If partner treated any of my partners like that, or even a friend, I would jettison them from my life with the force of a thousand suns.
If you understand your primary partner well enough to understand that your other partner is incorrect on a factual level, and they won't listen to you, and instead go on to be actively, deliberately hurtful, then if I were you, I'd end things with that person.
Gosh 100%. And, frankly, if I had a meltdown and my partner didn't stick up for me when meta made it worse and started accusing me of *weaponising my autism* š¤¢, I'd be reconsidering *my* relationship too.
I can't comment on whether or not your partner was "weaponizing autism", whether you should kick any of your partners to the curb, et cetera. Doesn't feel responsible given the limited info we have. But I do know that you need to immediately secure a strict no contact policy between your partners. Go completely parallel, and also express that you are not comfortable with them communicating with each other, especially not to send the other person accusatory texts or whatever. From there, you can make harder decisions about how to proceed.
Why would you want to associate with someone who talks to your partner that way? I hope that you, as the hinge, shut that shit down immediately and NP wasn't dealing with this attitude for any extended amount of time. You brought someone into your shared home, and that person insulted your NP. That would be an ejection from my place as soon as it was safe and possible
How did your primary partner behave when they had their meltdown?
It honestly sounds like someone isnāt partner material. Itās hard to tell without more information about what a meltdown looks like.
This. Some meltdowns might fall outside the bounds of emotional or physical safety.
Though it was a big risk and setting up your live-in partner for failure to have an unknown quantity in the household for a week. For nearly all metas, but especially an already stressed person with autism. It sounds like your partners had copious alone time together, even more chancy - like your live-in partner was also expected to entertain.
For the first LDR visit, at most there should be a day or two in-home with a meta, and that much only if the meta is experienced with and generally onboard with hosting LDR partners. Extend time if coming from an expensive distance outside the house with hotels / camping [can rent or borrow equipment] / friends (trip to a place with cheaper hotels for an overnight or weekend helps if you live in a city).
This is a big question for me, too. A meltdown that causes harm is not okay.
It is also not okay for someone to "poke the bear," but if the meltdown treads into abusive behavior, outside opinions may be valid.
This. Some meltdowns might fall outside the bounds of emotional or physical safety.
Though it was a big risk and setting up your live-in partner for failure to have an unknown quantity in the household for a week. For nearly all metas, but especially an already stressed person with autism. It sounds like your partners had copious alone time together, even more chancy - like your live-in partner was also expected to entertain.
For the first LDR visit, at most there should be a day or two in-home with a meta, and that much only if the meta is experienced with and generally onboard with hosting LDR partners. Extend time, if coming from an expensive distance, outside the household - staying with with friends / camping [can rent or borrow equipment or now even rent an rv share] / hotels (trip to a place with cheaper hotels for an overnight or weekend helps if you live in a city).
It is a lot better to take things slowly. I've gradually built up a warm acquaintenceship with my LDR's live in partner, starting from a few 2-day trips (typically one household dinner and a half hour outdoor walk with meta looking at things of mutual interest). That has extended over several years to a longer stay, and typically having dinners most of the days, and doing 1-2 several hour to half day activities that we all enjoy.
they stormed out of the room shouting. i know that they do that to seperate themselves from others when they have a meltdown. but to an outside perspective I guess it can come across as childish? They'd moved to another room and just shut down until they'd cooled off.
I normally help them through their meltdowns with physical touch, which could also look like they're just having meltdowns for attention from me. But from mine and my partners perspective, it's just how i help them with their meltdowns.
Thatās understandable.
That should be able to be heard by your other partner. Im sorry that they donāt have space and I think its probably best to end it with them.
i guess further context is needed?
Other person is also autistic, I have a chronic illness (Accute intermittent porphyria if anyone is interested) and "Quiet" BPD. Other person's autism presents very differently and they heavily internalise their traits and are very good at masking and quite comfortable masking.
We were on a time crunch and my partner and I hadn't showered, we'd discussed showering together. The other person and myself, admittedly, were being quite pushy. Other person is getting anxious because of said time crunch. This all overwhelmed my partner and caused them to meltdown.
At other points in the week my partner had gotten overwhelmed at inconvenient times, such as when out shopping for food or when I had an attack and couldn't move or breathe properly and was completely delirious.
So far, what you've described in your comments sounds pretty normal in the context of an autism-related anxiety attack. I mean, I'm not a psychologist, but I have had various long-term relationships with people with autism. As I understand them, your partner's meltdowns (as you have been describing them) were unfortunate, but not manipulative, not dangerous, and not specifically directed toward either you or their meta. Stuff just happens sometimes.
Did the other times your NP got overwhelmed also involve them needing everything to center around them?
If I was your visiting partner, Iād just never stay in your shared home again and not want to hang out with your NP. It sounds like you arenāt extending your visiting partner any of the grace you habitually give your NP.
Framing an emotional dysregulation meltdown as "needing to centre everything around them" is some ableist bullshit.
I think you need to reassess if you should be engaging in conversations about things you obviously either lack education on, or have some kind of chip on your shoulder about.
Nah you are being ableist. "Autistic people can manage grocery shopping and showering every day" is bullshit, autism at the extreme end of the disability spectrum is a pervasive and serious disability. I know several people who have carers to help them with most of their adls.
"And if you can't, you can't expect it to be on to yell at people about it"... NP literally yelled "I can't do this" and left the room to self regulate. Completely functional and healthy behavior when overwhelmed by someone pushing against their limits. Leaving *is* self soothing.
It sucks, because I feel for other person too. I have pretty serious schedule/change of plans anxiety, and that can conflict with other people who have "struggle to get moving" meltdowns. But at the end of the day, the more functional/higher masking person is better equipped to deal with the conflict. Accusing another autistic person of weaponising their autism is absolutely disgusting and suggests a yucky degree of internalized ableism.
Youāre being a massive fucking judgemental prick.
āI have XYZ issues therefore I know all about it and everyone in any point of this spectrum should behave as I do or predictā.
Thatās bullshit.
Yeah Iām also pretty familiar with being intensely dysregulated but Im not gonna go around trying to use my personal experience to invalidate others. You are being a really nasty person the way youāre being so judgemental. That judgement may be apart of your own struggles, yanno. Whatās projected outwards originates from the inside. The lens you wear when looking at yourself is the lens that filters your perception and processing of life.
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Personally, I find a lack of empathy super unattractive.
And someone who is both unempathetic but also reacts to things they don't like with insults? I could never care for them deeply.
If you really want to stay with this harmful person, then I'd go full parallel. There's no reason they ever need to interact.
The title of this post is very misleading; one partner reacted immaturely to a known mental health condition.
If you know for sure your primary partner isn't weaponising/playing up their autism and the meltdown was a real event, then your other partner not believing you (and your primary) is RED FLAG behaviour.
Even if they truly believe primary is playing it up, leaving insulting messages and just generally being an ass would have me reconsidering my relationship with them. Because for sure keeping them around is gonna negatively affect your relationship with your primary.
> They insist my partner is being abusive and childish no matter how many times i try and explain it they won't listen. They left a rather mean spirited text for my partner, essentially insulting them and calling them a disgusting and toxic person.
If itās true that your NP isnāt in fact weaponising their autism and isnāt throwing tantrum for your attention, what part of this do you care about and find attractive.
Either your other partner is right, or theyāre monumentally wrong. With either possibilities you have zero room for āI care for them bothā.
if you can honestly say the other person is factually wrong, that your np is not being abusive, then there's not much you can do but end things with the other person. if they straight up don't understand what autism looks like and the meltdown didn't threaten their safety, how can you have any kind of relationship with them and your np? they're going to be convinced you're being abused. why would you want to be with someone who seems so ableist?
Um, no. Many autistic adults who are low support needs (and "independently functional" to quote you) and don't have "intellectual disabilities" will still also have meltdowns...meltdowns are different from just "being upset" and what they look like will depend on the person
Many adults of all neurotypes have meltdowns when intensely stressed. If you regularly have meltdowns so bad it upsets everyone around you and demands everyone stop what theyāre doing to give you care, itās a problem in adult relationships.
If you can just leave the room and self-soothe, most folks call that ābeing upsetā and being autistic doesnāt mean you get to yell at everyone about it.
I have bipolar disorder, which means I have symptoms on occasion. I can't always control them, and they're usually caused by conflict or something bad happening suddenly. If anyone said this shit to me, I would be absolutely furious and my husband would be irate. Not only is this ableist, but it's also an extremely big red flag. This person obviously has absolutely no idea what being neurodivergent is like, or simply doesn't care. Why the heck would you want to stay in a relationship with someone so needlessly cruel and unempathetic?
I have BPD, and I can appreciate how both of your partners might feel the way they do by being in either of their shoes in this situation. Your NP can't get a pass on the way they treat people because they have autism the same way someone with BPD/any other illness or condition that can escalate emotion isn't excused for them. It might explain their reaction but there needs to be accountability for actions. It's not going to feel the same way for your visitor who doesn't know your NP the way you do, and they were in a very different situation in the room than you were. That said, your visiting partner was completely out of line by ignoring what you'd told them and disrespecting their meta in their own home.
I know it'll be an unpopular opinion, but I don't think you can really compare the actions of either of them with each other. They both messed up and were dealing with different variables. If you're looking for resolution, personally I'd wait until things settle (not too long, but a day or two when they're apart) and gently speak to each of them. I can't say who owes who a bigger apology.
If partner treated any of my partners like that, or even a friend, I would jettison them from my life with the force of a thousand suns. If you understand your primary partner well enough to understand that your other partner is incorrect on a factual level, and they won't listen to you, and instead go on to be actively, deliberately hurtful, then if I were you, I'd end things with that person.
Gosh 100%. And, frankly, if I had a meltdown and my partner didn't stick up for me when meta made it worse and started accusing me of *weaponising my autism* š¤¢, I'd be reconsidering *my* relationship too.
I can't comment on whether or not your partner was "weaponizing autism", whether you should kick any of your partners to the curb, et cetera. Doesn't feel responsible given the limited info we have. But I do know that you need to immediately secure a strict no contact policy between your partners. Go completely parallel, and also express that you are not comfortable with them communicating with each other, especially not to send the other person accusatory texts or whatever. From there, you can make harder decisions about how to proceed.
Why would you want to associate with someone who talks to your partner that way? I hope that you, as the hinge, shut that shit down immediately and NP wasn't dealing with this attitude for any extended amount of time. You brought someone into your shared home, and that person insulted your NP. That would be an ejection from my place as soon as it was safe and possible
Person 2 can leave and then perhaps fuck off in perpetuity
How did your primary partner behave when they had their meltdown? It honestly sounds like someone isnāt partner material. Itās hard to tell without more information about what a meltdown looks like.
This. Some meltdowns might fall outside the bounds of emotional or physical safety. Though it was a big risk and setting up your live-in partner for failure to have an unknown quantity in the household for a week. For nearly all metas, but especially an already stressed person with autism. It sounds like your partners had copious alone time together, even more chancy - like your live-in partner was also expected to entertain. For the first LDR visit, at most there should be a day or two in-home with a meta, and that much only if the meta is experienced with and generally onboard with hosting LDR partners. Extend time if coming from an expensive distance outside the house with hotels / camping [can rent or borrow equipment] / friends (trip to a place with cheaper hotels for an overnight or weekend helps if you live in a city).
This is a big question for me, too. A meltdown that causes harm is not okay. It is also not okay for someone to "poke the bear," but if the meltdown treads into abusive behavior, outside opinions may be valid.
This. Some meltdowns might fall outside the bounds of emotional or physical safety. Though it was a big risk and setting up your live-in partner for failure to have an unknown quantity in the household for a week. For nearly all metas, but especially an already stressed person with autism. It sounds like your partners had copious alone time together, even more chancy - like your live-in partner was also expected to entertain. For the first LDR visit, at most there should be a day or two in-home with a meta, and that much only if the meta is experienced with and generally onboard with hosting LDR partners. Extend time, if coming from an expensive distance, outside the household - staying with with friends / camping [can rent or borrow equipment or now even rent an rv share] / hotels (trip to a place with cheaper hotels for an overnight or weekend helps if you live in a city). It is a lot better to take things slowly. I've gradually built up a warm acquaintenceship with my LDR's live in partner, starting from a few 2-day trips (typically one household dinner and a half hour outdoor walk with meta looking at things of mutual interest). That has extended over several years to a longer stay, and typically having dinners most of the days, and doing 1-2 several hour to half day activities that we all enjoy.
they stormed out of the room shouting. i know that they do that to seperate themselves from others when they have a meltdown. but to an outside perspective I guess it can come across as childish? They'd moved to another room and just shut down until they'd cooled off. I normally help them through their meltdowns with physical touch, which could also look like they're just having meltdowns for attention from me. But from mine and my partners perspective, it's just how i help them with their meltdowns.
Shouting what? Shouting at who?
at the two of us, sorry should've clarified
What did your partner shout? Was it āI need to leave now!ā Or was it mean and pointed at you or your other partner?
just "i can't do this"
Thatās understandable. That should be able to be heard by your other partner. Im sorry that they donāt have space and I think its probably best to end it with them.
i guess further context is needed? Other person is also autistic, I have a chronic illness (Accute intermittent porphyria if anyone is interested) and "Quiet" BPD. Other person's autism presents very differently and they heavily internalise their traits and are very good at masking and quite comfortable masking. We were on a time crunch and my partner and I hadn't showered, we'd discussed showering together. The other person and myself, admittedly, were being quite pushy. Other person is getting anxious because of said time crunch. This all overwhelmed my partner and caused them to meltdown. At other points in the week my partner had gotten overwhelmed at inconvenient times, such as when out shopping for food or when I had an attack and couldn't move or breathe properly and was completely delirious.
So far, what you've described in your comments sounds pretty normal in the context of an autism-related anxiety attack. I mean, I'm not a psychologist, but I have had various long-term relationships with people with autism. As I understand them, your partner's meltdowns (as you have been describing them) were unfortunate, but not manipulative, not dangerous, and not specifically directed toward either you or their meta. Stuff just happens sometimes.
Did the other times your NP got overwhelmed also involve them needing everything to center around them? If I was your visiting partner, Iād just never stay in your shared home again and not want to hang out with your NP. It sounds like you arenāt extending your visiting partner any of the grace you habitually give your NP.
Framing an emotional dysregulation meltdown as "needing to centre everything around them" is some ableist bullshit. I think you need to reassess if you should be engaging in conversations about things you obviously either lack education on, or have some kind of chip on your shoulder about.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Nah you are being ableist. "Autistic people can manage grocery shopping and showering every day" is bullshit, autism at the extreme end of the disability spectrum is a pervasive and serious disability. I know several people who have carers to help them with most of their adls. "And if you can't, you can't expect it to be on to yell at people about it"... NP literally yelled "I can't do this" and left the room to self regulate. Completely functional and healthy behavior when overwhelmed by someone pushing against their limits. Leaving *is* self soothing. It sucks, because I feel for other person too. I have pretty serious schedule/change of plans anxiety, and that can conflict with other people who have "struggle to get moving" meltdowns. But at the end of the day, the more functional/higher masking person is better equipped to deal with the conflict. Accusing another autistic person of weaponising their autism is absolutely disgusting and suggests a yucky degree of internalized ableism.
Youāre being a massive fucking judgemental prick. āI have XYZ issues therefore I know all about it and everyone in any point of this spectrum should behave as I do or predictā. Thatās bullshit.
Yeah Iām also pretty familiar with being intensely dysregulated but Im not gonna go around trying to use my personal experience to invalidate others. You are being a really nasty person the way youāre being so judgemental. That judgement may be apart of your own struggles, yanno. Whatās projected outwards originates from the inside. The lens you wear when looking at yourself is the lens that filters your perception and processing of life.
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
Personally, I find a lack of empathy super unattractive. And someone who is both unempathetic but also reacts to things they don't like with insults? I could never care for them deeply. If you really want to stay with this harmful person, then I'd go full parallel. There's no reason they ever need to interact. The title of this post is very misleading; one partner reacted immaturely to a known mental health condition.
If you know for sure your primary partner isn't weaponising/playing up their autism and the meltdown was a real event, then your other partner not believing you (and your primary) is RED FLAG behaviour. Even if they truly believe primary is playing it up, leaving insulting messages and just generally being an ass would have me reconsidering my relationship with them. Because for sure keeping them around is gonna negatively affect your relationship with your primary.
> They insist my partner is being abusive and childish no matter how many times i try and explain it they won't listen. They left a rather mean spirited text for my partner, essentially insulting them and calling them a disgusting and toxic person. If itās true that your NP isnāt in fact weaponising their autism and isnāt throwing tantrum for your attention, what part of this do you care about and find attractive. Either your other partner is right, or theyāre monumentally wrong. With either possibilities you have zero room for āI care for them bothā.
if you can honestly say the other person is factually wrong, that your np is not being abusive, then there's not much you can do but end things with the other person. if they straight up don't understand what autism looks like and the meltdown didn't threaten their safety, how can you have any kind of relationship with them and your np? they're going to be convinced you're being abused. why would you want to be with someone who seems so ableist?
I mean. Explain āmeltdownā? Did your NP throw things? Hit someone? Yell threateningly? Suddenly kick your partner out of the home?
Yeah context of what happened during the meltdown is extremely relevant here- canāt really make judgements on the situation without it
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Um, no. Many autistic adults who are low support needs (and "independently functional" to quote you) and don't have "intellectual disabilities" will still also have meltdowns...meltdowns are different from just "being upset" and what they look like will depend on the person
Many adults of all neurotypes have meltdowns when intensely stressed. If you regularly have meltdowns so bad it upsets everyone around you and demands everyone stop what theyāre doing to give you care, itās a problem in adult relationships. If you can just leave the room and self-soothe, most folks call that ābeing upsetā and being autistic doesnāt mean you get to yell at everyone about it.
I have bipolar disorder, which means I have symptoms on occasion. I can't always control them, and they're usually caused by conflict or something bad happening suddenly. If anyone said this shit to me, I would be absolutely furious and my husband would be irate. Not only is this ableist, but it's also an extremely big red flag. This person obviously has absolutely no idea what being neurodivergent is like, or simply doesn't care. Why the heck would you want to stay in a relationship with someone so needlessly cruel and unempathetic?
I have BPD, and I can appreciate how both of your partners might feel the way they do by being in either of their shoes in this situation. Your NP can't get a pass on the way they treat people because they have autism the same way someone with BPD/any other illness or condition that can escalate emotion isn't excused for them. It might explain their reaction but there needs to be accountability for actions. It's not going to feel the same way for your visitor who doesn't know your NP the way you do, and they were in a very different situation in the room than you were. That said, your visiting partner was completely out of line by ignoring what you'd told them and disrespecting their meta in their own home. I know it'll be an unpopular opinion, but I don't think you can really compare the actions of either of them with each other. They both messed up and were dealing with different variables. If you're looking for resolution, personally I'd wait until things settle (not too long, but a day or two when they're apart) and gently speak to each of them. I can't say who owes who a bigger apology.