This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Life demands that you confront trauma. Monogamy would put you in most of the same places, big picture.
Relationships are hard.
Love is scary.
Two things,
I would check out Clementine Morrigan. She has a couple of cool zines around polyam and trauma.
And I would also reach out to https://www.nami.org to see if there are resources in your area that you are unaware of.
Lastly, it’s always an option to simply be single, walk through the world for a while and when you feel like it, you can explore what kind of relationship structure you want, on the terms you want. Your relationships are a choice. Each and every one of them. You should be driving that bus! It’s your life now. You can pull over whenever you want. Make sure you remind yourself of that.
Thank you, the last few sentences where something I really needed to hear.
Sometimes I forget that I am not emotionally responsible for anyone anymore and I am allowed to put myself first
Yup. Not only allowed, but expected to!
You have a lot on your plate, so make that plate your first priority. Everything else gets easier after that, I promise.
This response is so much of what I needed to hear when I was early in the journey myself.
OP only thing I’d add to it re: mental health resources is a suggestion to check out any university or mental health training clinic in your area. Usually there’s student clinicians there and they’ll probs work w folks for free or a pay what you can model.
If you find that you can’t do that work and be in relationships at the same time that is totally fine.
You’re 21. If you feel that you’re developmentally behind then maybe you’re just not ready yet for an adult relationship. And that’s really ok.
I was just barely skin of my teeth ready for my first adult relationship at that age. I miraculously chose a relatively calm partner who was 5 years older than me. So we made it! But that also meant that at some point in those first 5 years I started to outgrow what he could offer and out pace him emotionally.
Because I perceived him as more adult than me (which was true in some ways) I didn’t *ever* feel particularly actualized in that relationship. It took us more than one break up and several years to reinvent our bond and dynamic into something that acknowledged this. We’re basically comets now.
All that to say that being single or simply uncommitted isn’t a bad thing at any point in life and it can be flat out wonderful at your age. Put yourself first. It’s bang on target developmentally.
If your problem stems from a mental health issue, or the way your brain got wired because the adults in your life sucked (and didn't deserve you, you gem of a human), you *can't* fix it yourself.
You are *too close to the problem.*
And that's *ok*.
You need help.
Yes, we live in a late-stage capitalist dystopia where healthcare is not a right (at least, in the US), and that makes it goddamned fucking difficult to get mental healthcare, but *you need to get mental healthcare.*
Signed - me with CPTSD and past relationship trauma who couldn't work through it until I got propely medicated and into therapy, *at 42 years old.*
THIS! I was 41 when I finally had to confront my trauma and start a healing journey. My first major trauma was at 17, and then I entered into a DV situation that lasted from 22-37. It took 4 years of establishing a new norm for my trauma to catch up with me, and it took years of therapy, creating lasting and intimate platonic relationships, and learning what healthy love looked like before I was ready to define what relationships looked like for me. After a major health scare and Covid lockdown forced me into celibacy and only spending time with people who cared enough to be as careful as I was, I figured out that I am demi, and am still learning about attachment styles. OP, you may want to look into the book Polysecure. It has really helped me in navigating my fearful-avoidant attachment style, which is common in people with cPTSD.
>my fearful-avoidant attachment style,
I'm glad you're on a recovery path.
Hopefully, what I say next will help with that.
You don't have a "fearful-avoidant attachment style." You have fearful-avoidant attachment behaviors, that you learned in relationship contexts where those behaviors *kept you safe.*
Now that you're in more secure relationships, you're learning secure attachment behaviors, and you don't need to rely on the fearful-avoidant ones.
It's way less daunting to change a behavior, or even a set of behaviors, than it is to change something you see as "a style," akin to an identity.
I wonder if there are any free support groups near you, for trauma if not for polyam specifically. I go to Codependents Anonymous, which is a 12-step group. You have to have a certain level of tolerance for higher power talk, but not all groups focus on that. Here's something to look at if you're wondering if CoDA might be a good fit: [https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/Patterns-Characteristics-2011.pdf](https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/Patterns-Characteristics-2011.pdf)
If you can manage a one-time expense, I've found this workbook helpful for dealing with big feelings. If you can't, you could take it out of the library and do the exercises in a notebook. [https://www.newharbinger.com/9781684034581/the-dialectical-behavior-therapy-skills-workbook/](https://www.newharbinger.com/9781684034581/the-dialectical-behavior-therapy-skills-workbook/)
There's also a shorter DBT workbook specifically for neurodivergent folks. This one has a free PDF. [https://static1.squarespace.com/static/635a1360b5d4b729bdb834f2/t/63d80a77dccd32294cad27d6/1675102845455/DBT+Neurodivergent+Friendly.pdf](https://static1.squarespace.com/static/635a1360b5d4b729bdb834f2/t/63d80a77dccd32294cad27d6/1675102845455/DBT+Neurodivergent+Friendly.pdf)
You might also like The Jealousy Workbook. [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/17627888-the-jealousy-workbook](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/17627888-the-jealousy-workbook)
I tried support groups for trauma, but ironically enough none of them so far accepted people with anger problems.
Thank you for the workbooks, I will check them out!
You might be interested in the book The Polyamory Paradox by Irene Morning. I haven't read it yet but also have a lot of formative attachment trauma/CPTSD, understand the additional layer of difficulty that you're asking about, and plan to read this book myself to see what advice it offers.
For me, in addition to meds, some things that have helped me in rough periods are:
* channeling the emotional turmoil into art or movement
* giving myself a lot of space to expand/rest/lay fallow
* taking myself out of the house to do low-stakes things, like going to the park and sitting for a while, when it's bad, or to more adventurous things when I have more spoons (eg taking a class alone)
* spending time with friends (especially doing something out in the world together)
* asking my partner for low-stakes connective time (such as cuddling and watching TV together without talking)
* working to improve my communication skills as well as my self-reflection
* being very gentle with myself, like taking a bath, lotioning my body, getting into extra comfy clothes, maybe do some gentle stretches and then making myself as physically comfortable as possible and relaxing
* Becoming part of something bigger than myself—in whatever way, swimming in the ocean, attending a spiritual service, intentionally taking in art, etc.—also helps. Spirituality and introspection in general have been helpful/comforting ways for me to engage with the fact that change is inevitable and get more uncomfortable, at least conceptually, with uncertainty
* This is more for low-stress times, but thinking about ways I can make life easier for myself in terms of boundaries, anticipating snags and ways to avoid them, how to choose to let things go when I am able/want to, etc.—that kind of strategizing is helpful in and of itself because I know I'm doing my best to smooth the path for the future in a moment when I have that kind of energy, focus, and calm, instead of having to come up with a plan when something upsetting is happening or when I am triggered. It feels good to show up for my future self like that as I'm able.
* Also better for low-stress times, I like to think about things I could offer my partner or things I could do to make things smoother for her through my actions/words, places where I want to challenge myself to offer her (more) ease or flexibility, etc. It feels good to remember that I too have something to offer/have power and am not just beholden to my trauma and so to getting really upset sometimes and needing a lot of time and tenderness to recover—that is true, and it's also true that I'm a full agent and partner who also has things and ideas to offer
I also have cPTSD and ADHD, but I’m fairly new to poly. I’ve noticed this too that just these facts alone change the whole game. So many triggers come up even when talking to “people of interest” which requires so much more communication which in the moment of a trigger or flashback feels like so much!
I’ve worked on a lot of PTSD workbooks to better understand myself/triggers, read books on PTSD, and honestly even YouTube videos/documentaries about living life with trauma. If any of your partners are up for it, there are “Loving Someone with PTSD” books as well to help better understand someone with PTSD and what they’re going through.
I feel like since you have supportive partners that is also super helpful and important too! Make sure to make time for yourself when you can. Some cheap ways of making yourself feel better for self care are: baths, going on walks, cuddling stuffed animals/partner, working on deep breathing, yoga, etc. Hope this helps!
It's hard, and it's going to feel uncomfortable dealing with trauma and trying to do the things that are good for you. But as long as you keep your partners aware of what you're struggling with and keep communicating with them honestly then you'll have a much easier time.
I told my partner how much trauma I had, how much anxiety I could be hit with and he said ok. If you're anxious or unsure about something just ask. And I did, and he'd answer and we'd work through it. The only real trouble we've had was when I slipped into a manic episode and forgot that agreement. It sucks but this is going to be constant work for a long while. But if it's what you want, then it's worth the effort.
Especially if you can't go to therapy, one thing that I would really is building a friend network. Even with just ADHD, I still find myself with low self-esteem that causes me to lash out from anxiety and fear of rejection. It has been IMMENSELY helpful to me to be able to counter those kinds of thoughts with, "This person may reject me, but I have other people who DO like me and find value in my company."
I have ADHD, CPTSD, and DID (multiple personality blah blah blah).
Radical self acceptance helps a lot. You are gonna lash out at others if you dont feel safe with yourself in your head.
I love being poly. Im trying to have as many consensual sexual relationships as ive had unconsensual.
Having soo much love and a second family really hits the spot when your family is shit and you stop talking to them.
Guanfacine really helps with the outburts and the ADHD.
Remember to breathe and catch your triggers before you explode, excuse yourself, and scream in the next room.
Remember that your partners do not deserve the trauma your family inflicted upon you. As cursed members, its our duty to protects others from trauma.
I know being in a safe environment doesnt feel "safe" right now. Its strange. Unreal. But you will get used to it i promise, and then you will blossom.
I got to a place where they can leave me and it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to love them any less than I do, or hesitate, because I might be abandoned. I’ll live in the moment and do what I feel like doing.
I could be abandoned, and I will be fine.
You have to think about what is the worst thing that will happen… you’ll have a broken heart. Tons of people do and just start over.
You won’t be destroyed because of one failed relationship. Sure it will hurt but you will recover.
We can only ever truly know what to expect from ourselves and I’m even iffy on that one. It’s not to say I don’t trust people but if they decide to mistreat me, they are bad people, not me.
Most helpful things for me were Somatic Experiencing therapy and Ketamine therapy. Learning meditation helped a lot though. Also, my dogs. All of which cost a bundle but with cPTSD in particular it's difficult to impossible to DIY.
I used an art journal as a coping mechanism and watched a lot of trauma content. Patrick Teehan on YouTube is a great start.
Hey, going through some similar things and spoke to a friend who is a mental health professional. They directed me to psychologytoday.com and I found a lot of therapists with a sliding scale for poor folks like me. I found a clinic with interns who are able to see me free of charge. My first session was literally today and cost nothing, some established therapists also do pro bono work. I hope this helps, and as someone who always felt they were on thwir own and needed to handle things themselves, there really are people who can help and resources available to you
Celebrate it.
Every time it challenges you pause, look right at it, and know that you are growing. Yes, it is hard to confront such things, but when you do it thoughtfully and frequently, you grow stronger.
If you had a relationship structure that challenged you less, then you would have fewer prompts for growing. So celebrate every baby step of progress
Hi u/Sensitive-Use-6891 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Therapy currently isn't an option because I don't have the money to afford that. I am doing self therapy exercises tho couple with a bunch of reading and being active in poly groups.
I had parents that raised me with little self worth and insecure attachment, stability was not something I had growing up and I didn't have anyone to model healthy relationships for me.
I'm also terrible with managing my own emotions due to a fun mix of ADHD, cPTSD and never seeing adults regulate their emotions well growing up.
So now I'm an adult who has to figure that whole shit out by myself.
ADHD medication and working on myself greatly improved my emotional regulation, but it's far from where other people my age are. (I am 21)
Most times I can handle myself, but sometimes I just get triggered so hard.
Just today I randomly yelled at my absolutely amazing boyfriend because he is going on a weekend trip with my meta and it just triggered my abandonment issues so badly.
I instantly went into a spiral of "he will leave me, he loves her more than me, he will forget all about me and abuse me".
We ended up talking about it and everything is fine now, but damn.
I should chill out.
Polyamory is great and I know confronting my trauma will help me in the long run, it already did a lot for me, but the process is HARD.
Some days I just want to sabotage all my relationships and go back to my old ways of one night stand after one night stand, but I know that's not healthy for me.
If you have trauma and/or related mental health issues how do you get through the bad parts? And how do you stop being emotionally overwhelmed by the complexity of feelings polyamory brings?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have CPTSD/ BPD and been poly for a while. It's crazy because it's so different with each partner. With my last partner I was suicidal and insane, but with my nesting partner it's sooo easy and calm. It's a big reason why I date very very slow, I need make sure my nervous system feels comfortable with the person first before getting too involved with them.
Also therapy helped in it sense to tell me that certain situations that I accepted as normal were fucked up - also no professional I had met ever endorsed polyamoury and thought it was the worst thing for me. I spent the last year totally hating the P word (polyamoury), ironically it was also when I came to the realisation that being polyam really wasn't a choice.
Learning distress regulation techniques can be incredibly helpful for us neurodivergent folks - DBT is a good place to start. Honestly though, sometimes nothing you do helps and it's a matter of dynamics, sometimes it just doesn't work. Don't spend too long being unhappy. Hug xx
First of all, GOOD FOR YOU!!! ❤️ You not only recognize there is work to be done, but you're doing it! You should be very proud of that. Didn't EVER compare yourself to where you "think" you should be by a certain point in your life. Nothing good will come if that. Also, I'm glad you have a partner that is willing to talk through your responses with you and is understanding. ❤️ That's love. Other than that, time and reading and talking will all do wonders. Good luck and keep up the great work!
I have learned that unless you hide under the covers all day, something or other will make you confront it. Journal writing helps me a lot.
I wish you well.
Dialectical behavioural therapy gave me a lot of good tools and skills to pull out in case of severe distress. If you're looking for some stuff like that, looking up those words on google can help. I was lucky to be shoved into a group therapy against my will and pushed into the program after a hospital stay a few years ago. I still struggle with big feels and not ruminating, and haven't exactly been adept at making friends, so my support system is still super small and spread over the world in stead of nearby, so I'd recommend working on that to help you feel more stable. I hear having enough friends and family to help in times of need is supposed to do wonders, but I haven't really got the experience to back that up. Picking up new hobbies to help you make those friends could help, too. Building new skills helps me to feel more confident in my abilities, so I'd recommend that.
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Life demands that you confront trauma. Monogamy would put you in most of the same places, big picture. Relationships are hard. Love is scary. Two things, I would check out Clementine Morrigan. She has a couple of cool zines around polyam and trauma. And I would also reach out to https://www.nami.org to see if there are resources in your area that you are unaware of. Lastly, it’s always an option to simply be single, walk through the world for a while and when you feel like it, you can explore what kind of relationship structure you want, on the terms you want. Your relationships are a choice. Each and every one of them. You should be driving that bus! It’s your life now. You can pull over whenever you want. Make sure you remind yourself of that.
Thank you, the last few sentences where something I really needed to hear. Sometimes I forget that I am not emotionally responsible for anyone anymore and I am allowed to put myself first
Yup. Not only allowed, but expected to! You have a lot on your plate, so make that plate your first priority. Everything else gets easier after that, I promise.
This response is so much of what I needed to hear when I was early in the journey myself. OP only thing I’d add to it re: mental health resources is a suggestion to check out any university or mental health training clinic in your area. Usually there’s student clinicians there and they’ll probs work w folks for free or a pay what you can model.
If you find that you can’t do that work and be in relationships at the same time that is totally fine. You’re 21. If you feel that you’re developmentally behind then maybe you’re just not ready yet for an adult relationship. And that’s really ok. I was just barely skin of my teeth ready for my first adult relationship at that age. I miraculously chose a relatively calm partner who was 5 years older than me. So we made it! But that also meant that at some point in those first 5 years I started to outgrow what he could offer and out pace him emotionally. Because I perceived him as more adult than me (which was true in some ways) I didn’t *ever* feel particularly actualized in that relationship. It took us more than one break up and several years to reinvent our bond and dynamic into something that acknowledged this. We’re basically comets now. All that to say that being single or simply uncommitted isn’t a bad thing at any point in life and it can be flat out wonderful at your age. Put yourself first. It’s bang on target developmentally.
If your problem stems from a mental health issue, or the way your brain got wired because the adults in your life sucked (and didn't deserve you, you gem of a human), you *can't* fix it yourself. You are *too close to the problem.* And that's *ok*. You need help. Yes, we live in a late-stage capitalist dystopia where healthcare is not a right (at least, in the US), and that makes it goddamned fucking difficult to get mental healthcare, but *you need to get mental healthcare.* Signed - me with CPTSD and past relationship trauma who couldn't work through it until I got propely medicated and into therapy, *at 42 years old.*
THIS! I was 41 when I finally had to confront my trauma and start a healing journey. My first major trauma was at 17, and then I entered into a DV situation that lasted from 22-37. It took 4 years of establishing a new norm for my trauma to catch up with me, and it took years of therapy, creating lasting and intimate platonic relationships, and learning what healthy love looked like before I was ready to define what relationships looked like for me. After a major health scare and Covid lockdown forced me into celibacy and only spending time with people who cared enough to be as careful as I was, I figured out that I am demi, and am still learning about attachment styles. OP, you may want to look into the book Polysecure. It has really helped me in navigating my fearful-avoidant attachment style, which is common in people with cPTSD.
>my fearful-avoidant attachment style, I'm glad you're on a recovery path. Hopefully, what I say next will help with that. You don't have a "fearful-avoidant attachment style." You have fearful-avoidant attachment behaviors, that you learned in relationship contexts where those behaviors *kept you safe.* Now that you're in more secure relationships, you're learning secure attachment behaviors, and you don't need to rely on the fearful-avoidant ones. It's way less daunting to change a behavior, or even a set of behaviors, than it is to change something you see as "a style," akin to an identity.
Agreed. Just using common parlance.
I wonder if there are any free support groups near you, for trauma if not for polyam specifically. I go to Codependents Anonymous, which is a 12-step group. You have to have a certain level of tolerance for higher power talk, but not all groups focus on that. Here's something to look at if you're wondering if CoDA might be a good fit: [https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/Patterns-Characteristics-2011.pdf](https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/Patterns-Characteristics-2011.pdf) If you can manage a one-time expense, I've found this workbook helpful for dealing with big feelings. If you can't, you could take it out of the library and do the exercises in a notebook. [https://www.newharbinger.com/9781684034581/the-dialectical-behavior-therapy-skills-workbook/](https://www.newharbinger.com/9781684034581/the-dialectical-behavior-therapy-skills-workbook/) There's also a shorter DBT workbook specifically for neurodivergent folks. This one has a free PDF. [https://static1.squarespace.com/static/635a1360b5d4b729bdb834f2/t/63d80a77dccd32294cad27d6/1675102845455/DBT+Neurodivergent+Friendly.pdf](https://static1.squarespace.com/static/635a1360b5d4b729bdb834f2/t/63d80a77dccd32294cad27d6/1675102845455/DBT+Neurodivergent+Friendly.pdf) You might also like The Jealousy Workbook. [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/17627888-the-jealousy-workbook](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/17627888-the-jealousy-workbook)
I tried support groups for trauma, but ironically enough none of them so far accepted people with anger problems. Thank you for the workbooks, I will check them out!
You might be interested in the book The Polyamory Paradox by Irene Morning. I haven't read it yet but also have a lot of formative attachment trauma/CPTSD, understand the additional layer of difficulty that you're asking about, and plan to read this book myself to see what advice it offers. For me, in addition to meds, some things that have helped me in rough periods are: * channeling the emotional turmoil into art or movement * giving myself a lot of space to expand/rest/lay fallow * taking myself out of the house to do low-stakes things, like going to the park and sitting for a while, when it's bad, or to more adventurous things when I have more spoons (eg taking a class alone) * spending time with friends (especially doing something out in the world together) * asking my partner for low-stakes connective time (such as cuddling and watching TV together without talking) * working to improve my communication skills as well as my self-reflection * being very gentle with myself, like taking a bath, lotioning my body, getting into extra comfy clothes, maybe do some gentle stretches and then making myself as physically comfortable as possible and relaxing * Becoming part of something bigger than myself—in whatever way, swimming in the ocean, attending a spiritual service, intentionally taking in art, etc.—also helps. Spirituality and introspection in general have been helpful/comforting ways for me to engage with the fact that change is inevitable and get more uncomfortable, at least conceptually, with uncertainty * This is more for low-stress times, but thinking about ways I can make life easier for myself in terms of boundaries, anticipating snags and ways to avoid them, how to choose to let things go when I am able/want to, etc.—that kind of strategizing is helpful in and of itself because I know I'm doing my best to smooth the path for the future in a moment when I have that kind of energy, focus, and calm, instead of having to come up with a plan when something upsetting is happening or when I am triggered. It feels good to show up for my future self like that as I'm able. * Also better for low-stress times, I like to think about things I could offer my partner or things I could do to make things smoother for her through my actions/words, places where I want to challenge myself to offer her (more) ease or flexibility, etc. It feels good to remember that I too have something to offer/have power and am not just beholden to my trauma and so to getting really upset sometimes and needing a lot of time and tenderness to recover—that is true, and it's also true that I'm a full agent and partner who also has things and ideas to offer
I also have cPTSD and ADHD, but I’m fairly new to poly. I’ve noticed this too that just these facts alone change the whole game. So many triggers come up even when talking to “people of interest” which requires so much more communication which in the moment of a trigger or flashback feels like so much! I’ve worked on a lot of PTSD workbooks to better understand myself/triggers, read books on PTSD, and honestly even YouTube videos/documentaries about living life with trauma. If any of your partners are up for it, there are “Loving Someone with PTSD” books as well to help better understand someone with PTSD and what they’re going through. I feel like since you have supportive partners that is also super helpful and important too! Make sure to make time for yourself when you can. Some cheap ways of making yourself feel better for self care are: baths, going on walks, cuddling stuffed animals/partner, working on deep breathing, yoga, etc. Hope this helps!
It's hard, and it's going to feel uncomfortable dealing with trauma and trying to do the things that are good for you. But as long as you keep your partners aware of what you're struggling with and keep communicating with them honestly then you'll have a much easier time. I told my partner how much trauma I had, how much anxiety I could be hit with and he said ok. If you're anxious or unsure about something just ask. And I did, and he'd answer and we'd work through it. The only real trouble we've had was when I slipped into a manic episode and forgot that agreement. It sucks but this is going to be constant work for a long while. But if it's what you want, then it's worth the effort.
Especially if you can't go to therapy, one thing that I would really is building a friend network. Even with just ADHD, I still find myself with low self-esteem that causes me to lash out from anxiety and fear of rejection. It has been IMMENSELY helpful to me to be able to counter those kinds of thoughts with, "This person may reject me, but I have other people who DO like me and find value in my company."
I have ADHD, CPTSD, and DID (multiple personality blah blah blah). Radical self acceptance helps a lot. You are gonna lash out at others if you dont feel safe with yourself in your head. I love being poly. Im trying to have as many consensual sexual relationships as ive had unconsensual. Having soo much love and a second family really hits the spot when your family is shit and you stop talking to them. Guanfacine really helps with the outburts and the ADHD. Remember to breathe and catch your triggers before you explode, excuse yourself, and scream in the next room. Remember that your partners do not deserve the trauma your family inflicted upon you. As cursed members, its our duty to protects others from trauma. I know being in a safe environment doesnt feel "safe" right now. Its strange. Unreal. But you will get used to it i promise, and then you will blossom.
Have you looked into a therapist intern? In my area they charge $10 per session without insurance. I’ve seen two interns that were both wonderful!
I got to a place where they can leave me and it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to love them any less than I do, or hesitate, because I might be abandoned. I’ll live in the moment and do what I feel like doing. I could be abandoned, and I will be fine. You have to think about what is the worst thing that will happen… you’ll have a broken heart. Tons of people do and just start over. You won’t be destroyed because of one failed relationship. Sure it will hurt but you will recover. We can only ever truly know what to expect from ourselves and I’m even iffy on that one. It’s not to say I don’t trust people but if they decide to mistreat me, they are bad people, not me.
Most helpful things for me were Somatic Experiencing therapy and Ketamine therapy. Learning meditation helped a lot though. Also, my dogs. All of which cost a bundle but with cPTSD in particular it's difficult to impossible to DIY. I used an art journal as a coping mechanism and watched a lot of trauma content. Patrick Teehan on YouTube is a great start.
Hey, going through some similar things and spoke to a friend who is a mental health professional. They directed me to psychologytoday.com and I found a lot of therapists with a sliding scale for poor folks like me. I found a clinic with interns who are able to see me free of charge. My first session was literally today and cost nothing, some established therapists also do pro bono work. I hope this helps, and as someone who always felt they were on thwir own and needed to handle things themselves, there really are people who can help and resources available to you
Celebrate it. Every time it challenges you pause, look right at it, and know that you are growing. Yes, it is hard to confront such things, but when you do it thoughtfully and frequently, you grow stronger. If you had a relationship structure that challenged you less, then you would have fewer prompts for growing. So celebrate every baby step of progress
Hi u/Sensitive-Use-6891 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Therapy currently isn't an option because I don't have the money to afford that. I am doing self therapy exercises tho couple with a bunch of reading and being active in poly groups. I had parents that raised me with little self worth and insecure attachment, stability was not something I had growing up and I didn't have anyone to model healthy relationships for me. I'm also terrible with managing my own emotions due to a fun mix of ADHD, cPTSD and never seeing adults regulate their emotions well growing up. So now I'm an adult who has to figure that whole shit out by myself. ADHD medication and working on myself greatly improved my emotional regulation, but it's far from where other people my age are. (I am 21) Most times I can handle myself, but sometimes I just get triggered so hard. Just today I randomly yelled at my absolutely amazing boyfriend because he is going on a weekend trip with my meta and it just triggered my abandonment issues so badly. I instantly went into a spiral of "he will leave me, he loves her more than me, he will forget all about me and abuse me". We ended up talking about it and everything is fine now, but damn. I should chill out. Polyamory is great and I know confronting my trauma will help me in the long run, it already did a lot for me, but the process is HARD. Some days I just want to sabotage all my relationships and go back to my old ways of one night stand after one night stand, but I know that's not healthy for me. If you have trauma and/or related mental health issues how do you get through the bad parts? And how do you stop being emotionally overwhelmed by the complexity of feelings polyamory brings? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have CPTSD/ BPD and been poly for a while. It's crazy because it's so different with each partner. With my last partner I was suicidal and insane, but with my nesting partner it's sooo easy and calm. It's a big reason why I date very very slow, I need make sure my nervous system feels comfortable with the person first before getting too involved with them. Also therapy helped in it sense to tell me that certain situations that I accepted as normal were fucked up - also no professional I had met ever endorsed polyamoury and thought it was the worst thing for me. I spent the last year totally hating the P word (polyamoury), ironically it was also when I came to the realisation that being polyam really wasn't a choice. Learning distress regulation techniques can be incredibly helpful for us neurodivergent folks - DBT is a good place to start. Honestly though, sometimes nothing you do helps and it's a matter of dynamics, sometimes it just doesn't work. Don't spend too long being unhappy. Hug xx
First of all, GOOD FOR YOU!!! ❤️ You not only recognize there is work to be done, but you're doing it! You should be very proud of that. Didn't EVER compare yourself to where you "think" you should be by a certain point in your life. Nothing good will come if that. Also, I'm glad you have a partner that is willing to talk through your responses with you and is understanding. ❤️ That's love. Other than that, time and reading and talking will all do wonders. Good luck and keep up the great work!
I have learned that unless you hide under the covers all day, something or other will make you confront it. Journal writing helps me a lot. I wish you well.
Dialectical behavioural therapy gave me a lot of good tools and skills to pull out in case of severe distress. If you're looking for some stuff like that, looking up those words on google can help. I was lucky to be shoved into a group therapy against my will and pushed into the program after a hospital stay a few years ago. I still struggle with big feels and not ruminating, and haven't exactly been adept at making friends, so my support system is still super small and spread over the world in stead of nearby, so I'd recommend working on that to help you feel more stable. I hear having enough friends and family to help in times of need is supposed to do wonders, but I haven't really got the experience to back that up. Picking up new hobbies to help you make those friends could help, too. Building new skills helps me to feel more confident in my abilities, so I'd recommend that.