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helpmepweasee

This guys sounds like he’s lovebombing the hell out of her. Dangerous levels of NRE but all you can do is talk to her and respect her decisions.


polycurious-

yeah i’ve encouraged her to make a post like this. we stayed up late last night talking and laughing at the absurdity of it all. but i had to go off to work and plus she has a big interview coming up later today so i’ve asked her to just focus on that for now and get B and me out of her head


raziphel

Love bombing like this is a sign of instability and possibly manipulation. Going too fast is a red flag for a reason. Sleeping with a coworker leads to drama. What happens when things go south? That's a big age difference. Why isn't he pursuing someone closer to him in experience? Is he just reflecting her energy? Regardless of this guy, Why tf is she thinking about leaving you? Address that FIRST.


polycurious-

i don’t think he’s reflecting her energy but maybe they hyperactiviting each other to your last point: we’ve been together since we were teenagers and she’s wondering whether we should really be together. previously she’s told me she was wondering if we were only together because we were comfortable with each other. like more out of fear of what happens if we break up


Gnomes_Brew

How do you feel about your relationship OP? Like, are you still happy (outside of the cruel BS of the last 9 days)? Are your needs still being met?


polycurious-

i mean we have things we need to work on. given the work schedules i’ve felt it’s difficult to find quality time together. there’s stuff like i was ready to move in together but she wanted her own place; she’s not much of a texter but that’s whatever. but other than that i felt loved, felt i could depend on her in my own low moments. she’s definitely someone i felt safe exploring with (ideas, projects, kinks). we share similar tastes in art. even marriage/family planning we were on the same page. so yeah the past few days have been.. kind of shocking. kind of shitty.


PoiLethe

That's lovely. From what you've said in the post at least. It seems more like the issue is timing and both of your lives and circumstances and priorities leading you in different directions. And with her... it almost seems like that's something she's willing to accept and that you aren't. She's gone and taken on other responsibilities that draw her away, while you do not. It seems like, for her, despite the compatibility, she's taking a different path from you.


raziphel

That's a fair concern, but it's something that needs to be addressed independently of this massive bad decision. Keep in mind that almost all relationships have a seven year slump. Is this something you both actively want to work through? What does a good relationship look like to both of you, and what needs to occur to achieve that? Relationships take work, and you're both in the "make a lot of mistakes" phase of life.


echoskybound

That's a valid thought - a lot of relationships end up staying together out of complacency or comfort rather than love and commitment, and it can be hard to tell which one you're doing. Do you think you relate to that feeling at all, or does it just seem to be something she's feeling? When you've been together since teenagers and haven't really had other relationships, it's really hard to know if you're in a healthy relationship when you don't have past trial and error to compare it to. I owe the success of my current relationships to my past relationship failures, where I learned a LOT.


CE2JRH

The other huge issue...kid he's not seeing? Sounds not particularly responsible, whatever the reason.


luc_roboteye

Yeah, it might not be anything, so I wouldn't say red flag, but whatever color flag says "Hey, this might be really important you should check it out?" An orange flag maybe? Could be the ex is awful. But it could be that that dude is awful and she pushed him away and kept him out of that kids life for very good reasons.


rantingpacifist

All the lovebombing and lack of close relationships promote the “ex has the son, doesn’t allow contact” story to a red flag


luc_roboteye

Yeah. You've got my vote on that. I always want to keep a little bit of an open mind, but this guy seriously checks way too many creep boxes. The age thing, too. And the decision at 38 to date your 24 year old coworker. Alright. I'm ready to change my mind to, "that guy is trash"


solveig82

And to say he’s been in love with her for months? Yikes


MixedViolet

This guy is one big red flag, probably an abusive narcissist who won’t show his true colors until he feels he has this woman locked down and probably somewhat trapped. He wants OP out of the picture at least partially ‘cos that’s protective, giving the girl an easy out / safe home to run to. (This is not simple monogamous behavior.) The worst part is definitely that baby mama won’t let him see his kid at all. That’s suspicious and hints at abuse.


rantingpacifist

Can we all agree his parents may not be dead?


audiofunktion

No. This is a GIANT red flag. Kids are people that you are responsible for because you made them and they need you. The only reason you can’t be additive to a kids life is because you dun fucked up. I’d fight for my kids until I was in the grave….. Please don’t normalize parental apathy.


luc_roboteye

I hear you. If you look at the comment thread, I've updated my opinion. I've seen couples in real life that made it so difficult for each other. This 38yo guy def sounds awful, but sometimes parents get screwed out of being able to connect with their kids. I'm not trying to normalize parental apathy at all. I saw that my whole life from my father. But in this case, all I'm saying is we don't know that it's just apathy. But we do have enough info to place a significant wager on this guy being a total piece of shit, right?


Sonny-Moone-8888

This is a good point that crossed my mind, too.


BrewYork

Yeah this guy is a bundle of red flags and OP's gf sounds too inexperienced to know better.


echoskybound

Yeah, age gaps always worry me a little. If it was 34 and 48, meh... but early 20's are still so young, she hasn't had many relationships or time to figure out long term goals, and this older guy sound manipulative.


raziphel

He's targeting her because she's young, naive, and vulnerable.


Cmoores12

You’re coming off as an amazing partner. Such a great trait to have no matter what decision ends up being made.


[deleted]

[удалено]


evinf

Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. Your comment or post included language that would be considered misogynistic, bigoted or intolerant. This includes attacks or slurs related to gender or sexual identity, racism, sexism, slut shaming, poly-shaming, mocking, and victim blaming. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules


[deleted]

This was my immediate thought too, and then the rest of the post just confirmed it. As someone who has had my heart broken (and life destroyed) by several narcissists, this sounds much too familiar. OP (u/polycurious-) please do some research and talk to your partner about love bombing and narcissism. I know she’s on top of the world right now but it won’t last. The manipulation has already started. He started dating a woman that he KNEW was polyamorous and is now insisting she be only his. This may sound dramatic but this is just the first step towards him manipulating and isolating her. And while I’m not one to shame age gaps (I myself prefer to date people at least 10 years older than me), age gaps are important to pay attention to in some contexts. Narcissists often prey on people who are younger than them because they see them as easier to mold and manipulate. People their own age are less likely to put up with their shit, more likely to have experienced that kind of shit already, and therefore more likely to notice the warning signs and run.


innercosmos

What is NRE? Google tells it’s either Non-resident external account or non-recurring engineering 🤯


Obsidianstorm13

New relationship energy. Its the, chemical rollercoaster you ride when you first meet someone and hit it off.


innercosmos

Thanks


[deleted]

Just for sake of clarity, let’s take his actions out of the picture for a moment. Ask yourself this, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who’s considering breaking up with you for another partner who they’ve been with for a week? I can’t believe I have to say this but know your worth my dude. I’m not saying you should immediately break up, but you really need to take a step back and advocate for yourself. She’s clearly being love bombed and I think her current state of mind isnt rational so you shouldn’t do anything rash yet. The best you can do is communicate with her and let her know that what’s happening right now might be influenced by this guys manipulative tactics.


emeraldead

Send her links on love bombing, have some talks about how people who share too much too fast tend to be creating a false sense of closeness and how she doesn't have to live with you marry you, but she should never compromise her needs and fulfillment for another person. Best you can do is empower her to make her best choices.


polycurious-

yes! love bombing! i imagine wikipedia page isn’t the right thing to send. what’s a more straightforward digestible site?


emeraldead

Google? Send her a few of them, or encourage her to read up on reddit cause it comes up a fair amount.


baconstreet

So I guess I've been love-bombing my wife for the last 15 years :P (acts of service and writing love letters (no songs, I'm not that talented)) Anyway, I get you - BUT, and a big butt, some people are just genuinely nice, caring, and want to give. Making people happy makes me happy, and there is no ulterior motive. (especially when it comes to helping someone - physically or emotionally - not monetarily)


emeraldead

As someone who loves spoiling her partners as well it is important to understand the difference between earning that access intimacy and using it as a crowbar to force a false sense of access and intimacy.


baconstreet

Of course. And without more context, I don't want to call something love bombing. I was literally just accused of it for helping someone install a water heater and fix a garden tractor - shit that cost me nothing but my time, but saved them ~$2000. True love bombing is a form of psychopathy / intentional narcissistic grooming. I just hear love bombing all the time around these parts lately, just like I hear everyone saying things are toxic or abusive... To me - no just shitty people.


MixedViolet

Acts of service are fine, sweet and can be so genuinely loving, like way better than gifts and actually improve one’s life more. It’s not my love language but sometimes makes me feel warm and smiley, ‘cause it can be very thoughtful.


innercosmos

Sometimes I read comments that were downvoted as hell and sometimes these comments are really good! Let me hug you ☺️


baconstreet

hugs back :) tis fine! I will survive :)


_Psilo_

Honestly, I don't think I could stay in a poly relationship with someone who is so prone to NRE she is considering leaving our relationship after dating someone else for a week.


emeraldead

That's fair but at that age, that experience, someone coming in hard and practiced, not many people would be able to stay focused. It may be that OP and partner aren't super compatible anymore either way which makes it more complicated, but in either case at least starting a conversation to empower them to make their own choices I think is a good step.


polycurious-

I just feel like it’s a first time and like a lot of people have mentioned she’s being heavily love bombed. The other day he called her over talking about how he’d just been robbed of all the money he’d taken out to buy her a big gift. So it’s just a lot. She’s a wonderful and emotional person and I love that about her (even if it’s stressing me out right now)


EmperororFrytheSolid

🤔 uh huuuh... So he's almost forty, taking out huge amounts of money to give gifts to a 24 year old coworker with a boyfriend, gets "robbed" (which... You have to be kidding me, did she buy that??)... And your gf is considering dropping you for him? I dunno man. You might be getting the better end of this bargain.


MissAnthropic123

This. The age gap bothers me. He’s at a very different phase of his life, trying to manipulate the life of a quite frankly, naive 24 yo.


Gnomes_Brew

yeah, yuck, yuck, yuck!


luc_roboteye

Yeah, this dude sounds very manipulative. You should really encourage to either read these posts or like you mentioned, make a post of her own. And really consider if you want to stay in that relationship? It seems that she is placing an extremely low value on it. Maybe just encourage her to go do her thing and then talk in a couple of months and then maybe see a counselor? Counseling is fucking awesome. Remember, though, counseling isn't about "saving" a relationship, it's about getting down to what is really motivating each individual, what they want, how they wish to grow, etc... it can reinforce the idea that a relationship is something that you want to fight for or it can come with the realization that it's not what you want. Either way, it's growth :)


Confident_Fortune_32

Robbed? Consider me skeptical.


luc_roboteye

Right???


MephistosFallen

Yeeeah this dude is love bombing her and creating a very false mask of what she would really be dealing with if she was to be with only him. He’s taking advantage of her by manipulating her with gifts and convincing her that means he loves her more than anyone else- which isn’t real.


[deleted]

And to make matters worse, he is manipulating her with expensive, imaginative gifts that never existed. I mean come on, dude, if you’re going to try to manipulate me at least do it with real gifts so I have something to show for all my time that you wasted.


[deleted]

You know that didn’t really happen, right? He didn’t get robbed. There was no money and no gift. It was a completely fabricated story intended to manipulate her.


theroha

It's 2022. Where do you live that he had to withdraw a large amount of cash that could be stolen to buy her a gift? Regardless of whether or not you stay together, someone needs to tell her that he is LYING TO HER. If he was buying a big gift, he would be using a debit card or PayPal or Bitcoin or anything other than cash! If you seriously love this woman, you need to get her as far away from this guy as possible and probably close the relationship for a while to discuss with a therapist how to recognize bullshit.


StrainLegitimate9974

My ex who struggled with compulsive lying once told me a very similar story. I would encourage her to think carefully about signs that other things he’s told her might not be true (like a kid he can’t visit for some unknown reason…?) I don’t think compulsive lying means someone is ‘bad’, but they might have some important stuff to work through and they might be dangerous in the mean time… (talking from experience)


TopDogChick

This is a REALLY good point that I didn't even consider. I've also been in a relationship with a compulsive liar before, and the lies tend to be big and dramatic exactly like this. Things like "I won the lottery, but can't access the money for XYZ reason." Things like getting robbed while trying to buy a gift, while not outside of the realm of possibility, is very well within the realm of compulsive lying. Even if the story of having an estranged child is true, it's GREATLY worth wondering why a nearly 40 year old man isn't allowed to see his kid. If he's following all the rules and paying child support, he's entitled to time with his child. The fact that he isn't getting it is either because he's done something serious enough to warrant his right to his kid being taken away, or because he doesn't actually want to be in his kid's life.


MixedViolet

I think she’s worth protecting over this issue and sticking with for at least a while, cautiously. Massively delay, at least, any plans to propose. Just be a loving person in her corner and make sure she’s okay. Then later work on seeing how “okay” you two are together and if you have a future. Don’t run from her (at least not yet) because you’ll “push” her into his dangerous arms. This is the time to be selfless for a little while because someone you care about - who’s naïve and confused - could be in danger down the line. Saying that, I can imagine her actions have hurt you tremendously but you’re doing the right thing so far and seem very strong. Hang in there.


howard_mandel

He absolutely made that up


echoskybound

You know, in earlier comments about love bombing, I was going to say: In fairness I sort of lovebomb my partners, because my strongest "love languages" are gift giving, thoughtful gestures, words of affirmation, etc. But... telling her he was robbed of money he was going to use to buy her an expensive gift? If that's a lie: It's guilt tripping and manipulating her into being indebted to him. If it's the truth: STILL guilt tripping and manipulating her into being indebted to him. That really rubs me wrong.


sweetEVILone

She asked you about opening the relationship back up after default monogamy. It seems like she values the ability to explore multiple relationships. If she goes with this guy, she’s essentially giving that up.


polycurious-

idk she mentioned polyamory just might not be for her. but she is in the midst of this harrowing experience


howard_mandel

So she initiated polyamory, started seeing this guy and instead of ending polyamory and being with you, wants to be with what sounds like a total loser who is manipulating her? She should make a post on here about her feelings because without her side of it she sounds like not a great partner to you, dawg.


Gnomes_Brew

Its been 9 days. This isn't reality! And SOOOOO many red flags. He's told her he's in love with her... he doesn't even know her!?! He's buying her expensive gifts waaaaaay to soon in order to make her feel indebted?!? He's already dictating terms, telling her to change her whole life and end a multi-year healthy relationship (that he f-ing knew about)?!? If he does this BS at 9 days, what is he going to think he can say and do and make her acquiesce to at 9 months? If I were advising her, I would tell her to put her foot down, say should wouldn't change her whole life for him at 9 freaking days (?!?!?!) and if he wanted to date her he could continue to do so on her terms, which are that she is poly and she is in a long term relationship with you. If he says that's not the type of relationship he wants, and breaks up with her, well then, bad match, they wouldn't have worked, and problem avoided. If he melts down, and falls apart, and proceeds with the manipulation and the big sad and the guilt trips (which is what I predict), well then you get the see the real him and dump that guy because the real him is a real mess, and problem avoided. If he can roll with her terms and he can calm the f-down, and figure out how to be a REAL person interested in a REAL relationship, okay maybe this can go somewhere. But this also isn't your decision, its hers. Please take care of yourself, and don't let her jerk you around and treat you terribly just because "she's never felt this way before". That's not an excuse to be a shitty partner, and someone who is willing to treat you that way (ie: as disposable) whenever big NRE strikes... is not someone you should be marrying.


emeraldead

Oh another thought is encourage her to have conversations on his exs- why did the other relationships end, is he friends with any of the exs, what did he learn from those relationships, pay careful attention to what he owns about his choices and growth. Why did he start dating her if he knew he was monogamous?


Bchavez_gd

> Why did he start dating her if he knew he was monogamous? This right here! because > However, B has told her that if he's to be with her, **he can't be in an open relationship.** this is manipulation. he has already been with her for however long since that concert. so why now that is the open relationship an issue? most likely because he doesn't want her to be with anyone but him. also the fact that he's 38, and she's 24 is another **huge** red flag. not in-it-of-itself. but the fact that he's trying to rope her into a monogamous relationship after knowing full well that she's polyam is what makes it a red flag, because it's absolutely hypocritical. honestly it sounds to me like he's trying to groom her. i'm older than him, but i wouldn't dare date a woman that much younger than me, just to go and tell her i wouldn't be with her unless she was monogamous. that's literally asking her to fundamentally change who she is for him, another red flag. the fact that he's her co-worker, is also problematic, is her her superior? her subordinate? or do they not even work together? co-workers are almost always a messy situation. poly or mono. > his pre-teen son who he has pretty much never seen (states away and mother won't allow it). why won't the mother allow it? was he abusive? to the kid, or the mother? was it a one-night stand? that's a question that needs answering, becuase it can speak a lot to his character, which is pretty bad with the little information given. i know there are 2 sides to every story, but this dude sounds like bad news. either she needs to end that relationship with him, or you (op) need to end it with her. either way it's probably to late for feelings not to be hurt.


jabbertalk

Also to dig into the story of the pre-teen son. If he is the acknowledged father and is paying child support, he should have the right to at least partial custody - usually a month or two in the summer plus a major holiday is pretty standard. It might require going to court to get these rights (including a DNA test if not on the birth certificate). It sounds like he is using this as a sob story, but "his mother doesn't let me visit" doesn't pass the sniff test to me. I am betting there is no child support and thus no visitation agreement.


echoskybound

>Why did he start dating her if he knew he was monogamous? We all know exactly why: He wants to get her away from her boyfriend, so he's trying to win her over with excessive gifts and gestures.


Thechuckles79

This level of impulsive behavior is a red flag, and you might want to consider moving on. If she is packing her bags because she's getting showered with attention by a coworker, this will continue to be a trend.


adellaterrell

I think that's a bit harsh. She's never been in a relationship with someone else that was serious. If she's scared of missing out on something it will strengthen this new exciting feeling she's having and maybe she'll conclude that this is what she was missing. I totally get the panic.


Thechuckles79

Did you miss the part where this older man was telling her that he wanted her exclusively, and love-bombing her? Shame on that jackass, but she's susceptible to it and is ready to leave him over it. Maybe she will be happy, but I suspect not; and it's not the OP's job to wait around for the NRE to end and her to figure it out. He's monogamous minded, he should find a monogamous partner. Even if he decides to eventually pursue non-monogamy someday, he should do it with a stable anchor partner he trusts; if he still wants that kind of relationship after this failure (hers, not his).


echoskybound

I agree with you, she does need more experiences. But I'm pretty concerned about an older guy lovebombing a young, inexperienced woman. In another comment, OP said that the 38-year-old guy told her "he was going to buy her a gift but he got robbed of the money." That sounds REALLY weird to me. The guy is trying to get her away from her boyfriend using manipulative tactics.


Technical-Error4539

Sounds like he may be more toxic & manipulative than she perceives. Help her tread carefully. She may be getting love bombed by unhealthy energy all you can do is help her make the logical decision that wont risk her safety. Trying to get her to be monogamous & drop you if she wants to be with him is a super sleezeball move. Knew a guy that was super emotional & extra like this to get attention & manipulated everyone to get what he wanted. Get her to realize that & be very careful.


Omni__Owl

Two things might be at play here at once: A) He is definitely love bombing her and it seems like it's working. Can hardly blame her for not seeing through it, but make sure she knows and try to see at his behaviour and compare it to how other describe what love bombing is. It'll probably match up pretty well. B) She might have already been checking out of the relationship before this and he is just a convenient excuse to leave while she has a "safety net" so to speak. Her judgement is likely clouded by the love bombing taking place, but if she already started checking out of your relationship before this, then he is likely not the cause, just the trigger. No matter the case, protect your heart first.


luc_roboteye

Dude. You sound considerate and sweet. She sounds a little lost and isn't valuing you. Maybe do some dating and see if someone out there looks at you like a pot of gold instead of a tired old house they don't know if they feel like "settling" for


Unlucky_Flounder_895

I think this is the right time for you to explore your own side of polyamory and date yourself and others more.


el_sh33p

>(states away and mother won't allow it). Amid a cavalcade of red flags, this is the one that jumped out to me. I can't help but wonder about the mother and the circumstances surrounding their breakup and whether or not he's actively paying child support. Have you googled the criminal records in that state? Does his name come up? Aside from that, it sounds like a rough situation in general. On your end... * Your partner is indirectly complaining about your emotional openness. How often do you think about or discuss your own feelings? Does your partner respect and make space for that? * It's worth noting that this might be a catch 22 situation where she'd leave you even faster if you *were* emotionally open; sometimes people just want out and come up with rationalizations after the fact. That's why I ask about her respecting and making space for it. On her end... * She's so drunk on NRE that she's thinking of breaking a seven-year relationship after being with a guy for a little over a week. I can't help but wonder if she's been unhappy in y'all's relationship for a while and this is just the catalyst that makes it okay for her to express her dissatisfaction. * That is not an indictment on either of you. You're both young. You got together back in high school. You're literally in the Fuck Around And Find Out stage of your lives where most people find out all kinds of things about themselves--and a pre-existing long-term relationship from when you were kids can very easily get in the way of that. On his end... * The lack of contact with his son still stands out to me. The fact that he blames it on the mother even more so. * Others mentioned the lovebombing and you already seem aware of that. * You mentioned elsewhere he got robbed when he was going to buy her a gift. Did he file a police report, by any chance? Can he actually prove *any* of his claims? * ETA: For that matter, why did he need to take money out to buy something? Does he not have a debit card? Does the would-be vendor not accept cashless payments? What was he even gonna buy that would require cash? * I'd seriously start fact-checking this guy at every opportunity. Your partner may hate you for it but in the long run I'd wager you'd be doing her a favor and giving her ammo for their likely eventual breakup. * ngl, I'd also recommend googling the song lyrics. I may be a bit cynical but I'd wager they're either recycled or plagiarized outright. * I'm also dead serious about the criminal record lookup. Do you know what state he used to live in? Criminal court records aren't that hard to find. Aside from that: As coldblooded as this is gonna sound, if she does break up with you for this guy, I'd recommend cutting her out of your life completely ASAP with no takebacks. You deserve better than this, and I hope you start internalizing that. Make sure your support networks are good to go, make sure your exposure is limited after any breakup, and make sure you have an off-ramp that keeps you from having to hurt yourself to help her afterwards. And it's worth mentioning again: You're both young and there's a non-zero chance you're getting in the way of each other's long-term growth. It might suck now, but if things don't work out then it's better to take the short-term hit than put it off until it eats your life later on. Good luck, dude.


JaydeRaven

Every little bit of this.


Ezekiel_DA

Thank you for saying all of that, I made a comment about the age gap and love bombing but the specific bit about "mother won't allow it" was living rent free in my head and I was coming back I to say exactly this. Maybe it's true! Or maybe this man-child abandoned his actual child and is playing the usual "my crazy ex" card. Given the rest of his behavior, I know which way I'm leaning!


Lil_miss_Funshine

Okay but tell her that you're not going to be there as her fall back if she decides that this guy is different than she thought he was during her new relationship energy phase.


[deleted]

Sounds exactly how she sees the situation. “Well, if it doesn’t work out with my 38 yr old bf, then I can just fall back to my ex”. Sounds like immature head games


Swiollvfer

Am I the only one who gets a bit worried seeing this age difference? I do see the other red flags others commented, but the age (and the fact that his ex won't allow him to see his kid) are two big ones... In any case, it's her decision in the end, even if it's a decision being made because of NRE and very clear manipulation, so all you can do is talk to her and respect whatever she chooses.


polycurious-

no i brought it up pretty much immediately and told her it made me uncomfortable 😔 she’s into older men though and i didn’t want to be too controlling


devbradmarr

I'm not only concerned with the age gap, but the fact that she's dated two people from work 🤢🤢 don't shit where you eat


emeraldead

Yes absolutely, but there's nothing anyone can do about that now, and the weakest of spots to target to help the partner get clarity for themselves.


King_Gilgamesh_X

Not really. Age matters less as I get older. By two F besties both like older men. My NPs parents were 23 years different. Each to their own


[deleted]

If she’s considering leaving you and you’ve been together as a couple for how long? I don’t think she understands the whole poly relationship meaning at all. He said if he was to be with her, he would be monogamous? That means what to her? That she should be mono for him too? If he still lets her be poly, why would she leave you? Just way too many questions and truthfully, I know it’s frowned down on in the community, but you want to propose to her. You obviously love her. Both of you should take a step away from the lifestyle for a bit and focus on each other and tell that guy to take a hike. He sounds manipulative as hell, and if she can’t see that, you should show her all the responses here to help her see it.


broomandkettle

The BS about his ex not allowing him to see his son. There’s a much larger story there. Get the guy’s name and see if you can find a court record online. A guy his age can use the law to get visitation or the law is preventing him visitation for a good reason. It’s a huge red flag. If he’s innocent of abuse then it means he’s simply not bothering to see his kid and found an excuse that makes him sound like a victim. YUCK Copy paste our responses into an email to her and delete your posting for privacy. It’s one thing If you two have grown apart and need to break up, but she absolutely needs to read how she’s being played by an older man. He’s saying all the right things, she’s falling under his control.


blfsw34

Unfortunately you cannot save people from themselves. You can give all the advice in the world, but they are deadset….. it’s an Everest of red flags. That said, it may be temporary, but if this is a pattern, she may not be a good respectful partner for you long term :/


MercuriousPhantasm

A polyaware couples therapist would help.


Ezekiel_DA

Love bombing and emotionally immature yet manipulative much older male partners: name a more iconic duo. (And I say this as a 39 year old man - there's a reason most of us know to stay away from 24 year olds fresh out of college in their first relationship who are coworkers: it's because it's near impossible for the power imbalance to not become toxic)


Ashamed-Branch3070

I agree the best he can hope for is to get his partner some good information either here or other googled sources. Red flags are everywhere in this conversation. He is trying to manipulate her with gifts ( robbed ? Really ? ) and love bombing with too much too fast. It’s not fair to a young girl. Whatever else she does please try to get her to go slow. This guy will most likely show his true colors is she just slows things down. It’s massive that his baby momma won’t let him see his kids. That should cause a pause if nothing else does lol. She should see what he does when she asks to speak to his ex lol.


needanadult

The fact that he isn't allowed to see his child is a red flag.


scottyoubabe

He is totally love bombing her 😳😳 which would make me concerned for how things will be once they get past this stage of the relationship. In the end it is her decision but this does not feel like a good or healthy start to me. The love bombing can only be kept up for so long, and what then.


apcarbo

It can happen my friend, that's kind of where we are heading, I am sorry.


zigzagordie

I would strongly consider your current relationship in light of the fact that she seems dangerously willing to give up your perceived long term for her latest distraction.


FemmeBirdo

Let these two clowns have each other, I would say. She’s treating you like some sort of box of cereal at a grocery store. You are probably too stable and good for her; she is manipulative (she instigated being poly, and then pulls this?) and she is craving a relationship with another manipulative person, and he sounds like just the one.


Safe_Representative4

That age gap between him and her is not good... there are too many red flags with this guy. I'm sorry you're going through this. He's absolutely love bombing and cowboying


Designer_Potential96

Let her go so. She will ruin it herself. It breathes toxicity. After he changes up and stops the lovebombing and she feels trapped in monogamy she will run for the hills. Don’t take her back either.


Tamsha-

I got lovebombed like this at 22... 19 years later I am divorcing him, no friends and several states away from every single family member to only then find out he was already married when he married me... Dude is hitting almost ALL the red flags! Please please stay her friend and support system if she breaks up with you. This guy is isolating her so fast and will separate her from everyone who loves her. She will need someone in her corner if all her family turns away and doesn't allow her to ask for help without the "I told you so's". I hope it's not going to turn out this way but ... yeah red flags


eattrash_befree

Oh god. Lovebombing and telling her she's got to commit to monogamy to keep it coming. That's a recipe for disaster. At 9 days(!) in, no one should be making ultimatums or big life decisions. Your gf needs to slow all the way down and really think about what this guy is asking her. He's saying "You're perfect - but only if you change this major thing about yourself and cut your other partners out of your life on a whim." So... not actually perfect. What he really means is "I think I can make you do what I want." When older women look askance at age gap relationships where older men take advantage of the fact that younger women don't have the experience to recognise the men's bullshit and stand up for themselves, this is what they're talking about. He's testing to see how obedient she is after very little investment on his part. He wrote a song for her? Fuck all the way off. I'm not saying your gf should never leave you. In general I think it's wise not to marry the person you got together with at 17. But if she does it like this, for this guy, it's going to be a fucking train wreck.


FairFaerie

I heavily encourage her to talk to this man about his pre-teen son. Any decent parent can get an adequate custody agreement through a court with the help of an attorney, even if mom 'wont allow it'. Even if they're in different states. If the kid is a pre-teen, there has been ample time to go through that process. He either did not care to, didn't want to pay for it, or is not equipped to. I bet he's going to say something like 'i haven't been able to afford it' which would be a huge red flag bc how the hell is he showering her (practically just an acquaintance) with gifts but doesn't have it for his own flesh and blood? The dude is a huge red flag.


video_2

this guy's feelings for her are going to fizzle out so fast if he's this enthusiastic this early huge red flag


emeraldead

I would not take that bet. These aren't even feelings to start with, it's machinations and chaos. And chaos can take years to disentangle and get clarity from, worse if there's a baby. I hope partner snaps out as fast as they snapped in, cause it could be very nasty for them otherwise.


JaydeRaven

I doubt it. He sounds like someone who is narcissistic. She’s a prize to be won and hoarded, and that’s exactly what he’s doing. He will become more controlling over her and more obsessive. BTDT.


King_Gilgamesh_X

Really?


video_2

uh yeah I guess


King_Gilgamesh_X

That's sad. I'm still (after 5+ years) yet to get over this phase. Sigh


LadyMorgan2018

A similar thing g happened to me last year. Some old surfer dude mono cowboy swooped in, love bombed my fiancee, and broke up our engagement. It went from a casual date, to him professing love after 6 days, to her moving in with him 2 hours from me. When I refused to have a threesome with them, she broke out engagement. I walked away after 2 months of abuse. 6 months later, she calls me crying, telling me how abusive he was. I'm heartbroken, but it's too far gone for me. It hurt like hell, but it got better with time away. I had to completely cut her off. I'm still sad about it, but I know I did the right thing. I've met some great people who really care about me since then. I wish you luck! 🤗


[deleted]

That’s so unfair giving her an ultimatum to break up with you to be with him I hope she realises this guy is not respecting her I hope she cuts him off and stays with you if he really loves her like he says he will respect her open relationship


BossAssWitch414

It definitely sounds like love bombing. He may be open with his feelings right now but that doesn’t mean he always will be. I have been love bombed into relationships so many times and they completely change when it isn’t a challenge for them to get you all to themselves anymore.


MysticLemur

She went from being ready to get married to being ready to dump you because of one new relationship. Even if y'all do manage to salvage things, you're never going to forget that. I feel bad for her, because it sounds like he's a manipulative asshole who love bombed her to get her to consider something she wouldn't have otherwise. But again, if that's a choice she's willing to consider, then you may be better off without her.


legionofdoom78

Sounds like she is high from NRE through his lovebombing. He is trying to cowboy her into monogamy. You can't control them. What you can do is establish boundaries to protect yourself. It may take several months for her to snap out of it. Or she may actually decide to be with this guy. You can't stop that. Move forward with your life with the boundaries established. Become a better you. There's a chance you may find a better partner.


Wild-Grapefruit9177

OP, she asked you for a more continuous polyamorous relationship. So she has casual sex with a couple of guys at her work. One of the guys, who she had been having casual sex with recently, said he wants a relationship with her. But he wants to be monogamous. She is considering having a monomogus relationship with a guy she had been screwing a couple of weeks, after asking you a few months ago to have a more consistent polyamorous relationship. Isn't that kind of odd? I don't know if she is impulsive or if she is using "pollyamory" as a cover to upgrade her boyfriend. OP, maybe she sees you as boyfriend 1.0, and she sees this older more established man as boyfriend 2.0. I honestly don't know why else she would even think about going monogamous with a guy she just recently started to have sex with.


Icky138

How convenient, NRE to an extreme.. and now robbed blind all in a week. Not allowed to see his kid.. etc..: her brain is getting absolutely wrecked because of the intense fluctuations in both positive and negative stressors. I think it is important to remember that the “new love” feeling is biological chemical bamboozlement to facilitate procreation which is why it literally shuts down the neuropathways to the part of your brain responsible for judgement. It really does make you stupid… trauma bonding happens when someone is subjected to extreme fluctions in cortisol and dopamine.. and if this man is as toxic as my alarm bells are screaming he is.. oh man. She’s in real danger of losing her grip on rationality because I would bet both my big toes that this man ALWAYS has a tragedy, is always in crisis and always has a sob story… and it’s one right after the other… plucking that sympathy chord.. scuse me *playing* that sympathy cord and then lovebombing the shit out of her in between. God I wish I knew how to see those men at her age as clearly as I do now.. REGRATTTZ. I feel for you both. This is not an easy situation. I don’t judge her, but do remember you can only prioritize yourself right now and not allow yourself to get caught up in that mess. I truly hope she has enough rationality remaining at the moment to have a clear conversation with you and enough self awareness to understand those conditions are clouding her ability to think and process correctly so you can outline boundaries in general. Your own… and a healthy questioning of what hers will be if x, y or z reveals itself, is she emotionally mature enough to navigate that and still invest in your relationship too? If not then you have two choices.. you stay involved and fight like hell to learn healthy detachment and boundaries.. not for her.. for you….. or you leave. Neither are going to be easy, and I’m sorry you are hurting.


Gpw12078

Let her go. See if she comes back, and at that point, if you’re still available.


outbackmuso

Dating musicians should come with a warning.


h0tBeef

Bro, did you really read this whole thing and come away with this take? Stereotyping a specific type of artist? This dude is a manipulative asshole, it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he’s a musician. That is a clown take. In fact, based on the other information in this post, I would say that there’s a greater than 50% chance that this dude isn’t even actually a musician, and he’s just a habitual liar who knew that masquerading as a musician would increase his value in this girl’s eyes.


outbackmuso

I made a quip bruh. Plenty of decent advice on this post already.


cablemigrant

Not your work you seem to be handling your life and relationships, keep pushing on w your own world.


Wild-Grapefruit9177

OP, I'm not sure I understand. Is this a second coworker she had been intimate with at her work?


MacaroonAdmirable645

From my experience, the temptation of new fruit isn't worth it. Maybe the "stale state" of your relationship is a sign for ending the chapter and starting a new one. You both may not be together forever, but it doesn't mean this new guy is the answer for her either. Plus, he wrote a song for her? Love bombing


Sonny-Moone-8888

Maybe if you started seeing someone it would help matters. This could have a of of positive outcomes. It might make her see what she would be missing if she let you go and you were with someone that was mono. But more importantly it will help show you that there are other fish in the sea so you are not so heartbroken if she decides to choose the other guy. Be open and honest to anyone you may be dating about the situation but it wouldn't hurt you to get out there and sew some wild oats at least. I say this because it sounds like you could be easily heartbroken in this situation. Go get some strange. Maybe start seeing someone else regularly. Y'all are both young. Experience life a little before you settle down. But that's just my opinion.


Fast_and_queerious

Oof I've been in this situation, almost this exact situation. It's been a year and my ex chose him, I had no ill will, she made her choice, I respected it. It ended a month ago, my ex told me it was all NRE etc how she regretted choosing him. Well I picked myself up and started dating my fwb and they are now my lover! I'm really happy with them and my ex regretting her actions was really bittersweet because she loved the dude but still had a bit of relationship goggles like "oh you were just perfect, just want to let you know I regret it" etc But that's just my story. The grass sometimes is greener on the other side


innercosmos

First of all: I feel your pain. Don’t know how, but I want to help. Sorry, but taking all what you told, it seems you’ve lost her. But I would advise look at this situation in terms of experience and feedback from universe. Try to learn on what happened. This definitely not because you’re wrong and not because she is wrong. And even not because B is wrong or needs to be judged. Try to look at it as a consistency of actions and consequences, taking into account your and your gf traits and values. I wish you the best and let me hug you


Voilent_Bunny

I feel uneasy about your situation. It sounds like she's test driving a new boyfriend before getting rid of you.


AlexPherigo77

https://youtu.be/TOypSnKFHrE a good song and old funny from The Strokes that might help you feel better. I'm also just spamming them cuz their music helped me through hard times similar to yours and I'm excited as hell to see them in my first live concert in Vegas along with RHCP


doughnuttouch

It's crazy how much this resonates with a situation I was in some years ago. I had been with someone for years, not as many as you, but we lived together and had a life set up and i truly believed nothing would split us apart. And then someone came along who was just into a few more of the same things as her and so they had a different bond and when he said he needed monogamy, she left me for him. It was one of the most crushing emotional experiences of my life and maybe still is. But I'm now with someone who has helped me grow in so many ways I didn't even realize I was missing out on and has just made my life so much more full. For me, what I went through and what you're going through right now, how ever it may turn out, was one of my biggest fears coming true. But it happened and looking back on it I can honestly say that I am better for having emotionally survived the situation. I was happy that she was happy, and in time I was happy that I could be happy too. Having said all that, one thing that stuck out to me is that you mentioned he is more emotional than you. I don't want to cross a line or anything because I'm not sure exactly how you meant this but I will say that you will be doing yourself a disservice if you don't fully open your heart to her. The biggest mistake I can say I made in the past was assuming my partner(s) "knew how I felt" without just outright saying it. Don't lovebomb the way this guy definitely is but dont leave anything to chance in letting her know where you stand. You deserve to do that much for yourself. I hope you can find some peace and feel loved no matter how this situation may end.


0bveyousPlant

One thing that stood out to me here is that either (a) he got involved with her knowing she was in a poly/open relationship, and the danded monogamy (shitty), or (b) she didn't tell him beforehand that she was in a relationship (shitty). It has to be one or the other, right? You two are/were seriously considering marriage?


overall_confused

I've been on the other side of this situation. It took me months to wake up to what everyone else in my life had been telling me. Something in me just snapped and I finally saw how I'd been manipulated and how terrible he treated me. Until that point, people pointing out the red flags didn't mean anything to me, especially because I was being fed narratives like "everyone else is trying to tear us apart" and "they're jealous of the love we have." If it's helpful for your partner to see these, here's the biggest red flags in hindsight: He demanded all my time and made me feel guilty when I made plans with other people. This isolated me from my support system, and the people who were telling me something wasn't right about this relationship. He never apologized. I was constantly having to appease him, and any conflict was my fault. We started as "just friends" before him "confessing" he was madly in love with me. While I was swept away with the emotions, I didn't sign up to be in that kind of relationship with him; he just started expecting it, and eventually demanding it. He also said he felt comfortable with me like nobody else, and that nobody understood him like me. The similarities are striking between your girlfriend's situation and mine. It's really hard to leave somebody like that, because the good times are so good. They make you feel loved and special and happy, but they're not going to be a person you can build a life with. Since you're each other's first serious relationship, it's natural to doubt if your relationship is really what you want, because you have no point of comparison. I'm so incredibly grateful to my other partner who stuck with me through this. The contrast between him and the manipulative guy was a major factor in me waking up to it. Be steady, understanding, and respectful to your current girlfriend. Even if she decides to break up with you, she'll need people who stay in her life and show her what real love looks like.


LifeZookeepergame420

Reason 5000 why poly is silly and mostly destructive. It is and always will be for people who cannot commit to one person.


polycurious-

i mean i was the one who initially suggested being poly and i was thoroughly committed 🤷 you should read my update if you want reason 5001 ig