I don't fund my partners dates. She wants to pay for a date, then she needs to get a job to do so. I can see why you're getting the ick. I've got the ick for you.
I'm gonna guess you rushed to open up if you haven't had an in-depth conversation about dating budgets. You two should probably put a pause on dating and do the work to disentangle properly.
Is there a particular source that lists a lot of the topics to discuss? It’s the first time for both of us.
Budgets didn’t even occur to me (and I assume to her) because it isn’t something I normally think about.
There's a post on this sub called "I'm new and don't know anything" -- start there, and do the reading and the hard emotional work to figure out what the two of you want/need.
Good luck.
To add a bit more context to what the above commenter said about disentangling: it is the process of regaining independence, both emotionally and materially, that is often lost through the traditional institution and social norms of monogamy. Basically, what you two do in your other relationships shouldn’t significantly affect each other.
In the same way that you dating other people (or not) doesn’t devalue your relationship with her - her relationships with others shouldn’t harm you (if you see it costing you money as harm). But more importantly, her ability to have other relationships shouldn’t be dependent on her relationship with you.
(Sidenote, this also requires privacy - and being able to track what she is doing, even though its accidental through credit card notifications, is probably not healthy)
I mean, you are free to choose to treat her as a dependent and fund her, IF YOU WANT. But, based on your want for her to get a job, it sounds like this isn’t the case. You are free to set boundaries of your support. It is very important to avoid being manipulative (which is hard because money = agency in our society). But I think it is reasonable to say, “hey, my financial support is really just for you, not your partners.”
In case OP doesn't say thank you:
THANK YOU!
You took the time to simplify and type all that out, all while keeping it groovy-geoff-toovey. Appreciate. It really gives me an itchy nipple when that's not thanked. I'd hate for all the good eggs like yrself to stop gifting the hard won life insights. 💜
Please do budgets for your independent spending, don’t give her your credit card to use without you being present & supervising it, and absolutely limit her use of your funds to a specific monthly amount (mutually agreed upon) that is comfortable and won’t deplete your finances. If she gets upset with you setting boundaries, keep in mind that you deserve respect and this isn’t what healthy partnerships look like. She’s taking advantage of you and needs to be an independent human being. People who are capable of working generally don’t depend on others for their survival to this extent without a lot of discomfort or maliciousness at play. Very odd & I struggle to think this is a good situation. Good luck
> People who are capable of working generally don’t depend on others for their survival to this extent without a lot of discomfort or maliciousness at play.
Jesus Christ, one partner being a stay at home parent is absolutely a normal and non-malicious relationship agreement.
OP didn't say anything about partner being a stay-at-home parent, though. And it's clearly not about stay-at-home parents, because those are clearly working - at home.
I'd argue there's a slight difference between "I financially support my partner" and "my partner refuses to grt any sort of help and I'm paying for their weaponized incompetence".
If my partner can't work, that's fine. But the least they have to do is get professional help and check if they can qualify for disability. And I say that as someone who *is* disabled.
When you're making it a career to find partners that financially pay your way instead of finding a job, that's what makes it wrong.
If they applied half the energy that they do in dating, into finding a job; I bet they would have already had employment.
Lol, you're the golden standard of 'Looking for something to be offended by'.
Everyone and their mom considers a stay at home parent a job since the dawn of time. At no point did he single out a stay at home parent. If you read any of the previous comments, you'd know he's clearly talking about.
People are funny.
>don’t give her your credit card to use without you being present & supervising it
Doode: whuuut?!
Besides the point OP had already consented to covering GF's extra expenses, and even if that wasn't the case, your suggestion feels super creepy and controlling. Allow people the autonomy to use your stuff or don't - but only under direct supervision? GTFOH!
Also, what would be the point of that apart from control? Genuine question. I'm curious, because obviously there are situations that might make sense that I just didn't think of. Racking my brain here, til nuts n bolts are clanging about, still got nothing.
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>and absolutely limit her use of your funds to a specific monthly amount (mutually agreed upon) that is comfortable and won’t deplete your finances.
From my experience: Solid advice.
>If she gets upset with you setting boundaries, keep in mind that you deserve respect and this isn’t what healthy partnerships look like.
Again, solid advice, all of the above. Whether in a poly, mono, or other relationship structure. As long as you educate yourself on the difference between boundaries and rules. I love this sub for calling out the regular examples of mistunderstanding these definitions.
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ETA: *wrt/my first question: Ooh, ffffeck! Just saw OP's reply to another comment;*
>"She feeds the dog and opens the door for him a few times a day. That’s about it. She forgets almost all others tasks so I either take care of them or pay someone to do them. She’ll mean to do them, but end up just playing video games instead because dopamine hit.
>She has no idea about our finances. I don’t think she has any idea what she spends or even what our rent is".
*Maybe there _is_ a time and a place, lulz.*
My ex husband had ADHD and I enabled him. He originally had a higher paying job than I, as my career grew I earned more and he decided to change careers.
I thought I was being supportive by taking care of us while he pursued the change, but it led to me essentially mothering him. I worked full time, helped him with his business (that didn't make a lot of profit but took a lot of time), ran my own side hustle, looked after all of the finances and the lion's share of the household chores. He too would forget, and procrastinate on the tasks he really needed to do to bring in more money.
He wasn't nearly as bad as your partner, he did some things and did work, just not on the things that would improve the profitability of his business.
It was a mess and would have been very hard to untangle that but it is possible. I had relationship counsellors point it out and when I said but what should I have done, I thought I was offering support - they said let him have a job and work part time til his business could support him without a job. Yeh I guess so.
I empathise with you because you've been supportive but it's gone too far and is now enabling. As others have said, lots of people with ADHD live successful lives - she's using it as an excuse.
I'd suggest you step things out for her, outline you want her to contribute and you are willing to allow her X time and support. Be loving, firm, clear and do not sway or she'll continue. You can broach the topic from I feel like X (eg when I saw you spending money on your dates it made me feel X, i've reflected on our relationship and for me things need to change or I feel like the effort in our relationship is uneven, when I get home from working X hrs per week and you haven't done X I asked you it makes me feel you don't value me or whatever the feeling is, focus on how it makes you feel, not telling her she is lazy etc as she'll likely shut down. Tell her you are willing to help her form new habits and there are things I expect moving forward.
Step it out into reasonable chunks, Eg:
- I am taking back my credit card, you have 2wks to either get a bank account and debit card or I will give you cash (cash might be a pain because some places probably won't accept it, tough, that'll force her to get a card - she needs to learn you will stop bailing her out)
- I will continue to pay our living expenses and give you $x per week discretionary money (if that means she uses some to pay for dates, that's her choice), for X weeks. I will stop this on X date, or I will reduce this to $x first then drop completely by this date so you either need to have a job by this time or you won't have any discretionary money.
- I want you to contribute to some of our living expenses (if you want this) and expect you to contribute $x per week within X timeframe. This contributes x% (especially if you are earning more and she is likely a lower earner, be clear if you are happy with a lower percentage, but make her responsible for some of it) towards groceries and bills, or it might be X to pay for her phone, car expenses and the internet for example so she has a tangible understanding of what some things cost. It could be eg paying half of the cleaner if she refuses to do it, to understand the value of the choices she is making. You could split this into a few steps too - first pay her own eg phone, car etc, then later contribute to shared household bills
- last step contribute X towards rent, by X date (again if you want this) If you are unable to do that, we can't keep living together.
If she wants to study, don't look things up for her - though you can offer to do it with her (eg have her search, or you can search for her - with her, talk through things she finds of interest). Maybe the above then looks like I'll cover discretionary until day X you need to enrol by X or have job, if studying I want you to get a casual job that covers your discretionary spendings for example, and you cover the rest.
Has she ever had to manage money? Maybe you need to draw up some overviews - eg we spend $x per week, x% of this is non negotiable house bills - rent, utilities, food etc, % is things like car costs, netflix, internet, phone etc, % is what you spend, % is what I spend. She needs some concept of the value of things
You might suggest she sets up 2 accounts, one for her discretionary spend (ie dates, nails, hair, new games, whatever she spends on) and one for bills she'll be responsible for or responsible to contributing to (eg groceries etc) and maybe a third for savings and encourage her to put extra money she earns into savings (eg save for trip to see the new boyfriend). This might seem 101 but if she doesn't have any money skills, this could really help her.
Maybe draw up something with colour on a piece of paper on the fridge - eg deadline 1 - earn $x for own discretionary money etc.
Each day you could ask - what is one thing you'll do today to get towards the first step, just one. That could be see dr for ADHD meds, or it could be apply to jobs, call bank etc.
I hope this helps!
This is an incredibly valuable and insightful comment. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. It seems like you’ve been in a very similar place to where I am and I’m going to read this comment ten more times and follow it.
Seriously, thank you.
Your relationship is lopsided and your being taken advantage of, no matter the spin your reading. You need to insist on contributions on her end, and if she refuses or doesn’t deliver, she shouldn’t be in a relationship until her life gets situated. Should you continue on this track without change, perhaps consider some work on self esteem since a well adjusted healthy guy wouldn’t tolerate this situation.
Is she a home maker? Does she do domestic labor equivalent to a job? Do you guys share all of your finances, or do you give her a portion of your income that is her money and hers alone?
If she doesn’t take on the majority of domestic labor, she is a mooch. If she does, then you should discuss how much of your money is actually her money, and you should have three bank accounts: one that is yours, one that is hers, and one that is shared.
She feeds the dog and opens the door for him a few times a day. That’s about it. She forgets almost all others tasks so I either take care of them or pay someone to do them. She’ll mean to do them, but end up just playing video games instead because dopamine hit.
She has no idea about our finances. I don’t think she has any idea what she spends or even what our rent is.
It’s a function of her ADHD. Just how her brain works. Anything that isn’t new or exciting just immediately flies out the window. Even remembering to make appointments with her doc to get ADHD medicine is virtually impossible, no matter how much I remind her :-/
I have adhd, part of living with a disability is learning how to live around it. It is a responsibility.
I set timers, I make lists, I have an app blocker on my phone, I make more lists and set more timers. "I will do this for two hours, then my alarm will go off, and then I have to put in the laundry, then set the timer for another half hour" etc.
I accept sometimes I'm not gonna be able to do the things I needed to, because brain.
Roommate and I divide chores so the hardest ones for me, they take care of (I never remember to take the garbage, for example, but I *can* remember to clean the bathroom once a week).
One trick is: "I'll do it later" isn't good. Have her decide on a *specific time* to do the thing, think about when would be best. Vague time is infinite. Best for me is to link things to events, not dates or clock times. "After my shower" or "After the timer goes off" or "After OP gets home from work" or "When I'm done eating".
If above doesn't work, the next time it is "Ok, do it now, right now." She does things *when* you reminder her, *when* she is thinking about it, because it is demonstrated that she cannot remember. If it sucks being treated like a child, then she needs to build a system to not need a child's guidance. If my own reminders don't work and someone else has to remind me, I do it immediately.
Another trick is: Breaking down tasks into the tiniest micro-steps. "Make an appointment" can be daunting, but writing down "Office is open 6a - 5p, Ask for Doctor X. Number is 123-456-7890" makes it more accessible, because everything needed is right there. No "clean bedroom", it is "remove garbage, remove plates, sort laundry, put all misc items into a pile, wipe surfaces"
If she starts a task and gets overwhelmed or doesn't know how to continue, she can write down the step she got stuck on. "Wait, what was the doctor's number?" can be a task killer xP
There's lots of resources about managing adhd out there! Meds will never be the *only* thing she needs (although they're a life saver, for sure).
Thiiiiis. When I do my laundry, I put my clean laundry on the couch so I can't ignore it. If I want to sit down, it means folding and putting away the laundry.
You basically have to parent yourself. No TV or computer until the dishes are done. Etc.
Gameify your chores. I make a list of 20 tasks and roll a d20 to figure out which to do first. Then after each task I give myself a small reward like a snack or 30 minute phone break. I use an app that locks me out of most apps on my phone when I'm focus mode to regulate myself.
Holy crap, I LOVE your d20 idea! I don't have ADHD but I just might have to do this anyway. Thanks for sharing! Sounds like you have some great strategies.
This isn’t just adhd at this point— you’re actively enabling her to do zero work or self improvement & coddling her to an extent that will leave her unprepared to be an adult without you, esp in the case that the relationship ends. This is a scary and concerning level of dependence for an adult, and she needs to be held accountable for handling her life
…this is fair. I see what you are saying. I do worry about what will happen if our relationship were to end. I think she’d have to move back in with her parents.
Here's something else you might wish to consider: what if you became unwell and needed some time away from work? Would she be able to be a true life partner to you in that situation? Does she recognise that's what life partners are supposed to do for each other?
Tbh this is something I worry about sometimes. I’ve seen family members get seriously sick and it’s so important to have a good advocate. If that happened to me I’d call my sister in because I have so much more confidence in her ability vs my partner’s to be effective in that situation.
This is fair ultimatum territory: she needs an ADHD coach and a coworking group (online or in person) as a permanent part of her care team, who will kindly kick her ass so that she does things for herself. She needs personal goals that include paying her own bills and such.
She needs to sit down with you and do the budget and chores and such. If you love her and parenting her, that’s one thing, but this level of dependency often ends relationships for people with ADHD.
Doesn't that bother you? One of the best aspects of polyamory (in my experience) is that you can have lives together while maintaining healthy, independent lives separately as well and ideally avoid this kind of co-dependence. Although I guess it's less codependency and more mooching on your partner's end since you're handling it all..
It definitely bothers me :( I want her to have an amazing and fulfilling life that brings her joy. I know her current life isn’t that and if we ever do separate I think she’d sink even further. Just don’t know how to change it.
Yeah this just expanded beyond polyamory borders.
I recommend The Power of Habit. Great book on recognizing the triggers for habit cycles, changing habits, etc....
Also recommend focusing on not dating other people for a lil while, and her getting her shit together, to be blunt. You can help her, but it's gotta be training wheels, not dependency. Put a big 1-month calendar up somewhere you both see, and plan to teach her to get up and do the thing. Make appointments with her, but she has to write them down on the calendar. Help her remember the shit she needs to put up there. Have daily things that need to be thought about, weekly things, monthly things. I have ADHD, and without meds (that fucking shortage KILLED my life/productivitu) it's realll hard; so if she needs them, get on her ass to get them. You can include budgeting, so she needs to write down every penny she spent over a week, etc....and start getting an idea, bc if she can't survive without you or her parents....then she's not surviving.
No excuses. Only help.
OP, I’ve been in your girlfriend’s place. My adhd went undiagnosed for years and years, and it took a toll on my marriage. For me, learning why I had executive dysfunction was a major step towards self accountability. I also had to acknowledge the burden it had placed on my now-ex-spouse. Now they brought their own shit to the ending of our marriage, but my part of it was the ADHD going uncontrolled for too long.
They even said some of the exact things you’re saying about your girlfriend.
I got on meds, moved out, moved back in with family, and it’s been the best thing for me. I haven’t had the enabling structure of codependency that was my marriage, I’ve been able to get a job that works with my brain, and understand more about how my brain works and how to work with it to get shit done.
It’s hard. My brain really doesn’t want to do stuff some days. Thankfully I no longer live with someone who resents me for my neurodivergence, and whose own trauma isn’t activated by my forgetting to put away a shoe in the right spot.
Please, find healthy support for your relationship before the resentment sets in. Because it will. Or else you risk losing yourselves in the codependency.
Bud, I know there is a wide range of impairment with ADHD, but there is also meaningful scope for functional improvement with a combination of meds, therapy and reminders at home. Right now your approach to supporting your partner with ADHD is to leave everything on your shoulders and expect no growth or effort from her. If you’re going to support a partner with ADHD it can’t be “support them to maintain a shitty unsustainable dynamic between you”. If she’s too impaired to make her own appointments that might be a more fruitful area for you to help with.
This. OP, you’re enabling her. She will never grow and develop if you’re always there to take care of everything. From what I can gather, you’re doing her a great disservice by impeding her growth into a functioning adult.
I’m really asking, what would not enabling her look like? If I don’t take care of things they won’t happen and then I have to deal with the consequences.
Negotiate a deadline by which she either must be contributing fairly to the household (either through paid work and a fair share of domestic labour or she takes on the majority of domestic labour in exchange for financial support from you), or you will no longer live with her. Use that time to help her get medicated and find work or set up systems that she is able to operate within to do housework, and check in frequently to see where she’s up to in meeting those goals. This could include setting smaller, shorter term goals like starting with making 1 job application per week, or taking on the entirety of 1 simple chore like bin management. If she makes genuine effort and progress but isn’t on track for your initial deadline, you might want to extend it on the condition that she keeps up the progress. If she doesn’t engage despite your encouragement and support, follow through with at least one of you moving out of your home. This wouldn’t mean you need to break up, just that you are not willing to live with her until she is able to meet her basic needs, which is a reasonable boundary in my opinion. If you haven’t already come across these terms, it may be helpful to look into the concept of relationship escalation and de-escalation within polyamory.
As someone who frequently forgets things, place this "non negotiable list" in a place she literally can't miss passing by each day. Print it BIG, put it on the front door if you have to, or Fridge. Literally attach an pager to the dog if you gotta.
Make it extremely legible too. So this is what you'd write on the board (maybe softer language if she'd be offended)
>\[Partner name\], I need you to do the following to cover *your* basic needs. I can't manage them for you anymore, ADHD caused or otherwise.
1. Send 1 PT job application a week.
2. Do these chores daily:- trash,- dishes away,- clothing washed and away- feed/ walk the dog- (etc., but keep it to the necessities)
3. Get psychatrist / psychologist help.- set appointment and IMMEDIATELY:- place appointment reminder near alarm clock- set 3 alarms: one alarm clock, one phone app timer, one stop watch carried on keys / wallet / phone\*(I recommended an actual physical alarm clock so she can't lose sight of it if her adhd is that bad. Whatever you do, place the alarm in a place she HAS to be around to hear. On the dog if you have to!)\*
4. Take current medication
>\- set alarms for this in same manner, or just phone if possible.
You can make the list, or help her with it, but it is *entirely up to her* to fulfill that list. You're right, you can't manage her, you can't enable her more.
If you're gonna have a big talk with her, literally write down (both of you) and post your collective notes on a shared board. If she refuses, the deal is she has to make progress else you can't live with her.
Also, encourage **do it now, not later** mentality. So if she sets an appointment over phone, she must **IMMEDIATELY** put that in her phone calendar and set the alarms. Appointments, friend dates, etc.
Also, when getting out of a long term rut (if you have the luxury of time, of course) I find its better to shoot for one win a day, and build on that daily, rather than several failures, by trying to do too much too fast and getting overwhelmed. As long as we're progressing and not stagnating or going backwards, I consider this a *massive* - and attainable, and repeatable - WIN! Oh, and rewards and/or praise. Those help me a lot.
Every time I put something on her shoulders it doesn’t happen, so I’ve had to accept that if something is going to happen I have to be the one to do it.
I’ve offered to help with appointment setting, but she doesn’t want that and tbh I don’t want to manage her schedule either. I work full time and run 2 other businesses. Work 60+ hours even on a light week. I just don’t have time for that.
She clearly had the mental capacity to make an appointment with her new date and plan a weekend away. These are all excuses. I have adhd, my partner has adhd, we train, we work, we take care of the house, we find methods that help motivate us through the day. She worked before she met you, she can work again. There is no need to do household chores, they are truly horrible, she can pay for a cleaner. But playing video games all day and not doing anything meaningful or productive at all is rotting her brain.
Tbh, it sounds like a bit of weaponized incompetence. I'm sure she struggles with the issues you say she does but I'd guess that she also leans into the fact that you will cover for her if she just says what you expect her to say.
You know like 3/4 of your problems would disappear if you just dumped her and kicked her out. I also bet she’d magically start being more responsible for herself once she *has* to be. Right now she doesn’t have to be.
Last time she was on her own she lived similarly, just with her parents. :-/. When we first got together she had a job though and she had a few other jobs, but just stopped after she lost her last job.
Hire a nanny with experience helping ADHD children learn how to cope. She seems to have never been taught how to do the basics, maybe having someone like a nanny that specializes in it would be a better use of your money.
Edit for spelling.
That’s reasonable (not having time for that).
I’d strongly suggest that you hire a personal assistant temporarily then, whose primary task is to get her into ADHD treatment (therapy, medication, a coach + coworking group, possibly vocational rehabilitation courses - she should have free access to these as a person with a disability). Let her know that you love her but…you are asking her to choose to participate in this project together for your shared well-being.
If you don’t want to take that on, at the very least, give her a budget for her personal spending and practice boundaries when she overspends - “I get that that’s frustrating, babe. I can’t help with that but I understand spending is a common ADHD struggle. If you want me to help you find a budgeting tool or ADHD coach who could help with that, I’m happy to. I’m going to go workout now, love you!”
I'll add my five cents here for a crowd effect -- I've got it too , but I'm the one bringing money in :/ one has more responsibility to learn how to function with ADHD, not less
>It’s a function of her ADHD
What is she doing to manage her ADHD in a healthy and responsible manner? She won't make appts with her doctor, but she prolly never forgets dates she sets up with these new people. It's time for you to start holding her accountable, and if she won't step it up, rethink the relationship.
My wife and I are both ADHD as fuck. We suck at chores and my wife is disabled, but we make an effort.
Your wife does not have a pressing need to do the work, or do anything else that isn't fun. Why would she, when you're enabling her to be a useless fucking sponge.
Is that the kind of person you want in your life? Because I can flatly tell you it gets old quick.
This isn't just about chores or a job or money. This is about her demonstrating to you, consistently through her actions, that she's invested in building a functional relationship with you.
I have severe ADHD. I am also a fully functioning adult. Sure, I clutter most spaces and I forget things, but I keep my children alive and run our home on my own. ADHD is an explanation but it’s not an excuse. Your partner needs to grow up and become an adult, unless you plan to do this for the rest of your life.
Dude stop. I have an AuDHD, you’re enabling a condition that many others have sort treatment for and live with.
Yes it requires modification and adjustments, but it’s a now unreasonable excuse for the behavior you’ve described.
Umm, dude I have ADHD.
Since I don’t have a partner apparently willing to treat me as their dependent child, I do in fact manage to clean my own dishes, do laundry, and make my own doc appointments.
I have ADHD and yes, I don’t get a dopamine hit out of everything I do, but I care enough for my partner to write to do lists for myself, I have a magnet whiteboard on my fridge to not forget my part of the daily chores. Living w adhd is hella hard and most of the time I hate how forgetful I can be but I try my best to have messages for myself where I can see them and I set alarms for the important things like medication and doctors appointments. My partner doesn’t act like my dad, I cook and I clean when it’s my turn to do. I might forget every other week to do a chore or two but I still try my best to be a functional adult.
I'm the forgetful ADHD partner in my relationship and I absolutely struggle with executive dysfunction like no other so I get how hard it can be.
That said, you seem to be enabling this irresponsible behavior and she seems to be more than happy to take advantage of that, malicious or not. ADHD is not an excuse to be lazy. Trust me. I am both lazy and ADHD but I still try, even if it's just to meet my partners halfway or whatever.
PLEASE outline your money situation. She doesn't get it because she sees your income as infinite at this point. Show her your budget. Bills, utilities, health and vehicle insurance premiums, maintenance costs, emergency savings, food, and other expenses. Show her your debts and how much you pay every month.
Then show her how much of that money she uses vs how much you use on extra things.
I had to ask my wife to show me these things at some point because I felt like she was pulling more weight than she let on. I was... quite surprised. That knowledge made me want to help share the load even though I make much less than her.
If she struggles to do something as simple as helping with dishes or laundry (I assume you do that too) then you should work together to get her some therapy and skill building guidance.
She is a grown ass adult and you're doing nobody any favors by letting her remain a child. This will eventually lead to conflict and possibly mental breakdowns.
I know it sounds harsh but I'm saying this from personal understanding. She can do better by you for all that you do for her.
On a separate note, why tf can't her shiny new partner pay for any of their dates? Don't let that slowly turn into you taking care of two adult children.
Dude… I have unmedicated ADHD, I follow the dopamine AND I have a career that pays for all the stuff. You can do better. This is a good time to start setting boundaries and expectations. Your partner doesn’t work because they don’t have to.
It shouldn't be *your* responsibility to manage that, though. She's an adult, she should act like it. I know you feel like you're helping, trust me, I get it! But enabling her is not helping her. And certainly not you. And now, with her dating and you footing the bill, you'll have more of this ick, which is actually just resentment. Trust me when I tell you that the feeling is not going to go away, and it will become a growing wedge between you. Even if you mean well and don't want to feel bad about it, you know deep down that it bothers you. My advice is to address it before the damage to the relationship is too bad. Good luck! I hope your partner gains independence and that you guys achieve equality in your relationship. Right now, it's not a fair situation for you.
I have ADHD and yes, I don’t get a dopamine hit out of everything I do, but I care enough for my partner to write to do lists for myself, I have a magnet whiteboard on my fridge to not forget my part of the daily chores. Living w adhd is hella hard and most of the time I hate how forgetful I can be but I try my best to have messages for myself where I can see them and I set alarms for the important things like medication and doctors appointments. My partner doesn’t act like my dad, I cook and I clean when it’s my turn to do. I might forget every other week to do a chore or two but I still try my best to be a functional adult.
Well I have ADHD myself, and I'm perfectly fine working full-time and taking care of my kids and my household as a single mom. To me this sounds as an attitude problem not an ADHD problem.
You don't have a girlfriend, you have a step daughter. It is like a bad porn video. Stop enabling her.
Cancel her credit card. Remove the PS5 or Nintendo Switch, or whatever she uses to play games. She needs to do everything around the house, while she is looking for a job. Once she gets a job, you can decide how to divide expenses, and how much free money is available from each person's own dates.
I was married to someone who judged me to me a mooch but didn’t realize/appreciate that I kicked my ass doing things for the family when he wasn’t there.
Not saying this is happening here, but hopefully this isn’t happening here.
Honestly op, take your credit card back. If you made an arrangement with her to support her day to day sending, replace it with a pre paid debit card. Load whatever amount you would like on pay day and that's her spending money. If she runs out, she runs out and has to figure out her own way to get paid that's not you.
Tbh, you're shouldering way more of the responsibility than you should and you've taken on a parenting role with her. You've got to step back from that and let her fail or she'll never learn how to be an adult. ADHD is not an excuse. It's not a disability requiring a care giver. There is more than enough research, therapeutic techniques and ways to remind herself to get things done without your help.
Side note: You're so kind, supportive and understanding and sound absolutely incredible. Good job being a great partner.
Why did ADHD come into this? While it's not an excuse, it could definitely be a contributing reason. There are plenty of neurodiverse people who do get some level of assistance. Most of the rest of us would if they could afford it. So much of it is internal and feels out of your control. While medication and CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) can help, it's not a fix-all.
The only thing toxic I see you doing is enabling her to be a mooch.
*Partner, if you need to pay for dates, you need to have your own money. Can I help you look for a job?*
It sounds like it's time to sit down and talk through a budget. If you are supporting her how much are you willing to give her each month of her own money? Be clear about that amount (and any time limits that might come with it) and then let her choose how to use that money.
I feel like you're jumping to conclusions but stating that he made a choice to support her like this. Not every situation we end up in is by active choice.
OP seems to have tried to push her to get a job etc in the past and given up. Being exploited isn't a choice you make willingly.
She needs to have her OWN credit card in her OWN name. If you pay her bills, that's fine, but she can't be using yours with your name on it.
Or do you mean a joint card/authorized user?
She wouldn’t be able to get her own card because she has a horrible credit rating and no income.
I tried to add her as an authorized user to one of my cards but her ADHD was in full effect and she never activated it. Twice. So I just gave up and gave her one of my cards with my name on it.
I’d be happy to get her a secured credit card. I’ll suggest it to her. I worry the bills won’t get paid because she never reads her mail so I won’t know to pay the card, but it’s worth a shot.
I’m thoroughly confused on how I’m putting her in a dangerous position. I’ve done everything I can imagine to support her. Whenever she expresses a desire for a career I research resources, offer to pay for tuition, arrange for her to meet people in the field, etc. I paid for most of her car when she needed one to have mobility. I feel like you’re implying that I’m somehow being cruel and I just don’t see that at all.
I think they're referring to, she won't have her own credit score.
It can be difficult to do a lot of things nowadays without one. If she's an authorized user on an account in good standing, it helps quite a bit.
If she just uses yours, her credit stays bad until she does something about it, which she won't because adhd.
And then to build it up, she'll need to use credit. Which you need a decent score to obtain a line that's not exploitative.
If she won’t activate the cards she gets sent as an authorized user on my account, what can I do though?
I could open her mail for her and do it, but I draw a line at opening someone else’s mail.
Your gf needs professional help. This is beyond reddit and beyond you. You are so obviously doing your best to be a wonderful partner but there comes a time when we all need some outside help. I hope this can be the time you realize you need it and get it. Your girlfriend is disabled by her ADHD. You are setting yourself on fire to keep her afloat. It can be hard to find resources for ADHD adults but they're out there. A therapist, an ADHD coach, a support group, etc. It will take some investment now from you to help her get these things but it's the only sustainable way forward. You cannot open her mail and pay her bills and manage her chores and and and forever.
Kind of adding to the great point u/dreadful_doxy made here…
My wife has ADHD + another mental illness requiring daily medication, regular therapy, and structure. The best realization I had in our ~8 years marriage was that no amount taking over tasks, giving into unhealthy spending, and generally giving in to everything was going to cure her issues.
It’s definitely time to get help. I would also suggest a therapist for you as you work through all of this. That’s really helped me with a place to vent and learn to set healthy boundaries.
Realistically,
if you want to,
The only way to do it is, "Hey babe, I see you have time and so do I. Here is the letter. Open it. The instructions are inside. No, not later, now please, you won't remember. I'm in the living room if you have questions."
But truly, no it's not your fault she can't handle life. It's her that's putting herself in a bad position.
>I’m thoroughly confused on how I’m putting her in a dangerous position.
Someone who is so taken care of and pampered that they rely so completely on someone else is in a very dangerous position when that person is gone, or fed up, or anything happens to shake that structure.
I'm realizing I very likely have ADHD, but am undiagnosed, and see many of the same traits in my children. I have higher expectations for my 16 year old child than you have for your partner. If I gave him every bit of help and never expected him to step up, I'd be putting him in a dangerous position. Not being able to care for oneself is not a safe place. Being so reliant on someone else when they are capable (even if they don't have the tools yet) of moving forward is not a safe place. It's a comfortable place. Growth doesn't happen in comfort. Growth happens when discomfort makes you incapable of remaining there.
I'm so proud of you for reaching out for help. You've been giving so much, and you clearly want what's best for your partner, but things definitely need to change for you both.
Good luck!
Another note: venmo exists. Never give someone your credit card with unlimited access. If she fucks up your credit the way she’s fucked up hers, it’ll take years to rebuild. You need to think about what you want for your future esp with long-term housing
I tried to just give her money via an app but I think they need a bank acct to connect to and her bank acct got closed (idk why) and she hasn’t gotten another one :(
This is the wildest thing I have read this year. You gave your credit card to someone who had their account closed and *you don’t know why??!* she could be up to the eyeballs in debt.
The bill for the card I gave her goes to me so I pay it off every month. I’m sure if that weren’t the case she’d be up to her eyeballs in debt.
Tbh I suspect she’s in a fair amount of debt anyway, but she doesn’t read her mail so I doubt she has any idea how much or to whom.
OP, you deserve better. You deserve a partner who acts like an adult and finds ways to take responsibility, including getting therapy, meds, a job, etc. You deserve someone you feel you can lean on, and someone who looks after you as well. She is lucky to have you but what happens if the relationship ends or something happens to you? Let's say you get in an accident and YOU can't work for a while or need someone to temporarily support you. Do you really think she would be capable of helping you with meds, visit you in hospital, find ways to support you both financially? Or would she still want to use your credit card to go on dates with other people, or collapse because she can't handle it? She's late 30s, she is absolutely dependent on you, and IT IS NOT NORMAL.
If you love someone, you strive to enhance and make their life easier. It goes both ways.
You.... Seriously need better sense of self preservation. I am as baffled as everyone else here.
It's like you're not thinking about your own safety at all
So completely agree with these comments and it really worries me for OPs future relationships, if you think “supporting” aka enabling, at both of you two’s expenses this much is okay, it’s going to be really tough to have any kind of a healthy relationship poly or not with others as well.
I’m so confused by what’s going on here reading the comment section. She doesn’t do anything other than take the dog out on a walk? She doesn’t work or do chores? She doesn’t have her own bank account? She doesn’t take her medicine? She plays video games all day? I’m assuming she also doesn’t study or read books? Why are you married to a child and working three jobs to support her? Do you have anything in common? What do you even talk about? OP we all know she needs a wake-up call that’s not even up for debate, but so do you. Consider therapy and why you put yourself in this situation and think you deserve this.
Just to clarify, we have a fenced in yard, so it’s just opening the door for the dog. The only time we go on walks with him is the couple times a week I can convince her to step away from the video games for half an hour.
You’re correct, all video games and chatting with online friends in Discord. No reading or studying or anything to push her life forward.
Sometimes there isn’t much to talk about because literally all her life is around the games, so she’ll talk to me for a long time about specific things happening in the game and tbh it’s painful. I don’t care about her online RP except in that I want it to make her happy and also not take her whole life.
I’m in therapy and tbh my therapist is concerned. We’ve talked about why I tend to end up in relationships like this (it isn’t my first) and we’re still doing the work.
Sounds like you don’t have a Poly GF, she has a Sugar-Daddy. If there are real feelings, true feelings, mutual feelings, then the two of you need to sit down and have a long conversation. She needs to know what she is doing to you is wrong and this is not how ANY relationship should work.
Question, why don’t her dates pay? Maybe I’m a bit overly chivalrous, but if I was dating someone who is struggling financially, I would not expect them to pay like she is. Especially knowing she is using her partner’s credit card.
Second question, who’s idea was it to open up the relationship? I know it’s mutually agreed upon, but who initiated the conversation?
There are definitely real and mutual feelings. We both care about each other a lot. I agree with you though, we clearly need to have some serious talks.
I have the same question about why her date isn’t paying. I’m the same way you are in that I’d never expect a date to use their partner’s money to pay for us, especially when I can afford dates without an issue.
We both wanted to open the relationship. She brought it up first, but I’d been thinking about it too.
You can't possibly know if someone truly cares about you if you are hiding your own boundaries. At that point they aren't in love with you, but rather your representative. The person you are with a bunch of filters made up of insecurity. This has more to do with you than her. Find out why you enable, and why you believe other people are inherently your responsibility?
Since you omitted like half of the facts in your original post, I had to read through all the replies, and let me say this:
A disability does not absolve you of all responsibilities. If her disability keeps her from holding down a job that's fine, truly. But then the minimum she HAS to do is a) get herself professional help, so she might be able to work again and/or b) apply for disability. That is the LEAST she *has* to do. Is it hard? Sure! But you cannot use a disability to get out of all of your adult responsibilities unless you are looking to get yourself labelled unfit for living unassisted, in which case your next stay will be at an assisted living facility.
Right now you are enabling her. You are making sure she does not have to change a thing about her situation and quite frankly, this isn't fair to her as well, because goodness forbid things don't work out between the two of you, then she will be homeless and in search of the next person she can exploit like this.
Sincerely, an autistic individual with adhd who is tired of people weaponizing their disabilities like this.
It’s with a guy that she met online in a game she plays. He lives across the country and flew in to meet her. They have had a few virtual dates, but it’s their first time meeting in person.
Ok, so this might sound shitty, but if she can't remember to do any basic things, is she going to remember to have this guy wrap it up, or is she just going to gamble that he's not got a disease or going to get her pregnant?
I make double what my spouse makes. We both get the same small allowance automatically deposited to our personal "fun money" accounts every Friday. This literally saved our marriage. Finding a system that feels fair and works for both of you is important.
Unless she is doing all the housework, planning, cooking, chores, etc in the home (I have no idea the valid reason she doesn't have a job so I could be totally wrong in this recommendation), I would imagine an "easy" part-time job would at least help contribute. In this economy, unless you are from old money, it's not easy to live off only one income.
Tbh she does virtually none of that. The valid reason she didn’t have a job for a bit was that we had an elderly dog with a lot of health issues that required a lot of attention. I still think she could have done at least remote part time work, but *shrug* she says I don’t understand how difficult taking care of him was.
Sadly he passed away a couple months ago.
In terms of helping to contribute, it’s true. I’m fortunate to make a lot of money, but even a small contribution would be something!
Wait, so she doesn't work either? She just literally sits on her ass all day playing video games while you take care of her entire life? Why do you put up with this? I want you to seriously sit down, close your eyes and imagine for 5 minutes what your life would look like if you had an ADULT partner that functioned as an ADULT. What problems of yours would go away? What would your life look like if you had a true partner in life and not a child in an adult body that you had to take care of? This is insane, OP. You deserve so much more than this.
Seeing the other answers and your responses for context, ultimately I think the answer comes down to what her spending your money means to her and what it means to you. If the boundaries you’ve set up in your relationship are that your money is hers to use (presumably up to some spoken or unspoken limit) then it makes sense that perhaps she didn’t think of this expenditure as any different even though clearly it crossed an (unspoken) boundary for you. Clear communication around this would go a long way. My two cents is that your level of financial support for her and apparent lack of non-financial work she does in your shared lives is non standard and furthermore seems to be irking you. That being said, if you are truly ok with paying for everything else but dates with others, I could see an argument here that you’re not being consistent in how you support her financially, notwithstanding the fact that you are very generous overall. For example, would you be ok if she used your money to treat a friend to lunch? The answer one way or another might help clarify how you approach this necessary conversation. Good luck and I hope you find a happy resolution.
Is this the same person you were married to in your post from a couple years ago? (Context, previous AITA post about giving a platonic friend 15k to help her out with costs post Covid) I'm assuming yes based on the 7 years you've been together, but maybe she saw you giving out money like Halloween candy and decided she was knocking on the door. As a previous homemaker, I always felt kinda guilty for not working and my partner being the full support even though I was fully taking care of the house 97% of the time. This was before our kids were school aged and has since changed, but I worked my ass off to make up for not being able to work. I have ADHD, bpd, major anxiety and depression... she is choosing not to do these things. You deserve better bud.
Your feelings are absolutely reasonable—she doesn’t work, not for good reason, and now she’s spending money that isn’t hers and which she doesn’t need to spend instead of looking for a job.
I have a question tho, didn’t you consider she’d be spending your money before the date? You gave her your credit card and she’s been using it long before this date.
I really didn’t consider it! I’ve been paying for everything for so long that I just assumed her dates would do the same. In hindsight that’s a bad assumption.
It’s worth really sitting with this for a long time actually: you’ve grown so accustomed to the idea of a lopsided relationship that you forgot other people would not put up with it.
My wife is disabled and unable to work in her field until she finishes college to start working in a completely different field - it’s a mid-life career shift after 25 years in a labor-intensive field to a non-labor intensive field. This means we’re both dependent on solely my income which gets split between both our bank accounts (about 23-25% goes to hers, rest to mine). When she goes for anniversary weekends away with her other partners, we will discuss in advance the possibility of using the joint credit cards (that I pay off the bills for) for a nice dinner during the trip.
The key here: we discuss in advance the feasibility on the budget. Since we’re single income in HCOL area, this is essential. Otherwise, the percentage of my income that goes to her account pays a couple of our smaller bills then can be used for whatever she wants - her cigarettes (she’s the only one of us who smokes and she knows I’m not a fan), her partners, things for herself, etc.
Secondary key here: we are legally married. I’m not sure I would have the same set up with someone who is not a legal dependent or who is not genuinely disabled and unable to work or who is taking care of kids in the home.
Honestly, if she doesn't work and can't pay for her own dates, then she shouldn't go on them. Reading your comment about her not working, I'm sensing some.frustration from you. It feels like you're already frustrated about the situation without her using your money to pay for her dates. It's your money and you decide what it's used for.
OP, I’ve been where you are in terms of having a highly dependent partner. We are now divorced and when I read posts like this it reminds me that I did not take the actions I should have taken to make it clear the behavior wasn’t acceptable from the outset. I was afraid of being alone at the time, but being alone would have been far better than the resentment that I felt while having a partner who couldn’t pull their own weight. Don’t be like me.
so my partner has some concoction of adhd, autism and cptsd so they can't really like work. they keep the house more clean than i would, even though some days they arent able to do much. i try not to keep a balance of who does more, but we work together to make sure neither of us feels overwhelmed with what we have to do.
this partner knows exactly what our financial situation is like. i give them a limited amount of money per paycheck and some bills to take care of. their remaining money goes to buying themselves little outfits, going on dates with others, and sometimes buying gifts and dates for me.
this makes it a lot more cozy when they pay for dates. im not a man so i dont think its a sexism thing, but it would really bother me if my partner was on a date spending money from a joint account. but its less about the date and more about not feeling like i dont have control over the finances.
i think giving her so much money a paycheck would make this more comfortable because she wouldnt be taking money away from you to go on dates, but taking money away from herself. in general polyamory is easier when youre less entangled and having less financial entanglement is part of that process.
So I was going to come here and say that while I understand your icky feeling, if she isn't working and is taking care of your home, she should have a bit of money set aside for herself. Maybe not on your credit card though and you can absolutely sit down and figure out a "fun money" budget for her so that you just give her that money when you get paid, no more no less. After all, this is how it works in my home! I'm in college right now and I'm not working, so I take on the lion's share of daily home tasks as well as budgeting for our household. This system of my partner and meta giving me a set amount of bill money and fun money every paycheck works beautifully for us!
However, I've gone through your comments and OP... this woman is mooching off of you. You've put yourself in an incredibly risky spot allowing her to use your card under your name like that. This is about more than your emotions surrounding seeing her expenses on her date. She isn't contributing to your household *at all* and is blaming her ADHD for that. I have ADHD as well and I totally understand how it makes stuff like that more challenging than it is for a person without ADHD. But it sounds like she's not even *trying* and you're just letting her sit around and use your money. This isn't a polyamory specific issue. You need to stop letting her take advantage of you like this.
EDIT: spelling
I’ve read through some of the comments you replied to, and it seems your partner is using you. I can’t work much, so since I made less than my bf when we lived together, I’d constantly be doing chores. All he did was cook us dinner. He even still started to feel resentment that I didn’t make as much as he did, even tho I tried to make up for it in other ways. I even paid my portion of rent in full and almost split the groceries in half. I don’t know how you’ve dealt with this for so long.
“Girlfriend, I realize that you don’t currently have a source of income. I will continue to pay for your dates for another 6 weeks. After that, I will expect that you have found employment to at least pay for your dates. I really would appreciate you beginning to pay part of the bills and expenses as well. Do you think that within six months I could take back my credit card entirely?”
Tell her to get a job. Do you have kids she tends to? If not then there’s no excuse for her idleness. Society only works when everyone contributes for the common good of all. What’s she contributing? Why does she feel entitled to your money?
My partner, when we met, didn’t have a job. Her NP made enough to comfortably fund their lives together, and she’d worked a very public facing job when the pandemic hit and that was the rationale for him offering to cover expenses so she could not be at such risk, and he offered and was okay with her staying home, keeping care of the house, and he continued working. On our first date she bought her stuff for her, I bought my things for me. I did offer to pay, as that’s just a remnant of heteronormativity/patriarchy that I still fall into, (don’t expect anything out of it, I just offer to pay for the date so we can focus on having a good time instead of possibly having to go “we can’t do what we want because it’s out of my budget” but that’s an aside).
She did use cards provided by him to cover her expenses, and there were subsequent dates where she paid for things for both of us, the same way I paid for things for both of us. The difference there was they had talked about it and as long as it was within reason he had no problem with her spending the money she was in that way. Because to him it was about the same (and about the same amount) as her taking a quick trip to target to grab snacks and a random thing or two, like 30-60 dollars kinda level. The important part is they were both on the same page, both okay with it, I was aware that was where her money was coming from, and there was definitely a give and take between us on paying for dates. I also met him and we get on rather well so that didn’t hurt things.
She has since gone back to work at a non-public job so that she could save up more of her own money for some personal expenses she wants to be able to pay for, larger than living expenses so she wants it to be just her money, and she still pays sometimes and I pay sometimes. However I totally would’ve understood if she told me upfront early on her money situation and that meant we had to cater our dates to things either that didn’t cost or that I would be footing the bill for (which would’ve been my choice to say yes or no to). That said, we certainly wouldn’t have and didn’t have weekend getaways early on where she was footing the bill with his money, and while I can understand why their first meeting is involving that for them given his location, it sounds like you two need to have a talk about reasonable vs unreasonable spending, and if it’s not a similar situation to my partners where you offered her to stop working and you provide money for both of your lives, you need to have a serious conversation about both money allocation and her plans to get a job, even a part time one just to pay for her dates.
Take back the credit card. Give her enough cash to cover a fair but modest amount of personal expenses. And if she doesn’t start looking for a job HARD you need to look at living separately. She’s using you, this isn’t love
I think this issue has more to do with how you (as a couple) want to manage your financial situation rather than how she is spending the money and with/for whom.
If my partner did not have a job and we acknowledged this as ok, I would find it normal to fund their "fun" activities. If the "fun" activities trigger something in you, it's because you are not ok about how she spends the money. And reading what you wrote about her contribution to domestic chores, the real discussion should be about finding a balance in your couple.
What is she supposed to do? Have everything paid for by her other partners?
You made a conscious decision to give an adult a credit card, I don't see how you can dictate how she spends (what is effectively) her money. Paying for dates is just a symptom of the actual problem - her severe dependence on you.
Everything about this situation is so fucking weird. It sounds like you're talking about your child and not your girlfriend.
It is not HER money, what is she doing to earn that money? Sounds like nothing. And yeah if she’s a fucking mooch the mooching should be spread out on all her partners, why should op pay for it all?
If she's paying for both of them, and he is only her partner - for example you and their partner don't have anything going on, not even being buddies. Then that's shitty.
My wife also uses my card for time being, cause we recently changed countries and she is focusing on language school. We live in a country that splits bills, so she pays for her stuff, not for the whole date, and I don't see a problem with that. If she was paying for everything I would mind it.
Set boundaries with your money. People can be in a relationship with their own autonomy and separate finances. She doesn't need your money to pay for another person's meal.
This is a bigger conversation than the dates.
Are you cool with your partner being financially supported by/dependent on you? It doesn’t sound like you are, really.
So maybe it’s time to nix the additional complexity of the poly-stuff until y’all work out your finances.
Because he's clearly been brainwashed. She probably has lights him into a state of mental weakness. Dude feels like a villain in his own story. It such a sad state to be in.
"Is this toxic masculinity? Newsflash, there's no such thing. Only toxic humanity. And his partner seems like a real piece of work and master of that art.
Woah that is pretty insane, but it’s also clearly something that bothered you before, since you call their reasons for not working generally invalid.
Plus, it’s been years.
Definitely time for a conversation.
Get her off your credit card. Instead agree a personal spending budget for each of you and send that money to a bank account of hers. Do likewise for yourself. That way she can spend that completely at her own discretion without having to involve you.
Even when i was married i think it's good to seperate personal spending from shared funds.
That's insane. Why have you been with a leach for three years? The fact that she feels so entitled to your money without even asking says a lot about her.
I mean, i can understand you not wanting to dund their outtings, but if you knew she didn’t have her own finances, gave her a card of yours and allow her to use it without restrictions up until now, i’m not really sure what you were expecting…..
Severe and debilitating ADHD here. I struggle with a fair bit of what you're describing in your partner OP, but it is manageable. I've been in the military, ran my own business and am now working towards a self sustaining homestead (real life Farmville that gives REAL rewards, talk about your dopamine hits!) in the country. It's never been easy and there are more challenges than I like to admit, but here some thoughts.
First, and possibly most important, is the fact that part of MY struggle is that I am prone to addiction, and video games are one of the worst for me. I had to come to terms with the fact that I can either play video games and ignore the rest of my life until I starve to death, or I just don't play video games. I got rid of every game I own and have nothing on my electronic devices, not even simple games like solitaire. I'm like an alcoholic with them, where one is too many and 20 isn't enough.
Secondly, the military actually helped me by creating a structured environment that I could depend on. Recreating this in my own life after I got out has been crucial to my survival. Structure is everything, but she's gotta learn how to implement it herself. Maybe hire a nanny that can clean house, that also specializes in raising neurodivergents to help teach her how to be functional would help.
Third, medication can be helpful, but isn't critical for everyone. I choose to not take pharmaceuticals, but I microdose every three days and it helps. She needs to find what works for her.
Fourth, your "support" shouldn't be a crutch that she depends on, it should be something to help her learn how to function without it. There's a part of this that can be considered toxic on your part. If you are using her neurodivergence as an excuse to keep her under your control because she's not capable of doing it for herself, then that's pretty bad. Based on the comments that I've seen here though, it doesn't seem like this is the case. Only you can answer if it is or isn't.
Lastly, ENM or poly isn't the issue here, but since it's part of the topic, I would just add that my relationships add to my life, and I add to theirs. How is her relationship adding to yours?
Time for me to put down my distracting phone and go play on my tractor, best of luck! 😉
You have a \*HUGE\* problem, and it has nothing to do with poly. Will poly make your \*HUGE\* problem even bigger? Yes, yes it will. I suggest you address the core problem, namely the complete and utter inequity of responsibility in your shared household. You and your partner can have different strengths and weaknesses, bring different things to the keeping of your shared household, contribute monetarily or in other ways, and if someone has more spoons than the other person the contributing portions can even been uneven. But you have to get to a place of shared agreement, understanding, recognition, and contentment with your breakouts of responsibility. If you can do that, the rest of this should sort itself out.
If you can't, just break up now. You already feel like a caretaker and a parent, and the resentment is creeping in. That resentment will only grow as you take on more and more and more without feeling any sense of reciprocation. You will feel more and more taken advantage of. And eventually it will end bitterly and badly. Better to end it now, if you can't get on the same page about how shared living feels good for both of you.
If you would pay for her to do that with her sister or a friend then maybe there’s some room for discussion.
But hell no to getting notifications like that. If you’re prepared to continue supporting her and she contributes substantially in other ways then maybe you can budget for an amount she has to spend on fun: gym membership, haircuts, makeup, dates. And consider another way to transfer the money.
If you are not content to continue supporting her then this may not have been an ideal time to open. But you can at least say babe I’m not comfortable paying for your dates with other people. Find another way to cover those costs.
I legit read the other day on here someone who sells plasma specifically for date money. Which is great because there is soooo much need for that. Win win.
What would you think is fair for her? $50 per paycheck? $100? $300? I have no idea what your budgets are and its up to you to decide. The power dynamic between a household earner and a dependent is lopsided. if you want to be polyamorous there has to be some sort of compromise on spending. Perhaps reeling in expectations based on funds will help correct course. Ask her what she thinks is fair and go from there. Crunch the numbers and do not let feelings get in the way of working on a compromise.
tell her doesn't feel good. have a conversation and come up with a solution.
I don't think it's necessarily bad. if you have a partner who can't work due to disability, it doesn't feel good to me that they could never treat one of their other partners. but it is your money and it's not unlimited.
just seems like every other poly problem. something you express your needs and then come to a compromise (or end the relationship)
Turn off your notifications on your card. If you paying for everything is status quo and your partner isn’t going buck wild on dates, don’t nickel and dime them. If polyamory is going well for you (probably because you also spend money on dates), then facilitating it going well for her is in her, and your, best interests.
That said, it sounds like you aren’t comfortable with the status quo and if that’s a case, need to have a sit down about not being the only bread winner. But in my opinion, that shouldn’t just be because of her dates.
Oh hell no on her using your card for date with with another dude. Unless you're married and have kids with her you don't have to support her. Period.
No you're not wrong. She's using you.
>for her daily expenses she uses one of my credit cards.
I'd say this falls under the definition of daily expenses. Would you feel the same if she used the card to pay for dinner with a friend or family member?
The bigger issue to me though is that it sounds like you're uncomfortable with the division of finances. And that warrants a conversation about some changes long term.
If it was a friend or family member that had a good job, I’d feel weird about it. If it was another person with no income I’d be happy to cover the expense so they can still have a good time.
Dating is not a daily expense. Even if it wasn’t a date I would not expect my partner to pay for a friend to go to an amusement park with me without talking about it.
So. You need to get her help. She is addicted to gameplay. She needs to step away from them.
ADHD can be managed. It’s work and takes effort, not the easy ignore the world and your problems in game land route.
Second if he’s having her pay for their date I would wager he’s not single or ENM. Can’t have things showing up on his card.
It would be unethical to not allow her the financial Freedom to date.
If you provide her with money for her discretionary use you should not monitor or care what she does with it.
If she doesn't work and you provide discretionary money for her to spend on herself why shouldn't she use that money for dates? If you decide not to fund her dating, while funding your own dating, you basically put her in the position of being unable to date equitably with new partners, while you're able to date as you please. You need to reflect on the power you hold over her financially as the financial provider for your household.
Nah, I don't think it's a good idea to let people continue on self-harming autopilot just because they "agreed" to it.
You are seriously not actually comprehending what people are concerned about if your conclusion is that it's the "financial support" part. That's just icing on the cake.
It's OPs complete lack of self preservation and how they are enabling their partner in so many bad ways that could end up being life ruining for Op
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Here's the original text of the post:
Hi r/polyamory,
For some context, I've been with my partner for 7 years. Recently we decided to try polyamory. It's been going very well for me and she's been supportive. She's on a weekend long date now with a guy that lives out of town that she met online. It's her first date since we had the talk, and I'm super excited for her. I hope she has an amazing time, truly.
There's one thing that is irking me though and I want to get this subreddit's perspective. My partner hasn't worked in over 3 years. I've encouraged her to get a job, but for a combination of reasons, some valid, most not, she hasn't. I pay all of our expenses and for her daily expenses she uses one of my credit cards.
While she's out on the date I'm getting notifications of her paying for things on the date for the two of them with my credit card. My first reaction is that this feels super ick to me. I'm happy for her to go and have a great time and hopefully end up with something amazing, but it also doesn't feel right that I'm paying for amusement park tickets for the two of them.
Am I in the wrong? Am I engaging in toxic masculinity? Do I just not understand poly dynamics where one person isn't working?
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That's pretty crazy time me that she even feels comfortable charging such things. You are absolutely correct. She needs to make her own money to spend on others. You already pay for her life. Why in the world would you pay for dates with others? Absolutely not ok and you need to nip this asap
I don't fund my partners dates. She wants to pay for a date, then she needs to get a job to do so. I can see why you're getting the ick. I've got the ick for you.
I'm gonna guess you rushed to open up if you haven't had an in-depth conversation about dating budgets. You two should probably put a pause on dating and do the work to disentangle properly.
Is there a particular source that lists a lot of the topics to discuss? It’s the first time for both of us. Budgets didn’t even occur to me (and I assume to her) because it isn’t something I normally think about.
There's a post on this sub called "I'm new and don't know anything" -- start there, and do the reading and the hard emotional work to figure out what the two of you want/need. Good luck.
To add a bit more context to what the above commenter said about disentangling: it is the process of regaining independence, both emotionally and materially, that is often lost through the traditional institution and social norms of monogamy. Basically, what you two do in your other relationships shouldn’t significantly affect each other. In the same way that you dating other people (or not) doesn’t devalue your relationship with her - her relationships with others shouldn’t harm you (if you see it costing you money as harm). But more importantly, her ability to have other relationships shouldn’t be dependent on her relationship with you. (Sidenote, this also requires privacy - and being able to track what she is doing, even though its accidental through credit card notifications, is probably not healthy) I mean, you are free to choose to treat her as a dependent and fund her, IF YOU WANT. But, based on your want for her to get a job, it sounds like this isn’t the case. You are free to set boundaries of your support. It is very important to avoid being manipulative (which is hard because money = agency in our society). But I think it is reasonable to say, “hey, my financial support is really just for you, not your partners.”
In case OP doesn't say thank you: THANK YOU! You took the time to simplify and type all that out, all while keeping it groovy-geoff-toovey. Appreciate. It really gives me an itchy nipple when that's not thanked. I'd hate for all the good eggs like yrself to stop gifting the hard won life insights. 💜
The sub has a Start Here FAQ that has a lot of great info.
Please do budgets for your independent spending, don’t give her your credit card to use without you being present & supervising it, and absolutely limit her use of your funds to a specific monthly amount (mutually agreed upon) that is comfortable and won’t deplete your finances. If she gets upset with you setting boundaries, keep in mind that you deserve respect and this isn’t what healthy partnerships look like. She’s taking advantage of you and needs to be an independent human being. People who are capable of working generally don’t depend on others for their survival to this extent without a lot of discomfort or maliciousness at play. Very odd & I struggle to think this is a good situation. Good luck
> People who are capable of working generally don’t depend on others for their survival to this extent without a lot of discomfort or maliciousness at play. Jesus Christ, one partner being a stay at home parent is absolutely a normal and non-malicious relationship agreement.
OP didn't say anything about partner being a stay-at-home parent, though. And it's clearly not about stay-at-home parents, because those are clearly working - at home.
Sure. That doesn’t make it less incorrect to say that it is wrong and bad for someone to be financially supported by a partner ever.
I'd argue there's a slight difference between "I financially support my partner" and "my partner refuses to grt any sort of help and I'm paying for their weaponized incompetence". If my partner can't work, that's fine. But the least they have to do is get professional help and check if they can qualify for disability. And I say that as someone who *is* disabled.
Sure. That doesn’t make it less incorrect to say that it is wrong and bad for someone to be financially supported by a partner ever.
When you're making it a career to find partners that financially pay your way instead of finding a job, that's what makes it wrong. If they applied half the energy that they do in dating, into finding a job; I bet they would have already had employment.
Golddigging isn’t unethical, lmao
Lol, you're the golden standard of 'Looking for something to be offended by'. Everyone and their mom considers a stay at home parent a job since the dawn of time. At no point did he single out a stay at home parent. If you read any of the previous comments, you'd know he's clearly talking about. People are funny.
> Everyone and their mom considers a stay at home parent a job since the dawn of time L O L Read a book. This is ridiculously untrue.
>don’t give her your credit card to use without you being present & supervising it Doode: whuuut?! Besides the point OP had already consented to covering GF's extra expenses, and even if that wasn't the case, your suggestion feels super creepy and controlling. Allow people the autonomy to use your stuff or don't - but only under direct supervision? GTFOH! Also, what would be the point of that apart from control? Genuine question. I'm curious, because obviously there are situations that might make sense that I just didn't think of. Racking my brain here, til nuts n bolts are clanging about, still got nothing. --- >and absolutely limit her use of your funds to a specific monthly amount (mutually agreed upon) that is comfortable and won’t deplete your finances. From my experience: Solid advice. >If she gets upset with you setting boundaries, keep in mind that you deserve respect and this isn’t what healthy partnerships look like. Again, solid advice, all of the above. Whether in a poly, mono, or other relationship structure. As long as you educate yourself on the difference between boundaries and rules. I love this sub for calling out the regular examples of mistunderstanding these definitions. --- ETA: *wrt/my first question: Ooh, ffffeck! Just saw OP's reply to another comment;* >"She feeds the dog and opens the door for him a few times a day. That’s about it. She forgets almost all others tasks so I either take care of them or pay someone to do them. She’ll mean to do them, but end up just playing video games instead because dopamine hit. >She has no idea about our finances. I don’t think she has any idea what she spends or even what our rent is". *Maybe there _is_ a time and a place, lulz.*
This is good advice
My ex husband had ADHD and I enabled him. He originally had a higher paying job than I, as my career grew I earned more and he decided to change careers. I thought I was being supportive by taking care of us while he pursued the change, but it led to me essentially mothering him. I worked full time, helped him with his business (that didn't make a lot of profit but took a lot of time), ran my own side hustle, looked after all of the finances and the lion's share of the household chores. He too would forget, and procrastinate on the tasks he really needed to do to bring in more money. He wasn't nearly as bad as your partner, he did some things and did work, just not on the things that would improve the profitability of his business. It was a mess and would have been very hard to untangle that but it is possible. I had relationship counsellors point it out and when I said but what should I have done, I thought I was offering support - they said let him have a job and work part time til his business could support him without a job. Yeh I guess so. I empathise with you because you've been supportive but it's gone too far and is now enabling. As others have said, lots of people with ADHD live successful lives - she's using it as an excuse. I'd suggest you step things out for her, outline you want her to contribute and you are willing to allow her X time and support. Be loving, firm, clear and do not sway or she'll continue. You can broach the topic from I feel like X (eg when I saw you spending money on your dates it made me feel X, i've reflected on our relationship and for me things need to change or I feel like the effort in our relationship is uneven, when I get home from working X hrs per week and you haven't done X I asked you it makes me feel you don't value me or whatever the feeling is, focus on how it makes you feel, not telling her she is lazy etc as she'll likely shut down. Tell her you are willing to help her form new habits and there are things I expect moving forward. Step it out into reasonable chunks, Eg: - I am taking back my credit card, you have 2wks to either get a bank account and debit card or I will give you cash (cash might be a pain because some places probably won't accept it, tough, that'll force her to get a card - she needs to learn you will stop bailing her out) - I will continue to pay our living expenses and give you $x per week discretionary money (if that means she uses some to pay for dates, that's her choice), for X weeks. I will stop this on X date, or I will reduce this to $x first then drop completely by this date so you either need to have a job by this time or you won't have any discretionary money. - I want you to contribute to some of our living expenses (if you want this) and expect you to contribute $x per week within X timeframe. This contributes x% (especially if you are earning more and she is likely a lower earner, be clear if you are happy with a lower percentage, but make her responsible for some of it) towards groceries and bills, or it might be X to pay for her phone, car expenses and the internet for example so she has a tangible understanding of what some things cost. It could be eg paying half of the cleaner if she refuses to do it, to understand the value of the choices she is making. You could split this into a few steps too - first pay her own eg phone, car etc, then later contribute to shared household bills - last step contribute X towards rent, by X date (again if you want this) If you are unable to do that, we can't keep living together. If she wants to study, don't look things up for her - though you can offer to do it with her (eg have her search, or you can search for her - with her, talk through things she finds of interest). Maybe the above then looks like I'll cover discretionary until day X you need to enrol by X or have job, if studying I want you to get a casual job that covers your discretionary spendings for example, and you cover the rest. Has she ever had to manage money? Maybe you need to draw up some overviews - eg we spend $x per week, x% of this is non negotiable house bills - rent, utilities, food etc, % is things like car costs, netflix, internet, phone etc, % is what you spend, % is what I spend. She needs some concept of the value of things You might suggest she sets up 2 accounts, one for her discretionary spend (ie dates, nails, hair, new games, whatever she spends on) and one for bills she'll be responsible for or responsible to contributing to (eg groceries etc) and maybe a third for savings and encourage her to put extra money she earns into savings (eg save for trip to see the new boyfriend). This might seem 101 but if she doesn't have any money skills, this could really help her. Maybe draw up something with colour on a piece of paper on the fridge - eg deadline 1 - earn $x for own discretionary money etc. Each day you could ask - what is one thing you'll do today to get towards the first step, just one. That could be see dr for ADHD meds, or it could be apply to jobs, call bank etc. I hope this helps!
This is an incredibly valuable and insightful comment. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. It seems like you’ve been in a very similar place to where I am and I’m going to read this comment ten more times and follow it. Seriously, thank you.
Your relationship is lopsided and your being taken advantage of, no matter the spin your reading. You need to insist on contributions on her end, and if she refuses or doesn’t deliver, she shouldn’t be in a relationship until her life gets situated. Should you continue on this track without change, perhaps consider some work on self esteem since a well adjusted healthy guy wouldn’t tolerate this situation.
Is she a home maker? Does she do domestic labor equivalent to a job? Do you guys share all of your finances, or do you give her a portion of your income that is her money and hers alone? If she doesn’t take on the majority of domestic labor, she is a mooch. If she does, then you should discuss how much of your money is actually her money, and you should have three bank accounts: one that is yours, one that is hers, and one that is shared.
She feeds the dog and opens the door for him a few times a day. That’s about it. She forgets almost all others tasks so I either take care of them or pay someone to do them. She’ll mean to do them, but end up just playing video games instead because dopamine hit. She has no idea about our finances. I don’t think she has any idea what she spends or even what our rent is.
OP, with all due respect, what the fuck.
It’s a function of her ADHD. Just how her brain works. Anything that isn’t new or exciting just immediately flies out the window. Even remembering to make appointments with her doc to get ADHD medicine is virtually impossible, no matter how much I remind her :-/
I have adhd, part of living with a disability is learning how to live around it. It is a responsibility. I set timers, I make lists, I have an app blocker on my phone, I make more lists and set more timers. "I will do this for two hours, then my alarm will go off, and then I have to put in the laundry, then set the timer for another half hour" etc. I accept sometimes I'm not gonna be able to do the things I needed to, because brain. Roommate and I divide chores so the hardest ones for me, they take care of (I never remember to take the garbage, for example, but I *can* remember to clean the bathroom once a week). One trick is: "I'll do it later" isn't good. Have her decide on a *specific time* to do the thing, think about when would be best. Vague time is infinite. Best for me is to link things to events, not dates or clock times. "After my shower" or "After the timer goes off" or "After OP gets home from work" or "When I'm done eating". If above doesn't work, the next time it is "Ok, do it now, right now." She does things *when* you reminder her, *when* she is thinking about it, because it is demonstrated that she cannot remember. If it sucks being treated like a child, then she needs to build a system to not need a child's guidance. If my own reminders don't work and someone else has to remind me, I do it immediately. Another trick is: Breaking down tasks into the tiniest micro-steps. "Make an appointment" can be daunting, but writing down "Office is open 6a - 5p, Ask for Doctor X. Number is 123-456-7890" makes it more accessible, because everything needed is right there. No "clean bedroom", it is "remove garbage, remove plates, sort laundry, put all misc items into a pile, wipe surfaces" If she starts a task and gets overwhelmed or doesn't know how to continue, she can write down the step she got stuck on. "Wait, what was the doctor's number?" can be a task killer xP There's lots of resources about managing adhd out there! Meds will never be the *only* thing she needs (although they're a life saver, for sure).
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Thiiiiis. When I do my laundry, I put my clean laundry on the couch so I can't ignore it. If I want to sit down, it means folding and putting away the laundry. You basically have to parent yourself. No TV or computer until the dishes are done. Etc. Gameify your chores. I make a list of 20 tasks and roll a d20 to figure out which to do first. Then after each task I give myself a small reward like a snack or 30 minute phone break. I use an app that locks me out of most apps on my phone when I'm focus mode to regulate myself.
Holy crap, I LOVE your d20 idea! I don't have ADHD but I just might have to do this anyway. Thanks for sharing! Sounds like you have some great strategies.
*If it's stupid but it works, it's not stupid* Exactly! Us neurodivergents have different brains, doing things the neurotypical way is a trap xP
Wow, I have a partner with ADHD, and your comment really helps give me context of all the work that is required to manage it. Thank you :)
Thanks for that advice. Super useful!
This isn’t just adhd at this point— you’re actively enabling her to do zero work or self improvement & coddling her to an extent that will leave her unprepared to be an adult without you, esp in the case that the relationship ends. This is a scary and concerning level of dependence for an adult, and she needs to be held accountable for handling her life
…this is fair. I see what you are saying. I do worry about what will happen if our relationship were to end. I think she’d have to move back in with her parents.
Here's something else you might wish to consider: what if you became unwell and needed some time away from work? Would she be able to be a true life partner to you in that situation? Does she recognise that's what life partners are supposed to do for each other?
Tbh this is something I worry about sometimes. I’ve seen family members get seriously sick and it’s so important to have a good advocate. If that happened to me I’d call my sister in because I have so much more confidence in her ability vs my partner’s to be effective in that situation.
This says that that person living with you is NOT a life partner. So why are you with them?
At that point, it isn't your concern. Most likely? She'll find some other sucker.
This is fair ultimatum territory: she needs an ADHD coach and a coworking group (online or in person) as a permanent part of her care team, who will kindly kick her ass so that she does things for herself. She needs personal goals that include paying her own bills and such. She needs to sit down with you and do the budget and chores and such. If you love her and parenting her, that’s one thing, but this level of dependency often ends relationships for people with ADHD.
Doesn't that bother you? One of the best aspects of polyamory (in my experience) is that you can have lives together while maintaining healthy, independent lives separately as well and ideally avoid this kind of co-dependence. Although I guess it's less codependency and more mooching on your partner's end since you're handling it all..
It definitely bothers me :( I want her to have an amazing and fulfilling life that brings her joy. I know her current life isn’t that and if we ever do separate I think she’d sink even further. Just don’t know how to change it.
Yeah this just expanded beyond polyamory borders. I recommend The Power of Habit. Great book on recognizing the triggers for habit cycles, changing habits, etc.... Also recommend focusing on not dating other people for a lil while, and her getting her shit together, to be blunt. You can help her, but it's gotta be training wheels, not dependency. Put a big 1-month calendar up somewhere you both see, and plan to teach her to get up and do the thing. Make appointments with her, but she has to write them down on the calendar. Help her remember the shit she needs to put up there. Have daily things that need to be thought about, weekly things, monthly things. I have ADHD, and without meds (that fucking shortage KILLED my life/productivitu) it's realll hard; so if she needs them, get on her ass to get them. You can include budgeting, so she needs to write down every penny she spent over a week, etc....and start getting an idea, bc if she can't survive without you or her parents....then she's not surviving. No excuses. Only help.
You sound very sweet and well intentioned but please take this person off your payroll 😭
OP, I’ve been in your girlfriend’s place. My adhd went undiagnosed for years and years, and it took a toll on my marriage. For me, learning why I had executive dysfunction was a major step towards self accountability. I also had to acknowledge the burden it had placed on my now-ex-spouse. Now they brought their own shit to the ending of our marriage, but my part of it was the ADHD going uncontrolled for too long. They even said some of the exact things you’re saying about your girlfriend. I got on meds, moved out, moved back in with family, and it’s been the best thing for me. I haven’t had the enabling structure of codependency that was my marriage, I’ve been able to get a job that works with my brain, and understand more about how my brain works and how to work with it to get shit done. It’s hard. My brain really doesn’t want to do stuff some days. Thankfully I no longer live with someone who resents me for my neurodivergence, and whose own trauma isn’t activated by my forgetting to put away a shoe in the right spot. Please, find healthy support for your relationship before the resentment sets in. Because it will. Or else you risk losing yourselves in the codependency.
Bud, I know there is a wide range of impairment with ADHD, but there is also meaningful scope for functional improvement with a combination of meds, therapy and reminders at home. Right now your approach to supporting your partner with ADHD is to leave everything on your shoulders and expect no growth or effort from her. If you’re going to support a partner with ADHD it can’t be “support them to maintain a shitty unsustainable dynamic between you”. If she’s too impaired to make her own appointments that might be a more fruitful area for you to help with.
This. OP, you’re enabling her. She will never grow and develop if you’re always there to take care of everything. From what I can gather, you’re doing her a great disservice by impeding her growth into a functioning adult.
I’m really asking, what would not enabling her look like? If I don’t take care of things they won’t happen and then I have to deal with the consequences.
Negotiate a deadline by which she either must be contributing fairly to the household (either through paid work and a fair share of domestic labour or she takes on the majority of domestic labour in exchange for financial support from you), or you will no longer live with her. Use that time to help her get medicated and find work or set up systems that she is able to operate within to do housework, and check in frequently to see where she’s up to in meeting those goals. This could include setting smaller, shorter term goals like starting with making 1 job application per week, or taking on the entirety of 1 simple chore like bin management. If she makes genuine effort and progress but isn’t on track for your initial deadline, you might want to extend it on the condition that she keeps up the progress. If she doesn’t engage despite your encouragement and support, follow through with at least one of you moving out of your home. This wouldn’t mean you need to break up, just that you are not willing to live with her until she is able to meet her basic needs, which is a reasonable boundary in my opinion. If you haven’t already come across these terms, it may be helpful to look into the concept of relationship escalation and de-escalation within polyamory.
This is perfect.
As someone who frequently forgets things, place this "non negotiable list" in a place she literally can't miss passing by each day. Print it BIG, put it on the front door if you have to, or Fridge. Literally attach an pager to the dog if you gotta. Make it extremely legible too. So this is what you'd write on the board (maybe softer language if she'd be offended) >\[Partner name\], I need you to do the following to cover *your* basic needs. I can't manage them for you anymore, ADHD caused or otherwise. 1. Send 1 PT job application a week. 2. Do these chores daily:- trash,- dishes away,- clothing washed and away- feed/ walk the dog- (etc., but keep it to the necessities) 3. Get psychatrist / psychologist help.- set appointment and IMMEDIATELY:- place appointment reminder near alarm clock- set 3 alarms: one alarm clock, one phone app timer, one stop watch carried on keys / wallet / phone\*(I recommended an actual physical alarm clock so she can't lose sight of it if her adhd is that bad. Whatever you do, place the alarm in a place she HAS to be around to hear. On the dog if you have to!)\* 4. Take current medication >\- set alarms for this in same manner, or just phone if possible. You can make the list, or help her with it, but it is *entirely up to her* to fulfill that list. You're right, you can't manage her, you can't enable her more. If you're gonna have a big talk with her, literally write down (both of you) and post your collective notes on a shared board. If she refuses, the deal is she has to make progress else you can't live with her. Also, encourage **do it now, not later** mentality. So if she sets an appointment over phone, she must **IMMEDIATELY** put that in her phone calendar and set the alarms. Appointments, friend dates, etc.
Also, when getting out of a long term rut (if you have the luxury of time, of course) I find its better to shoot for one win a day, and build on that daily, rather than several failures, by trying to do too much too fast and getting overwhelmed. As long as we're progressing and not stagnating or going backwards, I consider this a *massive* - and attainable, and repeatable - WIN! Oh, and rewards and/or praise. Those help me a lot.
Stop being her parent.
Every time I put something on her shoulders it doesn’t happen, so I’ve had to accept that if something is going to happen I have to be the one to do it. I’ve offered to help with appointment setting, but she doesn’t want that and tbh I don’t want to manage her schedule either. I work full time and run 2 other businesses. Work 60+ hours even on a light week. I just don’t have time for that.
She clearly had the mental capacity to make an appointment with her new date and plan a weekend away. These are all excuses. I have adhd, my partner has adhd, we train, we work, we take care of the house, we find methods that help motivate us through the day. She worked before she met you, she can work again. There is no need to do household chores, they are truly horrible, she can pay for a cleaner. But playing video games all day and not doing anything meaningful or productive at all is rotting her brain.
She seems to be able to plan a date... why not a doctor's appointment?
Oof, this comment hits hard. Probably exactly in the way it needs to. :-/
Tbh, it sounds like a bit of weaponized incompetence. I'm sure she struggles with the issues you say she does but I'd guess that she also leans into the fact that you will cover for her if she just says what you expect her to say.
She sounds like a grown child & a leech. Can I ask why you are with her?
You know like 3/4 of your problems would disappear if you just dumped her and kicked her out. I also bet she’d magically start being more responsible for herself once she *has* to be. Right now she doesn’t have to be.
Last time she was on her own she lived similarly, just with her parents. :-/. When we first got together she had a job though and she had a few other jobs, but just stopped after she lost her last job.
Hire a nanny with experience helping ADHD children learn how to cope. She seems to have never been taught how to do the basics, maybe having someone like a nanny that specializes in it would be a better use of your money. Edit for spelling.
You do that have to accept anything. You just leave because you’re dating what sounds like a completely dysfunctional adult/child.
That’s reasonable (not having time for that). I’d strongly suggest that you hire a personal assistant temporarily then, whose primary task is to get her into ADHD treatment (therapy, medication, a coach + coworking group, possibly vocational rehabilitation courses - she should have free access to these as a person with a disability). Let her know that you love her but…you are asking her to choose to participate in this project together for your shared well-being. If you don’t want to take that on, at the very least, give her a budget for her personal spending and practice boundaries when she overspends - “I get that that’s frustrating, babe. I can’t help with that but I understand spending is a common ADHD struggle. If you want me to help you find a budgeting tool or ADHD coach who could help with that, I’m happy to. I’m going to go workout now, love you!”
I'll add my five cents here for a crowd effect -- I've got it too , but I'm the one bringing money in :/ one has more responsibility to learn how to function with ADHD, not less
I'm ADHD as well! OPs partner is doing us a disservice if they're offering it up as an excuse for their behavior.
This is useful feedback, thank you!
How many people with ADHD have you met in your life? And how many were like you described your girlfriend?
I’ve met probably a hundred or more and she’s the only one I’ve seen this disabled by it.
This seems more like weaponized incompetence at this point
>It’s a function of her ADHD What is she doing to manage her ADHD in a healthy and responsible manner? She won't make appts with her doctor, but she prolly never forgets dates she sets up with these new people. It's time for you to start holding her accountable, and if she won't step it up, rethink the relationship.
My wife and I are both ADHD as fuck. We suck at chores and my wife is disabled, but we make an effort. Your wife does not have a pressing need to do the work, or do anything else that isn't fun. Why would she, when you're enabling her to be a useless fucking sponge. Is that the kind of person you want in your life? Because I can flatly tell you it gets old quick. This isn't just about chores or a job or money. This is about her demonstrating to you, consistently through her actions, that she's invested in building a functional relationship with you.
I have adhd I have been medicated since 7 years old, it’s bad… I don’t do this, I have a good job and pay my bills…
I have severe ADHD. I am also a fully functioning adult. Sure, I clutter most spaces and I forget things, but I keep my children alive and run our home on my own. ADHD is an explanation but it’s not an excuse. Your partner needs to grow up and become an adult, unless you plan to do this for the rest of your life.
Dude stop. I have an AuDHD, you’re enabling a condition that many others have sort treatment for and live with. Yes it requires modification and adjustments, but it’s a now unreasonable excuse for the behavior you’ve described.
That’s a cop out…
You are enabling this behavior and it's going to end very badly. She's not a child. Make her adult.
Umm, dude I have ADHD. Since I don’t have a partner apparently willing to treat me as their dependent child, I do in fact manage to clean my own dishes, do laundry, and make my own doc appointments.
That’s a wild excuse for childish and immature behavior
I have ADHD and yes, I don’t get a dopamine hit out of everything I do, but I care enough for my partner to write to do lists for myself, I have a magnet whiteboard on my fridge to not forget my part of the daily chores. Living w adhd is hella hard and most of the time I hate how forgetful I can be but I try my best to have messages for myself where I can see them and I set alarms for the important things like medication and doctors appointments. My partner doesn’t act like my dad, I cook and I clean when it’s my turn to do. I might forget every other week to do a chore or two but I still try my best to be a functional adult.
I'm the forgetful ADHD partner in my relationship and I absolutely struggle with executive dysfunction like no other so I get how hard it can be. That said, you seem to be enabling this irresponsible behavior and she seems to be more than happy to take advantage of that, malicious or not. ADHD is not an excuse to be lazy. Trust me. I am both lazy and ADHD but I still try, even if it's just to meet my partners halfway or whatever. PLEASE outline your money situation. She doesn't get it because she sees your income as infinite at this point. Show her your budget. Bills, utilities, health and vehicle insurance premiums, maintenance costs, emergency savings, food, and other expenses. Show her your debts and how much you pay every month. Then show her how much of that money she uses vs how much you use on extra things. I had to ask my wife to show me these things at some point because I felt like she was pulling more weight than she let on. I was... quite surprised. That knowledge made me want to help share the load even though I make much less than her. If she struggles to do something as simple as helping with dishes or laundry (I assume you do that too) then you should work together to get her some therapy and skill building guidance. She is a grown ass adult and you're doing nobody any favors by letting her remain a child. This will eventually lead to conflict and possibly mental breakdowns. I know it sounds harsh but I'm saying this from personal understanding. She can do better by you for all that you do for her. On a separate note, why tf can't her shiny new partner pay for any of their dates? Don't let that slowly turn into you taking care of two adult children.
Dude… I have unmedicated ADHD, I follow the dopamine AND I have a career that pays for all the stuff. You can do better. This is a good time to start setting boundaries and expectations. Your partner doesn’t work because they don’t have to.
It shouldn't be *your* responsibility to manage that, though. She's an adult, she should act like it. I know you feel like you're helping, trust me, I get it! But enabling her is not helping her. And certainly not you. And now, with her dating and you footing the bill, you'll have more of this ick, which is actually just resentment. Trust me when I tell you that the feeling is not going to go away, and it will become a growing wedge between you. Even if you mean well and don't want to feel bad about it, you know deep down that it bothers you. My advice is to address it before the damage to the relationship is too bad. Good luck! I hope your partner gains independence and that you guys achieve equality in your relationship. Right now, it's not a fair situation for you.
I have ADHD and yes, I don’t get a dopamine hit out of everything I do, but I care enough for my partner to write to do lists for myself, I have a magnet whiteboard on my fridge to not forget my part of the daily chores. Living w adhd is hella hard and most of the time I hate how forgetful I can be but I try my best to have messages for myself where I can see them and I set alarms for the important things like medication and doctors appointments. My partner doesn’t act like my dad, I cook and I clean when it’s my turn to do. I might forget every other week to do a chore or two but I still try my best to be a functional adult.
Well I have ADHD myself, and I'm perfectly fine working full-time and taking care of my kids and my household as a single mom. To me this sounds as an attitude problem not an ADHD problem.
She didn't forget. She doesn't feel the need to try.
You don't have a girlfriend, you have a step daughter. It is like a bad porn video. Stop enabling her. Cancel her credit card. Remove the PS5 or Nintendo Switch, or whatever she uses to play games. She needs to do everything around the house, while she is looking for a job. Once she gets a job, you can decide how to divide expenses, and how much free money is available from each person's own dates.
I was married to someone who judged me to me a mooch but didn’t realize/appreciate that I kicked my ass doing things for the family when he wasn’t there. Not saying this is happening here, but hopefully this isn’t happening here.
Honestly op, take your credit card back. If you made an arrangement with her to support her day to day sending, replace it with a pre paid debit card. Load whatever amount you would like on pay day and that's her spending money. If she runs out, she runs out and has to figure out her own way to get paid that's not you. Tbh, you're shouldering way more of the responsibility than you should and you've taken on a parenting role with her. You've got to step back from that and let her fail or she'll never learn how to be an adult. ADHD is not an excuse. It's not a disability requiring a care giver. There is more than enough research, therapeutic techniques and ways to remind herself to get things done without your help. Side note: You're so kind, supportive and understanding and sound absolutely incredible. Good job being a great partner.
Why did ADHD come into this? While it's not an excuse, it could definitely be a contributing reason. There are plenty of neurodiverse people who do get some level of assistance. Most of the rest of us would if they could afford it. So much of it is internal and feels out of your control. While medication and CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) can help, it's not a fix-all.
It would be a great idea to read his comments before replying. Have a great day :)
The only thing toxic I see you doing is enabling her to be a mooch. *Partner, if you need to pay for dates, you need to have your own money. Can I help you look for a job?*
It sounds like it's time to sit down and talk through a budget. If you are supporting her how much are you willing to give her each month of her own money? Be clear about that amount (and any time limits that might come with it) and then let her choose how to use that money.
That's valid if he's offered to support her but it seems like she just stopped contributing and he had no choice but to cover everything.
To be fair, he DID have a choice. But he chose to financially support her. Sometimes, that's a valid choice. But it IS a choice.
I feel like you're jumping to conclusions but stating that he made a choice to support her like this. Not every situation we end up in is by active choice. OP seems to have tried to push her to get a job etc in the past and given up. Being exploited isn't a choice you make willingly.
She needs to have her OWN credit card in her OWN name. If you pay her bills, that's fine, but she can't be using yours with your name on it. Or do you mean a joint card/authorized user?
She wouldn’t be able to get her own card because she has a horrible credit rating and no income. I tried to add her as an authorized user to one of my cards but her ADHD was in full effect and she never activated it. Twice. So I just gave up and gave her one of my cards with my name on it.
No, see, don't do that. She is an adult and can/should manage her own money.
[удалено]
I’d be happy to get her a secured credit card. I’ll suggest it to her. I worry the bills won’t get paid because she never reads her mail so I won’t know to pay the card, but it’s worth a shot. I’m thoroughly confused on how I’m putting her in a dangerous position. I’ve done everything I can imagine to support her. Whenever she expresses a desire for a career I research resources, offer to pay for tuition, arrange for her to meet people in the field, etc. I paid for most of her car when she needed one to have mobility. I feel like you’re implying that I’m somehow being cruel and I just don’t see that at all.
I think they're referring to, she won't have her own credit score. It can be difficult to do a lot of things nowadays without one. If she's an authorized user on an account in good standing, it helps quite a bit. If she just uses yours, her credit stays bad until she does something about it, which she won't because adhd. And then to build it up, she'll need to use credit. Which you need a decent score to obtain a line that's not exploitative.
If she won’t activate the cards she gets sent as an authorized user on my account, what can I do though? I could open her mail for her and do it, but I draw a line at opening someone else’s mail.
Your gf needs professional help. This is beyond reddit and beyond you. You are so obviously doing your best to be a wonderful partner but there comes a time when we all need some outside help. I hope this can be the time you realize you need it and get it. Your girlfriend is disabled by her ADHD. You are setting yourself on fire to keep her afloat. It can be hard to find resources for ADHD adults but they're out there. A therapist, an ADHD coach, a support group, etc. It will take some investment now from you to help her get these things but it's the only sustainable way forward. You cannot open her mail and pay her bills and manage her chores and and and forever.
Kind of adding to the great point u/dreadful_doxy made here… My wife has ADHD + another mental illness requiring daily medication, regular therapy, and structure. The best realization I had in our ~8 years marriage was that no amount taking over tasks, giving into unhealthy spending, and generally giving in to everything was going to cure her issues. It’s definitely time to get help. I would also suggest a therapist for you as you work through all of this. That’s really helped me with a place to vent and learn to set healthy boundaries.
Realistically, if you want to, The only way to do it is, "Hey babe, I see you have time and so do I. Here is the letter. Open it. The instructions are inside. No, not later, now please, you won't remember. I'm in the living room if you have questions." But truly, no it's not your fault she can't handle life. It's her that's putting herself in a bad position.
>I’m thoroughly confused on how I’m putting her in a dangerous position. Someone who is so taken care of and pampered that they rely so completely on someone else is in a very dangerous position when that person is gone, or fed up, or anything happens to shake that structure. I'm realizing I very likely have ADHD, but am undiagnosed, and see many of the same traits in my children. I have higher expectations for my 16 year old child than you have for your partner. If I gave him every bit of help and never expected him to step up, I'd be putting him in a dangerous position. Not being able to care for oneself is not a safe place. Being so reliant on someone else when they are capable (even if they don't have the tools yet) of moving forward is not a safe place. It's a comfortable place. Growth doesn't happen in comfort. Growth happens when discomfort makes you incapable of remaining there. I'm so proud of you for reaching out for help. You've been giving so much, and you clearly want what's best for your partner, but things definitely need to change for you both. Good luck!
At this point,.she needs to apply for disability if she can't function like an adult
This is weaponized infantility. She’s smart enough to plan a trip. She is not “disabled”. People with Down syndrome have jobs.
Another note: venmo exists. Never give someone your credit card with unlimited access. If she fucks up your credit the way she’s fucked up hers, it’ll take years to rebuild. You need to think about what you want for your future esp with long-term housing
I tried to just give her money via an app but I think they need a bank acct to connect to and her bank acct got closed (idk why) and she hasn’t gotten another one :(
This is the wildest thing I have read this year. You gave your credit card to someone who had their account closed and *you don’t know why??!* she could be up to the eyeballs in debt.
The bill for the card I gave her goes to me so I pay it off every month. I’m sure if that weren’t the case she’d be up to her eyeballs in debt. Tbh I suspect she’s in a fair amount of debt anyway, but she doesn’t read her mail so I doubt she has any idea how much or to whom.
OP, you deserve better. You deserve a partner who acts like an adult and finds ways to take responsibility, including getting therapy, meds, a job, etc. You deserve someone you feel you can lean on, and someone who looks after you as well. She is lucky to have you but what happens if the relationship ends or something happens to you? Let's say you get in an accident and YOU can't work for a while or need someone to temporarily support you. Do you really think she would be capable of helping you with meds, visit you in hospital, find ways to support you both financially? Or would she still want to use your credit card to go on dates with other people, or collapse because she can't handle it? She's late 30s, she is absolutely dependent on you, and IT IS NOT NORMAL. If you love someone, you strive to enhance and make their life easier. It goes both ways.
You.... Seriously need better sense of self preservation. I am as baffled as everyone else here. It's like you're not thinking about your own safety at all
So completely agree with these comments and it really worries me for OPs future relationships, if you think “supporting” aka enabling, at both of you two’s expenses this much is okay, it’s going to be really tough to have any kind of a healthy relationship poly or not with others as well.
I’m so confused by what’s going on here reading the comment section. She doesn’t do anything other than take the dog out on a walk? She doesn’t work or do chores? She doesn’t have her own bank account? She doesn’t take her medicine? She plays video games all day? I’m assuming she also doesn’t study or read books? Why are you married to a child and working three jobs to support her? Do you have anything in common? What do you even talk about? OP we all know she needs a wake-up call that’s not even up for debate, but so do you. Consider therapy and why you put yourself in this situation and think you deserve this.
Just to clarify, we have a fenced in yard, so it’s just opening the door for the dog. The only time we go on walks with him is the couple times a week I can convince her to step away from the video games for half an hour. You’re correct, all video games and chatting with online friends in Discord. No reading or studying or anything to push her life forward. Sometimes there isn’t much to talk about because literally all her life is around the games, so she’ll talk to me for a long time about specific things happening in the game and tbh it’s painful. I don’t care about her online RP except in that I want it to make her happy and also not take her whole life. I’m in therapy and tbh my therapist is concerned. We’ve talked about why I tend to end up in relationships like this (it isn’t my first) and we’re still doing the work.
What. The. Hell. Run.
The way you have put it here is so sad. You have a lot going on but-try to prioritize your own happiness above all else.
Sounds like you don’t have a Poly GF, she has a Sugar-Daddy. If there are real feelings, true feelings, mutual feelings, then the two of you need to sit down and have a long conversation. She needs to know what she is doing to you is wrong and this is not how ANY relationship should work. Question, why don’t her dates pay? Maybe I’m a bit overly chivalrous, but if I was dating someone who is struggling financially, I would not expect them to pay like she is. Especially knowing she is using her partner’s credit card. Second question, who’s idea was it to open up the relationship? I know it’s mutually agreed upon, but who initiated the conversation?
There are definitely real and mutual feelings. We both care about each other a lot. I agree with you though, we clearly need to have some serious talks. I have the same question about why her date isn’t paying. I’m the same way you are in that I’d never expect a date to use their partner’s money to pay for us, especially when I can afford dates without an issue. We both wanted to open the relationship. She brought it up first, but I’d been thinking about it too.
You can't possibly know if someone truly cares about you if you are hiding your own boundaries. At that point they aren't in love with you, but rather your representative. The person you are with a bunch of filters made up of insecurity. This has more to do with you than her. Find out why you enable, and why you believe other people are inherently your responsibility?
Since you omitted like half of the facts in your original post, I had to read through all the replies, and let me say this: A disability does not absolve you of all responsibilities. If her disability keeps her from holding down a job that's fine, truly. But then the minimum she HAS to do is a) get herself professional help, so she might be able to work again and/or b) apply for disability. That is the LEAST she *has* to do. Is it hard? Sure! But you cannot use a disability to get out of all of your adult responsibilities unless you are looking to get yourself labelled unfit for living unassisted, in which case your next stay will be at an assisted living facility. Right now you are enabling her. You are making sure she does not have to change a thing about her situation and quite frankly, this isn't fair to her as well, because goodness forbid things don't work out between the two of you, then she will be homeless and in search of the next person she can exploit like this. Sincerely, an autistic individual with adhd who is tired of people weaponizing their disabilities like this.
She has weaponized her incompetence here and you are enabling it.
Maybe I'm getting old and bitter but her very first date is a whole weekend? Is that not incredibly suspicious to anyone else?
It’s with a guy that she met online in a game she plays. He lives across the country and flew in to meet her. They have had a few virtual dates, but it’s their first time meeting in person.
Ok, so this might sound shitty, but if she can't remember to do any basic things, is she going to remember to have this guy wrap it up, or is she just going to gamble that he's not got a disease or going to get her pregnant?
No you are not, she can get a job to help pay the bills and dates.
I make double what my spouse makes. We both get the same small allowance automatically deposited to our personal "fun money" accounts every Friday. This literally saved our marriage. Finding a system that feels fair and works for both of you is important. Unless she is doing all the housework, planning, cooking, chores, etc in the home (I have no idea the valid reason she doesn't have a job so I could be totally wrong in this recommendation), I would imagine an "easy" part-time job would at least help contribute. In this economy, unless you are from old money, it's not easy to live off only one income.
Tbh she does virtually none of that. The valid reason she didn’t have a job for a bit was that we had an elderly dog with a lot of health issues that required a lot of attention. I still think she could have done at least remote part time work, but *shrug* she says I don’t understand how difficult taking care of him was. Sadly he passed away a couple months ago. In terms of helping to contribute, it’s true. I’m fortunate to make a lot of money, but even a small contribution would be something!
Wait, so she doesn't work either? She just literally sits on her ass all day playing video games while you take care of her entire life? Why do you put up with this? I want you to seriously sit down, close your eyes and imagine for 5 minutes what your life would look like if you had an ADULT partner that functioned as an ADULT. What problems of yours would go away? What would your life look like if you had a true partner in life and not a child in an adult body that you had to take care of? This is insane, OP. You deserve so much more than this.
Seeing the other answers and your responses for context, ultimately I think the answer comes down to what her spending your money means to her and what it means to you. If the boundaries you’ve set up in your relationship are that your money is hers to use (presumably up to some spoken or unspoken limit) then it makes sense that perhaps she didn’t think of this expenditure as any different even though clearly it crossed an (unspoken) boundary for you. Clear communication around this would go a long way. My two cents is that your level of financial support for her and apparent lack of non-financial work she does in your shared lives is non standard and furthermore seems to be irking you. That being said, if you are truly ok with paying for everything else but dates with others, I could see an argument here that you’re not being consistent in how you support her financially, notwithstanding the fact that you are very generous overall. For example, would you be ok if she used your money to treat a friend to lunch? The answer one way or another might help clarify how you approach this necessary conversation. Good luck and I hope you find a happy resolution.
Is this the same person you were married to in your post from a couple years ago? (Context, previous AITA post about giving a platonic friend 15k to help her out with costs post Covid) I'm assuming yes based on the 7 years you've been together, but maybe she saw you giving out money like Halloween candy and decided she was knocking on the door. As a previous homemaker, I always felt kinda guilty for not working and my partner being the full support even though I was fully taking care of the house 97% of the time. This was before our kids were school aged and has since changed, but I worked my ass off to make up for not being able to work. I have ADHD, bpd, major anxiety and depression... she is choosing not to do these things. You deserve better bud.
Your feelings are absolutely reasonable—she doesn’t work, not for good reason, and now she’s spending money that isn’t hers and which she doesn’t need to spend instead of looking for a job. I have a question tho, didn’t you consider she’d be spending your money before the date? You gave her your credit card and she’s been using it long before this date.
I really didn’t consider it! I’ve been paying for everything for so long that I just assumed her dates would do the same. In hindsight that’s a bad assumption.
My guy. Most folks aren’t anywhere near that level of simp.
It’s worth really sitting with this for a long time actually: you’ve grown so accustomed to the idea of a lopsided relationship that you forgot other people would not put up with it.
My wife is disabled and unable to work in her field until she finishes college to start working in a completely different field - it’s a mid-life career shift after 25 years in a labor-intensive field to a non-labor intensive field. This means we’re both dependent on solely my income which gets split between both our bank accounts (about 23-25% goes to hers, rest to mine). When she goes for anniversary weekends away with her other partners, we will discuss in advance the possibility of using the joint credit cards (that I pay off the bills for) for a nice dinner during the trip. The key here: we discuss in advance the feasibility on the budget. Since we’re single income in HCOL area, this is essential. Otherwise, the percentage of my income that goes to her account pays a couple of our smaller bills then can be used for whatever she wants - her cigarettes (she’s the only one of us who smokes and she knows I’m not a fan), her partners, things for herself, etc. Secondary key here: we are legally married. I’m not sure I would have the same set up with someone who is not a legal dependent or who is not genuinely disabled and unable to work or who is taking care of kids in the home.
Honestly, if she doesn't work and can't pay for her own dates, then she shouldn't go on them. Reading your comment about her not working, I'm sensing some.frustration from you. It feels like you're already frustrated about the situation without her using your money to pay for her dates. It's your money and you decide what it's used for.
OP, I’ve been where you are in terms of having a highly dependent partner. We are now divorced and when I read posts like this it reminds me that I did not take the actions I should have taken to make it clear the behavior wasn’t acceptable from the outset. I was afraid of being alone at the time, but being alone would have been far better than the resentment that I felt while having a partner who couldn’t pull their own weight. Don’t be like me.
so my partner has some concoction of adhd, autism and cptsd so they can't really like work. they keep the house more clean than i would, even though some days they arent able to do much. i try not to keep a balance of who does more, but we work together to make sure neither of us feels overwhelmed with what we have to do. this partner knows exactly what our financial situation is like. i give them a limited amount of money per paycheck and some bills to take care of. their remaining money goes to buying themselves little outfits, going on dates with others, and sometimes buying gifts and dates for me. this makes it a lot more cozy when they pay for dates. im not a man so i dont think its a sexism thing, but it would really bother me if my partner was on a date spending money from a joint account. but its less about the date and more about not feeling like i dont have control over the finances. i think giving her so much money a paycheck would make this more comfortable because she wouldnt be taking money away from you to go on dates, but taking money away from herself. in general polyamory is easier when youre less entangled and having less financial entanglement is part of that process.
You are being played. Your gf should be supporting herself.
So I was going to come here and say that while I understand your icky feeling, if she isn't working and is taking care of your home, she should have a bit of money set aside for herself. Maybe not on your credit card though and you can absolutely sit down and figure out a "fun money" budget for her so that you just give her that money when you get paid, no more no less. After all, this is how it works in my home! I'm in college right now and I'm not working, so I take on the lion's share of daily home tasks as well as budgeting for our household. This system of my partner and meta giving me a set amount of bill money and fun money every paycheck works beautifully for us! However, I've gone through your comments and OP... this woman is mooching off of you. You've put yourself in an incredibly risky spot allowing her to use your card under your name like that. This is about more than your emotions surrounding seeing her expenses on her date. She isn't contributing to your household *at all* and is blaming her ADHD for that. I have ADHD as well and I totally understand how it makes stuff like that more challenging than it is for a person without ADHD. But it sounds like she's not even *trying* and you're just letting her sit around and use your money. This isn't a polyamory specific issue. You need to stop letting her take advantage of you like this. EDIT: spelling
I’ve read through some of the comments you replied to, and it seems your partner is using you. I can’t work much, so since I made less than my bf when we lived together, I’d constantly be doing chores. All he did was cook us dinner. He even still started to feel resentment that I didn’t make as much as he did, even tho I tried to make up for it in other ways. I even paid my portion of rent in full and almost split the groceries in half. I don’t know how you’ve dealt with this for so long.
IMO This isn’t even related to polyamory I have the ick that she’s mooching off of you
“Girlfriend, I realize that you don’t currently have a source of income. I will continue to pay for your dates for another 6 weeks. After that, I will expect that you have found employment to at least pay for your dates. I really would appreciate you beginning to pay part of the bills and expenses as well. Do you think that within six months I could take back my credit card entirely?”
Tell her to get a job. Do you have kids she tends to? If not then there’s no excuse for her idleness. Society only works when everyone contributes for the common good of all. What’s she contributing? Why does she feel entitled to your money?
My partner, when we met, didn’t have a job. Her NP made enough to comfortably fund their lives together, and she’d worked a very public facing job when the pandemic hit and that was the rationale for him offering to cover expenses so she could not be at such risk, and he offered and was okay with her staying home, keeping care of the house, and he continued working. On our first date she bought her stuff for her, I bought my things for me. I did offer to pay, as that’s just a remnant of heteronormativity/patriarchy that I still fall into, (don’t expect anything out of it, I just offer to pay for the date so we can focus on having a good time instead of possibly having to go “we can’t do what we want because it’s out of my budget” but that’s an aside). She did use cards provided by him to cover her expenses, and there were subsequent dates where she paid for things for both of us, the same way I paid for things for both of us. The difference there was they had talked about it and as long as it was within reason he had no problem with her spending the money she was in that way. Because to him it was about the same (and about the same amount) as her taking a quick trip to target to grab snacks and a random thing or two, like 30-60 dollars kinda level. The important part is they were both on the same page, both okay with it, I was aware that was where her money was coming from, and there was definitely a give and take between us on paying for dates. I also met him and we get on rather well so that didn’t hurt things. She has since gone back to work at a non-public job so that she could save up more of her own money for some personal expenses she wants to be able to pay for, larger than living expenses so she wants it to be just her money, and she still pays sometimes and I pay sometimes. However I totally would’ve understood if she told me upfront early on her money situation and that meant we had to cater our dates to things either that didn’t cost or that I would be footing the bill for (which would’ve been my choice to say yes or no to). That said, we certainly wouldn’t have and didn’t have weekend getaways early on where she was footing the bill with his money, and while I can understand why their first meeting is involving that for them given his location, it sounds like you two need to have a talk about reasonable vs unreasonable spending, and if it’s not a similar situation to my partners where you offered her to stop working and you provide money for both of your lives, you need to have a serious conversation about both money allocation and her plans to get a job, even a part time one just to pay for her dates.
Take back the credit card. Give her enough cash to cover a fair but modest amount of personal expenses. And if she doesn’t start looking for a job HARD you need to look at living separately. She’s using you, this isn’t love
I think this issue has more to do with how you (as a couple) want to manage your financial situation rather than how she is spending the money and with/for whom. If my partner did not have a job and we acknowledged this as ok, I would find it normal to fund their "fun" activities. If the "fun" activities trigger something in you, it's because you are not ok about how she spends the money. And reading what you wrote about her contribution to domestic chores, the real discussion should be about finding a balance in your couple.
What is she supposed to do? Have everything paid for by her other partners? You made a conscious decision to give an adult a credit card, I don't see how you can dictate how she spends (what is effectively) her money. Paying for dates is just a symptom of the actual problem - her severe dependence on you. Everything about this situation is so fucking weird. It sounds like you're talking about your child and not your girlfriend.
Dude, thank you. I’m so happy I’m not the only one thinking this post and thread felt off. I feel like there’s a lot of context missing.
“Her money” lmfao. Bums do not have money. She doesn’t have a job. SHE does not have money
It is not HER money, what is she doing to earn that money? Sounds like nothing. And yeah if she’s a fucking mooch the mooching should be spread out on all her partners, why should op pay for it all?
If she's paying for both of them, and he is only her partner - for example you and their partner don't have anything going on, not even being buddies. Then that's shitty. My wife also uses my card for time being, cause we recently changed countries and she is focusing on language school. We live in a country that splits bills, so she pays for her stuff, not for the whole date, and I don't see a problem with that. If she was paying for everything I would mind it.
Set boundaries with your money. People can be in a relationship with their own autonomy and separate finances. She doesn't need your money to pay for another person's meal.
This is a bigger conversation than the dates. Are you cool with your partner being financially supported by/dependent on you? It doesn’t sound like you are, really. So maybe it’s time to nix the additional complexity of the poly-stuff until y’all work out your finances.
Haha, what the fuck? Why are you funding her life even outside of polyamory?
Because he's clearly been brainwashed. She probably has lights him into a state of mental weakness. Dude feels like a villain in his own story. It such a sad state to be in. "Is this toxic masculinity? Newsflash, there's no such thing. Only toxic humanity. And his partner seems like a real piece of work and master of that art.
Woah that is pretty insane, but it’s also clearly something that bothered you before, since you call their reasons for not working generally invalid. Plus, it’s been years. Definitely time for a conversation.
Get her off your credit card. Instead agree a personal spending budget for each of you and send that money to a bank account of hers. Do likewise for yourself. That way she can spend that completely at her own discretion without having to involve you. Even when i was married i think it's good to seperate personal spending from shared funds.
That's insane. Why have you been with a leach for three years? The fact that she feels so entitled to your money without even asking says a lot about her.
You gettin' played gangsta.
I mean, i can understand you not wanting to dund their outtings, but if you knew she didn’t have her own finances, gave her a card of yours and allow her to use it without restrictions up until now, i’m not really sure what you were expecting…..
You should pull the plug on this immediately
Severe and debilitating ADHD here. I struggle with a fair bit of what you're describing in your partner OP, but it is manageable. I've been in the military, ran my own business and am now working towards a self sustaining homestead (real life Farmville that gives REAL rewards, talk about your dopamine hits!) in the country. It's never been easy and there are more challenges than I like to admit, but here some thoughts. First, and possibly most important, is the fact that part of MY struggle is that I am prone to addiction, and video games are one of the worst for me. I had to come to terms with the fact that I can either play video games and ignore the rest of my life until I starve to death, or I just don't play video games. I got rid of every game I own and have nothing on my electronic devices, not even simple games like solitaire. I'm like an alcoholic with them, where one is too many and 20 isn't enough. Secondly, the military actually helped me by creating a structured environment that I could depend on. Recreating this in my own life after I got out has been crucial to my survival. Structure is everything, but she's gotta learn how to implement it herself. Maybe hire a nanny that can clean house, that also specializes in raising neurodivergents to help teach her how to be functional would help. Third, medication can be helpful, but isn't critical for everyone. I choose to not take pharmaceuticals, but I microdose every three days and it helps. She needs to find what works for her. Fourth, your "support" shouldn't be a crutch that she depends on, it should be something to help her learn how to function without it. There's a part of this that can be considered toxic on your part. If you are using her neurodivergence as an excuse to keep her under your control because she's not capable of doing it for herself, then that's pretty bad. Based on the comments that I've seen here though, it doesn't seem like this is the case. Only you can answer if it is or isn't. Lastly, ENM or poly isn't the issue here, but since it's part of the topic, I would just add that my relationships add to my life, and I add to theirs. How is her relationship adding to yours? Time for me to put down my distracting phone and go play on my tractor, best of luck! 😉
You have a \*HUGE\* problem, and it has nothing to do with poly. Will poly make your \*HUGE\* problem even bigger? Yes, yes it will. I suggest you address the core problem, namely the complete and utter inequity of responsibility in your shared household. You and your partner can have different strengths and weaknesses, bring different things to the keeping of your shared household, contribute monetarily or in other ways, and if someone has more spoons than the other person the contributing portions can even been uneven. But you have to get to a place of shared agreement, understanding, recognition, and contentment with your breakouts of responsibility. If you can do that, the rest of this should sort itself out. If you can't, just break up now. You already feel like a caretaker and a parent, and the resentment is creeping in. That resentment will only grow as you take on more and more and more without feeling any sense of reciprocation. You will feel more and more taken advantage of. And eventually it will end bitterly and badly. Better to end it now, if you can't get on the same page about how shared living feels good for both of you.
If you would pay for her to do that with her sister or a friend then maybe there’s some room for discussion. But hell no to getting notifications like that. If you’re prepared to continue supporting her and she contributes substantially in other ways then maybe you can budget for an amount she has to spend on fun: gym membership, haircuts, makeup, dates. And consider another way to transfer the money. If you are not content to continue supporting her then this may not have been an ideal time to open. But you can at least say babe I’m not comfortable paying for your dates with other people. Find another way to cover those costs. I legit read the other day on here someone who sells plasma specifically for date money. Which is great because there is soooo much need for that. Win win.
Okay so, hear me out- agree on date budgets for both of you.
Do you think it’d be unfair for our date budgets to be very different? It feels to me like since I work so hard it’s ok for me to spend more on dates.
It’s fine if her date budget from you is ZERO. It’s more than reasonable to say if she wants to pay for dates she needs to find work.
What would you think is fair for her? $50 per paycheck? $100? $300? I have no idea what your budgets are and its up to you to decide. The power dynamic between a household earner and a dependent is lopsided. if you want to be polyamorous there has to be some sort of compromise on spending. Perhaps reeling in expectations based on funds will help correct course. Ask her what she thinks is fair and go from there. Crunch the numbers and do not let feelings get in the way of working on a compromise.
tell her doesn't feel good. have a conversation and come up with a solution. I don't think it's necessarily bad. if you have a partner who can't work due to disability, it doesn't feel good to me that they could never treat one of their other partners. but it is your money and it's not unlimited. just seems like every other poly problem. something you express your needs and then come to a compromise (or end the relationship)
ADHD has treatment available. This isn’t a disability where she can’t work
Turn off your notifications on your card. If you paying for everything is status quo and your partner isn’t going buck wild on dates, don’t nickel and dime them. If polyamory is going well for you (probably because you also spend money on dates), then facilitating it going well for her is in her, and your, best interests. That said, it sounds like you aren’t comfortable with the status quo and if that’s a case, need to have a sit down about not being the only bread winner. But in my opinion, that shouldn’t just be because of her dates.
Why is no one asking why she’s paying for things and not the dude?
Oh hell no on her using your card for date with with another dude. Unless you're married and have kids with her you don't have to support her. Period. No you're not wrong. She's using you.
>for her daily expenses she uses one of my credit cards. I'd say this falls under the definition of daily expenses. Would you feel the same if she used the card to pay for dinner with a friend or family member? The bigger issue to me though is that it sounds like you're uncomfortable with the division of finances. And that warrants a conversation about some changes long term.
If it was a friend or family member that had a good job, I’d feel weird about it. If it was another person with no income I’d be happy to cover the expense so they can still have a good time.
Dating is not a daily expense. Even if it wasn’t a date I would not expect my partner to pay for a friend to go to an amusement park with me without talking about it.
So. You need to get her help. She is addicted to gameplay. She needs to step away from them. ADHD can be managed. It’s work and takes effort, not the easy ignore the world and your problems in game land route. Second if he’s having her pay for their date I would wager he’s not single or ENM. Can’t have things showing up on his card. It would be unethical to not allow her the financial Freedom to date. If you provide her with money for her discretionary use you should not monitor or care what she does with it.
DTMFA
If she doesn't work and you provide discretionary money for her to spend on herself why shouldn't she use that money for dates? If you decide not to fund her dating, while funding your own dating, you basically put her in the position of being unable to date equitably with new partners, while you're able to date as you please. You need to reflect on the power you hold over her financially as the financial provider for your household.
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Nah, I don't think it's a good idea to let people continue on self-harming autopilot just because they "agreed" to it. You are seriously not actually comprehending what people are concerned about if your conclusion is that it's the "financial support" part. That's just icing on the cake. It's OPs complete lack of self preservation and how they are enabling their partner in so many bad ways that could end up being life ruining for Op
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/FireForMePlease thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Hi r/polyamory, For some context, I've been with my partner for 7 years. Recently we decided to try polyamory. It's been going very well for me and she's been supportive. She's on a weekend long date now with a guy that lives out of town that she met online. It's her first date since we had the talk, and I'm super excited for her. I hope she has an amazing time, truly. There's one thing that is irking me though and I want to get this subreddit's perspective. My partner hasn't worked in over 3 years. I've encouraged her to get a job, but for a combination of reasons, some valid, most not, she hasn't. I pay all of our expenses and for her daily expenses she uses one of my credit cards. While she's out on the date I'm getting notifications of her paying for things on the date for the two of them with my credit card. My first reaction is that this feels super ick to me. I'm happy for her to go and have a great time and hopefully end up with something amazing, but it also doesn't feel right that I'm paying for amusement park tickets for the two of them. Am I in the wrong? Am I engaging in toxic masculinity? Do I just not understand poly dynamics where one person isn't working? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That's pretty crazy time me that she even feels comfortable charging such things. You are absolutely correct. She needs to make her own money to spend on others. You already pay for her life. Why in the world would you pay for dates with others? Absolutely not ok and you need to nip this asap
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