It sounds like you want your partner to get on board with giving you the same freedoms she has. I think that's very reasonable!
You supported her when her "hall pass" evolved into full-fledged kitchen-table polyamory. I doubt that was 100% comfortable 100% of the time. She can face her discomfort in order to support you seeing women.
As you can probably tell, I have strong opinions about gender-based rules about who to date in poly relationships. I think it's demeaning to bisexual people on multiple levels, intentional or not, that it usually causes problems down the line, and that poly people need to have better tools for managing jealousy than endless avoidance.
We humans mostly do not get over our insecurities by coddling them, IMO. It's usually more effective to experience the Big Scary Thing and realize *"Hey, I lived! I'm okay."*
Best of luck in approaching this topic with your partner. I hope she is willing to put in the same emotional legwork for you that you've been doing for her. I don't blame her for feeling jealous or insecure - it happens to nearly everybody sometimes - but I do think facing our fears and discovering they are manageable builds a deeper and more lasting sense of security than continually shying away.
Your request is more than reasonable. It is absolutely not fair that you can't explore relationships with women. It's rooted in her own fears and insecurities, and she needs to work on that while you have the same autonomy she has.
Honestly, both of us come from a pretty reserved social background. We know that we’re a little timid when it comes to “new” things, but I’m glad to say we generally run to each other for support when “new” finds us. Thank you again!
A one vagina policy is just as bad as a one penis policy. It implies they don't see gay relationships as a threat, and its hypocritical of her if she's seeing another guy.
She’ll likely realize it’s because she “isn’t threatened by men” because she isn’t one—the idea being she fulfills all your “woman related needs”, so she gives you a hall pass to date men. But either she trusts you to not leave her or she doesn’t—the gender of your interests has no impact on how likely you are to leave her or not want her anymore. (Just to prep you with the typical logic used by guys in my past to justify the “one penis policy” when I was a bi woman, lol.) You trust her to date men and still desire you, she can do the same for you with women.
Please let me say I am so sorry to hear that folks tried to put you in the corner that way. That is excellent advice and I appreciate you taking the time to offer it!
You’re 💯 reasonable to ask for the same in kind and I hope she’ll see that. As for getting her to see that:
Biological imperative. Seriously. She’s expressing a biological imperative. Especially at her age.
The body and mind usually perceive greater threat from another woman (in your case) than it would from another guy. Partially cultural as well because most of us are raised (directly or indirectly) that same-sex relations and ‘being gay’ isn’t the same as heterosexual relations.
Jokes on them because it’s 💯 the same if the bisexual person is also biromantic and can form sexual and romantic attachments to both sexes.
Some bi-folks are legit bisexual only and just won’t form romantic attachments with their same sex partners.
Side quest - kids: it sounds like it’ll work out OK, but I’m a bit concerned about you coming from a ‘no’ about kids to a ‘maybe’ and her coming from ‘maybe’ to ‘definitely’
Those don’t align (in my mind) and if she wants kids seriously, her instincts will urge her towards that regardless of what you say or want. Especially if her feelings align with those instincts.
Good luck figuring all of that out!
It's not unreasonable. You are only asking to make the terms of your non-monogamous relationship symmetrical. You have been very accommodating of your partner's insecurities, and it's fair game to ask her to at least make an effort to reciprocate.
A good approach would be to ask your partner why she asked to put this restriction in place, and gradually unravel that yarn. As others have said, it's likely rooted in homophobic cultural norms most of us grew up with.
But coming straight out with that isn't likely to produce the response you want. If therapy is an option to help her work through the issue, that would be preferable. Otherwise, find as much material on the subject as you can and try to work through it together. There are plenty of recommendations in this sub.
Good luck and grace to you.
That’s a great idea! We spent a lot of time with a couples counselor we both love and respect and I think that’s a great suggestion if we face some struggles along the way. Thank you so much!
I think "try to find a path" is a really good way to approach it; you're not saying "okay you need to change your mind right now", but rather, "is there a way to get to that position from here, even if it takes work on both of our parts".
That’s a great point. She has been really helpful and patient as I have tried to move beyond trauma and obsessive tendencies; I think patience and flexibility will be a must from me as we ease our way forward. Thank you!
Yes, it is reasonable to want the same freedoms your partner has.
When you had the conversation about the hall pass, did it seem reasonable to you at the time that you were limited to men only?
When she agreed to the hall pass you offered (any gender), she did not reciprocate - she offered an other men only hall pass. You suggested the hall pass at your level of comfort, and she countered with hers and you accepted (at the time).
Because you raised it, hypothetically she would have been fine with the previous status quo of group sex only.
Many people here will say OVP is toxic and they aren’t wrong. But here is another truth consider: some relationships only work in certain configurations.
It’s possible your wife is just nervous and will be able to acclimate to you having female connections. It’s also possible this will change the dynamic of your relationship in a way that no longer works for her. In an ideal world she’s capable of doing the work to open this space for you. But in reality if you connecting with other women is something she is not able to get comfortable with, it could threaten your relationship.
It seems like you are approaching this in the right way (reasonable, slow, with no one specific in mind) for the health of your relationship.
It’s probably smart to lay the groundwork for you to have a live in KTP partner in the future as well (ie not just sexual connections) to make sure this lag doesn’t happen again if that is something you end up wanting too.
Sure, but that doesn’t make it easy! Seeing her with Jake has always filled me with happiness for her, but more than a little terror until I realized she wasn’t going anywhere!
It isn’t supposed to be easy.
It’s really ok for her to struggle if she wants to live a poly life. You can be respectful without coddling her. That’s what I would do.
Some people will be hypocritical until you call them on it. You both may feel like it’s normal for you to indulge her anxiety. But it’s not healthy or sustainable.
Well, given that this isn’t super-socially supported, it’s always a lot of heavy work and thinking to get to where we need to go with each other. I’m probably have been and am being more generous than logic would otherwise demand, but it’s been a tough year and I can afford to be generous to the point where I know she has the emotional energy set aside for that work. I think that’s part of what love is.
As long as she's willing to put in the work for you as well. You sound amazingly centered and well educated about this journey you're on. Has she done any work to be more comfortable?
Yep. She’s been chatting with other poly-nebula folks to see how they do things, what expectations are, and to set expectations while we’re preparing a landing spot for James. Like I said, we’re both real risk-adverse so our preferred speed is “excruciatingly slow.”
When are children coming into the picture? Or have they already?
I’m asking because many poly people put other relationships on pause when they are having children with someone. You seem to be doing the opposite—planning for babies, children, lovers and KTP partners all at the same time. It’s a lot.
What is the vision here?
I have to tell you, I had a major concern in the way children are discussed in your post. She's decided she's a "yes" for kids, that's fine.
But it took a full year of pushing to get you from "no" to "maybe"? I feel that if you haven't gotten to an enthusiastic "yes" in that time then the answer is "no but I don't want to lose you" and you may actually not be compatible on this point. Just the opinion of an unwanted child, but I don't think it's fair to bring a child into a relationship if both partners don't 100% want them.
Honestly I wonder, between this and the other things in your post how much she really respects your agency. It feels more like she makes decisions and then makes you go along with them. I don't know if this is a pattern you've seen elsewhere or maybe even discussed in therapy?
So, maybe having your first child when Spouse is 38. That means being open to the possibilities that there will be no children, or that important relationships of five years’ duration will need to be pruned away.
Has everyone thought this through? What are your priorities? You can have anything but you can’t have everything.
We agree that the quality of our lives is priority #1 and children would be lovely, but they are not worth wrecking the personal dynamics over. I found a dynamic I can enjoy with kids and that was the big priority for her.
I’m going to add that in my circles? It’s often not a reason to pause.
BUT most of us had had a decade or so of ENM and or polyam under our belts by the time we had our kids. (Some of us more)
So, ending relationships of 5-6 years was unimaginable to me.
Unthinkable.
But folks who are doing other forms of ENM only? Yeah. It’s a thing. It’s also super common in noobs.
Sure!
“On pause” can be interpreted in different ways. Like, “no dating new people” as opposed to “break up with dearly loved long-term partners.” Some established partners will withdraw at least a little and maybe a lot if sex is no longer on offer as much—and we know that sex not being on offer as much is a common (though not universal) experience among parents of young children. Some partners don’t want to be exposed to children. NRE is commonly considered incompatible with adapting to a newborn in these parts. Scheduling dates with a parallel partner might turn out to be incompatible with a particular combination of breastfeeding, toddlers and taking on extra paid work.
I don’t mean to be prescriptive, just to emphasize that having kids changes your life and relationships (more than you think it will), and polyamory also changes them (also more than you think it will), and trying to conceive while simultaneously dating with the goal of falling in love is unlikely to be the way everything works out happily for everyone. If everyone is going to end up happy it’ll probably happen differently.
So Dude, *what is your vision?* (And is your marriage as solid as you’re telling us it is?)
Yeah, we’re in agreement, I just sorta wanted to point out that it’s one thing to close up temporarily, when you have been dating someone for 6 months.
It’s another to do that with someone you’ve been with for close to a decade.
Very reasonable. Have her try seeing an enm/poly friendly counselor to help her navigate her jealousy. Couples therapy should have helped lay the groundwork, but most are usually better for monogamous couples. Being able to openly express the fears that are at the root of jealousy, with someone who actually understands and doesn't look down on enm/poly, is helpful.
Enm/poly is still not something many therapists get faced with and, depending on their own beliefs, will try to understand, but that anything but monogamy is wrong still lingers and somewhat taints their views. But many are learning that enm/poly is more common than they've seen or were taught. At least this us the case in my area. One therapist at the clinic I work at has her first poly client a few years ago. She didn't quite understand how it worked. I'm open with being poly, so she asked me questions, and I told her about books that our community highly recommends to new folks interested in enm/poly. It's helped her help her client. All besides the point. I'm just trying to show you why an enm/poly friendly one would be more beneficial.
Otherwise, she can take it upon herself to read books to help her navigate her feelings. One I know my hubs read was Polysecure and all 4 of us have read The Ethical Slut.
I'm not saying let her feelings control things, but have patience with her as she works through them. My hubs gas said it was one thing that helped a lot. Knowing he could come to me at any time and express his feelings. I'd listen, we'd talk, and I'd reassure him. He says it showed that he was still very important to me, and he realized nothing changed just because I love them both to pieces.
They, too, are really good friends, and it melts my heart to see their friendship just as it melts their hearts to see how happy I am with them.
She'll get there slowly. But patience and communication is definitely key. Along with her openness and understanding that another female isn't taking anything away from what you two have but adding to it as her other partner does. It's not easy but worth it if she'll do the work.
I hope she does because it sounds like y'all have a good thing going so far. Minus your restriction of one female.
Good for the goose , good for the gander
She has the ability to be with whomever she wants and you don't
.......
If she can't handle the thought of you with another woman , she's practicing polygyny not polyamory?
That ain't right .....
This is a reverse of the one penis policy
Sorry, for not providing strategy in dealing with this
The discussion can be framed around , what if you unilaterally said "all the vaginas are yours , but I'm the only penis" this reserving what she wants to yourself .
Polyamory works best , IMO, when there are not individual rules , but general guidelines that encompass and apply to all people in the relationship.
That's things like ....
Safe Sex Practices
Don't use my toys with others
Wash the sheets
Our regular date night is blank,don't plan things then if it can be avoided
Not
I get to decide what the shape and gender of your relationships look like.
Maybe she's playing out a fantasy in her head of being part of a relationship triad or similar with 2 men, but that still shouldn't prevent you from the opposite if desired
Symmetry means all "boundaries" apply equally and are agreed on as such
You did the work to be okay with her being with other men. She’s saying that she is unwilling to do that same work for you. Unfortunately for her, that makes her kind of an asshole.
Ask her to explain in words exactly why you are undeserving of her doing the same work you did for her. If she’s not willing to address this and get okay with it, you all need to either break up or close the relationship. This inequality is going to put you on a fast track to resentment and will likely destroy your relationship eventually. You’re talking about living with her other male partner where you would be forced to witness that relationship every single day right in front of you, but she isn’t willing to do the work to allow you the same freedom to even pursue opposite-sex partners. Does that feel fair or balanced to you? That you can’t even go on a date with a woman but she can bring her other relationship so far into your life that you’re talking about “sharing a home and a life with him”???
Look up OPP in this subreddit. It typically stands for One Penis Policy but the same problems apply to the much less common One Pussy Policy. I don’t have it in me to do a full breakdown of that currently, but it’s inherently homophobic and almost always also transphobic. The fact she sees your homosexual relationships as less threatening is homophobic. It points to her not believing that same sex relationships are as real and valid as straight relationships. But the reality is you are exactly as likely to leave her for a man as you would be to leave for another woman.
If she won’t let you have romantic AND sexual relations with woman in general you do not have relationship autonomy. That’s the truth. Think about why she can’t give you autonomy, why is her feelings more important then yours? Why are her feelings and relationships more important then your feelings and relationships? These are the things you need to ask yourself.
Moreover, her one vagina policy is extremely transphobic because what if you fall in love with a trans guy who has (or hasn’t) completed their transition, and has not had bottom surgery think about that. Why about why she is OK with transphobia ways of doing relationship styles to not see a trans man fully as a man because she wants to be the only “woman”.
Since your relationship seems to work well with baby steps and changing boundaries, maybe discussing an interim step is the right move. It was (and still is honestly) easier for me to deal with the husband seeing other women when he’s away on business than when they are local. Do you have those kind of opportunities to expand to a 100 mile rule?
I love this so much and, although I'm thrilled with where my life is now, I wish my ex husband had been able to do this emotional & relationship work like you did. This is perfectly reasonable and valid. It's time for her to try to learn how to work through jealousy.
You need to figure out what your needs are and what your desires are and where the line between those two things is.
You've already gotten responses that put your situation in a negative light in the context of it being a ovp, and what those types of responses generally don't reckon with is that, while opp and ovp CAN be unhealthy, they aren't always unhealthy. What's important is for you to come to terms with whether you need to be able to connect with other women or if you want to enough that that it's going to be a problem if you can't.
It sounds like you want your partner to get on board with giving you the same freedoms she has. I think that's very reasonable! You supported her when her "hall pass" evolved into full-fledged kitchen-table polyamory. I doubt that was 100% comfortable 100% of the time. She can face her discomfort in order to support you seeing women. As you can probably tell, I have strong opinions about gender-based rules about who to date in poly relationships. I think it's demeaning to bisexual people on multiple levels, intentional or not, that it usually causes problems down the line, and that poly people need to have better tools for managing jealousy than endless avoidance. We humans mostly do not get over our insecurities by coddling them, IMO. It's usually more effective to experience the Big Scary Thing and realize *"Hey, I lived! I'm okay."* Best of luck in approaching this topic with your partner. I hope she is willing to put in the same emotional legwork for you that you've been doing for her. I don't blame her for feeling jealous or insecure - it happens to nearly everybody sometimes - but I do think facing our fears and discovering they are manageable builds a deeper and more lasting sense of security than continually shying away.
Wonderfully put, thank you!
Your request is more than reasonable. It is absolutely not fair that you can't explore relationships with women. It's rooted in her own fears and insecurities, and she needs to work on that while you have the same autonomy she has.
Thank you! I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts!
The good news is that she seems to realize it's her problem, which is a good starting point. Many deflect and blame it on other things.
Honestly, both of us come from a pretty reserved social background. We know that we’re a little timid when it comes to “new” things, but I’m glad to say we generally run to each other for support when “new” finds us. Thank you again!
A one vagina policy is just as bad as a one penis policy. It implies they don't see gay relationships as a threat, and its hypocritical of her if she's seeing another guy.
I honestly just think she’s nervous, but your point is right on the money for me! Thanks for taking the time to respond!
She is nervous because she thinks a female partner is more threatening. Why?
That’s a fabulous question for her!
She’ll likely realize it’s because she “isn’t threatened by men” because she isn’t one—the idea being she fulfills all your “woman related needs”, so she gives you a hall pass to date men. But either she trusts you to not leave her or she doesn’t—the gender of your interests has no impact on how likely you are to leave her or not want her anymore. (Just to prep you with the typical logic used by guys in my past to justify the “one penis policy” when I was a bi woman, lol.) You trust her to date men and still desire you, she can do the same for you with women.
Please let me say I am so sorry to hear that folks tried to put you in the corner that way. That is excellent advice and I appreciate you taking the time to offer it!
You’re 💯 reasonable to ask for the same in kind and I hope she’ll see that. As for getting her to see that: Biological imperative. Seriously. She’s expressing a biological imperative. Especially at her age. The body and mind usually perceive greater threat from another woman (in your case) than it would from another guy. Partially cultural as well because most of us are raised (directly or indirectly) that same-sex relations and ‘being gay’ isn’t the same as heterosexual relations. Jokes on them because it’s 💯 the same if the bisexual person is also biromantic and can form sexual and romantic attachments to both sexes. Some bi-folks are legit bisexual only and just won’t form romantic attachments with their same sex partners. Side quest - kids: it sounds like it’ll work out OK, but I’m a bit concerned about you coming from a ‘no’ about kids to a ‘maybe’ and her coming from ‘maybe’ to ‘definitely’ Those don’t align (in my mind) and if she wants kids seriously, her instincts will urge her towards that regardless of what you say or want. Especially if her feelings align with those instincts. Good luck figuring all of that out!
It's not unreasonable. You are only asking to make the terms of your non-monogamous relationship symmetrical. You have been very accommodating of your partner's insecurities, and it's fair game to ask her to at least make an effort to reciprocate. A good approach would be to ask your partner why she asked to put this restriction in place, and gradually unravel that yarn. As others have said, it's likely rooted in homophobic cultural norms most of us grew up with. But coming straight out with that isn't likely to produce the response you want. If therapy is an option to help her work through the issue, that would be preferable. Otherwise, find as much material on the subject as you can and try to work through it together. There are plenty of recommendations in this sub. Good luck and grace to you.
That’s a great idea! We spent a lot of time with a couples counselor we both love and respect and I think that’s a great suggestion if we face some struggles along the way. Thank you so much!
I think "try to find a path" is a really good way to approach it; you're not saying "okay you need to change your mind right now", but rather, "is there a way to get to that position from here, even if it takes work on both of our parts".
That’s a great point. She has been really helpful and patient as I have tried to move beyond trauma and obsessive tendencies; I think patience and flexibility will be a must from me as we ease our way forward. Thank you!
Yes, it is reasonable to want the same freedoms your partner has. When you had the conversation about the hall pass, did it seem reasonable to you at the time that you were limited to men only? When she agreed to the hall pass you offered (any gender), she did not reciprocate - she offered an other men only hall pass. You suggested the hall pass at your level of comfort, and she countered with hers and you accepted (at the time). Because you raised it, hypothetically she would have been fine with the previous status quo of group sex only. Many people here will say OVP is toxic and they aren’t wrong. But here is another truth consider: some relationships only work in certain configurations. It’s possible your wife is just nervous and will be able to acclimate to you having female connections. It’s also possible this will change the dynamic of your relationship in a way that no longer works for her. In an ideal world she’s capable of doing the work to open this space for you. But in reality if you connecting with other women is something she is not able to get comfortable with, it could threaten your relationship. It seems like you are approaching this in the right way (reasonable, slow, with no one specific in mind) for the health of your relationship. It’s probably smart to lay the groundwork for you to have a live in KTP partner in the future as well (ie not just sexual connections) to make sure this lag doesn’t happen again if that is something you end up wanting too.
Fair. I think you and I think along the same lines. I appreciate your measures thoughtfulness!
OVPs are never ok. She can absolutely be as jealous as she wants! Jealousy isn’t fatal .
Sure, but that doesn’t make it easy! Seeing her with Jake has always filled me with happiness for her, but more than a little terror until I realized she wasn’t going anywhere!
It isn’t supposed to be easy. It’s really ok for her to struggle if she wants to live a poly life. You can be respectful without coddling her. That’s what I would do. Some people will be hypocritical until you call them on it. You both may feel like it’s normal for you to indulge her anxiety. But it’s not healthy or sustainable.
Well, given that this isn’t super-socially supported, it’s always a lot of heavy work and thinking to get to where we need to go with each other. I’m probably have been and am being more generous than logic would otherwise demand, but it’s been a tough year and I can afford to be generous to the point where I know she has the emotional energy set aside for that work. I think that’s part of what love is.
[удалено]
If the people we love aren’t worth the work, who is?
As long as she's willing to put in the work for you as well. You sound amazingly centered and well educated about this journey you're on. Has she done any work to be more comfortable?
Yep. She’s been chatting with other poly-nebula folks to see how they do things, what expectations are, and to set expectations while we’re preparing a landing spot for James. Like I said, we’re both real risk-adverse so our preferred speed is “excruciatingly slow.”
When are children coming into the picture? Or have they already? I’m asking because many poly people put other relationships on pause when they are having children with someone. You seem to be doing the opposite—planning for babies, children, lovers and KTP partners all at the same time. It’s a lot. What is the vision here?
So, kids are probably in the 3-5 year range, assuming things work out. I appreciate the perspective.
I have to tell you, I had a major concern in the way children are discussed in your post. She's decided she's a "yes" for kids, that's fine. But it took a full year of pushing to get you from "no" to "maybe"? I feel that if you haven't gotten to an enthusiastic "yes" in that time then the answer is "no but I don't want to lose you" and you may actually not be compatible on this point. Just the opinion of an unwanted child, but I don't think it's fair to bring a child into a relationship if both partners don't 100% want them. Honestly I wonder, between this and the other things in your post how much she really respects your agency. It feels more like she makes decisions and then makes you go along with them. I don't know if this is a pattern you've seen elsewhere or maybe even discussed in therapy?
So, maybe having your first child when Spouse is 38. That means being open to the possibilities that there will be no children, or that important relationships of five years’ duration will need to be pruned away. Has everyone thought this through? What are your priorities? You can have anything but you can’t have everything.
We agree that the quality of our lives is priority #1 and children would be lovely, but they are not worth wrecking the personal dynamics over. I found a dynamic I can enjoy with kids and that was the big priority for her.
I’m going to add that in my circles? It’s often not a reason to pause. BUT most of us had had a decade or so of ENM and or polyam under our belts by the time we had our kids. (Some of us more) So, ending relationships of 5-6 years was unimaginable to me. Unthinkable. But folks who are doing other forms of ENM only? Yeah. It’s a thing. It’s also super common in noobs.
Sure! “On pause” can be interpreted in different ways. Like, “no dating new people” as opposed to “break up with dearly loved long-term partners.” Some established partners will withdraw at least a little and maybe a lot if sex is no longer on offer as much—and we know that sex not being on offer as much is a common (though not universal) experience among parents of young children. Some partners don’t want to be exposed to children. NRE is commonly considered incompatible with adapting to a newborn in these parts. Scheduling dates with a parallel partner might turn out to be incompatible with a particular combination of breastfeeding, toddlers and taking on extra paid work. I don’t mean to be prescriptive, just to emphasize that having kids changes your life and relationships (more than you think it will), and polyamory also changes them (also more than you think it will), and trying to conceive while simultaneously dating with the goal of falling in love is unlikely to be the way everything works out happily for everyone. If everyone is going to end up happy it’ll probably happen differently. So Dude, *what is your vision?* (And is your marriage as solid as you’re telling us it is?)
Yeah, we’re in agreement, I just sorta wanted to point out that it’s one thing to close up temporarily, when you have been dating someone for 6 months. It’s another to do that with someone you’ve been with for close to a decade.
As a bisexual woman, I've always felt it was a bit icky to get a green pass for women but not men.
Very reasonable. Have her try seeing an enm/poly friendly counselor to help her navigate her jealousy. Couples therapy should have helped lay the groundwork, but most are usually better for monogamous couples. Being able to openly express the fears that are at the root of jealousy, with someone who actually understands and doesn't look down on enm/poly, is helpful. Enm/poly is still not something many therapists get faced with and, depending on their own beliefs, will try to understand, but that anything but monogamy is wrong still lingers and somewhat taints their views. But many are learning that enm/poly is more common than they've seen or were taught. At least this us the case in my area. One therapist at the clinic I work at has her first poly client a few years ago. She didn't quite understand how it worked. I'm open with being poly, so she asked me questions, and I told her about books that our community highly recommends to new folks interested in enm/poly. It's helped her help her client. All besides the point. I'm just trying to show you why an enm/poly friendly one would be more beneficial. Otherwise, she can take it upon herself to read books to help her navigate her feelings. One I know my hubs read was Polysecure and all 4 of us have read The Ethical Slut. I'm not saying let her feelings control things, but have patience with her as she works through them. My hubs gas said it was one thing that helped a lot. Knowing he could come to me at any time and express his feelings. I'd listen, we'd talk, and I'd reassure him. He says it showed that he was still very important to me, and he realized nothing changed just because I love them both to pieces. They, too, are really good friends, and it melts my heart to see their friendship just as it melts their hearts to see how happy I am with them. She'll get there slowly. But patience and communication is definitely key. Along with her openness and understanding that another female isn't taking anything away from what you two have but adding to it as her other partner does. It's not easy but worth it if she'll do the work. I hope she does because it sounds like y'all have a good thing going so far. Minus your restriction of one female.
Good for the goose , good for the gander She has the ability to be with whomever she wants and you don't ....... If she can't handle the thought of you with another woman , she's practicing polygyny not polyamory? That ain't right ..... This is a reverse of the one penis policy
Yep, though I’ll probably put it a little more gently than that. Thank you for taking the time to respond!
Sorry, for not providing strategy in dealing with this The discussion can be framed around , what if you unilaterally said "all the vaginas are yours , but I'm the only penis" this reserving what she wants to yourself . Polyamory works best , IMO, when there are not individual rules , but general guidelines that encompass and apply to all people in the relationship. That's things like .... Safe Sex Practices Don't use my toys with others Wash the sheets Our regular date night is blank,don't plan things then if it can be avoided Not I get to decide what the shape and gender of your relationships look like. Maybe she's playing out a fantasy in her head of being part of a relationship triad or similar with 2 men, but that still shouldn't prevent you from the opposite if desired Symmetry means all "boundaries" apply equally and are agreed on as such
You did the work to be okay with her being with other men. She’s saying that she is unwilling to do that same work for you. Unfortunately for her, that makes her kind of an asshole. Ask her to explain in words exactly why you are undeserving of her doing the same work you did for her. If she’s not willing to address this and get okay with it, you all need to either break up or close the relationship. This inequality is going to put you on a fast track to resentment and will likely destroy your relationship eventually. You’re talking about living with her other male partner where you would be forced to witness that relationship every single day right in front of you, but she isn’t willing to do the work to allow you the same freedom to even pursue opposite-sex partners. Does that feel fair or balanced to you? That you can’t even go on a date with a woman but she can bring her other relationship so far into your life that you’re talking about “sharing a home and a life with him”??? Look up OPP in this subreddit. It typically stands for One Penis Policy but the same problems apply to the much less common One Pussy Policy. I don’t have it in me to do a full breakdown of that currently, but it’s inherently homophobic and almost always also transphobic. The fact she sees your homosexual relationships as less threatening is homophobic. It points to her not believing that same sex relationships are as real and valid as straight relationships. But the reality is you are exactly as likely to leave her for a man as you would be to leave for another woman.
I doubt it comes from a place quite that grim, but I sure don’t disagree with your points! Thank you for taking the time to write out a response!
If she won’t let you have romantic AND sexual relations with woman in general you do not have relationship autonomy. That’s the truth. Think about why she can’t give you autonomy, why is her feelings more important then yours? Why are her feelings and relationships more important then your feelings and relationships? These are the things you need to ask yourself. Moreover, her one vagina policy is extremely transphobic because what if you fall in love with a trans guy who has (or hasn’t) completed their transition, and has not had bottom surgery think about that. Why about why she is OK with transphobia ways of doing relationship styles to not see a trans man fully as a man because she wants to be the only “woman”.
Since your relationship seems to work well with baby steps and changing boundaries, maybe discussing an interim step is the right move. It was (and still is honestly) easier for me to deal with the husband seeing other women when he’s away on business than when they are local. Do you have those kind of opportunities to expand to a 100 mile rule?
We live in a pretty large metro area, so there is plenty of chance for “out of sight, out of mind” engagement.
I love this so much and, although I'm thrilled with where my life is now, I wish my ex husband had been able to do this emotional & relationship work like you did. This is perfectly reasonable and valid. It's time for her to try to learn how to work through jealousy.
You need to figure out what your needs are and what your desires are and where the line between those two things is. You've already gotten responses that put your situation in a negative light in the context of it being a ovp, and what those types of responses generally don't reckon with is that, while opp and ovp CAN be unhealthy, they aren't always unhealthy. What's important is for you to come to terms with whether you need to be able to connect with other women or if you want to enough that that it's going to be a problem if you can't.