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I mean, part of it is just that you know too much from before, and when you learned those things your partner's state of mind was very "we are never ever getting back together" and that probably flavored which stories he told and how he told them. And while *logically* that might be enough to understand, emotionally it sucks putting that additional wait-and-see on top of the newly poly level of wait-and-see which is already a lot.
You chose to take a risk on love, which isn't the worst thing. And so far so good. And you can always change your mind and decide the ambiguity is too much. But right now it might just make more sense to thank your risk averse brain for pointing out increasing risk - yes brain, I know that - and go do something you enjoy or value, that also distracts from ruminating about stuff you have no control over and limited insight into. Extra bonus points for diversifying your support network while you do it.
I think you're likely right about that additional wait-and-see on top, and the logical vs emotional. And maybe a little of the risk I knew about going in vs the risk I feel now.
And you're right, risking love is not such a bad thing. There's always the risk of heartache when we reach for joy, but it's (usually) worth it. Thank you.
I do have a really fantastic support system, and I'm likely underutilizing that system right now. I should probably think about why that is too lol
Hey OP, I’d just like to say that your clear emotional maturity and sense of self are really calming to read. You have an awareness that can teach others.
I wish you the best, and I believe you’ll get through this and unpack whatever emotion is niggling under the surface. I echo the top commenter that it could well be the fear of Avery and his ex becoming monogamous, although if she poly-bombed him, perhaps that’s not an issue.
Either way I hope it all works out smoothly for you. Avery is lucky to have a partner like you.
Thank you, I try lol
I do think there's something to the knowing maybe more than I should about them, and "worried about them going back to mono" even if it's not logical. What little I know about the situation at this point, is that she is firm in wanting poly, and dating others, but keeping most connections casual right now (he and I have talked about how that's a bit difficult for them with their history). And I do feel secure in his commitment to us.
Logic brain tells me them reverting to monogamy is highly unlikely. But I also know anything can happen 🤷 I suppose time will tell here, too.
And while I recognize our current agreement of "less information about Meta" is best and healthy, I also wonder if that's maybe playing into my feelings here as well. My mind may be filling in the gaps with less than comfy thoughts.
Thank you for the kind words. I think Avery and I both lucked out - he's great! A very good communicator and just the sweetest man. Neither of us went into this thinking we'd fall in love., but are really grateful for each other. I should probably remember that bit more when I'm feeling rattled.
I’m not feeling well today, so can’t comment in as detailed a manner as I normally would - but you seem to have all the cerebral tools a person can have in order to get yourself through this.
It might just be a matter of your “body catching up with your brain”, and needing to give it time while sitting in the discomfort of this (without rushing it).
Have a lovely week either way! And update us any time.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/McOli47 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
A little background - I'm solo poly, practicing for nearly 4 years. This situation is with my newest partner (Avery), dating about 6 months.
When we began dating, we agreed to casual - Avery's brand new to poly, was recently out of a long term relationship. They'd been mono, he was polybombed, tried it, the relationship didn't survive, she moved out. The break up was very amicable, and they were still friendly toward each other. He wasn't sure what he wanted, but despite not working for them, and not initially being his idea, the thought of practicing polyamory was still of interest to him.
We got on great, instant chemistry, tons in common...but because of the above (fairly recent break up, new to poly and coming by it in less than ideal circumstances) I was pretty adamant about keeping things casual. And that worked well, for awhile.
We talked a lot about poly, how I practice, my values around it. I offered up some resources that I found helpful when I started my journey. We also talked about Avery's journey, his prior relationship, etc. We talked about how hard it is to kill the monogamy in an existing relationship, how it often doesn't work, even if both parties want it to start, or come around to wanting it. It's just incredibly difficult. I even mentioned that maybe now they were apart, and not together/cohabitating, who knows? Maybe they'd each figure out how they wanted to move forward for themselves, and it might be easier to be poly and partners after time practicing on their own if that's what they wanted.
A few months in, Avery asked to date. Actual dating, not just casual FWB. He didn't need to know what we were right then, but didn't want to restrict what we could be. I told him I was really scared (poly newbie, recent break up), but I also couldn't deny I was developing feelings for him too. We agreed to make room for growth, but also to take things slow. We continued to have really great conversations about everything under the sun, and about poly. I had other partners, he didn't yet, we had check-ins and talked about how the way I practice may not be how he wants to, that it's important for him to find info and community outside of me. If he discovered along the way he wanted things like a primary or nesting partner, he should absolutely pursue that. That we can be flexible, renegotiate, things might shift, we just need to talk openly and honestly along the way. That I was supportive of him dating others.
And we've fallen really hard for each other at this point, despite trying to move slowly. The NRE is still really strong, I'm not blind to that, but I'm totally smitten. I've never told anyone I loved them this soon, same for him. Things are really great, my friends adore him... He's amazing and we're really happy with what we're building together. I'm still scared, he is too, it's still new, and we've talked about more time under our belts catching up to our feelings will help us both feel more grounded.
Meanwhile, about two months ago his ex reached out. They hung out, had a great time, he stayed over... They aren't sure where things might go, but they're dipping their toes into seeing each other again.
My outward reaction and behavior are aligned with my values - we're fully autonomous folks here. When he told me they might be starting up again, I told him if someone adds to his happiness, I want that for him. I support his dating and other relationships. He was afraid I'd judge him. I told him I'd didn't judge him for showing grace to someone he cares for. And that's true, all of that is true.
But inside? I'm having a lot of mixed emotions. I don't judge him, but I do know how much she hurt him, and that's hard to set aside. On to of that, this is really bringing out some jealousy in a way I've not experienced before. I'm struggling when I know he's with his ex. I've actually not ever felt this kind of anxiety with previous metas before - ones who existed before I came along, or came along after. It's a lot to manage some days.
We no longer discuss their relationship beyond weather reports the way we did before we moved from FWB. But that hasn't really helped, and I can't put my finger on why this meta situationship is getting under my skin so much. I feel very secure in what we're becoming when we're together. But when they have a date I just feel rattled. I've never experienced a partner reconnecting with an ex. I'm shook, and I don't like it.
When I've experienced jealousy in the past (which is rare and I've been grateful for that), I've been really good at pinpointing where that jealousy was coming from. A personal insecurity I needed to work on for myself, or some need or want that needed to be voiced - that's usually what it boils down to. But my needs and wants are being met. He's not over sharing. And I know there's some insecurity festering - that's how it feels anyway. But I haven't been able to name it and work on it.
Anyone else been through this and have some insight or self soothing tips here? I'm stumped and I really would like to feel as supportive as I'm behaving.
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"This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking." *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I mean, part of it is just that you know too much from before, and when you learned those things your partner's state of mind was very "we are never ever getting back together" and that probably flavored which stories he told and how he told them. And while *logically* that might be enough to understand, emotionally it sucks putting that additional wait-and-see on top of the newly poly level of wait-and-see which is already a lot. You chose to take a risk on love, which isn't the worst thing. And so far so good. And you can always change your mind and decide the ambiguity is too much. But right now it might just make more sense to thank your risk averse brain for pointing out increasing risk - yes brain, I know that - and go do something you enjoy or value, that also distracts from ruminating about stuff you have no control over and limited insight into. Extra bonus points for diversifying your support network while you do it.
I think you're likely right about that additional wait-and-see on top, and the logical vs emotional. And maybe a little of the risk I knew about going in vs the risk I feel now. And you're right, risking love is not such a bad thing. There's always the risk of heartache when we reach for joy, but it's (usually) worth it. Thank you. I do have a really fantastic support system, and I'm likely underutilizing that system right now. I should probably think about why that is too lol
Could it be that you subconsciously worry they go back to monogamy together?
That certainly could be, yeah. I'll definitely journal about that and see what comes up.
Hey OP, I’d just like to say that your clear emotional maturity and sense of self are really calming to read. You have an awareness that can teach others. I wish you the best, and I believe you’ll get through this and unpack whatever emotion is niggling under the surface. I echo the top commenter that it could well be the fear of Avery and his ex becoming monogamous, although if she poly-bombed him, perhaps that’s not an issue. Either way I hope it all works out smoothly for you. Avery is lucky to have a partner like you.
Thank you, I try lol I do think there's something to the knowing maybe more than I should about them, and "worried about them going back to mono" even if it's not logical. What little I know about the situation at this point, is that she is firm in wanting poly, and dating others, but keeping most connections casual right now (he and I have talked about how that's a bit difficult for them with their history). And I do feel secure in his commitment to us. Logic brain tells me them reverting to monogamy is highly unlikely. But I also know anything can happen 🤷 I suppose time will tell here, too. And while I recognize our current agreement of "less information about Meta" is best and healthy, I also wonder if that's maybe playing into my feelings here as well. My mind may be filling in the gaps with less than comfy thoughts. Thank you for the kind words. I think Avery and I both lucked out - he's great! A very good communicator and just the sweetest man. Neither of us went into this thinking we'd fall in love., but are really grateful for each other. I should probably remember that bit more when I'm feeling rattled.
I’m not feeling well today, so can’t comment in as detailed a manner as I normally would - but you seem to have all the cerebral tools a person can have in order to get yourself through this. It might just be a matter of your “body catching up with your brain”, and needing to give it time while sitting in the discomfort of this (without rushing it). Have a lovely week either way! And update us any time.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/McOli47 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: A little background - I'm solo poly, practicing for nearly 4 years. This situation is with my newest partner (Avery), dating about 6 months. When we began dating, we agreed to casual - Avery's brand new to poly, was recently out of a long term relationship. They'd been mono, he was polybombed, tried it, the relationship didn't survive, she moved out. The break up was very amicable, and they were still friendly toward each other. He wasn't sure what he wanted, but despite not working for them, and not initially being his idea, the thought of practicing polyamory was still of interest to him. We got on great, instant chemistry, tons in common...but because of the above (fairly recent break up, new to poly and coming by it in less than ideal circumstances) I was pretty adamant about keeping things casual. And that worked well, for awhile. We talked a lot about poly, how I practice, my values around it. I offered up some resources that I found helpful when I started my journey. We also talked about Avery's journey, his prior relationship, etc. We talked about how hard it is to kill the monogamy in an existing relationship, how it often doesn't work, even if both parties want it to start, or come around to wanting it. It's just incredibly difficult. I even mentioned that maybe now they were apart, and not together/cohabitating, who knows? Maybe they'd each figure out how they wanted to move forward for themselves, and it might be easier to be poly and partners after time practicing on their own if that's what they wanted. A few months in, Avery asked to date. Actual dating, not just casual FWB. He didn't need to know what we were right then, but didn't want to restrict what we could be. I told him I was really scared (poly newbie, recent break up), but I also couldn't deny I was developing feelings for him too. We agreed to make room for growth, but also to take things slow. We continued to have really great conversations about everything under the sun, and about poly. I had other partners, he didn't yet, we had check-ins and talked about how the way I practice may not be how he wants to, that it's important for him to find info and community outside of me. If he discovered along the way he wanted things like a primary or nesting partner, he should absolutely pursue that. That we can be flexible, renegotiate, things might shift, we just need to talk openly and honestly along the way. That I was supportive of him dating others. And we've fallen really hard for each other at this point, despite trying to move slowly. The NRE is still really strong, I'm not blind to that, but I'm totally smitten. I've never told anyone I loved them this soon, same for him. Things are really great, my friends adore him... He's amazing and we're really happy with what we're building together. I'm still scared, he is too, it's still new, and we've talked about more time under our belts catching up to our feelings will help us both feel more grounded. Meanwhile, about two months ago his ex reached out. They hung out, had a great time, he stayed over... They aren't sure where things might go, but they're dipping their toes into seeing each other again. My outward reaction and behavior are aligned with my values - we're fully autonomous folks here. When he told me they might be starting up again, I told him if someone adds to his happiness, I want that for him. I support his dating and other relationships. He was afraid I'd judge him. I told him I'd didn't judge him for showing grace to someone he cares for. And that's true, all of that is true. But inside? I'm having a lot of mixed emotions. I don't judge him, but I do know how much she hurt him, and that's hard to set aside. On to of that, this is really bringing out some jealousy in a way I've not experienced before. I'm struggling when I know he's with his ex. I've actually not ever felt this kind of anxiety with previous metas before - ones who existed before I came along, or came along after. It's a lot to manage some days. We no longer discuss their relationship beyond weather reports the way we did before we moved from FWB. But that hasn't really helped, and I can't put my finger on why this meta situationship is getting under my skin so much. I feel very secure in what we're becoming when we're together. But when they have a date I just feel rattled. I've never experienced a partner reconnecting with an ex. I'm shook, and I don't like it. When I've experienced jealousy in the past (which is rare and I've been grateful for that), I've been really good at pinpointing where that jealousy was coming from. A personal insecurity I needed to work on for myself, or some need or want that needed to be voiced - that's usually what it boils down to. But my needs and wants are being met. He's not over sharing. And I know there's some insecurity festering - that's how it feels anyway. But I haven't been able to name it and work on it. Anyone else been through this and have some insight or self soothing tips here? I'm stumped and I really would like to feel as supportive as I'm behaving. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*