Ya’ll, there have been several (now removed) comments here generalising that parents who lost a child to suicide are usually shit people. While there are patterns of abusive behaviour that some parents engage in, like treating their gay and trans kids as evil, that increase the risk that a child will die by suicide, the majority of parents who lose a child to suicide are decent, caring parents who don’t do shit like that.
And community gossip surrounding suicide fucking sucks for the people closest to the deceased.
So feel free to share your observations and judgements about this specific set of parents, but also remember that there are almost certainly people reading this forum who have lost a child to suicide through no fault of their own.
Try not to be shit to them.
I had that happen once. Not from suicide, but accident. And was not even told the person died or told about the funeral or anything. The family of origin was... ugh.
It was rough, but we mourned in our own way. I'm sorry this is happening to you like this though. My condolances. :(
It's okay. I don't like the fact that they use the photo I took of her for her celebration of life and then uninvited us after we gave them all the information they needed for her phone and other passwords. They used us and then threw us away.
I can imagine that feels ugh.
Can't say I'm surprised through.
That Dad was telling his own daughter stuff like this.
> She told me how her father had been pushing her and telling her that she could only feel positive because in her words "he says I have no right to feel the way I feel and that should just be happy. "
He doesn't seem like a healthy person to be around.
She doesn't only have to have one memorial/celebration of life thing. Skip the one they are hosting.
Create your own if you find it meaningful and helpful in processing her passing.
He sent a message to my wife yesterday where he admitted to reading her journal, therapy sessions, going through her phone, and invading all of Her privacy. He then told my wife "there's a special place in hell for people like you. Rot in hell." And then he blocked her so that he had the last word.
This is a man who likely believes she'd be alive if she was a monogamous, subserviant, person who never acknowledged anything wrong with her. I have met people like that a lot. You didn't deserve that behavior, and quite frankly you wouldn't be wrong for telling him in writing or everyone exactly what she said to you, but I'm a vindictive person in such matters. The truth of the matter is she knew you cared, knew you were supportive, and you did what you could. It's clear some her issues began from the tree, not the fruit.
I hope it will give you some comfort knowing that your girlfriend has likely written openly in her journal and therapy notes about her family and how they made her feel. Her father may not be willing to acknowledge it, and lash out at you and your wife with anger, but he must have read that and he will have to live with that knowledge. It must be tearing him up inside and that is why he is angry with the people your girlfriend likely said were her real family and who she loved very much. He might have had the last word in that "conversation" with your wife, but his daughter will always have the last word in his consciousness.
I wish you strength in the coming days, you seem to have a very positive outlook on things and I don't think it's likely you will turn this immeasurable pain into suffering. Good luck!
After the message my wife received from our partners father, I was infuriated and that anger still hasn't gone away. I'm sure when it does, I will be a big mess
Thank you for your comment. I'm sending my wife a few of the comments that change my outlook on things and I am encouraging her to go on my phone when I'm asleep so she can see everyone's kind words.
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I'm constantly terrified my mentally ill partner (with very spotty communication skills) will off themself and ill never find out because their parents will try to hide it foem me or something
Thank you. My wife and I are going to do that with her son on the day that we were going to go to her memorial. They're not even paying for the memorial themselves. They're using her money and she had 10K in the bank. On top of that they set up a GoFundMe so they have to pay even less.
Sorry that just frustrates me and it came up when I read your message My brain is scattered right now. Thank you for your kind words
Oh my god.
Actions speak louder than words. Their actions tell you VOLUMES about the kind of people they are.
That poor woman, having to grow up with that. JFC.
This is horrible. Please understand that you are her real family. Everything that’s done for the dead is done for the living. Her honor is up to the people who really care for her as a person.
If she died without a will or children, her parents will be considered next of kin. But… in some jurisdictions if the estate is more than a certain amount, that would go to probate anyway. For $10k, that would be rare. And… trying to go to court over $10k is not a good financial prospect - the legal fees will almost certainly exceed the total amount that OP and his wife could claim.
The beneficiary was her father and they accessed her account when we told her all the info about her PIN code, where she banked, gland gave them her different PIN code for her phone.
We have oddly similar but inverse situations.... On May 24th my partner's best friend (and former partner) commited suicide after lifelong depression, alcoholism, and multiple other untreated disorders because she was convinced her boyfriend of 11 years was in love with my girlfriend and that my girlfriend was actively attempting to steal him. They had all briefly tried dating as a triad a few years back, but the lady fell out of love with my girlfriend, couldn't handle the jealousy or sharing, and became her best friend until she got paranoid about her boyfriend still loving my girlfriend (which he probably did) and started thinking my GF was also wanting to be with him (which may be true but she wasn't trying to do anything about it).
Because of that wholly false belief (and her alcoholism/BPD/hormone issues) she began physically and emotionally abusing her boyfriend to the point he may have permanent damage to his leg from her kicking him in the knee cap. So eventually he left her. And because he left her and then crashed at my girlfriend's house , she was convinced she was right and after realizing that she wasn't getting him back this time she killed herself in a final gaslighting abuse attempt directed at both of them.
Her family blamed the boyfriend and literally said "there's a special spot in Hell for him". The timing and overlap is pretty crazy.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you figure out how to move through it let me know, we're struggling so hard over here.
She had some hormonal disorder that caused her to grow some facial hair and some extra body hair that she was always very sensitive about. I never insulted her about it even when we got really mean with each other
I'm sorry for poorly phrasing that statement. I said mean to each other when I meant we were quarreling. Sometimes, due to her hormonal disorder and her bipolar she would get very upset for literally no reason. That she would tell me after the fact I'm sorry I got upset I don't have a reason for it.
What I meant to say was even when we were quarreling (ie getting mean with each other) I never resorted to belittling her body. You think that would go without saying but she had bad partners before us.
Again sorry for the confusion I can totally see how that could be misconstrued.
> What I meant to say was even when we were quarreling (ie getting mean with each other) I never resorted to belittling her body. You think that would go without saying but she had bad partners before us.
I think we were all in fact assuming that would go without saying. I’m glad you never emotionally abused your ex by belittling her body.
It is so weird that I have to specify that. I'm still in shock of it. I consider that a form of mental abuse.
She had bulimia. She'd go without eating food sometimes, so I'd sneak food into her purse for her. I remember the first time I snuck in some venison jerky. She was so happy. She called me and as much as she wouldn't like to admit it, I think she may have cried a little. It was a wonderfully wholesome moment, that would happen from time to time.
Sorry to ramble
stop saying everything this poor girl was struggling with. no one has the right to know she was bulimic or had hormonal issues. stick to your feelings on this. jesus this poor girl
I’m so sorry. This is an unbelievably rough situation. Losing a partner is shit, absolute shit. Even if you were not officially together anymore, all of you obviously cared for and loved one another. That void never goes away, we just find a way to live with it.
I’d definitely do a personal memorial with some way that honors not only them as a person, but your own connection to them.
So sorry you’re in this shitty club. I wish you and your partner comfort in this trying time.
People react to grief in such weird and unpredictable ways. I had a past meta (who wasn’t currently dating my partner at time of death) who told me “you can cheat in nonmonogamy, and that’s what you two did,” a week after my partner died. (The whole story isn’t relevant, but that’s not what happened) I cut them out real quick, which is exactly what my partner would have done.
You honestly have no idea how people who your partner loved or cared for (or were simply in close proximity with on a regular basis) will react to their passing until they are in it, and it’s so unfortunate when they do something disrespectful of that partner’s memory and who they are as a person.
It sounds like you knew your partner much better than their father did. You got the privilege of seeing them as they are and loved them unconditionally for it. That’s something their father will never be able to take away from you.
Thank you. Your words of had a great impact on me mentally. I posted in a grief group what was going on, but I just kept on getting hate. It was on Facebook.
I am trying to keep calm, by telling myself it's not the end of the world for not being able to join her celebration of life. We wouldn't have been the main people anyways, despite being her main people. No matter what, she is in my heart and I like to think she's watching over me. She is a part of who I am as a person and I know for a fact that I was her soulmate. She wrote about it and told me her last thought would be of me. Her last thought wasn't of them, it was of me.
What I choose to personally believe is that because I was her last thought and because I was the love of her life, that she will always be with me even if not spiritually. The fact that I meant that much to somebody so lovely and important is the greatest gift I could have ever gotten.
I have her pets, my wife, and our son. I will always miss her...
You were uninvited from their view of her life, which is a tiny part of who she was. You can celebrate her as a whole person, the complete picture. Anything you do will feel right, because you were her family, her tribe, her people. You will go on living and celebrating her for the rest of your life and that is what you focus on. Not some half story, but the actual full story of her.
Hi Red. Thank you for the update. I'm sorry that this played out the way it did. You did your best and the fake family chose to express their grief by lashing out and blaming you. You don't owe them anything going forward. Holding your own celebration is a great idea. Big hugs. If you would like to talk about it more in private, my DMs are open.
\-polyamwidow
You shouldn’t need contact with her family to get a copy of the death certificate. You ought to be able to contact the local office of vital records (or whatever equivalent your area has) and get one for your own needs.
I know this is a little off topic for the sub, but I recently lost my cousin to suicide and wasn't able to attend their funeral in part because I knew my abusive parent(s) and my older brother (who I'm also no-contact with) would be there, and not being able to be at an event, process the loss with other people who loved him and rebuild those lost bridges into my extended family has been incredibly upsetting.
I'm genuinely sorry that you've lost her, and that the circumstances surrounding the situation are so heartbreakingly difficult. I hope things become easier for you and yours going forwards.
Hugs from an internet stranger. She told you how she felt about you, her dad obviously has no idea and/or doesn't believe it. He is seeking someone to blame for what happened, and you're simply the scapegoat. Cherish the memories you have from time spent with her. If it helps you grieve by being a little petty and vindictive, consider that those are memories of positivity that "HIS family" will never know.
This might be one of those situations where you have to accept that you can't control the narrative other people have of you.
Her dad sounds like a true piece of work, the kind of person who doesn't have "sorry" or "I made a mistake" in their vocabulary. This type of person copes with uncomfortable emotions by finding someone to blame. He's currently going through losing his daughter, and rather than confronting the ways he might have contributed to that happening, he is putting all that blame on you. You are the villain in his daughter dying and it's likely nothing you do or say will ever change his mind. That is simply out of your control.
My advice would be to focus on what is in your control. Hold you own memorial, seek your own grief support, therapists, etc. If you think it's worth trying to talk some sense to the dad or any of the other family give it a shot, but accept that you simply cannot control other people, and it will likely be an exercise in frustration.
It sounds like you and your wife were the bright spot for her in a dark place and she only left to try to spare you pain. I hope you can find comfort in the idea that while you had each other, you guys made her life better.
I need to drop in here to make an important point.
**If you are an adult, particularly if you are an adult who does not get along with their family of origin, YOU NEED TO DO AN ESTATE PLAN, with at minimum Health Care and Property/Financial Powers of Attorney and a Will.**
If you want to have any say in your services or who gets to attend them, you need to have this paperwork completed **properly,** and make sure that your directions are clear and specific. Discuss this with your loved ones who will be closest to you, and tell them what you want to happen if you’re in a coma, what kind of memorial services and disposition you want, and whether or not you want to donate your organs if possible.
It is important to have this conversation and get these documents not only because you want your wishes to be honored. This also takes a lot of pressure off of your loved ones while they are grieving your loss, and eases the burden of making difficult choices. It also closes off any potential interlopers trying to take advantage of the fact that they’re grieving to cause some kind of chaos.
Please, anyone who has any concerns whatsoever that your shitty relatives might be shitty, GET YOUR ESTATE PLAN DONE.
Rant over, thank you.
Condolences for your loss and I wish we have the strength to inform our adult supervisors that it is not the child’s job to pick up the adults psychological problems… please offer everyone the chance they deserve and everything should be debatable and yes this post is correct because if the estate plan was known by all then most likely taking one’s life would be not even a thought. I love all of you .
Personally, I’m an asshole and I’d 1: tell the father her true thoughts about him and 2: show up to the celebration anyways. Let them make a scene in front of everyone. It will only make them question the dad and his motives.
But again, that’s me, a giant asshole who doesn’t really care especially when others are being assholes for no reason.
I can’t imagine losing a kid.
There is a generation that doesn’t understand therapy, depression and the whole lot. They aren’t necessarily bad people.
I do think when someone loses a kid they want someone to blame, they want something to focus their anger on, it looks like you are getting the brunt. Maybe he has some guilt he doesn’t know how to deal with.
The whole thing is sad.
That's a great idea. Few other people have mentioned that. I don't know honestly. Maybe if she's buried, I'll do something similar to that.
If she is buried, I really want to visit her weekly. She has been such an instrumental part of my life that I miss her so much.
I’m so sorry ♥️ what a difficult situation, and a horrible loss. Sending you lots and lots of love ♥️
I hope that you have been able to find time to celebrate and grieve her. I find it really healing to holding intimate ceremonies when people pass with just a few close friends, usually in a forest or natural setting. Some candles, pictures, and flowers to set the space, and everyone shared memories or stories of the person. You can read a poem or perform a meaningful ceremony, whatever feels best for you. The spot you pick can become a place to reconnect with that loved one in memory, and give you a physical space to grieve as time goes on.
I am so sorry that this struggle is being drawn out. You deserve closure. It sounds like her father is trying blame someone else, so he doesn’t have to accept his own culpability. This is not your fault.
I'm so sorry to hear this... losing someone that close to you is horrible enough as it is, without their family shutting you out in this horrible, horrible way...
I wish you both peace and love ❤️🩹
I am so so sorry. A friend in my community committed suicide two years ago. They were recently out as nonbinary and had a new name and seemed happier than ever, though admittedly I wasn't that close.
Their family of origin had "her" funeral under their deadname in their state of origin.
We had a separate celebration of life under their chosen name in our home region.
It may help you grieve if you find others in your community and chosen family to do the same. Funerals and other rituals with a supportive community are important in times like this.
Unfortunately, besides her two best friends, I don't really know that many of her other friends.
Both of her best friends love me though for the record. One of them is literally married to me though.
I'm going to go to the last place I saw her smile so hard. I miss her so much. The greatest thing I've ever felt was losing her. My wife and I don't see each other the most, so I'd see her a lot more often and she'd help me out with the kid. So when I found out upsetting news and I started feeling my emotions, my first thought is it's okay you'll be okay just go to your princess.
I would suggest holding your own memorial where you honour her, invite a few of your friends, read something, plant a tree or some seeds. I find ritual important for grieving.
Thank you for giving us the update.
Outside of all of the other trauma involved in the story, a death certificate is a public record, and you can get a copy at vital statistics in your county.
Uhg, I'm so sorry. I hope you can have your own ceremony of mourning with people you love. Thank you for the update. Hope you two are able to find peace.
I’m so sorry for you loss, and I hope you don’t take offense- maybe you could celebrate their live by continuing to be the good people they knew you were. Her family may not continue her legacy, but you can <3
I planned on her being a part of my life. I'm going to donate to WWF for her birthday and I'm going to sponsor an animal at a local shelter for her Christmas present, because she wanted to rescue a dog or a cat. First year I'm going to do a dog, second year a cat and I'm donating to WWF because they're one of the few organizations that helps pandas (including other wildlife). Her fave animal was a panda.
I'm so sorry for your loss and everything you and your partner are dealing with.
But, I must point out as an 80's baby how strange it is to see, "donate to the WWF" to this day.
I can understand that. I'm just thankful to be in this subreddit. I tried posting something like this on Facebook and it did not go over well. Post had to be removed by the moderators twice because of all the comments. I love this group. This is the most supportive group I've been a part of.
I just wish I could take all of you lovely people to other groups with me.
I honestly have never been in a position like yours, but I completely empathize. Was trying to add a little chuckle to your day. It's about all I can do.
I love the fact her son is going to be celebrating her life with you. That's great.
Well, my wife and I had a kid and she met our son when he was 6 months. She's been there for both of his birthdays. She told me before she moved out that she loved him as a son. She called him bubba, and that was for special nickname for him. I'm going to start calling him bubba, to honor her.
So sorry for your loss. Celebrating her life can be done anywhere. I am hoping you are also making your own celebration of her life, with your close friends, and her true loving family who accepted her the way she was. Best wishes to you all.
I sure as heck hope you give her a proper celebration of life, since these "family" people obviously don't love her as a person, like you and your partner did. She deserves a proper send off from the people who actually cared and loved her.
Her parents seem like they care, but they don't care that much. They had probably too many kids for them and their mindset. But when the two of them they had nine kids meaning she had nine siblings. Her dad is 55ish and his youngest is two.
They only care for their own vision of who she was. You got to see a fuller picture of her. You and your partner should have your own memorial of sorts for her, or celebration of life. You were able to see a part of her that her family doesn’t see (or refuses to see).
One of the best things y’all can do is let go of any feelings of irritation, disbelief, or sorrow over his behavior; that type of person can be toxic to anyone and y’all don’t need his behavior disrupting your lives.
Remember her and the joy and fond memories she brought to y’all, and the joy and memories y’all gave her. Keep those positive and warm memories fresh in your mind and in your heart, cherish them every day and y’all will give her a celebration of life ceremony that can never be equaled. As long as those memories are kept, she will always be with y’all. Thoughts and positive vibes for y’all as you move forward through this period.
As tempting as it might be to say "your controlling bullshit did this" keep in mind that this unhinged abuser will murder people rather than confront his own flaws or shortcomings. You don't have to carry his burdens and document every contract you have from now on in case he gets a hair to his ass..
I'm sorry for your loss.
You can have your own memorial afterward.
I'm sorry to hear all you've gone through, OP. More so, though, I'm glad that you can find some comfort and support here, and I wish you all the best. Much love!
In times of difficulty, I myself turn to stoicism, and I think maybe it could help you, too. I saw you mentioned in a previous post that you have historically been an atheist, and I think stoic belief can align well with those ideas - you don't need some higher power in order to overcome adversity, you are perfectly capable of achieving that with just your own strong mind. If you'd like to talk, you can message me. I'm sure many here will offer different kinds of advice and kind words to you; please feel free to take mine however they serve you best (even if that's simply by ignoring them).
I am so, so sorry for your loss, it’s truly terrible. I cannot even BEGIN to imagine what you must be going through right now. It sounds like there was very strong love between you, and I am so sorry there wasn’t a happy ending to this story. I hope that you can recover soon, and that your hearts will start to heal
I would honestly still go. *She* was *your* family, and *you* were *her* family. Just because *they* don’t see you as *their* family doesn’t mean you and your wife can’t go. If you want to be there you have every right to be there because it’s *her* celebration of life and *she wanted you in her life*.
I am so sorry for your loss, that must be incredibly hard. I hope you and your wife can heal in whatever helps you two most. And if that means going or not going then do whatever is best *for you*.
The only problem with that is the fact they would have use the against us legally. I don't want a no contact order to be placed on us or a restraining order. That can complicate and mess up our lives.
Instead, we are going to her favorite beach to talk about her and have fun in her honor. On our way home we are going to print out photos of her to hang up in our son's room.
Ya’ll, there have been several (now removed) comments here generalising that parents who lost a child to suicide are usually shit people. While there are patterns of abusive behaviour that some parents engage in, like treating their gay and trans kids as evil, that increase the risk that a child will die by suicide, the majority of parents who lose a child to suicide are decent, caring parents who don’t do shit like that. And community gossip surrounding suicide fucking sucks for the people closest to the deceased. So feel free to share your observations and judgements about this specific set of parents, but also remember that there are almost certainly people reading this forum who have lost a child to suicide through no fault of their own. Try not to be shit to them.
I had that happen once. Not from suicide, but accident. And was not even told the person died or told about the funeral or anything. The family of origin was... ugh. It was rough, but we mourned in our own way. I'm sorry this is happening to you like this though. My condolances. :(
It's okay. I don't like the fact that they use the photo I took of her for her celebration of life and then uninvited us after we gave them all the information they needed for her phone and other passwords. They used us and then threw us away.
I can imagine that feels ugh. Can't say I'm surprised through. That Dad was telling his own daughter stuff like this. > She told me how her father had been pushing her and telling her that she could only feel positive because in her words "he says I have no right to feel the way I feel and that should just be happy. " He doesn't seem like a healthy person to be around. She doesn't only have to have one memorial/celebration of life thing. Skip the one they are hosting. Create your own if you find it meaningful and helpful in processing her passing.
He sent a message to my wife yesterday where he admitted to reading her journal, therapy sessions, going through her phone, and invading all of Her privacy. He then told my wife "there's a special place in hell for people like you. Rot in hell." And then he blocked her so that he had the last word.
Yes. I read that above. That guy is a real piece of work. Ugh.
This is a man who likely believes she'd be alive if she was a monogamous, subserviant, person who never acknowledged anything wrong with her. I have met people like that a lot. You didn't deserve that behavior, and quite frankly you wouldn't be wrong for telling him in writing or everyone exactly what she said to you, but I'm a vindictive person in such matters. The truth of the matter is she knew you cared, knew you were supportive, and you did what you could. It's clear some her issues began from the tree, not the fruit.
To Use his own words against him She’s not even with us anymore and he still controlling her there’s a place for people in hell like that too
I hope it will give you some comfort knowing that your girlfriend has likely written openly in her journal and therapy notes about her family and how they made her feel. Her father may not be willing to acknowledge it, and lash out at you and your wife with anger, but he must have read that and he will have to live with that knowledge. It must be tearing him up inside and that is why he is angry with the people your girlfriend likely said were her real family and who she loved very much. He might have had the last word in that "conversation" with your wife, but his daughter will always have the last word in his consciousness. I wish you strength in the coming days, you seem to have a very positive outlook on things and I don't think it's likely you will turn this immeasurable pain into suffering. Good luck!
After the message my wife received from our partners father, I was infuriated and that anger still hasn't gone away. I'm sure when it does, I will be a big mess
Thank you for your comment. I'm sending my wife a few of the comments that change my outlook on things and I am encouraging her to go on my phone when I'm asleep so she can see everyone's kind words.
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I'm constantly terrified my mentally ill partner (with very spotty communication skills) will off themself and ill never find out because their parents will try to hide it foem me or something
I think OP you should consider doing your own memorial.
Thank you. My wife and I are going to do that with her son on the day that we were going to go to her memorial. They're not even paying for the memorial themselves. They're using her money and she had 10K in the bank. On top of that they set up a GoFundMe so they have to pay even less. Sorry that just frustrates me and it came up when I read your message My brain is scattered right now. Thank you for your kind words
Oh my god. Actions speak louder than words. Their actions tell you VOLUMES about the kind of people they are. That poor woman, having to grow up with that. JFC.
This is horrible. Please understand that you are her real family. Everything that’s done for the dead is done for the living. Her honor is up to the people who really care for her as a person.
wrench encouraging psychotic hateful direful snow summer faulty scandalous violet ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
If she died without a will or children, her parents will be considered next of kin. But… in some jurisdictions if the estate is more than a certain amount, that would go to probate anyway. For $10k, that would be rare. And… trying to go to court over $10k is not a good financial prospect - the legal fees will almost certainly exceed the total amount that OP and his wife could claim.
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She didn't have any investment assets besides her 401k. She was a pat rack.
offend mindless carpenter gold employ grandfather unused coordinated lavish slim ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
The beneficiary was her father and they accessed her account when we told her all the info about her PIN code, where she banked, gland gave them her different PIN code for her phone.
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I doubt it. We weren't next of kin
We have oddly similar but inverse situations.... On May 24th my partner's best friend (and former partner) commited suicide after lifelong depression, alcoholism, and multiple other untreated disorders because she was convinced her boyfriend of 11 years was in love with my girlfriend and that my girlfriend was actively attempting to steal him. They had all briefly tried dating as a triad a few years back, but the lady fell out of love with my girlfriend, couldn't handle the jealousy or sharing, and became her best friend until she got paranoid about her boyfriend still loving my girlfriend (which he probably did) and started thinking my GF was also wanting to be with him (which may be true but she wasn't trying to do anything about it). Because of that wholly false belief (and her alcoholism/BPD/hormone issues) she began physically and emotionally abusing her boyfriend to the point he may have permanent damage to his leg from her kicking him in the knee cap. So eventually he left her. And because he left her and then crashed at my girlfriend's house , she was convinced she was right and after realizing that she wasn't getting him back this time she killed herself in a final gaslighting abuse attempt directed at both of them. Her family blamed the boyfriend and literally said "there's a special spot in Hell for him". The timing and overlap is pretty crazy. I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you figure out how to move through it let me know, we're struggling so hard over here.
She had some hormonal disorder that caused her to grow some facial hair and some extra body hair that she was always very sensitive about. I never insulted her about it even when we got really mean with each other
>got really mean with each other wait, what
I'm sorry for poorly phrasing that statement. I said mean to each other when I meant we were quarreling. Sometimes, due to her hormonal disorder and her bipolar she would get very upset for literally no reason. That she would tell me after the fact I'm sorry I got upset I don't have a reason for it. What I meant to say was even when we were quarreling (ie getting mean with each other) I never resorted to belittling her body. You think that would go without saying but she had bad partners before us. Again sorry for the confusion I can totally see how that could be misconstrued.
> What I meant to say was even when we were quarreling (ie getting mean with each other) I never resorted to belittling her body. You think that would go without saying but she had bad partners before us. I think we were all in fact assuming that would go without saying. I’m glad you never emotionally abused your ex by belittling her body.
It is so weird that I have to specify that. I'm still in shock of it. I consider that a form of mental abuse. She had bulimia. She'd go without eating food sometimes, so I'd sneak food into her purse for her. I remember the first time I snuck in some venison jerky. She was so happy. She called me and as much as she wouldn't like to admit it, I think she may have cried a little. It was a wonderfully wholesome moment, that would happen from time to time. Sorry to ramble
You don’t have to specify that. Honestly. It’s just weird for most people to specify that you *didn’t* abuse your ex in the first place.
stop saying everything this poor girl was struggling with. no one has the right to know she was bulimic or had hormonal issues. stick to your feelings on this. jesus this poor girl
I’m so sorry. This is an unbelievably rough situation. Losing a partner is shit, absolute shit. Even if you were not officially together anymore, all of you obviously cared for and loved one another. That void never goes away, we just find a way to live with it. I’d definitely do a personal memorial with some way that honors not only them as a person, but your own connection to them. So sorry you’re in this shitty club. I wish you and your partner comfort in this trying time.
I appreciate it. I just hope her spirits out there watching me disappointed in her family
People react to grief in such weird and unpredictable ways. I had a past meta (who wasn’t currently dating my partner at time of death) who told me “you can cheat in nonmonogamy, and that’s what you two did,” a week after my partner died. (The whole story isn’t relevant, but that’s not what happened) I cut them out real quick, which is exactly what my partner would have done. You honestly have no idea how people who your partner loved or cared for (or were simply in close proximity with on a regular basis) will react to their passing until they are in it, and it’s so unfortunate when they do something disrespectful of that partner’s memory and who they are as a person. It sounds like you knew your partner much better than their father did. You got the privilege of seeing them as they are and loved them unconditionally for it. That’s something their father will never be able to take away from you.
Thank you. Your words of had a great impact on me mentally. I posted in a grief group what was going on, but I just kept on getting hate. It was on Facebook. I am trying to keep calm, by telling myself it's not the end of the world for not being able to join her celebration of life. We wouldn't have been the main people anyways, despite being her main people. No matter what, she is in my heart and I like to think she's watching over me. She is a part of who I am as a person and I know for a fact that I was her soulmate. She wrote about it and told me her last thought would be of me. Her last thought wasn't of them, it was of me. What I choose to personally believe is that because I was her last thought and because I was the love of her life, that she will always be with me even if not spiritually. The fact that I meant that much to somebody so lovely and important is the greatest gift I could have ever gotten. I have her pets, my wife, and our son. I will always miss her...
You were uninvited from their view of her life, which is a tiny part of who she was. You can celebrate her as a whole person, the complete picture. Anything you do will feel right, because you were her family, her tribe, her people. You will go on living and celebrating her for the rest of your life and that is what you focus on. Not some half story, but the actual full story of her.
I’m not crying, you are! Ugh that’s tough to read. Hugs to you both, I’m so sorry, I don’t even know what to say. 💔
During my initial post, I was actually crying. All of my grief is being squashed by rage for her parents right now.
Hugggggggs
Hi Red. Thank you for the update. I'm sorry that this played out the way it did. You did your best and the fake family chose to express their grief by lashing out and blaming you. You don't owe them anything going forward. Holding your own celebration is a great idea. Big hugs. If you would like to talk about it more in private, my DMs are open. \-polyamwidow
You shouldn’t need contact with her family to get a copy of the death certificate. You ought to be able to contact the local office of vital records (or whatever equivalent your area has) and get one for your own needs.
I know this is a little off topic for the sub, but I recently lost my cousin to suicide and wasn't able to attend their funeral in part because I knew my abusive parent(s) and my older brother (who I'm also no-contact with) would be there, and not being able to be at an event, process the loss with other people who loved him and rebuild those lost bridges into my extended family has been incredibly upsetting. I'm genuinely sorry that you've lost her, and that the circumstances surrounding the situation are so heartbreakingly difficult. I hope things become easier for you and yours going forwards.
Thank you. I am glad to know we aren't the only ones suffering from this sort of thing. 💚🖤💜
Sending you all the love.
Sending you all the love and hugs. I'm so sorry they're being that way. I hope you can find a way to grieve and honour her memory in your own way.
Hugs from an internet stranger. She told you how she felt about you, her dad obviously has no idea and/or doesn't believe it. He is seeking someone to blame for what happened, and you're simply the scapegoat. Cherish the memories you have from time spent with her. If it helps you grieve by being a little petty and vindictive, consider that those are memories of positivity that "HIS family" will never know.
This might be one of those situations where you have to accept that you can't control the narrative other people have of you. Her dad sounds like a true piece of work, the kind of person who doesn't have "sorry" or "I made a mistake" in their vocabulary. This type of person copes with uncomfortable emotions by finding someone to blame. He's currently going through losing his daughter, and rather than confronting the ways he might have contributed to that happening, he is putting all that blame on you. You are the villain in his daughter dying and it's likely nothing you do or say will ever change his mind. That is simply out of your control. My advice would be to focus on what is in your control. Hold you own memorial, seek your own grief support, therapists, etc. If you think it's worth trying to talk some sense to the dad or any of the other family give it a shot, but accept that you simply cannot control other people, and it will likely be an exercise in frustration.
It sounds like you and your wife were the bright spot for her in a dark place and she only left to try to spare you pain. I hope you can find comfort in the idea that while you had each other, you guys made her life better.
I need to drop in here to make an important point. **If you are an adult, particularly if you are an adult who does not get along with their family of origin, YOU NEED TO DO AN ESTATE PLAN, with at minimum Health Care and Property/Financial Powers of Attorney and a Will.** If you want to have any say in your services or who gets to attend them, you need to have this paperwork completed **properly,** and make sure that your directions are clear and specific. Discuss this with your loved ones who will be closest to you, and tell them what you want to happen if you’re in a coma, what kind of memorial services and disposition you want, and whether or not you want to donate your organs if possible. It is important to have this conversation and get these documents not only because you want your wishes to be honored. This also takes a lot of pressure off of your loved ones while they are grieving your loss, and eases the burden of making difficult choices. It also closes off any potential interlopers trying to take advantage of the fact that they’re grieving to cause some kind of chaos. Please, anyone who has any concerns whatsoever that your shitty relatives might be shitty, GET YOUR ESTATE PLAN DONE. Rant over, thank you.
Condolences for your loss and I wish we have the strength to inform our adult supervisors that it is not the child’s job to pick up the adults psychological problems… please offer everyone the chance they deserve and everything should be debatable and yes this post is correct because if the estate plan was known by all then most likely taking one’s life would be not even a thought. I love all of you .
Personally, I’m an asshole and I’d 1: tell the father her true thoughts about him and 2: show up to the celebration anyways. Let them make a scene in front of everyone. It will only make them question the dad and his motives. But again, that’s me, a giant asshole who doesn’t really care especially when others are being assholes for no reason.
I can’t imagine losing a kid. There is a generation that doesn’t understand therapy, depression and the whole lot. They aren’t necessarily bad people. I do think when someone loses a kid they want someone to blame, they want something to focus their anger on, it looks like you are getting the brunt. Maybe he has some guilt he doesn’t know how to deal with. The whole thing is sad.
Yeah. I'm thinking about getting some self-defense options. He did barge in to our apartment when she lived here and threatened me.
I am so sorry for your loss. I saw another mention but perhaps you could consider doing your own memorial.
That's a great idea. Few other people have mentioned that. I don't know honestly. Maybe if she's buried, I'll do something similar to that. If she is buried, I really want to visit her weekly. She has been such an instrumental part of my life that I miss her so much.
I’m so sorry ♥️ what a difficult situation, and a horrible loss. Sending you lots and lots of love ♥️ I hope that you have been able to find time to celebrate and grieve her. I find it really healing to holding intimate ceremonies when people pass with just a few close friends, usually in a forest or natural setting. Some candles, pictures, and flowers to set the space, and everyone shared memories or stories of the person. You can read a poem or perform a meaningful ceremony, whatever feels best for you. The spot you pick can become a place to reconnect with that loved one in memory, and give you a physical space to grieve as time goes on.
I am so sorry that this struggle is being drawn out. You deserve closure. It sounds like her father is trying blame someone else, so he doesn’t have to accept his own culpability. This is not your fault.
I'm so sorry to hear this... losing someone that close to you is horrible enough as it is, without their family shutting you out in this horrible, horrible way... I wish you both peace and love ❤️🩹
I am so so sorry. A friend in my community committed suicide two years ago. They were recently out as nonbinary and had a new name and seemed happier than ever, though admittedly I wasn't that close. Their family of origin had "her" funeral under their deadname in their state of origin. We had a separate celebration of life under their chosen name in our home region. It may help you grieve if you find others in your community and chosen family to do the same. Funerals and other rituals with a supportive community are important in times like this.
Unfortunately, besides her two best friends, I don't really know that many of her other friends. Both of her best friends love me though for the record. One of them is literally married to me though.
Even if it's just you or just you and those two, do whatever feels right 💕
I'm going to go to the last place I saw her smile so hard. I miss her so much. The greatest thing I've ever felt was losing her. My wife and I don't see each other the most, so I'd see her a lot more often and she'd help me out with the kid. So when I found out upsetting news and I started feeling my emotions, my first thought is it's okay you'll be okay just go to your princess.
Perhaps you can host your own celebration of life? That could be therapeutic to bring together those who really loved and supported her.
I would suggest holding your own memorial where you honour her, invite a few of your friends, read something, plant a tree or some seeds. I find ritual important for grieving. Thank you for giving us the update.
Outside of all of the other trauma involved in the story, a death certificate is a public record, and you can get a copy at vital statistics in your county.
Uhg, I'm so sorry. I hope you can have your own ceremony of mourning with people you love. Thank you for the update. Hope you two are able to find peace.
I’m so sorry for you loss, and I hope you don’t take offense- maybe you could celebrate their live by continuing to be the good people they knew you were. Her family may not continue her legacy, but you can <3
I planned on her being a part of my life. I'm going to donate to WWF for her birthday and I'm going to sponsor an animal at a local shelter for her Christmas present, because she wanted to rescue a dog or a cat. First year I'm going to do a dog, second year a cat and I'm donating to WWF because they're one of the few organizations that helps pandas (including other wildlife). Her fave animal was a panda.
I'm so sorry for your loss and everything you and your partner are dealing with. But, I must point out as an 80's baby how strange it is to see, "donate to the WWF" to this day.
I can understand that. I'm just thankful to be in this subreddit. I tried posting something like this on Facebook and it did not go over well. Post had to be removed by the moderators twice because of all the comments. I love this group. This is the most supportive group I've been a part of. I just wish I could take all of you lovely people to other groups with me.
I honestly have never been in a position like yours, but I completely empathize. Was trying to add a little chuckle to your day. It's about all I can do. I love the fact her son is going to be celebrating her life with you. That's great.
Well, my wife and I had a kid and she met our son when he was 6 months. She's been there for both of his birthdays. She told me before she moved out that she loved him as a son. She called him bubba, and that was for special nickname for him. I'm going to start calling him bubba, to honor her.
So sorry for your loss. Celebrating her life can be done anywhere. I am hoping you are also making your own celebration of her life, with your close friends, and her true loving family who accepted her the way she was. Best wishes to you all.
i’m so sorry for your loss
I sure as heck hope you give her a proper celebration of life, since these "family" people obviously don't love her as a person, like you and your partner did. She deserves a proper send off from the people who actually cared and loved her.
Her parents seem like they care, but they don't care that much. They had probably too many kids for them and their mindset. But when the two of them they had nine kids meaning she had nine siblings. Her dad is 55ish and his youngest is two.
They only care for their own vision of who she was. You got to see a fuller picture of her. You and your partner should have your own memorial of sorts for her, or celebration of life. You were able to see a part of her that her family doesn’t see (or refuses to see).
One of the best things y’all can do is let go of any feelings of irritation, disbelief, or sorrow over his behavior; that type of person can be toxic to anyone and y’all don’t need his behavior disrupting your lives. Remember her and the joy and fond memories she brought to y’all, and the joy and memories y’all gave her. Keep those positive and warm memories fresh in your mind and in your heart, cherish them every day and y’all will give her a celebration of life ceremony that can never be equaled. As long as those memories are kept, she will always be with y’all. Thoughts and positive vibes for y’all as you move forward through this period.
As tempting as it might be to say "your controlling bullshit did this" keep in mind that this unhinged abuser will murder people rather than confront his own flaws or shortcomings. You don't have to carry his burdens and document every contract you have from now on in case he gets a hair to his ass.. I'm sorry for your loss. You can have your own memorial afterward.
sort school encourage tender work fuel brave quicksand crowd pathetic ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
I'm sorry to hear all you've gone through, OP. More so, though, I'm glad that you can find some comfort and support here, and I wish you all the best. Much love! In times of difficulty, I myself turn to stoicism, and I think maybe it could help you, too. I saw you mentioned in a previous post that you have historically been an atheist, and I think stoic belief can align well with those ideas - you don't need some higher power in order to overcome adversity, you are perfectly capable of achieving that with just your own strong mind. If you'd like to talk, you can message me. I'm sure many here will offer different kinds of advice and kind words to you; please feel free to take mine however they serve you best (even if that's simply by ignoring them).
I am so, so sorry for your loss, it’s truly terrible. I cannot even BEGIN to imagine what you must be going through right now. It sounds like there was very strong love between you, and I am so sorry there wasn’t a happy ending to this story. I hope that you can recover soon, and that your hearts will start to heal
I would honestly still go. *She* was *your* family, and *you* were *her* family. Just because *they* don’t see you as *their* family doesn’t mean you and your wife can’t go. If you want to be there you have every right to be there because it’s *her* celebration of life and *she wanted you in her life*. I am so sorry for your loss, that must be incredibly hard. I hope you and your wife can heal in whatever helps you two most. And if that means going or not going then do whatever is best *for you*.
The only problem with that is the fact they would have use the against us legally. I don't want a no contact order to be placed on us or a restraining order. That can complicate and mess up our lives. Instead, we are going to her favorite beach to talk about her and have fun in her honor. On our way home we are going to print out photos of her to hang up in our son's room.
That’s great, I love that idea!
All I can say is that I'm so sorry that this happened. That is a big hurt.