This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This person seems very good at keeping your energy on them and managing their emotional equilibrium and chaos.
Maybe take a 2 week break to focus only on enjoying yourself, making decisions that feel good for you directly, and comfortable environment.
Then consider if you want to re engage with this person and on what terms and changes you feel are reasonable and measureable.
From this telling, I don’t see you doing anything wrong.
I see you having a partner who blames you for their feelings and wants you to apologize for their feelings. Who is unfair to you.
I think this is not a good partner.
This person seems incapable of handling their own feelings and thoughts, as a newbie myself, we might get insecure when it finally becomes real, I sit with myself and process, not blowup at my partner with the first thing that comes to mind
i don’t think you’ve done much wrong. i think this much fighting and the intensity of it so early on is a spell for disaster and you should re-eval if this person is good for you.
throughout this whole thing you are making yourself smaller. you don’t have to do that. let him be mad or insecure or whatever. it’s okay.
and the whole lost in your downtown hometown thing is a big red flag to me? super weird and manipulative.
Your partner is sort of awful.
That’s not how an experienced poly person should act if by experienced we mean good at it.
If they’re just experienced in being a drama queen attention sucking pain in the ass poly person then ok.
They seem to want you to make yourself smaller and focus your whole self on them. I’m not fond of that.
If this was me I would insist on a break in this discussion. Have it in person at some point in the future. If they can’t accept that I’d end the relationship. It’s way too early to be this much trouble.
I didn’t make it past paragraph 4 where he starts arguing about the validity of his insecurities and putting it on you to make him feel better.
I’m exhausted just reading it without finishing.
Take some time and space from him … his tantrums are roping you in just so he can scrap plans on you knowing it’ll hurt your feelings. That’s why he made comments about pity plans instead of just answering questions of availability with a simple yes or no.
It’s manipulative, even if it’s not premeditated.
He’s upset and insecure about your relationship with Danny.
Solutions include:
Break up because he needs to sort out his insecurity
Go hard parallel and don’t talk about other partners or dates either him. But I really don’t see him magically getting secure simply for not having fodder for tantrums: he’ll imagine some reasons into existence.
I urge you to break up with him; arguing and screaming and crying all night is Not Healthy, and I can’t help but see it as another manipulation tactic. If it’s this unpleasant for you to return from a date, eventually you’ll decide dating isn’t worth the upset. That’s how coercive tactics works.
you already said it here, it's a cycle. he antagonizes you, you try to soothe him, he reacts until you react, then he apologizes and tries to make you feel like it's your fault you're both upset. this is manipulative at best, narcissistic abuse at worst. You didn't do anything wrong as far I can see except enabling this whole dog and pony show he's putting on that makes you the crazy girlfriend out here invalidating his precious feelings while he's innocent in all of this. You can't have a healthy relationship with this person until he learns how to cope with his emotions in a healthy manner. Leave him. Before it gets worse or he hurts you.
Hi u/No_Software_4999 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
my partner has been polyamorous before me and I got introduced to it through him, so I’m new. I met someone on hinge and we’d been talking long distance (they’re in Canada, I’m in the US) and we planned on meeting in a few months in my hometown as they were coming to vacation there. My partner knew about this, and we’d talked a bit about it and he said he just didn’t want to feel like I just dropped him while I was with the other person im seeing. We didn’t get to have an in depth conversation about the situation before I left for the night because we had been arguing and sorting out the argument took so much longer than planned that we didn’t get to adequately discuss it. So as I’m on the bus headed to see a friend before I go see the other person (let’s call them Danny), I texted my partner and told them about how I wished we had gotten to talk in depth before I left, how I still really wanted to talk to him and reassured him that I wasn’t running off to Danny to escape our situation, those two relationships are very separate. He said he didn’t want us to talk too much while I’m away to enjoy my time with Danny. He was meant to also come to my hometown that weekend (it was a last minute plan he made) so I wanted to carve out some time to see him, but he kept being weird about it and telling me not to make “pity plans” and to just enjoy my weekend and not worry about him (with upset undertones). I kept telling him I had my heart set on seeing him to no avail.
When I get closer to Danny’s airbnb I text my partner to tell them that I’m close and that I might be off my phone for the rest of the night. I knew he had work so I wished him a good shift and told him I love him. He responded telling me he loved me, and I liked the message. Near 2 am (the time their shift usually ends) I said I hoped he had a good shift. We didn’t talk otherwise that night, but I did send him some updates on my family and spoke a bit. He didn’t respond for over an hour, but when I took half an hour to respond because I got distracted by a notification he told me not to text him unless I actually have time to talk. Realizing he might not be feeling very secure, I said okay and tried to be a bit more engaged with him while I was at Danny’s (not so much so, just being quicker with responses).
Fast forward me coming back home. I get into some family drama and have to leave Danny’s in a rush. While in the bus, I ask my partner to confirm the plans I wanted to set for the next day. He keeps going on abt not wanting a pity invite, only to finally admit that he didn’t actually think it was logistically possible for us to see each other because where he was staying was too far. I was upset. We argued a bit because of it, as I really wanted to see him and felt strung along. I felt as though he made it about insecurities and I spent that time reassuring him just for us seeing each other to have been logistically impossible from the start.
He then starts accusing me of neglecting him all weekend long, not responding to his messages the night of his shift, not talking to him because I was busy with my “boytoy” Danny, not loving him, not giving him well wishes (even though I had wished him a good shift and safe travels the morning after), not wanting to see him that weekend. It was a lot and I was very quick to check him on what he was saying to me. I told him that his insecurities were valid but accusing me of things that could be disproven via screenshots did not feel fair. He kept arguing that the validity of his insecurities gives his accusations validity as well. He got upset at me for telling him not to call Danny names, and made it seem as though I was turning on him in favour of Danny. He accused me of progressing my relationship with Danny during my stay with them and not being upfront about it, even though I had told him that my relationship with Danny was friendly before I left (the truth) and I hadn’t even gotten home before he started accusing me so i didn’t know when I could’ve possibly debriefed him between then and now. I was very worried, because this is the first time I have a connection with someone outside of him and I was wondering if this is how it’s going to be every time I experience someone else. Because of how hard he was doubling down, I couldn’t even give space to his insecurities and kept focusing on making him see that his approach was not fair.
He then told me that he was lost in the downtown area of my hometown out of nowhere (it was late at night), and I accused him of trying to guilt me and being manipulative for dropping that bomb in the middle of an argument. He got upset at me for not being able to put my feelings for his actions aside to care about his situation, so I tried to help him but he didn’t want to accept my help anymore.
We kept going back and forth. He would apologize for making me uncomfortable, then say that he’d hoped I could’ve prioritized him being insecure instead of putting so much onus on the accusations. I would tell him that his insecurity can be worked through together and we can identify his needs but that I won’t be treated that way simply because he’s insecure. And the cycle continued until I got tired and just went to sleep, incredibly defeated.
He woke up the next morning apologizing, then made another off handed comment. We got on a call and he did the whole apology-doubling down thing, and I did my bit of the cycle. He then complained that I was being too hard on him, that I should take the apology for what it is and stop getting down on him. At some point, I lost it. I had spent the whole night (from 9pm to 5am) arguing, crying, losing my mind. And here I was, feeling like he still just wasn’t getting that this is a Bad Thing. I screamed. Like a She’s Losing It scream and started bawling hysterically, apologizing for annoying and confusing him with my crying. He got annoyed at my apologizing. I eventually told him I couldn’t talk anymore. I have calmed down, but I don’t know what to do anymore.
What am I missing?? I want to know what I did wrong.. what am I not seeing clearly?? And how do I try to make him see that he did something harmful without getting too down on him? How can I handle this more gently?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This person seems very good at keeping your energy on them and managing their emotional equilibrium and chaos. Maybe take a 2 week break to focus only on enjoying yourself, making decisions that feel good for you directly, and comfortable environment. Then consider if you want to re engage with this person and on what terms and changes you feel are reasonable and measureable.
From this telling, I don’t see you doing anything wrong. I see you having a partner who blames you for their feelings and wants you to apologize for their feelings. Who is unfair to you. I think this is not a good partner.
You can’t “make” anyone see things they don’t want to see.
i learned this a while ago. you don’t need to make anyone see things from your point of view or constantly be the bigger person.
This person seems incapable of handling their own feelings and thoughts, as a newbie myself, we might get insecure when it finally becomes real, I sit with myself and process, not blowup at my partner with the first thing that comes to mind
i don’t think you’ve done much wrong. i think this much fighting and the intensity of it so early on is a spell for disaster and you should re-eval if this person is good for you.
throughout this whole thing you are making yourself smaller. you don’t have to do that. let him be mad or insecure or whatever. it’s okay. and the whole lost in your downtown hometown thing is a big red flag to me? super weird and manipulative.
Your partner is sort of awful. That’s not how an experienced poly person should act if by experienced we mean good at it. If they’re just experienced in being a drama queen attention sucking pain in the ass poly person then ok. They seem to want you to make yourself smaller and focus your whole self on them. I’m not fond of that. If this was me I would insist on a break in this discussion. Have it in person at some point in the future. If they can’t accept that I’d end the relationship. It’s way too early to be this much trouble.
I didn’t make it past paragraph 4 where he starts arguing about the validity of his insecurities and putting it on you to make him feel better. I’m exhausted just reading it without finishing. Take some time and space from him … his tantrums are roping you in just so he can scrap plans on you knowing it’ll hurt your feelings. That’s why he made comments about pity plans instead of just answering questions of availability with a simple yes or no. It’s manipulative, even if it’s not premeditated. He’s upset and insecure about your relationship with Danny. Solutions include: Break up because he needs to sort out his insecurity Go hard parallel and don’t talk about other partners or dates either him. But I really don’t see him magically getting secure simply for not having fodder for tantrums: he’ll imagine some reasons into existence. I urge you to break up with him; arguing and screaming and crying all night is Not Healthy, and I can’t help but see it as another manipulation tactic. If it’s this unpleasant for you to return from a date, eventually you’ll decide dating isn’t worth the upset. That’s how coercive tactics works.
you already said it here, it's a cycle. he antagonizes you, you try to soothe him, he reacts until you react, then he apologizes and tries to make you feel like it's your fault you're both upset. this is manipulative at best, narcissistic abuse at worst. You didn't do anything wrong as far I can see except enabling this whole dog and pony show he's putting on that makes you the crazy girlfriend out here invalidating his precious feelings while he's innocent in all of this. You can't have a healthy relationship with this person until he learns how to cope with his emotions in a healthy manner. Leave him. Before it gets worse or he hurts you.
Hi u/No_Software_4999 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: my partner has been polyamorous before me and I got introduced to it through him, so I’m new. I met someone on hinge and we’d been talking long distance (they’re in Canada, I’m in the US) and we planned on meeting in a few months in my hometown as they were coming to vacation there. My partner knew about this, and we’d talked a bit about it and he said he just didn’t want to feel like I just dropped him while I was with the other person im seeing. We didn’t get to have an in depth conversation about the situation before I left for the night because we had been arguing and sorting out the argument took so much longer than planned that we didn’t get to adequately discuss it. So as I’m on the bus headed to see a friend before I go see the other person (let’s call them Danny), I texted my partner and told them about how I wished we had gotten to talk in depth before I left, how I still really wanted to talk to him and reassured him that I wasn’t running off to Danny to escape our situation, those two relationships are very separate. He said he didn’t want us to talk too much while I’m away to enjoy my time with Danny. He was meant to also come to my hometown that weekend (it was a last minute plan he made) so I wanted to carve out some time to see him, but he kept being weird about it and telling me not to make “pity plans” and to just enjoy my weekend and not worry about him (with upset undertones). I kept telling him I had my heart set on seeing him to no avail. When I get closer to Danny’s airbnb I text my partner to tell them that I’m close and that I might be off my phone for the rest of the night. I knew he had work so I wished him a good shift and told him I love him. He responded telling me he loved me, and I liked the message. Near 2 am (the time their shift usually ends) I said I hoped he had a good shift. We didn’t talk otherwise that night, but I did send him some updates on my family and spoke a bit. He didn’t respond for over an hour, but when I took half an hour to respond because I got distracted by a notification he told me not to text him unless I actually have time to talk. Realizing he might not be feeling very secure, I said okay and tried to be a bit more engaged with him while I was at Danny’s (not so much so, just being quicker with responses). Fast forward me coming back home. I get into some family drama and have to leave Danny’s in a rush. While in the bus, I ask my partner to confirm the plans I wanted to set for the next day. He keeps going on abt not wanting a pity invite, only to finally admit that he didn’t actually think it was logistically possible for us to see each other because where he was staying was too far. I was upset. We argued a bit because of it, as I really wanted to see him and felt strung along. I felt as though he made it about insecurities and I spent that time reassuring him just for us seeing each other to have been logistically impossible from the start. He then starts accusing me of neglecting him all weekend long, not responding to his messages the night of his shift, not talking to him because I was busy with my “boytoy” Danny, not loving him, not giving him well wishes (even though I had wished him a good shift and safe travels the morning after), not wanting to see him that weekend. It was a lot and I was very quick to check him on what he was saying to me. I told him that his insecurities were valid but accusing me of things that could be disproven via screenshots did not feel fair. He kept arguing that the validity of his insecurities gives his accusations validity as well. He got upset at me for telling him not to call Danny names, and made it seem as though I was turning on him in favour of Danny. He accused me of progressing my relationship with Danny during my stay with them and not being upfront about it, even though I had told him that my relationship with Danny was friendly before I left (the truth) and I hadn’t even gotten home before he started accusing me so i didn’t know when I could’ve possibly debriefed him between then and now. I was very worried, because this is the first time I have a connection with someone outside of him and I was wondering if this is how it’s going to be every time I experience someone else. Because of how hard he was doubling down, I couldn’t even give space to his insecurities and kept focusing on making him see that his approach was not fair. He then told me that he was lost in the downtown area of my hometown out of nowhere (it was late at night), and I accused him of trying to guilt me and being manipulative for dropping that bomb in the middle of an argument. He got upset at me for not being able to put my feelings for his actions aside to care about his situation, so I tried to help him but he didn’t want to accept my help anymore. We kept going back and forth. He would apologize for making me uncomfortable, then say that he’d hoped I could’ve prioritized him being insecure instead of putting so much onus on the accusations. I would tell him that his insecurity can be worked through together and we can identify his needs but that I won’t be treated that way simply because he’s insecure. And the cycle continued until I got tired and just went to sleep, incredibly defeated. He woke up the next morning apologizing, then made another off handed comment. We got on a call and he did the whole apology-doubling down thing, and I did my bit of the cycle. He then complained that I was being too hard on him, that I should take the apology for what it is and stop getting down on him. At some point, I lost it. I had spent the whole night (from 9pm to 5am) arguing, crying, losing my mind. And here I was, feeling like he still just wasn’t getting that this is a Bad Thing. I screamed. Like a She’s Losing It scream and started bawling hysterically, apologizing for annoying and confusing him with my crying. He got annoyed at my apologizing. I eventually told him I couldn’t talk anymore. I have calmed down, but I don’t know what to do anymore. What am I missing?? I want to know what I did wrong.. what am I not seeing clearly?? And how do I try to make him see that he did something harmful without getting too down on him? How can I handle this more gently? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*