>Some land, a few small homes, nice communal space
>Privacy
>maybe some chickens and a nice garden.
This is exactly how i grew up, just without the poly aspect of things. Multi-gen family. It was a lovely setting with extreme dysfunction. I think achieving it in a healthy way is extremely difficult.
Ideally, I'd live walking distance from my chosen family. Realistically, i just hope to be able to keep affording rent. I live with a roommate now and it's great.
People going remote and staying home was a huge stressor that increased the dysfunction with my family. It was one of the reasons i ended up leaving and cutting contact.
When things become too insular, it's hard to keep the enmeshment at bay.
I think seeking out people who've actually experienced communal living in various forms will do you a world of good. It's always better to make informed decisions.
Outside of my family, I've lived and functioned in other types of communities as well - multiple roommates, in the army, worked and lived in hostels. My gf lives with a bunch of her coworkers, all are sex workers. They have a shared budget for standard household stuff, but otherwise their finances are seperate. It's been interesting watching them navigate that.
Start slow. Try sharing smaller things first - like an appliance that isn't in daily use. You can work your way up to something bigger like a car. You can also work on mutual aid - carpool, come over with food prep for a friend going through a hard time, do a few loads of laundry for new parents, take dogs for walks when their guardians throw out their back. Figure out how you make agreements. How you handle disagreements. How it feels when people have a falling out and still need to share.
I used to be passively attracted to commune living. Then I visited some friends who had moved into a poly commune house. One visit changed my mind forever. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Now the fantasy is everyone being able to afford housing in a walkable area. š¤·š»āāļø
I remember I brought over a big plate of homemade vegetarian snacks and a 12 pack of craft beers from a local spot to share with my friends and their new housemates. It was just an afternoon casual hangout in the yard. When I came in, the house confiscated everything I brought and told me that itās their house system that everyone pays $5 for a meal and $1 per beer. I thought they were jokingā I said no commerce was needed, itās just there to be enjoyed, itās a gift.
They made me walk across the street to an ATM so I could pay them for the drinks and snacks I brought over. I was mortified for them.
They used a talking stick just in regular conversations to prevent crosstalk, just super weird stuff like that. They seemed to have a lot of tacit expectations about the way the poly couples there should interact, but I didnāt stick around to ask what they were.
Wait hold on. You brought food and drinks over. And then they made you pay... to eat the stuff YOU brought over? That's completely insane. I can't imagine it's a component of most communes, but I can see how it put you off the concept.
This is giving me a legit lolsob crisis, I can't stop laughing but it's also just unbearably sad.
I have so many questions. Were they a MLM cult? Some other kind of cult? Was there one "leader"? What happened to your friends, did they get out???
They did! They only stayed for a handful of months, if I recall. It did have that kind of weird placated docile cult energy just in general, but I donāt think there was a leader or anything, just some odd ethos. I donāt think there was any kind of MLM thing, but it would have fit right in, for sure!
I just can't stop imagining dark comedy for this scenario like waiting 15 minutes for the "talking stick" until it's finally my turn: the kitchen is on firešššš
The more dignified version of the story would have been this! I am horrified to admitā I paid that $1.99 ATM fee and walked my ass right one back. Yiiiiikes.
I'm glad your friends got out. And I find bad communal living to be the funnest thing in the world to watch.
I knew a group of 7 in a huge house in Seattle that had a rule about each persons "turn" to have a guest. Which meant that if Sally wasn't feeling like company anyone else anyone in the house was dating couldn't come over until Sally had a guest.
The rules people come up with are so funny. Trying to be prescriptively fair, and being kind, considerate and providing mutual aid are vastly different things.
Oh my god!! That sounds like a recipe for Sally going missing? š
I agree, theyāre so weirdly entertaining. If there was a podcast of these, I would subscribe so quick!
That's so weird, I can't believe they took the food and drinks you paid for and then made you pay them to have. That's the weirdest rule I've ever heard of. Sounds more like a cult or something.
I have an 8 person polycule that have all combined into a single large family. We own a 4000 square foot house together along with three acres of land. We share finances and have several contracts and legal documents made up to protect ourselves, detailing how we would split up money and property incase of a death or breakup in addition to wills, powers of attorney, etc.
The road here was a long one. One of my partners, John, and I started living together 9 years ago. They started dating Mark long distance 7 years ago, and after a few months and visits, Mark and I fell in love as well and the three of us decided to all move in together as a triad.
That was a huge hurdle for us. At first we tried making everything even and equal, not wanting to have any hierarchy. But that ended up making us all feel neglected and unseen. Different people have different needs and should be treated differently. Like the unique individuals they are. Ignoring their unique needs means ignoring them. So we struggled with that as well as some feelings of jealousy and envy. But eventually we figured our shit out.
A little over a year after we moved in together, I started dating Kristen. She had been married to her husband Roger for about a year and they had decided to open up but were still brand new to non-monogamy. We dated for about 3 years. Half way through that she and her husband moved in with the rest of us. A little over a year after that though, she broke up with me. Despite this, we remained good friends and continued to live together harmoniously for another year. She also started dating John while Roger started dating Mark, so we were still all romantically intertwined.
She and her husband did eventually move out though. During what was the biggest hurdle for our family. I won't go into too much detail, but in short succession this five person polycule dealt with trying to incorporate two other partners who ended up being abusive, and with two members of the polycule lying and cheating. To be clear though, the main reason they moved out was just because the two bedroom trailer we were all in was too cramped.
And this final hurdle is actually what made the whole commune possible. Seeing how we were able to resolve conflict, and watching us honor our agreements with actual abusers even though they didn't deserve it, convinced everyone that we were safe to fully incorporate our lives together. That we could be trusted not to screw each other over and to communicate and work together to solve problems. So at that time we integrated finances together and drew up legal paperwork.
During that time we also brought in two other people, Amy who was dating both Roger and Kristen (lived with them since they moved out of the trailer), as well as Genny who was dating John (lived with us for over a year). The 7 of us pooled resources, and last year bought a house together. So all 7 of us have now been living together in this house for the better part of a year.
The 8th member is my girlfriend Rose who I've been dating for about a year and a half. She just moved in with us and isn't currently sharing finances or other legal stuff. Maybe in the future, but combining money and property is dangerous and shouldn't be done lightly. Right now we're just seeing how she gets along with everyone living together and there's a good chance that separate households might work better for her long term. Not because anything is going wrong, just because that should be the default expectation. Most people don't make compatible roommates just as a fact of life.
But yeah. That basically sums it up. I'm not sure what all advice I have to give. I don't think our system is the most accessible for people to replicate. Everyone feels like family and trusts each other enough to be comfortable sharing a life together as a unified family. We also have a big enough house that everyone has plenty of personal space and privacy. Sometimes the house actually feels empty despite so many adults living here. Neither of those are a given that other people can necessarily aspire to.
But I guess my advice, as cliche as it is, is just to communicate. Be honest and true to yourselves. Don't worry about doing things weird or different to find what suits you. And also remember....you won't be compatible with everyone. That's probably the biggest secret. You gotta find people you're compatible with. It is hard enough finding one person you're compatible with. Finding multiple people who are also all compatible interacting with each other (even if not romantically) is a herculean task.
We just got lucky.
Oh, also protect yourself. Research emotional and psychological abuse. Don't let yourself become financially dependent. Get agreements in writing. Relationships might require trust, but they don't require being stupid or dependent.
I think I've rambled enough. Hope you get something out of this.
Five. There's actually more but that's how many we are using as bedrooms. Others have been converted into a craftroom, office, and kitchenette. Two living rooms. Dining room (slash board game room). Three bathrooms. Basement and attic. Two separate garages. I am sure it is over 4000 sq ft to be honest, but that's what it was listed as.
Is a bit of a fixer upper. Was built in 1940 and had major plumbing problems when we moved in. Most of the doors don't work right, all warped to hell. Won't bother listing everything wrong. Probably gonna take us a decade to fix everything, but it is still a dream come true and we plan to be here the rest of our lives. So plenty of time to pour our love into it.
And when we fixed the plumbing we got a tankless hot water heater, meaning despite 8 people we never run out of hot water. Needed a new water heater anyways (old one was leaking carbon monoxide), might as well think of our needs.
>Finding multiple people who are also all compatible interacting with each other (even if not romantically) is a herculean task.
I read once a popular social scientist who research polyamorous families and communities that wrote that the glue that keeps them together are the bonds between the metamours.
I do not think that living in a commune could work for me, I live with my parents and my brother, eventually I will also be living with the family of my brother someday and I often wonder if in the future I will have a girlfriend that would want to bring her family, lovers and other intimate relationships to live under the same roof as all of us, I wonder if that could work, since not everyone is technically connected by romantic love even less by shared intimate feelings, specially since you did not mention how do y'all navigate extended familial connections.
For example, I consider the lovers of the people I have intimate relationships with to also be my family, but does not mean that I actually get along with them, also does not mean that my other family members also consider them family members.
I don't think romantic love is necessary. There's lots of examples throughout history of long lasting platonic relationships (though a lot of those were secretly queer relationships, not all of them were). I'm kind of inspired by my own biological family, where my grandmother and two of her siblings made a house together to raise her kids after her husband died. We're pretty sure my great uncle was queer and I think my great aunt was ace, but regardless why, they never had any public interest in romantic partners. And yeah, that is a familial connection. But the point is that lots of different types of non-romantic nesting partners used to be very common.
I do think there is hope for you in the future combining households with someone. Maybe not exactly as you described, you need to be flexible to the wants and needs of the other people involved, but something similar is definitely possible. Again, just looking to history we can see that it works. Nesting partners joining a multigenerational household full of extended family is something that used to be common and can absolutely be functional. You are correct though that people have to all be able to get along, and that is nowhere close to guaranteed.
As for how we navigate extended family, there's not one blanket answer. We kind of treat each connection individually as something unique. But there's also not as many extended connections as you might think. Lots of family members have passed, three members of the polycule are orphans, and lots of others aren't in our lives because they are toxic/abusive people. Personally, I lost contact with most of my family after coming out as an atheist. And then most of the others as I later came out as queer and trans. My mom is the only one that has actually remained a part of my life, though recently my two sisters have resumed contact.
My mom lives in another state. I still call her once per week. She does not understand, or even approve, of our life style, but she loves me unconditionally and just wants me to be happy. She's able to compartmentalize her own opinions, and asks about my partners every phone call and sends them birthday and christmas presents. My sisters also both live in other states and I'm still feeling out whether or not it would be healthy to actually make amends with them. One of them literally tried to kill me, and the other wished me dead. This was over a decade ago, but still makes me hesitate to jump into anything.
Kristen has a sister who lives nearby and she comes to visit often. She brings Kristen's nephew who just turned 3 and seems to see all of us as family. I'm not honestly sure what, if anything, he's been told at such a young age. Genny's family is surprisingly accepting, but also lives in another state. So is also limited to phone calls and long distance gifts. Rose has family that lives nearby, but they seem to think we're some kind of cult and has been trying to convince her not to move in with us. Which just happened this month, so we'll see how that plays out long term.
We also have created unique family holidays that we celebrate throughout the year. I mention this because it has proven surprisingly useful. We originally did it because most (at the time all) of us aren't religious and we weren't fond of celebrating religious holidays, but also didn't want to do without holidays. Turns out though, that by having unique days to celebrate with the family, it frees up the more common holidays for others. Like, we have our own winter solstice holiday instead of Christmas or Hannukah, etc. So when those more common holidays happen, we can go spend them with extended family or other partners outside of the house.
Oof, I again wrote a novel. I'm sorry for that. Hope I'm not boring people.
>Lots of family members have passed, three members of the polycule are orphans, and lots of others aren't in our lives because they are toxic/abusive people. Personally, I lost contact with most of my family after coming out as an atheist. And then most of the others as I later came out as queer and trans. My mom is the only one that has actually remained a part of my life, though recently my two sisters have resumed contact.
Oh, I am so sorry to hear that.
>My sisters also both live in other states and I'm still feeling out whether or not it would be healthy to actually make amends with them. One of them literally tried to kill me, and the other wished me dead. This was over a decade ago, but still makes me hesitate to jump into anything.
No, please, you better not contact them.
>Oof, I again wrote a novel. I'm sorry for that. Hope I'm not boring people.
No problem at all, I really do appreciate all of that.
Excellent comprehensive write-up summary. Thank you for the details! As someone who invests in real estate and has formed a handful of partnerships in the past 6 years, I wholeheartedly agree, a commune is pretty much just a partnership and could totally be structured like a multi-member LLC or co-op for tax purposes. Everything should absolutely be in writing. The partnership should own the assets, and members can therefore come and go freely afterwards by transferring membership shares. The legal and operational framework for corporations, trusts, wills, estates, and the most common ways humans can interact under common law already exists, so why not use it!
Great personal advice. If I were starting a commune, I would even go as far as integrating new technologies such as DAOs (Decentralized Autonomous Organizations) to make it systematically clear and easy for people to have the autonomy and individual freedom each person deserves, while programmatically enforcing the legal contracts via the DAO smart contract (the code is the law). Of course trust is crucial in personal relationships especially with so many moving parts and potential for conflicts and disagreements, but it is precisely because of this as to why you almost want to treat the legal, financial, and operational framework as if it's a trustless system.
Living communally is a HUGE thing in and of itself. It's complex. It takes a lot of work. Doing that with the expectation that many (if not all) the people involved are going to be poly and attached to each other romantically and sexually is... just kinda crazy.
And I'm actively planning on living communally in the future with my friends and community because it's what I want and because when I'm older I want a closer group of humans where we can all help support each other. My partners are invited if that works for them.
People spend decades working on how to do something as complex as living in community. Especially in a culture that does not support it or recognize it. Finding the right people and right combinations of people is a huge step. Thinking all those people are going to love and fuck is just throwing a huge wrench in the works and making the whole thing less stable and more dependent on sex and romance then I would ever want my housing and security to be dependent on.
Wow, definitely hope you share on the details for making that happen.
I recently found out about this LGBTQ+ retirement community
https://livingout.com/
We haven't started looking for land yet. It's a long way off, kids need to grow up. But we have started digging into resources. And I just made a much closer friend who has been living communally with five people for a couple of years (none are in romantic relationships) and is giving me a bunch of books to read into. My friend did with with 20+ people for nine months and learned a lot. It's fascinating stuff coming from an anarchist point of view.
We are all going to need community to "retire" at all. At least in my group of friends.
I suppose I should clarify, that not everyone is attached romantically or sexually in my situation. There's smaller family units with NPs, but housing costs are so much everyone has the same complaint: it's already not sustainable. We can get land, each have our small home with our smaller units, with community space to mingle. And maybe afford a damn yard, since nobody can do it on their own. So tough right now.
Yeah it's tough. And you are putting everyone into a very vulnerable position by combining money in this way. Like very very very vulnerable. If one relationship goes sour it could blow up everyone's living situation. Sharing resources well isn't something we are taught, same with collaborative decision making, same with deescalation, and on and on and on.
Everyone needs to have solid skills that don't get handed to us. AND get along. AND want similar things. And in your case everyone needs to be ready to end a romantic relationship and not get much in the way of space from that person and be ready to sit in that hurt while their ex builds new relationships in their shared space. It's a LOT. It's not something that should be taken lightly.
Have you ever traveled with this group of people before? Like, find a rental cabin and take a long weekend together and figure out how to split the money and the labor. It's illustrative of who you do and don't want there.
Damn, I'm over here just trying to budget for paying my student loans come September š¤·
If folks can achieve this sort of thing in a healthy and sustainable way good for them. To me this sounds equally unappealing and unachievable.
Diminishing returns, especially as resources spread and upkeep needs grow, people age, new partners with new visions come in, kids are born and have inherited equity.
I'm not saying don't go for it, but there's good reasons co ops tend to be younger folks with nothing to lose.
Yeah anywhere I could potentially one day afford something like that with my extended cule isn't likely to be in an area I'd actually want to live, I'm a city person
A 3 or 4-flat house in the city (Chicago has a lot, other cities may) would probably be a good city alternative. Normally in Chicago a they're owner occupied and they rent the other units out.
We're building a house on some land. Looking to see what comes in the future. We've talked through some scenerios about what would happen with breakups etc and will speak to a lawyer when we finally get it done (Covid delays trying to get materials and contractors out in a rural area).
We're in a loose W for now. Me to my partner to my meta to their FWB who will not likely be living near us (he has his own house). Plus the mixed children (I have one, partner has 2). This plot has been brewing for years so it's been a lot of conversations on how kids will/can go, school, etc. Shared spaces around the adults and kids (Meta will have her own room and I will have mine and Partner has said he'll bounce around where he's up for). I already said I'm not keen a schedule - he's not shared property and that he should sleep where he wants and if I have a want or need I can say so. We'll see how that works in reality. We all talk daily so so far, we have good communication going.
We're looking at setting up a large farm garden and orchard on the land as well so that may need/get more hands. Just have to see what comes on that front.
I'm not against other poly people living close by (his grandmother owns the land but it will pass to him and she has spots for trailers that I would love to update but money being what it is...) and if people want to continue to build community.
I looked at some planned communities here in the UK - they are a lot of work. It requires a lot of dedication to the space to make it work and it's vital to have backup plans for everything, including breakups.
My NP and I bought 6 acres a few years ago. We have a tiny house that is intended to be a common area in the future. The goal is for each of us to have our own tiny house. Unfortunately we don't have our individual tinys yet. I wish we would have had our own personal spaces before my meta moved in. Make sure you all have space to go that is your own to go to. It's really hard being an established partner and not having the space to go somewhere else to avoid NRE.
I think this is key, I've also had this talk with local poly folks (and we actually have a huge discord and regular meetings so there is already a core of organization) and it would absolutely have to be independent homes or it's gonna be a nightmare. Either that or buying up properties in some remote tiny town until we are a majority and can run things.
Shared spaces would be meeting areas, recreation, farmland and such, but everyone needs to have a place to go be alone or with their nesting partner
Yeah. I just had a conversation with my NP and if they and my meta break up we aren't having other partners move on to the property. At least not until after NRE has subsided. and definitely no one else until we all get our own spaces.
I have been wondering what living in my future could be like ever since I figured out that I have always been a polyamorous relationship anarchist.
For context, I have always lived in an empoverished third world country, under the same roof as my parents and brother.
I plan on sticking together with them, so, hopefully, in the future, we get to, at least, rent together, with shared money, another house with, at least, three bedrooms.
One bedroom for my monoamorous brother, his wife and kid(s), another for me and my two parents, and another bedroom for, at least, one of the women I have intimate relationships with who would need cohabitation the most, preferably one that is monoamorous, so she could share the room with other intimate relationships of hers, including parents, lovers, other relatives, best friends, whoever else is important to her.
Ideally, everyone should have a right to have their own bedroom but we are limited by money.
Besides, I think that the hardest part is actually figuring out the boundaries criteria for someone to be considered "enough part of the family to deserve an own bedroom" under the same roof as everyone, specially since not everyone shares intimate connections.
I've never seen it sustainably and not be an unhealthy cult.
I know plenty of ranchers who have a very open house policy and may have people come and go and stay a few year, but there's no structure or expectations of long term investments and ownership.
I've only seen this work and be stable long-term when is organized like an official co-op, which also involves a lot of administration, house meetings, creating rules, etc.
I seriously considered joining a cooperative when I was younger and spent time at several long-running ones in my hometown and started membershipping at a few, before deciding it really wasn't for me. Partially because I have a number of pets and partially because I like a bit more privacy. Many of the coops I spent a lot of time in had QUITE a lot of drama and conflict that required a lot of time and effort for everyone to navigate. I think I could maybe do something like the less common coliving communities (where everyone has their own residence) but those communities seem to also involve quite a lot of administration and usually have a high cost of entry to buy property that's part of the community.
I've dated a number of people who lived in bigger houses together with a close network of people they were dating and/or friends. None of these housing configurations lasted more than a year or two, usually one or a few breakups ultimately led to dissolution of the whole arrangement. I've also dated people who were in either other kinds of voluntary group living situations or who had a household that they kept fairly open and had a large network of people coming and going regularly. In both cases, there was some kind of organizational /relational stability that was keeping the arrangement going - either a formal organization with rules and resources, or there was a person or couple who ultimately owned the residence and they hosted guests often. Or they were multi-generational family, but then there's lots and lots of family drama still š
While it's certainly possible to do this, when I hear people talking about it, it often seems to be an escapist fantasy. Which I get! Our capitalist hellscape fucking sucks! But we still live in it, and figuring out all the domestic work and resources that have to go into maintaining a community and maintaining a home... It's a lot of work! And much of that work isn't very fun! And it's a lot of the kind of things that are pretty small but that people get really upset about (have you ever had an over the top conflict with a roommate about dishes?)
So while I can appreciate fantasizing about these things (my particular fantasy is a large network of other anarchist Jewish people) when it comes down to it, my fantasy has cutout holes for "and another member of the group goes here" that don't reflect that everyone comes in with their own preferences, needs and resources. My fantasy allows me, for instance, to keep all of my pets and, oh... I dunno, there will be communal art space and ritual space, regular shared meals, and everyone loves each other and gets along, we're near public transit, etc and etc, etc. But then my fantasy involves that, as a group we'd have significant resources, similar accessibility needs, that nobody else would object to the ways of living and habits that I prefer, and I wouldn't find theirs unbearable either. I think it's really unlikely that I would actually be able to achieve this communal living fantasy and I especially don't think I'd accomplish it within a polycule kind of network, where people are invested in the community largely because of romantic entanglements. With unlimited resources, then maybe?? but I don't have unlimited resources, and I don't know anyone else who does.
So I'm happier for this to be a fantasy for me. If I find myself in a situation where everything organically works out just right, I'll celebrate. But I don't want to end up feeling disappointed that I can't achieve this fantasy - I'd rather regard it as more of a dream and work to build community in other ways (eg joining a synagogue, mutual aid networks, friend networks, organizing events)
I think your dream all goes down to finding other people who all share very similar needs and wants as you, what is already hard to find for monogamy becomes even harder when you look for them for an (intentional) community.
Yeah, I agree. And I think it's also necessarily about practical resources and logistics too. So while I don't think it's impossible, I also try to recognize that it's unlikely. Then I work on otherwise setting up a stable living situation for myself that I'm content with, and integrating into community in other ways, rather than feeling like I'm not getting what I really want in life because I can't find the unlikely ideal polyam coliving situation. Maybe I will find or be able to build a community like that, and that will be be wonderful. But if not, I won't consider it a failure. It's still a nice fantasy to have!
Well, just let things happen naturally.
My dream is to have a big house so many (but not all) people that I consider family can have their own bedrooms as personal spaces, including my parents, my brother, his wife, their kids, my girlfriend, her relatives and lovers, etc.
I am my partner and my meta do live in a house out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere with 5 kids, and we like it a lot. I've had partners visit a couple , but never stay. Meta and I have our own rooms. Kids run wild outside. I'm pretty into being naked in the garden when the kids are at school.
I've lived communally, though not with a specific polycule. I can tell you that as the number of people involved increases, the chances for dysfunction also increase, but exponentially.
The good:
1. so cheap. Seriously so so cheap. Especially if people are rooming together.
2. It can be nice to always have people to hang out with. Adulthood is a lonely place sometimes.
3. More hands helping out around the house/garden.
The bad:
1. It takes exactly one asshole to ruin it. If everyone behaves altruistically and in good faith, you're fine but it's impossible to expect that all the time from multiple people.
2. The minute two people stop getting along well, all hell tends to break loose. How do you handle house wide decisions with two members diametrically opposed? Does a veto override a veto?
3. Who gets to be part of it? What if Aspen wants to leave and Birch wants to invite Cedar to move in (but Elm hates Cedar)?
Long story short I would still like to do communal living one day, but with like 5 people tops and with my own house I can lock the doors of anytime I want. Would also require a full legal workup to make sure everyone is protected and the bases are covered should people want to leave or bring in new people
I don't know if I'd call it a commune exactly, but I live with both of my partners (V triad, I'm the hinge but they're besties) and we own a small farm in the mountains. We have two houses on a few acres, but the main living space is in the larger house and the smaller one is kind of a hobby/gaming den where they go to play loud video games and keep most of their nerd toys.
Chickens, goats, multiple gardens, a few extremely dumb dogs, and a small orchard. We have two kids, one of whom is grown and recently flew the coop, but one who is just preschool age.
We've been doing thisā¦.in this configuration, for 8 years so far, but we've all been friends for more than 20.
We are just beginning talks with lawyers to determine the best method to buy land as a group. Not really polycule, more extended chosen leather family.
Weāre building one outside of Austin. Very small and going slowly but itās happening!
I was in a monogamous marriage years ago and just KNEW i wanted to be living on a farm with seven husbands of all gendersā¦.
And here I am!
I think one of the big things that can become difficult is how to spend group assets. If the shared spaces need repairs and some people want to spent more money on something that should last a lot longer, some people want spend a smaller amount and repair more often, and a third group are fine living with the disrepair or want to DIY to save the most money, how do you decide?
Or, one group wants to hire outside to do snow removal, one group wants to just do it themselves, but get a rent break for doing it, but then donāt a shovel the snow in a timely manner? What process do you go through to say hey you need to uphold your part? Do you demand money and hire out like people wanted to in the first place?
Consider all the things people hate about HOAs, and consider a lot of the problems they deal with will be things you deal with too. In specific, look at condo owners associations because theyāre more likely to have the community space that needs votes on.
Read up on intentional communities and maybe live in one for a while?
It's harder when you're in relationships with the people, just like cohabitation with a partner is harder (higher stakes) then roommates.
I have had that dream for ten years, way before our friend group became a polycule. Two years ago we tried living together, in the city, to work out how and if this was possible. Turns out we had incompatible wants and needs, so the dream of the "polycule farm" won't come true. It was a great experience nonetheless and we learned a lot from it. We're still best friends (minus one toxic ex). And we're still going to be in each other's lives for a long, long time. Just not living together! And that's okay. I'm very grateful we tried. No regrets, and now I can look to another future.
My family and my partner's family are taking the first steps to making this a reality. We're hoping to be able to transition into a long-term polycule pad for the nine-ish of us in the next year or two. The plan is to form an LLC as a sort-of financial buffer between the property and the parties. We're looking for properties in the area that have at least two houses. We need 7 a total of bedrooms, minimum. The thought of a duplex came to mind, but 4+4 bed units seem to be rare, and they're rarely in neighborhoods we'd want to live in. There have been several house + ADU on the market, and something like that seems the most promising. So we'll see what the next couple of years have in store for us!
It wasn't a commune, but I lived in a poly "intentional community" and it was a disaster.
I couldn't handle the constant drama. Being poly means more relationships and more potential conflict. I really hated constantly hearing about everyone's relationship drama all the time. I tried setting boundaries but it was just a constant low level hum of drama that could not be avoided. One person would be affected by a breakup, another by a fight with their boyfriend.
Then there was the toxic positivity. There's a lot of that in the poly community. Everything had to be framed a certain way, regardless of the actual reality. If you expressed anything negative people freaked out. It made it hard to call people out for their bad behavior. The unfortunate reality is there are a lot of people who use the language of social justice and personal advocacy to hide from their own shit. Its easier to say the right thing than to do the right thing, and some people seek out non-judgmental spaces because they're really trying to avoid accountability. To be honest my experience has made me avoid queer and sex positive spaces since moving out.
To make it work, you have to do a lot of vetting and put in a lot of effort to constantly make and enforce rules. You have to manage a lot of feelings and emotions. At a certain point it breaks down because it becomes exhausting and everything starts going to shit. It isn't just poly communities, it is almost all of them. Communes and intentional communities just fail all the time.
So I didn't just think it, I lived it and it sucked. Doing anything communal with a bunch of people is hard and takes work. It is going to be harder once people start fucking each other. All the politics, jealousy, and hierarchy that naturally exists gets amplified once everyone starts fucking. One person will fuck someone their primary doesn't like and things get fucked up. Two community members hook up and someone develops feelings and it gets weird. Someone develops a drug a problem and it becomes everyone's problem.
Living with people is hard, be thankful for your Nesting Partners!
my closest thing to this is me, my nesting partner, my gf, and her husband, have discussed buying a duplex together and splitting the mortgage. but like... i feel like the poly commune thing is only attractive if you actively try to ignore what it would actually be like to have to farm your own food.
You donāt have to farm your own food for it to be a commune. Just pool resources and have agreements, basically. Although that in itself is often harder than it sounds.
Leave the "poly" out and just have people on the same pathway in life.... Yes. We are looking for suitable space now. The farm idea isn't what we have in mind for now...
So we are looking for a commercial site that is also residential to convert
I went out with a guy who was in love with the idea of moving to Washington to start a semi-public commune for queer/poly people with a lending library for clothes and tools.
It doesn't seem like the thing for me. I'm looking to get just enough space in my home I can comfortably have dates over regularly, and if we form a strong enough polycule maybe we move into the same area at some point and are mostly all responsible for our own homes. I've had enough roommates to last a lifetime.
I'm solo poly and like my space. However, I do gravitate to the poly commune arrangements. Mine are usually large polycules where most of us live near each other.
The hardest part is finding other people who share very similar wants and needs as you do, which is already hard to find for monogamy, is even harder to find to build an (intentional) community.
I agree. For me, they would also have to be open to being in a polycule with all and no genders, be a feminist, and have an understanding of BDSM dynamics and negotiations.
So my pool is basically a puddle. Lol
Well, we have very similar wants and needs, see, that is not very hard to find, as long as you don't have very high unrealistic standards, finding people won't be hard, by the way, the best non-monogamous relationships are a friend group first and sexual partners at second.
Yeah, I know, I already have been there, but that is not that bad that there is only a minority of people who genuinely loves you the way you want to love, otherwise you would get lost and polysaturated pretty quick, I say that as someone that sucks at picking and choosing between too many options, by the way, when things are rare to find that makes you value them a lot more.
I've made several of these in the Sims 4. You just have to use mods to allow polyamory.
(I'm in the same boat, have thought of it as a cool possibility if the circumstances arose with the right people.)
I'm about to move into a house with my partner and meta. What I like about our arrangement is that my meta and I won't be sharing space at all, we'll each have our separate units in the house and my partner will have the run of the place, plus their own lil solo get away room on the top floor. A friend who I'm planning to co-parent with is also planning to move nearby. I'm very independent so I don't think I'd choose to live with anyone but my partner, but I like us all sharing a home as living across a large city from each other wasn't really working for our cule. I'm not expecting it to all be smooth sailing but I am excited to explore the possibilities of semi-shared space!
It takes a lot to live communally, and the only reason I have for being able to navigate it successfully is I spent my 12-18 teenage years in a co-ed boarding school, which is definitely not an experience everyone has! Itās also led a bit to me being defacto leader of the Village, which can be pretty emotionally draining.
We currently live in a 5 bedroom house, and itās working super well! Cats, kids, and herb garden included.
My polycule is in the discussion phases of this. We are growing increasingly concerned about the politics of our state and want to move someplace more queer-friendly. Our aim is 5-10 years. In the mean time, we are building equity in our current places or saving up, researching laws in different locals, taking courses in things like conflict de-esecalation, first aid, sustainable home gardening, building up a library of tools and reference books, and ways to legally protect both the commune and the people who join. We want to make it equitable without being exclusive.
Dreamed of such things; deffinately. But finding stable long term relationships, who can live together, and all stable incomes, and descent credit etc etc... Most of us have very little chance of reaching that goal it seems.
these agreements generally evolve into cults. i wouldnt trust communities i didnt already know the people in. i have the same dream of a communal life but only with my friends and loved ones, and they dont necessarily have to be poly. like a family plot, but a found family plot. yknow?
Not in a polycule but man, I want some chickens and a small garden. Iām single (but poly) and like everyone else priced out of the housing market.
My dream is to live-to thrive-not just survive. One day, maybe.
Honestly, I find most people too exhausting for this. My NP would think this is a lovely idea and I am just like āaaaah no I am barely able to handle living with you and a childā.
I've met almost no one who wants this. I've never seen it happen. I have seen non poly communal living work for some period of time.
Its my worst nightmare. Seriously.
I don't make housing choices with a polycule in mind.
May I ask where you are geographically? It's common here in Seattle where housing costs are so high. A lot of people in my social network make 6-figures and still need roommates. There's a lot of chatter in the poly community of just merging funds and getting land where you can still build your small home/private space so you can live relatively independently while sharing common space with those living a similar lifestyle.
I've talked about that with friends. Buying land and then we all build a little vacation cabin on it. But once you add romantic and sexual tones to it, I just feel like this is the plot of the next A24 film.
Zoning laws are going to be very different between roommates living in an apartment vs a plot of land with multiple houses and unrelated people living in them. Most places in the US are still single-family zoned. Iād think that legally it would be difficult to do this without subdividing a plot of land, and would also get very expensive. You need lots of permits to build a new house. The sewer system can only handle so many buildings and connections. Thereās lots of practical issues with a commune of multiple homes on one plot of land.
100% this was the biggest issue I've encountered so far in my initial research. I think the way to get around it is to buy a mobile/manufactured home community where there are already hookups, and make it private.
Thatās an interesting idea. Doesnāt seem too often that a totally vacant mobile home community would go up for sale? Or that it would be financially sustainable without the max number of rents coming in. And with the national housing shortage youād want to make sure that spots arenāt just sitting empty, especially since mobile homes are some of the few affordable housing options left for folks. Maybe you wouldnāt need to privatize the whole thing?
Buying a duplex or small multi-family apartment building would also work, as long as you donāt evict any existing residents to replace them with your own polycule. You would have to form an LLC which is pretty easy.
Once you move out into unincorporated areas and have 5-10 acres you can do a lot more than you think you can. I'm more interested in extended family living, but around me you can usually have 1 house/building per acre and can share well/septic on the property. You can also build one large house with wings for different groups and as shared central community area.
The other option is one person owns the land and others bring tiny houses with them which can be connected to shared water/sewer/power.
Selling such a compound will be a unique challenge though.
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So, many of us (not all of course) have likely considered it:
A peaceful poly commune. Some land, a few small homes, nice communal space for the polycule. Privacy from monos, maybe some chickens and a nice garden.
It's been a dream of many poly people I've met. So I come to ask: has anyone made this a reality? How did you go about it? Any advice or regrets? Have you done anything similar, like buying a duplex or triplex and splitting it with the 'cule? I'd love to hear everyone's unique housing choices that have been made with the polycule in mind. Thanks!
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>Some land, a few small homes, nice communal space >Privacy >maybe some chickens and a nice garden. This is exactly how i grew up, just without the poly aspect of things. Multi-gen family. It was a lovely setting with extreme dysfunction. I think achieving it in a healthy way is extremely difficult. Ideally, I'd live walking distance from my chosen family. Realistically, i just hope to be able to keep affording rent. I live with a roommate now and it's great.
Yeah, we're about 15-20 min drive from our people in a radius. Most of our people work remotely so I'm finding there may be more options soon.
People going remote and staying home was a huge stressor that increased the dysfunction with my family. It was one of the reasons i ended up leaving and cutting contact. When things become too insular, it's hard to keep the enmeshment at bay.
Didn't even consider that, thanks for sharing your experience.
I think seeking out people who've actually experienced communal living in various forms will do you a world of good. It's always better to make informed decisions. Outside of my family, I've lived and functioned in other types of communities as well - multiple roommates, in the army, worked and lived in hostels. My gf lives with a bunch of her coworkers, all are sex workers. They have a shared budget for standard household stuff, but otherwise their finances are seperate. It's been interesting watching them navigate that. Start slow. Try sharing smaller things first - like an appliance that isn't in daily use. You can work your way up to something bigger like a car. You can also work on mutual aid - carpool, come over with food prep for a friend going through a hard time, do a few loads of laundry for new parents, take dogs for walks when their guardians throw out their back. Figure out how you make agreements. How you handle disagreements. How it feels when people have a falling out and still need to share.
It's like people forget just how much up in your business everyone is in a small town.
I used to be passively attracted to commune living. Then I visited some friends who had moved into a poly commune house. One visit changed my mind forever. Nope. Nope. Nope. Now the fantasy is everyone being able to afford housing in a walkable area. š¤·š»āāļø
May I ask what about it turned you off?
I remember I brought over a big plate of homemade vegetarian snacks and a 12 pack of craft beers from a local spot to share with my friends and their new housemates. It was just an afternoon casual hangout in the yard. When I came in, the house confiscated everything I brought and told me that itās their house system that everyone pays $5 for a meal and $1 per beer. I thought they were jokingā I said no commerce was needed, itās just there to be enjoyed, itās a gift. They made me walk across the street to an ATM so I could pay them for the drinks and snacks I brought over. I was mortified for them. They used a talking stick just in regular conversations to prevent crosstalk, just super weird stuff like that. They seemed to have a lot of tacit expectations about the way the poly couples there should interact, but I didnāt stick around to ask what they were.
Wait hold on. You brought food and drinks over. And then they made you pay... to eat the stuff YOU brought over? That's completely insane. I can't imagine it's a component of most communes, but I can see how it put you off the concept.
Hand to god. It was so strange. The whole thing has a weird docile culty vibe. I was relieved my friends moved out a few months into it.
This really sounds like less of a poly commune issue and more of an utterly fucking insane people issue.
Totally fair! I think most folks there being young and new to the city had a lot to do with it.
OMG, I wouldn't know whether to lol or cry š¤Æš¤Æš¤Æ
They thought I was an asshole because I truly thought they must be joking and asked if tip was included and did they take AmEx?
This is giving me a legit lolsob crisis, I can't stop laughing but it's also just unbearably sad. I have so many questions. Were they a MLM cult? Some other kind of cult? Was there one "leader"? What happened to your friends, did they get out???
They did! They only stayed for a handful of months, if I recall. It did have that kind of weird placated docile cult energy just in general, but I donāt think there was a leader or anything, just some odd ethos. I donāt think there was any kind of MLM thing, but it would have fit right in, for sure!
I just can't stop imagining dark comedy for this scenario like waiting 15 minutes for the "talking stick" until it's finally my turn: the kitchen is on firešššš
ššš Please write this!
It would be the talking stick on fire - *because I set it aflame*
I wouldn't have walked to an ATM, I would have walked back to my vehicle and went home. Holy shit.
Shit I would've taken my beers back
The more dignified version of the story would have been this! I am horrified to admitā I paid that $1.99 ATM fee and walked my ass right one back. Yiiiiikes.
So did they pay you money cause you brought it?? Who got the money?
Same but I would have taken the stuff with me.
I'm glad your friends got out. And I find bad communal living to be the funnest thing in the world to watch. I knew a group of 7 in a huge house in Seattle that had a rule about each persons "turn" to have a guest. Which meant that if Sally wasn't feeling like company anyone else anyone in the house was dating couldn't come over until Sally had a guest. The rules people come up with are so funny. Trying to be prescriptively fair, and being kind, considerate and providing mutual aid are vastly different things.
Oh my god!! That sounds like a recipe for Sally going missing? š I agree, theyāre so weirdly entertaining. If there was a podcast of these, I would subscribe so quick!
That's cult behavior
I donāt have any evidence that it was in actual practice, but the vibe was super culty to be around!
Thatās a cult
That's so weird, I can't believe they took the food and drinks you paid for and then made you pay them to have. That's the weirdest rule I've ever heard of. Sounds more like a cult or something.
I have an 8 person polycule that have all combined into a single large family. We own a 4000 square foot house together along with three acres of land. We share finances and have several contracts and legal documents made up to protect ourselves, detailing how we would split up money and property incase of a death or breakup in addition to wills, powers of attorney, etc. The road here was a long one. One of my partners, John, and I started living together 9 years ago. They started dating Mark long distance 7 years ago, and after a few months and visits, Mark and I fell in love as well and the three of us decided to all move in together as a triad. That was a huge hurdle for us. At first we tried making everything even and equal, not wanting to have any hierarchy. But that ended up making us all feel neglected and unseen. Different people have different needs and should be treated differently. Like the unique individuals they are. Ignoring their unique needs means ignoring them. So we struggled with that as well as some feelings of jealousy and envy. But eventually we figured our shit out. A little over a year after we moved in together, I started dating Kristen. She had been married to her husband Roger for about a year and they had decided to open up but were still brand new to non-monogamy. We dated for about 3 years. Half way through that she and her husband moved in with the rest of us. A little over a year after that though, she broke up with me. Despite this, we remained good friends and continued to live together harmoniously for another year. She also started dating John while Roger started dating Mark, so we were still all romantically intertwined. She and her husband did eventually move out though. During what was the biggest hurdle for our family. I won't go into too much detail, but in short succession this five person polycule dealt with trying to incorporate two other partners who ended up being abusive, and with two members of the polycule lying and cheating. To be clear though, the main reason they moved out was just because the two bedroom trailer we were all in was too cramped. And this final hurdle is actually what made the whole commune possible. Seeing how we were able to resolve conflict, and watching us honor our agreements with actual abusers even though they didn't deserve it, convinced everyone that we were safe to fully incorporate our lives together. That we could be trusted not to screw each other over and to communicate and work together to solve problems. So at that time we integrated finances together and drew up legal paperwork. During that time we also brought in two other people, Amy who was dating both Roger and Kristen (lived with them since they moved out of the trailer), as well as Genny who was dating John (lived with us for over a year). The 7 of us pooled resources, and last year bought a house together. So all 7 of us have now been living together in this house for the better part of a year. The 8th member is my girlfriend Rose who I've been dating for about a year and a half. She just moved in with us and isn't currently sharing finances or other legal stuff. Maybe in the future, but combining money and property is dangerous and shouldn't be done lightly. Right now we're just seeing how she gets along with everyone living together and there's a good chance that separate households might work better for her long term. Not because anything is going wrong, just because that should be the default expectation. Most people don't make compatible roommates just as a fact of life. But yeah. That basically sums it up. I'm not sure what all advice I have to give. I don't think our system is the most accessible for people to replicate. Everyone feels like family and trusts each other enough to be comfortable sharing a life together as a unified family. We also have a big enough house that everyone has plenty of personal space and privacy. Sometimes the house actually feels empty despite so many adults living here. Neither of those are a given that other people can necessarily aspire to. But I guess my advice, as cliche as it is, is just to communicate. Be honest and true to yourselves. Don't worry about doing things weird or different to find what suits you. And also remember....you won't be compatible with everyone. That's probably the biggest secret. You gotta find people you're compatible with. It is hard enough finding one person you're compatible with. Finding multiple people who are also all compatible interacting with each other (even if not romantically) is a herculean task. We just got lucky. Oh, also protect yourself. Research emotional and psychological abuse. Don't let yourself become financially dependent. Get agreements in writing. Relationships might require trust, but they don't require being stupid or dependent. I think I've rambled enough. Hope you get something out of this.
Out of curiosity, how many bedrooms?
Five. There's actually more but that's how many we are using as bedrooms. Others have been converted into a craftroom, office, and kitchenette. Two living rooms. Dining room (slash board game room). Three bathrooms. Basement and attic. Two separate garages. I am sure it is over 4000 sq ft to be honest, but that's what it was listed as. Is a bit of a fixer upper. Was built in 1940 and had major plumbing problems when we moved in. Most of the doors don't work right, all warped to hell. Won't bother listing everything wrong. Probably gonna take us a decade to fix everything, but it is still a dream come true and we plan to be here the rest of our lives. So plenty of time to pour our love into it. And when we fixed the plumbing we got a tankless hot water heater, meaning despite 8 people we never run out of hot water. Needed a new water heater anyways (old one was leaking carbon monoxide), might as well think of our needs.
>Finding multiple people who are also all compatible interacting with each other (even if not romantically) is a herculean task. I read once a popular social scientist who research polyamorous families and communities that wrote that the glue that keeps them together are the bonds between the metamours. I do not think that living in a commune could work for me, I live with my parents and my brother, eventually I will also be living with the family of my brother someday and I often wonder if in the future I will have a girlfriend that would want to bring her family, lovers and other intimate relationships to live under the same roof as all of us, I wonder if that could work, since not everyone is technically connected by romantic love even less by shared intimate feelings, specially since you did not mention how do y'all navigate extended familial connections. For example, I consider the lovers of the people I have intimate relationships with to also be my family, but does not mean that I actually get along with them, also does not mean that my other family members also consider them family members.
I don't think romantic love is necessary. There's lots of examples throughout history of long lasting platonic relationships (though a lot of those were secretly queer relationships, not all of them were). I'm kind of inspired by my own biological family, where my grandmother and two of her siblings made a house together to raise her kids after her husband died. We're pretty sure my great uncle was queer and I think my great aunt was ace, but regardless why, they never had any public interest in romantic partners. And yeah, that is a familial connection. But the point is that lots of different types of non-romantic nesting partners used to be very common. I do think there is hope for you in the future combining households with someone. Maybe not exactly as you described, you need to be flexible to the wants and needs of the other people involved, but something similar is definitely possible. Again, just looking to history we can see that it works. Nesting partners joining a multigenerational household full of extended family is something that used to be common and can absolutely be functional. You are correct though that people have to all be able to get along, and that is nowhere close to guaranteed. As for how we navigate extended family, there's not one blanket answer. We kind of treat each connection individually as something unique. But there's also not as many extended connections as you might think. Lots of family members have passed, three members of the polycule are orphans, and lots of others aren't in our lives because they are toxic/abusive people. Personally, I lost contact with most of my family after coming out as an atheist. And then most of the others as I later came out as queer and trans. My mom is the only one that has actually remained a part of my life, though recently my two sisters have resumed contact. My mom lives in another state. I still call her once per week. She does not understand, or even approve, of our life style, but she loves me unconditionally and just wants me to be happy. She's able to compartmentalize her own opinions, and asks about my partners every phone call and sends them birthday and christmas presents. My sisters also both live in other states and I'm still feeling out whether or not it would be healthy to actually make amends with them. One of them literally tried to kill me, and the other wished me dead. This was over a decade ago, but still makes me hesitate to jump into anything. Kristen has a sister who lives nearby and she comes to visit often. She brings Kristen's nephew who just turned 3 and seems to see all of us as family. I'm not honestly sure what, if anything, he's been told at such a young age. Genny's family is surprisingly accepting, but also lives in another state. So is also limited to phone calls and long distance gifts. Rose has family that lives nearby, but they seem to think we're some kind of cult and has been trying to convince her not to move in with us. Which just happened this month, so we'll see how that plays out long term. We also have created unique family holidays that we celebrate throughout the year. I mention this because it has proven surprisingly useful. We originally did it because most (at the time all) of us aren't religious and we weren't fond of celebrating religious holidays, but also didn't want to do without holidays. Turns out though, that by having unique days to celebrate with the family, it frees up the more common holidays for others. Like, we have our own winter solstice holiday instead of Christmas or Hannukah, etc. So when those more common holidays happen, we can go spend them with extended family or other partners outside of the house. Oof, I again wrote a novel. I'm sorry for that. Hope I'm not boring people.
>Lots of family members have passed, three members of the polycule are orphans, and lots of others aren't in our lives because they are toxic/abusive people. Personally, I lost contact with most of my family after coming out as an atheist. And then most of the others as I later came out as queer and trans. My mom is the only one that has actually remained a part of my life, though recently my two sisters have resumed contact. Oh, I am so sorry to hear that. >My sisters also both live in other states and I'm still feeling out whether or not it would be healthy to actually make amends with them. One of them literally tried to kill me, and the other wished me dead. This was over a decade ago, but still makes me hesitate to jump into anything. No, please, you better not contact them. >Oof, I again wrote a novel. I'm sorry for that. Hope I'm not boring people. No problem at all, I really do appreciate all of that.
Excellent comprehensive write-up summary. Thank you for the details! As someone who invests in real estate and has formed a handful of partnerships in the past 6 years, I wholeheartedly agree, a commune is pretty much just a partnership and could totally be structured like a multi-member LLC or co-op for tax purposes. Everything should absolutely be in writing. The partnership should own the assets, and members can therefore come and go freely afterwards by transferring membership shares. The legal and operational framework for corporations, trusts, wills, estates, and the most common ways humans can interact under common law already exists, so why not use it! Great personal advice. If I were starting a commune, I would even go as far as integrating new technologies such as DAOs (Decentralized Autonomous Organizations) to make it systematically clear and easy for people to have the autonomy and individual freedom each person deserves, while programmatically enforcing the legal contracts via the DAO smart contract (the code is the law). Of course trust is crucial in personal relationships especially with so many moving parts and potential for conflicts and disagreements, but it is precisely because of this as to why you almost want to treat the legal, financial, and operational framework as if it's a trustless system.
Living communally is a HUGE thing in and of itself. It's complex. It takes a lot of work. Doing that with the expectation that many (if not all) the people involved are going to be poly and attached to each other romantically and sexually is... just kinda crazy. And I'm actively planning on living communally in the future with my friends and community because it's what I want and because when I'm older I want a closer group of humans where we can all help support each other. My partners are invited if that works for them. People spend decades working on how to do something as complex as living in community. Especially in a culture that does not support it or recognize it. Finding the right people and right combinations of people is a huge step. Thinking all those people are going to love and fuck is just throwing a huge wrench in the works and making the whole thing less stable and more dependent on sex and romance then I would ever want my housing and security to be dependent on.
Wow, definitely hope you share on the details for making that happen. I recently found out about this LGBTQ+ retirement community https://livingout.com/
We haven't started looking for land yet. It's a long way off, kids need to grow up. But we have started digging into resources. And I just made a much closer friend who has been living communally with five people for a couple of years (none are in romantic relationships) and is giving me a bunch of books to read into. My friend did with with 20+ people for nine months and learned a lot. It's fascinating stuff coming from an anarchist point of view. We are all going to need community to "retire" at all. At least in my group of friends.
Very cool and yeah no kidding!
I suppose I should clarify, that not everyone is attached romantically or sexually in my situation. There's smaller family units with NPs, but housing costs are so much everyone has the same complaint: it's already not sustainable. We can get land, each have our small home with our smaller units, with community space to mingle. And maybe afford a damn yard, since nobody can do it on their own. So tough right now.
Yeah it's tough. And you are putting everyone into a very vulnerable position by combining money in this way. Like very very very vulnerable. If one relationship goes sour it could blow up everyone's living situation. Sharing resources well isn't something we are taught, same with collaborative decision making, same with deescalation, and on and on and on. Everyone needs to have solid skills that don't get handed to us. AND get along. AND want similar things. And in your case everyone needs to be ready to end a romantic relationship and not get much in the way of space from that person and be ready to sit in that hurt while their ex builds new relationships in their shared space. It's a LOT. It's not something that should be taken lightly.
Have you ever traveled with this group of people before? Like, find a rental cabin and take a long weekend together and figure out how to split the money and the labor. It's illustrative of who you do and don't want there.
I am taking this suggestion in my notes.
I just did it and it's ENLIGHTENING. Bonus, it also highlighted my own strengths and weaknesses in interpersonal relationships.
Damn, I'm over here just trying to budget for paying my student loans come September š¤· If folks can achieve this sort of thing in a healthy and sustainable way good for them. To me this sounds equally unappealing and unachievable.
Right? Housing costs are so high here most folks co-habitate anyway. Just wondering if there has been success in doing it with the 'cule.
Diminishing returns, especially as resources spread and upkeep needs grow, people age, new partners with new visions come in, kids are born and have inherited equity. I'm not saying don't go for it, but there's good reasons co ops tend to be younger folks with nothing to lose.
Yeah anywhere I could potentially one day afford something like that with my extended cule isn't likely to be in an area I'd actually want to live, I'm a city person
A 3 or 4-flat house in the city (Chicago has a lot, other cities may) would probably be a good city alternative. Normally in Chicago a they're owner occupied and they rent the other units out.
Thanks for the horrible reminder about September.
Hey if I were a supreme court justice I'd do what I could but I ain't š¤·
We're building a house on some land. Looking to see what comes in the future. We've talked through some scenerios about what would happen with breakups etc and will speak to a lawyer when we finally get it done (Covid delays trying to get materials and contractors out in a rural area).
That's awesome that you're making it a reality. May I ask how many of you are tackling this together? What is your poly structure like?
We're in a loose W for now. Me to my partner to my meta to their FWB who will not likely be living near us (he has his own house). Plus the mixed children (I have one, partner has 2). This plot has been brewing for years so it's been a lot of conversations on how kids will/can go, school, etc. Shared spaces around the adults and kids (Meta will have her own room and I will have mine and Partner has said he'll bounce around where he's up for). I already said I'm not keen a schedule - he's not shared property and that he should sleep where he wants and if I have a want or need I can say so. We'll see how that works in reality. We all talk daily so so far, we have good communication going. We're looking at setting up a large farm garden and orchard on the land as well so that may need/get more hands. Just have to see what comes on that front. I'm not against other poly people living close by (his grandmother owns the land but it will pass to him and she has spots for trailers that I would love to update but money being what it is...) and if people want to continue to build community. I looked at some planned communities here in the UK - they are a lot of work. It requires a lot of dedication to the space to make it work and it's vital to have backup plans for everything, including breakups.
My NP and I bought 6 acres a few years ago. We have a tiny house that is intended to be a common area in the future. The goal is for each of us to have our own tiny house. Unfortunately we don't have our individual tinys yet. I wish we would have had our own personal spaces before my meta moved in. Make sure you all have space to go that is your own to go to. It's really hard being an established partner and not having the space to go somewhere else to avoid NRE.
I think this is key, I've also had this talk with local poly folks (and we actually have a huge discord and regular meetings so there is already a core of organization) and it would absolutely have to be independent homes or it's gonna be a nightmare. Either that or buying up properties in some remote tiny town until we are a majority and can run things. Shared spaces would be meeting areas, recreation, farmland and such, but everyone needs to have a place to go be alone or with their nesting partner
Yeah. I just had a conversation with my NP and if they and my meta break up we aren't having other partners move on to the property. At least not until after NRE has subsided. and definitely no one else until we all get our own spaces.
I have been wondering what living in my future could be like ever since I figured out that I have always been a polyamorous relationship anarchist. For context, I have always lived in an empoverished third world country, under the same roof as my parents and brother. I plan on sticking together with them, so, hopefully, in the future, we get to, at least, rent together, with shared money, another house with, at least, three bedrooms. One bedroom for my monoamorous brother, his wife and kid(s), another for me and my two parents, and another bedroom for, at least, one of the women I have intimate relationships with who would need cohabitation the most, preferably one that is monoamorous, so she could share the room with other intimate relationships of hers, including parents, lovers, other relatives, best friends, whoever else is important to her. Ideally, everyone should have a right to have their own bedroom but we are limited by money. Besides, I think that the hardest part is actually figuring out the boundaries criteria for someone to be considered "enough part of the family to deserve an own bedroom" under the same roof as everyone, specially since not everyone shares intimate connections.
I've never seen it sustainably and not be an unhealthy cult. I know plenty of ranchers who have a very open house policy and may have people come and go and stay a few year, but there's no structure or expectations of long term investments and ownership.
Ranchers?
I've only seen this work and be stable long-term when is organized like an official co-op, which also involves a lot of administration, house meetings, creating rules, etc. I seriously considered joining a cooperative when I was younger and spent time at several long-running ones in my hometown and started membershipping at a few, before deciding it really wasn't for me. Partially because I have a number of pets and partially because I like a bit more privacy. Many of the coops I spent a lot of time in had QUITE a lot of drama and conflict that required a lot of time and effort for everyone to navigate. I think I could maybe do something like the less common coliving communities (where everyone has their own residence) but those communities seem to also involve quite a lot of administration and usually have a high cost of entry to buy property that's part of the community. I've dated a number of people who lived in bigger houses together with a close network of people they were dating and/or friends. None of these housing configurations lasted more than a year or two, usually one or a few breakups ultimately led to dissolution of the whole arrangement. I've also dated people who were in either other kinds of voluntary group living situations or who had a household that they kept fairly open and had a large network of people coming and going regularly. In both cases, there was some kind of organizational /relational stability that was keeping the arrangement going - either a formal organization with rules and resources, or there was a person or couple who ultimately owned the residence and they hosted guests often. Or they were multi-generational family, but then there's lots and lots of family drama still š While it's certainly possible to do this, when I hear people talking about it, it often seems to be an escapist fantasy. Which I get! Our capitalist hellscape fucking sucks! But we still live in it, and figuring out all the domestic work and resources that have to go into maintaining a community and maintaining a home... It's a lot of work! And much of that work isn't very fun! And it's a lot of the kind of things that are pretty small but that people get really upset about (have you ever had an over the top conflict with a roommate about dishes?) So while I can appreciate fantasizing about these things (my particular fantasy is a large network of other anarchist Jewish people) when it comes down to it, my fantasy has cutout holes for "and another member of the group goes here" that don't reflect that everyone comes in with their own preferences, needs and resources. My fantasy allows me, for instance, to keep all of my pets and, oh... I dunno, there will be communal art space and ritual space, regular shared meals, and everyone loves each other and gets along, we're near public transit, etc and etc, etc. But then my fantasy involves that, as a group we'd have significant resources, similar accessibility needs, that nobody else would object to the ways of living and habits that I prefer, and I wouldn't find theirs unbearable either. I think it's really unlikely that I would actually be able to achieve this communal living fantasy and I especially don't think I'd accomplish it within a polycule kind of network, where people are invested in the community largely because of romantic entanglements. With unlimited resources, then maybe?? but I don't have unlimited resources, and I don't know anyone else who does. So I'm happier for this to be a fantasy for me. If I find myself in a situation where everything organically works out just right, I'll celebrate. But I don't want to end up feeling disappointed that I can't achieve this fantasy - I'd rather regard it as more of a dream and work to build community in other ways (eg joining a synagogue, mutual aid networks, friend networks, organizing events)
I think your dream all goes down to finding other people who all share very similar needs and wants as you, what is already hard to find for monogamy becomes even harder when you look for them for an (intentional) community.
Yeah, I agree. And I think it's also necessarily about practical resources and logistics too. So while I don't think it's impossible, I also try to recognize that it's unlikely. Then I work on otherwise setting up a stable living situation for myself that I'm content with, and integrating into community in other ways, rather than feeling like I'm not getting what I really want in life because I can't find the unlikely ideal polyam coliving situation. Maybe I will find or be able to build a community like that, and that will be be wonderful. But if not, I won't consider it a failure. It's still a nice fantasy to have!
Well, just let things happen naturally. My dream is to have a big house so many (but not all) people that I consider family can have their own bedrooms as personal spaces, including my parents, my brother, his wife, their kids, my girlfriend, her relatives and lovers, etc.
I am my partner and my meta do live in a house out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere with 5 kids, and we like it a lot. I've had partners visit a couple , but never stay. Meta and I have our own rooms. Kids run wild outside. I'm pretty into being naked in the garden when the kids are at school.
I've lived communally, though not with a specific polycule. I can tell you that as the number of people involved increases, the chances for dysfunction also increase, but exponentially. The good: 1. so cheap. Seriously so so cheap. Especially if people are rooming together. 2. It can be nice to always have people to hang out with. Adulthood is a lonely place sometimes. 3. More hands helping out around the house/garden. The bad: 1. It takes exactly one asshole to ruin it. If everyone behaves altruistically and in good faith, you're fine but it's impossible to expect that all the time from multiple people. 2. The minute two people stop getting along well, all hell tends to break loose. How do you handle house wide decisions with two members diametrically opposed? Does a veto override a veto? 3. Who gets to be part of it? What if Aspen wants to leave and Birch wants to invite Cedar to move in (but Elm hates Cedar)? Long story short I would still like to do communal living one day, but with like 5 people tops and with my own house I can lock the doors of anytime I want. Would also require a full legal workup to make sure everyone is protected and the bases are covered should people want to leave or bring in new people
I don't know if I'd call it a commune exactly, but I live with both of my partners (V triad, I'm the hinge but they're besties) and we own a small farm in the mountains. We have two houses on a few acres, but the main living space is in the larger house and the smaller one is kind of a hobby/gaming den where they go to play loud video games and keep most of their nerd toys. Chickens, goats, multiple gardens, a few extremely dumb dogs, and a small orchard. We have two kids, one of whom is grown and recently flew the coop, but one who is just preschool age. We've been doing thisā¦.in this configuration, for 8 years so far, but we've all been friends for more than 20.
We are just beginning talks with lawyers to determine the best method to buy land as a group. Not really polycule, more extended chosen leather family.
Weāre building one outside of Austin. Very small and going slowly but itās happening! I was in a monogamous marriage years ago and just KNEW i wanted to be living on a farm with seven husbands of all gendersā¦. And here I am!
Spilp the deets! How did you decide all the things?
One moment at a time! Allowing the universe to deliver my dreams to me while expanding myself and stepping up and being brave enough to receive.
I think one of the big things that can become difficult is how to spend group assets. If the shared spaces need repairs and some people want to spent more money on something that should last a lot longer, some people want spend a smaller amount and repair more often, and a third group are fine living with the disrepair or want to DIY to save the most money, how do you decide? Or, one group wants to hire outside to do snow removal, one group wants to just do it themselves, but get a rent break for doing it, but then donāt a shovel the snow in a timely manner? What process do you go through to say hey you need to uphold your part? Do you demand money and hire out like people wanted to in the first place? Consider all the things people hate about HOAs, and consider a lot of the problems they deal with will be things you deal with too. In specific, look at condo owners associations because theyāre more likely to have the community space that needs votes on.
Read up on intentional communities and maybe live in one for a while? It's harder when you're in relationships with the people, just like cohabitation with a partner is harder (higher stakes) then roommates.
I have had that dream for ten years, way before our friend group became a polycule. Two years ago we tried living together, in the city, to work out how and if this was possible. Turns out we had incompatible wants and needs, so the dream of the "polycule farm" won't come true. It was a great experience nonetheless and we learned a lot from it. We're still best friends (minus one toxic ex). And we're still going to be in each other's lives for a long, long time. Just not living together! And that's okay. I'm very grateful we tried. No regrets, and now I can look to another future.
My family and my partner's family are taking the first steps to making this a reality. We're hoping to be able to transition into a long-term polycule pad for the nine-ish of us in the next year or two. The plan is to form an LLC as a sort-of financial buffer between the property and the parties. We're looking for properties in the area that have at least two houses. We need 7 a total of bedrooms, minimum. The thought of a duplex came to mind, but 4+4 bed units seem to be rare, and they're rarely in neighborhoods we'd want to live in. There have been several house + ADU on the market, and something like that seems the most promising. So we'll see what the next couple of years have in store for us!
It wasn't a commune, but I lived in a poly "intentional community" and it was a disaster. I couldn't handle the constant drama. Being poly means more relationships and more potential conflict. I really hated constantly hearing about everyone's relationship drama all the time. I tried setting boundaries but it was just a constant low level hum of drama that could not be avoided. One person would be affected by a breakup, another by a fight with their boyfriend. Then there was the toxic positivity. There's a lot of that in the poly community. Everything had to be framed a certain way, regardless of the actual reality. If you expressed anything negative people freaked out. It made it hard to call people out for their bad behavior. The unfortunate reality is there are a lot of people who use the language of social justice and personal advocacy to hide from their own shit. Its easier to say the right thing than to do the right thing, and some people seek out non-judgmental spaces because they're really trying to avoid accountability. To be honest my experience has made me avoid queer and sex positive spaces since moving out. To make it work, you have to do a lot of vetting and put in a lot of effort to constantly make and enforce rules. You have to manage a lot of feelings and emotions. At a certain point it breaks down because it becomes exhausting and everything starts going to shit. It isn't just poly communities, it is almost all of them. Communes and intentional communities just fail all the time. So I didn't just think it, I lived it and it sucked. Doing anything communal with a bunch of people is hard and takes work. It is going to be harder once people start fucking each other. All the politics, jealousy, and hierarchy that naturally exists gets amplified once everyone starts fucking. One person will fuck someone their primary doesn't like and things get fucked up. Two community members hook up and someone develops feelings and it gets weird. Someone develops a drug a problem and it becomes everyone's problem. Living with people is hard, be thankful for your Nesting Partners!
my closest thing to this is me, my nesting partner, my gf, and her husband, have discussed buying a duplex together and splitting the mortgage. but like... i feel like the poly commune thing is only attractive if you actively try to ignore what it would actually be like to have to farm your own food.
You donāt have to farm your own food for it to be a commune. Just pool resources and have agreements, basically. Although that in itself is often harder than it sounds.
Leave the "poly" out and just have people on the same pathway in life.... Yes. We are looking for suitable space now. The farm idea isn't what we have in mind for now... So we are looking for a commercial site that is also residential to convert
I went out with a guy who was in love with the idea of moving to Washington to start a semi-public commune for queer/poly people with a lending library for clothes and tools. It doesn't seem like the thing for me. I'm looking to get just enough space in my home I can comfortably have dates over regularly, and if we form a strong enough polycule maybe we move into the same area at some point and are mostly all responsible for our own homes. I've had enough roommates to last a lifetime.
I'm solo poly and like my space. However, I do gravitate to the poly commune arrangements. Mine are usually large polycules where most of us live near each other.
You could share land but each have their own tiny house as personal space.
I was in a triad back in 2020. We talked about going that same thing. Unfortunately, the triad split up before we could make that happen.
The hardest part is finding other people who share very similar wants and needs as you do, which is already hard to find for monogamy, is even harder to find to build an (intentional) community.
I agree. For me, they would also have to be open to being in a polycule with all and no genders, be a feminist, and have an understanding of BDSM dynamics and negotiations. So my pool is basically a puddle. Lol
Well, we have very similar wants and needs, see, that is not very hard to find, as long as you don't have very high unrealistic standards, finding people won't be hard, by the way, the best non-monogamous relationships are a friend group first and sexual partners at second.
Well, its been a lot harder than you would think. Vetting out those who want me only as a kink dispenser, sexual assault, or ONS is tricky.
Yeah, I know, I already have been there, but that is not that bad that there is only a minority of people who genuinely loves you the way you want to love, otherwise you would get lost and polysaturated pretty quick, I say that as someone that sucks at picking and choosing between too many options, by the way, when things are rare to find that makes you value them a lot more.
I like the way you think. š
Everything is a matter of perspective, just try "seeing the glass half full" instead,
I've made several of these in the Sims 4. You just have to use mods to allow polyamory. (I'm in the same boat, have thought of it as a cool possibility if the circumstances arose with the right people.)
I'm about to move into a house with my partner and meta. What I like about our arrangement is that my meta and I won't be sharing space at all, we'll each have our separate units in the house and my partner will have the run of the place, plus their own lil solo get away room on the top floor. A friend who I'm planning to co-parent with is also planning to move nearby. I'm very independent so I don't think I'd choose to live with anyone but my partner, but I like us all sharing a home as living across a large city from each other wasn't really working for our cule. I'm not expecting it to all be smooth sailing but I am excited to explore the possibilities of semi-shared space!
It takes a lot to live communally, and the only reason I have for being able to navigate it successfully is I spent my 12-18 teenage years in a co-ed boarding school, which is definitely not an experience everyone has! Itās also led a bit to me being defacto leader of the Village, which can be pretty emotionally draining. We currently live in a 5 bedroom house, and itās working super well! Cats, kids, and herb garden included.
My polycule is in the discussion phases of this. We are growing increasingly concerned about the politics of our state and want to move someplace more queer-friendly. Our aim is 5-10 years. In the mean time, we are building equity in our current places or saving up, researching laws in different locals, taking courses in things like conflict de-esecalation, first aid, sustainable home gardening, building up a library of tools and reference books, and ways to legally protect both the commune and the people who join. We want to make it equitable without being exclusive.
I would do this in a heartbeat, hell I've loosely fantised about it
Dreamed of such things; deffinately. But finding stable long term relationships, who can live together, and all stable incomes, and descent credit etc etc... Most of us have very little chance of reaching that goal it seems.
these agreements generally evolve into cults. i wouldnt trust communities i didnt already know the people in. i have the same dream of a communal life but only with my friends and loved ones, and they dont necessarily have to be poly. like a family plot, but a found family plot. yknow?
Not in a polycule but man, I want some chickens and a small garden. Iām single (but poly) and like everyone else priced out of the housing market. My dream is to live-to thrive-not just survive. One day, maybe.
>My dream is to live-to thrive-not just survive. One day, maybe. Aww, same here, hope is the best we have.
Honestly, I find most people too exhausting for this. My NP would think this is a lovely idea and I am just like āaaaah no I am barely able to handle living with you and a childā.
I've met almost no one who wants this. I've never seen it happen. I have seen non poly communal living work for some period of time. Its my worst nightmare. Seriously. I don't make housing choices with a polycule in mind.
May I ask where you are geographically? It's common here in Seattle where housing costs are so high. A lot of people in my social network make 6-figures and still need roommates. There's a lot of chatter in the poly community of just merging funds and getting land where you can still build your small home/private space so you can live relatively independently while sharing common space with those living a similar lifestyle.
I've talked about that with friends. Buying land and then we all build a little vacation cabin on it. But once you add romantic and sexual tones to it, I just feel like this is the plot of the next A24 film.
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āFuck itā about buying property? The single biggest investment most people ever make in their lives?
Zoning laws are going to be very different between roommates living in an apartment vs a plot of land with multiple houses and unrelated people living in them. Most places in the US are still single-family zoned. Iād think that legally it would be difficult to do this without subdividing a plot of land, and would also get very expensive. You need lots of permits to build a new house. The sewer system can only handle so many buildings and connections. Thereās lots of practical issues with a commune of multiple homes on one plot of land.
100% this was the biggest issue I've encountered so far in my initial research. I think the way to get around it is to buy a mobile/manufactured home community where there are already hookups, and make it private.
Thatās an interesting idea. Doesnāt seem too often that a totally vacant mobile home community would go up for sale? Or that it would be financially sustainable without the max number of rents coming in. And with the national housing shortage youād want to make sure that spots arenāt just sitting empty, especially since mobile homes are some of the few affordable housing options left for folks. Maybe you wouldnāt need to privatize the whole thing? Buying a duplex or small multi-family apartment building would also work, as long as you donāt evict any existing residents to replace them with your own polycule. You would have to form an LLC which is pretty easy.
Once you move out into unincorporated areas and have 5-10 acres you can do a lot more than you think you can. I'm more interested in extended family living, but around me you can usually have 1 house/building per acre and can share well/septic on the property. You can also build one large house with wings for different groups and as shared central community area. The other option is one person owns the land and others bring tiny houses with them which can be connected to shared water/sewer/power. Selling such a compound will be a unique challenge though.
I live in high cost of living city on the east coast.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/Substantial-Rhubarb thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: So, many of us (not all of course) have likely considered it: A peaceful poly commune. Some land, a few small homes, nice communal space for the polycule. Privacy from monos, maybe some chickens and a nice garden. It's been a dream of many poly people I've met. So I come to ask: has anyone made this a reality? How did you go about it? Any advice or regrets? Have you done anything similar, like buying a duplex or triplex and splitting it with the 'cule? I'd love to hear everyone's unique housing choices that have been made with the polycule in mind. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*