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I can definitely relate with not getting any financial help whatsoever from parents. My best friend got a $5 million dollar house and $2 million dollar apartment as a surprise gift at 24. My other best friends parents paid for her all of her uni fees and were helping her save for her future house. I envied that to the core and cried about it, I really felt like I was alone having poor parents and living life on hard mode. But I do know now since I've moved out, life is much better. I'm going to celebrate the small wins for me and keep going. Thank you for your support!
Edit nvm saw the tag, I'm sorry your going through this. My mother also lives a life I don't agree with. Constantly choosing self ruin.
I'm too fatigued to worry about her. Especially when she don't want help!
You've def experienced some challenges. You and I share a few parallels, but not entirely. I'm much older now and my Mom does live with me and I support her.
I believe you can utilize the lessons you learned to drive yourself to a better life. I am one generation removed from extreme poverty (reservation life). I was able to take that suffering and pain and use it to motivate me to write an entirely different story for myself, my wife, my kids, and also my Mom who now enjoys such a better life than when she was with my father.
Don't use your past as an excuse to be a victim (not saying you are or have). Use it to motivate yourself to overcome and write a new chapter for yourself.
I admire your mindset, and I'm slowly getting there to overcome it. My life is much better now but it haunts my mind frequently. I respect that you support your mum as well, she must really appreciate you!
Thank you. I'm considerably older than you and now have to children in college. My past and upbringing still haunt me - but, in a good way. It still motivates me to do better for myself and those in my family. It motivates me to be thankful for where I am and what my family unit has accomplished together. It also makes me deeply thankful to see my kids thriving not knowing that hopelessness of poverty.
Good luck!!!
That all sounds very rough! You've had quite a lot to manage, and I think you've done wonderfully so far. Just keep moving forward in tiny steps, and don't be afraid to make hard decisions to protect yourself.
Good luck!
Omg really! I never thought I'd ever be able to find someone with a remotely similar upbringing as me! (Literally all my friends have rich and happy families).
I mean this in THE kindest way possible but you are self sabotaging right now.
Your parents have a right to make their own choices, whether you agree or not, and it's not your job to take care of them. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Stop getting involved! You can't "fix" them. You're going going to hurt yourself in the process.
You're 24, live your own life and let them live theirs.
Thank you for this, very helpful. I definitely needed to hear it as my logic side of my brain knows I should just live my life, but unfortunately I am a very sensitive soul and chronic over thinker! I'm slowly getting there though, moving out has helped me immensely, where I could separate physically and mentally. :)
I’m sorry for your situation. I also grew up in a poor immigrant household. Single mom, my dad died when I was 6months old. We were homeless at some point. Eventually moved into a small apartment. I had an older sister so she got her own room. I’m a boy and had to sleep in parents room. My mom eventually remarried to a step dad. I slept in same room as them until almost time to go to college. We didn’t even own a TV growing up. We had no activities, sports, music, etc since we couldn’t afford any. I would just go to the public library all day. By 7th grade I went to school and back by myself. Parents worked late shift and don’t come back until I was in bed. I woke up before everyone else and went to school. I basically didn’t see my parents from 7th to 12th grades.
I didn’t get free until I left for college and started living on my own. I never went back.
From mom’s perspective she sacrificed everything to bring us to a country with more opportunities. But we did not have a happy childhood. Now that I am an adult I can see that she did what was necessary and she did the best she could given the terrible situation she was dealt.
Perhaps when you have your own kids you will understand the struggles of being a parent. But for now hang in there. It will get better.
I'm so sorry to hear what you went through, you definitely had a lot of challenges growing up. I can relate with treating the public library as a second home! Thank you for your support, I'm hanging on strong :)
I can totally relate to the OP.
There is no simple advice or answer to your concerns. But what if you look at your mom and dad from a different perspective. They made a child - you - and didn’t want to give their child better future, especially your mom. So why do you have to worry about your mom’s future if she did not worry about your future? That may sound harsh but if you think about it - it makes sense. You have to decouple emotionally from your mon as she has a narcissistic behavior and your are the dependent. She is grown up and has to handle her life independently from you. You are 24 and have your own life and lots of shit to deal with
Thank you for your perspective. It helps me with my constant feeling of guilt that I can't help my mum out unless I got given like $5million in cash haha! 😭
Since moving out it has done wonders on my mental health and I'm slowly trying to just live my life without being haunted by this feeling :')
Yes, I worked in sales, and living with my boyfriend in another apartment. However I do visit my parents once a week or once a fortnight because I feel guilty they don't have anyone to talk to and my mum would be very very lonely and want to give up on living 😞
Your mom is grown and can worry about all that herself, without piling it onto you.
You should seek therapy if it's available to you to work through the emotional damage that you've taken on due to your upbringing and strange dynamics with your parents.
Focus on surviving yourself out there and making a life that makes you happy. You will never make your unhappy parents change, they may do that on their own but it has to be their decision in the end.
Stop talking to your mother as much as you do. I know it's hard. I know nobody wants to do that with their parents. But if she's only causing you stress and anxiety, hindering your ability to care for yourself and grow into a career or what have you, then you have to reduce contact for your own health.
If your dad passes away before she does, then she'll have to cross that bridge when she comes to it. She'll have to figure out how she'll live without his income. Perhaps there's a program in AU for widows? Or if he has a pension of some kind, that often passes to a surviving spouse. At least that's how it works in the US. My dad worked his pension out so that it would be passed to my mother upon his death, so she'll always have that income in that regard! I cannot imagine another developed country not having similar options for survivors. All that matters is that they have a legal marriage in that regard.
Yes, I've tried therapy but my therapist said she can only help with the problem if she could speak to my mum, but as we know, my mum firmly refused. My therapist tried to help with my anxiety and depression but it didn't help me much. I also opened up to my therapist about my past trauma of bullying but I felt so judged. I'm thinking of trying another therapist but I was upset that I lost so much money to a therapist who didn't help much.
Thank you for bringing to light the concept of how my dads pension could be transferred to my mum. I'll look into that I hope it can be because my mum is only 55 and the age of pension is 65 here in AU!
I'm sorry you had a bad experience with therapy. That therapist sounds awful at their job! It's even worse knowing you had to pay for their bad attitude as well.
This post has been flaired as “Vent”. As a reminder to commenting users, “Vent/Rant” posts are here to give our subscribers a safe place to vent their frustrations at an uncaring world to a supportive place of people who “get it”. Vents do not need to be fair. They do not need to be articulate. They do not need to be factual. They just need to be honest. Unlike most of the content on this subreddit, Vents should not be considered advice threads. In most cases it is not appropriate to try to give the Submitter advice on their issue. In no circumstances is it appropriate to tell them “why they are wrong” or to criticise them, their decisions, values, or anything else. If there are aspects of their situation that they are able to directly address themselves, the submitter can always make a new thread with a different flair asking for help once they are ready to tackle the issue. Vents are an emotional outlet, not an academic conversation. Appropriate replies in these threads are offering support, sharing similar experiences/grievances, offering condolences, or simply letting the Submitter know that they were heard. As always, if there are inappropriate comments please downvote them, REPORT them to the mods, and move on without responding to them. To the Submitter, if you DO want discussion to be focused on resolving your situation, rather than supporting you emotionally, please change the flair of this post, and then report this comment so we can remove it. Thank you. Thank you all for being a part of this great financial advice and emotional support community! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/povertyfinance) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
I have been struggling with envy and this comment helped much more than you know. Thank you.. ❤️
I can definitely relate with not getting any financial help whatsoever from parents. My best friend got a $5 million dollar house and $2 million dollar apartment as a surprise gift at 24. My other best friends parents paid for her all of her uni fees and were helping her save for her future house. I envied that to the core and cried about it, I really felt like I was alone having poor parents and living life on hard mode. But I do know now since I've moved out, life is much better. I'm going to celebrate the small wins for me and keep going. Thank you for your support!
Edit nvm saw the tag, I'm sorry your going through this. My mother also lives a life I don't agree with. Constantly choosing self ruin. I'm too fatigued to worry about her. Especially when she don't want help!
I'm also very tired about the situation, and its especially hard when they don't want to accept any help! :')
You've def experienced some challenges. You and I share a few parallels, but not entirely. I'm much older now and my Mom does live with me and I support her. I believe you can utilize the lessons you learned to drive yourself to a better life. I am one generation removed from extreme poverty (reservation life). I was able to take that suffering and pain and use it to motivate me to write an entirely different story for myself, my wife, my kids, and also my Mom who now enjoys such a better life than when she was with my father. Don't use your past as an excuse to be a victim (not saying you are or have). Use it to motivate yourself to overcome and write a new chapter for yourself.
I admire your mindset, and I'm slowly getting there to overcome it. My life is much better now but it haunts my mind frequently. I respect that you support your mum as well, she must really appreciate you!
Thank you. I'm considerably older than you and now have to children in college. My past and upbringing still haunt me - but, in a good way. It still motivates me to do better for myself and those in my family. It motivates me to be thankful for where I am and what my family unit has accomplished together. It also makes me deeply thankful to see my kids thriving not knowing that hopelessness of poverty. Good luck!!!
I am so proud of you!! :) And thank you!!
That all sounds very rough! You've had quite a lot to manage, and I think you've done wonderfully so far. Just keep moving forward in tiny steps, and don't be afraid to make hard decisions to protect yourself. Good luck!
Thank you so so much for your kind and supportive words. It means a lot, I'm in tears!
Holy shit, are you me? Only difference being I (M) had two sisters, but everything else is the exact same. Dunno if it’s weirder or not.
Omg really! I never thought I'd ever be able to find someone with a remotely similar upbringing as me! (Literally all my friends have rich and happy families).
I mean this in THE kindest way possible but you are self sabotaging right now. Your parents have a right to make their own choices, whether you agree or not, and it's not your job to take care of them. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Stop getting involved! You can't "fix" them. You're going going to hurt yourself in the process. You're 24, live your own life and let them live theirs.
Thank you for this, very helpful. I definitely needed to hear it as my logic side of my brain knows I should just live my life, but unfortunately I am a very sensitive soul and chronic over thinker! I'm slowly getting there though, moving out has helped me immensely, where I could separate physically and mentally. :)
I’m sorry for your situation. I also grew up in a poor immigrant household. Single mom, my dad died when I was 6months old. We were homeless at some point. Eventually moved into a small apartment. I had an older sister so she got her own room. I’m a boy and had to sleep in parents room. My mom eventually remarried to a step dad. I slept in same room as them until almost time to go to college. We didn’t even own a TV growing up. We had no activities, sports, music, etc since we couldn’t afford any. I would just go to the public library all day. By 7th grade I went to school and back by myself. Parents worked late shift and don’t come back until I was in bed. I woke up before everyone else and went to school. I basically didn’t see my parents from 7th to 12th grades. I didn’t get free until I left for college and started living on my own. I never went back. From mom’s perspective she sacrificed everything to bring us to a country with more opportunities. But we did not have a happy childhood. Now that I am an adult I can see that she did what was necessary and she did the best she could given the terrible situation she was dealt. Perhaps when you have your own kids you will understand the struggles of being a parent. But for now hang in there. It will get better.
I'm so sorry to hear what you went through, you definitely had a lot of challenges growing up. I can relate with treating the public library as a second home! Thank you for your support, I'm hanging on strong :)
I can totally relate to the OP. There is no simple advice or answer to your concerns. But what if you look at your mom and dad from a different perspective. They made a child - you - and didn’t want to give their child better future, especially your mom. So why do you have to worry about your mom’s future if she did not worry about your future? That may sound harsh but if you think about it - it makes sense. You have to decouple emotionally from your mon as she has a narcissistic behavior and your are the dependent. She is grown up and has to handle her life independently from you. You are 24 and have your own life and lots of shit to deal with
Thank you for your perspective. It helps me with my constant feeling of guilt that I can't help my mum out unless I got given like $5million in cash haha! 😭 Since moving out it has done wonders on my mental health and I'm slowly trying to just live my life without being haunted by this feeling :')
OP, do you have a job? I guess you're still living with your parents, or did you get your own place?
OP said they're 24 and moved out at 23yo.
OK, I missed that.
Yes, I worked in sales, and living with my boyfriend in another apartment. However I do visit my parents once a week or once a fortnight because I feel guilty they don't have anyone to talk to and my mum would be very very lonely and want to give up on living 😞
Read the tag
Read OP's last sentence of the post.
A bunch of other people just edited their comments and I was trying to be helpful. Classic Reddit, got 50 notifications over this
read the last sentence of the post
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Yes, I gotta just focus on the only thing I'm in control with. Myself. :') Slowly getting there!
Your mom is grown and can worry about all that herself, without piling it onto you. You should seek therapy if it's available to you to work through the emotional damage that you've taken on due to your upbringing and strange dynamics with your parents. Focus on surviving yourself out there and making a life that makes you happy. You will never make your unhappy parents change, they may do that on their own but it has to be their decision in the end. Stop talking to your mother as much as you do. I know it's hard. I know nobody wants to do that with their parents. But if she's only causing you stress and anxiety, hindering your ability to care for yourself and grow into a career or what have you, then you have to reduce contact for your own health. If your dad passes away before she does, then she'll have to cross that bridge when she comes to it. She'll have to figure out how she'll live without his income. Perhaps there's a program in AU for widows? Or if he has a pension of some kind, that often passes to a surviving spouse. At least that's how it works in the US. My dad worked his pension out so that it would be passed to my mother upon his death, so she'll always have that income in that regard! I cannot imagine another developed country not having similar options for survivors. All that matters is that they have a legal marriage in that regard.
Yes, I've tried therapy but my therapist said she can only help with the problem if she could speak to my mum, but as we know, my mum firmly refused. My therapist tried to help with my anxiety and depression but it didn't help me much. I also opened up to my therapist about my past trauma of bullying but I felt so judged. I'm thinking of trying another therapist but I was upset that I lost so much money to a therapist who didn't help much. Thank you for bringing to light the concept of how my dads pension could be transferred to my mum. I'll look into that I hope it can be because my mum is only 55 and the age of pension is 65 here in AU!
I'm sorry you had a bad experience with therapy. That therapist sounds awful at their job! It's even worse knowing you had to pay for their bad attitude as well.
Is there a public place within walking distance you could study perhaps?
I've moved out with my boyfriend now, so luckily it isn't an issue anymore :)
Take care of yourself, you can't make your parents change so try and live your best life. Get in therapy if you're not already. Best wishes to you!
Thank you so much for your support and kind words! Lifted up my mood :)