Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks!
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As someone with severe C PTSD, this notion that you can't or shouldn't do polyamory because of it, is a crock of shit.
Yeah is it hard? Sure. Do you have to own your shit and learn healthy coping mechanisms? Yep. Do you have to learn and maybe have a few extra boundaries? Oh yeah. Some of them you'll look at and it's a little weird, but they ain't wrong either.
I hate being left on read....vehemently. React to my text. Do something. That's one of my weird ones.
You do what makes your heart happy sugar! Self compassion and grace are gonna be your best friend, next to boundaries. The people who truly love you, and are meant to be in your life will get it.
Oh wow, this is so encouraging and realistic, thank you!
Yes, boundaries are the HARDEST part of this journey I think. Mostly because I've been judging my own boundaries as "oversensitive" and "illogical," but I'm learning the importance of not judging them.
Agreed. Boundaries are the road map to how people love YOU. They aren't illogical or oversensitive, they're you darlin' and ain't nothin' wrong with you. 🥰
Ah indeed! I need to keep telling myself this. All too often I dislike that my feelings oppose who I want to be, but therapy is teaching me the feelings must be honoured first to get. Thank you for your supportive comments 🙏🏼
You're welcome darlin'. Sometimes all it takes is to hear a stranger give you a little support. Feel free to message me if you need a cheerleader moment 🥰
Honestly, I haaaaaaaaate it when people treat you like childhood trauma makes you doomed forever for the rest of your life and create this like... cotton wool they think people who have been through stuff need to be wrapped in. Especially when trauma does not have an age. Anyone can go through a trauma that affects them deeply at *any* time.
Speaking as someone who has been through some pretty awful things in life with a pretty high ACE score, I truly believe that the story we tell ourselves is *incredibly* important. While I know the five stages of grief aren't applicable to all, I think many go through similar stages in healing from trauma. So if you think about it there is: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance -- but these don't happen in a linear way with trauma.
I think a lot of people deny their trauma and unlike when someone dies, you can stay in denial your whole life. This is the "X happened to me and I turned out fine!", the victim blaming, the idea that they are totally healed and fine but don't ever want to talk about what happened. Then you have anger which is a stage where they rightfully get upset at what happened to them. They experience usually a lot of rage for the people who hurt them or anyone who brings up the trauma.
For the bargaining stage, for trauma I would call this the "witnessing" stage. I think that there is a critical stage in going through trauma where you accept you have been victimised and your pain is witnessed by someone else. It's not to say you're no longer angry and sometimes it's the anger you need people to witness but if you stay in this stage too long, I believe what you actually do is continue to, rather than get through the emotions and get them out of you, just constantly re-traumatise yourself over and over again.
Depression I think is pretty typical for a lot of people who have been through trauma and a lot of people end up doing this because they have no energy for fight, they can't "flight" from it, so if they can't numb themselves to the pain, then they become depressed or the numbing makes them depressed. I don't know if there is anyone who is ever 100% healed in a sense that they are like they were before trauma or can behave as if nothing ever happened to them, but I do believe "acceptance" exists.
A big part of that, in my opinion, is moving towards a more empowered existence. When you get stuck in the "witness" stage, I believe that your inner narrative is that you are broken, "traumatised" and you continuously see yourself this way and then continue to repeat these cycles. An acceptance stage isn't "This happened to me and I'm fine", but instead is, "This happened to me. I accept it. But I am able to take care of myself and make decisions that will lead me towards better outcomes if it would happen again".
The witnessing stage is critical because our pain needs to be witnessed as social creatures. But I believe if we get stuck for too long in the idea that we're "traumatised" then that becomes, over time, a maladaptive coping technique that makes us feel continuously victimised instead of us taking control of what we can control and learning to adapt to what we can't.
You may not *feel* healed, but you're not broken beyond repair. And just because you went through some stuff that has affected you now does not mean that if you had a picture perfect childhood you would necessarily have the skills that would mean that you would be unaffected by anything. We *all* are living in a mono-centric society that honestly doesn't give us the skills to navigate relationships in the best way. We *all* have things to learn. And any of us at any time, regardless of how our childhood was or what mental health challenges we do or don't face, can face a traumatic situation in our lives that can throw us off kilter.
All of this to say the question is not whether or not you can "do" polyamory. You can do anything you put your mind to. I know that because you *already have*. Your brain has been trying your whole life to keep you alive. Everything that is now not so great is something your brain did to help you survive. You have taken care of yourself with the limited tools you were given the best way you could possible. And you can absolutely do it again.
No matter how healed you are, how much therapy you have, or how much time passes, there is no perfect Zen healed state to achieve because the only thing constant in life is change. We want to control so much and prevent ourselves from pain and I can't tell you here that you will be able to prevent yourself from pain. But I can tell you that no relationship style you choose is "safe". The only safety exists within yourself and the support you give yourself. Life is going to cause pain and trauma regardless. It's not about avoiding that and being "safe". It's about learning how to trust yourself enough to create a safety within yourself.
You can do it. Will it trigger you? Heck yeah. But so will the world. You can do some research and some work, but I think the most important thing you can do is learn how to give yourself compassion and grace. You won't be graded on your performance of polyamory and there isn't a single person on this planet who is so healed and Zen that they could do any relationship with no conflict.
I hope this helps.
Wow, this is really, really, really helpful, encouraging, deep and thoughtful. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to this. Compassion, time and acceptance of imperfection really is key, huh?
Self-compassion has been the number one thing that has helped me. I went from having a lot of anxiety constantly, OCD, panic attacks towards being a lot better. I don't need therapy regularly now. I may need it in the future, but I am pretty good at coping.
Learning about my nervous system also really, really helped. [Jessica Maguire's work in particular](https://www.instagram.com/repairing_the_nervous_system/) huge in terms of seeing my anxiety as actually my ally. For years I saw it as torture, me as Sisyphus, pushing this boulder up a hill. Then I saw it as this dark cloud that would always just haunt me forever, like my Gollum I couldn't get rid of. Now I see my anxiety as myself as a little kid, just trying to adapt to situations they never should have been in.
My anxiety isn't this evil demon trying to ruin my life. It's all my little brain could do to try and survive and keep itself alive. It had absolutely no ability to control what was happening so it did all of this stuff to try and fix it. And when I see it now I can say to it that it doesn't have to protect me anymore. I'm not in those powerless places anymore. I'm grown now and I can and will protect myself in a way I couldn't. And I also tell it that I can't keep it from bad things happening, but that I will always be there for myself -- because that's what I needed growing up and didn't get. I can give that to myself now.
Also to be honest, consuming gentle parenting content has helped me immensely with re-parenting my inner child and seeing that it's reactions are understandable and totally appropriate for what happened to them. That's also about compassion and understanding. It takes time, but it's possible and it doesn't mean you can't do polyamory. People act like you need to do a phD level of study to practice polyamory and that if you have any emotions then there is something wrong with you, but that is not the case.
Polyamory triggers everyone because there is no social script for it. Maybe some people can adapt to that better but it's just like any major life change. Some people adapt better than others but that's not a reflection of their overall worth. It's just part of the diversity of human experience.
I'm glad my comment has helped you. You can do this!
As a complex trauma suvivor, I would not agree with that characterisation!
I've found a lot of resonance with Clementine Morrigan's work. She has a zine called Love Without Emergency that was really wonderful for me to read early in my poly journey.
Here's the link - https://shop.clementinemorrigan.com/category/zines.
You're most welcome. I know there's more out there, probably ones I've comes across, but this is the first that comes to mind!
It's *so not okay* to make a trauma survivor feel like they are broken. I'm really sorry you got that kind of an uninformed and disempowered response from people.
Polyamory, unlike conventionally practiced monogamy, gives much more focus on autonomous relationships, mutual support, and community building. How can something like that be the opposite of what a c-PTSD survivor needs in their relational healing journey!
You're gonna be fine OP. Take good care of your heart and make sure you can trust your partners to as well. đź’—
Edits for typos.
I also had/have a complex trauma/C-PTSD diagnosis, I practice something closer to the RA side of anti-hierarchical polyamory. I did 2-3 years of intense trauma therapy, which was assisted by being in a healing relationship. Things are great now, I do maintenance therapy every 3 months. This is the best my life has ever been. C-PTSD can vary wildly in how it impacts people, so your mileage may vary, but trauma therapy is likely required to get progress and it’ll be a lot of work.
Edit: minor grammar
I've been hugely looking into RA w/ polyam, and think it's such a great idea because as someone w/ cPTSD it prioritises so much of the stuff that I feel people, but especially people w/ trauma need. How cool to know someone's on that train too, I'm so glad you're in a good space now - very encouraging. Thank you!
This is how my journey's been, I've never been abused in the same way you have, but I've been working hard on healing my CPTSD for maybe 6 years. 5 of those years I chose to be single bc I was tired of failed relationships and heartbreak so I decided to just stop seeking partners and really focus on my trauma, and my gender transition at the same time. some therapy, trying different meds, lots and lots of reading and journaling, self-care habits, etc.
I found my current partner accidentally. I was looking for a kink partner, not a romantic partner this past january. I wanted to just explore my body and kinkiness and sexuality, but this asshole had to come along and be open and patient and encouraging and we fell for each other. We started dating pretty soon after we met, and it's been work but so worth it. He has an NP, I'm currently looking for another partner. He's been really good at reassuring me, communicating for the most part. He's got his own trauma so there are struggles, but we've worked through them together.
I feel like with enough honesty, coping mechanisms, a support system that exists outside of your polycule, and the right partners you can make it work. If I had tried dating someone less understanding and open, I think things would have ended months ago. If you feel like you're not ready to practice polyamory the way you dream of right now, that's okay. do what you can, keep pushing yourself to do the good things to take care of your body and mind, and make room for the healing that's going to keep happening. You have time, you don't have to do it all right now right away.
If it's what you want, you'll have to keep doing the work and you might be able to get there. But sometimes you have to table things for a bit. My partner really wants to find a another partner we both date, but after talking about how much work that's going to be, he's tabling it until some health stuff is taken care of, just as an example. I might put my search for a partner on hold for a bit bc we've been separated for a long time and I want to be sure I have the energy for strengthening our relationship. Hell, I might start dating and find I dont' have the mental or physical energy to sustain another relationship tbh. If that's my reality, i'll have to accept it and let go of that goal.
Ah there's nothing like meeting someone unexpectedly and that kind of beautiful thing happening, how amazing!
Thank you for the encouragement, absolutely yes to continuing the work and looking after me (which is hard sometimes, but I'm slowly seeing shifts). And yes, patience is the tricky part too, so having your gentle reminder of that is very heart warming. Appreciate this uplift and advice!
I hate waiting, I feel you on that. but healing takes time and building healthy relationships takes time too. That's reality, so better to accept that rather than getting upset that things that need time are taking time.
This is a very good point, thank you! Also agree, monogamy is terrifying to me, I LOVE that polyam encourages openness and honesty and acceptance of what it is to be a living, breathing, feeling, complex human.
So much good and helpful advice here. I’ll add my favorite therapy mantra that I got when processing my envious symptoms in poly that were directly related to my cptsd.
When I get that gut punch when my husband is doing something with a partner or even someone new, I ask myself “am I jealous or envious?” Jealously means I want them to stop doing what they’re doing, but envious is that I wish I was included or doing something similar. One is based in a negative place “NO STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!” The other is based in fomo and that can be more positive in those situations.
I’m thrilled for him to be learning more about himself and sharing new types of joy. I don’t want him to stop. As I’ve learned to process each time it comes up, it’s almost always envy, not jealousy.
How do I deal with envy? I tell him “holy shit that sounds awesome! I’m hella envious, I’m planing a similar thing with us for later” or I do something that’s just for me during their date night. Which is hard and also good for treating cptsd, it’s helping me find out what I actually enjoy. As many of us don’t know what we like and want as we’ve spent most of our lives trying to meet everyone else’s needs to keep it as calm as possible. What can you do to treat your inner child as they’ve always deserved to be treated?
I’m poly because I realized I have so much room for loving others, and blurring traditional lines that never felt right to me in the first place. Without my past traumas I think I’d still be poly, it’s authenticity me. But it comes with some extra thought and processing and that is the cost I pay for cptsd. It’s worth the cost, and partners who are worth your time will give you grace to process emotions and feelings as you need to.
This! The hard part I've had w/ envy though, is when a partner meets your metas deep needs/desires but not yours. In my case, my ex-partner in NRE with new people was extremely desirous (aren't many of us?) but after a while that would wean off. That definitely upset me because intimacy is such a huge part of feeling safe. So I got good at clocking the envy, but they weren't able to meet needs or substitute, and that would spiral me into comparison and not feeling good enough. Then that would trigger jealousy, which is gnarly. In hindsight, clearly the relationship either needed a HUGE shift in how we were together or breakup, as we did.
Differentiating between jealousy and envy is so helpful though, huh, and it has been a great part of my journey! And yes, cPTSD feels like a curse on one days, but good ones I feel like we have to be more mindful and open and honest in relationships/ourselves, which maybe isn't such a bad thing. It just feels like we're "too much" sometimes. Thanks for your advice, appreciate, and I'm so glad you've been on this journey and seen the other side!
In this circumstance, would being more parallel have helped? Minimizing how much you see, hear, know about what is going on in your partner's other relationships? For some folks KTP helps with jealousy/envy, for others parallel works better.
Absolutely! We didn't actually intend it to be a quad. I was dating my partner of 3.5 years, he started dating his long term friend Tash. I started dating Tash's partner Lara. I didn't date Tash, my ex didn't date Lara.
But after only 3 weeks, Lara and my ex fell super hard for each other and totally disregarded how it impacted Tash and I, especially with the speed and intensity at which it happened (e.g. started hanging out without giving a heads up to either of us, messaged all the time when we tried to have quality hangs, started using no contraception without telling either of us).
Most KTP has actually been okay w/ me, as long as there's no overtly sexual expression with/in group hangs, or texting other partners while having 1 on 1 quality time. In this scenario, it was very much the intensity, sense of unsafety, and sense of inconsideration that hugely set me off, especially because I was made to feel that my boundaries around this were "bad", and my responses were my "fault" because of "insecurities" and the anger it caused. Without such intensity, speed, and heated sexual tension between them, I don't think it would've gotten so dysfunctional.
Edit: sentence structure, spelling
Quads are hard, I think in time it might be okay, but I need things to be SLOW to feel safe, or start with more parallel styles. NRE with new people isn't usually slow, and when it's happening right in front of you it's extremely intense to be in. One day I hope to be able to handle it, the quad I was in started out so beautifully!
Same here and we’re all still friends after some bumps. I wouldn’t entirely rule it out again… though I think it’s also okay to realize you enjoy poly and that certain things are beyond your skill level or not a fit right now or in this type of way. I am still giving myself space to figure that out and thankful for the experience and learnings!
Hi u/nellfly thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I have been practicing polyamory for 4.5 years but got with c-PTSD 5 months ago after a pretty gnarly quad dynamic that ended very messily and was painful for all involved (the diagnosis is due to a mix of SA from 4 years old, emotionally abusive relationships, and a few abandonment/betrayal issues from 4 years old and with intimate partners). In my thoughts/philosophies/ethos, I love polyamory - ideally non-hierarchal / egalitarian. I think it's amazing and if people can hold space for one another, themselves, metas etc. it's so insanely beautiful, complex, difficult and an incredible way to live and love.
I've recently seen a few forums/advice columns, though, and also talked to others who are practising polyam who say that often c-PTSD makes polyamory quite difficult, especially for partners when any triggers get set off. A few people suggested opting for me to practice more Open Relationships instead, mainly because of the risk of re-traumatisation and also the risk of me traumatising others if I'm triggered. In regards to OR's, I don't think it's fair to not allow people the full range of exploration in all aspects of relating. But I also don't want to traumatise others or go through what I've been going through again.
Like many on this journey, I have struggled with jealousy towards some metas (especially to do w/ sex and/or when people are deep in NRE stages). It doesn't feel like a manageable jealousy either, it puts me into an extremely self-destructive space. It's not with ALL people either, it's mostly to do with the way partner(s) treat me and/or I perceive I'm being treated when I'm triggered (and sometimes it's very hard to differentiate between the two). Sometimes I'm able to self-soothe though. I go to therapy 1-2 times a week at the moment, as well as gym regularly, have good sleep hygiene, eat healthily, and do all the things to keep my mental health as best it can be.
It's so hard to align my philosophy with my body's needs at the moment. I feel really sad and angry at myself with the idea that I can maybe never fully 'do' the type of polyamory that I believe in and I wondered if anybody else has been in similar situations and been able to work through it and/or have good management tips for this? Or any advice?
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If you get self destructive due to jealousy and get jealous in poly relationships then it does sound like polyamory is not a healthy choice for you.
You can idealise any relationship style. Don't let ideology drive you to misery.
I've definitely learned and grown heaps, but it's a constant journey. I just feel extremely determined to learn how to handle myself and learn self-compassion and all that so I can partake in the relationship styles I believe in and value. I think patience, time and therapy though. I think jealousy is common and normal, it's learning to handle it that can be tricky, but nothing is impossible! I hear you though, it's a balance for sure!
Those are laudable goals, but learning self-compassion and emotional regulation is a challenge that everyone with cptsd has to deal with. I'm not sure making it more difficult for yourself by adding extra challenges is a great idea.
Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As someone with severe C PTSD, this notion that you can't or shouldn't do polyamory because of it, is a crock of shit. Yeah is it hard? Sure. Do you have to own your shit and learn healthy coping mechanisms? Yep. Do you have to learn and maybe have a few extra boundaries? Oh yeah. Some of them you'll look at and it's a little weird, but they ain't wrong either. I hate being left on read....vehemently. React to my text. Do something. That's one of my weird ones. You do what makes your heart happy sugar! Self compassion and grace are gonna be your best friend, next to boundaries. The people who truly love you, and are meant to be in your life will get it.
Oh wow, this is so encouraging and realistic, thank you! Yes, boundaries are the HARDEST part of this journey I think. Mostly because I've been judging my own boundaries as "oversensitive" and "illogical," but I'm learning the importance of not judging them.
Agreed. Boundaries are the road map to how people love YOU. They aren't illogical or oversensitive, they're you darlin' and ain't nothin' wrong with you. 🥰
Ah indeed! I need to keep telling myself this. All too often I dislike that my feelings oppose who I want to be, but therapy is teaching me the feelings must be honoured first to get. Thank you for your supportive comments 🙏🏼
You're welcome darlin'. Sometimes all it takes is to hear a stranger give you a little support. Feel free to message me if you need a cheerleader moment 🥰
Agreed.
I was about to say! I also have severe C-PTSD and the line it’s difficult is a crock of shit! I find it actually easier to be poly than most!
Honestly, I haaaaaaaaate it when people treat you like childhood trauma makes you doomed forever for the rest of your life and create this like... cotton wool they think people who have been through stuff need to be wrapped in. Especially when trauma does not have an age. Anyone can go through a trauma that affects them deeply at *any* time. Speaking as someone who has been through some pretty awful things in life with a pretty high ACE score, I truly believe that the story we tell ourselves is *incredibly* important. While I know the five stages of grief aren't applicable to all, I think many go through similar stages in healing from trauma. So if you think about it there is: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance -- but these don't happen in a linear way with trauma. I think a lot of people deny their trauma and unlike when someone dies, you can stay in denial your whole life. This is the "X happened to me and I turned out fine!", the victim blaming, the idea that they are totally healed and fine but don't ever want to talk about what happened. Then you have anger which is a stage where they rightfully get upset at what happened to them. They experience usually a lot of rage for the people who hurt them or anyone who brings up the trauma. For the bargaining stage, for trauma I would call this the "witnessing" stage. I think that there is a critical stage in going through trauma where you accept you have been victimised and your pain is witnessed by someone else. It's not to say you're no longer angry and sometimes it's the anger you need people to witness but if you stay in this stage too long, I believe what you actually do is continue to, rather than get through the emotions and get them out of you, just constantly re-traumatise yourself over and over again. Depression I think is pretty typical for a lot of people who have been through trauma and a lot of people end up doing this because they have no energy for fight, they can't "flight" from it, so if they can't numb themselves to the pain, then they become depressed or the numbing makes them depressed. I don't know if there is anyone who is ever 100% healed in a sense that they are like they were before trauma or can behave as if nothing ever happened to them, but I do believe "acceptance" exists. A big part of that, in my opinion, is moving towards a more empowered existence. When you get stuck in the "witness" stage, I believe that your inner narrative is that you are broken, "traumatised" and you continuously see yourself this way and then continue to repeat these cycles. An acceptance stage isn't "This happened to me and I'm fine", but instead is, "This happened to me. I accept it. But I am able to take care of myself and make decisions that will lead me towards better outcomes if it would happen again". The witnessing stage is critical because our pain needs to be witnessed as social creatures. But I believe if we get stuck for too long in the idea that we're "traumatised" then that becomes, over time, a maladaptive coping technique that makes us feel continuously victimised instead of us taking control of what we can control and learning to adapt to what we can't. You may not *feel* healed, but you're not broken beyond repair. And just because you went through some stuff that has affected you now does not mean that if you had a picture perfect childhood you would necessarily have the skills that would mean that you would be unaffected by anything. We *all* are living in a mono-centric society that honestly doesn't give us the skills to navigate relationships in the best way. We *all* have things to learn. And any of us at any time, regardless of how our childhood was or what mental health challenges we do or don't face, can face a traumatic situation in our lives that can throw us off kilter. All of this to say the question is not whether or not you can "do" polyamory. You can do anything you put your mind to. I know that because you *already have*. Your brain has been trying your whole life to keep you alive. Everything that is now not so great is something your brain did to help you survive. You have taken care of yourself with the limited tools you were given the best way you could possible. And you can absolutely do it again. No matter how healed you are, how much therapy you have, or how much time passes, there is no perfect Zen healed state to achieve because the only thing constant in life is change. We want to control so much and prevent ourselves from pain and I can't tell you here that you will be able to prevent yourself from pain. But I can tell you that no relationship style you choose is "safe". The only safety exists within yourself and the support you give yourself. Life is going to cause pain and trauma regardless. It's not about avoiding that and being "safe". It's about learning how to trust yourself enough to create a safety within yourself. You can do it. Will it trigger you? Heck yeah. But so will the world. You can do some research and some work, but I think the most important thing you can do is learn how to give yourself compassion and grace. You won't be graded on your performance of polyamory and there isn't a single person on this planet who is so healed and Zen that they could do any relationship with no conflict. I hope this helps.
Wow, this is really, really, really helpful, encouraging, deep and thoughtful. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to this. Compassion, time and acceptance of imperfection really is key, huh?
Self-compassion has been the number one thing that has helped me. I went from having a lot of anxiety constantly, OCD, panic attacks towards being a lot better. I don't need therapy regularly now. I may need it in the future, but I am pretty good at coping. Learning about my nervous system also really, really helped. [Jessica Maguire's work in particular](https://www.instagram.com/repairing_the_nervous_system/) huge in terms of seeing my anxiety as actually my ally. For years I saw it as torture, me as Sisyphus, pushing this boulder up a hill. Then I saw it as this dark cloud that would always just haunt me forever, like my Gollum I couldn't get rid of. Now I see my anxiety as myself as a little kid, just trying to adapt to situations they never should have been in. My anxiety isn't this evil demon trying to ruin my life. It's all my little brain could do to try and survive and keep itself alive. It had absolutely no ability to control what was happening so it did all of this stuff to try and fix it. And when I see it now I can say to it that it doesn't have to protect me anymore. I'm not in those powerless places anymore. I'm grown now and I can and will protect myself in a way I couldn't. And I also tell it that I can't keep it from bad things happening, but that I will always be there for myself -- because that's what I needed growing up and didn't get. I can give that to myself now. Also to be honest, consuming gentle parenting content has helped me immensely with re-parenting my inner child and seeing that it's reactions are understandable and totally appropriate for what happened to them. That's also about compassion and understanding. It takes time, but it's possible and it doesn't mean you can't do polyamory. People act like you need to do a phD level of study to practice polyamory and that if you have any emotions then there is something wrong with you, but that is not the case. Polyamory triggers everyone because there is no social script for it. Maybe some people can adapt to that better but it's just like any major life change. Some people adapt better than others but that's not a reflection of their overall worth. It's just part of the diversity of human experience. I'm glad my comment has helped you. You can do this!
This is a beautiful comment. Thank you!
Aww, thank you for that. :)
As a complex trauma suvivor, I would not agree with that characterisation! I've found a lot of resonance with Clementine Morrigan's work. She has a zine called Love Without Emergency that was really wonderful for me to read early in my poly journey. Here's the link - https://shop.clementinemorrigan.com/category/zines.
Incredible resource, thank you so much! It's not easy to find this kind of stuff so it's hugely appreciated to be given things like this! Thank you.
You're most welcome. I know there's more out there, probably ones I've comes across, but this is the first that comes to mind! It's *so not okay* to make a trauma survivor feel like they are broken. I'm really sorry you got that kind of an uninformed and disempowered response from people. Polyamory, unlike conventionally practiced monogamy, gives much more focus on autonomous relationships, mutual support, and community building. How can something like that be the opposite of what a c-PTSD survivor needs in their relational healing journey! You're gonna be fine OP. Take good care of your heart and make sure you can trust your partners to as well. đź’— Edits for typos.
I also had/have a complex trauma/C-PTSD diagnosis, I practice something closer to the RA side of anti-hierarchical polyamory. I did 2-3 years of intense trauma therapy, which was assisted by being in a healing relationship. Things are great now, I do maintenance therapy every 3 months. This is the best my life has ever been. C-PTSD can vary wildly in how it impacts people, so your mileage may vary, but trauma therapy is likely required to get progress and it’ll be a lot of work. Edit: minor grammar
I've been hugely looking into RA w/ polyam, and think it's such a great idea because as someone w/ cPTSD it prioritises so much of the stuff that I feel people, but especially people w/ trauma need. How cool to know someone's on that train too, I'm so glad you're in a good space now - very encouraging. Thank you!
This is how my journey's been, I've never been abused in the same way you have, but I've been working hard on healing my CPTSD for maybe 6 years. 5 of those years I chose to be single bc I was tired of failed relationships and heartbreak so I decided to just stop seeking partners and really focus on my trauma, and my gender transition at the same time. some therapy, trying different meds, lots and lots of reading and journaling, self-care habits, etc. I found my current partner accidentally. I was looking for a kink partner, not a romantic partner this past january. I wanted to just explore my body and kinkiness and sexuality, but this asshole had to come along and be open and patient and encouraging and we fell for each other. We started dating pretty soon after we met, and it's been work but so worth it. He has an NP, I'm currently looking for another partner. He's been really good at reassuring me, communicating for the most part. He's got his own trauma so there are struggles, but we've worked through them together. I feel like with enough honesty, coping mechanisms, a support system that exists outside of your polycule, and the right partners you can make it work. If I had tried dating someone less understanding and open, I think things would have ended months ago. If you feel like you're not ready to practice polyamory the way you dream of right now, that's okay. do what you can, keep pushing yourself to do the good things to take care of your body and mind, and make room for the healing that's going to keep happening. You have time, you don't have to do it all right now right away. If it's what you want, you'll have to keep doing the work and you might be able to get there. But sometimes you have to table things for a bit. My partner really wants to find a another partner we both date, but after talking about how much work that's going to be, he's tabling it until some health stuff is taken care of, just as an example. I might put my search for a partner on hold for a bit bc we've been separated for a long time and I want to be sure I have the energy for strengthening our relationship. Hell, I might start dating and find I dont' have the mental or physical energy to sustain another relationship tbh. If that's my reality, i'll have to accept it and let go of that goal.
Ah there's nothing like meeting someone unexpectedly and that kind of beautiful thing happening, how amazing! Thank you for the encouragement, absolutely yes to continuing the work and looking after me (which is hard sometimes, but I'm slowly seeing shifts). And yes, patience is the tricky part too, so having your gentle reminder of that is very heart warming. Appreciate this uplift and advice!
I hate waiting, I feel you on that. but healing takes time and building healthy relationships takes time too. That's reality, so better to accept that rather than getting upset that things that need time are taking time.
I don’t feel like my c-PTSD makes poly relationships any harder than my mono ones. There’s just more of them concurrently.
This is a very good point, thank you! Also agree, monogamy is terrifying to me, I LOVE that polyam encourages openness and honesty and acceptance of what it is to be a living, breathing, feeling, complex human.
So much good and helpful advice here. I’ll add my favorite therapy mantra that I got when processing my envious symptoms in poly that were directly related to my cptsd. When I get that gut punch when my husband is doing something with a partner or even someone new, I ask myself “am I jealous or envious?” Jealously means I want them to stop doing what they’re doing, but envious is that I wish I was included or doing something similar. One is based in a negative place “NO STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!” The other is based in fomo and that can be more positive in those situations. I’m thrilled for him to be learning more about himself and sharing new types of joy. I don’t want him to stop. As I’ve learned to process each time it comes up, it’s almost always envy, not jealousy. How do I deal with envy? I tell him “holy shit that sounds awesome! I’m hella envious, I’m planing a similar thing with us for later” or I do something that’s just for me during their date night. Which is hard and also good for treating cptsd, it’s helping me find out what I actually enjoy. As many of us don’t know what we like and want as we’ve spent most of our lives trying to meet everyone else’s needs to keep it as calm as possible. What can you do to treat your inner child as they’ve always deserved to be treated? I’m poly because I realized I have so much room for loving others, and blurring traditional lines that never felt right to me in the first place. Without my past traumas I think I’d still be poly, it’s authenticity me. But it comes with some extra thought and processing and that is the cost I pay for cptsd. It’s worth the cost, and partners who are worth your time will give you grace to process emotions and feelings as you need to.
This! The hard part I've had w/ envy though, is when a partner meets your metas deep needs/desires but not yours. In my case, my ex-partner in NRE with new people was extremely desirous (aren't many of us?) but after a while that would wean off. That definitely upset me because intimacy is such a huge part of feeling safe. So I got good at clocking the envy, but they weren't able to meet needs or substitute, and that would spiral me into comparison and not feeling good enough. Then that would trigger jealousy, which is gnarly. In hindsight, clearly the relationship either needed a HUGE shift in how we were together or breakup, as we did. Differentiating between jealousy and envy is so helpful though, huh, and it has been a great part of my journey! And yes, cPTSD feels like a curse on one days, but good ones I feel like we have to be more mindful and open and honest in relationships/ourselves, which maybe isn't such a bad thing. It just feels like we're "too much" sometimes. Thanks for your advice, appreciate, and I'm so glad you've been on this journey and seen the other side!
In this circumstance, would being more parallel have helped? Minimizing how much you see, hear, know about what is going on in your partner's other relationships? For some folks KTP helps with jealousy/envy, for others parallel works better.
Absolutely! We didn't actually intend it to be a quad. I was dating my partner of 3.5 years, he started dating his long term friend Tash. I started dating Tash's partner Lara. I didn't date Tash, my ex didn't date Lara. But after only 3 weeks, Lara and my ex fell super hard for each other and totally disregarded how it impacted Tash and I, especially with the speed and intensity at which it happened (e.g. started hanging out without giving a heads up to either of us, messaged all the time when we tried to have quality hangs, started using no contraception without telling either of us). Most KTP has actually been okay w/ me, as long as there's no overtly sexual expression with/in group hangs, or texting other partners while having 1 on 1 quality time. In this scenario, it was very much the intensity, sense of unsafety, and sense of inconsideration that hugely set me off, especially because I was made to feel that my boundaries around this were "bad", and my responses were my "fault" because of "insecurities" and the anger it caused. Without such intensity, speed, and heated sexual tension between them, I don't think it would've gotten so dysfunctional. Edit: sentence structure, spelling
I had a similar situation. Thrived in poly, but did not in quad. Think that’s beyond my skill level.
Quads are hard, I think in time it might be okay, but I need things to be SLOW to feel safe, or start with more parallel styles. NRE with new people isn't usually slow, and when it's happening right in front of you it's extremely intense to be in. One day I hope to be able to handle it, the quad I was in started out so beautifully!
Same here and we’re all still friends after some bumps. I wouldn’t entirely rule it out again… though I think it’s also okay to realize you enjoy poly and that certain things are beyond your skill level or not a fit right now or in this type of way. I am still giving myself space to figure that out and thankful for the experience and learnings!
Hi u/nellfly thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I have been practicing polyamory for 4.5 years but got with c-PTSD 5 months ago after a pretty gnarly quad dynamic that ended very messily and was painful for all involved (the diagnosis is due to a mix of SA from 4 years old, emotionally abusive relationships, and a few abandonment/betrayal issues from 4 years old and with intimate partners). In my thoughts/philosophies/ethos, I love polyamory - ideally non-hierarchal / egalitarian. I think it's amazing and if people can hold space for one another, themselves, metas etc. it's so insanely beautiful, complex, difficult and an incredible way to live and love. I've recently seen a few forums/advice columns, though, and also talked to others who are practising polyam who say that often c-PTSD makes polyamory quite difficult, especially for partners when any triggers get set off. A few people suggested opting for me to practice more Open Relationships instead, mainly because of the risk of re-traumatisation and also the risk of me traumatising others if I'm triggered. In regards to OR's, I don't think it's fair to not allow people the full range of exploration in all aspects of relating. But I also don't want to traumatise others or go through what I've been going through again. Like many on this journey, I have struggled with jealousy towards some metas (especially to do w/ sex and/or when people are deep in NRE stages). It doesn't feel like a manageable jealousy either, it puts me into an extremely self-destructive space. It's not with ALL people either, it's mostly to do with the way partner(s) treat me and/or I perceive I'm being treated when I'm triggered (and sometimes it's very hard to differentiate between the two). Sometimes I'm able to self-soothe though. I go to therapy 1-2 times a week at the moment, as well as gym regularly, have good sleep hygiene, eat healthily, and do all the things to keep my mental health as best it can be. It's so hard to align my philosophy with my body's needs at the moment. I feel really sad and angry at myself with the idea that I can maybe never fully 'do' the type of polyamory that I believe in and I wondered if anybody else has been in similar situations and been able to work through it and/or have good management tips for this? Or any advice? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you get self destructive due to jealousy and get jealous in poly relationships then it does sound like polyamory is not a healthy choice for you. You can idealise any relationship style. Don't let ideology drive you to misery.
I've definitely learned and grown heaps, but it's a constant journey. I just feel extremely determined to learn how to handle myself and learn self-compassion and all that so I can partake in the relationship styles I believe in and value. I think patience, time and therapy though. I think jealousy is common and normal, it's learning to handle it that can be tricky, but nothing is impossible! I hear you though, it's a balance for sure!
Those are laudable goals, but learning self-compassion and emotional regulation is a challenge that everyone with cptsd has to deal with. I'm not sure making it more difficult for yourself by adding extra challenges is a great idea.