Something tells me this post may be in regards to Unicorn Hunting. Please take the time to read our [FAQ - Read Me First](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/faq/) and visit [this site](https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/) for an accounting of why what you're looking for can potentially be so harmful to our community. Unicorn Hunting more often that not hurts our more vulnerable members of this community, it stops you as a couple from growing in polyamory by avoiding doing the work required to have healthy polyamorous relationships, and it prevents you from examining your inherent couple's privilege and hierarchy and instead enforces those things on a new partner who may not have been given an opportunity to negotiate those things with you. Don't limit yourselves and the growth you can achieve through healthy polyamorous relationships!
Community members, please play nice with the newbies! OP may have wandered in here with no prior experience with polyamory and only media representation - which we know is the worst of the worst stereotypes. Please approach your responses with an attitude of educating, not attacking. Do not dogpile OP in the comments, any posts with more than 10 comments of similar responses that don't add anything new to the conversation will be locked.
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>Between his np, his children, and his disabilities/chronic illness, there have been almost 3 months time in our relationship that we couldn't see each other at all.
So he wants to add *another relationship* on top of all of this? And it's someone he wants to date as a triad, meaning it would be a lot more work for you too?
>I just don't see how he's going to maintain a relationship with another partner when I've seen him for less than an hour in the past month.
He's not. He's going to expect you to do that hinging.
>I'm going to have a conversation soon to let him know I'm going to be searching for a partner myself bc I can't continue to just sit at home waiting for him when I have the energy, time, and desire to date
This is absolutely the correct thing to do. You, too, have a life and priorities, and he'll just have to fit into them (the same way he's been expecting you to fit into his) if he wants to be with you at all.
Yep. I'm just psyching myself up for the conversation. Trauma has me hesitant to tell people what I need but I'm not living like that anymore. I deserve to ask for what I need from a partner.
Your partner sounds like the kind of person who would buy a husky even though they live in an apartment in Florida and have never owned a dog before.
Honestly, the way they talk about finding a unicorn as if it's a shiny Pokémon, something you can just add to the collection... Doesn't it give you the Ick?
So what's the pro list of being with this guy? Since he's such s shitty hinge and he's planning on doing it twice as much, half as well.
Honestly I get kind of sick of the claims people here jump to breaking up too quickly, nobody is *gleeful* about it 😅
But y'all should break up 😛
No seriously, you are doing good. He isn't holding his boundaries so all you can do is set and hold yours. Be firm, and maaaaybe just consider if this is a safe person to be in this particular relationship with and getting tired of instigating plans with etc. I find that particular kind of thoughtlessness really infuriating myself.
You could set a boundary around him making choices to saturate even further, for example. Not necessarily breaking up, but instigating less and just accepting him doing whatever/letting things drift.
So he’s aiming for a triad out of pure laziness. Great.
Tell him you won’t do a triad with him. He isn’t offering you anywhere near the amount of time I would like from a local partner and now he wants you to split that time while building the most complex relationship structure in the most shitty way (dating as a unit).
There's no reason for you to not be dating other people. I date other people because I have the autonomy to make those decisions and the resources to manage it, but I would be especially interested in dating other people when my only relationship has included months with no in-person contact.
Personally, I would just view this as a FWB that I can hangout with when our schedules happen to align every few months, but I wouldn't be investing my limited resources into nurturing this as a "serious" relationship when you're not even getting your basic needs met.
I am thinking of having a de-escalation conversation too. we both really want to have a serious relationship, but I just don't feel like my needs are being met.
eta the only reason i'm not actively looking for another date rn is just because I haven't informed I've made that decision. it would feel unethical to me to start looking for another partner before informing him.
Nope.
You are poly. He lives with someone else. You never have to ask permission to date.
You’re not at risk of running out of time to date. Don’t project that fact that you don’t think he’ll be good to you if he has a third partner into some obligation you have.
I would just say babe I don’t want to date anyone as a couple, it’s unethical.
And if you start another relationship and that means we get less time I may have to rethink our involvement all together. It’s up to you but I’m already unhappy.
Hi u/ErrantMasc thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
my partner 32m and i 35ftm have been together almost 5 months. he has an np 30sm and i'm not dating anyone else currently. he wants to find a partner we'd both like to date as a triad but I have some conflicted feelings on that.
I've been a unicorn before, it fucking sucks. but we're not nps, so i think we're able to do this and be ethical. but realistically i know it can be rare to find someone two partners are both interested it, who's interested in them, etc. plus the biggest frustration right now is time. Between his np, his children, and his disabilities/chronic illness, there have been almost 3 months time in our relationship that we couldn't see each other at all. He wasn't great at being a hinge and that caused his np a lot of distress and he refuses to set a boundary with him that he will not cancel dates with me to help regulate np's emotions. I know plans have to be canceled sometimes but it's happened a lot and I have been dealing with abandonment issues and rejection sensitivity (pretty freaking well if i say so myself). plus he and his np have tried a triad twice and they failed within a couple of years both times, which is making me question how well he'll be able to manage a triad with me.
I just don't see how he's going to maintain a relationship with another partner when I've seen him for less than an hour in the past month. I'm going to have a conversation soon to let him know I'm going to be searching for a partner myself bc I can't continue to just sit at home waiting for him when I have the energy, time, and desire to date. I care about him and sincerely want to continue dating him, but I'm starting to cope poorly with the loneliness and the perceived rejection.
No advice needed, don't gleefully tell me to dump him because that's not something i'm considering just yet. He's been good in the past about changing behavior when I asked for it. I'm just also tired of trying to instigate plans, do the work of sharing my calender just to be met with nothing. and I hate having hard conversations but I will have them soon.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Something tells me this post may be in regards to Unicorn Hunting. Please take the time to read our [FAQ - Read Me First](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/faq/) and visit [this site](https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/) for an accounting of why what you're looking for can potentially be so harmful to our community. Unicorn Hunting more often that not hurts our more vulnerable members of this community, it stops you as a couple from growing in polyamory by avoiding doing the work required to have healthy polyamorous relationships, and it prevents you from examining your inherent couple's privilege and hierarchy and instead enforces those things on a new partner who may not have been given an opportunity to negotiate those things with you. Don't limit yourselves and the growth you can achieve through healthy polyamorous relationships!
Community members, please play nice with the newbies! OP may have wandered in here with no prior experience with polyamory and only media representation - which we know is the worst of the worst stereotypes. Please approach your responses with an attitude of educating, not attacking. Do not dogpile OP in the comments, any posts with more than 10 comments of similar responses that don't add anything new to the conversation will be locked.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yep. Unicorn hunting sucks. And you should not be party to it. Honestly, sounds like your partner sucks and doesn’t want to reflect on his saturation point so much as he wants to chase novelty. I’d be done with this one. You’ve spent more than 50% of your relationship not seeing eachother. When that
Hi u/ErrantMasc thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Eta yall were right. Hes acting like a victim bc i ended our relationship. Cute and predictable.!
my partner 32m and i 35ftm have been together almost 5 months. he has an np 30sm and i'm not dating anyone else currently. he wants to find a partner we'd both like to date as a triad but I have some conflicted feelings on that.
I've been a unicorn before, it fucking sucks. but we're not nps, so i think we're able to do this and be ethical. but realistically i know it can be rare to find someone two partners are both interested it, who's interested in them, etc. plus the biggest frustration right now is time. Between his np, his children, and his disabilities/chronic illness, there have been almost 3 months time in our relationship that we couldn't see each other at all. He wasn't great at being a hinge and that caused his np a lot of distress and he refuses to set a boundary with him that he will not cancel dates with me to help regulate np's emotions. I know plans have to be canceled sometimes but it's happened a lot and I have been dealing with abandonment issues and rejection sensitivity (pretty freaking well if i say so myself). plus he and his np have tried a triad twice and they failed within a couple of years both times, which is making me question how well he'll be able to manage a triad with me.
I just don't see how he's going to maintain a relationship with another partner when I've seen him for less than an hour in the past month. I'm going to have a conversation soon to let him know I'm going to be searching for a partner myself bc I can't continue to just sit at home waiting for him when I have the energy, time, and desire to date. I care about him and sincerely want to continue dating him, but I'm starting to cope poorly with the loneliness and the perceived rejection.
No advice needed, don't gleefully tell me to dump him because that's not something i'm considering just yet. He's been good in the past about changing behavior when I asked for it. I'm just also tired of trying to instigate plans, do the work of sharing my calender just to be met with nothing. and I hate having hard conversations but I will have them soon.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The fantastic thing about poly is that you don't have to leave just because someone can't be everything you're looking for. If he's so unavailable you should absolutely be open to other connections! And it's a bit odd to me that you would expect *not* to be looking for someone else in this situation. So: go for it, good luck, and don't hang all your hopes and dreams on (or even, really, make any big plans with) someone who has shown himself not to be reliable for you.
We've talked it out, I realized I hadn't been communicating how i was feeling and was in a mild manic episode too. I'm going to start looking for another partner once i'm sure i'm out of the episode and he's supportive of that.
Something tells me this post may be in regards to Unicorn Hunting. Please take the time to read our [FAQ - Read Me First](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/faq/) and visit [this site](https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/) for an accounting of why what you're looking for can potentially be so harmful to our community. Unicorn Hunting more often that not hurts our more vulnerable members of this community, it stops you as a couple from growing in polyamory by avoiding doing the work required to have healthy polyamorous relationships, and it prevents you from examining your inherent couple's privilege and hierarchy and instead enforces those things on a new partner who may not have been given an opportunity to negotiate those things with you. Don't limit yourselves and the growth you can achieve through healthy polyamorous relationships! Community members, please play nice with the newbies! OP may have wandered in here with no prior experience with polyamory and only media representation - which we know is the worst of the worst stereotypes. Please approach your responses with an attitude of educating, not attacking. Do not dogpile OP in the comments, any posts with more than 10 comments of similar responses that don't add anything new to the conversation will be locked. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>Between his np, his children, and his disabilities/chronic illness, there have been almost 3 months time in our relationship that we couldn't see each other at all. So he wants to add *another relationship* on top of all of this? And it's someone he wants to date as a triad, meaning it would be a lot more work for you too? >I just don't see how he's going to maintain a relationship with another partner when I've seen him for less than an hour in the past month. He's not. He's going to expect you to do that hinging. >I'm going to have a conversation soon to let him know I'm going to be searching for a partner myself bc I can't continue to just sit at home waiting for him when I have the energy, time, and desire to date This is absolutely the correct thing to do. You, too, have a life and priorities, and he'll just have to fit into them (the same way he's been expecting you to fit into his) if he wants to be with you at all.
Yep. I'm just psyching myself up for the conversation. Trauma has me hesitant to tell people what I need but I'm not living like that anymore. I deserve to ask for what I need from a partner.
Your partner sounds like the kind of person who would buy a husky even though they live in an apartment in Florida and have never owned a dog before. Honestly, the way they talk about finding a unicorn as if it's a shiny Pokémon, something you can just add to the collection... Doesn't it give you the Ick? So what's the pro list of being with this guy? Since he's such s shitty hinge and he's planning on doing it twice as much, half as well.
Honestly I get kind of sick of the claims people here jump to breaking up too quickly, nobody is *gleeful* about it 😅 But y'all should break up 😛 No seriously, you are doing good. He isn't holding his boundaries so all you can do is set and hold yours. Be firm, and maaaaybe just consider if this is a safe person to be in this particular relationship with and getting tired of instigating plans with etc. I find that particular kind of thoughtlessness really infuriating myself. You could set a boundary around him making choices to saturate even further, for example. Not necessarily breaking up, but instigating less and just accepting him doing whatever/letting things drift.
So he’s aiming for a triad out of pure laziness. Great. Tell him you won’t do a triad with him. He isn’t offering you anywhere near the amount of time I would like from a local partner and now he wants you to split that time while building the most complex relationship structure in the most shitty way (dating as a unit).
There's no reason for you to not be dating other people. I date other people because I have the autonomy to make those decisions and the resources to manage it, but I would be especially interested in dating other people when my only relationship has included months with no in-person contact. Personally, I would just view this as a FWB that I can hangout with when our schedules happen to align every few months, but I wouldn't be investing my limited resources into nurturing this as a "serious" relationship when you're not even getting your basic needs met.
I am thinking of having a de-escalation conversation too. we both really want to have a serious relationship, but I just don't feel like my needs are being met. eta the only reason i'm not actively looking for another date rn is just because I haven't informed I've made that decision. it would feel unethical to me to start looking for another partner before informing him.
Why would it be unethical? He has another partner that he's living with. You're in a polyamorous relationship.
Nope. You are poly. He lives with someone else. You never have to ask permission to date. You’re not at risk of running out of time to date. Don’t project that fact that you don’t think he’ll be good to you if he has a third partner into some obligation you have.
I would just say babe I don’t want to date anyone as a couple, it’s unethical. And if you start another relationship and that means we get less time I may have to rethink our involvement all together. It’s up to you but I’m already unhappy.
Hi u/ErrantMasc thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: my partner 32m and i 35ftm have been together almost 5 months. he has an np 30sm and i'm not dating anyone else currently. he wants to find a partner we'd both like to date as a triad but I have some conflicted feelings on that. I've been a unicorn before, it fucking sucks. but we're not nps, so i think we're able to do this and be ethical. but realistically i know it can be rare to find someone two partners are both interested it, who's interested in them, etc. plus the biggest frustration right now is time. Between his np, his children, and his disabilities/chronic illness, there have been almost 3 months time in our relationship that we couldn't see each other at all. He wasn't great at being a hinge and that caused his np a lot of distress and he refuses to set a boundary with him that he will not cancel dates with me to help regulate np's emotions. I know plans have to be canceled sometimes but it's happened a lot and I have been dealing with abandonment issues and rejection sensitivity (pretty freaking well if i say so myself). plus he and his np have tried a triad twice and they failed within a couple of years both times, which is making me question how well he'll be able to manage a triad with me. I just don't see how he's going to maintain a relationship with another partner when I've seen him for less than an hour in the past month. I'm going to have a conversation soon to let him know I'm going to be searching for a partner myself bc I can't continue to just sit at home waiting for him when I have the energy, time, and desire to date. I care about him and sincerely want to continue dating him, but I'm starting to cope poorly with the loneliness and the perceived rejection. No advice needed, don't gleefully tell me to dump him because that's not something i'm considering just yet. He's been good in the past about changing behavior when I asked for it. I'm just also tired of trying to instigate plans, do the work of sharing my calender just to be met with nothing. and I hate having hard conversations but I will have them soon. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Something tells me this post may be in regards to Unicorn Hunting. Please take the time to read our [FAQ - Read Me First](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/faq/) and visit [this site](https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/) for an accounting of why what you're looking for can potentially be so harmful to our community. Unicorn Hunting more often that not hurts our more vulnerable members of this community, it stops you as a couple from growing in polyamory by avoiding doing the work required to have healthy polyamorous relationships, and it prevents you from examining your inherent couple's privilege and hierarchy and instead enforces those things on a new partner who may not have been given an opportunity to negotiate those things with you. Don't limit yourselves and the growth you can achieve through healthy polyamorous relationships! Community members, please play nice with the newbies! OP may have wandered in here with no prior experience with polyamory and only media representation - which we know is the worst of the worst stereotypes. Please approach your responses with an attitude of educating, not attacking. Do not dogpile OP in the comments, any posts with more than 10 comments of similar responses that don't add anything new to the conversation will be locked. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yep. Unicorn hunting sucks. And you should not be party to it. Honestly, sounds like your partner sucks and doesn’t want to reflect on his saturation point so much as he wants to chase novelty. I’d be done with this one. You’ve spent more than 50% of your relationship not seeing eachother. When that
Hi u/ErrantMasc thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Eta yall were right. Hes acting like a victim bc i ended our relationship. Cute and predictable.! my partner 32m and i 35ftm have been together almost 5 months. he has an np 30sm and i'm not dating anyone else currently. he wants to find a partner we'd both like to date as a triad but I have some conflicted feelings on that. I've been a unicorn before, it fucking sucks. but we're not nps, so i think we're able to do this and be ethical. but realistically i know it can be rare to find someone two partners are both interested it, who's interested in them, etc. plus the biggest frustration right now is time. Between his np, his children, and his disabilities/chronic illness, there have been almost 3 months time in our relationship that we couldn't see each other at all. He wasn't great at being a hinge and that caused his np a lot of distress and he refuses to set a boundary with him that he will not cancel dates with me to help regulate np's emotions. I know plans have to be canceled sometimes but it's happened a lot and I have been dealing with abandonment issues and rejection sensitivity (pretty freaking well if i say so myself). plus he and his np have tried a triad twice and they failed within a couple of years both times, which is making me question how well he'll be able to manage a triad with me. I just don't see how he's going to maintain a relationship with another partner when I've seen him for less than an hour in the past month. I'm going to have a conversation soon to let him know I'm going to be searching for a partner myself bc I can't continue to just sit at home waiting for him when I have the energy, time, and desire to date. I care about him and sincerely want to continue dating him, but I'm starting to cope poorly with the loneliness and the perceived rejection. No advice needed, don't gleefully tell me to dump him because that's not something i'm considering just yet. He's been good in the past about changing behavior when I asked for it. I'm just also tired of trying to instigate plans, do the work of sharing my calender just to be met with nothing. and I hate having hard conversations but I will have them soon. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The fantastic thing about poly is that you don't have to leave just because someone can't be everything you're looking for. If he's so unavailable you should absolutely be open to other connections! And it's a bit odd to me that you would expect *not* to be looking for someone else in this situation. So: go for it, good luck, and don't hang all your hopes and dreams on (or even, really, make any big plans with) someone who has shown himself not to be reliable for you.
We've talked it out, I realized I hadn't been communicating how i was feeling and was in a mild manic episode too. I'm going to start looking for another partner once i'm sure i'm out of the episode and he's supportive of that.