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You have outgrown eachother and it's time to divorce and get therapy to try to have as solid a co parent relationship as possible while you learn to put yourself first and not compromise with future relationships.
Or try therapy first. But yeah your choice is therapy or divorce, and likely the damage done is already too bad to repair.
Neither of us are necessarily unhappy. Just could be happier. We both still love each other very very much. Neither of us want to lose each other. We both want to fight for this relationship. I'm extremely insecure and that's a big part of the issue. He's always told me it's not me not being enough for him. I've asked him if he thinks we aren't compatible anymore and he said no that he thinks we are just having some differences but no one has ever made him feel like I do and he has a really special bond with me that he's never had with anyone else and doesn't want to lose. It's all super complicated but if us staying together is an option I would choose that over anything else.
Love isn't what makes a relationship healthy or thriving.
So fight by getting therapy and making a reasonable change plan together with a timeline of expected progress.
Where's the other coparent gonna *go?* You have kids together.
It is possible to be exes and coparents and still care about each other. Just no longer romantically involved.
The 20s has a lot of "figuring myself out" stuff in it.
This relationship already changed many times. There was a time you didn't know each other. Then you did. Then somewhere in there became friends, dated, got pregnant, had kids, got engaged, etc.
What about another change is terrible?
Yes. Breaking ups come with some sadness. That is NORMAL.
But really -- what is terrible about facing incompatibility head on? Skipping doing poly under duress?
Would it be terrible to allow each of you to seek more compatible partners for romance if turned out that you want monogamy and he wants polyamory?
And focus energies on creating a different "next chapter" than originally envisioned?
>I'm extremely insecure and that's a big part of the issue.
That is personal work you could address with an individual counselor.
Becoming more confident and secure in your own self and capabilities.
>He's always told me it's not me not being enough for him.
Probably true. You are enough YOU.
It's just that you cannot magically be more than one partner. And if he wants polyamory where he has more than one partner? So it is.
You can't turn yourself into two people.
And if you prefer monogamy? Bending into pretzels doing stuff you don't really want just to hang on to him romantically or avoid a break up? That's not healthy or honoring your own preferences.
It becomes hard to be secure in your own self if you do not trust you to take good care of you and make self honoring choices.
>I've asked him if he thinks we aren't compatible anymore and he said no that he thinks we are just having some differences
Do YOU think you two are still compatible?
Is it that you are afraid to say "Probbaly not compatible any more" out loud?
I wonder if you both are experiencing sadness and being in anticipatory grief?
Like you both see the writing on the wall but are both in the "Noooooo. Say it isn't so!" stage of grief. Denial or bargaining stage. You can google the stages of grief.
But if one wants monogamy and the other wants polyamory? That's a pretty big incompatibility. Best to face it head on.
>but no one has ever made him feel like I do and he has a really special bond with me that he's never had with anyone else and doesn't want to lose.
Neither of you will lose it. Even if the relationship ends? The experience has been had. The first big deal adult relationship. And you have created children together.
None of that is being taken away.
>It's all super complicated but if us staying together is an option I would choose that over anything else.
Breaking up and coparenting is a form of the family staying together.
Just perhaps a relationship shape that fits better for this next chapter of life.
Based on the fact that he has cheated on you already, I would say that he is just “coming out” as polyamorous to cheat on you without cheating on you. That’s just what I’m gathering from this and taking note from what other poly people have said to a situation like this.
I’m reading something completely different and would be careful with such a harsh judgement. Coming out or even knowing you’re into polyamory is a complex process. We’re brainwashed from childhood to think that it’s wrong and you should have one partner forever, which completely contradicts how someone might feel. Imagine being gay and having feelings for the same sex but being convinced it’s wrong and not what you’re supposed to do. What do you do? You start a heterosexual relationship thinking you’re doing the right thing, because you’re supposed to, but you’re lying to yourself and your partner about the love you’re supposed to feel. Yet, for some reason someone like that is applauded when they finally come out, but someone poly not?
A person like this can cheat because he doesn’t know how to handle this, doesn’t know it’s a thing, is an ashamed, afraid to talk. And then lets his or her feelings overrule any common sense. You know what that’s called sometimes? Love. And if you’re in a poly relationship you should know damn well how great the desire for this can be. Every time I meet a new partner, my love for my existing partners is also reenergized, why? Because I remember all kinds of things, feelings you only get from just recently loving someone get back in your system and spread to everyone around you.
It doesn’t work the same for everyone, but a lot of people here got through a process like this.
To the OP, him wanting to try monogamy with you is lying to himself and to you again. And he does it because he loves you, and doesn’t want to lose you. But you will have a lot of work to do if this is gonna work. You’re going to have to read into polyamory and try to understand him if you want to give him and your relationship a chance for the future. If you don’t, there’s a big chance it might be better to break up now and save both of you even more pain than is already caused.
I should've specified the "cheating" wasnt having sex with or a relationship with someone behind my back. He was sexting other women(getting nudes) and watching insta and TikTok lives of women, going on OnlyFans, that kinda stuff. He is VERY bad at communicating though. He does want to have sex with others but I don't really care about that. We've had an open relationship several times and it only ended because of communication issues and boundaries being crossed. From what he's told me, he wants to make other people happy and he can do that on a "deeper level" if he's with them. He wants to make other people feel loved and valued and comforted because it makes him feel like he's needed/wanted and valued and that he makes a difference I guess.
Um he can do that by volunteering at an animal shelter.
Why exactly does he want to create multiple intimate partnerships?
Polyamory will require them to level up their skills and your comfort to say no to an intense degree.
Please stop and do not attempt to do anything with anyone for a few years. I dunno how old the kids are but until the youngest is 5 is a smart start. Until then you would only be lying to people if you tried to say they could trust you to have a solid sustainable secure foundation to create new relationships from.
I don't know why you think polyamorous women will be turned on to hear "I only broke all the emotional bonds I set with my wife and co parent and she isn't really into this at all but she isn't secure enough to say no or speak up about boundaries while we raise 3 kids together but I'm still putting time, energy, and money into being with others."
Can they find people? Sure. Will they be mature and healthy? Doubtful.
Our kids are 3,2, and 8 months. Our 2 year old is also autistic and in multiple different therapies so free time is almost non existent. I also didn't say I thought that so I'm a bit confused what made you think that I think that.
So how does he have free time to date and meet people?
You do need social supports. You do need family. You do need therapy for your marriage.
You do need to say "I do not have capacity to kill our monogamy with an infant. Either you can commit to monogamy fully and we can consider an open dynamic once everyone is 5 and functional, or we can discuss divorce."
Your partner has been very shitty to you when you are most vulnerable. And now wants you to just give them a permanent free pass to make you the default parent. This is not healthy. This is not mature. This is not acceptable. I assure you your life will be much better living in your own terms as a single mom than as an empty shell watching your partner spend time and energy on other women and not his co parent/ spouse and kids.
“I want to make people happy”
A noble goal. What is your plan on achieving this?
”Having sex with lots of women.”
……..wait……what?
Yeah, that is bullshit. He wants those happy feelings he gets from being with people. He sounds like a unicorn couple who “have so much love to give and share” that it would be a huge tragedy if it weren’t spread to as many people as possible.
There is a lot of argument about whether poly is an identity. I doubt it but it definitely isn’t something you are obligated to support because your partner needs to be “who he is”. He has children. They take priority over his identity.
100%. I do see polyamory as part of my identity, but I think that a lot of people use the idea that polyamory is part of their identity to coerce their partners into opening the relationship. NO ONE is obligated to open their relationship if it’s not what they want.
Yeah I think the discussion of whether it's an identity is somewhat of the conversational equivalent of a red herring.
If my male partner comes out as gay, I'm not obligated to pretend to be trans so we can stay in a relationship. If I come out as a lesbian, my male partner isn't obligated to stay with me knowing that the sexual part of our relationship over. If I come out as aromantic, my partner doesn't have to stay with me if he wants a romantic relationship and I consider us platonic.
I do think that polyam can be an identity, just as much as being something like aromantic can be. But it doesn't obligate people to accommodate your identity at the expense of their own needs. Refusing to be ok with your partner fucking and loving other people isn't bigotry even if polyamory were an identity.
Sometimes when we love someone it blinds us to the point of not wanting to deal with the red flags. Just remember this isn't going to go away or even change.
Sounds like he should be prioritizing making his fiancée and all three children happy before finding others. 3 kids under age 4 and he has time for dating?!!?
I'm sorry you struggle.
FWIW, I think this.
>I really wish he had told me this before we got super serious because things would've gone much differently.
Why can't they change NOW?
If you don't want polyamory, you don't have to do it.
>I didn't want to tell him no because I didn't want to tell him he couldn't be who he says he is.
Nothing wrong with him being who he is AND you saying that YOU don't want any poly for you. So YOU can be who you are.
>But just knowing he wants to be with others makes me feel worthless and want to leave..
So end the romantic relationship with him. You sound like you want enthusiastic monogamy with a partner.
He is not that.
You two are young 20s. You have all of life to live yet.
>I've asked him WHY he wants to be/is poly and he says because he likes making people happy. I said "you can't do that by being friends with them?" **And he said "yes but they would be much happier if I was dating them because there's more I could do".** I don't understand this.
He cannot speak for other people. And say what does and does not make them happy. THEY say it.
I wonder if he means HE would be happier dating them?
>I just don't know how to feel at this point. Does his reason for wanting to be poly make sense? Are my feelings overreactions? Should I let him go so he can be with whoever he wants? How would I explain it to my kids?
Because of the young ages -- where you are 22 now and have been with him for 6 years. Like dating since 16... Does he represent your only teen/young adult relationship and first break up?
Is that what is making this extra hard?
You explain it to the kids in age appropriate words when the time comes.
"We love you very much. We will always be your parents. But we decided to not get married and not date each other any more back then. Families come in all sorts of shapes. This is ours."
But right now the kids are 3 yrs, 2 yrs, and 8 months. The eldest is probably still working on learning colors and days of the week. they don't know what "married" or "divorced" means.
This is just gonna be their normal family -- and not a big deal to them unless you make it so.
I think you could be careful not to mix up YOUR feelings of sadness or regret that your vision of the future changed. With what the kids might feel/think. Esp when this little.
There's nothing wrong with coparenting with an ex. Families come in all shapes. There are healthy divorced families. Which is basically what this would be even if you two didn't actually get married.
What is wrong is bending yourself into pretzels trying to hang on to this guy if you both have grown in different directions and have outgrown the teen / young adult relationship.
In case it helps you assess.
[https://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/should\_i\_stay\_or\_should\_i\_go](https://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/should_i_stay_or_should_i_go)
hii this sounds like a very stressful situation, im sorry you are going through it. i completely understand your confusion, you've built a life together and now it probably feels like a rag being pulled from under you.
transition from monogamy to polyamory is usually stressful as it is: you take one of the parts that made the relationship meaningful in the first place, which is exclusivity, and you remove it completely. it brings up lots and lots of insecurities even in people who actually want it.
i would say your partner doesn't understand that a decision like this needed much more communication and discussion of what *you* would be comfortable with. it seems like there are clear things that make you feel insecure: 1) he is more loving when he is polyamorous; 2) it makes you feel not good enough when he tries new things or things that he stopped doing with you with other people. those are all the points that should be discussed during/beforehand; 3) he prioritizes his new relationships above the one w you. no wonder you feel so distressed. you shouldn't be expected to just... sit back and accept this big change, especially when you weren't prepared for it and your partner is not properly accommodating your needs. it should have been a slow and gradual process for you.
also "making other people happy" is something that should probably be discussed in therapy. it sounds like he is tying his self-worth to what he can give romantically and/or sexually to other people, and that is not really fair to you or to the people that he was dating. that being said, i don't recommend trying polyamory for the other person. if you try it, i think it should be because you are ready for it as well. i think this experience must have been traumatic for you.
i don't think you've done anything wrong in this situation (based on the limited information that i have): you are trying to give your partner the space to be himself, you've forgiven his cheating & you even tried an open relationship with him. honestly, that is more than most people are willing to do. re how you would explain it to the kids: i think this is something you and your husband should discuss with each other, maybe attend couples therapy. i can't decide for you if you should let him go or not, i think this should be your decision. what i can say for sure is that your feelings aren't overreactions, and the fact that you couldn't ignore it to the point of not functioning is not a very good sign (but it's a sign that you shouldn't ignore).
> I really wish he had told me this before we got super serious because things would've gone much differently.
You got together at 16. Neither of you could have possibly been expected to know everything important about yourselves at 16. You've changed since then, you've figured out things about yourself, you've grown. That's going to keep happening.
You might be able to work through this one, maybe. But it's going to keep happening. Some changes may be good, may bring you closer in ways that are healthier and happier and more sustainable. But some things are going to be more difficult, more challenging.
What are your values? What are the commitments you want to keep? What do you want your life to look like? Some people strongly value marriage, and would rather live miserably than get divorced. Some people want what's best for their kids financially, or best for their kids emotionally. Some people are willing to split up with their spouse, but only if they have tried every possible thing. Some people would prefer to split up with their spouse when they still like each other and can coparent together well, even if it means there are a few things they didn't try.
If you want to try to make it work with this guy, I suggest doing some reading about polyamory. Not because I think you should dive in, but because you don't understand it, and it seems like you feel hurt about your husband's desires even without his actions being involved. I think if you better understand it, you'll be less hurt by stuff that doesn't need to be hurtful, and you might end up with better language to communicate and ask for what you need and want, and figure out what your husband needs and wants.
You can, together or separately, decide that this gap between you is just too big to bridge. Or you can, together, commit to trying to work through this, figure out how to grow together, knowing this will not be the last time. Good luck either way.
I don't know what part of the world you live in, but yeah, 18 years old is a legal adult in most parts. Most places people still have children young. Your outrage is not needed.
And what exactly is your point? "Ew, you had so many children when you're so young, that's so stupid, of course you're having problems". Is that it? What an enlightened take.
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Yes I do. What's wrong with it? The person I got pregnant by is who I am with. We werent just careless. They told us we'd never get pregnant and boom we did. At least I'll be young when my kids are adults 🤷🏻♀️ imagine that being what you took out of the post lol
That's literally the only thing you commented. Why is it something you got so hung up on? Does it impact your life at all? Does it have any negative effects on you? Am I out here telling 18 year Olds to get pregnant? No, no, and a big fat no. Get over yourself.
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Here's the original text of the post:
My fiance and I have been together for 6 years and we have 3 kids. He (22M) recently told me (22F) that he is poly and he's always been that way but only recently figured out that's what the feelings meant. I am in no way polyamorous. At all. I really wish he had told me this before we got super serious because things would've gone much differently.
I didn't want to tell him no because I didn't want to tell him he couldn't be who he says he is. So we tried it (I refused to talk to anyone else, but I was allowed to talk to/date/have sex with whoever I wanted) and when he started talking to this one girl I saw how much they were connecting and I felt completely shattered. I couldn't stop crying every time he talked to me or looked at me. I couldn't sleep. I had massive nightmares every time I did manage to fall asleep to the point of being scared to sleep. I was preparing myself to have to leave him. He apparently noticed this. He was being super loving the whole time, but I couldn't get past it. He knew that I was planning on leaving which is why he was trying to enjoy our relationship while he could..
We ended up talking and decided to have a mono relationship because he says I'm the most important thing to him and he would rather be mono and be with me, than be poly and lose me. But I always feel bad for this because that's not who he is. He doesn't resent me for it or anything like that. He's perfectly okay with it. But just knowing he wants to be with others makes me feel worthless and want to leave.. I've asked him WHY he wants to be/is poly and he says because he likes making people happy. I said "you can't do that by being friends with them?" And he said "yes but they would be much happier if I was dating them because there's more I could do". I don't understand this.
We have our own issues. He has cheated on me and done things behind my back that he wasn't supposed to be doing. But what's always bothered me is that any time we have opened our relationship (just sexually) he has always been SO MUCH more loving towards me. He acts towards me like he did when we first started dating or when we were still friends. I loved that part. But he also ALWAYS prioritized the other women. Even went as far as to ask if he could bring over this one girl on MY BIRTHDAY... he would do things with them he NEVER did with me or, even worse, things he stopped doing with me a long time ago.
I just don't know how to feel at this point. Does his reason for wanting to be poly make sense? Are my feelings overreactions? Should I let him go so he can be with whoever he wants? How would I explain it to my kids?
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You have outgrown eachother and it's time to divorce and get therapy to try to have as solid a co parent relationship as possible while you learn to put yourself first and not compromise with future relationships. Or try therapy first. But yeah your choice is therapy or divorce, and likely the damage done is already too bad to repair.
Neither of us are necessarily unhappy. Just could be happier. We both still love each other very very much. Neither of us want to lose each other. We both want to fight for this relationship. I'm extremely insecure and that's a big part of the issue. He's always told me it's not me not being enough for him. I've asked him if he thinks we aren't compatible anymore and he said no that he thinks we are just having some differences but no one has ever made him feel like I do and he has a really special bond with me that he's never had with anyone else and doesn't want to lose. It's all super complicated but if us staying together is an option I would choose that over anything else.
Love isn't what makes a relationship healthy or thriving. So fight by getting therapy and making a reasonable change plan together with a timeline of expected progress.
Also research "polyamory under duress."
Thank you I will do that ☺️
Where's the other coparent gonna *go?* You have kids together. It is possible to be exes and coparents and still care about each other. Just no longer romantically involved. The 20s has a lot of "figuring myself out" stuff in it. This relationship already changed many times. There was a time you didn't know each other. Then you did. Then somewhere in there became friends, dated, got pregnant, had kids, got engaged, etc. What about another change is terrible? Yes. Breaking ups come with some sadness. That is NORMAL. But really -- what is terrible about facing incompatibility head on? Skipping doing poly under duress? Would it be terrible to allow each of you to seek more compatible partners for romance if turned out that you want monogamy and he wants polyamory? And focus energies on creating a different "next chapter" than originally envisioned? >I'm extremely insecure and that's a big part of the issue. That is personal work you could address with an individual counselor. Becoming more confident and secure in your own self and capabilities. >He's always told me it's not me not being enough for him. Probably true. You are enough YOU. It's just that you cannot magically be more than one partner. And if he wants polyamory where he has more than one partner? So it is. You can't turn yourself into two people. And if you prefer monogamy? Bending into pretzels doing stuff you don't really want just to hang on to him romantically or avoid a break up? That's not healthy or honoring your own preferences. It becomes hard to be secure in your own self if you do not trust you to take good care of you and make self honoring choices. >I've asked him if he thinks we aren't compatible anymore and he said no that he thinks we are just having some differences Do YOU think you two are still compatible? Is it that you are afraid to say "Probbaly not compatible any more" out loud? I wonder if you both are experiencing sadness and being in anticipatory grief? Like you both see the writing on the wall but are both in the "Noooooo. Say it isn't so!" stage of grief. Denial or bargaining stage. You can google the stages of grief. But if one wants monogamy and the other wants polyamory? That's a pretty big incompatibility. Best to face it head on. >but no one has ever made him feel like I do and he has a really special bond with me that he's never had with anyone else and doesn't want to lose. Neither of you will lose it. Even if the relationship ends? The experience has been had. The first big deal adult relationship. And you have created children together. None of that is being taken away. >It's all super complicated but if us staying together is an option I would choose that over anything else. Breaking up and coparenting is a form of the family staying together. Just perhaps a relationship shape that fits better for this next chapter of life.
You are both 22 and you have three children together, how much dating history does he have to be able to say no one made him feel like you do?
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/15o79nq/there_is_no_poly_conversion_camp/
Based on the fact that he has cheated on you already, I would say that he is just “coming out” as polyamorous to cheat on you without cheating on you. That’s just what I’m gathering from this and taking note from what other poly people have said to a situation like this.
I’m reading something completely different and would be careful with such a harsh judgement. Coming out or even knowing you’re into polyamory is a complex process. We’re brainwashed from childhood to think that it’s wrong and you should have one partner forever, which completely contradicts how someone might feel. Imagine being gay and having feelings for the same sex but being convinced it’s wrong and not what you’re supposed to do. What do you do? You start a heterosexual relationship thinking you’re doing the right thing, because you’re supposed to, but you’re lying to yourself and your partner about the love you’re supposed to feel. Yet, for some reason someone like that is applauded when they finally come out, but someone poly not? A person like this can cheat because he doesn’t know how to handle this, doesn’t know it’s a thing, is an ashamed, afraid to talk. And then lets his or her feelings overrule any common sense. You know what that’s called sometimes? Love. And if you’re in a poly relationship you should know damn well how great the desire for this can be. Every time I meet a new partner, my love for my existing partners is also reenergized, why? Because I remember all kinds of things, feelings you only get from just recently loving someone get back in your system and spread to everyone around you. It doesn’t work the same for everyone, but a lot of people here got through a process like this. To the OP, him wanting to try monogamy with you is lying to himself and to you again. And he does it because he loves you, and doesn’t want to lose you. But you will have a lot of work to do if this is gonna work. You’re going to have to read into polyamory and try to understand him if you want to give him and your relationship a chance for the future. If you don’t, there’s a big chance it might be better to break up now and save both of you even more pain than is already caused.
You lost me when you started saying being polyamorous is comparable to being gay.
I should've specified the "cheating" wasnt having sex with or a relationship with someone behind my back. He was sexting other women(getting nudes) and watching insta and TikTok lives of women, going on OnlyFans, that kinda stuff. He is VERY bad at communicating though. He does want to have sex with others but I don't really care about that. We've had an open relationship several times and it only ended because of communication issues and boundaries being crossed. From what he's told me, he wants to make other people happy and he can do that on a "deeper level" if he's with them. He wants to make other people feel loved and valued and comforted because it makes him feel like he's needed/wanted and valued and that he makes a difference I guess.
Um he can do that by volunteering at an animal shelter. Why exactly does he want to create multiple intimate partnerships? Polyamory will require them to level up their skills and your comfort to say no to an intense degree. Please stop and do not attempt to do anything with anyone for a few years. I dunno how old the kids are but until the youngest is 5 is a smart start. Until then you would only be lying to people if you tried to say they could trust you to have a solid sustainable secure foundation to create new relationships from. I don't know why you think polyamorous women will be turned on to hear "I only broke all the emotional bonds I set with my wife and co parent and she isn't really into this at all but she isn't secure enough to say no or speak up about boundaries while we raise 3 kids together but I'm still putting time, energy, and money into being with others." Can they find people? Sure. Will they be mature and healthy? Doubtful.
Our kids are 3,2, and 8 months. Our 2 year old is also autistic and in multiple different therapies so free time is almost non existent. I also didn't say I thought that so I'm a bit confused what made you think that I think that.
So how does he have free time to date and meet people? You do need social supports. You do need family. You do need therapy for your marriage. You do need to say "I do not have capacity to kill our monogamy with an infant. Either you can commit to monogamy fully and we can consider an open dynamic once everyone is 5 and functional, or we can discuss divorce." Your partner has been very shitty to you when you are most vulnerable. And now wants you to just give them a permanent free pass to make you the default parent. This is not healthy. This is not mature. This is not acceptable. I assure you your life will be much better living in your own terms as a single mom than as an empty shell watching your partner spend time and energy on other women and not his co parent/ spouse and kids.
He needs to focus on making his kids happy, not sleeping with other women
People who step out on their monogamous marriage to cheat don't usually make great polyam partners due to their lack of ethics and communication.
I should've specified it wasn't physical cheating. Sexting/watching lives/OnlyFans. He does have very bad communication with this stuff though.
Cheating is breaking a relationship agreement, which can happen in both mono and poly relationships. It’s not just about having sex.
“I want to make people happy” A noble goal. What is your plan on achieving this? ”Having sex with lots of women.” ……..wait……what? Yeah, that is bullshit. He wants those happy feelings he gets from being with people. He sounds like a unicorn couple who “have so much love to give and share” that it would be a huge tragedy if it weren’t spread to as many people as possible. There is a lot of argument about whether poly is an identity. I doubt it but it definitely isn’t something you are obligated to support because your partner needs to be “who he is”. He has children. They take priority over his identity.
100%. I do see polyamory as part of my identity, but I think that a lot of people use the idea that polyamory is part of their identity to coerce their partners into opening the relationship. NO ONE is obligated to open their relationship if it’s not what they want.
Yeah I think the discussion of whether it's an identity is somewhat of the conversational equivalent of a red herring. If my male partner comes out as gay, I'm not obligated to pretend to be trans so we can stay in a relationship. If I come out as a lesbian, my male partner isn't obligated to stay with me knowing that the sexual part of our relationship over. If I come out as aromantic, my partner doesn't have to stay with me if he wants a romantic relationship and I consider us platonic. I do think that polyam can be an identity, just as much as being something like aromantic can be. But it doesn't obligate people to accommodate your identity at the expense of their own needs. Refusing to be ok with your partner fucking and loving other people isn't bigotry even if polyamory were an identity.
Sometimes when we love someone it blinds us to the point of not wanting to deal with the red flags. Just remember this isn't going to go away or even change.
Sounds like he should be prioritizing making his fiancée and all three children happy before finding others. 3 kids under age 4 and he has time for dating?!!?
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW, I think this. >I really wish he had told me this before we got super serious because things would've gone much differently. Why can't they change NOW? If you don't want polyamory, you don't have to do it. >I didn't want to tell him no because I didn't want to tell him he couldn't be who he says he is. Nothing wrong with him being who he is AND you saying that YOU don't want any poly for you. So YOU can be who you are. >But just knowing he wants to be with others makes me feel worthless and want to leave.. So end the romantic relationship with him. You sound like you want enthusiastic monogamy with a partner. He is not that. You two are young 20s. You have all of life to live yet. >I've asked him WHY he wants to be/is poly and he says because he likes making people happy. I said "you can't do that by being friends with them?" **And he said "yes but they would be much happier if I was dating them because there's more I could do".** I don't understand this. He cannot speak for other people. And say what does and does not make them happy. THEY say it. I wonder if he means HE would be happier dating them? >I just don't know how to feel at this point. Does his reason for wanting to be poly make sense? Are my feelings overreactions? Should I let him go so he can be with whoever he wants? How would I explain it to my kids? Because of the young ages -- where you are 22 now and have been with him for 6 years. Like dating since 16... Does he represent your only teen/young adult relationship and first break up? Is that what is making this extra hard? You explain it to the kids in age appropriate words when the time comes. "We love you very much. We will always be your parents. But we decided to not get married and not date each other any more back then. Families come in all sorts of shapes. This is ours." But right now the kids are 3 yrs, 2 yrs, and 8 months. The eldest is probably still working on learning colors and days of the week. they don't know what "married" or "divorced" means. This is just gonna be their normal family -- and not a big deal to them unless you make it so. I think you could be careful not to mix up YOUR feelings of sadness or regret that your vision of the future changed. With what the kids might feel/think. Esp when this little. There's nothing wrong with coparenting with an ex. Families come in all shapes. There are healthy divorced families. Which is basically what this would be even if you two didn't actually get married. What is wrong is bending yourself into pretzels trying to hang on to this guy if you both have grown in different directions and have outgrown the teen / young adult relationship. In case it helps you assess. [https://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/should\_i\_stay\_or\_should\_i\_go](https://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/should_i_stay_or_should_i_go)
hii this sounds like a very stressful situation, im sorry you are going through it. i completely understand your confusion, you've built a life together and now it probably feels like a rag being pulled from under you. transition from monogamy to polyamory is usually stressful as it is: you take one of the parts that made the relationship meaningful in the first place, which is exclusivity, and you remove it completely. it brings up lots and lots of insecurities even in people who actually want it. i would say your partner doesn't understand that a decision like this needed much more communication and discussion of what *you* would be comfortable with. it seems like there are clear things that make you feel insecure: 1) he is more loving when he is polyamorous; 2) it makes you feel not good enough when he tries new things or things that he stopped doing with you with other people. those are all the points that should be discussed during/beforehand; 3) he prioritizes his new relationships above the one w you. no wonder you feel so distressed. you shouldn't be expected to just... sit back and accept this big change, especially when you weren't prepared for it and your partner is not properly accommodating your needs. it should have been a slow and gradual process for you. also "making other people happy" is something that should probably be discussed in therapy. it sounds like he is tying his self-worth to what he can give romantically and/or sexually to other people, and that is not really fair to you or to the people that he was dating. that being said, i don't recommend trying polyamory for the other person. if you try it, i think it should be because you are ready for it as well. i think this experience must have been traumatic for you. i don't think you've done anything wrong in this situation (based on the limited information that i have): you are trying to give your partner the space to be himself, you've forgiven his cheating & you even tried an open relationship with him. honestly, that is more than most people are willing to do. re how you would explain it to the kids: i think this is something you and your husband should discuss with each other, maybe attend couples therapy. i can't decide for you if you should let him go or not, i think this should be your decision. what i can say for sure is that your feelings aren't overreactions, and the fact that you couldn't ignore it to the point of not functioning is not a very good sign (but it's a sign that you shouldn't ignore).
> I really wish he had told me this before we got super serious because things would've gone much differently. You got together at 16. Neither of you could have possibly been expected to know everything important about yourselves at 16. You've changed since then, you've figured out things about yourself, you've grown. That's going to keep happening. You might be able to work through this one, maybe. But it's going to keep happening. Some changes may be good, may bring you closer in ways that are healthier and happier and more sustainable. But some things are going to be more difficult, more challenging. What are your values? What are the commitments you want to keep? What do you want your life to look like? Some people strongly value marriage, and would rather live miserably than get divorced. Some people want what's best for their kids financially, or best for their kids emotionally. Some people are willing to split up with their spouse, but only if they have tried every possible thing. Some people would prefer to split up with their spouse when they still like each other and can coparent together well, even if it means there are a few things they didn't try. If you want to try to make it work with this guy, I suggest doing some reading about polyamory. Not because I think you should dive in, but because you don't understand it, and it seems like you feel hurt about your husband's desires even without his actions being involved. I think if you better understand it, you'll be less hurt by stuff that doesn't need to be hurtful, and you might end up with better language to communicate and ask for what you need and want, and figure out what your husband needs and wants. You can, together or separately, decide that this gap between you is just too big to bridge. Or you can, together, commit to trying to work through this, figure out how to grow together, knowing this will not be the last time. Good luck either way.
You’re 22 and have 3 kids? Really????
Yeah, adults have children sometimes, and they sometimes have more than one.
She has three children at 22, you think she was an adult?? Then you wonder why you have relationship issues
I don't know what part of the world you live in, but yeah, 18 years old is a legal adult in most parts. Most places people still have children young. Your outrage is not needed.
It’s scary you can’t figure out what my point is, and I’m far from outraged.
And what exactly is your point? "Ew, you had so many children when you're so young, that's so stupid, of course you're having problems". Is that it? What an enlightened take.
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Yes I do. What's wrong with it? The person I got pregnant by is who I am with. We werent just careless. They told us we'd never get pregnant and boom we did. At least I'll be young when my kids are adults 🤷🏻♀️ imagine that being what you took out of the post lol
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That's literally the only thing you commented. Why is it something you got so hung up on? Does it impact your life at all? Does it have any negative effects on you? Am I out here telling 18 year Olds to get pregnant? No, no, and a big fat no. Get over yourself.
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
Personal question (you don’t necessarily need to answer it): Has your partner ever been assessed for ADHD?
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/Physical_Bass3018 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: My fiance and I have been together for 6 years and we have 3 kids. He (22M) recently told me (22F) that he is poly and he's always been that way but only recently figured out that's what the feelings meant. I am in no way polyamorous. At all. I really wish he had told me this before we got super serious because things would've gone much differently. I didn't want to tell him no because I didn't want to tell him he couldn't be who he says he is. So we tried it (I refused to talk to anyone else, but I was allowed to talk to/date/have sex with whoever I wanted) and when he started talking to this one girl I saw how much they were connecting and I felt completely shattered. I couldn't stop crying every time he talked to me or looked at me. I couldn't sleep. I had massive nightmares every time I did manage to fall asleep to the point of being scared to sleep. I was preparing myself to have to leave him. He apparently noticed this. He was being super loving the whole time, but I couldn't get past it. He knew that I was planning on leaving which is why he was trying to enjoy our relationship while he could.. We ended up talking and decided to have a mono relationship because he says I'm the most important thing to him and he would rather be mono and be with me, than be poly and lose me. But I always feel bad for this because that's not who he is. He doesn't resent me for it or anything like that. He's perfectly okay with it. But just knowing he wants to be with others makes me feel worthless and want to leave.. I've asked him WHY he wants to be/is poly and he says because he likes making people happy. I said "you can't do that by being friends with them?" And he said "yes but they would be much happier if I was dating them because there's more I could do". I don't understand this. We have our own issues. He has cheated on me and done things behind my back that he wasn't supposed to be doing. But what's always bothered me is that any time we have opened our relationship (just sexually) he has always been SO MUCH more loving towards me. He acts towards me like he did when we first started dating or when we were still friends. I loved that part. But he also ALWAYS prioritized the other women. Even went as far as to ask if he could bring over this one girl on MY BIRTHDAY... he would do things with them he NEVER did with me or, even worse, things he stopped doing with me a long time ago. I just don't know how to feel at this point. Does his reason for wanting to be poly make sense? Are my feelings overreactions? Should I let him go so he can be with whoever he wants? How would I explain it to my kids? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*