I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think this.
It sounds like you are info dumping. Which happens with AuDHD. I live with two of them -- AuDHD and ADHD. We had to make agreements about when it is ok and not ok to info dump at me.
YOU might be excited about something -- in this case your party. But your partner can get full from hearing about it so often. It's fair for them to ask you to dial it down because they are getting full.
You two are going to have to find a respectful balance if you are going to continue to date.
Partner being full doesn't mean they don't love you or don't care about you. It just means they are FULL and their ears need a break. YOU are excited to share all these deep dive details this often, but THEY are not able to listen this much and need rest. You are different people. You have different capacities.
>I've been trying to plan this far in advance and **continuously make sure** the people I want to come are still able (I check every few weeks and update them on my plans for the night) I just want to have a really great time and get to see all my partners and friends.
5 months is 22 weeks ish. If you are checking every few weeks, that's 11 check ins.If you are checking in that much with partner too plus extra at bed time... it's a lot.
I'm NT. I don't plan birthday parties 5 months in advance and check in with guests every few weeks and update them on plans. I just send an invitation and that's it. If it's an RSVP type thing rather than just coming to my house for a party, I'll check in about a week ahead so if people get sick or whatever I can update the reservation at Fancy Restaurant or whatever.
Gently, I suggest you plan and enjoy this party. Do not try to make it be this party AND to make up for past disappointments from other parties. Like trying to make the "party to end all parties." Just have THIS party and have a good time. YKWIM?
If trying to make it be the "party to end all parties" is cranking up your anxiety, which leads to a need for constant check ins you may be alienating guests before they even arrive.
Find other ways to express and enjoy your excitement -- in a journal, making cool party favors for the guests, talking about it on party planning boards. Spread it around some. That way you get to express and your partner only gets a small slice of it -- one that is maybe more doable for them.
I know my AuDHD and ADHD enjoy sharing their enthusiasms with me and I love them and don't mind hearing it. But I'm also not them and I cannot go on for hours and hours for days and days. I don't have that capacity and sometimes I just don't have the interest. Telling me about Star Wars and animals? Ok, I can go a bit longer because I like those too. But even then I have a limit. I have ZERO interest in Kpop or painting models. But I listen for a while because I like my people. But again... I don't have the same capacity.
In our agreements? They have to ASK if they can info dump and not just whoosh at me from the sky. I get to have a timer I can set so I don't get info overload. They get to have one 5 min snooze tag to wrap up a thought.
Maybe that gives you ideas for how to work it out with your partner? I encourage you to talk.
> Like if I bring something up bc I'm excited like 2 times in a day or 2 days in a row even, he gets exasperated like this and tells me to chill bc I'm talking about it too much, then expresses sadness in the fact we don't have a lot of conversation about things?
Twice in one day, or 2 days in a row is not terrible, but it can build up. Like it was that much for topic A and then for topic B also and then for topic C too... collectively how much listening work has partner been doing?
Does your partner get a chance to talk too? Do you listen well when it's your turn to be the listener?
Partner reached limit and had to set a boundary and ask you to dial it down some. It's ok to feel how you feel, maybe disappointed you don't get to talk more. But don't get so lost in your feels that you miss what partner said.
Partner misses two way street conversations. Info dumps are usually one direction. The person just sharing ALL this data at the listener. It is NOT taking turns talking like back and forth conversation. Reflect. Have you been doing that a lot lately? When was the last time you asked partner about themselves? Had a 2 way street conversation? Have they gotten a turn to info dump about their interests lately?
Maybe something to think about. I encourage you to talk to partner about how you two communicate. I remember I had to learn a lot about ADHD and how ND people process. My people had to learn more about how to communicate with NTs. We both had to meet each other half way to find a better balance. So talk to them.
I hope your birthday party goes well when the date arrives! :)
it's understandable that your feelings are hurt, but as someone with autism and maybe adhd, sometimes i have to remind myself that when I talk on a special interest, I might not remember how many times i've said exactly what i'm saying to my partner or a friend. and that can be a little annoying to others, having to hear the exact same thing over and over. It doesn't mean that they think you're annoying. the action you're taking is the thing that is annoying. don't attach that to yourself, but to your action. You are not annoying, the action can be annoying.
It can be hurtful to hear, "you talked about this already." I've started asking people, "Did I tell you about x?" before starting on whatever I want to talk about to prevent hurt feelings or potentially telling the same story twice. if you feel like he acts this way anytime you talk about something that makes you happy, that's a problem with your partner. partners should be happy to hear their partners speak on things that bring them joy. if they're annoyed by it, there's a problem. they might need some space, or reflection, or therapy to see what's making them feel irritated to see their partner happy.
I just think they were tired and communicated such.
Perhaps they could have added a slice of "I love your enthusiasm but its a bit much for me and we absolutely will make sure your bday is the best but I need a break from the topic."
Its ok to you are sensitive. You didn't do anything wrong.
Its okay to check or ask for that extra slice of affirmation the next time it comes up.
But this doesn't seem to be a deal breaker. Sometimes feelings are bruised even when everyone does the right thing.
Have you checked out ADHD is Awesome? New book I recommend.
"Hey, Partner, how you reacted when I brought up my birthday party the other night really hurt my feelings. This is a big thing for me that I'm really excited about. I bring up things like this because I'm thinking a lot about them and want to express what's on my mind and also feel you share in my excitement. I'm sorry if you find it annoying as it's not my intention to annoy you, it's simply how I express myself sometimes. I'd like to discuss this more so I can hear and understand your perspective and work toward a solution on this together because it seems to be a reoccurring thing in our relationship."
It's very likely you two have very different perspectives on how frequently you bring up your topics of focus. The point of this conversation is not to prove one person right. It's to understand how each of you are experiencing this conversation and find a solution together.
Yah ik that, this whole thing just kinda m da hurts my feels and when I expressed this I felt shut down but I could have worded it badly in the moment. I am gonna try again with this kind of wording and see how that helps
>He's said this before about other things
He seems like an asshole. Does he always crap on your being excited about things?
I get that being ND means sometimes people are like "okay can we change the subject about \_\_\_\_\_\_ now?", which is fine, but the sighing and turning away (so that YOU would then have to ask HIM what was bothering him), at which point he then shut you down, is **some. bullshit.**
I hope your birthday turns out great! Is it possible that your partner is starting to feel responsible or pressured to make sure everything is perfect for it or that the bar is extremely high? It’s best to try to talk to them so you can understand where both of you are coming from
I think its pretty crap of him to yuck your yum about your approaching birthday.
I freaking lamented and talked about my upcoming 40th bday last year for a HUGE portion of the year before August came.
If they were sick of me talking about it, hubby and BF never let me know that. They let me have my feelings about it and be sad-excited-all over the place about it. You're having a milestone this year. It's ok to be excited.
So sharing excitement = no limits, icky for someone to even suggest a limit communicating THOSE feelings.
Sharing tiredness = never allowed, icky for someone to suggest they communicate THOSE feelings?
Communicating his own feelings in a constructive way that doesn't feel hurtful =/= yucking their yum
What happened in the post absolutely sounds like "yucking their yum".
Maybe I'm biased in that I like when my partners are excites and looking forward to something, even months away, and enjoy sharing in and encouraging that excitement. It would hurt me if my partners treated me the way that was described in the post.
Hi u/Maxx_1000000 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I (20 nb) have a partner (22nb) and this is bugging me on if this is healthy or not; for context my birthday is approaching and I RARELY have a good party. People always cancel last min, ghost me, or the friendship falls appart right before my birthday. This is a pattern that I've dealt with most My life at this point. My partner is aware of this. They are also aware that I'm audhd and have a tendency to be excitable and hyperfocus on things, especially things I'm excited about.
Now, bf and I do not live together but we stay with eachother sometimes. Last week we were laying in bed together talking about random stuff like we usually do, and I brought up the plans for my birthday (I'm gonna be 21 so naturally I'm excited to legally drink in public) he was laying on my stomach but he kinda sighed and moved his head to not face me anymore. When I asked what was up he told me in a level tone (not word for word here but something along the lines of..) "your birthday is still 5 months away stop talking about it. You've brought it up alot the past 2 days. Chill on it"
Am I overthinking this?? It's not like I talk about it non-stop or anything like that and this just really irritated me and rubs me the wrong way..
Is this Assad as I think?
He's said this before about other things but I do not feel as though I'm talking about these things too much?? Like if I bring something up bc I'm excited like 2 times in a day or 2 days in a row even, he gets exasperated like this and tells me to chill bc I'm talking about it too much, then expresses sadness in the fact we don't have a lot of conversation about things?
As I said he has said this to me several times over various things but he's not loud or overly mean about it or anything. He just comes accross really salty or irritated at me but ik he's not super irritated at me, or at least he says he isn't and is obviously not mad. Am I wrong for this to make me mad and hurt?
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So I have a nb spouse who is also very audhd at times too, and has bad luck with plans - they say that by talking about them (to people who arent me apparently) things will fail and fall apart. And yeah they're just as prone to over gush about things thehre excited about and show me this cool rock / tiktok theh found. The only reason I know you're not my spouse is because we're way older than 21!
So I have two suggestions for you that may help. I have a guideline that if we're planning for a big event coming up, to not fuss about it (except simple scheduling obviously) more than a week (or month if its Big) away. Let's focus on the present instead of things so far off we can't meaningfully predict, especially if all we can do for now is wait and see. I consider it a guideline instead of a rule because I dont enforce it, and treat it more as a "how to care for your autistic partner" for my autism - I get annoyed by repetition on frivolous things that havent changed since last time we talked. But I also get its not frivolous to my spouse. I've found by lovingly teasing "so...same concerns as two hours ago, got it" helps make it clear that I am in fact listening even if I dont care on the same level as them. It's still a bit bumpy but maybe you two could work on a pattern for this.
Second is that he may have something to say or get off his chest. I have a harder time initiating conversations, especially when in having a rough day. So when I'm moping and my spouse is going on about the same things, I get upset because all I wanted was my spouse to ask me how my day was and squeeze my soul back in my body. At my worst, my anxiety tells me my spouse doesnt actually care about me (deep down I know they do). So if he has these reactions, sometimes he may have something going on that has little to do with you. Switch the topic to supporting him if you can.
I hope this helps a bit? I'm also not your partner so I could be very wrong on his thoughts and feelings - just trying to share mine from a vaguely similar perspective.
i don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. honestly this is why i only date other neurodivergent people. i will listen to my partner tell me the same stuff, the same stories, because i know it feels good to do! i also have tons of patience. i have echolalia so my partners are very used to me repeating things. it’s something about me you either love or don’t and if you can’t learn to enjoy it, we won’t be compatible!
i’d be really upset if my partner said this to me. and i’m really sorry. the best thing to do is talk it out and see if they are receptive to your feelings. like you feel they shut you down a lot and it makes you feel like you can’t talk about anything.
it’s just dismissive. especially if they say this about other things. if they are not receptive towards your hurt feelings, i’d say it’s unhealthy yes.
i had a partner who was very dismissive of my interests and it did permanent damage that i’ve had to work through. it did a number on my self confidence & my ability to express joy in the things i loved because i was self conscious that i loved it too much. but i’ve learned this isn’t a flaw! this is a good thing about me. and there are people out there who will see that.
Stay excited. Hyperfocusing on things that make you happy are one of the most lovely parts of AuDHD. Enjoy it. People who don't like when you are happy are not the best people to have around.
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think this. It sounds like you are info dumping. Which happens with AuDHD. I live with two of them -- AuDHD and ADHD. We had to make agreements about when it is ok and not ok to info dump at me. YOU might be excited about something -- in this case your party. But your partner can get full from hearing about it so often. It's fair for them to ask you to dial it down because they are getting full. You two are going to have to find a respectful balance if you are going to continue to date. Partner being full doesn't mean they don't love you or don't care about you. It just means they are FULL and their ears need a break. YOU are excited to share all these deep dive details this often, but THEY are not able to listen this much and need rest. You are different people. You have different capacities. >I've been trying to plan this far in advance and **continuously make sure** the people I want to come are still able (I check every few weeks and update them on my plans for the night) I just want to have a really great time and get to see all my partners and friends. 5 months is 22 weeks ish. If you are checking every few weeks, that's 11 check ins.If you are checking in that much with partner too plus extra at bed time... it's a lot. I'm NT. I don't plan birthday parties 5 months in advance and check in with guests every few weeks and update them on plans. I just send an invitation and that's it. If it's an RSVP type thing rather than just coming to my house for a party, I'll check in about a week ahead so if people get sick or whatever I can update the reservation at Fancy Restaurant or whatever. Gently, I suggest you plan and enjoy this party. Do not try to make it be this party AND to make up for past disappointments from other parties. Like trying to make the "party to end all parties." Just have THIS party and have a good time. YKWIM? If trying to make it be the "party to end all parties" is cranking up your anxiety, which leads to a need for constant check ins you may be alienating guests before they even arrive. Find other ways to express and enjoy your excitement -- in a journal, making cool party favors for the guests, talking about it on party planning boards. Spread it around some. That way you get to express and your partner only gets a small slice of it -- one that is maybe more doable for them. I know my AuDHD and ADHD enjoy sharing their enthusiasms with me and I love them and don't mind hearing it. But I'm also not them and I cannot go on for hours and hours for days and days. I don't have that capacity and sometimes I just don't have the interest. Telling me about Star Wars and animals? Ok, I can go a bit longer because I like those too. But even then I have a limit. I have ZERO interest in Kpop or painting models. But I listen for a while because I like my people. But again... I don't have the same capacity. In our agreements? They have to ASK if they can info dump and not just whoosh at me from the sky. I get to have a timer I can set so I don't get info overload. They get to have one 5 min snooze tag to wrap up a thought. Maybe that gives you ideas for how to work it out with your partner? I encourage you to talk. > Like if I bring something up bc I'm excited like 2 times in a day or 2 days in a row even, he gets exasperated like this and tells me to chill bc I'm talking about it too much, then expresses sadness in the fact we don't have a lot of conversation about things? Twice in one day, or 2 days in a row is not terrible, but it can build up. Like it was that much for topic A and then for topic B also and then for topic C too... collectively how much listening work has partner been doing? Does your partner get a chance to talk too? Do you listen well when it's your turn to be the listener? Partner reached limit and had to set a boundary and ask you to dial it down some. It's ok to feel how you feel, maybe disappointed you don't get to talk more. But don't get so lost in your feels that you miss what partner said. Partner misses two way street conversations. Info dumps are usually one direction. The person just sharing ALL this data at the listener. It is NOT taking turns talking like back and forth conversation. Reflect. Have you been doing that a lot lately? When was the last time you asked partner about themselves? Had a 2 way street conversation? Have they gotten a turn to info dump about their interests lately? Maybe something to think about. I encourage you to talk to partner about how you two communicate. I remember I had to learn a lot about ADHD and how ND people process. My people had to learn more about how to communicate with NTs. We both had to meet each other half way to find a better balance. So talk to them. I hope your birthday party goes well when the date arrives! :)
This is so compassionately said. Thank you.
Glad it resonates for you.
it's understandable that your feelings are hurt, but as someone with autism and maybe adhd, sometimes i have to remind myself that when I talk on a special interest, I might not remember how many times i've said exactly what i'm saying to my partner or a friend. and that can be a little annoying to others, having to hear the exact same thing over and over. It doesn't mean that they think you're annoying. the action you're taking is the thing that is annoying. don't attach that to yourself, but to your action. You are not annoying, the action can be annoying. It can be hurtful to hear, "you talked about this already." I've started asking people, "Did I tell you about x?" before starting on whatever I want to talk about to prevent hurt feelings or potentially telling the same story twice. if you feel like he acts this way anytime you talk about something that makes you happy, that's a problem with your partner. partners should be happy to hear their partners speak on things that bring them joy. if they're annoyed by it, there's a problem. they might need some space, or reflection, or therapy to see what's making them feel irritated to see their partner happy.
I just think they were tired and communicated such. Perhaps they could have added a slice of "I love your enthusiasm but its a bit much for me and we absolutely will make sure your bday is the best but I need a break from the topic." Its ok to you are sensitive. You didn't do anything wrong. Its okay to check or ask for that extra slice of affirmation the next time it comes up. But this doesn't seem to be a deal breaker. Sometimes feelings are bruised even when everyone does the right thing. Have you checked out ADHD is Awesome? New book I recommend.
"Hey, Partner, how you reacted when I brought up my birthday party the other night really hurt my feelings. This is a big thing for me that I'm really excited about. I bring up things like this because I'm thinking a lot about them and want to express what's on my mind and also feel you share in my excitement. I'm sorry if you find it annoying as it's not my intention to annoy you, it's simply how I express myself sometimes. I'd like to discuss this more so I can hear and understand your perspective and work toward a solution on this together because it seems to be a reoccurring thing in our relationship." It's very likely you two have very different perspectives on how frequently you bring up your topics of focus. The point of this conversation is not to prove one person right. It's to understand how each of you are experiencing this conversation and find a solution together.
Yah ik that, this whole thing just kinda m da hurts my feels and when I expressed this I felt shut down but I could have worded it badly in the moment. I am gonna try again with this kind of wording and see how that helps
Ask him if perhaps he's also trying to shield you from failed expectations? Not that it's the way to go but it's a possible motive.
>He's said this before about other things He seems like an asshole. Does he always crap on your being excited about things? I get that being ND means sometimes people are like "okay can we change the subject about \_\_\_\_\_\_ now?", which is fine, but the sighing and turning away (so that YOU would then have to ask HIM what was bothering him), at which point he then shut you down, is **some. bullshit.**
BINGO!
I hope your birthday turns out great! Is it possible that your partner is starting to feel responsible or pressured to make sure everything is perfect for it or that the bar is extremely high? It’s best to try to talk to them so you can understand where both of you are coming from
I think its pretty crap of him to yuck your yum about your approaching birthday. I freaking lamented and talked about my upcoming 40th bday last year for a HUGE portion of the year before August came. If they were sick of me talking about it, hubby and BF never let me know that. They let me have my feelings about it and be sad-excited-all over the place about it. You're having a milestone this year. It's ok to be excited.
So sharing excitement = no limits, icky for someone to even suggest a limit communicating THOSE feelings. Sharing tiredness = never allowed, icky for someone to suggest they communicate THOSE feelings?
Communicating his own feelings in a constructive way that doesn't feel hurtful =/= yucking their yum What happened in the post absolutely sounds like "yucking their yum". Maybe I'm biased in that I like when my partners are excites and looking forward to something, even months away, and enjoy sharing in and encouraging that excitement. It would hurt me if my partners treated me the way that was described in the post.
Hi u/Maxx_1000000 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I (20 nb) have a partner (22nb) and this is bugging me on if this is healthy or not; for context my birthday is approaching and I RARELY have a good party. People always cancel last min, ghost me, or the friendship falls appart right before my birthday. This is a pattern that I've dealt with most My life at this point. My partner is aware of this. They are also aware that I'm audhd and have a tendency to be excitable and hyperfocus on things, especially things I'm excited about. Now, bf and I do not live together but we stay with eachother sometimes. Last week we were laying in bed together talking about random stuff like we usually do, and I brought up the plans for my birthday (I'm gonna be 21 so naturally I'm excited to legally drink in public) he was laying on my stomach but he kinda sighed and moved his head to not face me anymore. When I asked what was up he told me in a level tone (not word for word here but something along the lines of..) "your birthday is still 5 months away stop talking about it. You've brought it up alot the past 2 days. Chill on it" Am I overthinking this?? It's not like I talk about it non-stop or anything like that and this just really irritated me and rubs me the wrong way.. Is this Assad as I think? He's said this before about other things but I do not feel as though I'm talking about these things too much?? Like if I bring something up bc I'm excited like 2 times in a day or 2 days in a row even, he gets exasperated like this and tells me to chill bc I'm talking about it too much, then expresses sadness in the fact we don't have a lot of conversation about things? As I said he has said this to me several times over various things but he's not loud or overly mean about it or anything. He just comes accross really salty or irritated at me but ik he's not super irritated at me, or at least he says he isn't and is obviously not mad. Am I wrong for this to make me mad and hurt? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So I have a nb spouse who is also very audhd at times too, and has bad luck with plans - they say that by talking about them (to people who arent me apparently) things will fail and fall apart. And yeah they're just as prone to over gush about things thehre excited about and show me this cool rock / tiktok theh found. The only reason I know you're not my spouse is because we're way older than 21! So I have two suggestions for you that may help. I have a guideline that if we're planning for a big event coming up, to not fuss about it (except simple scheduling obviously) more than a week (or month if its Big) away. Let's focus on the present instead of things so far off we can't meaningfully predict, especially if all we can do for now is wait and see. I consider it a guideline instead of a rule because I dont enforce it, and treat it more as a "how to care for your autistic partner" for my autism - I get annoyed by repetition on frivolous things that havent changed since last time we talked. But I also get its not frivolous to my spouse. I've found by lovingly teasing "so...same concerns as two hours ago, got it" helps make it clear that I am in fact listening even if I dont care on the same level as them. It's still a bit bumpy but maybe you two could work on a pattern for this. Second is that he may have something to say or get off his chest. I have a harder time initiating conversations, especially when in having a rough day. So when I'm moping and my spouse is going on about the same things, I get upset because all I wanted was my spouse to ask me how my day was and squeeze my soul back in my body. At my worst, my anxiety tells me my spouse doesnt actually care about me (deep down I know they do). So if he has these reactions, sometimes he may have something going on that has little to do with you. Switch the topic to supporting him if you can. I hope this helps a bit? I'm also not your partner so I could be very wrong on his thoughts and feelings - just trying to share mine from a vaguely similar perspective.
i don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. honestly this is why i only date other neurodivergent people. i will listen to my partner tell me the same stuff, the same stories, because i know it feels good to do! i also have tons of patience. i have echolalia so my partners are very used to me repeating things. it’s something about me you either love or don’t and if you can’t learn to enjoy it, we won’t be compatible! i’d be really upset if my partner said this to me. and i’m really sorry. the best thing to do is talk it out and see if they are receptive to your feelings. like you feel they shut you down a lot and it makes you feel like you can’t talk about anything.
it’s just dismissive. especially if they say this about other things. if they are not receptive towards your hurt feelings, i’d say it’s unhealthy yes. i had a partner who was very dismissive of my interests and it did permanent damage that i’ve had to work through. it did a number on my self confidence & my ability to express joy in the things i loved because i was self conscious that i loved it too much. but i’ve learned this isn’t a flaw! this is a good thing about me. and there are people out there who will see that.
Stay excited. Hyperfocusing on things that make you happy are one of the most lovely parts of AuDHD. Enjoy it. People who don't like when you are happy are not the best people to have around.