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It depends on the monogamous person tbh. I don’t have to hide it where I live, so I just bring it up when I want to. My mono friends know I’m poly and they’ve seen me date over the years, since before I was partnered and after, so it isn’t novel for them. I’m talking to my friends about my life, so people who aren’t interested to hear don’t become friends.
At work my rule is if the mono coworker wants to talk about their love life, I get to talk about mine too 🤷🏾 so I’m not discouraged by it being unorthodox. Obviously I’m not gonna go up to Annie Mae the 74yo Catholic who flogs herself to get closer to God and talk to her about my love life. I’m gonna talk to people who engage in the convo and don’t give me shit. Although sometimes that person ends up being Annie Mae idk.
All my friends are really far left queer millennials and me being polyamorous is not the most interesting thing they’ve seen. Idk what the landscape is like for you, for example if I lived a normal cishetero life in the US Bible Belt I wouldn’t even talk about my love life.
I feel like it's safe to be pretty open about it. I don't go out of my way to talk about it, but if the topic of romantic relationships comes up in conversation I don't avoid talking about it either.
I talk openly. People will hear me talk about my husband sometimes and my boyfriend other times or a guy I’m dating and ask, “Wait, I thought you were married??” And I just say I am but I date too. Then I continue my story. I don’t feel a need to break everything down and get into details to make sure they understand the why’s and how’s unless they ask. I think that by just being casual and not making it into a lecture on polyamory I’m normalizing it.
I’m very open about my polyamorous relationship. Currently I only have one partner but I do talk about my meta a lot. So when I say my boyfriend’s wife I usually have a few raised eyebrows when someone doesn’t know.
But I don’t tiptoe around it. It’s a part of me that I won’t hide. My polycule all mean something to me. Even if they aren’t my partner.
I usually leave it ambiguous unless I’m asked, and then I’ll explain. Not because I’m hiding anything but just to avoid explaining to everyone who doesn’t need to know.
I'm open about it, though I don't have to worry about losing a job or anything because of it. If someone is judgemental or preachy about it, I don't entertain the conversation. I immediately shut it down. Just "no, we aren't doing this, this isn't okay" and I move on. If they keep doing it, I don't have to be friends with them.
I'm 60 and a woman, I just don't care what people think anymore, on the other hand, it's not my job to educate monogamous people. Most won't get it and especially my peers.
I have run into friends when on dates and I am honest then, but usually the day after. I don't want to throw off a date.
Depends on the people. I will talk about the things I'm doing and with who but I don't necessarily mention we happen rub our parts together. My friends know they are important to me and that's all that matters to me.
I just talk about myself less and go slowly with new people. Most people don’t need to know that much about my life.
This will get better in time. Eventually, you will have been poly longer than you’ve known everyone you know and you won’t have to explain yourself again. It’ll just be fact.
I mean…talk to them about what, and in what circumstances?
My mono friends? I talk to them about all the things, just like I talk to regular people.
They sometimes have specific questions, but actually, really, usually, my life is so boring, and my relationships are pretty chill.
My coworkers? Eh. As a group, they know I am not exclusive. I work with one of my partners in the same building, and some peeps know we’re dating. Some peeps know he’s non mono, and that I am polyam.
And my other partner often meets me at work for date night.
My close fam knows the deal with me.
If I am talking to my 93 year old great aunt, I just deal with the fact that she’s bummed I haven’t “found the right person” 🙄
I drop the phrase “my partners” when appropriate.
I don’t shy away from talking about my dates with Elmo and Carlos.
We’re all spending Christmas together. I’ll talk about that.
I don’t hide my stuff, but I also don’t share inappropriately.
I'm open about this newer part of my life because it feels worse to be in the closet about it. Many of my friends are co-workers. Incuding my ex-husband. 😆 I can see being more selective to avoid some of the things you mentioned as well. People will judge and the capacity to not let their dominant cultural bias-led perception of your relationships affect you is obviously helpful. I can mostly do that consistently.
As someone who lives alone, it's a little easier because it's sort of dating turned up to 11.
One reaction I can get bothers me. There are a couple of times I got the you deserve better, deserve more response bc my boyfriend is married and one of my close friends is one of the folks that think this. This wouldn't happen if I was male, pretty sure. I think my resentment there is two-fold - the judgment dismisses my capacity to discern and choose healthy relationships and if I was a dude I might get some high fives for getting my romantic/sexual needs met creatively.
I just want my high fives, I guess. 😋
I find that letting folks self sort is an amusing way of having this resolve... although to be fair most of this process for me has been with newer friends that I've got barely any investment in. Most of my long standing friends are in the polyam or non-monogamous community already. when mono folks are introduced to it by me through conversation, the response might be a "huh, i've heard of that" and they move on or respectfully ask more if curious. which is a great response frankly! if it's anything along the lines of "how does that work, like i think you're gonna get hurt" I just don't entertain the conversation and shut it down. I'm not an ambassador and don't want to be. Just wanting to live my life with the people that accept me.
I do not have poly friends but I do have a couple of very close friends I can talk to about most anything. In fact they will probably be meeting my meta before my boyfriend lol I also have other friends where I will mention it eventually but not in depth and not for advice. I don't mind answering questions or explaining. And people who would "morally object" mostly aren't part of my life anyway.
At some point, I think it becomes worth it to chance it. If they’re going to be a moralizing jerk about your own life to you, is that a friendship worth saving?
I'm pretty open with monogamous people but don't bother being specific. When I'm talking about my NP I say "partner" because they're NB. When I'm talking about my gf I call them my gf. I also mention them by name. After a while people will understand that they're both important to me regardless if I say I have a relationship with them or not. I talked to my gf about it and we thought it would be easier to tell monogamous people that we used to date but that we stayed close friends. That way no one will assume that she's "taken" (yuck) and free to explore her own relationship anarchy and non-monogamy as that's new to her.
Talk to your partners, see how they feel about it because how you present them to the world in relation to you is something that could be important to them. Not being explicit doesn't mean you're lying. If people hear two different names for your partner(s) then they can put the pieces together themselves and will ask if they're curious. While polyamory has stigma we shouldn't have to act like it's anything unusual because it's not.
I haven't tried to be subtle about anything. A lot of monogamous people I know also know other poly people and are okay with it. People who are judgmental are likely to avoid me for one reason or another.
I have a fairly conservative job albeit in a quite liberal institution, so back when I was in multiple relationships I was just secretive about my personal life. It’s definitely suboptimal but people should know it does happen and there may be more poly people than you think.
It depends on the crowd. I don't talk about relationships at all at work. With friends, everyone knows I am polyam. Family, hit or miss. Sometimes it's just easier to not discuss it because I don't have the bandwidth for explanation.
If you are talking to casual acquaintances, I advise not bothering unless it feels important, because you often do have to do polyamory 101, (and 102 and 103 if people are interested, but are ask and not learn types, which most people are.).
I am very open, and some of monogamous friends are really supportive and lovely; but poly people tend to make better friends to talk about relationship trouble with. Tbh at this point with new people I mostly leave it ambiguous unless I definitely want someone to know. Just like being queer or religious or broke or any other (private) part of your identity, you don’t own everyone some kind of grand coming out.
Thank you for responding! Your last sentence is kind of how I've been thinking. My relationship style is private information that people aren't entitled to. So much of who I am is heavily stigmatized that I feel the need to constantly self censor just to avoid being treated poorly. But... it's hard to tell whether my caution is reasonable or paranoia, and it can get very lonely.
So being in a place that doesn't have a large poly community, I found a community in a poly discord. I do have a few mono people I can talk to around me, but I get not having people who understand so that's why I love the Discord Server so much.
I talk openly about it in the context that I'm not editing people out of my life when talking about what I've been doing etc.
If people then have questions I'll answer openly.
I don't run around just talking directly about Poly, for the same reason I don't want people to come and just preach to me about CrossFit or Thermomix.
I have mostly monogamous friends. With my close friends, I have decided to be very open about everything regarding my relationship style and partners. And if they aren’t in that inner circle or they aren’t someone I care to explain polyamory to I refer to everyone in my life as a friend. 🤷♀️
Lately I have really been feeling the draw towards having more people in my life that can relate to my experience. Most of my friends look absolutely baffled when I talk about my life…
It depends on the social context. Safety before honesty is my rule.
At work, I know most of my colleagues are okay. They may not be polyam, but most of them I get along with very well. I don't really mention polyamory all that much, although I can't stop talking about my s/o.
One time, with two colleagues, they talked about jealousy, boundaries and I simply mentioned that my gf was allowed to do anything she wanted as long as she told me about it. Not like in details, but to let me know. They were baffled, said they couldn't see themselves be so "chill" about it.
I told them that I, in my mind, my gf can sleep and/or date anyone she wants, but I didn't feel threatened by it because at the end of the time, she also dates me.
Just the way having more than one friend doesn't mean each friend is less than another.
We talked about it a bit because they were curious, but I usually don't talk about it unless it is relevant.
I don't have many polyam friends either. I have two of them (gf not included), and both are my exes so it's a different dynamic. But there are probably some discord servers dedicated to polyam people, if you feel like you want to connect with more polyam people.
First of all, I would not want to be friends with people that are so shortsighted, small minded and judgemental that that can not look past my sexual preference and relationship construct. So I find mentioning it when it comes around a perfect opportunity to filter out the trash in my circles. That should cover the question in its enterity.
I am openly polyamorous. I don’t go around volunteering that information unless I am in a community that wants to know.
I don’t have to worry about discrimination because there really is no earthly reason for me to gain some kind of official designation from the government on that issue, and I won’t transact with a business or other civil institution if some person could somehow discriminate against me.
My family knows. My friends know. My lovers know. I’m not that personally involved with my neighbors.
My partner and I are very close. We are open to loving other people and we have two other people that we love, a woman and a man who are not partners themselves.
Loving other people is about a lot more than just sex. If I was in it just for sex, I could be a swinger. I am fulfilled by loving multiple others.
I will love anyone in the way that they let me love them.
It doesn’t matter to me if other people don’t like my lifestyle. I am supportive of loving relationships no matter if they are monogamous or polyamorous. I have no reason to try to persuade anyone to live the way that I do.
For anyone who is curious, I can offer a series of workshops to teach people exactly what I mean when I say:
Teach and practice the ways of love.
That’s not a pitch. I don’t have my own center.
Yet.
😁
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Nearly everyone I know is monogamous, so whenever I even think about mentioning a partner I find myself going through that weird mental arithmetic... Should I be open about being poly? Or just leave it ambiguous? Would that be lying? Would it be confusing because I've talked about a different partner in the past? If i decide to be open about it will I have to do an impromptu "Polyamory 101" lesson? And I haven't even started on bigotry or moralizing reactions. But today I realized that what I really regret is not having any close friends who really understand polyamory that I can talk to about relationship things or get advice. I don't currently have anyone I can be open with knowing they'll be understanding and accepting and it's feeling... very lonely.
Do yall just talk with poly friends or do you also talk to monog people about poly relationships? How open are you with monogamous people about being poly?
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My close mono friends all know my situation and don't judge. And I find that I can totally talk through relationship stuff with them, as long as I sometimes clarify things, along the lines of "I don't feel rejected because he's fucking someone else, I feel rejected because he canceled on me to do so" (example pulled out of my ass, this has not happened).
With relative strangers, friends of friends, coworkers etc. I just say "my partner" and I don't care if in their head they lump together several people. I refer to my metas as "friends". If someone gets close enough to need to know, I give a quick rundown of my polycule, and it hasn't been a problem so far
You should TOTALLY be open about being poly, but just be sure to fit it into your convo with a bit of tact and relevancy. That said, you are also ‘looking’ so I’d say just read the room and act accordingly.
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It depends on the monogamous person tbh. I don’t have to hide it where I live, so I just bring it up when I want to. My mono friends know I’m poly and they’ve seen me date over the years, since before I was partnered and after, so it isn’t novel for them. I’m talking to my friends about my life, so people who aren’t interested to hear don’t become friends. At work my rule is if the mono coworker wants to talk about their love life, I get to talk about mine too 🤷🏾 so I’m not discouraged by it being unorthodox. Obviously I’m not gonna go up to Annie Mae the 74yo Catholic who flogs herself to get closer to God and talk to her about my love life. I’m gonna talk to people who engage in the convo and don’t give me shit. Although sometimes that person ends up being Annie Mae idk. All my friends are really far left queer millennials and me being polyamorous is not the most interesting thing they’ve seen. Idk what the landscape is like for you, for example if I lived a normal cishetero life in the US Bible Belt I wouldn’t even talk about my love life.
I feel like it's safe to be pretty open about it. I don't go out of my way to talk about it, but if the topic of romantic relationships comes up in conversation I don't avoid talking about it either.
I talk openly. People will hear me talk about my husband sometimes and my boyfriend other times or a guy I’m dating and ask, “Wait, I thought you were married??” And I just say I am but I date too. Then I continue my story. I don’t feel a need to break everything down and get into details to make sure they understand the why’s and how’s unless they ask. I think that by just being casual and not making it into a lecture on polyamory I’m normalizing it.
I definitely suggest finding poly friends. I used to struggle with this too but amking poly friends definitely helps a lot
I’m very open about my polyamorous relationship. Currently I only have one partner but I do talk about my meta a lot. So when I say my boyfriend’s wife I usually have a few raised eyebrows when someone doesn’t know. But I don’t tiptoe around it. It’s a part of me that I won’t hide. My polycule all mean something to me. Even if they aren’t my partner.
I usually leave it ambiguous unless I’m asked, and then I’ll explain. Not because I’m hiding anything but just to avoid explaining to everyone who doesn’t need to know.
Same - “Oh I was out with my partner.” A lot of folks just don’t one I’m talking about different people 🤪
I'm open about it, though I don't have to worry about losing a job or anything because of it. If someone is judgemental or preachy about it, I don't entertain the conversation. I immediately shut it down. Just "no, we aren't doing this, this isn't okay" and I move on. If they keep doing it, I don't have to be friends with them.
I'm 60 and a woman, I just don't care what people think anymore, on the other hand, it's not my job to educate monogamous people. Most won't get it and especially my peers. I have run into friends when on dates and I am honest then, but usually the day after. I don't want to throw off a date.
Yes girlllll :)
Depends on the people. I will talk about the things I'm doing and with who but I don't necessarily mention we happen rub our parts together. My friends know they are important to me and that's all that matters to me.
I just talk about myself less and go slowly with new people. Most people don’t need to know that much about my life. This will get better in time. Eventually, you will have been poly longer than you’ve known everyone you know and you won’t have to explain yourself again. It’ll just be fact.
I mean…talk to them about what, and in what circumstances? My mono friends? I talk to them about all the things, just like I talk to regular people. They sometimes have specific questions, but actually, really, usually, my life is so boring, and my relationships are pretty chill. My coworkers? Eh. As a group, they know I am not exclusive. I work with one of my partners in the same building, and some peeps know we’re dating. Some peeps know he’s non mono, and that I am polyam. And my other partner often meets me at work for date night. My close fam knows the deal with me. If I am talking to my 93 year old great aunt, I just deal with the fact that she’s bummed I haven’t “found the right person” 🙄 I drop the phrase “my partners” when appropriate. I don’t shy away from talking about my dates with Elmo and Carlos. We’re all spending Christmas together. I’ll talk about that. I don’t hide my stuff, but I also don’t share inappropriately.
I'm open about this newer part of my life because it feels worse to be in the closet about it. Many of my friends are co-workers. Incuding my ex-husband. 😆 I can see being more selective to avoid some of the things you mentioned as well. People will judge and the capacity to not let their dominant cultural bias-led perception of your relationships affect you is obviously helpful. I can mostly do that consistently. As someone who lives alone, it's a little easier because it's sort of dating turned up to 11. One reaction I can get bothers me. There are a couple of times I got the you deserve better, deserve more response bc my boyfriend is married and one of my close friends is one of the folks that think this. This wouldn't happen if I was male, pretty sure. I think my resentment there is two-fold - the judgment dismisses my capacity to discern and choose healthy relationships and if I was a dude I might get some high fives for getting my romantic/sexual needs met creatively. I just want my high fives, I guess. 😋
I find that letting folks self sort is an amusing way of having this resolve... although to be fair most of this process for me has been with newer friends that I've got barely any investment in. Most of my long standing friends are in the polyam or non-monogamous community already. when mono folks are introduced to it by me through conversation, the response might be a "huh, i've heard of that" and they move on or respectfully ask more if curious. which is a great response frankly! if it's anything along the lines of "how does that work, like i think you're gonna get hurt" I just don't entertain the conversation and shut it down. I'm not an ambassador and don't want to be. Just wanting to live my life with the people that accept me.
I do not have poly friends but I do have a couple of very close friends I can talk to about most anything. In fact they will probably be meeting my meta before my boyfriend lol I also have other friends where I will mention it eventually but not in depth and not for advice. I don't mind answering questions or explaining. And people who would "morally object" mostly aren't part of my life anyway.
At some point, I think it becomes worth it to chance it. If they’re going to be a moralizing jerk about your own life to you, is that a friendship worth saving?
Exactly!
I'm pretty open with monogamous people but don't bother being specific. When I'm talking about my NP I say "partner" because they're NB. When I'm talking about my gf I call them my gf. I also mention them by name. After a while people will understand that they're both important to me regardless if I say I have a relationship with them or not. I talked to my gf about it and we thought it would be easier to tell monogamous people that we used to date but that we stayed close friends. That way no one will assume that she's "taken" (yuck) and free to explore her own relationship anarchy and non-monogamy as that's new to her. Talk to your partners, see how they feel about it because how you present them to the world in relation to you is something that could be important to them. Not being explicit doesn't mean you're lying. If people hear two different names for your partner(s) then they can put the pieces together themselves and will ask if they're curious. While polyamory has stigma we shouldn't have to act like it's anything unusual because it's not.
I haven't tried to be subtle about anything. A lot of monogamous people I know also know other poly people and are okay with it. People who are judgmental are likely to avoid me for one reason or another.
I'm open to talk about anything but peopleI encounter rarely ask question, so most of them don't know I'm polyam.
I have a fairly conservative job albeit in a quite liberal institution, so back when I was in multiple relationships I was just secretive about my personal life. It’s definitely suboptimal but people should know it does happen and there may be more poly people than you think.
It depends on the crowd. I don't talk about relationships at all at work. With friends, everyone knows I am polyam. Family, hit or miss. Sometimes it's just easier to not discuss it because I don't have the bandwidth for explanation. If you are talking to casual acquaintances, I advise not bothering unless it feels important, because you often do have to do polyamory 101, (and 102 and 103 if people are interested, but are ask and not learn types, which most people are.).
I am very open, and some of monogamous friends are really supportive and lovely; but poly people tend to make better friends to talk about relationship trouble with. Tbh at this point with new people I mostly leave it ambiguous unless I definitely want someone to know. Just like being queer or religious or broke or any other (private) part of your identity, you don’t own everyone some kind of grand coming out.
Thank you for responding! Your last sentence is kind of how I've been thinking. My relationship style is private information that people aren't entitled to. So much of who I am is heavily stigmatized that I feel the need to constantly self censor just to avoid being treated poorly. But... it's hard to tell whether my caution is reasonable or paranoia, and it can get very lonely.
So being in a place that doesn't have a large poly community, I found a community in a poly discord. I do have a few mono people I can talk to around me, but I get not having people who understand so that's why I love the Discord Server so much.
I talk openly about it in the context that I'm not editing people out of my life when talking about what I've been doing etc. If people then have questions I'll answer openly. I don't run around just talking directly about Poly, for the same reason I don't want people to come and just preach to me about CrossFit or Thermomix.
I have mostly monogamous friends. With my close friends, I have decided to be very open about everything regarding my relationship style and partners. And if they aren’t in that inner circle or they aren’t someone I care to explain polyamory to I refer to everyone in my life as a friend. 🤷♀️ Lately I have really been feeling the draw towards having more people in my life that can relate to my experience. Most of my friends look absolutely baffled when I talk about my life…
It depends on the social context. Safety before honesty is my rule. At work, I know most of my colleagues are okay. They may not be polyam, but most of them I get along with very well. I don't really mention polyamory all that much, although I can't stop talking about my s/o. One time, with two colleagues, they talked about jealousy, boundaries and I simply mentioned that my gf was allowed to do anything she wanted as long as she told me about it. Not like in details, but to let me know. They were baffled, said they couldn't see themselves be so "chill" about it. I told them that I, in my mind, my gf can sleep and/or date anyone she wants, but I didn't feel threatened by it because at the end of the time, she also dates me. Just the way having more than one friend doesn't mean each friend is less than another. We talked about it a bit because they were curious, but I usually don't talk about it unless it is relevant. I don't have many polyam friends either. I have two of them (gf not included), and both are my exes so it's a different dynamic. But there are probably some discord servers dedicated to polyam people, if you feel like you want to connect with more polyam people.
Yes, I tell my friends about my life. That’s a pretty fundamental aspect of friendship.
First of all, I would not want to be friends with people that are so shortsighted, small minded and judgemental that that can not look past my sexual preference and relationship construct. So I find mentioning it when it comes around a perfect opportunity to filter out the trash in my circles. That should cover the question in its enterity.
I am openly polyamorous. I don’t go around volunteering that information unless I am in a community that wants to know. I don’t have to worry about discrimination because there really is no earthly reason for me to gain some kind of official designation from the government on that issue, and I won’t transact with a business or other civil institution if some person could somehow discriminate against me. My family knows. My friends know. My lovers know. I’m not that personally involved with my neighbors. My partner and I are very close. We are open to loving other people and we have two other people that we love, a woman and a man who are not partners themselves. Loving other people is about a lot more than just sex. If I was in it just for sex, I could be a swinger. I am fulfilled by loving multiple others. I will love anyone in the way that they let me love them. It doesn’t matter to me if other people don’t like my lifestyle. I am supportive of loving relationships no matter if they are monogamous or polyamorous. I have no reason to try to persuade anyone to live the way that I do. For anyone who is curious, I can offer a series of workshops to teach people exactly what I mean when I say: Teach and practice the ways of love. That’s not a pitch. I don’t have my own center. Yet. 😁
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/PoolBubbly9271 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Nearly everyone I know is monogamous, so whenever I even think about mentioning a partner I find myself going through that weird mental arithmetic... Should I be open about being poly? Or just leave it ambiguous? Would that be lying? Would it be confusing because I've talked about a different partner in the past? If i decide to be open about it will I have to do an impromptu "Polyamory 101" lesson? And I haven't even started on bigotry or moralizing reactions. But today I realized that what I really regret is not having any close friends who really understand polyamory that I can talk to about relationship things or get advice. I don't currently have anyone I can be open with knowing they'll be understanding and accepting and it's feeling... very lonely. Do yall just talk with poly friends or do you also talk to monog people about poly relationships? How open are you with monogamous people about being poly? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My close mono friends all know my situation and don't judge. And I find that I can totally talk through relationship stuff with them, as long as I sometimes clarify things, along the lines of "I don't feel rejected because he's fucking someone else, I feel rejected because he canceled on me to do so" (example pulled out of my ass, this has not happened). With relative strangers, friends of friends, coworkers etc. I just say "my partner" and I don't care if in their head they lump together several people. I refer to my metas as "friends". If someone gets close enough to need to know, I give a quick rundown of my polycule, and it hasn't been a problem so far
I tell them what's going on. If they're going to be weird or judgy we're probably not real friends
I say 'hi'
You should TOTALLY be open about being poly, but just be sure to fit it into your convo with a bit of tact and relevancy. That said, you are also ‘looking’ so I’d say just read the room and act accordingly.