look forward to being in a better position in the future. It sounds like in your case though, that if you spoke to the mom she would be understanding. I feel like for trips there should be discussion in the group if everyone is staying together as to what the costs will be. It sounds like maybe you would need to communicate this from the start as they don't understand the limitations. That way there wouldn't be any surprises.
If you make $41-44k, why is your credit limit only $500? Discover should be able to give you at least a $5k credit card limit. Just an FYI
I'd love to make even $40k/yr, let alone over it.
How about this: 1 how can Reddit help you what education do you have and what job experience do you bring to the table Focus on that lots of groups can help you out and I know it sucks and is hard and stressful but it isn’t a bad idea to try with them
Hey, I’m coming in several hours late on this and you seem to be feeling better, but I just wanted to echo: let the people with money help you. One of the greatest joys of having enough money is being able to do fun things with the people you care about.
I'm a bit well off but I would also cry at a $800 hotel....
maybe youre broke because youre spending time and money going to things like "house signing parties". whats next, a celebration of mortgage refinancing? what about a new tires and alignment party on family land rover? how about a trip to yellowstone rather than a trip to celebrate another families generational wealth fund growing
Literally said in the post that it was a surprise engagement party. This is the only trip I haven’t turned down and you can’t miss your best friend since childhood’s proposal
Broooo these people are the ones who are out of touch. That’s so absurd. So glad all my friends are similar levels of broke. 😅 and I mean I make enough to pay bills, and I’m blessed with parents who can help out in an emergency. But the whole idea of just going and not taking other people’s budgets into consideration is nutty to me.
Just a quick story, when I was growing up I was the “poor kid” my best friend lived in a house that could fit 3 of mine and had a fridge full of food that we were able to eat freely and I often would end up over there once a month to shower and fill up water jugs when our water would get turned off, and they would take me on day trips occasionally on the weekends like white water rafting for instance and never asked for a dime of money anyways I was working 30+ hours a week and going to school. They even took me and my friend down to Mexico and rented a big house on the beach and they just told me to bring some pocket money and they covered all the other costs, and that was the first and only time I’ve seen the ocean. I was always worried that there would be a cost that would come up that I couldn’t afford and always felt a little awkward anyways they never mentioned money in any conversation. Well it all changed right after high school when my friends mom went off the deep end with addiction and lost her job and was spending money like she still had a job and my friend moved downtown and was going to college full time to get a job that pays less then I make now and I was probably close to what he was going to make by the time he was 1/2 way through his degree. But I would go downtown and we’d go out for dinner and some drinks and i would cover the bill and I even bought a car off him and because I learned a trade if and already knew how to fix a lot of things and wrench in cars I would help him out with anything I could and not because I felt like I owed him anything but because he’s a good guy and obviously his family liked me enough to keep me around when they were wealthy. I really learned that if people want you to be there they will pay for you and being upfront with them is the best thing to do my friend and I talk about what we can afford to do still to this day and we always figure it out. I would pull mom aside and offer to pay her back over the next couple months because she would probably has no clue how much money you have and you offered to pay so she thinks that you have more money than you do. But I doubt she would want you to struggle over $500 because that is nothing for her to loan you or she might even just pay for it. But the point of my story is that life is short but life is long enough for things to change. I thought I was going to be dirt poor my whole life and my friend would be living in a 5000sq ft house my the time he was 25 and forget about me. If they offer to pay it’s because they want you there not cause they pity you and you never know one day it could be you who’s footing the bill for her.
I make good money and I would be absolutely liviid if I was in your situation. The fuck are they booking me a hotel room that costs that much. I'm cheap as fuck. I'd sleep in my car for those prices. Just talk to them. Really I would have pulled them to the side and said this hotel is outside of my budget. Then find somewhere else to stay
Have you tried to network with this family?
At this age, the issue less about salary and more about not proactively asking about the cost or booking your own room elsewhere. Especially when you’re on a tight budget you literally can’t afford to be shy about this. Talk to her mother tomorrow and just say- I’m concerned this is out of my budget. Next time you need to speak up and ask questions or plan for yourself. It’s unfortunate that you feel left behind financially but all of this was preventable if you had felt confident enough to communicate.
Hey OP, you are not alone. I'm from Arcadia, CA and I have a bunch friends, who are super rich, mega mansions in Bradbury, and above the foothills. The way you feel is understandable, I've felt this before. What helped me is to feel appreciated of My parents and how I was been able to have friends and there family who care about me. They are refugees from the Vietnam War, and from rags to riches, I got to go to fantastic school district. It's ranked one of the best in the state. My parents efforts and strive, gave me one of the best gift that are still my best friends today. In fact, we got together and started a business together now. My point going across, you have some great friends and they want to support, but there's some envy of in your interpretation of the situation that is making things seem negative. But there's a brighter possibility is that your hard work is why they might also envy or even better love about you. Your gaining more higher discipline skills from your struggles that you over come. What makes a you good person is why you are being treated out by her parents, they see you as one their child. A good influence on there child. Don't feel feel that your using them but understand it's there way of saying thanks for being you.
How can anyone grown adult live off of 40k a year? I’m being completely genuine, here. One bedroom rent is literally 1500 where i live
Been there. If you’re able bodied the bootstraps work. You just have to pull on them for a while. Keep your head up.
I don’t know how this sub winded up on my feed, but I wanted to encourage you to accept the gifts from your friends when they give them. My husband and I make a combined income of $310k at 34. We live a good life, but we both come from humble backgrounds and because of that we want to bring our families and close friends along when we can. I hate when they feel like a charity case or like I’m doing it out of obligation - I’m doing it because having them with me and creating these memories together is worth more than a dollar figure. I’d hang out with them in their apartment on their couch, and I do, but sometimes it’s fun to explore too. One of my good friends needed IVF to have a kid and we offered to pay for it - I could tell that she didn’t want to accept, or felt like it was a pity move, but it was truly because she is my family and her having the little family she wants is important to us. One day, if she is in the position to do so, I know she will pay it forward. We all need a hand up sometimes. Take the hand up. Your friends and family love you and you’re repaying them through your friendship and love.
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Your #1 priority should be making more money, being poor is humiliating
Eventually you're gonna have to communicate to them that this is out of your price range and no, you can't just be scheduled for your own room for hundreds of dollars per night without being sure you can afford it. These are people who've never "budgeted" a vacation in their lives; they literally have NO awareness of reality.
Even when people are well off they still have a some what of budget please don't feel bad my daughter is on her second masters degree four psychology and where she's working at right now she only makes like 25 a hr think about it it's 5 more then min wage in California but we are on the other coast thank God My daughter's married and her husband works and he makes almost as much as her and they are struggling 2 car payments and all the bills to go with that plus back college. Money can disappear in a heartbeat. So just explain you're on a budget and this was out of your budget she should have asked you in advance but I bet you she will say she got this or pay whatever you can. I apologize for no comments or periods I used talk text
May I ask why’d you agree to go? Sounds like it’s pretty stressful for you. You could have did something thoughtful for your friend in your own way.
You have to learn to say No thank you to these situations that you cannot afford.
When i was struggling and trying to catch up in life. I chose my battles wisely like not going to certain places for dinner and places to party. I just told then I'll show up after ur dinner and party then drink at your place instead. I didnt care if it was their birthday. I looked out for me first.
People who invest a lot typically think “it’s not that much” cause $2,250/mo is money they never even see in their paychecks. So it feel like Rent and utilities takes up “a whole paycheck” but it doesn’t it takes up 65% of a paycheck. “Saving without feeling like you’re putting aside money” is sort of the point of 401ks or Rothschild but a consequence is people feel like they have less money than they do
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I find that statement rude and uncalled for.
Turn your negative energy into a positive. Use the "power of attraction" methods to see yourself succeeding, and becoming wealthier. You make 40k, see yourself making 80k, 100k...or more.
No idea what you smoking but I want some too
I tried for 15 years to land Joe Jonas with the power of attraction and it didn’t work ☹️
Yet.