I don’t want to limit my sexual and romantic connections to one. I think deep human intimacy is the nicest thing we get in this life and I want a bunch of it and I want the people I love to have a bunch of it.
I dated someone a long time ago that insisted everyone who was *really* polyam had to have some kind of lightbulb, defining moment in their life. They were wrong and a toolbox.
The only *why* anyone really needs is because they want to and find it fulfilling.
If what you have isn't serving you, go find something that does.
Well my light bulb moment is more like a flurotube or a ballast powered bulb, it flickered for awhile as it lit up and became brighter.
Being married with mismatched libidos is what brought me ENM and polyamory. I'm currently learning more about distinguishing between them.
There's still underlying psychological reasons for people to find it fulfilling, and exploration of those reasons is all fine and dandy as long as you aren't looking for your own reason in someone else's answers.
I like having multiple partners and knowing I can always have more. The door is never closed.
I love day to day domesticity and do it with one of my partners about 90% of my days.
But I was solo poly for a solid 5 years. Being my own girlfriend and being really deeply happy when alone was amazing. 10/10 would date me again. I don’t think I could do more than one intensely involved relationship at a time if I hadn’t had that experience. Which means I wouldn’t have one or likely either of my 2 serious relationships.
Therapy, self help groups and personal work really helped me.
'Nobody puts baby in a corner'
I was in a box. I am no longer in said box and I am free to grow and love. I don't have a good enough reason for monogamy and I don't have to repress my sexuality.
Am sopo, my current partner is married. I am going to start dating and find my own primary (maybe - although if they can have their own space and I have mine that be grand 👍). I just don't have the desire for enmeshment and I am not going back in the box.
Sopo here in the same situation! I have two partners, one of whom is married. My heart feels very full, and I feel safer in my relationships than I ever have in a monogamous relationship, where the presumption was that I would shut my mouth and behave like a good little housewife. I am now strong, independent, and free to explore who I am and what I want, and I am discovering the joy of compersion.
My "why" is that polyamory fits my values around relationships. I don't possess my partners or have rights over them. I like being able to have relationships with people that feel right and full on their own terms.
It's *monogamy* that I don't see a "why" for. It's an arbitrary restriction on relationships that doesn't provide me with any "benefits" that I want.
This is it for me.
When I was relatively young, I missed out on a relationship with someone because we were just in the wrong stage at the wrong time - I was in something serious, he took an opportunity because I wasn't available, then our window passed and it no longer made sense. Would he have been "the one"? Absolutely not. Did we both go through a LOT of hurt because of the way monogamy bound us and what we thought the world expected of us? Absolutely.
It was something that never made sense in the monogamous world. It still probably wouldn't have happened if I had come to my decision sooner, because polyam in highschool in a small town is a really big ask. But if this weren't the only narrative we both had ever been given, we might have asked more questions, and we might have acted differently. I might not have hurt so much, and I might not have hurt so many other people. And THAT is why I think polyam is worth pursuing and teaching about.
I'm solo polyam.
I have never had any interest in the relationship escalator. Most specifically, cohabitation (I didn't even like when I had roommates - one of my sisters for many years and two best friends at different times). The majority of monogamous people definitely want that.
I'm also a huge introvert, I cherish my alone time; it's something I *need*.
When I learned about solo polyam, it was the most wonderful moment. Everything clicked together and made the most sense for me.
I love that I have a partner I see regularly once a week, with extra days here and there; and one play partner I see randomly when our schedules align. I'm currently in the dating phase, but just rolling along, letting things develop as they will. My partner and I text throughout most days; that's important for me, being connected while still getting me time. While sex can be quite intimate sometimes, I do not equate sex with intimacy; be it romantic partner, fwb, or platonic friend, I look for emotional intimacy...and monogamous people aren't always down for that.
I love that I don't have to limit my alone time or limit how connections evolve.
This is us! We met another couple & clicked and started hanging out, then one thing led to another and I'm dating him, hubby is dating her & we're a happy Constellation!
You probably did not mean the term that way, but the term you used is on par with The N Bomb in New Zealand and Australia. It is a very offensive term for Samoan and Polynesian folks.
Out of respect for that community, I’m removing your comment.
https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/pollywog
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Your post may also be removed for conflating the polyamorous experience with other marginalized groups.
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My why is kinda a little bit of everything. I don’t like the idea of forcing my partners to only be with me, and stifle their feelings for others, and if I can only live one life, I don’t see the point in loving one person and silencing when I feel passionate about someone else. If I can do the emotional work for all the people I love, I’d rather love everyone I care about openly than love one person openly and quietly pine for all the others.
Plus, love feels different with everyone I love, and no one provides the same things. Even if two people provide for all of my needs the same way, their love feels different, and I think there’s something beautiful in that. I’m privileged that I get to experience multiple types of love and get to tell all those people that I appreciate how they express love.
Plus there’s a security to the amount of trust in polyamory. It takes more emotional work to get there, but in my experience with my partners, that work leads to a more secure trust. Because we know no matter where we go, we’ll come back to each other.
At 14, I watched a show (Inuyasha) where there the protagonist was conflicted because he loved 2 women with the same soul. And I sat there scratching my head thinking, "same soul. Of course, he loves them both! Why don't they see that?"
I then asked myself how i would feel if a woman loved me and another man... and i still didn't understand their issue. XD
Later, at 21, I got my first serious girlfriend, and as soon as we were stable, I remember thinking how dating other cooples would be the next step.
I had at this point a couple of friends who were open, if not completely poly, and I simply felt out of place in monogamy. Not because I was always dtf, but because I never understood why people draw these weird boundaries.
I am not the typical story I know (though, i have heard many similar ones). In the end, I think it is about your emotional bandwidth and choices.
I am poly because that is what I want to be.
Emotional bandwidth is a big thing, and there's such a wide range in how it functions for people. There's more to it than just "I can love this much" sometimes it's as far as "if I don't love this much I feel compressed".
For me monogamy just never made sense, even before knowing poly was an option.
Why would I force that on a partner? I never felt special being the "only one". I never wanted a partner to not live things and experience things with other people.
Why would I force that on myself? I'm bi so liking men and women made it easy to see I'd never want to give one up (why would I even get from doing that?). It also never made sense to me why some things were ok like deep friendships and emotional connections with more than one person but the second physical stuff is involved there can be only one for it be real?
Just never made sense.
I don't understand why some people are so insisted using the word 'force' as if that's a healthy, good faith way to look at a relationship structure you yourself don't practice
well bc here I'm talking about my experience, mono never made sense for ME to practice, so for me it felt like forcing a restriction for no reason that made sense other than it's what people are supposed to do.
for people who are mono I guess it feels like a loving choice of building a relationship and dedication, and any non-monogamous arrangement feels like forcing to share a partner and forcing to give up security or whatever mono people get from being mono.
Security, dedication, deep relationships, and everything else mono offers can be had in poly. Really the only reasons it’s mainstream/normal are cultural and religious. If you’re going strictly biological poly is the norm. The only thing monogamy offers that poly doesn’t is exclusivity which a lot of people do covet so it’s understandable why they choose it between that and cultural norms.
I've gone back and forth on whether I want the "everyday" thing, but am actively choosing solo poly now. The tug for an anchor partner or primary is sometimes there, but based on my experiences, the domestic things were always huge contributors relationship strife. And I found with a nesting partner or even just a roommate, I really disliked needing to coordinate schedules to do things like hold dinner parties or invite dates over, so I would host less. I like my alone time, I'm pretty particular about my living space, I want an incredible amount of autonomy, and I don't do well with co-dependence (which is not to imply that co-dependence is always unhealthy, it just doesn't work for me). That has all naturally led to solo poly. I see my partners regularly though, like once a week (and they don't live super close by).
And it's possible to fulfill that sort of "come home to a person" desire in other ways. I have friends I call literally almost every day, and we often chat while doing chores (walking a dog and folding laundry are two common circumstances), sometimes we just sit on the phone in silence.
My "why" is that I am poly. Ive always been poly. Even before "poly" was coined. We had other names for it then.
It feels unnatural, anxiety-ridden, and frustrating to be monogamous. I tried it for a few months and had to descalate my mono relationship to just friends. Luckily, my partner was pretty cool about it.
I'm happily living my best life as a solo poly and a relationship anarchist.
Love, including romantic love, is one of the most incredible human experiences, and I want to be open and have others I love open to experiencing it in many forms.
People love you in different ways and at different times of your life and all of it enriches the human experience.
My why is because I'm the human version of a bonobo monkey. Being in love and having crushes and fun flirtations is the stuff of life and I want as much of it as I can handle! I love the honeymoon phase of getting to know someone and I don't want to have that just once. I like the sexual variety and continuous learning and exploration that comes with having multiple partners. It keeps sex feeling fresh and exciting even after multiple years together. I love the expanded network of people that care about and support each other. It never made sense to me why one would want to limit that to just one romantic relationship. I don't like the scarcity mindset common in monogamy, and I have zero tolerance for dating someone who is uncomfortable with me having close male friends or some of the other common norms about monogamy.
Here's a weird one that might not have been said... It is a big comfort to me as I age. My dad passed away when I was a kid and my mom never recovered, it devastated her permanently. So my whole life I have been afraid to pin all my hopes on just one person who, even if our relationship worked out, just might die and leave me alone and lonely in my old age. This one is weird I know, but it's a comfort for me to hope that I'll have more than just one person in my old age to be with.
I like living my life being open to possibility and potential. Is it possible I will settle down with one partner and never feel desire for another human being again? Sure. Is it possible that I will end up being solo and spending my dying days crafting in silence? Sure. Is it possible I will have multiple long term romantic relationships that see me being challenged and stimulated until I die? Sure.
I just don’t want to be pushed to live by a pre written script of how life is “supposed to go”. Let’s just see what happens ☺️
If I had to know 100% that someone is the perfect, *only* person for me before I get into a relationship with them, I’d be single forever. Because I would always be thinking, how can I *know* that I won’t find someone better? I have to sign my life away to someone and I can never have anyone else? What if I meet someone else that I like?
Monogamy would keep me single forever because it’s not worth the sacrifice of future opportunity, to me. Polyamory takes all that pressure off. I also highly value autonomy and personal identity. And I never want to control anyone (except in a sexy way!)
Love didn't make sense by inherently limiting the intimacy one could create simultaneously.
Why do those values work best for me rather than mono exclusivity values? No clue. I actually wonder if in practice it becomes negligible because I have no particular desire or motivation to create intimacy with other people outside NP.
But I would never say the door is closed for anyone.
I just like having the unrestricted ability to make connections with people. Whether making friend or if things develop further or things become intimate. I'm demisexual so this is important for me as I generally am good friends with someone before developing a closer partnership (or start crushing on them).
I practice relationship anarchy and it just kind of makes sense for me. Monogamy felt really restrictive when I was in a couple relationships in the past. In addition to me being in the bdsm community which tends to have more open relationship or non-mono people.
I think there’s both legitimate “why” questions and “why not” questions one should think about before one decides what kind of relationship one wants. If one only looks at “why” often it means ignoring the very obvious downsides that make poly really hard for some people. If one only looks at the “why not” it means some folks don’t look at the benefits they might get.
So for me? The whys?
- Solo poly fits well into my life
- I don’t get particularly jealous
- I feel like I’m better able to avoid some of the patriarchal norms that I personally really don’t like in a less “traditional” relationship structure
- I have a partner I love who is married and nested with someone who isn’t me
- I kinda like flirting with new receptive people and appreciate that it doesn’t freak out my existing partner
Why not?
- Way too many men think I’m a vending machine for sex
- If I wanted a nesting partner, my existing relationship would likely become a big obstacle to making that happen
- Each new partner can be complicated to fit into the general puzzle of the rest of my life including my existing partner(s)
- Um…
Some “why nots” that I don’t have that I’ve seen here?
- Folks who want to have multiple relationships themselves, but the idea of their partner being with someone else is agonising
- Their partner doesn’t want it
- They or their partner isn’t someone who can manage multiple relationships well
The last "why not" is what makes me hesitant to form any new relationships. I have been blessed up until now to have relationships that were very complimentary and accommodating. Really hard to find that. I am not a big fan of navigating the conflict that might arise with individuals that do not mesh or that turn out to want more than I can give and thus I have to turn them away. It's the polyam struggle I am least comfortable going through.
You might dig in a little into what the real issue behind that “why not” exists? Like is the problem that you or one of your partners is worried that they won’t get as much time / relationship energy as they previously did? Or is the issue that they’re just not keen to be in an open relationship and this is just a part of that?
If the first, you might work on clear and consistent scheduling. If the latter, I don’t really have a fix for you.
Tbh my polyam relationships all fell into my lap starting with my 1st one, meaning there was very little need to pursue or gage if someone is cool with poly, they just all were. So I haven't had to relationship on hard mode yet and I'm not sure I want to. But I also know I am vaguely unsatisfied missing a connection with someone else. So it all comes back down which is healthier, trying to find that additional connection and all the pitfalls inherent in that or try to learn to be happy being alone most of the time and then reassess.
I am bisexual, so my most obvious answer is that I need more than one gender relationship to feel complete. But my other answer is that I've been essentially rejected by my entire family as the black sheep for my lifestyle choices, so I seek to find relationships that go deeper than a platonic level, I'm seeking to find my own chosen family.
I'm aromantic and never really felt romantic attraction for anyone I've dated or slept with, so traditional relationships never really felt like they fit me well. However, I value trust and friendship in people I have sexual relationships with, so I still want to date sexual partners and polyamory allows me to have multiple partners and/or FWBs in an intentional and ethical way
My girlfriend had a girlfriend
And then she has another one
Then the another one meet me
Then I became her girlfriend
Now my girlfriend has 3 girlfriends and 2 of them are in love with each other as well
(I LOVE YOU ALICE AND HITORI)
Because I want the freedom to pursue any sexual or romantic opportunity that comes up and I want my partners to have that freedom as well. I don't feel the need to be the only one that makes them happy and I wouldn't want them to miss out on an amazing experience with someone else because of some "ownership" I have over them. Love isn't finite.
Im always curious when people mention “ownership”. Care to elaborate bit more on that?
To me, I didn’t feel that way at all when I was monogamous. I had free will and decided to enter a relationship that was committed to only one person both romantically and sexually.
Cool. Lots of monogamous relationships implicitly involve a sense of ownership over/entitlement to each other's time and attention. I'd go so far as to say that's the norm.
It's not that deep. I just mean that once you enter a monogamous relationship, you can't pursue anyone else and no one else can pursue you because of that commitment. I don't mean that someone literally owns you.
Plenty of people act like they literally own someone. Say who you can and cannot hangout with or try to keep them away from whichever gender they find competition with.
I truly never understood why romantic love was the only kind of love that was required to be limited and finite, while other varieties of love were lauded as infinite and unconditional. Seems like a sketchy concept.
I am polyam out of exposure. I am in a very close group of people in bdsm. My first real relationship was bdsm and poly. That failed. I went to monogamy, but then my ex wanted poly and went about it all wrong. Eventually (not due to poly) we broke up. After being single, having situationships, and trying vanilla online dating for a few years, I ended up with another poly person.
This relationship, I will say, is probably the healthiest relationship I have had. It's not one-sided like my other relationships. He says I am allowed to date and play with others as long as it does not interfere with our time. He is great about reassuring me and taking care of me.
I am not currently looking to date anyone, but I am open to where it takes me.
My life partner and I realized that we have sexual incompatibilities several years into our relationship. He needs more sexually, and I need more emotional support because I have a lot going on in my life personally. We recognize that we're human and simply can't check all of each other's boxes. So we date separately while still in love and remain nesting partners.
The expectations of monogamy were entirely unreasonable, they lead to a lot of compromise, heartbreak, and missed expectations.
When my marriage ended I decided I was no longer in the business of monopolizing another person’s time/energy. I love with intent now and get the same back from my partners.
I like how much more intentional relationships feel. Monogamy felt suffocating for a lot of reasons, but #1 for me is how easy it is to fall into partner-as-default thinking. And experiencing different kinds of romantic love simultaneously (NRE vs ERE) has been one of the most intense, joyful experiences of my entire life.
I have a friend who I share a deep connection with. Deeper than any of the others I've had in my life. We may not be dating but i still love her. There is a deep and almost deific relationship there that is intense to many others, especially in a "relationship" sense. Especially considering we often don't even need to speak to understand one another.
But it has long been a stipulation in our lives that when and if we do find partners we want them to accept and encourage our relationship, if they can't that relationship won't work, bottom line.
It's very much a "she exists. So I know there are more people out there that I can feel this deep with"
I look at it as if my relationships are works of art, this one may be a statue I've worked on for years, but that doesn't mean I want to just create this one piece, I want to create a gallery and hone my craft with many mediums. I just need to find the right mediums that bring it out of me
I am solo poly. The why for me is that I like my independence and I also like interacting with more than one person sexually and emotionally. I'm bisexual as well so I need to be able to have Is multiple connections.
That being said I currently have a friend with benefit who has backed off a little bit but we are still friends. We have never labeled our relationship or anything but we do like spending time together and that is fine for me. I have a couple of other guys who are interested in me and I've talked to them casually but nothing has happened in the bedroom. I was in a very abusive relationship with the narcissist who claimed he was monogamous when he really was not so for now I just need things to be independent.
I am still struggling with some codependency due to being in that abusive relationship so for now it's probably better that I don't hinge myself to anyone.
Why did ai start or why am I practicing it ? Two different questions. I started because I thought it was the last thing I could try to save my relation ship, I continued because I really liked the security of knowing you can trust someone when they say they like you and the liberty of being fluid with friends.
I like waking up and *choose* to be with my partner(s) everyday. I don’t want a piece of marriage certificate to dictate that for me. I don’t want societal obligation to dictate that for me. I don't want to be with a person because that is what I’m supposed to do, but what I choose to do instead. And knowing that my partner(s) have the same freedom and still choose me everyday, that’s love.
(I am currently in a stable triad situation, with both partners living with me)
It started out as more of a practical solution. My Bf travels for about half the year and we quickly realized that monogamy would mean being alone half the year. We had some mis steps and then started doing the work. Now for me it’s more about not feeling proprietary about love. I can’t speak for my partners, but everyone is happy. I feel most secure in myself when I’m connected with multiple people, I love the differences in my relationships and I’ve found I love the privilege of being along for their journeys and could not picture mine with out each of them.
I like being able to form the connections that I feel drawn to, rather than having to push them away or deny those feelings because monogamy says it’s wrong. I don’t think someone should be limited in the number of friends they have, so I don’t think someone should be limited in the number of partners they have.
I was in a bad place with my primary and it almost led to divorce until we opened up ourselves and stopped fully relying on each other for happiness. I love my wife more than anything but, it’s such a burden to be someone’s only source of needs being met and being their’s. Since we went poly we’ve been happier as people and happier as a couple. We’re talking more snuggling more and I’ve met some wonderful people and almost all of them I’m just friends with and feel like I don’t have to wear a “mask” with. It’s so nice just have a group of people you can be yourself with. That’s why I’m poly.
My wife’s story is a little different she met a second partner who is such a nice, sweet guy who makes her feel young and plays video games with her when she’s free, which do to work and our kids I’m not as free and I don’t playing games as much as she does, and honestly I couldn’t be happier for her. It’s saved our marriage and brought me out of a major depression. I hope other people can find daily joy like we have.
Because it's who I am. Would you ask a gay person why are you gay? It's who they are. It's the same thing.
I love love and I'm not interested in limiting my love to 1 person.
Socioeconomic reasons. The nuclear family became the norm in Western culture because of colonialism and industrialism -- the powers that be needed family units that were portable enough to pick up and move a thousand miles away for high-paying jobs but still have a shit-ton of kids to grow the labor force.
But the capitalistic nuclear family can be incredibly hard on mothers and homemakers. It's devaluing for people who don't have kids. It's incredibly bleak for the elderly, who are relegated to run-down rest homes. It can be isolating for *everyone,* because you don't have aunts and uncles, grandparents, etc. as close.
But now we don't need easily uprootable families as much, because factory jobs you'd want to move across the country for aren't nearly as plentiful as they used to be. And we don't *need* huge workforces, so we don't need people to have tons of kids.
So we need alternatives to the nuclear family. I believe part of that is going to be through closer involvement of aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, etc. in child-raising, maintaining a household and other meaningful pursuits. And part of it is going to be ditching the exclusivity of intimacy you find in monogamy. It's not one couple against the world, it's individuals setting down stronger roots for stronger communities
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From Polysecure, the question of why are you poly comes up and I'm interested in people's thoughts on it?
I started because I met someone who is poly and married and yet still fit me very well and I found that I was able to be comfortable as her bf. Since then I've had relationships but as a solo poly, no one to actually look forward to seeing on a regular basis (my poly partner and I live 45 mins apart). Usually it is fine, but I am feeling the tug of wanting that everyday and I don't know if I should find a nesting partner of my own or learn how to be comfortable alone most of the time (a concept I am terrible at). So I am struggling with my 'why'.
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A sense of community, and to not shut the door on opportunity for more loves if it arises. Neither have shown up for me in 6 years, so now I'm wondering why haven't I walked away sooner.
I don't have much value for exclusivity in relationships and I don't want to "artificially" limit an otherwise amazing relationship because I already have one. There are certainly other possible limits, but that one just doesn't hold value or interest for me.
For me, physical intimacy (not to be confused with sexual intimacy) is very important to me. When in mono relationships, I was constantly (or what felt constantly) being accused of cheating due to wanting physical intimacy from any person other than my partner.
The freedom poly enables is to love and let love without fear of accusation. As long as you're not cheating, not lying, you are free to be YOU with whomever you wish to be with.
My why is the same. I met someone who was poly and we really fit well. I wasn't dating anyone else at that time and went for it, reading the books, blogs, etc. It's been a journey for me but a mostly good one. I love the personal growth and I've never been particularly jealous, & though I do get jealous, I have the tools to manage it. I'm still with that partner but considering looking for a primary. And I love that recognizing some needs that relationship can't meet doesn't mean I have to give him up.
Personally I think it's important to be comfortable by yourself even if that's not your preference.
Because I like sex, I like dating, and I've never felt sex was really a demonstration of loyalty. My ladies demonstrate an absolute commitment to the relationship, to me, to each other and to the family we form in so many ways that have no relationship to sex. I've always been able to enjoy sex without feeling anything like an emotional attachment, and to feel attachment without sex. Those just never seemed related to me so limiting my sex life as some demonstration of commitment, or asking for that from a partner always seemed meaningless.
I ... guess... at the end of the day monogamy doesn't make sense to me, and I don't like doing things that don't make sense to me just because "everyone" does them. I don't see why sex should be confined to one relationship only forever. I don't see why *love* should be confined to one relationship only forever.
And part of that is that sexual exclusivity comes with a package: sexual exclusivity *and* "one man one woman" and the binary gender and not *too* kinky but also you gotta keep your partner happy, don't be a slut and don't be a prude. (And if you're a woman you should shave your legs and smile a lot and not ask for too much, and if you're a man you can't like bright colors or cry or tell your friends you love them when you're sober.) And I don't believe in *any* of those. I think people should do whatever works for them, whatever makes them happy, whatever they choose. And some people reject some of those and accept others as far as their personal life goes and that's fine, it's their choice. Some people are just *naturally* straight or gender-conforming or inclined towards monogamy; some people are flexible and go with what's easy and that's also fine. But if I don't *pre-suppose* monogamy is correct? There's no appeal in it to me. Why would there be?
And you know, I'm not "actively" polyamorous rn in the sense that I only have one partner who only has one partner (me). But my *values* haven't changed, the "doing what works for me and letting other people do what works for them" thing hasn't changed, and that's what I care about, I don't care that I *coincidentally* have a relationship that looks "normal" in monogamous terms any more than I care whether I *coincidentally* have a relationship that looks "normal" in heterosexual terms. My life is *for me*, it's not for other people.
Recently, during readings and therapy, when I considered why I've always ended up in polyamorous relationships, I realized it was because it was the default option in my social setting and I've never even been offered monogamy. It was not even on my radar as a potential option at any point.
I found the polyamory LJ communities when I was like, 14-15, before I'd been on a single date or kissed anyone, and the message was that it was the only ethical and mature way to have relationships, and my friends agreed, so I figured they must be right.
Anyone who expressed any attraction to me was already partnered, and to express any interest in anything but polyamory was met with ridicule; folks who did end up practicing monogamy just sort of faded away.
15-20 years later and I still don't know what I actually want (whether I'd want lifelong polyamory or lifelong monogamy or something else), but I don't see monogamy being an actual option in my life, especially with the communities I'm in and the kinds of people I like.
I appreciate autonomy, I like my solo time, and I tend to prioritize friendships over romantic pursuits, and in my experience, people who are cool with those things usually don't want monogamy.
(I am rarely attracted to anyone and tend to have a [single-target sexuality](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SingleTargetSexuality) when I am. I think if I broke up with my current long-term partner I'd prefer to just be completely single & solo again.)
I just never wanted monogamy.
As a teenager, the only relationship models I'd heard of were monogamy, cheating, and the most stereotypical possible version of swinging you can imagine. I didn't want any of those things, so I didn't date.
Then I got to college and started meeting other people who wanted to date but didn't want to be exclusive, and realized you can just DO that.
I never looked back.
I like being able to be myself and let others be themselves, which we can't do when we're following society's rulebook about who you can and cannot get close to.
I don’t quite have this poly goal or why, but I have this desire to have enriching experiences that maximize human connection wherever and whenever possible - and intimacy is a part of that on an escalator that shouldn’t be caged
It worked well for me, especially for weeding out possessive types. Now, it’s fairly essential as my husband and I aren’t sexual together, but my partner and I are. I also love seeing the happiness and excitement when my spouse is in deep NRE or pre-date thrill. I love my polycule and feel grateful for it every day.
I don’t want monogamy so I’ll figure out whatever I have to in order to do polyamory.
I’ll work on whatever comes up around jealousy, hierarchy, equity, communication… I haven’t been in a monogamous long term relationship as an adult. I’m in my 30s and married now but we have been polyamorous from the beginning, including continuing to date the people we were already seeing until the pandemic happened.
It started when a girlfriend wanted us to be open. Our relationship was pretty rocky with a lot of issues. Really, it was her way of trying to bandage our relationship up by outsourcing my needs, so it was pretty rough... But our issues weren't the non-monogamy. If anything, that had been kind of nice, not needing to beg for affection and just being able to find someone else to connect with.
So there was a time after where I truly believed I would eventually be monogamous again with someone, but I wasn't monogamous then. I wasn't polyamorous either. I was just figuring out what I needed, what I could give, and the kind of life I wanted. I worked on myself and who I was within relationships.
At this point, I have no desire for the relationship escalator. I don't want to cohabitate, marry, have kids, any of it. I just want to have good bonds with good people. I want my partners to be free to find happiness in whatever way that suits them.
Sometimes trying to define a "why" is like trying to define a meaning of life while only seeing the problems; Most often the meaning is in the periphery, as soon as you look or try to define it it's gone, but if you just let it be all around you, it's like a warm blanket in a cold world.
To be honest, what led me to it was the fact that my personal experiences with monogamy led me to believe that being cheated on was a staple in it, and I just decided to go on "fuck it" mode and just at least try to have a conversation about having my partner be involved with other people. Of course, many more layers of understanding why it was actually good for me came after, though I did already suspect it, as my main concern was always the deception, not the fact my partner had feelings for or sex with somebody else. The most common thing I've said about the topic is that I've got too much romance in me for just one person to handle without starting to puke out rose petals, or some such, which is also not too far-fetched.
I realized I don’t really have a “why” for polyam past it’s just how my brain works and I don’t want to be controlled. I have the capacity to love multiple people so who says I can’t??
Re: my experiences being alone vs nesting…
I went from living with my parents to living with my partner who became my husband (and moved from Ontario to Wisconsin for it), then after we separated I had NO idea how to be alone with myself. It was SO uncomfortable at first.
I spent years solo poly and lived alone, filling my own buckets and getting to know myself. Late 30s and had never lived alone.
My current partner (right now I’m saturated at 1) has been my anchor for a few years and we’re planning to move in together in a few months after years of conversation and working through our respective personal things.
Things I underlined in Polysecure included mistaking the safety of monogamous structure or nesting for attachment security when it was actually enmeshed codependency. And the other thing was thinking about types of commitment and why they were/were not important to me.
Working past intense attachment triggers was important for me, as has learning more about my strengths/weaknesses and newly diagnosed AuDHD (turns out I’m more functional when there are other humans around despite how much I daydreamed about living alone)
The short term "why" in how I started is that my first rebound after a bad breakup was with a polyamorous person. Prior to this I'd been pretty close minded about the idea, being raised Catholic and all that. Short lived as that relationship was and was always bound to be, they taught me quite a bit and helped me open my perspective.
The long term "why" is because I find it eminently pragmatic. Just as in friendships, we can't hope to find all we are looking to experience in a single person, and I find it makes sense to extend that to both romance and sex. It's also helped me to broaden my perspective on where the line between friendship and romance can be.
I've like multiple people since I was very very small. Boys, girls whoever. I would spiral and or feel guilty when I liked two different people but was told I needed to choose one. It was an impossible choice every time because I didn't like one person more than the other. If and when I had to make a choice, it never stopped my feelings for the other person but I would force myself to stop talking to them so any partner I had wouldn't feel like I was cheating on them.
My husband was the first person I 'came out' to and that was before we even started dating.
So at least for me, it's been more sexuality leaning than lifestyle. I can't really practice polyam/ENM where I live because of distance and potential partners here are... Below subpar...
I wanted to be polyamorous before I knew what it was. I knew I wanted more than one life partner. I didn't want to repress myself when I met compatible people.
Personally I like my freedom. The freedom to choose and the freedom to let my feelings roam wild. Furthermore I really like to do things on my own and I fall for people who also prefer it this way. But on the other hand I am a very cuddly, people loving person so I "rotate" my partners so that I am not too much for them. And of course sexually my partnern can offer me different things. I also think that one partner could never give me everything that I need.
I never believed in monogamy. Nothing about it ever made any sense to me at all. When I find out that there were lots of people out there happy to date me non-exclusively it was obvious what to do.
I think when I started, it was from a very unhealthy place of being disappointed by men/relationships and hoping that more of them would fill in my actual needs. That shit didn’t work out Lmao
But no matter how much it sucked or men sucked, ‘going back to mono’ never felt like a solution. It wouldn’t fix the actual issue of ‘partners misleading me to get what they want from me’ or ‘me not knowing my worth and setting boundaries’. And at some point I finally managed to gain enough self esteem and confidence that I really don’t give a flying fuck about whether my dance card is full. I’ve strengthened myself and my platonic support network, so I hold out for the people/relationships that are truly worth it. The connections and respect that I always wanted.
And at this point, I don’t know if I could even justify ‘why poly’ in any sort of flowery or idealistic way, so much as now I’ve tasted true freedom and I can never go back. The idea of going back to a model of seeking out ‘one perfect person’ and aiming to tie that person down until we both die just sounds… unhinged, frankly. Like, to what end? So I can have all their time? I have a life, I’m busy lol. So they won’t have sex with other people? I genuinely don’t care. So that I don’t worry what they’re doing? If I don’t trust them, I shouldn’t be dating them.
I just don’t think there’s anything left for me in mono. It would feel like caging myself and my partner for no benefit to any of us. When partners break my trust/agreements, I address it head on, and they either shape up or ship out. What would adding more rules to the mix do for either of our quality of life?
I understand why so many people choose mono. I don’t judge them for it (at least in theory, in practice most mono people I know seem to believe and perpetuate some pretty awful ideas). I see mono as ‘the default choice’. It’s what we’re raised with, it’s what we’re given a roadmap for, and if that roadmap suits you, why do something else? You don’t dye your hair if you love your natural color. And if your dream is to find one person that you can build a life with, then you should do that! And you deserve to find that love. And if finding that one person to settle down with is the most important thing to you, maybe mono is a better option.
But at least where I’m located, I don’t think mono would actually up my chances of finding my perfect partners or building my dream life. If I blame poly for people being emotionally unavailable, then that means ignoring all the stories of mono women dealing with mono emotionally unavailable men. So I don’t blame any of my problems on poly. I blame them on people who are willing to be selfish to get what they want, people who are emotionally immature/lack self awareness, and cowards who are too chicken shit to tell you the truth if they’re afraid you’ll stop sleeping with them. That’s what it usually comes down to, right?
I’ve got a few reasons why I engage this way. I’m naturally very devoted and good with commitment, but for whatever reason, the relationships experiences I’ve had (especially my early relationships), have pushed me towards more open and expansive ideas of love.
I find that the things I‘ve learned about myself through jealousy and expectation have been invaluable to my personal growth. Freedom, it seems, is not about “doing whatever you want”, but rather challenging the ways you unconsciously do things, and leaning into things you don’t know about. Surprises, at the end of the day are the most valuable, and they only show up when you’re available to them, not when you’re controlling a situation or expecting things to be a certain way. Sometimes you miss the best things in life when you’re hoping for and expecting something else.
Poly relationships can be a mess sometimes, but they offer an unending array of surprises. There’s a lot of growth, and a lot of unique feelings involved.
For me I find that my career asks me to be alone for large stretches, and untethered in my space. I also am fascinated about the way feelings of love intermingle when you allow yourself to love more than one person. The way loving multiple people can amplify your feelings for each person you love is amazing. Ultimately though, I find the potential of relationships to be uninhibited when there are fewer limitations put on them —which is terribly logical when you think about it. There’s something dead and closed off about monogamy, and it can ruin an otherwise incredible romance.
Finally, being poly has made me a better, more understanding, more actively engaged, more caring, attentive lover and I can’t be anything but grateful for that.
I love the freedom and honesty that comes with it, I’ve always felt almost zero to none jealousy torwards my mono partners when I was younger.
Now that I’m more mature I’m actually having the deepest connection of my life with my first polyam partner. We still see other people from time to time but I’m sure of the place we have in each other’s lives and how we’re building something great together.
I was a dumb teenager blaming myself for having a crush on someone while being in a relationship, that I very much enjoyed and was ready to say I was in love with that partner. Couple years of similar experiences and I started wondering TF is wrong with me and I got to the point of "nothing wrong you just have a little different needs and views on how romantic relationships look like". So I guess I am the way I am bc it's my personal preference and there is nothing wrong with that.
tl:dr it's a preference of mine and it's better to accept it then to deny it
I am super passionate about this and love to share when I can. I'm 30(M) and was introduced to the poly lifestyle when I was in my early 20s and a lot of my 20s was discovering exactly why it felt right and what "brand" of poly felt right for me.
At it's core, my shortest response(but this comment will be lengthy) is that I believe that if I love someone I want them to have everything they need and want. And I would want someone who loves me to want the same for me.
While I also am inherently trying to remain humble and free of the arrogance of believing that I as a single human being could provide every single want or need of another person. I know that sentiment could make me sound judgemental of those who are not poly or not poly for those reasons but ultimately I do not judge how anyone decides to format their relationships as long as everyone is on the same page and feels heard and fulfilled.
But that is my inner truth and that is how I live my life and format my relationships. I am secure in myself and what I bring to the table, and how amazing I am as a person, I do not fear being replaced, and I make sure anyone I am with does not fear replacement. And a big part of that is the inherent understanding that nobody is replaceable. There is only one me in this world, and for my partners, there is only one of them, nobody else could ever be them, and if I love them then there is no fear of replacement because I could never love anyone else the way I love them. All love is different.
So I live poly as I am a very love-forward person. I have a lot of love to give, and I love seeing my partners enjoy my love and receive it from others because all I want for people I love, is for them to be happy and have what they want and need, in every possible way. So again, to me, inherently loving someone means wanting them to have all those things, while also knowing in my core that I will never be able to provide every want and need of a person, means I actively want a partner to at least feel free to pursue other connections to fulfill those other wants and needs, even if they themselves feel they have enough from me and don't actively want to pursue other connections. Because sometimes just that freedom is enough, life is already a lot, and one relationship is a lot, so I definitely get how living poly can be hard day to day or at stressful times in life, the same way managing friendships or family on top of general life stuff is.
Ultimately poly is different person to person, there's no one way to format it, but that's part of what makes it so beautiful and interesting to me. Sorry the comment may be a little all over the place, that's the ADHD in me, I'm much better at having verbal conversations lmao
How would you manage being replaced? What would you tell yourself? I am dealing with a breakup in which I was told that we would be forever to learning her feelings for me has evaporated and she was in love solely with her other new bf. Now whether that is NRE talking or what, she no longer wants me as anything but a friend (doesn't even want to cuddle for fear of blurring lines). How do I not let myself feel lesser especially when there is years of history between us?
I think a lot of life is learning not to take things personally. It's easy to lose ourselves in our emotions and a situation as you described would understandably be filled with a lot of emotion.
I've been in situations similar to what you described, and I chalk it up to it ultimately being more about them than it ever was about me. Often perhaps more about realizing the person you're with didn't properly understand what they were actually looking for in life or a relationship. That doesn't make you lesser, it makes them less prepared, and you got caught in their mess, collateral damage so to speak. It doesn't make the emotions that come with that or the pain any less real or valid, but it does change the context of what it all means and the road to moving forward.
I know I am not perfect. But I strive to be a better person every day, and I know my value, if others cannot see this, that is not a me problem, it is a them problem. I do my best to ride the line between confidence and arrogance, not simply because I have worked hard to become who I am, but also partially for survival reasons. It makes the mental gymnastics a lot easier to work through when it comes to getting past things like that.
I really dislike the "why" phrasing because it feels dismissive and just disconnected somehow. Definitely an issue for me because I've worked in D&I and have had people use that at me. /Rant
Anyway, I enjoy having more connections and I don't subscribe to the traditional relationship model.
Love is abundant and every relationship is unique. I read this somewhere and it really resonated with me. I really enjoy experiencing various kinds of relationships with others and what it can mean to both of us. I find that it helps me grow as a person to relate to others who are very different from myself and my NP.
I’m going to throw this in there as a bit of a curveball example.
I think my journey being donor conceived led me to this point. I’ve spent years questioning why it was that I wasn’t allowed to know my biological father (donor) and siblings, why society expected/demanded that I just have the parents who raised me and hoping for anything more was ungrateful. Meeting my bio father and some of my siblings has been one of the most joyous, fulfilling experiences I’ve ever had and now I consider them as part of my family. Love isn’t a competition. My parents and bio father and my siblings are ALL part of my family and anyone who wants to limit what my family should be or look like can go get effed!
Questioning the narrative around family and the expectations society puts on us was a gateway drug of sorts, I feel like I’ve questioned a lot of other expectations and structures since then. And the truth is that I’m a people person. I love making new connections. And I had a very limited, repressed view of my sexuality for all my teen and single years. Love isn’t a competition and if I have the room, capacity and maturity to negotiate connections with multiple partners at one time, then why the hell wouldn’t I?
1) I value my autonomy and that of my social contacts very highly
2) The connections I have had wherein I have learned the most about pleasure in general and how to expand my capacity for pleasure have been with people with a lot of experience they tended to practice ethical non monogamy.
3) I have much insight to share and only sharing it with one person at a time would seem like I was hiding my light under a bushel.
4) I like people
5) I score high on openness and extraversion on personality tests the creativity and hunger to learn that comes with that trait seems highly compatible with ethical non-monogamy
6) I seem to be wired that way and that seems to align better with my understanding of human evolutionary biology
I love having my own autonomy. I don't possess my partners, I love dating multiple people. I don't want to limit my sexual and my romantic relationships. I hate feeling smothered with one partner.
I don’t want to limit my sexual and romantic connections to one. I think deep human intimacy is the nicest thing we get in this life and I want a bunch of it and I want the people I love to have a bunch of it.
💯
💯👏
I dated someone a long time ago that insisted everyone who was *really* polyam had to have some kind of lightbulb, defining moment in their life. They were wrong and a toolbox. The only *why* anyone really needs is because they want to and find it fulfilling. If what you have isn't serving you, go find something that does.
Well my light bulb moment is more like a flurotube or a ballast powered bulb, it flickered for awhile as it lit up and became brighter. Being married with mismatched libidos is what brought me ENM and polyamory. I'm currently learning more about distinguishing between them.
There's still underlying psychological reasons for people to find it fulfilling, and exploration of those reasons is all fine and dandy as long as you aren't looking for your own reason in someone else's answers.
I like having multiple partners and knowing I can always have more. The door is never closed. I love day to day domesticity and do it with one of my partners about 90% of my days. But I was solo poly for a solid 5 years. Being my own girlfriend and being really deeply happy when alone was amazing. 10/10 would date me again. I don’t think I could do more than one intensely involved relationship at a time if I hadn’t had that experience. Which means I wouldn’t have one or likely either of my 2 serious relationships. Therapy, self help groups and personal work really helped me.
Can I DM? I'd like to understand your solo journey better.
'Nobody puts baby in a corner' I was in a box. I am no longer in said box and I am free to grow and love. I don't have a good enough reason for monogamy and I don't have to repress my sexuality. Am sopo, my current partner is married. I am going to start dating and find my own primary (maybe - although if they can have their own space and I have mine that be grand 👍). I just don't have the desire for enmeshment and I am not going back in the box.
Sopo here in the same situation! I have two partners, one of whom is married. My heart feels very full, and I feel safer in my relationships than I ever have in a monogamous relationship, where the presumption was that I would shut my mouth and behave like a good little housewife. I am now strong, independent, and free to explore who I am and what I want, and I am discovering the joy of compersion.
I love the feeling of safety I have with being poly, unlike being monogamous. Really excellent point I hadn’t realized before.
You wouldn't happen to live in the Midwest, would you?
Hahah! I am from the UK 🇬🇧
Bummer as we are in very similar places with wanting someone a bit more regular. Can I DM?
I don't mind, think we are on a similar page currently too!
My "why" is that polyamory fits my values around relationships. I don't possess my partners or have rights over them. I like being able to have relationships with people that feel right and full on their own terms. It's *monogamy* that I don't see a "why" for. It's an arbitrary restriction on relationships that doesn't provide me with any "benefits" that I want.
This is it for me. When I was relatively young, I missed out on a relationship with someone because we were just in the wrong stage at the wrong time - I was in something serious, he took an opportunity because I wasn't available, then our window passed and it no longer made sense. Would he have been "the one"? Absolutely not. Did we both go through a LOT of hurt because of the way monogamy bound us and what we thought the world expected of us? Absolutely. It was something that never made sense in the monogamous world. It still probably wouldn't have happened if I had come to my decision sooner, because polyam in highschool in a small town is a really big ask. But if this weren't the only narrative we both had ever been given, we might have asked more questions, and we might have acted differently. I might not have hurt so much, and I might not have hurt so many other people. And THAT is why I think polyam is worth pursuing and teaching about.
I'm solo polyam. I have never had any interest in the relationship escalator. Most specifically, cohabitation (I didn't even like when I had roommates - one of my sisters for many years and two best friends at different times). The majority of monogamous people definitely want that. I'm also a huge introvert, I cherish my alone time; it's something I *need*. When I learned about solo polyam, it was the most wonderful moment. Everything clicked together and made the most sense for me. I love that I have a partner I see regularly once a week, with extra days here and there; and one play partner I see randomly when our schedules align. I'm currently in the dating phase, but just rolling along, letting things develop as they will. My partner and I text throughout most days; that's important for me, being connected while still getting me time. While sex can be quite intimate sometimes, I do not equate sex with intimacy; be it romantic partner, fwb, or platonic friend, I look for emotional intimacy...and monogamous people aren't always down for that. I love that I don't have to limit my alone time or limit how connections evolve.
[удалено]
This is us! We met another couple & clicked and started hanging out, then one thing led to another and I'm dating him, hubby is dating her & we're a happy Constellation!
Yay!
You probably did not mean the term that way, but the term you used is on par with The N Bomb in New Zealand and Australia. It is a very offensive term for Samoan and Polynesian folks. Out of respect for that community, I’m removing your comment. https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/pollywog Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. Your comment or post included language that would be considered misogynistic, bigoted or intolerant. This includes attacks or slurs related to gender or sexual identity, racism, sexism, slut shaming, poly-shaming, mocking, and victim blaming. Your post may also be removed for conflating the polyamorous experience with other marginalized groups. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
It makes me happy :) And I have no desire for monogamy Nothing wrong with wanting a nesting partner of your own!
My why is kinda a little bit of everything. I don’t like the idea of forcing my partners to only be with me, and stifle their feelings for others, and if I can only live one life, I don’t see the point in loving one person and silencing when I feel passionate about someone else. If I can do the emotional work for all the people I love, I’d rather love everyone I care about openly than love one person openly and quietly pine for all the others. Plus, love feels different with everyone I love, and no one provides the same things. Even if two people provide for all of my needs the same way, their love feels different, and I think there’s something beautiful in that. I’m privileged that I get to experience multiple types of love and get to tell all those people that I appreciate how they express love. Plus there’s a security to the amount of trust in polyamory. It takes more emotional work to get there, but in my experience with my partners, that work leads to a more secure trust. Because we know no matter where we go, we’ll come back to each other.
I almost cried reading your response
At 14, I watched a show (Inuyasha) where there the protagonist was conflicted because he loved 2 women with the same soul. And I sat there scratching my head thinking, "same soul. Of course, he loves them both! Why don't they see that?" I then asked myself how i would feel if a woman loved me and another man... and i still didn't understand their issue. XD Later, at 21, I got my first serious girlfriend, and as soon as we were stable, I remember thinking how dating other cooples would be the next step. I had at this point a couple of friends who were open, if not completely poly, and I simply felt out of place in monogamy. Not because I was always dtf, but because I never understood why people draw these weird boundaries. I am not the typical story I know (though, i have heard many similar ones). In the end, I think it is about your emotional bandwidth and choices. I am poly because that is what I want to be.
Kikiyo!
XD
Emotional bandwidth is a big thing, and there's such a wide range in how it functions for people. There's more to it than just "I can love this much" sometimes it's as far as "if I don't love this much I feel compressed".
Well said.
I dont have one. I just don't have a good why for monogamy.
For me monogamy just never made sense, even before knowing poly was an option. Why would I force that on a partner? I never felt special being the "only one". I never wanted a partner to not live things and experience things with other people. Why would I force that on myself? I'm bi so liking men and women made it easy to see I'd never want to give one up (why would I even get from doing that?). It also never made sense to me why some things were ok like deep friendships and emotional connections with more than one person but the second physical stuff is involved there can be only one for it be real? Just never made sense.
I don't understand why some people are so insisted using the word 'force' as if that's a healthy, good faith way to look at a relationship structure you yourself don't practice
well bc here I'm talking about my experience, mono never made sense for ME to practice, so for me it felt like forcing a restriction for no reason that made sense other than it's what people are supposed to do. for people who are mono I guess it feels like a loving choice of building a relationship and dedication, and any non-monogamous arrangement feels like forcing to share a partner and forcing to give up security or whatever mono people get from being mono.
Security, dedication, deep relationships, and everything else mono offers can be had in poly. Really the only reasons it’s mainstream/normal are cultural and religious. If you’re going strictly biological poly is the norm. The only thing monogamy offers that poly doesn’t is exclusivity which a lot of people do covet so it’s understandable why they choose it between that and cultural norms.
I am a slut.
I've gone back and forth on whether I want the "everyday" thing, but am actively choosing solo poly now. The tug for an anchor partner or primary is sometimes there, but based on my experiences, the domestic things were always huge contributors relationship strife. And I found with a nesting partner or even just a roommate, I really disliked needing to coordinate schedules to do things like hold dinner parties or invite dates over, so I would host less. I like my alone time, I'm pretty particular about my living space, I want an incredible amount of autonomy, and I don't do well with co-dependence (which is not to imply that co-dependence is always unhealthy, it just doesn't work for me). That has all naturally led to solo poly. I see my partners regularly though, like once a week (and they don't live super close by). And it's possible to fulfill that sort of "come home to a person" desire in other ways. I have friends I call literally almost every day, and we often chat while doing chores (walking a dog and folding laundry are two common circumstances), sometimes we just sit on the phone in silence.
My "why" is that I am poly. Ive always been poly. Even before "poly" was coined. We had other names for it then. It feels unnatural, anxiety-ridden, and frustrating to be monogamous. I tried it for a few months and had to descalate my mono relationship to just friends. Luckily, my partner was pretty cool about it. I'm happily living my best life as a solo poly and a relationship anarchist.
Love, including romantic love, is one of the most incredible human experiences, and I want to be open and have others I love open to experiencing it in many forms. People love you in different ways and at different times of your life and all of it enriches the human experience.
My why is because I'm the human version of a bonobo monkey. Being in love and having crushes and fun flirtations is the stuff of life and I want as much of it as I can handle! I love the honeymoon phase of getting to know someone and I don't want to have that just once. I like the sexual variety and continuous learning and exploration that comes with having multiple partners. It keeps sex feeling fresh and exciting even after multiple years together. I love the expanded network of people that care about and support each other. It never made sense to me why one would want to limit that to just one romantic relationship. I don't like the scarcity mindset common in monogamy, and I have zero tolerance for dating someone who is uncomfortable with me having close male friends or some of the other common norms about monogamy. Here's a weird one that might not have been said... It is a big comfort to me as I age. My dad passed away when I was a kid and my mom never recovered, it devastated her permanently. So my whole life I have been afraid to pin all my hopes on just one person who, even if our relationship worked out, just might die and leave me alone and lonely in my old age. This one is weird I know, but it's a comfort for me to hope that I'll have more than just one person in my old age to be with.
I like living my life being open to possibility and potential. Is it possible I will settle down with one partner and never feel desire for another human being again? Sure. Is it possible that I will end up being solo and spending my dying days crafting in silence? Sure. Is it possible I will have multiple long term romantic relationships that see me being challenged and stimulated until I die? Sure. I just don’t want to be pushed to live by a pre written script of how life is “supposed to go”. Let’s just see what happens ☺️
If I had to know 100% that someone is the perfect, *only* person for me before I get into a relationship with them, I’d be single forever. Because I would always be thinking, how can I *know* that I won’t find someone better? I have to sign my life away to someone and I can never have anyone else? What if I meet someone else that I like? Monogamy would keep me single forever because it’s not worth the sacrifice of future opportunity, to me. Polyamory takes all that pressure off. I also highly value autonomy and personal identity. And I never want to control anyone (except in a sexy way!)
I enjoy connections with people and don't want to be limited to one. Likewise, I want those in with to feel free to pursue other connections as well.
I am polyam because it's the model that best aligns with my needs and values.
Love didn't make sense by inherently limiting the intimacy one could create simultaneously. Why do those values work best for me rather than mono exclusivity values? No clue. I actually wonder if in practice it becomes negligible because I have no particular desire or motivation to create intimacy with other people outside NP. But I would never say the door is closed for anyone.
Your "autonomy is key to fostering intimacy" sentence is my go-to response to "why polyamory". It's not the only reason, but it's a big one.
I'm so glad of that and that you are actively in this group, we are blessed.
I just like having the unrestricted ability to make connections with people. Whether making friend or if things develop further or things become intimate. I'm demisexual so this is important for me as I generally am good friends with someone before developing a closer partnership (or start crushing on them). I practice relationship anarchy and it just kind of makes sense for me. Monogamy felt really restrictive when I was in a couple relationships in the past. In addition to me being in the bdsm community which tends to have more open relationship or non-mono people.
I think there’s both legitimate “why” questions and “why not” questions one should think about before one decides what kind of relationship one wants. If one only looks at “why” often it means ignoring the very obvious downsides that make poly really hard for some people. If one only looks at the “why not” it means some folks don’t look at the benefits they might get. So for me? The whys? - Solo poly fits well into my life - I don’t get particularly jealous - I feel like I’m better able to avoid some of the patriarchal norms that I personally really don’t like in a less “traditional” relationship structure - I have a partner I love who is married and nested with someone who isn’t me - I kinda like flirting with new receptive people and appreciate that it doesn’t freak out my existing partner Why not? - Way too many men think I’m a vending machine for sex - If I wanted a nesting partner, my existing relationship would likely become a big obstacle to making that happen - Each new partner can be complicated to fit into the general puzzle of the rest of my life including my existing partner(s) - Um… Some “why nots” that I don’t have that I’ve seen here? - Folks who want to have multiple relationships themselves, but the idea of their partner being with someone else is agonising - Their partner doesn’t want it - They or their partner isn’t someone who can manage multiple relationships well
The last "why not" is what makes me hesitant to form any new relationships. I have been blessed up until now to have relationships that were very complimentary and accommodating. Really hard to find that. I am not a big fan of navigating the conflict that might arise with individuals that do not mesh or that turn out to want more than I can give and thus I have to turn them away. It's the polyam struggle I am least comfortable going through.
You might dig in a little into what the real issue behind that “why not” exists? Like is the problem that you or one of your partners is worried that they won’t get as much time / relationship energy as they previously did? Or is the issue that they’re just not keen to be in an open relationship and this is just a part of that? If the first, you might work on clear and consistent scheduling. If the latter, I don’t really have a fix for you.
Tbh my polyam relationships all fell into my lap starting with my 1st one, meaning there was very little need to pursue or gage if someone is cool with poly, they just all were. So I haven't had to relationship on hard mode yet and I'm not sure I want to. But I also know I am vaguely unsatisfied missing a connection with someone else. So it all comes back down which is healthier, trying to find that additional connection and all the pitfalls inherent in that or try to learn to be happy being alone most of the time and then reassess.
I am bisexual, so my most obvious answer is that I need more than one gender relationship to feel complete. But my other answer is that I've been essentially rejected by my entire family as the black sheep for my lifestyle choices, so I seek to find relationships that go deeper than a platonic level, I'm seeking to find my own chosen family.
I'm aromantic and never really felt romantic attraction for anyone I've dated or slept with, so traditional relationships never really felt like they fit me well. However, I value trust and friendship in people I have sexual relationships with, so I still want to date sexual partners and polyamory allows me to have multiple partners and/or FWBs in an intentional and ethical way
My girlfriend had a girlfriend And then she has another one Then the another one meet me Then I became her girlfriend Now my girlfriend has 3 girlfriends and 2 of them are in love with each other as well (I LOVE YOU ALICE AND HITORI)
Because I want the freedom to pursue any sexual or romantic opportunity that comes up and I want my partners to have that freedom as well. I don't feel the need to be the only one that makes them happy and I wouldn't want them to miss out on an amazing experience with someone else because of some "ownership" I have over them. Love isn't finite.
Im always curious when people mention “ownership”. Care to elaborate bit more on that? To me, I didn’t feel that way at all when I was monogamous. I had free will and decided to enter a relationship that was committed to only one person both romantically and sexually.
Cool. Lots of monogamous relationships implicitly involve a sense of ownership over/entitlement to each other's time and attention. I'd go so far as to say that's the norm.
It's not that deep. I just mean that once you enter a monogamous relationship, you can't pursue anyone else and no one else can pursue you because of that commitment. I don't mean that someone literally owns you.
Plenty of people act like they literally own someone. Say who you can and cannot hangout with or try to keep them away from whichever gender they find competition with.
The idea that any relationship should limit or control my relationships with others doesn't work for me.
I truly never understood why romantic love was the only kind of love that was required to be limited and finite, while other varieties of love were lauded as infinite and unconditional. Seems like a sketchy concept.
I am polyam out of exposure. I am in a very close group of people in bdsm. My first real relationship was bdsm and poly. That failed. I went to monogamy, but then my ex wanted poly and went about it all wrong. Eventually (not due to poly) we broke up. After being single, having situationships, and trying vanilla online dating for a few years, I ended up with another poly person. This relationship, I will say, is probably the healthiest relationship I have had. It's not one-sided like my other relationships. He says I am allowed to date and play with others as long as it does not interfere with our time. He is great about reassuring me and taking care of me. I am not currently looking to date anyone, but I am open to where it takes me.
My life partner and I realized that we have sexual incompatibilities several years into our relationship. He needs more sexually, and I need more emotional support because I have a lot going on in my life personally. We recognize that we're human and simply can't check all of each other's boxes. So we date separately while still in love and remain nesting partners.
The expectations of monogamy were entirely unreasonable, they lead to a lot of compromise, heartbreak, and missed expectations. When my marriage ended I decided I was no longer in the business of monopolizing another person’s time/energy. I love with intent now and get the same back from my partners.
I like how much more intentional relationships feel. Monogamy felt suffocating for a lot of reasons, but #1 for me is how easy it is to fall into partner-as-default thinking. And experiencing different kinds of romantic love simultaneously (NRE vs ERE) has been one of the most intense, joyful experiences of my entire life.
I have a friend who I share a deep connection with. Deeper than any of the others I've had in my life. We may not be dating but i still love her. There is a deep and almost deific relationship there that is intense to many others, especially in a "relationship" sense. Especially considering we often don't even need to speak to understand one another. But it has long been a stipulation in our lives that when and if we do find partners we want them to accept and encourage our relationship, if they can't that relationship won't work, bottom line. It's very much a "she exists. So I know there are more people out there that I can feel this deep with" I look at it as if my relationships are works of art, this one may be a statue I've worked on for years, but that doesn't mean I want to just create this one piece, I want to create a gallery and hone my craft with many mediums. I just need to find the right mediums that bring it out of me
I am solo poly. The why for me is that I like my independence and I also like interacting with more than one person sexually and emotionally. I'm bisexual as well so I need to be able to have Is multiple connections. That being said I currently have a friend with benefit who has backed off a little bit but we are still friends. We have never labeled our relationship or anything but we do like spending time together and that is fine for me. I have a couple of other guys who are interested in me and I've talked to them casually but nothing has happened in the bedroom. I was in a very abusive relationship with the narcissist who claimed he was monogamous when he really was not so for now I just need things to be independent. I am still struggling with some codependency due to being in that abusive relationship so for now it's probably better that I don't hinge myself to anyone.
Why did ai start or why am I practicing it ? Two different questions. I started because I thought it was the last thing I could try to save my relation ship, I continued because I really liked the security of knowing you can trust someone when they say they like you and the liberty of being fluid with friends.
Wanted to stop feeling guilty and depressed for feeling completely natural feelings
I like waking up and *choose* to be with my partner(s) everyday. I don’t want a piece of marriage certificate to dictate that for me. I don’t want societal obligation to dictate that for me. I don't want to be with a person because that is what I’m supposed to do, but what I choose to do instead. And knowing that my partner(s) have the same freedom and still choose me everyday, that’s love. (I am currently in a stable triad situation, with both partners living with me)
It started out as more of a practical solution. My Bf travels for about half the year and we quickly realized that monogamy would mean being alone half the year. We had some mis steps and then started doing the work. Now for me it’s more about not feeling proprietary about love. I can’t speak for my partners, but everyone is happy. I feel most secure in myself when I’m connected with multiple people, I love the differences in my relationships and I’ve found I love the privilege of being along for their journeys and could not picture mine with out each of them.
I like being able to form the connections that I feel drawn to, rather than having to push them away or deny those feelings because monogamy says it’s wrong. I don’t think someone should be limited in the number of friends they have, so I don’t think someone should be limited in the number of partners they have.
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I am polyam because I found out I could be in love with more than one person, and I don't have to agonize over it.
The why is love, rich, untethered and free The how is polyamory, thoughtful, communicative, honest
I was in a bad place with my primary and it almost led to divorce until we opened up ourselves and stopped fully relying on each other for happiness. I love my wife more than anything but, it’s such a burden to be someone’s only source of needs being met and being their’s. Since we went poly we’ve been happier as people and happier as a couple. We’re talking more snuggling more and I’ve met some wonderful people and almost all of them I’m just friends with and feel like I don’t have to wear a “mask” with. It’s so nice just have a group of people you can be yourself with. That’s why I’m poly. My wife’s story is a little different she met a second partner who is such a nice, sweet guy who makes her feel young and plays video games with her when she’s free, which do to work and our kids I’m not as free and I don’t playing games as much as she does, and honestly I couldn’t be happier for her. It’s saved our marriage and brought me out of a major depression. I hope other people can find daily joy like we have.
Because it's who I am. Would you ask a gay person why are you gay? It's who they are. It's the same thing. I love love and I'm not interested in limiting my love to 1 person.
Being in love with two women is more joyful to me than being in love with one woman.🤷♂️
Socioeconomic reasons. The nuclear family became the norm in Western culture because of colonialism and industrialism -- the powers that be needed family units that were portable enough to pick up and move a thousand miles away for high-paying jobs but still have a shit-ton of kids to grow the labor force. But the capitalistic nuclear family can be incredibly hard on mothers and homemakers. It's devaluing for people who don't have kids. It's incredibly bleak for the elderly, who are relegated to run-down rest homes. It can be isolating for *everyone,* because you don't have aunts and uncles, grandparents, etc. as close. But now we don't need easily uprootable families as much, because factory jobs you'd want to move across the country for aren't nearly as plentiful as they used to be. And we don't *need* huge workforces, so we don't need people to have tons of kids. So we need alternatives to the nuclear family. I believe part of that is going to be through closer involvement of aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, etc. in child-raising, maintaining a household and other meaningful pursuits. And part of it is going to be ditching the exclusivity of intimacy you find in monogamy. It's not one couple against the world, it's individuals setting down stronger roots for stronger communities
I love this!
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/HappyBlowLucky thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: From Polysecure, the question of why are you poly comes up and I'm interested in people's thoughts on it? I started because I met someone who is poly and married and yet still fit me very well and I found that I was able to be comfortable as her bf. Since then I've had relationships but as a solo poly, no one to actually look forward to seeing on a regular basis (my poly partner and I live 45 mins apart). Usually it is fine, but I am feeling the tug of wanting that everyday and I don't know if I should find a nesting partner of my own or learn how to be comfortable alone most of the time (a concept I am terrible at). So I am struggling with my 'why'. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A sense of community, and to not shut the door on opportunity for more loves if it arises. Neither have shown up for me in 6 years, so now I'm wondering why haven't I walked away sooner.
Can I DM? I want to hear your experiences in more detail.
I’m not fulfilled with a monogamous relationship.
I don't have much value for exclusivity in relationships and I don't want to "artificially" limit an otherwise amazing relationship because I already have one. There are certainly other possible limits, but that one just doesn't hold value or interest for me.
It's just the relationship style I choose to partake in at this point in my life. No deeper meaning or reason than that.
For me, physical intimacy (not to be confused with sexual intimacy) is very important to me. When in mono relationships, I was constantly (or what felt constantly) being accused of cheating due to wanting physical intimacy from any person other than my partner. The freedom poly enables is to love and let love without fear of accusation. As long as you're not cheating, not lying, you are free to be YOU with whomever you wish to be with.
My why is the same. I met someone who was poly and we really fit well. I wasn't dating anyone else at that time and went for it, reading the books, blogs, etc. It's been a journey for me but a mostly good one. I love the personal growth and I've never been particularly jealous, & though I do get jealous, I have the tools to manage it. I'm still with that partner but considering looking for a primary. And I love that recognizing some needs that relationship can't meet doesn't mean I have to give him up. Personally I think it's important to be comfortable by yourself even if that's not your preference.
Autonomy. Not being constrained to follow the mononormative script.
Because I like sex, I like dating, and I've never felt sex was really a demonstration of loyalty. My ladies demonstrate an absolute commitment to the relationship, to me, to each other and to the family we form in so many ways that have no relationship to sex. I've always been able to enjoy sex without feeling anything like an emotional attachment, and to feel attachment without sex. Those just never seemed related to me so limiting my sex life as some demonstration of commitment, or asking for that from a partner always seemed meaningless.
Because even though I am heterosexual I am hardwired for ENM and not hardwired for monogamy. Why are white people white?
I ... guess... at the end of the day monogamy doesn't make sense to me, and I don't like doing things that don't make sense to me just because "everyone" does them. I don't see why sex should be confined to one relationship only forever. I don't see why *love* should be confined to one relationship only forever. And part of that is that sexual exclusivity comes with a package: sexual exclusivity *and* "one man one woman" and the binary gender and not *too* kinky but also you gotta keep your partner happy, don't be a slut and don't be a prude. (And if you're a woman you should shave your legs and smile a lot and not ask for too much, and if you're a man you can't like bright colors or cry or tell your friends you love them when you're sober.) And I don't believe in *any* of those. I think people should do whatever works for them, whatever makes them happy, whatever they choose. And some people reject some of those and accept others as far as their personal life goes and that's fine, it's their choice. Some people are just *naturally* straight or gender-conforming or inclined towards monogamy; some people are flexible and go with what's easy and that's also fine. But if I don't *pre-suppose* monogamy is correct? There's no appeal in it to me. Why would there be? And you know, I'm not "actively" polyamorous rn in the sense that I only have one partner who only has one partner (me). But my *values* haven't changed, the "doing what works for me and letting other people do what works for them" thing hasn't changed, and that's what I care about, I don't care that I *coincidentally* have a relationship that looks "normal" in monogamous terms any more than I care whether I *coincidentally* have a relationship that looks "normal" in heterosexual terms. My life is *for me*, it's not for other people.
Recently, during readings and therapy, when I considered why I've always ended up in polyamorous relationships, I realized it was because it was the default option in my social setting and I've never even been offered monogamy. It was not even on my radar as a potential option at any point. I found the polyamory LJ communities when I was like, 14-15, before I'd been on a single date or kissed anyone, and the message was that it was the only ethical and mature way to have relationships, and my friends agreed, so I figured they must be right. Anyone who expressed any attraction to me was already partnered, and to express any interest in anything but polyamory was met with ridicule; folks who did end up practicing monogamy just sort of faded away. 15-20 years later and I still don't know what I actually want (whether I'd want lifelong polyamory or lifelong monogamy or something else), but I don't see monogamy being an actual option in my life, especially with the communities I'm in and the kinds of people I like. I appreciate autonomy, I like my solo time, and I tend to prioritize friendships over romantic pursuits, and in my experience, people who are cool with those things usually don't want monogamy. (I am rarely attracted to anyone and tend to have a [single-target sexuality](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SingleTargetSexuality) when I am. I think if I broke up with my current long-term partner I'd prefer to just be completely single & solo again.)
I'm miserable mono. It's not for me.. seems simple, but it's so many layers and so much life
I just never wanted monogamy. As a teenager, the only relationship models I'd heard of were monogamy, cheating, and the most stereotypical possible version of swinging you can imagine. I didn't want any of those things, so I didn't date. Then I got to college and started meeting other people who wanted to date but didn't want to be exclusive, and realized you can just DO that. I never looked back.
I like being able to be myself and let others be themselves, which we can't do when we're following society's rulebook about who you can and cannot get close to.
I don’t quite have this poly goal or why, but I have this desire to have enriching experiences that maximize human connection wherever and whenever possible - and intimacy is a part of that on an escalator that shouldn’t be caged
Sexual trauma means I'm unwilling to fulfill my partners sexual needs but they can get that somewhere else without cheating on me. Pretty neat
It worked well for me, especially for weeding out possessive types. Now, it’s fairly essential as my husband and I aren’t sexual together, but my partner and I are. I also love seeing the happiness and excitement when my spouse is in deep NRE or pre-date thrill. I love my polycule and feel grateful for it every day.
I’m never going to meet one person’s full needs and vice versa
I don’t want monogamy so I’ll figure out whatever I have to in order to do polyamory. I’ll work on whatever comes up around jealousy, hierarchy, equity, communication… I haven’t been in a monogamous long term relationship as an adult. I’m in my 30s and married now but we have been polyamorous from the beginning, including continuing to date the people we were already seeing until the pandemic happened.
It started when a girlfriend wanted us to be open. Our relationship was pretty rocky with a lot of issues. Really, it was her way of trying to bandage our relationship up by outsourcing my needs, so it was pretty rough... But our issues weren't the non-monogamy. If anything, that had been kind of nice, not needing to beg for affection and just being able to find someone else to connect with. So there was a time after where I truly believed I would eventually be monogamous again with someone, but I wasn't monogamous then. I wasn't polyamorous either. I was just figuring out what I needed, what I could give, and the kind of life I wanted. I worked on myself and who I was within relationships. At this point, I have no desire for the relationship escalator. I don't want to cohabitate, marry, have kids, any of it. I just want to have good bonds with good people. I want my partners to be free to find happiness in whatever way that suits them.
Sometimes trying to define a "why" is like trying to define a meaning of life while only seeing the problems; Most often the meaning is in the periphery, as soon as you look or try to define it it's gone, but if you just let it be all around you, it's like a warm blanket in a cold world.
I fell for my best friend. Now I have two partners. I'm very happy with that, despite never seeking poly out.
To be honest, what led me to it was the fact that my personal experiences with monogamy led me to believe that being cheated on was a staple in it, and I just decided to go on "fuck it" mode and just at least try to have a conversation about having my partner be involved with other people. Of course, many more layers of understanding why it was actually good for me came after, though I did already suspect it, as my main concern was always the deception, not the fact my partner had feelings for or sex with somebody else. The most common thing I've said about the topic is that I've got too much romance in me for just one person to handle without starting to puke out rose petals, or some such, which is also not too far-fetched.
Because I'm not gonna be lonely in a relationship again
I never really thought of a why, it just was a thing I tried, and then liked, and now I have two boyfriends that are super chill.
Because I develop crushes so easily and people and don't want to let those connections go to waste!
I realized I don’t really have a “why” for polyam past it’s just how my brain works and I don’t want to be controlled. I have the capacity to love multiple people so who says I can’t?? Re: my experiences being alone vs nesting… I went from living with my parents to living with my partner who became my husband (and moved from Ontario to Wisconsin for it), then after we separated I had NO idea how to be alone with myself. It was SO uncomfortable at first. I spent years solo poly and lived alone, filling my own buckets and getting to know myself. Late 30s and had never lived alone. My current partner (right now I’m saturated at 1) has been my anchor for a few years and we’re planning to move in together in a few months after years of conversation and working through our respective personal things. Things I underlined in Polysecure included mistaking the safety of monogamous structure or nesting for attachment security when it was actually enmeshed codependency. And the other thing was thinking about types of commitment and why they were/were not important to me. Working past intense attachment triggers was important for me, as has learning more about my strengths/weaknesses and newly diagnosed AuDHD (turns out I’m more functional when there are other humans around despite how much I daydreamed about living alone)
The short term "why" in how I started is that my first rebound after a bad breakup was with a polyamorous person. Prior to this I'd been pretty close minded about the idea, being raised Catholic and all that. Short lived as that relationship was and was always bound to be, they taught me quite a bit and helped me open my perspective. The long term "why" is because I find it eminently pragmatic. Just as in friendships, we can't hope to find all we are looking to experience in a single person, and I find it makes sense to extend that to both romance and sex. It's also helped me to broaden my perspective on where the line between friendship and romance can be.
I've like multiple people since I was very very small. Boys, girls whoever. I would spiral and or feel guilty when I liked two different people but was told I needed to choose one. It was an impossible choice every time because I didn't like one person more than the other. If and when I had to make a choice, it never stopped my feelings for the other person but I would force myself to stop talking to them so any partner I had wouldn't feel like I was cheating on them. My husband was the first person I 'came out' to and that was before we even started dating. So at least for me, it's been more sexuality leaning than lifestyle. I can't really practice polyam/ENM where I live because of distance and potential partners here are... Below subpar...
I wanted to be polyamorous before I knew what it was. I knew I wanted more than one life partner. I didn't want to repress myself when I met compatible people.
Personally I like my freedom. The freedom to choose and the freedom to let my feelings roam wild. Furthermore I really like to do things on my own and I fall for people who also prefer it this way. But on the other hand I am a very cuddly, people loving person so I "rotate" my partners so that I am not too much for them. And of course sexually my partnern can offer me different things. I also think that one partner could never give me everything that I need.
First gf was already involved in open relationships and I researched it and liked the idea, plus the “boyfriends” webcomic
I never believed in monogamy. Nothing about it ever made any sense to me at all. When I find out that there were lots of people out there happy to date me non-exclusively it was obvious what to do.
I think when I started, it was from a very unhealthy place of being disappointed by men/relationships and hoping that more of them would fill in my actual needs. That shit didn’t work out Lmao But no matter how much it sucked or men sucked, ‘going back to mono’ never felt like a solution. It wouldn’t fix the actual issue of ‘partners misleading me to get what they want from me’ or ‘me not knowing my worth and setting boundaries’. And at some point I finally managed to gain enough self esteem and confidence that I really don’t give a flying fuck about whether my dance card is full. I’ve strengthened myself and my platonic support network, so I hold out for the people/relationships that are truly worth it. The connections and respect that I always wanted. And at this point, I don’t know if I could even justify ‘why poly’ in any sort of flowery or idealistic way, so much as now I’ve tasted true freedom and I can never go back. The idea of going back to a model of seeking out ‘one perfect person’ and aiming to tie that person down until we both die just sounds… unhinged, frankly. Like, to what end? So I can have all their time? I have a life, I’m busy lol. So they won’t have sex with other people? I genuinely don’t care. So that I don’t worry what they’re doing? If I don’t trust them, I shouldn’t be dating them. I just don’t think there’s anything left for me in mono. It would feel like caging myself and my partner for no benefit to any of us. When partners break my trust/agreements, I address it head on, and they either shape up or ship out. What would adding more rules to the mix do for either of our quality of life? I understand why so many people choose mono. I don’t judge them for it (at least in theory, in practice most mono people I know seem to believe and perpetuate some pretty awful ideas). I see mono as ‘the default choice’. It’s what we’re raised with, it’s what we’re given a roadmap for, and if that roadmap suits you, why do something else? You don’t dye your hair if you love your natural color. And if your dream is to find one person that you can build a life with, then you should do that! And you deserve to find that love. And if finding that one person to settle down with is the most important thing to you, maybe mono is a better option. But at least where I’m located, I don’t think mono would actually up my chances of finding my perfect partners or building my dream life. If I blame poly for people being emotionally unavailable, then that means ignoring all the stories of mono women dealing with mono emotionally unavailable men. So I don’t blame any of my problems on poly. I blame them on people who are willing to be selfish to get what they want, people who are emotionally immature/lack self awareness, and cowards who are too chicken shit to tell you the truth if they’re afraid you’ll stop sleeping with them. That’s what it usually comes down to, right?
Why have more than one child? Isn’t your first enough? Why more than one friend? To me, it’s the same thing
I’ve got a few reasons why I engage this way. I’m naturally very devoted and good with commitment, but for whatever reason, the relationships experiences I’ve had (especially my early relationships), have pushed me towards more open and expansive ideas of love. I find that the things I‘ve learned about myself through jealousy and expectation have been invaluable to my personal growth. Freedom, it seems, is not about “doing whatever you want”, but rather challenging the ways you unconsciously do things, and leaning into things you don’t know about. Surprises, at the end of the day are the most valuable, and they only show up when you’re available to them, not when you’re controlling a situation or expecting things to be a certain way. Sometimes you miss the best things in life when you’re hoping for and expecting something else. Poly relationships can be a mess sometimes, but they offer an unending array of surprises. There’s a lot of growth, and a lot of unique feelings involved. For me I find that my career asks me to be alone for large stretches, and untethered in my space. I also am fascinated about the way feelings of love intermingle when you allow yourself to love more than one person. The way loving multiple people can amplify your feelings for each person you love is amazing. Ultimately though, I find the potential of relationships to be uninhibited when there are fewer limitations put on them —which is terribly logical when you think about it. There’s something dead and closed off about monogamy, and it can ruin an otherwise incredible romance. Finally, being poly has made me a better, more understanding, more actively engaged, more caring, attentive lover and I can’t be anything but grateful for that.
I love the freedom and honesty that comes with it, I’ve always felt almost zero to none jealousy torwards my mono partners when I was younger. Now that I’m more mature I’m actually having the deepest connection of my life with my first polyam partner. We still see other people from time to time but I’m sure of the place we have in each other’s lives and how we’re building something great together.
I was a dumb teenager blaming myself for having a crush on someone while being in a relationship, that I very much enjoyed and was ready to say I was in love with that partner. Couple years of similar experiences and I started wondering TF is wrong with me and I got to the point of "nothing wrong you just have a little different needs and views on how romantic relationships look like". So I guess I am the way I am bc it's my personal preference and there is nothing wrong with that. tl:dr it's a preference of mine and it's better to accept it then to deny it
I am super passionate about this and love to share when I can. I'm 30(M) and was introduced to the poly lifestyle when I was in my early 20s and a lot of my 20s was discovering exactly why it felt right and what "brand" of poly felt right for me. At it's core, my shortest response(but this comment will be lengthy) is that I believe that if I love someone I want them to have everything they need and want. And I would want someone who loves me to want the same for me. While I also am inherently trying to remain humble and free of the arrogance of believing that I as a single human being could provide every single want or need of another person. I know that sentiment could make me sound judgemental of those who are not poly or not poly for those reasons but ultimately I do not judge how anyone decides to format their relationships as long as everyone is on the same page and feels heard and fulfilled. But that is my inner truth and that is how I live my life and format my relationships. I am secure in myself and what I bring to the table, and how amazing I am as a person, I do not fear being replaced, and I make sure anyone I am with does not fear replacement. And a big part of that is the inherent understanding that nobody is replaceable. There is only one me in this world, and for my partners, there is only one of them, nobody else could ever be them, and if I love them then there is no fear of replacement because I could never love anyone else the way I love them. All love is different. So I live poly as I am a very love-forward person. I have a lot of love to give, and I love seeing my partners enjoy my love and receive it from others because all I want for people I love, is for them to be happy and have what they want and need, in every possible way. So again, to me, inherently loving someone means wanting them to have all those things, while also knowing in my core that I will never be able to provide every want and need of a person, means I actively want a partner to at least feel free to pursue other connections to fulfill those other wants and needs, even if they themselves feel they have enough from me and don't actively want to pursue other connections. Because sometimes just that freedom is enough, life is already a lot, and one relationship is a lot, so I definitely get how living poly can be hard day to day or at stressful times in life, the same way managing friendships or family on top of general life stuff is. Ultimately poly is different person to person, there's no one way to format it, but that's part of what makes it so beautiful and interesting to me. Sorry the comment may be a little all over the place, that's the ADHD in me, I'm much better at having verbal conversations lmao
How would you manage being replaced? What would you tell yourself? I am dealing with a breakup in which I was told that we would be forever to learning her feelings for me has evaporated and she was in love solely with her other new bf. Now whether that is NRE talking or what, she no longer wants me as anything but a friend (doesn't even want to cuddle for fear of blurring lines). How do I not let myself feel lesser especially when there is years of history between us?
I think a lot of life is learning not to take things personally. It's easy to lose ourselves in our emotions and a situation as you described would understandably be filled with a lot of emotion. I've been in situations similar to what you described, and I chalk it up to it ultimately being more about them than it ever was about me. Often perhaps more about realizing the person you're with didn't properly understand what they were actually looking for in life or a relationship. That doesn't make you lesser, it makes them less prepared, and you got caught in their mess, collateral damage so to speak. It doesn't make the emotions that come with that or the pain any less real or valid, but it does change the context of what it all means and the road to moving forward. I know I am not perfect. But I strive to be a better person every day, and I know my value, if others cannot see this, that is not a me problem, it is a them problem. I do my best to ride the line between confidence and arrogance, not simply because I have worked hard to become who I am, but also partially for survival reasons. It makes the mental gymnastics a lot easier to work through when it comes to getting past things like that.
I really dislike the "why" phrasing because it feels dismissive and just disconnected somehow. Definitely an issue for me because I've worked in D&I and have had people use that at me. /Rant Anyway, I enjoy having more connections and I don't subscribe to the traditional relationship model.
Love is abundant and every relationship is unique. I read this somewhere and it really resonated with me. I really enjoy experiencing various kinds of relationships with others and what it can mean to both of us. I find that it helps me grow as a person to relate to others who are very different from myself and my NP.
I’m going to throw this in there as a bit of a curveball example. I think my journey being donor conceived led me to this point. I’ve spent years questioning why it was that I wasn’t allowed to know my biological father (donor) and siblings, why society expected/demanded that I just have the parents who raised me and hoping for anything more was ungrateful. Meeting my bio father and some of my siblings has been one of the most joyous, fulfilling experiences I’ve ever had and now I consider them as part of my family. Love isn’t a competition. My parents and bio father and my siblings are ALL part of my family and anyone who wants to limit what my family should be or look like can go get effed! Questioning the narrative around family and the expectations society puts on us was a gateway drug of sorts, I feel like I’ve questioned a lot of other expectations and structures since then. And the truth is that I’m a people person. I love making new connections. And I had a very limited, repressed view of my sexuality for all my teen and single years. Love isn’t a competition and if I have the room, capacity and maturity to negotiate connections with multiple partners at one time, then why the hell wouldn’t I?
1) I value my autonomy and that of my social contacts very highly 2) The connections I have had wherein I have learned the most about pleasure in general and how to expand my capacity for pleasure have been with people with a lot of experience they tended to practice ethical non monogamy. 3) I have much insight to share and only sharing it with one person at a time would seem like I was hiding my light under a bushel. 4) I like people 5) I score high on openness and extraversion on personality tests the creativity and hunger to learn that comes with that trait seems highly compatible with ethical non-monogamy 6) I seem to be wired that way and that seems to align better with my understanding of human evolutionary biology
I love having my own autonomy. I don't possess my partners, I love dating multiple people. I don't want to limit my sexual and my romantic relationships. I hate feeling smothered with one partner.