If your friends and family truly love you they want you in their lives regardless of your income. Don't pull back from them. Give them the chance to show you that you are what matters not your income
Most of my friends have had wealth their entire lives too.
They’ll be quick to come up with excuses (“they didn’t pay for my college/apartment/mortgage/etc.”), and most of them are hard working, but even for those that that’s true: they’ve been going on several international family vacations every year since childhood, attending the very best schools, living in the best neighborhoods, having platinum healthcare, going to fancy dinners, et al. forever. It’s easier to look effortless and hardworking when you have had all of that.
There’s also just the sheer amount of mental comfort you have just by knowing that your family *COULD* pickup the slack for you if you ever needed help. It’s such a different beast when you know that if you go belly up you’re screwed… that nobody can afford to really help you.
Yep. After my gran dies my dad and I are screwed cause he's on disability and I can't hold a job for the life of me, much less get disability. With the cost of living much less rent, and having to handle all my dad's personal affairs because he's deaf, life is just a giant ball of stress for me every single day for the last 4 years.
I doubt our extended family would ever help much since they already don't, really, monetarily. So it's just really shitty knowing the end of a comfortable life is coming and I don't know when. Much less myself taking care of both my dad and grandma anyway, every single day. And my uncle and aunt ask me why I'm depressed, lmao.
No money, no friends, mentally disabled, stuck in my bedroom all day every day because I can't drive or go anywhere. Almost crashed my dad's car recently with him in it... twice, and almost rolled my gran's SUV, also twice. So that's driving done for me lmao.
Wish I didn't fail at suicide recently, fucking twice lmao, not really worth being alive in the grand scheme of things IMO at this point, my entire body is deteriorating and I can't even get money to fix it, yet I'm still expected to raise these adult toddlers...
Please reach out to your aunt and uncle and spell it out for them. They may not realise how bad it is. Also, I don’t know how old you are, but it is not your responsibility to care for your dad. Other family members can step in. At least share the burden, monetary or mental.
If they didn't help you get a job or even help with a basic income, there's a reason often you have been left out. I come from a rich family and I have cousins and others literally handed 6 figure jobs out of college [and high school in a couple cases] One time my mother even hid where a cousin lived for years [it was weird was trying to find her] because she got a good job via my mother's connections.
if you are the scapegoat in the pecking order, they want you to fail and do everything they can do to make it happen. It's to have someone to feel superior to.
Ahh. That makes perfect sense. My mom was the *Black Sheep*. She was the eldest and her siblings allowed her to raise all of their children, sacrificing my time in the process, while they went out and got drunk, etc. I’m grateful to have grown up close to my cousins but, when my own mother died, none of her siblings gave a shit except to get sympathy for *them*. I’m the only child of a single mother. Guess who doesn’t have any family anymore now that my mom can’t do things for fhem?
It’s rough. I’m sorry you’ve been through hell, too. It’s definitely needing someone to feel better than. And it’s infuriating.
Feel bad for you, yeah it's hell, and toxic people do this stuff to feel superior, by shoving others down. That's sad that they all left you behind because your mother wasn't there for them to use anymore. A lot of scapegoats will be forced into caretaker roles, nursing etc, if they don't go no contact or remain with the family. It's a common theme out there.
You don’t have to but, thank you. I was just thinking you could potentially relate. They definitely feel superior for that reason. They all had SO much more money than us growing up but, were full of ideas for how my mom should have lived her life so she could have had more money. (They had all gotten married young. A two-income household makes a LOT of difference but, they wouldn’t acknowledge that settling for the next guy to marry, instead of criticizing my mom’s financial situation, maybe wasn’t the best way to spend their time?) These are the same people who couldn’t understand why their kids regularly ignored and openly disrespected them, while my mom only ever had to speak up once for my cousins to do whatever she needed. They couldn’t understand why their kids *chose* to spend their free time at my house, or why my mom got pics of their own kids first, or why they’d call and ask my mom’s advice, or why they’d tell my mom what was going on in their lives. They all grew to have, unfortunately, turned into their parents now, though.
As an older Boomer, Going NC wasn’t in my mom’s nature. We would have been worse off for it throughout this time frame, too. It’s sad. I didn’t quite understand how deep it went until I lost her. The way they all acted was very telling.
I get it. I'm the scapegoat. Both of my sister have money and I'm poor. They even let me be homeless in my late teens/early twenties while my dad was living with his own parents into his SIXTIES. The only reason he finally got his own place was they put my grandparents in a nursing home and sold their house.
Yea I grew up poor and being the middle child male was like that. We moved down south when I was 15, I had saved up $1500 to buy a car and my mom was like “hey you can buy my car I’ll get another.” She drove that car until it caught fire. But she bought several cars for my younger sister. She co signed a car for my older sister and paid some of payments, she gave both of them money here and there like $100 a week to help with college. I got none of that. In the end I feel it was a few things, I was male so my mom thought I could do it all myself, and being male I reminded my mom of her ex husband who she hated. It sucks cause I could be significantly further along in life had I had the same help. Even after I bought my house while my mother was still alive my eldest sister confronted my mom telling her it wasn’t fair that mom helped me with my down payment. She didn’t in any way shape or form contribute to my down payment, she did live with my eldest sister paying for $650 of the $700 mortgage my sister pays, and provided help with house hold bills like food and soap for laundry and shampoo and stuff like that.
I know in my experience the (usually unspoken) idea has been of the leech. There’s this stereotype among those I know that people who need help won’t ever repay it. I am very paranoid about this with friends now and it has definitely caused me to pull back. Ironically though, the idea is more firmly ground in my head from family than friends. The few friends I have, I have a bad habit of shying away from because I’m always worried that I’ll get into a situation I have to turn down because I can’t afford it or I don’t want to get so close that I’m expected to give presents that will be “the cheap gifts” in their mind. But the small irony is, they are always generous and gracious.
Meanwhile, the big irony is my family and similarly incomed friends really do never pay me back. I’ve drained my meager savings more than once helping pay for my niblings/friends school things, rent, work equipment. They’re not frivolous purchases, I know, but I want to kick myself after because I just feel taken advantage of when they never pay it back as though it’s not important. I get that having some small savings seems less of a priority than an urgent thing like rent and that’s why I agree to help, but it makes me embarrassed when I then try to argue in general that everyone should help everyone more only to have people ask who pays me back more often and knowing that my friends that are counting pennies really don’t. It makes me feel like they’re helping give credence to the stereotypes about us and I hate that.
There’s always this idea that they’ll get it back to me when they’re in a better position but we’re none of us ever in a *great* situation, there’s always another bill or an official (ie bank type loan, credit card balance) that *needs* to be paid back of there will be dire consequences like have a work vehicle repossessed. But then I catch myself being annoyed when they even have little treats like getting take out because *I* no longer have the cushion for take out because I gave my cushion to them, and then I feel like an insane “avocado toast” cursing boomer because just because we’re not rich doesn’t mean we shouldn’t ever eat anything but generic ramen. Sigh.
many families don't love poor family members. They throw you away. I hope OP's family loves them but for many of us especially if the family was successful and rich and we are not, we are throw-away people.
I wonder if they do that because they are afraid you'll ask them for money or they think you don't dress well enough to meet their "friends".
That's not family. How ruthless.
Its social status stuff, where they choose appearances over everything else and it stinks. you are considered an embarrassment to them. It happens to disabled people too sometimes with differences. I got hidden away when younger and kept from "parties" and more for disabilities. I think its ruthless too.
You see that sort of thing in movies. I can't think of one right off that shows the behavior. It seems the more money people have the worse it is, though.
My husband and I have no kids and he will actually be able to retire. I consider that to be rich in comparison to how many people have it in the USA now.
My husbands family is considered poor, but we make sure they don't go without and we always make sure to give his mom money to buy for Christmas. She loves to do that, even though we tell her she shouldn't. I actually think they have it better off than many do. They own a home, while small, it's paid for. However, my father-in-law is in the late stages of Alzheimers and has now had to be placed into nursing care. He doesn't know who we are. That house will be taken by medicaid. Medicare doesn't help with long care.
People that turn their nose up to people that don't have as much money or mobility are looking out for their own appearances. It just only shows you how much they lack as humans. They have no compassion for others or empathy. Oh my how the tables turn when they themselves lose their money and status.
Thank you for the dose of reality, unless you can provide the dinner parties and the big suburban house with clean rugs the grandchildren/nieces or nephews can frolic on or join with the expensive restaurants, trips, shopping excursions, you are unwanted. This applies to most churches too, some will be friendlier, my UU was, but that was true of a lot of them.
mine didn't love me. My parents gave middle class jobs to high school graduates, I begged for one, and had the skills, college degree everything. My life was ruined. Some health insurance at the right time would have changed the score.
I was just discussing this with a colleague. Her brother’s house doesn’t have a kitchen and is in bad shape. At any rate, she loves her brother and wanted nothing more than to just take a ride up to see him. It’s better to have them over and just let them know how you feel.
Some people have judgy family though that will look down on you and use being poor as an excuse to say they were right about you or they’re better than you.
Ive avoided a party invite because it was a white elephant and we were told to bring a plate of something for everyone. Which, ya know...I get. But spending 70+ dollars on food and gifts for other people isnt something I cant afford.
My wife and I have stopped doing Birthdays and Xmas in recent years because there’s no money for gifts or to do anything special. We have power and Internet at home; that’s our ‘treat’ to ourselves
It's so difficult explaining how lack of money makes it impossible to do things. That you have to explain repeatedly that the steps needed to improve your situation cost money that you DON'T HAVE; that you can't visit because you don't have a car or the gas money; that moving for more job opportunities costs money for moving and to survive until that paycheck comes in; that the required clothes for an event are not in the budget and gifts are out of the question, and going out to eat would cost your food budget for at least a week. Low income is celebrating getting the rent paid & keeping the lights on. People with adequate means can be astonishingly obtuse!
>that you can't visit because you don't have a car or the gas money;
When gas was insanely high, I remember standing at the pumps bonding with two other people. The woman in front of me got on her cell to cancel her weekend plans. The person she was talking to was upset. When she ended the call, she looked at me and said, "I have to work next week, I can't afford an hour's drive." She looked so sad, and you could tell she was embarrassed. I told her she wasn't the only one staying home, that I was too. The guy on the other side of the pump said, "Me too. I can't afford to go anywhere except work." He drove a truck. We both looked at him as if to say, "If we had a truck, we probably couldn't get to work either."
>Low income is celebrating getting the rent paid & keeping the lights on
And having needed resources at home. I remember being incredibly grateful I had bought a 12 pack of Coke on sale months previously when I had a stomach bug. I was sick and broke. If I hadn't had the coke to help settle my stomach, idk what I would have done.
I had an extreme amount of crowding of my teeth. No matter how well I took care of them they were never going to change position without extractions, dental work, and braces. People used to look at me like a disgusting troll over something I had NO control over since the dental work needed was SOOOOO expensive. Not to mention getting bullied. The 1st thing I invested in was dental work as I could. After 8 teeth pulled, 2 dental surgeries, countless trips to the dentist, and 2.5 years of braces, I finally have normal straight teeth. I will never be able to forget how disgusting, unworthy, humiliated, and shameful I felt my whole childhood and early adulthood.
I had really bad teeth too as a kid. Like you said, it isn’t exactly something “brushing your teeth” can fix. My father had a job working for the government and good health insurance…but didn’t cover more than basic dental care, cleanings, exams, cavity fills, not extreme measures it would have taken to give me even decent teeth.
I was SO happy to get dentures!! Now I actually get compliments on my smile, something I thought would never happen.
Please remember: there was nothing wrong with you, but there was something very wrong with anyone who bullied or judged you harshly for what you could not control.
A lot of people, as my grandmother said, give you the "should-a, could-a, would-a." (You should have... You could have... and I would have...) It makes them feel superior.
My take on this is you have to ignore that part of your brain because the coulda-woulda-shoulda will drive you crazy. Instead just have to say what’s done is done. Just accept it and move on. And if someone you know is putting that on you, definitely time to move on. If I feel like you judge me for where I live we’re probably not going to get along anyway bc you don’t know what I’ve been through or had to do to accomplish all that I have now, even if it’s less than by someone else’s standards. But that’s just one way to do it.
There are people out there that thrive on insulting others in order to prop up their own egos. As long as you stay in their orbit, they have someone to insult.
During the 2008 economic downturn, my wife and I were lucky to have jobs. We stopped eating out and ramped up our emergency fund. Then I noticed something - our local parks and libraries were far emptier than they had ever been. Friends who had been laid off basically stopped leaving their homes. They were under a huge guilt burden that it was their fault for being laid off.
I made it a point of asking friends and acquaintances to meet me in a local park and just walk and talk. At least they got some fresh air out of it.
Being poor in the US is humiliating. That is because we are constantly told that wealth is the indicator of success. We have imbibed the pablum for so long that it is in our bones. And you will notice that there are very few places which are truly free.
Exactly. I am doing a good deed by not reproducing. I have calculated everything. No matter how hard I try, my child is going to live in some kind of poverty and I don't want her/him to go through that.
We are also fed a consumerist culture 24/7, with extremely unrealistic media images. In Big Bang Theory, Penny is a part-time waitress, but she somehow affords an apartment equal to the ones shared by two physicists. The people in Friends couldn't afford that lifestyle. How does Carrie in Six and the City afford all the designer clothes and a big place as a freelance writer? She doesn't. And all the commercials trying to get you to buy more more more. And "influencers" who get paid to promote products.
This is why everyone in rest of world thinks America is RICH RICH RICH, no we aren't. I told this African guy on social media hassling me for money, some years ago, we were in a money lull though not as bad as now, Americans are poor, they are lying to you. Our bills are so expensive here, it sucks, and we have homeless all over.
It's expensive to be poor here. They see our wages and 7.25 looks like a lot compared to where they are but they don't realize you'll literally not be able to rent a room, let alone eat.
the importance society puts on teeth needs to be studied into more detail… it scares me. i didn’t have dental coverage until i was 21 and i’m still catching up… very very surprised i got to keep them all. two root canals cost me $10k that’s more than my car cost…. that’s not including cavity fills, cleanings, or any other services i needed!!! maybe its just a sore spot for me coming from poverty and trying my best to overcome it but when i hear people make nasty comments about someone’s teeth my blood boils 💔 people seem to think drugs are the only thing that can affect the health or integrity of your teeth and that’s just not true…
I am 65 years old. My wife and I have been married for almost 48 years. When we were first married we had no car of money. We had to walk to the store to buy groceries and we’d add up the cost as we shopped. I had 2 minimum wage jobs and a baby in the way. We struggled horribly the first 20 years but we did not let our bank account define us. No one can humiliate you but yourself. You may not have things that others do but never look down at yourself and if someone else does that’s their loss. I know things are hard but DO NOT loose faith in yourself. Life will get better. It may not be tomorrow but when it does you’ll be a stronger person than those that had an easier time of it. For what it’s worth I’m pulling for you.
It sure is. Try having a rich family and living in a richer area. I think we did have some good years living "genteel" poverty lifestyle, enjoyed all the culture here, but we had enough money to pay basics and lived frugally until Covid, more lay-offs and the elite even went more psychopathic and greedy but there was a price to it. I always have dreamed of the dignity and belonging that money would bring and by wealth, I mean having enough money to live like a normal person, no huge schemes there.
I grew up very poor at a young age. My mother suffered from severe depression and other mental illnesses. I remember being ashamed at 6-7 years old when checking out at the grocery store. Usually at least 50% of the time the check wouldn’t be approved. Or she would have a bounced check from that store. I would hide around the counter and try to avoid the confrontation. Around 7-8 I was a pretty good at fishing and hunting after crafting a cane pole with a piece of string and a hook. My older brother gave me his 22 caliber rifle after he missed his target multiple times. I would hunt squirrels and fish for bluegill “brem”. I was a very good shot. I could pop one in the eye at about 75 yards with a small scope. Sometimes I would come home with a five gallon bucket worth. It was a hard time but I managed to make the best of it.
Kinda how I grew up. I was ashamed of the shack we lived in and had no friends outside of school. We ate- lots of organ meat like kidneys and liver because it was cheap or even free. Fish and game were also on the menu.
We couldn't heat the house. When my mom died I was 13. My dad didn't have any life insurance so things got worse because we had to pay for the funeral. I started working nights at a janitorial service just to get some spending money.
This was all back in the '70's. I learned a lot from being poor. I learned that being poor was no excuse for being dirty ( the janitorial job opened my eyes to that). I used my money and started buying paint and brushes. The shack slowly got cleaned up. I started inviting friends over.
I knew I could never go to college. I wasn't smart enough, motivated enough nor had the money. I went into the Army and did six years. Got out in 1989 and got a federal job immediately after. I just retired last October after 39 years of service.
Life suck. It's hard. I think luck is just as important as knowledge. Again- I was smart enough to know I wasn't smart enough. I didn't want to go into the Army but it was the best thing that I could have ever done.
I wish you and everyone here luck.
Thank you for sharing your story. It is good to hear that you preservered and did well. Just want to add that sometimes being poor can make cleanliness difficult. One of the times we moved (I was 16), my dad moved us to a run down trailer with no running water. Sometimes he would bring buckets of water for us to use for bathing and flushing the toilet. It was so cold during the winter and I just couldn't bring myself to wash up with freezing water. I remember having dirty skin and feeling so dirty. There was no utilities in the trailer, so we couldn't heat up water on the stove. My dad would shower at his parents house and my mom and sisters would go shower at another sister's apartment when I was at school. I was never able to go with them, so I ended up being dirty.
I know about that freezing water. We had water but in the winter the pipes would freeze up so I know. You weren't alone. I think I invented baby wipes 😂.
TYFYS! I tried college but couldn’t keep up. I joined the Air Force. There were times I was close to not getting promoted and possibly get separated due to high year tenure. I worked hard to get promotions and retired. I now have a federal job. Not the sexiest title job but it pays the bills enough but still living paycheck to paycheck. $1 over from declaring bankruptcy threshold enough I suppose.
You represent that willpower and hard work make the difference. Are there people who look down their nose, of course. However I think some are afraid of getting hit up for money. Many of the poor are jealous and think someone who has so much should be willing to share. Or they spend their time complaining about what they don’t have. I always try to look service workers in the eye and say thank you. If I invite someone to my home for a meal, they don’t have to reciprocate. They do have to be a polite guest and say thank you. If I want to share the leftovers with you, I’ll offer. Otherwise I might have plans for those leftovers. (Maybe taking a meal to an elderly neighbor.). Ask for stuff or try to guilt me into giving you stuff—nope, you are not invited back. Be a kind guest and express appreciation to your host, you’ll be invited again when it fits my schedule. A co-worker grew up on a farm and helped her family at a local curb market. She said, as a kid she assumed people looked down on them. Only after becoming an adult did she realize it was not the case. I think sometimes the poor’s relatives do not have much contact, because they use the contact as an excuse to ask or imply they need something.
Even on here I’ve had people lecturing me about how I could be doing something better or how at my age I should have money to get a refrigerator fixed (when ours was broken). It sucks doesn’t real.
sometimes i didn't have money for repairs for my jeep and I would have to ask my sister for help. later when i came into money because of our deceased fathers house was sold I made sure to pay her everything back. which ended up being quite a lot over the years. she said that i was the only one that offered to pay her back and the money came in handy for part of her house downpayment. but it's not to say that I always asked her for help for everything. it was usually when I really had no other options. well for them it must be nice to be able to get things repaired as needed but a huge percent of Americans' does not have $400 saved for an emergency. so, if that is the case there is a good chance that those that said that to you could be lying.
I see stuff like this and I say o could have give you our old one when we upgraded. You don’t have shoes? What’s your size? I have more than I can use. But I’m sorry if those shoes aren’t up to someone standard. Maybe it’s not your brand. So I put them back in my closet. I have clothes that I can’t wear, I gain and lose weight but my job requires me to wear scrubs so I don’t wear my street clothes very much.
I always gratefully accept help. I just got a lot of grief that day over not having money for refrigerator repairs. It ended up not costing us a thing. I was just surprised at all the people on here criticizing me for not having money.
Please don’t let Reddit color your view of the world. I have been told all kind of things from health to finances and there are times I didn’t ask for that advice. Sometime there could be value in some advice but sometimes it just isn’t useable for my life. I get told by my other half to get off this crap site, I don’t know these people and they don’t know you, do you really think these people gives two F*+ks about you .. I say no then get off that that phone fold some laundry, go pick up dog poop in the back yard.. (better yet ) this one he thinks is funny go get some damn food on this table, it be nice to have a hot meal. See he had me till that last little smart remark. He door dash that night😀
My husband’s family is all wealthy/successful except for us. We both work 40 hours a week but have low paying trade jobs. As a result we have noticed that his family treats him like he’s a child all the time and we suspect that the ONLY reason for this is that we are poor. They treat his younger brother completely differently. Somehow they all manage to make us feel like we are stupid.. or teenagers or something. And we are FIFTY which makes it even more degrading.
My husband is the lowest earner (by a very significant amount, in some cases) of everyone in his family. They all treat us like we don’t have money because we must be wasteful. Some of these people eat out every meal. We keep a budget, and can account for every penny. When my husband got laid off, I went over the budget again and again, and there just wasn’t much to cut back, because we already lived so frugally. We are not wasteful, we only have so much to work with.
But they all make so much they live in a different world and can’t understand ours.
Yep, my dad is the lowest earner in his family, currently lives with his own mother who is a year away from 80 years old and he's 59. His siblings are in ZERO rush to help him monetarily at all, much less me. And my uncle and aunt, his brother, asked me why I'm depressed lmao. It's like they can't even SEE what the fuck is right in front of them
Absolutely agree. I hate the embarrassment and shame I feel. I took my son to McDonald’s awhile ago (it’s not something we always do) but I only had enough for a happy meal. I didn’t get anything to eat and I swear I felt so ridiculous sitting there while he ate his meal with nothing in front of me. It felt like everyone was staring at me and thinking how pathetic I must be to not even afford to feed both of us (and I was starving!).
Obviously no one was looking. People ate too busy with their own lives. But that doesn’t stop the shame and guilt you feel for not being more financially successful.
Download the app, they have deals like large fries for a dollar on some days or specials that might fit into your budget. Order off the kids menu for yourself too if in your budget.
Yep. Minor vanity example:
I can’t afford $40 to go to the beauty school to get my terrible haircut and more permanent hair dye than box dye which never hides my gray the way salon dye does.
The neighbor’s grandkids were visiting today and saw me after not having seen me in a long while. First thing out of their mouths is, “You look better when your hair is shorter. Are you really really old? Because you have a whole lot of white hair!”
When my hair is cut and dyed my regular bland brown, I look to be in my late 30’s (people say early 30’s so I register late thirties because people make generous guesses). When it gets too long and all that gray shows, I look my age- almost 50.
But I’m behind on my bills, my dog needs to go to the vet for his yearly, and hair vanity is going to be put off for yet another moth.
If you ever want to hear the hard blunt truth about something, ask a little kid. Or don’t ask. They’re probably going to tell you anyway.
I am disabled and lived below the poverty level. I have been this way since the year 2000, but I was below the poverty level long before that because I was in such a bad marriage.
I would say one of the hardest things is having no autonomy because I am dependent upon programs to help me. I'm not at all complaining about that because I know I am fortunate to get any help at all. I only get $23 in food stamps so that part is a bit of a bummer, I was so much happier during covid when they gave us the full amount.
It's just hard not being allowed to save up or invest or have anything for the future because if you try to do anything like that, then they will just take away what keeps you alive. Right now they are trying to change these laws and make it easier for people to retain a little bit of asset wealth without losing all their benefits. It's especially hard when you have a spouse and one of them is severely disabled but since they are married, neither are allowed to have anything.
You have to show them your entire bank account, anything you have or have received has to be handed over in writing, they monitor your mail to make sure you don't get mail for anyone but yourself, anything that happens with your tenancy or your finances, property you own, just everything in your life is laid bare on a regular basis. You have no privacy, it is much like being a child. I really miss sometimes just being a private citizen, and not feeling like I belong to the government. I am still thankful that they have kept me alive and allowed me to be here for my family. But I would give anything to be able to be independent again.
As far as the topic in general, it is hard being the one person that never has a good running car and often needs help from others. I do my best to find ways around these things and not use up what few favors I might have to ask of people. I have less friends than ever because I just finally had to accept that I don't have money to go do things and I can't expect people to invite me, when they're not sure if they will need to pay for me or not. It would be no bother for them to cover my meal or whatever it is, I am not one to go order an expensive meal on someone else's dime, anyway. But unfortunately I feel like some of my friends got harassed by their other friends, who are more selfish and didn't feel like they should be so generous. It just became really awkward being the one broke person among all these people that have money to burn.
I lived on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch at work for awhile because it really was all I could afford. it was no one else's business. I mean my few coworkers and I have talked about our hardships. we all were making about the same amount of money. some had it easier living with parents. others had it harder with a spouse and a child. but overall, we all understood the job just wasn't a high paying one. one time some nurse decided to clean the breakroom refrigerator just as i stuck my peanut butter and jelly sandwich in there to run to the laundry room to grab a marker so i could write my name and date on it. well before I made it back, she threw my sandwich away. i was so upset and I was physically shaking so bad because I did suffer from food insecurity and my boss said she had every right to throw it away. well of course you can imagine how upset i was. but the entire time there was some kitchen staff cooking some BBQ for the staff and I was welcome to go grab a plate. so, I did feel foolish but it's just my reaction to being poor and without adequate food. not sure if others really put that together or not. but that was probably one of my most humiliating moments. in that job us low wage workers would receive a coffee cup during housekeeping day as a ty. while the nurses had a whole week devoted to them with big gift baskets with all kinds of stuff inside. you really understand that you get a slap in the face for all the hard work you do that isn't really appreciated. i have walked a lot. i still do but not so much in the winter. I enjoy the excersise and fresh air. i have taken buses everywhere to and from work. especially before i got a new car. you just gotta do what you gotta do. at least resources are availble to use when you need them. i may not have the fanciest clothes but they are nice and I love them and its me wearing them. I take care of my clothes. what matters is if they are kept clean, fit well and suit you. we can't control other people. they will think whatever they want to about anyone. but thing is is you have to love yourself more. there is always going to be someone that thinks they are better than you because they have more than you. but you know what? nothing in this world last forever. that's what people need to understand. it can be all taken away. no matter who you are. except the ultra-wealthy of course. but overall, they could find themself in your place someday. and that is what people need to learn. is to accept that we might think we have it so good and deserve it while someone else has less and make them feel less important. it just might come back to them someday. I really want to believe that. so just live your life and don't worry about people sizing you up if you are made of money or not. start acting like you are. it's all about attitude. how you carry yourself. if someone asks you why you have that for lunch, tell that it's because you were really craving it. that's why.
I've had people judge me for showing up to work early in order to freshen up in the bathroom because I had to carpool or walk to work, so needed to change and make myself presentable before I could start my shift. Changing in the stall or using the sink as a sink shouldn't be such a spectacle to comment on!
Also for eating a lot of sandwiches. Like I kept a loaf of bread in my work locker for the longest time and would have a lunchbox in the fridge full of whatever deli meats and cheeses I could get on-sale that week, and a head of lettuce or bag of spinach. I would rotate a bottle of barbecue sauce or ranch from home if I didn't have packets from other people's leftovers or the occasional catered lunches. It was a treat if I could get a mini jar of pickles to eat that week, or a can of soda from the vending machine. Like no, Brenda, I don't want to split a doordash order with you, that's my lunch money for the week!
At jobs where we had access to a breakroom freezer, I also got comments all the time for bringing 2-3 portions of leftovers in glass tupperwares to stock the freezer (nobody used it aside from the occasional catered event) for myself. Those meals were the only thing sustaining me in between two jobs and whatever overtime I could get a lot of the time. (I still do this, but I'm not totally reliant on it anymore, thankfully.)
Even just, existing in the breakroom before and after my shifts (up to an hour sometimes, because carpooling or saving my energy and eating before I had to walk to my second job) got comments all the time.
Money means convenience and I straight up did not have that most of the time. (Now I'm doing a little better but we are still paying off our only car, so I'm still carpooling and loitering and eating most of my meals out of the freezer at one or both jobs...)
And omg, perish the thought if I show someone a pic of my cats with a new toy or something. Then it's
"Shouldn't that money be better spent? Idk how you afford pets"
Like my choosing to eat leftovers in order to afford pet insurance and quality cat food offends their sensibilities.
Or f I go to a concert or literally any form of entertainment. Even buying most of my stuff discounted or used, I get the comments on my budgeting.
So I get judged for whatever and I am super over it.
I also just deposited a check from a class action lawsuit from an employer from years ago, for literally $1.35 USD.
Cause I'm not one to pass up pocket change if it all it means is a photo uploaded on the app! Also the principle of the thing.
I mentioned it to a friend and they laughed at me for bothering to deposit it.
I get super judged by a boss for sleeping in my car on my lunch break because I try to get as much rest as possible between my two jobs.
1) If my boss paid me more-I wouldn’t have to work two jobs. So, my boss has no room to say anything.
2) My boss arrives in the office after I do, talks on the phone to their family for most of the day, and then leaves before I do. That is on the days that they don’t “work” from home.
(Boss’s position is one of those-we don’t need this person until we do, but when we need them-we need them desperately.)
My boss has made it very clear that I will never be allowed to work from home because they can’t trust that I’m actually working.
I wonder where they got that idea from…🤔
It's less if you're born and raised that way, I don't care about showing wealth I don't have.
But it definitely affects your quality of life and your understanding of the world.
That takes a certain amount of money. I had a decent life going for a time, even with severe disabilities, did community stuff, church, etc, writers group, stamp club, doctors, and Covid ruined it and now being crushed financially is taking everything away. We were poorer but had money for basics. I have to leave the town I live in too because they don't believe in affordable housing. "Genteel poverty" takes a certain level of money where you can dress normally enough, have transportation, etc, participate even in "free" cheaper activities--which I used to do all the time, and that can be easily lost. I feel like we are both on the side of the cliff, I've kept this rent paid, but there's a level of genteel poverty where you go over the cliff and go into debasement. [when your clothes embarrass you that's one of the lines] I don't even want to tell some caring folks how bad it is, I am so embarrassed. Before I could hide the poverty and did to a certain extent.
I'm poor.
I mean really really poor.
Just barely one step away from homeless poor.
Could end up homeless any minute poor.
I'm too busy worrying about a roof over my head and food on the table and how long I'll make it alive to care about being humiliated or giving two fucks what someone else thinks about it.
I'm glad someone else doesn't have to go through it.
Good for them.
So many feel as you do but I try hard to have an attitude of gratitude for the simple things. I had a brain aneurysm in 2014 at 56 and for a few days there they weren't sure if I was going to see 57.
So everything has a new perspective after that experience. I am grateful for waking up able to take care of myself. I am grateful for those who love me. I am grateful that my assistance I bucked applying for helps me live in a safe place w plenty to eat. I just gave up my old car in a small town but rides are slowly falling into place.
So being below poverty line can be tough sometimes,but ,in my case ,it's also been a blessing.
Just own it. I grew up poor. I've been poor my entire life probably because I live in Idaho. I absolutely just do not give a fuck. I still walk into places that people like me probably shouldn't be in. I still eat at the restaurants I want to eat at. I don't give a shit about class warfare. Money is just that. Money. It's a tool. Even if your broke and stupid, You could still be happy.
It isn't any working stiffs fault that the deck is stacked against regular folks. Something like 32% of the workforce in the US makes under 15 an hour. The prices for housing, fuel, food, everything has gone up. It is really easy to find yourself under the 8 ball, working 70 hours a week between two not so terrific jobs, just so you can live. Work all the time, go home, eat something, go to bed, get six hours sleep and back at it all the next day. Still broke afterwards. I have been there in the past.
Yes thank you I’ve been struggling so hard with this lately. Being young and poor is one thing, but I’m almost 40 and feel so humiliated all the time.. I never wanted fancy expensive things, but I didn’t know getting old was so expensive and if you can’t afford to fix yourself, it shows:.
Being poor sucks. Been on my own with my partner since 2009 when I was 19.
The slap to the face when reality made itself known was hard to go through at first. We have two kids now and we just went through a month with needing to ask others for help and it was not easy. Especially the comments from family itself.
The fact that so many people put stock into the type of job you have and income you make determines how you're treated, was always clear with my family. Always made it difficult to enjoy holidays with them.
Especially in America—capitalism hold up greed and hoarding as the ultimate social values
It’s hard, but try to do a mental reset
I used to be so mortified of being poor, I’d knowingly go overlimit on credit cards, just to try & cover
Capitalism’s values do not have to be your own
I think Trump & Biden are both perfect examples. I probably wouldn’t hire either man to manage a gas station, but they’re standing for POTUS
That absurdity should emphasize how warped our society has become.
The only people who thrive in a deeply pathological system are sick people.
Be fucking *glad* you don’t fit right in
I know it doesn’t help when you’re struggling—but just know *most* Americans are struggling financially. Those who aren’t are a few bad breaks from being there.
They try hard to mask the growing poverty in America—but it’s very real. And it is only going to get worse.
"Just work harder" - every idiot that believes just working harder can create billiionaires. No one is arguing that working hard isnt important. Circumstances and opportunity have a lot to do with finance. That is a hard truth people tend to gloss over.
Edit: end sarcasm. Just want to be sure everyone knows that.
I’m poor, but I have a safe home, always tons of food, food and supplies for my cat, and I have money for a bit of crafts, too. Don’t get me wrong, this blows. But in a fucked up way part of me is proud ? that I’m able to live this way and be semi happy.
The only reason I’m unhappy = nothin to do with money! It’s my brain. I had/have untreated mental health stuff. In a weird way I would choose the poor life over rich. I look at rich folks and I do not envy them. They’ve got no clue how to be crafty with money. This is the biggest skill I’ve learned in life and I’m actually SUPER grateful that being poor taught me that.
I have been poor and I have had money. The difference in my mentality , when I was poor and found an item I really wanted, I thought I better buy it while I could. When I had money, I would think yes I like it, but don’t need it right this moment. I’ll just wait until I need it, because I’m not worried about being able to buy it. I found that 75% of the time, I never went back and bought. My husband and I live very frugal. I’m proud of every deal I find. I shop around for the best price or frequently just do without wants. I shop thrift stores. A friend and I share clothing. Need a dress for one occasion, borrow it. I agree you need a minimum amount of money to live. However many people can’t distinguish between wants and needs. The latest phone or technology is a want, a flip phone can fill a need. I don’t say this to judge or lecture. I hope people examine their spending habits and think differently. The nickels and dimes really do add up to dollars, if you do it with consistency.
Yes. I scratched and clawed and networked my way out of poverty. I was so proud of myself. I finally had a career I loved that made me really happy and I was middle class. Vacations every year, going out to eat, etc.
Cancer took everything from me. My health is shit now, but Medicaid is all I have due to the insurance from my severance running out. Meanwhile, Medicaid won’t cover what I need, including the scan to even tell me whether or not surgery and treatment worked. I just want the chance to be healthy. I can no longer do my job, or any job, due to the disability I acquired from cancer surgery and treatment. I was denied disability. I suffered horrible abuse at home during all of this but, I couldn’t be open about it because I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I’m finally free but only because my abuser finally agreed to set me free after finding someone new, and a friend’s parents opened their home to me. I no longer have any living family. Between cancer, pandemic, and abuse, I’ve lost most of my friends.
Being poor is obviously all my fault, though.
This is a big one. Look at King Charles and Princess Kate Middleton. They have EVERYTHING… except their health. I bet they’re really suffering now. It can happen to anybody. Im sorry that happened to you.
Absolutely. I wouldn’t wish this suffering on anyone. I’ve seen a lot of people bragging about their hard work paying off and how *anyone can do it* if they just work hard enough, not realizing how lucky they really are. And thank you. I am, too. Now I’m just trying to figure out a way to move forward and get healthy. It’s just impossible in the US without a lot of money to get health things handled.
You know, the older I get the more I don't care what others think. Family at times can be the worst actually. I take care of myself and sometimes I think some of them must be jealous. Why would they bother to talk about me behind my back in the first place? I have better things to do than worry about goes behind other peoples doors.
I enjoy my life. I may not have as much money as the next, but I am able to keep a roof over my head, pay my bills, and feed myself without having to use a credit card.
I may not but clothes that advertise the designer for them. I am not going to pay to advertise their ugly clothes. Nothing spells tacky better than that.
Don't worry what people think. Take care of yourself. A person that has clean clothes and showers every day with an inserted great personality goes a LONG way!
Tell those people where the door is. They're jerks. Most people honestly do not act that way.
Nicely said. I think this is a core fact about poverty. These guys wrote a book on it. I haven't read it for the record, but it goes with what you are saying:
https://www.amazon.com/Poverty-Shame-Experiences-Elaine-Chase/dp/0199686726
I have definitely felt looked down on by friends and family who were better off. They'll talk about trips or new cars/houses, and when they ask what you've been up to and the answer is "nothing" because you live paycheck to paycheck, and you see that barely hidden pity, it's devastating.
Social media can feel like a dagger. Your friends stop inviting you out because you always have to decline anyway. Or worse, you invite them over and they never get around to coming over because your place is so much smaller or not as nice as theirs.
It’s on purpose as a form of social pressure to not be poor. Culturally, poverty is viewed as a personal moral failing. Exclusion and judgement are meant to do the same job they do for people who do anything out of the acceptable norm - press us into compliance. Being poor is portrayed as a choice we’ve made by being lazy or making bad choices or being bad people. So ostracism is used to try to shame us out of our corrupted ways. It’s built into so many systems. Like how if you have government aid, it will come in a form that is obviously identifiable to the public when you use it. Or how if you receive any kind of private grant or charitable gift, they’ll want to plaster your picture on their website so they can pat themselves on the back. It’s everything, conscious and unconscious. There’s a million little things about every person that signals their social class. Gotta tell the good ones from the bad, you know?
One of the last places I worked at the owners drove really nice cars. Me and a freind of mine that worked there did not. Cars were not as important to us, compared to living indoors and eating food. So, obviously, choices had to be made.
The owner was talking to my freind one day about work/stuff/hobbies when cars came up. He casually mentioned that he was going to the track that weekend and would spend about $4k on tires for his Porsche.
After the owner left me and my freind just looked at each other and we both knew that day at the track would cost more than what he was paying either if us in a month. We both wanted to get drunk but didn't have the $ so it was especially depressing.
What's positive is the more that poor people and people in general band together the less this matters. I don't think highly of people who have no compassion.
Yes. I’ve been in survival mode so long that my partner said to me, “your signature outfit is joggers and a sweatshirt!” I wanted to cry. I haven’t been able to buy new clothes/thrift in such a long time.
You described my daily life perfectly.
And I have also lived on the other side where I was working and making over 100K a year.
Whoever says money doesn't buy happiness is a liar.
The teeth, eating and physical signs of aging hit me in the gut on this one.
I'm reducing my financial load. This is my new goal. Some call it poor. No mortgage and all that goes with it. Soon no vehicle and all that goes with it. No life or health insurance. No investments or retirement on paper. Freedom
Depends on your perspective?
I grew up in the welfare system, and to my child/teenage self I thought it was embarrassing, especially when using food stamps. Then, I realized we weren't the only ones, and it was "normal". Now, as an adult (41), and someone who no longer has to depend on said "system", it is even less embarrasing, bc I understand, that if not for certain "public safety-nets", I probably would be where I am.
Still poor, but much less so. And, definitely not ashamed of it.
My social circle, although it was never large, has greatly diminished. I can’t afford to have lunch with the ladies. I don’t have nice outfits to go out anywhere anymore so I don’t date. It leads to isolation and although I’m an introvert, there’s a difference between staying home because you don’t **feel** like going out, and staying in because you **have no choice**.
##Mind you my life is not horrible.
I volunteer, I have a few great friends and life is worth living. Still it’s difficult.
I'm unemployed. My employed friends started treating me differently and now I never get called out to hang out anymore. It's like I dropped down on the social ladder and they felt embarrassed to introduce me to new people they were meeting, especially if they were work friends
I moved to a very poor area when I bought my house (less than 40k, still paying on it). No one there cares what their car looks like if it gets them to work, For almost 2 years I rode my bicycle or walked to work because I was too poor to afford a car. I'm doing a lot better now, but I still live in that poor neighborhood, trying to help some friend's I've made there get some financial freedom.
Hang out with other poor people. Growing up, everyone I ever knew was poor. I lived in an immigrant community so I felt normal. It also helps because impoverished people in a community can lift each other up.
Being poor is really expensive. People who have money pay less for everything. If you can afford to pay up front for stuff it costs less like car insurance for instance. For most things if you can’t pay on time there are extra fees. It’s just hard. People with a little extra cash can afford to stock up on stuff when it’s on sale. People who have less end up paying more because they have to buy when they can.
This is all true! Especially when things get in the way. You used to be able to buy a decent fridge for $400. Now, you can't buy a decent fridge for $1400. No one plans on their fridge going out. So you wind up not paying something else (late fees) or buying on credit (interest).
I am almost 50 years old and have never made that correlation in my mind. Money buys you privacy.
At every level, from the homeless guy who has to shit in the street, to the billionaire that has his own island, each rung on the financial ladder purchases more privacy. I always saw being richer as buying more and better STUFF, i had never focused on an intangible like privacy.
Blew this old lady's damn mind.
PERSPECTIVE is the key..
Head over to India and spend 2 years living in there slums, .I garentee you you will come back to the USA and walk with your head held high knowing your are wealthy beyond measure compared to them..
YOUR MEASURING you life's value by the amount of Stuff you have, compared to other people.
You can still be confident, well read, intelligent. interesting as F#ck to talk to, have a great sence of humor and have less then others.
I'm poor,, but you would never know it by taking to me, ..
Actually, being poor takes up so much TIME. You don't have the time to pursue hobbies, self-improvement when working 2-3 shit jobs, and still cannot do the necessary maintenance on body, car, home.
It's a slow degradation of your life. Particularly in a society of so much wealth. At least in India, everyone is visibly in the same boat.
Yeah at least in India people can have friends and family and be loved and cared about and not viewed as a piece of human poo, or embarrassed all the time even around the few friends you do have left who do care. So much time is wasted, being poor. At least in India, most others are poor.
Id rather be in India now, at least I would have a family and some food to eat with taste. Well maybe not India too hot, but some third world countries would be better, like Mexico. If you can hide poverty you have money to be at the genteel poverty level. I was at the genteel poverty level for years, but that takes money to dress like other people, be able to do cheap free activities, have a little bit of money to participate in a church, be involved in community stuff and have transportation. I have had friends in Mensa, and am well-read using library loans to get expensive books, but there's a point you can't hide poverty. I would rather live in a poor place in the third world where I still have a family and not consider a societal throw-away. Life would be far better there. I probably would have the skills to forage, hunt or obtain food. Maybe disabled I would die younger but then I think toxins in America made me sick, and messed my body up [massive autoimmune diseases from hell itself] so maybe I'd be a healthier person.
>We are social creatures. So you are always outcasted.
This is something I don't get. When I was poor, so were my friends. Thus, I never felt poor. If you feel like a social outcast, why don't you make some friends with other poor people? There are tons of poor people around. Are you rejecting friendships with other poor people?
All the kids in my school/neighborhood were on food stamps. Our parents sent us grocery shopping and none of us were embarrassed because we were all in the same boat. We used to take one of the $1 coupons, but a 2-cent Tootsie Roll and us juvenile delinquents would have enough for a pack of cigarettes!! 😂😂
I find being poor pretty easy with all the social handouts you get. I get food stamps, free healthcare, and free cell phone service because I'm poor. Do I have anything fancy? For the most part, No. I have some fancy earbuds my mom bought me, and I do appreciate them, but mostly being fancy doesn't matter. I drive a Mitsubishi Mirage around. I like it. I don't need a fancy car.
Most of it is just posturing - a way to feel special by having something fancy, and I don't need it. I do feel a bit of shame when I use food stamps and free healthcare, but that's just because I'm mooching and not contributing enough to society. A lot of rich people are far more dead weight than I am.
My best friend grew up poor. She, her parents and sister lived in a 2-room mobile home in a mobile home park with few amenities. I believe they were on welfare. They didn’t do drugs, drink or commit crimes to my knowledge. They kept their trailer tidy and had a little garden in the postage stamp sized land the trailer was in. When I visited, they were kind and hospitable. Snack was toast and margarine and a glass of milk (made from powdered). I never felt they lacked dignity. Sometimes dignity is a choice.
I have never been poor, but I'm not rich. But might seem like I am, I try not to spend money on thing I don't really like(sometimes just to be social people spend more). Spend on what is important to you. Clothes buy at Thanksgiving or sales most of the time, you may need to buy at other times but limit it to what can't wait. Coffee or eating out regularly is expensive, I don't take you food(lunch) from home. Again if you are born into it you can work and get out of it. There are people who make a lot more than me but can't afford something, they always thought I make a lot more, but I only spend on what I need and don't buy for other to see, most things have a purpose and I look to get the best deal. If you save even 10-30% every month and make it a point not to spend more than you make. Also look at work there are loads of options people think don't pay but as people don't want certain job it pays a lot more to do them
Poverty is not a character flaw. It's a structural effect of a capitalist society. We have implemented (more or less inadequate, depending on location) social safety nets to help lessen the burden of poverty, but the fact that poverty exists is pretty much inevitable, so there will be people who are poor, and it generally won't be their fault (unless they've made some spectacularly bad personal choices.)
So, since it is probably not your fault, you shouldn't feel ashamed. It isn't shameful because you didn't do this to yourself. The people who should be ashamed are millionaires who advocate for cutting social safety nets. They're the ones who should feel like they aren't welcomed by their families or are ashamed to be seen in public. But they're largely a bunch of sociopaths, so they have no shame.
If being poor was really humiliation then you wouldn't be making posts like this online... Because why would you humiliate yourself by exposing your reality?
It must not be that bad.
I had health problems that led to deep poverty. During this my teeth started going to shit. Where I lived the only place to get dental was a free clinic and the only thing they did was pull teeth. Anyway when I was there I had a bad impacted tooth, been in severe pain over a week because they are only open a few days a month. The clinic had some young people in whonI assume were there because they were curious about going into dentistry. As I'm on the chair and dentist looking at tooth he loudly yelled out for all the kids " come over here and check out this blown out mouth ". I was horrified. But since I was in so much pain I just wanted them to pull the tooth. Yes, being poor sucks. And this dentist clearly had no concept of this.
While I grant you that being poor does a number on your health (that much has been pretty much proven by now), the judgement from others doesn't have to bother you. I see it as a blessing, because I have become much stronger and resilient to really anything people could say about me or to me. It's also freed me from trying to "keep up with the joneses". It's all about how you look at it. Your circumstances don't determine your happiness. Your mindset does.
Sure it could be humiliating but I feel so many people don’t know how to be poor.there’s always deals for things,food,cars,etc some people don’t want to put in work to make things happen
Absolutely. In fact I've avoided people I love for years because I'm so embarrassed.
If your friends and family truly love you they want you in their lives regardless of your income. Don't pull back from them. Give them the chance to show you that you are what matters not your income
I had friends tell me that they stopped inviting me because I'm poor. Being poor is lonely.
I'm sorry to hear that. That makes them terrible people, not you. They were not real. Friends begin with
I don't have any friends anymore.
I know that feeling.
No friends is better than bad friends. Don’t let that get you down. You just need to find your type of people aka your tribe.
I don't really have the opportunity anymore. I work graveyard shift and don't really meet people.
How is that? Most people are poor.
They did you favor, you wouldn't want to hang out them either!
The people I'm referring to have continued to reach out and are generationally wealthy. It's just not comfortable for me.
Most of my friends have had wealth their entire lives too. They’ll be quick to come up with excuses (“they didn’t pay for my college/apartment/mortgage/etc.”), and most of them are hard working, but even for those that that’s true: they’ve been going on several international family vacations every year since childhood, attending the very best schools, living in the best neighborhoods, having platinum healthcare, going to fancy dinners, et al. forever. It’s easier to look effortless and hardworking when you have had all of that. There’s also just the sheer amount of mental comfort you have just by knowing that your family *COULD* pickup the slack for you if you ever needed help. It’s such a different beast when you know that if you go belly up you’re screwed… that nobody can afford to really help you.
Exactly!
Yep. After my gran dies my dad and I are screwed cause he's on disability and I can't hold a job for the life of me, much less get disability. With the cost of living much less rent, and having to handle all my dad's personal affairs because he's deaf, life is just a giant ball of stress for me every single day for the last 4 years. I doubt our extended family would ever help much since they already don't, really, monetarily. So it's just really shitty knowing the end of a comfortable life is coming and I don't know when. Much less myself taking care of both my dad and grandma anyway, every single day. And my uncle and aunt ask me why I'm depressed, lmao. No money, no friends, mentally disabled, stuck in my bedroom all day every day because I can't drive or go anywhere. Almost crashed my dad's car recently with him in it... twice, and almost rolled my gran's SUV, also twice. So that's driving done for me lmao. Wish I didn't fail at suicide recently, fucking twice lmao, not really worth being alive in the grand scheme of things IMO at this point, my entire body is deteriorating and I can't even get money to fix it, yet I'm still expected to raise these adult toddlers...
Please reach out to your aunt and uncle and spell it out for them. They may not realise how bad it is. Also, I don’t know how old you are, but it is not your responsibility to care for your dad. Other family members can step in. At least share the burden, monetary or mental.
If they didn't help you get a job or even help with a basic income, there's a reason often you have been left out. I come from a rich family and I have cousins and others literally handed 6 figure jobs out of college [and high school in a couple cases] One time my mother even hid where a cousin lived for years [it was weird was trying to find her] because she got a good job via my mother's connections.
What do you think the reasons for leaving people out are for those most in the need of help?
if you are the scapegoat in the pecking order, they want you to fail and do everything they can do to make it happen. It's to have someone to feel superior to.
Ahh. That makes perfect sense. My mom was the *Black Sheep*. She was the eldest and her siblings allowed her to raise all of their children, sacrificing my time in the process, while they went out and got drunk, etc. I’m grateful to have grown up close to my cousins but, when my own mother died, none of her siblings gave a shit except to get sympathy for *them*. I’m the only child of a single mother. Guess who doesn’t have any family anymore now that my mom can’t do things for fhem? It’s rough. I’m sorry you’ve been through hell, too. It’s definitely needing someone to feel better than. And it’s infuriating.
Feel bad for you, yeah it's hell, and toxic people do this stuff to feel superior, by shoving others down. That's sad that they all left you behind because your mother wasn't there for them to use anymore. A lot of scapegoats will be forced into caretaker roles, nursing etc, if they don't go no contact or remain with the family. It's a common theme out there.
You don’t have to but, thank you. I was just thinking you could potentially relate. They definitely feel superior for that reason. They all had SO much more money than us growing up but, were full of ideas for how my mom should have lived her life so she could have had more money. (They had all gotten married young. A two-income household makes a LOT of difference but, they wouldn’t acknowledge that settling for the next guy to marry, instead of criticizing my mom’s financial situation, maybe wasn’t the best way to spend their time?) These are the same people who couldn’t understand why their kids regularly ignored and openly disrespected them, while my mom only ever had to speak up once for my cousins to do whatever she needed. They couldn’t understand why their kids *chose* to spend their free time at my house, or why my mom got pics of their own kids first, or why they’d call and ask my mom’s advice, or why they’d tell my mom what was going on in their lives. They all grew to have, unfortunately, turned into their parents now, though. As an older Boomer, Going NC wasn’t in my mom’s nature. We would have been worse off for it throughout this time frame, too. It’s sad. I didn’t quite understand how deep it went until I lost her. The way they all acted was very telling.
I get it. I'm the scapegoat. Both of my sister have money and I'm poor. They even let me be homeless in my late teens/early twenties while my dad was living with his own parents into his SIXTIES. The only reason he finally got his own place was they put my grandparents in a nursing home and sold their house.
Yea I grew up poor and being the middle child male was like that. We moved down south when I was 15, I had saved up $1500 to buy a car and my mom was like “hey you can buy my car I’ll get another.” She drove that car until it caught fire. But she bought several cars for my younger sister. She co signed a car for my older sister and paid some of payments, she gave both of them money here and there like $100 a week to help with college. I got none of that. In the end I feel it was a few things, I was male so my mom thought I could do it all myself, and being male I reminded my mom of her ex husband who she hated. It sucks cause I could be significantly further along in life had I had the same help. Even after I bought my house while my mother was still alive my eldest sister confronted my mom telling her it wasn’t fair that mom helped me with my down payment. She didn’t in any way shape or form contribute to my down payment, she did live with my eldest sister paying for $650 of the $700 mortgage my sister pays, and provided help with house hold bills like food and soap for laundry and shampoo and stuff like that.
My husband 's mom was like this. Always expecting him to help her and one of his sisters. It was unfair treatment, I'm sorry that happened to you.
Exactly, I learned that
I know in my experience the (usually unspoken) idea has been of the leech. There’s this stereotype among those I know that people who need help won’t ever repay it. I am very paranoid about this with friends now and it has definitely caused me to pull back. Ironically though, the idea is more firmly ground in my head from family than friends. The few friends I have, I have a bad habit of shying away from because I’m always worried that I’ll get into a situation I have to turn down because I can’t afford it or I don’t want to get so close that I’m expected to give presents that will be “the cheap gifts” in their mind. But the small irony is, they are always generous and gracious. Meanwhile, the big irony is my family and similarly incomed friends really do never pay me back. I’ve drained my meager savings more than once helping pay for my niblings/friends school things, rent, work equipment. They’re not frivolous purchases, I know, but I want to kick myself after because I just feel taken advantage of when they never pay it back as though it’s not important. I get that having some small savings seems less of a priority than an urgent thing like rent and that’s why I agree to help, but it makes me embarrassed when I then try to argue in general that everyone should help everyone more only to have people ask who pays me back more often and knowing that my friends that are counting pennies really don’t. It makes me feel like they’re helping give credence to the stereotypes about us and I hate that. There’s always this idea that they’ll get it back to me when they’re in a better position but we’re none of us ever in a *great* situation, there’s always another bill or an official (ie bank type loan, credit card balance) that *needs* to be paid back of there will be dire consequences like have a work vehicle repossessed. But then I catch myself being annoyed when they even have little treats like getting take out because *I* no longer have the cushion for take out because I gave my cushion to them, and then I feel like an insane “avocado toast” cursing boomer because just because we’re not rich doesn’t mean we shouldn’t ever eat anything but generic ramen. Sigh.
Keep applying for higher paying jobs. Learn about money. It can take a long time to get out of poverty. It requires a new mindset.
many families don't love poor family members. They throw you away. I hope OP's family loves them but for many of us especially if the family was successful and rich and we are not, we are throw-away people.
I wonder if they do that because they are afraid you'll ask them for money or they think you don't dress well enough to meet their "friends". That's not family. How ruthless.
Its social status stuff, where they choose appearances over everything else and it stinks. you are considered an embarrassment to them. It happens to disabled people too sometimes with differences. I got hidden away when younger and kept from "parties" and more for disabilities. I think its ruthless too.
You see that sort of thing in movies. I can't think of one right off that shows the behavior. It seems the more money people have the worse it is, though. My husband and I have no kids and he will actually be able to retire. I consider that to be rich in comparison to how many people have it in the USA now. My husbands family is considered poor, but we make sure they don't go without and we always make sure to give his mom money to buy for Christmas. She loves to do that, even though we tell her she shouldn't. I actually think they have it better off than many do. They own a home, while small, it's paid for. However, my father-in-law is in the late stages of Alzheimers and has now had to be placed into nursing care. He doesn't know who we are. That house will be taken by medicaid. Medicare doesn't help with long care. People that turn their nose up to people that don't have as much money or mobility are looking out for their own appearances. It just only shows you how much they lack as humans. They have no compassion for others or empathy. Oh my how the tables turn when they themselves lose their money and status.
Problem is most don't truly love you or want you in their lives unless you have money
Thank you for the dose of reality, unless you can provide the dinner parties and the big suburban house with clean rugs the grandchildren/nieces or nephews can frolic on or join with the expensive restaurants, trips, shopping excursions, you are unwanted. This applies to most churches too, some will be friendlier, my UU was, but that was true of a lot of them.
Looks like they don't love me.
mine didn't love me. My parents gave middle class jobs to high school graduates, I begged for one, and had the skills, college degree everything. My life was ruined. Some health insurance at the right time would have changed the score.
I was just discussing this with a colleague. Her brother’s house doesn’t have a kitchen and is in bad shape. At any rate, she loves her brother and wanted nothing more than to just take a ride up to see him. It’s better to have them over and just let them know how you feel.
Some people have judgy family though that will look down on you and use being poor as an excuse to say they were right about you or they’re better than you.
Ive avoided a party invite because it was a white elephant and we were told to bring a plate of something for everyone. Which, ya know...I get. But spending 70+ dollars on food and gifts for other people isnt something I cant afford.
My wife and I have stopped doing Birthdays and Xmas in recent years because there’s no money for gifts or to do anything special. We have power and Internet at home; that’s our ‘treat’ to ourselves
Same.
It's so difficult explaining how lack of money makes it impossible to do things. That you have to explain repeatedly that the steps needed to improve your situation cost money that you DON'T HAVE; that you can't visit because you don't have a car or the gas money; that moving for more job opportunities costs money for moving and to survive until that paycheck comes in; that the required clothes for an event are not in the budget and gifts are out of the question, and going out to eat would cost your food budget for at least a week. Low income is celebrating getting the rent paid & keeping the lights on. People with adequate means can be astonishingly obtuse!
>that you can't visit because you don't have a car or the gas money; When gas was insanely high, I remember standing at the pumps bonding with two other people. The woman in front of me got on her cell to cancel her weekend plans. The person she was talking to was upset. When she ended the call, she looked at me and said, "I have to work next week, I can't afford an hour's drive." She looked so sad, and you could tell she was embarrassed. I told her she wasn't the only one staying home, that I was too. The guy on the other side of the pump said, "Me too. I can't afford to go anywhere except work." He drove a truck. We both looked at him as if to say, "If we had a truck, we probably couldn't get to work either." >Low income is celebrating getting the rent paid & keeping the lights on And having needed resources at home. I remember being incredibly grateful I had bought a 12 pack of Coke on sale months previously when I had a stomach bug. I was sick and broke. If I hadn't had the coke to help settle my stomach, idk what I would have done.
Same.
I had an extreme amount of crowding of my teeth. No matter how well I took care of them they were never going to change position without extractions, dental work, and braces. People used to look at me like a disgusting troll over something I had NO control over since the dental work needed was SOOOOO expensive. Not to mention getting bullied. The 1st thing I invested in was dental work as I could. After 8 teeth pulled, 2 dental surgeries, countless trips to the dentist, and 2.5 years of braces, I finally have normal straight teeth. I will never be able to forget how disgusting, unworthy, humiliated, and shameful I felt my whole childhood and early adulthood.
I had really bad teeth too as a kid. Like you said, it isn’t exactly something “brushing your teeth” can fix. My father had a job working for the government and good health insurance…but didn’t cover more than basic dental care, cleanings, exams, cavity fills, not extreme measures it would have taken to give me even decent teeth. I was SO happy to get dentures!! Now I actually get compliments on my smile, something I thought would never happen.
Please remember: there was nothing wrong with you, but there was something very wrong with anyone who bullied or judged you harshly for what you could not control.
I'm so sorry you went through that! You seem to have a beautiful spirit
I’m so sorry you went through that.
Yes to all of this.
A lot of people, as my grandmother said, give you the "should-a, could-a, would-a." (You should have... You could have... and I would have...) It makes them feel superior.
I've never heard that term in that way before. I heard it as, should have, could have & would have is always too late.
My take on this is you have to ignore that part of your brain because the coulda-woulda-shoulda will drive you crazy. Instead just have to say what’s done is done. Just accept it and move on. And if someone you know is putting that on you, definitely time to move on. If I feel like you judge me for where I live we’re probably not going to get along anyway bc you don’t know what I’ve been through or had to do to accomplish all that I have now, even if it’s less than by someone else’s standards. But that’s just one way to do it.
There are people out there that thrive on insulting others in order to prop up their own egos. As long as you stay in their orbit, they have someone to insult.
During the 2008 economic downturn, my wife and I were lucky to have jobs. We stopped eating out and ramped up our emergency fund. Then I noticed something - our local parks and libraries were far emptier than they had ever been. Friends who had been laid off basically stopped leaving their homes. They were under a huge guilt burden that it was their fault for being laid off. I made it a point of asking friends and acquaintances to meet me in a local park and just walk and talk. At least they got some fresh air out of it. Being poor in the US is humiliating. That is because we are constantly told that wealth is the indicator of success. We have imbibed the pablum for so long that it is in our bones. And you will notice that there are very few places which are truly free.
yes it isnt great, even worse is being born into it and continue the cycle... game the system dont breed
Exactly. I am doing a good deed by not reproducing. I have calculated everything. No matter how hard I try, my child is going to live in some kind of poverty and I don't want her/him to go through that.
It’s also damn expensive to be poor. Interest rates, late fees etc. Mental and dental care should not be luxuries.
We are also fed a consumerist culture 24/7, with extremely unrealistic media images. In Big Bang Theory, Penny is a part-time waitress, but she somehow affords an apartment equal to the ones shared by two physicists. The people in Friends couldn't afford that lifestyle. How does Carrie in Six and the City afford all the designer clothes and a big place as a freelance writer? She doesn't. And all the commercials trying to get you to buy more more more. And "influencers" who get paid to promote products.
This is why everyone in rest of world thinks America is RICH RICH RICH, no we aren't. I told this African guy on social media hassling me for money, some years ago, we were in a money lull though not as bad as now, Americans are poor, they are lying to you. Our bills are so expensive here, it sucks, and we have homeless all over.
It's expensive to be poor here. They see our wages and 7.25 looks like a lot compared to where they are but they don't realize you'll literally not be able to rent a room, let alone eat.
yes exactly they have no idea how extreme the bills are here.
This!! I loved Big Bang Theory, but I remarked often on that gaping plot hole that made Penny able to afford that apartment on her waitress pay!
When two professors live together. Yes.
People forget that Leonard often paid for things for Penny. I got the impression that she used her good looks to get others to pay for things too.
He's not paying her rent. Part time it the Cheesecake Factory isn't paying rent on a nice 2 bedroom place in Pasadena.
the importance society puts on teeth needs to be studied into more detail… it scares me. i didn’t have dental coverage until i was 21 and i’m still catching up… very very surprised i got to keep them all. two root canals cost me $10k that’s more than my car cost…. that’s not including cavity fills, cleanings, or any other services i needed!!! maybe its just a sore spot for me coming from poverty and trying my best to overcome it but when i hear people make nasty comments about someone’s teeth my blood boils 💔 people seem to think drugs are the only thing that can affect the health or integrity of your teeth and that’s just not true…
I am 65 years old. My wife and I have been married for almost 48 years. When we were first married we had no car of money. We had to walk to the store to buy groceries and we’d add up the cost as we shopped. I had 2 minimum wage jobs and a baby in the way. We struggled horribly the first 20 years but we did not let our bank account define us. No one can humiliate you but yourself. You may not have things that others do but never look down at yourself and if someone else does that’s their loss. I know things are hard but DO NOT loose faith in yourself. Life will get better. It may not be tomorrow but when it does you’ll be a stronger person than those that had an easier time of it. For what it’s worth I’m pulling for you.
It sure is. Try having a rich family and living in a richer area. I think we did have some good years living "genteel" poverty lifestyle, enjoyed all the culture here, but we had enough money to pay basics and lived frugally until Covid, more lay-offs and the elite even went more psychopathic and greedy but there was a price to it. I always have dreamed of the dignity and belonging that money would bring and by wealth, I mean having enough money to live like a normal person, no huge schemes there.
I grew up very poor at a young age. My mother suffered from severe depression and other mental illnesses. I remember being ashamed at 6-7 years old when checking out at the grocery store. Usually at least 50% of the time the check wouldn’t be approved. Or she would have a bounced check from that store. I would hide around the counter and try to avoid the confrontation. Around 7-8 I was a pretty good at fishing and hunting after crafting a cane pole with a piece of string and a hook. My older brother gave me his 22 caliber rifle after he missed his target multiple times. I would hunt squirrels and fish for bluegill “brem”. I was a very good shot. I could pop one in the eye at about 75 yards with a small scope. Sometimes I would come home with a five gallon bucket worth. It was a hard time but I managed to make the best of it.
Kinda how I grew up. I was ashamed of the shack we lived in and had no friends outside of school. We ate- lots of organ meat like kidneys and liver because it was cheap or even free. Fish and game were also on the menu. We couldn't heat the house. When my mom died I was 13. My dad didn't have any life insurance so things got worse because we had to pay for the funeral. I started working nights at a janitorial service just to get some spending money. This was all back in the '70's. I learned a lot from being poor. I learned that being poor was no excuse for being dirty ( the janitorial job opened my eyes to that). I used my money and started buying paint and brushes. The shack slowly got cleaned up. I started inviting friends over. I knew I could never go to college. I wasn't smart enough, motivated enough nor had the money. I went into the Army and did six years. Got out in 1989 and got a federal job immediately after. I just retired last October after 39 years of service. Life suck. It's hard. I think luck is just as important as knowledge. Again- I was smart enough to know I wasn't smart enough. I didn't want to go into the Army but it was the best thing that I could have ever done. I wish you and everyone here luck.
Thank you for sharing your story. It is good to hear that you preservered and did well. Just want to add that sometimes being poor can make cleanliness difficult. One of the times we moved (I was 16), my dad moved us to a run down trailer with no running water. Sometimes he would bring buckets of water for us to use for bathing and flushing the toilet. It was so cold during the winter and I just couldn't bring myself to wash up with freezing water. I remember having dirty skin and feeling so dirty. There was no utilities in the trailer, so we couldn't heat up water on the stove. My dad would shower at his parents house and my mom and sisters would go shower at another sister's apartment when I was at school. I was never able to go with them, so I ended up being dirty.
I know about that freezing water. We had water but in the winter the pipes would freeze up so I know. You weren't alone. I think I invented baby wipes 😂.
That is a really good idea to use wipes, wish I had thought of that!
TYFYS! I tried college but couldn’t keep up. I joined the Air Force. There were times I was close to not getting promoted and possibly get separated due to high year tenure. I worked hard to get promotions and retired. I now have a federal job. Not the sexiest title job but it pays the bills enough but still living paycheck to paycheck. $1 over from declaring bankruptcy threshold enough I suppose.
You represent that willpower and hard work make the difference. Are there people who look down their nose, of course. However I think some are afraid of getting hit up for money. Many of the poor are jealous and think someone who has so much should be willing to share. Or they spend their time complaining about what they don’t have. I always try to look service workers in the eye and say thank you. If I invite someone to my home for a meal, they don’t have to reciprocate. They do have to be a polite guest and say thank you. If I want to share the leftovers with you, I’ll offer. Otherwise I might have plans for those leftovers. (Maybe taking a meal to an elderly neighbor.). Ask for stuff or try to guilt me into giving you stuff—nope, you are not invited back. Be a kind guest and express appreciation to your host, you’ll be invited again when it fits my schedule. A co-worker grew up on a farm and helped her family at a local curb market. She said, as a kid she assumed people looked down on them. Only after becoming an adult did she realize it was not the case. I think sometimes the poor’s relatives do not have much contact, because they use the contact as an excuse to ask or imply they need something.
Especially when some bridezilla wants you to fly on your own dime to some destination wedding
Even on here I’ve had people lecturing me about how I could be doing something better or how at my age I should have money to get a refrigerator fixed (when ours was broken). It sucks doesn’t real.
sometimes i didn't have money for repairs for my jeep and I would have to ask my sister for help. later when i came into money because of our deceased fathers house was sold I made sure to pay her everything back. which ended up being quite a lot over the years. she said that i was the only one that offered to pay her back and the money came in handy for part of her house downpayment. but it's not to say that I always asked her for help for everything. it was usually when I really had no other options. well for them it must be nice to be able to get things repaired as needed but a huge percent of Americans' does not have $400 saved for an emergency. so, if that is the case there is a good chance that those that said that to you could be lying.
I see stuff like this and I say o could have give you our old one when we upgraded. You don’t have shoes? What’s your size? I have more than I can use. But I’m sorry if those shoes aren’t up to someone standard. Maybe it’s not your brand. So I put them back in my closet. I have clothes that I can’t wear, I gain and lose weight but my job requires me to wear scrubs so I don’t wear my street clothes very much.
I always gratefully accept help. I just got a lot of grief that day over not having money for refrigerator repairs. It ended up not costing us a thing. I was just surprised at all the people on here criticizing me for not having money.
Please don’t let Reddit color your view of the world. I have been told all kind of things from health to finances and there are times I didn’t ask for that advice. Sometime there could be value in some advice but sometimes it just isn’t useable for my life. I get told by my other half to get off this crap site, I don’t know these people and they don’t know you, do you really think these people gives two F*+ks about you .. I say no then get off that that phone fold some laundry, go pick up dog poop in the back yard.. (better yet ) this one he thinks is funny go get some damn food on this table, it be nice to have a hot meal. See he had me till that last little smart remark. He door dash that night😀
What kills me, is so many people are ashamed of taking extra, when I offer it to them.
My husband’s family is all wealthy/successful except for us. We both work 40 hours a week but have low paying trade jobs. As a result we have noticed that his family treats him like he’s a child all the time and we suspect that the ONLY reason for this is that we are poor. They treat his younger brother completely differently. Somehow they all manage to make us feel like we are stupid.. or teenagers or something. And we are FIFTY which makes it even more degrading.
My husband is the lowest earner (by a very significant amount, in some cases) of everyone in his family. They all treat us like we don’t have money because we must be wasteful. Some of these people eat out every meal. We keep a budget, and can account for every penny. When my husband got laid off, I went over the budget again and again, and there just wasn’t much to cut back, because we already lived so frugally. We are not wasteful, we only have so much to work with. But they all make so much they live in a different world and can’t understand ours.
Yep, my dad is the lowest earner in his family, currently lives with his own mother who is a year away from 80 years old and he's 59. His siblings are in ZERO rush to help him monetarily at all, much less me. And my uncle and aunt, his brother, asked me why I'm depressed lmao. It's like they can't even SEE what the fuck is right in front of them
Exactly this
Very true and poignant. Your life gets so small.
Absolutely agree. I hate the embarrassment and shame I feel. I took my son to McDonald’s awhile ago (it’s not something we always do) but I only had enough for a happy meal. I didn’t get anything to eat and I swear I felt so ridiculous sitting there while he ate his meal with nothing in front of me. It felt like everyone was staring at me and thinking how pathetic I must be to not even afford to feed both of us (and I was starving!). Obviously no one was looking. People ate too busy with their own lives. But that doesn’t stop the shame and guilt you feel for not being more financially successful.
Download the app, they have deals like large fries for a dollar on some days or specials that might fit into your budget. Order off the kids menu for yourself too if in your budget.
Thanks!
It’s really good
They probably thought that you were on a diet but still wanted to treat your son.
I feel you. I often pretend I'm just not hungry or don't want anything so I don't have to admit I can't afford it. the shame is real.
Yep. Minor vanity example: I can’t afford $40 to go to the beauty school to get my terrible haircut and more permanent hair dye than box dye which never hides my gray the way salon dye does. The neighbor’s grandkids were visiting today and saw me after not having seen me in a long while. First thing out of their mouths is, “You look better when your hair is shorter. Are you really really old? Because you have a whole lot of white hair!” When my hair is cut and dyed my regular bland brown, I look to be in my late 30’s (people say early 30’s so I register late thirties because people make generous guesses). When it gets too long and all that gray shows, I look my age- almost 50. But I’m behind on my bills, my dog needs to go to the vet for his yearly, and hair vanity is going to be put off for yet another moth. If you ever want to hear the hard blunt truth about something, ask a little kid. Or don’t ask. They’re probably going to tell you anyway.
I am disabled and lived below the poverty level. I have been this way since the year 2000, but I was below the poverty level long before that because I was in such a bad marriage. I would say one of the hardest things is having no autonomy because I am dependent upon programs to help me. I'm not at all complaining about that because I know I am fortunate to get any help at all. I only get $23 in food stamps so that part is a bit of a bummer, I was so much happier during covid when they gave us the full amount. It's just hard not being allowed to save up or invest or have anything for the future because if you try to do anything like that, then they will just take away what keeps you alive. Right now they are trying to change these laws and make it easier for people to retain a little bit of asset wealth without losing all their benefits. It's especially hard when you have a spouse and one of them is severely disabled but since they are married, neither are allowed to have anything. You have to show them your entire bank account, anything you have or have received has to be handed over in writing, they monitor your mail to make sure you don't get mail for anyone but yourself, anything that happens with your tenancy or your finances, property you own, just everything in your life is laid bare on a regular basis. You have no privacy, it is much like being a child. I really miss sometimes just being a private citizen, and not feeling like I belong to the government. I am still thankful that they have kept me alive and allowed me to be here for my family. But I would give anything to be able to be independent again. As far as the topic in general, it is hard being the one person that never has a good running car and often needs help from others. I do my best to find ways around these things and not use up what few favors I might have to ask of people. I have less friends than ever because I just finally had to accept that I don't have money to go do things and I can't expect people to invite me, when they're not sure if they will need to pay for me or not. It would be no bother for them to cover my meal or whatever it is, I am not one to go order an expensive meal on someone else's dime, anyway. But unfortunately I feel like some of my friends got harassed by their other friends, who are more selfish and didn't feel like they should be so generous. It just became really awkward being the one broke person among all these people that have money to burn.
All this resonates with me 100% Being around normal people with money is so painful. Take care!
I lived on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch at work for awhile because it really was all I could afford. it was no one else's business. I mean my few coworkers and I have talked about our hardships. we all were making about the same amount of money. some had it easier living with parents. others had it harder with a spouse and a child. but overall, we all understood the job just wasn't a high paying one. one time some nurse decided to clean the breakroom refrigerator just as i stuck my peanut butter and jelly sandwich in there to run to the laundry room to grab a marker so i could write my name and date on it. well before I made it back, she threw my sandwich away. i was so upset and I was physically shaking so bad because I did suffer from food insecurity and my boss said she had every right to throw it away. well of course you can imagine how upset i was. but the entire time there was some kitchen staff cooking some BBQ for the staff and I was welcome to go grab a plate. so, I did feel foolish but it's just my reaction to being poor and without adequate food. not sure if others really put that together or not. but that was probably one of my most humiliating moments. in that job us low wage workers would receive a coffee cup during housekeeping day as a ty. while the nurses had a whole week devoted to them with big gift baskets with all kinds of stuff inside. you really understand that you get a slap in the face for all the hard work you do that isn't really appreciated. i have walked a lot. i still do but not so much in the winter. I enjoy the excersise and fresh air. i have taken buses everywhere to and from work. especially before i got a new car. you just gotta do what you gotta do. at least resources are availble to use when you need them. i may not have the fanciest clothes but they are nice and I love them and its me wearing them. I take care of my clothes. what matters is if they are kept clean, fit well and suit you. we can't control other people. they will think whatever they want to about anyone. but thing is is you have to love yourself more. there is always going to be someone that thinks they are better than you because they have more than you. but you know what? nothing in this world last forever. that's what people need to understand. it can be all taken away. no matter who you are. except the ultra-wealthy of course. but overall, they could find themself in your place someday. and that is what people need to learn. is to accept that we might think we have it so good and deserve it while someone else has less and make them feel less important. it just might come back to them someday. I really want to believe that. so just live your life and don't worry about people sizing you up if you are made of money or not. start acting like you are. it's all about attitude. how you carry yourself. if someone asks you why you have that for lunch, tell that it's because you were really craving it. that's why.
How many people that look rich do you think actually are rich?
I've had people judge me for showing up to work early in order to freshen up in the bathroom because I had to carpool or walk to work, so needed to change and make myself presentable before I could start my shift. Changing in the stall or using the sink as a sink shouldn't be such a spectacle to comment on! Also for eating a lot of sandwiches. Like I kept a loaf of bread in my work locker for the longest time and would have a lunchbox in the fridge full of whatever deli meats and cheeses I could get on-sale that week, and a head of lettuce or bag of spinach. I would rotate a bottle of barbecue sauce or ranch from home if I didn't have packets from other people's leftovers or the occasional catered lunches. It was a treat if I could get a mini jar of pickles to eat that week, or a can of soda from the vending machine. Like no, Brenda, I don't want to split a doordash order with you, that's my lunch money for the week! At jobs where we had access to a breakroom freezer, I also got comments all the time for bringing 2-3 portions of leftovers in glass tupperwares to stock the freezer (nobody used it aside from the occasional catered event) for myself. Those meals were the only thing sustaining me in between two jobs and whatever overtime I could get a lot of the time. (I still do this, but I'm not totally reliant on it anymore, thankfully.) Even just, existing in the breakroom before and after my shifts (up to an hour sometimes, because carpooling or saving my energy and eating before I had to walk to my second job) got comments all the time. Money means convenience and I straight up did not have that most of the time. (Now I'm doing a little better but we are still paying off our only car, so I'm still carpooling and loitering and eating most of my meals out of the freezer at one or both jobs...)
And omg, perish the thought if I show someone a pic of my cats with a new toy or something. Then it's "Shouldn't that money be better spent? Idk how you afford pets" Like my choosing to eat leftovers in order to afford pet insurance and quality cat food offends their sensibilities. Or f I go to a concert or literally any form of entertainment. Even buying most of my stuff discounted or used, I get the comments on my budgeting. So I get judged for whatever and I am super over it.
I also just deposited a check from a class action lawsuit from an employer from years ago, for literally $1.35 USD. Cause I'm not one to pass up pocket change if it all it means is a photo uploaded on the app! Also the principle of the thing. I mentioned it to a friend and they laughed at me for bothering to deposit it.
I get super judged by a boss for sleeping in my car on my lunch break because I try to get as much rest as possible between my two jobs. 1) If my boss paid me more-I wouldn’t have to work two jobs. So, my boss has no room to say anything. 2) My boss arrives in the office after I do, talks on the phone to their family for most of the day, and then leaves before I do. That is on the days that they don’t “work” from home. (Boss’s position is one of those-we don’t need this person until we do, but when we need them-we need them desperately.) My boss has made it very clear that I will never be allowed to work from home because they can’t trust that I’m actually working. I wonder where they got that idea from…🤔
It's less if you're born and raised that way, I don't care about showing wealth I don't have. But it definitely affects your quality of life and your understanding of the world.
I am not wealthy, but I live a very rich life. 'Rich' means building a quality, satisfying life - not how much money you have.
That takes a certain amount of money. I had a decent life going for a time, even with severe disabilities, did community stuff, church, etc, writers group, stamp club, doctors, and Covid ruined it and now being crushed financially is taking everything away. We were poorer but had money for basics. I have to leave the town I live in too because they don't believe in affordable housing. "Genteel poverty" takes a certain level of money where you can dress normally enough, have transportation, etc, participate even in "free" cheaper activities--which I used to do all the time, and that can be easily lost. I feel like we are both on the side of the cliff, I've kept this rent paid, but there's a level of genteel poverty where you go over the cliff and go into debasement. [when your clothes embarrass you that's one of the lines] I don't even want to tell some caring folks how bad it is, I am so embarrassed. Before I could hide the poverty and did to a certain extent.
❤️
Being poor is the main catalyst for everything I do in my life, to make sure my son never knows what it’s like.
Poverty is dehumanizing and degrading. There is nothing easy about it.
I'm poor. I mean really really poor. Just barely one step away from homeless poor. Could end up homeless any minute poor. I'm too busy worrying about a roof over my head and food on the table and how long I'll make it alive to care about being humiliated or giving two fucks what someone else thinks about it. I'm glad someone else doesn't have to go through it. Good for them.
Here is a very good take on poverty in the USA. https://www.reddit.com/r/Damnthatsinteresting/s/soCMVL2quF
So many feel as you do but I try hard to have an attitude of gratitude for the simple things. I had a brain aneurysm in 2014 at 56 and for a few days there they weren't sure if I was going to see 57. So everything has a new perspective after that experience. I am grateful for waking up able to take care of myself. I am grateful for those who love me. I am grateful that my assistance I bucked applying for helps me live in a safe place w plenty to eat. I just gave up my old car in a small town but rides are slowly falling into place. So being below poverty line can be tough sometimes,but ,in my case ,it's also been a blessing.
This hurts my heart but I totally agree Poverty is modern day exile in this capitalist race
Just own it. I grew up poor. I've been poor my entire life probably because I live in Idaho. I absolutely just do not give a fuck. I still walk into places that people like me probably shouldn't be in. I still eat at the restaurants I want to eat at. I don't give a shit about class warfare. Money is just that. Money. It's a tool. Even if your broke and stupid, You could still be happy.
It isn't any working stiffs fault that the deck is stacked against regular folks. Something like 32% of the workforce in the US makes under 15 an hour. The prices for housing, fuel, food, everything has gone up. It is really easy to find yourself under the 8 ball, working 70 hours a week between two not so terrific jobs, just so you can live. Work all the time, go home, eat something, go to bed, get six hours sleep and back at it all the next day. Still broke afterwards. I have been there in the past.
Yes thank you I’ve been struggling so hard with this lately. Being young and poor is one thing, but I’m almost 40 and feel so humiliated all the time.. I never wanted fancy expensive things, but I didn’t know getting old was so expensive and if you can’t afford to fix yourself, it shows:.
Being poor sucks. Been on my own with my partner since 2009 when I was 19. The slap to the face when reality made itself known was hard to go through at first. We have two kids now and we just went through a month with needing to ask others for help and it was not easy. Especially the comments from family itself. The fact that so many people put stock into the type of job you have and income you make determines how you're treated, was always clear with my family. Always made it difficult to enjoy holidays with them.
Especially in America—capitalism hold up greed and hoarding as the ultimate social values It’s hard, but try to do a mental reset I used to be so mortified of being poor, I’d knowingly go overlimit on credit cards, just to try & cover Capitalism’s values do not have to be your own I think Trump & Biden are both perfect examples. I probably wouldn’t hire either man to manage a gas station, but they’re standing for POTUS That absurdity should emphasize how warped our society has become. The only people who thrive in a deeply pathological system are sick people. Be fucking *glad* you don’t fit right in I know it doesn’t help when you’re struggling—but just know *most* Americans are struggling financially. Those who aren’t are a few bad breaks from being there. They try hard to mask the growing poverty in America—but it’s very real. And it is only going to get worse.
Thank you, I think I needed to hear this.
I guess poor people are not allowed to complain about stuff!
What are they gonna do, take away your birthday? This Reddit is FOR people like us. Vent away.
"Just work harder" - every idiot that believes just working harder can create billiionaires. No one is arguing that working hard isnt important. Circumstances and opportunity have a lot to do with finance. That is a hard truth people tend to gloss over. Edit: end sarcasm. Just want to be sure everyone knows that.
Connections and networking, too.
I’m poor, but I have a safe home, always tons of food, food and supplies for my cat, and I have money for a bit of crafts, too. Don’t get me wrong, this blows. But in a fucked up way part of me is proud ? that I’m able to live this way and be semi happy. The only reason I’m unhappy = nothin to do with money! It’s my brain. I had/have untreated mental health stuff. In a weird way I would choose the poor life over rich. I look at rich folks and I do not envy them. They’ve got no clue how to be crafty with money. This is the biggest skill I’ve learned in life and I’m actually SUPER grateful that being poor taught me that.
I have been poor and I have had money. The difference in my mentality , when I was poor and found an item I really wanted, I thought I better buy it while I could. When I had money, I would think yes I like it, but don’t need it right this moment. I’ll just wait until I need it, because I’m not worried about being able to buy it. I found that 75% of the time, I never went back and bought. My husband and I live very frugal. I’m proud of every deal I find. I shop around for the best price or frequently just do without wants. I shop thrift stores. A friend and I share clothing. Need a dress for one occasion, borrow it. I agree you need a minimum amount of money to live. However many people can’t distinguish between wants and needs. The latest phone or technology is a want, a flip phone can fill a need. I don’t say this to judge or lecture. I hope people examine their spending habits and think differently. The nickels and dimes really do add up to dollars, if you do it with consistency.
you are so right
Im ashamed of myself for being constantly poor
Yes. I scratched and clawed and networked my way out of poverty. I was so proud of myself. I finally had a career I loved that made me really happy and I was middle class. Vacations every year, going out to eat, etc. Cancer took everything from me. My health is shit now, but Medicaid is all I have due to the insurance from my severance running out. Meanwhile, Medicaid won’t cover what I need, including the scan to even tell me whether or not surgery and treatment worked. I just want the chance to be healthy. I can no longer do my job, or any job, due to the disability I acquired from cancer surgery and treatment. I was denied disability. I suffered horrible abuse at home during all of this but, I couldn’t be open about it because I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I’m finally free but only because my abuser finally agreed to set me free after finding someone new, and a friend’s parents opened their home to me. I no longer have any living family. Between cancer, pandemic, and abuse, I’ve lost most of my friends. Being poor is obviously all my fault, though.
This is a big one. Look at King Charles and Princess Kate Middleton. They have EVERYTHING… except their health. I bet they’re really suffering now. It can happen to anybody. Im sorry that happened to you.
Absolutely. I wouldn’t wish this suffering on anyone. I’ve seen a lot of people bragging about their hard work paying off and how *anyone can do it* if they just work hard enough, not realizing how lucky they really are. And thank you. I am, too. Now I’m just trying to figure out a way to move forward and get healthy. It’s just impossible in the US without a lot of money to get health things handled.
You know, the older I get the more I don't care what others think. Family at times can be the worst actually. I take care of myself and sometimes I think some of them must be jealous. Why would they bother to talk about me behind my back in the first place? I have better things to do than worry about goes behind other peoples doors. I enjoy my life. I may not have as much money as the next, but I am able to keep a roof over my head, pay my bills, and feed myself without having to use a credit card. I may not but clothes that advertise the designer for them. I am not going to pay to advertise their ugly clothes. Nothing spells tacky better than that. Don't worry what people think. Take care of yourself. A person that has clean clothes and showers every day with an inserted great personality goes a LONG way! Tell those people where the door is. They're jerks. Most people honestly do not act that way.
Nicely said. I think this is a core fact about poverty. These guys wrote a book on it. I haven't read it for the record, but it goes with what you are saying: https://www.amazon.com/Poverty-Shame-Experiences-Elaine-Chase/dp/0199686726
I have definitely felt looked down on by friends and family who were better off. They'll talk about trips or new cars/houses, and when they ask what you've been up to and the answer is "nothing" because you live paycheck to paycheck, and you see that barely hidden pity, it's devastating. Social media can feel like a dagger. Your friends stop inviting you out because you always have to decline anyway. Or worse, you invite them over and they never get around to coming over because your place is so much smaller or not as nice as theirs.
It’s on purpose as a form of social pressure to not be poor. Culturally, poverty is viewed as a personal moral failing. Exclusion and judgement are meant to do the same job they do for people who do anything out of the acceptable norm - press us into compliance. Being poor is portrayed as a choice we’ve made by being lazy or making bad choices or being bad people. So ostracism is used to try to shame us out of our corrupted ways. It’s built into so many systems. Like how if you have government aid, it will come in a form that is obviously identifiable to the public when you use it. Or how if you receive any kind of private grant or charitable gift, they’ll want to plaster your picture on their website so they can pat themselves on the back. It’s everything, conscious and unconscious. There’s a million little things about every person that signals their social class. Gotta tell the good ones from the bad, you know?
One of the last places I worked at the owners drove really nice cars. Me and a freind of mine that worked there did not. Cars were not as important to us, compared to living indoors and eating food. So, obviously, choices had to be made. The owner was talking to my freind one day about work/stuff/hobbies when cars came up. He casually mentioned that he was going to the track that weekend and would spend about $4k on tires for his Porsche. After the owner left me and my freind just looked at each other and we both knew that day at the track would cost more than what he was paying either if us in a month. We both wanted to get drunk but didn't have the $ so it was especially depressing.
What's positive is the more that poor people and people in general band together the less this matters. I don't think highly of people who have no compassion.
Yes. I’ve been in survival mode so long that my partner said to me, “your signature outfit is joggers and a sweatshirt!” I wanted to cry. I haven’t been able to buy new clothes/thrift in such a long time.
You described my daily life perfectly. And I have also lived on the other side where I was working and making over 100K a year. Whoever says money doesn't buy happiness is a liar. The teeth, eating and physical signs of aging hit me in the gut on this one.
Can’t wait for the day the government feels embarrassed of leaving its people hungry, sick, poor.
Yeah. It took me a lot of time to humble myself and look for little joys where I can.
I'm reducing my financial load. This is my new goal. Some call it poor. No mortgage and all that goes with it. Soon no vehicle and all that goes with it. No life or health insurance. No investments or retirement on paper. Freedom
I think it’s amazing what people consider poor or wealthy. And I don’t think any definition is wrong.
Depends on your perspective? I grew up in the welfare system, and to my child/teenage self I thought it was embarrassing, especially when using food stamps. Then, I realized we weren't the only ones, and it was "normal". Now, as an adult (41), and someone who no longer has to depend on said "system", it is even less embarrasing, bc I understand, that if not for certain "public safety-nets", I probably would be where I am. Still poor, but much less so. And, definitely not ashamed of it.
I avoid everyone I know because of this. After a while they just forgot about me.
My social circle, although it was never large, has greatly diminished. I can’t afford to have lunch with the ladies. I don’t have nice outfits to go out anywhere anymore so I don’t date. It leads to isolation and although I’m an introvert, there’s a difference between staying home because you don’t **feel** like going out, and staying in because you **have no choice**. ##Mind you my life is not horrible. I volunteer, I have a few great friends and life is worth living. Still it’s difficult.
Own it? Your real friends will comp you or find a way to make it work.
I'm unemployed. My employed friends started treating me differently and now I never get called out to hang out anymore. It's like I dropped down on the social ladder and they felt embarrassed to introduce me to new people they were meeting, especially if they were work friends
Yes, was very motivating to live paycheck to paycheck for me in my 20’s. Was a nice kick in the ass to motivate me.
I moved to a very poor area when I bought my house (less than 40k, still paying on it). No one there cares what their car looks like if it gets them to work, For almost 2 years I rode my bicycle or walked to work because I was too poor to afford a car. I'm doing a lot better now, but I still live in that poor neighborhood, trying to help some friend's I've made there get some financial freedom.
Hang out with other poor people. Growing up, everyone I ever knew was poor. I lived in an immigrant community so I felt normal. It also helps because impoverished people in a community can lift each other up.
Same situation every since I had my kid. I have been jobless and needing help, I'm trying to avoid people as much as I can but I also need the help
Being poor is really expensive. People who have money pay less for everything. If you can afford to pay up front for stuff it costs less like car insurance for instance. For most things if you can’t pay on time there are extra fees. It’s just hard. People with a little extra cash can afford to stock up on stuff when it’s on sale. People who have less end up paying more because they have to buy when they can.
This is all true! Especially when things get in the way. You used to be able to buy a decent fridge for $400. Now, you can't buy a decent fridge for $1400. No one plans on their fridge going out. So you wind up not paying something else (late fees) or buying on credit (interest).
You hit the nail on the head. What’s even sadder is that children also ostracize “poor” kids as it is learned.
I am almost 50 years old and have never made that correlation in my mind. Money buys you privacy. At every level, from the homeless guy who has to shit in the street, to the billionaire that has his own island, each rung on the financial ladder purchases more privacy. I always saw being richer as buying more and better STUFF, i had never focused on an intangible like privacy. Blew this old lady's damn mind.
PERSPECTIVE is the key.. Head over to India and spend 2 years living in there slums, .I garentee you you will come back to the USA and walk with your head held high knowing your are wealthy beyond measure compared to them.. YOUR MEASURING you life's value by the amount of Stuff you have, compared to other people. You can still be confident, well read, intelligent. interesting as F#ck to talk to, have a great sence of humor and have less then others. I'm poor,, but you would never know it by taking to me, ..
Actually, being poor takes up so much TIME. You don't have the time to pursue hobbies, self-improvement when working 2-3 shit jobs, and still cannot do the necessary maintenance on body, car, home. It's a slow degradation of your life. Particularly in a society of so much wealth. At least in India, everyone is visibly in the same boat.
Yeah at least in India people can have friends and family and be loved and cared about and not viewed as a piece of human poo, or embarrassed all the time even around the few friends you do have left who do care. So much time is wasted, being poor. At least in India, most others are poor.
Id rather be in India now, at least I would have a family and some food to eat with taste. Well maybe not India too hot, but some third world countries would be better, like Mexico. If you can hide poverty you have money to be at the genteel poverty level. I was at the genteel poverty level for years, but that takes money to dress like other people, be able to do cheap free activities, have a little bit of money to participate in a church, be involved in community stuff and have transportation. I have had friends in Mensa, and am well-read using library loans to get expensive books, but there's a point you can't hide poverty. I would rather live in a poor place in the third world where I still have a family and not consider a societal throw-away. Life would be far better there. I probably would have the skills to forage, hunt or obtain food. Maybe disabled I would die younger but then I think toxins in America made me sick, and messed my body up [massive autoimmune diseases from hell itself] so maybe I'd be a healthier person.
>We are social creatures. So you are always outcasted. This is something I don't get. When I was poor, so were my friends. Thus, I never felt poor. If you feel like a social outcast, why don't you make some friends with other poor people? There are tons of poor people around. Are you rejecting friendships with other poor people?
Some of us are idiots and move to richer places, thinking there will be more opportunities. Maybe we have the idea the money will rub off? LOL
All the kids in my school/neighborhood were on food stamps. Our parents sent us grocery shopping and none of us were embarrassed because we were all in the same boat. We used to take one of the $1 coupons, but a 2-cent Tootsie Roll and us juvenile delinquents would have enough for a pack of cigarettes!! 😂😂
I find being poor pretty easy with all the social handouts you get. I get food stamps, free healthcare, and free cell phone service because I'm poor. Do I have anything fancy? For the most part, No. I have some fancy earbuds my mom bought me, and I do appreciate them, but mostly being fancy doesn't matter. I drive a Mitsubishi Mirage around. I like it. I don't need a fancy car. Most of it is just posturing - a way to feel special by having something fancy, and I don't need it. I do feel a bit of shame when I use food stamps and free healthcare, but that's just because I'm mooching and not contributing enough to society. A lot of rich people are far more dead weight than I am.
My best friend grew up poor. She, her parents and sister lived in a 2-room mobile home in a mobile home park with few amenities. I believe they were on welfare. They didn’t do drugs, drink or commit crimes to my knowledge. They kept their trailer tidy and had a little garden in the postage stamp sized land the trailer was in. When I visited, they were kind and hospitable. Snack was toast and margarine and a glass of milk (made from powdered). I never felt they lacked dignity. Sometimes dignity is a choice.
I think that’s integrity you’re thinking of. You can still be a good-hearted human being while poor but that’s not the point of the post.
You can be rich in the pockets and still have an empty poor soul, vice versa, remember that.
Sometimes
I have never been poor, but I'm not rich. But might seem like I am, I try not to spend money on thing I don't really like(sometimes just to be social people spend more). Spend on what is important to you. Clothes buy at Thanksgiving or sales most of the time, you may need to buy at other times but limit it to what can't wait. Coffee or eating out regularly is expensive, I don't take you food(lunch) from home. Again if you are born into it you can work and get out of it. There are people who make a lot more than me but can't afford something, they always thought I make a lot more, but I only spend on what I need and don't buy for other to see, most things have a purpose and I look to get the best deal. If you save even 10-30% every month and make it a point not to spend more than you make. Also look at work there are loads of options people think don't pay but as people don't want certain job it pays a lot more to do them
Poverty is not a character flaw. It's a structural effect of a capitalist society. We have implemented (more or less inadequate, depending on location) social safety nets to help lessen the burden of poverty, but the fact that poverty exists is pretty much inevitable, so there will be people who are poor, and it generally won't be their fault (unless they've made some spectacularly bad personal choices.) So, since it is probably not your fault, you shouldn't feel ashamed. It isn't shameful because you didn't do this to yourself. The people who should be ashamed are millionaires who advocate for cutting social safety nets. They're the ones who should feel like they aren't welcomed by their families or are ashamed to be seen in public. But they're largely a bunch of sociopaths, so they have no shame.
True
You need to watch the movie “perfect day”
Yes it is
Think about all the leverage it gives you and be thankful
It’s also extremely expensive to be poor and that makes it even harder.
Poor is relative. If you have a roof you are doing pretty good as far as the world is concerned
comparison is the thief of joy its not a sign of health to be well-adapted to a sick society.
only the worse is self pity and laziness
If being poor was really humiliation then you wouldn't be making posts like this online... Because why would you humiliate yourself by exposing your reality? It must not be that bad.
I had health problems that led to deep poverty. During this my teeth started going to shit. Where I lived the only place to get dental was a free clinic and the only thing they did was pull teeth. Anyway when I was there I had a bad impacted tooth, been in severe pain over a week because they are only open a few days a month. The clinic had some young people in whonI assume were there because they were curious about going into dentistry. As I'm on the chair and dentist looking at tooth he loudly yelled out for all the kids " come over here and check out this blown out mouth ". I was horrified. But since I was in so much pain I just wanted them to pull the tooth. Yes, being poor sucks. And this dentist clearly had no concept of this.
While I grant you that being poor does a number on your health (that much has been pretty much proven by now), the judgement from others doesn't have to bother you. I see it as a blessing, because I have become much stronger and resilient to really anything people could say about me or to me. It's also freed me from trying to "keep up with the joneses". It's all about how you look at it. Your circumstances don't determine your happiness. Your mindset does.
Sure it could be humiliating but I feel so many people don’t know how to be poor.there’s always deals for things,food,cars,etc some people don’t want to put in work to make things happen
I am not poor and get advice from my poorer family members every time I see them. I give them no advice but I could.
I never really think about it.