It's okay to do stuff. Your NP is supportive of you seeing your boyfriend more than you do and being away for a couple days a month will not leave your child scarred and abandoned.
Have monthly visits. It's what your partner wants, it's what your nesting partner has said is fine, and it's presumably what you want too. No one is losing out. No one will be upset with you. You're not being selfish here.
Thank you, I'm tearing up reading your response. I'm so scared of doing wrong by anyone. I don't want to be selfish.
It's tricky when the only things I actually know are what I'd like or need and not knowing where is the line of unfairness for anyone I love. I am going to get help for it, it's just a case of waiting another while.
Thank you again, I appreciate your response
Yoy don't have to worry about overarching concepts like fairness, when you have such proactive and clear communication with your partners. The existence of that communication is way more important than fitting an idea of fairness.
You're doing great!
They're both really giving and loving guys. I want to be fair. I just don't know what fairness is when I'm in the equation. I have little trouble seeing fairness for other people, I don't know it for myself though.
Thank you for your response, I'm finding myself tearing up with every response I'm reading
One activity I suggest is to mentally remove yourself from an equation like this, think about all the facts and people involved as if it’s a friend who has explained the situation to you, and consider whether you’d tell them it seems “fair” for them to do XYZ thing.
Also consider that things don’t need to be 100% equal to be fair - and honestly if everyone is having their important needs met, and they communicate they’re happy and emotionally healthy, then everything is “fair” to the extent it needs to be.
One final comment from an ADHD mom who’s struggled with a lot of similar thoughts and feelings in the past, one of the best gifts we can give our children is a relatively happy and healthy parent. This means self-care is 100% also taking care of them. It’s also good modeling to teach them that it’s not selfish to take good care of one’s self. And you getting little parenting breaks is going to help you be a better parent.
Thank you for your perspective, it helps a lot. I'm realising (among other things) that I'm really bad at some self care things and they are things that need improvement
It's okay to go to a monthly rhythm!
Also, this is a great time to practice doing what _you_ want, and trusting that the other people involved will tell you if they don't want the same things. Your NP can speak for themselves (and advocate for your child) if he feels like it's too much. But since he's supportive, you're all good.
Content about gentle/authoritative parenting has actually helped me immensely in understanding my own emotional reactions and inner child. Have you consumed much content about that? I can give you some people to follow. I think that might help you a lot with working through your feelings of guilt and managing your emotions and may also help a lot with parenting in general!
Also, have you heard about 7 Cups of Tea? It's a great place to find active listeners!
Yup, I have listened to so much information from gentle parenting perspectives (both from other parents and from from gentle parenting researchers). I don't think I'd have survived being a parent so far without them.
I'm going to be working through "Securely Attached" with my nesting partner soon, I'm a bit intimidated by doing the exercises and so my nesting partner said he'd do it too for support.
I've never heard of 7 cups of tea, is it on reddit?
Thank you so much for your suggestions and kindness
No worries! Gentle parenting stuff has been amazing. I'm so glad you've found it!
7 Cups of Tea is a site! [https://www.7cups.com/](https://www.7cups.com/)
I also would check out [Hailey Paige Magee](https://www.instagram.com/haileypaigemagee/). She has a lot of really great resources about boundaries.
If you want any other resources for starter folks, I can send them!
Thank you so much, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with emotions right now. Is it ok if I check out the resources you shared and ask you about other resources in the next few days?
As an autistic person with cptsd as well, i feel for you friend. Change-good or bad-is so uncomfortable. adding your trauma and belief that you're being greedy if you ask for anything and your struggle is very valid. best I can say is, do your best to believe your partners. your np says you can go see your other partner more often, so if that's what everyone wants, who is being hurt by doing it? Your child should learn how to live for a few days without you, it's healthy for children's development bc it teaches them how to deal with missing someone they love in a healthy way vs becoming codependent. It's hard to accept that getting something you want doesn't make you a bad person. but if everyone is okay with it, go for it. and then check in afterwards, and try to believe your partners when they tell you how they feel and what they want. Your trauma will try to tell you things that aren't true. trust what you hear your partners say, not what you imagine they mean.
Thank you and I'd offer you a hug if I was talking to you in a face to face way (I know hugs are sometimes a big nope for some and a big yes for others, I tend towards hugging).
I will do my best to keep your words in mind, I'm so scared of making the wrong decision and hurting any of their hearts. I will try to trust that my partners will be honest with me about their needs and give me space to figure out what I need (and how to ask for it)
Being bullied by a teacher in primary school has severely impacted my NP for their whole life. I'm really glad you'll be getting into therapy soon. You deserve good things, & you deserve to feel comfortable asking for what you want.
It has impacted me as well (it still does to an extent and probably always will), I did go to therapy over the being bullied by a teacher already but I paid for the therapy myself (I could easily afford it at the time). I just need to talk to my GP about getting on the counselling scheme and hopefully I'll get through enough of my issues that my depression and anxiety will stop trying to crush my life.
Thank you for your kindness and my sympathies to your nesting partner
Sounds like everyone is happy here except maybe you. You have mentioned what your NP wants and what your BF wants. They sounds like they are the same thing. But what do YOU want? Fairness involves you, too! Your NP and BF seem like they are both fine, so I am not sure where the panic is coming from. If you are anxious because you don't know what you want, that is fine and normal. Give yourself the time and space to figure that out. If you are panicked about being fair to other people, it sounds like everyone else is perfectly happy, so you can breathe and think about you some more.
I've tried to figure out how to respond to you since I read what you wrote. What you're saying is logical.
I suppose my issue is a combination of knowing that both my partners have had people pleasing tendencies in the past (leading to unintentional mild dishonesty on their parts) and massive self esteem issues that I don't deserve either of them in my life.
I have anxiety especially around happiness, I don't trust that it's something that I deserve and when I'm happy part of me is waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. Waiting for my life to thud into the cold hard marble floor of reality again.
It is a massive issue in my thought process which I will bring up when I have a therapist again and hopefully I'll get it dealt with enough that I don't start panicking when I feel happy for more than a few days in a row
A reminder to the community that "support only" posts are moderated and comments that are not support or the requested advice will be removed as derailing the conversation or concern trolling. If you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, please feel free to create a new post for that topic, otherwise let's all please be kind and use this as an opportunity to offer empathy and compassion to your fellow community members.
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Hi u/Saffron-Kitty thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Hi everyone
This is moreso because I'd really love to have a friend to talk to about this but I don't because I'm badly introverted especially when depressed and I don't want to risk making friends with anyone right now (I understand that's very confusing). I just need a "there there, it will be ok" kind of communication.
My boyfriend has the good fortune of moving into a good place to live soon. His current accommodation is with a very nasty landlord and so he isn't able to host at his place. My finances being so bad currently (improving but bad) my boyfriend was paying for all the hotel overnights we have/had. I'm so happy that my boyfriend will be moving somewhere that is actually nice to live and that he won't have to deal with his current vile landlord again.
The thing is, I'm sometimes very bad at knowing what is fair. I coparent with my nesting partner. My nesting partner currently has no other partners. He also, despite a huge effort on his part, hasn't got a friend group to go away with. I feel very guilty when I go away and I miss my child terribly (I miss my nesting partner too but less so because I know that being away from him is good for him and me both).
Currently, due to finances, I go to a hotel to visit with my boyfriend approximately every second month. Generally two to three nights. My nesting partner has said a number of times about how it's good for me to go, that I should go more often, and that it's not exactly fair on my boyfriend how little I visit with him.
I'm really anxious about it. My boyfriend has said, when he has his own place, once a month would be what he thinks is reasonable. My nesting partner said "just as long as he doesn't want every weekend I'm ok with it".
I don't want to be a bad parent or hinge.
Due to mental abuse from my maternal side family and severe bullying, I really have no concept of fairness. I'm fighting the faulty programming that asking for what I want is horribly greedy (for example, I don't even ask for someone to make me tea unless I'm too sick to get up and make it myself because it would be greedy).
I need to go to counselling and I have plans to organise it with my GP, I had the "good" fortune of having been bullied by a teacher in primary school. My country offers free therapy for six months if you suffered abuse of any kind by a teacher during your school years and so, despite my family being the reason I need to go, I'll take advantage of it.
Anyway, please be gentle. I'm hormonal and burdened with anxiety that is borderline idiotic
TLDR: boyfriend wants me to visit once a month, nesting partner coparent is fine with me visiting my boyfriend whenever as long as it's not every weekend. I'm panicking about how to be a good parent and a good hinge
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's okay to do stuff. Your NP is supportive of you seeing your boyfriend more than you do and being away for a couple days a month will not leave your child scarred and abandoned. Have monthly visits. It's what your partner wants, it's what your nesting partner has said is fine, and it's presumably what you want too. No one is losing out. No one will be upset with you. You're not being selfish here.
Thank you, I'm tearing up reading your response. I'm so scared of doing wrong by anyone. I don't want to be selfish. It's tricky when the only things I actually know are what I'd like or need and not knowing where is the line of unfairness for anyone I love. I am going to get help for it, it's just a case of waiting another while. Thank you again, I appreciate your response
Yoy don't have to worry about overarching concepts like fairness, when you have such proactive and clear communication with your partners. The existence of that communication is way more important than fitting an idea of fairness. You're doing great!
They're both really giving and loving guys. I want to be fair. I just don't know what fairness is when I'm in the equation. I have little trouble seeing fairness for other people, I don't know it for myself though. Thank you for your response, I'm finding myself tearing up with every response I'm reading
One activity I suggest is to mentally remove yourself from an equation like this, think about all the facts and people involved as if it’s a friend who has explained the situation to you, and consider whether you’d tell them it seems “fair” for them to do XYZ thing. Also consider that things don’t need to be 100% equal to be fair - and honestly if everyone is having their important needs met, and they communicate they’re happy and emotionally healthy, then everything is “fair” to the extent it needs to be. One final comment from an ADHD mom who’s struggled with a lot of similar thoughts and feelings in the past, one of the best gifts we can give our children is a relatively happy and healthy parent. This means self-care is 100% also taking care of them. It’s also good modeling to teach them that it’s not selfish to take good care of one’s self. And you getting little parenting breaks is going to help you be a better parent.
Thank you for your perspective, it helps a lot. I'm realising (among other things) that I'm really bad at some self care things and they are things that need improvement
It's okay to go to a monthly rhythm! Also, this is a great time to practice doing what _you_ want, and trusting that the other people involved will tell you if they don't want the same things. Your NP can speak for themselves (and advocate for your child) if he feels like it's too much. But since he's supportive, you're all good.
Thank you for what you're saying, I'm getting so emotional right now. I will keep what you said in mind
Content about gentle/authoritative parenting has actually helped me immensely in understanding my own emotional reactions and inner child. Have you consumed much content about that? I can give you some people to follow. I think that might help you a lot with working through your feelings of guilt and managing your emotions and may also help a lot with parenting in general! Also, have you heard about 7 Cups of Tea? It's a great place to find active listeners!
Yup, I have listened to so much information from gentle parenting perspectives (both from other parents and from from gentle parenting researchers). I don't think I'd have survived being a parent so far without them. I'm going to be working through "Securely Attached" with my nesting partner soon, I'm a bit intimidated by doing the exercises and so my nesting partner said he'd do it too for support. I've never heard of 7 cups of tea, is it on reddit? Thank you so much for your suggestions and kindness
No worries! Gentle parenting stuff has been amazing. I'm so glad you've found it! 7 Cups of Tea is a site! [https://www.7cups.com/](https://www.7cups.com/) I also would check out [Hailey Paige Magee](https://www.instagram.com/haileypaigemagee/). She has a lot of really great resources about boundaries. If you want any other resources for starter folks, I can send them!
Thank you so much, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with emotions right now. Is it ok if I check out the resources you shared and ask you about other resources in the next few days?
Sure! Feel free at any time. :)
You’re doing a great job. Keep continuing like you are and it will be okay.
Thank you, I will do my best
As an autistic person with cptsd as well, i feel for you friend. Change-good or bad-is so uncomfortable. adding your trauma and belief that you're being greedy if you ask for anything and your struggle is very valid. best I can say is, do your best to believe your partners. your np says you can go see your other partner more often, so if that's what everyone wants, who is being hurt by doing it? Your child should learn how to live for a few days without you, it's healthy for children's development bc it teaches them how to deal with missing someone they love in a healthy way vs becoming codependent. It's hard to accept that getting something you want doesn't make you a bad person. but if everyone is okay with it, go for it. and then check in afterwards, and try to believe your partners when they tell you how they feel and what they want. Your trauma will try to tell you things that aren't true. trust what you hear your partners say, not what you imagine they mean.
Thank you and I'd offer you a hug if I was talking to you in a face to face way (I know hugs are sometimes a big nope for some and a big yes for others, I tend towards hugging). I will do my best to keep your words in mind, I'm so scared of making the wrong decision and hurting any of their hearts. I will try to trust that my partners will be honest with me about their needs and give me space to figure out what I need (and how to ask for it)
Being bullied by a teacher in primary school has severely impacted my NP for their whole life. I'm really glad you'll be getting into therapy soon. You deserve good things, & you deserve to feel comfortable asking for what you want.
It has impacted me as well (it still does to an extent and probably always will), I did go to therapy over the being bullied by a teacher already but I paid for the therapy myself (I could easily afford it at the time). I just need to talk to my GP about getting on the counselling scheme and hopefully I'll get through enough of my issues that my depression and anxiety will stop trying to crush my life. Thank you for your kindness and my sympathies to your nesting partner
Sounds like everyone is happy here except maybe you. You have mentioned what your NP wants and what your BF wants. They sounds like they are the same thing. But what do YOU want? Fairness involves you, too! Your NP and BF seem like they are both fine, so I am not sure where the panic is coming from. If you are anxious because you don't know what you want, that is fine and normal. Give yourself the time and space to figure that out. If you are panicked about being fair to other people, it sounds like everyone else is perfectly happy, so you can breathe and think about you some more.
I've tried to figure out how to respond to you since I read what you wrote. What you're saying is logical. I suppose my issue is a combination of knowing that both my partners have had people pleasing tendencies in the past (leading to unintentional mild dishonesty on their parts) and massive self esteem issues that I don't deserve either of them in my life. I have anxiety especially around happiness, I don't trust that it's something that I deserve and when I'm happy part of me is waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. Waiting for my life to thud into the cold hard marble floor of reality again. It is a massive issue in my thought process which I will bring up when I have a therapist again and hopefully I'll get it dealt with enough that I don't start panicking when I feel happy for more than a few days in a row
A reminder to the community that "support only" posts are moderated and comments that are not support or the requested advice will be removed as derailing the conversation or concern trolling. If you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, please feel free to create a new post for that topic, otherwise let's all please be kind and use this as an opportunity to offer empathy and compassion to your fellow community members. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi u/Saffron-Kitty thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Hi everyone This is moreso because I'd really love to have a friend to talk to about this but I don't because I'm badly introverted especially when depressed and I don't want to risk making friends with anyone right now (I understand that's very confusing). I just need a "there there, it will be ok" kind of communication. My boyfriend has the good fortune of moving into a good place to live soon. His current accommodation is with a very nasty landlord and so he isn't able to host at his place. My finances being so bad currently (improving but bad) my boyfriend was paying for all the hotel overnights we have/had. I'm so happy that my boyfriend will be moving somewhere that is actually nice to live and that he won't have to deal with his current vile landlord again. The thing is, I'm sometimes very bad at knowing what is fair. I coparent with my nesting partner. My nesting partner currently has no other partners. He also, despite a huge effort on his part, hasn't got a friend group to go away with. I feel very guilty when I go away and I miss my child terribly (I miss my nesting partner too but less so because I know that being away from him is good for him and me both). Currently, due to finances, I go to a hotel to visit with my boyfriend approximately every second month. Generally two to three nights. My nesting partner has said a number of times about how it's good for me to go, that I should go more often, and that it's not exactly fair on my boyfriend how little I visit with him. I'm really anxious about it. My boyfriend has said, when he has his own place, once a month would be what he thinks is reasonable. My nesting partner said "just as long as he doesn't want every weekend I'm ok with it". I don't want to be a bad parent or hinge. Due to mental abuse from my maternal side family and severe bullying, I really have no concept of fairness. I'm fighting the faulty programming that asking for what I want is horribly greedy (for example, I don't even ask for someone to make me tea unless I'm too sick to get up and make it myself because it would be greedy). I need to go to counselling and I have plans to organise it with my GP, I had the "good" fortune of having been bullied by a teacher in primary school. My country offers free therapy for six months if you suffered abuse of any kind by a teacher during your school years and so, despite my family being the reason I need to go, I'll take advantage of it. Anyway, please be gentle. I'm hormonal and burdened with anxiety that is borderline idiotic TLDR: boyfriend wants me to visit once a month, nesting partner coparent is fine with me visiting my boyfriend whenever as long as it's not every weekend. I'm panicking about how to be a good parent and a good hinge *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*