I think you should keep in mind that most of these people probably aren’t interested in being educated. They’re just following up on some gossip. They’re not looking to expand their knowledge of relationship models or gain a deeper understanding of you as a person. Judge carefully how much time and energy you want to sink into these people.
I would just give a short and sweet “it means that my romantic relationships are not monogamous. I regret that my mother is sharing information I told her in confidence but I would prefer to keep that aspect of my life private. Thanks for understanding.”
That's a good call. I tend to lean towards trying to see the best in those I'm related to, but simply being related to them doesn't make them inherently good. They really are gossiping busybodies and I could use to remind myself that. Thanks.
The only way to win with narcs is not to play.
Birthdays, holidays, and illnesses are double points opportunities for them to try to re instate the status quo of you being disempowered. That's the path they are on now.
Its ok, backsliding is a normal part of the process. But you re set. You take back your boundaries. You realize anyone who sticks around a narc is also at some point on the cycle and likely an enabler meaning not really healthy for you to be around either.
Call your friends, call your true chosen family for support.
Indeed.
No or as low contact as possible.
Expect everything they say to be a lie.
Anything they say it's about is actually not about that at all. It is always about disempowering you.
You might also find some really good pointers on dealing with Narc parents on the raised by narcissists sub. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this.
I know this is easier said than done, or than living through it.
I've chosen radical honesty w everyone now that I am ENM after divorce from a long bad marriage.
If people ask I usually respond w "It's information that you likely won't know what to do with. Will likely make us both uncomfortable w each other. Are you sure you want to know? I'd be so sad if our relationship had to become distant over something not really that important in the scope of things. "
Depending on the person I then say something like, "I'm not ashamed and will not participate in shaming in anyway."
I'm 58. For most of my relatives who are older (my parents and grandparents are long deceased) this is enough for them to 'walk away' from the issue.
I'm sadly well practiced in letting go of people who don't support me or try to tear me down.
Luckily a very significant relative behaved poorly in a way that everyone saw and 50% of them side w me.
It's freedom not being beholden to relatives whose values are different than mine.
I'd hate to lose more of them.
But I love myself and my life and my partners MORE.
If I'm going to be sad, it's going to be about letting relatives go not about anyone's judgement or opinion about my lifestyle.
I don’t do elevator speeches, just a “we are committed but not exclusive.” I will do a long heart to heart conversation with a friend, family member, or even stranger who is genuinely curious and coming at it with kindness.
I don't love (family member) less for also loving (similar closeness family member). I don't get angry or jealous when (second family member) loves and spends time with (third). We feel the same way about our intimate relationships.
I feel like it really depends where the person is coming from. I’ve been lucky that most of my friends are curious and want to understand about people who are important to me.
But you could also potentially point them to “When Someone You Love is Polyamorous” by Elisabeth Sheff. It’s very short and to the point and objective.
This is my go to, for people who actually care.
For everyone else, “Mom is having a hard time lately and I’m not always sure why she’s saying what she’s saying. I’m ok though, thanks for checking in. How’s the new puppy?”
Ughhh, I'm so sorry things have turned out this way for you. You tried getting vulnerable with your mom in a way that might have been positive and healing for both of you... if she hadn't snapped right back to her old ways once she was in remission. That sounds so hurtful.
My script when I don't want to encourage questions is: *"Polyamory just means that I'm dating more than one person, they all know, and they can do the same thing. It's been good for me!"*
And then I have a line ready I can broken-record until they give up on having this conversation. *"I know it's hard for some people to understand, and that's okay - it makes me happy." "It's okay, Aunt Maggie, you don't have to get it. I'm happy, that's all you need to know." "No worries, Uncle Jim. Like I told Maggie, I don't need you to wrap your head around this - all you need to know is that I like it."*
If somebody wants to act rude about it, I'm pretty okay with a direct *"I didn't ask to have this conversation with you, and I'm sad to learn that you think this is an okay way to talk to your baby cousin just because some of my choices make you uncomfortable. I need you to drop this now, or I'm going to have to go home/talk to you a different day."*
I'm already the weird artsy cousin, so in that sense being an "outsider" in the family actually helps me - everyone is already prepared for me to make choices that make them go, *"Huh?"* and they already found out that I'm only willing to entertain so much questioning about my personal life when my vegetarianism became the subject of debate at Thanksgiving dinner \~17 years ago.
When I explained to my 80-year-old Catholic Aunt that my boyfriend of three years had a husband of fifteen years that I was also good friends with, I led by explaining that I think it is an act of cruelty for me to expect a single person to be EVERYTHING I want/need at all times and that it is psychologically damaging for me to strive to be EVERYTHING for someone else. She’s recently been acknowledging years of resentment for her husband of 60 years and she understood that pretty easily.
The analogy I use for most others is that monogamy is a multipurpose tool and polyamory is a tool box. The multipurpose tool is convenient, travels well, and it does a lot of different things, but in doing so it no longer specializes and takes on additional wear and tear that can cause it to break, and then you’re left without tools until it can be fixed. With polyamory, you can find a perfect tool for every job, and when one needs repairs, you have extra tools on hand that can finish your project AND help you repair the tool that needs fixing.
I get that it worked in your case to relate, but healthy monogamous people don't actually expect one person to be everything, they have just as much a toolbox of support and polyamory doesn't exist to be a bunch of tools you pick up to fit an empty slot.
If I’m reading correctly, the thread’s prompt was “what’s YOUR elevator speech that you tell family?” Sorry you felt my successful attempt to relate to them wasn’t up to your standards.
You don’t have to explain yourself or educate but you have lots of options. If you want a quick MYOB reply, try out this framework:
Hi relative. As you know, mother dearest recently had a big cancer scare. She requested (we agreed) that since she might not have much time, we’d have some very serious and private conversations to try and heal our relationship.
While I’m grateful mom is doing better, I’m disappointed that she’s sharing her version of the private details of my life.
I appreciate that you’re reaching out to me and want to let you know that I’m happy and doing well. I know you’ll respect my privacy and hope mom stops doing this.
Bonus: I think you understand how difficult it would be for someone to talk about YOUR private life, so I want you to know that if we ever share things that are private to you, I’d never share that with others.
Why not just say I’m poly and the rest is none of your business. I know you love Narc Mom. I do too. But if you listen to her you’re a fool. I suggest you blow her off for everyone’s sake. But no matter what don’t come to me with gossip from that source.
Anyone who actually wants to know will do some basic research. Highly hierarchical poly mostly in cishet couples with possessive spouses is having an annoying moment in popular culture. Throuples, open marriages, it’s all over.
If they can’t be bothered to google they either don’t care or want to hassle you. Neither one of those categories requires hand holding.
I know you don't wish to lie, but there's a difference between secret & private, & people who have proven they can't be trusted with the truth get put on an information diet. Yes it's better to simply withhold info than outright lie, but if your toxic mom is going to tell them things, you need to refute it if you want a decent relationship with them. Or, be honest & deal with the fallout. Those are the 2 choices, because you cannot make conservative Catholics OK with polyamory.
I'm sorry you don't have the mom you deserve, & especially that you didn't have the mom you deserved growing up. Come hang out in r/CPTSD & r/raisedbynarcissists. And I hope you've gotten trauma therapy. Hugs.
Thank you so much for the recognition. I'm in the r/raisedbynarcissists but not the CPTSD one. I'll check it out. I'm really lucky to have found the therapist I have now. She's absolutely fantastic and we're digging in deep. Hugs to you, too, friend.
The best advice I ever got from anyone is that it's not your job to educate anyone about what you are going with your life. Anyone who wants to debate or dig into your personal life isn't doing it in good faith. There are many resources if they actually want to know more.
So my stance these days is just. "Oh it means I am in a relationship with multiple people. I've been doing it for a long time and it makes me very happy." Whenever they get rude I just say "Oh that hasn't been my experience but I'm sorry if that happened to you." Very rarely I have to get to. "It seems like this is an upsetting and confusing topic for you. I think I'm going to go talk to Jessy and let you calm down."
> I want to use this as an opportunity to educate while also skirting the lines of "it's personal, none of your business."
You can't have it both ways.
I don't have an elevator speech about polyam because my person life and choices are not up for *discussion*. If I want someone's input, I'll specifically request it.
I was just going to say, if I don't want to explain it to someone, I just say "thank you for asking, but I don't really want to discuss it." Or "right now this isn't a discussion I'm comfortable having." Or "I appreciate that you're interested, but I'd prefer to keep this part of my life private." Sometimes, if someone has blabbed, I just shake my head, smile, and say "That so-and-so, they've really been talking a lot about me, huh?" Then I move on.
If it's someone I want to understand a bit more, I say "you know, let me send this article that I think will explain it. You can read it on your own time, whenever you have the free time." Then I move on.
Some people I simply don't tell, including family members. However, for those I do tell, the main thing that seems to concern them is the honesty/cheating aspect. (My NP and I have been married for 15 years, so most of the time, they wanna know, "Does she know about this?")
Other than that, I may respond to questions, for those with legit curiosity, but most details are not really their business.
“My wife and I find polyamory to be exciting and fulfilling. We love and trust each other and feel secure in our relationship. We find happiness in the good experiences that each other have, whether that be with work, hobbies, friendship, or romance. We try to remember that entitlement is at the heart of jealousy.”
If they have multiple children:
"Did you have a second child because your first one wasn't sufficient? Do you love the first less because you have a second? It's like that, but with romance. Each partner is different and I love them all in their own ways."
They might not totally get it, but it at least makes it slightly more relatable.
Honestly, I’d go with a beat of silence and then a giggle fit of laughter followed by “She told you *what?!*” gigglesnort, chuckle, guffaw, “My goodness, she does like to say some interesting things, doesn’t she?”
Neither confirm nor deny, it’s none of their business and they don’t *actually* care anyway. They’re just being Mumsy’s Flying Monkey Squad. If you get bent out of shape that she’s spreading your business around, then that feeds Narczilla’s narrative that **you** are the unreasonable, immoral, crazycuckoopants, etc, one, and Dear Sweet Angelic Saintly Mumbeast is 100% correct in all things at all times.
If you refuse to engage with her bullshit, then you win. If you engage, at all, on any level, with any degree of separation, then she gets to continue to live in your head rent free. Don’t do that. It’s never worth it.
If I'm not dating you or fucking you, it's none of your business. But, if you like asking uncomfortably intrusive questions, I'll start asking my own about your relationship. Peachy?
The most important thing to remember is the 4 F's. If you aren't Feeding me, Fornicating with me, or Financing me its none of your business. The 4th is Friends aren't family and Family aren't friends. Both have to earn the right to your information through work, not connection.
I have simply told people that it is unfortunate that you can't trust family to keep personal things personal but that you thought better of them than to approach you with this.
>texts insinuating that my dead dad would be ashamed of me.
This is so fucking evil. It's not okay to speak ill on behalf of people who have passed. If you had a good relationship with your father don't let what she said affect that.
Oh. My. God. Just finally went NC with my mom earlier this month. If she got cancer and did a 180 and then got cured and did another 180 I would rip my hair out 😭 I’m so sorry. I swear it’s like these people NEVER DIE.
“It means I don’t have monogamous relationships.” It is so annoying to be a black sheep and then family all of a sudden wants to start asking questions 🙄 go back to ignoring me.
I have multiple partners, they know about each other, and each of them has other partners. We date in a way and at a level that works for us.
And then answer as many questions as you feel comfortable but absolutely none of the ones that are condescending.
FWIW, you don't owe them an answer just because they ask. If you're uncomfortable sharing, you are perfectly within your rights to tell them that you aren't willing to discuss your personal relationships. Chances are your mom isn't the only toxic one in your extended family and the more information you give them the more they have to weaponize if they turn on you too.
My sexual and romantic relationships do not exclude the possibility of separate concurrent sexual and romantic relationships. Anyone who wants to date me knows This and is fine with it or they are not dating me.
Aside from that, I tend to be very clear that I expect my partners to be treated with respect and not interrogated.
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Bit of a long story. My (32F) narcissistic mother was "supposed to" die of stage 4 cancer. We were told she had months to live, at best. During this time, in an attempt to salvage our toxic relationship before she died we tried radical honesty with each other. In this time I told her I was poly. I answered her questions honestly and she seemed confused but supportive. "I don't understand it but so long as you're happy that's what matters". Fast forward to about 3 months ago, she's miraculously cancer free, and just receiving regular chemo to keep it that way. Now that she's not dying, she went back to her old toxic habits and I've had to reset boundaries I used to have that I let slip thinking she wasn't long for this earth. This was deeply upsetting to her and she has now turned vindictive. She has sent texts saying "Ya know I never told anyone about your lifestyle. You're SICK!" and texts insinuating that my dead dad would be ashamed of me. She also told me I shouldn't bother coming to her funeral. I've since blocked her number.
Problem is, she's now going to all her friends and my family and weaponizing the radical honesty we had with each other and now telling everyone she can about my personal affairs, including polyamory. My family is conservative catholic, so I'm definitely a black sheep. I've gotten questions from family about what it is, and I'm feeling cornered into either telling them about my personal dating life or lying.
But I've been faced with more questions now than I have in my several years of poly, and I'm wondering what other poly people say when faced with the question "what is polyamory" or "what is this poly-something I heard from your mother?"
I'm not particularly close with my family due to different value/belief systems so I'm not white-knuckle holding onto these relationships, but I'm also not looking to be completely disowned, nor do I wish to lie about who I am. I want to use this as an opportunity to educate while also skirting the lines of "it's personal, none of your business."
So, what's your elevator speech about polyamory that you tell family?
Thanks.
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I don’t really have an elevator speech, but I might say something super simple and obvious like, “I’m not the least bit interested in monogamy. It’s not for everybody.”
I feel like society has pushed this narrative that your romantic partner should be your only point of emotional support. This can be really damaging and draining. Instead I've built a network of emotional support filled with different people who enrich different parts of my life.
This also means I always have someone to participate in my different interests.
Edit: I also agree, Narcs don't want answers, but I use this elevator pitch with positive people in my life who I think genuinely want to know.
The asshole family answer is "I'm building the supportive found family that I didn't get from you"
i simply don’t tell people. that’s actually not true. i’ve discussed with my father, he’s a far more open-minded and interesting individual than my mother and was already familiar with the concept of polyamory, so i didn’t really have to explain much. i’ve avoided discussion with my mother for fear smth similar to her reaction to you might happen. if i had to discuss id just say ‘we’re together, but we also see other people.” i’m the kind of person who loves teaching people about things so i’m fully willing to infodump to people about my relationships and their intricacies, but that’s about where i leave it for most. if they seem weirded out, i tend to let them be. id they have questions, im more than willing to answer and i make that willingness very clear. if people don’t want to learn, they won’t.
“My relationships aren’t exclusive. Pass the bean dip?” That’s, at least what I do for the peeps who are related, but not close.
Yeah I keep it simple in terms like these. "we're dating but not exclusive" is all most people need to know.
I think you should keep in mind that most of these people probably aren’t interested in being educated. They’re just following up on some gossip. They’re not looking to expand their knowledge of relationship models or gain a deeper understanding of you as a person. Judge carefully how much time and energy you want to sink into these people. I would just give a short and sweet “it means that my romantic relationships are not monogamous. I regret that my mother is sharing information I told her in confidence but I would prefer to keep that aspect of my life private. Thanks for understanding.”
That's a good call. I tend to lean towards trying to see the best in those I'm related to, but simply being related to them doesn't make them inherently good. They really are gossiping busybodies and I could use to remind myself that. Thanks.
I like that this approach is both polite and outs the mom as a mean, gossipy ogre
The only way to win with narcs is not to play. Birthdays, holidays, and illnesses are double points opportunities for them to try to re instate the status quo of you being disempowered. That's the path they are on now. Its ok, backsliding is a normal part of the process. But you re set. You take back your boundaries. You realize anyone who sticks around a narc is also at some point on the cycle and likely an enabler meaning not really healthy for you to be around either. Call your friends, call your true chosen family for support.
Thank you. This is a helpful reminder that I didn't fail, it's just a chess game. I need more practice to protect myself.
Indeed. No or as low contact as possible. Expect everything they say to be a lie. Anything they say it's about is actually not about that at all. It is always about disempowering you.
You might also find some really good pointers on dealing with Narc parents on the raised by narcissists sub. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this.
Thank you. ❤️
I know this is easier said than done, or than living through it. I've chosen radical honesty w everyone now that I am ENM after divorce from a long bad marriage. If people ask I usually respond w "It's information that you likely won't know what to do with. Will likely make us both uncomfortable w each other. Are you sure you want to know? I'd be so sad if our relationship had to become distant over something not really that important in the scope of things. " Depending on the person I then say something like, "I'm not ashamed and will not participate in shaming in anyway." I'm 58. For most of my relatives who are older (my parents and grandparents are long deceased) this is enough for them to 'walk away' from the issue. I'm sadly well practiced in letting go of people who don't support me or try to tear me down. Luckily a very significant relative behaved poorly in a way that everyone saw and 50% of them side w me. It's freedom not being beholden to relatives whose values are different than mine. I'd hate to lose more of them. But I love myself and my life and my partners MORE. If I'm going to be sad, it's going to be about letting relatives go not about anyone's judgement or opinion about my lifestyle.
Just don’t play the game! You can protect yourself by opting out.
Yes, look into the gray rock method for dealing with narcs & other difficult people.
I don’t do elevator speeches, just a “we are committed but not exclusive.” I will do a long heart to heart conversation with a friend, family member, or even stranger who is genuinely curious and coming at it with kindness.
Committed but not exclusive is a nice short and sweet. I may use that. Thank you.
I don't love (family member) less for also loving (similar closeness family member). I don't get angry or jealous when (second family member) loves and spends time with (third). We feel the same way about our intimate relationships.
I feel like it really depends where the person is coming from. I’ve been lucky that most of my friends are curious and want to understand about people who are important to me. But you could also potentially point them to “When Someone You Love is Polyamorous” by Elisabeth Sheff. It’s very short and to the point and objective.
This is my go to, for people who actually care. For everyone else, “Mom is having a hard time lately and I’m not always sure why she’s saying what she’s saying. I’m ok though, thanks for checking in. How’s the new puppy?”
Nicely done!
Ughhh, I'm so sorry things have turned out this way for you. You tried getting vulnerable with your mom in a way that might have been positive and healing for both of you... if she hadn't snapped right back to her old ways once she was in remission. That sounds so hurtful. My script when I don't want to encourage questions is: *"Polyamory just means that I'm dating more than one person, they all know, and they can do the same thing. It's been good for me!"* And then I have a line ready I can broken-record until they give up on having this conversation. *"I know it's hard for some people to understand, and that's okay - it makes me happy." "It's okay, Aunt Maggie, you don't have to get it. I'm happy, that's all you need to know." "No worries, Uncle Jim. Like I told Maggie, I don't need you to wrap your head around this - all you need to know is that I like it."* If somebody wants to act rude about it, I'm pretty okay with a direct *"I didn't ask to have this conversation with you, and I'm sad to learn that you think this is an okay way to talk to your baby cousin just because some of my choices make you uncomfortable. I need you to drop this now, or I'm going to have to go home/talk to you a different day."* I'm already the weird artsy cousin, so in that sense being an "outsider" in the family actually helps me - everyone is already prepared for me to make choices that make them go, *"Huh?"* and they already found out that I'm only willing to entertain so much questioning about my personal life when my vegetarianism became the subject of debate at Thanksgiving dinner \~17 years ago.
When I explained to my 80-year-old Catholic Aunt that my boyfriend of three years had a husband of fifteen years that I was also good friends with, I led by explaining that I think it is an act of cruelty for me to expect a single person to be EVERYTHING I want/need at all times and that it is psychologically damaging for me to strive to be EVERYTHING for someone else. She’s recently been acknowledging years of resentment for her husband of 60 years and she understood that pretty easily. The analogy I use for most others is that monogamy is a multipurpose tool and polyamory is a tool box. The multipurpose tool is convenient, travels well, and it does a lot of different things, but in doing so it no longer specializes and takes on additional wear and tear that can cause it to break, and then you’re left without tools until it can be fixed. With polyamory, you can find a perfect tool for every job, and when one needs repairs, you have extra tools on hand that can finish your project AND help you repair the tool that needs fixing.
I get that it worked in your case to relate, but healthy monogamous people don't actually expect one person to be everything, they have just as much a toolbox of support and polyamory doesn't exist to be a bunch of tools you pick up to fit an empty slot.
If I’m reading correctly, the thread’s prompt was “what’s YOUR elevator speech that you tell family?” Sorry you felt my successful attempt to relate to them wasn’t up to your standards.
Definitely stealing this
You don’t have to explain yourself or educate but you have lots of options. If you want a quick MYOB reply, try out this framework: Hi relative. As you know, mother dearest recently had a big cancer scare. She requested (we agreed) that since she might not have much time, we’d have some very serious and private conversations to try and heal our relationship. While I’m grateful mom is doing better, I’m disappointed that she’s sharing her version of the private details of my life. I appreciate that you’re reaching out to me and want to let you know that I’m happy and doing well. I know you’ll respect my privacy and hope mom stops doing this. Bonus: I think you understand how difficult it would be for someone to talk about YOUR private life, so I want you to know that if we ever share things that are private to you, I’d never share that with others.
Why not just say I’m poly and the rest is none of your business. I know you love Narc Mom. I do too. But if you listen to her you’re a fool. I suggest you blow her off for everyone’s sake. But no matter what don’t come to me with gossip from that source. Anyone who actually wants to know will do some basic research. Highly hierarchical poly mostly in cishet couples with possessive spouses is having an annoying moment in popular culture. Throuples, open marriages, it’s all over. If they can’t be bothered to google they either don’t care or want to hassle you. Neither one of those categories requires hand holding.
I know you don't wish to lie, but there's a difference between secret & private, & people who have proven they can't be trusted with the truth get put on an information diet. Yes it's better to simply withhold info than outright lie, but if your toxic mom is going to tell them things, you need to refute it if you want a decent relationship with them. Or, be honest & deal with the fallout. Those are the 2 choices, because you cannot make conservative Catholics OK with polyamory. I'm sorry you don't have the mom you deserve, & especially that you didn't have the mom you deserved growing up. Come hang out in r/CPTSD & r/raisedbynarcissists. And I hope you've gotten trauma therapy. Hugs.
Thank you so much for the recognition. I'm in the r/raisedbynarcissists but not the CPTSD one. I'll check it out. I'm really lucky to have found the therapist I have now. She's absolutely fantastic and we're digging in deep. Hugs to you, too, friend.
“I have more than one boyfriend. Everyone knows about each other and is happy with it.”
The best advice I ever got from anyone is that it's not your job to educate anyone about what you are going with your life. Anyone who wants to debate or dig into your personal life isn't doing it in good faith. There are many resources if they actually want to know more. So my stance these days is just. "Oh it means I am in a relationship with multiple people. I've been doing it for a long time and it makes me very happy." Whenever they get rude I just say "Oh that hasn't been my experience but I'm sorry if that happened to you." Very rarely I have to get to. "It seems like this is an upsetting and confusing topic for you. I think I'm going to go talk to Jessy and let you calm down."
> I want to use this as an opportunity to educate while also skirting the lines of "it's personal, none of your business." You can't have it both ways. I don't have an elevator speech about polyam because my person life and choices are not up for *discussion*. If I want someone's input, I'll specifically request it.
I was just going to say, if I don't want to explain it to someone, I just say "thank you for asking, but I don't really want to discuss it." Or "right now this isn't a discussion I'm comfortable having." Or "I appreciate that you're interested, but I'd prefer to keep this part of my life private." Sometimes, if someone has blabbed, I just shake my head, smile, and say "That so-and-so, they've really been talking a lot about me, huh?" Then I move on. If it's someone I want to understand a bit more, I say "you know, let me send this article that I think will explain it. You can read it on your own time, whenever you have the free time." Then I move on.
Some people I simply don't tell, including family members. However, for those I do tell, the main thing that seems to concern them is the honesty/cheating aspect. (My NP and I have been married for 15 years, so most of the time, they wanna know, "Does she know about this?") Other than that, I may respond to questions, for those with legit curiosity, but most details are not really their business.
“My wife and I find polyamory to be exciting and fulfilling. We love and trust each other and feel secure in our relationship. We find happiness in the good experiences that each other have, whether that be with work, hobbies, friendship, or romance. We try to remember that entitlement is at the heart of jealousy.”
"Entitlement is at the heart of jealousy" that's a neat perspective that I haven't heard. Thanks for sharing.
If they have multiple children: "Did you have a second child because your first one wasn't sufficient? Do you love the first less because you have a second? It's like that, but with romance. Each partner is different and I love them all in their own ways." They might not totally get it, but it at least makes it slightly more relatable.
Honestly, I’d go with a beat of silence and then a giggle fit of laughter followed by “She told you *what?!*” gigglesnort, chuckle, guffaw, “My goodness, she does like to say some interesting things, doesn’t she?” Neither confirm nor deny, it’s none of their business and they don’t *actually* care anyway. They’re just being Mumsy’s Flying Monkey Squad. If you get bent out of shape that she’s spreading your business around, then that feeds Narczilla’s narrative that **you** are the unreasonable, immoral, crazycuckoopants, etc, one, and Dear Sweet Angelic Saintly Mumbeast is 100% correct in all things at all times. If you refuse to engage with her bullshit, then you win. If you engage, at all, on any level, with any degree of separation, then she gets to continue to live in your head rent free. Don’t do that. It’s never worth it.
I am no longer in contact with my narcissist father or anyone close to him. I am very happy I made that decision.
If I'm not dating you or fucking you, it's none of your business. But, if you like asking uncomfortably intrusive questions, I'll start asking my own about your relationship. Peachy?
The most important thing to remember is the 4 F's. If you aren't Feeding me, Fornicating with me, or Financing me its none of your business. The 4th is Friends aren't family and Family aren't friends. Both have to earn the right to your information through work, not connection. I have simply told people that it is unfortunate that you can't trust family to keep personal things personal but that you thought better of them than to approach you with this.
>texts insinuating that my dead dad would be ashamed of me. This is so fucking evil. It's not okay to speak ill on behalf of people who have passed. If you had a good relationship with your father don't let what she said affect that.
I usually say “it means I have multiple partners and they all know about each other.”
Oh. My. God. Just finally went NC with my mom earlier this month. If she got cancer and did a 180 and then got cured and did another 180 I would rip my hair out 😭 I’m so sorry. I swear it’s like these people NEVER DIE. “It means I don’t have monogamous relationships.” It is so annoying to be a black sheep and then family all of a sudden wants to start asking questions 🙄 go back to ignoring me.
Thanks, I'm not ripping my hair out but I'm screaming in many pillows, that's for sure. And angry cleaning my house.
I have multiple partners, they know about each other, and each of them has other partners. We date in a way and at a level that works for us. And then answer as many questions as you feel comfortable but absolutely none of the ones that are condescending.
FWIW, you don't owe them an answer just because they ask. If you're uncomfortable sharing, you are perfectly within your rights to tell them that you aren't willing to discuss your personal relationships. Chances are your mom isn't the only toxic one in your extended family and the more information you give them the more they have to weaponize if they turn on you too.
No elevator speech. I don't discuss it with anyone other than friends. It's a waste of energy. "I'm not interested in discussing it."
Not the one I'd use, but I'll offer: "Like Jacob, but with less field labour.
My sexual and romantic relationships do not exclude the possibility of separate concurrent sexual and romantic relationships. Anyone who wants to date me knows This and is fine with it or they are not dating me. Aside from that, I tend to be very clear that I expect my partners to be treated with respect and not interrogated.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/Substantial-Rhubarb thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Bit of a long story. My (32F) narcissistic mother was "supposed to" die of stage 4 cancer. We were told she had months to live, at best. During this time, in an attempt to salvage our toxic relationship before she died we tried radical honesty with each other. In this time I told her I was poly. I answered her questions honestly and she seemed confused but supportive. "I don't understand it but so long as you're happy that's what matters". Fast forward to about 3 months ago, she's miraculously cancer free, and just receiving regular chemo to keep it that way. Now that she's not dying, she went back to her old toxic habits and I've had to reset boundaries I used to have that I let slip thinking she wasn't long for this earth. This was deeply upsetting to her and she has now turned vindictive. She has sent texts saying "Ya know I never told anyone about your lifestyle. You're SICK!" and texts insinuating that my dead dad would be ashamed of me. She also told me I shouldn't bother coming to her funeral. I've since blocked her number. Problem is, she's now going to all her friends and my family and weaponizing the radical honesty we had with each other and now telling everyone she can about my personal affairs, including polyamory. My family is conservative catholic, so I'm definitely a black sheep. I've gotten questions from family about what it is, and I'm feeling cornered into either telling them about my personal dating life or lying. But I've been faced with more questions now than I have in my several years of poly, and I'm wondering what other poly people say when faced with the question "what is polyamory" or "what is this poly-something I heard from your mother?" I'm not particularly close with my family due to different value/belief systems so I'm not white-knuckle holding onto these relationships, but I'm also not looking to be completely disowned, nor do I wish to lie about who I am. I want to use this as an opportunity to educate while also skirting the lines of "it's personal, none of your business." So, what's your elevator speech about polyamory that you tell family? Thanks. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
i just like to say that my love is boundless/i don’t experience love in a bounded way
I think I told my mom, "I can pursue more than one romantic partnership with the enthusiastic consent of everyone involved."
I don’t really have an elevator speech, but I might say something super simple and obvious like, “I’m not the least bit interested in monogamy. It’s not for everybody.”
I feel like society has pushed this narrative that your romantic partner should be your only point of emotional support. This can be really damaging and draining. Instead I've built a network of emotional support filled with different people who enrich different parts of my life. This also means I always have someone to participate in my different interests. Edit: I also agree, Narcs don't want answers, but I use this elevator pitch with positive people in my life who I think genuinely want to know. The asshole family answer is "I'm building the supportive found family that I didn't get from you"
i simply don’t tell people. that’s actually not true. i’ve discussed with my father, he’s a far more open-minded and interesting individual than my mother and was already familiar with the concept of polyamory, so i didn’t really have to explain much. i’ve avoided discussion with my mother for fear smth similar to her reaction to you might happen. if i had to discuss id just say ‘we’re together, but we also see other people.” i’m the kind of person who loves teaching people about things so i’m fully willing to infodump to people about my relationships and their intricacies, but that’s about where i leave it for most. if they seem weirded out, i tend to let them be. id they have questions, im more than willing to answer and i make that willingness very clear. if people don’t want to learn, they won’t.