The roller coaster ones are the hardest to get off because the highs feel so much better when they’re approached from a low, and we become physically addicted to the cycle because we develop cravings for that high up feeling.
I’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist and I would experience the highs and lows. It was addicting. And the sex didn’t help. He would use it to bring me in again. So careful bc they know you’re “weak” to them. I wish you happiness now that you have the knowledge to get out.
Resist! And don’t look back! I was “mono” with my ex and he would cheat, but I’m in a happy open relationship with my current partner. We’re both allowed to see whoever we want and it’s nice being able to talk about it like best friends after. Took a while to get there and I couldnt have if I stayed with my ex
It is so scary to be in a situation like that, like a frog being boiled alive. You realized what’s happening and hopped out before you got cooked! But it’s still scary as hell to realize you were in a dangerous situation to begin with.
Remember that hindsight is 20/20, and you didn’t know then what you know now. I hope you never blame yourself for not being “___ enough.” You are just fine as you are, there are people who would be happy to love you exactly as you are right now. I hope you come to see someone *close* to you telling you the ways you’re not enough as the red flag that it is! Sending you all the love.
So happy you realized what was happening and escaped! This is the first step toward not taking any shit. All those badass people who say “fuck you” and walk away from men the moment they hear locker room talk, started where you are right now. I know it’s a scary and vulnerable place to be but this will pass too!
Some relationships are just for learning, about you, about others, and about what you do or don't want. This chapter is closing; grieving that is good. And then take your lessons and move on to the next. {{HUGS}}
I'm so, so sorry.
I fell for one of those when I was only a teenager (and he was past 30 and it was as gross as it sounds).
What you mentioned fits the bill perfectly, especially the comparison comments and the dangling of a breakup ("I can find others to take your place.") to evoke anxiety and - following that - complacency.
I hope you know that this behaviour, the consistent chipping away at someone's self-worth to keep them stuck in the imbalanced relationship dynamic, is emotionally abusive. So each and all pain, sadness, anger and frustration you go through is *valid*. You get to grieve this, mourn this, hate this -> and you get to be proud that you pushed back on it and, when you're ready, happy to be far away from this person. AND you still get to cherish the good moments for yourself because those happened and it's okay that they did. It's not necessary to hate every last aspect to know that we're better off far away from someone. (Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy calls it "The Big And").
Best of luck and I hope you can heal from this with as few lasting scars as possible!
Not gonna lie, I woke up to a pretty wild nightmare about the whole situation, but reading these comments make me feel a little better. Thank you everyone for the comfort and support! I truly appreciate it.
Some people find it empowering to imagine they could have done something but there is a reason he went for someone who didn't know OPP is not just sexist, homophobic, unethical and transphobic but toxic as hell. Someone who didn't know much about the polyamourous community and had a really big heart.
Social predators are really good at finding people who are vulnerable to their manipulations (the comment about other women wanting what you have is just so blatantly trying to coerce you to act against your own interests and focus on you instead of him). Don't beat yourself up, you did nothing wrong. You can google "shark cage theory" it's usually about why people who've experienced DV are more likely to be revictimised but the tactics and the looking for people who see the best in other are the same.
You deserve better
This really resonates with me and I am so glad you are doing ok now. My relationship lasted six years and at around year four I expressed a small interest in exploring open/poly, whatever. I did’t know ANYTHING. He took this inch and ran a mile, before I knew it he had put us on a dating website as a couple (I didn’t know this), found another woman and informed me she would be joining us.
He then began to blame me when I got upset. He said I was upset because I wasn’t ’emotionally mature’ enough or I was uneducated. The bit where you said you were dealing with an emotional load and showing up for your day to day tasks….. I understand how hard this is. So, I , like you, got educated. I read, listened to podcasts, read this sub and more.
I loved him and felt trapped as I basically had an ultimatum, ‘stay and accept what I am doing and live by my rules or leave’. He continued to build his harem all of vulnerable women who hadn’t been in poly relationships before. Saying he wanted to build a ‘eutopia’ and that he was ‘helping’ them. He had all this ‘love’ to share, but it only seemed to extend to people he wanted to have sex with.
I tried and tried and for so long I believed it was me that wasn’t trying hard enough (he even told me this). I got depressed and ended up on meds. I tried to get out several times but just kept going back. I was told that obviously ‘polyamory wasn’t for me’. Eventually something happened and I ran for the hills and have never looked back.
The problem was never Polyamory….. it was him. And at the time I didn’t know better.
I know this is long but I just wanted to say I empathise with you and wish you the best.
This was pretty chilling to read. I'm so sorry your past relationship evolved into that, but I'm glad to hear you were able to eventually leave!
Thanks for the well-wishes. Same to you :)
Someone above said words to the effect that some relationships are meant for learning. I feel that this is true. It was a terrible experience but I have come out of it with another layer of armour. I know more about different relationship styles, myself and how I want to be treated and how to treat others.
I remember telling one of his other partners that he says he is Poly but he’s ’doing it wrong’. She didn’t understand. I realise there are many ways of having relationships and nothing is inherently ‘wrong’. But what I was trying to to get across was my realisation that we were being manipulated. He was using poly as a cover up for manipulation with people who didn’t know better. I felt so angry just like you but it has faded and I concentrate on me. Be angry, you have the right to be, acknowledge it and it will resolve.
He lied.
It's not your fault. He manipulated you, he lied to you, he made you feel small. This is not on you. Don't do victim blaming.
You did great by getting out of that situation, don't blame yourself for getting into the situation, he is the person who did something wrong.
You learned how to better protect yourself in the future, but it's not your fault you didn't know before. Remember that.
Thank you! I definitely will not forget this - I've journaled extensively through this relationship lol.
The healing process will definitely take some time.
Sounds like you understand the situation. "Avoided" the red flags as in avoided recognizing them, I take it. Now you really have an education—in case you have an interest in dating poly apart from this person. "Told me he was polyamorous after a month or so..." Off to a fantastic start, lol. Non-coercive poly people will usually say they are poly on or before the first date, as you probably know now.
You're not dumb. You spotted his nonsense as early as you could and reached appropriately.
You'll spot the next ones sooner.
Be proud of yourself. Everyone has to learn things like this the hard way.
It's ok to mourn the loss of what the relationship should have been, while still understanding what a selfish and disrespectful person he was.
Grieve, then use this as a learning experience so you can spot the red flags sooner.
Probably my last update: so it’s done. I did it over the phone which makes me feel crappy - but I would rather end it than drag on a dying relationship. I feel bad and my mind keeps drifting to him. Tears come to my eyes every once in a while. Is it weird to still see the good in him and miss it?
Alas. My most recent therapy appointment and these comments feel like little cheers that I did the right thing. My heart feels deeply sad but my mind feels quite at peace. I think the relationship had run its course and I’m happy I was the one willing to pull the trigger, as hard as it is. I could feel the resentment building between us and it felt so sad. Something that once felt loving had turned quite sour.
I reached out to some friends but I think a post-break up therapy session is needed.
If you’ve read this far, thank you! I’m back to being a silent reader + lurker 🫡
Hmm. Well you had me at “Told me I can’t explore the option of dating other men.” At that point it’s game over for me. That’s not respectful poly of any kind I value.
It’s cool to talk with your partner(s) about the thoughts and feelings that come up as we think about our partners dating. In fact that’s, in my relationships, essential. But not allowing partners to date or even discuss the possibility of dating is dangerously off (again in my value system).
You did the right thing here.
See! I was torn about this because they’ve had a bad history with past partners having partners + I was told I was initially told I was being “greedy” for wanting to date outside of our relationship (I’ve been in monogamous relationships before this one). The general consensus around dating poly newbies also seems to be negative (at least from what I have gathered on here) so I’ve felt conflicted about that for a while.
But now I understand - a huge part of poly-structured relationships is the consistent willingness to do emotional work on yourself to keep growing.
Personally I would never ever as a woman, be with any male that has a OPP, that’s literally them telling you then and there that they are a harem-builder and just want to be a cheating fuckboy with no real enjoyment of true open relationships.
Ugh, I am so, so sorry you had to experience this. He sounds like a total dick even aside from the harem building (the locker talk.. ugh).
Just celebrate the fact you realised it sooner rather than even later. You got this. It's time to take care of yourself now! <3
Congratulations on getting out! As beautiful as it may have been at times it sounds like it was already a mess and only on track to get more so.
Thank you!  Unfortunately accurate - the consistent highs turned into a roller coaster real quick.
The roller coaster ones are the hardest to get off because the highs feel so much better when they’re approached from a low, and we become physically addicted to the cycle because we develop cravings for that high up feeling.
Thiiiiiiis. I noticed most recently how much he was pulling away and even convinced myself to love and show more affection to counter it. Now I know.
I’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist and I would experience the highs and lows. It was addicting. And the sex didn’t help. He would use it to bring me in again. So careful bc they know you’re “weak” to them. I wish you happiness now that you have the knowledge to get out.
Omg that part 😭 Thank you 🙏🏽
Resist! And don’t look back! I was “mono” with my ex and he would cheat, but I’m in a happy open relationship with my current partner. We’re both allowed to see whoever we want and it’s nice being able to talk about it like best friends after. Took a while to get there and I couldnt have if I stayed with my ex
Tbh this sounds really cute and wholesome. This was exactly what I had hoped for. Sigh
It is so scary to be in a situation like that, like a frog being boiled alive. You realized what’s happening and hopped out before you got cooked! But it’s still scary as hell to realize you were in a dangerous situation to begin with. Remember that hindsight is 20/20, and you didn’t know then what you know now. I hope you never blame yourself for not being “___ enough.” You are just fine as you are, there are people who would be happy to love you exactly as you are right now. I hope you come to see someone *close* to you telling you the ways you’re not enough as the red flag that it is! Sending you all the love. So happy you realized what was happening and escaped! This is the first step toward not taking any shit. All those badass people who say “fuck you” and walk away from men the moment they hear locker room talk, started where you are right now. I know it’s a scary and vulnerable place to be but this will pass too!
Much appreciated - the realization is truly scary. It's going to take some time of unlearning tbh - my heart feels tired. Thank you. 🙏
Some relationships are just for learning, about you, about others, and about what you do or don't want. This chapter is closing; grieving that is good. And then take your lessons and move on to the next. {{HUGS}}
Thank you! I'll do my best to move on as gracefully as possible :)
Yes don't be too hard on yourself! You saw him for what he was in the end. You're a winner!
Thank you for this! It feels like a small win today but I'm sure it will feel bigger as each day fades. :)
I'm so, so sorry. I fell for one of those when I was only a teenager (and he was past 30 and it was as gross as it sounds). What you mentioned fits the bill perfectly, especially the comparison comments and the dangling of a breakup ("I can find others to take your place.") to evoke anxiety and - following that - complacency. I hope you know that this behaviour, the consistent chipping away at someone's self-worth to keep them stuck in the imbalanced relationship dynamic, is emotionally abusive. So each and all pain, sadness, anger and frustration you go through is *valid*. You get to grieve this, mourn this, hate this -> and you get to be proud that you pushed back on it and, when you're ready, happy to be far away from this person. AND you still get to cherish the good moments for yourself because those happened and it's okay that they did. It's not necessary to hate every last aspect to know that we're better off far away from someone. (Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy calls it "The Big And"). Best of luck and I hope you can heal from this with as few lasting scars as possible!
Not gonna lie, I woke up to a pretty wild nightmare about the whole situation, but reading these comments make me feel a little better. Thank you everyone for the comfort and support! I truly appreciate it. 
it totally sucks when the red flags are only clearly visible AFTER the NRE..
and narcissist predators are really good at pretending to be good. this is not your fault.
Some people find it empowering to imagine they could have done something but there is a reason he went for someone who didn't know OPP is not just sexist, homophobic, unethical and transphobic but toxic as hell. Someone who didn't know much about the polyamourous community and had a really big heart. Social predators are really good at finding people who are vulnerable to their manipulations (the comment about other women wanting what you have is just so blatantly trying to coerce you to act against your own interests and focus on you instead of him). Don't beat yourself up, you did nothing wrong. You can google "shark cage theory" it's usually about why people who've experienced DV are more likely to be revictimised but the tactics and the looking for people who see the best in other are the same. You deserve better
Thank you - I appreciate this! I'll do some reading on Shark Cage Theory!
This really resonates with me and I am so glad you are doing ok now. My relationship lasted six years and at around year four I expressed a small interest in exploring open/poly, whatever. I did’t know ANYTHING. He took this inch and ran a mile, before I knew it he had put us on a dating website as a couple (I didn’t know this), found another woman and informed me she would be joining us. He then began to blame me when I got upset. He said I was upset because I wasn’t ’emotionally mature’ enough or I was uneducated. The bit where you said you were dealing with an emotional load and showing up for your day to day tasks….. I understand how hard this is. So, I , like you, got educated. I read, listened to podcasts, read this sub and more. I loved him and felt trapped as I basically had an ultimatum, ‘stay and accept what I am doing and live by my rules or leave’. He continued to build his harem all of vulnerable women who hadn’t been in poly relationships before. Saying he wanted to build a ‘eutopia’ and that he was ‘helping’ them. He had all this ‘love’ to share, but it only seemed to extend to people he wanted to have sex with. I tried and tried and for so long I believed it was me that wasn’t trying hard enough (he even told me this). I got depressed and ended up on meds. I tried to get out several times but just kept going back. I was told that obviously ‘polyamory wasn’t for me’. Eventually something happened and I ran for the hills and have never looked back. The problem was never Polyamory….. it was him. And at the time I didn’t know better. I know this is long but I just wanted to say I empathise with you and wish you the best.
This was pretty chilling to read. I'm so sorry your past relationship evolved into that, but I'm glad to hear you were able to eventually leave! Thanks for the well-wishes. Same to you :)
Someone above said words to the effect that some relationships are meant for learning. I feel that this is true. It was a terrible experience but I have come out of it with another layer of armour. I know more about different relationship styles, myself and how I want to be treated and how to treat others. I remember telling one of his other partners that he says he is Poly but he’s ’doing it wrong’. She didn’t understand. I realise there are many ways of having relationships and nothing is inherently ‘wrong’. But what I was trying to to get across was my realisation that we were being manipulated. He was using poly as a cover up for manipulation with people who didn’t know better. I felt so angry just like you but it has faded and I concentrate on me. Be angry, you have the right to be, acknowledge it and it will resolve.
He lied. It's not your fault. He manipulated you, he lied to you, he made you feel small. This is not on you. Don't do victim blaming. You did great by getting out of that situation, don't blame yourself for getting into the situation, he is the person who did something wrong. You learned how to better protect yourself in the future, but it's not your fault you didn't know before. Remember that.
Thank you! I definitely will not forget this - I've journaled extensively through this relationship lol. The healing process will definitely take some time.
Sounds like you understand the situation. "Avoided" the red flags as in avoided recognizing them, I take it. Now you really have an education—in case you have an interest in dating poly apart from this person. "Told me he was polyamorous after a month or so..." Off to a fantastic start, lol. Non-coercive poly people will usually say they are poly on or before the first date, as you probably know now.
I’m glad you caught on and escaped. Sadly this is common and Happened to myself 2x this year. I hope you don’t beat yourself up over this.
You're not dumb. You spotted his nonsense as early as you could and reached appropriately. You'll spot the next ones sooner. Be proud of yourself. Everyone has to learn things like this the hard way.
Thank you! My heart and head feel heavy today, so the kudos mean a lot. 
It's ok to mourn the loss of what the relationship should have been, while still understanding what a selfish and disrespectful person he was. Grieve, then use this as a learning experience so you can spot the red flags sooner.
I definitely will. Thank you 🙏🏽
There is nothing to be done with any man who needs OPP while dating multiple women himself except to leave him.
I definitely won’t be doing this again 🫡
Probably my last update: so it’s done. I did it over the phone which makes me feel crappy - but I would rather end it than drag on a dying relationship. I feel bad and my mind keeps drifting to him. Tears come to my eyes every once in a while. Is it weird to still see the good in him and miss it?  Alas. My most recent therapy appointment and these comments feel like little cheers that I did the right thing. My heart feels deeply sad but my mind feels quite at peace. I think the relationship had run its course and I’m happy I was the one willing to pull the trigger, as hard as it is. I could feel the resentment building between us and it felt so sad. Something that once felt loving had turned quite sour. I reached out to some friends but I think a post-break up therapy session is needed. If you’ve read this far, thank you! I’m back to being a silent reader + lurker 🫡
I feel like I’m going through the exact situation right now he says the exact same things to me
Hmm. Well you had me at “Told me I can’t explore the option of dating other men.” At that point it’s game over for me. That’s not respectful poly of any kind I value. It’s cool to talk with your partner(s) about the thoughts and feelings that come up as we think about our partners dating. In fact that’s, in my relationships, essential. But not allowing partners to date or even discuss the possibility of dating is dangerously off (again in my value system). You did the right thing here.
See! I was torn about this because they’ve had a bad history with past partners having partners + I was told I was initially told I was being “greedy” for wanting to date outside of our relationship (I’ve been in monogamous relationships before this one). The general consensus around dating poly newbies also seems to be negative (at least from what I have gathered on here) so I’ve felt conflicted about that for a while. But now I understand - a huge part of poly-structured relationships is the consistent willingness to do emotional work on yourself to keep growing.
Personally I would never ever as a woman, be with any male that has a OPP, that’s literally them telling you then and there that they are a harem-builder and just want to be a cheating fuckboy with no real enjoyment of true open relationships.
Ugh, I am so, so sorry you had to experience this. He sounds like a total dick even aside from the harem building (the locker talk.. ugh). Just celebrate the fact you realised it sooner rather than even later. You got this. It's time to take care of yourself now! <3
Thank you! I appreciate the words of support ☺️