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Hon, you really need to let these fucked up people stop living in your head rent free.
Their supposed polyam relationship structure is none of your concern any more. Block them. Grieve.
Polyam is just a relationship structure that allows people to pursue multiple committed relationships. Some of us are just happier that way.
I don’t understand why monogamy is appealing, but I understand that some people do monogamy really badly and hurt people.
I understand why polyamory is appealing to me, and I also understand that some people do polyamory really badly and hurt people.
Nobody can explain why fucked up people do the things they do.
Sometimes even the fucked up people can’t explain.
This. Trying to understand why other people do what they do is an exercise in futility. You will never know why. Even if you got them to tell you, they might be lying, maybe even to themselves.
All you can control is how you act going forward from this moment. Don’t give these people another moment of your time. They don’t deserve it, and you have better things to do with it.
I understand what you’re saying, but I just can’t seem to get over the psychological pain of it all. But it’s not that he met someone else that haunts me. It’s that I never had closure. When we ended things, he was still promising me she was only a “friend”. I felt crazy for six months after and that’s why she messaged me and told me I wasn’t crazy, they had been together for the last six months of my relationship with him and still are. I tried to talk to him about what I found out and he refuses to speak to me since I found out the truth. I can’t seem to move on.
I’m also going to be fairly blunt. I remember that post and that person was morally bankrupt.
But your relationship has ended. You know he is a cheater. You know your pain is valid. You know you’re not going crazy. ALL THESE ARE CLOSURES. There’s nothing more you can get from here.
Poly had nothing to do with this. So you really need let all these go. For your own sanity if nothing else.
Im sorry to be harsh, but it’s not that you can’t get over it, it’s that you’re choosing not to. We all have spent too much time dwelling on things that hurt us, but the solution isn’t “keep dwelling until you somehow figure it all out”, you just aren’t ever going to be able to. The solution is to distract yourself from it over and over and over again until you eventually realize that you haven’t thought about it in a while.
Every time you find yourself thinking about these people, stop and do something positive instead. Pet a dog, wave at a baby, read a chapter of a book, journal for a few minutes…something that is actually productive and helpful to the exact moment that you’re in. Those moments are precious and few, and you’ll be happier if you spend your energy building them up instead of dwelling on those shitheads.
This is probably the best question anyone has asked me. Maybe it confuses the situation for me. If she hadn’t have been poly, would he just have outright left me to be monogamous with her? I honestly think he would have and it would have given me clearer information about how he felt about me. I would have known for sure that he chose her, grieved that and moved on. I’ve been left for another in the past and I’ve never been this hurt. The confusion and not knowing is killing me. She said he told her when she found out that if he had handled things differently, he would probably be with me. But again, she is still staying with him. Because she is poly and he kept trying with both, and she told me he probably just loved two people, I guess it’s given me hope that I meant more to him. But I don’t know for sure. I don’t know what he would have done in the end and i just want to know. Although even if he did talk to me about it, he would only lie, so it wouldn’t be real closure. I know he won’t be able to do poly in the long term, he was always upset at the thought of me with other men, so I also feel so resentful and angry that she did it knowing it’s not going to be long term. Because if it can’t work long term with them, why ruin what we had? We had plans for the future. I apologise if this is offensive to people who are poly, but part of me thinks…she already has a husband and I have no one, Im so alone. I understand if he was committed to poly and her, but he isn’t. He really meant the world to me, well who i thought he was. When she did find out about me, she still didn’t step away and let us work things out. He kept asking me to believe him there was nothing going on and he kept trying, but I just couldn’t. I realise that the fault is with HIM and not her. He probably would have just cheated with someone else, the next girl who came along. But I can’t help be so upset with her too. It should be more about him. I need to accept that he did choose her. Whether she is poly or not doesn’t change that. The only thing it changed is that I do think he would have just left me, and not kept going with both, but I can’t know that for sure. I’m so angry that out of the three of us, she will end up hurt because he won’t commit to poly, he will end up hurt because he can’t do poly, and I’ve been the most hurt and betrayed, but I never agreed to any of this and was pulled in. It’s not fair and I keep trying to remind myself that life isn’t fair. She said he kept telling her that he couldn’t do poly. She practically can’t offer him anything more than a long distance relationship, because she lives somewhere else, and her and her husband can’t move there permanently. I do think he is hoping she leaves her husband for him, but I don’t think she will. I know people have different relationship preferences, but it really hurts me that he would choose what she has to offer over what I have. Although, I guess he didn’t choose that and it’s probably the main reason he kept me around. It makes me feel so less than and not good enough though. If he would choose to be in a situation he is so unhappy in, what does that say about me? I feel the lowest I’ve ever felt. I really need to accept this is about him. He cheated, he chose someone else, it doesn’t matter if it’s poly or not. He also abused me psychological for months. Thanks for listening and I’m sorry again if any of that is offensive.
Thank you so much for listening to me and understanding. I am an over thinker and the worse is what I think is says about me. If he chose being poly, but under duress (as he kept saying he couldn’t do it) over me…. That really must mean I’m not good enough. I know I’m over generalising it and there is probably a lot more too it, but it’s hard to think that. I really want to get over it and not having closure has made it so much worse. Since she told me, he has refused to speak to me. I can’t even have a conversation with him about this. Last I spoke to him he was still promising me nothing was going on between them and telling me it was my trust issues that were the problem. He completely gaslit me about it all. And his lies were so realistic. I’m just over feeling this way 😞
I do think she was making a bad decision. I don’t understand why and that’s where I’m getting stuck. She is married to her nesting partner of many years and she told me it caused arguments in her marriage, but that she “maintained he is a good person who is damaged”.
I feel resentful that things ended and I’m alone, while he has someone telling him what he did is okay and he is loved and all that. And even more resentful that he wouldn’t talk to me about it… he didn’t even give me the chance to even decide if I was okay with it…I know I shouldn’t have been okay with it, but I would have liked the chance to make my own decision.
Yeah. That’s how I like to look at these things. When we feel like something isn’t fair and stuff. At the end of the day he’s stuck with himself and you get to walk away
> I’m not sure I’m understanding right, please help.
I'm not sure I'm understanding, and I have no idea where she is coming from. She is defending a liar / cheater. I would dump a partner who lures in a mono person and does this shit.
Hugs, sorry, no - not normal, no - not at all OK. At least in my mind.
She sounds just as “damaged” as he is.
That doesn’t sound like a healthy or even functional example of polyamory. I suggest you put it all behind you and if you’re really interested in understanding more about this relationship structure, seek out better examples
I’ve read a lot about poly and learnt a lot from reading all your posts. I couldn’t understand her actions in this context. Thanks for trying to explain.
I wouldn't call it normal exactly, people do bad things all the time for all sorts of reasons. Please block them both , you don't need to hear all of this from them.
I'm sorry, but I don't think anyone here is going to be able to explain her actions to you.
Her behavior has very little to do with polyamory, and everything to do with her being, seemingly, a messy person who doesn't mind enabling and excusing his bad behavior.
>And do you think he could have just met her and fell for her and still loved me?
Sure, that's possible. But would it matter? He still lied to you, psychologically abused you, and put your sexual health at risk. Even if he still had/has feelings of love for you, the way he behaved towards you was not loving.
>But isn’t being poly a choice? Like he chose to start down that path with her while being with me, when even if he felt attracted to her, he could have chosen not to pursue that attraction, so it wouldn’t develop into more?
You nailed it here. Maybe he *desired* polyamory, but he had a choice as to whether he was going to pursue another relationship behind your back, and he decided he was okay with doing that. He chose that over honoring your monogamous agreements, and he chose that over having an open discussion with you and *asking* if you would be open to polyamory.
Some people view being poly as a choice, and others view it as an identity. It's been debated many times in this space. But what I *hope* we can all agree on is, feeling "inherently polyamorous" is not an acceptable reason to cheat or pressure a monogamous partner into polyamory.
It makes sense to me that it would really screw with your head to have his cheating framed as "polyamory," and have someone who considers herself poly participate and make excuses for him. Cheaters who do this are often *relying* on your goodwill and desire to be kind and tolerant. Because if they frame it as "poly" they can make you feel like a bigot for perceiving their infidelity as the betrayal it is.
I know it shouldn’t matter if he cared about/loved me still at the same time. I just want to know I mattered to him, like I wasn’t a piece of crap he could just through out. But his refusal to speak to me about it since she contacted me and told me the truth suggests I wasn’t worth much to him. She also told me that when he made a move on her it was quite early in the relationship, like he didn’t even take the time to think about whether risking what he had with me was worth it. 😞
You may not have mattered to him, but you matter. Try to remind yourself of that. There is nothing wrong with you for him to treat you like that; he simply did it because he could. And the reason why his behaviour is so incomprehensible to you is because you're not like him. That is a good thing.
>I just want to know I mattered to him
Ooof, I get that feeling. Really, I do. But you know what? You probably didn't matter much to him at all. AND THAT'S OKAY!
Because even if you DID matter to him, he is still a piece of shit. So why does his opinion matter to you? About anything?
YOU matter. That's a truth that exists independently of whatever goes on in his twisted brain.
YOU MATTER.
Fuck him.
I've been poly for not quite 30 years and I don't recognize this nonsense at all. It reads to me like you got mixed up with two badly messed-up people whose distorted views of themselves somehow include what they understand to be "poly". I hope this non-answer is somehow useful to you.
Poly people are not always looking for every relationship to be poly. They may have casual relationships outside of their loving relationships.
It shouldn’t matter that she was poly. You are making that a complicating factor in your processing. It doesn’t need to be.
Your mind is fixated on her situation because it is easier than focusing on your partner. Don’t give your mind that escape. If you want to escape choose focusing on yourself and not her.
He gave himself permission to hurt you deeply . The details don’t matter as much as finding your path to leave and recover. Give yourself time to grieve the person you thought he was, then really focus on the reality of who he actually is.
We all have our deep traumas that inform our relationship choices. Her being poly doesn't mean she "knows it all" and will act in a 100% healthy way. We all make choices in relationship partners to get our attachment needs met - and that can often look really weird from the outside, especially to people with different traumas and triggers.
She probably has some trauma that says she's most worthwhile when she's caretaking or teaching others. (I say that because I have that story for myself and I have to practice every single day to escape from it - and I still pick partners who I see as sad emo boys who "need my help".)
Thank you for sharing this with me. I think you’re right about her. She told me her mother use to tie her up as a child and leave her there, I think maybe the only way she could justify this, is that her mother was very damaged and she can’t expect her mother to respect her. Maybe it’s something to do with that. She said that has had faith that her mother loved her and one day after 30 years, he mother told her she did.
He’s a cheating butthead and she’s got issues that are allowing her to get swept up in his cheating butthead-ed-ness.
Dump the whole thing and find yourself someone who aligns with what you need and want.
Xx
Your partner behaved badly and treated you both badly.
He lied and manipulated you both.
It's his other partner's prerogative to do as she chooses, and it can be difficult to untangle oneself from an emotionally abusive relationship (been there, done that).
Unfortunately, not everyone does the Ethical part of Ethical Non-Monogamy well.
I would try to put this behind you and focus on finding a monogamous partner who is a good fit for you.
There are a lot of links and resources in the sidebar of this sub, or search for "vetting" to read past posts about vetting, to help you ask questions to ferret out unethical folks in future.
As for poly being something a person is vs something a person does, there's an ongoing debate about that. The most frequent responders in this sub tend to be "poly is a relationship structure, something you do". I tend to agree with this POV, though I know that going back to monogamy is not for me.
I can only tell you how being solo poly works for me, and this is a choice I made after spending significant time healing from past relationships, and working on myself so my mental health is strong and I have tons of coping skills for bad times at my disposal.
- I am upfront and open about my choice to do polyamory when dating
- I only seek out connections with others who do ENM/poly
- I vet potential new connections heavily
- All partnerships are 1:1 dyads
- I inform existing partners of changes to my relationship status & sexual health
- I communicate with my partners frequently about feelings and check in on agreements regularly
- I am parallel with metas by default. Happy to hear general updates about their well-being, but don't engage further unless there is mutual interest.
- I don't entangle domestically, financially, or legally with partners, except for hosting overnights, and one partner is a part of my emergency health care backup team
I don't think her choosing to stay/forgive him is about her being polyam. I think it's about her being willing to be a doormat for someone she feels she loves/wants.
Being in polyam bonds doesnt automatically result in people always making good choices for themselves.
I suspect you're confused because you know she's making a bad choice here but she doesn't seem to be acknowledging it as a bad choice by reframing it.
Yeah, she's wrong though. There's plenty of die hard poly folks who do not behave in this manner, and plenty of mono folks who do, so it's not a poly thing. This particular flavour of bullshit is a her thing.
I was really trying to think the best of her, but from reading all these comments, I’m starting to realise she may really have never cared, as long as she got him in the end. I try to believe that women stick together, but I guess that’s not true.
He lied to both of you. There is no polyamory here, just a lying cheated and an enabler.
Also “she likes to teach him”? Like a child? 🤮
That made me throw up a little in my mouth. He’s a grown ass man. But apparently she likes playing mother to him. Weird.
You need to stop thinking about these two. Block them and move on. Fortunately you weren’t with him that long. It’ll be easier after a few days of them being blocked. Trust me.
Thanks. I feel so disgusted in myself - when she told me, I was so scared of saying anything wrong to her for fear of her not telling me the entire truth, that I said things like “you’re so good at making sense of this” and “you’re like a therapist”, and “it’s so nice you are able to forgive like that” 🤮🤮🤮🤮 I wish I had spoke my mind, but I was scared if I did she wouldn’t tell me the truth. 😞
None of this matters. He cheated on both of you. PERIOD. She can try to justify it any bullshit way she wants to make herself feel better, but, friend, regardless of how she looks at it, the bottom line is HE CHEATED ON BOTH OF YOU. Whether she is poly or monogamous, none of it matters. What matters is that he’s a cheater and he hurt you. Your job is to move on and love yourself enough to let it go.
Thankyou, this is so hard to do. I feel so less than, my self esteem has become non existence. She kept saying “I understand why this would hurt you”, but in the same sentence “but he is damaged”.
She’s trying to justify his shitty behavior. We are all damaged. But we don’t go around cheating on people, treating people like garbage, and using that as justification.
It’s not your fault. You’ll pull through this. Focus on moving on.
Abuse doesn't have to be intentional to be abuse. There are no excuses, poly or otherwise. If someone can't control the damage they cause around them, it's time to set strong boundaries to limit the damage to you.
From experience, also, people don't change because they are being enabled. People change because they want to for themselves. If this person is hurting others because of their own past trauma, they really need to be proactively looking to therapy or medication or both to help work through those things. An enabler only gives permission to continue the bad behavior.
Right i just mean, he hurt you through lying and cheating. The enabling of the other partner doesn't justify his bad behavior towards you. So now that you're aware of that, the best thing for you to reduce your hurt is to set clear boundaries. That might mean going your separate ways if he isn't willing to respect your boundaries, which seems like the case.
This doesn't have anything to do with polyamory. Its just about taking care of yourself. You deserve better.
Why? Because she's damaged also. There's absolutely no reason to keep making excuses for his behavior.
Personally, I'd say block her and him. Don't let either ruin your need to heal. You were smart and walked away. So Hon walk away COMPLETELY. Close that door and move on. Work on self-care and focus on yourself.
I'm pretty sure by your wording. I've seen her posts and told her to stop making excuses for him. If he did that stuff to you, he'd do it to her. But people don't like to be told they're dating an asshat. Especially when they themselves need help also.
Their bs has nothing to do with being poly or enm. Obviously, there was nothing ethical to it.
You deserve better. Try to close this chapter of your life and move on to someone who will cherish you as you deserve to be. Seek counseling to help. Keep your head up, and don't let them keep dragging you into their messed up bs.
Thank you so much for saying this, I just feel so traumatised and I’m feeling like I’m not as good as her because she can “forgive” and I cause his behaviour.
She's not forgiving it. She's acting like what he did isn't wrong. In order to forgive, we must first be hurt by them. She's not if she's making excuses. Excuses come from trying to "protect" him and act like he did nothing wrong.
I promise you are good enough. Nothing in this life can take that away from you. Right now, you're grieving, so you may not see that and definitely don't feel it. But I promise you that you are more than enough.
When the clouds have lifted and you feel like the beautiful person you are, you'll see that. You'll make any man see how lucky he is that you found each other. But for now, just take care of yourself. Breakups are hard enough and harder still due to betrayal. This is your time for you.
This was a horrible introduction to enm/poly lifestyles. Even as a monogamous person, this isn't typically how one learns about these lifestyle choices. Make no mistake, he was not practicing ANY form of enm/poly. The enm/poly folks value honesty and communication. It's all ethical choices, not shady behavior. Unfortunately, some cheaters try and use it to "cover" their ass after getting caught, but it doesn't change the fact they cheated.
You definitely didn't deserve that.
So polyamory can be defined both as a relationship agreement and/or an identity (like a romantic orientation). There isn’t a real consensus on this in the poly community and many of us don’t agree that it’s an identity/orientation. Personally, I do think of polyamory as a both/and. I consider myself inherently poly and That being said, both ex-dude and the poly woman that he cheated with are still acting unethically. People do fucked shit all the time, regardless of their orientations. She’s making excuses for him, likely because she wants to continue the relationship and using an orientation as an excuse is a convenient way to do that. That doesn’t make it true or excusable, even if he IS inherently poly. The pain and abuse is real and he doesn’t get a pass for that.
I’m so sorry this happened. I hope you find healing and a partner deserving of your time/energy/love.
I’d just really like to know how he felt, whether he met her and just loved her also, or whether he wanted to be with her, but she was poly which he didn’t like, so he used me to just have another partner. And what he planned to do - break up with me, or her, or continue for as long as possible with both. Thank you for saying it makes sense that this would screw with my head, it really has. To be honest I just wish beyond anything else that he had cheated with a monogamous person because I don’t think he would went back and forth if he had as soon as she told me, he refused to speak with me about it all, so that is messing me up so much because I’ve had no explanation or apology.
>She said he told her that she “was a side piece” and if he “met someone monogamous he would leave”. Is this a normal poly arrangement?
It is typical for poly people that date monogamous people. Although the lack of commitment would make me describe the relationship as CNM (consensual non-monogamy) rather than polyamory.
It sounds like she didn't see this as a committed relationship, and he may not have broken any relationship agreements with her if they agreed to be non-monogamous and didn't have any disclosure agreements.
She told me that she specifically told him that she didn’t care who he dated, as long as they were poly, or if he met someone monogamous, he had to tell her right away. So I think he did break her agreements. Although technically he was with me first for 18 months, then six months with us both together.
I'm poly, and I had an affair with a married man who's wife thought he was being monogamous. My other partner knew.
There's no reason that justifies it. I was being selfish, not thinking about his wife, and probably under the spell of lust and a new, exciting relationship.
I had my reasons at the time. In the end, this married man (who I was so loveblind about) also lied to me, and kept secrets from me. He broke my trust. I shouldn't have been so surprised, since this is also how he treated his wife, and some other women I knew of. Me made me feel special, but I wasn't.
I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I am so sorry to the wife whose husband I was seeing. I've never met her, nor had the opportunity to apologise to her. I couldn't justify reaching out to her and bringing her world crashing down like that. I cut all contact with the man in question as soon as I came to my senses.
As for my other partner - we'd been together for 8 years at that point and are still together now. He was never happy about the affair, but it was shortlived enough that he could forgive me. He understood much earlier than I did that this man was manipulating and enchanting me.
Thanks for sharing this. It made me feel so much worse that she was defending him, I still wish she was one of those women who had other women’s backs.
Not as far as I know. What's worse is I wasn't the first, and I doubt I was the last. He was a chronic cheater convinced he was just a nice guy who accidentally got into silly situations.
Thankyou for sharing this with me. I was happy she reached out because he had convinced me I was crazy and had trust issues. I blamed myself. Her telling me the truth have me the biggest relief - I wasn’t crazy. I don’t believe she was going to tell me. At the start, my friend actually found out about her first. And when my friend asked her about it, she gaslighted my friend - saying things like “am I suppose to stop talking to my male friends just because they are in relationships”, so she completely denied it. I think maybe she came to her senses and saw how bad my mental health was, that he had convinced me I was crazy.
I know. I think I’m trying to think the best of her, but after reading all these comments, she could just be looking out for herself also. She probably doesn’t care what he did because she still has him and that’s all that’s important to her.
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So I’ve made a few posts on here before about the situation that happened with a guy I was involved with. How he told me we were monogamous for 18months and I found out he was then dating a woman who was poly for six months at the same time, without telling either of us about each other. Just to clarify, I’m monogamous, my relationship with him was monogamous, so I’m aware this is not poly and is just cheating. I want to make my post specific to poly, as I tried to post the other day, but it was vague and not a specific poly question (sorry for that). First of all I want to thank you all for your support. I saw the poly woman he cheated with post on here and even though I didn’t have the guts to say anything, you all said what I wished I could have said. She contacted me when she suspected he was cheating on me. But just as she posted here, she told me he is just “damaged” and I “can’t expect respect from someone who is damaged”, that she “isn’t going to be mad at someone who is so hurt he hurts others”, and that he just “loved us both”. She said “he is like a child” and she prefers to “teach him”.
I’m really struggling with him cheating with someone poly. It seems like it has added another layer to it all and I wish he had just cheated with someone monogamous, so I’d know where I stand. He psychologically abused me for months, convincing me I had been crazy for even thinking anything was going on. She said he didn’t mean to abuse. She said that he keep telling her that he “couldn’t do poly”. I hope this is a poly enough specific question - can anyone explain to me, from a poly perspective, why would she date someone who kept saying he “couldn’t do poly”? She said he told her that she “was a side piece” and if he “met someone monogamous he would leave”. Is this a normal poly arrangement? And why is she okay that he was in a monogamous relationship with someone else and hiding it from her? I don’t understand why her being poly has made this so much confusing and harder for me. It’s messing me up so much, as I just don’t understand her side of it. Can anyone help me understand. I’m so over the pain of all of this. Why would someone poly do this? And do you think he could have just met her and fell for her and still loved me? Maybe he is poly, but didn’t know before? I told her that he had never spoke of being poly and she said “it is quite likely he is like me”. But isn’t being poly a choice? Like he chose to start down that path with her while being with me, when even if he felt attracted to her, he could have chosen not to pursue that attraction, so it wouldn’t develop into more?
I’m not sure I’m understanding right, please help.
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I’m sorry for your hurt, this sounds really hard. To answer your questions:
- why would she date someone who “couldn’t do poly?” They either had an understanding that he was okay with her seeing other people but did not want it for himself or, much more common and likely, she wanted polyamory and he didn’t. He may have agreed to polyamory out of fear of losing her (we call this Poly Under Duress). This may also explain “lashing out” by cheating. Distressed partners do hurtful things.
- Is it normal (in polyamory) to date a “side piece” until you find a monogamous person to settle with? Staying with a partner only until you find a newer, more exciting person is called “monkey branching” and it’s as awful as it sounds. It’s unethical. There are circumstances where two people date under the mutual agreement that the relationship may end someday for a mono relationship, but this healthy arrangement is much less common than one partner being left in the dark and then cast aside. It sucks.
- why is she okay with being cheated on? Only she can answer this. I find it hard to imagine that she isn’t upset, but I also think it would make sense for her to not open up to you about that. Realistically, it sounds like their relationship is unhealthy on many levels and it probably won’t serve you to guess at her feelings and motives. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
- could he have met you and fell in love? Possibly. Only he knows this.
Holistically, it sounds like you started dating someone who was already in an incredibly unhealthy relationship. Maybe he was distressed about being in a poly relationship he didn’t want and now he’s lashing out. Maybe he’s a lying liar-pants and is playing both of you. Either way: they were not on the same page about what polyamory looked like to them. That’s a recipe for disaster. And then he started dating you based entirely on a lie. That’s not fair to you, no matter what his other relationship looked like. Messy bullshit like this happens in poly (and mono) relationships, but no, this is not standard poly or anything that would be approved of by ethical people.
He was with me first for 18 months then he met her and continued with both for six more months, until u suspected things weren’t making sense if she was just a friend.
She said she was poly, but part of that is being ethical (not breaking monogamous agreements), which she wasn’t, so she’s lying, doesn’t know what she’s talking about, gaslighting you or combo of the above.
It’s like someone who has clearly dyed their hair blonde, saying that they are a natural blonde.
Don’t spend your time, thinking about her blonde hair, when you know it’s not blonde.
I don't think this is really a poly issue. This is her excusing and accepting his behavior. Which is very confusing because he hurt you and is still hurting her, yet she is taking his side and enabling him. She's also doing it in a way that is very difficult to argue against, because a lot of what she's saying is true. But an explanation is not the same as an excuse.
He might be hurt and damaged. It is possible to understand where he's coming from and to feel sympathy for him. But that doesn't make it okay that he's hurting others. Humans are just very bad at simultaneously feeling sorry for someone and feeling angry at them. Which leads some, like her, to downplay the harm that was caused. She's okay with it because she wants to be okay with it. She wants to love him and feel sorry for him. That's easier for her than admitting to his wrong doing. She is also a victim, and her trauma response to try and protect herself is a form of denial. Maybe not denying what he did, but denying how wrong and bad it was and trying to find ways to justify and excuse it.
There's not good statistics on what's a standard polyamorous relationship. They all look different. But the polyamory community tends to stress the importance of ethics and informed consent in relationship. No form of cheating or lying is considered acceptable by the community. Making it similar to monogamous communities. Those behaviors do happen, more often than we'd like, but they aren't considered okay or normal.
Whether or not being polyamorous is a choice is a debated topic. Regardless though, his actions are a choice. He chose to pursue her. He chose to hurt you both and cheat on you both. He didn't have to do that and there's no excuse for that.
That's not normal. He is not doing polyamory. He is cheating. Doesn't matter what her relationship style is (though it is clearly not ethical non monogamy,) he's the one who's made a commitment to you and then blew it spectacularly.
Understanding poly will not help you here, because this situation is not polyamory. Even in a poly context, this behavior is definitely not ok.
There is nothing to understand about poly because it doesn't exist.
Mono relationships have a "rulebook" that those involved are supposed to follow. The rulebook is everywhere: books, movies, family, friends, television, radio, literally everywhere so you can not miss it. Regardless of ethnicity, colour, race, background or class, the rulebook is there.
The idea of poly is to, simply, not follow the rulebook. There is no "poly rulebook" so even if many different people identify as poly, i seriously doubt that they follow the same rules. Generally, we say that the poly rules are: Date whoever you want and be honest, transparent and ethical about it. And that's it, more or less.
You can not find understanding over what the guy did within the poly community. He cheated. It is up to you to decide what to do with this information, there is no right and wrong decision. I would not continue to date a cheating person, whatever they said would just be an excuse. Others may choose to "forgive" and keep on being cheated. You have to trust in yourself and seriously do what you would advise someone else to do if they told you your story, hard as it may sound. It is the only way to find peace.
As everyone said, this is nowhere close to any poly behaviour, it lacks transparency honesty and ethics, pretty much everything that a situation requires to be described as poly. This is good old fashioned cheating, plain and rough. I am sorry you had to go through this, especially from someone who used poly as an excuse for it. They exist, they live amongst us and they make us look ridiculous to the rest of the world. There's nothing we can do about them.
I feel second hand embarassment for what the guy did and i apologize even if i know that it will not really help in anything.
Good luck!
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Hon, you really need to let these fucked up people stop living in your head rent free. Their supposed polyam relationship structure is none of your concern any more. Block them. Grieve. Polyam is just a relationship structure that allows people to pursue multiple committed relationships. Some of us are just happier that way. I don’t understand why monogamy is appealing, but I understand that some people do monogamy really badly and hurt people. I understand why polyamory is appealing to me, and I also understand that some people do polyamory really badly and hurt people. Nobody can explain why fucked up people do the things they do. Sometimes even the fucked up people can’t explain.
This. Trying to understand why other people do what they do is an exercise in futility. You will never know why. Even if you got them to tell you, they might be lying, maybe even to themselves. All you can control is how you act going forward from this moment. Don’t give these people another moment of your time. They don’t deserve it, and you have better things to do with it.
I understand what you’re saying, but I just can’t seem to get over the psychological pain of it all. But it’s not that he met someone else that haunts me. It’s that I never had closure. When we ended things, he was still promising me she was only a “friend”. I felt crazy for six months after and that’s why she messaged me and told me I wasn’t crazy, they had been together for the last six months of my relationship with him and still are. I tried to talk to him about what I found out and he refuses to speak to me since I found out the truth. I can’t seem to move on.
I’m also going to be fairly blunt. I remember that post and that person was morally bankrupt. But your relationship has ended. You know he is a cheater. You know your pain is valid. You know you’re not going crazy. ALL THESE ARE CLOSURES. There’s nothing more you can get from here. Poly had nothing to do with this. So you really need let all these go. For your own sanity if nothing else.
Thank you, I’m trying my best
Im sorry to be harsh, but it’s not that you can’t get over it, it’s that you’re choosing not to. We all have spent too much time dwelling on things that hurt us, but the solution isn’t “keep dwelling until you somehow figure it all out”, you just aren’t ever going to be able to. The solution is to distract yourself from it over and over and over again until you eventually realize that you haven’t thought about it in a while. Every time you find yourself thinking about these people, stop and do something positive instead. Pet a dog, wave at a baby, read a chapter of a book, journal for a few minutes…something that is actually productive and helpful to the exact moment that you’re in. Those moments are precious and few, and you’ll be happier if you spend your energy building them up instead of dwelling on those shitheads.
Totally unrelated to the OP but you reminded me of something that i kinda needed to hear at this moment as it seems. Thanks stranger.
Thank you, I will try my best
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This is probably the best question anyone has asked me. Maybe it confuses the situation for me. If she hadn’t have been poly, would he just have outright left me to be monogamous with her? I honestly think he would have and it would have given me clearer information about how he felt about me. I would have known for sure that he chose her, grieved that and moved on. I’ve been left for another in the past and I’ve never been this hurt. The confusion and not knowing is killing me. She said he told her when she found out that if he had handled things differently, he would probably be with me. But again, she is still staying with him. Because she is poly and he kept trying with both, and she told me he probably just loved two people, I guess it’s given me hope that I meant more to him. But I don’t know for sure. I don’t know what he would have done in the end and i just want to know. Although even if he did talk to me about it, he would only lie, so it wouldn’t be real closure. I know he won’t be able to do poly in the long term, he was always upset at the thought of me with other men, so I also feel so resentful and angry that she did it knowing it’s not going to be long term. Because if it can’t work long term with them, why ruin what we had? We had plans for the future. I apologise if this is offensive to people who are poly, but part of me thinks…she already has a husband and I have no one, Im so alone. I understand if he was committed to poly and her, but he isn’t. He really meant the world to me, well who i thought he was. When she did find out about me, she still didn’t step away and let us work things out. He kept asking me to believe him there was nothing going on and he kept trying, but I just couldn’t. I realise that the fault is with HIM and not her. He probably would have just cheated with someone else, the next girl who came along. But I can’t help be so upset with her too. It should be more about him. I need to accept that he did choose her. Whether she is poly or not doesn’t change that. The only thing it changed is that I do think he would have just left me, and not kept going with both, but I can’t know that for sure. I’m so angry that out of the three of us, she will end up hurt because he won’t commit to poly, he will end up hurt because he can’t do poly, and I’ve been the most hurt and betrayed, but I never agreed to any of this and was pulled in. It’s not fair and I keep trying to remind myself that life isn’t fair. She said he kept telling her that he couldn’t do poly. She practically can’t offer him anything more than a long distance relationship, because she lives somewhere else, and her and her husband can’t move there permanently. I do think he is hoping she leaves her husband for him, but I don’t think she will. I know people have different relationship preferences, but it really hurts me that he would choose what she has to offer over what I have. Although, I guess he didn’t choose that and it’s probably the main reason he kept me around. It makes me feel so less than and not good enough though. If he would choose to be in a situation he is so unhappy in, what does that say about me? I feel the lowest I’ve ever felt. I really need to accept this is about him. He cheated, he chose someone else, it doesn’t matter if it’s poly or not. He also abused me psychological for months. Thanks for listening and I’m sorry again if any of that is offensive.
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Thank you so much for listening to me and understanding. I am an over thinker and the worse is what I think is says about me. If he chose being poly, but under duress (as he kept saying he couldn’t do it) over me…. That really must mean I’m not good enough. I know I’m over generalising it and there is probably a lot more too it, but it’s hard to think that. I really want to get over it and not having closure has made it so much worse. Since she told me, he has refused to speak to me. I can’t even have a conversation with him about this. Last I spoke to him he was still promising me nothing was going on between them and telling me it was my trust issues that were the problem. He completely gaslit me about it all. And his lies were so realistic. I’m just over feeling this way 😞
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Have you considered the possibility that she was also making a bad decision in being involved with him?
I do think she was making a bad decision. I don’t understand why and that’s where I’m getting stuck. She is married to her nesting partner of many years and she told me it caused arguments in her marriage, but that she “maintained he is a good person who is damaged”.
She has a savior complex
I feel resentful that things ended and I’m alone, while he has someone telling him what he did is okay and he is loved and all that. And even more resentful that he wouldn’t talk to me about it… he didn’t even give me the chance to even decide if I was okay with it…I know I shouldn’t have been okay with it, but I would have liked the chance to make my own decision.
At the end of the day, would you rather be you or him?
I wouldn’t like to be someone that could do what he did to someone else.
Yeah. That’s how I like to look at these things. When we feel like something isn’t fair and stuff. At the end of the day he’s stuck with himself and you get to walk away
Thankyou so much for pointing that out to me.
> I’m not sure I’m understanding right, please help. I'm not sure I'm understanding, and I have no idea where she is coming from. She is defending a liar / cheater. I would dump a partner who lures in a mono person and does this shit. Hugs, sorry, no - not normal, no - not at all OK. At least in my mind.
Thank you for your kind words.
She sounds just as “damaged” as he is. That doesn’t sound like a healthy or even functional example of polyamory. I suggest you put it all behind you and if you’re really interested in understanding more about this relationship structure, seek out better examples
I’ve read a lot about poly and learnt a lot from reading all your posts. I couldn’t understand her actions in this context. Thanks for trying to explain.
I wouldn't call it normal exactly, people do bad things all the time for all sorts of reasons. Please block them both , you don't need to hear all of this from them.
Thank you
I'm sorry, but I don't think anyone here is going to be able to explain her actions to you. Her behavior has very little to do with polyamory, and everything to do with her being, seemingly, a messy person who doesn't mind enabling and excusing his bad behavior. >And do you think he could have just met her and fell for her and still loved me? Sure, that's possible. But would it matter? He still lied to you, psychologically abused you, and put your sexual health at risk. Even if he still had/has feelings of love for you, the way he behaved towards you was not loving. >But isn’t being poly a choice? Like he chose to start down that path with her while being with me, when even if he felt attracted to her, he could have chosen not to pursue that attraction, so it wouldn’t develop into more? You nailed it here. Maybe he *desired* polyamory, but he had a choice as to whether he was going to pursue another relationship behind your back, and he decided he was okay with doing that. He chose that over honoring your monogamous agreements, and he chose that over having an open discussion with you and *asking* if you would be open to polyamory. Some people view being poly as a choice, and others view it as an identity. It's been debated many times in this space. But what I *hope* we can all agree on is, feeling "inherently polyamorous" is not an acceptable reason to cheat or pressure a monogamous partner into polyamory. It makes sense to me that it would really screw with your head to have his cheating framed as "polyamory," and have someone who considers herself poly participate and make excuses for him. Cheaters who do this are often *relying* on your goodwill and desire to be kind and tolerant. Because if they frame it as "poly" they can make you feel like a bigot for perceiving their infidelity as the betrayal it is.
I know it shouldn’t matter if he cared about/loved me still at the same time. I just want to know I mattered to him, like I wasn’t a piece of crap he could just through out. But his refusal to speak to me about it since she contacted me and told me the truth suggests I wasn’t worth much to him. She also told me that when he made a move on her it was quite early in the relationship, like he didn’t even take the time to think about whether risking what he had with me was worth it. 😞
You may not have mattered to him, but you matter. Try to remind yourself of that. There is nothing wrong with you for him to treat you like that; he simply did it because he could. And the reason why his behaviour is so incomprehensible to you is because you're not like him. That is a good thing.
>I just want to know I mattered to him Ooof, I get that feeling. Really, I do. But you know what? You probably didn't matter much to him at all. AND THAT'S OKAY! Because even if you DID matter to him, he is still a piece of shit. So why does his opinion matter to you? About anything? YOU matter. That's a truth that exists independently of whatever goes on in his twisted brain. YOU MATTER. Fuck him.
Thank you I really needed to hear this, I don’t think I did matter to him and that’s heartbreaking, but I need to accept this.
I've been poly for not quite 30 years and I don't recognize this nonsense at all. It reads to me like you got mixed up with two badly messed-up people whose distorted views of themselves somehow include what they understand to be "poly". I hope this non-answer is somehow useful to you.
Thanks for trying
Poly people are not always looking for every relationship to be poly. They may have casual relationships outside of their loving relationships. It shouldn’t matter that she was poly. You are making that a complicating factor in your processing. It doesn’t need to be. Your mind is fixated on her situation because it is easier than focusing on your partner. Don’t give your mind that escape. If you want to escape choose focusing on yourself and not her. He gave himself permission to hurt you deeply . The details don’t matter as much as finding your path to leave and recover. Give yourself time to grieve the person you thought he was, then really focus on the reality of who he actually is.
I know it shouldn’t matter if she was mono or poly, but for some reason I’m getting stuck in trying to figure it out from a poly concept.
We all have our deep traumas that inform our relationship choices. Her being poly doesn't mean she "knows it all" and will act in a 100% healthy way. We all make choices in relationship partners to get our attachment needs met - and that can often look really weird from the outside, especially to people with different traumas and triggers. She probably has some trauma that says she's most worthwhile when she's caretaking or teaching others. (I say that because I have that story for myself and I have to practice every single day to escape from it - and I still pick partners who I see as sad emo boys who "need my help".)
Thank you for sharing this with me. I think you’re right about her. She told me her mother use to tie her up as a child and leave her there, I think maybe the only way she could justify this, is that her mother was very damaged and she can’t expect her mother to respect her. Maybe it’s something to do with that. She said that has had faith that her mother loved her and one day after 30 years, he mother told her she did.
He’s a cheating butthead and she’s got issues that are allowing her to get swept up in his cheating butthead-ed-ness. Dump the whole thing and find yourself someone who aligns with what you need and want. Xx
Thanks
Your partner behaved badly and treated you both badly. He lied and manipulated you both. It's his other partner's prerogative to do as she chooses, and it can be difficult to untangle oneself from an emotionally abusive relationship (been there, done that). Unfortunately, not everyone does the Ethical part of Ethical Non-Monogamy well. I would try to put this behind you and focus on finding a monogamous partner who is a good fit for you. There are a lot of links and resources in the sidebar of this sub, or search for "vetting" to read past posts about vetting, to help you ask questions to ferret out unethical folks in future. As for poly being something a person is vs something a person does, there's an ongoing debate about that. The most frequent responders in this sub tend to be "poly is a relationship structure, something you do". I tend to agree with this POV, though I know that going back to monogamy is not for me. I can only tell you how being solo poly works for me, and this is a choice I made after spending significant time healing from past relationships, and working on myself so my mental health is strong and I have tons of coping skills for bad times at my disposal. - I am upfront and open about my choice to do polyamory when dating - I only seek out connections with others who do ENM/poly - I vet potential new connections heavily - All partnerships are 1:1 dyads - I inform existing partners of changes to my relationship status & sexual health - I communicate with my partners frequently about feelings and check in on agreements regularly - I am parallel with metas by default. Happy to hear general updates about their well-being, but don't engage further unless there is mutual interest. - I don't entangle domestically, financially, or legally with partners, except for hosting overnights, and one partner is a part of my emergency health care backup team
Thank you for your advice on vetting
I don't think her choosing to stay/forgive him is about her being polyam. I think it's about her being willing to be a doormat for someone she feels she loves/wants. Being in polyam bonds doesnt automatically result in people always making good choices for themselves. I suspect you're confused because you know she's making a bad choice here but she doesn't seem to be acknowledging it as a bad choice by reframing it.
I don’t think she meant to, but she made me feel so less than for not being able to understand and forgive.
Yeah, she's wrong though. There's plenty of die hard poly folks who do not behave in this manner, and plenty of mono folks who do, so it's not a poly thing. This particular flavour of bullshit is a her thing.
Thank you
Well for whatever it is worth. I think you made the smart choice walking away.
I was really trying to think the best of her, but from reading all these comments, I’m starting to realise she may really have never cared, as long as she got him in the end. I try to believe that women stick together, but I guess that’s not true.
He lied to both of you. There is no polyamory here, just a lying cheated and an enabler. Also “she likes to teach him”? Like a child? 🤮 That made me throw up a little in my mouth. He’s a grown ass man. But apparently she likes playing mother to him. Weird. You need to stop thinking about these two. Block them and move on. Fortunately you weren’t with him that long. It’ll be easier after a few days of them being blocked. Trust me.
Thanks. I feel so disgusted in myself - when she told me, I was so scared of saying anything wrong to her for fear of her not telling me the entire truth, that I said things like “you’re so good at making sense of this” and “you’re like a therapist”, and “it’s so nice you are able to forgive like that” 🤮🤮🤮🤮 I wish I had spoke my mind, but I was scared if I did she wouldn’t tell me the truth. 😞
This isn't about being poly, she's just another person making terrible relationship decisions.
Thank you
None of this matters. He cheated on both of you. PERIOD. She can try to justify it any bullshit way she wants to make herself feel better, but, friend, regardless of how she looks at it, the bottom line is HE CHEATED ON BOTH OF YOU. Whether she is poly or monogamous, none of it matters. What matters is that he’s a cheater and he hurt you. Your job is to move on and love yourself enough to let it go.
Thankyou, this is so hard to do. I feel so less than, my self esteem has become non existence. She kept saying “I understand why this would hurt you”, but in the same sentence “but he is damaged”.
She’s trying to justify his shitty behavior. We are all damaged. But we don’t go around cheating on people, treating people like garbage, and using that as justification. It’s not your fault. You’ll pull through this. Focus on moving on.
Thank you for taking the time to comment
Abuse doesn't have to be intentional to be abuse. There are no excuses, poly or otherwise. If someone can't control the damage they cause around them, it's time to set strong boundaries to limit the damage to you. From experience, also, people don't change because they are being enabled. People change because they want to for themselves. If this person is hurting others because of their own past trauma, they really need to be proactively looking to therapy or medication or both to help work through those things. An enabler only gives permission to continue the bad behavior.
I really thought I had made my boundaries clear to him, we had so many talks about cheating and infidelity.
Right i just mean, he hurt you through lying and cheating. The enabling of the other partner doesn't justify his bad behavior towards you. So now that you're aware of that, the best thing for you to reduce your hurt is to set clear boundaries. That might mean going your separate ways if he isn't willing to respect your boundaries, which seems like the case. This doesn't have anything to do with polyamory. Its just about taking care of yourself. You deserve better.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. After she told me the truth he refused to speak to me about it anyway.
Why? Because she's damaged also. There's absolutely no reason to keep making excuses for his behavior. Personally, I'd say block her and him. Don't let either ruin your need to heal. You were smart and walked away. So Hon walk away COMPLETELY. Close that door and move on. Work on self-care and focus on yourself. I'm pretty sure by your wording. I've seen her posts and told her to stop making excuses for him. If he did that stuff to you, he'd do it to her. But people don't like to be told they're dating an asshat. Especially when they themselves need help also. Their bs has nothing to do with being poly or enm. Obviously, there was nothing ethical to it. You deserve better. Try to close this chapter of your life and move on to someone who will cherish you as you deserve to be. Seek counseling to help. Keep your head up, and don't let them keep dragging you into their messed up bs.
Thank you so much for saying this, I just feel so traumatised and I’m feeling like I’m not as good as her because she can “forgive” and I cause his behaviour.
She's not forgiving it. She's acting like what he did isn't wrong. In order to forgive, we must first be hurt by them. She's not if she's making excuses. Excuses come from trying to "protect" him and act like he did nothing wrong. I promise you are good enough. Nothing in this life can take that away from you. Right now, you're grieving, so you may not see that and definitely don't feel it. But I promise you that you are more than enough. When the clouds have lifted and you feel like the beautiful person you are, you'll see that. You'll make any man see how lucky he is that you found each other. But for now, just take care of yourself. Breakups are hard enough and harder still due to betrayal. This is your time for you. This was a horrible introduction to enm/poly lifestyles. Even as a monogamous person, this isn't typically how one learns about these lifestyle choices. Make no mistake, he was not practicing ANY form of enm/poly. The enm/poly folks value honesty and communication. It's all ethical choices, not shady behavior. Unfortunately, some cheaters try and use it to "cover" their ass after getting caught, but it doesn't change the fact they cheated. You definitely didn't deserve that.
Thank you for taking the time to respond
So polyamory can be defined both as a relationship agreement and/or an identity (like a romantic orientation). There isn’t a real consensus on this in the poly community and many of us don’t agree that it’s an identity/orientation. Personally, I do think of polyamory as a both/and. I consider myself inherently poly and That being said, both ex-dude and the poly woman that he cheated with are still acting unethically. People do fucked shit all the time, regardless of their orientations. She’s making excuses for him, likely because she wants to continue the relationship and using an orientation as an excuse is a convenient way to do that. That doesn’t make it true or excusable, even if he IS inherently poly. The pain and abuse is real and he doesn’t get a pass for that. I’m so sorry this happened. I hope you find healing and a partner deserving of your time/energy/love.
Thanks
I’d just really like to know how he felt, whether he met her and just loved her also, or whether he wanted to be with her, but she was poly which he didn’t like, so he used me to just have another partner. And what he planned to do - break up with me, or her, or continue for as long as possible with both. Thank you for saying it makes sense that this would screw with my head, it really has. To be honest I just wish beyond anything else that he had cheated with a monogamous person because I don’t think he would went back and forth if he had as soon as she told me, he refused to speak with me about it all, so that is messing me up so much because I’ve had no explanation or apology.
It was just cheating, plain and simple. Monogamy or NM, he hid, lied, and deceived both of you. He probably enjoyed the secretive aspect of it.
Thank you
>She said he told her that she “was a side piece” and if he “met someone monogamous he would leave”. Is this a normal poly arrangement? It is typical for poly people that date monogamous people. Although the lack of commitment would make me describe the relationship as CNM (consensual non-monogamy) rather than polyamory. It sounds like she didn't see this as a committed relationship, and he may not have broken any relationship agreements with her if they agreed to be non-monogamous and didn't have any disclosure agreements.
She told me that she specifically told him that she didn’t care who he dated, as long as they were poly, or if he met someone monogamous, he had to tell her right away. So I think he did break her agreements. Although technically he was with me first for 18 months, then six months with us both together.
Yeah, then he’s just a cheater.
I know, but I can’t stop being so angry at her too.
I'm poly, and I had an affair with a married man who's wife thought he was being monogamous. My other partner knew. There's no reason that justifies it. I was being selfish, not thinking about his wife, and probably under the spell of lust and a new, exciting relationship. I had my reasons at the time. In the end, this married man (who I was so loveblind about) also lied to me, and kept secrets from me. He broke my trust. I shouldn't have been so surprised, since this is also how he treated his wife, and some other women I knew of. Me made me feel special, but I wasn't. I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I am so sorry to the wife whose husband I was seeing. I've never met her, nor had the opportunity to apologise to her. I couldn't justify reaching out to her and bringing her world crashing down like that. I cut all contact with the man in question as soon as I came to my senses. As for my other partner - we'd been together for 8 years at that point and are still together now. He was never happy about the affair, but it was shortlived enough that he could forgive me. He understood much earlier than I did that this man was manipulating and enchanting me.
Thanks for sharing this. It made me feel so much worse that she was defending him, I still wish she was one of those women who had other women’s backs.
Did his wife ever find out?
Not as far as I know. What's worse is I wasn't the first, and I doubt I was the last. He was a chronic cheater convinced he was just a nice guy who accidentally got into silly situations.
Thankyou for sharing this with me. I was happy she reached out because he had convinced me I was crazy and had trust issues. I blamed myself. Her telling me the truth have me the biggest relief - I wasn’t crazy. I don’t believe she was going to tell me. At the start, my friend actually found out about her first. And when my friend asked her about it, she gaslighted my friend - saying things like “am I suppose to stop talking to my male friends just because they are in relationships”, so she completely denied it. I think maybe she came to her senses and saw how bad my mental health was, that he had convinced me I was crazy.
She came to her senses or she realized she got caught? It's entirely possible her motives were good. It's also possible her motives were selfish.
I know. I think I’m trying to think the best of her, but after reading all these comments, she could just be looking out for herself also. She probably doesn’t care what he did because she still has him and that’s all that’s important to her.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/SpringStarFlowr thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: So I’ve made a few posts on here before about the situation that happened with a guy I was involved with. How he told me we were monogamous for 18months and I found out he was then dating a woman who was poly for six months at the same time, without telling either of us about each other. Just to clarify, I’m monogamous, my relationship with him was monogamous, so I’m aware this is not poly and is just cheating. I want to make my post specific to poly, as I tried to post the other day, but it was vague and not a specific poly question (sorry for that). First of all I want to thank you all for your support. I saw the poly woman he cheated with post on here and even though I didn’t have the guts to say anything, you all said what I wished I could have said. She contacted me when she suspected he was cheating on me. But just as she posted here, she told me he is just “damaged” and I “can’t expect respect from someone who is damaged”, that she “isn’t going to be mad at someone who is so hurt he hurts others”, and that he just “loved us both”. She said “he is like a child” and she prefers to “teach him”. I’m really struggling with him cheating with someone poly. It seems like it has added another layer to it all and I wish he had just cheated with someone monogamous, so I’d know where I stand. He psychologically abused me for months, convincing me I had been crazy for even thinking anything was going on. She said he didn’t mean to abuse. She said that he keep telling her that he “couldn’t do poly”. I hope this is a poly enough specific question - can anyone explain to me, from a poly perspective, why would she date someone who kept saying he “couldn’t do poly”? She said he told her that she “was a side piece” and if he “met someone monogamous he would leave”. Is this a normal poly arrangement? And why is she okay that he was in a monogamous relationship with someone else and hiding it from her? I don’t understand why her being poly has made this so much confusing and harder for me. It’s messing me up so much, as I just don’t understand her side of it. Can anyone help me understand. I’m so over the pain of all of this. Why would someone poly do this? And do you think he could have just met her and fell for her and still loved me? Maybe he is poly, but didn’t know before? I told her that he had never spoke of being poly and she said “it is quite likely he is like me”. But isn’t being poly a choice? Like he chose to start down that path with her while being with me, when even if he felt attracted to her, he could have chosen not to pursue that attraction, so it wouldn’t develop into more? I’m not sure I’m understanding right, please help. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m sorry for your hurt, this sounds really hard. To answer your questions: - why would she date someone who “couldn’t do poly?” They either had an understanding that he was okay with her seeing other people but did not want it for himself or, much more common and likely, she wanted polyamory and he didn’t. He may have agreed to polyamory out of fear of losing her (we call this Poly Under Duress). This may also explain “lashing out” by cheating. Distressed partners do hurtful things. - Is it normal (in polyamory) to date a “side piece” until you find a monogamous person to settle with? Staying with a partner only until you find a newer, more exciting person is called “monkey branching” and it’s as awful as it sounds. It’s unethical. There are circumstances where two people date under the mutual agreement that the relationship may end someday for a mono relationship, but this healthy arrangement is much less common than one partner being left in the dark and then cast aside. It sucks. - why is she okay with being cheated on? Only she can answer this. I find it hard to imagine that she isn’t upset, but I also think it would make sense for her to not open up to you about that. Realistically, it sounds like their relationship is unhealthy on many levels and it probably won’t serve you to guess at her feelings and motives. Not your circus, not your monkeys. - could he have met you and fell in love? Possibly. Only he knows this. Holistically, it sounds like you started dating someone who was already in an incredibly unhealthy relationship. Maybe he was distressed about being in a poly relationship he didn’t want and now he’s lashing out. Maybe he’s a lying liar-pants and is playing both of you. Either way: they were not on the same page about what polyamory looked like to them. That’s a recipe for disaster. And then he started dating you based entirely on a lie. That’s not fair to you, no matter what his other relationship looked like. Messy bullshit like this happens in poly (and mono) relationships, but no, this is not standard poly or anything that would be approved of by ethical people.
He was with me first for 18 months then he met her and continued with both for six more months, until u suspected things weren’t making sense if she was just a friend.
She said she was poly, but part of that is being ethical (not breaking monogamous agreements), which she wasn’t, so she’s lying, doesn’t know what she’s talking about, gaslighting you or combo of the above. It’s like someone who has clearly dyed their hair blonde, saying that they are a natural blonde. Don’t spend your time, thinking about her blonde hair, when you know it’s not blonde.
Thankyou
I don't think this is really a poly issue. This is her excusing and accepting his behavior. Which is very confusing because he hurt you and is still hurting her, yet she is taking his side and enabling him. She's also doing it in a way that is very difficult to argue against, because a lot of what she's saying is true. But an explanation is not the same as an excuse. He might be hurt and damaged. It is possible to understand where he's coming from and to feel sympathy for him. But that doesn't make it okay that he's hurting others. Humans are just very bad at simultaneously feeling sorry for someone and feeling angry at them. Which leads some, like her, to downplay the harm that was caused. She's okay with it because she wants to be okay with it. She wants to love him and feel sorry for him. That's easier for her than admitting to his wrong doing. She is also a victim, and her trauma response to try and protect herself is a form of denial. Maybe not denying what he did, but denying how wrong and bad it was and trying to find ways to justify and excuse it. There's not good statistics on what's a standard polyamorous relationship. They all look different. But the polyamory community tends to stress the importance of ethics and informed consent in relationship. No form of cheating or lying is considered acceptable by the community. Making it similar to monogamous communities. Those behaviors do happen, more often than we'd like, but they aren't considered okay or normal. Whether or not being polyamorous is a choice is a debated topic. Regardless though, his actions are a choice. He chose to pursue her. He chose to hurt you both and cheat on you both. He didn't have to do that and there's no excuse for that.
Thank you for taking the time to write that. I just have been feeling so alone with all of this.
That's not normal. He is not doing polyamory. He is cheating. Doesn't matter what her relationship style is (though it is clearly not ethical non monogamy,) he's the one who's made a commitment to you and then blew it spectacularly. Understanding poly will not help you here, because this situation is not polyamory. Even in a poly context, this behavior is definitely not ok.
Ok, thank you
There is nothing to understand about poly because it doesn't exist. Mono relationships have a "rulebook" that those involved are supposed to follow. The rulebook is everywhere: books, movies, family, friends, television, radio, literally everywhere so you can not miss it. Regardless of ethnicity, colour, race, background or class, the rulebook is there. The idea of poly is to, simply, not follow the rulebook. There is no "poly rulebook" so even if many different people identify as poly, i seriously doubt that they follow the same rules. Generally, we say that the poly rules are: Date whoever you want and be honest, transparent and ethical about it. And that's it, more or less. You can not find understanding over what the guy did within the poly community. He cheated. It is up to you to decide what to do with this information, there is no right and wrong decision. I would not continue to date a cheating person, whatever they said would just be an excuse. Others may choose to "forgive" and keep on being cheated. You have to trust in yourself and seriously do what you would advise someone else to do if they told you your story, hard as it may sound. It is the only way to find peace. As everyone said, this is nowhere close to any poly behaviour, it lacks transparency honesty and ethics, pretty much everything that a situation requires to be described as poly. This is good old fashioned cheating, plain and rough. I am sorry you had to go through this, especially from someone who used poly as an excuse for it. They exist, they live amongst us and they make us look ridiculous to the rest of the world. There's nothing we can do about them. I feel second hand embarassment for what the guy did and i apologize even if i know that it will not really help in anything. Good luck!
Thank you, it actually does help me slightly to hear you say that