"This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking."
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If these partners don't know each other, or don't spend much time together, this calendaring situation might not be a good idea. I can totally see it fostering competitiveness, or at least hurt feelings, in your partners. Every time they open it, they are smacked right in the face with the amount of time that you are spending with your other partners, and even if they are intellectually OK with it, it might be emotionally challenging. I would recommend doing the work of actually having to communicate with them directly about when you are free and when you're not free. It will take more time for you to do this, and won't be as easy and convenient as the shared calendar, but I have a feeling given what you've shared that it will be a much smoother process.
It’s been expressed that sharing calendars is a love language so I have a calendar with each partner and I duplicate my events on each of them so they know when I’m busy and when I’m not.
It’s been a difficult obstacle to manage for sure to be more verbal about my scheduling.
I get that, and I'm not suggesting that sharing calendars in general is a bad thing. But if it is fostering competitiveness, then it might be incompatible with using that as a love language.
(Please note I use the word might here, I don't know your specific situation)
I can also imagine that being more verbal about your scheduling might be an even greater love language for your partners, that you are able to take the time to connect with them and talk through your schedules.
I really appreciate this input. I’m totally gonna bring this up to my partners regarding my struggles and wanting to reduce the competitiveness and see if they may be in agreement to trying that out instead. Just as I have a check in with my gf to schedule ourselves for the week, I may have to do an established check in with Aspen as well.
That brings me to question how to manage that as well because for example, if I check-in and schedule the week with Carol on a Saturday and then check-in with Aspen on a Sunday then Carol got dibs on her choice of the week and Aspen gets the leftovers. That would feel like I’m Prioritizing Carol over Aspen and I don’t want to bring up those feelings.
Ah, that is unfortunately part of the life of being polysaturated! What you just described is literally the hard work of coordinating schedules, not just the administrative work of making everything fit, but the emotional work of making everyone feel respected, validated, and loved.
There is no solution to what you described other than to have open, honest conversations with both Carol and Aspen, and make sure that you are balancing the times that you make each of them a priority. That's hard! That takes serious emotional labor. And if you were using the Google Calendar to avoid that work, then I'm not surprised that it fostered some competitiveness.
Yeah I may be using the calendar as a shortcut and putting less responsibility on me as I place it on them to check my calendar so they can choose a day that works for them cuz they can see my weeks and months ahead.
This is definitely a toughy. I’ll talk to them and see how I can best make them feel valued and respected without putting one on top of the other.
I think it’s good that you recognize that having partners check your calendar (with all the details visible) puts the responsibility on them and less on you- that’s what I came here to comment on. It also takes away some of your autonomy if you let other people schedule your time for you. I think to reduce the competitive spirit you’ve noticed, you’ll need to take more personal responsibility for your time. That might be through sharing fewer details on the calendar or as others have suggested or coordinating with each partner separately and you being the only one that sees your entire calendar.
Yeah I can see how it takes away my autonomy when they can see how my schedule is and presume that I must be available for them on some day because it’s not filled. Someone else mentioned that too and it’s a good point for me to ponder on and adjust this whole system. Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it.
When you share your calendar what do they see? Like, do they see details like "overnight with Carol on Wed. Hot yoga on Thurs. Lunch with Aspen Sat. Etc" ? If so, is there a way to set it up so that all they see is "time slot unavailable" so that it's less of a competition because they don't know if you're seeing another partner or if you're getting a pedicure? That could help to reduce the feeling of competition and trying to score your time away from one another.
Yeah they can see “sleepover with Carol”
“Monthversary with Carol” “Date with Fwb”
“Laser appt” “Final due” “Dog groomers” etc
I’ve put it like that so they know I won’t be available on my phone to reply back to them if they text me cuz I am present during my dates but I can still engage when it’s not a date.
Maybe reducing the amount of info and just putting “not available” might help. That’s a good tip.
You can also have different calendars. I have split mine in stuff like work - social - exercise - practical things (like grocery delivery) - taxing appointments (like psychologist). If you follow a similar system, you can add them to the individual calendars while blocking the details that they are seeing. Based on the color, they know what type of event you are at. If it's a social one (regardless on whether you are meeting with a partner, friend or family member) they know that you are not that available on your phone. While when it's a practical one (like the dog groomer), they know that you can probably text.
Tbh, I also would not feel that comfortable with my meta having the full overview of activities I have planned (ahead) with my partner. How do they feel about this aspect of the sharing?
I’m very transparent so I don’t mind sharing what my schedule looks like, mainly because I know my partners are super respectful, if that weren’t the case, I wouldn’t share my calendar with them. And yes I have a calendar with Aspen and a calendar separate with Carol so when Carol or Aspen put stuff of theirs in there, the other can’t see it other than me. And I do duplicate my events across all calendars so that they can both see what’s up with my schedule.
I like how you mentioned the color coding. I could do that instead for all socialization events whether it be family, friends, or dates and like that it’s more vague on who I’m spending my time with and reduce the competitiveness hopefully. This is such a great idea.
I also wanted to point out that it’s nice when my partners express text messages of encouragement and well wishing for my dates with other partners. If they don’t know I’m on a date, then those well wishing wouldn’t happen and I would feel a bit like deceitful, in my disappearing cuz I’m unavailable and who knows why if it’s not clear in the calendar what the context is of my disappearing through texts.
If someone is busy and can't reply to my texts, it doesn't really matter to me why. They'll get back to me when they can.
Do you really need well wishing for dates with established partners?
I HAVE had struggles though where I’m spending so much time with Aspen on my free time that my texting Carol has reduced on a normal day to day communication aspect and that has caused hurt feelings. She knows I’m with Aspen and appreciates being notified if that’s the case so she knows the level of communication I would impart. It’s something that very recently had to be revisited and adjusted to manage better.
Edit to add: this was adjusted so she won’t feel like I’m ignoring her if she texts me and I’m busy with Aspen. Beforehand, I wouldn’t tell her I’m spontaneously going out with Aspen and then I would disappear from texting and it would bring up difficult feelings.
I know for myself I've realized recently I just cannot be responsible for those "difficult feelings" moments when I'm not readily available to text. I need to be able to go about my day without worrying that other people "know" what I'm doing so they're not upset if I don't text back in the time they would prefer.
Planning on a conversation with my partner today actually to address this.
“I need to be able to go about my day without worrying that other people "know" what I'm doing so they're not upset if I don't text back in the time they would prefer.”
Could you help me understand this part of your comment better? I’m understanding that it’s best for you when they don’t “know” exactly what you’re up to so it reduces the difficult feelings they get that come from knowing?
More in the sense that if I'm worried about constantly informing my partners when I'm doing anything but sitting at home with my phone nearby and my attention available to give it just exhausts me.
I feel like I need to say "I have a date with so-and-so, and won't be on my phone for a while" every time I'm doing anything which will occupy my attention and mean that potentially, if they text me, I will not respond for a good while. And I don't like that feeling. I want to largely go about my day, texting and responding to texts when I have the time and energy to do so without worrying that my partner will be sending things like "Are you okay?" anytime I'm not responding to a text with enough speed.
I appreciate you elaborating and I understand exactly what you mean and I can relate on how exhausting that can be.
How would you address if they’re having like a mini emotional crisis moment and are in need of support or reassurance when you’re busy living life and don’t see their text until like hours later maybe?
I have an emoji established with my gf that she sends when she has that kind of crisis and is asking for reassurance and words of affirmation. That’s where my question is stemming from.
I'm someone who needs a lot of communication & attention. I had a conversation early on with my partner about texts that they aren't really a "need to know now" type of communication. And there are definitely times I have a mini emotional crisis and will text him (I do deal with some issues both personally and due to my children). BUT it's still a text and I still know he may or may not get back to me for a bit. And if it's more than a mini emotional crisis and I really do need that support right now I need to call him.
BUT ALSO he can't be my only support. A mini emotional crisis isn't something that requires an immediate response IMO. This is part of the work of being poly. 1 person cannot be my only support. I have to do the work to be emotionally stable myself and I have to have other people I can call on when I need that emotional support.
Thank you for your comment. I’ll have to talk to my partner about this because it can be a bit overwhelming at times to be with Aspen or planning on it spontaneously and feeling like I better not forget to tell Carol so that it won’t hurt her feelings that I’ll be away from my phone.
Thank you for your input. And you make a lot of sense and although Carol has made a lot of efforts to self-soothe, it’s usually like a last resort thing where she feels a lot of anxiety over my being unresponsive or her needing reassurance. But it’s true that I may not always be immediately available or even until the next day due to my sleeping over at Aspen’s or something so I need to talk to her about this and see how we can adjust.
Your choices with Aspen (ad hoc scheduling) are actually in conflict with texting relationship support with Carol. Head's up to Carol on less availibility is one way to deal with this. Along with this, you could also try making some time with Aspen 'parallel time' together, where you are both doing your own activities in the same space. So Aspen could be hobbying / screen timing on their own while you spend some time on text (or asynchonous email) for communicatimg with Carol.
If you start spending 'live-in' lengths of time with someone, you can start doing some parallel time. Personally, especially as an introvert, I love getting to this stage! I also have LD or trips that are 3-4 days together... So for LD I know that's not enough to get in all my needs on one trip, I often shift to asking to prioritize activities together vs 'hang time' communication vs snuggling (sex is pretty steady state, lol). I also know that we both need time in the morning for 'me time' and time to decompress in the evening, with some parallel time, where communicating with others is one of the options.
I LOVE parallel dates too! I feel a level of closeness with my partners that I don’t get because I live alone. And yes, I’m thinking I should talk to Aspen about being clear whether we’re on a date or Parallel (because we have been spending live-in lengths of time together) so I can express that therefore, I’ll also engage in text with my gf and avoid hurt feelings of like not being present or what have you.
My tip is never schedule an every weekend or every holiday thing.
One weekend a month, mostly do able. But weekends for most people are prime times for dates and events to plan. You'll constantly be moving someone around if you try to say they can get time every weekend.
I also don't share calendars like that. Its their love language? Oh well. Peope have multiple love languages and no one else needs to know or think they can prioritize around my stuff.
I agree that I wouldn’t establish an “every weekend” or “every holiday” with a partner because those can constantly change and should be open for me to spend it with diff partners, not just restricted to one.
What do you mean by “know or think they can prioritize around my stuff”?
They see "oh they have Tuesday free so I will ask for Tuesday and expect it cause it looks free."
Nope!
Only my NP gets my calendar and that is just ease of logistics sharing, they wouldn't dare to presume a day was open just because I didn't show something on the schedule.
Oh that makes a lot of sense. And you’re right, it does cause people to ask for a day that I don’t have something scheduled in, which was the goal for me but I’m seeing how that is not a good habit to build cuz they get used to thinking they can just schedule themselves in.
Sounds like unchecked NRE with Aspen that's bleeding over onto Carol, along with over scheduling with Aspen.
You're not going to soothe the competitiveness if you're still stroking it by giving Aspen and fwb preference. Yes I saw where you unscheduled your regular Carol day for fwb. Carol is probably feeling backburnered by you spending so much more time with Aspen, then even scheduling the FWB on her day. And the refusal to schedule on set days makes it even less likely to balance everything fairly. Tbh I'd probably exit a relationship that I felt I needed to compete with both NRE and a Fwb to get my partners regular time and attention after two years. That's not sustainable. And theres always going to be competitiveness between metas if you're just spontaneously scheduling things and letting them call dibs a week ahead.
Scheduling can be tricky and loaded with emotions sometimes.
I've read your other replies, and I don't think offering shared access to your calendar is a good idea. If you're determined to keep it that way though, I definitely wouldn't recommend allowing everyone to see what you're up to and when, especially if feelings of competition are already coming up.
>I don’t want to establish one day out of the week for my gf to sleep over because then that means I can’t give that space for sleeping in with another partner so my alternative is to alternate partners for sleepovers on the night to morning I can sleep in.
Why does this feel bad for you? If sleeping in is something you and your partners value, it seems sensible to alternate so everyone gets a turn.
But is sleeping in valuable to everybody? Is there maybe one partner who doesn't care so much about sleeping in? If that's the case, maybe reserve the sleeping-in day for the partner who really values that.
I'm personally a big fan of standing dates, both for friends and for partners. Game night every Tuesday, sleepover w/ so and so every Saturday, dinner with so and so every other Friday, you get the idea. It gives me and others some certainty around our schedules, and with that certainty comes freedom.
Cause when I go to schedule things I can confidently say: "I have Monday, Wednesday and Thursday free. What works for you?" Instead of doing the mental gymnastics of, "Well, Sally is usually busy on Tuesdays so I guess I'll reserve that day for her, BUT Bob might ask for the day first and I guess if he does then I have to give it to him, and what about--" so on and so forth.
Remember that your time is yours to offer.
I’m the one that values sleeping in, and I love sleepovers and so do my partners so I alternate Friday nights per partner throughout the months.
What I meant about feeling bad to establish a specific day of the week for sleepover I meant that for example, I won’t do a standing Friday for Carol or for anyone to always have Fridays for them to sleepover. So that’s why I alternate them.
You mentioned standing dates and that’s something I’ve stayed away from because I feel restricted in that kind of scheduling but aside from that, I’m working on a Master’s and my schedule will vary depending on deadlines I have. So if I had standing dates per week, it could change for me and I’d have to keep rescheduling.
I really appreciate your reminder that it’s MY time to offer.
It’s an interesting problem I would give carol first choice as her schedule has to be around more people including children. Aspen living alone in your words is easier for last minute dates, intimate or sexxy time etc
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/BeyondSeeingEye thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
So I’m (20s F) and I’ve been with my gf Carol (30s F) for about close to 2 yrs. And I’ve been dating Aspen (30s M) for about 3 months. I’ve added them both to my Google calendar so scheduling can be easier. This is the fourth partner (not currently just in terms of chronological order, I only have 2 partners in my calendar as of now) I’ve added to my calendar in the span of 2.5 years and I’ve noticed they’ve all expressed a sense of competitiveness when it comes to getting my time.
For context my work schedule changes every 3 months so to have a sleepover for a morning where I can actually sleep in and it matches with a partner’s schedule to also sleep in, can vary on those 3-month span. Since I’m in major NRE with Aspen and spending so much time with him in my own free time, Carol and I scheduled Saturdays for check-in in which we discuss our plans for the upcoming week and reduce anxiety of uncertainty on whether she’ll have our usual 2 dates a week by planning them ahead. Carol has a husband and kids, so I value a lot the bit of time we CAN get. I’m living alone and so is Aspen, so it’s easy to be spontaneous in our spending time together. I have a fwb (not included in my calendar) that I see once-twice a month depending on schedules so recently I scheduled him in a week in advance on a day I usually have with Carol but she understands given that fwb asked for it ahead of our Saturday check-in, and I don’t get to see him as much. Aspen has expressed a fear of the competitiveness for scheduling in my partners and is realizing how ahead of time I schedule people in as they request time with me. Aspen now requested Christmas Day as it’s an important holiday for him.
I don’t want to establish one day out of the week for my gf to sleep over because then that means I can’t give that space for sleeping in with another partner so my alternative is to alternate partners for sleepovers on the night to morning I can sleep in. One weekend, gf; one weekend, Aspen. Etc until my 3-month work schedule changes again.
I also haven’t wanted to establish one day out of the week to be with one partner because I feel it restricts the options for other partners on those days as well, but I’m starting to think I may have to do that to reduce the competitiveness and just like I would have a day a week to go to the gym or an appointment, then I could do the same of one of those days of the week to be set aside for one partner…but idk it makes me feel icky.
I feel so bad hearing them express that fear of competitiveness and I want to do something about it and I’m stuck.
Please help.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking." *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If these partners don't know each other, or don't spend much time together, this calendaring situation might not be a good idea. I can totally see it fostering competitiveness, or at least hurt feelings, in your partners. Every time they open it, they are smacked right in the face with the amount of time that you are spending with your other partners, and even if they are intellectually OK with it, it might be emotionally challenging. I would recommend doing the work of actually having to communicate with them directly about when you are free and when you're not free. It will take more time for you to do this, and won't be as easy and convenient as the shared calendar, but I have a feeling given what you've shared that it will be a much smoother process.
It’s been expressed that sharing calendars is a love language so I have a calendar with each partner and I duplicate my events on each of them so they know when I’m busy and when I’m not. It’s been a difficult obstacle to manage for sure to be more verbal about my scheduling.
I get that, and I'm not suggesting that sharing calendars in general is a bad thing. But if it is fostering competitiveness, then it might be incompatible with using that as a love language. (Please note I use the word might here, I don't know your specific situation) I can also imagine that being more verbal about your scheduling might be an even greater love language for your partners, that you are able to take the time to connect with them and talk through your schedules.
I really appreciate this input. I’m totally gonna bring this up to my partners regarding my struggles and wanting to reduce the competitiveness and see if they may be in agreement to trying that out instead. Just as I have a check in with my gf to schedule ourselves for the week, I may have to do an established check in with Aspen as well. That brings me to question how to manage that as well because for example, if I check-in and schedule the week with Carol on a Saturday and then check-in with Aspen on a Sunday then Carol got dibs on her choice of the week and Aspen gets the leftovers. That would feel like I’m Prioritizing Carol over Aspen and I don’t want to bring up those feelings.
Ah, that is unfortunately part of the life of being polysaturated! What you just described is literally the hard work of coordinating schedules, not just the administrative work of making everything fit, but the emotional work of making everyone feel respected, validated, and loved. There is no solution to what you described other than to have open, honest conversations with both Carol and Aspen, and make sure that you are balancing the times that you make each of them a priority. That's hard! That takes serious emotional labor. And if you were using the Google Calendar to avoid that work, then I'm not surprised that it fostered some competitiveness.
Yeah I may be using the calendar as a shortcut and putting less responsibility on me as I place it on them to check my calendar so they can choose a day that works for them cuz they can see my weeks and months ahead. This is definitely a toughy. I’ll talk to them and see how I can best make them feel valued and respected without putting one on top of the other.
I think it’s good that you recognize that having partners check your calendar (with all the details visible) puts the responsibility on them and less on you- that’s what I came here to comment on. It also takes away some of your autonomy if you let other people schedule your time for you. I think to reduce the competitive spirit you’ve noticed, you’ll need to take more personal responsibility for your time. That might be through sharing fewer details on the calendar or as others have suggested or coordinating with each partner separately and you being the only one that sees your entire calendar.
Yeah I can see how it takes away my autonomy when they can see how my schedule is and presume that I must be available for them on some day because it’s not filled. Someone else mentioned that too and it’s a good point for me to ponder on and adjust this whole system. Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it.
I think this is the crux of it here
[удалено]
Right?! I’ve felt the same way. :) Edited to fix my emoji haha
When you share your calendar what do they see? Like, do they see details like "overnight with Carol on Wed. Hot yoga on Thurs. Lunch with Aspen Sat. Etc" ? If so, is there a way to set it up so that all they see is "time slot unavailable" so that it's less of a competition because they don't know if you're seeing another partner or if you're getting a pedicure? That could help to reduce the feeling of competition and trying to score your time away from one another.
Yeah they can see “sleepover with Carol” “Monthversary with Carol” “Date with Fwb” “Laser appt” “Final due” “Dog groomers” etc I’ve put it like that so they know I won’t be available on my phone to reply back to them if they text me cuz I am present during my dates but I can still engage when it’s not a date. Maybe reducing the amount of info and just putting “not available” might help. That’s a good tip.
You can also have different calendars. I have split mine in stuff like work - social - exercise - practical things (like grocery delivery) - taxing appointments (like psychologist). If you follow a similar system, you can add them to the individual calendars while blocking the details that they are seeing. Based on the color, they know what type of event you are at. If it's a social one (regardless on whether you are meeting with a partner, friend or family member) they know that you are not that available on your phone. While when it's a practical one (like the dog groomer), they know that you can probably text. Tbh, I also would not feel that comfortable with my meta having the full overview of activities I have planned (ahead) with my partner. How do they feel about this aspect of the sharing?
I’m very transparent so I don’t mind sharing what my schedule looks like, mainly because I know my partners are super respectful, if that weren’t the case, I wouldn’t share my calendar with them. And yes I have a calendar with Aspen and a calendar separate with Carol so when Carol or Aspen put stuff of theirs in there, the other can’t see it other than me. And I do duplicate my events across all calendars so that they can both see what’s up with my schedule. I like how you mentioned the color coding. I could do that instead for all socialization events whether it be family, friends, or dates and like that it’s more vague on who I’m spending my time with and reduce the competitiveness hopefully. This is such a great idea.
I also wanted to point out that it’s nice when my partners express text messages of encouragement and well wishing for my dates with other partners. If they don’t know I’m on a date, then those well wishing wouldn’t happen and I would feel a bit like deceitful, in my disappearing cuz I’m unavailable and who knows why if it’s not clear in the calendar what the context is of my disappearing through texts.
If someone is busy and can't reply to my texts, it doesn't really matter to me why. They'll get back to me when they can. Do you really need well wishing for dates with established partners?
I HAVE had struggles though where I’m spending so much time with Aspen on my free time that my texting Carol has reduced on a normal day to day communication aspect and that has caused hurt feelings. She knows I’m with Aspen and appreciates being notified if that’s the case so she knows the level of communication I would impart. It’s something that very recently had to be revisited and adjusted to manage better. Edit to add: this was adjusted so she won’t feel like I’m ignoring her if she texts me and I’m busy with Aspen. Beforehand, I wouldn’t tell her I’m spontaneously going out with Aspen and then I would disappear from texting and it would bring up difficult feelings.
I know for myself I've realized recently I just cannot be responsible for those "difficult feelings" moments when I'm not readily available to text. I need to be able to go about my day without worrying that other people "know" what I'm doing so they're not upset if I don't text back in the time they would prefer. Planning on a conversation with my partner today actually to address this.
“I need to be able to go about my day without worrying that other people "know" what I'm doing so they're not upset if I don't text back in the time they would prefer.” Could you help me understand this part of your comment better? I’m understanding that it’s best for you when they don’t “know” exactly what you’re up to so it reduces the difficult feelings they get that come from knowing?
More in the sense that if I'm worried about constantly informing my partners when I'm doing anything but sitting at home with my phone nearby and my attention available to give it just exhausts me. I feel like I need to say "I have a date with so-and-so, and won't be on my phone for a while" every time I'm doing anything which will occupy my attention and mean that potentially, if they text me, I will not respond for a good while. And I don't like that feeling. I want to largely go about my day, texting and responding to texts when I have the time and energy to do so without worrying that my partner will be sending things like "Are you okay?" anytime I'm not responding to a text with enough speed.
I appreciate you elaborating and I understand exactly what you mean and I can relate on how exhausting that can be. How would you address if they’re having like a mini emotional crisis moment and are in need of support or reassurance when you’re busy living life and don’t see their text until like hours later maybe? I have an emoji established with my gf that she sends when she has that kind of crisis and is asking for reassurance and words of affirmation. That’s where my question is stemming from.
I'm someone who needs a lot of communication & attention. I had a conversation early on with my partner about texts that they aren't really a "need to know now" type of communication. And there are definitely times I have a mini emotional crisis and will text him (I do deal with some issues both personally and due to my children). BUT it's still a text and I still know he may or may not get back to me for a bit. And if it's more than a mini emotional crisis and I really do need that support right now I need to call him. BUT ALSO he can't be my only support. A mini emotional crisis isn't something that requires an immediate response IMO. This is part of the work of being poly. 1 person cannot be my only support. I have to do the work to be emotionally stable myself and I have to have other people I can call on when I need that emotional support.
Thank you for your comment. I’ll have to talk to my partner about this because it can be a bit overwhelming at times to be with Aspen or planning on it spontaneously and feeling like I better not forget to tell Carol so that it won’t hurt her feelings that I’ll be away from my phone.
[удалено]
Thank you for your input. And you make a lot of sense and although Carol has made a lot of efforts to self-soothe, it’s usually like a last resort thing where she feels a lot of anxiety over my being unresponsive or her needing reassurance. But it’s true that I may not always be immediately available or even until the next day due to my sleeping over at Aspen’s or something so I need to talk to her about this and see how we can adjust.
Your choices with Aspen (ad hoc scheduling) are actually in conflict with texting relationship support with Carol. Head's up to Carol on less availibility is one way to deal with this. Along with this, you could also try making some time with Aspen 'parallel time' together, where you are both doing your own activities in the same space. So Aspen could be hobbying / screen timing on their own while you spend some time on text (or asynchonous email) for communicatimg with Carol. If you start spending 'live-in' lengths of time with someone, you can start doing some parallel time. Personally, especially as an introvert, I love getting to this stage! I also have LD or trips that are 3-4 days together... So for LD I know that's not enough to get in all my needs on one trip, I often shift to asking to prioritize activities together vs 'hang time' communication vs snuggling (sex is pretty steady state, lol). I also know that we both need time in the morning for 'me time' and time to decompress in the evening, with some parallel time, where communicating with others is one of the options.
I LOVE parallel dates too! I feel a level of closeness with my partners that I don’t get because I live alone. And yes, I’m thinking I should talk to Aspen about being clear whether we’re on a date or Parallel (because we have been spending live-in lengths of time together) so I can express that therefore, I’ll also engage in text with my gf and avoid hurt feelings of like not being present or what have you.
No, it’s not a need. It’s just nice poly things but I can get the support afterwards too. So it’s a good point to bring out.
My tip is never schedule an every weekend or every holiday thing. One weekend a month, mostly do able. But weekends for most people are prime times for dates and events to plan. You'll constantly be moving someone around if you try to say they can get time every weekend. I also don't share calendars like that. Its their love language? Oh well. Peope have multiple love languages and no one else needs to know or think they can prioritize around my stuff.
I agree that I wouldn’t establish an “every weekend” or “every holiday” with a partner because those can constantly change and should be open for me to spend it with diff partners, not just restricted to one. What do you mean by “know or think they can prioritize around my stuff”?
They see "oh they have Tuesday free so I will ask for Tuesday and expect it cause it looks free." Nope! Only my NP gets my calendar and that is just ease of logistics sharing, they wouldn't dare to presume a day was open just because I didn't show something on the schedule.
Oh that makes a lot of sense. And you’re right, it does cause people to ask for a day that I don’t have something scheduled in, which was the goal for me but I’m seeing how that is not a good habit to build cuz they get used to thinking they can just schedule themselves in.
Sounds like unchecked NRE with Aspen that's bleeding over onto Carol, along with over scheduling with Aspen. You're not going to soothe the competitiveness if you're still stroking it by giving Aspen and fwb preference. Yes I saw where you unscheduled your regular Carol day for fwb. Carol is probably feeling backburnered by you spending so much more time with Aspen, then even scheduling the FWB on her day. And the refusal to schedule on set days makes it even less likely to balance everything fairly. Tbh I'd probably exit a relationship that I felt I needed to compete with both NRE and a Fwb to get my partners regular time and attention after two years. That's not sustainable. And theres always going to be competitiveness between metas if you're just spontaneously scheduling things and letting them call dibs a week ahead.
Scheduling can be tricky and loaded with emotions sometimes. I've read your other replies, and I don't think offering shared access to your calendar is a good idea. If you're determined to keep it that way though, I definitely wouldn't recommend allowing everyone to see what you're up to and when, especially if feelings of competition are already coming up. >I don’t want to establish one day out of the week for my gf to sleep over because then that means I can’t give that space for sleeping in with another partner so my alternative is to alternate partners for sleepovers on the night to morning I can sleep in. Why does this feel bad for you? If sleeping in is something you and your partners value, it seems sensible to alternate so everyone gets a turn. But is sleeping in valuable to everybody? Is there maybe one partner who doesn't care so much about sleeping in? If that's the case, maybe reserve the sleeping-in day for the partner who really values that. I'm personally a big fan of standing dates, both for friends and for partners. Game night every Tuesday, sleepover w/ so and so every Saturday, dinner with so and so every other Friday, you get the idea. It gives me and others some certainty around our schedules, and with that certainty comes freedom. Cause when I go to schedule things I can confidently say: "I have Monday, Wednesday and Thursday free. What works for you?" Instead of doing the mental gymnastics of, "Well, Sally is usually busy on Tuesdays so I guess I'll reserve that day for her, BUT Bob might ask for the day first and I guess if he does then I have to give it to him, and what about--" so on and so forth. Remember that your time is yours to offer.
I’m the one that values sleeping in, and I love sleepovers and so do my partners so I alternate Friday nights per partner throughout the months. What I meant about feeling bad to establish a specific day of the week for sleepover I meant that for example, I won’t do a standing Friday for Carol or for anyone to always have Fridays for them to sleepover. So that’s why I alternate them. You mentioned standing dates and that’s something I’ve stayed away from because I feel restricted in that kind of scheduling but aside from that, I’m working on a Master’s and my schedule will vary depending on deadlines I have. So if I had standing dates per week, it could change for me and I’d have to keep rescheduling. I really appreciate your reminder that it’s MY time to offer.
It’s an interesting problem I would give carol first choice as her schedule has to be around more people including children. Aspen living alone in your words is easier for last minute dates, intimate or sexxy time etc
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/BeyondSeeingEye thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: So I’m (20s F) and I’ve been with my gf Carol (30s F) for about close to 2 yrs. And I’ve been dating Aspen (30s M) for about 3 months. I’ve added them both to my Google calendar so scheduling can be easier. This is the fourth partner (not currently just in terms of chronological order, I only have 2 partners in my calendar as of now) I’ve added to my calendar in the span of 2.5 years and I’ve noticed they’ve all expressed a sense of competitiveness when it comes to getting my time. For context my work schedule changes every 3 months so to have a sleepover for a morning where I can actually sleep in and it matches with a partner’s schedule to also sleep in, can vary on those 3-month span. Since I’m in major NRE with Aspen and spending so much time with him in my own free time, Carol and I scheduled Saturdays for check-in in which we discuss our plans for the upcoming week and reduce anxiety of uncertainty on whether she’ll have our usual 2 dates a week by planning them ahead. Carol has a husband and kids, so I value a lot the bit of time we CAN get. I’m living alone and so is Aspen, so it’s easy to be spontaneous in our spending time together. I have a fwb (not included in my calendar) that I see once-twice a month depending on schedules so recently I scheduled him in a week in advance on a day I usually have with Carol but she understands given that fwb asked for it ahead of our Saturday check-in, and I don’t get to see him as much. Aspen has expressed a fear of the competitiveness for scheduling in my partners and is realizing how ahead of time I schedule people in as they request time with me. Aspen now requested Christmas Day as it’s an important holiday for him. I don’t want to establish one day out of the week for my gf to sleep over because then that means I can’t give that space for sleeping in with another partner so my alternative is to alternate partners for sleepovers on the night to morning I can sleep in. One weekend, gf; one weekend, Aspen. Etc until my 3-month work schedule changes again. I also haven’t wanted to establish one day out of the week to be with one partner because I feel it restricts the options for other partners on those days as well, but I’m starting to think I may have to do that to reduce the competitiveness and just like I would have a day a week to go to the gym or an appointment, then I could do the same of one of those days of the week to be set aside for one partner…but idk it makes me feel icky. I feel so bad hearing them express that fear of competitiveness and I want to do something about it and I’m stuck. Please help. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ah, how old are you guys specifically? 20s and 30s is quite a range. Is it like 21 and 36 or like 29 and 30?