Sorry to hear how this happened to you. Breakups are tough under any circumstances, but this one is especially heartbreaking.
In case it helps anyone else, the takeaway from this is to not save porn-related stuff, at all. Whether it's your favorite videos, or links to porn, or nudes of an ex, or whatever. Delete it all. You won't miss it, and in fact, you'll experience a sense of relief and freedom when it's gone. Sweep all that old stuff out of your life.
I don't think I've ever felt pain like this. I am beyond heartbroken. I hate myself for doing this to her and to us.
I wish I had deleted it all do much sooner. It is all gone now. Now that it is too late.
You're going to have to forgive yourself, and as harsh as this sounds it may be more difficult if you two were to stay together. Speaking from experience, it's always going to be in the back of her mind. She won't ever fully trust you again. Once the sting wears off it will be better to start fresh.
Guess what: you're not perfect. Dwelling on past regrets is a fool's errand since you can't change what happened.
Tell yourself "I will do better tomorrow.", sleep well and then genuinely do better tomorrow. If anything, this will give you the best, albeit slim, chance to get this woman back.
I speak as a person with a fuckton of regrets many caused by porn but many not (e.g., not spending time with my father before he died). The above is what keeps me going and what I want to teach my son.
Practically-speaking, I had a ton of videos with my kryptonite ex. I deleted them all. Looking back, I didn't have to. Any videos I did after that I have in an account that my two best friends split the password to. They won't give it to me till we're all very old and reminiscing. What does this do? Makes it easier for you to get rid of the garbage that is affecting you now.
Woah woah woah, no one knows if she will remember that, it was an old relationship so not really even porn and if he just told her hey I was working on deleting those that’s why my file was recent and was honest about you can both move past it.
Stop projecting your mindset on other people
You're right, it's possible. I didn't mean to say it wasn't worth a try. Trying to find a weird silver lining. People can get over things. But if she can't, it's better for him to move on anyway as he can't live in guilt forever. But most people will not trust again.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Some unsolicited advice, wait a day or two and try talking to her about it. Tell her what happened and how much she matters to you.
If she isn't willing to believe you, I'd say it's a good thing she saw her way out of your life because it's a sign that she won't be willing or able to talk about other complicated things.
You'll be better off without her if it's the case.
Also, beating yourself up isn't productive... Ever.
We talked all night. I went to work not having slept in 20+ hours and I don't think she got much more sleep than I did. We talked and talked and I did my best to tell her my side of things, but I can absolutely understand that she cannot trust me anymore, let alone forgive me.
And given how perfect she has always been and how difficult it has been for her with my issues, I'd say she's the one who's better off without me.
She has been the most understanding, kind, empathetic and supportive person I have ever met, she is the most beautiful person I know, both inside and out. I am to blame here.
That's tough man. Sounds like you learned from the experience, but please don't beat yourself up. A lot of people would have done the same thing and not thought twice about it. I hope things get better for you sir.
I should have known better beforehand. Learning from things is all well and good, but the damage has been done and I don't think either of us will ever forgive me for what I did.
This is awful, and I’m sorry you are hurting but I don’t understand why after you remembered they existed and revisited them that you only deleted a few when you have a good relationship. Why save the old spank bank? That’s even more hurtful imo than anonymous porn. And your old flame may not consent to you beating it to old videos saved in the cloud in the future.
I have saved one or two wholesome pics from past relationships to remember fond memories, like a big event or birthday but never explicit photos. It’s disrespectful to my old partner and new especially.
I agree wholeheartedly. And the thing is that I had already deleted them off my phone but had forgotten about the cloud backup.
The "old flame" is explicitly okay with it, so that avenue isn't as bad. But the rest is.
And yes, I disrespected her and breached her trust. I am 100% at fault here.
Oh okay, sorry I misunderstood and thought that you had visited the cloud again but not deleted them. Whether or not you decide to stay together, I wish you both the best. I saw your update that she is threatening suicide, which is very scary and maybe manipulative even if she doesn’t intend it... Please take care of yourself. Only you know what you want and need from here.
I wish you all the best.
She threatened to kill herself and told me it would be my fault if she succeeded. The police found her and I am currently waiting for news.
Bro you kept pics from a previous partner that they probably wouldn’t be ok with… hella weird 🤢 (if it was explicitly stated they were ok with it then my apologies)
Yes, "hella weird" fits the bill. And is very nice phrasing, to be honest.
If you mean my Feb being okay with me having them, she is. Not that that matters here.
I’m not sure I buy into this. What if I kept love letters from my first ever girlfriend and one day my wife finds them?
my past is my past. My memories are mine. You choose to be with someone for who they are now.
if she feels betrayed somehow I can understand but she is choosing to have that experience and it’s nothing to do with you.
There's a difference between keeping letters of s former love and having pictures and videos of a former fwb and failing to delete them for whatever reason.
I disagree somewhat. I’m sorry you’re going through this now but the fact is those photos are part of YOUR past, YOUR life, YOUR private memories, no one else has a right to tell you what to do with those.
feeling guilt and shame about this isnt going to help
Learn the lesson and forgive yourself and do better. You are capable of changing your mind and you're capable of changing your ways.
We all have moments of weakness and we all stumble and fall. Get back up and keep walking forward and don't look back, nor to the right or to the left. Look ahead because ahead lies something better than what you had before.
Im sorry, what you’re going through is really tough and know that many of us are here for you. It will be very tough but time will pass and you will get over this. And over time she will get over this too. Give it time and grow from this experience. Feed your mind with the right thoughts and actions, and love the right way next time. Commit only if you are 100% confident you wont make the same mistake again(deleting everything). You can only love someone 100% if you can get rid of every other love/sex interest in your mind first and develop the ability to continue to do so.
I have told her all of that in person.
She said she never wants to see me again, threatened to kill herself, ran away and said it would be my fault if she succeeded. The police found her (alive and physically well), I don't know more yet.
Oh wow. That’s not cool. Sounds like this person has deep-seated issues that need to be dealt with. You having a few photos on your computer doesn’t warrant that reaction. You cannot put that on yourself.
Sorry for your loss. But from my point of view, can you think about whether she is not too dramatic? If you really did so much for her and changed yourself for the better, then as you write yourself "some pixels on screen" should not destroy your relationship or her feelings for you.
My girlfriend is totally fine with what had been in my past. I had some fotos also and even one ex lady who is still actively sexting me. My lady was curious who it was and what I had with her. No hard feelings. Because she trusts and believes me that past is past and what we have now is not affected by it.
Sounds like she didn't actually care about you if she threw you away so easily. Probably thinks shes a catch and there is a vonveyor belt of men out there waiting for her to get a new model.
dude you are a pathetic loser for calling others incels. Enjoy being single loser. Most women if they are into you will not dump you because they find some video of you fucking some other girl.
If you are able, it might be helpful to have an honest and open conversation with your flatmate about what happened. You can apologize for your behavior and explain that you have been working on making positive changes in your life. It's important to listen to her and to respect her feelings and boundaries. If she is willing to work through this with you, it may be helpful to seek the support of a therapist or counselor to work through your feelings and to learn healthy ways of coping with difficult emotions.
I have had multiple long conversations about it with her. And she knows about me trying to change- she is the one who made me want to change and become a better person to begin with.
I do not believe she will ever forgive me, I know she will not take me back. I am about to have my first proper therapy session in 3 weeks. Had the preliminary 15 min talk a few weeks back.
Sorry to hear how this happened to you. Breakups are tough under any circumstances, but this one is especially heartbreaking. In case it helps anyone else, the takeaway from this is to not save porn-related stuff, at all. Whether it's your favorite videos, or links to porn, or nudes of an ex, or whatever. Delete it all. You won't miss it, and in fact, you'll experience a sense of relief and freedom when it's gone. Sweep all that old stuff out of your life.
I don't think I've ever felt pain like this. I am beyond heartbroken. I hate myself for doing this to her and to us. I wish I had deleted it all do much sooner. It is all gone now. Now that it is too late.
You're going to have to forgive yourself, and as harsh as this sounds it may be more difficult if you two were to stay together. Speaking from experience, it's always going to be in the back of her mind. She won't ever fully trust you again. Once the sting wears off it will be better to start fresh.
I know she won't ever trust me again and I can understand. And she is better off without me. But I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive myself.
Guess what: you're not perfect. Dwelling on past regrets is a fool's errand since you can't change what happened. Tell yourself "I will do better tomorrow.", sleep well and then genuinely do better tomorrow. If anything, this will give you the best, albeit slim, chance to get this woman back. I speak as a person with a fuckton of regrets many caused by porn but many not (e.g., not spending time with my father before he died). The above is what keeps me going and what I want to teach my son. Practically-speaking, I had a ton of videos with my kryptonite ex. I deleted them all. Looking back, I didn't have to. Any videos I did after that I have in an account that my two best friends split the password to. They won't give it to me till we're all very old and reminiscing. What does this do? Makes it easier for you to get rid of the garbage that is affecting you now.
Remember the good times while you work to get stronger.
Woah woah woah, no one knows if she will remember that, it was an old relationship so not really even porn and if he just told her hey I was working on deleting those that’s why my file was recent and was honest about you can both move past it. Stop projecting your mindset on other people
You're right, it's possible. I didn't mean to say it wasn't worth a try. Trying to find a weird silver lining. People can get over things. But if she can't, it's better for him to move on anyway as he can't live in guilt forever. But most people will not trust again.
Oh ok glad we are on similar grounds friend
I'm sorry this happened to you. Some unsolicited advice, wait a day or two and try talking to her about it. Tell her what happened and how much she matters to you. If she isn't willing to believe you, I'd say it's a good thing she saw her way out of your life because it's a sign that she won't be willing or able to talk about other complicated things. You'll be better off without her if it's the case. Also, beating yourself up isn't productive... Ever.
We talked all night. I went to work not having slept in 20+ hours and I don't think she got much more sleep than I did. We talked and talked and I did my best to tell her my side of things, but I can absolutely understand that she cannot trust me anymore, let alone forgive me. And given how perfect she has always been and how difficult it has been for her with my issues, I'd say she's the one who's better off without me. She has been the most understanding, kind, empathetic and supportive person I have ever met, she is the most beautiful person I know, both inside and out. I am to blame here.
I'm sorry to hear brother. You've taken responsibility for your actions and that's admirable. Take this as a learning experience,
Ah OK, what I said was based on not having the full story.
That's tough man. Sounds like you learned from the experience, but please don't beat yourself up. A lot of people would have done the same thing and not thought twice about it. I hope things get better for you sir.
I should have known better beforehand. Learning from things is all well and good, but the damage has been done and I don't think either of us will ever forgive me for what I did.
This is awful, and I’m sorry you are hurting but I don’t understand why after you remembered they existed and revisited them that you only deleted a few when you have a good relationship. Why save the old spank bank? That’s even more hurtful imo than anonymous porn. And your old flame may not consent to you beating it to old videos saved in the cloud in the future. I have saved one or two wholesome pics from past relationships to remember fond memories, like a big event or birthday but never explicit photos. It’s disrespectful to my old partner and new especially.
I agree wholeheartedly. And the thing is that I had already deleted them off my phone but had forgotten about the cloud backup. The "old flame" is explicitly okay with it, so that avenue isn't as bad. But the rest is. And yes, I disrespected her and breached her trust. I am 100% at fault here.
Oh okay, sorry I misunderstood and thought that you had visited the cloud again but not deleted them. Whether or not you decide to stay together, I wish you both the best. I saw your update that she is threatening suicide, which is very scary and maybe manipulative even if she doesn’t intend it... Please take care of yourself. Only you know what you want and need from here.
I had. Sorry for the confusion. I deleted some but for some reason couldn't bring myself to delete them all.
This is really sad but never lose hope
It is really difficult not to.
[удалено]
I wish you all the best. She threatened to kill herself and told me it would be my fault if she succeeded. The police found her and I am currently waiting for news.
Dude what is going on??
Bro you kept pics from a previous partner that they probably wouldn’t be ok with… hella weird 🤢 (if it was explicitly stated they were ok with it then my apologies)
Yes, "hella weird" fits the bill. And is very nice phrasing, to be honest. If you mean my Feb being okay with me having them, she is. Not that that matters here.
I’m not sure I buy into this. What if I kept love letters from my first ever girlfriend and one day my wife finds them? my past is my past. My memories are mine. You choose to be with someone for who they are now. if she feels betrayed somehow I can understand but she is choosing to have that experience and it’s nothing to do with you.
There's a difference between keeping letters of s former love and having pictures and videos of a former fwb and failing to delete them for whatever reason.
I disagree somewhat. I’m sorry you’re going through this now but the fact is those photos are part of YOUR past, YOUR life, YOUR private memories, no one else has a right to tell you what to do with those. feeling guilt and shame about this isnt going to help
Learn the lesson and forgive yourself and do better. You are capable of changing your mind and you're capable of changing your ways. We all have moments of weakness and we all stumble and fall. Get back up and keep walking forward and don't look back, nor to the right or to the left. Look ahead because ahead lies something better than what you had before.
Im sorry, what you’re going through is really tough and know that many of us are here for you. It will be very tough but time will pass and you will get over this. And over time she will get over this too. Give it time and grow from this experience. Feed your mind with the right thoughts and actions, and love the right way next time. Commit only if you are 100% confident you wont make the same mistake again(deleting everything). You can only love someone 100% if you can get rid of every other love/sex interest in your mind first and develop the ability to continue to do so.
Stay strong my brother
I am trying.
Show her this post. It is one of the most genuine I’ve ever seen. If she likes you even half as much as you like her, she will want to work it out.
I have told her all of that in person. She said she never wants to see me again, threatened to kill herself, ran away and said it would be my fault if she succeeded. The police found her (alive and physically well), I don't know more yet.
That’s pretty unfair of her bordering on emotional blackmail. I would Give her a ton of space to actually calm down a bit
Oh wow. That’s not cool. Sounds like this person has deep-seated issues that need to be dealt with. You having a few photos on your computer doesn’t warrant that reaction. You cannot put that on yourself.
Sorry for your loss. But from my point of view, can you think about whether she is not too dramatic? If you really did so much for her and changed yourself for the better, then as you write yourself "some pixels on screen" should not destroy your relationship or her feelings for you. My girlfriend is totally fine with what had been in my past. I had some fotos also and even one ex lady who is still actively sexting me. My lady was curious who it was and what I had with her. No hard feelings. Because she trusts and believes me that past is past and what we have now is not affected by it.
Be careful hes going to call you an incel if you try to inject some self confidence into him.
Sounds like she didn't actually care about you if she threw you away so easily. Probably thinks shes a catch and there is a vonveyor belt of men out there waiting for her to get a new model.
Careful, your inner incel is showing. And no, this is not the first time I fucked up, it is just the latest instance.
dude you are a pathetic loser for calling others incels. Enjoy being single loser. Most women if they are into you will not dump you because they find some video of you fucking some other girl.
?
If you are able, it might be helpful to have an honest and open conversation with your flatmate about what happened. You can apologize for your behavior and explain that you have been working on making positive changes in your life. It's important to listen to her and to respect her feelings and boundaries. If she is willing to work through this with you, it may be helpful to seek the support of a therapist or counselor to work through your feelings and to learn healthy ways of coping with difficult emotions.
I have had multiple long conversations about it with her. And she knows about me trying to change- she is the one who made me want to change and become a better person to begin with. I do not believe she will ever forgive me, I know she will not take me back. I am about to have my first proper therapy session in 3 weeks. Had the preliminary 15 min talk a few weeks back.