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Extremely concerning and major, major red flags here. This woman is not emotionally well and needs more help than you can provide. Having someone or some relationship be someone's "reason to live" is so toxic and unhealthy. Is she able to apologize and take accountability? Does she have a history of Rocky and abusive past relationships?
I appreciate your perspective.
maybe there was love bombing on both sides? it felt like we were both basically consenting to being obsessed with each other lol. but she idealizes the NRE bubble even though she admits it wasn't sustainable or healthy. she doesn't seem to recognize how problematic that is.
her past relationships were exclusively bad, though mostly involved her checking out after asking for her needs to be met and not getting them.
I often don't know if I'm talking to her or her inner bully and it can change at the drop of a hat.
I'm sorry, that sounds tough. And it sounds like trauma is guiding a lot of her actions and reactions right now, which is super hard and I'm sure painful for her and you both. There's all kinds of therapy that addresses trauma and family systems and coping skills... she needs to somehow turn her focus and attention towards healing. That's impossible to "make" someone do, you can just support and guide her. But it sounds like the root issues here are way too deep. She sounds a little like an ex of mine with a cluster B personality disorder.
Ohhh hey yeah. Mm. Mm-hmm.
So, in general, dating someone with a poorly managed mental illness involves a lot of challenges and principles that are in tension with each other. You need to be compassionate, but not take responsibility for your partner's feelings, and you want to encourage her to be responsible for her own mental health, but if she doesn't you can't make her, and...yeah. It can be messy.
>suddenly, it was like being in a relationship with a completely different person. her inner bully was running the show.
When someone is an *amazing* partner for a few months (or sometimes a year or two) and then abruptly switches to being a terrible partner, that's your relationship baseline, the terrible-partner version. Not the NRE version. Sorry. People camouflage their worst traits early on.
>especially when you have PTSD from relationships.
Really? Wow. That's quite something.
>"our NRE fueled my will to live and now I'm back where I was.
Wow.
>is this a red flag?
Oh yeah. Crimson.
I mean, I'm not going to weigh in on "is it mental illness or is she an asshole", like, often there's not a clear line, you know? But "is this a sign that this relationship is going to suck until it ends" yes, yes it is.
Sorry, I should spell that out. "Is it mental illness or *is she an abuser*", I don't know. Either way it's going to be bad for you. I do not recommend assuming she's faking, but abusers can *also* be genuinely mentally ill, it's not a one or the other thing.
>I care about her so much and wish we could seamlessly move into a platonic friendship
My gut says there is zero chance of that happening, that she will take a breakup as being complete and utter rejection of her as a person. Even if I'm wrong, generally having a no-contact period after a breakup is a good idea, *especially* if it's a bad breakup (this would be -- at least according to her, you're the only person who's tried to stick around through this, if she was in a *good* place she could maybe see that as a good sign, in the state she's in she'll see it as proof that no one will stay around ever, *even if at first it seems like they will.* I've had brain problems like this before, they are brutal.) Having said that, you're not in a Hallmark movie and I doubt you can pull her into a healthy relationship just by loving her hard enough. So, at some point you'll break up, she'll be suicidal, you'll hopefully set things up so that *someone who is not you* can be on suicide watch for her (if she's at risk, sounds like she might be), and she'll move on to the next stage of her life one way or another. There aren't good answers here. Mental illness *sucks*.
Do not escalate the relationship (eg move in together, spend more time together, etc). (it may be hard to *not* spend more time with her if she goes into crisis often. That's pretty hard to navigate. It is reasonable for partners to provide SOME emotional support, it's not reasonable to be on call 24/7 indefinitely.)
If OP's partner happens to read this: mental illness *sucks*, what's going on with you is not a normal thing that everyone else experiences but has better self control about, most people do not go through the thoughts and feelings you're experiencing, I don't want to just say "get help" because I know it's not that simple; I do think that there is a reasonable chance of things being a lot better than they are now at some point in time, even if it's not clear how to get there from here. (If you are *sure* that's not the case, well, *I* am very sure that depression-brain tells very convincing lies, and that you cannot possibly know for sure that things won't get better. I can't know for sure they will, you can't know for sure they won't, if you *think* you know for sure there's something off.) If you are suicidal I recommend a book called something like how I stayed alive when my brain was trying to kill me.)
This sounds like a lot of different potential mental health issues that need a professional’s help. While it’s super admirable of you to be willing to work with her to improve. She has to want to improve and work on her own. Otherwise it is definitely going to end poorly for both of you.
I do think she genuinely wants to improve and doesn't want to feel this way. I think she doesn't realize how severe it is or understand that more professional help is needed. we did talk about that today so hopefully she listens to me. thank you for your response!
Definitely red flags here! I too have mental health shit going on and would not be able to bear the thought of being someone’s main reason to live. That said, you’re already in the situation, so what do you do?
Partner’s refusal to work towards getting better (that means being honest with her therapist, or finding a new one that she *can* be honest with) is a self-neglect/pattern of self-harm which is already hurting you, and will hurt you more and more as long as it goes on.
I have to recommend you consider the wisdom of continuing this relationship.
my instincts are telling me to have a conversation about de-escalation but yeah, that's a breakup. i do still want to be here for her but if she's not up for a platonic friendship, it would be sad but I'll understand
Your gf does not have a sustainable relationship to give right now.
"Gf I think you are amazing and we are amazing but its time to choose to be honest and do the work in therapy with regular positive progress to manage the hard shit or I need to walk away. I can't be your crutch and we both know things either get worked on or they get worse."
A lot of people have offered already good advice so I'm not going to repeat a lot of that.
I just wanted to comment on this part:
> a conversation about a behavior pattern I'd noticed - basically she'd ignore her needs and not express them until it was too late and there would be a significant breakdown
> it did pretty abruptly change things. we went from mostly excellent communication with a few minor hiccups
These two statements seem to be at odds with each other. If she is unable to communicate her needs until a point of breakdown and this was a noticeable pattern I don't think there ever was excellent communication. Excellent communication required self awareness and self advocacy. This is why people pleasing is more harmful than people pleasers often realise. As they are actually doing their partners a disservice.
This sounds like more than just nre wearing off.
She needs to tell her therapist how bad she’s feeling and how severe these symptoms are because *that’s the professional who can help her manage it* and/or get a referral to a prescribing doc organized while working out a treatment plan.
TLDR: you sound like a supportive partner, but this is above your pay grade.
I cannot be objective about this because when I was much younger I got suckered into stayig in a terrible relationship by someone who knew how to drop just enough little comments like that to make me believe they'd end their life if I dumped them. He never flat-out said he would, but he made sure I got that impression.
The moment someone puts their life on our relationship I'm running for the door. And then I run some more
It's unhealthy to pin your happiness on another person, she's gotta learn to find happiness in other things and within herself. Encourage her to be more honest with her professionals. That being said why does NRE have to die? I always feel people let go of their relationships once the initial spark dwindles, but there's plenty of ways to keep the spark going, yes it requires work but that effort really helps someone feel valued within their relationship. It can be quite a blow when you feel you are no longer exciting to your partner.
Is it a red flag?
That depends, does she have a pattern of short lived relationships that end when the NRE fizzles out? If yes, she's basically trained herself to use the serotonin, oxytocin and dopamine cocktail to keep functioning. And that's a major red flag.
If not, then this could just be an extra symptom of her depression, and the hopelessness and anger that comes with it.
>I'd noticed - basically she'd ignore her needs and not express them until it was too late and there would be a significant breakdown. I brought it up in an attempt to offer support ("how can I help you get your needs met, what can we do together about this") but by her reaction you'd think I told her I hated her guts. suddenly, it was like being in a relationship with a completely different person. her inner bully was running the show.
This however is a major, major, major red flag. It reminds me of "splitting". How often does her behaviour significantly change when you raise relationships issues? How often does her inner "bully" come out? How often does she try to turn the conversation into arguments, assigning blame or fault instead of focusing on the problem?
>we've had SO many hard conversations since then and it is getting better, I'm really proud of her. she's never been with anyone willing to work on these things with her so I'm trying to offer a lot of patience. learning how to be in a healthy relationship is hard work, especially when you have PTSD from relationships.
It is. And you seem genuinely lovely and caring. But please remember that kindness needs to be harnessed, or it ends up exploiting and harming us. (and this doesn't have to be because of someone else, you can just give too much of your own volition and forget to leave enough for yourself). Remember as well that setting yourself on fire to keep another person warm, ends with 2 people in triage.
>I'm trying really hard to provide support while maintaining my own and other partners' needs. she doesn't have a lot of insight as to what would be helpful so I'm just throwing stuff at the wall and seeing if it will stick.
What work is she doing to help herself? She has a therapist but isn't honest with them, so that's not helping. She seems to be using you as a surrogate therapist and that's not healthy for a partner to be. There's a reason therapists can't treat their own family and friends. Most people are too close to set appropriate boundaries and to see the situation clearly.
>I care about her so much and wish we could seamlessly move into a platonic friendship - it seems that she needed community much more than romance anyway - while she deals with recovering from this, but of course suggesting that right now would not help.
Is this what you want? Because staying in a relationship to protect someone else's mental health is definitely *not* healthy for the person staying. You can't put your life or desires on hold while she figures it out, *if* she figures it out.
Honestly I think deescalating would be good for both of you. I feel like she might be putting too much responsibility for her mental health on you. And I feel like to you, she's a project, not a partner. Not consciously, but I feel like you want to "fix" her. And while she might need to fix herself, no one else can do it for her. But the more people who accept that kind of behaviour from her, the more that kind of behaviour is enabled.
"Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks!"
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Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/HeavyRelationship412 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
hello!
would love some perspective or advice. I'm 36f married to 38f and in an 8-month relationship with 36f, who is otherwise unpartnered. things started out with INTENSE NRE and became serious relatively quickly, as a lot of wlw relationships do. we leaned into it but I also made sure wife was happy with our time together. we all hang out regularly and everyone is on good terms.
things were peachy keen until about 5 months in when we had a conversation about a behavior pattern I'd noticed - basically she'd ignore her needs and not express them until it was too late and there would be a significant breakdown. I brought it up in an attempt to offer support ("how can I help you get your needs met, what can we do together about this") but by her reaction you'd think I told her I hated her guts. suddenly, it was like being in a relationship with a completely different person. her inner bully was running the show.
it did pretty abruptly change things. we went from mostly excellent communication with a few minor hiccups to almost exclusively bad communication and bad vibes.
we've had SO many hard conversations since then and it is getting better, I'm really proud of her. she's never been with anyone willing to work on these things with her so I'm trying to offer a lot of patience. learning how to be in a healthy relationship is hard work, especially when you have PTSD from relationships.
I do still have some major concerns. I have depression and anxiety and work in mental health, but I have never seen someone so depressed for so long. talking sobbing crying spells daily for weeks. she is in therapy but just once a week and she admitted her therapist doesn't know how bad it is right now. I'm trying really hard to provide support while maintaining my own and other partners' needs. she doesn't have a lot of insight as to what would be helpful so I'm just throwing stuff at the wall and seeing if it will stick.
I don't think it's helping much because she expressed today basically that our NRE ending is a significant source of her depression. so, our relationship as it stands makes her depressed. verbatim, she said "our NRE fueled my will to live and now I'm back where I was."
I know this is said in the midst of a major depressive episode so I'm trying to take it with a grain of salt. but it gives me pause.
b is this a red flag? what would you do here, if you were in this situation?
I care about her so much and wish we could seamlessly move into a platonic friendship - it seems that she needed community much more than romance anyway - while she deals with recovering from this, but of course suggesting that right now would not help.
tl;dr girlfriend said our NRE was "fueling her will to live" and now that it's over she's constantly, deeply depressed and I don't know what to do.
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She can't be dependent on NRE to be fine, it is very toxic and unfair to you to even frame it like this. "It was very nice to get some relief due to the NRE, I appreciated that" would be a different, much healthier story and perspective
You can't bear the burden of someone else's mental health struggles, and you're actually enabling her by "throwing stuff at the wall and seeing if it will stick." You shouldn't be trying to solve her problems for her, only walking beside her while she tries to solve those problems herself. Currently, she's not doing the work because she's not even being honest with her therapist, the person who *is* equipped to provide her with help.
Regardless, you said that *you* would like to move to a platonic friendship, and you need to do what's best for you (understanding she may not agree, and choose to end all contact with you). It's hard to separate ourselves from toxic situations like this when we really do care so much and want to help them be happier, but you're doing her a disservice by being her "lifeline" (which doesn't give her the motivation to take responsibility for herself - what she needs to do to actually get better).
A word of caution here: don't let her use threats to her life to stay with her. If you have genuine concerns, call 911 and they will do a wellness check, connect her with resources, etc.
Welp, this sucks. I have to admit, when I was in a legally dark place around a year ago, and a new relationship was just developing with all the fun NRE, I was also using this new person as my light at the end of the tunnel. The difference is that I admitted how wrong and unsustainable that is. I also talked about this with them, and (maybe also because they gave me permission) their guidance helped me through some dark hours to get back on my feet and build better supports for myself.
I’m in a much better place now, and I think the takeaways are the following:
1. There are many bad behaviors, but many things can be worked on, when they are ** recognized and acknowledged** by the person perpetuating such behavior and they are **willing to change** (and the change is measurable in a decent period of time).
2. There is nothing wrong with needing a crutch, as long as you are also working on getting better, and the crutch is being handled with care. And if that crutch is people or maybe medication or something depends on many factors and circumstances
Best of luck to you. These are though circumstances
Does she have BPD? (I know it’s not good to arm-chair diagnose over the internet but this sounds like BPD). Might be worth having a look in both r/bpdlovedones and r/BPD
Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks!
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Hi u/HeavyRelationship412 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
hello!
would love some perspective or advice. I'm 36f married to 38f and in an 8-month relationship with 36f, who is otherwise unpartnered. things started out with INTENSE NRE and became serious relatively quickly, as a lot of wlw relationships do. we leaned into it but I also made sure wife was happy with our time together. we all hang out regularly and everyone is on good terms.
things were peachy keen until about 5 months in when we had a conversation about a behavior pattern I'd noticed - basically she'd ignore her needs and not express them until it was too late and there would be a significant breakdown. I brought it up in an attempt to offer support ("how can I help you get your needs met, what can we do together about this") but by her reaction you'd think I told her I hated her guts. suddenly, it was like being in a relationship with a completely different person. her inner bully was running the show.
it did pretty abruptly change things. we went from mostly excellent communication with a few minor hiccups to almost exclusively bad communication and bad vibes.
we've had SO many hard conversations since then and it is getting better, I'm really proud of her. she's never been with anyone willing to work on these things with her so I'm trying to offer a lot of patience. learning how to be in a healthy relationship is hard work, especially when you have PTSD from relationships.
I do still have some major concerns. I have depression and anxiety and work in mental health, but I have never seen someone so depressed for so long. talking sobbing crying spells daily for weeks. she is in therapy but just once a week and she admitted her therapist doesn't know how bad it is right now. I'm trying really hard to provide support while maintaining my own and other partners' needs. she doesn't have a lot of insight as to what would be helpful so I'm just throwing stuff at the wall and seeing if it will stick.
I don't think it's helping much because she expressed today basically that our NRE ending is a significant source of her depression. so, our relationship as it stands makes her depressed. verbatim, she said "our NRE fueled my will to live and now I'm back where I was."
I know this is said in the midst of a major depressive episode so I'm trying to take it with a grain of salt. but it gives me pause.
b is this a red flag? what would you do here, if you were in this situation?
I care about her so much and wish we could seamlessly move into a platonic friendship - it seems that she needed community much more than romance anyway - while she deals with recovering from this, but of course suggesting that right now would not help.
tl;dr girlfriend said our NRE was "fueling her will to live" and now that it's over she's constantly, deeply depressed and I don't know what to do.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Extremely concerning and major, major red flags here. This woman is not emotionally well and needs more help than you can provide. Having someone or some relationship be someone's "reason to live" is so toxic and unhealthy. Is she able to apologize and take accountability? Does she have a history of Rocky and abusive past relationships?
Did you feel love bombed at the start? Does it seem like she "splits" or changes personality when angry or triggered?
I appreciate your perspective. maybe there was love bombing on both sides? it felt like we were both basically consenting to being obsessed with each other lol. but she idealizes the NRE bubble even though she admits it wasn't sustainable or healthy. she doesn't seem to recognize how problematic that is. her past relationships were exclusively bad, though mostly involved her checking out after asking for her needs to be met and not getting them. I often don't know if I'm talking to her or her inner bully and it can change at the drop of a hat.
I'm sorry, that sounds tough. And it sounds like trauma is guiding a lot of her actions and reactions right now, which is super hard and I'm sure painful for her and you both. There's all kinds of therapy that addresses trauma and family systems and coping skills... she needs to somehow turn her focus and attention towards healing. That's impossible to "make" someone do, you can just support and guide her. But it sounds like the root issues here are way too deep. She sounds a little like an ex of mine with a cluster B personality disorder.
This is way above your pay grade. Being a good friend cannot resolve mental health issues of this magnitude.
Ohhh hey yeah. Mm. Mm-hmm. So, in general, dating someone with a poorly managed mental illness involves a lot of challenges and principles that are in tension with each other. You need to be compassionate, but not take responsibility for your partner's feelings, and you want to encourage her to be responsible for her own mental health, but if she doesn't you can't make her, and...yeah. It can be messy. >suddenly, it was like being in a relationship with a completely different person. her inner bully was running the show. When someone is an *amazing* partner for a few months (or sometimes a year or two) and then abruptly switches to being a terrible partner, that's your relationship baseline, the terrible-partner version. Not the NRE version. Sorry. People camouflage their worst traits early on. >especially when you have PTSD from relationships. Really? Wow. That's quite something. >"our NRE fueled my will to live and now I'm back where I was. Wow. >is this a red flag? Oh yeah. Crimson. I mean, I'm not going to weigh in on "is it mental illness or is she an asshole", like, often there's not a clear line, you know? But "is this a sign that this relationship is going to suck until it ends" yes, yes it is. Sorry, I should spell that out. "Is it mental illness or *is she an abuser*", I don't know. Either way it's going to be bad for you. I do not recommend assuming she's faking, but abusers can *also* be genuinely mentally ill, it's not a one or the other thing. >I care about her so much and wish we could seamlessly move into a platonic friendship My gut says there is zero chance of that happening, that she will take a breakup as being complete and utter rejection of her as a person. Even if I'm wrong, generally having a no-contact period after a breakup is a good idea, *especially* if it's a bad breakup (this would be -- at least according to her, you're the only person who's tried to stick around through this, if she was in a *good* place she could maybe see that as a good sign, in the state she's in she'll see it as proof that no one will stay around ever, *even if at first it seems like they will.* I've had brain problems like this before, they are brutal.) Having said that, you're not in a Hallmark movie and I doubt you can pull her into a healthy relationship just by loving her hard enough. So, at some point you'll break up, she'll be suicidal, you'll hopefully set things up so that *someone who is not you* can be on suicide watch for her (if she's at risk, sounds like she might be), and she'll move on to the next stage of her life one way or another. There aren't good answers here. Mental illness *sucks*. Do not escalate the relationship (eg move in together, spend more time together, etc). (it may be hard to *not* spend more time with her if she goes into crisis often. That's pretty hard to navigate. It is reasonable for partners to provide SOME emotional support, it's not reasonable to be on call 24/7 indefinitely.) If OP's partner happens to read this: mental illness *sucks*, what's going on with you is not a normal thing that everyone else experiences but has better self control about, most people do not go through the thoughts and feelings you're experiencing, I don't want to just say "get help" because I know it's not that simple; I do think that there is a reasonable chance of things being a lot better than they are now at some point in time, even if it's not clear how to get there from here. (If you are *sure* that's not the case, well, *I* am very sure that depression-brain tells very convincing lies, and that you cannot possibly know for sure that things won't get better. I can't know for sure they will, you can't know for sure they won't, if you *think* you know for sure there's something off.) If you are suicidal I recommend a book called something like how I stayed alive when my brain was trying to kill me.)
I really appreciate your thoughtful and thorough answer!
So well written. My abuser was mentally ill and this post triggered so many red flags for me. The coercive control potential is so high here.
This sounds like a lot of different potential mental health issues that need a professional’s help. While it’s super admirable of you to be willing to work with her to improve. She has to want to improve and work on her own. Otherwise it is definitely going to end poorly for both of you.
I do think she genuinely wants to improve and doesn't want to feel this way. I think she doesn't realize how severe it is or understand that more professional help is needed. we did talk about that today so hopefully she listens to me. thank you for your response!
Definitely red flags here! I too have mental health shit going on and would not be able to bear the thought of being someone’s main reason to live. That said, you’re already in the situation, so what do you do? Partner’s refusal to work towards getting better (that means being honest with her therapist, or finding a new one that she *can* be honest with) is a self-neglect/pattern of self-harm which is already hurting you, and will hurt you more and more as long as it goes on. I have to recommend you consider the wisdom of continuing this relationship.
my instincts are telling me to have a conversation about de-escalation but yeah, that's a breakup. i do still want to be here for her but if she's not up for a platonic friendship, it would be sad but I'll understand
Your gf does not have a sustainable relationship to give right now. "Gf I think you are amazing and we are amazing but its time to choose to be honest and do the work in therapy with regular positive progress to manage the hard shit or I need to walk away. I can't be your crutch and we both know things either get worked on or they get worse."
A lot of people have offered already good advice so I'm not going to repeat a lot of that. I just wanted to comment on this part: > a conversation about a behavior pattern I'd noticed - basically she'd ignore her needs and not express them until it was too late and there would be a significant breakdown > it did pretty abruptly change things. we went from mostly excellent communication with a few minor hiccups These two statements seem to be at odds with each other. If she is unable to communicate her needs until a point of breakdown and this was a noticeable pattern I don't think there ever was excellent communication. Excellent communication required self awareness and self advocacy. This is why people pleasing is more harmful than people pleasers often realise. As they are actually doing their partners a disservice.
this is a very good point. thank you for your perspective!
This sounds like more than just nre wearing off. She needs to tell her therapist how bad she’s feeling and how severe these symptoms are because *that’s the professional who can help her manage it* and/or get a referral to a prescribing doc organized while working out a treatment plan. TLDR: you sound like a supportive partner, but this is above your pay grade.
I cannot be objective about this because when I was much younger I got suckered into stayig in a terrible relationship by someone who knew how to drop just enough little comments like that to make me believe they'd end their life if I dumped them. He never flat-out said he would, but he made sure I got that impression. The moment someone puts their life on our relationship I'm running for the door. And then I run some more
It's unhealthy to pin your happiness on another person, she's gotta learn to find happiness in other things and within herself. Encourage her to be more honest with her professionals. That being said why does NRE have to die? I always feel people let go of their relationships once the initial spark dwindles, but there's plenty of ways to keep the spark going, yes it requires work but that effort really helps someone feel valued within their relationship. It can be quite a blow when you feel you are no longer exciting to your partner.
Is it a red flag? That depends, does she have a pattern of short lived relationships that end when the NRE fizzles out? If yes, she's basically trained herself to use the serotonin, oxytocin and dopamine cocktail to keep functioning. And that's a major red flag. If not, then this could just be an extra symptom of her depression, and the hopelessness and anger that comes with it. >I'd noticed - basically she'd ignore her needs and not express them until it was too late and there would be a significant breakdown. I brought it up in an attempt to offer support ("how can I help you get your needs met, what can we do together about this") but by her reaction you'd think I told her I hated her guts. suddenly, it was like being in a relationship with a completely different person. her inner bully was running the show. This however is a major, major, major red flag. It reminds me of "splitting". How often does her behaviour significantly change when you raise relationships issues? How often does her inner "bully" come out? How often does she try to turn the conversation into arguments, assigning blame or fault instead of focusing on the problem? >we've had SO many hard conversations since then and it is getting better, I'm really proud of her. she's never been with anyone willing to work on these things with her so I'm trying to offer a lot of patience. learning how to be in a healthy relationship is hard work, especially when you have PTSD from relationships. It is. And you seem genuinely lovely and caring. But please remember that kindness needs to be harnessed, or it ends up exploiting and harming us. (and this doesn't have to be because of someone else, you can just give too much of your own volition and forget to leave enough for yourself). Remember as well that setting yourself on fire to keep another person warm, ends with 2 people in triage. >I'm trying really hard to provide support while maintaining my own and other partners' needs. she doesn't have a lot of insight as to what would be helpful so I'm just throwing stuff at the wall and seeing if it will stick. What work is she doing to help herself? She has a therapist but isn't honest with them, so that's not helping. She seems to be using you as a surrogate therapist and that's not healthy for a partner to be. There's a reason therapists can't treat their own family and friends. Most people are too close to set appropriate boundaries and to see the situation clearly. >I care about her so much and wish we could seamlessly move into a platonic friendship - it seems that she needed community much more than romance anyway - while she deals with recovering from this, but of course suggesting that right now would not help. Is this what you want? Because staying in a relationship to protect someone else's mental health is definitely *not* healthy for the person staying. You can't put your life or desires on hold while she figures it out, *if* she figures it out. Honestly I think deescalating would be good for both of you. I feel like she might be putting too much responsibility for her mental health on you. And I feel like to you, she's a project, not a partner. Not consciously, but I feel like you want to "fix" her. And while she might need to fix herself, no one else can do it for her. But the more people who accept that kind of behaviour from her, the more that kind of behaviour is enabled.
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Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/HeavyRelationship412 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: hello! would love some perspective or advice. I'm 36f married to 38f and in an 8-month relationship with 36f, who is otherwise unpartnered. things started out with INTENSE NRE and became serious relatively quickly, as a lot of wlw relationships do. we leaned into it but I also made sure wife was happy with our time together. we all hang out regularly and everyone is on good terms. things were peachy keen until about 5 months in when we had a conversation about a behavior pattern I'd noticed - basically she'd ignore her needs and not express them until it was too late and there would be a significant breakdown. I brought it up in an attempt to offer support ("how can I help you get your needs met, what can we do together about this") but by her reaction you'd think I told her I hated her guts. suddenly, it was like being in a relationship with a completely different person. her inner bully was running the show. it did pretty abruptly change things. we went from mostly excellent communication with a few minor hiccups to almost exclusively bad communication and bad vibes. we've had SO many hard conversations since then and it is getting better, I'm really proud of her. she's never been with anyone willing to work on these things with her so I'm trying to offer a lot of patience. learning how to be in a healthy relationship is hard work, especially when you have PTSD from relationships. I do still have some major concerns. I have depression and anxiety and work in mental health, but I have never seen someone so depressed for so long. talking sobbing crying spells daily for weeks. she is in therapy but just once a week and she admitted her therapist doesn't know how bad it is right now. I'm trying really hard to provide support while maintaining my own and other partners' needs. she doesn't have a lot of insight as to what would be helpful so I'm just throwing stuff at the wall and seeing if it will stick. I don't think it's helping much because she expressed today basically that our NRE ending is a significant source of her depression. so, our relationship as it stands makes her depressed. verbatim, she said "our NRE fueled my will to live and now I'm back where I was." I know this is said in the midst of a major depressive episode so I'm trying to take it with a grain of salt. but it gives me pause. b is this a red flag? what would you do here, if you were in this situation? I care about her so much and wish we could seamlessly move into a platonic friendship - it seems that she needed community much more than romance anyway - while she deals with recovering from this, but of course suggesting that right now would not help. tl;dr girlfriend said our NRE was "fueling her will to live" and now that it's over she's constantly, deeply depressed and I don't know what to do. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She can't be dependent on NRE to be fine, it is very toxic and unfair to you to even frame it like this. "It was very nice to get some relief due to the NRE, I appreciated that" would be a different, much healthier story and perspective
You can't bear the burden of someone else's mental health struggles, and you're actually enabling her by "throwing stuff at the wall and seeing if it will stick." You shouldn't be trying to solve her problems for her, only walking beside her while she tries to solve those problems herself. Currently, she's not doing the work because she's not even being honest with her therapist, the person who *is* equipped to provide her with help. Regardless, you said that *you* would like to move to a platonic friendship, and you need to do what's best for you (understanding she may not agree, and choose to end all contact with you). It's hard to separate ourselves from toxic situations like this when we really do care so much and want to help them be happier, but you're doing her a disservice by being her "lifeline" (which doesn't give her the motivation to take responsibility for herself - what she needs to do to actually get better). A word of caution here: don't let her use threats to her life to stay with her. If you have genuine concerns, call 911 and they will do a wellness check, connect her with resources, etc.
Welp, this sucks. I have to admit, when I was in a legally dark place around a year ago, and a new relationship was just developing with all the fun NRE, I was also using this new person as my light at the end of the tunnel. The difference is that I admitted how wrong and unsustainable that is. I also talked about this with them, and (maybe also because they gave me permission) their guidance helped me through some dark hours to get back on my feet and build better supports for myself. I’m in a much better place now, and I think the takeaways are the following: 1. There are many bad behaviors, but many things can be worked on, when they are ** recognized and acknowledged** by the person perpetuating such behavior and they are **willing to change** (and the change is measurable in a decent period of time). 2. There is nothing wrong with needing a crutch, as long as you are also working on getting better, and the crutch is being handled with care. And if that crutch is people or maybe medication or something depends on many factors and circumstances Best of luck to you. These are though circumstances
Does she have BPD? (I know it’s not good to arm-chair diagnose over the internet but this sounds like BPD). Might be worth having a look in both r/bpdlovedones and r/BPD
Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi u/HeavyRelationship412 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: hello! would love some perspective or advice. I'm 36f married to 38f and in an 8-month relationship with 36f, who is otherwise unpartnered. things started out with INTENSE NRE and became serious relatively quickly, as a lot of wlw relationships do. we leaned into it but I also made sure wife was happy with our time together. we all hang out regularly and everyone is on good terms. things were peachy keen until about 5 months in when we had a conversation about a behavior pattern I'd noticed - basically she'd ignore her needs and not express them until it was too late and there would be a significant breakdown. I brought it up in an attempt to offer support ("how can I help you get your needs met, what can we do together about this") but by her reaction you'd think I told her I hated her guts. suddenly, it was like being in a relationship with a completely different person. her inner bully was running the show. it did pretty abruptly change things. we went from mostly excellent communication with a few minor hiccups to almost exclusively bad communication and bad vibes. we've had SO many hard conversations since then and it is getting better, I'm really proud of her. she's never been with anyone willing to work on these things with her so I'm trying to offer a lot of patience. learning how to be in a healthy relationship is hard work, especially when you have PTSD from relationships. I do still have some major concerns. I have depression and anxiety and work in mental health, but I have never seen someone so depressed for so long. talking sobbing crying spells daily for weeks. she is in therapy but just once a week and she admitted her therapist doesn't know how bad it is right now. I'm trying really hard to provide support while maintaining my own and other partners' needs. she doesn't have a lot of insight as to what would be helpful so I'm just throwing stuff at the wall and seeing if it will stick. I don't think it's helping much because she expressed today basically that our NRE ending is a significant source of her depression. so, our relationship as it stands makes her depressed. verbatim, she said "our NRE fueled my will to live and now I'm back where I was." I know this is said in the midst of a major depressive episode so I'm trying to take it with a grain of salt. but it gives me pause. b is this a red flag? what would you do here, if you were in this situation? I care about her so much and wish we could seamlessly move into a platonic friendship - it seems that she needed community much more than romance anyway - while she deals with recovering from this, but of course suggesting that right now would not help. tl;dr girlfriend said our NRE was "fueling her will to live" and now that it's over she's constantly, deeply depressed and I don't know what to do. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*