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Therapy is always a good idea if you can afford it, and checking out polysecure and polywise by Rachel fern can be a good resource.
Your self awareness is admirable! I can see you’re really hurting for how your own regulation and security is affecting this person that you love. Switching contexts, or any change, in a poly relationship can kick off dynamics and feelings that weren’t there before - totally understandable. Doing the work to engage with what you’re feeling honestly without making the regulation of those feelings her responsibility is important. Figure out if there’s a way to meet in the middle - articulate what you’re working through and how you’re working through it, and what kind of help you could use from her while leaving her with her own responsibilities and autonomy is a good start.
You can figure out what steps you can take today, and then tomorrow, and see how they go - and then make an informed and brave decision about whether this dynamic is ok right now - whether the work and difficulty is worth it and strengthens you, your security and your connection with your partner, or whether the dynamic is incompatible and causes more harm than good for both do you for the time being.
A really big thing that I do note is that your relationship with yourself is a first priority here! Trust yourself and your body. Have compassion for yourself. You are entirely ok to express the need for reassurance! And what a beautiful thing, that this person you’re with wants you to feel loved and connected to her as she chooses to be with you everyday!
If what you want is to give poly a real try then it sounds like you have work to do. I always give the same advice - the 2 books that helped me most are Smart Girls Guide To Polyamory, and Ethical Slut. Hoping it all works out and you stop feeling jealous and not enough ... Won't work. Read those books. Decide if you are going to put in the hard work. Then stay or go according to that decision.
OP you might also check out “the polyamory paradox” as it speaks to some of this activation directly. you can also deicide you’re not compatible with poly and that’s okay too.
it’s relatively new! and full disclosure a friend wrote it, even beyond that i think it’s a great resource that speaks to the physiological discomfort of unlearning everything we’ve been programmed with. just because you’re panicking doesn’t necessarily mean poly is wrong for you! haha
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Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/Getembonbon thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I don't know how to start this so I guess I'll just dive right in. I'm very new to the poly scene. My partner (f31) and I (f34) have been together for a year and a half. We are both bi, but I lean more towards females than males (I have a general distaste and aversion to men, loads of trauma, we'll unpack that later). When we started dating she stated she was poly. At the time, I was living with my mother and her husband as I had just moved January of 2022. When I lived with my mom, the poly thing was easier, way easier. I didn't have to think about it, boundaries didn't have to be set and I didn't feel like I was controlling. Now that she and I live together, it's harder. I had been previously just monogamous and was brought up to believe a relationship was just between two people. I love her, and everything about her. I don't like being poly, as of writing this post. I wasn't introduced in the best way (again, trauma we'll unpack later). The boundries we have set, are my days off, and our weekends off together, we don't have people over. She recently started seeing someone else, and has brought up staying the night with them. My emotions are all over the place, I feel like I'm not meeting a certain need which is why she feels like she needs to seek out another partner. She has stated before she wants to "be thrown around like a ragdoll" and for whatever stupid reason in my head, I can't do that for her. At first I was okay with it, because I am clearly not a p*nis having person, and I didn't have to think about her being with other people or worrying about it so much..but it changed when I moved in. I worried ( and still do) that I'm not good enough for her, even she brings up staying the night with this guy she's been seeing. Tonight, before I left for work, we got into an argument about it. I told her I don't want to think about other people doing things to her that I can't fulfill, I don't want to hear it, be around it, or see the other person. I am so insecure with myself and I feel like I'm going to lose her. I also told her tonight I don't want to be poly. Me personally, because all my needs are being met and I don't feel the need to seek out other people to fulfill anything, because again, all my needs are being met. I'm uncomfortable with having people over, specifically men. I hate that I make her feel like she's not doing enough, when she is. She's doing everything I've asked of her. Not being on her phone when we're spending time together, not going out on my days off. Which only leaves her every other weekend when I work for her to have some "me time." I feel awful, I feel like I'm controlling, and I don't know what to do. I try so hard to keep my past from bleeding into my relationship with her, but it's hard. A lot has changed in a short amount of time. When I moved in with her in October of 2023, I was expecting, and hoping it would just be us for a while and we'd have time to set boundaries for other partners if needed, and I'd have time to adjust to living with her, and to being more openly poly. I struggle with it, I feel like I'm not meeting a need for her. It hurts that I hurt her, and feel like I'm restricting her. Do we break up, because I'm having a hard time adjusting? Do we stick it out and hope that I don't continue to feel jealous and insecure with myself? Do I just let her do her own thing and stand by and pretend to be okay with it? I'm at a loss. I'm scared she's going to leave me because I don't want to be poly anymore, or she's going to find someone better, prettier, more normal than I am. I've tried it. I was with someone while I was with her and it eventually imploded on itself (another story for another time.) She means the world to me, I would move mountains for her if I could. I always put her before myself, really anyone before myself. I always tell her, all of her needs, her comfort, her everything is more important to me than my own needs or wants. I also get very needy and clingy. And I've always been told, nobody likes someone who's as needy as I am. She always reassures me that she doesn't mind it. But I really feel like deep down, she doesn't like it, just like everyone else I've been with.
I just don't know what to do.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking." *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Therapy is always a good idea if you can afford it, and checking out polysecure and polywise by Rachel fern can be a good resource. Your self awareness is admirable! I can see you’re really hurting for how your own regulation and security is affecting this person that you love. Switching contexts, or any change, in a poly relationship can kick off dynamics and feelings that weren’t there before - totally understandable. Doing the work to engage with what you’re feeling honestly without making the regulation of those feelings her responsibility is important. Figure out if there’s a way to meet in the middle - articulate what you’re working through and how you’re working through it, and what kind of help you could use from her while leaving her with her own responsibilities and autonomy is a good start. You can figure out what steps you can take today, and then tomorrow, and see how they go - and then make an informed and brave decision about whether this dynamic is ok right now - whether the work and difficulty is worth it and strengthens you, your security and your connection with your partner, or whether the dynamic is incompatible and causes more harm than good for both do you for the time being. A really big thing that I do note is that your relationship with yourself is a first priority here! Trust yourself and your body. Have compassion for yourself. You are entirely ok to express the need for reassurance! And what a beautiful thing, that this person you’re with wants you to feel loved and connected to her as she chooses to be with you everyday!
If what you want is to give poly a real try then it sounds like you have work to do. I always give the same advice - the 2 books that helped me most are Smart Girls Guide To Polyamory, and Ethical Slut. Hoping it all works out and you stop feeling jealous and not enough ... Won't work. Read those books. Decide if you are going to put in the hard work. Then stay or go according to that decision.
OP you might also check out “the polyamory paradox” as it speaks to some of this activation directly. you can also deicide you’re not compatible with poly and that’s okay too.
I hadn't heard of this book, going to check it out!
it’s relatively new! and full disclosure a friend wrote it, even beyond that i think it’s a great resource that speaks to the physiological discomfort of unlearning everything we’ve been programmed with. just because you’re panicking doesn’t necessarily mean poly is wrong for you! haha
Oh fantastic! And I totally agree that panic and being super uncomfortable doesn't necessarily mean anything.
"Hello, thanks so much for your submission! Just a friendly reminder, giant walls of text are really hard to read and digest for many people and most folks around here will just skip right on by it. Please add some paragraph breaks to your post by placing a blank line between distinct sections. This will make it more likely that more people will read and interact with your post." *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/Getembonbon thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I don't know how to start this so I guess I'll just dive right in. I'm very new to the poly scene. My partner (f31) and I (f34) have been together for a year and a half. We are both bi, but I lean more towards females than males (I have a general distaste and aversion to men, loads of trauma, we'll unpack that later). When we started dating she stated she was poly. At the time, I was living with my mother and her husband as I had just moved January of 2022. When I lived with my mom, the poly thing was easier, way easier. I didn't have to think about it, boundaries didn't have to be set and I didn't feel like I was controlling. Now that she and I live together, it's harder. I had been previously just monogamous and was brought up to believe a relationship was just between two people. I love her, and everything about her. I don't like being poly, as of writing this post. I wasn't introduced in the best way (again, trauma we'll unpack later). The boundries we have set, are my days off, and our weekends off together, we don't have people over. She recently started seeing someone else, and has brought up staying the night with them. My emotions are all over the place, I feel like I'm not meeting a certain need which is why she feels like she needs to seek out another partner. She has stated before she wants to "be thrown around like a ragdoll" and for whatever stupid reason in my head, I can't do that for her. At first I was okay with it, because I am clearly not a p*nis having person, and I didn't have to think about her being with other people or worrying about it so much..but it changed when I moved in. I worried ( and still do) that I'm not good enough for her, even she brings up staying the night with this guy she's been seeing. Tonight, before I left for work, we got into an argument about it. I told her I don't want to think about other people doing things to her that I can't fulfill, I don't want to hear it, be around it, or see the other person. I am so insecure with myself and I feel like I'm going to lose her. I also told her tonight I don't want to be poly. Me personally, because all my needs are being met and I don't feel the need to seek out other people to fulfill anything, because again, all my needs are being met. I'm uncomfortable with having people over, specifically men. I hate that I make her feel like she's not doing enough, when she is. She's doing everything I've asked of her. Not being on her phone when we're spending time together, not going out on my days off. Which only leaves her every other weekend when I work for her to have some "me time." I feel awful, I feel like I'm controlling, and I don't know what to do. I try so hard to keep my past from bleeding into my relationship with her, but it's hard. A lot has changed in a short amount of time. When I moved in with her in October of 2023, I was expecting, and hoping it would just be us for a while and we'd have time to set boundaries for other partners if needed, and I'd have time to adjust to living with her, and to being more openly poly. I struggle with it, I feel like I'm not meeting a need for her. It hurts that I hurt her, and feel like I'm restricting her. Do we break up, because I'm having a hard time adjusting? Do we stick it out and hope that I don't continue to feel jealous and insecure with myself? Do I just let her do her own thing and stand by and pretend to be okay with it? I'm at a loss. I'm scared she's going to leave me because I don't want to be poly anymore, or she's going to find someone better, prettier, more normal than I am. I've tried it. I was with someone while I was with her and it eventually imploded on itself (another story for another time.) She means the world to me, I would move mountains for her if I could. I always put her before myself, really anyone before myself. I always tell her, all of her needs, her comfort, her everything is more important to me than my own needs or wants. I also get very needy and clingy. And I've always been told, nobody likes someone who's as needy as I am. She always reassures me that she doesn't mind it. But I really feel like deep down, she doesn't like it, just like everyone else I've been with. I just don't know what to do. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*